Chapter Text
Kim Soleum always wondered why his school decided to do things like this. First it was making them participate in online math competitions, next it was having them do service work like visiting to elders’ home, then it was getting them to paint murals— honestly he wondered if the administration was just hoping one of them would show special talent and take off, spreading the school’s name.
Soleum sighed at even the thought of it. Recognition would only do the school well in theory, but really, it was highly unlikely that anything would come out of having a prodigy student all the way out in the middle of nowhere. If anything, the school and town would be pasted briefly onto their wiki when they got famous, but that was it.
Even adults can be desperate, he concluded.
A paper got place on his desk by the class president.
”Alright, everyone. Fill out these forms as accurately as you can. Be truthful because this is what will get you paired with your pen pal!”
Grumbles spread throughout the room as kids begrudgingly started writing down their names and birthdays. No one wanted to do this. Midterms had just come to an end and the idea of, as a third year, having to spend their last weeks before the CSAT pandering to the teachers’ random quests and some other kid’s questions wasn’t appealing to any of them. Soleum had already finished all of his college applications, however he was sure that for the kids who were lagging behind, this idea was even worse.
Soleum just wanted to nap through homeroom. Perhaps this was his punishment for such rebellious thoughts.
He skimmed over the paper and started filling it out with his almost-dried up pen.
[ My name is: Kim Soleum
My birthday is: September 13
My favorite class is: Mathematics
My favorite activity is: Reading
My favorite food is: Fruits, especially cold
My family has: Me, my dad, my mom. I’ve also got a pet rabbit named Brown.
A fun fact about me is: ]
Kim Soleum furrowed his brows. There wasn’t anything particularly fun about him. There were facts though. Perhaps that would be enough.
[ A fun fact about me is: I’m on my school’s track team. ]
Under that was another section to write questions for their future pen pals. Soleum wanted to laugh; how was he supposed to ask questions to someone who’s name he didn’t even know yet?
He decided to keep it generic, similar to the information he had had to fill out himself.
[ Questions for you:
What do you do in your free time?
Are you an early bird or a night owl?
Have you ever traveled? If so, where?
If you have siblings, do you get along with them? ]
He scratched at a pimple on his forehead with the butt of his pen. That was probably good enough.
He glanced around the classroom. Desk mates were showing each other their papers and some kids had even gotten up to look over their friends’ shoulders and laugh at their answers.
“How’s your girlfriend a fun fact?”
“Hey, stop lyin’, ya don’t like any of your classes.”
“Why’re you askin’ about their grades? You trying to scare ‘em off?”
Soleum didn’t have a desk mate. They had an uneven number of kids in their class, and being the quiet one, no one even thought of sitting next to him over someone who they’d at least talked to before. It didn’t bother him. It meant no one was there to snitch on him when he read during class or wrote on his hand before a test.
Getting up, he handed his paper to the teacher at the front of the class and then sat back down at his desk in the back.
Finally, he could nap.
𓂃.ᐟ
Baek Saheon wrapped his jacket tighter around him. The autumn air was dry and chilly, causing his nose to become stuffed but not runny. Saheon disliked everything about the cold. It had apparently also made his teacher go crazy.
According to his teacher a couple days ago, now that testing was over, they as third years had too much free time to goof off and so she had decided they should all join a pen pal project that was going on between twenty or so high schools in South Korea.
Saheon didn’t have anything against the idea of pen pals but not only did he not want to spend his time hand writing every day, but he also wasn’t a huge fan of strangers. What if he got someone weird or pretentious or just plain boring? He doubted his teacher would let him drop out after just writing one letter.
He sighed and could see his breath in the air. He really disliked the cold.
—-
Everyone was busting about, excitement radiating off of every student as homeroom came around. Today was the day they were getting their first letter— their pen pal assignments.
Saheon huffed. If anything, maybe he’d at least get a cute girl or something.
“Hey, Baek Saheon!” His desk mate nudged him with his elbow. “You excited?”
Saheon shrugged, plastering a smile on his face. “I guess. But don’t you think you’re too excited? You should be more worried that your partner might see their paper and beg to be switched.”
His desk mate laughed loudly slapping Saheon on the back. Ugh .
”As if, I have an irresistible face.”
”Uh-huh. If that’s what you're telling yourself….”
”Woah, everyone watch out! Saheon-ie woke up on the wrong side of the bed today!”
Someone joined into their conversation from behind them and everyone started yelling and laughing.
Saheon just sat there, smiling along. He really hated it here.
”Alright, alright, everyone setting down!” Their teacher called out as she entered the classroom with a stack of papers in her hand. Everyone instantly knew what they were and quieted down, heading back to their own seats.
“All of the pen pal letters have arrived as of today so come collect your letter when I call your name. Today I’ll also give you a format for a response letter that the project provides, but after this you have to do at least two more by yourself, alright kids?”
“Yes, teacher!”
Saheon sighed internally. Two more after this? How annoying.
“Baek Saheon!”
He got up and collected his letter and response paper. His desk mate immediately leaned over his shoulder to watch him open the letter.
“Who’d you get? Who’d you get?”
”I don’t know yet, go get your own.” He playfully pushed his desk mate away with a smile.
When his desk mate was called up to collect his own, Saheon finally ripped the letter open and pulled out the paper and yearbook photo.
Ah, it’s a guy. Oh, well.
The photo that was placed in with the introduction paper slipped out onto his desk lightly. The boy had dark hair and sharp eyes lined with obvious eye bags. He was quite pale too while made them stand out more.
Saheon gave a quiet scoff. If he looked like that, his sister wouldn’t let him take a single step outside the house before she’d covered the circles in concealer.
He placed the photo to the side so that his desk mate could look at it and then unfolded the introduction paper.
Neat, blue handwriting filled the page, fading in and out of existence as the pen struggled to keep producing ink. Due to this, half of the syllables were pressed deep into the paper as it took multiple strokes to produce each letters.
It made Saheon’s eye twitch. Just get a new pen… Kim Soleum.
Soleum? There was no way that was this guy’s name.
But sure enough, even when he squinted or held the paper up to the light, no magic transformation happened and the name remained the same.
Soleum… damn, was a weird name.
He’d definitely gotten a weirdo.
He then skimmed the rest of the information. He actually seemed normal but Saheon was nothing if not someone who let himself be prejudice so his opinion did not change.
He’d be sure to tell the boy that in his response letter.
𓂃.ᐟ
Baek Saheon. He seemed like a nice guy from what Soleum had read. He was nice to look at too, with a pretty face and curly hair. Not that that meant anything.
The only problem seemed to be that the two of them had nothing in common. Baek Saheon liked science class, fried foods, playing video games, and was a younger brother. Soleum had wondered if the two of them would have enough to talk about over two more letters.
Thankfully, Baek Saheon made it even harder.
Soleum’s face almost went red reading the response letter he got that Monday morning in class and his mouth was definitely hanging open.
[ Dear Kim Soleum,
My answers: In my free time I play games at home or I play soccer with my classmates. I’m an early riser because I go to sleep early. (You should try it. Getting sleep, I mean. Maybe it would get rid of the circles under your eyes.) I’m never traveled, my village is very closed off, but I hope to leave one day. My sister and I get along fine.
My questions: Have you ever thought of changing your name? Are pens out of stock where you live? Do you reread your writing? It’s “My dad, my mom, and I.” I thought you liked reading but maybe you don’t actually absorb the contents that you read :(
Sincerely,
Baek Saheon ]
He was genuinely in shock. How could someone have the audacity to write that to someone they didn’t even know? Didn’t their teacher read the letter before sending it? Perhaps not.
He groaned. He wanted to slam his head against his desk. How was he supposed to respond to this? He couldn’t even just pretend to write and send a blank piece because his teacher did read their letters.
Pulling out his pen, he purposefully grabbed the dried out one even though he had actually brought his new pen that day. He then started writing angrily. Well, not too angrily, he didn’t actually want this guy to hate him, even though they’d never met and would never meet in the future.
[ To Baek Saheon,
Wow, that’s all super interesting! We’re the same in the sense that we’re from small towns, though I have traveled around the south a bit when I was younger. To answer your questions:
- I’m naturally a night owl so I can’t just go to sleep earlier.
- I know my name is strange but I think it’s unique and I don’t plan on changing it.
- I do have other pens. I’m just using this one especially for you!
- I mostly read horror novels not literature classics and I don’t write myself so I don’t really think that has anything to do with my own ability, you know?
Maybe you should be nicer ]
He quickly scribbled over that. Too provocative.
[ Maybe you should be nicer I play soccer too but only in sports class. I get put in midfield because I’m good at running.
You said your village is closed off? Does that mean you’ve never met anyone from outside your village? What’s that like?
Have you ever had any pets? You didn’t ask but ]
Nope, be nicer, Soleum.
[ Have you ever had any pets? You didn’t ask but Brown is actually my neighbor’s rabbits’ kid so I got to take him.
Do you know how to drive? You should learn if you want to move out one day.
From, Kim Soleum. ]
Soleum reread his letter — begrudgingly — and then folded it, placing it into the school provided envelope and giving it to the teacher to read and seal. If he questioned the tone in which Soleum wrote, he would simply show his teacher the letter Baek Saheon had written.
Feeling proud of his slightly passive aggressive letter, he sat back down and placed his jacket over his head. Why did he need to go to bed earlier anyway if he could just sleep in class?
𓂃.ᐟ
Saheon laughed out loud.
Holy shit, this guy really was weird. He was a total pushover, too. Who wouldn’t demand a change of partner after getting a letter like that? Not that Saheon wanted that, but still… it would be fun to see how much this guy could take.
[ I’m just using this one especially for you! ]
That stupid exclamation point pissed him off though. A pushover and a sarcastic bitch. Great. And the ink… it was practically unreadable.
Today, they were asked to send a small gift as well. Most people brought stickers, pins, erasers, and so on, and Saheon was no different. Placing the new pen in the envelope, he smirked as he wrote his letter.
[ Dear Kim Soleum,
Use this pen next time or I won’t read your letter. In that same vein, you should write a draft first since you seem to scratch a lot out, it’s unappealing to look at.
It doesn’t matter what you read, you should still be improving your own writing ability, so, yeah, it is still on you :(
You don’t seem like you’re read horror. You seem like a scaredy-cat.
Is running all you’re good at? You mentioned it again even without me asking? And is your rabbit your only friend? Though, again, didn’t ask.
I’ll learn how to drive, but there isn’t much of a point in learning here, obviously.
Have you tried wearing glasses? It might cover your eye bags.
Do you live near the mountains or the sea? I live in the middle of a forest in the mountains. Also, we’re not closed off completely, there’s just no point of coming here. We get tourists during the anual Chuseok festival, but that’s it.
I don’t have any other questions but you seem like to make up your own to answer anyway so… good luck!
Sincerely,
Baek Saheon ]
He grinned. It was strangely satisfying to be able to not have to be nice to this guy. It’s not like they would ever meet so it’s not like it mattered. The worst that could happen is the guy tattled and he had to write a letter of apology. It wouldn’t be the first time and as long as it wasn’t disciplinary action, who cared?
Folding the paper, he slipped it in next to the pen and licked the envelope, sealing it shut.
He was strangely giddy, waiting for the response.
𓂃.ᐟ
Did this guy have no sense of manners or courtesy? Kim Soleum was exhausted just reading the guy’s writing. Everyone around him was smiling and chatting, excited to respond to their pen pals whilst Soleum was stuck with the biggest asshole in probably all of the schools involved combined .
“Unappealin’ to look at? You can burn it for all I care, asshole,” he mumbled to himself as he etched out his reply, again using the fucked up and dying pen.
The only thing keeping him together right now was the fact that after this he only had to read one more letter from the guy. Though, technically, he didn’t even have to read that one, seeing as he wasn’t obligated by his teacher to respond to it. Because this would be his third letter, he would have completed the required amount by the project and wouldn’t have to respond to Baek Saheon’s next and admittedly also final letter. So, he would not be reading it, thank you very much.
[ To Baek Saheon,
Not my fault if you don’t wanna read it you f ]
Okay, he needed to calm down. This guy was obviously messing with him, he wouldn’t fall for it.
[ Not my fault if you don’t wanna read it you f Thank you for the pen. I like to use them until they are completely empty of ink so I’ll be sure to use your gift once this one is done.
I do very well in school and I do have friends. I was just trying to relate to you since it seemed that you were only good at video games :( ]
He was insinuating that Baek Saheon was a unsophisticated here and he smiled to himself knowing that Baek Saheon would read it that way too. He added the little sad face, imitating the way Baek Saheon wrote.
[ I do live near the sea, though not the kind with warm beaches. We have ports here.
As a matter of fact ] —
If he had to ask the teacher whether is was “a matter a fact” or “a matter of fact” it was none of Baek Saheon’s ugly business.
— [ I happen to really like reading horror and creepypastas, it’s my favorite pastime. And as for your suggestion about glasses, why would I wear those if I don’t have bad eyesight? Idiot. ]
He quickly crossed that out. He would probably already get side eyes from the teacher for this, he shouldn’t push his luck.
[ Idiot.
Does your town have any creepy legends surrounding it? We’ve got a lot of mermaid stuff. That’s why I don’t go into the water here.
If you’ve never been to the sea does that mean you can’t swim? Or do you guys have a pool/lake/river?
Also, how do you think you did on your midterms?
From, Kim Soleum. ]
He added the last sentence just to mess with Baek Saheon. Everyone was stressed enough with the upcoming CSAT and, unless you’d given up on taking the test this year, most people probably had put more effort into studying for the test that “really mattered” over the midterms. And with Baek Saheon wanting to leave his town, he’s probably feeling really worried about whether he’ll be able to get away with college as an excuse, so asking about his grades was a great way to piss him off.
For a second, Soleum regretted writing that, but, with conviction hardened by anger, he still placed the paper into the envelope and stormed up to give it to the teacher. It would be fine, he could be mean too. These actions, unlike others, wouldn’t have consequences.
𓂃.ᐟ
Baek Saheon was done with this. Everything sucked. The cold, having to go to school between midterms and the CSAT, and Kim Soleum .
It was crazy how quickly someone he had never met could infiltrate his life. It was probably because when talking to his classmates they always ended up chatting about their pen pals. Everyone else seemed to be doing fine, only he got the fucking weirdo.
“Hey, Saheon, what’s your pen pal like?”
“He’s nice. He’s a bookworm and stuff….”
“Saheon, do you get along with your pen pal?”
“Yeah! We even bicker, haha!”
“I exchanged numbers with my pen pal already, are you going to?”
“Definitely.”
That Kim Soleum was making him lie out of his ass pretty much everyday. Even if it was slightly — mostly — his fault, Kim Soleum should have stopped provoking him!
He was sure that if he was reading Kim Soleum’s letter right now, he would be grinding his teeth and pulling out the most brutal reply. However, he wasn’t reading the letter, nor was he even at school.
Saheon sniffed. His nose was red and scaly from all the rubbing and nose-blowing he’d been doing.
As if the universe hated him, he’d gotten sick the day they were supposed to receive the last letters from their pen pals — not the Saheon was looking forward to that. Actually, if anything, this was the universe doing him a favor.
“Terrible favor,” he mumbled to himself, curling up further into his bed.
He hated getting sick. Not only were all of his senses dulled like an old, overused knife, but he also could barely find it in himself to move, meaning he just laid around in bed, getting nothing done. If there was one thing Saheon hated it was being unproductive.
A knock on his door caused him to peek an eye open, even though it caused a headache to split from the back of his retina.
He mother quietly entered with a tray.
“I’ve brought you some chicken soup and tea.” She placed it on the table by his bed and crouched down next to him, running a seemingly chilled hand through his curls. “How are you feeling, honey?”
He closed his eye again, leaning into the touch. “Terrible.”
She laughed lightly.
“But I’ll be better soon.”
She hummed and gave him a kiss on the forehead before getting up again.
“I know you will. I’ll be at the Lee’s house tonight with your father so if you need more medicine, your sister will make it for you.”
“Alright, thanks.”
When the door closed again, Saheon let out a sigh and buried himself under his covers again.
The broth would just burn his tongue anyway.
𓂃.ᐟ
“Kim Soleum?”
“Yes?” He stopped spacing out as he heard his name called out.
Today was the day he would be receiving Saheon’s last letter. Something burned in him while he thought of throwing it out without even opening it.
He stood up and walked to the front of the class when the teacher waved him up.
“It looks like your pen pal wasn’t at school when they were writing their responses. Since this was the last required writing for the project, you don’t have to sent a response, however the school has sent your partner’s e-mail as that was part of what he was supposed to write down in case you two wanted to continue staying in contact.”
No way.
But he smiled back and took the practically empty envelope from the teacher. “I see, thank you, teacher.”
“Of course, now go back to your seat.”
He gave a small bow and headed back to the back of the class. He would not be contacting that asshole.
“Okay, class. Does anyone think they’ll be staying in contact with their pen pal? You know, articles get written about…”
—-
So why was it that Soleum was sitting at the family computer fingers hovering over the first letters of “[email protected]”.
It was a dumb handle, as dumb as the guy who made it, so why did he want to type it so bad? It’s not like he was worried about him or anything. How could he be? Everyone skips school now and again, and he didn’t even know the guy.
In all likelihood, he probably skipped because he didn’t want to respond to Soleum, which, fair, but something about it all still bugged him.
Soleum groaned and gripped his hair with stressed hands.
He didn’t want to talk to the guy, and Baek Saheon probably didn’t want to talk to him, no matter the reason he wasn’t at school…. He knew why he was doing this, and it wasn’t rational. Last night he’d read a story about a spirit that stole away naughty kids and dragged them into the forest, replacing them with polite and well mannered bugs that would eat the families if they pointed out the switch.
For a story, it was decent, but now that Saheon, an ill-mannered kid who lived in an isolated forest, had suddenly not shown up to school? Soleum sighed, he should really stop reading this stuff.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Pen Pal
Hey, this is Kim Soleum. I was just checking in to see if everything was ok, since you didn’t show up to school and all.
If you’re not dead just respond, or don’t, idk
Bye ]
Nope!
Soleum pushed his chair away from the desk. This was so stupid. Stories were just stories, he was being dramatic.
With another sigh he got up, leaving the e-mail unsent. He had to stop being so superstitious. Everything was fine.
—-
Until it wasn’t. After dinner, was he finished washing the dishes and headed back into his room, he passed the computer and—
“Pa! Did ya send the e-mail I had drafted?”
His father peaked his head around the corner, still drying his hands on a dish towel.
“The one to your friend? Yeah, sorry I had some work to do.”
Soleum now wished it was him who dragged into the forest by an evil spirit because at least then he wouldn’t have to live through the mortifying experience that is Baek Saheon possibly reading that e-mail.
“You coulda just closed it, it woulda saved itself!”
His brows furrowed. “Sorry, kid. Are you alright? It was just to your friend, not a teacher. You can just write ‘em again if you forgot somethin’.”
He took a deep breath. He shouldn’t raise his voice at his father.
“Yeah, yeah, I know, sorry.”
“It’s alright, Soleum. You can have to computer tonight if you need it, though. I’m glad you’re actually chattin’ with someone.”
He grimaced. “It’s okay. This guy isn’t my friend. Ya know the pen pal thing my class was doing?”
“Yeah?”
“He’s just the guy from that. I’m just sending him one last message.”
His father’s smile dimmed a bit. “Ah, well, the offer’s always open. Your mother and I don’t need the computer in the evenings, so just keep that in mind.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
When his father went back to the the kitchen, Soleum’s head fell in defeat. Great, now he didn’t even have the satisfaction of have a good last word. All he could do now is pray that Baek Saheon wouldn’t write him back.
𓂃.ᐟ
A hand on his shoulder softly shook him awake.
He felt hot and heavy. Not wanting to get up and actually live through his sickness, he shoved the hand off of himself.
The hand then proceeded to slap his back. “Hey, get up. Mom made breakfast. And you have a message.”
His sister then left the room, not even bothering to close the door behind her.
“Ugh, fuck….” His head swam as he sat up. He didn’t want to eat but if his mother made it, he should. A message though?
He didn’t have a phone since there was no point in a small village where everyone knew each other so she could only mean on the computer but who would be contacting him on the home computer? His friends would just stop by his house and his teachers would contact his parents….
Crawling out of bed, he threw on a sweater and walked sluggishly to the computer in the living room.
The screen was too bright and gave him a headache as he powered it on, but sure enough, in his inbox was a new message titled “Pen Pal”.
The title itself sent a shiver down his spine. Why was he being bothered about this while he was sick? He didn’t recognize the sender either.
Clicking cautiously, he opened the message only to be shocked by its contents.
Why is Kim Soleum contacting me? That guy should be happy I never sent him another letter.
As he kept reading, his eyes only grew wider.
Was he… worried about me?
That thought in itself was strange and felt out of place. The two of them were not on good terms and barely knew each other.
Maybe if they were classmates or were really ever going to see each other again, reaching out made sense and would be polite, but they weren’t and they most definitely weren’t polite.
The whole thing felt off. He considered the fact that his parents might have made him send it, but the e-mail was too informal and carried an edge of nervousness.
Could he really, like, really, just be worried about me?
Something stirred in him. It made no sense considering their harsh words to each other, and yet…
Saheon’s face was heating up.
What the hell?
Slapping his cheeks, he frowned.
What did it matter? The guy was still a passive aggressive, overly confident loser who he shouldn’t give the time of day to. Even if the other guy had. Even if he’d gone out of his way to ask him if he was okay. Even if he was reaching out to him in hopes of forgetting how they’d first interacting and actually… getting to know each other for real.
Saheon didn’t know what to do.
No, he did. He shouldn’t respond. Kim Soleum had even said it was okay to not respond. But, he was obviously just being polite, as he always was — at least relatively. That meant that he actually wanted a reply.
Fuck, why did he even care what this guy wanted? He’d had no problem writing mean shit to him in their letters, so why…?
Saheon gripped his hair. For some reason, sitting in front of the computer at home was so different than sitting at his desk, chatter and scratching pens surrounding him.
He had to respond.
𓂃.ᐟ
To say Soleum was shocked would be an understatement. To say he was embarrassed would also be an understatement.
Why had this asshole replied to him?!
Soleum groaned. This complicated everything. He hadn’t even checked for a reply so it wasn’t until the weekend when he was checking a receipt for some new web-novel chapters he rented that he even saw the response.
It was simple:
[ I’m not dead. I just got a bit of a fever, probably from the cold. I might still have to write that last letter so you better not have been rude in yours. ]
And then the asshole signed off.
What kind of message was that? And who was he to talk about being rude? It’s not like Soleum said he wanted to get along or anything.
This was stressing him out. He really didn’t want to leave the guy without a proper response but the thought of having to keep chatting back and forth….
It’s fine. He won’t respond again, surely.
Little did Soleum know, Saheon was still sick those two days later and had nothing better to do then send a response to the only other person besides his family who was in contact with him.
The messages they exchanged were short, filled to the brim with insults and backhanded compliments. Soleum didn’t even flinch as he read over them. After two weeks of writing back and forth, Soleum was convinced Baek Saheon was compensating for something by putting him down.
It was easy, in a way. Baek Saheon was harsh to him, and he was harsh back. It made sense and he felt that Baek Saheon felt similarly, as despite the hostile tone, their conversations didn’t dull or awkwardly stutter through out the whole weekend.
His mother asked him if he was chatting with a friend on Sunday evening when he was telling Baek Saheon that he would bet 30,000 won he would beat him in Mathematics on the CSAT. He’d said no, of course.
He didn’t know what it was like to have a friend, but he was sure it wasn’t like this.
𓂃.ᐟ
When Saheon went back to school, finally recovered after a week-long absence, his teacher called him into the office to give him all of the work he’d missed out on.
”Baek Saheon, I forgot, you also have this letter.” She handed him an envelope that was creased down the middle. “It’s from the pen pal project we were involved with, if you remember. We’ve missed the deadline for the third letter so unfortunately we can’t send another, but if you would like to reach out I can get the other student’s contact information for you.”
Saheon delicately took the paper, smiling gently.
”Thank you, teacher, but I think I’m alright.”
He had no reason to tell her they had already sent each other a few messages.
He gave a slight bow and headed back out. Leaving the office, he tucked the envelope into his pocket, slightly crumpling it.
He’d read it later when he was home; there was no rush.
—-
As always, the dork had written a long letter.
Sitting on the couch in the living room with his legs crossed, he skimmed over the contents. Kim Soleum had probably thought that he could write whatever he wanted in this letter since he wouldn’t have to read the response, but now Saheon had the upper hand. He smirked to himself. And then his smirked dropped.
“Only good at video games?! Who does he think he is?”
Saheon hissed at the innocent paper in his hands.
His sister, who was laying on the floor, didn’t even spare him a glance; she was too enthralled by the comic she was reading.
He could let the fact the Kim Soleum didn’t used his good pen to write this go as well as the snarky midterm comment at the end, but suggesting that Saheon was some lazy homebody? That he couldn’t let go, especially since it seemed to be one of the only things Kim Soleum liked to hold above his head.
Saheon stood up, ready to send a vulgar message to the boy and then he was hit with a very well known fact: Soleum had great grades. Apparently — according to his teacher who told him that was why they’d gotten paired together when he’d asked — he was always in the top three of his school which was less impressive than Saheon always being first in his grade, but Saheon’s school was full of idiots while Soleum’s was apparently the most academic in his town.
Sitting back down just as quickly, he groaned.
How was he supposed to prove Kim Soleum wrong when his only academic achievement was beating a bunch of real meatheads?
He melted further into the couch, letting the letter fall from his hand.
Kim Soleum was more athletic than him, too, being on the school track team, so he had him beat two for two.
What bad luck.
Staring at the ceiling, he mused.
What could he do to show up Kim Soleum?
He glanced at the paper on the floor. Then, an idea struck him.
Of course, not only would he show Kim Soleum that he was absolutely amazing at sports, but he would also do a sport that Kim Soleum would never dare try and challenge him at.
Saheon decided right then and there that he would teach himself to swim, one way or another.
Saheon let out a satisfied huff from where he was laid out across the couch. He poked his sister’s shoulder with his foot. “Hey, do you think Dad would let us go to the beach if we asked?”
”No.” She flipped a page. “Why?”
”I just realized, I can’t swim.”
”Do you need to?”
”No… but! I really want to.”
She side-eyed him, flipping another page, unconvinced.
“There’s someone I really don’t like who can and it’s pissing me off… I need to be better than him,” he fibbed. It was only a half-lie, he really just wanted to show Kim Soleum that he could go into the water and be good at it while Kim Soleum couldn’t.
She didn’t dignify him with a response, but he took that as reassurance that if he brought it up to their dad that she would back him.
He would sleep well tonight.
—-
He really didn’t know how it happened. At first he was just bored and feeling a little guilty as he was sitting in his sickness. He didn’t have any real friends and so chatting with Kim Soleum was… well it was fun, if you wanted to pull some sort of confession from him.
At first, it was awkward and he took a sort of sadistic pleasure in watching Kim Soleum try and pen out a people-pleasing slightly-annoyed response to whatever he asked. But then — he wasn’t exactly sure when, if it was a week later, or maybe even a whole month — he found himself telling his classmates he had to go home early instead of playing soccer just so he could get online and talk to Kim Soleum.
Saheon read the e-mails with a sense of tingly curiosity, like he was studying a wild animal.
Nothing about Soleum was normal. He read horror but was scared of everything in reality. He liked hot food in the summer and cold food in the winter. He barley studied but was close to the top of his class, and despite seemingly doing nothing all day, he somehow still didn’t seem to go to sleep in time.
He was an anomaly.
And he wanted to to know everything about him.
𓂃.ᐟ
With the CSAT coming up, Soleum’s parents had been on his ass about studying— even more so than his teachers who saw his past grades and decided he should just keep doing whatever got him those. This meant he either had to actually study in the living room, or head to the local library to pretend to be studying.
What it really meant was that he couldn’t just laze around or use the computer at home to pass the time.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Not scrolling that
Wait, see if you can sign in on the library computers. Who else am I going to play with if you’re offline????? ]
Soleum sighed. Recently Saheon had convinced him to play this online shooter game with him but the whole time Saheon was basically just laughing at him in the chat as Soleum died over and over again. It wasn’t necessarily the peak of fun in his opinion.
He did sign in on the library computer though. Just to tell Saheon how much he didn’t want to do that, of course.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Not scrolling that
I’m not playing that again TT u beat me every time AND I’d rather read.
It’s a library and all.
Bye ]
The response came in minutes, as it usually did on the weekend, though recently it had been a shot in the dark as Saheon was actually serious about studying and had schedules for himself.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Not scrolling that
Nerd. You can read anytime!!!! I have to go back to studying in like thirty minutes after my brain resurrects itself… ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Not scrolling that
You sure ur not just slacking?
It’s mot like there’s that much time before exams yk
Bye ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Not scrolling that
*not
Awww are you worried? LOL it’s all about work-life balance Soleum-ah~~~]
Soleum pretended his ears didn’t heat up as he read the message and begrudgingly opened the game, signing in.
Ever since they’d agreed to speak casually since they were the same age, Saheon had started really treating him like a friend. It wasn’t bad. Something in Soleum actually really liked it, but it scared him.
In truth, things like “Soleum-ah” and “Soleum-ie” were only things his family had ever called him. Again, he didn’t dislike it, but Saheon calling him that, even as a joke… it was so personal.
He tried not to think about how he was so okay with it.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Not scrolling that
Whtvr, not my grades!
Log on.
Bye ]
Saheon was brash, snarky, and never spoke sincerely. He was everything Soleum didn’t like.
And yet, when he gave in, he never regretted it.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Not scrolling that
You’re the best seriously!!!!! ]
—-
Sometimes, when he was laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep, Soleum found himself thinking about Saheon.
It was mostly about things he’d said that day, wonder if he’d responded to harshly or if he’d been too obviously awkward, but there was always something his mind circled back to.
Were they… friends?
It made his brows furrow and his chest ache in a strange way.
He’d like to think they were but Soleum didn’t have friends. He had classmates, and people who were kind to him, and the neighborhood kids he’d grown up with were nice enough, but there wasn’t anyone he’d consider a friend.
He’d never felt bad about it, but something deep inside him wanted Saheon to be the one, the first one.
This is what ran through his mind every night as he tossed and turned. This is what made him rereading everything he wrote before he pressed send, afraid that he was acting like a ‘friend’ before they were ready. This is what he made of that feeling of tightness in his chest and the surges of heat he got whenever Saheon teased him or was on the rare occasion explicitly nice.
He wanted to be his friend, right?
He just wished he knew what that meant.
𓂃.ᐟ
The water was cold as he lowered himself in. It sent shivers up his spine and goosebumps across his skin.
His sister whistled from whoever she was crouched on the side of the waterhole.
“Impressive, I thought for sure you would scream.”
He wanted to hiss at her to shut up but his teeth were chattering way too much and he knew he wouldn’t be able to get the words out in a convincing way so he just glared at her.
Once the water brushed above his waist band, he took a deep breath and fully dunked himself into the water.
The cold engulfed him but within seconds it felt like a second skin. He had never imagined he’d feel this comfortable in water, and yet here he was.
As he breached the surface, gasping for air, his sister furrowed her brows.
“You know, there are easier ways to work out. I’d get this if it was hot out but….”
He just shrugged, pushing his curly hair out of his face. “It’s grown on me.”
“I don’t know, seems like a lot. You really had to push for dad to drive you up here every weekend. You even went and did research to find this place. What’d you say this was for? A guy you hated?”
Saheon’s facd heated up. It sounded ridiculous now, especially when she said it like that.
“It’s not for anyone. Swimmings just more… ugh! I don’t know! Stop bothering me!”
“Hey! I drove you up here you ungrateful—“
The rest of her complaint was drowned out as he plunged back in.
The water made everything quiet and then it filled his ears with the sound of splashing as he breathed ever few strokes. When he was swimming he didn’t have to think, he could just move.
Would Soleum go in the water if it was with him? He’d protect him from mermaids, even if he would tease him about it nonstop.
He grinned to himself as he turned around and started back in the other direction, the waterhole he’d found being only the length of half a pool.
Yeah, that’s be fun, wouldn’t it? If the two of them met up?
Then they’d be able to play games and chat in person. And Soleum would show Saheon all his favorite books and snacks that he would pretend are boring just to see him get annoyed. And he’d get to finally hear what Soleum sounded like. Did he have a soft voice or was it raspy? Was it low or high, and how did it compare to Saheon’s?
Saheon would also be able to—
His head slammed against the rocky side of the waterhole, causing him to immediately straighten.
He rubbed his head snd it hurt, it really did, but…
What was I just thinking?! Did I… just think I wanted to hug Soleum?
“Hey! Are you alright?” His sister was standing up, ready to climb down the side of the hole, but he waved a hand, the other cover the bottom half of his face.
“I-I’m alright, yeah. Sorry.”
He was not alright. Dear God, he was in so much trouble.
—-
Saheon was nervous. He felt like he’d spent so much time the past month skipping out on studying and now, with the CSAT right ahead of him, he was starting to feel the nerves.
The CSAT was his chance to show colleges what he could do and get himself out of this village.
No one else around him was particularly worried. His classmates just said that if they failed they’d take it next year. His teachers offered study sessions but they were full of kids who chatted and goofed off. His family… well, when he told them he had to be driven to the testing site his father had stormed out. He had never liked the idea of Saheon leaving.
And Soleum had barely studied. Unlike Saheon whose future was dependent on this exam with his little extracurricular activities to show and no volunteer or service hours either, Soleum was not only naturally smart, but he didn’t feel suffocated in his town.
When Saheon had briefly spoken to him about it, Soleum had said: [ Sure, it’d be great to leave and all, but there’s always next year. ]
What was different though was that Soleum still pushed him to study. Even though he himself didn’t, the guy always reminded him to not skip too many classes and to study instead of playing games. It was Saheon’s fault for ignoring that every once in a while in favor of spending time with him.
And now it was coming back to bite him.
It was the day before the exams and he couldn’t even plaster a fake smile on his face.
”Hey, Baek Saheon! Look, my girlfriend gave me a photo to put in my wallet during the test for good luck. I think she just wanted me to keep it though, don’t you think?”
He sighed. “Probably.”
”Ha! I knew it.”
Saheon turning back to the board. He didn’t even bother telling his desk mate that he wouldn’t be able to take his wallet into the testing room.
Saheon didn’t think he’d even had a photo of someone in his wallet. He wasn’t even sure he had any photos small enough.
Well, there’s that yearbook photo of Soleum….
He immediately shook his head. That would be weird, if he carried around a photo of his friend, right? Yeah, definitely. Especially, a photo he didn’t even get from to person himself….
Saheon wondered if Soleum would send him a photo if asked, not that he would.
The homeroom teacher walked in, having dropped off the forms she’d just collected off at the office. She clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention.
”Alright, as everyone knows, the College Scholastic Ability Test is in two days. For those who are taking it, know you’ve all done your best to prepare. It was requested that we provide a bus due to the fact that some people’s parents don’t have cars or don’t know how to drive so we have one ready.”
Saheon let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding.
”Please arrive at school tomorrow at the regular time. We’ll be driving into Seoul as it is the closest location and spending the night there in a hotel we have rented out rooms in for the night. If your parents still haven’t signed the consent form, I will need that by tomorrow to let you on the bus.”
Saheon had forged his father’s signature the night before. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it, but it would hopefully be the last because he would soon be gone from this place.
”We are providing the bus back as well, however you are in charge of getting to your test on time. Some of you have slightly different locations within Seoul and will need to prepare ahead of time so you know who you can go with. Remember, the test requires you to be there at 8:10, but think of getting there earlier. Alright, this will all be repeated to you tomorrow night, but does anyone have any questions?”
No one raised their hand and class was dismissed.
As he walked home, his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. What was wrong with him? He should have studied more. What if his whole future came crashing down because he had decided to spend time with Soleum rather than study?
He was so anxious, he wasn’t sure he would be able to sleep.
—-
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Good luck!!
Good luck tomorrow!!!!!!!
I’m going to school early for the final morning review period and staying late for cram school so I won’t be able to answer till after the test BUT we’re gonna do great ><
I’ll bet my whole fortune LOL
Remember to skip questions you get stuck on and come back to them later so that you don’t waste time!
And make suer you don’t get lost in Seoul, if you’re late you’ll regret it forever
Bye ]
Saheon woke up to that message, a strange sensation stirring in his heart. All of the anxiety he’d felt the night before vanished.
He let out a huff, a genuine smile playing on his lips.
Soleum really was a good luck charm.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Good luck!!
*sure
Idiot. ]
𓂃.ᐟ
Soleum was bored. So bored that he actually studied a bit.
Since Saheon was staying in Seoul the night before the exam, and therefore had no access to a computer, he had no one to talk to. It had been a while since that had happened.
Laying on his bed, reading over his biology textbook, he let out a sigh. Biology reminded him of Saheon
He was sure he would be alright no matter what happened tomorrow but he was worried about Saheon.
Though he tried not to get to involved in Saheon’s affairs, it seemed like he really wanted to do well on this exam. It worried him, especially since he wouldn’t be able to contact him for a couple more days.
What if he did really badly?
He wasn’t arrogant enough to think of himself as one of the people closest to Saheon, but he had never heard Saheon speak of any of his classmates in a positive light. They were usually “annoying” or “overly enthusiastic” or “dimwitted”. If he did badly would he be able to talk to any of these people about it and receive comfort.
The thought of that in itself made jealousy spark in his heart. It immediately made him feel guilty. He should be happy if Saheon had lots of friend, not greedy and try and keep him for himself. Of course someone cool and handsome like Saheon would have friends. He was dumb for even thinking otherwise.
Closing his textbook, he sighed. His mood was totally ruined. He should just sleep, he had to get up early to drive to Busan tomorrow anyway.
—-
His eyes were heavy as his father practically dragged him out of bed that morning at 5. The drive was right under two hours, but his father was the overly cautious type and got them ready with thirty extra minutes to spare.
As his mother was packing a lunchbox for him, he quickly sat down in front of the computer.
It was silly, after all Saheon wouldn’t see his message till after he came back from the exam, but Soleum still felt he should send it. Mostly to lessen the burden on himself.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Exam day >~<
I know you won’t see this till after you’re done so congrats on finishing!!!! I’m sure you did great.
I actually really nervous rn
I didn’t think I’d be but… I guess I want to do well so that we can celebrate together (not that it would be great to just celebrate you!!)
We didn’t get to study together or do a post exam debrief like most ]
He wanted to write friends. He really did. But what if he was wrong? What if to Saheon he was just some guy? Not close enough to call a friend. What if this ruined everything.
He deleted it.
[ We didn’t get to study together or do a post exam debrief so at least we should pass together right??
Anyways I have to go but you better send me some good luck telepathically!!!!!!
Bye ]
𓂃.ᐟ
It was over.
Saheon stood outside of the building in which had just taken the exam.
The air was chilled to the point where he could see his breath and the sun was barely peering over the tall buildings.
It was over. Every answer he had written was permanently out of his control and gone, off the decide his fate.
Would this be the last time he’d see the city before next year’s test, or was this just a taste for what he would be experiencing once he graduated high school and could move away?
It sent shivers down his spine. Mostly because he truly wasn’t sure how he did.
In some subjects like Biology and Korean History he felt confident as though he had answered every question correctly. However on his weaker subjects he just couldn’t be sure if he’d gotten enough right to pass.
Fuck, it’s all over if I didn’t pass. And I won’t know until after next week.
He ran a stressed hand through his hair.
Now that the anxiety was gone it was replaced with anger.
He should have studied harder. He spent too much time playing soccer and swimming and playing games and talking to Soleum.
He never should have gotten close to someone right when it mattered the most to be focused on his studies.
He grit his teeth. He was so dumb. He just wanted to get home and sleep and forget it all.
—-
When the bus dropped him off at school, night had long fallen.
His sister waved him over to the car to drive him home.
”So, how do you think you did?” She asked as she pulled them out of the parking lot.
He shrugged, sure that if he unclenched his teeth he would say something he regretted.
She took his silence as an answer and didn’t ask again.
In fact, no one else asked at all. His mother was already asleep and when his father saw him come in, he simply stood up front he armchair an stormed off to his room.
Saheon balled his hands into fists but just glared at the floor.
His sister gave him a pitying pat on the shoulder as she passed him.
”Hey, why don’t you check in on your friend? The one you’re always messaging with.”
What she was really saying is: “I’m sure they’ll want to talk with you even if no one in this place will.” But it was left unsaid.
He glanced at the monitor. He’d told Soleum that he would contact him in the morning, sure that they would both be too tired.
Still, he sat down with aching eyes. That’s when he saw a new message in his inbox.
Ah.
Shame filled him as he read the message. Here Soleum was, always putting Saheon’s success first and yet all Saheon could do was find ways of blaming his own failure on Soleum.
If he had done really terribly, would he have truly taken it out on his only friend?
He put his head in his hands.
God, I’m trash.
He looked back at the message through his bangs.
In the end, Soleum was the first person to congratulate him personally on finishing.
His heart stuttered.
He wished they weren’t so far apart.
Sitting up straight again, he started writing a response.
Soleum probably wasn’t awake but he still felt the need to write after just having read it.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Exam day >~<
*Anyway (Anyways isn’t a real word)
I hope you got all the good luck I was sending your way. Do you feel like you did well? I’m not sure how I did but I think I’ll be okay as long as you promise to comfort me LOL
We should find a way to celebrate for sure. Maybe we could call?? I don’t have webcam but we could still do voice… maybe?
Tell me what you think and have a good night :) ]
His sister who was walking past to get some water before bed glanced over his shoulder at his writing.
”They write pretty cutely.”
”Hey!” He covered the screen with his arms, sending her a glare. “Don’t look at what I’m doing.”
She raised an eyebrow.
”What? You used to let me read your e-mails, why do you care now?”
Then a smirk slit across her face, one that was reminiscent of the one Saheon wore himself.
”Wait… are you chatting with a girl? Oh my God, are you dating someone?”
”What?!” Saheon exclames, shocked. “No! No, no, this guy is the one I used to hate? Who I’m now friends with? You know who!”
Her sly face didn’t change. “Okay, if you say so.”
”No, really, look.”
”No, no I believe you.” However, she didn’t even glance at the screen and continued into the kitchen without sparing him one more second.
Sabeon scoffed. “Unbelievable.”
Turning back to the computer, he cleared his throat.
[ Tell me what you think. ]
He decided to delete the last part, not because of anything his sister said, definitely not. It just… seemed more like something friend you say.
And that’s what Saheon was to Soleum: a friend.
—-
He yawned as he pressed send. It was past midnight so he wasn’t expecting a response and yet, with what seemed like seconds, an unread message was sitting in the top of his inbox.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Exam day >~<
I’m sure you did well, and of course I’ll comfort you -3-
I don’t have a webcam either but we should def call! I can’t believe we’ve never heard eachother’s voices
Have a good night!
Bye ]
His heart was beating fast. Had Soleum stayed up waiting for him just in case he messaged? No, that was stupid, of course not.
And yet it still made him smile.
Quickly, he sent one last message before shutting off the computer.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Exam day >~<
*each other’s
Goodnight :) ]
𓂃.ᐟ
Thankfully — though it was a Friday after the CSAT — school was out, so Soleum didn’t have to open his eyes until his mother finally called him down for lunch.
“So, your father says you think you did well yesterday?”
He nodded as he sat down, thanking his mom for the food.
“Yeah, honestly there weren’t that many questions that stumped me ‘cept in the English section. I completely blanked for some of that.”
She nodded, serving herself some rice.
“Well, I’m proud of you. I’m sure you’ll get into a great college either way.”
He smiled, cheeks full of food.
His father then spoke up. “You think you’ll want to go into a city? Or stay more in a smaller town?”
Soleum hadn’t thought much about it yet. For him, it didn’t matter how many people there were as long as he could live on campus.
So, he shrugged. “I dunno yet. I don’t think that’s somethin’ that matters to me.”
They nodded.
“What about your classmates? Do any of them know where they’re goin’ already or where they want to go?”
Soleum shrugged again.
“I dunno… but Saheon really wants to go to Seoul. He applied for Seoul University but he might not get in there… he didn’t make early admission but who knows. He got a conditional acceptance, I think.”
His mother furrowed her brows and his father leaned over. “His pen pal friend.”
“Oh! Right.”
She smiled gently.
“I’m glad you two have gotten so close. Why didn’t you apply to SNU, too?”
Soleum rolled his eyes, smiling. “As if I’d get in. It’s as hard to get into as when y’all were kids. And we’re not that close. But… would it be okay if Saheon and I voice chat? He said he can do it on the weekends.”
His parents looks slightly surprised but nodded.
“Of course. Yeah, the computer has a microphone so it should work. If not, you could use my phone,” his father offered.
“Thanks, Pa.”
His father also had a webcam, actually, for when he had to take calls with overseas clients, but Soleum thought it would be awkward for Saheon to be able to see him while he could only hear Saheon, so he’d fibbed a bit.
—-
After lunch, he told his parents that he would be using the computer for the whole afternoon. The truth was he wanted to be able to use dinner as an excuse to end the call if he needed to, and he needed the couple hours before to prepare himself.
He was so nervous.
He’d never called anyone before besides his aunt and cousins who lived too far to visit and the fact that it would be just the two of them made it so… personal? Intimate? He wasn’t sure, but he was on edge.
He started a new e-mail chain.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Voice call
Ok I got my parents permission so we can call before dinner tonight if you want?
Tbh I don’t really know what we should talk about cuz it’s kind of my first time doing this…
Ig we can decide once we’re calling tho right?
Bye ]
Saheon’s reply came some minutes later.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Voice call
Yeah, tonight works for me. Let me get some headphones so my sister doesn’t eavesdrop LOL ]
If you want we can play a game while on call so it’s not awkward? Whatever you want, really. It’s also my first time calling a friend :) ]
Ah.
Soleum could stop the grin from splitting across his face.
They were friends.
His heart leaped with excitement and his eyes even blurred. Jesus, was he going to cry over getting a friend? That would be so dumb….
He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.
And then the call button appeared.
It was Saheon.
Huh? He was calling now? Didn’t the mean that he would call later, like in an hour or two?!
But the button didn’t disappear and Soleum, with a sweaty hand, picked up the mouse and clicked accept.
“Hello?”
𓂃.ᐟ
Soleums voice crackled across the line, straight into Saheon’s ears.
It wasn’t like what he’d imagined, and yet it was perfectly him. Monotone, on the bridge between deep and medium, a smooth tone, and— huh, he had a bit of an accent. Saheon could tell from the brief greeting. That was unexpected but it was kind of cute. It suit him.
Clearing his throat, Saheon answered.
He’d pondered over what the first words he would say would be. Would he be energetic like: “Hi, Soleum-ah!!! It’s me!” Or more cool like: “Hey, it’s Baek Saheon. This Kim Soleum?” But instead what came out was: “Uh, hey?”
Ugh! He was failure! He sounded so dumb, why did he hesitate like that?!
As he was ripping his hair out, Soleum let out a little huff that sounded like a laugh.
“It’s nice to finally talk to ya.”
Yup, he definitely had a southern dialect, and Saheon was definitely into it.
“Yeah! I can’t believe it’s only been four weeks since we first contact each other. Seems like it’s been forever.”
“Uh-huh. You mean back when you were an asshole?”
“Hey, I’m still an asshole, just not to you. You’ve earned my niceness by being decently interesting.”
Soleum was silent for a second. Then he let out a sarcastic laugh.
“Heh, wow, I’m so honored.”
“You should be, you should be.”
He’d been worried it would be awkward, especially since neither of the them seemed to be comfortable with talking in person, but it seemed he’d been worried for nothing.
“Wanna play some games?”
“Sure, but if ya gonna yell, turn away from the mic.”
—-
He beat Soleum, as always, but even he would admit he played shitty.
It wasn’t his fault though! What was he supposed to do when Soleum was breathing right in his ear?
He could hear every time the guy hummed to himself or tisked or groaned at a bad play— it was like they were right next to each other. It was overwhelming.
“Are you goin’ easy on me?” Soleum asked.
Though he could never hear it through the chat room, it was so obvious to him now that Soleum was pouting.
He could barely hold back a laugh.
“Of course not! Maybe you’ve just gotten better.”
“As if,” he said with a snort.
Was it wrong for Saheon to find it all so endearing? He ran a hand awkwardly through his curls.
“Hey, I never asked, how do you think you did on the exams?”
“Oh.” Soleum seemed slightly surprised at change of subject. “Um, I think I did fine. Ma actually suggested I really try for SNU… I start the app like everyone but I dunno… I hadn’t really been planning on doing it seriously, ya know? Applications are over, obviously, but… I guess after the CSAT I feel more confident in my other applications?”
That surprised him. He knew Soleum didn’t care much for being far from home but SNU really was the school so if there was any place that made Soleum travel far, it would be that school.
“I can’t believe you even started the app for that. Damn, would’ve been cool to go to the same school, though”
“Huh, I hadn’t thought about that, but yeah. Oh well, I did apply to a Seoul school though.”
“Seriously? Dude, we could be like those seniors that rent an apartment together to save rent.”
Soleum laughed. “Seoul’s expensive. And I can tell you’d be a terrible roommate.”
Saheon scoffed. “What? No way! You’d be the one keeping me up too late.”
“Ain’t like I’ll be able to keep that up on college… you could train me to sleep early, haha….”
His laugh was airy and slightly nastily, like he was forcing it out.
“Fine, but only if you pay me.”
“What?”
“What? That’s what you said, idiot.” He could practically hear Soleum roll his eyes.
“Shaddup. But fine. And hey, we could totally read each other’s essays and stuff.”
Saheon grinned. “For sure! Plus, this wasn’t awkward, right? We could definitely call again.”
“Yeah, yeah. I agree.”
A thin silence spread between them.
“Hey, you know, I actually read your last letter.”
“Really?”
“Haha, yeah. This is embarrassing so I’m only telling you this once, but I actually started swimming because I read that you didn’t like going in the water and wanted to be better than you.”
His face slowly heat up as he admitted that. God, now that he said it, that was so pathetic of him, wasn’t it?
Soleum seemed to think it was more funny than pathetic because he let out a loud cackle that almost caused Saheon to wince.
“Bwahaha! No way?! That’s so somethin’ you would do.”
“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, only someone really stubborn would do somethin’ like that, right?”
Saheon huffed. “I guess, whatever though. I bet I am a better swimmer than you now though. Hey, if we ever meet, I’m gonna make you go in the water with me, alright? I gotta show off what I’ve been working so hard on.”
It was silent for a second.
“Uh, right. Um, sorry, it’s actually time for me to go eat, but let’s set up a time to go through finals questions together, alright? We gotta study, don’t forget!”
“Right, right….” Saheon scratched the back of his head. “Well, you go, I’ll reach out.”
He cleared his throat awkwardly. “It was… nice talking to you, Soleum.”
“Oh, um, yeah, me, too. It was nice talkin’ to you, too. Uh, bye?”
“Yeah, yeah, bye.”
The receiver clicked and the call was over after an hour thirty.
“Bye….”
—-
“Okay, that was one hundred percent your girlfriend, right?” His sister asked as he was putting the headphones back into the desk drawer.
He gave her a confused look. “What are you talking about? No.”
She smirked. “Oh, come on. You can tell me. I’ll keep it a secret.”
He frowned. “Dude, seriously. That was just my friend. Also, I thought I told you not to listen in.”
Now it was her turn to frown. “Just your friend? You don’t smile like that for your friends; you do that fake nice-guy smile. And you were totally blushing and stuff!” She pointed an accusatory finger at him.
He glared at her. “Shut up, you don’t know anything.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, I have eyes, you know? I see when you’re just laying around and then you suddenly turn read and start rolling around like some school girl with a crush— which, by the way, you are! A school girl with a crush, I mean.”
He threw a pencil at her.
“I said shut up!”
And she raised her hands in defeat.
𓂃.ᐟ
Soleum paced his room back and forth. He should be asleep but today’s events were too much for him to overthink while laying down.
He and Saheon had called for the first time, and he’d heard what he sounded like. Honestly, if he heard his voice on the street — unlike his looks — he probably wouldn’t tune in, and yet, because he knew it was Saheon’s voice, it was ringing in his head.
Every time his heart settled down, his brain would helpfully provide the memory of Saheon calling his name, just to get him going again.
Truly ridiculous.
He sighed. In addition to that, Saheon not only mentioned them calling again, but also meeting in person. It was so much information at once. Soleum wasn’t sure how people with multiple friends could deal with ten times this amount of feelings a day.
He had to keep up with it though. He had to acclimate himself, after all, if both he and Saheon did get into school in Seoul, they really would meet in person…. The thought was still slightly unreal. Meeting his first friend….
Soleum didn’t end up calming his heart that night.
—-
Over the course of the next couple weeks, the two called practically everyday, studying in silence, gaming, and sometimes just talking. One day, Soleum ended up calling Saheon on his father’s phone instead, sitting outside as he called him so that his father could take a business call.
“Hey, is there a window open? I can hear seagulls.”
“Oh, I’m actually crouchin’ outside right now. Pa is usin’ the computer so I’m borrowin’ his cell.”
“Cool. Hey, when I finally get my first phone we need to exchange numbers. Then we can text and stuff instead of e-mail.”
“Def’nitly.”
And then, on one faithful Sunday, as the two friends were on a call as had become custom for them, the CSAT results came out.
𓂃.ᐟ
“You look first,” Saheon huffed. He could hear Soleum opening his envelope on the other end of the line.
They’d been on call since early that morning, waiting to go collect the envelopes that were arriving. Saheon had received his first, however it had felt too heavy to open alone.
“Fine,” Soleum said, his voice seemingly unaffected. He still took a deep breath, though.
And then he pulled out the papers.
Saheon held his breath as Soleum read his scores.
“So…?”
Soleum chuckled. “I did fine, as good as I excepted to, haha…. Not Seoul University level.”
Saheon let out a sigh. “Well, the two of us can go to some rando college no one has ever heard of together.”
Soleum really laughed at that. “Mhm.”
Feeling slightly less pressured, he opened his envelope and flipped over the paper inside.
Ah. “Hey, I got a perfect score in Bio.”
Something loud fell the ground on the other side of the line. “What?!” Soleum seemed to be scrambling around, trying to recover from whatever mess he made during the shock. “Wait, are you serious? That’s crazy.”
“Is it that crazy?” Saheon joked, though he was also in shock. A perfect score… He actually did it.
“Wait, Saheon, you’re not pullin’ my leg, are ya? You actually got a perfect score?”
Jeez, he was taking this so seriously that even Saheon’s eyes were starting to prick.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m kind of in shock now… I didn’t think I’d studied enough.”
“What do you mean? You studied every night and during school!”
Saheon scratched the back of his head. “I know, but I still feel like there’s other people who probably put in more effort… Ah! Whatever! I got this, I deserve this!” Now wasn’t the time to put himself down, he’d done it!
“Yeah!” Soleum cheered him on, albeit slightly quieter. “So, you really have a chance then, or did ya mess up your other scores?”
Saheon grinned. Ugh, his eyes were actually watering. “Nope, my lowest was in Korean— still 1 though.”
“Holy…! All ones…. But if you’re the brain one and the brawn one now, what am I?”
“Hmm, the pretty one?”
“Shaddup,” he grumbled, causing Saheon to let out a cackle. “We both know you’re the pretty one anyway.”
“Huh?”
It went quiet for a second. “Nothing.”
He’d probably misheard. Yeah, definitely.
“Right.”
“Well, I’ll let you go, you should go tell your family! This is so cool, I still can’t believe it.”
“You’re acting like you’re the one who did well.”
“I did do well, ‘xcuse you, but I’m currently living vicariously through you so you need to go show off.”
“Woah, big word there,” Saheon laughed quietly.
Soleum was really happy for him, and it was nice to have someone who was. The truth was that his family probably wouldn’t be very happy, especially his father. After all, it was him being one step closer to leaving them behind.
“I… I’ll tell them later. Let’s compare scores! I wanna see if you beat me in anything.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I think you’ll be surprised at what us naturally talented people can do even without hardcore studying.”
“Hey, no bragging! I thought we were being nice to me today?”
“When did we say that?”
“Dude!”
Yeah, there was no one else he’d rather be with right now.
—-
His sister glanced up at him as he stood in her doorway. “Uh, hello?”
“Hey.” He cleared his throat. “I, uh, I did really good on the CSAT. I might actually get into a good college especially if I make SNU’s final exam conditions.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Really? That’s great, Saheon-ah.”
She didn’t ask if he was going to tell their parents, she already knew.
“Want me to make you a cake or something?”
He snorted, though he knew she would if he asked. “No, no, I just wanted to tell you. You might have to drive me to an interview, after all.”
She sighed. “Wow, the things I do for you. But I guess you won’t have to learn to drive if you live in a big city like that, huh?”
“Yeah, probably not.”
She looked back at the book she was reading. “Is that it?”
“Um, how do you know if you like someone?”
Her head wiped back towards him. “Did you just ask me what I think you did?”
He scratched the back of his head, embarrassed.
“Never mind, forget it—”
She grabbed his arm and pulled him into her room, closing the door behind them. before he knew it, he was sitting awkwardly on the edge of her bed, his sister sitting in front of him in her desk chair with her legs crossed. Her room was warmly lit and filled with blankets and pillows, he’d always liked it since he was younger, preferring it to his own room.
“Okay, okay. Spill. Is it the person you’ve been messaging and calling non-stop the past month?”
He winced at how quickly she’d guessed who it was. He had been that obvious?
As if reading his mind, she rolled her eyes. “I haven’t heard you even mention any other kid your age in like forever, so there weren’t many options. Is it some other classmate of yours?”
He sighed. “No,” he mumbled.
She grinned like a cat.
“Okay, so… who is it?”
“Um….” Suddenly his heart was beating really fast and his palms turned sweaty. He told his sister everything. So why was he suddenly nervous? Why did he feel… scared? She wasn’t like that, she wouldn’t hate him if he liked a boy, right?
Oh, God, he was so scared, he couldn’t do it.
His mouth was dry. He licked his lips. “So, there’s this, um, friend of mine. We, um, we met through school, but they live in the south, so that’s why we’re always calling and never meeting up, you know?”
She nodded, smile not falling from her lips. “I see, that makes sense. So, why do you think you like her?”
He tired not to flinch. He felt like he was boiling, though. Why was this so hard? Why did he feel so terrible?
“Well, I just found that when I’m talking with them… I never feel like there’s anywhere else I’d rather be. And, um, I think about them a lot and I want to like….” He trailed off. This was too embarrassing!
His sister leaned in, the smile on her face was gentler. “Come on, I won’t make fun of you.”
He sighed. “Um, I just, you know, want to meet them in person and spend real time with them and maybe even… like, hug them, or hold their hand….”
He felt like his face was going to explode. He put his head in his hands, not wanted to look at his sister. “So, yeah.”
His sister ran a hand through his hair. “Well, if you ask me, I think you like her, and I think you already know that you do.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled into his palms.
She pulled him into an awkward hug that had him squished between his own arms and her’s and yet he was oddly comforted. With a pat on the back, she pulled away.
“Alright, you got your head on straight?”
He nodded, giving an awkward smile. “Yeah, sorry, I was just a bit all over the place and needed someone else to say it.”
“Ha!” She cackled. “I’ve been saying it, bro!”
“Yeah, yeah….”
He got up with another thanks, but as he was about to close the door behind him, his sister spoke up again.
“Hey, is she from the same school project that that other guy is from?”
“Huh?”
“You know, the one that you hate? That you started swimming ‘cause?”
“Oh, um, yeah. Yeah, they’re from the same thing.”
“Cool!”
Yeah, cool….
The worst thing was, right then, the only person he could think of reaching out to for comfort was the one person he absolutely couldn’t tell.
𓂃.ᐟ
Soleum didn’t know what happened, but all of a sudden, Saheon was really busy. At first, it made sense to him: they can’t call every night because exams are coming up and he can’t respond to e-mails as quickly because he’s studying at school or the library. Soleum was understanding, really.
Yet, it still made him anxious. This was the first time in what felt like forever that they’d gone a week without calling. Was it normal for friends to go through rough spots? Was this one of them or was he just being too clingy and overthinking too much?
And so he didn’t say anything. When their study sessions blew over and their calls stopped even being discussed, he didn’t say anything. When days started passing between e-mails and he was always the one starting the new chain, he didn’t say anything. When finals were done, and Saheon still didn’t contact him with some lame joke to tie over the awkward space that had grown between them, he still didn’t say anything.
“Honey, are you going to be using the computer this afternoon?” His mother used to ask. But now, everyone expected him to be in his room reading or sitting with Brown, watching the bunny as a form of entertainment.
Tonight, it was both, as his parents were out on a date and he was able to sneak the animal into his room.
Brown was munching on a celery stick as Soleum let out a wheezing sigh.
“Brown, I feel lonely. It’s been, like, three weeks since Saheon and I were speakin’ like normal. I thought it would go back to how it was after finals were done, but he hasn’t reached out at all.”
The rabbit just kept chewing.
“I would reach out but… what if I’m doin’ it all wrong and this is his way of sayin’ he don’t wanna be friends no more? Am I bein’ crazy? No, it’s possible, right?”
He sighed again as he ran a hand over the rabbit’s soft white and brown spotted fur.
“Am I makin’ this a bigger deal than it is? Friends stop bein’ friends all the time and we’ve only known each other for a couple months now. I just miss him a lot, Brown.”
He tilted his head to look the bunny in the eye. “It’ll just be the two of us again, I guess. But I — and don’t take this to heart — don’t wanna go back to not having friends. It’s like I’ve grown so used to it that goin’ back seems even worse than if I had just stayed alone, y’know?”
He fed the animal another celery stick, smiling slightly as he watch it chomp down.
Yeah, if Saheon didn’t want to be friends with him anymore, that was alright, it was his decision and he wasn’t going to trap Saheon in a relationship he didn’t want.
Soleum was used to this. Every time he thought he’d made a friend in elementary school they’d tell him out of the blue that he was boring or scary and that they weren’t gonna be his friend anymore.
Of course, they weren’t little kids anymore and Saheon hadn’t even had the decency to tell him they weren’t going to be friend’s anymore, but the message was sent. Saheon could be a bit of an ass sometimes, anyway.
He almost let out a chuckle as he remembered how vile they’d first been to each other when they were still pen pals. they’d come a long way.
But I guess it didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me….
His eyes started to sting. God, it meant so much to him.
He sniffed, looking at his rabbit with unshed tears.
“Why does this hurt so much, Brown? We really barely knew each other….”
The rabbit looked at him with it’s black eyes, devoid of much thought.
He sighed. A pet wasn’t very helpful.
Getting up, he decided to find some better help.
“Come, Brown.”
Heading towards the computer, he sat down, letting Brown jump up onto his lap.
“Alright….”
[ Search: Why does it hurt so much when my friend stops talking to me? ]
Scrolling, he found forums and articles depicting similar things. They mostly insinuated that he was feeling betrayed and that Saheon had made a selfish decision in a relationship that involved more than just him.
Soleum gnawed on his lip. He wasn’t sure he felt betrayed, it more felt like it was inevitable that this would happen, that’s why he was weirded out by how hurt he felt. Could it be that he had unconsciously developed an expectation that Saheon would actually stick by his side? That they would actually go to college together and meet in person?
Jeez, that’s pathetic.
[ Search: Why did I grow more attached to one friend then I have to others? ]
This search was less helpful and led him to being accused of being too emotionally attached to his friend.
[ Search: What does it mean when I can’t stop thinking of an old friend? ]
It felt strange to write old friend for Saheon who he would consider a new friend, but he soldiered on, reading the related links.
Emotional attachment… unresolved feelings… I don’t get it.
“Do you get it, Brown?”
The bunny said nothing, as bunny do.
Soleum furrowed his brows. What sort of unresolved attachment would he have to Saheon? It’s not like their friendship lacked anything, right?
Ugh, this was just confusing him more.
[ Search: Emotional attachment unresolved feelings meaning ]
He blushed slightly as all the results that came up revolved around break ups.
I mean, friend break ups are like real break ups anyway, he reasoned.
Clicking on the first link, he started reading what looked like a relationship counseling blog.
[ It’s normal to have unresolved feelings after a break up. After having put a lot of effort and time into a relationship, having it fall apart can lead to a soured view of what was once loved. This creates complex feelings that need to be processed and conflicts with previous feelings you might have had. It’s normal to feel lost, especially if you still feel in love with your former partner. You might miss them and start noticing things they did that you don’t have anymore— it can be hard to readjust. ]
Soleum cocked an eyebrow. Wow, this was pretty much exactly how he was feeling except he didn’t feel bitter. It was definitely more just that he still felt— well, not love, but affection for Saheon.
Yeah, friend affection, nothing romantic about it.
Brown’s ear twitched, tickling his wrists. He let out hand pet is back as the other continued to scroll.
He didn’t like how much his predicament was lining up with other people’s romantic feelings. Sure, it could be a coincidence, but that was the problem, he didn’t know. Everything that involved Saheon made him feel like he was out in the ocean with no land in sight— way out of his depth.
[ Search: How do I know if I like someone in a friend way or a romantic way? ]
[ Platonic versus romantic love: take this quiz to find out how you feel! ]
Hm, seemed… less than trustworthy, but it was something. Gingerly, he clicked on the link.
[ Platonic vs Romantic! Q1: How much do you know about this person? ]
The quiz gave him three options, the strongest being 3, the weakest being 1, and the middle option being 2. It seemed simple enough and, I mean, what harm could come from it?
He clicked 2. He knew a lot about him but nothing really deep so he decided that was the right option.
[ Q2: How close are you with this person? ]
He clicked 2 again. They were friends but not close like family, or anything.
[ Q3: Do you talk to this person a lot? ]
Until recently, yes. 3.
[ Q4: Do you do things for this person that you wouldn’t do for anyone else? ]
3.
[ Q5: Do you get excited/butterflies around this person? ]
3.
[ Q6: Do you think about this person even when they aren’t around? ]
3.
[ Q7: Do you feel confused about your relationship? ]
3.
After clicking 3 for pretty much every option, his heart started racing. There was no way. It was just as a joke.
[ Congratulations! You most likely have romantic feelings for this person! ]
This is just one stupid quiz; he can’t — won’t — trust it!
So he did another, and another, and… another, and they all told him the same thing.
Oh God, does he like like Saheon?!
𓂃.ᐟ
Saheon was pacing back and forth in front of the computer.
Yes, he’d ghosted Soleum. It was on purpose, but it also wasn’t.
He liked Soleum. Like, like liked him. He knew it didn’t change anything, it’s not like Soleum knew, but suddenly everything felt like it had more weight. Now that he was conscious of his feelings, it felt like they were always on the tip of his tongue, ready to jump out of his mouth. And no one made him spill things faster than Soleum— minus his sister.
So, logically, he decided to put some space between them, just to give himself a little safety net. However, he didn’t anticipate it would last.
His excuse was going to be: “I was studying for finals, sorry for sudden loss in contact.” But finals were over. And they still weren’t talking.
He’d thought that they would just naturally reach out to each other again, but he still wasn’t ready, and if Soleum also wasn’t reaching out….
Was Soleum done with him? Had he let him go without even so much as an angry e-mail telling him what an asshole he was?
Okay, that wasn’t something Soleum would do, that was something Saheon would do, but his point still stands. Were they really going to fall apart without a single word?
He didn’t want it to end like that, which was why he was debating exactly how he should rekindle their friendship.
The most obvious thing was to bring up his final exam results, but, of course, if Soleum did badly that would a terrible thing to bring up.
Ugh, what am I saying, that guy could pass in his sleep as long as he payed attention in class.
Sitting down, he opened his e-mail, practically flinching when he saw one of the many unanswered e-mails Soleum had sent him days ago. Would it be better to answer to all the old ones and then send his?
He shook his head, no, he just had to do it.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Hi
Hey, Soleum. Sorry for suddenly disappearing like that. Finals were tough since I was trying to maintain SNU worthy grades. How did your finals go? And have you gotten any news back from any universities? I haven’t but I’m supposed to next week.
Do you wanna call soon, maybe? If you’re up for it. ]
…He sounded like an asshole, didn’t he? He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. He felt slightly ashamed that it was this hard for him to be nice when he actually wanted to be.
He added a like [ Sorry, again. ] at the end and pressed send.
Well, if Soleum really didn’t want to be his friend anymore then it wouldn’t matter if he thought he was deflecting. He tried to show he was apologetic.
It still all sucked though, he really didn’t want Soleum to think he was still an asshole after everything. Anyone but him.
—-
When his answer came, Saheon had just finished washing his dishes after dinner.
He wiped his hands on his pants and sat down. It was a good sign that he had responded, at least, but Soleum did always like having the last word.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Hi
It’s no problem, I was busy, too. ]
For some reason that made his heart sting. Maybe because he knew Soleum was never busy.
[ My finals went fine, I ended first in my class which was great.
I heard back from three of the four. The one in Seoul, a small college in Gwangju, and one in Busan, so nearish to home.
I’m leaning towards the one in Busan. ]
Oh.
This was fine. Of course Soleum would rather stay near home. He wasn’t like Saheon.
They weren’t that similar.
[ I hope you did well on your finals.
And you don’t have to force yourself to spend time with me if you don’t want to. Sorry if I misread this, but it looks like you were putting some space between us, so if I’m right I really don’t mind. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.
Bye ]
What? Make him uncomfortable? If anything it was the other wya around. He’d run away because he was afraid his feelings were too obvious and Soleum would be uncomfortable. It was almost laughable.
He quickly sat down and start writing.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Hi
Dude, I am in no way forcing myself to spend time with you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. ]
Jeez, he sounded like a manipulator.
[ I’m sorry. I genuinely enjoy spending time with you and I admit it was shitty of me to kind of cut you off like that. I thought you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore after this so if that’s the case please tell me. But if not, then, again, I’m sorry. Do you think you can forgive me? I won’t ghost you ever again. I feel really shitty about it. ]
He waited with bated breath for Soleum to respond.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Hi
Oh, did I just make this really awkward TT
I’m glad and I don’t hate you or anything btw I just wanna make sure that I’m not like guilting you into spending time with me, yk?
You’ve stuck around longer than anyone else so I guess I just got a little anxious, sorry
Bye ]
Saheon was sweating. He had to word his response correctly. He felt like he was standing on a glass floor: one wrong move and everything might break apart.
𓂃.ᐟ
Soleum was biting his lip in anticipation. He didn’t know what to feel. If they stopped being friends, he would be lonely and he would miss Saheon like crazy, but if they stayed friend… and got closer… he wasn’t sure how he would handle it.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Hi
Of course I’m sticking around. I might be an asshole, but aren’t we friends? ]
The air suddenly felt heavy. He knew what Saheon was asking, he wasn’t dumb.
[ I thought we were friends. ]
[ Do you not think so? ]
Of course he thought so. Jesus Christ, when he first saw Saheon refer to them as friends he thought he would have a heart attack and he had to stop himself from squealing in joy. It was stupid how excited he’d been.
He’d wanted it so bad, but now… now he was realizing that that wasn’t all he wanted, and that was the real idiocy.
Aren’t we friends? Yes, yes we are, but, God, I wish we weren’t.
—-
It was like nothing had happened— or more like they were both desperately trying to forget the unsettling break in their relationship. Soleum knew he was. Everything was natural until he found himself laughing too hard or smiling too much and then he felt like he had to manufacture his responses and reactions so Saheon wouldn’t catch on to his feelings. It was slightly exhausting and yet he never thought that it would be better to end it.
Like before they started calling again and e-mailing every day. With school over, and Saheon getting his final grades back that let him be excepted into SNU, all that was left was for Soleum to decide where he was going to go.
Saheon brought it up every now and then, but Soleum still hadn’t made a decision. It was obvious Saheon wanted them to be in Seoul together, but for Soleum who hadn’t spent his whole life dreaming of leaving his town, that was a big move.
“Oh, and this morning I got the official acceptance into Seoul University.”
“Well, there we go, you’re officially one of the best!”
“Stop flattering me,” Saheon said, letting out a laugh. “So, um….”
He cleared his throat. Soleum felt a smile play on his lips. “No, I haven’t decided yet.”
He leaned back on his chair. “I mean, all four I got into are good schools, y’know? And, honestly, I dunno which one is best for me.”
“It’s really between Pusan National University and Konkuk University, right?”
Soleum nodded. “Yeah, the others are kinda far…. I mean, Seoul is far, too, but y’know.”
“But I’m there!” Saheon said in a cute voice.
“Shaddup! You don’t gotta say it like that.”
“Like what, Sol-ie?”
“Don’t call me that, and you’re so annoying,” he grumbled, crossing his arms with a pout.
Saheon cackled over the line. “Alright, alright. Well, I better be the first person you tell when you decide.”
“Sure,” he mumbled and he pretended butterflies weren't tickling his insides.
—-
“Soleum, I’m gonna head to the market; wanna come with?” His dad poked his head into his room where he was laying on his stomach, flipping through the newest edition of his favorite manga that had come in the mail.
“Oh, sure!”
Soleum quickly scrambled up, slipping into proper attire.
Because third-years were done with school, Soleum was at home during the day so he and his parents were able to spend more time together. It was often that his father would ask him to go to the store or post office with him since he worked from home.
After he shoving his feet into his boots, he met his father outside.
“It’s gettin’ colder.”
“Yup, you’re right for puttin’ boots on. It’ll start gettin’ icy soon as winter comes.”
Soleum agreed. The air was starting to turn even colder and crisper than in autumn. In addition, the wind was picking up a bit, blowing the sea air into the town. They didn’t get a lot of snow down in the south but they got fog and ice regularly. There was also the possibility of hail every now and again when storms came by.
He pulled his jacket tighter around him. Going to the market was always a two hours long process at least. His father knew most of the people who sold things there after living here for thirty years, so he inevitably would start chatting with everyone he bought something from. Soleum could never imagine doing that.
Due to his more mature appearance, ever since he was a kid people treated him like an adult which meant that he also got dragged into conversations, even though he’d rather just hold the basket and pocket the receipts while his father did the socializing.
“So, Kim Soleum, I hear you’re graduatin’ soon, eh? What university are ya goin’ to?”
“Yes. Um, I’m not sure yet where I’m goin’.”
“Kim Soleum, it’s been so long. Is school treating you well?”
“Yes, I finished just a few weeks ago. My graduation’s on the 14th.”
“Look at you, helppin’ ya father with the groceries. If only ma son were like ya.”
“Haha, you’re too kind….”
Frankly it was exhausting for him. By the time they were walking back, Soleum felt his social battery was more drained than his physical energy even though he was carrying pounds of fish and vegetables.
“You got crab?” He noticed, as he was adjusting his grip on the bags.
“Yeah, ya mother wanted to make some gejang. You like that right?”
“Yeah, it’s one of my favorites.”
“I knew you were my son,” he said with a boisterous laugh.
They placed the groceries in the kitchen and then Soleum went and hung his jacket up.
“So, kid, I know you’ve already heard this a lot from everyone in the neighborhood, but how’s the college decision goin’?”
He held back a sigh. That was all people seemed to ask these days. He placed the celery for Brown in the vegetable drawer.
“I dunno. Objectively for marketin’ Konkuk University is more well known, but it’s just so far from home.”
His father nodded sympathetically. “Y’know, if you ever get homesick, we’ll just be one call away. Ma and I were plannin’ on gettin’ you a phone for Christmas so you don’t have to worry about that.”
A warm feeling swelled in his heart.
“Really?”
“Of course. Kid, if that’s the only thing that’s stopping you from going to Seoul, I want you to know that your mother an I would visit you every weekend if that’s what you wanted.”
He felt tears well up in his eyes.
“Thanks, Pa.”
His father pulled him into a big hug. “Ha, you’ve always been such a crier.”
“D-don’t make fun of me,” he stuttered, but the tears still fell into his fathers sweater, darkening the fabric.
𓂃.ᐟ
Saheon had been thinking. Soleum’s biggest hurdle with his college decision seemed to be that he didn’t want to be far from home. Saheon didn’t understand the sentiment, but what he did understand is that, outside of PNU vs Konkuk University, it was him vs Soleum’s hometown. That’s why Saheon had been thinking.
He had to prove he was better than an entire town. It wouldn’t be too hard.
The plans he had come up with so far were, 1, confessing his love to Soleum and begging (a town couldn’t do that), 2, continuously talking about all the awesome stuff they could do in Seoul and plan stuff for them to do so he got enthralled by Seoul (turns it into Seoul vs town which was probably a better chance), and 3, he visits Soleum to give him a little taste of what it would be like in Seoul with him, and then he would realize he couldn’t live without him and they ride into the sunset, happily ever after.
Could you see why he got into SNU? Very smart.
Saheon sighed, tossing the paper he’d been writing his ideas down on into the trash.
Ugh, like any of this is going to work.
Honestly, he’d already been doing plan 2— talking about all the cool places in Seoul and how excited he was to go there, but Soleum didn’t seem to budge. Plan 1 wasn’t actually a plan, more like he desperate last attempt, so plan 3 was where he was focused now.
A trip to Soleum would either be an hour long flight or a six hour train ride, both of which would leave him an hour or two outside his town. And, of course, having never traveled before, this was a daunting prospect.
He decided to bring it up to Soleum later that evening when they called.
—-
“Hey, Sol-ie, mind if I ask you something?” As a lull came up in their conversation about how the cold sucked ass, Saheon took a deep breath of courage and spoke up.
“Huh? Shoot.”
“What do you think about me visiting you over winter vacation? It can just be for a few days, but since we’re both off and I thought it might be nice.”
He held his breath.
“Like, you come over to my town? And stay here?”
“Uh, yeah?”
There was a moment of silence.
Then Soleum said in a breathy tone. “Um, yeah, no, yeah, that sound great. Super fun, um, I’d like that lots.”
Saheon almost froze up. he genuinely didn’t think he’d get this far.
“Really?”
“Sure, why not? This isn’t the first time we’ve thought of meeting up.”
“Right, yeah. Okay, well do you want to plan it now?”
“Gimme a sec.” Soleum seemed to walk away from the computer.
Saheon leaned back in his seat, a grin splitting across his face. This was it, he was actually doing it!
“Alright, I’m back. I was just checking with Pa to make sure we didn’t have any plans this break.”
“Okay. Well, I don’t have anything so I can come over whenever.”
“It’ll be more expensive around Christmas so earlier would be better. When do you graduate?”
“On the 12th.”
“What? Like in three days?”
Saheon laughed. “Yeah. That’s why I’m bringing this up. I’m a free man as of then.”
“Until March.”
“Don’t reminded me,” he groaned.
“Haha, ‘kay, so if you come down the week of 17th then you should miss the expensive tickets in, though out might be a little much….”
“I’ll just come earlier!”
Soleum hummed. “Well, I’m not graduating till the 14th….”
“So? I can come to your graduation.”
“Huh?! W-Why?”
“Why not? It’s not like it’ll be boring. It’s for you after all.”
Saheon smiled as he could hear Soleum’s brain speed running what to say. He loved making Soleum flustered, it was as close as he was ever going to get to making him blush for him.
“S-Shaddup. Fine, you can come on the 14th or 13th then, and be gone by the 18th. 13th will be cheaper since it’s a Thursday.”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll probably take the train to Jinju and then catch a cab or something to yours.”
“Jinju’s far. I’ll come pick you up. And don’t worry about a motel, they aren’t great here. You can just sleep in my room on a futon.”
Oh. Oh. “In your room?”
“Uh, yeah, ‘s that okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course, haha….”
Soleum cleared his throat. “Well, get your tickets, and make sure it all works. Are you going to okay coming here, through? I know you don’t have a phone.”
Saheon sighed, running a hand through his hair. “It’s fine. I’ll be getting one soon but I don’t need one for this. If something happens to the train I’ll call you on an emergency phone.”
“Oh, I meant like with your parents.”
“…I don’t need to call them. It’s just a week.”
“Right.” Soleum let out a little laugh. “We’re real diff’rent, y’know. I could only convince myself to do to Konkuk University if my parents agreed to call me every night, but you’re off on your own the day after you graduate.”
Saheon sat up straight. “You’re coming to Seoul?”
“Huh? Yeah. Did I forget to tell you?”
“Yes?!”
Soleum bursted out laughing.
“Stop laughing! How could you forget to tell me?”
But he just kept laughing to the point where Saheon couldn’t keep the smile off of his face.
“Idiot. Can’t believe you’re already forgetting me.”
Soleum wheezed. “As if I could, asshole.”
Well, he didn’t need his plans anymore. But whatever, it was never really about that, was it?
𓂃.ᐟ
Every day since Saheon had spontaneously decided that he would come visit Soleum, Soleum had gotten an e-mail in the morning marking the number of days till they saw each other. Anyone would think it was a countdown to some monumental date and not just them meeting in person.
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: 4!!!!!
It’s starting to get too cold to swim :( I’ve started going on morning runs instead. If we ever room together/near each other I’m gonna force you to run with me. Watch out! My class is having an end of the year party and I reaaaaaally don’t want to go but I have to so no evening call today, sighhhhh ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:4!!!!!
Haha. What a funny joke. (I will literally murder you if you do that XD)
Why do you have to go? I didn’t go to mine last weekend…
Bye ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:4!!!!!
I don’t want to leave a bad last impression :/ I might run into them in the future + everyone knows everyone here so it’s better to just say bye to everyone at the party and not have to deal with a bunch of people catching me in the street like “why weren’t you there??” You know? ]
—-
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: 3!!!!
The party was so stupid dude I hate all those people so much!!!!! Also I slept on it and, yes, I do still think you could make it big by taking videos and photos of Brown and posting them. Trust me, everyone is starting to do this stuff. Graduation rehearsal today BOOOOOOO, your’s is tomorrow, right? I’ll tell you how boring it is and if you’ll sleep through it LOL ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:3!!!!
Ugh that sucks, but at least it’s over yk?
Yeah mine’s tomorrow :P How did you know I planned to sleep through it?????
LOL I won’t even have Brown in like two months so……
Bye ]
—-
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: 22222
Graduation is gonna be so boring and long, it’s too bad I can’t take you with me to keep me company. My whole family is coming because, yk, everyone lives in this village LOL Good thing though is that everyone’s bringing me presents AND I get lots of good food so I’ll deal with it. ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:22222
Shut up. You literally get to come to mine, bring me some pictures or smthin
Food and presents, always good but don’t be too greedy >:T or if you are bring me some!!!!!!!
Bye ]
—-
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: 1
How ominous… 1 day. It’s been so long I don’t even remember what the countdown was for…. JK LOL Guess who’s heading to the train station soon???? My sister’s driving me cuz my dad is pissed so she’s making me buy her a souvenir. We gotta go somewhere with some fun stuff for her, remember that!! ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:1
Uhhhhh I’ll take you to the boardwalk or smthin, they sell tourist stuff there
Remember, if something happens call my father’s phone so we know. Don’t get off at the wrong stop and get lost!
Also since you’re getting here today it should be D-Day, not 1 IDIOT
Bye ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:1
Rude, only I get to call you idiot, idoit. Also, I didn’t miscount, I was just counting down to your graduation, obviously ]
[ From: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Re:1
Riiiiiight, obvs
Bye ]
—-
And suddenly, he was in the passenger seat of his family’s car that was trudging along the old gravel roads up to Jinju to pick up Saheon from the train station.
It was cold, and late. The sun was already starting to lower itself in the sky and even with the heater on in the car, he still had his jacket on. He hoped the train was warm.
Soleum checked his father’s phone, again. He wasn’t able to put it down for more than five minutes with glancing at it to make sure an unknown number hadn’t called them. If something happened to Saheon on his way over and he missed his call, leaving him stranded somewhere, he would feel terrible.
“I’m sure he’s fine, Soleum-ah,” he father said, as if reading his son’s mind. “He seems like an independent kid, I’m sure he can manage himself.”
“You’re the one who insisted we give ‘im your number,” Soleum mumbled, closing the phone.
“It’s just a precaution. I don’t think anythin’s gonna happen.”
Soleum nodded, but he still checked the phone until the radio fizzled out and they lost reception.
He sighed. His father quickly glanced over at him.
“Are you feelin’ all right?” He asked, eyes back on the empty road.
“Hm, yeah.”
“You’re not nervous?” He seemed surprised.
“I am. A little. But it’s not a bad nervous. Why?”
“i just thought, since you’d never met this kid before, you might be a bit scared. You’ve always kept to yourself at school so this seems like a big change to me.”
Soleum hummed. “I guess. But he’s different from everyone at school.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I dunno, he just is….” Soleum leaned his head against the window, letting the cold glass cool his forehead. “I think you’ll like him, too, Pa. He’s polite.”
At least to the people he wants to be polite to, Soleum thought to himself, smiling.
His father nodded with a little huff. “I trust your judgment. I’m glad you’re this excited about meeting someone.”
“Yeah.” Me too.
—-
They arrived at Banseong Station only a few minutes late, but Soleum was stressed.
“Here! Just drop me off here and go park. I’ll find him and we’ll meet you at the entrance.”
“It won’t take that long—”
“Please?” Soleum already had his hand on the door handle.
His father pressed his lips together but then let out a big sigh and waved his hand. “Alright, alright. You boys better be there in fifteen minutes. Call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks Pa!” Soleum grinned and hopped out of the car, his photo of Saheon gripped tightly in his pocket, though he knew he wouldn’t need it.
He entered the grey building, the doors causing wind to make his hair fly all over. His heart was beating fast. Saheon was here, somewhere in the same building as him. It was surreal.
A train pulled out of the station, causing a thunderous sound to fill the space. People mingled about. Some running to their platform, other’s hugging goodbye to their loved ones, and some standing around confused, looking between their ticket and the signs above.
Soleum swallowed thickly and gripped his photo in his pocket hard enough to wrinkle it.
He quickly navigated his was to the ticket booth, where they had agreed to meet in case Soleum was late and missed the disembarking.
He felt like he was looking for a needle in a haystack. Brown curly hair, hazel eyes, lightly tanned skin… Soleum didn’t know how tall he was, nor what his clothes looked like. If he was wearing a hat he would disappear into the crowd like any other stranger.
Panic started rising in his throat. Was this all a bad idea? What if his father was right to be worried? Who was he to think that this would special, that Saheon wouldn’t think he’s a huge weirdo and leave after seeing him?
Just as his eyes were going to tear up, a hand placed itself timidly on his shoulder.
With a soft gasp, he whipped around.
Ah. It’s him.
Curly hair thrown about by the wind, skin turned red from the cold, wide eyes and thin, long lips. A face that he’d only ever seen in a small 2 by 3 cheaply printed colored photo and in his dreams. Soleum felt like the world had stopped for a split second, and let the second still passed in the blink of an eye.
The man that stood in front of him had a small look of surprise on his face before composing himself and giving a charismatic smile. He took the hand that had grabbed Soleum’s shoulder and extended it in the motion of a handshake.
“Hi, Kim Soleum, right?”
𓂃.ᐟ
“Huh? U-uh, yeah. Yeah! Um, Baek Saheon?” Soleum, seemingly caught off guard, blinked quickly and rushed to awkwardly shake Saheon’s hand.
Saheon let out a small chuckle. “Yup. Nice to finally meet you.”
“Yeah, nice to meet ya, too….” His gaze flickered between Saheon and his feet. Saheon almost felt a little bad. He’d feel worse if Soleum wasn’t so cute.
”Sorry, sorry, that was a bit formal, huh? I just wasn’t sure if it was you, you know?”
Soleum laughed awkwardly, that wheezing laugh he does where it sounds like it’s stuck in his throat. “Yeah. Uh, no problem, I get it.”
Saheon just smiled.
“Lemme help you with that,” he blurted, fumbling around, to take as many bags from Saheon as he could, though he only had two.
“It’s alright, I can carry them,” he said, but Soleum insisted, slinging the backpack over his shoulder and holding his duffle bag in the other.
“You’d to carry them all day. I can handle just carryin’ ‘em out the station.”
He looked so determined that Saheon just nodded and motioned for him to lead the way.
Soleum was pretty much exactly like how he’d imagined him. Like a newborn deer that didn’t quite know what to do with itself, but he also had a rugged aspect to him that had surprised Saheon for a moment when he’d first laid eyes on him.
Not only was Soleum a little taller than him, but he also exuded a presence of maturity and confidence when he was standing still that completely contradicted what he acted like.
Actually, his awkwardness might come off as being standoff-ish with those looks.
Obviously, Saheon had practically memorized the little yearbook picture he’d received in the mail, but it did nothing to truly show the sharpness he seemed to hold in real life.
Soleum glanced over at him, eyes downcast. “Stop lookin’ at me like that.”
Saheon had told himself he wouldn’t tease him too much, after all it would come off differently in person, but he just couldn’t help himself.
“What, I’m not allowed to admire you? You’re much more handsome in person, you know?”
Soleum flushed red. “S-Shaddup. Ugh, you’re exactly like y’are online.”
Saheon grinned. “Thanks.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
“It was to me, Sol-ie.”
Soleum just started walking faster.
Saheon laughed to himself and then jogged to catch up.
The cold air hit them as they left the station.
Saheon squinted to avoid his eyes drying out.
“Pa should meet us outside, he’s just parkin’,” Soleum mumbled.
Saheon nodded, and sure enough as soon as they walked down the stairs, a tall man with stubble and thin glasses came up to them.
“You must be Baek Saheon. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said, shaking Saheon’s hand. “I’m Kim Jongsoo.”
“The pleasure’s all mine, thank you for letting me visit,” he quipped, using his the smile and tone that came naturally to him around strangers.
Kim Jongsoo released his hand, seemingly pleased with Saheon’s response, and turned to Soleum.
“Can ya handle all that?”
“Yeah, it’s not heavy.”
“Alright, I’m over this way.”
As they followed Soleum’s father to the parking lot, Saheon bumped shoulder with Soleum.
“If it’s not heavy I don’t see why you have to carry it,” he said in a hushed voice.
Soleum gave him a little glare. “Just lemme be polite.”
“Since when was that something we did?”
Soleum just huffed and didn’t answer him. Saheon let out a laugh. It was a joke, but he also knew when it had started. The strange a gap between them ever since the little fight they’d had. It wasn’t just politeness, it was also being overly conscious of the other person. For Saheon it was because he had a crush on Soleum, but wasn’t sure why Soleum was acting that way.
He shook it off. Soleum was probably just mimicking him to make sure he wasn’t making him uncomfortable.
He glanced over at Soleum and they made eye contact briefly before Soleum quickly looked away.
His face was red from the cold.
Saheon furrowed his brows. “You should have brought a scarf, it’s too cold.”
Soleum’s eyes widened slightly. “It’s fine. I’m not a fan of scarfs anyway.”
Frowning, Saheon took of his scarf and wrapped it around Soleum’s neck. “Deal with it, at least until the car.”
Soleum cleared his throat and surprisingly didn’t retort. “F-fine.”
Saheon raised an eyebrow. “I thought for sure you were going to throw it back at me saying that now I didn’t have a scarf.”
Soleum started reaching for the scarf but Saheon quickly grabbed his wrist. “I’m joking, I’m joking! Keep it.”
Soleum rolled his eyes, but buried his face into the scarf.
Saheon sat to look away, scratching the back of his head as blush rose in his cheeks.
How was he going to survive four more days of this?
—-
The 50 minute drove back to Soleum’s place was filled with Soleum’s father asking Saheon question after question. Saheon was fine with it, it seemed like he was simply curious about him, but Soleum seemed mortified every time his father opened his mouth.
“I’m so sorry ‘bout that,” he sighed as he finally closed the door to his room, leaving his father on the other side.
Saheon shrugged. “It was fine. No one really asks about college in my village so it was actually kind of fun to talk about it.”
“Really? That’s all anyone asks me about here.”
Soleum placed Saheon’s bags at the foot of his bed. “Our couch pulls out into a queen bed so you’ll sleep there but we can do all that after dinner.” He flopped down on his bed with a sigh.
Saheon sat down next to him, leaning back on his hands.
Soleum looked so pretty. He knew men didn’t like the word pretty, but he couldn’t think of a better one to encapsulate his long lashes, plush lips, rosy cheeks, and long neck.
Soleum peaked an eye open. “You’ve got a starin’ problem, man.”
“Do I?” He asked innocently.
Soleum just grunted. “Watcha thinkin’ ‘bout?”
Saheon hummed. “Not much. Just how crazy it is that I’m here with you.”
Soleum smiled slightly at that. “Yeah. Me, too.” He brought his hands up to his face, playing with the fabric of Saheon’s scarf that was still around his neck. “T-this is gonna sound so stupid, but this mornin’ I was thinkin’ ‘bout the fact that I didn’t know what ya looked like when you smiled or when you frowned, and then I learned both in just a few minutes of meetin’ ya.”
Saheon let out a laugh. “Well, I hope you we weren’t disappointed.”
“Of course not! If anythin’ you’d be the disappointed one….”
Saheon raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, I’m so awkward in person and I say things and do things without thinkin’ sometimes… and you’re just so diff’rent, not all southern like me.”
“What? I love your dialect, I think it’s cute— cool, I think it’s cool. And you were plenty awkward online, too, you should be more worried about that.”
Soleum did him to courtesy of not acknowledging his slip up and just gave him a glare. “Gee, thanks.”
He then sat up as Saheon held back another laugh. He hadn’t laughed this much in a longtime.
“Let’s go see Brown. It’s time for him to eat and he usually becomes friendlier after a meal.”
“What, will he bite me?” Saheon half-joked.
Soleum looked at him, dead serious. “I’ll give you some gloves, actually.”
Saheon suddenly got worried about his hands’ well-being. Oh, the things he would do with this guy.
𓂃.ᐟ
Soleum didn’t sleep well. Firstly, Saheon was sleeping just one room over. Secondly, Saheon was sleeping just one room over. Thirdly, Saheon was sleeping just. One. Room. Over.
Oh, and he was graduating.
When he was brushing his teeth, he could see his eye bags dark in the mirror. The purplish skin under and on the insides of his eyes made him look like a walking corpse. Saheon, who had woken up early and apparently gone on a morning walk with his father, for some reason, made this well known as he came down for breakfast.
“You look like a zombie.”
“Mornin’ to you, too,” he grumbled.
His mother placed a mug with warm tea in front of him. “Oh, honey, did you not sleep well?”
He shook his head groggily. Why was everyone in his life an early riser? What kind of curse was this?
“It’s fine, graduation’s in an auditorium anyway, no one’s gonna see my face.”
Saheon seemed to disagree from the way he raised his eyebrow skeptically, but he didn’t push; he was a guest, after all.
His mother also pursed her lips but she, too, decided to not force her son to wear concealer.
“Alright, well don’t be late.”
She kissed her husband on the cheek and grabbed her jacket.
“I’ve gotten excused from work after lunch today, so I’ll meet you outside the office.”
He nodded. “Alright, have a good day.”
“Bye, Ma.”
“Goodbye, thank you for the tea.”
When she left, Saheon got up and started cleaning both his and his father’s dishes.
“Oh, thank you. Your friend’s got good manners, you could learn from him.”
Saheon smirked at him for behind his father’s back.
Soleum narrowed his eyes but nodded. “Sure.”
After he finished eating, Saheon collected his dishes, too, which Soleum quickly snatched back.
“Who’re you tryin’ to show off, too?” He grumbled as he rinsed out his bowl.
Saheon who was standing next to him just shrugged. “No one, I’m just super nice.”
“Uh-huh, sure.”
“I’m offended, Sol-ie. How do you really see me?”
Soleum just huffed. “Whatever.”
Saheon laughed. “Well, either way, it’s a big day for your family and they’re having to take care of me, too, so it’s only right I help around.”
Soleum just looked down, trying to hide the way his cheeks were turning red. “It’s not that big of a deal. Didn’t you hate your graduation?”
“Yeah, but that’s just because I hate that village and everyone in it.”
He peeked over at Saheon. A small sneer was carved into his face. He looked away. “Why d’you hate ‘em so much anyway?”
“Everyone there is the same. They hate anyone who’s different, and… I guess the fact they’re so closed off pisses me off more. You know, I didn’t even know that we were an hour away from Seoul until I went to take the CSAT. My whole life, I couldn’t even point at my own village on a map, and they expect me to want to stay there?”
Wrinkles formed between his eyebrows. Soleum wanted to smooth them out with his thumb. But he couldn't, so instead he said: “I’m sorry. I see why you wanted to get away now.”
Saheon sighed. “Yeah. It’s fine, though. I’m sure they’ll come around one day, but for now I just need to put some space between us.”
Soleum nodded, and placed his dishes on the drying rack.
“Uh, I dunno if I’m being too pushy, sorry. But, just know I’m here for ya.”
Saheon smiled and ruffled his hair.
“W-what?”
“Haha, nothing. I just wanted to do that.”
Flattening his hair, he glared at Saheon. “i take back what I said; I’m never there for you.”
—-
“Everyone, quiet down!” The principle raised his voice as the graduating class all huddled in the cold outside the back door of the auditorium. “Right now all of your family and friends are inside waitin’ for you. Now, just like we practiced, enter in pairs and go to your seats, and please no talkin’ until the ceremony’s over.”
A mumbled “Yes, sir” rose from the mob.
The principle smiled and nodded. “Alright, and students? I’m very proud of you. You’ve all worked very hard to be here today, so go and get your diplomas.”
Everyone grinned, small cheers coming from here and there as the door opened.
Soleum was eighth alphabetically so he entered fourth with his partner. Clapping and cheering erupted from the audience as they entered. He hated the attention but tried to keep at least a small smile on his face. He searched for his parents and Saheon but couldn’t find them in the crowd. He hoped they could at least see him.
Sitting down in his seat, he adjusted his cap that a classmate had bobby-pinned to his hair as she had brought a bunch, knowing none of the boys would think about bringing hairclips.
The principle walked up on stage and everything quieted down.
As the man started his speech, Soleum felt an itch to turn around. He wished he knew where his family was sitting. Was Saheon alright? Soleum knew he didn’t have a problem with his parents or anything, but being in a new place without the one person you know could still be uncomfortable. He also didn’t know any of the other kids, unlike his parents.
Soleum sighed. Maybe he should have insisted that Saheon come after his graduation. It was also embarrassing that the third outfit Saheon would even see him in was this ugly navy cap and robe. He’d seen himself in the mirror, he looked atrocious. Navy made him look pale, as his mother said.
Applause suddenly bursted from the seats around him and he started clapping too. The principle moved to the back of the stage and motioned for the valedictorian to speak.
Soleum had almost been the valedictorian, but he hadn’t wanted to give a speech so he discussed with the principle and showed how his classmate had gotten better grades than him in their first year. The principle had tried to get him agree to being a co-valedictorian but Soleum declined. He felt a bit bad, knowing that the poor guy just wanted an article to be written about their school. Maybe one day, but it wouldn’t be about him.
He knew he might have seemed snobbish, turning down an opportunity like that, but there was no point in doing something that he didn’t want to do at a ceremony that was supposed to be all joyous.
In truth, Soleum wasn’t anxious. He was anxious about going on stage and falling on his face, but not about the fact that the whole life he had known until then was about to be over the second he received his diploma.
Maybe it was because even if he had missed the graduation he still would be delivered the diploma — the ceremony is really a formality — or maybe it was because no matter what happened, in two months, he was gone from this place. In a way, he was starting to understand what Saheon felt.
Moving away was liberating.
“First row, please stand up.”
Hushed whispers flickered between the audience members, trying to get ready to photograph their kid when they went up.
Soleum felt like he was just about to go on a morning walk. Except he did wish he’d covered his dark circles. Would they show in the photos? He hoped not, though Saheon would probably joke that it was just showing his authentic self.
“Kim Soleum!”
His feet seemed to move on his own as he squeezed passed the row of kids and walked onto the auditorium stage. He shook hands with what seemed like a stage’s worth of people and then: “Congratulations, Kim Soleum. You are officially a high school graduate.”
He shook the hand of his principal and was handed his diploma, a large thick folder with one piece of paper in it.
Claps rang through out the space as he slowly descended from the stage.
He’d forgotten to smile.
Everyone else passed in a blur. It was strange, how he’d spent four years in high school with these people — some even longer in junior high — and yet, he couldn’t think of even one of them for whom he genuinely cheered for instead of just his steady stream of clapping.
“Now, graduating class of 2002, please stand up and face the people who have come here to celebrate you.”
Soleum stood up and turned around. Everyone was waving to their families who were taking pictures and waving back.
Where are they? Soleum’s eyes flickered about, looking for his father’s short hair, his mother’s bob, that head of curly brown—
“Sol-ie! Over here!”
Whipping his head around, he made eye contact with the man standing on a chair in the back row.
Ah….
His eyes heated up with tears.
”Dumbass… causing a scene like that,” he mumbled to himself, but his face was still smiling wide.
He gave a shy little wave back and Saheon hopped down, replaced by the hands of his parents taking photos of him from way above their heads.
He sniffed, trying to keep the tears in until they all threw their caps and everything turned into a mess.
“You have all come so far, through hard work and sleepless nights, and it is my greatest honor to say: class of 2002, you are officially graduated!”
Grabbing his cap, he ripped it out of his hair, pins flying, and tossed it.
Shouts and laughter exploded around him as his classmates hugged, but he didn’t even wait for his cap to come back down.
Where are they?
Making his way to the back of the auditorium, suddenly, a pair of strong arms wrapped around him, and the tears wouldn’t stay in any longer.
”Pa!” He bawled, hugging his father.
”Congratulations, kid, I’m so proud of you,”
His mother ran her fingers through his hair, getting his bangs out of his face and pulling a couple bobby pins out, too. “Congrats, Soleum-ah.”
The three of them stood there, all of them with tears in their eyes, holding each other.
When Soleum finally stopped crying, Saheon handed him a tissue.
“Thanks,” he said, nose still stuffed.
“So, Mr. I-don’t-care-about-graduation, looks like you do care.”
“Shaddup… I don’t I just, I just saw you guys a-and….”
As his eyes welt up again, Saheon quickly pressed another tissue into his hand. “Sorry, sorry, I’ll make fun of you later.”
Soleum gave him a light slap on the shoulder but Saheon just let out a cackle.
“Here, for you two.” Saheon offered a couple paper tissues to his parents, too, which his father tried to use to get Soleum’s tear stains out of his shirt.
“Sorry….”
“It’s alright, it’ll come out after a wash, after all.”
“You’re so messy, Sol-ie,” Saheon joked.
Soleum just glared at him with a huff.
When Saheon went to throw away the tissues — after much insistence that he should do it since he was the guest — his mother pulled him into a side hug, resting her head on his shoulder.
“Baek Saheon’s a nice kid.”
“Yeah.”
“I like him.”
“He was climbin’ on chairs….”
She laughed. “Yes, that’s true, but he only does that stuff for you.” She kissed his temple. “I’m glad you’ve someone like him.”
Soleum nodded. He can tell she just doesn’t want him to be lonely in college, but he doesn’t say anything. It was true, after all. Soleum did have Saheon, and he would hopefully keep him.
𓂃.ᐟ
Saheon sighed. He’d woken up early, his body train to wake up for his morning exercise, but instead he was just laying there, staring at the ceiling. It was a Saturday, so Soleum’s parents hadn’t woken up yet either, and they probably wouldn’t until the sun rose.
He sat up, looking around the living room. Maybe there was something for him to read. Or he could start breakfast, but that felt like too much of an invasion as a guest.
Standing up, he tiptoed his way to the bathroom. If he can’t sleep he might as well make sure he is ready whenever Soleum decides to wake up.
He washed his face, brushed his teeth, and fixed his hair, only exiting the bathroom a half hour later.
“Ah, mornin’,” Kim Insook said as she spotted him. She was brewing tea in the kitchen. “Would you like some?” She asked, motioning to the kettle.
“Yes, please,” he said with a smile. “Is there anything I can help with?”
“Oh, no, it’s alright. You just sit down at the table.”
“Ah, alright.” However, he felt uncomfortable sitting there.
He’d been to classmates’ houses often and he’d gotten into the habit of doing anything he could to not spend time with his classmate. It was more comfortable for him to make small talk with adults than really bond with kids his age whom he just found irritating. But now, he felt like he had to always be helping out and moving. Kim Insook seemed to notice because she piqued up.
“If you’d like you could go feed Brown. Usually Soleum’s father or I will when Soleum sleeps in, but if he didn’t attack you yesterday then you can do it.”
Saheon nodded. “Um, alright. What do I give him?”
”Just take a handful of the hay by his cage and put it in the trough. You can refill the water too, if you’d like.”
Saheon quickly got up. “Yes, I’ll go do that.”
As he left the kitchen he passed by the computer in the living room. He’d seen if when he’d helped set up the bed the other day but now that he thought about it, it was crazy that he was there, right where Soleum had answered all his e-mails from.
Glancing towards the kitchen, he made his way to the desk and sat down, hands lightly touching the keyboard. It was stupid how exhilarating it was.
A scratching sound came from behind him. Brown was staring at him from between the bars of his cage that he slept in.
Is that rabbit judging me?
He huffed and got up. He crouched in front of Brown. “I’m not doing anything creepy, you know.”
The rabbit obviously didn’t believe him.
Sighing, he opened the bag of hay and gave Brown a handful. He then took the water bottle out of the cage and went and filled it.
Brown gobbled down on the grass.
“Ungrateful,” he mumbled to himself.
“Hm? Who’re ya talkin’ to?” A groggy voice called out from behind him.
Saheon tried not to tease at how cute Soleum looked with his hair all over the place, rubbing his face.
“Nothing, just your pet.”
“Ah, yeah, it feels like he can hear ya, right?”
“Sure.”
A silence settled between them as they watched Brown chew on his hay.
“Hey, wanna play video games?”
Saheon looked up at Soleum, slightly surprised. “Do you wanna play?”
He shrugged. “Everythin’ fun around here’s too busy on the weekends. Also, I gotta see what you do to keep beatin’ me.”
Saheon grinned. “You keep your eyes as pealed as you want, it’s just skill.”
Soleum narrowed his eyes. “If you say so. Let’s eat first, Brown made me hungry.”
“Really? The grass made you hungry?”
“Shaddup.”
—-
The two of them spent the morning playing games and — after Soleum’s mother told them to go outside — visiting the library and playground nearby. After renting The Way Home from the library that Saheon insisted Soleum had to watch, the two made it back for dinner.
Soleum managed to convince his parents to let them eat on Saheon’s pull out bed so that they could watch the movie while eating. It turns out that was a bad idea because they ended spilling rice all over the blanket and had to pause the movie anyway to take everything apart and wash it.
“At least you’re sleepin’ in clean sheets,” Soleum sighed as he laid down on them, exhausted from retucking everything back under the mattress.
“Yeah, at least.”
“Hey, if you’re up early ‘gain tomorrow, wake me up, too. We can go on a run, or whatever it is you do when it’s still dark out.”
Saheon snorted. “You said you’d kill me if I did that.”
Soleum rolled his eyes. “Okay, well, that’s in university, this is now.”
“Okay, okay, just promise you won’t strangle me.”
“… Fine, I promise.”
Saheon grinned.
Still, though, he only woke Soleum up after the sun was up and he was right to as Soleum barely opened his eyes before mumbling into his pillow: “If you’d woken me up any earlier, I woulda killed ya.”
Saheon decided he might have to run on his own in college if he wanted to preserve his own life. He also made himself a mental note to never get on Soleum’s bad side.
—-
“Wanna go to the boardwalk tomorrow?” Soleum asked as he was waiting for his character to revive after being killed for the fifth time by Saheon.
“The boardwalk? Isn’t it too cold for that?”
“Just wear a jacket. You can find somethin’ for your sister there, and it’s the closest thing we have to beaches here.”
Saheon shrugged. “I mean, sure. Why not?”
“Cool. Also, stop killin’ me.”
In a way, is was nice just lazing around with Soleum. It felt like they were really friends— like real friends, some that went to school together, and bonded over their hated teachers, and fought over who got WASD versus who got the arrows, and spent the weekends at each other’s houses ignoring the homework they had to do. Of course, it wasn’t that, and it never would be, but the surprising quickness in which Saheon felt himself fall into Soleum’s rhythm, had his head spinning. If only he didn’t want to tuck the guy’s hair behind his ear when the wind blew it all about, or hold his hand when he saw his rubbing them together in the cold. If only he didn’t spend a minute staring at his sleeping face before waking him up, or sneak any opportunity he could to ruffle his always perfectly parted hair.
Saheon scrunched his nose. And if only he wasn’t jealous over a rabbit.
“Do you have to play with Brown on your lap?”
“Yes, I need some comfort to get me through these hard times.”
Brown was crouched in between Soleum’s crossed legs, meaning that Soleum had to sit further back and further away from Saheon so that the animal wasn’t crushed under the desk.
Saheon just wanted Soleum’s shoulder to brush against his every now and then, was that too much to ask?
Of course, he couldn't just say that, so instead he just cast glares towards the fluffy thing every time Soleum wasn't paying attention. It actually made his feel better, though self-reflection had never been his strong suit.
𓂃.ᐟ
The boardwalk, as he had predicted, was practically empty besides a couple families here and there with kids young enough to not have school. The cold was probably also a deterrent for most but today was actually on the warmer side hitting 10ºC when the clouds let the sun peak through.
“The last bus’s at 11 so that’s our only time frame. I told Pa that we’d be out for lunch.”
Saheon nodded. “Alright, works for me.”
The two started down the path, ogling at all the different tourist traps offering unique experiences and expensive shirts with cringy slogans. Soleum hadn’t been to the boardwalk since he was a kid, but he remembered the shops, unchanged.
“Wow,” Saheon exclaimed, looking at some name keychains hanging on a rotating display rack. “Who actually buys these?”
Soleum glanced around quickly to make sure there weren’t any employees around to hear Saheon.
“I dunno. Not me, I’ve never seen my name on one of these. They might have your name though.”
Saheon snorted. “Yeah, they’d be crazy to have your name.”
He gave him a light punch in the shoulder.
“Ow! And no, by the way, I’ve never seen my name either. It’s not a very common name, you know?”
“How would I know?”
Saheon shrugged. “Oh my God! We should get matching socks,” he said as he crossed to an adjacent display and grabbed the ugliest things Soleum had ever laid his eyes on.
“Or not.”
“Oh, come on, you’re no fun.”
Soleum rolled his eyes. He did kind of want to have something matching with Saheon — like couples — but it would not be those socks. “Pick something else. I’m vetoing this.”
“Fine, how about these? These are cute.”
Cute was an understatement; they were Cinnamoroll and Pompompurin socks full of little hearts and pastel colors.
“Ugh, fine. Only ‘cause I like you.”
Saheon laughed. “You’re so cute, Sol-ie.”
His heart skipped a beat. Would he say that if he knew how Soleum had meant it? Soleum shook his head. He shouldn’t think about it.
Grabbing the socks, he went to the register. “I’ll buy. If they were a gift from you, I’d actually feel like I’d have to wear ‘em.”
“Rude.”
Leaving the store, Soleum stuffed the Cinnamoroll socks in his pocket. Something Saheon had picked out for him… really, they were just too precious to wear.
They continued walking, mostly in comfortable silence except for when Saheon decided he wanted to drag them into another store. They ended up visiting a candy store, a wax museum, and a many, many more clothing shops full of tie-dye.
“Look, a mirror maze. We should do it!”
“Do we have to…? What if I get lost in there?”
Saheon rolled his eyes. “It’s made for little kids, Sol-ie. You’ll be fine.”
A slung his arm over Soleum’s shoulder and pulled him towards the entrance, paying the entrance fee before Soleum could get another word in.
Too close!
He slipped out from under his arm. “Fine, then we race, I’ll go right, you go left.”
Saheon raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever won a single competition against me before?”
Soleum ignored him. If there were two things he was confident in it was running and solving puzzles. And a maze was basically just that.
“You scared?”
Saheon snorted. “As if. You’re on.”
The two of them stood side by side and then, off they went.
Soleum hadn’t been in a mirror maze since he’d visited as a kid, but he got the hang of it quickly. Most people would probably walk slowly with their hands in front of them as the not run into the mirrors, but Soleum didn’t have time for that.
Soleum wasn’t very familiar with maze making so he had no expertise to go off from, meaning he had to do it instinctively. Thankfully the mirrors weren’t completely clean and things like fingerprints and other smudges made it easy to identify if he was about to walk into a mirror or if he could take a couple more steps.
Quickly, he’d made it far into the room. He knew he would likely run into Saheon at some point as there was only one exit but it happened sooner than he thought.
As he turned a corner, Saheon suddenly covered every mirror.
“Oh, there you are, Sol-ie. Looks like we’re on our way to a tie.”
Soleum narrowed his eyes, eyes flicking about.
Which was the real him?
With his hands in front of him, slightly more cautious, he moved forward, Saheon flitting in and out of his vision.
“Ah!” Suddenly he came into contact with something warm and firm.
Holy shit—
“Oh, jeez! Sorry!”
He quickly pushed himself away from Saheon’s chest, hitting his back against a mirror. Everywhere he looked he saw his own red face. This was so embarrassing.
Saheon cackled. “You should see your face, right now.”
I can, dumbass!
“Shaddup… and move, I need to beat you.”
Saheon crossed his arms. “You can’t win.”
“Oh yeah? And why not?”
Saheon smirked and then held up a piece of paper.
“No way. Where’d you get that?”
Saheon quickly put the answer sheet back into his pocket before Soleum could grab it.
“Should’ve looked at the parents section in the pamphlets,” he said with a shrug.
Soleum glared at him. “Cheater.”
“I don’t play fair, Sol-ie.” Sahoen flashed him one last smile before turning around, though he was still looking at him in the mirror. “See ya on the other side.”
Soleum hated how his cheeks were up in flames.
Even though he made his way through the maze as fast as he could, when he exited Saheon was standing outside, pamphlet in hand.
“Can’t you let me win anything?”
“What for? Are you going to give me a wish or something?”
Soleum sighed. “Whatever. Let’s just go get ice cream or food or something.”
“Ice for your sore pride, what a great idea.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t,” he singsonged, slinging his arm over Soleum’s shoulders again. He let him keep it there his time, letting the heat mingle between them.
No, I don’t.
—-
They ate lunch at some cheep, greasy, boardwalk dinner and then got some ice cream. They both picked vanilla, agreeing that it was the best flavor, and that mint chip tasted like toothpaste.
Soleum held Saheon’s ice cream as he went and bought some sea glass earrings for his sister. Soleum thought their green color matched his eyes well.
“If your sister has your eyes they’ll look good on her.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah.”
They bumped shoulders as they continued their walk. Was Soleum imagining it or was Saheon getting closer to him? Sure, he was touchy in general, but specifically today he’d been ruffling his hair and leaning on him and their hands seemed to brush more often than ever before. But he must be imaging in it. Because why would Saheon be doing that?
Sitting down on a bench, they watched the waves crash against the rocks below. Soleum tried to focus on his ice cream rather than the fact that their thighs were pressed against each other.
“Look, a seal,” Saheon said, pointing at a round gray head peaking above the waves.
“Oh my God, it’s so cute.”
Saheon raised an eyebrow. “You’d better wear those socks if you like cute things so much.”
“Animals are different.”
“Sure.”
The seal dipped back below the water and didn’t come back up. The wind swirled around them, leaves moving in spiral motions on the ground and salt filling the air.
It was peaceful— Soleum didn’t even mind that Saheon could probably feel his pulse racing.
I should come here more often.
“It’s probably too cold to swim, huh?” Saheon commented mournfully.
“What’re you, a fish?”
Saheon grinned. “Well, I was going to push you in, but, yeah, I guess I’d like to go in too.”
He shoved him, causing Saheon to double over, letting out a laugh.
“Asshole.” He huffed and leaned back as Saheon caught his breath.
As revenge, Saheon grabbed his ice cream and took a big lick. “Never let your guard down.”
“‘Round you? Never do.”
He snatched it back and licked his ice cream, because it wasn't a big deal that this was technically an indirect kiss, that was childish way to think about sharing germs.
“Uh, right,” Saheon breathed, looking away. Clearing his throat, he suddenly got up. “We should, uh, we should probably head back before the sun sets.”
“Oh, sure.” Why did he have to react like that? Now Soleum was feeling embarrassed. Maybe it was something everyone was conscious about, even with friends.
The walk back to the bus stop was... strange, to say the least. If felt like Saheon wanted to say something, but couldn't. It was possible that Soleum was overthinking things — he did that a lot, after all — but he was also sure that Saheon kept glancing over at him as they walked.
When Soleum gathered his courage and asked him if he had something to say: “Huh? No, just, um, excited to eat your mother’s cooking. I’ll miss it when I go back home, haha.”
Right. Saheon is gone tomorrow. Soleum was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of sadness. In his mind he’d made this week into a big moment, but really it was small. In a day, they would be on the opposite sides of the country again, like this had never happened. Was this what filled Saheon’s head too?
He swallowed thickly.
As the bus stop came into view, Soleum stopped, feet rooted and hands balled up into fists that gripped the hem of his shirt.
“Sol-ie? Are you okay?"
Soleum bit his lip.
“Um, yeah, but, sorry, I know you said that you don’t have anythin’ to say but I can’t shake the feelin’ that you do." He rubbed his arm. "Am I bein’ too sensitive?"
Saheon sighed. "No, you’re right. I guess I’m not a very good actor, huh?" He let out a little laugh.
Saheon scratched the back of his head and kicked at the ground.
“Ugh, this is really embarrassing so I’m just going to do it, but, could I, uh, could I hug you?”
Saheon wasn’t looking at him when he asked. He was to the side, off at something that couldn’t have been more important.
Soleum almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. So that was it? Doesn’t he know that Soleum would do way more than that if only he would ask?
“Sorry, that we probably weird, right? It’s just I’m going to be leaving and I’m going to miss all of this— Oh.”
Soleum wrapped his arms around Sahoen's torso and laid his chin over Sahon's shoulder.
After a brief moment of hesitation, Saheon lifted his arms and squeezed him back.
“Idiot,” Soleum huffed.
“Don’t call me an idiot, idiot.”
Saheon’s heat engulfed him, spreading through his chilled body. He could feel his pulse racing at every point of contact and even held his breath, not wanting to stir anything in the moment.
“Breathe, Sol-ie,” Saheon chuckled, pulling away.
“R-right.”
As the sun slowly decended in the sky, the air gold colder and Soleum's exhale showed like a cloud of snow in the space between them. They were so close. Soleum could see each individual eyelash hanging low over Saheon’s eyes. But Saheon didn’t move back, and neither did he. Like a moon orbiting its planet, he couldn't seem to take a step back. Like a magnet facing it’s opposite pole, he wanted to move forward.
A rumbling broke their eye contact and Soleum quickly snapped out of whatever trance he’d been put in. “Uh, the bus.”
Saheon smiled. “Mhm,” he hummed.
On the bus, they sat side by side, shoulders and thighs touching.
Soleum sat as still as possible but the bus jittered, constantly reminding him of their closeness. Saheon never did drop his smile.
Ever since they’d hugged, Soleum felt himself pushing this boundary between awkwardness and closeness. Saheon sat there like an open invitation but Soleum still wasn’t sure if he was allowed.
Slowly, he leaned his head onto Saheon’s shoulder. “‘M tired,” he slurred, heart beating at anything but a sleepy pace.
Saheon nodded, his chin ruffling Soleum’s hair. “Alright, I'll wake you when we get to our stop.”
“D’you even remember it?”
“I’ll manage.”
He should have felt guilty, making his friend do the navigation on his own but he didn’t, instead bathing in Saheon warmth and scent. He could be selfish just this once, right?
The sun started to set as the bus moved along; a warm glow cast itself upon them and Soleum wished the moment would never end.
𓂃.ᐟ
Saheon said goodbye to Soelum’s parents in the early morning, gratefully accepting a packed lunch from Kim Insook before she left from work.
“You can return the box when you see Soleum next,” she said with a smile.
Happiness stirred in his heart at that comment.
“I will, thank you.”
On the other hand, Soleum filled his whole morning with fretting. “Wouldn’t ya rather just fly home? It’s five hours shorter, y’know.”
“Ehhh, it isn’t that bad. I get on the train and only have two transfers, then take a couple busses to get out of Seoul.”
“Yeah, that’s a lot.”
“It’s fine,” he laughed.
“Fine, whatever,” Soleum grumbled. “Just don’t miss any of your stops.”
“I won’t, I won’t.”
With one last goodbye to Brown who was scurrying around the living room, happy that the couch had been folded back up, they left, Soleum again carrying Saheon’s bags.
Sahoen put his hands on his hips as Soleum threw his stuff in the back. “Haa, I’m gonna miss this place.”
Soleum snorted. “Why’re you actin’ like an old man, huh?”
Saheon sighed and draped himself over Soleum’s back. “Can’t I just stay here till school? I don’t want to go back home.”
“Too bad,” Soleum said heartlessly, closing the trunk. “You’ve gotta pack your stuff and say ‘bye’ properly to your family.”
Saheon sighed again, rightening himself. Soleum had stopped pushing him away whenever he leaned on him but Saheon tried not the read into it (he was definitely reading into it).
“Alright, since you say so. Let’s get going.”
Soleum hummed and they got into the car.
The drive was chilly and relatively silent as the radio sung on.
Soleum was a strict driver, never taking his eyes off the road, even if there wasn’t another car in sight, but Saheon looked at Soleum all he could. He tried to memorize the way his brow furrowed and the way his eyes flitted around, the way each hair fell and the way each breath sounded— everything impossible to remember, everything that he couldn’t get through a photo.
It felt like a goodbye, even though they’d be seeing each other in just a couple months. They already e-mailed everyday, nothing was going to change, and yet the distance felt worse than before. What’s the saying? It’s harder to let something go once you’ve had it than to never have it? Yeah, that.
He didn’t want to go back to his little village where he couldn’t wake up and be with Soleum. He didn’t want to have to wait to go eat lunch with him again, or have to call him on the computer to hear his voice.
“The next month is going to be terrible.”
“Really? Why?” Soleum didn’t even glance at him.
Saheon smiled. “Nothing, it’s just getting too cold.”
—-
Turns out there weren’t many people commuting on Tuesdays before noon, so the station wasn’t as packed as when Soleum had picked Saheon up. Neither of them had suggested that Soleum just drop him off, so they walked all the way from the parking lot together.
“How long?” Soleum asked as he put Saheon’s stuff down on a bench.
“Five minutes, if it’s on time.”
Soleum nodded, his face not revealing any emotion. “I see.”
He sat down, but Soleum stayed standing.
“Hey—”
“So—”
“Oh, you first.”
“Um, sure.” Soleum bit his lip. “Um, did, did ya mean it? What you said yesterday? That you’d miss this?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m gonna miss you a lot.”
“Oh.” Soleum looked away. “Okay, cool. I’ll, um, I’ll miss you, too.”
It came out in barely a whisper but Saheon heard it loud and clear. He grinned. “What was that?” He teased, knowing Soleum would just tell him to shut up.
“Um. I’ll miss you, too.”
Ah.
“Oh, yeah. Great.”
The two of them just bumbled like idiots, unable to look each other in the eyes. Saheon could feel how hot his skin was. In the end, Saheon grabbed Soleum’s wrist that was hanging in front of him. He leaned forward, touching his forehead to Soleum’s cool skin.
“Hey, it’s fine. We’ll see each other soon. We’ll just have to keep in touch like we did up until this week.”
“I know.”
An announcement called out the one minutes approach of Saheon’s train but he didn’t want to move. Soleum pulled his hand away, forcing Saheon to sit up straight.
“Hey, this is really dumb, but here.” Soleum dug into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. “I printed you another photo of me— just, you know, you said the other one got ruined and, uh, we wouldn’t want you to forget what I look like.”
Soleum’s lips were pressed together in a firm line and his thumb was white from how tight he was holding the letter.
But Saheon just smiled and took the envelope gently, his heart fluttering.
“Thanks. I’ll take better care of this one.”
Soleum huffed and crossed his arms. “You’d better. And e-mail me right when you get home so I don’t worry.”
“Alright,” he said softly, watching as Soleum’s eyes started to glisten. He didn’t point it out, he knew Soleum didn’t want him to and this time he decided to respect that.
Getting up, he slung his backpack over his shoulder and grabbed his duffle bag.
“W-wait, I’ll take that to the door,” Soleum sniffed, taking the duffle bag from this hand and leading the way to Saheon’s platform.
The train pulled up with a blistering noise, leaving a wall of wind in its wake.
Soleum’s bangs flew all over the place, exposing his forehead that Saheon just wanted to lay a kiss on.
“Okay, you’ve got everythin’? You’ve your ticket?” Soleum fussed, personally placing the duffle over Saheon’s other shoulder.
“Everything but you,” he said slyly.
Soleum gave him a half-hearted shove.
“Dumbass.”
“Idiot.”
The doors opened and people started trickling out of the train.
Soleum sniffed again, hugging himself.
“Okay, just go, before I get too sad.” He didn’t smile and Saheon asked himself how it was that he was about to leave him behind. But he took a step away anyway.
“See you in Seoul, Sol-ie.”
“See ya, Saheon.”
And when he entered the warm cabin, Soleum behind him, he immediately found him through the window.
Soleum, too, was watching him.
He looked so cold and lonely. Saheon felt a pain growing in his heart.
Throwing his bags up onto the rack above his seat, he took a deep breath, holding the envelope carefully in his hand.
Nothing was ending, it was just going back to the way it was. Just one step back.
That’s all it was.
“Soleum!”
Running out of the train, he pulled Soleum in for one last hug. It was a brief moment, their bodies barely touched, and yet it felt like a million emotions were packed into it was Soleum instinctively gripped the back of his jacket.
“Sorry! Goodbye!”
He pulled himself away, feeling ten times colder than before, before running back onto the train as the doors closed.
He grinned at Soleum’s red face, standing in shock. Then he seemed to snap out for his trance as the doors closed, quickly waving towards Saheon.
“B-bye!” He cried out, though to Saheon it was muddled and quiet.
Saheon wished he’d held him for even a second longer.
“Bye, Saheon! Goodbye!”
Soleum kept shouting even as the train started to slowly roll forward, even once Saheon was moving so fast that the station blurred, and even once he was out in the middle of the grassy plains, he could hear Soleum calling out to him.
It took nothing but time for Soleum’s voice to fade out of his mind. He really left.
Finally letting out a heavy exhale, he relaxed into his seat, smile slowly falling from his face. Bringing the letter up to his face, he pressed the paper to his lips, breathing in the last of Soleum.
And the world kept spinning.