Chapter Text
"Phaya…?"
Tharn turns, still half asleep, wincing from the pain shooting through his head.
What the hell happened?
He's naked. His skin tingles weirdly where it touches the duvet. His tongue feels dry and swollen, like a foreign object in his own mouth. And his head is killing him.
Reluctantly, he forces his eyes open, blinking against the light streaming in through the window.
"Ah, good morning sleepyhead. Back in the land of the living?"
The voice makes Tharn jerk up, nausea and another jolt of pain hitting him the moment he sits upright.
He groans.
It's okay. It's not Phaya sitting on the edge of the bed, but it's fine. It's not dangerous, it's just Kheng, his colleague.
What is Kheng doing in his bedroom?
No. Tharn shakes his head, his senses slowly coming back to him. He's not at home. He's still at the hotel, where Akk sent him for that conference on organised crime.
"Look to your left," Kheng instructs him.
Tharn obediently turns his gaze to the bedside table, where a glass of water and a package of painkillers are waiting for him.
The sight of the water makes him swallow drily, feeling like his throat is made of sandpaper. Fuck, he needs… he's so fucking thirsty, but something feels off, something doesn't sit right in his brain.
Something is wrong. Very, very wrong.
"What…?" Tharn starts before he knows how to end that sentence.
"Quite some night, huh?" Kheng chuckles.
Night. Tharn doesn't remember. They were drinking. Fuck, Tharn has no idea how many drinks he's had. It's all a haze. He can remember drinking and talking and talking and drinking and…
It's just a kiss.
He remembers… he remembers leaning in… and lips on his and…
"Tharn? You're still with us?"
Kheng leans in, his hand creeping in where the duvet has slid to the side, coming to rest on Tharn's thigh.
Tharn shudders and shrinks back, pulling up the duvet so it's covering him properly again.
"What did you do to me?" he whispers, staring at Kheng in horror.
He's naked. Why is he naked? Why is he naked in a hotel room with Kheng? Why is Kheng touching him? Why…?
"Whoah, whoah, whoah, the fuck you mean, what did I do to you?"
Kheng rises from the bed, holding out his hands defensively. He's almost fully dressed, only his shirt unbuttoned, revealing too much of his skin.
"I don't…" Tharn shakes his head, desperately trying to access the part of his memory that is just one giant blank space.
"Tharn, come on. Don't freak out on me now. It's not such a big deal. We only had a bit of fun. No one will know."
Fun.
Tharn pulls the duvet up to his chin before he can stop himself. He's naked. Kheng has no right to see him like this. He had no right to…
"I was drunk. Did you… did you…?"
"Did I? Did I do what?! We were both wasted, man." Kheng shakes his head in irritation, starting to button up his shirt. "Really, if I hadn't been drunk, I probably would have known better than to hook up with someone so uptight. Don't you dare blame this on me. I'm the one who needs to hide these marks from my fiance."
Tharn's eyes are drawn towards Kheng's hands against his will, watching the fingers pull fabric over dark bruises close to his neck.
What…
How…
He kissed him. Tharn doesn't remember anything else, but he does remember leaning in. He does remember. Not being kissed. Kissing Kheng. He remembers.
"Okay, whatever, I'll be off," Kheng says harshly. When he reaches the door, he hesitates, sighing deeply and turning around. "Look, obviously you feel like shit right now. Drink some water and take some painkillers and you'll feel better, okay? There's no need to worry about this, it was nothing. And if you don't remember, we were safe. Man, you might have been drunk beyond reason but you did make sure of that. And you know I won't tell anyone. Phaya is never gonna find out."
Phaya is never gonna find out.
The words echo through Tharn's head for a minute after the door has closed behind Kheng.
Phaya is never gonna find out.
Another wave of nausea hits him and he scrambles to his feet, making it to the bathroom just in time to empty his stomach into the toilet, still retching and coughing when nothing is left.
Water.
He manages to get up somehow, turning on the water and taking large gulps directly out of the tap.
It's…
It's not good.
His whole body feels gross and sticky and… there's…
Tharn looks down at his hands where he's holding his stomach, instinctively stepping back, like he can flee from his own body. He only stumbles against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall.
He knows. Knows what the dried traces on his skin are. He needs to get them off. Everything else he can figure out later, but first he needs to get clean, needs to get rid of this icky feeling on his skin.
He doesn't wait for the water in the shower to warm up, stepping under the cold spray and scrubbing violently at his skin. He almost throws up again but he doesn't stop. He wants it all gone as fast as possible and then he just wants to get home, wants to…
His knees buckle under the weight of this thought, making him stumble against the wall of the shower and slide down helplessly. The water is still drumming on his aching head, running down his face and blurring his vision.
Home.
He only wants to go back home.
But home is not a place.
Home was two strong arms wrapping around him and lips softly pressed to his temple and a whispered promise that he is loved.
That was home. And there is no going back.
He sits in the shower for who knows how long. He thought he would be crying but it's just water from the shower dropping from his chin.
He has to…
He still has to go back to Bangkok. He has to get up and pack up his things and leave the hotel.
There's the whisper of a thought in the back of his brain that maybe not going back would be better. Maybe he could disappear forever, drive the car into the river and just be gone and everyone would cry for him but no one would ever know the truth.
Wouldn't that be better for everyone?
Maybe not everyone. Maybe it's just a desperate thought born out of his selfishness.
He's better than that. At least he hopes he is.
Phaya won't leave him, right? Not just like that. They can work it out. They have been through worse.
Have they though?
This is not them fighting against an outside threat. This is not like Tharn going with Chalothon. This is not… this is…
It's done. It cannot be turned back. It cannot be made good again. He is that person now, the person who broke Phaya's trust. And he will never stop being that person.
He's wasting water.
He's not the kind of person who wastes water. So he gets up and turns it off, but not before rinsing himself again thoroughly.
Getting out of the shower, something in his brain switches, replacing the embarrassing self-pity with grim acceptance. He's done this. There's no denying it when he walks back into the room and finds the empty lube and condom wrappers on the ground.
We were safe.
He still doesn't understand how. How this could have happened.
He doesn't want to touch anything, but he also can't stand the thought of the cleaning person having to deal with the aftermath of what happened here tonight. He can't do anything about the stains on the sheets, but he can collect the empty wrappers.
A faint stench hits his nose when he opens the bathroom trash can to throw them away, finding a used condom just haphazardly thrown inside without being tied up. He lets the lid of the trash can fall shut but the smell doesn't leave his nose, and in a second he's back kneeling in front of the toilet, throwing up again.
He's been forced to go with Chalothon. He's jumped into a canal while drunk. He's been through the hell that was their police training. He's been wounded on missions. He's been covered in sweat and dirt and blood.
And none of it has ever felt as gross as he is feeling now. Stumbling to his feet, he stares at his face in the mirror. How? How could he have lost control like this? He's never going to drink again. He's never going to kiss anyone again.
Phaya won't kiss him again. Phaya won't touch him again. He can still feel Kheng's hand linger on his thigh, making him shudder and stumble. He will never be touched again without knowing this feeling of disgust at his own skin.
He's slow.
He doesn't even want to touch his own body to dry himself and get dressed. Every movement is a little bit too much, not just because of the pain in his head and the weird ache in his limbs.
He packs up his things but he leaves the glass of water and the painkillers on the bedside table. He almost skips breakfast, still feeling queasy and scared that he will run into Kheng again. But he needs at least a little bit of energy to make the five hour drive back to Bangkok. At least he's come in his own car. The thought alone of sharing a ride with Kheng already makes his stomach turn.
After checking out of the hotel, he sits in the car, unable to think. Sitting and staring ahead without seeing anything.
What if none of it was true? What if it was just a drunk nightmare? What if he pretends it never happened? What if…?
Kheng sitting on the edge of the bed, dark bruises on his collarbone. The empty wrappers. The used condom.
It's a nightmare all right, but one he cannot wake up from.
Phaya is never gonna find out.
If Tharn stays here forever, Phaya is never gonna find out. If he just sits in the car until the world ends. If he…
He doesn't even know if he's fit to drive, but he starts the engine either way. There's no one out here who could help him. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He doesn't want to talk to anyone ever again.
There's tears blurring his vision for a moment but he blinks them away. He cannot go back. So he has no other choice than to go home.
'Home', as far as the location goes, is a condo in Bangkok where he's living with Phaya at the moment. It's just a temporary thing. After getting married, they were living with Phaya's family for a few years, but Phaya's grandma wanted to do some extensive renovations on the house. So they found their own place for now, and Tharn has never been more thankful for it.
At least he won't have to face Khun Yaa or Nee. At least no one will hear Phaya's reaction when Tharn has to tell him. Has to tell him that…
His steps slow down as he walks up to the door of their apartment. For the whole day, he's done his best to not think about what is going to happen now. There is the thought that maybe he shouldn't tell Phaya in the door, maybe he should do it later, when he's had a shower and they can sit together properly. It's a useless thought. He knows he won't be able to hide it, not for one second. He won't be able to bear Phaya's touch, Phaya's affection, knowing what he has done.
His whole body feels weak as he slowly opens the door, like he's been drained of all strength to go on. He makes one step inside, then stops when he sees Phaya sitting on their couch.
"Oh, you're back!" A smile starts to spread over Phaya's face, the moment he looks at Tharn, but it freezes before it's fully there, slowly morphing into a look of concern. "Tharn, what's going on?"
He's in front of Tharn in two long strides, reaching out to cup his face when Tharn's gaze won't meet his. Tharn steps back quickly, before Phaya can touch him, before Tharn can be pulled into an embrace.
"What happened?"
"I…" Tharn's voice breaks on the first syllable, he stares somewhere at Phaya's chest, unable to look him into his eyes.
"Tharn, you're scaring me. What happened? What…? Did Chalothon come back? Did someone hurt you?"
"No." Tharn shakes his head, tears burning behind his eyes. He can't say it. And he can't not say it. He would gladly take all the pain upon himself and carry it for the rest of his life if he could spare Phaya. But he cannot let Phaya touch him without telling him. "I… I did something. I did something really bad."
"It's okay."
Hands come up, gently taking Tharn's shoulders, and this time he isn't fast enough to evade them. He tries to take another step back but the hands on his shoulders won't let him.
"Whatever it is, it will be okay. We'll figure it out. We've been through worse."
Worse. They've been through everything with each other. For each other. After all this, what can be worse than needless betrayal?
"Tharn. Please. Please just tell me."
He can't make himself look at Phaya's face, but he has no other choice than to say the words.
"I cheated on you."
A beat of silence, then, finally, the hands on his shoulders let go.
"No, you… no. What?"
"I'm so sorry," Tharn whispers, looking up, so Phaya can see the truth of it all in his eyes.
"What are you talking about? So you… kissed someone else?"
Tharn's breath catches in his throat as he closes his eyes. He can't look. He can't say it if he has to look into Phaya's eyes.
"Not just kiss. I… we…"
"Tharn, this isn't funny."
Something breaks inside Tharn when he opens his eyes again, only to see the desperate attempt to not believe what's happening in Phaya's eyes.
"Do you think I would joke about something like this?"
Phaya stares at him for half an eternity, face frozen. His voice is toneless when he speaks again.
"Who?"
Tharn shakes his head again. "Does it matter?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd say it matters. It matters to me who you-"
Phaya looks away, not finishing the sentence. He looks like he still cannot comprehend it, torn between hurt, anger and disbelieve.
"His name's Kheng. He's an officer from one of the other units, he… was also at the conference. But it's not his fault, we were both just really drunk and…"
Tharn wants to hate him. Wants to hate him so badly, but he knows it's a cop-out when Kheng obviously has exactly the same reason to hate Tharn right now.
"Drunk?"
"We were so drunk, I don't even remember everything. I…"
There's a thousand words burning on Tharn's lips.
It didn't mean anything.
It was just a drunk mistake.
I wish it never happened.
I'm so sorry.
How could he say any of it? How could he say it didn't mean anything when he looks into Phaya's eyes, seeing his heart breaking.
"You're serious," Phaya whispers.
Tharn needs to do something to make this better, so he reaches for Phaya's hands, but this time it's Phaya who is stepping back, pulling his body out of Tharn's reach.
"Don't!" All the disbelieve is gone from Phaya's face. "Just don't."
He doesn't say anything when he grabs his jacket and slips into his shoes. He doesn't even look at Tharn when he pushes past him, moving in cold determination, while Tharn stands and watches him helplessly.
"Where are you going? It's late, you shouldn't… it's okay if you don't want to see me right now. I can get a hotel, I can…"
Tharn stops when Phaya turns in the door and looks right at him.
"I don't care what you do, Tharn."
Tharn stands motionless when the door falls shut right in his face. There's the urge to tear it open again, run after Phaya, but he suppresses it. What right does he have? He knows Phaya's temper. Knows not to push when Phaya needs time to cool off. It still feels wrong.
It also feels wrong to be back here. He just stands there in the door, suitcase next to him, looking around the familiar furniture of the place that should be home but isn't in some strange way. Phaya is watching him from the frames on the shelf. There's the selfie they took on their last vacation, wide smiles in front of the ocean. And next to it their favourite picture from their wedding, radiating love and happiness and…
The grime from the long car ride is sticking to Tharn's skin, making his clothes feel itchy. He needs a shower and then… then he will figure out what to do next. Maybe Phaya will be back when the sun goes down.
Phaya is not back when the sun goes down. He's also not back when it's time for dinner. And he doesn't come back when Tharn sits in their living room after forcing himself to eat some cheap instant ramen, not doing anything except from waiting for what happens next.
For a brief moment he considers calling Yai. But he can't. Yai is on parental leave. Finally. After the endless ups and downs of the adoption process, him and Sand now have a nine-month-old to take care of, still getting used to their new role as parents. Tharn can't bother them with this. It's his fault and his alone, he will cope with it alone.
Phaya has been gone for hours now. No message. No clue where he's gone. Maybe Tharn shouldn't have told him Kheng's name. Is there a chance that Phaya has gone to confront him? Is he blaming Kheng for what happened?
Tharn doesn't even have Kheng's number, so he can't text him to… to what? Warn him? Does Tharn really think Phaya would do something reckless like take revenge on Kheng, when Tharn is the one at fault?
Maybe Phaya doesn't come back because he doesn't want to see Tharn right now. It isn't right. If Phaya doesn't want to see him, it should be Tharn leaving. Maybe he should text Phaya and tell him he's going to a hotel.
No, what if Phaya comes back to talk and Tharn is gone? What if Phaya thinks he's gone back to Kheng or something like that? The thought makes Tharn shudder. He doesn't want to be in a hotel room. He wants to be somewhere safe, he wants to be home, but home is…
He's exhausted. He should probably get some sleep. Maybe with a clear mind he will know what to do, how to make this right again. Not right. It's never going to be right again. How to make it hurt less for Phaya.
He can't keep wondering, so he tries to call Phaya once, but only gets the mailbox. So, what now? Can he just go to sleep in their bed? He imagines Phaya coming home, seeing Tharn sleeping in their bed like nothing happened and just leaving again. That's not an option.
They have a couch that is slightly too small to spend the night there. It was never meant for someone to sleep on it, because not once has Tharn thought that they would ever have the kind of relationship where one of them is relegated to the couch. But it will have to do for now, because he is not just going to sleep in Phaya's bed until they have talked.
He tries to sleep, but the moment he closes his eyes, he is haunted by images of Phaya in a prison cell, hands red from Kheng's blood.
He grabs his phone, presses the call button before he can reconsider. Again, Phaya's mailbox tells him to leave a message so he hangs up. Phaya has a right to be left alone. Phaya has a right to…
Kheng lying on the ground motionless. Phaya in handcuffs.
Phaya wouldn't.
Tharn is not doing him justice. He can get jealous and angry but he isn't violent. What is Tharn even thinking? If anyone deserves Phaya's anger, it's Tharn. He's the one who… he's…
Tharn thinks he can remember the feel of Kheng's lips on his mouth. It almost makes him throw up again.
In his mind, Phaya's fist connects with Kheng's face. Blood dripping from a split lip. Sirens. Akk chiding Phaya. Phaya's eyes staring motionless into the void as he is forced to hand in his badge.
Tharn's fingers are on his phone again, pressing the button to send a voice message.
"Phaya, please…"
What is he even saying? Please don't hurt Kheng? Please come back?
"Please don't do anything that will hurt you."
He exhales shakily as the message is sent. Then throws the phone half across the couch table, making it fall off the far edge. He doesn't bother picking it up again. What right does he have? What right does he have to ask anything of Phaya now?
He still can't sleep. He feels sticky again from all the tossing and turning. Reluctantly, he gets up. He needs a glass of water. And a quick shower. Then he will try to sleep again.
Tharn must have drifted off to sleep eventually, because he wakes to the sound of the door closing. His body is already moving, sliding down from the couch onto his knees in a drowsy haze, before his mind has a chance to comprehend what's happening.
"Phaya…"
Tharn looks up at his husband from where he's kneeling. In the darkness he can barely make out his features but he still sees Phaya turn his head away, avoiding Tharn's gaze.
"What are you doing on the couch?"
Just hearing Phaya's voice is making Tharn well up again but he swallows the tears back. He's not the one who was hurt. This is not about his pain.
"I didn't know if… I thought maybe, when you come home, you don't want to…"
"I didn't ask you to sleep on the couch."
"No."
Tharn strains his eyes, tries to read something in Phaya's face, something about what he wants Tharn to do. The moment he shifts his weight to get up and turn on the light, Phaya suddenly moves, sinking down right next to Tharn, his back leaning against the couch, head in his hands.
The faint scent of cigarettes hits Tharn's nose when Phaya comes to sit next to him. It's the first time Tharn smells it since Phaya stopped smoking two years ago.
Tharn doesn't know what to do, every word he could say feeling entirely inadequate for what he's feeling. So it's Phaya who finally breaks the silence between them. Tharn can't see if there are tears in his eyes, but his voice sounds rough when he starts to speak.
"I called Thongthai."
"What?"
"I didn't tell him what happened." Phaya lets his head fall back onto the couch, eyes staring at the ceiling. "Just that we had a bad fight. I don't know… I figured, him and Khem had some bumps in their road. Maybe he has some insights to share."
Thongthai. Tharn's surprise fades quickly, seeing how Phaya's choice actually makes the most sense.
"And… did he?" Tharn asks, not knowing what else to say.
"He said that… whatever the problem is, if we want to solve it, we need to look at it as us against the problem. Not us against each other."
"Is that what you want to do?"
Tharn's voice is less than a whisper, just the faint sense of hope carried on a breath.
If we want to solve it. If.
If Phaya sees a way to solve it, to forgive and move forward, maybe…
"I spent a whole year looking for you."
Phaya's voice is shaking slightly, the untold implications hanging between them. He, who spent a whole year looking, who was ready to give up everything for Tharn, is now sitting here in the darkness, being repaid in nothing but pain.
"Phaya…"
"I'm not… I'm not giving up on us just because of one mistake." Phaya finally lifts his head from the couch, turning towards Tharn, his face is still covered in darkness. "It was just once, right? You didn't… have something going for the whole week or…"
"No! No way. Phaya, I would never."
Tharn doesn't know how he can promise that, given what has happened, but he knows that just the thought of going back to Kheng, of ever being touched by him again, makes his stomach turn.
"I need some time," Phaya says slowly. "Just to… just a little time."
"Anything. Anything you want. I want to make this right. I want to… I will do anything I can to make this right."
"Okay. Let's just get some sleep. But for fuck's sake, Tharn, come back to bed. We don't have the kind of relationship where one of us sleeps on the couch."
They go to bed together. But not together. There's no goodnight kiss. No last smile before they fall asleep. There's only silence between them, weighing down every movement as Tharn gets the bedding from the couch back to the bed and Phaya goes to brush his teeth.
It's quiet. Lying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling, Tharn doesn't know if he should say goodnight or just leave it. Or say sorry again. Or explain how disgusted he is with himself.
No. Phaya wanted time, so Tharn will give him time. It's the least he can do. Time and space to process.
His mind still won't settle. Lying next to Phaya, listening to him falling asleep, his breathing calm and steady, feels wrong in ways Tharn can't explain, making part of him wish he was still on the couch.
His phone.
He remembers throwing it across the couch table but he didn't pick it up again. The thought of it lying on the floor where someone might step on it suddenly pinches his brain. He can't stand it.
He moves slowly, always careful not to wake Phaya, when he gets up and makes his way into the living room. Once he's got his phone, he'll maybe be able to finally fall asleep.
He finds it easily, even in the dark. Picking it up, he sees he's got a new message. His stomach drops, thinking that maybe it's from Phaya, maybe he responded, maybe he texted something he couldn't say face to face, maybe this will give Tharn some clue on how to make things right…
It's from Thongthai instead.
Hey, I don't know what's going on between you and Phaya but he called me and he is really desperate to work this out. Whatever he has done, you know he loves you more than anything.
Once the tears come, there is no more stopping them. Tharn is cowering on the ground, sinking against the couch. He is shivering, his body convulsing as he desperately tries to keep his sobs quiet enough so he won't wake Phaya.
What has he done?
What has he done to the man who loves him more than anything?