Chapter Text
Mid September was always a difficult time for Subong, but he never could put his finger on why. Was it when he was recruited? Was it when his attempt had failed? These questions ring throughout his head at night. Maybe, it could be multiple reasons balled into one. As he lay on his side, staring at a dusty window as rain drops slammed onto the glass. It was no later than 1AM and his best friend still hasn’t gotten back. His eyes drifted to his phone that remained silent, not a notification in sight. It had been quiet since he left. Usually, after his best friend had left for whatever adventure he was partaking in that day, he would be giving him updates. These updates were either small bits of information as to what he was doing right that second, pictures of gifts or food, anything. But this time, it had been dead silent. It was unusual of him, and uncomfortable. Subong shifted over to his back, his necklace falling behind his shoulder due to the movement. Staring at the popcorn ceiling in front of him, he debated on grabbing his phone and texting him- no, maybe calling him- but it would be too much. He bit the inside of his lower lip and let himself be at war with his choices. If he were to text him, he would be more likely to reply because he might be with someone- and picking up a phone in the middle of a conversation could be considered rude. But, if he were to text him, that means the attention would be fully drawn away and he’d have to look away from the person. And ignoring a text in front of someone might for some reason make the other person uncomfortable, and, and, and.
The run on thoughts continued, strung out like a 5th graders first ever essay. He sat up, finally, and reached over to the phone, double tapping the screen. He was met with a picture of them from the first ever time they had met. They were at the club he used to frequent, Club Pentagon, he was leaning over to press his face against his. His black hair was the perfect contrast to his purple hair that was freshly dyed at the time. Their faces almost made a heart at the center of his screen, the time just above their faces so you could see the expressions perfectly. Subong stared at the picture for a while. It was a week before they started dating, and a month before they broke up. But those memories felt like years to him. He took a deep breath and typed in the password, the date of when they met. He swiped down to view the notification bar- maybe, just maybe, he missed one? To his expectations, he didn’t miss any. Tapping on the Message app, he looked at the last notification he had sent. It was sent at 16:45/4:45pm from GyuNamsu , saying “ I’ll be back in a few hours. ” He scoffed quietly, almost playfully. What was that supposed to mean? He stared at his screen a bit more before shutting it off and putting it on the night stand beside him.
The night stand was covered with tissues, empty and half full soda cans and water bottles, suspiciously shaped square wrappers that were gold that were from months ago (Of course, not containing the suspicious transparent plastic inside), and his phone was placed in the only cleared spot on the dusty and slightly yellowed white night stand. He went back to staring at the ceiling. If he rested his eyes, maybe the time would pass a lot more quickly. As he began to shut his eyes, the doorknob clicked and the hallway light pooled inside, just enough for it to hit the foot of the bed. His eyes stayed shut, not wanting to face the black haired man, there was no reason to be excited about his presence anymore in the way he used to be. While he did love and care for him, there was no point to have the label of a ‘relationship’. In his eyes, he viewed himself as someone that was too far gone, too needy, too high maintenance, too much of… everything. He was the one that had ended it first, he didn’t want to, but if he didn’t, what if he did?
“Thanos?” He spoke as he took his shoes off and set a black bag on the ground. He bit his lower lip again, refusing to answer. “Thanos, are you asleep?” The voice was a bit more gentle, but he needed to correct him. “Don’t be calling me that, I told you…” Subong muttered, forcing himself to sound like he just woke up. “Namgyu, where were you?” Namgyu hitched his breath, “I was out with some friends shopping for the apartment, and then I was at Club Pentagon for a little bit,” He stripped off his bootleg Thanos World T-shirt that was a gift from Subong. “I also wanted to get you some snacks as well.” He then pulled down his ripped jeans, showing purple and green boxers. “Than- I mean, Subong, I really really just want to talk to you about-” “No, no, you didn’t get the first time, you didn’t understand the second time,” He lifted himself up, now sitting against the pillows. “Namgyu, listen. If you really want to talk about it. We need to talk about it tomorrow. It is so late.” This is where he took notice of the shirt that sat behind him on the bed. “Namgyu, you need to move on.” Namgyu stared at the wall for a second before turning around to face the purple haired man staring at his back. “What?” “You heard me. You need to move on.” Subong sat up and placed his feet on the cold tiled floor. “I- I am moved on, what do you mean?” Namgyu lied, and a small laugh came from him. “I just am utilizing the clothes you gave me, and since we live together, I just might as well get us some decor," He shook his head and faced back forward.
“You’re a fucking liar.” Subong scoffed, half playfully, half painfully. “You need to understand that I cannot be with you and we are not fit for each other. You need to get your shit together.” Subong slid his eyes to him before turning his head, tracing Namgyu with his eyes. “I understand I was your first real relationship, but-” “Stop stalking.” Subong felt taken aback. His words felt sharp, icy, and cold. “What?” “I said stop talking.” Namgyu had tears in his eyes, forcing himself to keep the burning salty tears in him. He swallowed hard, the emotions he felt were complicated. He felt angry, irritated, frustrated, and hurt, but so in love and felt terrible for Subong. “You don’t fucking get it, I always told you I want to help you- you need someone with patience and someone who can actually handle you, and I can! I can, I can, I can.” Namgyu raised his voice, not out of anger, but out of yearning. “Subong, I love you and I love you so fucking much that I almost hate you. You aren’t understanding, I just- I need you so bad in my life. His face fell into his own hands and he placed his elbows on his knees. “The second I met you, I wasn’t giving you those drinks for fun, it's because I wanted to get close to you. And the second I did, everything clicked,” Namgyu choked out. “I loved helping you, holding you when you cried for hours, I loved reassuring you, I loved giving you the care you always needed.” Subong stared at him, he didn’t know how to explain that he also felt the same way.
He recalled when they broke up, he pushed the relationship away due to him being in his own head. Subong always struggled to find relationships, usually having them last for a few days before they ghosted him because of his own issues. He always dreamt of having someone that could handle him, but when he did, he felt paranoid it wasn’t real. Namgyu during the break up, comforted him even then, rubbing his back and letting him just cry. He didn’t speak any words aside from small you’re okay’ s and it’s alright. “Namgyu I’m-” “No, don’t say you’re sorry. I should be sorry.” Namgyu used the base of his palm to wipe away tears that escaped his eyes before looking up to hold the rest in. “It’s just, you aren’t getting it. You really really aren’t getting it. I fucking love you, dude.” Should I just say it? Subong thought to himself while he stared at him. “I love you too.” Subong muttered, loud enough to be audible, but slurred enough to be inaudible. “What?” “I said I love you, Namgyu.” Namgyu stood up and brought himself closer to Subong before sitting next to him. “Do you truly and really mean it? And are you ready to restart?” Subong had to take a moment to think about what was asked of him. "Well, I really would like to- but I think I need to have some more time to really sleep on it. You know how late it is." Namgyu placed his hand on Subong's back and traced his tattoos with his fingers. He hummed quietly, "Alright. That sounds good to me. Lets sleep."
Subong finally felt at ease, and as they let their bodies rest against the cold mattress, everything felt right again. Subong always struggled with communication, but Namgyu never struggled to provide reassurance for the feelings he could not describe. He was facing Namgyu, as he hasn't been able to face him in the way that he used to. Before they had broke it off, they moved in together very early. They trusted each other and knew that they were meant to be together. He reached his hand out to place it against Namgyus face and tuck a few strands of hair behind his ear. Namgyu always had tucked his own hair behind his ears in the games, even before then. He never knew if this was a habit of his, or if it was him trying to show his full face to Subong. Either way, he found it adorable. He dragged his hand back and finally let his eyes shut as he couldn’t ignore the heavy feeling. Subong never understood how Namgyu felt towards him, always assuming he either just wanted him for the drugs he kept in his necklace before and during the games. But, now understanding that he was wrong about that assumption, it helped him sleep better. He felt himself be carried away by slumber as he listened to Namgyus quiet tired breaths.
In his mind, his dreams- his nightmare, it came back to him
Nothing matters. Just fucking do it already. Just do it. Why are you still fucking standing there? Do it, do it, do it. He was back on that ledge, a vape in his hands. He stared down at the waves crashing below him and the cold air slamming against his skin. The road behind him was empty and the grey scenery was never ending. It was just him in a ocean and cloudy void. He gripped the vape tightly as his shirt flapped in the wind. He took another step closer to the ledge, involuntarily. He felt like he was watching a movie from a first person perspective. He was not in control, but he needed out. In this hell-like nightmare, he almost felt like he could feel his heart racing. His shoes now hung over the ledge and his hands were by his side. He 'let' himself fall, but the more he fell, the more the ocean felt further, like he was falling down a never ending hole. He watched in horror as the bridge drew further and further, and so did the ocean. The never ocean got closer, letting himself wallow in his own regrets of falling off that ledge. He squinted as a shadowy figure walked to the edge. It stared down at him, the figure looked familiar. It appeared to be Namgyu, but it was disproportionate. It was too tall, too lanky. He felt stuck. He needed to get out, he needed to get out.
**AUTHORS NOTE!**
chapter 2 is in the works ,,, or whateva,,,,