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Solana sat on her claimed futon and stared at the ocean-like fade beyond the glass here. It was late. She knew not from the darkness of the sky but from her own internal clock. The fade did not have a day and night cycle, which unnerved her. Usually, the fish facsimiles calmed her and reminded her of home but tonight, guilt held her in its claws and her brain looped everything that’s happened over the last few days.
She knew that it was an impossible choice. If she could split herself in two, she would’ve but did she really make such a difference in any fight that half her party failed solely because she wasn’t there? Was it really that simple? Was she really that important?
She’d already spoken to Varric and he told her not to panic. That she was given an incredibly difficult decision and she went with the choice that made the most sense to her at the moment.
It’s just morale with the team felt low since Solana decisions panned out. She made Harding the lead when she sent her and Bellara to support Neve. Harding already felt she had something to prove and expected more from herself after Solas’ ritual and now there was this loss. On top of that, Neve stayed behind in Docktown to help out and has been reluctant to accept their help. She and the Shadow Dragons needed to lick their wounds and grieve their losses.
No sleep was going to claim her tonight. Her brain was too active and her guilt too heavy. She stood and made her way out of her designated room and out into the main hall of the Lighthouse. Everything was quiet. There were just the faintest sounds of the floating and spinning light source in the middle of the library. Back home, if things got too hard, too heavy or too sad, she had people to turn to, the arena to get her aggressions and pain out and Isabela ready with a bottle and stories to tell. But she wasn’t home so she could really only do one of those things. Decision made, she walked out of the Lighthouse, passed the Caretaker and straight for the kitchens to raid the wine she knew Lucanis picked up not too long ago, right before everything went to shit.
When she entered the dining space, the fire was low but bright enough for her to see the room well enough. The table still had a few plates and cups on them from when, she assumed, everything was dropped suddenly at the news of the gods and their dragons on the loose. She passed the table, went straight for the kitchen and immediately went looking for the wine. She remembered seeing an Antivan red somewhere around here. It took her a bit of searching but eventually, her hand closed around the neck of the bottle she wanted and pulled it from the shelves. She went looking for the bottle opener when she heard a door open to her right.
“Rook? Looking for something?” She turned to the voice and saw Lucanis standing at the doorway to the pantry.
“Oh, Lucanis. Yes, just want to open this bottle. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“You know I don’t sleep.” He walks over and finds the opener within seconds. “Please. Allow me.” Solana just hands the bottle over to him without saying a word. He places the bottle on the counter and opens it with a pop.
“Thank you Lucanis. Would you care to join me? It’s not as fun drinking alone.”
“Of course.” He turns to the other side of the counter and procures two cups for them and pours the wine with perfect finesse, not wasting a single drop. “May I ask, what brings you here at this hour?” He asks while he hands her a cup of wine.
Solana allows her body to lean back onto the counter behind her and waits to take a sip until he finishes pouring into his own cup.
“I just…can’t sleep. Too much on my mind.”
“Is it Minrathous?” Lucanis mirrors her stance on the opposite counter as he swirls the wine in his glass before taking a sip.
Solana nods affirmatively. “I can’t keep the images out.”
“I know what you mean. I’m willing to listen, if you’d like to talk about it.”
Solana looks at Lucanis and sees his brown eyes look molten with the light of the fire and his expression warm. It feels like a little too much to look him in the eye as she thinks of what is keeping her up at night and moves to look at the dark wine in her cup instead.
“I don’t want to burden you with my thoughts.”
“Nothing you say to me will be a burden. I promise.” Solana takes a deep breath in and lets it out, taking a quick peek at the Crow before drawing her attention to her wine. It wouldn’t hurt to at least share my thoughts with him , Solana considered, as she bit her bottom lip.
“I keep seeing all of the…bodies. The carts full of corpses, the blood on the streets, the Shadow Dragons hung in the courtyard.” Solana takes a large swig of wine this time. “I knew the Venatori were bad but I didn’t expect this.”
“Death alone will not be good enough for them.” He threatens. “The Venatori are gruesome and evil. They are quick to draw blood and even quicker, it seems, to slaughter. To them, life’s only meaning is power and the Gods gave it to them tenfold.” Lucanis’ voice was deep and had a gravel to it she recognized as anger and pain. He knew firsthand how horrible they were; she may have seen the aftermath of what they did in the Ossuary but he lived it. “It was an impossible decision, Rook. There was no knowing what would happen. Only speculation.”
“I know. I know it was a difficult choice. And if I had to go through with it again, I’d probably still pick Treviso. It doesn’t have the magical defenses I had seen first hand from the capital. I thought Minrathous would at least have a chance !” Solana’s voice was at a higher octave than normal and she felt the bubbling of hysterics just beneath the surface. But she tried to taper it down and took a shaky sip out of her cup to calm herself.
“I am beyond grateful that we were able to stop Ghilan'nain's dragon in Treviso. But this guilt is not yours to shoulder alone.” She looks at the Crow and stares at him, not quite glaring but her eyebrows are knotted together and her face contorted.
“It is Lucanis. You had to save your home. You had no choice. I’m the one that did. And that choice was able to, apparently, turn the tide for one battle and not the other.” Solana laughed, but it was humourless, rooted in self-degradation. She gulped down the rest of her wine and turned away from her companion, placing the cup down and gripping the edge of the counter, staring down at the tile. “I’m nothing special. I’m only human.”
Would there be more tough decisions? Decisions that were life and death? Was she ready for that level of leadership? Maybe she wasn’t quite cut out for this. Maybe she should just take a back seat. Maybe she should…
“Rook, come, let’s go have a seat somewhere comfortable.” Lucanis’ voice was able to slice through her panicked thoughts and she took in a breath. “I’ll bring the bottle.” Solana felt his hand on her back and it caused a shiver to go up her spine. She straightened, grabbed her cup and allowed him to guide her to the corner of the dining room where a few cushioned chairs were positioned. She dropped onto one of the chairs and he gently removed the cup from her hand and placed it on the table in the middle. He didn’t let go of her hand and squeezed it. Surprised by the touch, she pushed her curls back and looked up at him. He held her hand firm but gentle and looked at her with more tenderness than she had ever seen from him. It was, again, a little too much. Her eyes watered and she did her best to blink it away.
“Even though we were unable to save Minrathous, we were still able to save another city and thousands of innocent people. You kept Treviso from becoming blight ridden. Who knows what atrocities would have happened.” He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and let it out before settling those brown eyes back on her. “The Crows and the people of Treviso cannot thank you enough. I cannot thank you enough. Do not let this guilt eat you. You did the best any human can and was able to save so many in the process.”
Another mirthless laugh escapes her. This one is close to a sob.
“I still feel guilty but I appreciate your words and your company.” He gave her hand another squeeze before releasing it. He moved to pour from the bottle into her cup once more and handed it to her before sitting down with his own.
They sat in silence for a moment, allowing Solana to compose her emotions a bit more as she stared at the fireplace. Since joining their group, this was the first time that she had spoken to Lucanis so frankly about her own thoughts and fears. She truly was shaken up after Minrathous. To be honest, this had been building for some time. Probably since what they saw in Arlathan after Solas’ ritual.
“You didn’t see it but D’meta’s crossing still haunts me. I’ve never quite seen the blight before. I’ve seen the odd darkspawn here or there. Stragglers from the deep roads but never the blight. Never this…this poisonous disease.” Solana explains, still feeling as though she needed to prove, outloud, what her thought process was and why she made the decision she had.
“I heard how horrible it was from Bellara and Neve. I can’t even imagine.”
“After seeing that , I couldn’t let that be Treviso’s fate. It’s already dealing with the Antaam occupation.” Solana took another swig of wine and looked at Lucanis. “Still, I really can’t tell what was better or worse. I just feel so bad for the people of Minrathous, especially Docktown, the Shadow Dragons and Neve. I don’t blame Neve for being upset with me.”
“Neve is hurt; she lives for her city. But I don’t think she’s irrational. She will know that you did the best you could.”
“Would you think that if you were in her shoes? How would you have taken it if I had saved Minrathous instead?”
Lucanis looked a bit taken aback by her question and took a moment to think it through. He sipped at his wine as he contemplated and Solana waited, mirroring his movement.
“I cannot say for sure. I would be hurt and upset but probably mostly at myself.”
“Neve seems to be seeing me as the bad guy here.”
“Rook, you are not responsible for what happened. Neve knows that.”
“Maybe.” Solana leaned against the chair, letting her head fall back and staring at the high ceiling. “Ugh. I hate this. I hate feeling this way.”
“It is much easier to take a job and commit to it than to be the leader making the difficult choices.”
“Andraste's fucking tits, absolutely.” Lucanis chuckled and Solana lifted her head to look at him. “Sorry for the vulgarity.”
“I take no offense. I’m no Chantry brother Rook.”
“I suppose not…Thank you, really. For listening to me and keeping me company. I really appreciate it Lucanis.”
“I am happy to have been of service.”
Solana really looks at him and feels a bit of that tightness in her chest ebb away. It may not be gone but it’s been alleviated. And for that, she is grateful. She lets her head fall back again and takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
She may have this feeling of guilt pressing down on her but she’s at least got some help.