Chapter 1
Notes:
Trigger warnings for this chapter: mentions of past SA/Non Con of a minor (no graphic retelling) canon-typical violence, and panic attacks.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Arriving back in Jackson after all the months on the road should have felt like a relief. They were going to be safe, and fed, and could go to bed without weapons strapped to their chest every night. They could even sleep at the same time, all the way through the night, without either of them having to worry about keeping watch.
They would finally find some normality in this very abnormal world.
But the closer they got to the safe, towering walls of Jackson, where Ellie knew they’d be greeted with smiling faces and welcoming arms, the more apprehensive she got. The more that itchy, anxious feeling in the base of her throat started acting up, causing her to clear it more often than not.
She wasn’t really sure what she was so anxious about.
Maybe it was because of the FEDRA orphanage she grew up in, or all the time spent on the road with Joel, where nothing came easy and everything was about survival, but there was something about the idea of Jackson—of safety—that sat like a heavy ball of lead on Ellie’s heart.
She should have been picking up the pace the closer they got, but instead, her legs felt like they were bogged down in mud.
“Everything okay?” Joel asked after they had been walking in silence for a while.
She could barely hear him over the ringing in her ears.
Their car had broken down a few miles back, having done its job of getting them most of the way here. They had traveled from Salt Lake City to the outskirts of Jackson in no time at all, compared to the months it took them to get there. Though she guessed it helped that this time they weren’t kidnapped or on the brink of death.
But still.
When the car broke down in a steaming pile of metal on the side of the road, she should have felt disappointed. Without the tools to fix the car, they were certainly walking the rest of the way. But instead of feeling annoyed at the prospect of a five-hour hike, she felt a giant wave of... relief wash over her.
Her chest loosened, her breathing steadied for the first time in days, and the ringing in her ears quieted so much it was hardly even noticeable.
Without the car, it could just be the two of them for a little bit longer. It gave her a few more hours before she had to start fitting in; before she had to start sharing Joel with other people. The longer she stalled getting to Jackson, the longer she would have to simply exist in a world where somebody knew all the worst parts about her and chose to love her anyway.
She wasn’t so sure that anybody else in Jackson would be so forgiving.
“Ellie?” Joel urged gently, knocking his shoulder into hers.
“Hmm?” Ellie blinked over at him, his words finally processing. “Oh, yeah... everything is fine.”
She had no idea how to tell Joel how she was feeling, because he seemed so excited to get back to Jackson. He kept calling it home. He talked about how nice it was going to feel to settle down and find a routine, how he was looking forward to family dinners and fixing up their house. He even asked her if he could teach her how to play the guitar.
He had looked so damn hopeful that she couldn’t find it in her to say no.
She didn’t want to be the one to take that hope away.
Not after everything they had been through.
A few moments of silence passed as they walked; the only sound between them was the crunch of twigs and shifting of rocks beneath their boots. She knew she didn’t have to say anything because Joel had started filling all of their quiet moments with his low, southern drawl.
It was a new thing he had started doing, ever since she woke up in the back of that car after Salt Lake City. Hell, even before that. He had been filling silences ever since he found her covered in blood outside of that fucking steakhouse in Silver Lake.
She knew why he was doing it. It was his way of taking care of her, of comforting her, of not letting her get too deep inside her own little fucked up head. He would tell her long-winded stories from before the world ended, things that she used to crave to know, used to beg him to tell her; and now he was offering it up for free.
All because she was too fucked up to manage her side of their conversations.
He told her what his house looked like back in Austin (“Nothin’ special. I wasn’t rich or nothin’. It was a real fixer-upper”), what a contractor did every day (“Whatever we could find”), and what his favorite thing to put on the grill was (“There ain’t nothin’ like a thick ribeye and an ice cold Shiner, you know?”).
He told her about Sunday Night Football with Tommy, and how he would always show up to Joel’s place right before kick-off, and, “Eat him out of house and home.” Ellie had no idea what football was, but Joel explained the rules to her until she could repeat them back (“How ‘bout them Cowboys?”).
It was hard for her to picture the game, and she wasn’t sure it sounded like any fun, but it seemed to make him happy. His smile got wider as she repeated all the rules back to him, and when she finished reciting the point system to him, including a two-point conversion, he gave her a very proud-sounding, “Atta girl.”
If talking about football made him happy, it was the least she could do.
In another long-winded story, he told her about something called jury duty.
He had to show up to the courthouse every day for a week, only to be sent home at the end without being chosen for the trial. It still burned him up, even all these years later. “I lost out on three different contractin’ jobs and had to pay out my ass for a sitter. They even had the audacity to send me a check for five whole dollars, thankin’ me for my time.”
“So... why did you do it?”
“We didn’t have a choice back then. It was called a jury summons. You’d get a letter in the mail and...” he trailed off, scratching his beard in that way he did whenever he didn’t fully understand something from before. Like when he tried and failed to explain how dams work. “Shit, I don’t know. Ask Maria when we get back to Jackson. She used to be a fancy lawyer.”
Ellie had just chuckled with a quiet, “Alright, I will.”
He told her about the library in downtown Austin, which he wished he could have shown her. “You would have lost your shit, kid... three stories tall and filled to the brim with books. Anything you could ever want to read was in there. They even had a section for comic books. I would have had to drag your sorry ass out of there, kickin’ n’ screamin’.”
“Damn, you know how to read?”
“Smartass.” Joel scoffed, pretending to be offended, but his smile gave him away. It was quiet for a moment, his jaw working with something he clearly wanted to say. He glanced over at her and then looked away before hesitantly explaining. “Sarah liked to read. I’d... take her there on the weekends sometimes.”
It made her breath catch in her throat, and she hoped he didn’t notice.
Sarah had been such a taboo topic for so long that it still caught her off guard every time he willingly offered something up. The infamous, perfect, Sarah. His real kid. The one who shared his blood and his name, and who died before Ellie was even born. She had spent countless hours wondering and comparing herself to Sarah’s ghost, desperate to know anything she could about her.
And now, without even asking, he was casually bringing up memories from twenty years ago.
Breaking through his walls and getting him to talk to her had been all she wanted since the day they met. She had pulled a knife on him, he had bodied her to the floor like she weighed nothing, and she had never found anybody more interesting in her life. There was something about his cold, asshole exterior that was so captivating that it made her want to break him apart into a million puzzle pieces, just to put him back together again.
But for some reason, now that he was being so open with her, it just felt... wrong.
He was only doing it to distract her from the horrors of the last few months. The near-death experience at the university, the days she spent stitching him up and begging him not to die. The starvation, their dead horse, the way she sold her soul for an expired bottle of penicillin.
Those people, that town, David.
Salt Lake City. The fireflies. The cure.
The abandoned rest stop, where Joel told her what he did at the hospital.
He wasn’t telling her stories because he had suddenly become very chatty; he was doing it out of necessity. She used to fill all their silences with her endless babbles, questions, and attempts at whistling, but somewhere between the atrocities of Colorado and the failures in Utah, that little light inside of her had gone out.
Now he was stuck doing everything he could to light it again, even if that meant talking her ear off about anything he could think of.
This version of Joel, the open, caring, and affectionate Joel, was everything she had wanted for the better part of a year, but this wasn’t how she wanted to get him.
She still loved him for trying, though.
“You seem quieter than usual,” Joel said, bringing her back to the present. She glanced over at him, at the way his eyebrows were pinched together and his mouth was turned down, and she couldn’t help but feel like a failure again. She was upsetting him by not talking very much, and he didn’t deserve that.
“I’m sorry,” Ellie said, her voice coming out weak.
“No, it’s okay,” Joel insisted, meeting her eyes. “It’s okay to be quiet. I get that way, too.”
She really didn’t deserve his kindness.
They hiked up the next hill without saying anything else, having to grab hold of roots and tree trunks to haul themselves up. He got to the top first and held out his hand, pulling her the rest of the way before tugging his canteen out and taking a sip. He offered it to her, and she took a drink with a quiet, “Thanks.”
She wiped her mouth with the back of her arm, taking in their surroundings.
They were standing at the mouth of Jackson Valley, and the breeze was warm in the afternoon sun. The last time she had been here, it was fall, and everything was brown and red, but they had been gone for months. At some point, spring had arrived and brought life back into the valley.
What was once yellow and dying was now green and colorful.
Jackson Hole sat at the base of two mountain ranges, with long, winding rivers that ran around its perimeter. The rolling fields seemed to go on forever and ever, full of bright wildflowers and blooming butterweeds. The sun had just started to set over the Tetons, casting the whole city in sweet, golden sunlight.
It was breathtaking to stand on top of the hill and look down at their new home.
It was the kind of shit people would paint pictures of.
It sort of made her want to throw up.
“Well, there she is,” Joel mused, hands on his hips as he looked down on the town. Ellie’s throat felt like it was full of glass when she swallowed. He turned to her with a soft smile on his face, hooking his canteen onto his belt and nodding toward the never-ending fields in front of them. “Whadda’ ya say, kiddo? Ready to go home?”
Home.
He made it sound so fucking simple.
“Yep.” She forced a smile onto her face that she hoped looked believable. “Let’s go, old man.”
***
So much had changed since the last time they were here.
Maybe it was the shifting of the seasons, or her failing to save the world, but the town looked different from how she remembered. There were people everywhere, talking and laughing in the street like they had something to live for, like there was any hope for society now that there was never going to be the cure.
It was... weird.
Tommy, though, looked exactly the same.
His black curls were pulled into a bun and hidden beneath the brim of a wide cowboy hat. His blue flannel was rolled halfway up his forearms, with the hem tucked neatly into a pair of worn, denim jeans. She watched as a few different emotions ran over his face when he saw them, when he finally laid eyes on his older brother after probably assuming he was dead, and it left a weird, gnawing feeling in her gut.
She wasn’t the only person who was important in Joel’s life anymore, and she had to be okay with that.
The hug Tommy and Joel shared was rough and lingering, clapping each other roughly on the back while muttering things she couldn’t understand. It seemed to go on forever and ever. When they finally pulled away from each other, tears were clinging to Tommy’s lower lashes.
It made her eyes burn just looking at them.
She knew, more than anyone, what it felt like to think Joel was dead.
When Tommy finally turned to look at her, she was expecting him just to say hello. They didn’t really know each other, and the last time she was here, she had stolen one of his horses and sent them on a wild goose chase after her. Then she had taken his brother away from him on a suicide mission and failed to save the world.
He probably didn’t have many nice things to say to her.
But to her surprise, a smile broke out on his face.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Tommy said, just before he pulled her into a rough hug. She froze in his arms, her body going stiff and rigid. She hadn’t been expecting him to hug her, and it happened so suddenly that she hadn’t had time to prepare for it. His arms were strong and overpowering around her, crunching them together in a way that sent her brain into a panic.
The last time anybody other than Joel had touched her, she had ended up bashing their face in with a machete.
Her heart began pounding in her chest, her throat constricting and seizing as fear took over every muscle in her body. She wanted to push him off, scream at him, tell him not to fucking touch her. But before she could get any of the words out of her mouth, he was suddenly releasing her with a gentle squeeze of her shoulders.
He smiled softly at her, his eyes crinkled and happy and... fuck.
What the fuck was wrong with her?
He wasn’t trying to hurt her, or kill her, or eat her.
Jesus, fuck, he was just being fucking nice to her.
She swallowed roughly, willing her body to catch up with her brain. She knew he wasn’t trying to hurt her, but she couldn’t seem to get the memo. She was shaking, her whole body trembling, and her legs felt like they were made of jelly. Her heart was racing, her brow was sweaty, and her eyes were doing that weird, shifty thing where they went blurry around the edges.
Tommy frowned at her, his hands loosening around her shoulders. “You alright, darlin’?”
Fuck, fuck, fuck... was she fucking dying?
What the fuck was happening to her?
“Ellie.” She could barely hear over the ringing in her ears. She shook her head, taking a wobbly step backwards, holding her hands out in front of her. She reached for her knife on instinct, her fingers just touching the cool metal in her pocket when Joel’s voice cut through the screaming in her ears. “Ellie. Hey, look at me.”
Joel’s hands were gentle on her face as he stepped in front of her, blocking Tommy and Main Street from her vision. He cradled her face in his hands, ducking down to be eye-level with her. She blinked furiously to clear her vision, meeting his concerned eyes as the panic started to level out in her body.
She let go of the knife and wrapped her shaky fingers around Joel’s wrists instead, and he nodded, encouraging her. “That’s it, there you go.” His hands were so fucking gentle on her cheeks. He smiled at her, his thumbs wiping at the wetness beneath her eyes. “You’re alright. I’m alright. Nobody is trying to hurt you. Just breathe with me, okay, kiddo?”
He moved his palms off her cheeks, gathering up her small hands in his and pressing them roughly against his sternum so she could feel his breathing. She made a pathetic whimper at the action, remembering how it was the only way she’d allow herself to sleep in that fucking basement when he was dying.
Her vision suddenly filled with tears as the panic dissipated, the reality of the situation hitting her like a ton of bricks.
Holy shit, she was so fucking embarrassing.
Her cheeks and neck burned with shame, looking away from Joel’s eyes and staring at their twisted hands on his chest. She watched them rise and fall, feeling his lungs expand under them and reminding her that everything was okay.
He wasn’t dying, and neither was she.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice sounded far away from her body. “I’m—”
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” he insisted, but she did. She had been in Jackson for all of five minutes and was already making a fucking scene in the middle of the town. She had never been more humiliated in her entire fucking life. She sniffled her nose, snatching her hands away from Joel’s chest, and letting her eyes dart around the town square.
She expected there to be crowds of people gathered around, pointing and laughing to each other about the fucked up new girl, but to her surprise, nobody was watching them. People were still moving around, chatting casually to each other and holding doors open for each other to walk through.
She hesitantly peered around Joel’s shoulder, ready for Tommy to tell her off once and for all. He would probably tell her that all she did was cause trouble, and he had just been trying to be nice to her, and that was the last bit of kindness he was ever going to throw her way.
But in even more surprising events, Tommy didn’t look mad at all.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Tommy said, in that low, southern drawl that matched Joel’s. Ellie blinked at him, confused by his words and the term of endearment. He took the hat off his head, holding it to his stomach as he apologized. “I should have asked you before I hugged you. That was my fault. I just got so caught up in the moment, but I promise it won’t happen again.”
Somehow, it hurt more than if he had just been mad.
She opened her mouth to tell him it was okay, to tell him she was the problem and not him, but she wasn’t sure how to find the words. She couldn’t just explain to someone she barely knew that the last man who tried to touch her had pinned her down and told her that it was the fighting he liked the most.
So instead, she said nothing.
“She’s okay,” Joel spoke for her, moving to stand next to her with a reassuring arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him, avoiding Tommy’s eyes by staring down at the cobblestone streets. “Just been a long few months on the road, you know?” Joel continued making excuses for her that she didn’t deserve.
She was a fucking mess and probably embarrassed the hell out of him.
“Yeah, I get that,” Tommy said kindly, and she could feel his eyes on her even though she refused to look up. “The barn door slammed on me the other day, and I hit the deck like I was back in fuckin’ Iraq,” he continued, laughing gently at himself. “Hadn’t happened to me in years. One of the ranch hands, Kyle, saw the whole thing and ribbed me about it for hours, that son of a bitch.”
Joel chuckled, and she could feel it in her shoulder.
She finally looked up at Tommy, who smiled softly at her. Joel had told her that Tommy was in the Army before the world ended, but that must have been thirty years ago. She wasn’t sure if it was scary or reassuring to hear that there were still things that triggered a tough guy like Tommy.
She was so fucked.
“Anyway,” Tommy mused, looking back over at Joel. “I’m sure you’re both eager to get a shower and a hot meal. We’ve been fixin’ up a house for y’all, since the one we had you in before needed too much work. This one is in pretty good shape. It’s just a few houses down from ours,” Tommy rattled on as he led them away from Main Street toward the houses.
“Anything you’ve got will do just fine, Tom,” Joel said, his arm never leaving her shoulders. She walked with her head facing down, not wanting to accidentally make eye contact with any of the Jackson residents and be forced to make small talk with them. “We don’t want to be a bother.”
“Pssh.” Tommy huffed, knocking his fist gently into Joel’s shoulder. “When has that ever stopped you before?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Joel chuckled softly, tightening his grip on Ellie.
They stopped in front of a house that had a front porch, a yard, and a fucking picket fence. It was like something she read about in books growing up. There was a driveway, a mailbox, and a garage that they would never have any use for because cars were so hard to keep running. There were low-hanging trees that swayed in the breeze, and little lights that lined the walkway, and it all seemed too good to be true.
“I know y’all have been through a lot, so take the night to get settled,” Tommy said, looking between the two of them. “I’ll bring some dinner ‘round for you in a bit, so you don’t have to be gawked at in the dining hall. But, tomorrow, if you’re up for it... well, there’s someone I really want you to meet, alright?”
“Of course,” Joel said, letting go of her shoulders to hug him again. “It’s really good to see you, little brother.”
“Yeah, you too,” Tommy said with a chuckle, clapping Joel roughly on the back. He looked over and smiled warmly at her, showing her more kindness than she ever deserved. “Both of you.”
Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to force something like a smile on her face. It didn’t make up for everything that happened back on Main Street, and it wasn’t an apology for almost stabbing him, but it was the best she could do right now.
She just hoped it would be enough.
***
Later that night, Ellie couldn’t sleep.
Joel had lingered in her doorway for a while, gently asking her if she wanted him to sleep in her room or if she wanted to sleep in his, but she knew that was ridiculous. Other teenage girls didn’t need their... whatever Joel was, to sleep in the same room as them. So, although she was a little scared of the dark and a lot scared of being alone, she had just smiled and shook her head no.
“I’m right across the hall if you need anything,” he had told her, still hesitating in her door. She was pretty sure he saw right through her false bravado, but he would never push her to do anything she didn’t want to do.
If she said she was fine, he would believe her.
But that was hours ago, and she hadn’t been able to convince herself to close her eyes yet.
It was all too... weird.
The bed she had back in Boston was a hard mattress on a twin-sized frame. It had barely any give to it and was just one step above sleeping on the concrete floor. She had one set of sheets that she washed in the sink whenever they started to smell too bad, and one paper-thin pillow that she’d fold in half to sleep on every night.
This room was a far cry from her dorm back at the QZ. There was matching furniture, clean sheets, and a full-sized bed with four fluffy pillows. Everything smelled nice and looked unused, and when she sat down on the edge of the bed for the first time, she slowly sank into it as it pillowed around her.
It was everything she had dreamed of as a kid.
It was the kind of shit people would have killed you for back in Boston.
But for some reason, it was given to her for free, without her doing anything to deserve it. She didn’t have to sell any part of her soul, and she didn’t have to become anyone’s pet. None of it made any fucking sense. She hadn’t even been able to save the world, and yet everyone here was treating her like royalty.
Like family.
She knew that this thing between her and Joel was real, and that even if he wasn’t her dad, and she wasn’t his kid, they were trauma-bonded for life. She had known for a while that he loved her, even if he didn’t say it for the first time until after everything went down in Salt Lake City.
She knew she was more than cargo, she just wasn’t sure what that made her to everyone else.
Tommy wasn’t her uncle, and Maria wasn’t her aunt.
But for some reason, they had fixed up a bedroom for her and filled it with things they thought she’d like. There were CDs, and books, and a box full of clothes for her to go through. There were hygiene products, and hair ties, and shoes that didn’t have holes worn into the soles.
And none of it made any fucking sense!
Didn’t they know she had failed?!
That her immunity meant nothing because there was never going to be a goddamn cure?
Maybe once they found out, they’d ask her to leave. Maybe all of the nice things in this bedroom only belonged to the girl who saved the world. She hoped Joel would go with her if that were the case, but she could never ask him to leave his family for her. Loving her and saving her was one thing, but asking him to give up his family—his real family—was another.
Tommy shared a bloodline with him. He had the same accent, the same jaw line, the same creases around his eyes. They had grown up together, and lived through the outbreak together, and he was... something to Joel that Ellie could never be.
No matter how much they cared for each other, she would never be his real daughter.
Fuck, none of this was helping her anxiety.
She pulled her knees up to her chest, sitting in the middle of the bed and chewing roughly on the inside of her cheek. She had tried to get under the covers earlier, but the moon kept bouncing shadows off the walls that were really starting to fuck with her head.
She fucking hated the dark, and she really fucking hated being alone.
She hadn’t slept alone since the day she met Joel, and had barely ever done it before that. She never had her own room back in Boston, so there was always another body sleeping somewhere near her that she could draw comfort from, even from the roommates she had hated.
“Fuck, get it together, man,” she mumbled to herself, digging the heels of her hands into her eyes. She didn’t know what time it was, but it had been a few hours since she had said goodnight to Joel. She tried to listen for the sound of him snoring, but she couldn’t hear it through the walls.
Maybe if she could hear it, she could fall asleep.
Everything was so fucking quiet in this room.
They had been sleeping outside for months where there was always noise. Bugs, animals, infected. Twigs would snap, and fruit would fall, and runners would moan. Joel would snore, Ellie would grind her teeth, and there was always something happening around them.
But not here.
Jackson was so fucking quiet.
She thought about it for one more second before finally saying fuck it as she crawled off the bed. She was just going to crack open both their doors, and then she’d be able to go to sleep. She just needed to know she wasn’t alone. Once she could hear his snores, she’d be brave and get back under the covers and everything.
It was a good plan.
She wrapped her hand around the doorknob and slowly turned it, wincing as the hinges creaked loudly. She hoped it hadn’t woken him up. She carefully stepped out into the hall, taking a few tip-toed steps before realizing that Joel’s door was wide open, and he was nowhere to be found.
Her heart skipped a beat in her chest, a wave of fear running through her.
What if he fucking left?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Where would he go? Why would he leave? Why wouldn’t he say anything before leaving?
She turned around to dart back into her room and grab her knife when she noticed there was light creeping up from the staircase. She stared at it for a moment, at the yellow glow cast against the ceiling, her heart still pounding in her chest. She tried to make sense of what was happening.
Her ears perked up like a dog when there was a quiet cough from downstairs.
Then, the sound of a spoon stirring slowly against a mug.
Joel.
And, just, fuck... what the fuck was wrong with her?
Ellie brought her hands up to her face, breathing deeply into them as the fear from before started to leave her body. She scrubbed her fingers down her cheeks, trying to get her breathing to return to normal. She needed to get a fucking grip. She couldn’t keep defaulting to a panic attack every time something didn’t go according to plan.
She was acting like a fucking baby.
She should have just turned around and gone back into her room, but her body seemed to have another idea in mind. She headed toward the stairs, wincing again when the floorboards squeaked under her feet. She let her hand trail across the smooth railing as she padded down the stairs, her toes cold against the wooden steps.
She had changed into a pair of soft sleep shorts she found in the pile of clothes Maria left her, and had pulled on a long-sleeve shirt that she’d be living in for the foreseeable future. She had to keep her bite hidden 24/7 now that they were going to stay here. There was no room for fuck ups on her part, or someone would put a bullet in her brain.
The downstairs of their house was mostly dark, other than the hall light and the soft glow from the kitchen. She brought her hand up to her mouth to chew on her thumbnail as she poked her head around the corner. Joel had also changed into a new set of clothes, a gray t-shirt and stretchy black shorts, and she realized she had never seen him so... casual before.
She had never really seen his legs before.
He was always in jeans and laced up boots, and... it was so fucking weird to see him dressed like this.
He was sitting at the small, round kitchen table, his arms leaning heavily on the wood and his hands wrapped around a steaming mug. He was looking down, almost like he was looking right through it. He had that vacant look across his face that he got whenever he went somewhere painful in his head.
She shouldn’t bother him. She should turn around and go back upstairs and leave him to work it out on his own. It was hard to find any time alone on the road, when they couldn’t risk letting their guards down or losing sight of each other, but they were safe here. She should give him some space and time away from her.
He could probably use a few hours without her bothering him.
She was just about to leave when his eyes suddenly flicked up and met hers. He smiled softly at her, leaning back in his chair and letting one of his hands fall to his lap. His voice was low and gentle as he said, “Hey, baby.”
It made her throat burn with tears.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to being called such nice things.
“Hi,” she whispered, still standing dumbly in the hallway.
“What are you doing up?” he asked, but she wasn’t sure how to answer him. She didn’t want to admit that she was afraid of the dark, even though he probably knew that about her. He looked at her for another moment before nodding toward the chair across from him and asking, “Do you want to sit down?”
She stepped further into the kitchen and gently pulled out the chair, feeling his eyes on her the whole time. She sat on the creaky wooden chair and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and looking around the room.
The only light in the kitchen came from the open window and a small bulb over the stove, which was old and yellow and barely lit up the room at all. There was a clock in the middle of the stove that blinked 3:28 in neon green numbers. It was much later than she thought it was, but it was hard to keep track of time in the dark.
“Can’t sleep?” Joel asked softly, pulling her from her thoughts.
“Nope.” Ellie looked away from the clock and met his eyes again. “You?”
“Nope,” he mimicked, which made her chuckle softly. He smiled at the sound, his eyes going soft and crinkly around the corners. It did something really fucking strange to her heart, and she hoped it wasn’t written all over her face. He looked at her for another second before carefully asking, “Did you have bad dreams?”
“You gotta sleep to dream, old man,” Ellie informed him sarcastically.
Joel chuckled. “That you do.”
“What are you drinking?” She nodded towards his mug.
“Coffee,” he said, sounding very pleased with himself. He offered it to her from across the table because he knew she wouldn’t take it. She made a face at him, and he laughed and shook his head, bringing the mug up to his mouth for a slurping sip. It reminded her of the morning after Bill’s, right before everything went to shit in Kansas City.
Sam. Henry. Two gunshots. Two bodies. One grave.
She swallowed roughly, hoping her voice sounded normal when she said, “I still don’t know how you drink that stuff.”
“It’s good for you,” Joel said, his thumb tapping a slow rhythm on the rim of the mug. “It’ll put some hair on your chest.”
She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, I heard it stunts your growth.”
“You must drink a lot of coffee behind my back then,” he teased, grinning at her.
“Fuck you,” she said, but there was no heat behind it. “I’m still growing.”
“Sure you are,” Joel mused, smiling softly at her. She unfolded her legs and tucked them underneath the chair, leaning forward on the table and tracing her eyes over the creases in the wood. She pulled her sleeves further down her wrists, until she could wrap them around her fingers. Joel cleared his throat and asked, “Are you hungry?”
“Nah.” She shook her head, her stomach fuller than it had been in months. “I’m okay.”
“You sure?” Joel asked quietly, making her look up at him. “I could make you something.”
“I’m okay, really,” she said, just barely above a whisper. He looked at her for another long moment before finally nodding, bringing the mug back up to take a sip. She swallowed the lump in her throat, waiting until he set it down before asking, “Is it any good?”
“It’s pretty good, actually,” Joel said, smiling at her. “Much better than that shit Bill kept in stock. Tommy said it’s pretty easy to come by around here, and that they serve it at the dining hall every morning.” She listened to the comforting sound of his voice, glad that he was going to have easy access to his favorite shit-flavored drink. “He gave me a bag of beans as a housewarming gift.”
Ellie’s eyebrows furrowed. “What’s a housewarming gift?”
“It’s something we used to do before.” Joel chuckled, his thumb tapping against his mug again. “When someone you knew would buy a house or move somewhere new, you’d get them something useful. Like a toaster, or... some tools. Maybe some dishes. Stuff like that.”
“They didn’t have that stuff already?”
“Not always.” Joel shrugged, sipping his coffee. “Depends on where they moved from.”
“I see,” Ellie said after a moment. “Sounds nice.”
“Yeah,” Joel agreed quietly.
They fell into a comfortable silence after that, Ellie drawing invisible patterns on the table with her finger and Joel drinking his coffee. There were crickets chirping somewhere near the back door, and every once in a while, the house creaked as it settled. It was much cooler down here than it had been in her room, and she could feel the goosebumps rising on her legs.
She flicked her eyes around the room again, at the refrigerator full of food and the pantry stocked with goods. There were cabinets lining the walls and drawers filled with things, and the concept of a house was just so... confusing.
It was hard to believe that people used to live like this.
She had never even seen a real house until she was on the road with Joel, but even then, they weren’t anything like this place. All the houses they scavenged through between Boston and Jackson were full of mold and dead things, or even worse, alive things.
But this house was different.
It was clean and cozy and didn’t have that rotting smell of death in any of the rooms. It was almost like all of the houses in Jackson were frozen in time, completely untouched by all the bad shit lingering outside the walls. There were no cordyceps, or still water full of brain-eating bacteria, or rats the size of alley cats.
It was really fucking strange.
“Weird, isn’t it?” she finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She knew she didn’t have to elaborate; Joel would understand what she meant. He had been living on the road with her, after all, and before that, he had been in the Boston QZ, where there were plenty of cat-sized rats roaming around.
“Yeah,” Joel agreed quietly. “It’s pretty weird.”
“Is that why you can’t sleep?”
“Probably.” He nodded, looking away from her eyes and back down at his mug. His thumb tapped three more times against the rim, his jaw working with whatever he wanted to say. He finally looked up at her as he quietly explained, “It’s hard to... rest, after we’ve been going nonstop for so long.”
“Yeah,” she choked out, because that’s exactly what it felt like. “Are you afraid something bad is going to happen?”
“No,” he said quickly, shaking his head. “We’re safe here.”
“Then what are you worried about?”
“Nothing, kiddo.” Joel smiled softly at her, chuckling as he took the last sip of his coffee. “We ain’t got nothing to worry about here.” He pushed his chair back and took his mug over to the sink. She frowned at his back as he rinsed it out, wanting to push the issue and know what it was that was keeping him up at night.
She hated not knowing things.
She was just about to ask him—demand he tell her—but something stopped her when he finally turned to face her again. She remembered how excited he had been to get here, to build a life here, and she didn’t want to ruin that for him by making him talk about things that scared him.
She knew he didn’t like to show any weakness in front of her.
“Are you going to try and sleep?” she finally asked, instead of what she really wanted to know.
“Well, I was thinking...” Joel trailed off, a slow smirk building across his face. “Since we’re both awake and all... maybe we should start taking advantage of our surroundings.”
She blinked at him. “What does that even mean?”
“Come on,” he said, ushering her up and out of her chair. She stumbled over her feet, but he was quick to steady her with a hand on her back. “Easy there, kiddo, you don’t want to break your neck on the first night.” She glared at him, and he tipped his head back as he laughed. “Come on, it’s this way.”
“Where are we going?”
“Don’t worry, it ain’t far,” he said, guiding her down the hallway and into the living room. She huffed as they came to a stop in the middle of the room, and he let his hand fall from her back. She blinked at him once and then darted her eyes around the room, looking for anything unusual.
“Well?”
“Well...” Joel mocked, chuckling as he nodded to the shelf next to the TV. “Pick one.”
She followed his gaze to the stack of books on the shelf, her eyes sliding across their spines, before realizing they weren’t all books. There, on one half of the shelf, sat a row of neatly stacked DVD cases. She had been so busy going through all the things in her room earlier that she hadn’t even noticed them sitting there.
The officers back in Boston had a DVD player in the breakroom, but she was never allowed anywhere near it. She used to try to walk as slowly as she could past it, so that she could catch a few seconds of whatever they were watching, but that was as far as she got. She had never sat down and watched a movie once in her whole life.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” she exclaimed, turning back toward Joel with her jaw unhinged.
“Tommy said there’s a bunch more at the trading post,” Joel told her, crossing his arms over his chest and smiling at her. She turned back toward the shelf, her eyes going a bit blurry as she thought about being allowed to watch movies. “He got us a few to start with, but if you don’t like any of them, we can trade them for something else.”
“That’s so cool,” she whispered, her chest doing that funny thing again.
She really didn’t deserve any of this.
“Well, go on,” Joel said, gesturing toward the shelf. “Pick a good one.”
She stepped closer to the shelf, tilting her head to the side so she could read all the titles. Her heart pounded in her chest as she read each one carefully, one by one, until she ran out of cases to read. There was a knot of... something building in her throat, and she had to swallow roughly around it.
“I...” Ellie trailed off, straightening her head and avoiding Joel’s eyes when she realized her cheeks were burning. “I don’t know what any of these are,” she said, feeling oddly embarrassed about it, even though she had grown up in a FEDRA orphanage and obviously wouldn’t know anything about them. “How do I know which ones are good?”
“Hmm.” Joel hummed, stepping closer to her and tilting his head to read the titles, just like she had. He clicked his tongue a few times before making a small ah sound as he tipped one of the cases off the shelf and into his hand. He turned toward her with a smile, handing it to her as he said, “Here. Put this one in. You’ll like it.”
“Independence Day,” she read the title slowly, eyebrows pinching together before she looked up at him. “What’s it about?”
“It’s just about the cheesiest damn action movie you’ll ever see,” he told her without hesitation. She couldn’t help but laugh, caught off guard by his description. “It’s about these aliens that take over Earth and destroy everything in their path. It’s full of bad one-liners and unrealistic fighter jet scenes. It’s stupid as hell.” He paused, then grinned at her. “You’ll love it.”
“Fuck yeah,” Ellie said, grinning from ear to ear. “Let’s watch it.”
Joel took the case from her and fiddled with the DVD player as she made her way over to the couch. She watched him crouch down in front of the TV, pressing different buttons and cussing a few times before the thing came to life in what could only be described as a magical way.
TVs were so fucking cool.
Ellie pulled her legs up onto the couch, folding them like a pretzel and shivering slightly. She was considering running upstairs to change into long pants when Joel grabbed a blanket from the corner and brought it to the couch with him. He made a big show of shaking it out and tucking it around her folded legs, cocooning her into it until she pushed him away.
He chuckled, settling into the spot next to her and pressing something on the remote.
She was instantly sucked into the movie, her eyes never leaving the screen. She had no idea what was gonna happen next, and couldn’t help but laugh at most of the dialogue. It may be the only movie she has ever seen, but it was definitely going to be her favorite.
When the first big action scene started and buildings started exploding, she couldn’t help but giggle and whisper, “So fucking cool.” She looked over at Joel, only to find him already staring back at her. He cleared his throat, turning his attention back to the TV and trying to play it off, but they both knew he had been caught staring. She smiled to herself, looking back at the screen as she nudged her head against his shoulder. “Thanks, Joel.”
“You’re welcome, kiddo,” he said quietly, lifting his arm and letting her burrow into his side. She told herself it was just for the extra warmth, since he was like a walking space heater, but deep down she knew it had nothing to do with that.
It was just nice to be close, sometimes.
Ellie couldn’t remember falling asleep toward the end of the movie, but woke up some time later when the sun was just beginning to rise in the distance. It was still pretty dark in the house, the only light coming from the TV, which was stuck on the DVD menu.
She was curled up on her side with her head tucked against Joel’s thigh, and he was snoring quietly above her. She carefully turned her neck to look at him, and his head was tilted back against the cushions, fast asleep. He had one arm spread out across the back of the couch, the other resting near her hair as if he had been running his fingers through it.
She was tired, and warm, and comfortable for the first time in a long time, so instead of getting up and going to bed, she slowly rolled over, pressing her forehead against his side. She tried not to think about how it was right next to the spot she had sewn back up, because she didn’t want to ruin the stillness of the moment.
She pulled the blanket up higher around her shoulders as Joel continued to snore above her, knowing that he would never let anything happen to her. She didn’t have to be afraid of the dark when Joel was by her side, breathing and snoring and alive.
They deserved to rest, even if it was hard to let go of the past sometimes.
Notes:
can we all just take a minute and scream about soft, girl dad joel? AHHHHHHHH. anyway, thank you so much for reading! i can’t wait to see where this journey takes us.
i’d love to know your thoughts in the comments and things you’d like to see in future chapters!
Come say hi!
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Chapter 2
Notes:
Trigger warnings for this chapter: anxiety, panicked thoughts, mentions of past canon-typical violence.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The next evening, they were invited over to Tommy and Maria’s house for dinner.
Tommy kept insisting there was somebody he wanted them to meet, and had promised them a hearty meal that would “knock their socks off” in return. Ellie wasn’t sure who his mystery person was, because he had been weirdly vague about the whole thing, but it filled her stomach with nerves the more she thought about it.
She wished they could just be left alone for a while.
They had only been in Jackson for a day, and everything still felt so... unsettled. She still didn’t know how she felt about living here, or about everything that happened with the fireflies just a few days ago. There was so much shit to work through in her head, and she needed more time to do it.
Meeting new people was not on her to-do list.
“I don’t like meeting new people,” Ellie complained, sitting on the stairs next to Joel as he laced up his boots. He was back in his usual attire of jeans and a t-shirt, which at least brought her a little comfort. It was so fucking weird to see him in pajamas. “I’m sick of meeting new people.”
“You ain’t even met anyone since we’ve been here,” Joel pointed out with an amused huff. Which was true, because they hadn’t left the house since they arrived. But that didn’t stop her from scoffing and glaring at him.
“Whose side are you on, man?”
“Yours,” Joel easily replied, lacing up his other boot. “But you’re not getting out of this.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s important to Tommy.”
“So?”
“So, if it’s important to Tommy, it’s important to us.”
Us.
Joel always made it sound so fucking simple.
They had been a team for a long time, but he hadn’t always acknowledged that. He had kept her at a distance, called her cargo, reminded her that he was not her dad. But ever since their disastrous winter, he never hesitated to refer to them as “us”, easily implying that they were a packaged deal.
It still made her cheeks burn every time.
“I don’t trust these people,” Ellie grumbled, ignoring the warmth in her face as she wrapped her arms around her bent knees and glared at the floor. “All the kids here look very—”
“Ellie...” Joel warned, knowing she was about to say something crass.
“—soft. I was gonna say soft, asshole.”
“Of course you were.” Joel chuckled, tugging the bottom of his jeans over his boots and turning toward her. “Look, just because some of these kids have lived their entire lives behind these walls, and they ain’t got no idea how bad it can be out there, doesn’t mean they’re... soft,” he said, but the longer he went on, the more it was evident that even he didn’t believe what he was saying.
Ellie couldn’t help but snort. “Are you sure about that, dude?”
Joel rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a smartass.”
“I can’t help it.” Ellie shrugged. “It just comes naturally to me.”
“Well, cut it out,” Joel said, making her glare at him again. He sighed and leaned forward on his elbows, rubbing his hands together like he does when he’s choosing his words carefully. “I know it’s hard to trust new people, kiddo. Really, I do. But if we’re going to live here, we need to play by their rules.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means being friendly.”
Ellie gave him a look of disgust, and he laughed before he could think better of it. Her eyes lit up at his reaction. It always felt like such an accomplishment when she got him to laugh, especially when he was trying to be serious. It reminded her of all the times on the road when she would read off a bad pun to him, and he would pretend he hated it until he couldn’t help but laugh.
Life was so much simpler then.
“Don’t give me that look, kid,” he finally said, schooling his expression.
“We’re not friendly people, Joel!”
“Well, we’re gonna have to try.” He gently patted her knee before standing up, his back popping as he went, making him curse and grumble to himself about getting too damn old. He put his hands on his hips and gave her an expectant look. “Now, how about you put your best friendly face on, and we get this the hell over with?”
“I don’t have a friendly face to put on!”
“You could, if you quit glarin’ at me like that.”
“I can’t help it,” she repeated her previous words. “Your face brings it out of me.”
“Nice.” Joel huffed sarcastically, making her grin. He waved at her to stand up as he said, “Let’s go. Scoot.”
“Why do I have to go?” Ellie sighed dramatically, still unmoving from her spot on the stairs. “He’s your brother.”
“Because you’re family, too,” Joel said as if it were the easiest thing in the world. It made her heart do a funny little twist in her chest, and sent warmth racing back to her cheeks. He didn’t seem to notice how heavy that word fell on her, even though he knew nobody had ever called her that in her entire fucking life.
Family.
Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, wordlessly standing and following him out of the front door, her thoughts whirling around her head at top speed. Family, family, family. She had never had a family before, and never expected to find one in this lifetime. Families had always seemed like such a made-up before-the-world-ended kinda thing from her books.
She wasn’t sure that the rest of the Millers would agree she was family, but Joel didn’t seem to be worried about that at all.
She thought about their conversation after Salt Lake City, and how easily he had referred to her as his kid. “There was no way in hell they were gonna kill my kid for some half-assed plan,” he had said, tears in his eyes and sounding so sure of himself. But she sort of just assumed his emotions had gotten the best of him.
He had just murdered a whole hospital full of people, after all.
That was probably the kind of thing that would make you call someone your kid, even if they weren’t.
Fuck, it was all so confusing.
“Hey,” Joel said, stopping her just outside Tommy’s house with a gentle hand on her elbow. She turned to look at him, and he frowned slightly when their eyes met. “I know you’re uncomfortable doing this, but... I appreciate you playin’ nice while we figure out how to fit in here. This town is going to be really good for us.”
She swallowed roughly, and her throat felt like it was two sizes too small.
He had that hopeful look on his face again, like he used to get whenever he’d talk about how nice it was going to be to get here. That face he got whenever he spoke about family dinners, and painting her room, and building her bookshelves. It was hard to disappoint him when he looked like that.
Her voice was quiet when she nodded and said, “Sure, Joel.”
“That’s my girl,” he said, smiling softly at her.
And, just, fuck.
That wasn’t helping the tears welling in her eyes.
She needed to get a goddamn grip before she did something embarrassing, like start crying right there on Tommy’s front porch. She forced a smile on her face and hoped it was convincing enough for nobody to ask her what was wrong. Joel seemed to buy it, because he knocked twice on the wooden screen door before holding it open for her.
She could do this.
She could be brave.
She could walk into the house, shake whoever the fuck’s hand was waiting to meet her, and play nice for the rest of the evening. She wouldn’t disappoint Joel, no matter how unbearable this night would be. If she could take down a town full of armed men, or a room full of clickers, she sure as fuck could survive a Miller Family Dinner.
She wasn’t sure who she was expecting to be waiting for her in the living room. Probably somebody older than dirt with a bad sense of humor or some whiny-ass kid her age, somebody that Tommy thought would have a good influence on her, but never in her wildest dreams did she ever expect it to be— “Oh my god.”
“What is it?” Joel asked, quickly following behind her.
“Joel!” Ellie exclaimed, her eyes practically bugging out of her head. “It’s a motherfucking baby.”
“Surprise.” Tommy laughed, standing in the middle of the living room with a fucking baby in his arms. He gently tipped the blanket-wrapped bundle toward them, his eyes crinkling around the corners with how hard he was smiling. Maria was sitting on the couch behind him, a blanket over her lap and heavy bags under her eyes.
And, just... what the fuck?
The last time they were here, she had told Ellie she was pregnant, but she hadn’t realized it was already time for her to have the thing. She turned to look at Joel, and based on his wide eyes and unhinged jaw, he hadn’t either.
Ellie couldn’t help but laugh at him.
He almost looked like he was about to throw up.
“Benji, I want you to meet your Uncle Joel,” Tommy said proudly to the baby in his arms, as if it could understand what he was saying. Ellie looked from Tommy’s smiling face to Joel, then over to the baby, to Maria, and then back to Joel. It was so fucking quiet in the room, she was pretty sure she could hear a pin drop.
She had never seen Joel look like this before.
He almost looked like he wanted to turn around and run out of the house.
“Joel,” Ellie said, watching as his eyes flicked over to her, his jaw still wide open. She couldn’t help but grin as she reminded him, “Say congrats, dude.” It was the same thing she had said last time they were here, when Tommy and Maria announced their marriage and Joel had that same stupid look on his face.
She couldn’t help but get a kick out of it.
She liked being the one to remind him of his manners.
“You... I didn’t...” Joel trailed off, his voice coming out weird and squeaky. Ellie furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. He cleared his throat, looking between everyone again before landing on Maria. “I didn’t realize you were that far along. I thought...” Joel shook his head, looking over at Tommy and fish-mouthing a few times without finishing his sentence.
Ellie couldn’t stop staring at him.
What the fuck was his problem?
“Do you want to hold him?” Tommy asked him, making Joel stammer and shake his head no. He held his hands up defensively and took a step backward, making Tommy frown. “Come on, he’s been dying to meet his uncle,” Tommy joked, but it was an awkward attempt that fell flat in the room. “Seriously, man, he hasn’t shut up about it.”
Ellie looked back between the adults, more confused than ever before.
“Tommy, leave him be.” Maria sighed from the couch.
“What’s the matter with you?” Ellie asked bluntly, slapping Joel’s stomach with the back of her hand. He winced and folded in on himself a little, even though there hadn’t been much heat behind it. Joel looked over at Ellie, and he looked... scared. He looked like he did when he realized he had been stabbed at the university. “Dude, are you dying?”
“No,” Joel whispered, shaking his head.
“That’s not very convincing,” Ellie said, narrowing her eyes at him. “Would you tell me if you were dying?”
Joel blinked at her once, twice, three times. “Let me just—” he nodded toward the kitchen, and walked off without another word. The faucet squeaked from the other room, and Ellie turned to watch as Tommy and Maria had some sort of silent conversation with their eyes.
She wished someone would clue her in as to what the fuck was going on.
She moved to follow him into the kitchen, but Tommy held out his hand and shook his head. “Give him a minute,” he said, smiling sadly at her.
The “fuck you, you motherfucker, don’t tell me what to do” was on the tip of her tongue because nobody got to tell her how she should act around Joel. Not after everything they had been through. If she wanted to follow him into the kitchen, nobody was going to fucking stop her, and it pissed her off that Tommy thought he could do that.
But before she could fly off the handle about it, Joel returned to the living room, shaking water off his hands and looking... a little less green in the face. He didn’t look like his usual self, and the tension in the room was still palpable, but something had changed during the few seconds he was gone.
“You can hold him next, if you’d like,” Maria offered her kindly, even though she had been just seconds away from telling her husband to go fuck himself. Ellie grimaced at the idea and quickly shook her head. Maria chuckled tiredly at her and nodded, not seeming interested in pressing the issue.
Joel tentatively crossed the room and sat down in the armchair, nervously flexing his fingers around his knees. Ellie wanted to get a better look at the baby that had caused all this drama, so she made her way over to the chair and knelt beside him. She braced her hands against her thighs, peering over the arm of the chair as Tommy carefully placed him in Joel’s lap.
Ellie watched with fascination as some sort of muscle memory kicked in, his hands seeming to move on their own as he eased the baby’s head into his palm and tucked his body against his side.
Ellie wasn’t sure what he was so scared of; he seemed to be a natural at it.
She wouldn’t have the first clue how to hold a baby.
Ellie opened her mouth to tease him, but stopped short when she realized there were tears in his eyes. She whipped her head over to Tommy and Maria, ready to alert them that something bad was happening, but neither of them looked concerned. Tommy had sat down next to Maria and pulled her into his chest with an arm around her shoulders.
What the fuck was going on?
Ellie looked back at Joel, watching as he sniffled and shook his head with wonder, his breath catching on a rough inhale. She wasn’t used to seeing so much raw emotion on his face because he always tried to hide it and pretend nothing bothered him. She couldn’t help the wave of anxiety it sent down her spine.
Joel sniffled again and looked over at her, his cheeks heating and a bit embarrassed by his emotions. Ellie opened her mouth to say something, to say anything, but ended up closing it without a word.
Because she had absolutely no idea what the fuck to say about all this.
Joel looked back down at the baby in his arms, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He spread his palm over the baby’s chest, holding it there for a moment before running the back of his knuckle over his cheek and around the back of his head again.
He looked up as he whispered, “Jesus, Tommy... it’s uncanny.”
“What’s uncanny?” Ellie blurted out, looking between the adults again and realizing that Tommy had tears in his eyes, too.
What the actual fuck was going on?
These were not the kind of men who sat around and cried over a fucking baby. She hated not knowing things, and she hated feeling left out. She couldn’t stop the pathetic whimper that came out of her mouth as she squeezed her fists tightly together, frustrated that nobody was telling her what was going on.
“I’m sorry, baby,” Joel said softly, reaching out and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. She made another strangled sound at that, at being called such an affectionate name in front of other people, her cheeks burning and her fists clenching harder. “He’s just...” Joel paused, shaking his head in disbelief. “He looks a lot like Sarah.”
And, wait... what?
“What?” Ellie said dumbly, looking down at the baby in his arms. “But... how? He’s a boy.”
“Yeah, he is,” Joel said quietly, nodding and smiling down at the baby. “But when they’re this little, that doesn’t really matter. There ain’t a lot of features yet to distinguish between a girl and a boy. But this hair...” Joel swallowed roughly, his throat bobbing as he shook his head again.
“And the nose,” Tommy said from across the room, sounding choked up, and sometimes she forgot that Tommy knew Sarah, too. Which was stupid, because of course he knew her. He was probably there when she was born, probably paced the hospital with Joel while they waited to meet her.
He would have held her, and fed her, and maybe even changed a diaper.
But it was so hard for Ellie to picture what that life looked like.
Joel had refused to talk about his past until recently, and even now that he was being more open about it, she was having to use her imagination to fill in a lot of the blanks. She had no idea what Texas looked like, or what young Joel looked like, and until this very moment, she had no idea what Sarah could have looked like.
“She...” Ellie paused, bringing her hand up to her mouth to chew on her thumbnail. “She had curly hair?”
“Yeah,” Joel said, sniffling again as he slowly twisted the tiniest curl around the tip of his pointer finger. One of the tears that had been building in his eyes finally dripped down his cheek, and he quickly brought his shoulder up to wipe it away. He looked over at Ellie and smiled sadly at her. “She had so much hair, right from the start. More than I ever knew what to do with.”
“You got pretty good at braiding it,” Tommy commented, which made Ellie’s eyes widen a bit.
She couldn’t imagine Joel doing anything with hair.
She wasn’t even sure he brushed his own.
“Ellie,” Maria said softly, dragging her attention away. “How about we give these boys a few minutes alone with the baby? I’ve got a mountain of laundry upstairs that needs folding, and it’d go much faster with two of us.”
“But,” Ellie protested, suddenly feeling put out. “But I want to stay here.”
“The baby isn’t going anywhere,” Maria reassured her with a smile. “I could really use your help.”
“Go on,” Joel whispered, reaching out to touch her shoulder again. Ellie looked over at him and frowned, but he just kept smiling at her. He reached up and gently pushed a piece of her hair back, similar to how he had been carding through the baby’s curls. It made her throat burn with tears that she refused to cry.
She wasn’t sure why she had to leave the room, but Joel had told her to play nice.
“Fine,” Ellie said, huffing a bit as she stood up and followed Maria upstairs. Ellie stood awkwardly in the doorway of their bedroom, watching as Maria dumped two laundry baskets of clean baby clothes out over their bed and sat down toward the headboard. She felt weird being in their bedroom, but Maria didn’t seem to think anything of it.
“Well, come on,” Maria urged, in that no-nonsense way of hers. “Sit down and help me.”
Ellie did as she was told, hesitantly sinking down on the end of the bed, on the other side of the laundry pile from Maria. She picked up a green blanket that was the size of a pillowcase and wordlessly folded it in half. They folded in silence for a few minutes, making small piles on the other side of the bed.
“Where did you get all this stuff?” Ellie asked, holding up the smallest onesie she had ever seen. She had heard babies crying in the QZ and knew where the nursery was, but she never spent any time in there. It was weird to think that she could have ever fit into such a small piece of clothing.
“Tommy and his crew have kept an eye out for things while on patrol,” Maria explained, creating a mountain of cloth diapers in front of her until it was about to topple over, before starting a new pile. “Some of the older ladies in town made us some stuff, too. They like to sit together after meals and crochet by the big fireplace in the dining hall.”
“Oh,” Ellie said, for lack of anything better.
“Did you find all the clothes we left in your room?” Maria asked, and Ellie nodded. “Do they fit?”
“I think so,” Ellie said with a slight shrug. “I mean, I didn’t try them all on and pretend I was in one of those shitty magazines they had back in the QZ, but... they looked fine.” It probably came off rude, considering Maria had gone out of her way to find her a bunch of clothes.
Joel would probably make her apologize, but it didn’t seem to faze Maria, who just chuckled and nodded. “Are they your style?”
“What do you mean?” Ellie asked.
“The clothes,” Maria said, looking over at her. “Is it the kind of stuff you like to wear?”
Ellie’s eyebrows pinched in confusion. “Clothes are clothes. They’re fine.”
“Okay,” Maria said easily, picking up another tiny onesie to fold and add to their pile. Ellie thought that was going to be the end of the conversation, but Maria looked back over at her and randomly said, “I hate the color yellow.”
Ellie blinked at her. “Okay...?”
“So, I wouldn’t want to wear a yellow shirt if I had the option to wear a blue one.”
“Oh,” Ellie said, swallowing roughly. She was being nice to her. She should probably say thank you and tell her what colors she hated so that this weird bonding moment could continue. But she wasn’t sure what to say. She had never lived somewhere where she had the chance to be picky over what she wore.
Back in the QZ, she wore what they gave her.
On the road, she wore what they could find.
She probably wouldn’t want to wear something super girly, or revealing, or tight, but... she didn’t think the clothes Maria left her were any of those things. So she wasn’t really sure why she was making such a big deal out of it. Ellie busied herself by picking up another too-small pair of pajamas and folding them into the neatest square she could manage.
“Well, just tell me if something doesn’t fit, or if you want something different,” Maria said in that confident way of hers. She never seemed to struggle to find something to say, and didn’t beat around the bush when it came to conversations. She said whatever she wanted to, and nothing more.
“Alright,” Ellie finally said.
“Good.” Maria nodded, folding the last item of clothing before leaning back against the headboard. She closed her eyes for a moment, pressing her hands into the small of her back before letting them fall to her lap.
“Did it hurt?”
Maria opened her eyes. “Giving birth?
“Yes.”
“Like a motherfucker,” she said, which took Ellie by surprise. She couldn’t help but laugh. It must have been the reaction Maria was hoping for, because she smiled a bit. “The last time I gave birth, it was in a hospital with really strong drugs. I could barely feel a thing. This... was not like that. It was long, and bloody, and I thought I was dying for most of it.”
Ellie appreciated her honesty.
Most adults would have lied and said it was a wonderful experience.
“Gross,” Ellie finally said. She wondered, distantly, if Maria had been upset like Joel had the first time she saw her child. They had both lost their children during the outbreak, and having another baby probably made her sad about losing the first one. But she wasn’t sure how to bring it up, so she said nothing. “Can I go back downstairs now?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something else.”
Fuck, here we go.
“Listen, Ellie,” Maria started, sending a wave of anxiety down her spine. She knew that tone. It was the tone every adult used when they were about to say something fucked up. “I know you love Joel, and that you two are very close and have spent a lot of time together,” she said, folding her hands on her lap and not looking away. “I would never try to tell you otherwise. It’s important we have people in our lives that we love and trust.”
“Okay...” Ellie said hesitantly, not understanding where this was going.
“I see the bond that you two have, and I know it’s very special. But you need to know that you have a choice here in Jackson,” she continued, and her tone was... weird. It was very formal. “We take the lives of our children very seriously here, and will do everything in our power to make sure that every child is happy, and safe, and in the proper environment they need to mature and grow into well-rounded, happy adults.”
“What are you talking about?” Ellie asked, anxiety weighing heavily on her chest.
“I’m talking about your living situation with Joel,” Maria said simply, because she never mixed her words. “Out on the road, you never had a choice. You were both doing what you needed to to survive, and I know that bonded you very deeply. But Joel was the adult, and you were the child, and you never had a say on where you went or what you did.”
“What does that mean?” Ellie snapped, her heart pounding in her chest.
“It means that here in Jackson, you have a say, and you have a voice. We want you to know that you will be heard and taken seriously if you decide you want to make any changes to your current living situation. There are people here—families—that would be willing to take you in if you decided that—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Ellie quickly stood from the bed. “What the fuck?”
“Ellie, calm down.”
“No! What the fuck are you talking about?” Ellie demanded, the anxiety moving from her chest into her throat. Her tongue suddenly felt too large for her mouth, swollen and constricting her breathing. She stuttered over her words when she exclaimed, “Why— why are you— why are you saying this shit to me?!”
“Because you need to hear it,” Maria said, still unmoving from the bed. “You’re young, Ellie, but you’re not stupid. I know you’ve seen things that someone your age should never have to see, and that has made you tougher than any child needs to be. You’re allowed to admit that you would feel more comfortable, or more at ease, living with a family or someone of the same gender as you—”
“Why the fuck would I want to do that?!” Ellie shouted, making Maria sigh loudly.
The quiet chatter from downstairs suddenly stopped as the house went dead silent.
“Joel would understand,” Maria said, not raising her voice to match Ellie’s. Her voice remained hauntingly calm, even though their conversation was getting more intense. “I know you think it would hurt him, but I promise you, he would understand. You two could still be close, and still see each other, but—”
“No! This is bullshit!” Ellie shouted, pressing her hand to her chest when it felt like her heart was going to explode. “You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about! You don’t know me, and you don’t know Joel, and you don’t have any— you don’t know what the fuck you’re saying!”
“Stop shouting, Ellie,” Maria said with an exasperated sigh. “I’m just trying to have a conversation with you. I’m not asking you to make any choices today or expecting you to make one decision over the other. I am simply informing you that just because you arrived with Joel, doesn’t mean you’re stuck living with him—”
“Of course I’m not stuck with him!” Ellie snapped, all of the anxiety turning to anger in her chest. “Why are you making it sound like he fucking kidnapped me? That’s not what happened!”
“I’ve been around a lot longer than you have, girl. I have seen things that you haven’t. There are a lot of people here in Jackson that might agree that a young woman like yourself, living with an older, non-relative like Joel—”
“Stop! Just fucking stop!” Ellie screamed, bringing her hands up to her ears and covering them.
“Ellie, we know that there’s nothing inappropriate about your relationship with him, but there are people here that—”
“Fuck those people!” Ellie cut her off again, panic and anger mixing back together in her chest and making it hard to breathe. “Why the fuck would anybody think that about me and Joel? Do you know what kind of sick and twisted motherfuckers are out there? The kind of people who eat kids, and make them their pets, and— and— and try to—” Ellie gasped, her breath stuck in her chest. “Those are the people you should be worried about, not Joel!”
“Ellie...” Maria sighed.
“You’re just saying this because you don’t like him! You don’t even fucking know him!”
“I do know him—”
“No, you don’t! You don’t know a goddamn thing! Fuck you, and fuck your stupid fucking town!”
“Ellie.” Joel was suddenly standing in the doorway, no longer holding the baby and looking very worried. He looked between the two of them, Ellie panting in the corner and Maria casually sitting on the bed, before turning to her and asking, “What’s going on up here? Are you okay?”
“No!” Ellie yelled, her whole body shaking as tears filled her eyes. “This is fucking— bullshit! I hate it here!” She pushed past Joel with all of her strength, running down the stairs and shoving her feet into her shoes. Tommy was standing in the living room with the baby, a concerned look on his face, but he didn’t try to stop her when she ran out the door.
Ellie should have known Maria was going to do this shit.
The last time they were here, she had made it very clear to her that she didn’t think Joel was a good person. She had tricked her into giving her a haircut and told her Joel was a bad person while she was stuck under her scissors. She should have known that she would try to take Ellie away from him now that they were going to stay here for good.
Ellie ran back home, tears streaming down her face as she pushed the front door open and charged up the stairs. Her heart was racing, and her throat was closing, and she fucking hated Maria for doing this to her.
Her words kept replaying in her head, “an older, non-relative,” and it made her want to throw up.
She fucking knew Maria wouldn’t see her as family.
She slammed her bedroom door just as she heard Joel’s footsteps pound up the front steps, calling her name and sounding worried. She let out a rough sob, kicking her shoes off and collapsing in front of her bed. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, crying pathetically into the crook of her elbow.
She heard Joel’s footsteps in the hallway, hovering outside her door. She was expecting him to just come barging in, maybe scold her for yelling at Maria, or tell her that she needs to go back over there and apologize right this instant. But instead of forcing the door open, he softly knocked on it.
“What?” Ellie asked through her tears.
“Can I come in?”
“Do I have a fucking choice?” Ellie asked, her voice cracking as more tears slid down her cheeks. She swore she could hear Joel’s frown from behind the closed door, and it only made her feel worse. She didn’t want to take her anger out on him, but her body betrayed her whenever she was upset.
“A’course you do,” Joel finally said, his words muffled through the door. “We can talk later.”
The idea of him leaving and going back to Tommy and Maria’s made a fresh new wave of anxiety wash over her. She quickly realized that she didn’t want to be alone. She wiped desperately at her face, sniffling her snotty nose and hoping he hadn’t already walked away. “You can come in,” she said, her voice cracking and making her curse.
But, of course he hadn’t left.
Joel was too kind to her.
The doorknob twisted and she avoided his eyes as he stepped inside. She buried her head in the crook of her arms, listening to the creaky floorboards as he moved to stand in front of her. He stood there for a second, her shaky breaths the only sound in the room, before he crouched in front of her.
His knees popped loudly in the quiet room. She looked up just in time to see him sit fully on the floor, his big legs folded up into a pretzel in front of her. He leaned forward on his elbows, frowning deeply at her and bringing another round of tears to her eyes.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, wiping angrily at her cheeks again.
“Okay,” he whispered.
“Okay.” She rested her chin on her folded arms and avoiding his eyes. She was expecting him to get up and leave, maybe give her a while to calm down before he came back to try again, but when she finally looked over at him, he hadn’t moved much. He was leaning back on his palm, and she could tell the floor was hurting his back. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I heard ya.”
“Then what do you want?” Ellie asked, hating how mean it sounded.
“I want to sit here with you,” he said, frowning at her again. “If that’s alright with you?”
“But... why?” Ellie asked, her voice cracking again. “You want to sit and watch me cry?”
“I want to be near you,” he said sadly, looking like he wanted to reach out and wipe her tears away. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes again, her long sleeves blotted with tears and rubbing her face raw. “I don’t like to see you cry, but you shouldn’t have to hold it in. There’s no shame in crying, kiddo.”
His words made another strangled sob leave her lungs.
She really didn’t deserve his kindness.
“Are you—” Ellie let out another pathetic cry. “Are you mad at me?”
“Now why would I be mad at you?” Joel asked, leaning forward on his elbows again. He was looking at her intently, showing no desire to get up off the floor even though there was a bunch of soft furniture they could be sitting on that would be better for his old man back.
“Because I— I yelled at her and I— I ran away.”
“No.” He shook his head, still looking at her sadly. “I’m not mad.”
“Did you... hear what she was saying?” Ellie asked after a beat of silence.
Joel sighed quietly, his hands flexing over his legs the way they had earlier. The way they always did when he was nervous about something. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, watching as he seemed to consider her words before he finally spoke again. “I didn’t hear all of it, but... yeah. I think I know what you two were discussing.”
“She’s wrong,” Ellie said furiously, wiping at her cheeks again. “She— she— she’s fucking wrong. She’s making shit up and trying to make it seem like something is weird when it’s not. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair that she gets to just decide that something is weird when you would never—” Ellie sobbed again, unable to finish her sentence.
“Shh, baby, just breathe,” Joel soothed, reaching out and placing his hands on her elbows. “You’ve gotten yourself all worked up, and that ain’t helpin’ you feel any better,” he said, moving his thumbs back and forth comfortingly over her arms. “Just take a few breaths with me, okay?”
“She can’t make me leave,” Ellie said through her tears, looking up at him seriously.
“Nobody is making you leave,” he assured her, but it did nothing to ease the anxiety in her chest. He didn’t hear the whole conversation, so he didn’t hear how much Maria was hinting at her wanting to leave. “Hey, listen to me,” Joel said, sensing the panic rising in her chest again. “Nobody is making you leave. I wouldn’t let them. I would never let anybody make you do something you didn’t want to do.”
“But, she said—”
“I know what she said,” Joel said sadly. “And I know what she was trying to say to you, but I think there might have been a misunderstanding between y’all.” Ellie opened her mouth to yell, to tell him she wasn’t misunderstanding a goddamn thing, but he held his hands up in defense. “I’m not defending her, or anything like that. She hurt you, and that’s not okay with me.”
That gave Ellie a little bit of sick satisfaction.
“But before we go burning all our bridges, I think we should consider what she was offering,” Joel said, and suddenly all of the anxiety from before was racing back into her. He wants you to leave. He doesn’t want you here. He was always going to pawn you off the first chance he got.
She felt like all the walls were closing in on her.
No, no, no.
This couldn’t be happening.
She thought they were past this, she thought she was family.
“Breathe, kiddo,” Joel said, cutting through the ringing in her ears. He moved his hands back to her arms, squeezing her skinny biceps and then her shoulders. The pressure was nice, and grounding, and it helped her feel like she wasn’t going to blast off into a panic filled solar system.
“You— you want me to live with another family?” Ellie asked, hating how pathetic it sounded.
She didn’t like sounding this vulnerable, or showing her weaknesses, or admitting how fucking attached she was to having Joel in her life. She liked to pretend she was still that little I-don’t-need-anyone orphan that he saved all those months ago, but she knew she wasn’t.
And she couldn’t do this without him.
Joel made a wounded noise at her words, and somehow that hurt even more. “No,” he said, shaking his head and frowning at her. “There ain’t one part of me that wants that, and I’m not sure I’d be any good at it. But if that’s what you wanted—”
“I don’t.”
“Ellie,” Joel said softly, full of pain and... something. “When Sarah’s mom left, she was just a little tiny baby. Not much older than Benji is. She never got to know her mom, or spend time with her, or talk about things that moms and daughters should talk about. I did the best I could, and I think I did an... alright job, but there’s some things that I think she missed out on because she didn’t have a— a mother in her life to show her.”
“But I didn’t have either,” Ellie blurted out, making him snap his mouth shut. “Don’t you get that?” More tears filled her eyes, and she was helpless to stop it. “Sarah had you. She had a dad. She had somebody to take care of her. Maybe it was awkward to talk about... periods or whatever the fuck, but she had you, and I bet you talked about those things with her anyway.”
Joel chuckled sadly, and she could tell that she was right.
“It sucks that she didn’t have a mom, but at least she had a dad!” Ellie exclaimed, another round of hot tears sliding down her cheeks. Joel frowned deeply at her, and she had to force herself to keep talking before she lost her nerve. “If you ever leave me, I—”
“I’m not ever leaving you,” Joel cut in, his eyes serious and unmoving from hers.
“I would have nothing,” Ellie finished her sentence anyway, her words broken and full of pain. Joel kept insisting that she was family, and she was just starting to believe him. She was just starting to believe that they could be family to each other. Maybe not by blood, but they could still be something that looked like a family from the outside. “Without you I go back to having neither.”
“Oh, baby girl,” Joel whispered, shaking his head. “That ain’t ever gonna happen, you hear me?”
This time around, it was her that moved in for a hug first.
All of the times they had hugged in the past, he had been the one to initiate it. But it’s like her body had a mind of its own as she suddenly crawled forward into his space and wrapped her arms around his neck. He didn’t hesitate to hug her back, muttering more gentle words in her ear as he squeezed her back tight.
When she finally pulled back, he wiped the tears from her eyes with a frown. “We don’t have to keep talking about this today, but if you ever change your mind—”
“I won’t,” Ellie assured him, wiping at her nose with her tear-soaked sleeves.
“But if you do—”
“I won’t,” Ellie insisted, narrowing her eyes at him.
“Ellie, please let me say this,” Joel pleaded, reaching out to wipe the last remaining tears off her cheeks. “I know you don’t feel this way today, but if somewhere down the road you ever think you’d be more comfortable living somewhere else, whether that’s with Tommy and Maria, or another family, or your own house when you’re old enough... you tell me, okay? You tell me and we’ll make it work. And it won’t ever come between us.”
“Okay,” Ellie said, because she knew he was serious and knew he needed to hear it.
“I mean it, Ellie,” Joel said seriously. “I won’t be mad. I won’t be hurt. It won’t ever change how much I love you.” Ellie’s heart did that painful twist again, her eyes burning and her throat swelling. “All I want is for you to be happy, no matter what that looks like. Whether it’s with me, or someone else. I ain’t going nowhere. You’ve always got me.”
“Okay,” Ellie whispered, not trusting her voice. “I hear you.”
“Okay,” Joel repeated, nodding his head. He looked at her for another long minute before he finally groaned and said, “Alright, now you’ve gotta help me up off this floor, kid, because both of my damn legs are asleep.”
Ellie couldn’t help but let out a wet giggle as she held out her hand. “Come on, old man, I’ve got you.”
Notes:
will i ever stop crying about girl dad joel? no. thank you so much for asking lmfao.
i'd love to know what your favorite part was in the comments! i'm having so much fun writing for this fic, and i really hope you all are enjoying it too!
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Chapter 3
Summary:
Another rush of fear raced over her as she swung her fist back and put all of her weight into the punch, not caring if she broke her fucking hand as long as it slowed him down.
Her fist connected with his face—hard.
Pain shot through her hand, up through her wrist and forearm, and into her shoulder.
She got that mother fucker good.
Notes:
Trigger warnings for this chapter: PTSD and graphic night terrors (including blood, gore, mentions of David, alluding to SA/Non-Con, cannibalism)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
In Ellie’s dream, she was running through wildflowers.
Riley was there, and they were somewhere in the Jackson Foothills.
The sun was shining and the flowers were blooming, filling the air with rich floral scents that wrapped around her like a comforting hug. They were running as fast as they could, the kind of run that made you feel like you were flying. Like you could just keep going forever and ever and ever.
“Slow down!” Riley cackled, out of breath and hot on her tail.
“Never!” Ellie shouted, looking over her shoulder and grinning like a madman at her best friend. She was so glad she was here with her. She missed her, missed them. Missed doing reckless shit together like running full tilt down a very steep hill, even though they were bound to break an ankle. “If you slow down, you die, man!”
“You’re not gonna die!” Riley rolled her eyes, gaining on her. “I’m gonna die, but you’re gonna live forever!” Riley was joking and laughing, but her words made Ellie feel a bit scared. Her voice was still teasing as she said, “You’re gonna wish you were dead, but you won’t ever die because you’re immune!”
“Immune from what?”
“From dying, silly.” Riley laughed at her. “You’re gonna live, and everyone you love will die.”
“Stop,” Ellie whispered, her heart pounding. They were supposed to be having a good time, but Riley was scaring her. “Don’t joke like that! I don’t want to watch everyone die!” Ellie ran faster, trying to get away from her cruel words, but her foot got caught on a root, and suddenly they were rolling, the world flashing around her as she tumbled.
Sky, dirt, sky, dirt, sky, dirt.
She was dizzy and laughing again, and it felt like she’d never stop rolling. It probably should have hurt, but she couldn’t feel anything. It was so fucking funny. She had never rolled for so long in her life. She had always wanted to go on a roller coaster, and this must be what it felt like.
Maybe this is what it felt like to go to the moon.
Suddenly, Riley was gone, and she wasn’t playfully rolling down a hill anymore. She was flying off a horse right after he’d been shot.
Callus screamed as he went down, throwing her into the frozen ground with enough force to knock all of the wind out of her lungs. She tried to gasp for air, but couldn’t catch her breath. Her face was covered in ice, and she pawed at it with her cold hand.
Everything hurt, and she couldn’t breathe, and Callus was dead.
She opened her mouth to scream, to call out for Riley, but her voice didn’t work.
She blinked her eyes open, and she was in a hospital gown, strapped to a table in an operating room. There were tubes down her throat, and lights shining in her face, and doctors and nurses standing over her without realizing she was awake. Her heart started racing, trying desperately to move so they’d know she was conscious.
“Ten blade,” the doctor requested, holding out his hand for a scalpel. “I can’t believe she thought she could save the world,” he said conversationally to the nurse. “Imagine? The whole world saved by this pathetic little shit?” The doctor laughed, rolling his eyes as he turned toward her, the light reflected off the scalpel in his hand. “I think I’ll take the brain out first, and we can eat whatever is left over.”
She screamed, and she was back in the snow with Callus.
The hospital was gone, the tubes were gone, but Callus was still dead.
Those people were hunting her, taunting her, peaking around corners, and darting between houses. They were whispering to each other that she should never have come here, and she couldn’t help but agree with them. They were mocking her, and laughing at her, and she kept trying to get up and run away, but her legs wouldn’t work.
No, no, no. She didn’t want to die like this.
They were going to take her, and then they were going to kill Joel.
“Oh, Ellie, don’t you understand?” David asked, suddenly rolling her over onto her back and pinning her down. She was in the steakhouse, and everything was on fire. She opened her mouth and screamed, her muscles paralyzed with fear and completely overpowered. David bent down and nosed at her jaw. “The fighting is the part I like the most.”
“Fuck you!” Ellie screamed, but it came out weak and pathetic.
“That’s the point, Ellie,” David said, grinning at her.
“Joel is going to fucking kill you!”
“I don’t think Joel’s going to be killing anybody,” David said, gripping her chin and turning her head to the side. Joel was lying on a dirty mattress a few feet from her, his eyes open and looking right at her, but there was no life left in them.
There was blood pouring from his neck, soaking everything in sticky, red blood.
“Joel!” She sobbed roughly, looking at his lifeless body and his dead eyes. “Joel, get up!”
“I’m sorry, Joel can’t come to the phone right now,” David teased, turning her chin back and wiggling his eyebrows at her. She screamed in his face as loudly as she could, her throat burning and cracking with the pressure. He laughed and screamed along with her, matching her tone. “Stupid fucking girl. Nobody can hear you.”
“Fuck you!” she screamed, thrashing against him. “I’m going to fucking kill you!”
“El-lie,” David sang in that cocky sing-song voice. “Ellie, Ellie, Ellie,” he repeated, reaching for his belt. She screamed again, spat in his face, and used every bit of strength she had to fight him off, but none of it was working. The worst part was when he started mocking Joel, putting on a thick southern accent as he crooned, “It’s me, baby girl. I’m right here.”
It made her want to kill him even more.
How dare he talk to her like that.
“You’re going to fucking die!” Ellie screamed, her throat raw and her voice threatening to give out. She reached behind her, desperately looking for the handle of the machete. She knew it was there; she knew she needed to use it, but she couldn’t find it. “I’m going to fucking kill you!”
“Look at me, baby, I’m right here with you,” David said, still making himself sound like Joel.
“Don’t you fucking touch me!” Ellie cried, her vision swimming and the room spinning.
There were hands in her hair, and on her cheeks, and she was freezing and sweating at the same time. She screamed, and cried, and wished he’d just fucking kill her already so she didn’t have to live through this again.
She wouldn’t be able to survive it a second time.
Ellie gasped and shot straight up in bed, her head colliding with something with a loud, painful crack. She groaned loudly, bright light flashing behind her eyes at the force of the impact. Whatever she had hit also made a pained noise, and it sent a surge of fear down her spine.
She desperately choked on her air, her lungs empty and her head spinning.
Where the fuck was her fucking knife?!
She darted her hand out and felt around the bed for it, needing it to protect herself and kill David, but instead of coming in contact with her knife, her hand ran directly into his chest. Another rush of fear raced over her as she swung her fist back and put all of her weight into the punch, not caring if she broke her fucking hand as long as it slowed him down.
Her fist connected with his face—hard.
Pain shot through her hand, up through her wrist and forearm, and into her shoulder.
She got that mother fucker good.
She scrambled off the bed, desperately trying to get away from him before he could hurt her again. Her head was spinning, and she was pretty sure there was blood dripping into her mouth, but none of that fucking mattered. All that mattered was getting away. But then her legs got tangled in the blankets, and she fell roughly to the ground with a loud thump.
Another sharp pain burst through her hip and her spine as she clawed at the floor, sobbing as she tried to get her feet under her, but they were too twisted up. She heard him behind her, his heavy frame making the floorboards creak under his feet as she finally got free of the blanket and crawled backward until she ran into the side of the bed.
“Ellie! Focus on me, baby.”
Ellie froze, Joel’s voice—his real voice—like a shock to her system.
Suddenly, everything came screaming into perspective.
She wasn’t in Silver Lake, pinned down to the floor of a steakhouse and fighting for her life. She was on the floor of her bedroom, tangled up in a pile of blankets. It was dark, there was blood dripping down her face, and Joel was on his hands and knees a few feet in front of her.
She didn’t need to get away from David because she had already killed him weeks ago.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
What the fuck happened?
“J-Joel?”
“Shit,” he cursed, letting his head hang between his shoulders before looking back up at her. When their eyes met again, he looked... terrified. He was shaking and panting heavily like he did after a fight. His left eye was swollen and bright red, and there were drops of blood on the collar of his white t-shirt.
“Joel?” Ellie choked out again, everything confusing in her head.
“Look at me, kiddo,” Joel said around his ragged breathing, and she looked up to meet his eyes again. He took a deep breath in, looking like he wanted to move toward her but was waiting for something. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, his eyes scanning her face. His voice was strained when he asked, “Are you with me, Ellie girl?”
“What— what happened?” Her voice sounded far away from her body, like she was standing in the corner and listening to somebody else speak. Her head was throbbing to the beat of her heart, and her right arm felt like it had pins and needles in it. She looked down at her shaking hands, spreading her trembling fingers out before clenching them back into fists.
She met his eyes again, and whatever he saw there made a rough sound escape his lungs as he quickly crawled forward and pulled her into his arms. “Oh, baby girl, it’s okay. I’ve gotcha now.” He hugged her roughly like they had been separated for months, and rocked her back and forth, whispering words of comfort into her hair.
There was still adrenaline surging through her body, but she felt safer in his arms.
“Joel,” she said pathetically, trying to make sense of what had happened.
He reluctantly pulled away from her, and she noticed again how fucked up his face was. His left eye was puffed up and swollen shut, the redness spreading angrily toward his temple, and his bottom lip was split open and bleeding into his beard.
He didn’t even seem to notice.
“Come on, we gotta get you up,” he said, sliding his forearm underneath her bent legs and standing with her in the crook of his arms. It happened so fast that it gave her another head rush, her ears ringing and blood wooshing behind her eyes. She felt dizzy and sick, but his voice was comforting as he explained, “You’re okay, but we’ve got to stop the bleeding.”
His words confused her, since he was the one who was bleeding.
He quickly moved her into the hall bathroom, flicking on the light that made her head hurt even worse. She hadn’t even realized she was still crying until the light started burning her sore, wet eyes. She clutched desperately at his shoulders, whimpering in pain as he tried to soothe her.
“I know, I know, I know.” His voice cracked as he talked. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you now. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”
He sat her down on the counter next to the sink, and grabbed the towel that was hanging off the back of the door. His hand was gentle as he cradled the back of her head, holding her steady as he used the other to press the towel firmly against her forehead. She gasped and cried out, desperately pushing at his chest and his arms as pain shot through her body.
“Fucking shit motherfucker!”
“I know, baby, I’m sorry,” Joel consoled, sounding on the verge of tears himself. “I know it hurts.” His words came out soft, but the pressure on her head was unrelenting. He kept talking to her, trying to explain what was happening. “You got yourself good, but you’re alright. Just bleeding a lot ‘cause it’s your head.”
She slumped against his chest, sobbing pathetically into his shirt.
It hurt so fucking bad.
She couldn’t stop shivering, and she was suddenly so tired.
Her body felt weightless and fuzzy, just like it did when she was falling asleep at night. She knew she shouldn’t be this tired, not when she was sitting upright and in this much pain, but she was cold and lightheaded, and if she leaned all of her weight on Joel, she swore she could nod off for a few seconds and he wouldn’t even notice.
Except he did notice.
“Nu-uh, none of that, come on,” Joel protested, the hand on the back of her head squeezing to shock her awake. She forced her eyes back open and pulled away from his shoulder, blinking quickly to try to clear her blurry vision. Joel was staring back at her, his face still fucked up and swollen. “I know it hurts, honey, but you gotta stay awake.”
“What happened?” Ellie asked again, her teeth chattering from how hard she was shivering. He moved his hand off the back of her head to rub her arm instead, trying in vain to warm her up without taking the pressure off her head.
“You were... having a bad dream,” Joel said hesitantly, still rubbing the flat of his palm up and down her shivering arm. “You were awake, but... dreamin’.” He sounded so fucking broken about it. He carefully eased the towel away from her temple so he could look at it, but whatever he saw there made him wince and press it back into the cut.
She shivered against the pain, his words about her dream finally processing.
Riley, Callus, Fireflies, David.
When she had woken up, she thought she was fighting David, which means that she was actually fighting... oh, fuck.
No, no, no.
“Oh my god,” Ellie said, realizing what she had done. His face was fucked up because of her. She sat up straighter and tried to push the towel away, but he was unmovable. He shushed her and shook his head no, kept telling her to stop, but she could barely hear him over the ringing in her ears. “Fuck, dude, I fucking hurt you.”
“You didn’t know it was me.” He sounded devastated.
“Joel,” Ellie whimpered, her voice cracking as she took in his appearance. She was pretty sure she had headbutted him when she woke up, which would explain his bloody lip and her bleeding face, and one of her punches landed directly against his eye. He had been trying to help her, and all she had done was hurt him.
Jesus Christ, she had probably given him a black fucking eye.
What the fuck was wrong with her?
“I’m okay,” Joel assured her, smiling weakly with only one eye open. “Don’t you worry about me.”
“You’re not,” Ellie sobbed, feeling like she was going to be sick. “You— there’s blood,” she said, reaching up with a shaking hand to try and inspect his jaw. “Joel, you’re fucking bleeding,” she squeaked, touching the pads of her fingers to his blood-stained beard. “Please, you have to let me help you.”
He gently wrapped his free hand around her fingers, moving them away from his beard and holding them against the base of his throat instead, the same way he did when she was having a panic attack. She didn’t think she was having a panic attack now, but if she kept looking at where she made him bleed, she might.
She looked up at him through her tears, hating herself so fucking much.
“Listen to me,” he said seriously, not looking away from her eyes. He squeezed her fingers tightly and made sure she was listening before he continued, speaking slowly to make sure she understood. “It ain’t nothin’, alright? I didn’t even feel it. I’m okay.”
“It’s not nothing,” she sobbed, her teeth starting to chatter again. “I— I— I—”
“Shh, come on. None of that,” Joel told her, finally moving the towel off her head and wrapping his arms around her instead. They were almost the same height because of how she was sitting on the counter, which made it easy for her to bury her face in his shoulder and cry. “That’s it, you’re alright. Let it out, kiddo.”
She wasn’t sure how long he stood there letting her cry against him, but eventually her tears started slowing, and her breathing evened out. He gently pulled away from her and turned the tap on, soaking the corner of the towel in warm water. He tipped her chin up with one hand and began wiping the blood off her face.
She looked up at him sadly, her eyes unmoving from all the places she had hurt him. She should start locking her door at night, so this could never happen again. He frowned as he rubbed the towel down the side of her neck, making her look down and realize her shirt was covered in blood.
No wonder she felt so tired.
He sighed quietly, still frowning deeply as he opened the cabinet next to her and grabbed the first aid kit. He kept a hand on her shoulder to steady her, as if she were a baby that couldn’t be trusted not to fall off a tall surface, but she was just lightheaded enough to allow it.
He looked back at the cut on her head and sighed again, and he had that look on his face like he blamed himself for letting her get hurt, even though she was the one who had beaten the crap out of him in her sleep.
“I don’t think it needs stitches,” he told her quietly, making sure she was steady before scrubbing his hands in the sink. He picked up a bottle of ointment and squeezed a bit out on his finger, gently dabbing it onto the cut on her forehead and making her wince. His voice was quiet and sympathetic as he whispered, “Sorry, sweetheart.”
“It’s fine.” She sniffled her nose, looking away from the blood in his beard and down to the floor instead. He peeled back the paper on two Steri-Strip bandages, tilting her head up to look at him again as he carefully applied them to her wound. She swallowed the lump in her throat, making a list in her head of all the reasons she didn’t deserve his mercy.
He should hate her for what she did to him.
“Does anything else hurt?” he asked quietly, picking up her hands and inspecting them.
“No.”
“Wiggle your fingers for me,” he said, gently holding her right hand in his. She wiggled them and grimaced when pain shot through the top of her hand and into her wrist. He looked up at her and frowned again. “Touch each of your fingers to your thumb, like this,” he said, demonstrating what he wanted her to do.
“Joel—”
“Ellie, please... just humor me.” He looked up at her with the saddest fucking expression, one that she hadn’t seen since the days following Silver Lake. She forced another swallow and slowly touched the tips of her fingers to her thumb like he wanted, grinding her teeth through the pain. “Good, that’s good,” he whispered, laying his hand over hers to still her fingers.
“Is it broken?”
“No.” He shook his head, still gently holding her wrist in his hand. “Not broken, just... gonna be sore a while.”
“Can you—” she gestured at the blood on his face instead of finishing her sentence, afraid that she might throw up if she said the words out loud. She didn’t know how to deal with the fact that she was the one who had put it there. She picked up the towel and handed it to him with pleading eyes, needing him to take care of it before she started crying again.
He sighed quietly and took it from her, running it back under the tap before roughly wiping at his mouth and beard. The difference between how he cared for himself and how he cared for her should be studied. It was like night and day. With her, he was all soft touches and careful movements, but with himself, he was harsh and fast, and didn’t care if he caused additional pain.
She almost wanted to tell him to be nice to himself.
“You should put ice on it,” she said instead, staring at his swollen eye and wishing she had never fallen asleep. Never had any stupid dreams. Never got herself into any fucked up situation that would inspire her stupid fucking dreams. Her throat felt a little too tight when she swallowed, but she forced her body to do it anyway.
“I’m fine,” he said, dropping the towel into the sink. “We should ice your hand, though.” The blood from his face was gone, but the cut on his lip was still red and obvious. Looking at it made her hate herself even more. She shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near him if this was how she was going to treat him. “Come on, let’s get you warmed up, okay?”
His words were so fucking gentle, and she didn’t deserve any of them.
She slid off the counter, ignoring the noise of protest he made. She had already let him carry her once this evening; she wouldn’t let him do it twice. She felt a little wobbly on her feet, her head spinning and fuzzy, but she put one foot in front of the other and made herself walk.
She paused when she got to her room, stopping so suddenly that Joel ran into the back of her. He steadied her when she tripped forward, apologizing quietly for running into her, but she could barely hear it over the sound of Callus dying in her ears. Her dream came racing back to her as she stared at the crumpled blankets on the floor.
She swore she could still feel David’s hands around her throat, and hear his stupid fucking voice in her ear. She saw flashes of Callus tripping end over end as she flew off his back, and Riley’s face after the cordyceps took over, just moments before she had to put a bullet in her brain.
She was shaking again, but it wasn’t from being cold.
“Ellie?” Joel asked quietly, hand on her elbow.
She turned to look at him as the tears started, shaking her head and having no idea how to explain the fear surging through her body. She knew she was being fucking stupid, and that it was just a damn dream. She needed to grow up—toughen up—and go back to sleep without crying to him about it.
But she was suddenly so paralyzed with fear that she couldn’t move.
Couldn’t think.
Couldn’t do anything except hear David taunting her in her dream.
“Joel can’t come to the phone right now.”
“Stupid fucking girl. Nobody can hear you.”
“Don’t you see? It’s the fighting I like the most.”
“Ellie?” Joel repeated, frowning and cupping her cheek in his hand.
“I— I can’t.” Ellie gasped, shaking her head and moving his hand with it. “I can still hear him,” she said dumbly, aware that she wasn’t making any sense. He wouldn’t know what she was scared of if she couldn’t find her words. But thankfully, Joel still seemed to understand anyway.
Even without her saying it.
“Come on,” he whispered, gently turning her around with his hands on her shoulders and steering her across the hall. She should tell him no, remind him that she wasn’t a fucking baby, and that she didn’t need to sleep in his room like she was five. But the idea of going back to hers, where all her demons were lined up waiting for her, seemed way worse.
So, she let him lead her into his room and sit her down on the foot of his bed.
She wrapped her arms around herself, shivering and silently crying as he went into his closet and returned with one of his soft, gray sweatshirts that he used to layer under his coats when they were out on the road. He handed it to her and tilted her chin up to look at him again, like he had done in the bathroom earlier.
“I’m gonna get some ice for your hand, okay?” He looked concerned when she finally met his eyes, but not full-blown Joel Panic Mode. She nodded once, more a jerk of the head than anything else, and he smiled tiredly at her. “Change into this while I’m gone, okay? We gotta throw this one out.”
“Okay,” she agreed, nodding her head as her teeth chattered again. He smiled at her before turning around and walking out of the room. She almost wanted to do something stupid, like get up and follow him downstairs so that she wouldn’t have to be alone.
But that was too pathetic, even for her.
She pulled her ruined long-sleeve shirt over her head, using the bottom of it to wipe the remaining drops of blood from her collarbones before pulling on the clean sweatshirt. It was way too big on her, practically drowning in it, and she wasted no time curling the sleeves around her hands.
It was warm and safe, and smelled like Joel.
It was the opposite of her dream, where everything was cold and scary.
She pushed her ruined shirt to the floor and crawled up the bed, pulling back the blankets on the side he didn’t sleep on. She curled up on her side, piling the blankets on top of her and digging her face into the pillow. She was so fucking tired, and finally wrapped in warmth after shivering for the last half hour.
Maybe if she fell asleep fast enough, she wouldn’t feel too self-conscious about having to spend the night in here.
She closed her eyes for what felt like a second, but then startled awake a few minutes later when Joel gently sat down beside her. She opened her eyes, watching as he propped himself up against the headboard, sitting on top of the blankets with an ice pack in his hand.
He must have changed his shirt, because there weren’t any traces of blood on this one.
“Gimme your hand,” he said quietly, holding his out expectantly. She was too tired to fight him on it, so she pushed her arm out of the blanket toward him. He wordlessly bunched the sleeve until her hand popped free, holding it carefully against his leg as he pressed the ice pack to her knuckles.
She grimaced, but didn’t fight him on that, either.
“Okay?” Joel asked, and she nodded. “Good.”
He tipped his head back against the headboard and closed his eyes, still sitting upright with her hand in his lap. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, probably trying to let go of all the chaos from the last hour. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking up at him and trying to put everything together in her head.
He must have felt her staring, because he cracked an eye open at her.
“I don’t understand how this could happen,” she whispered, tears burning her already sore eyes. He gave her that sad look from earlier, and she knew he would rather she just go to sleep. It was late, and his face probably hurt like hell, and she had already ruined his night. But she couldn’t go to sleep with all of it weighing on her chest. “How could I hurt you like this?”
Joel swallowed roughly, avoiding her eyes as he busied himself with the ice pack on her knuckles, lifting it and adjusting it even when it was fine before. He was probably buying himself time to figure out how to get out of this conversation. Another moment or two passed before he looked back over at her. “You didn’t know it was me.”
It was the same thing he had said earlier.
It sounded like bullshit.
“But how could I not know it was you?” Ellie asked, her voice cracking. “It’s... you.”
“Because you weren’t really awake.” Joel sighed, his words low and sad. He still looked like he blamed himself, even though none of this was his fault. “Have you ever heard of a night terror before?” he asked hesitantly, and she shook her head. He fiddled with the ice pack again, his fingers gentle on her hand as a few moments passed. “Tommy had them real bad when he got back from Iraq.”
“What are they?”
“It’s like a nightmare, but... worse.”
“Oh,” Ellie whispered, noticing how the words seemed to weigh on him. “Tommy had them?”
“Yeah.” Joel nodded sadly, like it was painful for him to remember it. “He lived with us for a while after he got home, and he’d wake up screamin’ and loading his rifle. Except it wasn’t his rifle, because I didn’t allow guns in the house with Sarah. He’d just be holding a broomstick, or a— a bat, or something. Something he thought was a rifle, because he was still dreamin’. He’d yell at me to get down, or take cover, or get behind him. Things like that.”
“Even though... he was awake?”
“Yeah,” Joel said, looking down at her hand again. “His eyes were open, and he seemed fully aware... other than the fact he thought he was in a war zone.” When he finally looked back over at her, his eyes were full of sadness. “It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He wasn’t tryin’ to hurt me, or scare Sarah, or nothin’. He just… couldn’t help it. You can’t stop yourself from dreamin’.”
Ellie wiped at her eyes with her free hand, snotting all over Joel’s clean sweatshirt.
She knew he wouldn’t mind.
“When did they stop?” she asked, her voice squeaky.
“I’m not sure,” Joel said with a slight shrug. “They slowed down a bit after a while, but he was still having them when he moved into his own place a few years later. I guess you’d have to ask him when they stopped for good.”
Ellie remembered the first day they got here, when Tommy mentioned a barn door scaring him into thinking he was back in the Army. She wondered, suddenly, if his night terrors ever stopped.
Maybe he was still fucked up after all these years, just like she was going to be.
Maybe there was no fucking hope for her at all.
The idea of still being scared of her thoughts thirty years from now brought more tears to her eyes. She sniffled and wiped at them, looking at Joel’s beat-up face and hating herself all over again. “Did he ever make you bleed?” she asked miserably, her throat sore. “Give you a black eye?”
“Worse than that, I reckon,” Joel said, smiling weakly at her. “They were pretty bad at first.”
She wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or if he was just trying to make her feel better. More tears sprang to her eyes and slid down her cheeks, and he frowned when he noticed them. “I should have known it was you,” she said, rubbing her cheek into the wet patch she was leaving on his pillow. “I’ve had nightmares for months, but I’ve never— I should have fucking known it was you and stopped myself before I hurt you.”
“Baby,” Joel whispered sadly. “I’m doing just fine. I know how to take a punch.”
“You’re not fine,” she sobbed, squeezing her eyes shut so she wouldn’t have to look at his bruised face anymore. “All you do is try and help and— and— and keep me safe, and all I do is hurt you. Over and over and over again.” She was crying much harder now, burying her face into the big sleeve of his sweatshirt and trying to hide behind it.
“Ellie...” Joel said, sounding broken again.
“You’ve had to do all these— these terrible things because of me,” she hiccuped into her sleeve. “You’ve had to kill so many people. You almost fucking died. I’m not— I’m not even fucking worth it, Joel.” She looked up at him miserably, his eyes unmoving from hers. “I can’t even sleep through the night without hurting you. I’m too... fucked up and I’m never gonna get better.”
Joel made a sad noise above her, carefully removing the ice pack from her hand and scooting closer to her. She should have gotten up and gone to her room so he wouldn’t have to comfort her, but instead she rolled into his side, digging her forehead against his hip and wishing she wasn’t like this.
He started gently carding through her hair, and it only made her cry harder.
She didn’t deserve to be treated so softly after everything she had done to him tonight, but he didn’t seem to care about any of it. He just carefully worked through the knots in her hair as she cried against his hip. She wasn’t looking at him, but she swore she could hear him swallow the lump in his throat.
Eventually, her tears stopped.
She was too tired to keep crying, and his hand in her hair was lulling her to sleep.
It seemed like forever before he finally spoke.
“I’m actually kind of proud of you, you know,” Joel said quietly, making her blanch and pull back to look at him. How the fuck could he be proud of her after everything that had happened? He looked down at her and smiled sadly, his fingers still running through her hair. “You throw a mean punch, kiddo.”
“Don't,” she said, not ready to joke about it. “That’s not fucking funny.”
“I’m serious. You’ve got some real heat behind those fists. I think you would enjoy boxing if we could find a punching bag around here.” He smiled softly at her, even when she looked at him like he was crazy. She had no idea why he was talking about punching bags after everything she had just admitted. “I learned how to box when I was around your age, and it... helped. It was a place to channel all the bad shit.”
She blinked up at him, her mind struggling to keep up.
She knew that he liked to distract her lately by telling her stories from before, but this didn’t seem like that. He was genuinely sharing something with her that he thought might help, not because he wanted to distract her from her sadness, but because he understood what she was going through.
It reminded her of being back on the road, when she had to work for his stories and they weren’t just offered up for free. She slowly settled back down against her pillow, staring at the side of Joel’s leg and playing his words over again in her head. He started running his fingers through her hair again, scratching gently at her scalp in a way that made her sleepy as hell.
They were quiet for a few minutes, both lost in their thoughts.
Joel finally cleared his throat, and she looked up at him.
“For the record...” he started, still sorting his words out in his head. He looked over at her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “All the bad shit you think I’ve done... all the choices you think I’ve made because of you,” he paused, meeting her eyes again. He swallowed the lump in his throat, slowly shaking his head. “I’d do them all over again.”
Ellie’s eyes burned as more tears dripped out of them.
“I’m sorry about your face,” she said, her words small and sad.
“Close your eyes, kiddo,” he whispered, smiling tiredly at her. “Get some rest.”
“I’m scared to close them,” she admitted, avoiding his gaze and staring blankly in front of her. “What if I hurt you again?” She brought her hand up to her mouth, chewing on the nail of her pointer finger. He reached over and stopped her, gently moving her hand back onto his lap and pressing the ice pack to her knuckles.
“You’re not going to hurt me,” he said, and it almost sounded like a promise.
“You don’t know that.” Her voice wobbled with emotion, overwhelmed by everything that had happened tonight. I’d do them all over again. She looked up at the dark bruise forming around his eye, and it made her want to throw up. She was going to ruin them one day. “I don’t— I don’t trust myself anymore.”
“I trust you,” he said, smiling softly at her.
It only made her feel worse.
He should be mad at her for fucking up his face, especially when people were going to ask questions about it. He should be mad at her for having to kill an entire hospital full of people just to save her. He should yell at her, lock her in her room, and not put himself in harm's way ever again.
But she knew he wouldn’t do that.
He would keep saving her, over and over again.
“Close your eyes, baby. I won’t let anything happen,” he whispered, and she couldn’t help but listen.
One day, she was going to be too much for him to handle.
She was just glad that day wasn’t today.
I’d do it all over again.
Notes:
i love that they talk to each other 😭😭 sorry 'bout ya face, joel.
thank you so much for all your lovely comments on the last chapter. they really mean the world to me, and definitely help me feel inspired to keep writing! i'd love to know how we're all feeling after this heavy chapter!
Come say hi!
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Chapter 4
Summary:
“Is there somethin’ you needed, or did you just come over here to give me shit?” Joel asked his brother, crossing his arms over his chest in irritation.
“Well, actually, I was wondering if Ellie wanted to come with me to the stables,” Tommy said, easily moving on from their almost-fight.
“Me?” Ellie asked, whipping her head up.
“Yeah, you,” Tommy said with a gentle laugh.
Notes:
Trigger warnings for this chapter: disorded eating (related to Silver Lake trauma)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The next morning, Ellie wasn’t hungry.
It had everything to do with the state of Joel’s face.
She was sitting at the kitchen table, dragging a spoon through a bowl of oats without ever bringing it to her mouth. Joel was sitting across from her, the bruise around his eye like a big, shining beacon that screamed: look how fucked up you are!
She couldn’t stand to look at it, but couldn’t make herself look away, either.
He had already finished his breakfast and moved on to his next task, which involved taking something apart and putting it back together. He was purposely keeping himself busy so as not to draw attention to the fact that she wasn’t eating.
Her appetite had been all over the place since they left Colorado; some days she was ravenous and could never feel full, and other days she cried with every bite and tried not to throw it all up. She knew he always worried about it, but he was really patient and never pressed too hard. He’d busy himself with one task or another and would give her all the time she needed to eat.
When they were on the road, he’d pack and repack his bag, clean his gun, clean her gun.
Now, he found other things to do while she ate, which mostly involved fixing things.
This morning, he had pulled a broken light switch off the wall and had taken it apart with a screwdriver. He insisted he could fix it. She had no idea what he was doing to it, but it was spread out in several pieces around his coffee cup and was keeping him busy.
It gave her plenty of time to sit and stare at his black eye instead of eating.
Her lack of appetite today had nothing to do with Colorado and all to do with his face.
She had hoped it wouldn’t be that bad, but it was even worse in the daylight.
He cleared his throat, feeling her eyes on him, and she looked down at her bowl. Oatmeal had never looked less appealing before, which was a shame because it was one of her favorite meals. He had even put some dried apples and raisins in it that he’d found in the pantry, and she was sure it would taste amazing if she could just take a bite.
She dragged the back of her spoon through the middle and didn’t even consider bringing any of it to her mouth. She didn’t like to waste food, because she knew how hard it was to come by, but the idea of putting anything in her stomach made her insides twist and revolt.
She pushed her bowl away, making Joel look up at her. “I can’t do it.”
“I could make you something else,” Joel offered quietly, setting down his screwdriver. He rubbed at his good eye and then blinked to clear his vision. He had told her a few days ago that he sometimes had trouble seeing up close, and she wondered if the broken light switch was giving him a headache.
“That’s okay.” She shook her head, willing herself not to cry over something as stupid as breakfast. “I’m just not hungry.”
Joel frowned at her, and she had to tear her eyes away from his face. She couldn’t keep looking at it. She looked down at her hands, picking at the skin around her thumb until it started bleeding. She brought it up to her mouth and sucked on it, ignoring the tang of blood that bloomed over her tongue.
“We’ll just have a bigger lunch, okay?” Joel resolved quietly. She nodded, watching as he picked up her bowl and started eating it. He was probably still full from his breakfast, but he knew she’d be upset if it went to waste, so he ate the cold oatmeal in a few large bites before taking the dish over to the sink.
She wiped at her eyes when he wasn’t looking, silently cursing at herself to toughen up. She couldn’t keep crying about everything. She was stronger than that and had been through worse shit in her life.
She didn’t need to be crying over something as trivial as oatmeal.
She wrapped her arms around her stomach as Joel turned and leaned against the counter, drying his hands off on a kitchen towel. She could tell by the look on his face that he was about to say something nice to her, and she wasn’t sure she could stomach it.
He was probably going to remind her that it was totally fine that she punched him in the face last night.
Thankfully, before he could say anything, there was a knock on the door followed by the sound of it squeaking open. Joel leaned to his right to see who it was, his face relaxing at whatever he saw. She figured it was Tommy, since he was the only one who walked in like he owned the place.
Sure enough, a moment later, Tommy walked into the kitchen with a bright smile on his face. He was dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a tucked-in flannel shirt, but this morning he had also added cowboy boots and a large belt buckle to his ensemble.
He looked ridiculous.
If Ellie knew him better, she might have made fun of him for it.
“Good morn— Jesus Christ, brother, what happened to your face?”
Ellie wanted to fucking die.
Tommy’s smile disappeared as he quickly stepped over to Joel, looking like he wanted to fuss over his fully grown (and older) brother. It was another thing that Ellie might have made fun of him for, if she weren’t currently wishing to disappear.
“Nothing happened,” Joel dismissed, which made Tommy scoff as he reached for his face to inspect it. Joel batted his hand away with a grumbled, “Quit.”
“What happened to your face, Joel? Did you get into a fight or somethin’?” Tommy asked, looking over his shoulder at Ellie, who pointedly avoided his eyes by glaring down at the table. She definitely wasn’t going to tell him what happened. “If you got into it with someone, you need to tell me. These people here are—”
“Jesus, Tommy, will you knock it off?” Joel snapped, pushing around him and gathering up the broken light switch from the table. Ellie felt like she was going to throw up or burst into a million little pieces right there at the kitchen table. “I didn’t get into a fight with anybody. I just wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. It’s no big deal, so cut it out.”
“No big deal my ass,” Tommy muttered under his breath.
Ellie could barely hear them over the sound of blood rushing through her ears.
“Drop it, Tommy. I won’t tell you again.”
“Yeah, alright,” Tommy huffed, though he was clearly not buying Joel’s excuse.
“Is there somethin’ you needed, or did you just come over here to give me shit?” Joel asked, crossing his arms over his chest in irritation. She hated that she was the cause of whatever rift was happening between them. If she hadn’t punched Joel in the face, they wouldn’t be on the brink of an argument, and he wouldn’t have that goddamn bruise around his eye.
“Well, actually, I was wondering if Ellie wanted to come with me to the stables.”
“Me?” Ellie asked, whipping her head up.
“Yeah, you,” Tommy said with a gentle laugh, easily moving on from their almost-fight.
“Why?” she asked quietly, confused why he would want to spend time with her. She hadn’t seen him since the other night, when she had gotten into a fight with Maria and stormed out of his house. There was no reason that he should want to take her anywhere, except maybe down the street to force her to apologize to his wife.
“Well, all the kids ‘round here pick up different shifts around town, and I thought since you seemed to like animals, the stables might be a good place to start.” His words came out smoothly, as if he had known her forever, not just a few days. “I was heading over there now, if you want to join me?”
Ellie blinked at him, having no idea what to say to that.
She knew that this bubble she was living in with Joel wasn’t going to last forever. Everyone pitched in around Jackson, and that would include them. She didn’t even mind the idea of hard work since she had grown up in a military school where chores weren’t optional, but... she hadn’t expected it to start today.
And she didn’t like the idea of going anywhere without Joel.
They never went anywhere without each other, and the thought of going to the stables without him brought a pang of anxiety to her chest. She brought a hand up to her sternum and rubbed at it, peering over at Joel, who was already looking back at her. “Will you come too?”
“Sure,” Joel said without any hesitation, which eased the anxiety rising in her. He looked over at Tommy and had one of those silent, adult conversations with their eyes, and she had the urge to tell them off for it. Joel turned back to her with a careful smile. “I can go with you, if you want, but... it’d be okay if you wanted to go by yourself.”
“Oh.” Ellie frowned, taken aback. The rejection stung even though it wasn’t a real rejection. “Yeah, okay.”
“Well, I was just thinkin’,” Joel began, moving to sit down next to her. The chair scraped loudly against the floor as he pulled it out. He rested his hand on the table between them, tapping his pointer finger against the wood. “I’ve got some stuff to do around the house today, if you’d rather go by yourself.”
Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to be rational about the whole thing.
He wasn’t rejecting her, he was just... offering her some independence.
... it still sort of felt like a rejection.
“Okay,” she mumbled, avoiding his eyes.
Joel leaned forward and placed a hand on her forearm, making her look up at him. He smiled softly at her, tapping his thumb against her wrist. “It’s up to you, kiddo. Horses are more your thing than mine, but I’m more than happy to go shovel shit with you if you’d like.”
Ellie rolled her eyes. “Well, when you say it like that.”
“Nobody has to shovel any shit today.” Tommy laughed, and she looked over at him. “I mean, I won’t stop you if that’s your idea of a good time, but...” he trailed off, making her snort. Tommy was a really weird guy. “I just thought it’d be nice to introduce you to everyone down there, and let you get comfortable ‘round the animals. If you don’t like it, we can come right back.”
The idea of meeting new people made her want to die, but for some reason, it was really important to the Millers. She wasn’t sure why. It must have something to do with the before times, and how people used to act around each other. She had only ever lived in a post-outbreak world, where not everybody could be trusted and most people lied.
“Hey,” Joel said, squeezing her arm gently and breaking her out of her thoughts. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I know,” she said quietly, chewing on the inside of her cheek. She knew she didn’t have to do anything, and that he would have her back if she just wanted to stay home, but she also knew that he really wanted her to fit in here. She could be friendly, just like he asked her the other day. “It’s okay... I’ll go.”
“Atta girl,” Tommy said from across the room, and it sounded a lot like something Joel would say. She looked back over at Joel, and she could tell that underneath his proud smile, there was a hint of worry. He wasn’t totally sold on the idea of her going alone, either. Tommy cleared his throat and said, “Go get dressed, kid, we gotta get a move on.”
She looked back at Joel, suddenly hesitant again.
“Go on,” he murmured, squeezing her forearm once more before letting go. She nodded and pushed back from the table, leaving them behind to have a conversation about her probably. She went upstairs and changed into a pair of jeans and a clean shirt, tucking her knife into her back pocket like she always did.
She remembered when they were here before, and Maria had told her that other kids didn’t walk around armed. If she were here now, she’d probably insist that Ellie leave the knife behind, but she was glad Maria didn’t get a say in that. She never went anywhere without it and wasn’t about to start today.
It was getting warmer each day, and she knew she was going to be sweaty walking around in a long-sleeved shirt, but she didn’t have much of a choice. She couldn’t risk anybody seeing her bite, because they’d shoot first and ask questions later.
And that would really piss Joel off.
She pulled her hair back into a ponytail as she walked out of her room, hesitating at the top of the stairs when she realized she could hear their hushed voices coming from the kitchen. She chewed on her cheek and strained her ears, blatantly eavesdropping on their conversation.
“If you let anything happen to her, Tommy, I swear to—”
“Jesus, Ma, relax. You know I’d never let anything happen to that girl.”
“I don’t know what you— did you just call me Ma?”
“Yeah, well, you’re actin’ like her, ain’t ya?”
“Boy, I oughta whoop your ass for that.”
“Well, shit, now you’re soundin’ like Daddy!”
Ellie needed to get down there before their bickering turned into an actual fight. Joel couldn’t possibly walk around with two black eyes, or they might get shunned from the town. She shook her head and stomped down the stairs, making sure they heard her so that their weird brotherly argument could end before she got there.
“Ready to go?” Tommy asked, stepping away from Joel and smiling happily at her.
“Yep,” she said, hoping she sounded more sure of herself than she was.
Joel walked over to her with a smile on his face that she might have believed was real, if it weren’t for the fact that his hands were shaking. In any other situation, she might have poked fun at him for it, called him a worry-wart, and reminded him that she was almost fifteen years old and could take care of herself.
But... she still felt weird about leaving him, too.
“You be safe now, you hear?” he asked, looking at her seriously. “You mind what Tommy says, and don’t go getting into any trouble.” She didn’t trust her voice, so she just nodded. He smiled a little more genuinely at her, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear before squeezing her shoulder. “Alright then.”
He looked like he wanted to hug her, which would be silly and out of character for both of them. They were getting better at hugs, but it still only happened when one of them was upset (typically Ellie). There was no reason for them to hug goodbye when she’d be back in an hour.
He squeezed her shoulder once more before letting his hand drop.
He didn’t hug her, and she pretended not to be disappointed by it.
“Let’s hit the road,” Tommy said, clapping Joel on the back as he walked out of the kitchen. Joel nodded for her to go on, and her throat burned with tears as she turned and followed him out of the house.
She was being a baby again, and she needed to grow up.
She didn’t want Tommy thinking she was weak.
The stables were on the opposite side of town, so they had a bit of a walk to get there. It was a warm, sunny day in Jackson, with a bright blue sky and no clouds in sight. The sun reflected brightly off the shop windows, making the gravel in the streets sparkle. It had rained a lot overnight, leaving the air thick with humidity and smelling strongly of wet grass.
It didn’t take long before she could feel sweat building at the base of her hairline.
She really missed wearing short sleeves.
They were quiet as they turned toward Main Street, except for Tommy, who greeted everyone they passed with a huge smile and a firm handshake. He was very popular in town, she noticed, and everyone seemed to go out of their way to say good morning to him.
It made her wonder if he had always been this friendly, or if it was a Jackson-specific thing.
“So...” Ellie trailed off, looking down at the ground as they walked. She had never spent any time alone with Tommy, and she found herself unsure of what to say now that she was. She just knew that Joel would want her to be polite and make conversation with him. “Do you... like being a dad?”
“I love it,” Tommy said easily, smiling at her.
It was the answer she expected, but it still didn’t make a lot of sense to her. Benji was only a few weeks old, and he couldn’t talk, or laugh, or do anything other than sleep yet. She never really understood why people loved babies so much, or how parents could feel such a strong connection to them right away.
“But he’s so little,” she carefully argued, hoping that it didn’t sound too bitchy. It would be easier if she were talking to Joel, because she never had to filter what she said around him. He always just understood what she meant. “What do you... I mean, like, what do you do together?”
She didn’t doubt that he liked being a dad; she just wasn’t sure what was so lovable about a baby who crapped himself and cried all day.
“Oh, you didn’t hear? He’s actually one of them baby geniuses,” Tommy said seriously, looking over at her with his eyebrows furrowed together. “The doctors think it has something to do with all this mountain air. He’s already helpin’ out with my taxes, doing long division, volunteering for patrol...” His serious expression finally cracked, and she realized he was fucking with her.
“You dick,” Ellie said, glaring at him.
He tipped his head back as he cackled.
Ellie had to try very hard to keep her hardened expression.
“It’s mostly just a feelin’,” he said, still laughing at his own joke but trying to give her an honest answer. “I know we ain’t out playin’ ball or havin’ deep, meaningful conversations yet, but when I hold him it makes me feel... whole in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time,” he continued, talking to her like they were old friends. “Kinda like I’d burn the whole world down just to keep him safe.”
Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, avoiding his eyes when he looked over at her.
His words weren’t lost on her.
He was saying he would take down an entire hospital full of people to keep Benji alive.
“So you just... hold him,” Ellie said, ignoring the part about burning the world down. She wasn’t ready to talk about what Joel did to the fireflies, especially not with somebody she hardly knew.
“Yeah, and I’m still getting used to it, let me tell you.” Tommy laughed in that easy way of his.
“Did you hold Sarah a lot when she was a baby?” she asked before she could think better of it. And, just... fuck. She had no idea why she said that out loud. He wasn’t going to talk about Sarah with her, the same way Joel wasn’t.
She knew the topic was off-limits, and she was fucking stupid for bringing it up.
But to her surprise, Tommy turned to her with a pained smile on his face.
“Not enough,” he answered regrettably. “I thought I did, back then. Joel was working three jobs, and I was still in high school, so I got stuck watchin’ her a lot. And sometimes, I felt like there were better things I could be doin’ with my time. But looking back now...” He whistled, shaking his head sadly. “Shit, kid, I’d cut off my right arm just to spend five minutes with that sweet baby.”
“Oh,” Ellie said quietly, unsure of what to say to that. It was much heavier than she expected. They walked in silence for a few moments, and she forced herself to swallow, even though her throat felt a little tighter than it should. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I know you don’t want to talk about her with me.”
“Nah, honey, that’s alright,” Tommy said, smiling at her as they rounded a corner. “I like talking about her.”
“You do?” She looked over at him in surprise.
“Yeah.” He nodded his head, sure of his words. “I like thinkin’ about the good times, you know? Like holdin’ her as a baby, or watchin’ her learn how to ride a bike. Her first steps, her first words. Shit like that. It helps... keep her alive in my head. It’s real easy to forget about all the little things if you ain’t talkin’ about ‘em.”
“Oh,” Ellie said, because apparently it was the only word she knew. “Joel... doesn’t like to talk about her.”
“Yeah, I know.” Tommy sighed, nodding his head. “But I reckon it’s different for him. It’s hard for him to remember the good stuff without thinking about the bad. And, I get it, really. I still think about the bad parts, too. But there are a lotta years full of really nice memories that all happened before the bad shit, you know? And I don’t want to forget about them.”
“You spent a lot of time with them,” she said, more of a statement than a question.
Tommy smiled sadly at her, quietly repeating his words from before. “Not enough.”
It sent a wave of grief over her chest for somebody that she would never meet. She knew Tommy had spent a lot of time with them because Joel had told her as much, but hearing his quiet answer of not enough suddenly had tears burning her eyes that were hard to explain.
She didn’t know Sarah, but she was still sad that she was gone.
Ellie cleared her throat, needing to change the subject before she did something stupid, like start crying. “Is Maria mad at me?”
“Maria?” Tommy looked over at her with his eyebrows raised. “Now, why would you think that?”
“Because I yelled at her,” Ellie mumbled, looking down at the ground as they walked.
“Nah, honey, she ain’t mad,” Tommy said, chuckling softly and calling her that affectionate name again. It was weird, and oddly comforting at the same time. She didn’t think they knew each other well enough for pet names, but maybe it was just a Miller thing. “It takes a lot more than a little yelling to get a woman like Maria mad.”
She couldn’t imagine that, because everything pissed her off.
“You and Joel sound a lot alike,” she said, trying to change the subject again.
“I’m gonna go ahead and pretend you mean that in a flattering way.” Tommy laughed, looking over at her.
“I do!” Ellie found herself laughing with him.
“Yeah, alright,” Tommy huffed, still chuckling at her. “I reckon we do sound alike. Same mama, same daddy... grew up in the same place ‘round the same people. Same schools, same jobs, same everything. We are a product of our environment, as the saying goes. If you had been in Texas back in the day, you would have talked like us, too.”
“Weird,” Ellie said, for lack of anything better.
They fell into a comfortable silence as they turned into an alley that would take them to the stables. She remembered this path from the last time they were here, when Tommy and Maria had shown them around town. The sheep pen that she had pointed out to Joel with a sarcastic baa was just up ahead, and she smiled at the memory.
“Do you like having a brother?” she asked, before realizing how stupid it sounded.
Of course he liked having a brother.
They were family—real family—that had risked everything for each other. They grew up together, survived together, and still clearly enjoyed each other’s company, even after all these years. They made each other laugh in that effortless way that could only come from knowing somebody a long time.
She was sort of jealous that he could make Joel laugh easier than she could, but she would never admit that out loud. She was expecting Tommy to laugh at her for asking such a stupid question, but just like before, he surprised her when he grinned and answered candidly. “Didn’t always.”
“No shit?” She laughed, eyebrows high on her head.
“Joel can be a real pain in the ass.” He chuckled, playfully nudging her shoulder with his. “But I reckon you know that better than most, huh?”
She huffed quietly. “I guess I do.”
“But in all seriousness, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way,” Tommy said, giving her an honest answer after his funny one, just like he had with her question about Benji. “He’s older than me, so he’s always just… been there. I don’t know a world that doesn’t have Joel Miller in it, and I don’t particularly want to find out what that looks like.”
It was weird to have an adult be so open and honest with her, because all the adults she knew had always been dismissive and treated her like a dumb kid. Even Joel had treated her that way at first; he had kept her at an arm's length and didn’t reveal anything about himself until they had been together for a while.
It had taken weeks on the road before she had even gotten him to laugh.
But unlike Joel, Tommy seemed much more open to talking about things with her from the start.
She wondered if that was why he was so popular around town.
They finally made it to the stables, and she stopped outside the sheep pen to watch them eat their breakfast. There was a woman in the pen with them, scattering food from a burlap sack and scolding the sheep for climbing over each other to get to it.
The woman waved at Tommy, and he waved back.
They stood there watching the sheep for a moment before Tommy spoke up.
“There was this one time, growin’ up, when a bunch of kids were on my case about somethin’ or other. Real dumb shit, you know? We were all just a bunch of kids, and kids are assholes to each other. I couldn’t have been more than... nine? Maybe ten? Which means Joel woulda been fourteen or fifteen.” Tommy folded his arms against the steel fence as he recalled his story. “Anyway, he found me cryin’ about it one day, and, boy, let me tell you, that fucker didn’t waste any time.”
“What did he do?” Ellie asked, hanging on to every word.
She was desperate to know what Joel was like at her age.
“He cut school the next day and snuck over to my elementary school during recess. He found those kids that were fuckin’ with me, and had all three of them sons’a’bitches pushed up against a wall, pissin’ all over themselves and cryin’ out for their mamas.” Tommy chuckled at the memory, looking over at her.
Ellie’s jaw dropped. “No fucking way.”
“I swear it.” Tommy laughed, shaking his head. “And I’ll tell you this, they never fucked with me again. ‘Cause that’s what Joel does, right? He protects the people he loves, whether they’re right or wrong. I was a little shithead back then, so I’m sure whatever those boys were doing to me, I had it comin’, but Joel didn’t care about any of that. All he knew was that somebody was hurting me, and he couldn’t allow that to happen.”
Ellie swallowed roughly, letting his words wash over her.
“And it’s been that way my whole life,” Tommy continued, turning toward her. “Protecting people he loves is what he does best, even if it’s not always for the right reasons. Nothing else matters to him. Even if... keeping us safe isn’t always what we want, he’s still gonna do it. You understand?”
“Yes,” she whispered, because she did.
“It was funny when we were kids,” Tommy went on, smiling softly at her. “But it ain’t always funny as an adult. I know why he does the things he does, but sometimes it’s overwhelming to have someone love you that much. Sometimes it can seem like… too much. Like all you’ll ever do is disappoint them.”
Ellie wasn’t sure if she was breathing.
It was like Tommy was reading her diary out loud.
He was quiet for a moment before finishing his speech.
“At the end of the day… I know it’s a privilege to be loved by someone like Joel, and it’s one that I’ve taken for granted too many times in my life because he’s my brother. There ain’t a lot of people left in this world that can love you like he can, you know? So I don’t plan on ever taking it for granted again.”
Ellie felt like her legs were going to give out, so she tightened her hold on the guardrail in front of her. His words were hitting her like a ton of bricks. They were heavy and full of intent, and it was weird to hear somebody say it out loud when those feelings had only ever existed in her head before.
It was both comforting and unnerving to be around somebody who understood Joel like she did.
The possessive part of her didn’t like it, because she enjoyed being the only person he trusted. She thrived on being his number one ally and teammate. She was proud that she knew him better than anyone else did. She liked that he was this big, scary dude that everyone was intimidated by, but around her, he got soft and sweet.
He made her laugh, and picked movies for her, and put raisins in her oatmeal just because he thought she’d like it. He called her baby, and held her when she cried, and didn’t yell at her for punching him in the face and leaving him with the biggest black eye she’d ever seen.
She liked that everyone wildly misunderstood him... but she got to understand him.
But the other part of her, the part that was scared of losing him or fucking things up, was glad that Tommy was there. She was happy that she wouldn’t have to face everything alone. It was nice to know that she’d never have to feel as hopeless and scared as she did in that basement in Colorado.
Tommy knew what she was going through better than anybody else, and he could offer her Joel Advice in a way that nobody else could.
Because nobody else knew him like they did.
It was reassuring to know that she had someone else in her corner in case things ever got too fucked up.
Tommy looked over at her with a soft expression and asked, “You get what I’m sayin’ here, kid?”
“Yeah,” she choked out, because... she did get it.
She knew exactly what he was saying and why he was saying it to her.
She may not ever fully agree with what Joel did in Salt Lake City, but she knew that he did it out of love. The fireflies were going to kill her, and he saved her life. Just like she was willing to kill every single one of those motherfuckers in Colorado that wanted to kill him, because his life was more important to her than anything else.
She thought back to one of their first moments together, when he killed that FEDRA guard with his bare hands just because he threatened her. Joel hadn’t even known her then, and he was already protecting her with his life.
The same way he had protected Tommy in the school yard all those years ago.
It really could be that simple.
Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, hoping her voice sounded normal when she asked, “Did you... ever find out what he said to them? Those kids at your school?”
“Nah.” Tommy shook his head, laughing as he pushed off the sheep pen. “He probably just said what any other normal, well-adjusted teenager would say in that moment,” he trailed off, trying and failing to contain his smirk. “You know, something cute like... I’ll bash your fuckin’ skulls in and deliver your brains to your parents' door if you ever so much as look at my baby brother again.”
Ellie couldn’t help but giggle. “Yeah, that sounds like Joel.”
“He has a way with words, doesn’t he?” Tommy joked, laughing with her. “A real wordsmith.”
“Yeah, he should write poetry.”
“Or Christmas cards.”
“Maybe even children’s books,” Ellie offered, which made Tommy laugh even harder.
She decided at that moment that hanging out with Tommy wasn’t so bad after all.
They spent the next few hours walking around the various stables and animal pens, talking to people, and learning the names of all the animals. Tommy showed her where their patrol roster was posted, which listed who was partnered with whom, the horses they took, and the schedule for the rest of the week.
She noticed that Tommy’s name was on there a lot, and hoped she’d be able to go on patrol one day.
There were several people around, working with the animals, feeding them, grooming them, or talking gently to them. She wouldn’t be able to remember everybody’s name, but Tommy happily introduced her to them all as “my brother’s kid, Ellie,” and she never once corrected him.
The last time someone thought Joel was her dad, they were in Kansas City with Henry and Sam, and she hadn’t even hesitated to correct them. “He’s not my dad,” she had barked at them, at the same time as Joel said, “She ain’t my kid.”
But now... it was nice to pretend she was part of the family.
It was fun to pretend that she was hanging out with her Uncle Tommy, even if she knew deep down that wasn’t what this was. She knew it was just easier for Tommy to explain his relationship to her if he worded it the way he did, but it still made a feeling of warmth wash over her every time he said it.
They were currently in one of the horse stalls, untacking a horse that had just been returned to the stables. The horse they were working on was a beautiful chestnut mare named Loretta Lynn, and Tommy asked her if she knew who that was. When she rolled her eyes and replied, “You know I don’t know who Loretta Lynn is,” Tommy had clutched his chest dramatically and said, “Christ, I’m fuckin’ old.”
He was funny, even if he sometimes tried a little too hard.
Ellie hadn’t been around a horse since Callus, and the longer she spent carefully unbuckling all the straps on the saddle, the quieter she got. Her fingers were working on muscle memory, trying hard not to remember the last time she had seen him alive.
He was a really sweet horse and didn’t deserve to go out the way he did.
“Hey, Tommy?” Ellie asked quietly, running her hand gently over Loretta’s nose.
“Yeah, sweetheart?” Tommy replied easily, lifting the heavy saddle off Loretta’s back and hanging it over the edge of her stall. Ellie looked over at him for a second before turning back to the horse, running her fingers through her long mane, and fighting back the tears that had suddenly built in her throat.
“I’m really sorry about Callus,” she finally said, her voice no more than a whisper. Tommy was quiet for a moment, and when she looked over at him, she realized it was because he had no idea what she was talking about. “Your horse,” she choked out, her voice squeaky. “We named him Callus, and he... well. He was a really good boy, and I’m... really sorry I got him killed.”
“Oh, Ellie,” Tommy said sadly, shaking his head and frowning at her. “You don’t gotta apologize for that.”
“It was my fault. I should have known better than to—”
“Hey,” Tommy cut her off, shaking his head again. “I’m just glad you’re alright, darlin’. That’s all that matters to me.”
She didn’t know how he could say that, considering she wasn’t technically anything to him.
Not really, at least.
He could lie and tell everyone here that she was his brother’s kid, but that didn’t actually make him her uncle.
She wasn’t actually his niece.
She wasn’t anything at all to him, other than the girl who got his horse killed, and he should hate her for it. He should hate her for all the things she had done to him. She had stolen his brother away and almost gotten them both killed. She had yelled at his wife and ruined the day he got to introduce them to his son.
There were plenty of things he should hate her for.
But for some reason, he didn’t seem to hate her at all.
“I punched Joel in the face,” she said bluntly, not looking away from him.
“Yeah… I put that together,” Tommy said quietly, motioning at his forehead before nodding at where bandages still held hers together. Her cheeks heated with embarrassment when she realized he had known this whole time. “I wasn’t going to point it out, though.”
“I— I didn’t mean to,” she said dumbly.
“I’m sure you didn’t,” Tommy assured her.
“I would never just...” punch Joel. “I was dreaming, and I didn’t know it was him. I thought I was fighting—” she paused, the name David stuck somewhere in the back of her throat. She shook her head, trying to get her words working again. “I— I just didn’t know it was him. I don’t even remember doing it. I wouldn’t have done it if I were awake.”
“I know,” Tommy said comfortingly, reaching out to pet the horse instead of touching her. “I believe you.”
Ellie let out a pathetic whimper. “You do?”
“Of course,” Tommy said as if it were the easiest thing in the world.
“But... why?” Ellie asked, her eyes burning with unshed tears. “You don’t even know me.”
“Because I know my brother,” he said confidently, watching his hand smooth over Loretta’s back for a moment before looking over at her. “And because... I can see how much you care about him, and I know y’all went through hell and back trying to get here. I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.”
“But I did hurt him,” Ellie said, tears blurring her vision. “I hurt him really bad.”
“Nah, he can take it,” Tommy said confidently, shaking his head like it was no big deal. “Hell, I knocked one of his teeth out when I was dreamin’ once, and he still loves me, don’t he?”
Ellie’s jaw slowly ticked open. “No fucking way.”
“Yep.” Tommy let out a breath of disbelief, but nodded his head all the same. “Now, I won’t tell you which one it is, but... one of those teeth in the front of his grill? Yeah, it’s a total fake. He had a big ol’ gap in his smile until the dentist could put in a replacement. Sarah called him Gollum for three weeks straight, and boy, did that piss him off.”
Ellie knew she shouldn’t find it funny because Joel had told her that Tommy suffered from night terrors, too. But suddenly, a million different jokes about dentures raced through her head, and she couldn’t wait to unleash them on him one day when he was least expecting it.
She found herself giggling, which made Tommy start laughing with her. “Hey, Tommy?”
“Yeah, kid?”
“What do you call a bear with no teeth?”
Tommy seemed to think about it for a minute before slowly grinning at her. “A gummy bear?”
“You fucker!” Ellie squealed, which made Tommy tip his head back and laugh. “How the fuck did you know that?”
“This ain’t my first time around the sun, missy,” he said through his laughter. “Why did the snowman go to the dentist?”
“Oh, come on, that’s easy!” Ellie giggled, rolling her eyes at him. “Because he had frostbite.”
***
“Joel! Joel! Joel!” Ellie blasted through their front door, excitement bursting out of her. Joel was sitting on the couch reading a book when she came in, and he startled, dropping it carelessly to the floor as he jumped up at the sound of her yelling.
“Ellie? What happened? Are you okay?” Joel asked, flying around the corner to meet her in the hallway.
“You’ll never guess what I got to do!” she declared, her words flying out at top speed. “I got to meet all the sheep, and the goats, and we even saw one of the chickens laying an egg! It was so fucking gross. It just popped out of her butt like bloop and fell into this little nest of hay underneath it! Have you ever seen a chicken lay an egg? I’m telling you, man, it’s fucking nasty.”
“Jesus Christ, Ellie, you scared me half to death,” Joel muttered, shaking his head as relief washed over him. “I thought you were hurt or somethin’.”
Ignoring him, Ellie continued talking.
“And then we went into the stables and I got to untack a horse that just came back from patrol! I think Tommy was impressed that I knew where all the buckles were, but you taught me how to do all that with Callus, remember? So then I brushed her, and fed her, and gave her water, and— wait, do you know who Loretta Lynn is? That’s the horse’s name, and Tommy was acting like a real ass because I didn’t know who she was, and—”
“Slow down, kiddo,” Joel said, laughing gently at her as he steered her into the kitchen.
“Did you know that Tommy was funny?”
“Christ, don’t let him hear you say that,” Joel winced, sitting her down on a kitchen chair and chuckling at her. “His head will get so damn big he won’t be able to fit through the door.”
“He knows shitty puns, dude! Fuck, I wish I still had my books. It’s hard to remember them all, but I bet there were some in there that he wouldn’t have known yet,” she said, frowning a bit when she remembered she’d never see her books again. “Did you know he goes on patrol, like, all the time? He’s going out again tomorrow morning!”
“Is that right?” Joel mused, opening the fridge and taking out a plate covered with plastic wrap. Her eyes lit up when she realized it was a sandwich, and she made grabby hands for it as her stomach rumbled loudly. “You worked up quite an appetite, I see,” he said, sounding very pleased with himself as he peeled off the wrap and handed it over.
Ellie didn’t hesitate to pick up the sandwich and take a giant, messy bite out of the middle.
“Fuck, this is good,” she said around a mouthful of lettuce and tomato. If he hadn’t been so pleased by her appetite returning, he probably would have told her off for talking with her mouth full. “Oh! One of the—” she took another bite “—mama sheep had a bunch of babies! They’re Benji-sized and scream a lot.”
“I reckon Benji screams a lot, too.” Joel chuckled, sitting down next to her.
“Can I show them to you tomorrow?” she asked hopefully, mayonnaise smeared across her chin from how fast she was eating. He laughed and reached behind him, snatching the kitchen towel off the counter and handing it to her. She halfheartedly wiped at her chin before saying, “Please, please, please?”
“Of course, kiddo,” Joel said fondly. “There ain’t nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Notes:
uncle motherfuckin' tommy has finally entered the chat! i've had this chapter in the back of my mind since before i even started the story, and i'm so pleased with how it turned out. it might be my favorite chapter so far. i think the relationship between ellie and tommy is so important (in every universe), and i'm so excited to start exploring it now! i would die for uncle tommy, and so would she.
i really hope you enjoyed it! let me know your favorite parts in the comments =)
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