Till I Turn Blue

by voidsagent

Summary:

-
Something is wrong with John Walker. The team has taken notice, so has he. But he won’t ask for help, someone will have to get it out of him.
-
(Bob helping John get better.)

Chapter 1: One

 

 

———

 

John sat on the couch in the common room, body stiff and worn from the previous morning’s mission. It was long and drawn out, but nothing they hadn’t done before, nothing he couldn’t handle. But whatever HYDRA weapon he had been hit with had him feeling off ever since. The tiny entrance wound in the middle of his chest was barely bigger than a pin prick, yet it hurt like a gunshot wound anytime it was bumped. He remembered the weapon lighting up like a taser, his lungs and ribs lighting up with pain, burning like they were on fire. It was only a few seconds, and if he hadn’t taken a few extra moments to get back to his feet, he doubted anybody else would have noticed. 

He was back on his feet and functioning normally in less than a minute, waving off Yelena and Bucky’s attempts to check him over. He ignored the pain that spread through his chest like wildfire, but at least that had dissipated slightly since returning to the tower. The pain behind his eyes showed up seconds after he was struck, and hadn’t left since. He felt like someone or something was squeezing his head between their hands, pressing and pushing them closer together as hard as they could, like his head could explode right then and there.

Sure, sitting in the dark tower in front a bright blaring tv screen at 3am probably didn’t help, but if he couldn’t sleep he may as well be up. He was barely paying attention to the screen anyways, his head wouldn’t let him. He winced and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head softly and blinking a few times. It helped for only a few seconds, and then the raging sharp pain came creeping back up his neck and into his brain. He shut his eyes and tilted his head back against the top of the couch, willing himself to sleep, even if it wasn’t for long, he needed it.

He wasn’t sure what time he woke up, the rest of the team was already bustling around in the kitchen around him. He only then realized he’d fallen asleep on the couch. He was thankful nobody had woken him up, they knew sleep was hard for him to come by sometimes. It only took a minute or two for the pain in his head to start dully making itself known. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it had been the night before; but still there, still nagging, still leaving him feeling slightly…off? Like his body wasn’t keeping up.

By the afternoon his pain had subsided, but he still just didn’t quite feel like himself. He rarely ever got tired, but he found himself getting almost winded from certain movements. His balance was slightly off. He chalked it up to the bad nights sleep from before. Nobody had noticed any difference in him yet, or if they did they hadn’t said anything, and he wanted to keep it that way.

Dinner time rolled around, John joining the rest of the team as usual. But as he looked around the table, his ears began to ring, and he suddenly wasn’t hungry at all anymore. He was almost…nauseous?

“Walker”, Bucky’s voice came from across the table, the man already eyeing him suspiciously.

“What?”, John spat a little too harsh, not the way he had meant for it to come out at all.

“You ok? You look like you’re in a different universe over there”, Bucky asked, brushing off John’s tone. 

John didn’t know how to answer, because of course he wasn’t fucking ok. He didn’t feel like himself, he felt like he was failing himself, just slowly slowing down until eventually he’d crash from exhaustion. Hell, if he knew what was wrong he’d be a lot happier. He wanted answers, but was too stubborn to ask, he didn’t want to be seen as weak.

“I’m fine”, John said, playing with his fork in front of him; “Just tired, not really hungry.”

Bucky didn’t question any further, and soon the discussion around the table had resumed. John sighed at the attention finally leaving him, well all except for one pair of eyes. Bob was staring at him from two chairs down, his face looked sad and worried, big blue eyes rounder than marbles. John didn’t make direct eye contact. He didn’t want to be seen this way, like he couldn’t handle whatever was going on by himself.

———

 

For a few weeks after, John started to actually feel good again. His hunger was back, he wasn’t nearly as tired as he had been. He’d been sleeping slightly better. He didn’t feel like something inside him was off or would trigger an explosion at any second. He had his energy back.

So he started jogging early in the mornings again. He missed the fresh air outside and the slight mist that filled the air as the sun rose. He kept up the pace for a good three weeks, but the first day of that third week; everything came to a halt. 

John had just stepped out onto the streets of the city, barely even a few feet away from the entrance doors to the Watchtower when that lingering feeling that something was off came back. He noticed the dull sunlight was bothering his eyes, making him squint in discomfort. They stung and felt heavy in his head, aching just enough that he noticed it. 

Still, he shook his head and jogged in place for a moment before taking a deep breath and starting his run. It felt good, easy. His feet kept a steady rhythm as he moved, taking his regular route that he could probably do with his eyes closed by now. The chilly morning air was starting to warm up, soon he’d feel the burn he chased. He turned around a corner when his ears starting ringing faintly again. He was only two blocks away from the tower.

John shook his head, willing himself to focus on his running. His feet. The ground in front of him. 

Then came the stabbing pain behind his eyes again. It caught him off guard. He stumbled a bit, bracing himself up against a brick wall with his right hand so he didn’t fall completely to the ground. The pain grew stronger. He pinched his brow between his fingers and scrunched his eyes together tight.

“Fuck”, He mumbled to himself. 

He shook his head again, forcing himself to keep moving. But his body protested. The ringing in his ears grew louder and the world around him began to spin. He could hear his heart beating way too fast in his chest, his breathing shallow and forced. He stopped at a stoop and sat down, eyes closed and head hung as he gripped at it again. 

He didn’t know if it had been minutes or hours that he sat there. Nobody paid him any attention. He blinked away tears as he looked around, forcing himself to steady his breathing. Forcing himself to stand. He shakily made it to his feet, wobbling and unsteady. Like his balance had just disappeared. He decided he was done for the morning. He walked the rest of the way back to the tower.

———

 

John didn’t socialize when he got back home. He grabbed a bottle of water and almost fled back to his room, locking the door behind him. He rummaged through the bathroom cabinet until he found the extra strength pain pills that had been given to himself, Bucky, Alexei, and Bob. They didn’t take away the pain completely, but they made it so much better. It was manageable, ignorable. John popped open the lid and shoved two in his mouth, drinking the entirety of the water bottle he had grabbed in one breath. He gasped when he finished it, his throat was cold and his head was still searing. 

He started the shower behind him, water almost scorching as he climbed in. He didn’t care. He wanted to feel something else, something to distract him from his pain. He stayed in the shower until his skin was bright red and screaming, begging not to be touched by anymore of the water droplets that stung by that point. 

He climbed out of the shower and dried off, pulling a pair of boxers and grey sweats on. He flopped down on his bed, already feeling exhausted. It was barely lunch time, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He wasn’t hungry again, in fact the thought of putting anything else inside his body made him viciously nauseous. He ran his hand through his damp hair, pressing his palm down towards his scalp in the spot it hurt the most. It relieved a little bit of the pressure. 

John flopped back all the way on his bed, pulling the covers over himself and wincing when his head protested against the sudden position change. It was throbbing. Like a heartbeat between his ears. It was pissing him off. He wondered why his serum wasn’t targeting whatever it was that was going on. He tried to convince himself he was overdoing it the past couple weeks, but he had felt good. Great, amazing even. Now that all sat behind him like a distant light in a tunnel. He groaned and shut his eyes, eyebrows furrowing until his body finally decided to drift off. His brow relaxed, and his breathing softened out. He prayed to himself that the pain would be gone the next day. 

It wasn’t. 

———

 

By the time John woke up it was way past breakfast time. He had slept through the entire afternoon and previous night without knowing it or meaning to. He was surprised none of his teammates had come looking for him or tried to wake him up. Even he knew it was unusual for him to sleep like that. He grabbed the bottle of pain pills on his night stand and shoved two in his mouth again with a swig of water, squeezing his eyes as he swallowed. The pain was slightly more bearable, and with the medicine, should subside even more. 

He needed it to. He couldn’t stop his life or his work. He couldn’t let his team down. So he bottled it up inside, kept it locked away deep down inside himself. He put his best ‘normal’ face on and took a deep breath before slipping out into the hallway. It was already noisy in the common room judging by how quickly and clearly he could hear muffled laughter and people chatting. He had grown fond of the sound, though. It wasn’t so empty and alone now. He just hoped the pills would kick in soon so he could enjoy being with the team.

Yelena looked up first when he walked in.

“Jesus Walker, you look like hell”, She says, her eyes widening slightly.

John just shrugged his shoulders and found himself a spot on the couch, flopping down softly and crossing his arms.

“What happened yesterday? After breakfast nobody saw you all night”, Ava piped up from her spot in a lounger.

“Just worn out. Run got me good yesterday”, John lied. Well, mostly. The run did get him, but not in the way he wanted it to.

Bucky scoffed; “Really? Mr. Super Soldier over there got worn out just by his normal run?”

John only shrugged again; “I guess so. Happens from time to time.”

He waved off any other questions, the team returning to the board game that sat on the coffee table in front of them. John caught Bob staring at him again, like he knew something. Like he knew something was off with John. He sat in his rocker lounger with his eyes glued to John; like he intended to find out the answer.

John didn’t even realize he was blanking out, just staring off into space as he sat on the couch, watching Alexei beat everyone horribly at the game they were playing. His ears didn’t pick up what they were saying, but as the ringing dissipated so he could; he felt himself relaxing. He could laugh along at Yelena’s jokes towards Bucky. Laugh when someone did something against Bob in the game, Ava and Yelena immediately raining down hellfire on whoever had done it. John pulled the blanket off the arm of the couch next to him, pulling it up to his chin and brushing his skin along the corner. It sent heat through his nerves, a comforting feeling against the coldness he’d been feeling lately with all the pain in his head. 

He joined in the next round of the game, his head clear and not throbbing. But the uneasiness still lingered. He tried to ignore it and pushed it back. Nobody noticed anything. He was again, thankful for that. He was engaged and lively the rest of the day. He cooked dinner, helped clean up. Joined in to watch a movie. Only when he climbed into bed that evening did it all come crashing back to him. He pressed an ice pack to his head and shut his eyes. He found himself using breathing techniques to push through. Whatever it was worked. 

When John woke up the next day he looked even worse than before. The bags under his eyes were more prominent than they had ever been. He looked like he had been punched in the eyes. Purple and blue against his slightly paler complexion. Yet his eyes seemed hollow, he looked exhausted; almost frail, almost weak. He hated that. He forced himself into the shower again. Distracting his mind in the only way he knew how; lighting up his body, scorching water against his barely awake skin turning it red hot. Any non super soldier would’ve broken at the feeling, like knives and needles, tapping away at exposed and now angry looking skin on his back. He barely flinched, barely moved. Just sighed. It felt good. It was an escape for him. A moment of clarity where he was finally comfortable.

If only this feeling could last forever, he thought.

———

 

John popped two painkillers in his mouth from where he sat on the jet, swigging it down with some water. He could hear Bucky say they were coming up on the drop zone. He watched Yelena and Ava start putting their parachutes on, but as the hatch opened; John decided against one. He figured nothing could hurt more than the pain he was already in. He wanted the risk, the adrenaline. He was reckless. He stuffed his beret in his pocket, thankful that he didn’t have to wear that painful helmet anymore, grabbed his shield, and headed towards the back of the jet. 

He grunted and hyped himself up with a jostle of his shoulders and head, slipping the shield tightly onto his arm.

“Walker what are you-“

But John didn’t stick around to hear Ava finish. He simply saluted the two agents in front of him with a smirk, and took off towards the exit, jumping out into the clouds below. 

Of course, he fell fast. His super soldier body heavy and traveling quickly, the ground below him growing closer and closer. There was no water for him to land in like there had been the few times Steve had done it; just grassy fields and pebble roads. He shut his eyes as he neared the ground, sighing in a moment of complete freedom and euphoria. He opened them just in time to see the landing spot approaching, so he tucked his body in on itself; preparing for impact. He hit the ground with a thud, tucking and rolling as he did. He laid there for a second and laughed at himself, before heaving himself up off the ground. At least he landed on the grass.

He wiped some of the dust and grass off of him, wincing only slightly as he stood with a groan; his shield being the only thing that helped lessen the impact. Still, he felt crazy alive; the adrenaline pumping through his veins at maximum speed. For once, he didn’t immediately feel the pain in his head, didn’t feel it when he was falling. It was just him and gravity.

The rest of the team began landing around him, Bucky throwing off his parachute and practically stomping over to John.

“What the fuck was that, Walker??”, Bucky practically barked at him.

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?”, Yelena added appearing next to them, her voice stern and a bit angry. 

John just shrugged; “Relax, i’m fine. It was just a bit of fun.”

The pair looked at him like he had three heads.

“Fun?”, Bucky asked; “You call that fun??”

John didn’t answer, just watched Bucky shake his head in disbelief, running a hand down his face and turning to Yelena.

“Right well, now that you’re being reckless you get to pair up with Yelena so she can make sure your dumbass comes out alive and you don’t do anything stupid”, Bucky deadpans, throwing a look that said “I’m sorry” towards Yelena.

Bucky walked away and towards the rest of the group, Yelena eyeing John up and down.

“Put your tiny dick back in your pants, you’re listening to me on this one, got it?”, She pointed her finger in his face, poking his chest once.

John smirked; “Yes ma’am.”

Yelena rolled her eyes as she spun on her heel, heading to rejoin the group; “Let’s go before I change my mind and leave you stranded here.”

———

 

The mission was almost complete, and John could feel the painkillers wearing off. He’d left them on the jet. He really shouldn’t have. They’d been on this mission for a few hours, and he was beyond thrilled it was almost over. He wanted nothing more than to get back to the tower and climb into bed. Maybe even shower first. 

He followed closely behind Yelena as she scouted around a corner, gun held in the air between two hands. 

“Alright, this wing’s clear”, She says into comms.

“This wing too. Meet back at the jet in ten”, Bucky replies.

John was standing with his head resting against the cool metal of the wall, closing his eyes for a moment while he waited for Yelena’s signal. The pain blared through his skull and behind his eyes again, making him gasp and wince as he squeezed the spot between his brows again. 

Yelena spun around at the sudden noise, her face dropping when she saw John’s face.

“Hey…Walker, you ok?”, She asked softly, her hand on his arm now.

John took a deep breath and shook his head; “I’m fine”, He forced a smile; “Let’s just get back to the jet.”

He began moving on his feet first, Yelena worriedly watching behind him for a moment before she too moved on her feet, catching up to the super soldier rather quickly. John was beyond thankful it was dark out when they exited the building, the blaring sun would’ve made him feel so much worse. He brushed Bucky and Ava off when they shot him concerned looks as he boarded the jet. Even Alexei seemed more gentle around him. He could hear Yelena whispering to Bucky about him, but he didn’t have the will to try and make out what it was. He just popped more painkillers and laid down across three seats, before closing his eyes; hoping the buzzing pain in his head would stop soon.

John ended up in training early the next morning, sparring with Bucky. It wasn’t unusual, two super soldiers practicing their best fight moves. His head was a little weary, buzzing slightly. Bucky held up a kick pad in front of him, but when John went to punch it, he missed. 

Bucky tried to suppress a look of shock, he didn’t say anything, just readjusted his grip. John tried again, he barely caught the corner of it. He stumbled a little trying to pull himself together, stand his ground. He was getting pissed off, and without thinking he threw an angry kick towards the pad, his left foot too unsteady to hold him up; he hit the ground with a heavy thud. 

Now his ears were ringing as he winced at the blaring gym lights now shining in his eyes. He blinked for a moment, not even realizing Bucky was already helping him back to his feet, or that he was talking to him.

“Walker”, Bucky said again, bracing his hands against John’s shoulder to keep him upright.

John whipped his head around; dazed, blinking as if he was hearing Bucky for the first time. He wobbled a bit, Bucky immediately tightening his grip.

“Woah, hey big guy…you sure you’re ok?”, Bucky asked.

John shrugged it off, his voice breathy, dismissing Bucky with a hand; “I’m fine. Just gonna go shower.”

Bucky watched John hobble out of the room. His balance off like the floor was tilting. A feeling of worry pinched in Bucky’s chest as he watched him leave.

John didn’t head for the showers though, no he had decided he’d had enough. He headed into the elevator and found himself walking into medbay before he could change his mind. He wanted the pain in his head to stop, he wanted to be able to run or walk without the world tilting underneath him. He wanted to be himself again. He didn’t see Bob watching him with pure worry on his face from the other end of the hallway.

———

 

John found himself sitting on one of the hospital beds, bouncing his knee up and down. He’d probably had a million tests done by now, or at least it felt like that to him. He’d lowered the lights in the room to ease the strain in his eyes, the darkness helping a bit. It was quiet, too quiet for his liking. Everything around him smelled sterile and rubbery. He didn’t like it. 

He remembered the last time he was here, a few broken ribs from a mission. Not the one where he jumped from the plane with no parachute; no he enjoyed that. The memory of the adrenaline lived in his veins, swimming under his skin. He’d do it again in a heartbeat. He wanted to feel alive like that again.

The ringing in his ears got louder, his vision blurring and hearing became muffled, like he was in a tunnel. He laid back on the hospital bed and shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and inhaling a deep breath; holding it for longer than he probably needed to. The bed underneath him grounded him, the room around him tilting back into a steady image now, as it should be. But the pain didn’t subside. He’d left the painkillers upstairs. Stupid mistake.

He knew the rest of the team was catching onto him, noticing him slowing down or acting off in some aspects. He’d have to come up with an excuse for that later. “I’m fine” was starting to get old. Less and less believable. John squeezed his hands against both sides of his head as a sharp pain shot through his skull. Pressure building like a balloon that might pop.

He finally heard the door to the room open after he laid there for what felt like hours. He sat up, his knee immediately bouncing in anticipation again. The curtain around him was pulled back, a different doctor from before now standing in front of him.

“Mr. Walker?”, The man said.

John nodded.

“I’m Dr. Robbins, I’ll be going over your test results with you today.”

The man reached out to shake John’s hand, John hesitated for a moment before he shook it. The man was being way too friendly, it made John more anxious than he should be. John listened as the man read over results from his bloodwork and x-rays. Different and various tests that had been done on him in the past few hours. They’d all come back pretty normal, well normal for a super soldier that is. Then John saw the look on the doctor’s face change. He listened as he started going over his MRI results. John’s breath caught in his throat as he did…Was it that bad?

Dr. Robbins opened his mouth and John’s entire world froze; his body running cold.

“John, you have a brain tumor.”

———

Chapter 2: Two

Summary:

-
John tries his best to wrap his head around the diagnosis. It proves to be harder than he thought.

 

———

 

“John, you have a brain tumor.”

John felt the entire world stop around him. Like his mind was moving so fast that everything else slowed in comparison. His eyes pricked with tears, but they were quickly replaced with anger. Why wasn’t the serum preventing this? How did this happen in the first place? Why wasn’t he healing?

His mouth was dry when he spoke;

“How?”, Was all John could muster. It came out softer than he intended, voice gravely and quiet.

Dr. Robbins sighed in front of him. He placed an image of John’s brain against the box on the wall, flicking the light on inside it; the mri imagine lighting up.

“Our best guess is this started before you took the serum”, Dr. Robbins tells him.

John remembers the headaches he’d get during the fight with the flag smashers. How tired he felt towards the end. The serum had taken that all away. Why wasn’t it stopping it now?

“For some reason, the serum isn’t fighting it the way it should. In fact it’s just pretty much containing it, not healing it. We’ll have to run more tests to see if we can figure out why.”

John didn’t speak, he barely moved. What was he supposed to do now?

“What’s uh”, John swallowed hard; “What about long term?”

Dr Robbins sighed; “Unfortunately chemo won’t do anything because of your serum, even if it did it would probably just put a thicker shell around the tumor. There’s experimental treatments we can try, but there’s no guarantee.”

John opened his mouth to say something but the doctor beat him to it.

“Prognosis could be anywhere between six weeks to six years.”

The anger inside John bubbled up higher. How was this happening to him?

“As far as the pain management goes, keep using the pills from before, ice packs can help. I’ll put in an order for a stronger medication for you that will hopefully beat out the serum trying to stop it.”

———

 

John left medbay with his body almost shaking beneath him. It didn’t make sense, none of it did. How was he supposed to just live with this information? He couldn’t tell anyone, he’d be seen as weak, a liability. He’d be benched for sure. Missions were all he had that kept him sane. U.S. Agent was all he had. He’d lose his mind if he had to rot away in the halls of the tower. Sure the team was there for him no matter what, but he didn’t want them to know. He didn’t want them to worry. He was supposed to protect them. Not the other way around.

John didn’t leave his room for dinner. He just sat on his bed staring at the wall next to the tv. It was on, but he wasn’t paying attention. It was just static to him. The noise of the city below had grown quieter, even the common room seemed quiet. He couldn’t hear any arguing or banter, not even Alexei’s voice came echoing down the halls. It was like they unconsciously knew.

Then, a soft knock came from his bedroom door.

It startled him. Gripped him and pulled him out of the quiet trance he was in. It came again after a few seconds. Then a voice.

“John? Are you in there?”, Bob’s soft voice came from the other side of the door.

John sighed and pushed himself out of bed. He couldn’t shut out Bob. Not when he was so nice to him. John opened the door and was hit with Bob’s surprised smile as soon as he saw him. Like Bob hadn’t expected him to answer.

“Oh uh, hey! I brought you some leftovers from dinner…in case you were hungry”, Bob said, then shrugged his shoulders lightly.

John gave his best and smallest smile, moving aside to let Bob in. The brunette happily took the invitation and walked in, his body always looked like he was bouncing when he walked. He set the tray of food down on John’s desk before turning to him.

“Geez it’s freezing in here”, Bob chuckled, rubbing dramatically at his own arm.

John didn’t say anything, just poked around at the food on the tray, forcing himself to take a bite. He could feel Bob watching him intently. Those deep ocean blues staring into his soul.

“Hey, are you doing ok?”, Bob finally asked, rubbing the back of his neck like he shouldn’t have.

John froze.

“I’m fine, Bobby”, John pushed out.

“You’d tell me if you weren’t?”, Bob asked, his eyes wide with sincerity.

John hesitated for a moment; “Yeah. Yeah sure.”

John realized then that he could tell Bob. Just not now. Not yet. Not while the news was so fresh. The wound was still open and bleeding. But maybe someday soon. He could trust Bob. When he got tired of keeping it a secret, he’d be the first person John told. He didn’t deny that.

———

 

“John what the fuck were you thinking?”, Yelena practically hissed into his ear.

Bucky and Alexei were hoisting him onto the small medical table inside the jet, Ava and Yelena trailing behind them as John hit the smooth surface with a groan. The burns up his entire left arm stung worse than anything. But it took away the pain in his head. As long as he felt pain somewhere else, his head didn’t bother him as much.

So he started being reckless. On missions and in everyday life. He’d punch a bag while training until his knuckles split and bled, not even bothering to tape them up. He’d jump in front of bullets or a blast even though he knew he was too big to completely hide behind his now taco-shaped shield. But he didn’t care. It burned and hurt somewhere else besides his head, and that’s all he cared about.

John’s arm practically sizzled as Bucky did his best to bandage it up and treat the wound. There was only so much he could do on the jet without taking him to medbay after. Bucky grumbled something to himself under his breath as he worked; he’d noticed John’s growing recklessness and lack of care for his own body.

“Just because you’re a super soldier doesn’t mean you’re invincible. When are you going to get that through your thick skull??”, Bucky scolds him as he wraps his arm up.

Clearly not, John thought. If he was invincible he wouldn’t have this stupid tumor growing in his head. Slowly eating away at him. It wasn’t fair. None of it was, not to him. He’d done a lot of stuff in his life he regretted, but he never expected having to go through something as challenging as what he was facing now.

He knew Bucky didn’t mean to be harsh with his words, didn’t mean the sharp tone that came out of his mouth. He was just frustrated? John knew it wasn’t fair to make his team worry about him like that. So he kept quiet. Just mumbled something about an ‘i’m sorry’ and promised he’d try to think more before he acts on missions. But the thrill of the pain being anywhere else but his head was too strong.

When the florescent lights of medbay hung over him from where he sat on one of the beds watching his arm being properly taken care of, the pain in his head started to grow again. The stinging in his arm that was slowly subsiding wasn’t enough. Soon he’d find his way back into his room and pop more pain killers. He just had to get through the day. It was movie night, he wasn’t allowed to skip that. He’d feel like a giant ass if he did. It was part of the team’s routine.

———

 

As John sat on the couch with his head tilted back and his eyes closed, he prayed the drugs would kick in soon. His arms were folded across his chest, a soft sigh escaping from his nose. The couch shifted when someone sat next to him, it was Bob; of course it was Bob. John didn’t mind the man’s presence, he’d actually grown quite fond of it since moving into the tower; but now with the thumping inside his head he didn’t really want to be around anyone.

Bob turned to face him anyways, the smell of rain and vanilla wafting up John’s nose as he did. He could feel the brunette smiling at him. He peeked one eye open, closing it just as quickly as he had opened it once he got a look at Bob.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer”, John scoffs, making sure to keep his tone playful and not be an ass for no reason.

Bob’s eyes widened and his mouth opened to say something, but he quickly closed it.

John laughed softly; “I’m just messing with you, Bobby.”

Bob’s face softened then, turning his back to sit leaning against the couch cushions as Yelena put a movie on the tv. Everyone was there, Bucky in his recliner and Alexei in his own. They’d both be asleep before the credits rolled. Ava huddled up under a blanket with Yelena, they’d grown quite close in the months they’d all been living together. John forced himself to at least pretend to watch the movie, he just hoped nobody asked him any questions; he wouldn’t have an answer.

The pain killers finally kicked in about forty-five minutes later, the sharp throb becoming more dull, enough he could pay attention now. He could feel Bob glancing at him occasionally, but he pretended not to notice. He knew Bob was catching on, but he didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want to be seen like that, not now, not by him. Bob was practically invincible. John wished he had some of that to fix his head, or at least that his serum would start working properly again.

Yelena and Alexei were arguing in the background, something in Russian that John couldn’t understand. He made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water, hovering by the kitchen island for a few moments before returning to his seat. The movement of sitting down was too swift; his ears starting ringing again and his head pulsed. He gripped his temple with his free hand, closing his eyes as a small groan left his lips. His body practically hunching in on itself as he steadied himself with his elbows on his knees. He hoped nobody noticed. His luck wasn’t that good though. Not with a bunch of trained assassins and super soldiers sitting all around him.

“John? You alright?”, Bucky spoke up first. John knew he was serious when he used his first name; he was always Walker to them. All eyes were on him now.

John squeezed his temple a little harder and shook his head, letting the ringing pass.

“Yeah”, John spoke, voice gravely; “Just a headache.”

Bucky didn’t look convinced, neither did anyone else around him. It wasn’t the first time he’d caught John wincing like that. But none of them pressed any further. John sighed a quiet breath of relief when everyone moved their gazes off of him. Well all except one. Bob’s gaze lingered a little longer, it had been lately.

———

 

John ended up in the gym when the movie was over. He wasn’t tired enough yet, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. So he figured he’d tire himself out. He was alone in the gym, and he hoped it would stay that way. The ceiling lights were too fluorescent and bright, the subtle buzz hitting inside his head in a way he didn’t like. So he turned the lights down.

He lined himself up with a punching bag, his feet firmly in position on the mat below him. He didn’t bother wrapping his knuckles; he wanted the pain. He wanted to feel something other than his head. He swung his fists forward once, then twice; each hit harder than the last. The punching bag swung with a growing ferocity.

John could hear the chains holding it up clinking together. He could hear them squeak slightly with every hit, but he ignored it. He punched harder. His mind was reminding him of every mistake he’d made that night. How he screwed up his image, screwed up with Lemar, screwed up with Olivia, screwed up as Captain America. He saw himself as a failure. No matter how much the team told him that this was their redemption; he still tore himself down.

He felt the blood running down his knuckles as his skin split, but he didn’t care. He just punched harder and harder, leaving small marks of blood on the punching bag where his knuckles hit it. The gym was quiet except for his grunting and heavy breathing; the sound of knuckles against the punching bag taking over. His head thumped. So he punched even harder.

He hit the same spot over and over, his head reeling with frustration. He was angry. Angry at himself, at the serum for not destroying this stupid tumor. He wanted it to all go away. John’s fists collided with the punching bag in one last obliterating punch; breaking the chains and sending it flying across the room.

John stood up straight and dropped his fists, breathing heavily as he stared at the now ruined punching bag. It wasn’t the first one he’d broken, and it wouldn’t be the last. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair, pushing it out of his face. He found himself by one of the various benches, grabbing a towel to wipe his face. He drank down the rest of his water and sighed.

Then everything changed. John’s ears rung even louder, almost buzzing. Pain shot through his head like a bolt of lightning, making him squeeze his eyes shut; his hand going up to grip at his head. His vision started tilting, so he shook his head, trying to regain control. John forced himself to take a few steps, but the world tilted more. Before he knew it he was falling to the mat below his feet, hitting with a loud thud as everything went black.

———

 

Notes:

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Hi everyone !! Here’s chapter two. Sorry it took so long, I’m doing quite a bit of research and fact checking to try to make this as accurate as i can. Bob will play a very important part in this story in the coming chapters. I hope you guys like it, I love reading all of your comments !! Chapter three will hopefully be up soon !! :) <3

Notes:

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I blame Jensen Ackles’ new show Countdown on Amazon Prime for this idea.
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Here’s one of the longer stories i’ve been working on !! Gonna be a lil bit of hurt and angst for these two so buckle up. Just need to write about them always, ok?? <3