the ghost of her

by sunfl0werr

Summary:

J can’t deal with work and a relationship. she has ti have a break. from which one though? J can’t live without V, but she can’t live without her status either.

TW: Self harm/cutting.

Chapter 1

Three years. 

three years.

it had been three god damn years since J chose her job over her beloved. Why? she wanted the reassurance that she was superior to everyone else around her - including her girlfriend. In a haze of stress and sadness, she made the irreversible decision to leave V. J still thought about her every single day. How could she not? gorgeous blonde hair that hung perfectly just above her shoulders, piercing hazel eyes…the same eyes she fell inlove with. The same eyes she was still inlove with.

Everyday, J would wake up and go to work, come back and mope about before cutting herself and whining about her day. She never tried to get better, she never wanted to get better - she wanted V. Everything was good when she was with V, the world was calm and decisions were easy! but now it was just J against all her problems. no more girlfriend to cry to, to get comforted by, just the guilt that she was the reason of her sadness. She always promised herself to get better, to fix whatever the hell was wrong with her. but there was always one hole extra work hours or drowning herself in documents wouldn’t fill. The hole V had made when she left. 

One specifically hard day, J had thrown an extra 2 hours of work upon herself - on a Friday! J had a specific routine for each day of the week: Monday she would go to work, finish early and rearrange her home decor. Tuesday she would start slightly later and finish later, then come home and make sure there were no other problems she had to sort out. Wednesday was her mopey day. she never had work on a wednesday, so she would just stay home and stalk V’s social media accounts until she grew tired. thursdays and fridays she started extra early and finished extra late, due to the extra hours she had picked up after the breakup.

V meanwhile, oh, V had moved on long ago. She got a lovely cottage in a forest about an hour from where J lived, surrounded by trees and a lake. She had 2 cats and had a part time job as a dog walker. She got way happier after leaving J, it was much better realising she no longer had someone relying on her for comfort and support. V never got back into the dating scene fully, but she had some first dates, never a second date though.

-

Three years ago.

J had a particularly difficult day and burst through the doors of her and V’s shared apartment, immediately throwing herself at V and sobbing into her shoulder. “o-oh my god! V, today was so shit!” J complained, her voice barely audible above her sobs. V’s eyes softened and she stroked J’s pigtails, her slender fingers combing through her silky hair. “Aw baby…” V cooed, her voice calming J down. 

“Why don’t you take a break from work?” V recommended, looking down at J as she lifted her face from her shoulder.           “my love…you know i can’t do that.” J replied, her guilt obvious. V huffed gently. If J was so upset about work she obviously should’ve took a break, but here she was crying to V about how shitty her day was.  “y’know, J. I never complain about my days to you, so maybe you should realise how little your problems are compared to others.” V finally retaliated, and it felt like the weight of the world was finally lifted off her shoulders.                                        “what?” J replied, her eyes narrowing. “You try being me for a day, see how you like-“ J began, but V interrupted.                          “don’t give me any of that bullshit, J. Either you take a break from work, or take a break from me!” V snapped, louder and angrier than intended.

J was silent for a minute or two before standing up and grabbing her phone and purse. She said nothing, but her eyes said it all. She glared intensely at V, her auburn eyes filling with tears. V crossed her arms across her chest, she wasn’t budging. J turned on her heel and stormed out the front door, not even saying goodbye. as soon as V heared the click of the door she broke down and began crying. she fell to her knees, her hands thumping against the hardwood floors. Why’d this have to happen? why was J so stubborn when it came to her work??

J was no different. As soon as she shut the door behind her she pressed her back against it and fell to her bottom, pulling her knees to her chest. she sobbed freely, tears flowing down her pale cheeks. the same cheeks V had kissed multiple times. J so desperately wanted to go back in there and reconcile with V, but why should she? V was holding her back. J was employee of the month for twenty three consecutive months! V? V was just some low life librarian that gave little kids books about cats and dogs and whatnot. she didn’t have a clue how much J cherished her work.

present day

 

It was a boring monday, and J was drowning in incompetent staff at her side asking for help and guidance for EVERYTHING! J couldn’t take it much longer so she stormed out of her office and into the toilet connected to the room. She sighed and leant back against the cold tile walls, before slowly dropping to her bottom and pulling her knees to her chest.with a great big sigh, she rolled her sleeves up at stared at the silvery lines cross crossing her arms. She hadn’t cut in about what, 2 weeks? 

she slowly took out a small knife she kept in her pocket for self defence. we all knew that isn’t why she kept it. She slowly dragged it across her arms once again, relishing in the feeling. she couldn’t go deep, she was in the office for gods sakes. after brutally slicing her arm up, her arm looked like it had been dipped in blood. It was a mess, and now J had to clean it. She stood up shakily, her hand gripping the marble sink, and gently turning the tap on. she put one pigtail in her mouth and bit down on it while rinsing her wounds. It stung. a lot. When it stopped bleeding as much, she wrapped it in toilet paper and pulled her sleeve back down. she took her pigtail out her mouth and gagged, the hair was wet and plastered together, and there were strands of platinum blonde hair still inside of her mouth.

after cleaning her mouth out and brushing her pigtails, J emerged from the bathroom and sat back at her desk. She picked up a pen and continued signing a paper before her phone rung. not her work phone, her personal mobile one. She arched a brow and answered hesitantly, gripping her pen a little bit tighter. “hello, this is J..?” she said into the phone, waiting for the unkown person to reply. To her shock, the person on the other end sounded exactly like uzi did three years ago. “Errr, hey..This is uzi, uzi doorman-“ before J would let her continue, she practically smashed the red hang up button. her hands shook as she put the phone in her pocket and stared at the papers infront of her. Why was uzi calling? Why did uzi REMEMBER her. Suddenly, J snapped out of her panic when one of her employees began speaking. “Uhm, ms J?…You’re crying..” the woman informed, before squeaking in fear and leaving before J could snap. J’s shoulders slowly slumped and she stared at her desk. her pen had been crushed in her grip and black ink was spreading everywhere. J wiped her eyes before muttering to herself.

“i need to call her back.”

Chapter 2

when J awoke the next morning, sprawled across her large bed, she felt a sense of dread in her stomach. she sat up slowly, before her head snapped towards a crashing sound. she looked over the side of her bed to realise there were multiple bottles scattered across her bed, and the sound was from one hitting the floorboards. She groaned as a jolt of pain shot through her head. How much had she drank?? She rubbed her eyes and looked at the bottles. 8 in total. J sighed and silently cursed herself for drinking that much. what was she thinking!?

J yawned and got out of her bed, taking her tousled pigtails out and rubbing her head where the tight bows once were. She looked in her mirror briefly. She was wearing a baggy shirt that V had gifted her in their relationship. It hung loosely on her slim frame. J hadn’t been eating recently. She couldn’t stand to look at the mirror any longer and grabbed her phone and walked out her room.

in the kitchen, she threw open a cupboard door and grabbed paracetamol. she got two out and poured herself a mug of cold tea from the day before and swallowed them. she shook her head and poured the rest of the drink down the drain. She sat on the couch, pulling her legs to her chest. when she opened her phone she remembered uzis call. J needed to call her back. She sighed and began scrolling on social media. she had a secret account for indulging in her activities, completely separate from her main one with her name on it. 

she scrolled for about 3 hours until scrolling across a familiar face. V. She was in the background of lizzys selfie at a party. The caption was advertising a club, and how there’s so many people that are so easy to socialise with. J had been fantasising about having friends recently so she thought that it couldn’t be a bad idea…right? 

it aeemed like just 2 minutes had past when really it had been 5 hours. J looked at the little numbers in the corner of her phone and got slightly shocked when she realised it was 18:47. She scratched her forehead before deciding to go to the club. formally, ofcourse. She got up and walked to the bathroom to freshen up before getting ready. she showered and shaved, before getting out and cutting her hair with small scissors she kept in the cabinet. her arms stung with the water seeping through the flimsy bandages but she had gotten used to it. she didn’t cut it drastically, just made it even and cut the more visible split ends.

__________________________________

J stared at her wardrobe for a while before choosing a simple outfit. she wore a dark yellow silk shirt buttoned until just a teasing bit of her cleavage was shown. then she slipped into a short black pencil skirt and tucked the shirt into it, then pulling tan pantyhose over her long legs. she finished getting dressed and just looked in the mirror. for the first time, she didn’t look too thin, too fat, too ugly, too attention seeking. she felt pretty. she decorated her neck with a black necklace and bracelets, then black sapphire earrings. she smiled and then dried her hair and tied it in her usual pigtails, but this time she used her fancy bows.

She walked out her room, purse in hand. She walked to her front door and slipped black kitten heels on and then unlocked her door. the evening breeze washed over her refreshingly and she took her phone out to call an uber. while waiting, she lit a cigarette and took a few drags. the uber didn’t take long, so she stubbed it out halfway and sprayed a little more perfume and then got into the car.

__________________________________

Uzis Pov.

 

uzi rang J for the third time, still getting the same voicemail. “Hello, this is serial designation J. leave a message, or text me privately if urgent. thank you.” It started to piss uzi off hearing J’s stuck up formal voice. She sighed before realising she could just text her- duh. She pressed the little chat icon and typed out a speedy quick message. “hey J, just wanted to let you know there’s a new club open on LoveGrove st if you wanted to come. yeah no maybe ok bye.” uzi quickly pressed send without even rereading the message. N called from the doorway, warning uzi about time and traffic. “Uzi, i dont wanna be a bother but its 5 to and we promised V to be there at quarter to!” he said, and uzi could basically hear him tapping his foot through the floor.

Uzi got out the car arm in arm with N, smiling at him lovingly. Uzi was in a black dress with lace details, lace black gloves and her black boots and ofcourse, her beanie. N was in the same suit he wore to prom. They walked into the club to find V sat at the bar drinking a cocktail while talking to lizzy and smiled when she saw Uzi and N making their way over.                “fancy seeing you here, doorman’s.” V said teasingly. Uzi just scoffed fondly and shook her head, sitting beside V and N sat beside Lizzy.           

they talked for a while until V got bored and started looking around. she froze and her mouth fell open slightly when she saw J leant against a wall talking to a group of workaholics that did drugs on the side to cope with the stress. V knew the people and they weren’t good. V watched as J took whatever the fuck they gave her and already saw visible changes. her scleras got a red tint and she seemed to be smiling more. Uzi seemed suspicious and flicked V. “earth to V? What’s got your attention?” Uzi asked, but when she followed ab’s gaze and saw J doing lines on a table she was flabbergasted. Lizzy and N also looked and their jaws dropped.

after, V walked up to J and found her sat at a table crying while smoking cigarettes and drinking bottles of beer a waiter kept bringing her over. “J, what the fuck?” V asked, obviously angry. during their break up J went through a short phase of stalking V and she thought J was still stalking her.      “Ooooh, hheyyyh V…!” J slurred, her smile droopy. V just scoffed and sat opposite J.     “what are you doing here?”                         “socialising!”                                                “sure, J. sure.” V didn’t believe a word J said, even though it was true. V also began drinking and after a few minutes they were both drunk.

J kissed V, and V didn’t pull back. infact, she reciprocated the action. 

__________________________________

When J woke up, she was on a bench in a park. she was more sober than before. as she sat up, she groaned and rubbed her eyes. she looked over to her side and realised uzi was sat beside her. “Uzi? can i help-“ before J could finish, Uzi began talking.

”you better thank me, bitxh. your sleeves started riding up and i dragged you out that club before anyone noticed.” 

“shit. I can explain, it was my cat!-“ J pleaded.

Uzi was NOT having it. she scored closer and held J’s hands tightly. “I know you’re still sad about the breakup situation and shit but please J. You have to move on. for your own good.”

J stayed silent and ignored everything uzi said until uzi got up and left. J sighed and began crying right there in the park. some late runners gave her pitying looks and others just straight up ignored her. J knew she needed to move on but she couldn’t lose feelings over night, could she?

J ordered herself an uber and drove home. __________________________________

J rushed to her room and face planted onto her bed, crying. why? why did she have to be so miserable. why did uzi have to notice her arms? why did she do it in the first place!? J calmed down, but grew tired at the same time. her bed seemed so soft and comfy.

 

 

 

Chapter 3: happy ending.

J ended up waking up at 2 am, opening her phone to check her social media’s. she saw a post from Lizzy.

she and V were dating now.

Oh.

Oh. ok.

 

J stared at her screen before slowly putting her phone in the sink and looking in the mirror. she stripped out of her clothes and put the same baggy shirt on. she got a blade out the cupboard and went to town on her arms and legs.

the cuts ranged from big to small, deep to shallow, vertical to horizontal. not even her legs were spared. she sighed and stared at her new body.

her legs were covered, but her arms were barely recognisable. the blood made her lightheaded, but she left the bathroom with her phone and walked to the garage then back to her room.

she opened messages and typed out a message to V and lizzy first, wishing them luck and giving them her blessing, and then Uzi and N, telling them both that she never really hated them and did care, and she was so sorry for not showing it. she then messaged a groupchat she was in with other peoooe she remembered being rude to. she said it straight out, she was ending it. she couldn’t take it.

responses were immediate. N asked what she meant, then Uzi called, V called, lizzy said she was being dramatic then started asking if she was for real and then began panicking.

__________________________________

 

ring ring.

ring ring.

RING RING.

 

J’s phone continued to buzz and ring, and J just watched it happen while the cuts began ti scab and dry. she found a oatch of skin that hadn’t been cut and decided to go as deep as she could. 

 

three cuts deep, and then she saw V’s hauntingly beautiful face. so far. yet so near.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

when they came to check if she was okay the next day, they walked into her bedroom to find she had a new ceiling decoration. 

Notes:

this was so rushed but i needed J to die so that’s that!!

i had a lot of fun writing this, but im glad it finished lmao 😭

i’ll probably write another fic!!