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People have no idea how much I hate absolutely everything. Every single thing that happens feels like the end of the world, and everybody in the world is against me. Is that paranoia? Probably. I get overwhelmed by things that are nothing to other people, and that stress turns to anger, and that anger turns to violence.
It’s not like I enjoy hurting people, it’s just the only way I know how to express my anger. I can’t talk it out, I can’t speak right. I can’t ignore it, it would all come back out at some point or another. I hate myself for being so destructive.
I hate myself. I destroy what I hate.
I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you all through, this is my apology.
-Error
~~~~~~~~
Winter is hard for a dysfunctional family. Everyone is stuck inside and the house that felt so big when you were young, just feels cramped. It was too early in the winter for snow, but enough to be freezing cold out, so there was nothing to do but stay inside.
My brothers and I were in the living room watching a Christmas movie, despite it still being a month and a half until Christmas. Geno and I were on the couch while Fresh was on the floor, hardly paying attention to what was playing on the screen. As we’ve grown up, Fresh and I’s fights have become more like bickering, but we still have our moments. Geno’s condition has only improved a bit, but he hasn’t had nearly as many hospital visits recently.
I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie either, I was busy attempting to knit since I only knew how to crochet at that point. My plan was to knit sweaters for the family as gifts, but I would probably only get one for mom at this point. Fresh lifted his head from whatever recalled 80s death trap disguised as a kids toy that he was messing with and turned to me with question marks in his glasses .
“Yo broski, whatdya workin on there?” He pointed to the poorly knit strings stitched between each needle.
“It’s nothing.” I snapped back, I didn’t mean to sound rude, but I was already irritated by how difficult it was to sew every single stitch.
“Well, it’s clearly posed’ too be something.” He sat up to get a closer look at what I was working on, getting a little too close for comfort.
“Gh- I told you it’s nothing, it’s just practice.” I shoved Fresh away, not aggressively, just so he’s not in my face. That didn’t stop fresh from persisting. He continued to grab each material and tool, asking unnecessary questions about each one, it was getting annoying. It was getting hard for me to focus on anything with all the layered noises. Fresh’s constant questions, the movie in the back, mom cooking in the other room, the rain dripping on the roof, it was starting to get overwhelming.
I wasn’t trying to lash out at Fresh and I didn’t mean to hurt him, it felt like something else had taken over my body, something I’ve become disgustingly familiar with. I wasn’t in control of the strings that grabbed ahold of my brother, nor how they shoved him against the wall hard enough to make something crack, be it the wall or Fresh himself. He just got too close.
“OUCH- d-don’t get so heated my guy…” Fresh rubbed the back of his skull as the strings retracted. I hadn’t even realized that I was angry at all until Fresh had pointed it out, and I couldn’t even hear Geno yelling at him till I felt his hand on my shoulder
“What the hell are you doing!? He hadn’t even done anything!” When mom stepped into the room, Geno got up to make sure Fresh was okay. It was only then that I started to feel my own anger, it’s suffocating, it’s impossible to even speak, I didn’t even know why I was so angry. My thoughts were cut off by CQ’s voice.
“What is wrong with you. I had just started to think that you had grown out of those outbursts!” Mom’s words always stuck the most. “I don’t know why you can’t just grow up already, it’s shameful.” I couldn’t even get a word in. “You know how stressed I am every single day, and you only make it worse for me. Now go to your room until dinner then be ready to apologize.”
I didn’t protest, I’ve learned not to. Each step to my room felt like walking in quicksand, maybe it was the weight of those words I hadn't heard in a while, and each time I had been hurt by them before rushing back to him at once. Once I had finally made it to my room, it didn’t feel any better. It was the feeling of knowing that my family was still talking about me that made me feel more sick than I already did.
The room is entirely space themed, it’s been my biggest interest since I was a kid. The sight of stars never failed to calm me down, but not today. Maybe I had been ignoring my anger, not actually getting better. Maybe I can’t grow up. Maybe if I can’t let myself grow up I won’t let myself grow anymore at all.
Maybe I could finally show that I do know what the right thing to do is. Maybe I could prove I’m not as selfish, selfish for making them deal with me for so long. All I ever do is destroy, physically for Fresh, and I just make mom and Geno more stressed. I don’t even know why they haven’t kicked me out. But now I know what to do.
I’m going to kill myself tonight.
I put headphones on and begin playing a song, the last song I will ever listen to. I always imagined a scenario that my mom would hear it and finally understand me. She’ll understand soon enough, even if it means I’m not there to see her realize.
Mom, I’m tired.
I sit at my desk, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen. I start writing with no real plan except for whatever words decide to come out of me.
Can I sleep in your house tonight?
Before I even realize it, I have a suicide note in front of me. My handwriting sucks, I hope they can read it.
Mom, is it alright
I get up from the squeaky office chair at my desk. Fresh found it on the street but gave it to me because he said it didn’t match his room. He only didn’t give it to Geno because he already had one. He doesn’t care about me. He shouldn’t anyway.
If I stay for a year or two?
I look at my walls, most of them are covered in posters. There are some spots with things engraved on them that I made after a panic attack once. I can’t understand what they’re saying anymore but I can still feel how I felt back then when I see them now.
Mom, I’ll be quiet.
I look at myself in the mirror one last time. I feel disgusting. It’s not that I think im ugly at all, it’s just that when I look at myself I don’t see myself. I’m glad I won’t ever have to look at me again. I wish I was a real man.
It would be just to sleep at night.
I’m angry again, I don’t know why, but I barely have the energy to do anymore than ripping up a few pieces of paper. Sometimes I cry when I’m angry, or at the very least my eyes cloud up with those stupid glitches, but neither is happening.
And I’ll leave once I figure out
I throw my glasses on the floor in anger. I’ve broken my glasses too many times to count. Sometimes it’s not my fault but most of the time it is. Whenever I get new ones it’s always the same exact kind, I’m told it’s because they fit my face well.
How to pay for my own life too.
I look at a photo on my nightstand, it’s of my best friend Ink and I. Whenever I think about them I feel calm, but right now I just feel regret. I don’t get to say goodbye to them, I wish I could tell them how much I love them, but I know that reaching out will only make it worse.
Mom, will you wash my back?
I lay in my bed for the last time with the picture of Ink lying next to me. My bed is uncomfortable and it’s not made, the mattress is too big for the sheets, but an uncomfortable bed feels nicer when it’s the last time you lay in it.
This once, and then we can forget it all
I reach for the box cutter I have in the drawer in my nightstand, I always have it close to me, I don’t know why. I got it years ago when I was super into making little setups for my puppets, but I don’t care about them anymore.
And I’ll leave what I’m chasing
I finally feel the blade touch the skin against my wrists, it stings as it slides across my veins, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. But it’s true that i didn’t care that it hurt, it felt like I deserved it.
For the other girls to pursue
The blood that dripped down my arms was soothing for the cuts, but it also made me realize that at this point, there was no going back, this was the end. The deep red stained the sheets below me, I tried to not let it ruin the picture of ink.
Mom, am I still young?
My eyes start to go dark. I feel afraid. I’m not afraid of death, I’m afraid of how my family will react, and I’m afraid that if hell is real, I’ll be going to it. But fear is not regret.
Can I dream for a few months more?
I want my mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~
(Third person pov)
Back downstairs, Geno and Fresh were sitting at the kitchen table while CQ finished up cooking. Those three were always good at making conversation, Error felt like he he was two quiet to ever get a word in.
“Fresh honey, are you sure you’re okay? I know your head is still sensitive from the incident a few years ago.” She looked back at the two boys sitting at the table, but her hands didn’t leave the kitchen counter.
“Nah it’s all a-okay. You don’t gotta worry about me so much” He didn’t remember the incident that CQ was talking about well, she brought it up a lot but never went in detail enough for him to fully remember. He got the hint that it was probably something she didn’t want to get into, so he never really pushed for it.
“You worry too much, mom. Maybe for your birthday or something you should clear out a week to just relax? Ya’know, just let us take care of things for a few days.” Geno suggested. Ever since he's been getting better, he’s constantly trying to make it up to CQ for all the time she’s spent worrying about and taking care of him.
“You boys are so sweet…but if I left you guys to take care of the whole house it would probably just make me worry more hehe…” She was right, a lot of things would most likely end up broken if they were left alone for that long. After another minute, CQ finishes dinner and has Fresh and Geno set it out on the table. She calls down for Error to no response. After another minute she calls again, still with no luck”
“Sigh. Can one of you go get your sister? -I mean brother, sorry, I’m still getting used to that…”
“No problemo, Ma.” Fresh stands back up and heads up the stairs. Once he reaches Error’s room, he knocks on the door. “Yo glitchy brah, Mama wants you downstairs for dinner!” There’s still no response. There’s no other option than to open the door, risking getting something thrown at him, but instead he’s met with something much worse.
Error is lying on his bed, the blankets below him were soaked in blood that was gushing from his wrists. The blade was still resting in his hands and his eyes were filled with glitches, his body doing the same. He was still breathing.
“U-uh..Ma, you should get up here like…now!” He didn’t have a real sense of urgency, but he was smart enough to know that this is really bad. CQ doesn’t hesitate to start up the stairs, Geno follows but slower, he still needs a cane to walk better.
“What’s the matter—“ The second CQ gets a glance into the room, she gasps and rushes in, immediately at his side. “Dammit dammit dammit! Error, baby, speak to me, please darling!” She grabs the closest fabric and wraps it tightly around his wrists, trying to slow the bleeding as much as she can. “Someone call an ambulance.” Fresh is the first to run down and grab the phone, Geno is just reaching the room.
“O-oh my god…” He could feel his heart drop the second he saw the scene in front of him. He had to hold himself back from freaking out himself. CQ tells him to go call Asy while Fresh calls the police. He doesn’t hesitate.
“I’m sorry my baby, I’m sorry for yelling please just stay with me…” CQ mutters while holding Error close to her chest. She’s going through every single thing she could have done to prevent this, finding a way to place the blame on herself. She wasn’t far off.
The rest of the night was a blur. Asy arrived and tried to keep the other boys calm while Error was being brought to the hospital. The three of them followed them to the hospital, mostly just to support CQ. It was good they were there. Geno was freaking out almost as much as CQ was, it wasn’t good for his soul. It soon got to the point that he couldn’t breathe and had to be placed in a room as well. CQ had to go with Geno, Asy had to stay with Fresh and Error.
Nothing can ever go right.
~~~~~~~~
I wake up to the sight of a bright light hitting my eyes, it’s natural light, it’s the sun, my ears are ringing. Is this heaven? Everything is bright…it hurts my eyes…it hurts. Heaven isn’t supposed to hurt. That’s when I realized, I woke up. The bright light was the morning sun shining through a window, the white covered room was the hospital. I was in pain.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was all supposed to be over now, I’m not supposed to wake up, I’m not supposed to have another chance. I’m supposed to be dust, I’m not supposed to take up space on this planet anymore. I’m not supposed to be here. Panic sets in, I scream.
“Woah woah woah! Buddy calm down..” I hear a voice coming from in front of me, my head hurts and my eyes are too blurry to see who it is, but it sounds like uncle Asy. I can’t calm down, this was meant to be my end, I can’t go back now.
“Kid, it’s okay. I ain’t touching ya, you’re safe. You’re in the hospital.” He spoke softly, I wanted to just jump out of this damn bed and throw myself out the window, end it for real, but a wave of exhaustion barely let me even move. I was too tired to scream or struggle, so I did the next best thing, sobbed like a toddler.
I let Asy hug me, he’s been in my life long enough for me to be okay with it. I was still so confused, how am I alive? Why do I hurt so bad? Why do I feel so dizzy? Why is Asy here? Where are my brothers? Where is my mom?
“Wh-where…where’s my m-mama…Geno…F-fresh…” I was even surprised by how quiet and raspy my voice sounded. The second I mentioned his name, the parasite spoke up from across the room, sitting in the other chair.
“Ay bro, I’m here. You good ‘dough? Yous was bleedin for a good 20 minutes.” He didn’t get up from the chair, it was difficult to see him. But I doubt that was much of a look of concern on his face. He’s just barely started to get little flashes of emotion.
“…I..U-uhm…” I tried to respond but no words would come out of my mouth, only more sobs. If I was really bleeding that long then it makes sense I’m pretty dizzy. If only they left me there a little bit longer, maybe I really would be gone.
“Just give em’ a second, Fresh. I know you’re probably curious.” Asy said, still hugging me, he leaned in closer to my ear and spoke softly “I know how you feel kid, I know how crushing it is to wake up after that. I know how much it can hurt.” It somehow made me feel more calm. After a few minutes my crying calmed down.
“Where’s Geno…and where’s mom..?” I asked. Asy’s awkward smile faded and he hesitated to answer.
“Well, Geno was of course really worried about ya…when we got to the hospital he started having bad coughing fits. It got so bad that he had to be hospitalized too, and CQ went with him.” My heart dropped as he explained. Even when I was trying to make it better for them, I only made it worse. Asy saw my expression and immediately started trying to comfort me again.
“But don’t worry! He’s in stable condition, I’m sure I can go get CQ to come and talk to you, she’s probably just asleep.” I nodded, just glad that Geno is okay. Part of me was scared to talk to my mom. Am I supposed to just apologize or something. Like, ‘sorry I tried to kill myself it won’t happen again.’
“Ay, can I come with? I want the status update on G dawg too.” Fresh asked, standing up from his chair. Asy shut him down while walking to the door.
“No can do kiddo. Someone’s gotta stay here, Glitchy over there is on suicide watch.”
What.
“Suicide watch!??”
“Yep! Hope ya don’t have to use the bathroom or anything, or you too are gonna get much closer than I assume you wanna be. I’ll be back with CQ!” And he left the room, leaving just me and Fresh alone in the hospital room.
“Suicide watch. Are you funking kidding me!” I grumbled “what do they expect me to do, strangle myself with the dang IV drip??” Now that I think about it, that’s not a far off possibility. I wouldn’t trust myself either
“Sooo, guess it’s just you and me broseph.” He sat back down on the chair and kicked his legs up onto the edge of the hospital bed. “Now that it’s just us, why didya do it?” I curled my legs up to my chin.
“The same reason anyone would. I just wasn’t happy being alive anymore.” While that was partially true, it was a lot more than just that. Fresh hummed in reply and reached his hand into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper.
“Before we followed you and Ma to the hospital, I saw this in ya room so I brought it wit me. I couldn’t stop reading it over and over, ya know your handwriting pretty bogus.” He joked. What he had in his hand was my suicide note. “But I couldn’t get it off my mind ya know? I knew I was right all along.”
“Right about what? That I’m a suicidal lunatic.” I snapped back.
“Nah nah nah, I was right that you don’t like being angry. When I was a lil squirt I always thought you musta enjoyed it for how angry you were all the time. But as I grew up, I noticed dat you got really upset every time we’d fight, I didn’t understand it but I think I get it now.” He said all of this with a straight face.
I couldn’t believe it. Fresh couldn’t care, but seeing how he tried so hard to still understand, I couldn’t help but feel proud of my little brother. He was always trying to look deeper than what he saw on the surface. He’s a pain in the ass but he’s a smart pain in the ass.
“…it’s impossible to hide anything from you, isn’t it…” I can’t look into his eyes. My eyes are too blurry for me to see deep enough into his eyes anyway. Fresh leans back in the chair and kicks his feet up.
“Well, whenever you get something straight outa da womb…you don’t pay as much attention to it as someone who has to find it ‘emselves, ya’know?” There was still no emotion behind any of his words and yet they still sounded so genuine. I don't hate Fresh, I've never hated him. I was just mad I wasn't smart enough to understand him, despite how stupidly he talks.
“You're…way smarter than you let on… I really do care about you fresh." maybe I have matured. I've always felt that way about him but I never thought to say it, maybe because when I was younger I was just always mad at him. My mind is just constantly going back to the one time he left me. And even as I've gotten older I struggled to break the impression that he was anything but insensitive and annoying.
He's still annoying, but dammit I love him.
“Hey brah… I was just thinking about one time I actually saw–”
Suddenly mom bursted through the hospital room door and basically launched at me to hug me. It was so tight that it hurt, she's never hugged me like this. It took almost losing me for her to care this much. I would be angry but I'm too tired to be. She was crying and soon enough so was I
“I'm so sorry honey I'm sorry I wasn't there I'm sorry that you felt the need to do that. I'm sorry–” she kept mumbling apologies into my shoulder. I hated feeling so much at once, I never knew what the right thing to say was at that moment.
“Is Geno okay?... “ as the words left my mouth it felt like I was teleported back to when I was a little kid. Constantly bugging my mom about Geno's condition and crying no matter what the answer was.
“Yes, he's fine honey. He had an asthma attack when we got to the hospital because he was so worried about you… But he's already better. I want to focus on you, Error. I know now that I've really only been focused on your brothers, I didn't mean to push you to the side. “ She doesn't mention that the only attention she would give me was to scold me.
“... And it took me trying to kill myself for you to notice?" I didn't mean to say it out loud, I know how much it will hurt her. I prepare for her to yell at me about being ungrateful and selfish, but instead she hugs me tighter.
“I know. I'm so so sorry that it came to that point. I promise that I'll be better from now on, I promise I'll be fair." She looked straight in my eyes as he said it. I didn't appreciate the direct eye contact, but it let me see the genuine guilt in her eyes. I feel terrible for making her feel like this, I feel selfish. I just hope she sticks to her word.
We talked for a while, both of us obviously trying to keep the conversation lighthearted, avoiding talking about why I did it. Fresh was the only one who had seen the note and if I'm being honest, I'd just feel worse if mom saw it now. At one point she goes to go wash her face, leaving just me and Fresh alone again.
“So… What were you trying to say before mom came in?" I asked. Fresh hesitated before answering.
“Well uh, I would say it's nothin but I know it ain't. There was a day when I finally caught that super rare awesome Mewtwo in Pokemon, and I was crazy excited to show ya. I was about to go to your room, but I saw something totally unfresh through the crack in the door. I'm sure ya know where I'm going with this. “ He was right, I did.
“I didn't really know what ta do, so I didn't tell nobody. I know that ain't the right thing to do, so I'm sorry bro. “ I know he couldn't actually be sorry, but he knew he was supposed to be. I used to get mad at him for that but I know he's trying.
“Don't be sorry, I get it." I was more embarrassed than anything, having my brother see me doing something so pathetic. But that embarrassment was cut short by the sound of two doors opening at once. My mom coming out of the bathroom, and Aunt Com coming through the hospital room door, with Ink.
Com had her arm across Ink and her hand gripped onto the door frame, presumably trying to keep them from running at me immediately. They were shaking and their face looked full of confusion and fear. It made me feel even more guilty than before.
“Oh good, you’re here. Come on Fresh let's give these give these two some time alone… “ CQ motioned for fresh to follow her and left the room. Com whispered something to Ink about being gentle around me and followed the other two out. The moment that the door had shut behind them, it's as if they had immediately forgotten what she had just said and ran up to hug me. I didn't mind though.
“What happened? Why are you here? Are you okay?!" They spat out questions faster than I could understand them, each question made me more confused. Did Aunt Com not tell them what happened? Did she even know? Why do I have to be the one to explain it to them?
“Well I uh…” before I could answer I saw their eyes dart down to the bandages over my wrists. I hoped that maybe they would be able to put two and two together, but they still looked confused.
“Why are there bandages there… Did someone hurt you?" hearing them so concerned about me made me feel terrible. I couldn't look them in the eyes.
“no Ink, I… I did it to myself. “ my voice felt shaky, I didn't have to look in their eyes to know that they were deep blue. They started bombarding me with even more questions, black ink tears formed in their eyes.
“Ink! Please… Calm down… I don't want to talk about it right now, I just want to be with you. Just know it's not at all your fault… “ I wrap my arms around them and lay my head into their chest. I scoot over to make room for them while they climb into the hospital bed with me. It felt good to have them so close to me.
“... This breaks your streak of being the only kid in your family not to end up in the hospital” they joke, trying to lighten the mood. They're really good at that, they never fail to make me laugh. When it seemed like no one else loved me, I could always be sure that they did, even when being a huge jerk. Both of us stayed quiet for a while, staring at the ceiling. I decided to be the one to break the silence.
“I love you, squid." I've told them the same thing plenty of times, but it feels different when you thought you would never be able to say it again. I move my hand to interlock with theirs and roll over to put my other arm around them too.
“I love you too, glitchy…" they accept the embrace, obviously. They're one of the only people I trust to touch me.
“Hey Error, I just remembered something we used to say when we were younger. We would lay in the grass at night at look at the stars, you were always so obsessed with them! But you would tell me you loved me, and I always respond with ‘then marry me’ and you would tell me that you wanted to get married on Saturn because it was your favorite planet ( still is).” They stopped for a moment to wipe the dark tears in their eyes before continuing.
“I would point to a random star and call it Saturn, we both knew it wasn't though hehe… And you would say ‘but I get to wear the suit and you have to wear a pretty dress’. After that we wouldn't stop telling our moms that we were gonna get married on Saturn. “ they giggled. I'm glad they couldn't see my face because I was beet red.
“Maybe someday we will… “
Someday. That's something to live for. The people around me are something to live for. I was just afraid that they didn't love me. With people like fresh I can never know for sure, with Asy it could all be for the pay, with Geno it might just be because I'm his brother, with mom… I don't even know, but Ink. They have no reason to love me, but they still do.
If no one else I'll always have them, and that's a good start.