Work Text:
"Thank you. I'm glad I met you."
Those were his last words.
And Shinji wondered, how was he able to say that to him?
How can he say that after —
"Maybe I was born so I can meet you."
Shinji didn't know how to respond to that. He didn't know what to say so he froze, just staring at Kaworu's smiling face. But nothing in that mellow smile pressured anything from him. Kaworu wasn't waiting on anything. That soft gaze wasn't asking for anything from Shinji. Perhaps that's what made him uneasy.
"What were you listening to?" Kaworu suddenly asked, perhaps sensing that uneasiness from him.
"Huh?" But Shinji's reaction made him realize how random his question is if he didn't explain.
"When you were waiting for me, you were listening to something. What was it?"
"Oh, um, I-I actually forgot what it's called." Shinji fumbled on his words while scrambling for his Walkman. "But here, you can listen to it if you’d like." He sat up and held it out to Kaworu who sat up too. But he didn't reach for it. Instead he pats the spot next to him on the bed.
"Come on up. Let's listen together." Shinji nodded at that harmless smile and climbed onto the bed. They sat next to each other and each placed an earphone into an ear.
"...So this is what enriches your heart." Kaworu mused as he closed his eyes to the music like he was immersing himself into it. Shinji blinked and glanced at him. His words struck him with a sense of deja vu.
Songs enrich the heart. The crowning achievement of Lilim's civilization.
"It's beautiful." Kaworu continued and looked at Shinji again. "Just like you."
"What?" Shinji hoped the darkness of the room hid how red his face went.
"I said you're beautiful." Kaworu said while holding Shinji's bewildered eyes.
" Kaworu-kun... that's funny."
"How so?"
"...People would only say that about me if they're joking."
"Well, I wasn't joking. I meant it." Kaworu chuckled and Shinji felt himself go rigid because for some reason... he believes him.
"...I-If you really like the song," Shinji stammered in his effort to change the subject. "I can let you borrow it, or even make you a copy."
"Or I can just come see you whenever I want to listen to it again."
"Huh ?"
"...Can I?"
"S-Sure..." Kaworu beamed at Shinji's response, then leaned his head to let it rest on his shoulder. Shinji flinched and Kaworu glanced at him curiously.
"Are you still afraid of getting to know people?" Kaworu quietly asked and placed a hand over Shinji's. "Of getting close to them? Of being... intimate?"
"K- Kaworu -kun!" But the word seemed to trigg er Shinji and his hand recoiled .
I know that by keeping a distance from others you can avoid betrayal and hurting each other. But it also means never forgetting your loneliness.
"What's wrong?" Shinji blinked, brought back to the room, to the present, by Kaworu's voice. Right now that calmness was both soothing and unnerving to him. Maybe because it's no different from when they—
Humans can never erase their loneliness because all humans are fundamentally alone.
"W-We should... go to sleep." Shinji stammered and Kaworu's eyes fell downcast, making Shinji worry that he had disappointed him.
"Shouldn't we take care of that first if you want to sleep?" But his question made Shinji realize his eyes had lowered from his blushing face... to his crotch.
"I-It's ok!" Shinji quickly pulled down the hem of his shirt over the tent and his eyes darted to a wall. "I can just wait it out."
"That doesn't sound healthy."
"Well, I can't just... with you here..." Shinji trailed off, unable to finish as shame kept lowering his voice. His eyes were still unable to look at Kaworu to see what kind of face he might be wearing.
"How about I help you?"
"What!?" But now Shinji had to look at him again with eyes gone wide with utter disbelief for what he thought he heard. And Kaworu's smile didn't pose a threat so it made him wonder if he really did hear him right. But the Fifth Child leaned in and he reached down to Shinji's hands that were still pulling on his shirt to hide the bulge under it.
"Don't worry, Shinji-kun. I'm not going to hurt you." Kaworu assured as he took those hands into his own, making Shinji flinch again at the physical contact.
"B-But Kaworu-kun," Shinji whined with the overwhelming embarrassment. Kaworu still lifted Shinji's hands from the bulge they were trying to hide. But then he let go and reached for the Walkman instead. Shinji didn't even realize when the song they were listening to had ended. Kaworu went back to it, and set it on loop. And he didn't try to do anything else, just gently stroked Shinji's flushed cheek with a smile. Like he didn't want to force anything. He was letting it be Shinji's choice. Shinji understood that much. And while the song was playing in both of their ears again, he put his shaky hands on the hem of his sweatpants. He pushed down just a little, just enough to let out what he was trying to hide earlier. But when it finally came out, erected and already beginning to leak, he felt like his face burst into flames.
"Shinji-kun, it's ok." Kaworu kept soothing before he can put it away again. And Shinji realized he still believed what he said. He somehow felt something genuine in his words. And he didn't know if it was that voice or those eyes that he found so calming but something was convincing him to stay. Even when Kaworu gripped his length. Even though he still flinched with a small whimpered noise when his fingers wrapped around it. With his other hand Kaworu still caressed his thumb over his warm cheek. It's the side with the earphone, and Shinji felt like he was telling him to focus on the music so he doesn't have to get scared. Shinji closed his eyes and leaned in to his palm, wondering if Kaworu knew that this touch and the mere smell of him comforted him the most. But the song did somehow help so he focused on that too as Kaworu's hand began to stroke his erection and Shinji shuddered at what he felt. It's nothing like when he masturbated on his own. Maybe it’s because he’s so conscious of the fact that someone else is doing it for him. Making him feel… so good. His breaths hitched as heat kept building in his lower abdomen and stirred into pleasure he never felt before.
"Do you like this, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu's whispered voice was suddenly right next to his ear, the one without the music playing in it, and Shinji snapped his eyes open with a gasp.
Are you kidding me!? Shinji secretly answered while only nodding quickly in response before Kaworu's hand can make him forget his question. Kaworu just smiled, seeming satisfied, and continued his hand's movement on Shinji's length. Shinji closed his eyes again, trying to focus on the song in his ear. He wondered if Kaworu asked without really being aware of how he was making him hot all over, how he was numbing his brain in ecstasy. Shinji cracked his eyes open again and sees Kaworu just sitting there simply watching him like he doesn't know what he's doing to him.
"Kaworu-kun," Shinji breathed the name. "I'm the only one... It's... not fair..." He tries to form a sentence between panting breaths while his hands reached for the Fifth Child— for his crotch.
"...I guess it wouldn't be fair." Kaworu let go of Shinji to go ahead and undo his pants, pulling them down a bit. For a moment Shinji had to suppress his aching moan from the loss but when Kaworu's cock emerges, he feels himself getting attacked by a new fit of heat. Light tints appear on Kaworu's cheeks like he didn't expect to be stared at so intently. His own eyes drop to Shinji's hands and Shinji's spine goes stiff upon realizing Kaworu is waiting for him. So he reaches out and his shoulders slightly jolted when his fingertips came in contact with the erected hardness. He gripped it even with his stomach clinching. Kaworu uttered a small sound from the back of his throat and Shinji's startled fingers flinched, almost letting go.
"Go ahead, Shinji-kun." But he hears Kaworu whisper and sees his face. Shinji blinks at the subtle gleam in his eyes— subtle but undoubtedly carnal— and it makes his breath hitch to feel them directed at him. Kaworu was stroking him again, fogging up his brain all over again. The heat was building again but burning inside more intensely now, and a shuddered breath escaped from Shinji's lips as he started moving his own hand along the hard cock gripped in his fingers. Both boys' eyes narrowed, holding each other's craved, pleasure-ridden eyes.
"That's good, Shinji-kun..." Kaworu nodded, as his breathing grew shallow and heavy. "You're doing great." His hand gripped tighter and moved harder. Shinji shivered at the increased fervor and he began to leak beads of pre-cum again. Kaworu didn't stop even if they spilled on his hand, lubricating Shinji's cock. Shinji not only felt his movements but he can now also hear them in provocative wet sounds. He mirrored Kaworu's movements, or at least he tried. He hoped he did. Because it was—
"...So good." Kaworu sighed and leaned in to Shinji's shoulder. Shinji can feel Kaworu's warm breaths on his neck and his skin tickled wanting to feel his lips. He shut his eyes, trying not to lose himself so he can keep up. Kaworu's free hand went under Shinji's shirt and Shinji shivered as he dragged his fingers down his spine, grazing his nails and feeling his skin slightly wet with sweat. When his hand stopped, it pressed a spot at his lower back that made Shinji give out a loud moan. Shinji bit his lip, showing how embarrassed he was with how red he got all the way to his ears.
"Shinji-kun..." But Kaworu smiled against his reddened ear and sighed his name into it. Shinji snapped his eyes shut from feeling his breath and his lips touch such a sensitive part of him. And hearing his voice say his name like that seemed to reach deep into his body, somewhere that was never reached before.
"K-Kaworu-kun..." Shinji's lips quivered as he felt himself getting so close. He kept moving his hand but at this point he wasn't sure if he was giving it to Kaworu as well anymore.
"It's ok, Shinji-kun." But Kaworu didn't seem to mind, still pumping Shinji's cock that was now pulsing in his hand.
"B-But—“ Shinji bit his lip again, unable to stand how he sounded. And it didn't help that Kaworu still spoke by his ear while the looped song was still playing in the other.
"It's ok. Let it out." Kaworu assured him again. "Go ahead... Shinji-kun." He says his name again in that way that sent Shinji's eyes rolling back, and his mouth hung open. In a swift movement Kaworu slid his hand to the back of Shinji's head.
"Mph—“ Shinji's eyes shot open and he let out a muffled sound when he felt something wet slip into his mouth. He saw Kaworu's face, how close it was, and he realized it was Kaworu's tongue moving in his mouth. Kaworu's lips rubbing against his lips. It registered that Kaworu was kissing him. Panic and ecstasy came at once. Shinji still tried to kiss back, the best he could. But he spilled so quickly into Kaworu's hand, his voice coming out in choked utterances as his body spasmed.
"...I'm sorry." Shinji groaned when Kaworu's mouth pulled away.
"Why?" Kaworu chuckled and brought his clean hand up to hold Shinji's flushed cheek. "I said I wanted to help. I did it because I wanted to. So there's no need to apologize."
Shinji wasn't sure about actually saying 'thank you'. So he responded to Kaworu's unexpectedly kind tone with a small smile, still somewhat embarrassed but the gratitude being there, and he leaned in to Kaworu's soft hand. He was certainly relieved by the release Kaworu 'helped' with. But it seems he didn't quite realize just how drained he was by recent events. He was suddenly struck with immense drowsiness that made his eyelids uncontrollably heavy. Kaworu noticed his body leaning further down; practically falling on the mattress they were on. He managed to help lay him down slowly on the bed with one hand.
"Kaworu-kun..." Shinji could barely go over a whisper. "I... love you, too..." He was drifting, almost gone. It was questionable he's even aware of his own words with the way he fought his eyelids. Especially when it was apparent that he was losing as they were fluttering shut. It was suspicious he could even hear himself with his ear down against the bed, and music playing in the other from the earphone. What are the odds that Kaworu even heard him? What are the odds he'd say anything back? But Shinji felt a hand gently caress his cheek, comforting him to go ahead and let go. So he did. He let go of consciousness while humming to the song he could hear in his ear.
Humans can never erase their loneliness because all humans are fundamentally alone.
But they can find the will to live when they can forget that loneliness.
And he did forget. For that one night, Shinji forgot about the crushing, overwhelming loneliness that plagued him. Even if it was just one night. Kaworu let him forget.
And then, he was gone.
Maybe I was born so I can meet you.
What does that even mean if...
Life and death are equal in value to me.
Then why did you.. .
I know that by keeping a distance from others you can avoid betrayal and hurting each other. But it also means you're not letting yourself forget your loneliness.
But you got me to forget!
Humans can never erase their loneliness because all humans are fundamentally alone.
Why did you make me forget even for one night!?
But they can find the will to live when they can forget that loneliness.
Couldn't you forget with me!?
Thank you. I'm glad I met you.
How could you say that after...
Only one life form will be chosen to survive at the time of destruction and be given a future.
Then why did you tell me.. .
Maybe I was born so I can meet you.
Then why...
You are not a being that should die.
Why!? Why me!?
Now, erase me from this world.
How could you... after telling me...
I love you.
"Kaworu-kun!" Shinji seethed the name through his tears and teeth biting back his sobs. After everything was over, he had no choice but to return to Misato's apartment. He couldn't go back to Kaworu's room, although he wasn't sure what he'd actually do there even if he were allowed to go back. How much of what was in there actually belonged to Kaworu, anyway? —It doesn't matter. Misato and Nerv and everyone else will move on like he never existed. The room's most likely already been cleared out by now. Like they want to wipe out any trace of him, so they won't have to admit how much they fucked up.
And it's not like Shinji would know if anything that was there would've been something he'd want to keep. He wouldn't know what's actually worth keeping to remember him. He was only there for one night, after all. And yet, somehow, one night in that room meant more to him than all the months he spent in the apartment that he had been calling 'home'. But a song is all he has left to remember him by. A song is all he has to remember Kaworu's face, his voice, his warmth, his smell, his hands, how he felt—
"Kaworu-kun! Kaworu-kun! Kaworu-kun!" Shinji kept gasping between choked sobs as he lie curled up in his bed with his dick in his hand. He wished he wasn't like this. He didn't want to be like this and he hated himself for it as much as he couldn't help it. He hated it but he couldn’t stop. He kept moving his hand, faster and harder, desperate like he’s chasing something— chasing him? Or chasing what he gave him? What he made him feel?
Who cares.
He’s gone now.
And Shinji’s Walkman played that song in his ears all the while he moved his hand, desperately yearning to feel him instead. Because now whenever he hears this song he will remember him. He will miss him. And he will crave him... because he can never have him.
And Shinji secretly regrets that they didn't do more, that they didn't go all the way. He regrets that he didn't ask Kaworu to have all of him. He wishes he had let him have all of him. But he let him have more than he had ever given anyone. Doesn't that count enough to say it’s all of him? Doesn’t that count for anything?
"Kaworu-kun! Kaworu-kun... Take me... Kaworu-kun!" Shinji says what he regrets he never said that night and came into his hand.
"...Take me with you." He whispers into the dark his secret wish that made him hate himself the most. Shame washed over him for saying it, even in secret. He shouldn't be allowed to even wish it. Because it's wrong. Because Kaworu died— he chose to die— so Shinji can live.