Employee Rewards Appreciation Program

by ArcSilverfishTheBugWriter

Summary:

Elias institutes an employee rewards program. How come Jon's rewards always suck?

Chapter 1: Employee Rewards Program

Elias
Hello, Archive staff. I have some very exciting news for all of you.

Tim
… Are we getting raises?

Martin
More tea for the breakroom?

Jon
(muttering) You’re firing Martin?

Martin
(offended sound)

Sasha
We’re getting more staff to help with our very disorganized archive?

Elias
No no no, even BETTER!

Jon
(muttering) You’re murdering Martin?

Martin
(spluttering sound)

Elias
I’m starting an Employee Rewards Program to reward you for excellent work! Every Friday, one of our amazing Archive staff will be drawn out of this cup here
(shakes cup)
And I’ll draw a prize out of this one
(shakes second cup)
(chuckles) Martin, just to let you know there Are some tea-related prizes.

Martin
(cheers) YESSSS!

Elias
And Jon, no, we’re not Murdering Martin. GL man, get a grip.

Jon
(embarrassed, muttering) I… I didn’t realize you could hear me…

…

Elias
Okay, now for our first PRIZE RECIPIENT!
(rustling sound) Martin!
(rustling sound) You won… a gift card to the local tea shop!

Martin
YES!

…

Elias
Time to get the next week’s winner…
(rustling sound) Jon!
(rustling sound) You won… a coupon for a massage at Just Melts the Pain Right Off You!

Jon
(annoyed) … Um… what if I don’t Want a massage?

Sasha
(chuckling) You more than anyone in this room could stand to relax.

(general sounds of agreement)

Jon
(resigned sigh)
(slow footsteps)

Elias
Make sure you use it this week - it’s time-limited. Just ask for Diego.

…

(opening door, bell ringing)
(slow, weary footsteps)

Diego
Hello, how may I help you?

Jon
(awkward) I… I have this coupon for a massage.

Diego
Oh, of course. I’ll lead you right back

(footsteps)

Diego
I’ll give you some privacy

Jon
… I prefer to stay as I am, Thanks.

Diego
Of course, just lay down right here on this table.

Jon
(grumbling, rustling sounds of lying down on table)

Diego
And now we begin-

Jon
(SCREAMS)

…

Martin
(horrified) What happened to you?

Jon
… I went to that massage and he accidentally knocked a candle over on me. I guess… it’s the only thing that makes sense but I don’t actually Remember seeing any candles. No matter - I wasn’t exactly super cognizant when the ambulance came for me.

Chapter 2: Jane's Buggie Emporium

Summary:

Jon wins a free pet from Jane's Buggie Emporium!

Elias
And this week’s winner is… Sasha! And she won a… visa gift card!

Sasha
Yes!

…

Elias
And this week’s winner is… Tim! And he won… a clown mobile for his office!

Tim
(angrily storms out of room)

Elias
Huh, I wonder what his problem is?

…

Elias
And this week’s winner is… Martin! And he won… a new notebook!

Martin
Yay!

…

Elias
And this week’s winner is… Jon! And he won… a free pet from Jane’s Buggie Emporium.

Jon
… I’m not sure I want to be responsible for another living creature.

Tim
Yah… it’s not like you can even take care of yourself half the time.

Jon
(offended) You know what? I’ll Get that pet.
(takes coupon, angrily stalks out of room)

…

(door opening, bell ringing)

Jane
Hi, how may I help you?

Jon
(sighs) I… I came here in the heat of the moment but now that I’m here I’m not sure I actually want to go through with this.

Jane
Would you like to just see the bugs?

Jon
(audible eye-roll) Sure

(footsteps)
(door opening, bell ringing)
(racing footsteps)

Martin
Hi Jon! I noticed you forgot your wallet so I brought it for you

Jon
… Thanks? So you like… followed me forty five minutes from the office?

Martin
(somewhat embarrassed) … Um, yes…

Jon
… In the opposite direction of the address we have listed in your employee file?

Martin
(pleasantly surprised) You… you remember my address?

Jon
… Um… ?

Jane
(interrupting) Would you also like to see the buggies?

Martin
Um, sure… I guess.

(footsteps)

Jane
Want to pet the buggies?

Jon
(disgusted) Um, no?

Jane
(chuckles) Well, that’s too bad because they sure want to pet YOU!

Jon
… Um, what -
(SCREAMS)

Martin
(frantic) OH G, OH G, JON!

Jon
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFFFFF!

Martin
(frantic) Uh, uh, what do I DO?

Jon
IT’S GOING INTO MY LEG! AHHHHHHHHHH! OWWWWWW!

Martin
(frantic) (pulling pocket knife with attached corkscrew out of his pocket)

Jon
(SCREAMS)

Martin
I’m… I’m sorry, Jon… it’s out now though

Jon
(gasping)

Martin
… Let’s get the H out of here!

Jon
(gasping, on the verge of passing out) Agreed

Jane
Aw, leaving so soon?

Martin
(incredulous) … You're a real B, you know that right?

(scooping up Jon with a grunt)
(angry departing footsteps)
(door opening and doorbell chime)

…

Jon
(muffled pained sounds)

Martin
(reassuring) It’ll be okay…

Nurse
Mr. Sims?

Martin
Here, I’ll help you up
(sounds of labored footsteps)

Jon
(falling)

Martin
Oh, sorry…

Jon
… I… I guess I can’t quite walk yet…

Chapter 3: Tea

Summary:

Jon's scared to be alone after his worm situation and he and Martin spend some quality time together

Jon
(mildly embarrassed) Thank you, Martin.

Martin
Of course. Where do you keep your blankets?

Jon
Second shelf in the linen closet on your right

Martin
Got it
(footsteps)
(gently spreading blanket over Jon)
Better?

Jon
(Relieved sigh) Much

Martin
So, I guess I’ll just be back in the morning to pick you up… that is if you feel up to coming in tomorrow.

Jon
Sounds good… thank you again, Martin.

(departing footsteps)

Jon
… wait…

(footsteps stop)

Martin
Hmm?

Jon
… Um, I… I… I don’t really want to be alone right now.
(flustered) You definitely don’t have to stay - I just…
(embarrassed) Sorry I don’t even know what I’m saying…
(frustrated sigh) It’s probably the pain meds…

Martin
(audible blush) I can stay, Jon

Jon
(hopeful) Really?

Martin
Of course

Jon
(relieved sigh) Thank you, Martin… I know I haven’t always been
(wry chuckle) The Nicest to you

Martin
(snort of laughter) That’s putting it lightly

Jon
(half chuckle, half sigh) Yah… I’m sorry.

Martin
It’s okay… I’m used to it.

Jon
(pained sound) Oh…

Martin
(forced laugh) Yah, but it’s totally okay. I’m…
(awkward) I’m going to go put some tea on. I think I saw a teapot through there…
(departing footsteps)

Jon
(sad sigh)

…

Martin
Here

Jon
(meek, ashamed) … Thank you

Martin
You only had the one flavor so… I assumed you like it.

Jon
… Yah…

Martin
What?

Jon
… The teapot and tea… they’re actually a Christmas present from last year that I have never used. This is the first tea that thing’s ever made.

Martin
(incredulous) Seriously?

Jon
… Did you not notice the box hadn’t yet been opened?

Martin
I… I just assumed you’d been about to start a new one. I mean… the teapot was out

Jon
(soft chuckle) Yah… That was decorative. As you can tell, this place isn’t the most… homey.

Martin
I wasn’t going to Say anything but… it is pretty bare.

Jon
(chuckles) Yah. I never really have guests over… don’t think I have, well, ever, in this place

Martin
Hmm.

Jon
What?

Martin
So I’m the first then.

Jon
I suppose you are

Martin
I feel special

Jon
(wry chuckle) I’m glad someone gets to feel special. I just feel like worm food

Martin
… special worm food?

Jon
(snort of laughter) Suuure

Martin
(chuckles) I mean, that worm sure seemed happy to be eating you

Jon
(queasy) Can… we not talk about that?

Martin
(embarrassed) Oh… yah… sorry

Jon
… Why don’t you go get us some of the wine from the pantry.

Martin
(dubious) You do you know you’re not supposed to have that with the meds you’re on, right?

Jon
(humorless chuckle) With the day I’ve had I don’t really much care

Martin
I… I guess?
(departing footsteps)

Jon
(calling out) The glasses are in the cupboard next to the fridge

Martin
Got it-
(bumps into something)
Ow … Is this a stool?

Jon
… Yes. I can’t reach the cupboards without it.

Martin
(light chuckle) Nice. Well as long as I’m the one getting things from in here I’m going to relocate it to the laundry room if that’s okay.

Jon
Sure

…

Jon
(relaxed) This is nice

Martin
It is

Jon
I don’t think we’ve ever really had the chance to just talk.

Martin
… I never thought you wanted to

Jon
(snort of laughter) Okay, fair. But now we have a chance and we might as well make the best of it.

Martin
So. What do you want to talk about?

Jon
(pouring a glass)

Martin
Um… Jon, that’s your third glass, are you Sure?

Jon
I’m feeling Reckless tonight for some reason
(drains glass)

Martin
(concerned) I think… I think I’m going to put the wine away for now.

Jon
(chuckles lightly) Probably a good idea
Oh, but you wanted a conversation topic. Hmm… Why did you choose to work at the Magnus Institute?

Martin
Hm?

Jon
Well, it’s just that you don’t seem to be super invested in the supernatural and strike me as someone who might be better suited for a people-facing position than someone cooped up in an archive all day.

Martin
… Are you letting me go?

Jon
Oh, no. Just… I’m, well, you can tell by my apartment that I’m…
(chuckles) the kind of person who tends to sit alone in a cramped and dusty room all day. You… you’re way more personable. Are you not bored? Or depressed? I mean, even I get depressed in there -

Martin
You get depressed?

Jon
(light chuckle) Do you never hear the breakdowns from the other side of the door?
(pauses, realizes what he’s just said, embarrassed and flustered) Um, apologies. You’re… you’re right, I have had too much to drink.

Martin
(sympathetic) If you ever need to talk to someone, you can always come to me

Jon
(dismissive) Oh, I would never want to bother you with my mess -

Martin
(serious) I mean it. Jon, if you ever need anything you can come to me. You don’t have to go it alone.

Jon
(light chuckle) Looks like I’m not the only one who’s had too much

Martin
(somewhat frustrated sigh) Jon -
(thinks better of it) never mind

Jon
What?

Martin
Nothing

Jon
Okay, suit yourself…
(distracted humming that goes on for thirty or so seconds)
(brightly) Could I have some more of that wine?

Martin
(incredulous snort of laughter) Um, no.

Jon
Excuse me?

Martin
Jon, you are Way past the point where anyone responsible would cut you off.

Jon
(frustrated groan)

Martin
I can get you some Tea though
(departing footsteps)

…

Jon
(standing up, matter of fact) I am going to go shower

Martin
(a tad bit concerned) Are you… are you sure you can make it there?

Jon
Of course
(single footstep, falls flat on his face)
(muffled) Okay maybe… maybe not

(sounds of Martin helping Jon to a sitting position)

Martin
Here, let me help you get there. And maybe take a bath instead. Just like… don’t drown.

…

Jon
(somewhat annoyed but mostly amused) I still can’t believe you’re making me talk to you the whole time

Martin
I don’t want you passing out in there. This way I know you’re fine.

(large splash)

Martin
Jon?
JON?
(getting up in a panic)

Jon
(wicked cackle)

Martin
That… that was cruel.

Jon
It was FUNNY!

Martin
(somewhat annoyed, somewhat amused chuckle) Well you’d better be careful since it would have been Extremely awkward if I’d have come in there to rescue you

Jon
(breaks down laughing)

Martin
(light confused chuckle) What?

Jon
(trying to talk through laughter) Sorry… it’s just… the image in my head was really…. Really funny…
Oh man I am way too drunk, I am So sorry, Martin. This is… extremely unprofessional of me.

Martin
(soothingly) It’s okay -

Jon
(breaks down laughing) But… you should have seen your Face in my head… I mean… Comedy GOLD!

Martin
Nice. Very nice, Jon.

Jon
(calming himself down) Sorry, sorry.

Martin
(snort of laughter)

…

Jon
… Can you help me to bed? I’m… rather shaky.

Martin
Um, sure. Are… are you decent?

Jon
(incredulous snort of embarrassed laughter, audibly shaking his head at himself) Wow Sims!
(rueful chuckle) Ah… um, just toss that robe on the door around the corner

Martin
(holding back laughter) Of course
(sound of throwing robe)

Jon
Okay, you’re good

(footsteps coming into room)

Martin
So how do you want to do this?

…

Jon
Thank you
(yawn)

Martin
(teasing) Do you want me to tuck you in?

Jon
(snort of laughter)
…
(meekly) Um… maybe… it does sound quite cozy

Martin
(surprised but pleased) Okay
(rustling fabric)
Goodnight, Jon. I’ll see you in the morning

Jon
(half-asleep already) Goodnight Martin

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of The Magnus Archives is a Workplace Comedy