i know it’s my fault that i’m here all alone

by imjinxed

Summary:

She just wanted her mind to be quiet for once, even if that meant putting a bullet into her head.

…………………………..

One-shots about Jinx’s grief and mental health struggles.

Chapter 1

It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault.

 

Jinx sat on the riverbank, savoring the sharp sting of the jagged rocks digging into the flesh of her thighs. Zaun rarely got cold, but tonight, the gentle breeze on her wet skin left her shivering and wishing she had a jacket of some sort. Her hair was draped around her, still steadily dripping with polluted water, turning her into some sort of living water fountain. 

 

She stared out at the dark water as angry waves crashed against the shore. Silco had always had a strange obsession with the river and the sinister creatures that lurked in its depths, so it had seemed like the right place to lay him to rest. She thought about letting herself sink into the darkness with him, but drowning was a far gentler death than she deserved. 

 

Her death was long overdue. If she would’ve done it sooner, none of this would’ve ever happened. The world would be a better place without her in it. She wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else, and she would finally be able to rest. God, she was tired. Even before the shimmer, she and sleep had never been friends. If the nightmares didn’t find her, then sleep evaded her entirely. It was a double edged sword, because the longer she went without sleep, the worse the voices got, and she was almost always left spiraling and on the verge of a panic attack. The nightmares were far from relief, though. She was forced to relive her worst moments over and over again while her dead family taunted and tormented her. She just wanted her mind to be quiet for once, even if that meant putting a bullet into her head.  

 

Once again, she had managed to jinx everything. She had given Vi the choice between Powder and Jinx, but she should’ve known she would never be able to be anything more than a monster and a curse. Just like she had that night all those years ago, she ruined everything. 

 

Silco was dead, Vi was gone, and Ekko was almost certainly dead, too. She had spent so long running from her past, trying to bury and forget it, and now, she had finally succeeded. Everyone she had left was gone. She was alone. 

 

For as long as she could remember, her being left alone was her biggest fear. She remembered the loneliness and worry that would creep into her when her siblings went on jobs and left her behind on account of being ‘too young’. She was always afraid that one day they wouldn’t come back— that Vi wouldn’t come back. She would latch onto Vander until her siblings returned home, and only then would her anxiety ease, and she would be attached to Vi’s hip for the rest of the day. They should’ve known there was something wrong with her, but everyone had brushed it off as Powder being Powder. 

 

She had always known, though. She knew that there was something wrong with her– some wires loose in her mind. Sure, things had gotten worse after she got her family killed, but the cracks in her fragile head were there even before that, held together by a child’s glue stick and ready to crumble at any moment. 

 

The night that she killed her family, she felt herself break beyond repair. First, there was the horrifying realization that her bomb hadn’t saved anyone, but instead, it doomed them all. Then, there was the terror of Vi’s anger and getting left behind. She deserved every ounce of Vi’s hatred, but it still terrified her, and it didn’t make it any less painful when her sister walked away, leaving her alone in that dark, burning alley. 

 

One stupid mistake— a pathetic attempt to help— had cost her everything. She expected to be alone, she knew in her gut that Vi wouldn’t be coming back for her, but then Silco had shown up. 

 

She wasn’t stupid, she knew he was a bad person, a monster even, but wasn’t she one now, too? If her options were to die alone on the streets  or join the company of fellow monsters, it was the easiest decision she had ever made. At least, she would have somewhere to go, and someone to look after her. She latched onto Silco at the first chance she got, and she refused to let go. She ate up every word of praise and affection that he offered her like a starving puppy, forever loyal to its owner. 

 

She hadn’t meant to kill him, but she had, and she couldn’t undo her mistakes— she never could. She hadn’t meant to kill any of them, but that didn’t change that they were gone. 

 

Grief was bad enough on its own, but the guilt that accompanied it made her want to pull her own hair out. She ruined everything. Her stupid, impulsive decisions got people hurt and killed. Everything she did drove people away, dooming her to be alone. 

 

Loneliness was a cruel beast, one that had hunted her for most of her life. Technically, with Silco she hadn’t been alone , but one man didn’t replace the friendships and family she had lost. She couldn’t replicate the nights of staying up late against Vander’s rules and trying to keep their voices down so he wouldn’t hear their laughter. She would never go down to the junk heap with Ekko and stay out way past their curfew searching for the perfect tools and scraps for their latest inventions again. She would never share a bed with Vi, snuggling close to her once the lights turned off, again. All those cherished memories of her childhood— of the only time she had ever been happy— were nothing more than a cruel reminder of the life she ruined. It was her fault they weren’t there anymore. It was her fault she would never make memories like that again. 

 

She had lost them all. If they got too close to her, they ended up dead, and if she didn’t end up killing them, then she pushed them away to keep them safe from her. She had tried to keep Ekko away from her, but in the end, he had gotten too close. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. They were either supposed to go out together, or he was supposed to be the one to make it out alive. She never should’ve survived that explosion, yet there she was, thanks to the shimmer that now pumped through her veins. 

 

Her head spun with memories from the past few days, and a combination of her own voice and Vi’s echoed loudly in her ears. She knew she wasn’t really hearing it, but the noise still made her want to shove a knife through her eardrum until she was left permanently deaf. 

 

Are we still sisters? 

 

Nothing is ever going to change that. 

 

Jinx wondered if Vi still believed that now. Were they still sisters now that Vi had seen the monster she had become? She already knew the answer. Vi wanted Powder, not Jinx. Nobody wanted Jinx. Who would want to be around a curse? 

 

Slowly, she reached down to the holster at her hip, and her hand wrapped around her gun. Her finger rested calmly over the trigger as she lifted it, and pressed the barrel against her forehead. Her hands were steady, but her heart beat rapidly as her body caught up with her mind. 

 

Of course, out of all the times she had pulled the trigger without a second thought, now was the time her body decided to freeze up and hesitate. Where was this hesitation when she filled Silco’s body with bullets? Where was this hesitation when she shot at Ekko, knowing it would be a losing fight for her? Where was this hesitation when she sealed the coffin of her sisterhood and fired that rocket at Piltover, pushing Vi away forever? So many times, she had pulled the trigger of her guns without a second thought, but this time, something held her back. 

 

Now that it was her life on the line, suddenly her finger didn’t want to move. 

 

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Staring down the barrel of her own gun didn’t make things any easier, at least not this time. As the panic and adrenaline kicked in– her body’s final attempt at self preservation– her hands trembled, and she fought to hold the gun still. How pathetic was she? 

 

She knew why she couldn’t do it— what she was waiting for. She wanted to die, but it wasn’t that simple. More than death, she wanted to find a reason to live, something to remind her why people fought so hard to survive under the worst circumstances. Vi and Silco had always been her reasons to live, but now, they were gone. Maybe in another life Ekko would’ve been her reason to live. Maybe in a better world she accepted his offer all those years ago and helped to build the Firelights. This wasn’t that world, though. Here, he was likely dead because of her.

 

There was nobody left to come save her from herself. There was nobody to pull the gun out of her hands and hold her close while they whispered false reassurances to her. She was alone, for good this time. 

 

Finally, her finger twitched. 

 

The slightest bit of pressure was all it took to press down on the trigger. Before she could even register that she had done it, there was a sharp, blinding pain, and then everything stopped. The world went black as her mind instantly shut down, and she crumpled to the ground as blood spilled from the small wound on the side of her head, staining the rocks and murky water an eerie shade of crimson. 

 

Vacant eyes stared up at the starless sky as waves crashed around her, washing away the blood and slowly pulling her body into their gentle embrace. Life had been nothing but cruel to her, but Death welcomed her gently, finally allowing her a moment of peace. 

Chapter 2

Summary:

Jinx holds Isha as she dies.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Isha was so little— only seven— she couldn’t be dead. It wasn’t fair. Then again, when had Jinx’s life ever been fair.

 

When Jinx found her after the explosion, her little body was covered in blood, bruises, and ash. The skin along her face and arm— the one that had held firm to the explosive pistol— were charred and mangled, much like Jinx’s arm had been after the bomb she set off on the bridge. Once more, Jinx found herself wishing that had been the end of her story. None of this would’ve happened if she had died like she was supposed to. Nature didn’t like being messed with, though, and the price of her life was Isha’s.

 

Somehow, despite her injuries, the little girl was still alive when Jinx scooped her into her arms. Logically, she knew there was no way that Isha could survive this. She may be alive for the moment, but she wouldn’t be for much longer. She couldn’t bare to accept the reality, though. Her first instinct was to scream for help. Nobody would want to help a jinx, but surely people weren’t heartless enough to leave a little girl to die, right?

 

Her desperate voice echoed through the desolate fissure, but nobody came to her aid. She expected nothing from the Noxians, but part of her had expected that Vi would somehow appear and fix everything. She turned back to where her big sister was still splayed across the ground, bruised and battered from taking the brunt of the explosion. Beside her was Caitlyn, also still unconscious from the blast, but she could see their chests steadily rising and falling. They would be no help to her, at least not for a while. Her chest pounded with fear as she saw the crimson blood staining Vi’s clothes, but she couldn’t let herself focus on that yet.

 

Isha wheezed and her tiny body shuddered with each breath. Jinx felt her heart shatter. She didn’t know what to do. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t stop this.

 

Tears fell down her face, and she didn’t even try to stop it. Why bother hiding her pain when nobody was even around to see it? Her world was crumbling around her, and she couldn’t do anything to piece it back together. Isha was going to die, Vander was little more than a lifeless pile of fur— she was certain that whatever humanity had remained inside the beast was gone for good now— and Vi was slowly bleeding out from injuries she had recieved to protect her.

 

For one brief moment, she had allowed herself to consider the possibility that she wasn’t a jinx, but the world seemed dead set on proving that she was, and always would be, a curse to the people she loves.

 

Jinx held Isha close to her chest, cradling the girl’s head in her arms. Her chestnut-turned blue hair was covered in ashes that made it seem like the color had drained away, just like it had from her skin. It was like Jinx was watching the life be leeched from her little girl, and she was helpless to stop it.

 

The moment Isha stopped breathing, Jinx’s world ended. She felt Isha tremble as her tiny chest rose, and then she went still— too still.

 

Jinx’s head filled with fog, and her vision blurred as the world distorted and lost focus. This couldn’t be happening— not again. How could sweet Isha, who was so full of life, be dead? All that rebellious energy and kindness was gone. The world would never be blessed by Isha’s bright smile, and warm honey eyes ever again. She pressed her fingers along Isha’s neck, desperately searching for a pulse that she was never going to find.

 

A shrill, bloodcurdling wail tore out of Jinx’s throat as she clutched Isha tighter. She begged and prayed to anyone that would listen to save her girl, but she knew it was too late. Isha was gone.

 

Jinx curled up on the ground, hugging Isha’s body close. Her tears dripped onto Isha’s hair like drops of rain, leaving it damp and matted, but it didn’t really matter anymore, anyway. She hiccuped and gasped for air in between her ragged cries. When would it stop hurting? Why was she doomed to be trapped in this endless cycle of grief? Everyone and everything she loved was torn from her, and she was so exhausted.

 

She wished Vi hadn’t saved her. If Vi would’ve just let her go, maybe Isha would still be alive, or, at least, she and Isha would be together in the spirit realm. Instead, she was left alone to be consumed by the grief and guilt.

 

Gently, she laid Isha on the ground, and she rested her head on the little girl’s chest. She waited and waited for any faint sound or movement, but there was nothing. Another broken sob pierced the silence, and she curled around Isha, refusing to let go of her baby.

 

Her mind only cleared when she saw the glint of an abandoned Noxian spear in the corner of her vision. Sitting there and crying wasn’t going to bring Isha back. Nothing could bring Isha back now, but she could follow Isha to the afterlife. She reached for the spear, her fingers clumsily curling around the handle as she dragged it closer to her, preparing to plunge the sharp blade right through her broken heart.

 

She stayed beside Isha’s body, and her eyes slowly closed as she lifted the spear above her chest. She never got the chance to finish the job, though. Instead, the spear was snatched from her hands, and she was grabbed from behind and dragged away from her baby’s corpse.

 

Death was a mercy, one that it seemed she did not deserve.

 

Her eyes never left Isha’s lifeless form as heavy hands pulled her away, despite her shrieking and thrashing. No matter how hard she fought, she couldn’t get away. Her little girl’s body would be left alone to rot, and that thought only made her sob harder. She weakly reached out her hand, grasping at the air as if she could somehow grab hold of something to pull her back to Isha, but she only got further and further away, until the girl’s body vanished from sight.

 

She heard voices surrounding her, but they were muffled by the grief that clouded her mind. Without Isha, nothing mattered. Isha had given her a purpose, a reason to stay alive despite the darkness that always lurked, threatening to swallow her and drag her down to drown in its depths. Now, that purpose was gone. She had nowhere to go. Even if she got away from whoever had taken her, she had no home to go back to. Her two places that she had called home were now tainted by ghosts that would torment her for eternity. The Last Drop was covered with reminders of Silco and her life before Jinx, and her hideout was filled to the brim with memories of Isha.

 

All she wanted was to disappear. She didn’t care what happened to her anymore. She didn’t even flinch as the enforcers stripped her of her weapons and belongings so they could throw her into a cell. As she huddled in the corner, letting dark shadows swallow her, she made up her mind. If the Pilties didn’t finish the job for her, she would find a way to do it herself. She was never supposed to live this long, and what reason did she have to keep living without the little girl that had become her whole purpose?

 

Jinx ran her fingers through her rapidly unwinding braids, tugging harshly at the hair. Isha used to like to pull her braids and wrap them around herself. The first few times, Jinx had been annoyed, but she quickly learned to get used to it. Now, it was funny that even the more annoying things left a hollow feeling in her chest. She would never have to worry about tiny hands pulling her hair ever again.

 

She curled into herself, pressing her forehead against the cold, rough brick wall. All she had left to do was wait. Her timer was running out, and she hoped that soon enough her heart would stop beating just like Isha’s had. Two people died that day, even though only one heart stopped beating, but soon enough, she would follow after Isha, just like her beloved little girl had always followed after her.

Notes:

i'll probably delete this in the morning because it's shit. life sucks so much that even my writing is ass rn lmfao