Chapter Text
“Alex, you can’t just throw everything away for a random one night stand you did six years ago.”
“It wasn’t a one night stand. We dated for three months when we were seniors.”
“In high school.”
“Zahra, I have a daughter.”
“Alex, you’re being ridiculous."
Alex tries to give her the begging eyes. “Come on, Zahra.”
“You’re telling me you want to ditch your world wide tour that was announced yesterday, disappoint your loyal fans, just for the sake of meeting a girl you dated six years ago?
“I’m considering postponing my tour because I want to meet my daughter,” Alex explains. It doesn’t make that big vein that's nearly popping on Zahra’s forehead any smaller. “I talked with Nora and the others. They really don’t mind taking a few days off. Besides, the tour doesn’t officially start till months from now.”
“I swear, kid, you’re gonna be the death of me.”
“What if someone told you that you had a child, Z?” Alex shoots, it’s an exaggeration, but it’s a long shot. Zahra frowns. It’s a bad hypothesis. “I can’t just ignore the fact that I have a daughter.”
“Then you’re being plain stupid, Alex. Do you know how many fake pregnancies you get, with a random girl saying they are carrying your love child, on a daily basis?”
“Then we’ll get a DNA test, Zahra. Look, I know Olivia. She’s not some crazy fan. We go way back. Besides, she could have told me six years ago and got all the money in the world. She could have called me any day since, but she never did.”
“Maybe she’s in desperate need of money, realized you two used to date and since you're all rich and famous, this is a good way of getting it.”
“You have to approve any purchase I make that’s over 500$, you know that,” Alex says. “You can change that to 1 dollar. I don’t care. Just let me go there, for a couple of days. I’m pretty sure I can tell if she’s faking it or not.”
“Hm,” there’s still a suspicious frown on her face, clicking her ballpoint pen restlessly. “And if I’m right, we’ll fly back straightaway. No excuses.”
“And if I’m right, that she’s my daughter, I decide when we come back.”
Zahra’s frown deepens. Alex knows that look. She doesn’t like this idea. He knows Zahra better than that. But he also knows she’s pretty sure that this is just one of his old girlfriends needing money to fake a pregnancy. “This is my choice, Z. You’ve always supported me, and all my crazy ideas.”
“This isn’t about putting a giant cactus into your performance and having people spectate your sexuality, Alex. This is serious. I can’t have you throw all of your hard work away.”
In other words, Zahra doesn’t want Alex to become a father and sacrifice his long build career for a high school fling that led to an accidental pregnancy. He knows that’s the real reason she’s protesting this.
She lets out a deep sigh. “Look. If she didn’t want you to know about the child six years ago, why would she think you’d be ready now? She knows you're a famous lead singer in a very popular band. She must know you’re not exactly father material, unless she has a secret agenda. They all do, Alex. I know from experience.”
“I’m just going to meet her, Z,” he protests. “I’m not deciding anything. I’m not throwing anything away. I know I’m not father material. But if there’s a chance that there’s a girl out there, who’s my child, I want to meet her.”
Zahra shakes her head with disapproval, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what she thinks about this. She's thinking this rationally, only thinking this reputation-wise, money wise. It wouldn’t be good for Alex’s heartthrob reputation if people suddenly found out he’s a father.
It could totally plummet his music career.
But Alex has a gut feeling about this. He remembers Olivia. He remembers how much he loved her, how heartbroken he was having to choose music over her. She could have called him after their breakup, asking for money for the child. She could have let him know any day after they broke up that she was pregnant. If she really wanted money out of Alex, Olivia would have done it already. She wouldn’t have waited all these years to tell him.
“Fine. A weekend. That’s all.”
“Yes! Thank you, Zahra, thank you, thank you!”
“But don’t be mad when I tell you I told you so.”
“Don’t you be surprised when you’re gonna realize how wrong you are.”
Alex has nerves of steel. He’s always been able to control his feelings, especially when he’s in front of tens of thousands of people. He knows what to do in front of a crowd, how to put all of his nervousness into a box, hidden away. He remembers sitting in a hall full of people when the band got their first ever Grammy nomination. He controlled that anxiety then, he can do it now too.
All of it seems to have led to this very moment. One call that changed his life, and now he’s on his private plane to London with one hastily packed cabin bag. Zahra probably has a bigger emergency packed bag with her, like this is one of his tours.
Alex is used to travelling. Over the years of travelling only by private plane, it’s like a second home to him. Except this time, he finds his hands shaking when the plane lifts off, a nervous churning in the pit of his stomach.
Zahra offers him a wide selection of snacks and drinks, but he knows he can’t keep anything down. She starts explaining everything she has planned for this trip, how she is fully convinced they will be flying back by the end of tomorrow. Alex completely gets why she thinks this way – he was only eighteen when he got scouted for the band. She has been his protector almost six years, sometimes it feels like Zahra is his second mom. So of course she’s only doing this to protect him and his well-known career. In any normal situation, Alex would also have doubts. He’s had countless fake letters and messages sent to him by fans claiming to be pregnant with his child. From the start, Zahra drew a strict line of never hooking up with fans. So one night stands were as far as he ever went with people, because no one wanted to date Alex for more than a week when they realized the endless NDA’s they needed to sign, the attention from fans and stalking paparazzis.
Nobody ever cared enough to stick around all that mess, which fair enough, Alex understands. He never had the need to be with someone, he had his band. His bandmates were what he needed, molding into a tight family over the course of years. They knew everything about each other. There were no secrets. He knows about Nora’s secret girlfriend that she protects from the media hustle. He knows about Hunter’s addiction to gambling. He knows about Miles’s affair with the soundboard mixer in last tour. They all know about Alex’s sexuality crisis when he realized he was bi.
So if there was a small chance he and his ex-girlfriend created something out of their messy teenage relationship, this was it.
He knows why Zahra tried to stop him, he knows why he begged her not to tell his family. His family has been more than understanding when his fame skyrocketed overnight when he was barely eighteen, when his success grew worldwide, when his family had to move to another state because people found out their address. There’s a reason he has kept his family and friends private, because the nasty people will stop at nothing to find out his dirtiest, filthiest secrets. This is one of them. If somebody ever finds out that he has a daughter from one of his old high school flings, hell would go loose.
Zahra has been working for years to market and mold Alex into the rockstar he is. She doesn’t want all of it to go to waste. He’s always been the handsome, irresistible guy for everyone to dream about being with. The one everyone wants, adores, because he’s so ethereal, so out of reach. He’s the easy crush, the easily lovable guy because of his natural charisma.
Zahra is afraid all of that will go to the drain if the public finds out he has a daughter. He sees the trash magazine headlines, the rumours that will spread like wild fire. The exaggerated lies about him abandoning his daughter, how everyone will hate him because he chose music over his daughter.
Alex shakes his head. He’s always been an overthinker, he overanalyzes everything and sometimes it feels like there’s a thousand thoughts at once going through his head. But his therapist has helped him to control those thoughts, how to keep them at bay. He cannot be thinking about the possible consequences, even Alex knows they’re coming, because the more he thinks about the absolute worst case happening, the more stressed he becomes.
This last year already has been stressful for him because they’re in huge demand to publish a new album, Zahra pushes them on another tiring world tour, and the press is heavily on them waiting for the next big scandal. And this is one hell of a scandal waiting to see the sunlight.
So he’s doing this for the sake of his family, not sure if they’ll completely understand when he tells them. Hell, he isn’t sure if he’s completely comprehended it himself. Just less than twenty-four hours ago, he had no clue that across the world, there was a small five-year-old girl who didn’t know his father existed.
They land in Heathrow’s VIP entrance. Alex knows this whole procedure like the back of his hand. Walking out the VIP security with his black hoodie and sunglasses, through small hallways to avoid any cameras, pushed to the SUV car with dimmed windows, staring out to the busy streets with people who have no idea he’s driving past them.
His hands restlessly drum on his knees. He’s faced a lot worse than this, but he’s meeting his daughter. Zahra keeps telling him that this will be nothing but a quick visit, but Alex can’t explain the feeling in his chest that this is real. He wants this to be real.
Which is a funny thought, because never in a million years Alex would have wanted to be a father, at least not like this. He saw himself becoming a father after ten or more years, when he’d “retire” being in the band, occasionally doing a concert or two, but mainly focusing on his family. Not fathering a daughter with his old flame from high school, missing five years of her life.
The SUV car curves around a small road, past the town city sign. Part of Alex is relieved this is a small town outside the hectic London, so there’ll be less cameras. Zahra did her research on the town, and it only has over 2,000 residents. It’s two hours from London, there’s no big towers or crowded subways. It's an idyllic small town with loving people and simplicity. Something Alex misses, something he craves, after years of nonstop publicity. Maybe part of him wants to believe this because he’s in desperate need of a break from all the touring.
The sun is brighter than it should be, at least compared all the other times he’s been in England. He stares out the window, struck by how strange it’s to be here. It’s not for work, which is a strange thought, because all he ever traveled was work. He looks to the row of small houses, to the brown fences, in what by all measures is a fairly standard British suburb.
New York is a whole different world compared to this.
“You don’t need to do this,” Zahra says when the car parks on the street, in front of a red-bricked house with a white-picked fence. She has a thoughtful look on her face with a phone in her hand. She’s ready to make that call to have his private plane ready to fly back any minute. “It’s not too late to change your mind.”
“I need to do this,” Alex assures, trying to convince himself.
“Fair enough.”
His chest suddenly feels tight, so he inhales, and exhales. He does it a couple times before he leaps out of the car. Alex looks up to the suddenly darkening sky, the sunlight gone from the sky, starting to gather pitch black clouds. So much for the bright, sunny weather.
He drags his feet toward the house. Each step feels longer than the other. He stares at the door, the wooden flower carvings in it, the way this door represents his past and future. One simple door that has the power to change the trajectory of Alex’s life.
Alex skips the porch stairs. He turns around to give Zahra a sign to give him some space, so she backs up to the car.
Alex turns back to the door, lifting his hand, knocking at the door. It feels like his heart is beating out of his chest, cold sweat dripping down his spine, his stomach in knots.
This is it. This is the moment. Life-changing moment, and there’s no going back. He’ll meet his daughter for the first time, and everything will change.
The creaky door opens.
It’s... not Olivia. He knows this isn’t the girl he remembers from high school, because it’s not a girl at all. Instead, it’s a blonde man with a sharp jaw, plump pink lips, face unreadable.
He’s in a light blue sweater vest, holding a book. He tips his head sideways with a curious smile. His ocean blue eyes measure Alex up and down, taking in the sight in front of him, before his bright eyes flick to Alex. The unsteady beat of his heart fastens when the man holds eye contact with him.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” Alex replies back, instantly, awkwardly. Olivia never mentioned her having a boyfriend or a husband. Maybe her husband doesn’t have a clue what has happened, or maybe he was the one to suggest this situation.
“Who are you?”
“Who are you?” the blonde man shoots back with inquisitive eyes. It causes a stiff laugh to come from Alex’s lungs. Either he’s really good at pretending, or he’s lived under a rock all of his life. Alex knows his band’s reputation has spread all over the world, even to a small town in the outskirts of London.
“You don’t know me?”
“Should I?” the blonde man tuts, with a feisty tone. He places one of his hands on his hips, taking another, longer look at Alex from head to toe. He doesn’t know why his cheeks get flustered, when the man unashamedly checks Alex out.
“I’m... Alex. Alex Claremont-Diaz.” It feels strange to say his full name outloud, because he shortened it for his artist name. The man narrows his eyes suspiciously, biting his lip. “Olivia’s friend.”
“Oh,” he gasps after a minute, nodding his head. “You’re the Alex.”
“Yeah. That’s me, I guess.”
“You looked different in the photos,” the man continues, taking a curious step back, crossing his arms with the book in his hand. “You had longer hair in them.”
For a second Alex thought he recognized him, but the only time he had longer hair was when he was in high school. If this is the game this guy wants to play, so be it. “I was eighteen,” Alex mumbles. He wonders what pictures Olivia showed him, and why he’s pretending he doesn’t recognize Alex. “Had to rebel against my parents in some way.”
“I suppose.”
“Um.. no offence, but is Olivia here?”
“No.”
“I know I’m a bit late, but I send her a message thirty minutes ago –”
“She doesn’t live here.”
“What?”
The man lifts his hand up with the book, pointing behind him. “Olivia Garcia lives in the house on the other side of the street.”
Oh fucking course Alex accidentally knocked on some random guy’s house instead of Olivia’s. He tries to hide his embarrassment by keeping a cool face.
“Oh.” He scratches the back of his head. The blonde man gives him a puzzled look. Alex doesn’t understand why he has the urge to make the blonde man admit he knows Alex. It’s infuriating how he’s pretending not to know who he is. Does he think he’s better than everyone else, because he doesn’t go totally crazy in front of someone like Alex? Alex expected some reaction, small shy smile, cheeks pinkening, eyes sparking with starstruck. But.. nothing.
The man’s mouth tugs into an unusually presumptuous smile. “You must be nervous.”
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to bump into your house. I had a pretty long flight, and all the houses look the same.”
“Not to mention you’re meeting your daughter for the first time.”
“So you know Olivia?”
“We’ve known each other nearly four years now.”
“Oh. Okay,” Alex nods. “And you are..?”
The man’s mouth wrinkles up with a dashing smile, pressing the book against his vest. “Henry Fox.”
“She never mentioned you,” Alex says before he can stop his mouth. Henry doesn’t look mad, rather, there’s an amused smile on his face.
“She didn’t, huh?” he shrugs nonchalantly, casually smacking his lips. “Well, I suppose that’s to be expected, knowing you two didn’t exactly keep in touch over the years.”
That’s uncalled for. This fucking man is getting on his nerves. Who has the audacity to talk like that to a worldwide rockstar, anyway? “Well, yeah,” Alex replies, trying to keep cool and resist the urge to punch Henry to the face. “Kinda lost touch after high school.”
“Tends to happen.”
Alex’s hand goes into a fist, clenching his teeth together. “So, is she home?”
“Yeah. She’s been a nervous wreck the entire day.”
“I bet.”
“It’s gonna go fine,” Henry says, suddenly with a caring tone that takes Alex off guard.
“Really?” Alex asks, surprised with the change of attitude. He tilts a bit back, giving Alex a reassuring smile.
“You’ve been given the chance of a lifetime. Not many people can have that,” he answers.
“I guess you’re right,” Alex says, casting a look over his shoulder. The suburban white house, an exact copy of Henry’s, suddenly feels miles away from him. “Better get going, then, before I get cold feet and run away.”
“You’re not going to run away, Alex,” Henry says, causing Alex to bounce his head back to him. “You thought my house was where your daughter lived, yet you knocked here anyway.”
“Huh,” Alex responds, mostly to himself. Henry does have a point. He didn’t run away when knocking on his house, but there’s still fear lingering in him that this was a big mistake.
“Alex,” Zahra calls from the porch steps, waving her perfectly manicured hand and tapping on her watch. “We’re on a very tight schedule here.”
“Right. Okay.” He skips the steps down, but takes a look back. Henry is standing by the doorway, leaning against it with interested eyes. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
“I guess you will,” Henry says with a neutral face, turns around and shuts the door close. So much for the small town hospitality.
His mind is circling around Henry when he marches across the street. Why was he acting like he didn’t know who Alex was, or was he doing that simply to piss him off? Alex didn’t mind when people went crazy when they met him, or the long stares he got wherever he went. He just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that this Henry treated him like.. Alex was a normal person in the world.
Zahra taps his shoulder, getting his thoughts back to reality. He’s now on the right door, Zahra ensured that from the mailbox, and he isn’t a nervous mess he was moments ago. All that build up stress and anticipation seemed to break when meeting Henry.
Now.. well, he’s just going to meet his daughter.
No biggie.
Alex knocks on the door. He hears a children’s voice, a female voice shouting back. He listens as the footsteps approach closer.
The door gets opened. It’s Olivia this time, but not the way he remembers. Her heart-shaped face is thinner, higher cheekbones and her dark hair is in a messy bun. She has got rid of her nose piercing and the purple strikes in her hair. She’s wearing an old, dirty t-shirt with food stains, and her hair looks greasy like she hasn’t washed in days.
“Alex,” Olivia gasps, throwing her arms around him in a matter of seconds. She squeezes him, but Alex just kind of stands there, arms awkwardly by his side. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Me neither, Olivia. It’s good to see you.”
“You cut your hair,” she chuckles, pulling away from the hug.
“You grew your hair.”
Olivia twirls her hand around a curl of hair with a sweet smile. “I really can’t believe you’re here. All grown up.”
“So.. is she..”
“In her room, playing. I thought you might want to settle in first.”
“What have you told her?”
“That an old friend of mine comes to visit us,” she says, gesturing to him to walk inside. “I totally get if you want to settle in so we can –”
“No,” Alex softly interrupts. “I want to see her. Please.”
“Miss Garcia,” Zahra’s voice says behind her.
“Oh. Hello,” she says, looking surprised.
“Z, not right now.”
“Exactly right now,” Zahra persists. She invites herself in, Alex awkwardly following inside. She keeps her hard gaze on Olivia, when she pulls out her iPad. “You contacted us with the information that the father of your child, Emily Garcia, is Alex. Is this correct?”
“Y–yes.”
Zahra pushes the iPad to her. “Sign here, please.”
“What’s this?”
“It’s a NDA contract, and your permission to take a DNA from your daughter,” Zahra explains with a serious face. Olivia turns her head to Alex.
“A what?”
“A non-disclosure agreement, setting restrictions about what happens here and not sharing any confidential information to the media,” Zahra explains, but Olivia looks even more confused.
“Basically that you won’t sell this story to the paparazzi,” Alex mutters.
“Why would I do that?”
“Just sign the contract, miss,” Zahra pushes. “Unless you have something to hide.”
“I don’t. I just – I mean, I kind of get why you want to do this, but it feels a bit much, doesn’t it?”
“Don’t you think it’s rather odd that a girl from his past suddenly reveals he has a daughter he’s never heard of, when he’s a worldwide lead singer in a band?”
“You think I’m doing this for the money?”
Alex groans. “I don’t think that, but Zahra is my manager, so this is pretty much mandatory.”
“Miss Garcia, please. If you don’t sign this, we’ll have to leave.”
Olivia takes the iPad and the pen, signing in. “I just thought you’d want to know about your daughter,” she says, quickly reading and scrolling through the NDA.
“Why would you call him now, then, six years later?”
“Emily has been asking about her dad, and I felt so bad never telling about Alex. I thought he deserved to know. I’m not asking for anything. I never asked him to come here,” Olivia assures. “I’m not forcing or asking him to be her father if Alex doesn’t want to. But I think he deserves to know she exists.”
“Hmm,” Zahra says in deep thought.
“Okay, we’re done with the paperwork. Can I go see her now?”
Olivia nods, her bottom lip trembling. Alex gets her, he really does. They haven’t met in six years, and now Alex is a father to a five-year-old girl. He flew across the ocean to come here. He’s traveled around the world a hundred times, but everything feels brand new. He’s never done anything like this.
Alex hasn’t really thought about having kids, not in this way anyway. He never had a relationship that lasted so long for it to become a topic. He focused on having a successful music career for the next five to ten years, hopefully more. As long as his fans wanted, he was going to play and sing for them. That’s the reason he decided to leave Austin all those years ago, why he chose to move to the big city, growing up to be a star. And now he’s throwing all of that away just to meet his daughter.
Of course Alex is fucking terrified. But he has faced worse things than this, not even batting an eye when he was performing a concert for 70,000 thousand people – but suddenly it feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest when he’s meeting a small, five-year-old girl.
“Okay. Follow me,” Olivia nods her head. Alex follows her upstairs, each step shakier than the other. He tries to get his breath calm. He tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, nervously. Olivia slows down in front of a door with yellow flowers and butterflies, the name ‘Emily’ written on rainbow letters.
Olivia gives Alex a reassuring look when she turns the door knob.
The bedroom is filled with pastel, soft colors. There’s a small bookshelf filled with kids books, kitten patterned bedsheets with a neat line of plushies on her bed, mostly Disney princesses. There’s toys barely around, all of them collected in an open toy chest. In the corner, there’s a pink Barbie dollhouse. Next to it, hunched on her knees, is a girl. Her brown curls fall over her shoulders, in beautiful waves. She’s wearing a yellow overall with Frozen knee socks.
“Emily,” Olivia calls quietly. She turns around with a latino Barbie doll in her hands. Her eyes get fixated on her mother, but Alex can’t tear his eyes off her. Her pinkish, heart shaped cheeks. The bright, brown eyes. The brown freckles under her dark eyelashes. The dent of a dimple when she smiles at Olivia.
Alex freezes, but the ground doesn’t get swept under his feet.
Olivia walks to her, going on her knees and Emily jumps to hug her. Emily giggles when she tightly hugs her and kisses the top of her head.
“Remember when I said an old friend was coming to visit us?” Oliva coos, stroking her velvety curls. Emily slowly raises her head towards Alex. “This is Alex. He’s going to stay here for a while. Say hi, Emily.”
Emily buries her head against Olivia’s chest. “She’s a bit shy to new people,” Olivia tries to give a reassuring smile.
“That’s okay. It’s nice to meet you, Emily,” Alex says, standing by the door until Emily raises her eyes to him. He waves at her, and there’s a small smile on her face. “That’s a very nice dollhouse you have there.”
“She got it from Father Christmas. Didn’t you, honey?” Olivia says, Emily nodding her head.
“You know that if you’re a good girl, Father Christmas gives you nice presents.”
“Yes, mommy,” Emily says in her innocent, graceful voice.
“You want to show your new dolls your granny bought to Alex?” Olivia suggests, pulling away from her.
“Okay,” she says, crawling back to the dollhouse. Olivia gives a nod to Alex, and he has to push himself to walk further into her bedroom. His legs don’t work as fast as they usually do. Alex doesn’t know why it feels so scary. She’s nothing but a sweet, five-year-old girl. It shouldn’t feel this scary to meet a small child. Alex has spent many visits in the children’s hospital.
But when there’s a chance that this little girl, with chubby cheeks and brown curls, is his daughter, it’s a whole lot different.
Suddenly it feels staggeringly real.
He’s spent years training to sing and perform perfectly.
No one prepared him for this.
No one prepared him to be a father.
“Alex,” Zahra coughs by the door, stepping in the bedroom. She has a small plastic bag in her hand, and a sample swab. “Miss Garcia. Would you mind getting Emily?”
“Why?”
Zahra raises the swab. “For the DNA test, miss. We need to be sure.”
“Right. Of course,” Olivia nods, but looks uncomfortable with the thought. She looks over Emily, in her world of imagination playing with the dollhouse. She hesitates for a moment, when she walks to her. “Emily, honey. We’re gonna play a little game now.” She takes Emily into her arms. “This nice lady here needs to do a test. It’s like going to the doctor. You remember how you got a lollipop after going to the doctor?”
Emily looks confused, but not scared. Olivia manages to convince her to open her mouth so Zahra can swipe the swab around her mouth and seals it in a plastic bag.
He’s surprised how well Olivia is handling this. He’s surprised how well he’s handling this.
“Must be different,” Olivia breathes, both of them settling down for the benches near the playground. After getting the DNA sample, Zahra let them have a moment of privacy and they walked to a park just behind her house.
Alex doesn’t know why he was so nervous for this, watching how infectious happiness beams out of Emily when she slides down a playground slide.
“Different?”
“Being here of all places,” Olivia points out. “In such a small town, compared to where you live and the cities you travel to.”
“Oh, right. Yeah, totally. It’s so... quiet.”
“You get used to it. Moving here was honestly one of the best choices I made. How long are you staying?” Alex turns to Olivia. She must see the panic in his face. “I mean, I’m not saying you should stay longer than you want to, Alex. I’m not pressuring you into anything. You know that, right?”
“I know that, Livy.”
“You don’t need to be involved if you don’t want to. I.. well, she’s at that age she’s been asking about her father. I always wanted to tell you, it’s just.. we were so young back then. It was a month after we broke up I did the pregnancy test, and you had just released your first single.” Her eyes drift to Emily, who climbs back up to the slide. “I know it was your dream to become a singer. It was your destiny, who you were meant to be. You were always writing songs and looked so happy when you were performing, even at school. I.. didn’t want you to give up your dream just because we were stupid teenagers.”
Alex gets Olivia, he really does. He can’t tell if he would have given up his music career if Olivia told about Emily five years ago. He can’t imagine the tough choice he would have had to make back then, what would have happened if he chose her. If he chose to be a father instead living his dream.
How different his life would be if he went back for Olivia, like he always planned. He wants to say all those things he planned. The moment he chose music over her, he always planned one day to come back and apologize.
She doesn’t seem angry or bitter about their break-up, they were just teenagers after all, but she was his first love. The reason he wrote his first hit single. He owes her a lot of things, there’s a lot he wants to say, but nothing comes out of his mouth.
Alex doesn’t know why it feels so hard, when he used to overthink this very moment. Maybe they don’t need words. Maybe this – Emily – is the way they can forgive each other and move on.
So, instead of empty promises and weak apologies, Alex decides to change the topic. To one topic that would have never crossed his mind in a million years.
“Met your neighbour earlier,” Alex mutters, trying to change the seriousness of their conversation. “Henry Fox.”
“Oh. How?”
“I accidentally knocked on his door instead of yours.”
Olivia chuckles lightly. “I see. Well, he’s one of my closest friends. He’s helped a lot over the years. Actually, Henry helps with most of the things around the house.”
Alex keeps his eye on Emily, seeing another younger boy climbing the set nearby her. “Right,” he says, absently. “Have you two..?”
“Have we what?”
Alex's eyes look at Olivia. He tries to be suggestive with his eyes. “You know.”
“God, no,” Olivia laughs. “Alex, he’s gay.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
“The very first day we met, he said that the reason he moved here from central London was because of heartache. I guess he had a bad break-up, and he needed a fresh start.”
“We all need that sometimes.”
“Yeah. I could see it in his eyes. He was absolutely heartbroken.”
“So he has a boyfriend now?” The sentence rolls off his mouth before he can stop it. He looks back at Emily, who’s doing a dirt cake on the bottom of the climbing set.
“No,” Olivia replies, and Alex hopes it doesn’t get her interest. Alex wasn’t asking about Henry having a boyfriend because he’s interested in him. Henry was arrogant and rude when they met. There was no possible way he was in any way attracted to him.
“I guess the percentage of gay people is pretty slim here.”
“Yeah.”
Olivia gives him a curious look. He’s seen that look before. It’s the same one Zahra gave when he mentioned that he might be interested in boys. It’s kinder than the look reporters gave him before asking the most invading question about his sexuality. He’s used to seeing everyone judge him because he’s comfortable with his masculinity, so he’s glad she doesn’t look judgemental, just smiles happily at him.
“So,” Alex wants to change the topic. “How’s your life here?”
“It’s really good. I’m happy here.”
“I’m happy to hear that."
“I was also thinking you could drop her off to kindergarten tomorrow.”
Alex coughs up. “Really?”
”Yeah. I’ve got a job interview tomorrow. Besides, it could be good bonding time with Emily. If you started driving her there every morning.”
“If you really think it’s a good idea.”
“Of course it is. I trust you, Alex. She likes you already.”
Alex looks over Emily. The word ‘daughter’ feels absent and out of reach. She seems like a lovely young girl and he would love nothing more than to get closer to her. Olivia doesn’t expect anything out of him, which doesn’t give him any high expectations. Zahra could call him any second to say there has been some misunderstanding and he’s not his daughter.
So what could possibly go wrong with this?
“Are you sure you want me to drop her off at the kindergarten?”
“Yes. She just started going three times a week, so she could get used to being separated," Olivia explains while she combs her hair into a ponytail. “My mom said it’s a good thing, and besides, she really enjoys it. She gets to meet and play with kids her age.”
“I just meant that she barely knows me, and I’m not sure if she’s comfortable.”
“Oh.” Olivia tightens her ponytail. “You were great with her last night. She’s always shy around new people, but she really likes you. I can see it.”
Alex wishes he could tell her the truth. He really likes Emily, but he’s still not sure himself that he’s ready or capable for this. He’s not sure how long it’ll take before it starts to feel normal. He doesn’t exactly feel like a father.
“Sure. If you trust me with taking her.”
“Alex. Come on. I bet you’ve experienced much more nerve-wrecking things than driving a five year-old girl to the kindergarten,” she chuckles, adjusting her shirt. “How do I look?”
“Very nice.”
“Thanks. If I pass this interview, there’s a high chance they’ll hire me as a receptionist at the hospital.”
“What about Emily?”
“That’s another reason for the kindergarten. If I get the job, and that’s a big if, I can leave her there in the morning and pick her up after work. My parents also love to take care of her. Which reminds me, they want to meet you.”
“Shit.”
“Don’t look so scared, Alex. You know them.”
“Yeah, but that was nearly six years ago. I’m pretty sure I know what they’re opinions are on a guy who got their 17 year old daughter pregnant and left her alone to raise her.”
“They’re not like that,” she assures. “Besides, they know that I never told the birth father. They can’t possibly blame you for not being here because you didn’t even know she existed."
“Right.”
“It’ll be fine. I have to get going, or I’ll be late,” Olivia rushes off. She smudges Emily with hugs and kisses, explaining that Alex will take her to the kindergarten. He doesn't feel awkward about this situation, and Emily looks more curious than scared.
He helps her to the car seat, putting on her seatbelt. He sits next to her, since Zahra still refused him to drive himself. Hunter drives them to the school, which ideally would be Alex, but hey at least it’s something. He tries to come up with topics to talk about with Emily, ending up awkwardly asking about her favorite subject.
Since Emily shyly replied back to him before looking out the window, he tries to think about his plans here and how to get closer to her. But Alex has no slightest idea how to be a parental figure to a five-year-old girl.
The drive, fortunately, is short. Emily brightens up when she runs into the school building. The kindergarten is inside the elementary school building, at the far end. The front door is written in children's handwriting, in bright colors. The walls are covered with animal drawings, hand-crafted and wonky Earths hang from the ceiling and paper-machete flowers stand near the lockers.
Alex stops by the hallway when he sees a silhouette of a person talking to a small child. He gently pats the boy’s head before he walks inside the class room. Emily runs to him, and he turns around.
“Teacher Fox!” Emily hollers. Alex’s legs stumble when Henry raises his gaze from Emily to him. Alex tries to hide his surprise.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” Alex says back. They stare at each other a while, Alex rocking back on his heels. He’s changed his outfit into a brown cardigan and black jeans. His blonde hair is combed neatly. He’s holding a box of used crayons in his hands. Henry looks.. effortlessly stylish.
“You’re –” Alex breathes, searching for the right words. “A kindergarten teacher?”
“What gave it away?” Henry laughs softly, doing a tiny twirl.
“I’m here to drop Emily,” Alex says. They both look as she’s hanging her coat to the hanger, and then dashes past them to the classroom.
“Yes, I can see that.” Henry takes a look at him, smiling. Two dots of red appear on his cheeks. Does Alex detect a hint of kindness in his eyes too? “Look, I.. didn’t mean to sound so rude yesterday.”
“That’s – I..” Alex starts, but there’s suddenly something itchy in his throat when Henry glances at him. He’s usually much better at talking to people.
“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” Henry admits.
“I get it. I’m probably the biggest name this town has seen.”
Henry’s eyes narrow, lifting an eyebrow. “Cocky one, aren’t you?”
Alex blushes, his cheeks gaining a color of deep red. He should not be flustered at that, or feel this nervous tick in his heart. Smudged cardigans with crayons stains are not flattering or attractive on anyone. Yet, Alex catches himself soaking in the lines of his face, the rolled up sleeves exposing a hint of skin, the shoulder to waist ratio.
“Anyway,” Henry clears his throat, light blush on his cheeks, head gesturing to his classroom. “I better get started with my class.”
“Right. Yeah, totally.”
Henry hesitates, biting his lip. “It was nice seeing you again, Alex,” he says, gives him a soft smile and walks to his classroom. He leaves the door open, maybe unintentionally.
Alex stares when Henry starts the class, explaining what they’re going to be drawing as the first task for the day. There’s a new beat in his heart and something twisting in his stomach, especially when Henry glances back at Alex when he walks to the chalk board.
His cheeks grow warmer and Alex has to look away. He looks towards the exit, but looks back at the classroom once, seeing Henry leaning down to help a child choose a crayon. He carefully takes a crayon, helping the kid to draw. There’s a warm smile on Henry’s face. The sight is absolutely endearing, and totally doesn’t make Alex feel things at all. Nor the thought that in a couple of hours he’ll be back here to pick up Emily, meeting Henry again.
Alex catches himself smiling when he drives back. He’s not that scared about coming here, about the idea that he has to become a father, that this whole ordeal might do serious damage to his reputation.
Because maybe... coming here wasn't such a bad idea after all.