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Crawly sidles up beside Aziraphale, who is watching the scene unfolding before them, serene and fretful.
“Care for a bet, angel? My money’s on the big fucker.”
“Oh, Crawly!” Aziraphale schools his face before continuing. “I’m not one for casting lots, but you must know that’s a losing wager. Young David there has Her on his side.” He glances upwards, lest Crawley misunderstand his meaning.
Crawly blanches. It looks rather like he has smelled something particularly unpleasant. “Heard about that mess. Something about an ‘unlawful’ sacrifice not being good enough because Saul wouldn’t commit genocide? Does sound about par for the course for your side these days.”
Aziraphale demurs, pulling at his robes, as if smoothing the fabric will soothe his nerves, too. “Why are you here, Crawly?”
“Someone needed to give Goliath a pep talk. He was feeling a bit hesitant about picking on someone so much smaller than him. Needed a bit of below-board encouragement, is all. Think there might be some truth to those Nephilim rumours? I mean, look at the size of him.”
Aziraphale stays silent for a moment, surveying the ongoing battle preparations with feigned interest. “Well, he’s not much of a conversationalist, so I don’t suspect you got very far.”
“Not much of a conversa– Aziraphale, I couldn’t get the guy to shut up once he had a few wineskins in him! Nearly drank me under the table, by the way, might request hazard pay in my repor– wait a tick. How would you know?”
“If you must know, I was simply trying to assure our victory with minimal bloodshed. It wasn’t strictly in my orders, of course, but it seemed the prudent course of action. He was rather rude about the whole thing. Absolutely appalling manners for a host, even on a battlefield.”
“Expecting hospitality from a Philistine is like expecting…” Crawly waves a hand and trails off, looking over said battlefield as if he’s lost his train of thought while absorbed in the proceedings. “David’s the one you should be concerned about, in any case. Kid is too busy writing his emo poetry and fiddling around with his harp to even tend to his sheep. Don’t know how your lot managed to drag him away for the anointing.”
“Well, I may have had to employ a few extra eyes, but it did help refocus his attention. People are so skeptical these days. Too many false prophets walking around giving our human agents a bad name. Samuel had a devil of a time... wait, when did you talk to David?”
“Never said I did. Just checking out the opposition.”
“Crawly, I’m your opposition, not some lowly shepherd boy.”
“Oh, that’s right. Nearly forgot, he’s just a pawn in Her ineffable game. It’s alright when you meddle, but Satan forbid a demon take a walk in the countryside.”
Aziraphale wheels anticlockwise to face Crawly, posture ramrod straight.
“You know very well that’s not what I meant! He has been chosen, by Her, by name, to return Her people to the path of righteousness and glory! A shepherd is a perfectly reasonable choice for that task!”
“It’s God, Aziraphale,” Crawly says quietly, refusing to cede ground, “when has reasonable ever come into it?”
Aziraphale huffs, signalling the end of the argument. “It isn’t my place to judge the will of the Almighty.”
“Never is, is it?” Crawly’s tone has a worn flint’s edge. His gaze, however, remains sharp and steady.
A loud thud. A sudden shaking of the earth reverberates across the land, and the Israelites around them erupt into cheers. Crawly, wordlessly, reaches into his robes and hands over a pouch of shekels.
His face cracks into a grin. “Lunch, angel? Looks like the ransacking of the tents is about to start, and as it’s Her people doing the pillaging, I think we can chalk this one up to a draw and clock out early. My treat.”
Some time later, Crawly and Aziraphale’s reports to head office are both robustly embellished narratives of success: of an Israelite king usurped through plotting and murder and all manner of other sins, and of the Chosen king ascending to the throne of the United Monarchy by means of Her blessed might against all human (and demonic) machinations, respectively. Crawly’s request for hazard pay is denied outright.