The Second Fourth Summer

by wisdomrose

Summary:

Second of Her Name AU What if Remus and Sirius regained their memories after the end of The Goblet of Fire? With the second war beginning, they discover that they have been living a lie for far too long. A lie between them and Lily, and a much bigger lie between each other.

Can be read separately from all other timelines

Notes:

Oh, Hey.

This is in fact another timeline, and I feel really excited about it because I couldn't begin to tell you where it's going to go.

Everything before Order of the Phoenix is canon in this story, and there will be plenty of easter eggs and parallels to my other stories as we go. Obviously, the two divergences are that Lily is female and not a male Harry. And Remus and Sirius have a much more detailed past.

This edge of the universe will feel a great deal like One Room Away and Lie Low With Me. If you enjoyed that, let's go!

You know how this begins. First with a memory, and then with a frantic posting of several chapters. I'm hoping for a slow burn - wish me luck everybody!

Happy Reading :)

Chapter 1: The Memory

Lily Potter turned to face the boys in her kitchen, all red faced and silent from their fighting. They’d been at it for at least an hour, exhausting themselves with accusations, theories, and paranoia. They had just returned from their monthly Order meeting, where Albus Dumbledore had revealed that he was sure there was a spy amongst their group. 

“We don’t know that there is a spy.” Lily whispered, her voice weak with use. Her hand went down to cover her swollen stomach protectively, her eyes finding James own and holding them. “James doesn’t think so, perhaps he’s right.”

James looked at two of his best friends, his eyes more stern than any of them had ever imagined seeing them. “This is ridiculous. We are family! There is no reason to believe that any of us would ever betray one another. I’m sure that this is some misunderstanding, that we will discover Dumbledore is simply being paranoid.”

Sirius scowled as he stood near the window, his own eyes on Lily’s stomach. “I would never betray this family. Not any of you. You have to know that!” His eyes reached Remus’, who was gripping the door frame under his white knuckled hands. “But I have been at least honest about my raids!”

Remus’ face twisted then, a hollow laugh escaping. “You damn well know I can’t tell you where I’m going, it’s -“

“Classified, we know.” Breathed Lily, her voice wavering so close to distrust. “But how will we raise this baby - the four of us - if we aren’t honest with each other?”

“If you can’t tell me, Moony, who can you tell?” Sirius whispered, though he had asked this question time and time again. “How can any of us believe that you are on our side, if you can’t even tell me where you’re going? You’re gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time. How can we sustain this way?”

“We’re in a war for Merlin’s sake!” Remus’ voice was louder than any of them had ever heard it, but as he closed his eyes and swallowed, he managed to compose himself. “I can’t tell you. I know you feel you deserve to know, and maybe you do. But I - I would be jeopardizing so many lives, including those in this room, if I told you anything about my role in this war.”

“Then I can’t raise this baby with you.” Sirius gasped out, earning alarmed looks from both Lily and James. James took a step forward, but Sirius held out his hand as if to stop him. “I will raise it myself, James. I don’t need anyone else. It was my idea to have the baby - some foolish attempt at leaving a legacy maybe - but my idea. If Remus can’t allow me to trust him, then I will do this by myself.”

“It wasn’t foolish!” Lily gasped out, James reaching for her hand protectively. “You two love each other, you’ve loved each other for years! You couldn’t get married, you couldn’t have your own children…” She shook her head, trying to catch her breathe. “When this war is over, you will have a beautiful baby girl. We will put your names on the birth certificate, we will hand her over once we’re out of hiding - if it comes to that. Everything will be okay!” 

They had agreed on these terms months ago, nearly a year now. Sirius and Lily would create an embryo at home with Remus and James, away from the prying eyes of St. Mungos. With a complex charm, they had combined Lily’s egg and Sirius’s sperm to create the very healthy fetus currently growing within the woman.

Remus and Sirius were meant to raise it as their own. As partners.

“That was then.” Sirius whispered. “I wanted a family. With Remus, but also… with all of you. I thought, if one or more of us doesn’t make it out of this war alive, we should carry on together with our little girl. Raise her as the village we’ve always been.” He cast a venomous glare at Remus then, his mind made up. “But I can’t do that now. Not without trust.”

The silence in the kitchen was deafening, broken only by a sudden gasp of air from Lily. She had started to cry, the whimpers growing into loud, hiccuping sobs. James rushed from his seat, his hand on her back.

Remus stood completely still, his ashen face looking in none of their directions. “Fine.” He breathed, closing his eyes. “It’s for the best. I’m not sure what I was thinking, I am not fit to raise a child, not fit to be a father…”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Remus!” Sirius was yelling over Lily’s sobs, his eyes now full of their own angry tears. “We were in this together! We decided this together!”

“Stop.” Lily gasped out, straightening her back against James. “Stop. I won’t do this. I won’t allow this baby to be raised in a home with such anger, such distrust. She will already have so much hanging over her, she needs parents she can believe in.” The prophecy was new, fresh from Dumbledore's mouth just a month before. They still didn’t know if it could possibly mean this baby or perhaps Alice Longbottom’s. It hung over their head like a gray cloud, far closer to home than even the war.

With that sobering thought, Lily pulled her wand out then, three sets of eyes trained on it immediately. 

“I can’t let you jeopardize her safety.” She whispered, her voice shaking but her wand steady.

“Lily, NO!” It was unclear who had yelled it first as Lily pointed her wand at the couple. James wasn’t fast enough to grab her wand hand, his fingers desperately reaching for hers to stop her. The last thing either Sirius or Remus heard was the whispered spell, directed at the two of them:

“Obliviate.”

- 

Chapter 2: The Reunion

Summary:

Sirius and Remus both process their news before coming back together.

Notes:

You said, "forever," and I almost bought it
I miss fighting in your old apartment
Breaking dishes when you're disappointed
I still love you, I promise
Nothing happened in the way I wanted
Every corner of this house is haunted
And I know you said that we're not talking
But I miss you, I'm sorry

Happy Reading <3

Since that Halloween night fifteen years ago, Sirius had never felt anything close to pain he’d experienced watching Lily suffer through the last year alone. 

The last several months were a haze of running, of hiding, and of fear. He could only watch from a distance, only support her through letters and quick meetings. Never in the way he so desperately wanted.

Sirius didn’t think anything could bring him to that level of pain ever again - until now.

He woke up in a cold sweat, alone in the middle of his old bed. Gasping, he pressed his hand to his chest, trying to focus on the dream he’d woken from.

Had it been a dream? It felt more like a memory, long repressed and pushed down into the already guarded corners of his heart. The dementors had taken so much from him, but who knew Lily Evans Potter had taken even  more.

Sitting up fully now, he ran his hands over his face before shaking his head. It couldn’t be true. There wasn’t any chance that he would forget such a fact. That they had trusted each other so little, that their family had broken that deeply. To change history, to flip the narrative, and to leave three people confused and alone for fourteen years.

And Lily. His daughter that had always been his, always been the most important person in his entire life. But the idea that she had been trapped in a loveless home, an orphan needlessly despite both of her parents being alive. It choked everything out of him. The idea that he had let her down wasn’t a new feeling, but to know that he could have been there for her all along killed him.

Besides Remus, she’d been his entire heart and with the other man essentially in the wind, she was all he had.

And speaking of, he couldn’t help but wonder if Remus knew, wherever he was.

He’d arrived at the cottage after Dumbledore sent him to look for Remus and he’d found an abandoned property. It was empty and overgrown, leaving Sirius with the knowledge that his ex had never returned to their home all those years ago.

Inside, he’d found an owl waiting for him, a note clasped to his talons. Feeding him with a treat he still had in his pocket, he opened it quickly.

 

Padfoot,

I know it’s been a couple of months since you’ve heard from me, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve been working for Dumbledore, trying to gather what information I can.

I heard what happened. And I know you’re waiting for me. I’ll be home soon.

Please don’t leave. Please, wait for me?

Moony

 

And so, he waited for him. And two weeks later, he had the entire cottage transformed. He found an old wand of his Uncle Alphard’s he’d stored years ago and with the property being unplottable, he was finally free to use magic. After fixing the outside and taming the garden, he found a spot for Buckbeak to live before focusing on the inside.

The morning of the dream, it had been a fortnight since he’d heard from Remus, and he hadn’t written him back. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, and didn’t want to compromise his location. He instead focused on renovating the house and writing to Lily whenever he could. He wasn’t sure how he would tell her about what he now knew, only that he would wait for Remus.

Sirius was in the nursery, attempting to turn it into a room for Lily when the wards broke. He looked up, straightening his back as he slowly walked out into the living room.

-

Remus hadn’t stayed in one place for longer than a few days since leaving Hogwarts. He figured if he couldn’t be with Sirius, he really didn’t want to be anywhere at all. After twelve years away from him, one evening and then radio silence for months was torture. Knowing he was on the run, putting himself in danger over and over again, was too much to process most days. 

They had never really gotten a chance to talk after that night, never able to process through any of it together. Remus had woken from his ill fated transformation to find that Sirius hadn’t received the dementors kiss after all and was already gone. 

Other than a few owls here and there over the last year, he hadn’t known much of what he was doing. Remus had paid attention to the Triwizard Tournament, his heart in his throat during every stage of the competition - especially the last.

And when he woke with the memories returned to him, knowing it wasn’t a dream had been staggering. The knowledge that Lily had gone through all of that alone when he could have been there for her this entire time was far too much for him to process.

There had been many times in the last fifteen years that Remus felt like he was failing Lily, but never more than the realization that she had been his daughter this entire time. All of the anger he felt in that moment focused inward and there was none left for the couple that had kept the secret from him. After all, they weren’t around to explain themselves anymore.

No, all he could focus on was getting to Sirius. Finding the man, making sure he was safe, and figuring out how they were going to handle the rest.

Apperating to the cottage was easy, but forcing himself to go inside was entirely different. It looked exactly the same as it had a decade and a half before, and Remus knew this meant Sirius had been there for awhile. Fixing it up, making it into their home again. The thought alone made Remus never want to leave again.

Pushing open the front door, he closed it quietly, biting his lip as heard footsteps approach. As Sirius turned the corner, Remus let out a long breath, his throat going entirely dry.

“Hey, Moony.” That perfect grin Remus had fell in love with over twenty years ago spread over Sirius’ face and suddenly, there he was. In love again, and in trouble in the best way.

“Hey Padfoot.” Remus’s voice was quiet as he stood still in the doorway, staring at Sirius like he’d never seen him before. He looked good, but he always did. His cardigan was a little worn, his hair a little gray, but those amber eyes pulled Sirius in every time and suddenly, he was drowning.

Walking forward, Sirius pushed his hands into his pockets, not taking his own eyes off the man. “You can’t owl your best friend? I’ve been here for weeks.” His tone was teasingly scolding, his grin calming into a smirk. “I was worried about you.”

“Worried about me?” Remus asked in a laugh, shaking his head. Merlin, Sirius hadn’t changed in so many ways. He had trimmed his hair and goatee, put on some weight over the last year, and still had the boyish charm he always had. The haunted look to his eyes was still there, the same as it had been the year before, but there was a focus to it now that hadn’t been there before.

But there was absolutely no reason for him to still be the most gorgeous man Remus had ever seen. “I’ve been worried sick about you for a year, Sirius. On the run, doing Merlin knows what. Living as Padfoot full time, I imagine.” Remus’ voice lacked judgement, but was filled with concern.

Shrugging, Sirius took another couple of steps towards Remus, looking him over. “And you’ve been working for Dumbledore, no doubt putting yourself in unnecessary danger for his schemes.” He crossed his arms then, raising a brow. “Am I wrong?”

Remus gave the slightest shake of his head, swallowing. “Do you have any tea?” His voice was quiet as he wandered into the kitchen, wringing out his hands. 

Sirius followed him closely, as if a magnet was pulling him along. He watched as Remus rummaged around in the same cabinet they’d always kept their tea, like he’d been there just the day before. “I ordered a few essentials, had Kreacher bring them over for me. He was reluctant.”

“He’s still around? Merlin, I’d thought he’d be dead by now.” Remus murmured, busying himself with the kettle. 

“Remus.” Sirius said, approaching him still. When the man didn’t answer, he put his hand over the mug, his eyes intent on him. “ Moony.”  

Turning, Remus leaned against the counter, his eyes lifting to Sirius’ nervously. They stared at each other for a moment before Remus let out a long breath. “I avoided this so long for a reason.” He whispered, though his voice sounded so loud in the empty kitchen. “It feels…”

“Impossible.” Sirius whispered back, his eyes sad now as he searched Remus’ face. Looking for any sign that he felt the same as he did. “It’s been fifteen years, and after the last year, it feels like you don’t want to know me at all anymore.”

“Not true.” Remus breathed, his eyes wide now. “That’s… Oh, Sirius, I’m so sorry. That’s not true at all. I want to know you. To see you, to have you back in my life. But it scares the shit out of me, and I’ve been a coward because of it.”

Sirius reached out, his fingers playing with the hem of Remus’ cardigan. He wanted to touch him so desperately, the itch entirely too strong to resist. “Scared of what?”

“Of this.” Remus gestured between them, swallowing against a dry throat. “Especially now that I remember… everything .”

Looking up quickly, Sirius’ eyes widened, holding his breath. “You had that dream too?”

“I did. But it wasn’t a dream, Pads. It was real. And now we’ve got to fix this somehow.” Remus looked bereft, his eyes filling with the kind of pain Sirius never wanted to see there. “Lily has been alone for so long. I hate that I left Hogwarts, left her to face that tournament alone. If I had known …” He closed his eyes then. “I’m so sorry.”

“Remus.” Sirius said now, his hands going to both of his arms. “You were obliviated, you can’t blame yourself for that. And those we can blame are long gone, unable to tell us why they did what they did.” He set his jaw then, refusing to bring Lily and James into the conversation right now. “What matters is that we know now. And the sooner we tell Lily, the sooner we make her understand how loved and wanted she is by the parents she never knew she had - the better.”

Remus relaxed under Sirius’ hold then, his jaw shaking as he thought of their daughter, of all she’d been through in the last fifteen years. “Do you think she’ll forgive us? That should possibly accept such news this far into her life? It’ll upend it.”

“When I left her last year, she told me she wanted us to be a family.” Sirius said quietly, emotion climbing up the back of his throat. “She has written me several times in the last year and I’ve seen her too. She feels a connection, I know she does. Same as I did. I don’t think it’ll be much of a surprise to her that there’s something more to it.”

Remus looked thoughtful, swallowing as he thought of how little he’d been able to support Lily the last year. There was no chance that she had hoped he’d be apart of that family. “Do you think she could ever accept me?”

Sirius’ face softened and he smiled, squeezing Remus’ arms. “From what she tells me about you, Moony, she already has.” His voice was warm, thankful for the kindness and love Remus had already shown her over the last couple of years. “Give her a chance. And on that note, give me a chance.”

A dry laugh escaped Remus then as he shook his head, pulling Sirius closer now. He wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tight against him for the first time in a year. “You don’t need any chances, Sirius. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise me.” Sirius whispered into his shoulder, hugging him so tight, he thought he might disappear. Remus had always had the ability to make him feel so safe, so secure. And though he wasn’t sure how the man felt anymore, so loved.

Remus repressed the shiver that threatened to go down his spine, letting his eyes slip closed. “I promise. And I’m sorry for staying away for so long. From now on, Lily, the Order, anything else we need to do, we do it together.”

Sirius smoothed his hand down Remus’ back, savoring the feeling of having him close again. “Together.” He agreed.

Whatever that meant now.

Chapter 3: Private Drive

Summary:

Remus retrieves Lily from The Dursleys

Notes:

One theme throughout this entire multiverse is the amazement over how easy things could have been if Lily just had adults around.

Thank you for following me through yet another timeline, I appreciate it so very much!

“I can’t just go to the Dursleys and take her, Sirius.” Remus reasoned later that evening, starting a fire in the living room. It was summer, but the evenings still grew cold. 

Sirius scoffed, curled up on the couch now. He was fuller than he had been in many, many years. He’d forgotten just how good of a cook Remus was. “I don’t see why you can’t. You’re her father, and we can petition the Ministry for her paternity as well. Dumbledore can help us.”

“I already talked to Albus and he doesn’t want her away from the Dursleys too long, he said it has to do with the protection Lily gave her.” Remus explained warily, coming to join Sirius on the couch.

Frowning, Sirius stared angrily into the fire. “And if he talked to me about it, he’d know that my blood would protect Lily as well. There are countless protections for my family in these homes” He swallowed tightly then. “You’d think he’d know that, as this is the same man who wants to use Grimmauld Place for the Order’s new headquarters.” 

Remus whipped his head towards Sirius then, his face twisting with confusion. “What? Your childhood home? He can’t be serious. What did you say?”

Looking at Remus, Sirius worried his lip before shrugging. “Well, I suppose I’m going to have to let him have it. That is, if he lets Lily come too.” He knew he couldn’t afford to cross Dumbledore at this point, as the man held the secret of his location. “It’s worth it to me.”

Remus let out a long breath before he reached over, his hand clasping Sirius’. “Neither of you need to stay there. I will do whatever I can to keep you here, with me in the cottage. You’ll only need to be there for Order business, I promise.” He wouldn’t let that house haunt Sirius in the way it always had, and he definitely wouldn’t allow anyone to keep him prisoner there.

“Then, you’ll go get her?” Sirius asked quietly, his eyes hopeful. “I’ll owl Dumbledore in the morning with my deal. I have a strong feeling he’ll accept when I confront him with the secret I imagine he knew.”

Remus nodded slowly, absorbing this. “I’m sure you’re right, I’m sure he did know.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “And of course I will. I’ll bring her home to us. As long as we have Albus on our side. I don’t want anything getting in the way of your freedom.”

Smiling softly, Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand before relaxing against the back of the couch. “You’re not sleeping out here, by the way.”

A startled laugh escaped Remus as he rolled his eyes. “Don’t start, Padfoot.” It was a soft plea.

“Start what? You aren’t getting any younger and your joints could use a soft bed. If it bothers you that badly, I’ll sleep out here instead.” Sirius reasoned, though there was a suggestion resting in his eyes. “Or not.”

Remus focused his gaze on Sirius, tilting his chin down. “You want to share? Are we even capable of that anymore?”

A loud, bark like laugh escaped Sirius then and it took Remus a moment to realize how long it had been. “We’re adults, Remus. You can trust me.”

His grin unstoppable, Remus shook his head. “I don’t trust you, nor do I think you’re any closer to being an adult as you were back then. But I guess it’s fine to share a bed just this once.”

Though it did feel like a very dangerous game to begin.

-

After a little bit of argument back and forth, Dumbledore agreed to Sirius’ terms as long as he agreed to participate in getting Grimmauld Place ready that summer. Remus was hesitant, but conceded after insisting he be there whenever Sirius was.

The next argument was keeping Sirius from going with him. “Out of the question! Padfoot or not, it’s not worth the risk. It will take me much less time without you and I will be back here with her by this evening.” Remus insisted, his arms crossed.

A long frustrated sigh came out of Sirius as he was just shy of stomping his foot. It had already silently annoyed him to wake up alone in bed, hours after Remus was awake. “Fine. But please tell her that I wanted to come.” He insisted, pouting so dramatically, Remus couldn’t help but laugh.

“She’ll be so much happier to see you than me, Pads, I promise.” Remus teased, before heading off to apperate.

He made his way in from the next city over from Surrey, not wanting to startle any muggles. He was unfamiliar with the town, and didn’t want to take any chances with Lily’s safety. It was quite the walk, but it gave him time to think, something he had needed in the chaos of the day before.

As Remus approached her street, he could hear voices near the park, and picked up her voice right away. He slowed down, watching as she walked home with her cousin, continuing to argue with him. Just as he was about to call out her name, he could feel the all too familiar cold come over him. Dementors?

Hurrying his steps, he put his hand up, calling out to Lily. “LILY! Look out!” He shouted, just as he saw the hooded figures rise behind her. Remus watched as she turned on her heel, her eyes wide as she pulled out her wand.

Their voices rose at the same time, his footsteps taking him to just behind her as they both shouted, “EXPECTO PATRONUM!”

A stag and dog leapt from their wands, chasing the dementors away from the three now huddled on the street. Remus straightened up, not surprised to see Dudley had taken off in a run towards his home.

“Professor Lupin?” Lily asked incredulously, her eyes still wide as she lowered her wand. “Where did you come from? Where did they come from?”

Remus swallowed tightly as he watched the last of the dementors disappear. He reached out, his hand clasping Lily’s arm and pulling her close. Out of his pocket, he pulled a chocolate bar and handed it to her. “I have no idea why they were here. Are you okay? Merlin, Lily, what was a magnificent patronus!” 

Taking a nibble, Lily couldn’t hide her grin at his praise. He’d taught her the spell, after all. “Thank you. You didn’t tell me how you’re here, though.”

“I’ve actually been sent to take you away from here for the summer.” Remus began to explain, motioning for Lily to walk with him. Adrenaline poured through him as he thought about what they’d just faced and how much danger Lily would have been had she been alone. “Sirius is actually waiting for us.”

A grin spread across Lily’s face then and it was all she could to keep from jumping for joy. “Really? I kept thinking about how badly I wanted that to happen, but it seemed so impossible.” She gushed, stopping just outside her family’s home. “We can go right now? You’re not kidding?” 

Remus laughed, nodding. “We need to get your things from your home, but yes. We’re really going.” He was startled as Lily stopped and threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly around the middle. He hugged her back, swallowing tightly at how right it felt. 

“Is he okay? Sirius?” Lily asked into Remus’ chest. At the sound of how worried she was, Remus felt his heart squeeze. There was probably no one else on the planet that loved Sirius Black as much as him. 

“Yes, he’s much better than the last time I saw him. He’s settled in a house that belonged to him a long time ago, just outside of Hogsmeade.” Remus gestured towards Privet Drive then. “Let’s gather your trunk, and I won’t make you wait another moment to see him.”

The Dursleys had rushed Dudley to the emergency room, overwhelmed with his appearance and how the Dementors had affected him. They pushed past Remus and Lily in the driveway and Remus pulled Lily close as they ranted and raved about what she’d done to their son.

Once they were gone, it was easy to get her trunk. “Since I told them about Sirius, they’ve been letting me keep my trunk with me, and Hedwigs cage. They used to lock it all up in my cupboard.” She gestured to the cupboard under the stairs as she made her way up, which stopped Remus short.

He stared at the cupboard, his mouth entirely dry. “Your cupboard?” He clarified, following her slowly now to her bedroom.

Lily stopped at the top of the stairs, turning to look at Remus with somewhat guarded eyes now. “Before this bedroom, I slept in there.”

Alarm flashed through Remus’ eyes before he slowly walked into her bedroom, looking around. His heart was beating hard in his chest and he couldn’t help the rush of anger that cracked through him. “For how long?”

Lily moved into her room, beginning to pack her trunk. Remus began to help her with his wand, flicking various things into it. “I already have to answer to the ministry for using my wand today.” He reasoned quietly, clicking her trunk shut when it was full.

Looking at Remus, Lily sat down on her trunk heavily once they were done. “Until I was eleven and went to Hogwarts, I slept in there.”

Remus shook his head, moving towards Lily. He crouched down, his hands taking hers. “Nothing like that is ever going to happen again. You’re going to come live with Sirius and me and you’re not coming back here.”

Tears blinked into Lily’s eyes and she mutely nodded, saving her questions for later as she stood up. She followed him out of her room and down the stairs, holding her breath until they were outside. “Are we apperating?” 

“As long as you trust me.” Remus teased quietly, reaching to squeeze her hands in his. 

“Completely.” Lily said confidently, holding his hands tightly in return. And with one turn, they were gone.

Chapter 4: Questions and Answers

Summary:

Lily is reunited with Sirius, and she has a few questions that don't have clear answers.

Notes:

By now, you all must know how much I enjoy finding new ways for Lily and the boys to learn about her parentage. It's been so much fun to write closer to the age they all were in The Second of Her Name! Blast from the past and I love it.

Happy Reading!

Sirius felt the wards break and his anticipation couldn’t be matched. It had been almost a month since he’d seen Lily and he’d been worried sick about how she was coping. What she had faced in the graveyard was something no one should ever have to face, let alone a fourteen year old. And he so badly wanted to be there for her.

As soon as he had the front door open, Lily was rushing towards him and in a blink, he was catching her in his arms. He hugged her tightly, nearly lifting her off the ground. “My sweet girl, how I missed you!”

Remus came up behind them, a soft smile on his face as he walked ahead of them to put Lily’s trunk in the house. “Faced a little trouble in Little Whining, but we made it here in one piece.”

Sirius pulled Lily back and held her at arms length, looking her over. She was a little skinner than he remembered, but he’d been sending her food whenever he could. She also was wearing her own clothes and her hair was in a somewhat tangled braid. It could be better, but it most certainly had been worse. “What happened?” He asked worriedly now, looking up at Remus.

“Dementors!” Lily gasped, her eyes wide as she looked at her godfather. “At least five of them. I don’t know where they came from, but they snuck up on Dudley and me. Thank God Professor Lupin was there, I don’t know what we would have done.”

Remus shook his head, squeezing Lily’s shoulder. “Lily, please. Call me Remus. And you performed the most beautiful patronus I’ve ever seen.” He looked at Sirius then, giving a shrug. “Honestly, it marveled mine.”

Sirius looked more than confused, shaking his head. “What on earth were Dementors doing in a muggle neighborhood?” He felt fear creep inside him that it must have been a targeted attack. And he felt better than ever that Lily was safe with him. "Are you okay? Did they get close to you?" He was still looking over her, panic obvious in his voice.

"I'm fine, Sirius, I promise!" Lily insisted, smiling at Sirius now. 

Looking unsure, Sirius felt gratitude swell inside of him that Remus had been there to protect his daughter, and that she hadn't been alone to face them herself. The Order would need to know about this immediately, and with one look to Remus, they were in agreement. “Was your Patronus still a stag, at least?” He thought of James, his heart throbbing painfully at the confusing feelings he felt for his late best friend.

“So beautiful!” Lily gushed, not seeming worried about the dementors in the least. After all, she faced much worse and much more unusual. “Remus’ was pretty impressive too. Honestly, his patronus looked a lot like - “ She stopped then, her eyes finding Remus, her own thoughtful. “Your Animagus, Sirius.”

“Padfoot?” Sirius asked quietly, his eyes finding Remus now. The man was trying to avoid eye contact, but caught Sirius’ gaze. They stared at each other for a moment and there was an awkward moment of silence that Lily wasn’t blind to. “That’s been Remus’ patronus ever since we were kids.”

Lily’s smile was knowing and she bit her lip in an attempt to hide it. “Oh, well… it’s wonderful, and it helped a lot. Do you think I’ll get in trouble for using magic, though?”

“Probably not.” Remus reasoned, guiding Lily to sit down in the kitchen. “You were with me, and I can have Dumbledore write the ministry an owl about the attack. I’ll go do that now, before things get complicated. Give you some time together, anyway.” He squeezed her shoulder once more before looking at Sirius. “Make her some hot chocolate, it’ll calm the nerves.”

After Remus disappeared, Lily watched as Sirius putzed around the kitchen making a kettle. “You and Remus…” She started, a crease appearing in the middle of her forehead. “What’s going on with you two?”

Sirius turned to look at her from the counter, feigning confusion. “What do you mean?”

Lily let out a laugh, sitting up straighter now. “Something is going on with you two! This house, does this belong to both of you? Do you live here together?” She didn’t mean to pry, but her curiosity was too strong. After all, Sirius’ happiness interested her more than most. 

Sighing, Sirius brought over two mugs of hot chocolate and took a seat. “So many private questions.” He teased, wrinkling his nose at her. It was nice, sitting in the kitchen, able to talk to her about pleasant things instead of hurried meetings in a cave. “The answer you want is that we used to live here together, back when you were born. Remus and I were in a relationship, and nearly got married.”

Very little surprise passed over Lily’s face. She’d suspected something like this, especially back in the Shrieking Shack. A connection had definitely been there between her two guardians. “That doesn’t surprise me. The way you two talk about each other…” She trailed off, tilting her head. “Are you not together now?”

“It’s complicated, Lils.” Sirius said, taking a long drink from his hot chocolate. No statement had ever been more true about him and Remus the entire time he’d known him. “Obviously, we were separated by the war, by Azkaban. Fifteen years is a long time.” His smile softened now as he watched her. “Please don’t worry about it. We’re very much past it all.”

But Lily was worried. Only in the way that she thought it was silly for the two of them not to be happy now that they’d found each other in the end. She was a romantic at heart and loved the idea of the two men that had brought her so much happiness - finding happiness together. “Well, I think you two make an awfully cute couple.” She giggled into her mug, making Sirius laugh loudly.

“I’ll pass it on.” Sirius whispered conspiringly, looking up as Remus came back into the room. “Speak of the devil. We were just talking about you, Moony.”

Remus raised an eyebrow before grabbing himself a cup of tea rather than chocolate. “Hm.” He made a non-committal noise before sitting down next to Lily. “Knowing you, it was some sort of scheme, so I won’t ask any details.” He looked at Lily then, reaching to pat her hand. “I managed to floo Professor Dumbledore. He assures me that he will both look into the incident with the Dementors and talk to the Ministry.”

Relief flashed through Lily’s features as she drank her chocolate. “That’s a relief. I had a few notices a couple of years ago from the ministry for using magic.” She confessed, looking sheepish. “They threatened to expel me.”

“Ridiculous.” Sirius scoffed. “Magical children use accidental magic all the time, and if I remember correctly, that’s what yours was.” He shook his head, his eyes finding Remus’ now. “Don’t worry, you can use magic here. It’s unplottable, as are all the Black homes.”

“I was surprised Dumbledore said I could stay here. He’s always talking about blood protection and keeping me from the Weasleys.” Lily looked chestfallen then, thinking of how often she’d had to go back to the Dursleys over the years. “Are you sure I won’t have to go back?”

Remus returned his hand to Lily’s, squeezing it. “Lily, we have absolutely no intention of sending you back to your Aunt and Uncles. You have plenty of protection here.” He looked at Sirius then, catching his eyes in return. “We actually have an explanation for that, we should probably catch you up on it.”

Lily sat up straighter, looking interested now. She’d not heard anything about Voldemort or anything related to what was going on since she left Hogwarts. She’d felt entirely in the dark, and with the dementor attack, she was growing suspicious. “What protects me here? Does it keep Voldemort from finding me?”

“Yes.” Sirius said simply, swallowing tightly. “Listen, Lils, this isn’t an easy story to tell you. And when we asked Dumbledore to allow us to bring you here, we knew that we should tell you right away.” He looked to Remus again then, trying to gather strength. “Recently, Remus and I gained memories back that we lost a long time ago. Are you familiar with the obliviation spell?”

Nodding, Lily looked concerned, her eyes flicking between both men. “Someone obliviated you? That’s awful. I learned last year that it can cause lifelong mental trauma, and your memories can become really hard to piece back together.” She knew many horrible things had happened during the war, and hated to know two of her most favorite people had suffered even more than she already knew. “Who obliviated you?”

“Your mother.” Remus’s voice was hesitant and quiet, his eyes watching Lily intently for her reaction. “We’ve told you the story of how Peter betrayed your parents. How Sirius changed the secret keeper, how he was framed. All of that happened because our entire group of friends stopped trusting each other. When you went into hiding, your parents wanted to make sure that they had complete control over your safety. To do this, your mother felt as though she needed to wipe something from our memories.”

Listening carefully, Lily started to remember something she had heard in the graveyard, just the month before. It had confused her too much to bring up to Sirius since then, but it came back to her now. “In the graveyard, I told you that I saw Mom and Dad.” Lily was speaking to Sirius now, but at this confession, Remus gasped quietly. He hadn’t heard this yet. “They were like ghosts, and said that I needed to be brave, needed to get home. They kept saying ‘Get home to Sirius. Get home to Sirius. Tell him we’re sorry.” She shook her head, furrowing her brow. “Is that what they meant?”

“I would imagine so.” Sirius said, his voice sounding numb now. He was staring at Lily, emotion so bright in his eyes, it tore Remus in two. He reached under the table, grabbing Sirius’ hand tightly in his. Neither of them had had any time to process what their best friends had done to them, what they had taken from them and been unable to fix. It was hard to blame two people that they had both loved so much, but whom also couldn't explain themselves now.

Lily shifted in her seat, trying to process and understand. “It was a scary time, you've told me that." She whispered, not wanting to believe that her parents did it maliciously, but knew so many people turned against each other back then, and probably would again. "You said she wiped your memory. What memory did she take from you? Was it something about me?”

Remus nodded slowly, before looking back to Sirius. “Would it be easier if we simply showed her?”

Sirius pushed his chair out then and stood on shaking legs, disappearing from the room. Returning, he carried a small basin that Lily recognized immediately.

“A pensieve! I’ve used one.” Lily scooted forward in her seat, watching as Sirius put the bowl on the table. Then, with a somehow steady hand, Sirius pulled a long silver strand from the side of his head using his wand. He let it glide into the basin, turning the water into a swirl of blue and gray. “You both are starting to make me think I should be scared to know.”

“Oh, Lily, no.” Remus whispered, shaking his head. “No, it’s not bad news, really. Or scary. However, it will be life changing in so many ways, for all three of us.”

Sirius reached out then, his hand clasping one of Lily’s. He pulled it into both of his, tightening his fingers around hers until she looked up to meet his eyes. “What you see is going to change a lot about how you feel about both of us. Lily, please promise me something before we go in.” He swallowed tightly then, tears clogging his dry throat now. “Promise me that you will remember how much I love you. How much you mean to me, and how I would never, ever keep anything from you. Especially not this.”

Lily couldn’t take her eyes off of her godfather, her heart starting to quicken as she processed his words. “Sirius, I love you too.” She whispered, squeezing his hand reassuringly. “But you are really starting to scare me.”

“You’ll understand when we see it.” Remus reasoned, taking Lily’s other hand in his now. “Together in three, alright? One, two…”

And with that, all three of them plunged their heads into the water.

Chapter 5: The Memory (Again)

Summary:

Lily dives head first into the memory.

Notes:

I would like to note that this is the first time Lily has ever seen this memory in any aspect of our winding multiverse.

This chapter was longer, but Sirius and Remus started talking (spoilers!) and I couldn't include that in this chapter.

Happy Reading!

As the three of them landed, Lily became all too aware of the familiar sensations around her. This memory was so much like the others, hazy and echoed. She noticed her parents first, standing together. The elder Lily had her hand protectively over her belly, and her father’s arm was around her. The younger Sirius and Remus stood off to the side, the space between them obvious as they glared at each other.

It was then she realized that she’d never seen the two of them look at each other with anything but… was longing the right word?

She stood with the older Sirius and Remus and watched the scene unfold, her heart in her throat.

“We don’t know that there is a spy.” Her mother whispered, staring at her husband. “James doesn’t think so, perhaps he’s right.”

Her father was staring at the other men in the room now and looked angry. “This is ridiculous. We are family! There is no reason to believe that any of us would ever betray one another. I’m sure that this is some misunderstanding, that we will discover Dumbledore is simply being paranoid.”

The younger Sirius scowled, staring at the older Lily. “I would never betray this family. Not any of you. You have to know that!” He looked at the younger Remus then, who looked so scared. “But I have been at least honest about my raids!”

The younger Lily watched as the family argued, but found her eyes wandering towards the two men standing with her. The elder Remus and Sirius were watching their former selves and the pain she saw in their eyes made her want to pull out of the memory. Nothing was worth the anguish she saw between them. 

At her godfather’s next words, Lily paused and looked at his younger self, her heart pounding loudly in her chest. 

“Then, I can’t raise this baby with you.” The younger Sirius gasped out, and everyone seemed stunned around him. “I will raise it myself, James. I don’t need anyone else. It was my idea to have the baby - some foolish attempt at leaving a legacy maybe - but my idea. If Remus can’t allow me to trust him, then I will do this by myself.”

A loud buzzing seemed to fill the younger Lily’s ears now, the scene before her growing muffled and cloudy. She could hear her mother arguing, crying about how Remus and Sirius couldn’t have their own children, how they were going to get married and raise her together after the war.

Because she was their child. Their baby.

Through her haze, she saw the younger Sirius insist that he do it alone, saw Remus agree that Sirius would. She heard them yelling at each other, saying horrible things. And then her mother - crying. 

Out of the corner of her eye, the younger Lily couldn’t help but look at the older Sirius and Remus. They were standing side by side now, holding hands in a vice grip as their tear filled eyes watched the scene in front of them, seemingly overwhelmed by what they saw.

Tearing her own eyes away, Lily watched as her mother raised her wand, her heart leaping as she cast the obliviation charm and the memory ended.

-

The kitchen back into view as all three occupants fell out of the pensive, catching themselves against the table.

Remus and Sirius’ eyes stayed on Lily, the silence between them all deafening in the small cottage. 

Lily held onto the table as if it was the only thing keeping her upright, tears holding steady in her eyes and refusing the fall. “The memory my mom took from the both of you, it was to hide that you were my parents?” She asked, her voice shaking as she rose her eyes to them. “What did she replace it with?”

Sirius couldn’t find his voice, so Remus stepped forward. “Up until that memory was retrieved, Sirius and I were led to believe that we had decided not to have a baby after all. That you were simply the daughter of James and Lily Potter, and Sirius was made your godfather.” He spread out his hands then as if to say he wasn’t sure. “I imagine they were going to tell us when the war was over, and you were safe.”

“But that didn’t happen.” Lily whispered, a tear escaping now. How she wished she could talk to her mother, try to understand why she did what she did. “How long have you known?”

“A few days at most.” Sirius responded now, his voice hoarse. Watching himself scream at Remus the way he did was ripping him apart inside. He needed to talk to him about it later when they were alone. “My first thought was telling you, Lily, you have to believe that. This is not a secret we would have kept from you.”

Lily bit her lip then, a sob twisting in her chest. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, quietly mourning the loss of what she knew. James Potter had been hers. She’d never met him, had only known him as a memory, but he had belonged to her. And now she didn’t know what to think. “Who is…are you my father?” She looked at Sirius now, her voice shaking more now.

Sirius moved forward without thinking much at all, his hands going to Lily’s arms. When she didn’t pull away, he squeezed them, pulling her a step closer. “You are my daughter. A baby that that I created with your mother using magic. Remus’ core is in here too, perfectly pieced together with mine.” He took her hand, pressing it to her heart. “Do you feel that?”

Lily’s eyes widened and she nodded quickly, tears coming faster now. “That’s from you?” She whispered, having noticed it once or twice before. Magic was still so new to her in so many ways, she’d reasoned the times before. 

“Memories can be taken, but that’s forever.” Sirius whispered, searching Lily’s eyes. “So much of me is within you, sweet girl. And I regret every minute, every moment I missed with you. If I had known what I do now, I would have never done what I did.” He shook his head, tears unnoticed entirely. “Please know that I make no excuse for the time I lost but I loved you every day, every moment, and lived entirely for you.”

Lily jumped forward then with a choked sob, hugging her father so tightly, she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to let go. “I love you too.” She breathed, knowing she couldn’t blame him for what he didn’t know. The rest, she’d forgiven instantly a long time ago. 

Remus watched Lily and Sirius, his own heart a fractured mess of fear. Fear that she would reject him, fear that she would never feel that sort of connection to him. But as Lily pulled away from Sirius and looked to him, he came closer. “Lily, I don’t want you to see that memory and think I didn’t want you.” His voice was full of pain as he spoke. “I loved you so desperately and I still do. I let fear control so much of what I did back then, but I won’t anymore. You are what’s important now.”

Lily moved and easily tucked herself into Remus’ arms, surprising him for the second time that day. “I knew I couldn’t love you for nothing.” She whispered, her voice still full of tears but carrying a warmth for this man that had shown her nothing but kindness for years. “And anyone would be lucky to call you their Dad, Remus. I…I feel very lucky to have you both. But I…” She pulled back to look at them both, feeling exhaustion start to take over. “I think I need some time to process all of this.”

Sirius nodded quickly, glancing between Lily and Remus now. “Of course. Let me know you to your room.” He was happy for the distraction, his hand going to her back as he guided her down the hall to her door.

As it opened, Lily’s eyes widened, not expecting it to be more than a spare bedroom. The bed was a four poster, carrying new bedding with constellations across the dark fabric. The walls were covered in paintings she somehow recognized, familiar animals chasing each other across the wood. Clothes filled the closet and dresser, and all of their things were magically tucked away. 

“Sirius…” She whispered, fresh tears in her voice as she quickly turned and hugged the man she now knew to be her father. The man who had sacrificed everything for the last two years to be nothing but a father to her already.

“Tip of the iceberg, sweet girl.” Sirius whispered into her hair, hugging her tightly. “Whatever I have, whatever I can give you, it’s yours. Including the protection of this home. You are safer her than you’ve ever been, so please, get some much needed sleep.” He smiled at her softly before kissing her forehead. “We’ll talk more in the morning.”

Sirius knew that now that Lily was tucked in, there was one very serious conversation that needed to be had.

Chapter 6: Padfoot and Moony

Summary:

A much needed dam is broken, but unrepairable.

Notes:

You were the best but you were the worst
As sick as it sounds, I loved you first
I was a dick, it is what it is
A habit to kick, the age-old curse
I tend to laugh whenever I'm sad
I stare at the crash, it actually works
Making amends, this shit never ends
I'm wrong again, wrong again

Lay on the horn to prove that it haunts me
I love you, I'm sorry

I have nothing. Happy Reading and I'm so sorry.

As Sirius came back into the living room, he noticed immediately that Remus wasn’t there. He frowned, wandering through the house before he landed in their former bedroom.

Remus sat on the bed, staring at his hands. When Sirius came in, he glanced up, biting his lip. The sadness he felt was clear on every inch of his face, his own heart beating hard in his ears. “Shut the door, will you? I don’t want her to hear.”

“Plan to shout at me, Moony?” Sirius teased half heartedly, leaning against the door now. He wanted to go to the other man, but instead pressed his arms behind him against the wood. “I’d deserve it. The way I treated you back then…”

Closing his eyes, Remus tucked his chin against his chest. Relieving that memory had been like truly stepping back in time. All he could think of was the pain he felt, knowing Sirius hadn’t trusted him. Hell, hadn’t even liked him. “I lost not just Lily that day, Sirius.” Remus said, looking up at his best friend now. “Though I’m pretty sure I’d already lost you by then.”

A hard breath escaped Sirius then and he was moving. Without meaning to, he was suddenly at Remus’ side, sinking into the bed next to him. “Losing me isn’t something you can do.” He confessed, his eyes intent on him now. “Did you lose me physically for thirteen years? Sure. A technicality. But the fact of the matter is…” He shook his head, unable to stomach the pain he felt radiating through him. “You and I, that’s forever.”

Remus let his eyes meet Sirius’, and he stared into the same blue he’d always gotten lost in before. Lily shared those eyes, but there was nothing Remus could compare to the look Sirius always gave him. The burning. “Sirius…” He whispered, his voice cracking over his name. “You can’t say that to me after not speaking to me more than pleasantries for almost a year. For never once coming to me when you were on the run, never once trying to tell me the truth.” Angry tears swam in Remus’ eyes and he brought a furious hand up to pinch them away.

“You wouldn’t have believed it.” Sirius breathed back, his voice harsher now. “Don’t sit there and pretend that we would have had some sort of romantic reunion. You were convinced I did it. You let everyone tell you I was a murderer.” He shook his head slowly then, his jaw shaking. “Had I really become that to you?”

Remus’ eyes slipped closed and he lowered his head into his hands, his fingers fisting in his hair. “It was easier to believe that you had betrayed everyone, then it was that you had just stopped trusting me.” Remus felt the confession come out of him like a ripped open wound and he doubled over. A broken noise came out of him, his heart pounding so hard it felt outside of his body. “If you had told me, if you had believed me to be someone you could trust, none of it would have happened. I turned you against me and they died .”

The silence that stretched between them was louder than any yelling could have been.

“You blame me still then?” The question was so quiet, Sirius barely got it past his lips loud enough for Remus to hear.

Looking up now, Remus gave a desperate shake of his head. “ No . No, I blame myself. Entirely.” He let his eyes travel over every bit of Sirius’ face, lost in the differences between the man next to him and the one in the memory all those years ago. “I should have told you what I was doing, where I was. If I had trusted you as much as I expected you to trust me, they’d still be here.”

Sirius couldn’t stop his hand from reaching out, his fingers finding a stray hair curling over Remus’ forehead. He smoothed it back, his rough and calloused thumb trailing just above the other man’s eye. “We can’t keep living in the past, Moony.” He whispered, his own eyes mapping out Remus’ face now. Memorizing every new scar, every new frown line. “We can place blame and forgiveness all day, but it won’t bring us any closer to where we need to be. For Lily.”

Remus let his eyes close again, leaning into the touch he craved so much it felt like a hallucination at this point. “I want to put it behind me. The guilt. But it’s so hard for me to do when I see you a prisoner in your own home.”

Encouraged, Sirius cupped the other man’s face with both hands, his body pressing closer to his. His thumbs trailed over his jaw, his eyes clouding with need as they trailed over the lines his fingers left. “Hardly a prisoner with you here.” He whispered, his eyes flicking up to his now. 

“ Sirius… ” Remus breathed, swallowing tightly at the look he saw in the man’s eyes. How many times in his life had he seen that look? Never enough, honestly. 

Sirius leaned forward, his forehead brushing against Remus’, one of his hands sliding down the side of his neck. A breathless laugh escaped him as he pressed so close, their thighs brushed up against each other. He resisted the urge to pull the man into his lap, wanting nothing more to have him flush against him. 

“I missed that sound.” Sirius murmured, his lips so close to the other man’s. “It never came to me in my cell, but it’s haunted me since my escape. Please… again.” It was a plea, a desperate whine coming from Sirius’ mouth.

There were many moments in his life - all of which had included Sirius, when Remus felt like he needed better judgement. This was one of them.

“ Sirius ” He gasped before pressing his lips desperately against the other man’s. His arm wrapped around him, tugging him so roughly against him they both toppled sideways onto the covers. Rolling, he pinned him down with his hips, unable to control his need to be closer. So much closer. 

Sirius wasted no time in tanging his hands into Remus’ hair, deepening the kiss with a rough groan. One of his hands found the hem of Remus’ shirt, pushing it up so that he could explore the plains of his back. “Don’t ask me to stop.” He whispered pleadingly, his lips trailing down over Remus’ jaw. He knew this couldn’t last, knew the other man too well.

Pulling back with a gasp, Remus stared down at Sirius. His chest was heaving with the effort it took to breathe, one of his hands staying still under Sirius’ shirt. The other held the side of his neck, seemingly unwilling to let go. “We can’t do this.” He whispered, his voice sounding pained. 

“Why?” Sirius challenged as he stared up at him. In an effort to catch his breath, he let his eyes roam over the flushed patches of Remus’ skin, the way his pupils blew wide. “You want this, I can tell you do.”

Remus rolled off of him and sat up, rubbing a hand over his face. Too much had happened that day, too many questions were still left unanswered. And their daughter was in the next room, processing it all as well. “It’s too much.” Was all he said, swallowing against the tightness in his throat.

Sirius put his hand on Remus’ back, watching him as he slid his hand in circles over his shirt. He didn’t want to, but he did understand completely what Remus meant. Now was not the time to get lost in each other. “At least stay?” He asked as his eyes found Remus’. “Let me hold you?”

“That, I can do.” Remus murmured, pulling Sirius back down on the bed. He pulled the covers over them, not worried about a change of clothes or a shower. Just Sirius, and his chest pressed up against his. Reaching up, he smoothed his hand through his hair, watching as the other man’s eyes slipped closed. “Always my weakness.”

“My hair?” Sirius asked, his laugh vibrating from his chest. He wrapped his arms around Remus, whispering a Nox to turn out the light. With the other man in his arms, he felt like he could face anything the world had for him. And it had plenty. 

Remus laughed with him, tucking his face into the other man’s neck. He had almost five inches on Sirius, but it had been so long since he’d been held. Honestly, touched more than just a hug. And it was so wonderful, he couldn’t imagine letting go again. “ You .” He murmured.

Sirius didn’t hide his grin as he reached down, tilting Remus’ chin up to look at him. He leaned down, brushing his lips gently against his. “I’m yours, Remus. I always have been. Your best friend, your family, your partner. Whatever you’ll give me, I’ll take. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise me.” Remus whispered, the dark quiet of the room giving him the confidence he needed. “Promise me that no matter what happens, we’ll never lose each other again. I can’t do it again, Sirius.”

Pulling Remus back against his chest, Sirius buried his head in the man’s hair. “I promise.” He breathed, closing his eyes as he savored the one thing he’d wanted the most - the other half of his heart, safe in his arms.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 11 of Second of Her Name