Work Text:
Jay lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling. Just another day, another week, another month, or another forever where he doesn’t want to face the world. Not that he ever wanted anyone to know how he felt. Despite the efforts of many to get him to talk about it for the past year he remained tight-lipped, acting as if he’s fine, as though the loss of his best friend was no big deal. Not that anyone bought it but they couldn’t get anything out of him.
The worst was that no one knew why he was this way. Being best friends was bad enough but it was more than that. Jay had feelings for Nate that he’d never told anyone about. But Nate knew and he smiled and told me it was okay. That didn’t mean he reciprocated the feelings, at least not as far as Jay knew, but it didn’t matter to him. They would always be best friends. At least until he died.
Jay went on with his life. He was diligent with his studies. He kept up on sports. He didn’t get close to anyone again but he did get really drunk at the many senior year parties. It made it easier to check out. Girls came at him and he made out with them and then walked away before anything further could happen. It’s not that he didn’t have any interest on some levels but the idea of being with anyone at all, when Nate was dead, just didn’t seem possible. He thought people knew that his unexpressed grief kept people at a distance. It wasn’t just the girls but it was all of the friends he and Nate had.
There was the sound of his doorknob twisting but it stopped since he’d locked it. It was annoying when people tried to walk in on him, thinking they’d catch him in his sorrow. He decided to lock them out, or at least let them in only on his terms.
Then came the knock on the door. He ignored it. Another knock followed by more silence. The knocking became more insistent but he didn’t want to be bothered.
“Jay,” came the voice of his mother. “Are you okay?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Jayson Campbell you open this door right now.”
Jay sighed, got up, and unlocked the door. He went back to lay on his bed before his mother opened the door. He ignored her presence.
“What’s wrong, Jay,” she asked.
Jay just looked at her like she was asking what color the sky was.
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“This month is-”
Jay got up and walked out of the room. He went into the bathroom, slamming the door shut, and locking the door. He turned on the shower. The water was really hot when he stepped into it. Sometimes it felt like the pain from the hot water was deserved for surviving when Nate hadn’t.
He stayed in the shower until it got cold. Then he got out, wrapped a towel around his waist, and stalked off to his bedroom. He shut the door and locked it. He dried off and put on a different set of clothes, then combing his hair. He wasn’t bothered again, at least not until it was time for dinner.
Jay went to the dinner table. His mother didn’t say anything but she didn’t appear to be upset. She knew, even understood, so she couldn’t hold onto any type of anger. Since Jay wouldn’t go to therapy she did so that she could help her find ways to reach out to him. Results were mixed but she had learned how to accept his emotional issues, particularly on the one year anniversary of Nate’s death. She knew when to push and when to back off. For the moment it was time to back off.
Jay’s father looked at him and smiled. He felt much more comfortable around him since his father just let him be. They talked about sports or other kinds of casual conversation. He was also good at sitting with Jay in silence when he sensed his son didn’t want to talk. Jay didn’t know if his father knew just how much he valued their relationship.
Jay’s father squeezed his forearm for a moment before withdrawing. It elicited a small smile from Jay. He could see that Jay was reacting in a way that she couldn’t. There might have been a hint of jealousy on her face but followed by relief that he had calmed down.
His mother placed down a tray of lasagna, a bowl of salad, and some green beans. She dished out food to everyone. He was required to eat some of everything. It wasn’t a bad idea and he’d had a lifetime of being used to it.
“This is really good, Mom,” Jay said.
He saw the smile on her face. He didn’t say that to make her happy or as an apology since he actually did enjoy it. There just wasn’t any reason not to say so.
“Thank you, Jayson,” she responded.
He briefly frowned but that quickly vanished. He preferred the diminutive of his first name. Everyone knew that. His teachers knew that. His coach knew that. His friends - who he had a strained relationship with lately - knew that. His parents knew that.
“I agree with Jay,” his father said. “You labor so hard in the kitchen for us and it’s paid off. Again.”
Jay knew his father had seen the frown and intentionally used his preferred name.
“Thank too, Mike. Jay, I’m very glad this is a meal you’re enjoying.”
That sentence was so weird to Jay’s ears but he got it. She’d realized the formality had been a problem and wanted to make sure to make Jay more comfortable.
Jay cleaned up. Then they watched the news, and a comedy show. It was all part of family time. They didn’t always get that, especially if Jay had a late practice or his dad had to work late, or if Jay was staying with a friend, so when they were all home family time was a requirement. Jay didn’t mind so much. Some kids barely saw or talked to their parents. To Jay it was a sense of communion and being loved. As much as his mother could annoy him about trying to make him express his grief, he knew she did it out of love. He loved her, too, but he wouldn’t say anything until he was ready. If he ever were.
The next day after practice, Jay’s father was waiting to pick him up. It was usually his mother so he found it odd.
“Where’s Mom,” Jay asked.
“Her therapist had to make a change in his schedule and asked if your mother could come in a little later. We’ll have about an hour home with just the two of us. Pizza is already on its way.”
Jay grinned at that. It was very rare when they got to have pizza.
“Sausage?”
“You know it. It’s just for us. Mom will have something else.”
They got home right about the time when the pizza delivery man pulled in. It wasn’t just pizza, either. There was a two liter bottle of Doctor Pepper. That was even more rare than pizza.
Jay got the plates and glasses out to set the table. Then they dug in. Jay had three slices of pizza and two glasses of soda. Once they’d finished, Jay’s father picked up the plates and glasses, putting them in the sink. That was strange. Cleanup was always immediate.
“Let’s go sit on the couch,” Jay’s father said.
Jay followed and sat down. Without his mother present there was an odd space between them on the couch.
“Something special on TV,” Jay asked.
“I was thinking more about you. How was practice?”
“Tough. After losing that last game he ran us really hard.”
“It’s almost over. Then you won’t have to deal with football ever again if you don’t want. I told you that you didn’t have to play this year.”
“I just… needed to keep myself busy.”
“How has that worked out?”
Jay didn’t say anything. His father was obviously fishing for something. He’d always been hands off, or never pushed for more than Jay was willing to give. He wondered why he was asking now. Surprisingly, it didn’t bother him. They never had the opportunity to spend time alone and he realized he could just be himself.
“I was in love with Nate.”
He couldn’t believe he’d said that. He’d never expressed to anyone, other than Nate, that he was attracted to guys. He was afraid to look at his father but the man pulled him over and hugged him close.
“How long have you been holding that in?”
“I told Nate. He didn’t mind. He said that nothing could get in the way of our friendship.” He choked out a sob. “And then he was gone!”
His father rubbed Jay’s back for a long time. Then they saw lights from his mother’s car.
“Let’s go upstairs,” his father said.
As they walked, his father shot off a quick text. He didn’t know who he sent it to or what was said but his mother didn’t bother them.
They lay down together on Jay’s bed. He held Jay close in a way he hadn’t done since he was a young boy. Jay hadn’t felt this okay in a long time.
After a while, Jay’s father got up. He gave Jay a kiss on the forehead and exited the room, closing the door behind him.
He didn’t feel like staring at the wall for once. When there was a knock on the door he wasn’t at all upset. He knew it was his mother but for once she hadn’t tried to open the door without consent.
“Come in,” he said to his mother.
She walked into the room with a smile. He gave a tentative smile back.
“Hi, Mom,” Jay said. “How was therapy?”
“It was good. I’ve learned some new things about myself. Understanding that I pushed you when you weren’t ready.”
“It’s okay.”
“I appreciate you saying so but I can see the mistakes I’ve made. I tried to push you. Your father was much better than I’ve been. He said you opened up to him tonight without me there.”
“What did he tell you?”
“He said you were finally able to show the emotions I’d been trying to pull out of you. All you needed was space and you didn’t have that until you were alone with him.”
Jay sat up on his bed. “I knew what you were trying to do. It was just that you always came at me when I needed time to myself.”
“You know you can always tell me anything.”
Jay tensed up. She was pushing again.
“I’m sorry. It’s a habit.”
Jay deflated. Then he stood up, walked over to his mother, and gave her a hug.
“I love you, Mom.”
He could hear the sniffling as she said, “I love you, too. I’ll always love you no matter what.”
Again he wondered if his father said anything. He doubted it. He was probably just reading too much into anything she said. It’s not that he was afraid for his mother to know about his feelings for Nate but he wanted to do that in his own time. He’d already felt a huge weight off of his shoulders by voicing it once so it could wait longer to tell anyone else.
At school, there was already a change. He smiled, talked to people, and generally seemed more open. Everyone noticed. Teachers, classmates, even the janitor.
“Are you feeling okay,” one of his friends said.
“Do I seem okay,” Jay responded.
“Yeah. That’s why I’m concerned. This is so out of character for you.”
Jay scowled but it didn’t last. Then he smiled.
“I just… it’s been going on too long.”
“I wouldn’t say it was too long,” another friend said. “You two were so close. And then how it happened.”
“Shut up, Cat,” said another said. “We’re trying to move on, not look back.”
Cat smiled at Jay.
“Sorry, Jay. I’m just glad you’re back with us.”
Then she gave him a hug.
“Oh, it’s okay. I get it. I… wasn’t sympathetic with anyone.”
“Dude. Forget it. Really, we’re just happy to see you smiling again.”
Later that night, the family sat down for dinner. Again, a night where they would all be together. It was actually a night his father usually worked late and he suspected he’d decided he needed to be home since Jay would be.
When dinner was over, Jay cleaned up. Then they went to sit on the couch. Jay was pensive.
“Can we turn off the TV,” Jay asked. “I want to talk about something.”
Jay’s father used the remote so that there was silence.
“What is it, honey,” his mother asked.
Jay looked nervous and looked at his father, who offered a slight nod.
“Okay, well, you know me and Nate were close, right?”
“This has been a hard month for you.”
Jay shook his head. “I mean, yeah, but it was more than that.” Jay rubbed a hand over his face. “I had feelings for him.”
“What… what kind of feelings?”
“I was in love with him.”
His mother was silent for several months. “You’re young. Sometimes feelings can be confusing. A close friendship can seem like—“
“Stop, Marge,” his father said. “He wasn’t asking you to validate his feelings. He’s telling you how it is.”
“Did you know about this,” she asked his father.
“That’s what he opened up to me about.”
“I had no idea you were gay, Jayson.”
“I didn’t say I was gay. It’s complicated.”
“Well, I need to think about this. Perhaps another session with my therapist.”
“What are you saying, Marge,” his father asked.
“I just need some time.”
“You always tell me to open up with my feelings,” Jay said angrily. “I should have known better than to trust you.”
Jay got up, walked out the front door, and slammed it behind him. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He didn’t even have his shoes. He sat on the front stoop.
The door opened and Jay’s father walked out, closing the door behind him
He sat next to his son. “I’m sorry, Jay. I had no idea she’d behave that way.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She was going on about grandchildren.”
“I never said I was gay.”
“Gay or not I’m more concerned about you here and now than some hypothetical future.” He hugged Jay to his side. “I love you, son.”
“I love you, too, Dad.”
The door opened and his mother still in his doorway. “Jay, I’m sorry. It’s just a lot to process. Give me time.”
“Go inside, Marge,” his father said. “I’ll take care of our son.”
She gave an insulted huff. She didn’t quite slam the door but neither did she close it softly.
“What am I supposed to do, Dad?”
“Just know that I’ll always be there for you. Your mother will come around. Let her take the time she needs.”
“You just accepted it right away and most people think mothers are more sympathetic than fathers.”
“She’s just confused.”
“What if she doesn’t change her mind?”
“Then we’ll handle it. You’re the most important person in my life. Nothing could make me stop loving you.”
They sat in silence for a while. Finally, Jay’s father got up and pulled him up. They went inside. His mother wasn’t in evidence.
Jay went up to his bedroom and closed the door. He locked it so no one walked in. He had just been feeling better about himself when his mother had to go and do this. He felt like he didn’t even know her. She didn’t know him, either. Or didn’t want to, not in some ways that counted.
He was surprised when there was a knock on the door. He didn’t answer.
“Jay, please let me come in,” his mother said from the other side.
“Go talk to your therapist,” said Jay.
“Please, Jay. I just want to talk.”
“Go away.”
“Please.”
“Didn’t your therapist tell you to stop pushing?”
“All right, Jay.”
No one else bothered him. He only came out of his bedroom to use the toilet, brush his teeth, and wash his face. Then he was back to his room with the door locked.
Jay took a picture of himself looking pensive and posted it to Instagram. The caption said “It never gets better”.
Later he was getting lots of notifications about his posts. He mostly ignored him. He needed the world to know about his pain but he didn’t want to talk about it.
In school one of his friends approached him.
“What happened,” Troy asked. “You were so happy yesterday.”
“I got in a fight with my mother,” Jay responded. “I was feeling pretty down when I made that post.”
“Are you gonna be okay?”
“Yeah. Being out of the house helps.”
He was asked a lot of questions throughout the day but mostly put on a fake smile and deflected.
After practice, Jay walked out to the parking lot. He saw his mother waiting in her car. Jay turned around and went to find Troy.
“Would you mind if I came over for a little while,” Jay asked. “I don’t think I can sit in the car with my mother and then sit down to dinner with her.”
“Let me ask my dad.”
Troy disappeared for a few minutes and then came back. “He said it’s fine.”
“Thanks.”
“You going to tell me what’s going on?”
“When we’re alone.”
Jay pulled out his phone and sent a text to his mother. Going to Troy’s. I’ll have dinner there. Then he put his phone away. He wasn’t interested in her response.
After dinner, Troy and Jay headed up to his room.
“Okay, pal,” Troy said. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Jay looked uncomfortable but he was committed. It was better to deal with all of this. If he was going to be an outcast he’d rather know up front.
“You know how me and Nate were close, right,” Jay said.
Troy gave a little laugh. “Everyone knows that. You guys were always together.”
“It was a little more than that, at least for me.”
Troy gave Jay a sidelong. “What does that mean?”
“It means I had feelings for Nate. More than just friendship.”
“You two were…?”
Jay shook his head. “I told Nate but he didn’t feel the same way. He just said we’d always be best friends.”
“So, are you, like, gay?”
“I don’t think so. I still like girls. I’m still attracted to them. I just don’t think I’m straight.”
“Huh.”
Jay wasn’t sure what to make of that comment.
“Does your dad know?”
“I told him first. He was okay. He was more worried that I’d been holding it in for so long. It was my mom who got all weird.”
“If you think it’s not safe there I’m sure my parents would let you stay over.”
“You’re not freaked out or anything?”
Troy shrugged his shoulders. “When I think about it I guess it makes sense. Looking back I can see it. It just wasn’t anything any of us thought about at the time. It’s not like you could’ve decided to not have feelings about him.”
Jay’s phone rang. He saw his father’s number flash on the screen. “Hi, Dad.”
“Are you okay,” he asked.
“Yeah. I just don’t want to be alone with her. I’m at Troy’s. I told him everything.”
“How did he take it?”
“He’s cool with it. He said I could stay over tonight if I wasn’t comfortable at home.”
There was silence for a few moments. “If that’s what you need to do then I’m fine with it. Just don’t keep shutting your mother out.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow after practice. Then we can talk.”
“Okay.”
“I love you, Jay.”
Jay’s cheeks burned as he said, “I love you, too, Dad.”
“What did he say?”
“He said I could stay over and he’d pick me up tomorrow after practice.”
Jay glanced at his phone. There were multiple messages from his mother practically up until his father called. He didn’t read any of them.
“Hey, mind if we take a selfie for Insta? I need something that’s not miserable like last night.”
The two sat on the floor against his bed. They made some funny poses with tongues out, “bunny” ears over their heads, and other things. A caption said “Feeling great tonight with my good buddy @tclownsend”.
“What are you going to tell people at school tomorrow?”
“Do you think I should say anything?”
“I think you should be able to but… people can be weird. Other students but probably even some teachers. Thing is, you haven’t shown any interest in anyone. What is there to really tell? Everyone doesn’t need to know everything that’s happened in your life. Plus, it’s not like you’re coming out as anything. Or are you?”
“I wouldn’t even know what I’d be coming out as. I liked Nate and I like girls. What does that mean?”
“Exactly. Nothing to tell.”
They played CoD on Troy’s PS5 for awhile. Then they talked more. Finally, Troy threw Jay a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in. Then they got ready for bed.
“Do you have a pillow and some blankets for the couch?”
“I forgot to ask Mom about that and she’s probably in bed. Let me see if she left anything for you.”
They went downstairs and saw that Troy’s mother had thought about it and left what he’d need for the night.
“Thanks for having me over,” Jay said.
“Anytime you need to get away I’m here.”
School was better. It had been a long time since he felt like he had a good friend. It wasn’t that people were unwilling. He just wasn’t able to open up. Letting Troy in was one of the better things he’d ever done. Troy didn’t judge him and there wasn’t any sense of attraction between them. It wasn’t that Troy wasn’t attractive, or have a great personality, but he wasn’t Nate.
It was not a bad day at all. He was a little more like his old self. The posts from the night before had been well-received. A lot of people thought they were seeing the beginnings of the old Jay coming back. He hoped so. A year of depression was bad. Just one more hurdle to get over, assuming that were even possible.
After practice, Jay saw the car and walked over. Jay got in.
“Hey, Dad,” Jay said. “Thanks for coming.”
“I was thinking we could go to the diner,” he said. “You could have one of those double bacon cheeseburgers with the curly fries. Maybe a milkshake if you want.”
“You’re just spoiling me lately.”
“Sometimes we need comfort, be it from people or food. You get a little bit of both tonight.”
They sat down at the diner. Jay ordered a bacon double cheeseburger with curly fries along with a root beer float. His father got a regular sized burger with sweet potato fries, and a seltzer.
“Talk to me, Jay,” said his father. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“She hurt my feelings.” Jay’s tone alone was proof of that. “I mean, she basically told me, to my face, that she needed a therapist to tell her if I was good enough to be her son.”
“That’s not what she meant. She had been hoping to talk to you last night. She’s feeling hurt herself.”
Jay shrugged. “Good. It’s her own fault.”
“Jay…”
“Why would she ever need to think about anything? I’ve always been a good kid, always did my chores without being asked. I kept my grades up. I never talked back. I never did anything wrong. The worst I did was be depressed for a year and got penalized for it. She never let up. Then when I finally did open up this is what she did. How can I forgive that?”
Jay’s father was silent, taking it in. “Do you want to forgive her?”
“I don’t know. I’m still too hurt. I felt good when I told you. I felt good when I told Troy. I felt like something was wrong with me when I told Mom. What did I do to deserve that?”
He clasped Jay’s hands across the table. “You didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you. But your mother is human and humans don’t always do the right thing.”
“A freaking year of telling me to tell her what I was feeling. Constantly nagging to the point where sometimes I wanted to just run away. Then I tell her.”
“It’s going to be okay, Jay. We’ll get through this.”
Dinner was okay. They switched topics to sports, something easy and neutral. Jay also confessed an attraction he was having.
“Her name is Nell,” Jay said. “I kind of knew her at school but not well. Then I saw that she was following me in Instagram. She liked a ton of my posts. She made comments on the more recent ones. In school she smiled at me and we started chatting. Nothing major but, I don’t know, maybe I could think about dating again.”
“Do whatever you want. I’m not trying to categorize you but don’t feel pressure to date. If you’re not interested in girls that’s okay.”
“I am interested in girls. I haven’t really paid attention to guys. Nate was different. There’s a term called pansexual. It means you’re attracted to the person for who they are instead of their gender. Does that make sense?”
“I don’t understand a lot of the sexual and gender identities that exist today but I’m open minded.”
“That’s more of a weight off my shoulders. Just saying that feels right.”
“We do have to go home you realize?”
“I don’t want to talk to her,” Jay said, the frustration in his voice. “I won’t ignore her but that doesn’t mean I have to talk.”
“Maybe listening is what you need to do. She might have something to say that you need to hear.”
Jay sighed but nodded his head.
When they got home, Jay saw his mother on the couch.
“Hi, Mom.”
Her face lit up. Then he walked up the steps and to his bedroom. He was wearing some of Troy’s clothes. They were going to have to be washed and returned to him. He wondered if he should keep a spare set of clothes in his duffle bag in case he did need to unexpectedly stay somewhere else at night.
He was in the middle of changing clothes when the door knob rattled. There was only one person who ever tried to come into the room without first knocking.
“Give me a minute,” he said sharply.
Once he was changed he unlocked the door and pulled it open.
“Why can’t you just respect my privacy and knock?”
“I’m sorry, Jay.”
“Sure, sorry.”
“I think we need to talk.”
Jay went over to his bed and sat in it. His mother was going to join him so he made sure he took up enough space where she couldn’t easily fit. Instead, she took his desk chair and placed it next to the bed to sit.
“Jay, I’m sorry for what I said,” she began. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about your feelings or you. I needed help coming to terms with not having grandchildren.”
“What are you talking about? I’m seventeen.”
“In the future. I thought you’d meet a nice girl and start a family with her. It’s been hard to accept but I’m trying to.”
Jay’s face was turning red and he was trying hard not to explode. “Did you listen to anything I said that other night? Anything at all? Or was it just one thing you heard?”
“You said you were attracted to men.”
“I. Hate. You. Go away.”
“Jayson, what is going on? When you bring a boy home—“
“Go. Away. You don’t know me. I don’t even think you want to.”
“Jayson!”
“You know what? You stay here. I’ll leave.”
Jay grabbed his shoes and a jacket. Then he was downstairs and out the door. He even ignored his father. He was a block away before he put on his shoes.
His phone was buzzing. It was his mother. Not a chance he was answering her. He blocked her number so he didn’t have to see her calls or get her text messages.
He didn’t want to answer when his father called but also didn’t want to shut him out. He was always there for him.
“Hi, Dad.”
“What happened, Jay?”
“She didn’t hear me the other night,” Jay responded. “When I told her I had feelings for Nate all she heard was that I’d come out as a gay. I told her I didn’t say that but she ignored it. She had this delusion that she’d accept it and would be fine when I brought a guy home. She didn’t hear anything I said.”
Jay’s dad sighed. “Where are you going tonight?”
“I don’t know. It would be too much to stay at Troy’s again. And did you know she tried to come into my room without knocking again? I can’t be there.”
“Stay where you are. I’ll come pick you up and we’ll decide what to do from there.”
“Fine.”
Jay hung up the phone and sent a location ping to his father. In just a couple of minutes he drove up next to Jay. He got in the car.
“I’m sorry this isn’t easy for you, Jay. Where do you want to go?”
Jay shrugged. “If Nate was around I’d just climb into his window. But he’s not.”
“Then where do you want to go? I can get you into the house and your room. She wouldn’t bother you.”
“I don’t trust her.”
His father sat in the car seat, tapping his fingers on the wheel, thinking. “What about a motel room for the night? I’ll check you in, get some clothes for you, and bring them back.”
“You’d do that?”
“What else can I do? I can’t physically make you stay there and I’m not going to have you wandering the streets at night. At least at the motel you’ll be reasonably safe.”
Jay looked down at the floor of the car. “I’m sorry I’m so difficult, Dad.”
“I told you that you’re the most important person in my life. If this is what we have to do for now then it’s what we’ll do. In the meantime I’ll try to explain things to her. Maybe she’ll need help figuring out how to apologize to you.”
“She’s sorry she didn’t understand. She’s sorry she tried to come into my room without knocking. She’s sorry sorry sorry and does the same things over and over.”
“Like I said, she’ll need help.”
“Okay. Let’s just go.”
Jay didn’t like where he was but also couldn’t be home. At least the prior night he was at Troy’s. Tonight he was alone. He took a selfie outside of the motel that said “check out my new digs” and posted it to his Instagram account.
There was a flurry of activity. Troy DM’d him and he told him he was okay and, no, he didn’t need to stay over again. Nell also commented, asking if he’d like some company. He told her yes, if she wouldn’t get in trouble.
While he was waiting, the motel phone rang. He was hesitant to pick it up but maybe the motel clerk had something to tell him.
“Hello,” he said into the phone.
“Jayson, I just want—“
He hung up the phone and disconnected the telephone line so that no one could call again. If she even dared to come here he was done with her forever.
His mood was sour when there was a knock on the door. He thought it might have been her but then saw Nell through the peep hole. He opened the door and smiled.
“Come on in!”
Nell have him a hug. “Did they kick you out?”
“I kicked myself out. I’ve been having a fight with my mother for days. Everytime she talks to me it just gets worse. I kind of feel bad for my dad because he’s stuck in the middle. He wants me home but said if I won’t stay there he’d get me this room for the night.”
Nell grabbed his hand and led him over the the bed. She lay down on it and patted for him to lay next to her.
“What are you fighting about?”
Jay wasn’t surprised she’d ask him but it didn’t make him any less comfortable.
“I’m pan. I think. For some reason she thinks I’m gay and she won’t have grandchildren.”
“Are there guys you’re interested in?”
“There was but not now. Right now I’m attracted to a woman.”
“And who is that?” There was a smirk in her fade.
He rolled on his side to face her. “You.” Then he gave her a light kiss on the lips. He didn’t want to come off as aggressive.
She leaned over to Jay and started kissing him more deeply. He soon had his hand up the back of her shirt, trying to undo the bra strap but with little success. Finally, Nell pulled over her shirt and undid the bra herself.
It had been a while since he’d been with a girl. He massaged her breasts, enjoying the feel of them in his hands. The he put his lips to one of her nipples and began sucking on it. It elicited some moans from her. Then he was back to her mouth but a hand was sliding down to undo the top button of her pants.
“Hold on,” Nell said. “I’m not on the pill and I doubt you’ve got condoms on you.”
“I know. I wasn’t going to do that. Maybe my dick can’t go there but it doesn’t mean by tongue can’t.”
She laughed. “I can live with that.”
Jay soon had both of them undressed. He went to work with his tongue, also playing with himself as he did so. She was moaning, which he took to mean that he was doing a good job. He stopped and moved back to her lips but kept a couple of fingers inside.
Nell reached down to Jay’s cock. It was more difficult to reach due to him being quite a bit taller. He had to stop kissing her to allow it, at which point she decided she would do more. She hadn’t been on him for more than a minute when there was a banging on the door.
Jay shot up and looked through the peep hole. It was his mother.
“Go away. You’re not welcome here.”
“I’m your mother!”
“You’re just an egg donor.”
The pounding stopped. He could see through the hole that she looked incredibly sad. He’d hurt her with those words more than anything else he’d said to her. He was beginning to feel guilt but not enough to open the door to her.
“Are you okay,” Nell asked. She had started putting on her clothes.
Jay sighed. “Yeah.”
“I should probably go. I didn’t mean for things to go this far. It’s not what I came for.”
“I know. I’m sorry I pushed it.”
When she was dressed she kissed him. There was some passion to it, so Jay knew there was still interest. After she was gone he was left with a problem that he had to take care of on his own.
Jay didn’t check out of the motel the next day. He went to school and to practice. He wondered what was going to happen afterward. It was a night where he father worked late. No one was waiting for him. He opened up the Uber app that he had in case of emergencies and used it to go back to the motel.
With little else to do, he walked to a nearby diner. It wasn’t the nice one he’d gone to with his father but he didn’t have a lot of cash to spend. He did have a bank card but didn’t really want to use that if it could be avoided.
He took a selfie at the diner. “Not so lean cuisine.” There was some activity. Nell told him she hoped he’d be home soon. Troy offered to come for a visit. Jay was feeling lonely so he told him to come.
When there was a knock on the door he didn’t even bother to check the peephole. He was pretty sure his mother wouldn’t come back and his father would have called first. Except he didn’t call at all.
“Are you doing okay, Jay,” Troy asked.
“I think I hurt my mom pretty bad.”
“What did you do?”
“I told her she wasn’t my mother and that she was just an egg donor. Haven’t heard from my dad, either, so maybe I upset him, too.”
“Maybe he’s just giving you space.”
“Maybe,” Jay said. He didn’t sound convinced.
“What are you going to do?”
“I need some clothes. I didn’t really think I was going to be here for more than one night.”
“I can drive you over there if you want.”
Jay thought about it. If he went he might see her. He’d have to look at her pain and wasn’t sure he was up for it.
“Yeah, okay.”
The door was locked but the lights were on. When he unlocked the door and came inside there was no one in the living room. They would usually be watching their evening programs. With me. They’d usually be watching them with me, as a family.
He quietly went up the stairs. When he past the door to his parents‘s bedroom he could here sniffling and the sounds of his father trying to console her.
Despite how he was feeling, he went past and into his room. He grabbed some underwear, socks, shirts, and another pair of pants. Then he quietly walked back downstairs.
Before leaving, he found a notepad and pen. He wrote “I’m sorry” and then left. It was all he could manage right now.
Troy didn’t stay long. He thought about watching the shows he’d watch if he were at home but couldn’t bring himself to do so. He posted a couple of shots on Instagram but nothing special. Mostly he just stared at the ceiling. It wasn’t much different than what he’d been doing for the past year.
Finally, it was too much to deal with. He went for a walk, feeling suffocated in that small room for such a long time. He walked for miles, with no direction in mind, occasionally posting a new photo when he got anywhere that seemed moderately interesting. By the time he got back it was after eleven. He took a quick shower, brushed his teeth, and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
People were perplexed regarding his posts. They seemed to be all over the place. Some were depressing, others happy, but more flat, neutral, and not of the type to attract attention.
School was just another day. He was listless. He didn’t pay attention in class. There was a game that night but he didn’t go to it. He just skipped without a word to anyone.
When he left school he didn’t call for an Uber. He just wanted to walk, and was aimless about it. Then he just wanted to be alone. He shut off his phone and threw it into a bush. He might or might not reclaim it. He wasn’t sure. He did know that with the phone he could always be tracked but now no one could find him.
Eventually, he wandered back to the motel. It was ten o’clock. He still didn’t have his phone and at this point didn’t care. When he opened the door to the room he saw he father pacing in the room. A look of relief overcame him and he pulled Jay into a hug.
“We were worried about you,” he said. “You missed the game. We tracked your phone to the park but couldn’t find it. I was out of my mind thinking you were dead.”
“I’m sorry, Dad,” Jay said quietly. “I needed to think and I didn’t want to be found. I actually didn’t think anyone would come looking anyway.”
“Why would you think that? I always knew where you were. That’s why the location settings have always been on.”
Jay nodded his head but didn’t respond. He just lay down flat on the bed, arms splayed outward and legs hanging over the edge.
“I don’t know how to help you, Jay. I’m at a loss. I thought a day or two here would help but it’s only gotten worse. If you did this today what was next?”
“I don’t know.”
“Let’s get your things packed up. We’re checking out. Then we’re going to get your phone if you can remember where you left it.”
Jay didn’t argue. He actually didn’t even care one way or the other. What was the point?
It only took a couple of minutes to find the bush where his phone had been located. It was well enough hidden that no one had found or stolen it. Then he got back in the car for a silent ride home.
When he walked inside, his mother was nervously sitting on the couch. His father had called her, of course, but that wasn’t the same as seeing him. He stared at her blankly but didn’t pull away when she hugged him. After she let go he walked away, up the steps, and into his bedroom. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, and went to bed. He didn’t lock the door but no one bothered him.
In the morning, Jay checked the time on his phone. It was nine thirty. That meant he was late for school. He wondered why no one had come in to wake him.
There was a missed call from Coach and messages from Nell, Troy, and a few others. He gave some brief replies to his friends but couldn’t be bothered with Coach.
He lay in bed for probably two hours before hunger got the better of him. He used the bathroom and then went downstairs to the kitchen. His mother was on the couch. She looked nervous when he passed her. He gave a slight nod before going into the kitchen. He had cereal, an orange, and juice for breakfast. Then he cleaned up after himself.
When Jay walked into the room he saw that his mother hadn’t moved. He sat down on a chair that faced the couch. He wasn’t sure he was ready to talk but maybe he’d listen to that she had to say.
“Your father explained some things to me,” she finally said. “He told me how I hadn’t been listening to you, instead deciding for myself how you felt. And even if it had been correct I still didn’t react to it well.”
Jay looked at her but he didn’t seem happy.
“It really hit home when I came to the motel. What you said to me.” She choked a bit. “I knew if you said something like that you had to have been hurting more than I knew. I didn’t leave right away and I saw that girl coming out of the room. Were you… with her?”
Jay shrugged. “We were doing stuff when you came to the door. Then she decided she should leave so thanks for that.”
“That I won’t apologize for. It would have made no difference if I’d interrupted you in your bedroom.”
“You don’t knock anyway so it doesn’t make a difference.”
“I’m sorry that I’m human and I can’t be the perfect mother. I wish I knew how. You’ve always been closer to your father than to me. I hadn’t noticed just how much until the last year. He knew how to handle you when I didn’t.”
“He didn’t handle me. He just let me be unless I wanted to say or do something.”
She nodded.
“Jayson — Jay… I love you no matter what. Even when you say things to hurt me I still love you. Nothing will ever change that. But tonight I realized just how close we came to losing you. You disappeared. No one knew where you were, not even your friends. Even after you went back to the motel we realized that the next step might have been to… to hurt yourself. Am I wrong?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think that far ahead.” He looked out the window at the noon sun. “I thought that maybe Dad was mad at me and that’s why he never called.”
“Your father thought you needed space. If we’d realized what you were going through we would have done things very differently.”
“What would you have done?”
She didn’t immediately speak. “We thought about sending you to a hospital.”
Jay stood up. He wondered if this was a trap, if they’d let him sleep in because they were going to lock him up. But his mother didn’t move.
“We thought your depression passed but instead it was right there under the surface, waiting for a reason to show up again.”
“Are you… are you sending me to a hospital?”
She shook her head. “We’re sending you for an evaluation but not to place you in a hospital. We want to find out what we can do to help. Lord knows I haven’t been helpful. Your father told me all of the ways I’ve been hurting you all along.”
“You were trying.”
“I think I was trying more for me than for you.”
Jay whipped his head from the window to his mother. “What do you mean?”
“I was trying to cope instead of helping you, or at least that’s what I think I was doing. Now I know that what’s going on with you is too big to be something platitudes could handle.”
“I missed the game. Coach called.”
“Don’t worry about Coach Morgenstern. Your father and I don’t think your heart’s been in the game since you lost Nate.”
Jay sat silently. He couldn’t deny it. A lot of things were less interesting without Nate. Troy was good to have as a friend. He was pretty sure Nell had been scared off, even if she hadn’t yet said so. He didn’t even know what he was going to do.
They sat in silence for a while. Jay’s mother had come to realize that if he didn’t want to talk that she couldn’t force him. That was why she’d waited for him.
“I don’t think Nell wants to be with me anymore,” Jay said. “Things got… well, stuff happened… I’m not sure what would have happened if you hadn’t shown up. When I disappeared there was like one text from her and about five from Troy. I’m lucky to have a friend like him. I should have called him. He would have come right over.”
“Is Troy…” she let the unspoken words hang there.
“No. He wouldn’t be interested even if I were. He’s just a good friend. I’m allowed to have them right?”
“Right. If you need to talk to him go ahead. I’ll be here waiting.”
Jay went upstairs to his room. He got out his phone. He was going to either use Instagram or WhatsApp but thought better of it. Instead he opened up TikTok.
“Hey all. I’ve missed you. I spent a year pretty much shutting everyone out. I know I went to parties but I wasn’t really there. I know I messed around with girls but I was being a tease. I didn’t really want to do anything but I felt bad about outright rejecting anyone. I don’t know, maybe that was worse. If I hurt your feelings I’m really sorry.”
Jay went silent. There was a lot more to say and he wasn’t sure he wanted to say it. But he thought he had to. Some people were going to be assholes about it but he couldn’t do anything about it.
“Everyone knows how close I was to Nate. What you didn’t know was that, for me, it was more than just best friends. I wanted more from him. More than he could give. Only it didn’t matter to him. He said he didn’t care and that we’d be best friends no matter what. And then he was gone.
“I didn’t know how to handle it. People understood why I was so upset but no one could figure out why it went on for so long. A few days ago I told my dad. He just hugged me, told me he loved me, and wished I hadn’t had to hold it all in for so long. Then I told my mother the next day. Her reaction was… different. I was still dealing with my own emotions and I didn’t have any room for hers. I shut her out, told her I hated her, and refused to have anything to do with her. I said something worse because I wanted to hurt her. And I did. I’m not gonna say it here because I don’t want anyone to think it’s acceptable.
“She came to pick me up from practice one night but instead of going with her I asked Troy if I could go to his house. His parents were cool with it and his mom put out a blanket and pillow for me on the couch. I don’t know how well I slept. I do know I owe Troy his clothes back as soon as they’re washed.
“The next night my mother said the wrong thing again, at least the way I saw it. I ran away. My dad didn’t know what to do with me so he let me stay in a motel room. Don’t freak. I was okay. Kind of. I had a friend visit and we just hung out and talked. Then I had someone else come. I just want to say to that person that I wasn’t using them as a substitute or to make me feel better. I wanted them there but I think I scared them off. While we together my mother showed up and that’s when I hurt her feelings.
“The next day after practice, no one was there to pick me up. I knew I could have taken an Uber but I wasn’t in the mood to go back to that small empty room. My dad didn’t call be anyway so I thought he was mad at me. So I turned off my phone and tossed it in a bush in the park. Then no one could track me.
“I left school at 2:30. Missed the game. I got back to the motel after eleven. That was over eight hours when no one knew where I was and had no way to find me. I scared the shit out of my parents. It turned out Dad was giving me space but used the tracker app to see where I was. He tracked my phone to the park but I think he thought I might have been killed or kidnapped with my phone left behind. He didn’t yell at me. He just hugged me. Then he checked me out, we got my phone, and went home.
“When I turned on my phone I saw messages. For the person who sent me multiple messages it means more to me than you’ll ever know. I don’t know if I deserve a friend like that who worries for me when I go off the grid. But I’ll make sure he knows. He won’t ever be Nate. No one can replace him. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have room for other friends. Other good friends who can be there for me and I hope I can be there for them. So thank you.
“This morning I woke up at 9:30. I forgot to set my alarm last night but was surprised that no one woke me up. My mom was downstairs but I ignored her to eat breakfast. Then I went into the living room and sat in a chair to wait for her to say whatever she needed to say.
“She talked about how she wasn’t perfect and that she didn’t know how to handle me. That her therapy was focused on helping her cope with me and didn’t really give her the tools to reach me. Or, you know, let me be until I was ready to talk. My dad was good at that. When I was quiet he was quiet. When we talked it was about sports or girls or some stupid show we’d just watched. He just kept it light. That’s why when we were alone one night I finally told him. Then I figured out that I’m probably, I don’t know, pan maybe. Not sure but it makes sense. I had this deep connection with Nate so it made sense.
“My mom told me they thought about putting me in a hospital because I was a lot more depressed than they’d realized. They decided not to do that but I am going to go to psychiatrist or therapist or something. What’s important though is that she loves me and wants to do whatever it takes to show her support.
“I guess that point here is that I suffered for a long time when maybe I didn’t have to. If you’re suffering you don’t have to do it alone. If you need to talk to me, send me a DM here or on one of my other socials. I’d be happy to talk. We might just have a lot in common. Or maybe just this but that might be enough. Might be good for both of us. Just, like I said, don’t do this alone.
“I don’t know how it’s going to work out for me. I’m sure I’ll get put on some kind of medication but I guess we’ll see. I’ll keep you posted. See you soon.”
That felt good. Putting it all out there felt really good. It was only ten forty-five so people were in classes. Not too many people would see it yet but admittedly the wait was killing him. Then messages started to appear.
“We love you, Jay. Get better soon.”
“I get it. I’ll DM you.”
“It’s really brave if you go do this.”
“I always knew you were a fag. Confirmed.”
“He’s an asshole. Forget about him.”
“I’m glad I could be there when you needed a friend. Call me later okay? I’m going to skip practice.”
“Keep us posted for whenever you find the right girl, guy, or them.”
And they went on. Some were hurtful but the vast majority were positive. It felt so good to see the love and support he was receiving and not just from people he knew or went to school with but also complete strangers. Tagging “depression” meant he popped up on some feeds. The more likes and comments the more he showed up to people logging in.
After a while he put away his phone. He could spend the whole day distracted by messages. He could check them out later.
Jay was surprised when he heard a knock on the door. It was open but his father was standing there, waiting for permission.
“Knock knock,” he said.
Jay smiled. “Come in, Dad.”
“How are you feeling today? If you’re not sure that’s okay.”
“I don’t know. I listened to Mom. Talked to her a little.”
“How did that go?”
“You already know.”
“I know what she said. How do you feel about it?”
“I don’t know, I just, I mean I know she loves me and that she wanted to help me. Wants to help me. I guess I forgive her but it still hurts.”
Jay’s father walked over to the bed and sat down. Jay sat up and gave us father a hug.
“Thank you so much, Dad. I think if you hadn’t showed up that you were right. I probably would have done something worse.”
His father continued to hold him. “That’s my job, kiddo, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Is it okay if I come in,” he heard his mother ask from the doorway.
“Yeah.”
She walked over and sat in the other side of Jay. She hugged him tightly. “I love you so much, Jay. I hope you stick around because there’s a whole big world out there waiting for you.”
Jay nodded his head. He felt like, just maybe, he was going to be okay.