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Pure Vanilla Cookie hears voices. Not like the light of truth speaking in his head, or those of demons whispering terrible things. No, in fact, he was sure the voice was his own. Despite not wanting to think certain things, they would just pop into his head.
‘Don’t step on that crack’ He heard as he was walking down the sidewalk, admiring the flowers that grew best in the Pure Vanilla Kingdom, lilies. That’s right, he should always step in the middle of the tiles, stepping on the cracks just didn’t feel right. He adjusted his stride not thinking much more deeply about it. Instead, he focused on the rows of blue and white flowers lining the walk way. He had always loved flowers, but after White Lily disappeared he found them even more alluring.
‘Why did she leave? Was it my fault?’ He shook off the thought, not breaking his stride. He hadn’t come out today just to admire the flora. He shifted his weight, turning down an alley way, the one he always came to on Thursdays. He peeked his head around a stack of boxes to see a small group of cats lazing about. As soon as they saw him they jumped about greeting him with soft excited mewls. He smiled gently.
“Good morning, I’m a bit late today aren’t I?” He rustled around in his bag pulling out a few cans of cat food. He crouched down as one approached him. He always liked to stay on their level, they were such small creatures after all.
‘That’s right, you’re a big oaf compared to them, your foot could crush their skulls-’ Pure Vanilla shifted his weight away from the cat rubbing against his boot. He only took a moment of pause to shake away the gruesome image in his head. He would never hurt an animal, not on purpose at least. After a moment of hesitation he reached down gently petting the small creature.
“Have you lost weight? Maybe I should come more often…” He spoke to himself quietly, feeling the small frame of the cat under his light touch. He got to work, eyes half lidded in his focus as he opened the cans, placing them down for the impatient creatures rubbing on him. He laughed to himself. It always improved his mood to come here. He stayed crouched there for a bit longer simply watching them before using the box next to him to stand, to avoid falling onto the poor little animals. With one more glance back he continued on his walk.
—
Outside the window of Pure Vanilla’s study the sky darkened as it turned a dusky purple. He had intended to go out for drinks with his dear friends Dark Cacao and Holly Berry. He was happy to have united with them, that’s what he thought as he breathed in deeply trying to loosen the tightness in his throat.
‘Careful, you may push them away like you did White Lily.’
He sighed trying to push the thought away. But… still it’s not like he could really disprove it. If he could talk to White Lily then… right maybe then he’d have proof. He pushed himself from his chair deciding he shouldn’t make his friends wait any longer.
As he walked towards the saloon, the air was cool and quiet, not even stirred by a whisper in the empty streets. A street lamp flickered alluringly across the street. Pure Vanilla paused, taking notice of his stride. Oh that’s right, he mustn't step on those cracks. He wasn’t really sure why not, and now that he thought of it, really four strides ought to fit into a single large tile and one stride should span 5 small tiles and always land in the middle. Yes, that was the best way to walk. It’s not like there would be any issues if he didn’t but this was the right way.
‘What if Dark Cacao and Holly Berry get tired waiting for you?’
Pure Vanilla picked up the pace, being sure not to break the pattern even so, though it was a bit of a struggle. Finally he made it to the town square. There were more people in this area. It wasn’t bustling really, the Pure Vanilla Kingdom didn’t have much night life these days, but he was working on finding the people who were displaced after he isolated himself.
‘It was really terrible for you to do that.’ Pure Vanilla paused outside of the saloon. He had no choice, that’s what he had thought. He fiddled with his thumbs quietly, unable to shake the thought. Indeed it had been harmful to many groups of people and the Kingdom had a greater population of disadvantaged people than it ever had before. Had he made the wrong choice back then? But everyone told him he hadn’t. He took his right finger and tapped it gently onto his left wrist 4 times before opening the doors; just a small nervous habit he’d picked up to dispel tension. Seeing his friends would banish these terrible thoughts.
Pure Vanilla glanced around the tables scanning until he saw Holly Berry’s bright hair at a table in the corner. Really he would have preferred one closer to a window but he didn’t mind at all. In fact he was glad they had waited for him, it would have felt terribly dreadful if they had left.
‘Why wouldn’t they leave? Maybe they pity you?’
“Pure Vanilla!” Holly Berry waved him over as soon as she made eye contact with him. He paused awkwardly before he began making his way over to them. He couldn’t avoid the seams between the wooden floorboards but it was fine because it was only a short distance– the tension didn’t have time to build. He took the seat next to Holly Berry.
“I was beginning to worry about you!” Holly Berry laughed, patting him on the back. He felt some of his tension melt away. He glanced over to the ever stoic Dark Cacao before answering. Dark Cacao nodded, though Pure Vanilla thought he saw a smile. Perhaps he had been worried for nothing. These were his dearest friends. Well, most of them anyways.
‘Don’t be too greedy, Pure Vanilla Cookie, that’s how you push people away.’ Was he… greedy? Maybe it was greedy to want White Lily back, after all the things he had said to her. He smiled, Holly Berry often worried when he wasn’t smiling.
‘Isn’t that lying?’ Well, whatever. He gently tapped the table 4 times with his right index finger, making sure his hand was hidden by a nearby plate. Holly Berry called over a waiter and ordered his drinks for him. His gaze flicked back to Dark Cacao who was watching him with his clear dark eyes. Pure Vanilla looked away.
‘He saw.’ He knew that Dark Cacao saw, it’s not like that needed to give that a special thought.
‘Don’t you think he’s going to think you’re weird now?’ Pure Vanilla tapped the table again 4 times with his right index finger. He wasn’t sure what his face looked like but Dark Cacao moved his chair closer to him.
“Are you ok?”
‘Now you’ve done it.’
“I- I’m fine, today was just a lot. Our funds are in shambles right now.” Pure Vanilla sighed as a drink was placed in front of him. He hadn’t wanted Dark Cacao to notice that. Wait but, there’s nothing wrong with tapping a table so why did he feel like he did something dirty? It just calmed him down a bit. It was just a little habit.
“Remember, you can ask us for help.” Dark Cacao said, his voice felt stern but Pure Vanilla knew he was trying to be nice.
‘God, and burden them like that? Then they really will leave.’
“Of course I know that.”
“That’s right, Pure Vanilla! We’re in this together, just like old times!” Holly Berry’s voice had a sing-song quality. She was always so jovial, and she always knew what to say. Pure Vanilla took a thoughtful sip of his drink.
“Just like old times…”
‘Except White Lily isn’t here, and I’m sure Golden Cheese wouldn’t like to see you either. Didn’t you hear? Her whole kingdom is nowhere to be found, she and all her citizens vanished. If only you’d done more to protect your so-called friends.’
Pure Vanilla took another sip.
—
It was by about his 5th glass that Holly Berry took notice.
“Pure Vanilla, maybe you should take it easy. You don’t weigh very much afterall!”
Pure Vanilla looked up at her from under his brow. Had he drank too much? Who cares though, that damn voice had shut up for now. This way he could just have fun with everyone, or maybe she was saying that because he wasn’t any fun right now. His vision started to blur, usually he was a bit more fun when he was drinking but right now it just felt like it was filling a deep hole in his stomach. If he stopped he could feel the thoughts bubbling up again constricting his throat. Suddenly he felt hot tears pricking at the edges of his eyes. No, no don’t cry, then they’ll just feel burdened by you. You’re reliable friends won’t want to always be relied on, especially after you left them on their own like that. The thoughts swirled around behind his eyes, when did those thoughts become his own. This wasn’t supposed to happen, those weren’t his thoughts. All those awful things, White Lily, fractured cat bones beneath his feet, pushing everyone away. That wasn’t him. If that was him how could he refute it, he was the Ancient Hero of truth.
Suddenly a warm reassuring hand clasped on his shoulder.
“Why don’t you tell us what’s wrong?” Dark Cacao’s steady calm voice came next to him. He must have moved his chair closer and not noticed. He blinked the tears from his eyes to see the worried gazes of his two friends. Two of his closest friends. How could he doubt them? Who was he to doubt them?
“I’ve just been having such… awful thoughts.” He said finally. His voice cracked, he hadn’t realized how dry his throat had gotten. Suddenly he was pulled into a strong warm embrace, the sweet scent of berries and the sour reeking scent of wine enveloped him as Holly Berry hugged him tight. It had been a long time since he had been able to talk to them like this.
“Do you think… White Lily… do you think she left because of me?” He whispered, slowly bringing his arms up to return that constricting embrace.
“Now why would you think that!? You know that White Lily! She’s always off on her own, we couldn’t drag her down like that.”
Pure Vanilla went quiet. That’s true, the things that are true now, hadn’t they always been true? He wiped the tears from his eyes. Even if White Lily was gone, and even if it was his fault, it didn’t matter because he wasn’t alone. Isn’t that all that really mattered?