Chapter 1: The Storm
Notes:
For any of you returning readers/those who have read ‘Waves crashing Down’ ALL of these chapters, despite having the same context/plot-points, have been revised and reworded to be BETTER… so pls consider reading even tho you have once before 🤷♀️🤩👍
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Rin hadn’t been expecting much. He hadn’t been expecting a celebration, sudden reconciliation, or anything beyond a mere sentence of acknowledgement—or, at the very least, basic human-greeting—but, it seemed he had really underestimated the hatred and utter-detachment that Sae harbored towards him.
He hadn’t spared a single glance in Rin’s vague direction even once until the match had finished… but, that wasn’t even close to the worst-part; the true worst-part had been the way Rin’s heart had foolishly swelled with hope and childlike-excitement when his older-brother had walked over to stand beside him, the way he could feel his eyes practically twinkling with vulnerable-hope as he sat there, exhausted and pushed past his limit, hoping and ignorantly-believing that Sae would say something to him… anything.
And, in a surprising turn-of-events, he had actually taken the time to speak to Rin… but, he would never forget the crushing weight of sorrow and humiliation when, rather than even vaguely acknowledge him in any way-shape-or-form, the name that Sae had reserved praise for had been the last that he’d ever imagined that he’d hear:
‘The one who drew out your instincts… and who will change Japanese football… is Isagi Yoichi.’
…
Isagi Yoichi; The lukewarm little NPC that Rin hadn’t even registered as a threat during his entire time in Bluelock and just another worthless obstacle in a faceless-crowd of people that had to climb-over and mercilessly-crush to reach the pinnacle of his dream… but, as it turned out, that mentality had been a grave mistake on his part… and, now, he didn’t quite know how to cope with that fact.
Rin had worked so hard; He had sacrificed everything… any unrelated-to-football hobbies that he found enjoyment in, possible friendship, the pursuit of academics… all of it. He had sacrificed anything and everything for the sake of the almost-primal desire and dream to crush Itoshi Sae beneath his foot and consequently force the other to acknowledge the progress and growth that he’d made…
But in the end, he had failed.
Isagi Yoichi, the player who had barely been lukewarm-enough to reserve a spot on Rin’s threat-radar, had stolen both the spotlight and had managed to capture and hold Sae’s attention enough to become the newfound object of praise and attention… and what made it that much, much worse, was the fact that Isagi most-likely didn’t even know it.
Who was Itoshi Sae to Isagi? A genius, world-class football player, perhaps? Anyone with a genuine passion or even just mild-interest for football would surely hold The Itoshi Sae’s praise in extremely high-regard… but to Rin, Sae was much more than that; He was his Ni-Chan- or, at least he had been until his real Ni-Chan had left to Spain all those years ago, only to never return and leave nothing but the cold, heartless bastard that was current-Itoshi Sae behind in his wake.
He honestly wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting but, as Rin perfectly-still lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling in a sort of blank-trance, he could practically feel the devastating suffocation and anguish of both his heart and mind alike collapsing-inward with disappointment and dissatisfaction. He grit his teeth as his fingernails dug into the bed sheets. “Isagi Yoichi…” he hissed out with bitter-jealousy, gnawing the soft, sensitive inside of his cheek so harshly that the taste of disgusting, metallic-copper flooded his mouth; blood.
A relentless, raging storm of emotion crashed through and over him as he laid there, his mostly-blank face appearing to be almost calm to anyone who might be watching from the outside. Waves of pure, overwhelming hatred surged and piqued before crashing through his mind and body, the sheer agonizing force they thrashed him with strong-enough to make his body physically lurch and reel against each one; despite clawing and protesting against the metaphorical-sea with every last strength reservoir that he had to give, he was still ultimately helpless in the face of such sheer, overwhelming power.
He felt rage; hatred and rage so powerful for both Isagi and his br- for… Sae, that he found himself struggling to think straight. Blood roared and pounded through his ear-drums and he felt the sudden, violent urge to break something—anything—consume his every-desire without warning… but, almost as soon as the rage festered to just-about boiling-point, it suddenly dissipated and faded-away as quickly as it had appeared, immediately replaced by something a hundred-times worse than any rage; it was something that Rin, on the regular, tried so hard to forget and just plain-out ignore in its entirety…
Sorrow.
Sorrow that, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he tore-down, criticized, rebuilt, and just pushed himself beyond the limits in general, Rin didn’t ever seem to be exceptional, good, or even just noteworthy-enough for anyone. He wasn’t good enough for Sae or even his parents—who, mind you, couldn’t even be bothered or concerned-enough to make or reserve any time to come home with intent to visit him; though, that wasn’t a surprise… they might have never said it directly or out-loud, but Rin wasn’t stupid enough to miss that fact that Sae had been, and always would be their favorite golden-child, and that he was just the son they took care of out of obligation.
Rin wasn’t good enough for anyone.
Without warning, that same twisted, ever-present shadow of a question that had formed and taken-root within him ever since that fateful, traumatizing night in the snow decided to rear its hideous head, taking full advantage of his weak-vulnerability… and that question was simply: ‘Why’?
“Why?” He repeated aloud, a little startled by the sound of his own ragged, hoarse voice sounding through the otherwise silent and empty room; he hadn't intended to speak out-loud… but, for whatever strange and inexplicable reason, the gesture of having physically-asked the question sent him spiraling down a deep, twisting rabbit-hole of no return.
Why was Rin not good enough?
Why did it feel that, despite pouring every ounce of his heart, soul, passion, and dedication into football, he still felt like an undeserving, unloveable fraud?
Why was it that, no matter how much he fine-tuned his skill-level and talent, it felt as if nobody ever saw him or even bothered to try?
…
Really, it was utterly pathetic. He shouldn’t be wasting minutes fretting over such useless, trivial matters when he could instead be making productive-use of his time; Rin should be spending every waking-second honing his football-skills to the level-of-perfection required to crush Itoshi Sae to the point of forcing the other to acknowledge him. “Tch…” He clicked his tongue with a mixture of self-disgust and exasperation—With hindsight, it was no wonder that Sae refused to even look at him after the U-20 match; Rin was so laughably-pathetic that even he himself couldn’t help but scoff at his own shortcoming.
Rin had never been as mentally strong as his br- as Sae; He had never had the capacity or level-of-apathy required to separate and isolate himself from the constant cacophony of emotions that regularly-plagued at his heart, regardless of how much effort he put in to outwardly convince others that he could… but he wouldn’t cry—only lukewarm NPCs allowed themselves to succumb to something as trivial as emotional-weakness, and Rin was not one of them!
So what if Sae couldn’t even be bothered to look or see him… so fucking what if he had acknowledged Isagi Yoichi instead of him? He shouldn’t be wasting time sulking and mindlessly-repeating over trivial, time-wasting things such as this; He had two full weeks off from Bluelock, which meant he would have more than adequate enough time to improve! “Fucking lukewarm… get a hold of yourself.” Rin hissed at himself without reservation, all of the rage and emotion from earlier returning with passionate-invigoration… but, this time, it was directed inward, pointed at himself. “You’ll never amount to anything if you keep fucking moping like this you pathetic little shit…” he practically snarled at the ceiling, basking in the way the sharp, mercilessly-cutting words—although his own—stung and twisted at his already-aching heart with an a pain that he dared label as refreshing.
Plagued and obscured by a moment of regrettable, shameful weakness, Rin had almost managed to forget the most important rule he’d set for himself as a guid-line after Sae had broken his heart:
Don't suppress or attempt to escape from the anger… use it; he had to bathe and fully-submerge himself within the pain until it became so agonizing that it either forced growth and evolution, promptly aiding him with his endeavor, or became too much—those he couldn’t handle the pain died; they were the forgotten and useless.
Gritting his teeth with a newfound passion and motivation, Rin managed to yank himself up from the bed that had felt like something similar to that of a prison the last few hours, scoffing when, after checking the time, he realized just how much precious time he’d wasted fretting and concerning himself with such a pointless thing.
Deciding that he would not be wasting any more time, Rin leapt up and off the bed onto his slightly-shaky feet, grabbed and unrolled the yoga mat stashed beneath the bedframe, and began his routine stretch and meditation flow. It had actually been working decently-well to soothe his overcrowded heart and lift his spirit a little bit… until he heard his phone dinging and was promptly met with a text from the last person he’d ever wanted to hear from again, that was:
From: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“Hey Rin!”
What a fucking dumbass- and, for clarification, Rin was referring to both Isagi and whoever’s stupid idea it was to force all the members of Bluelock to exchange numbers and join a group chat so they could ‘connect over the break’; he had tried to refuse at first—obviously—but he could hardly escape when Ego Jinpachi himself concluded it would be a ‘good idea’ and practically threatened all of them to join and participate.
What the hell could Isagi possibly be texting him about? Rin had made it extremely clear on literally every occasion possible that he did not give two fucks about friendship or anybody within Bluelock other than himself… so, why couldnt this idiotic bastard just take a hint already? Was it possible that he thought that they were somehow friends?
Scoffing with agitation, Rin snatched his phone up from its resting-spot on the bed, his anger-fueled thumbs flying and tapping at the screen with a furious amount of heated-passion as he proceeded to respond with the most bitter, scalding, and dismissive response that he could muster:
To: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“Fuck off you stupid lukewarm bastard. We’re not friends so don’t ever fucking text me again.”
That should be more than sufficient and straightforward-enough to keep the damned NPC far away from him… or, at least, that’s what he thought would happen when he threw his phone back down and attempted to continue his yoga-session. Almost immediately, he had once again been interrupted by the sound of his phone dinging with a responding text-message; apparently Isagi really could not take a hint—or, in this case, a direct declaration of unreserved hatred.
From: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“What do you mean we’re not friends? :(”
Disgusting… Rin could practically feel the innocence and naivety radiating through the screen as if to mock and purposefully-agitate him—seriously, how could he have ever let an idiot as clueless and rage-inducingly innocent as Isagi Yoichi beat him during the U-20?
To: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“It means we’re not fucking friends. I hate you and I don’t want you to text me, so fuck off.”
Okay… that had to have been enough-
From: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“Aww you don’t mean that! ;P”
What the actual hell was this guy's problem? Rin had finally managed to escape from his depressive, time-wasting stupor and re-find motivation to fall back into routine when this clueless idiot had decided to interrupt and mess up the flow!
To: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“I do. I fucking hate you. I’m silencing my phone. Don’t ever text me again, lukewarm bastard.”
Rin didn’t even bother to read the following, probably ridiculously-positive text that he just knew Isagi had tried to send in response. “Stupid… fucking stupid.” He cursed out to the audience in the silent, empty bedroom, his blood running hot with mild-agitation and exasperation… Though, for some strange, inexplicable reason, it almost seemed that the lukewarm bastard’s unwarranted text-messages had actually managed to ‘cheer him up’, in an odd-sense; despite having been a distraction from more productive, meaningful uses of time, it had felt strangely good to take-out and direct his bottled-up anger onto Isagi, even if it had been via digital means. “At the very least, he’s a good punching bag.” Rin hummed with genuine-amusement, almost-immediately shaking and scolding himself silently when he realized he’d been dangerously close to smirking—what the hell?
Sighing and rolling up his yoga mat, Rin grabbed his phone—he still continued to ignore the periodic text-alerts; how the actually fuck could Isagi still be attempting to chat with him?—and went about organizing and tidying the bed before deeming it good-enough and deciding to head downstairs—How strange, it almost felt as if something inside of him was somehow a little bit… lighter? It was undoubtedly odd and something worth further-contemplation… but, for now, he couldn’t afford to waste anymore daylight pondering over unrelated subjects.
He had training to do.
Closing his bedroom-door and making his way down the staircase, Rin didn't really think much of what he would find downstair—why would he?—but, when he found himself halfway down, he froze dead mid-step, finding himself met with an unexpected, inexplicable sight that sent a fresh wave of stabbing-agony through his heart; Somehow, just when he thought it impossible, the towering, metaphorical waves of crashing emotion almost seemed to double with height.
Standing in the hallway with a suitcase at his side and looking as if he didn’t have a singular care in the world—that, or maybe he was just a long-dead, emotionless and apathetic bastard with the social capacity of a corpse—was Itoshi Sae.
…
Itoshi fucking Sae.
Notes:
IT BEGINS AGAIN BUT MORE OMINOUS THIS TIME 😈🙏 *evil laughter* guys- after revisiting the earlier chapters, IM LITERALLY PUKING AT HOW HAD MY WRITING FEELS TO CURRENT-ME LIKE WTF HOW DID I THINK THAT WAS GOOD 😭💀🥀 it’s crazy how much my writing style as changed/evolved in just three months 😳🤩
Chapter 2: A Gasp of Air
Notes:
How we liking the darker, more ominous chapter-name parallels to waves crashing down? 🤩🔥
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Petrified to the point of utter stillness, Rin could do nothing except gape blankly, his heart and mind paralyzed under the icy, petrifying gaze of Sae’s frosty, indifferent eyes inspecting him as they stood there; With him frozen on the lower-end of the stairs and Sae parked in the hallway, it felt as if they were having some sort of silent showdown.
Sae’s mouth twitched a few times before going still again and, for a moment, Rin thought he would simply walk away without any form of acknowledgment or explanation… but, as it turned out, that outcome would have been the better one. “Are you going to keep staring at me or do you have something to say to me? If so, spit it out already… I don’t have all day to stand around wasting time.” Sae’s monotone, apathetic voice chided him, the undercurrent of resentment and complete emotional-detachment somehow managing to be expressed despite his outwardly flat and indecipherable tone.
Like a slap to the face, the inhibiting ice that Rin had found himself restrained by cracked and thawed, the dazed-shock of the situation quickly replaced by the furious, tumultuous storm of his own hatred and unreserved resentment. Gritting his teeth and just barely managing to suppress a deep-etched scowl, he tried his best to mimic the same uncaring, ice-cold attitude that Sae always managed to execute so flawlessly. “What are you doing here?” He asked with a hiss; the venom and bitterness that weighed down his voice wasn’t exactly the level of apathy he’d been hoping to achieve… and, worst of all, he knew that Sae saw right through him.
Barely even bothering to glance at him—this wasn’t a surprise; what else was new?—Sae simply raised an noncommittal eyebrow before pulling out his phone; Apparently, he was much too engrossed with whatever oh-so-important digital-task occupying him that he couldn’t even be bothered to show Rin the basic human-respect that was eye-contact and vague acknowledgment. “I’m staying here until my flight back to Spain.” He responded with a flat voice that still somehow managed to sound demeaning and condescending; he drawled as if it were the most obvious, well-known fact in the entire world… and, with said display of disrespect, Rin felt his metaphorical-boat rocking haphazardly when the water surrounding his vessel hit boiling-point, the rage-inducing fumes beelining straight for his brain.
“Why the fuck are you staying here? Just go to a hotel.” Rin snapped back with all the warmth of a desolate tundra, chewing and gnawing at the sensitive, already-damaged flesh of his cheek in the exact same spot when, rather than react to his blatant, unreserved anger with anything that would display even the slightest hint of remorse, concern, or even indignation, a pair of uncaring turquoise eyes flickered up to glance him for less than a single second before once again focusing back on his phone.
“I’d prefer not to… besides, this is my house too.” He declared with a noncommittal, nonchalant shrug… and that was what had managed to finally pushed Rin over the edge, knocking over his pitiful little boat and sending him crashing and flailing down into the boiling-both, scalding waters below; he was fucking pissed now.
“Really? Because you haven’t been here in fucking years.” He hissed darkly, clenching his fists and fighting back the suffocating, almost drowning-like pain that stabbed at his chest when Sae made another unbothered and noncommittal hum—of course he couldn’t be bothered to entertain or even acknowledge Rin’s genuine hurt and anger… Why the hell would he?
Rin could feel the sensation of his lungs and throat physically contracting and squeezing under the weight of unchecked rage and hatred… and he knew that, if he didn’t get away remove himself from the situation and escape from Sae as soon as humanly-possible, he would fully succumb to the ocean, drifting and being swept so far away from his safety-boat that he might never again be able to find his it’s solace. He mustered up every single ounce of bitter-hatred into his gaze as he attempted to burn a hole right through Sae’s head—not that he noticed, regardless; he couldn’t when he wasn’t even looking—before biting out the most venomous, scalding, and resentful tone possible. “We’ll have fucking fun lounging around and worrying about whatever the fuck is so important on that stupid phone of yours… I’ll be out.”
A small part of him—the desperate and neglected child-like part of him that still yearned and hoped that his older-brother still reserved even the slightest reserve of love or affection for him; it was a ridiculous sentiment, he knew—had almost hoped that his blatantly-emphasized display of rage would draw some kind of reaction of of Sae, or at least get the fucker to look at him with anything other than blank disinterest and almost-unrecognition… but, as usual, allowing for even the smallest flicker of hope was a foolish, trivial thing that only ever ended in painful disappointment and heartbreak. “Okay.” Sae answered half-heartedly, this time not even glancing up from his phone before striding right past Rin's dumbfounded, hurt expression to head up to his room, not bothering to utter even a single word as he did.
“Fuck…” Rin hissed out through gritted teeth, digging the blunt-edge of his fingernails into the skin of his palms so hard that he actually managed to break skin and draw blood. Breathing heavily with the sheer exhaustion and emotional-fatigue of… whatever the hell had just happened, he made quick work of collecting all necessary supplies before rushing out the front door and purposefully slamming it behind him. “Fuck, calm down…” he chided himself harshly, mindlessly allowing for his legs carry him to the oh-so-familiar football field he and Sae used to practice in as kids—probably not the best choice of location given the situation and his emotional-stability… but, Rin wasn’t even concious of where his legs were leading him, at this point; he was much too preoccupied with battling against and struggling to endure the torturous, agonizing sensation that never seemed to leave him 24/7 these days:
Drowning.
Now, Rin had never actually drowned or come even remotely close to it before… but, once as a small child, he had accidentally swallowed a mouthful of seawater after having tripped and fallen off the pier into the ocean before his Ni-Chan had jumped in to save him… and, when using that bittersweet memory as reference, he deemed the the pain of his current emotional-anguish to be similar enough to warrant fair comparison; his chest felt tight with a sensation that one would most-commonly assume to be oxygen-deprivation, and his heart and lungs burned with an intensity that couldn’t be driven purely by emotional factor… but, to be fair, the mental-shock and borderline-sorrow that he’d just experienced could rival that of something traumatizing, so he wouldn’t rule out emotional-anguish being the sole contributor.
…
It’s just… why in the actual fucking hell had Sae chosen to stay at the house? Having an excess amount of money and fame as a professional-athlete, he could’ve chosen to stay at the most-luxurious hotel without issue… so why would he choose to return home knowing that Rin would 100% be there? Was it possible that Sae found pleasure and actual glee in the act of purposefully tormenting and emotionally-torturing him?
Honestly, Rin might’ve been inclined believe that conclusion to actually be the case when taking into account how fucking cruel and heartless of a bastard Itoshi Sae could be… but, after only a minute-or-so of silent contemplation, he felt almost bitterly-amused for having even allowed himself to think that way; Of course Sae wouldn’t go so out of his way just to piss him off even further… because, in order to do that, he would have to have acknowledged Rin’s existence in the first place—something that so-clearly repulsed him and deterred him.
Without warning, Rin found himself suddenly forcibly-yanked from his train of hateful-thought when he realized that his auto-pilot feet had halted in their place; he hadn’t even realized that he’d already carried himself all the way to the football field in such a short time… and, with hindsight, he wasn’t sure if the dazed, spite-driven trance that he’d been lulled into on the journey over could even be described as having been actively conscious.
Rin hadn’t been here for a while—that was an understatement; being trapped in that prison of a football training-camp hadn't allowed him any freedom—and, now that he'd finally returned back, he regretted having come in the first-place. Before Bluelock—more specifically, the U-20 match—this place had been a bitter and cruel reminder of the night his precious Ni-Chan had died and left behind the hollow-shell that was Itoshi Sae… but, at the very least, the pain had been old and almost settled, in a sense—he’d almost managed to find a sort of middle-ground and ‘acceptance’…
Not anymore, though
The fresh gaping wounds caused by not only Sae’s lack of acknowledgement during and after the U-20, but also the way he’d coldly dismissed Rin without so much as a basic ‘Hello, little-brother’ before so-rudely barging into his house without warning and declaring he’d be staying for no good reason was enough to flatline any sort of acceptance he might’ve previously derived from returning. “Tch… The field is lukewarm, anyways.” He spat with haughty-indignation… but, in all reality, there really wasn’t anything wrong with the field—as old and worn as it was—Rin simply wanted to find an excuse to leave without having to acknowledge the fact that he was too cowardly to stick—the very-possible threat of having anymore unwanted memories dredged up terrified him—so, turning on his heel before setting his mind back into autopilot, Rin found himself once again submerged and overwhelmed by the suffocating, abyss-like depths of the metaphorical-ocean raging within his mind. Almost as if salt-water were flooding throughout his entire being and taking-place of the blood flowing through the veins and arteries, Rin found himself suddenly plagued by an inexplicable itching sensation; it felt as if the outward-layer of skin that blanketed him were some-sort-of prison that contained and housed his bottled-up currently-trying-to-escape emotions… and, when in the theme of his mentally-manifested metaphorical-ocean, Rin swore he could actually smell saltwater and hear the sound of physical-waves crashing into reef-rocks, he thought he’d just about lost his mind entirely… until he blinked a few times and realized that, because they seemed to be plotting against him, his autopiloted feet had carried him all the way from the field to the pier he and his Ni-Chan used to love hanging out on—great, a place that could arguably considered even worse than the field. “Great… fucking great.” He smiled with a bitter and exasperated chuckle, cruel memories of him and his precious Ni-Chan suddenly filled his mind and offering the fleeting sense of warmth and nostalgia… before almost-immediately rushing away just out of reach, leaving him with an aching, yearning heart that felt even worse than before.
Before that fateful night in the snow, Rin and his Ni-Chan would always celebrate with those cheap, blue popsicles that they would always buy whenever they won a game—or lost, but it didn’t really happen often—Without fail, he would always get the winning-stick and gloat about it until his Ni-Chan would tease and mock him about wasting his luck… but, back then, words like those from his older-brother had held no bite; they were simply fun and teasing… something meant to make Rin giggling and laugh.
If only his precious, loving, and caring Ni-Chan hadn’t gone to Spain, ‘died’, and returned as the heartless bastard that was The Itoshi Sae. “Lukewarm…” Rin chided himself, relishing and basking in the anticipated, stinging impression that the insult left branded on his heart; for whatever reason, self-mockery was something of a comfortable and familiar sensation that usually helped him to focus in on the immediate pain rather than the whole oceans-worth of suffering lurking right-behind the much preferred superficial wound.
This time, when Rin managed to snap himself out of it and escape from his prison-like mind just long enough to focus, he frowned with confusion, not quite sure how he’d somehow managed to end up with his forearms bracing against the pier railing—these little fits of dissociation had the capacity to get genuinely dangerous if his legs were to ever pilot him somewhere that he had the capacity to get hurt if he wasn’t paying attention… but Rin barely paid that passing thought any mind when he registered just how low the sun had sunk in the sky already; the typical blue-grey was starting to take on a hazy mixture of orange and pink—a color little too similar to the hue of Sae’s hair for his liking—so he shook his head before pulling out his phone to check the time and- 5:30 PM already? Rin had stormed out of the house in a fit of rage, meaning that he hadn’t paused to check what time it had been when he’d left… but, just based on the fast-approaching dusk alone, he knew that he had to have been walking around aimlessly for at least a few hours for it to already be so late.
“Shit…” He cursed with exasperation and mild-annoyance, berating himself harshly for once again having wasted what could be precious training time over such worthless, short-sighted matters of the heart; Rin could feel the way the currents dragged him down deeper and deeper, whispering agonizing little jabs that eventually began to emulate and full-on echo Sae’s voice down to the T, capturing his cold, detached tone perfectly to the point of it being a little terrifying:
‘You’re worthless.’
‘I don’t need you in my life anymore.’
‘You’ll never amount to anything if you keep wasting time feeling sorry for yourself.’
Once again, Rin hissed bitterly, not even sparing the effort to care when a bystander gave him a strange, almost-disgusted look of judgement. He had heard the exact-same mimed-echo of Sae’s voice in his mind a handful of times before, usually saying the same thing relatively similar to what he was hearing at the moment… but it was a rare occurrence; this only happened when Rin was feeling particularly shitty—which, all things considered, wasn’t that surprising considering Sae had practically just ripped his heart out twice within the span of a couple days.
After another five minutes-or-so of sulking, he he had been forced to regrettably acknowledged that he couldn’t stand on the pier forever—as much as he wanted to—and would eventually have to return home sooner-or-later before it got too cold or dark for him to remain outside safely… but the idea of going back to that empty, lonely house—it wasn’t any less lonely or empty even with Sae’s presence; if anything, the other’s ‘company’ made it much, much worse—battered and wore-away at his conscience in a way similar to that of the way the real waves below him thrashed ferociously at the dock-pillars… relentless and unforgiving, were they ever to falter.
He didn’t want to go back and, despite how many times he attempted to will his legs into action, they refused to budge that inch; Something like another full hour must have passed with Rin just standing there like a statue, dazedly staring out at the vast expanse of water in a way that must’ve made him look like an absolute lunatic… but it’s not like he could do anything about it even he wanted to—and he really was trying his best to get his body to listen to him; its lack of response pissed him off to no ends.
He might’ve actually just ended up standing in that exact-same spot throughout the entirety of night… but, the feeling of his phone buzzing and vibrating with alert thankfully managed to snapped him out of it to the extent that he felt he could actually move and control himself again. “Huh?” He exclaimed dumbly, some of the unrelenting, dark pressure submerging his mind seeming to recede when Rin looked down to find an unread text-message sent by Isagi; it was the latest of the thirteen other ones he’d sent since he’d been silenced—did he not have a life?
Rin wasn’t sure what exactly had prompted him to open up the app and read each and every cringe-inducing, lukewarm, and agitating message that goddamn NPC sent him… but he had- and, to his chagrin, he hadn’t stopped there, either. For reasons that were currently beyond him, he had taken the time to reply to each and every annoying attempt that Isagi had made at reaching out to or inviting him to hang out with a respectable amount of ‘fuck off’s and ‘I hate you, stopping messaging me’s.
Feeling decently-satisfied with himself, Rin had been moments away from returning his phone back into his pocket when the feeling of said phone vibrating once again prompted him to see whatever annoyingly-innocent and idiotic response Isagi might have to his generous-amount of curses… but, what he saw managed to startle and catch him off guard so much that he actually physically stumbled back half a step before finding his balance again.
From: Npc 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“Rin!? Omg you actually took the time to respond to all my texts? I knew we were friends!🥹”
“What… the fuck.” Rin exhaled out with mild-disbelief, absolutely dumbfounded by Isagi’s seemingly-endless supply of optimism and friendliness. He stared wide-eyed at the text for the better-half of a minute almost as if mesmerized before snapping out of it and immediately powering it off, refusing to entertain that lukewarm bastard any longer… but, even when he’d finally found the willpower to coax his legs moving in the direction of the house, Rin couldn’t understand the feeling that washed over him.
It felt like… the waves crashing down on him so mercilessly from earlier might’ve lessened ever-so-slightly, just enough for Rin to break the surface of the water and scramble gracelessly back onto his little boat.
…
For some stupid reason that continued to elude him, messaging Isagi almost felt like… a gasp of much-needed air.
Notes:
Guys- REWRITING/REVAMPING THESE CHAPTERS ARE KILLING ME 💀💔 somehow, it’s takes EVEN LONGER to rewrite a chapter than it does to just make a brand-new one… but, for the sake of your guys’ reader-engagement—and to quell my sense of endless-perfectionism—it’s worth it 🫡 also, I have a question… since I’m taking all the time to rewrite/ make this chapters better than the OGs, should I update waves crashing down to have these new ones aswell? Obviously since this fic is more ominous/forboding I’ll change some of the darker-indicators back to more hopefulones if I were to do that, but what do u guys think? Update it, or leave it be? 🤔
Chapter Text
After having just-barely managed to make it back home before the fast-approaching darkness consumed the entire night-sky, he made a beeline straight for the shower despite not having actually done anything strenuous enough to count as training; luckily, Sae had already moved up into the guest-room, sparing Rin the discomfort and resentment that would come with seeing the bastards infuriatingly flat and unbothered face.
He showered quickly and without wasting time, both despising and, in a twisted sort-of-way, relishing in the feeling of the skin-prickling cold shower-spray… but, he endured it— at the very least, the distracting sensation allowed for him to focus better; he much preferred physical-discomfort over emotional-pain. As he hurried through his cleansing and basic ‘skincare-routine’ on autopilot, Rin pondered the strange and newfound ‘Isagi situation’ with every ounce of intelligence he could call upon from the depths of his mind; after all, this was a very serious problem that required tackling now… but, try as he might, Rin couldn’t come up with an solid, conclusive answer.
Why had messaging Isagi make him feel better both times that he did it? The lukewarm bastard could arguably be considered the source of all of the pain and agony Rin was feeling right now- or… actually, no; he might not take the highest-score when it came to emotional-intelligence, but he knew better than to blame his downfall on Isagi—It was his own fault for being lukewarm and inattentive during the match, and Sae’s fault for being a total piece of shit with absolutely no regard for anything.
Isagi Yoichi, as he’d declared in the changing-rooms, was his rival; He wasn’t the source of his anger… but, rather a convenient outlet to take it out upon—that’s why cursing and swearing at him had affected Rin in the way that it had… because, what else could be the explanation if not that?
Humming with satisfaction and the newfound relief of having sorted-out the chaotic mess that had been his mind—somewhat; Only the aspect of the situation that related to Isagi, really—Rin shut-off the shower, dried himself off with a towel, and got dressed before stumbling and crashing down onto his mattress; Usually, he wouldn’t allow himself to fall asleep without going through his nightly yoga-routine, but he felt much too exhausted and fatigued—both physically and emotionally—to care much about that at the moment.
After having just-barely managed to endure such a long, exhausting, and borderline-torturous day filled to the brim with unwanted surprises, Rin just wanted to drift-off into a peaceful, uninterrupted night and much-deserved rest and reprieve; He just wanted to fall asleep.
…
And, he was beyond exhausted and drained… So, tell him why the Hell he couldn’t convince his restless mind and body to succumb to sleep!? Gritting his teeth, Rin tossed and turned with rapidly-growing frustration, internally cursing at whatever cosmic-deity's twisted joke that it had been to curse him with insomnia tonight of all possible nights—he hadn’t even felt this restless and painfully awake the nights both prior to and post the U-20 match—but, after around ten full minutes of messing-up his bedsheets with his restless fidgeting and kicking, Rin had to acknowledge the small, cobweb-covered part of his mind that knew why sleep wouldn’t come to him.:
His phone.
In an almost haunting way, it called out to him with all the temptation of a siren, whispering and urging him to check the slew of text-messages that Isagi had undoubtedly sent him even after having been silenced… But, because Rin’s capacity for stubbornness could be comparable to that of a literal child, the urgency of the strange, unexplained impulse contradictedly deterred him from caving—God, he really had to get his shit together; Missing training, purposefully skipping yoga, losing his head because of Sae, and now actively wanting to text with Isagi?
Teetering on the cusp of what Rin believed to be potentially losing his mind, he vowed to himself that, to make up for today’s failures, he would quit sulking and set himself straight tomorrow.
~^~^~^~^~^~
Rin should have known that the concept of ‘setting oneself straight’ wasn’t exactly as simple and straightforward as having the resolve- and, especially not when the piece-of-actual-trash that was Sae almost seemed to be lounging around the house like an annoying little pest just to agitate and frustrate him—Again, he knew that wasn’t the truth… but it still drove him insane that Sae was lazing-about in his house as if he hadn’t abandoned it and him years ago
For the most part, Rin had managed to ignore the other entirely, opting to skitter around Sae’s presence with the hope that separation would aid him with emotional-control… but, he should’ve known that such a method wouldn’t last; After all, the unquenchable storm that raged within his heart would never allow him peace, even if only short lived- and, by ‘storm’ he didn’t so much mean the overwhelming emotional-fatigue that exhausted and plagued him on the average, but the physical and external influence that was hurricane-Sae’s cruelty:
By the third day, Rin had almost settled into the somewhat-comfortable and manageable habit of ignoring Sae’s presence entirely—In all honesty, it wasn’t too difficult considering that the bastard refused to even make basic eye-contact with him, much less talk—but, thoroughly caught off guard with a mixture of dumbfounded shock and mild-fear, he couldn’t even process the fact the first person to initiate conversation between them had been Sae; The conversation didn't last for a single minute before devolving into an argument- or, well… more like Rin tried to scream and argue with the blank-wall that was Itoshi Sae, desperately hoping that his rageful-display would induce even the slightest reaction—Spoiler-alert: it didn’t work.
“You don’t seem to train anywhere as often as you should be.” Sae's voice lamented from his spot at the dinner-table—The bastard didn’t even have any food; There was literally zero reason to have chosen the dinning-table for seating— with a condescending and chiding drawl, apparently both deaf and blind to the sweat beading and dripping down Rin’s heated-up, clammy skin; he’d just returned from a rigorous three-hour session of high-impact football-training
Reeling with a paralyzed-shock and struggling to process that fact that Sae had actually spoken to him, Rin stood frozen for a couple drawn-out, awkward beats of silence… but, when his mind finally did managed to catch up to the situation, he felt an extremely powerful, surging tide of indignation, humiliation, and rage wash-over and course through him. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He hissed through painfully-gritted teeth , not even bothering to make an attempt at emulating Sae’s apathetic, unbothered mask anymore. “Are you blind? Has staring at that phone screen all day made you lose your vision?” Rin mocked in retort, scowling when Sae turned to him to raise a nonchalant eyebrow with all the hurriedness of a sloth; Despite his outwardly-unbothered demeanor, his gaze harbored a knife-sharp edge… almost as if he were searching for something within Rin’s reaction and attitude.
Within a split-second and without any semblance of fair-warning, Sae’s almost-always unbothered and overall disinterested demeanor shifted, his entire posture and body-language becoming nearly as sharp and distantly-icy as his gaze; The sudden shift caught Rin so off guard that he couldn’t help but physically flinch back and cringe, his skin prickling with discomfort and blaring danger-alarms. “I can see perfectly fine. I’m just surprised that you think the amount of training you do is even halfway-adequate considering how little progress you’ve made and how poorly you performed in your last match.” Sae bit coldly, his expression obscured and shadowed with enough frigid-darkness to shell-shock Rin’s now-frozen heart to the point of irresistible paralysis; He gripped and held onto his pathetic little boat for dear-life when the metaphorical-waves that represented his emotion towered to unimaginable-heights breaking and crashing over him; he just couldn’t understand how or why this situation had ever come to be.
Rin been doing perfectly fine; He had been minding his own business, keeping clear of and making sure not to bother or provoke the other in any possible way… So, why the actual Hell did Sae apparently still feel both the need and motive to go out of his way to tear and claw at his already-broken heart?—Was his lack of skill really so frustratingly-repulsive that even the ever-uncaring Itoshi Sae couldn’t endure a mere few days living with him under the same-exact without having to mock his shortcomings… because, if that truly was the case, then why bother staying in the same house to begin with- or… was it possible that Rin been right in his assumption that Sae really despised him so much that he decided to stay-over with the sole intent of tormenting him?
Clenching his fists with enough tight-pressure that they trembled, Rin let his football-bag fall to the floor with an obnoxiously loud thump and clatter. “Why the fuck do you even care? You’ve made it more than obvious that you don’t give a fuck about me or what I do, so why the hell is the ‘Great Itoshi Sae’ even bothering to waste his breath speaking to me?” He spat with every ounce of venom that he could muster, going rigid with fearful-anticipation when Sae’s expression only appeared to darken even further.
“You’re right. I don’t care about you.” Sae agreed casually without even the slightest sign of hesitation or confliction, the cruel words—Although not out of the ordinary when it came to him—paired with his hate-filled, yet also perfectly-uncaring gaze pinning Rin to the spot… meaning that he really didn’t have any choice but to listen with full-attention as Sae continued shattered his already-broken heart even more—if that was even possible at this point. “As a brother, you mean nothing to me—you don’t even exist in my eyes.” He continued easily, the lax way he spoke such cutting, hurtful words only furthering Rin’s dumbfounded shock. “But, as a football-player, I can’t help but be absolutely disgusted by your lack of talent. It’s almost humorous how hard you try when you’ll never amount to anything.” He finally finished, his desolate turquoise eyes—The painfully identical pair that Rin vehemently despised seeing whenever he gazed at his reflection in the mirror—absolutely dead and devoid of any-and-all recognizable-emotion; it seemed as if the razor-edged cruelties he spat at Rin’s already-crumbling and now-shattered heart were completely effortless to speak out.
Rin opened and closed his mouth a few times, his mind desperately scrambling for anything he might be able to use as a retort… but, unsurprisingly, he found nothing.; For whatever strange reason, the turbulent, hurricane-like storm that raged through him almost 24/7 had decided to pick the worst possible moment to give-out on him… giving way into the slightly-less erratic—thought, still equally agonizing—ebb-and-flow of the sorrow he tried so desperately to bury as deep-away from the surface as possible.
He didn’t know what to say; Standing there with all the coherency of a corpse, he found that literally nothing came to mind. He didn’t understand and couldn’t even begin to guess what could have prompted Sae to lash-out at him so in such a heartless, unexpected way… and, now that he once again find himself here again, confronted by the darkness-obscured, condescending version of Sae rather than the much more bearable—though equally as hurtful—blank one that was usually devoid of any emotion, Rin found himself bitterly-amused that, just yesterday, he’d been purposefully attempting and hoping to draw a reaction out of Sae… because, as it turned out, this version was so, so much worse.
Maybe he’d gotten complacent; Maybe all that time being separated from Sae aside from the occasionally uncaring and disinterested version of him had caused Rin forget just how agonizing it felt to be on the receiving end of purposeful cruelty.
He stood there, frozen similar to that of a deer caught in a headlight-induced trance while Sae’s cold, piercing gaze searched him for any sign of a reaction or retort… but, when he presumably didn’t find whatever it had been that he’d been looking or hoping for, his usually-blank face twitched a few times before a sour look of pure resent and disgust twisted his expression—Wow, Itoshi Sae, a cold, ruthless football-player who almost never allowed himself to display outward-reaction apparently felt so disgusted and repulsed by Rin’s very existence that he thought the occasion worthy of actually expressing a flicker of emotion. “You disgust me.” He declared simply, as if the unreservedly hate-filled disgust on his face and the merciless verbal-attack he’d just inflicted on Rin hadn’t been enough and he wanted to ensure that his point got across.
Overwhelmed by such blind fury, humiliation, and sorrow, Rin grit his teeth and balled-up both trembling fists, but it wasn’t for an attempt at restraining himself from yelling or lashing out, no… it was because he remained determined to do absolutely anything and everything in his power to not let the tears that welled-up behind his watering-eyes to escape—He hadn’t cried in over a full year… and he’d be fucking damned if the first time he cracked was both in-front of and because of Sae again.
Averting his eyes and not even sparing Sae another glance, Rin snatched-up his football-bag, turned on his heel, and stormed up to his preferred-bathroom as hurried as humanly-possible. As soon as he’d made it past the threshold of safety, he clicked the door-lock into place after slamming it shut; he didn’t care if Sae could hear his temper-tantrum.
…
Oh- who the Hell was he even trying to kid right now; Of course he cared…. To his misfortune and chagrin, he had always cared and most-likely always would. “S-shit…” He exhaled, the blatant strain and tremor weighing-down his voice an indicator of how lost and fatigued he felt; Rin didn’t even have the strength required to protest against the eventual-collapse of his legs—His only saving grace was the fact that just-barely he’d managed to catch himself on his outstretched hands before completely busting his face open on the white, sterile tile.
He felt sick; nauseous to his stomach—The kind of nausea that wasn’t actually there to be productive and expel harmful toxins from his body, but the disgusting, retching kind of illness that left him dry heaving and gripping into the toilet seat for dear life with pale, trembling fingers. “Gh-“ He choked out dryly, gagging on nothing, but still leaning his face a little more over the toilet-bowl just in case he’d been wrong and his body was actually moments away from rejecting his lunch from earlier.
Gasping weakly, Rin swallowed down the bile piling in the back of his throat and shakily pulled himself up to his feet, slowly-but-surely making his way over to the tub and roughly yanking the shower-knob up to full-blast before stripping out of his disgusting, grimed-coated clothing and tumbling into the spray. “Damnit…” He hissed when the scalding-hot water burned at his sensitive skin, the heat a stark contrast to the usually-frigid showers that he typically took… but, hurt all the same so he really didn’t care to change it; All Rin wanted was the pain.
Swaying slightly as he struggled to regain his balance after nearly toppling-over when trying and failing to reach for the soap, Rin braced both of his trembling hands out in front of him against the tiled-wall, gritting his teeth as the boiling water scorched his sensitive back and scalp. “F-fuck…” he bit out quietly, trying to ignore the way his chest heaved and trembled with nausea and pain. “Fucking lukewarm, get a damn hold of y-yourself-“ his voice cracked pathetically; Apparently, he was so disgustingly-worthless and incompetent that he couldn’t even berate or mock himself properly.
To no one's surprise, remaining within the shower did not make it better; Rin’s nausea and lightheadedness paired with the ever-rising temperature and steam forming within bathroom only worked to make his discomfort that much worse… and, at some point, the mental and physical pain gnawing away at his very being became too much.
An unbearable flurry of questions and agonizing-emotion fluffed around his mind, consequently fueling the raging storm that had evolved into something that felt more like a category-five hurricane at this point… and Rin realized that, at this point, there wasn’t even a sense in fighting it anymore; Sometimes, even the strongest and sturdiest of boats couldn’t help but capsize when confronted with the power of a restless storm… and Rin’s worn-down, long-broken, sad little excuse of a vessel couldn’t even be compared to something so reliable… so off he went, ruthlessly and mercilessly knocked overboard and left with nothing but his own broken sense of self and willpower to try and drag himself out.
…
So, essentially, it was absolutely hopeless.
From the outside, it might seem as if Rin were simply bracing against the bathroom-wall with his gaze so-happendly downcast and obscured by his soggy, dark-green bangs; Anyone looking at him would see the thin trails of clear-liquid flowing from his eyes and most-likely assume it to be the abundant amount of water splashing onto and dripping from his face… but Rin knew better.
Only he would know that he was crying.
Notes:
guys… ik I just started posting, but I think I might HAVE to take a day-long or maybe even TWO day-long break without posting… I gotta get ahead of these so I dont have to rush them the night of posting 😭💀💔 I’m sry fam
Chapter Text
“Ni-Chan!” Rin whined with high and shrill panic before bursting out into a fit of unreserved sobbing, his widened, tear-filled gaze desperately searching for the comfort sense of safety that he knew followed his older-brother’s presence
“Rin? What’s wrong- oh.” Sae breathed out with realization after having miraculously materialized at his side with the swiftness silence of a phantom, his usually-calm eyes also going wide for a few moments as he took in the sight of Rin’s bruised and bloodied knee; In the midst of playing-around, he had tripped and scraped the sensitive skin. “What happened?” His older-brother questioned, his voice—although more urgent than usual—remaining stable and calm as he knelt down to rest a comforting hand on top of Rin’s head before ruffling the dark-green hair affectionately.
Continuing to sob and whimper, Rin brought a pudgy hand up to wipe and smear at the tears and snot making a mess of his face. “I-I fell and- and it hurts!” He wailed loudly, clutching at the back of Sae’s shirt after his older-brother moved to sweep him up into a gentle, love-filled hug without hesitation. “Ni-Chan…” He sniffled pitifully, searching for reassurance and comfort within Sae’s identically-turquoise gaze; He found it.
“Don’t worry, Rin… Shh, everything will be alright.” Sae shushed him with stern yet gentle and patient firmness before leaning over to further inspect the scrape in more detail. “You’ll be okay. It really is just a shallow scrape.” He explained with calm precision while fishing out a bandage from his pant-pocket, his voice the epitome of steady and collected. “There you go.” He hummed with a smile after having carefully laid the bandage over Rin’s scrape; His older-brother acted with utmost precision and meticulous-focus so as not to accidentally harm him. “Are you okay?” Sae asked after taking a few moments to inspect and regard his reaction and mood, his gaze sparkling with a genuine and earnest concern that the majority of people would never have the privilege of witnessing.
After bringing a sleeved-arm up to rid himself of the traces of pain, Rin nodded with a bright and almost-immediately relieved grin, bringing an eager hand up to smooth out the Godzilla-theme bandage with admiration and awe—His older-brother always seemed to have a solution to everything. “I-I’m okay.” He mumbled out with mild bashfulness; Despite the fact that he was currently grinning ear-to-ear, Rin still wasn’t quite over the little tumble and decided to pout—If just internally—for a while longer.
After having taken another few moments to observe, regard, and contemplate his still somewhat-pouty demeanor, Sae hummed, moving to ruffle and mess-up Rin’s hair for the second time that day. “Do you want to go get some ice-cream?”
~^~^~^~^~^~
In all truth—and despite the fact that it did still bother him to a great extent—it wasn’t even necessarily the football-related aspect of his and Sae’s relationship that frustrated and caused him so much pained-stress; It pissed him off to no end that Rin was still far from adequate and skilled enough to play football on Sae’s level yet… but that in particular only invoked a sense of shallow-jealousy and frustrating stemming from impatience rather than the genuine stress that plagued him right now.
What stabbed and tore-away at Rin’s heart with such merciless severity that he found himself struggling to breathe wasn’t the fact that Sae refused to acknowledge him as a fellow football-player… But the fact that, regardless of the amount of effort that he put in, he no longer would acknowledge Rin as a little-brother anymore.
Rin loved football—or, well… In truth, he wasn’t quite sure that he could declare that sentiment to be the full truth anymore; For some reason, the joyful passion and excitement that he used to derive from football seemed to be slowly-but-surely fading away into what he fearfully presumed would be eventual-nothingness… Drifting further and further away with the ever-flowing current—meaning that of course he craved for the day that Itoshi Sae acknowledged the hard-earned skill he’d honed so meticulously through exhaustive training and discipline… But, as he’d mentioned before, the pain that followed not being acknowledged in relation to football couldn’t even be compared to that of the sheer agony that plagued and weighed him down whenever Sae would disregard and attack him on such a personal and emotionally-intertwined level:
‘As a little-brother, you mean nothing to me—you don’t even exist in my eyes.’
With each passing day, it continued to chip-away and decimate the already paper-thin sense-of-self and confidence that Rin had just-barely managed to protect all these years, shredding and tearing it into pieces so inexplicably small and minuscule that he one day feared there would be nothing left of himself. For the majority life, his older-brother had been the one person that he had—ignorantly—allowed himself to place full, unquestioning faith and trust him; He’d believed with the entirety of his young and naively-innocent heart that, no matter what, Sae would continue to be a reliable pillar-of-strength that loved and protected him unconditionally… Because, aside from his older-brother’s love, company, and wisdom-filled guidance, Rin really had nothing else to define him.
He wouldn’t label his parents to be horrible or abusive… But, when comparing how they treated Rin versus Sae, the favoritism and golden-child complex stuck out like a sore-thumb; For as long as he could recall, their mother and father had practically worshipped the ground that Sae had walked on- and, yeah… It really made the neglectful and borderline emotionally-absent way that they’d treated Rin look undeniably lukewarm in comparison; Though, don’t get him wrong… despite the emotional-confliction and resentment that he harbored towards them for having cast him aside—in a sense—Rin would be lying if he declared that he didn’t love or appreciate them at all… But, that miniscule and somewhat-obligatory sense of affection he reserved for them couldn’t ever be compared to that of the deep-rooted admiration and unconditional love that he felt for his older-brother.
…
But now the older-brother that Rin gazed at with never-ending admiration and respect was dead; His precious Ni-Chan had left without so much as a warning and wouldn’t ever be returning… Because, by now, it was pretty obvious that, regardless of how much effort or dedication Rin poured into football or himself, Sae wouldn’t ever gaze upon him with the same affectionate and loved-filled eyes that he used to…
And that fucking killed him.
“L-lukewarm…” He insulted himself pointedly, hissing with a combination of frustration and mild-panic when the slight sting caused by the insult did almost nothing to mask the aching, chronic pain that stabbed at his heart. With a gaze tear-filled and thin-pressed lips, Rin realized that no amount of masking or ‘coping’ would be able to offer him even the slightest form of reprieve… So, pushed to the limit of utter exhaustion and fatigue, he eventually stopped trying to fight against the pain; He chose to succumb to the emotional-chaos, completely uncaring of whether or not that decision made him weak… He just needed to get them out.
Rin cried silently, moving brainlessly and methodically through his strict wash-routine and only breaking to pause for a few long, drawn-out seconds when he realized that he’d technically already finished said routine and should be wrapping-up to head back downstairs and finish with his day… but, the idea of having to face Sae with red-hued, puffy-rimmed eyes that were a clear testament of the weakness he’d allowed himself to succumb to send a towering wave of shame and anxiety crashing over him; Rin definitely could not endure the prospect of that… But, at the same time, he absolutely hated the idea of wasting precious time… So, after another minute or two of pointed deliberation, he eventually decided to draw himself a bath—Anything to justify avoiding Sae.
After a little memory-surfing, Rin realized that he hadn’t actually taken a bath in years; He’d never really had the time, energy, or drive to do so… Plus, the idea of laying around in a tub and soaking equaled to about the same amount of productivity as lazing about in the living-room like a coach-potato—At least, it did so in Rin’s perspective—but, he supposed that just for today and the given circumstance, he could justify having one as of de-stressing and ‘aiding the muscle-recovery process’—When worded in such way, the concept of taking a bath could be considered self-care and muscle-rest; Rin could live with the decision, be that the case.
Dragging his exhausted, limp body from the shower with all the grace of a newborn-giraffe, Rin made quick work of drawing a bath, uncaring of the water-droplets that dripped from his still-wet body and onto the floor to create small puddles. After having finally finished getting the water-level to adequate height, he found the bath-temperature to be quite soothing against his skin; He would be lying if he were to say that this overall experience wasn’t pleasant or relieving… But, being only an external and physical sensation, it didn’t really do much to soothe what was truly bothering him.
No amount of comfort would be able to rescue or spare him from the whirling, rageful storm of emotion that Sae’s cruelty had ignited within him… And, like a double-edged sword, now that he no longer could find distraction in the painful, yet grounding sensation of scalding shower-spray scratching and pelting at his raw skin with the razor-edge comparable to that of a switchblade, Rin found it that much more difficult to ignore and distract himself from the pain clawing and squeezing with vice-like grip at his aching heart. “Stop crying…” He chided himself harshly… but, the insult—if it could even be considered that—barely contained any bite or venom; He felt much too weak to summon anything beyond that.
Every single aspect of the still situation felt like utter agony. The nausea still hadn’t left him, nor had the unyielding and disarming lurching vertigo or the sharp, stabbing pain that clutched at his heart… and Rin had absolutely zero clue how to deal with this.
To his chagrin, no amount of harsh self-loathing insults that he had spat at himself had done anything to lessen the pain… and, this failure paired with the uncontrollable sobbing was really starting to frustrate him to no end; The lack of control that he had over the situation and himself had even managed to ignite a flicker of panic.
Ever since that frigid, isolating night in the snow where Rin had realized that his precious Ni-Chan was ‘dead’, he hadn’t once—Save for the post-U20 match, but that was more recent—found himself in a situation where he couldn’t reign in or at the very least suppress the emotional-driven chaos with a few well-placed insults or a few hours-worth of exhaustive football-training to focus his mind… which meant that, having failed at de-escalating himself at the situation multiple times now, Rin was starting to get really damn desperate for even a semblance of control and normalcy.
Pain; He needed pain.
If self-directed insults weren’t enough, then Rin would just have to find a source of pain through a different method—Preferably physical pain; It seemed that this worked best. Unfortunately, he’d already drawn himself a bath, meaning that the shower-spray could no longer be used unless he wanted to cause a mess… So, maybe he could just resort to something small and superficial- pinching himself, maybe?
…
…
…
Yeah… Predictably, the miniscule and almost barely-perceptible ‘pain’ that came with lightly pinching himself did not work for shit; He needed something stronger… He needed an all-encompassing and overwhelming physical agony intense enough to rival and eclipse the emotional-pain that plagued at his heart in order to balance the scale. In a mental and emotional sense, it felt as if Rin were suffocating… As if his heart were clutching with such unbearable pressure that the oxygen-carrying blood-cells that were supposed to be flowing throughout his circulatory-system couldn’t travel and supply him properly… So, as logic stood—If there was even anything remotely logical or not unhinged about the situation—he would simply have to inflict a physical pain strong enough to rival that sensation upon himself- and, well… Before him like a conveniently placed haven, there sat a tub full of water.
Now, of course Rin wouldn’t ever go so far as to actually suffocate or drown himself within a bathtub—That would be the pinnacle of idiocy and shame-filled weakness—but… He just needed to find something to focus on other than the phantom-sensation of roaring thunder gusting wind that had become something equivalent to that of a 24/7 white-noise within his sanity-strained brain.
Hesitating for another minute-or-so, Rin began to question if adopting such a… barbaric coping-mechanism could be considered a warning-sign of actual insanity… But, after a fresh and unexpected wave of remindful pain wracked through his trembling body, he refused to hesitate or contemplate his possible decline into lunacy for a single moment longer before allowing his back to slide down the tub-wall to the point of his entire head being fully submerged within the blurry, ‘silent’ depths of the bath.
To say the least, it was quite an odd and even a little-bit of a surreal sensation. Rin couldn’t remember the last time that he’d found himself fully submerged and dunked beneath water like this… And, in all truth, he would be lying if he said that he didn’t find the experience quite interesting. After having grown accustomed to the slight-burn that stung at his cracked-open gaze, he was inexplicable entertained by the blur-effect that the underwater-world distorted his vision with; He couldn’t see much beyond hazy and disfigured blotches of melding light and watered-down color… And, when he eventually took a moment to focus on what he could hear rather than just see, he found himself pleasantly surprised and comforted to find that the answer was nothing- or, well… Not exactly nothing—He could still perceive that strange and almost-distant ‘water’ sound—but, regardless, he found it to be a grounding sensation; Despite not being the true silence that he craved, Rin deemed this to be an improvement.
In a twisted sense, it was a bit ironic that the sensation of physical drowning had been the remaining puzzle-piece that had enabled him to regain a sense of control; Especially considering the fact that Rin had somewhat personified his personal anguish in the form of a metaphorical-ocean that… But, he wouldn’t complain or question the bizarre solution if it continued to suffice as a decent distraction.
The almost trauma-inducing, overwhelming ‘sound’ that came with the metaphorical-storm raging within his mind were, in a sense, muffled and toned-down by the ‘safety-bubble’ of water-padding… And, just when he’d thought that his newfound coping-mechanism couldn’t get more efficient and rewarding, Rin became aware of an all-encompassing burning sensation that itched at his throat due to lack of life-sustaining oxygen.
With a dazed, hysterically-amused bubble of laughter that only served to release the last remaining reservoir of oxygen and breath that he’d been holding, Rin almost giddily realized that, essentially, this was the physical act of drowning. He thought nothing when pitch-black, tentacle-like tendrils of darkness began to creep along and consume the edge of his already-blurred and fuzzy vision.
How interesting; Who would’ve guessed that the sensation of suffocating himself physically would be the thing to save him from the sensation of metaphorically drowning within the abyssal, painful recesses of his own broken mind? In a morbid and twisted sort of way, it was really quite a relaxing and even addicting experience; Rin felt that he could remain within this ‘safety-bubble’ for the rest of eternity, and-
BREATHE!!!
“Gh- ack!” Rin gasped and floundered with desperation after having, on pure survival-instinct and borderline-shock, yanked himself above surface-level to heave for the much-needed oxygen-resupply. “W-what… What the fuck!?” He shrieked with too much volume and unreserved emotional-distress, the rasp weighing-down his voice a testament of both the panic and fear coursing through him alongside the adrenaline.
Slowly but surely, the shadowy-tendrils of what was quite literally death—He could have very-much passed-out and died—receded, and Rin shakily scrambled to drape his upper-half across the stabilizing edge of the sturdy tub. “W-what.” He gasped with a full-body shudder when the reality-inducing weight of what he had just been doing truly registered with all the frigid clarity of an ice-bucket being dumped over his head. “Why-“ Despite taking drawn-out, evenly-spaced breaths, Rin found that he couldn’t calm or stabilize the rapid rise-and-fall of his knotted-up chest or racing heart.
What the hell had that been!? It almost felt as if… Rin had fully lost any-and-all control over both his mind and body, and couldn’t help but succumb to the sweet-tasting, siren-song coaxing and urging him to chase the impulsive and short-lived pain that he had been craving at the expense of all other cost and sacrifice!? “F-fucking stupid.” He hissed at himself with untempered heat, shaking his head with intense disapproval and humiliation when mental-images of the ‘what-if’s began to fill the forefront of his mind—Just the slightest bit later and he might have passed-out and actually drowned in a bathtub. “So damn lukewarm…” That had to be by-far the dumbest and most-idiotic way a human-being had ever almost died.
Clicking his tongue with self-disgust and shame, Rin took a minute to regain both balance and mental-clarity to the best of his ability before hurriedly moving to gracelessly clamber out of the tub and haphazardously towel himself off with half-hearted effort. After having slipped into clothing, he drained the tub, pausing to give it and the sweet, calling appeal of pain once last longing, contemplative glance before breaking the trance and mercilessly berating himself for having dared to even just entertain the idea; Risking both his dignity and life to indulge in such a short-lived and superficial ‘comfort’? It was repulsive… But, he did have to admit that being able to distract had been quite pleasant, and- NO! He could not allow himself to make excuses and justify this lunatic-level behavior!—He wasn’t some impulsive, crazed crackhead itching for a fix!
Since when had he gotten so damn weak? First, Rin had exploded and cried just because Sae insulted him—Seriously, that hadn’t even been anything that he shouldn’t already have the emotional-capacity to handle—and then, to top it all off, his good-for-nothing mind had chosen the worst possible time to dissociate; In a moment of weakness and shallow-desire, he had almost gotten himself killed. “Weak, weak, weak… So fucking weak.” He repeated to himself like a bitter mantra of deserved self-punishment.
Scowling and sneering with self-disgust at the red-rimmed, puffy-looking eyes that gazed back at him through the mirror-reflection, Rin berated himself with even more insistence for not having planned-ahead enough to realize that water-aggitation would emulate the side-effects of crying and consequently worsen his already-haggard appearance. “Shit.” He cursed out with a hiss, attempting to elevate his general-appearance from ‘corpse’ to at least ‘decent’… but, there was hardly any use; Nothing could fix the mess that he’d allowed himself to become.
The only twisted sense of mild-satisfaction and grounding that Rin had been able to relish in had been the slight sting of pain that zapped through his nervous-system after having chewed-on and gnawed at that same, already-damaged spot on the inside of his cheek; He anticipated the bitterly-metallic taste of copper blood that spilled out into his waiting mouth. “Hmph.” With a small and somewhat-satisfied hum, he fished out his phone, pausing and raising an eyebrow when, after having done the rough guesstimated mental-math, he realized that he’d managed to kill two full hours since the fight he’d had with Sae.
Had enough time passed for Rin to assume that the other had left elsewhere… Or would he still be lazing about the living-room if he were to head downstairs? “Hm…” Truthfully, despite his logistical-deduction skills being somewhat-obscured by irrational fear, he didn't think that Sae would still be up—The bastard would usually clock-in to the guest-bedroom at around 6:00 PM; He must get ten hours of rest each night at the least. “He’s probably gone by now.” He assured himself with a nod… But, in all reality, he had no idea what he would do if he ended up being wrong and did end up having to face the other again; With eyes so agitated and swollen, Sae would be able to pick-up on the distress signs immediately.
With a drawn-out and exasperated sigh, Rin screwed up his face with disgust when he realized that he’d gnawed and torn-through the flesh of his cheek with a little too much insistence; The amount of blood spilling into his mouth would soon cross the threshold into just being gross and sickening. “Ugh-“ He gagged with a scowl, leaning over the bathroom-sink to spit it out—He didn’t even care enough to wash it down the drain before walking out the door.
Luckily, as he’d predicted, a sliver of dim, yet obvious yellowish-light could be seen creeping-out from the crack under the guest-bedroom’s closed door… Meaning that Sae had clocked-in for the night and that Rin wouldn’t have to confront him and run the risk of having another mental-breakdown. “Bastard.” He cursed at the uninviting door… And, with one sad and wistful look, he turned on his heel while mentally preparing himself for another quiet and painfully-lonely dinner.
As per usual, Rin would be eating alone.
Notes:
IM BACK!!! 🤩🔥 that two day break was MUCH needed 😭 I feel a little bit more revitalized… also, just a fair warning, since rewriting these chapters takes much more time than simply writing new ones, there might be a few more days moving forward with the rewrites that I might have to skip a day of posting if the chapter happens to be extra long(like this one) or if I happen to have a busy day so, if I do skip a few more days moving forward, don’t be alarmed ‼️❤️ I’ll most-likely fall back into the consistent everyday post schedule once the new content part of the story starts rolling around… ty for being patient guys, ily best readers ever 🥹🫶❤️
Chapter Text
Grumbling and internally scowling when he realized that he’d for whatever reason grown conscious much earlier than he should have, Sae blinked his sleep-crusted, weighed-down eyelids open with much chagrin; The sun hadn’t even risen yet… But, seeing as he had to use to bathroom, rather than make an attempt to fall back asleep, Sae forcibly pulled himself from the comforting warmth of the bed to make his way to the bathroom with all the grace of a feather-light cat.
He didn’t think much of anything by the time he’d wrapped up—Why would he?—but… That was until a flash of eye-catching and disarming crimson-red gleamed in the overhead-light and caught the attention of his peripheral-vision right before he’d been about to rinse his hands; He’d almost washed it down the sink-drain without even having noticed it. “… Blood?” Sae breathed out with mild surprise, a slight downward twitch tugging at his expression when he took a moment to register the sheer amount of it. “What the hell?” Why was there so much blood in the sink- and, better yet, why would it be in the unwashed bathroom-sink of all places to begin with? “Tch.” He clicked his tongue with exasperation, his mouth tugging downward into an almost-imperceptible frown—Anyone unfamiliar with Sae’s mannerisms most-likely wouldn’t even have realized that his expression had changed in the slightest.
Rin had spent a suspicious amount of prolonged cooped up in the bathroom after they’d had their little altercation… So, Sae could assume that he’d done this—Realistically, there wasn’t anyone else who could have; He lived alone and never had guests over—but… That begged the question as to why he’d been bleeding so severely in the first place? “Tch, Whatever.” Sae spat with mild-annoyance and a disapproving shake of the head, opting to ignore the situation in favour of turning on the tap, rinsing off, and washing the blood-stain down the drain along with any now-dead germs that had been festering on his skin. “He probably just injured himself like an absolute idiot while out training…” He assured himself with a finalizing shrug, not quite sure as to why he even cared about the predicament to need ‘assurance’ to begin with—Whatever idiotic problem that Rin had caused for himself this morning, it wasn’t Sae’s job to care about or deal with it.
With a yawn, he navigated through the darkness before tucking himself back into bed under the sheeting, resolute on falling back asleep and not furthering whatever damage had already been done to the strict sleep-schedule that he kept.
…
…
…
Really, he shouldn’t even care or be bothered to enough contemplate the ‘blood situation’. As logic and pattern-recognition stood, the conclusion that Sae had reached earlier had been right and, while obscured and weighed-down by his own ineptitude, Rin had just fallen and scraped himself; It made sense that he would have most-likely disinfected and patched-up the wound in the bathroom-sink and had simply forgotten to wash the mess down after finishing… And, besides, even if that wasn’t the case, Sae still shouldn’t be bothered to care regardless.
Emotion, relationships, family… They were all nothing more than a hassle and distraction to Sae; Expending energy to deal with such needless trivialities would do nothing but hinder the emotional-defense and football-career that he’d so painstakingly worked to build-up… Which was precisely why he had chosen a life devoid of them. Besides, even if he did care enough to step in, expressing even the most minuscule amount of concern over Rin’s situation would most-likely cause the other to get false-hope and rekindle the unhealthy level of attachment that he used to have for Sae—Honestly, he still did seemed to harbor lingering-echoes of the bad-habit even to this day—and that would do nothing but hinder and weigh-down the both of them.
Rin had to understand that Sae had a separate life far, far away from both Japan and anyone in it; It was about time that he too managed to grasp the concept of isolated independence and self-sufficiency… Because, the sooner that he did that, the sooner he might have the chance to relieve himself from the stagnant stupor he’d been trapped in and make progress towards actually launching his professional career- again, not that Sae cared about Rin or what happened to him… But, the inner football-player that resided within him couldn’t help but naturally critique, evaluate, and map-out someone who showed somewhat decent potential—That had been the precise reason why, rather than stay in some random hotel for the remaining week or two, he’d decided to spent it at home; As lukewarm as Rin could be in certain aspects, Sae couldn’t help but be intrigued to discover at what rate he might improve when pushed and motivated… But, to accomplish and quell said curiosity, he would have to learn how to adapt and handle emotional-pressure.
The reason that Sae has gone out of his way to purposefully antagonize and harm Rin hadn’t been rooted in a twisted gesture of senseless and borderline-sociopathic sadism… He had simply wanted to find out whether the other would be able to handle criticism, mockery, and deprivation to the same extent that Sae had learned to endure in Spain and that he would have to learn to handle if he wanted any shot at surviving world-class football… But, what he’d found—To his mild dissatisfaction—was that, no; Rin definitely could not handle it.
In all honesty, despite not caring that much to begin with, it was somewhat disappointing—Speaking from the perspective of one football-player evaluating another in a strictly professional manner, of course—that Rin, although having somewhat managed to mimic the apathetic and unbothered facade that Sae had under certain circumstances, still lacked such crucial control over his emotional-state overall. It was one thing to wear the mask of indifference… But those with true emotional-fortitude and apathy didn’t have to act… They simply had such control over themselves and their own reactions that there was no need to faux or ‘play the role’ to begin with.
Truly, it was indeed somewhat of a shame. If Rin could just manage to separate himself from the irrational and helpful unhealthy emotional-attachment that he still inexplicably harbored for Sae, then his true ego and play-style might be given the opportunity to be reborn and flourish, and he might actually become something of a considerably respectable opponent… But, if in the end Rin couldn’t keep up and cracked beneath the pressure, then it didn’t matter much to him.
There were countless young and talented players being created within the world of football each and every day… Some of which, to his mild surprise, actually came from Bluelock. A few individual players had showed genuine potential, the one who stood out the most to him being Isagi Yoichi; From what Sae had observed, Isagi’s ego had been pure and driven solely from the desperate hunger to become a better football-player—A mentality that Rin could honestly benefit to learn-from and adopt. “Hm.” He hummed out with contemplative curiosity, his blank gaze trailing across the uneven patterns and bumps that lined the popcorn-ceiling. “Isagi.” To anyone with a decent pair of functioning scouting-eyes, it would be plain as day that Isagi Yoichi was both the heart and soul of Bluelock- he’d even been the one to awaken Rin’s instinct and inner-ego—If only for a moment—So, maybe that would be the sufficient motive-point that Rin needed to improve and push himself?
From the brief interactions that Sae had observed between the two, he could tell that Isagi treated Rin as a worthy-opponent, threat, and even rival… And, after the words that Sae had carefully hand-picked and calculated with the intent to purposefully spark and instigate the birth of a two-way rivalry between them, he could assume that Rin now most-likely felt the exact same way.
After the U-20 match had finished and he’d walked up to Rin, Sae had been speaking with nothing but the logically-observed truth on tongue… But, it was also true that he had specifically crafted his wording to provoke and set Rin down the path of sparked rivalry; The motivation would be good for the both of the upcoming-players.
Seeing as it had worked quite well the first time around, maybe Sae could monopolize on the already-present anger and most-likely jealousy that Rin harbored for Isagi in attempt to toughen him up rather than just going in with blatant and thoughtless mockery? After all, he would have to get accustomed to pain and humiliation from every-single angle if he wanted to have a chance at surviving world-class football… Meaning that, it would probably be in Rin’s best-interest as an upcoming-player if Sae narrowed his focus onto a more specific pressure-point of sensitive rage rather than spitting random and spontaneous insults.
Humming and mentally formulating the extent of his newfound plan to an almost obsessive degree of precision, Sae flinched and yanked himself from his train-of-thought when the sound of morning-bird’s chirping had startled him; After having checked his phone-clock, he realized that an entire hour-and-a-half had passed since initially having woken up… And he hadn’t slept a wink since then.
He had not anticipated getting so lost in thought—And in regard to something so unrelated and trivial on top of it—and, as per-consequence for his lack of foresight, the strict sleeping-schedule that he prided himself on maintaining would undoubtedly be paying the miserable price for the next few days. “Tch, how lukewarm.”
Notes:
Sae is back to thinking/acting like an emotionally-detached deluded peice of shit again… yay 🥲 (F YOU SAE🤬 WHY DID I WIRTE UPU LIKE THIS 😭💔)
Chapter Text
Rin couldn’t help but still feel a little bit shake from everything that had happened in the tub—And his declining sense of mental-stability in general—but, for the most part, he’d opted to cast the unease aside in favor of focusing all of his attention and dedication into football, as usual. There wasn't much purpose in overthinking or analyzing the situation beyond what he already had, and he had already pushed so far back into the deepest, most lightless depths of his mind that he rarely ever thought about it anymore… At least, that was until Sae had apparently decided that he would keep the ‘cruelty-streak’ going strong and unprovokedly torment him even further.
Identically to the last time that it had happened, Rin had been minding his own business and preparing the dishes and utensils necessary to cook himself a healthy, protein-dense meal that would do well to nourish his body when Sae had chosen to strike without warning. There hadn’t been any warning-signs nor hints that he would attack… He’d simply strolled into the living-room, paused for a few contemplative moments to give Rin a blank and indecipherable glance, and decided that it would be the optimal time to tear Rin’s already-aching heart out and stomp on it until nothing remained but a pathetic pile of useless flesh that served no further purpose. “Training yourself physically won’t make up for the lack of proper motivation.” Sae drawled with flat yet cutting disinterest, the detached cruelty in his blank gaze rivaling that of his voice… And, Rin—In a bitter and twisted sort of way—couldn’t help but be in mild awe—Or maybe it was just another bout of disbelieving, petrified shock—at the way that Sae could spit the most cruel, merciless, and heartbreaking of insults with such a calm and uncaring demeanor.
Feeling a familiar rush of indignation, humiliation, and resentment paired with the almost-exasperation that coursed through him, Rin whipped his head around at record-speed to shoot Sae a heated, irritated glare before turning back to his meal-prep without so much as a single-world response; He felt resolved to not allow himself to get too worked-up… But, of course, Sae just had a special way of pressing at all of his buttons in a way that so cruelly fueled the raging storm of emotion within him with a striking level of efficiency. “Really, it’s no wonder Isagi stole that final goal from you.” He lamented in a way that could almost be perceived as simply speaking aloud… But, they both knew that was not the case; Every single act of cruelty that Sae inflicted upon him was both purposeful and personal. “His ego is much more pure than yours… And I can’t help but wonder how long it will take before he inevitably surpasses you-“
“Alright, what the actual fuck, Sae!?” Rin shouted with unconcealed heat, slamming the meal-prep bowl that he’d been holding down into the counter—Later he would lament on how it had remained in one piece—with a resounding ringing sound that bounced and echoed throughout the entire house before leaving a sharp, tense silence in its wake. Gritting his teeth with so much pressure that he felt his jaw might pop from its socket, Rin turned back around to glare daggers into Sae that he hoped would reflect the absolute hatred flowing through his bloodstream like a riptide. “Do you seriously not having anything fucking better to do? I’m just trying to fucking eat and you come in here and start insulting me for no fucking reason!” He cursed with scalding rage while giving it his utmost best effort to ignore the uncomfortable heat and emotion that pooled behind his stinging gaze—Seriously, since when had he become such a sensitive crybaby? Sae hadn’t even insulted or humiliated him to the extent that he usually did, and yet Rin was almost on the verge of crying like a lukewarm little toddler. “If you think Isagi is so damn great, then why not head over to his house and use your precious time on him instead rather than wasting mine? Since he’s so amazing in your eyes, why don’t you just go recruit him as your little brother and striker instead of bothering me!” He shouted with raw emotion, pouring every last ounce of the rage and hurt that had been simmering and bubbling up within him since Sae had first insulted him—Who was he even trying to kid… More like all the hurt that he’d felt ever since he’d had his heart broken in the snow over a year ago—into his voice.
With a heaving chest brimming with agitation and pain, Rin waited silently for the undoubtedly merciless response that the other had in store for him, his little boat of reprieve rocking and swaying turbulently under the weight of the situation… And, exactly as predicted, Sae did not ‘disappoint’ the standard. “Hm.” He hummed, feigning an expression of genuine contemplation before pointedly meeting Rin’s gaze and nodding with casual disinterest. “Isagi Yoichi would be quite a good little brother and striker to have.” He agreed with such overly-exaggerated nonchalance that it would be obvious to anyone that he’d been speaking with the intent to purposefully hurt… But, Rin didn’t think that even Sae could comprehend the soul-crushing effect that the situation weighed on him with.
To Sae, they were nothing but a few simple and nonchalant words… But, to Rin, they sent his entire world spinning out of control. This time, he didn’t even try to fight it—Not that fighting would have made a difference in the first place—when a wave of pure and dreadful agony crashed through his entire being, suffocating and snuffing out the faint, already barely-viable light that represented his sense-of-identity until almost a pitch-darkness remained.
One of the only things that had helped Rin to cope with the fact that his older-brother no longer loved him was the notion that Sae didn’t really seem to love or care for anything aside from football regardless. The entire concept of family-bonding, forming relationships, and dealing with emotions in general were nothing but a worthless and trivial hindrance to his larger goal of improvement… And, in a shallow sort of way, the knowledge that Sae had stopped caring for everyone—Even their mom and dad had been on the receiving-end of the shift—rather than just him in particular had helped Rin to feel better about both the situation and himself…
But now, with just a few cruel and well-placed words from Sae, everything that he had managed to find even the slightest semblance of solace in had just been forcefully ripped away and stolen from him. Rin had offered it as a mocking and unserious joke, the ‘question’ nothing but a rhetorical suggestion manifested verbally due to the heat and spite of the moment; He had never actually expected for the other to not only consider it legitimately, but also agree with the suggestion being a good idea.
So… Unlike what he’d previously believed to be the truth, the detachment and emotional-apathy that Sae expressed wasn’t due to the fact that he didn’t care about family or relationships in general… It was just that he didn’t care about Rin specifically.
…
…
…
Really, he shouldn’t even be surprised or caught off guard; This shouldn’t be too detrimental when taking into account everything that the other had already put him through… But, there was something about the idea of Sae actively searching for someone else to fill the role of ‘little-brother’ when he couldn’t even be bothered to acknowledge or express even the slightest bit of compassion or affection for the real one standing right before him that just… Broke Rin in a way that couldn’t even be described.
Rather than Rin, the person that he’d spent his entire childhood with, Sae would rather choose Isagi Yoichi to be his little-brother instead?
…
…
…
Maybe Sae only said it because, like the psychopathic sadist that he was, he got a sick and twisted sense of glee from watching Rin squirm with humiliation and agony… But, just the idea that there might be any truth rooted within those cruel and biting words made Rin sick to his stomach with nausea and jealousy.
Not only did he deem Isagi to be a better football-player than him, but Sae also apparently believed the other to be so much more superior to Rin that he'd even declared him to be a better little-brother… And Rin just couldn’t fucking understand it! Was it really because Isagi had managed to steal that final goal from him during the U-20? Was it because Rin was so damn lukewarm and lacking that he couldn’t even see what had caused Sae to be so awestruck with the other!?
…
He had zero clue… And, frankly, right now, he didn't care about it or anything other than removing himself from the situation; He wanted to escape from Sae immediately… So he did just that. Without so much as another word, Rin put the bowl and spoon away, rinsed the fruit he’d been about to peel before putting it back onto the counter, and turned to beeline straight for the upstairs-bathroom, only allowing for the protective-damn to break and the ocean’s-worth of tears to slip free once certain that he wouldn’t whimper loud enough for Sae to somehow hear him breaking-down. “W-why…?” He choked out with a strained rasp, letting his back brace against and slide down the stabilizing doorframe before slumping down to sit on the floor entirely.
No matter the situation, it seemed that everything always came back down to that one-word, simple question, didn't it?
Why did Sae not love him anymore?
Why was he never good enough?
Why did it feel like, no matter what he did, Rin would always arrive right back to the same exact spot? Right back to the frigid, lightless, and isolated ocean’s-worth of pain and suffering- or, well… Nowadays, Rin felt like he never left this place. It felt like this had somehow become the new 24/7 standard that he could never and would never find reprieve from ever again; Fully submerged beneath the metaphorical ocean that represented his own twisted mind, he would remain trapped in an endless cycle, painful cycle of drowning and unwanted revival. “Why… why, why, why!?” He repeated like a bitter and confused mantra, bringing his arms up to wrap around his drawn-close knees in a pitiful attempt at a self-hug.
When they were younger—much, much younger; Rin knew that the other wouldn’t ever be caught dead doing something like that now—Sae used to hug and snuggle him whenever he felt sad or under-the-weather… But, Rin supposed that privilege was now something long-lost on his part, instead reserved for Sae’s precious and brand-new little-brother Isagi Yoichi.
Truthfully and surprisingly, Rin couldn’t bring himself to feel any hate on Isagi’s part- and, Hell… He really couldn’t bring himself to feel anything aside from sheer exhaustion and the weak, silent plea for the pain, loneliness, and never-relenting suffering to just give him a damn break. Just a small, tiny, brief little break was all that he wanted—Anything would suffice—But, at the same time, Rin knew better than to place his well-being into the faith of something as shallow and worthless as a meaningless plea or wish; If he wanted something to change, then he would have to take the situation into his own hands.
He had told himself that he wouldn’t ever do something like this again… That it was a stupid, reckless, and dangerous idea that only offered a few superficial moments of reprieve while simultaneously putting both his health and life in general at risk were he to allow for his concentration to slip for even just a moment… But, he didn’t care much about the danger right now; Rin felt as if he were on the cusp of drowning regardless… So, why not attempt to do some damage-control and pain-mitigation if he were on the razor-edge of losing himself anyways?
Again, it’s not like Rin had any intention of chasing himself any permanent damage… And, with that kept in mind, could dunking and submerging his head beneath water be considered that terrible? People had countless different coping-methods and Rin would argue that, while his chosen one happened to be somewhat pathetic and lukewarm, it was still far more mild and safe than some of the more extreme ones. “It’s not that bad…” He reasoned with himself deludedly, all too aware of the fact that, plagued by desperation and mind-fog, his brain would most-likely feed him any excuse of justification possible if it meant coaxing him to give-in and take the plunge—Literally and metaphorically.
What else could Rin do if not find a way to cope? It was obvious that he couldn’t endure Sae’s torment and mockery through sheer strength of mind and heart… So, what other option did he have left? Wasting precious time crying and wallowing in self-pity because he couldn’t handle the pressure? If that was the only other route available to take, then Rin would eagerly choose pseudo-drowning before that any day of the week.
Snagging and biting down on the sensitive inside of his cheek with his canine-tooth—Yes, in the same spot; Maybe the blood-loss would end up being more dangerous than the half-hearted pseudo-drowning?—to ground himself, Rin shakily pulled himself up to his unstable feet before setting about drawing himself a much anticipated bath; He hadn’t showered or rinsed-off yet… But, he really didn’t care in the slightest.
Gritting his red-stained teeth, Rin spit out a glob of sticky, crimson-red blood into the sink—This had really started to become a bad habit—without washing it down and stripped out of his clothing with record-speed, not hesitating for even a split-second before stumbling into the bath-water “It’s not that bad…” He assured himself with a half-hearted effort one last time…
And, with that, as if weighed-down by a lead-anchor, Rin felt himself sink back down under once again.
Notes:
Sae… SAE YOU DAMN PIECE OF SHIT 😡🔪 WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GOOD BIG-BROTHER ONLY AFTER THINGS ALL GO WRONG IN WAVES CRASHING DOWN 😭🥺🥲 I can’t with him guys- I started re-reading Waves crashing down just for fun/to analyze my own work and I love proective, fluffy Sae SO MUCH… BUT THIS DUMBASS MF IS NOT THAT SAE AND HE NEVER WILL BE BECAUSE RINS GONNA DIE U STUPID ASS Y R U AN ASSHOLE 💀💔‼️🥀 (idk why I’m tweaking when I’m the one who controls what happens 😭)
Chapter Text
Sae honestly hadn’t been expecting that reaction… partly. The initial anger was what he’d been hoping for when he mentioned Isagi, and he’d been certain that he was right to focus on Rin’s rivalry with the other rather than just mocking him without direction or purposeful-intent… But the situation had very-quickly gone downhill and devolved into something Sae hadn’t been anticipating or able to predict.
He’d had stormed off before Sae even had the chance to test-run the newfound method he’d developed to an observable extent—Something that was fairly uncharacteristic of him; He would usually put up a little more of a fight when provoked—and, similarly to how had reacted last time, Rin had made a straight-beeline for the upstairs-bathroom before slamming the door shut with a resounding thump and presumably locking himself in—Sae couldn’t be sure that the other locked himself in seeing as he hadn’t received any direct evidence to support the assumption… But, something in his gut just told him that Rin had gone the extra-mile to put even more distance between the two of them.
He had always known that Rin was emotional—At least, way too emotional to survive and endure the torment that he’d have to deal with to have even the slightest chance at navigating the world of professional-football with his sanity and ego still intact—but, it seemed that today, Sae had struck a particularly sensitive nerve with him… And, while he would normally consider that a good thing—It meant that he was succeeding in his goal of conditioning Rin to toughen-up and ditch the unhealthy attachment that he still inexplicably harbored for him—something wasn’t quite sitting right with Sae right now and he wasn’t sure how to comprehend, process, or approach the foreign sensation; He wasn’t accustomed to the feeling of uncertainty to this extent.
Sae wasn’t exactly sure why, but his subconscious-mind screamed at him that Rin choosing to hide away in the bathroom of all places—And for such exaggeratedly long and drawn-out periods of time—was extremely suspicious and worthy of alarm- and, speaking of time spent locked away, just how much time had passed since their little spat had happened? Almost- what… two hours and he still hadn’t come back downstairs? Was it possible that Rin was just lazing around and waiting for him to leave the living-room area… Or was he actually biding his time with something d-
Wait… Hold on, why should he even care? So what if Rin chose to hide out in the bathroom because he couldn’t handle the pressure… As long as he continued his little side-mission of conditioning Rin and fueling his rage adequately, he didn’t have to worry about anything else; Sae had worked tirelessly to encapsulate himself within the barren, frozen waste-land that was what he considered to be perfect mental-solitude and detachment—His ultimate defense-mechanism and the reason he could remain so cool and level-headed on the field—and he refused to chance ruining said hard-earned apathy and discipline over something so trivial and unimportant.
“Tch… how lukewarm.”
~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Exactly as he’d been dreading, having woken up that night had consequently thrown off his strict sleeping-schedule; With an annoyed hiss, Sae found himself once again awake in the middle of the night with that same strange, itching need to use the bathroom. Over the course of the majority of his lifetime, he had rarely ever found himself needing to use to bathroom in the middle of the night—Could he be drinking too much water before falling asleep?
With a incoherent and grumpy mumble of mild indignation, Sae begrudgingly pulled himself up onto unsteady, exhaustion-fatigued feet before stumbling over in the vague direction of the bathroom—With considerably less feather-light grace than he had the first time, he had to admit—to quickly wrap up his business… But, right as he’d been about to turn the sink-handle and send a spray of tap-water into the usually white-colored basin, that same exact-same flash of unnatural, imposing, and dread-inducing color snagged the attention of his peripherals at the last second.
Blood.
Taking a subconscious step back and away from the intimidating sight—Yes, he found it to be intimidating—he scowled with a conflicting mixture of dread and skepticism. “Okay, what the actual Hell…” There was even more blood there had been the first time—And there had been a lot the first time; An increase was no laughing or insignificant matter—and Sae found that he could no longer pretend to ignore what the strange and unsightly presence of crimson-red blood meant; It didn’t take a genius to decipher the blatant, plain-as-day connection between the amount of time Rin spent alone in the bathroom and the pattern-linked appearance of blood.
Staring at the crimson-red splatter in the sink with a grimace of discomfort, Sae’s stomach curled with something sour and unpleasant that almost caused him to double-over; Having not experienced it for such a prolonged period of time, he found emotional-uncertainty to be sickening. “Damnit…” Call it paranoia- a crack in the detached and apathetic armor that he wore around his heart like a shield… But, right now, his instincts were screaming at him that something was very, very wrong and he refused to ignore them.
With only a few moments of hesitation, Sae slowly and methodically began to rummage through every cabinet, drawer, and compartment in the bathroom, meticulously checking and then double-checking anywhere that Rin could be handing… Something—He refused to actively or consciously acknowledge what that ‘something’ might be until he had direct and concrete evidence. With every sharp or razor-edged object that found at took mental-tally of, Sae felt the knot coiling within his chest pull taught, a feeling that he hadn’t experienced in years rooting itself within his unprepared, emotionally-deprived heart:
Nervousness.
“There’s no way…” He shook his head with conviction and assurance… But, he couldn’t help the way that his mouth and throat went dry and scratchy when he pulled out a small pair of clipping-scissors from the drawer. For whatever reason, staring into the distortedly-reflective, razor-edged pair of dual-knives—Scissors were literally just two knives connected together; Sae found that the newfound only made the implication look worse—under the orangish and somehow ominous glow of the overhead-lighting made the situation feel that much more real and severe; Essentially, Rin had been spending a highly abnormal amount of time alone in the bathroom with a colorful and unique array of knives. “No… There is no way.”
Sae had to be wrong. Rin was the epitome of stubborn, hard-headed, single-minded, and he despised his own weakness with a burning passion; There was absolutely zero chance in hell that he would ever allow himself to succumb to such a lowly and shameful method of coping.
…
But, to be fair, Sae understood what it meant to be on the edge of one’s life-line; After having suffered through the humiliation of ego-death and a crushed dream in Spain when he’d been younger, he’d been willing to do absolutely anything and everything to distract himself from the unbearable shame and defeat. He hated to admit to it ever having happened, and he despised the physical-scarring that would remain carved and engraved into his skin like a life-long reminder and testimony of weakness… But, despite how much he resented his past-self for having been so pitifully weak-minded, it was precisely his own sense of personal-experience and understanding that allowed him to realize that something was not right here…
But, if Sae’s assumptions were correct and weren’t just a byproduct of self-projection and the inability to view the world past his own personal-bias, that begged the question as to why would Rin ever do something so barbaric and severe to himself in the first place? He wasn’t in an environment intense or merciless enough to warrant such behavior- really… Apart from Sae’s purposeful-torment and whatever stress he experienced in Bluelock, Rin seemed to be living a relatively normal and unburdened life.
…
Unless… was it possible that the torment that he purposefully inflicted upon Rin had ended up having that significant of an effect on him? He couldn’t be 100% sure that his assumptions were correct… And, maybe Sae was truly just projecting his own sense of weakness and trauma onto how he perceived Rin… But, regardless of whether or not the complexities of self-introspection were relevant to the situation or not, he could no longer lounge about and continue to ignore this for a single moment longer—His naturally analytical and observation-inclined mind wouldn’t allow him to even if he’d tried.
Sae couldn’t continue to sit around and watch as his little-brother what-could-be a potentially world-class destroyed himself.
Notes:
That little bit of sensibility that Sae starts to grow around this point in the story makes me EXTRA frustrated now knowing that nothing will ever come from it… Good job, Sae, it took THIS much for you to realize that Rin’s suffering, and yet you’ll be too late regardless 🙄💔
Chapter Text
Something in Rin just felt… Hollow.
Maybe it could be attributed to the continuous periods where he subjected himself to oxygen-deprivation—There was no way that such a thing wasn’t frying and damaging his brain in some way—but, honestly… If that did turn out to be the case, he didn’t really care that much regardless. Dangerous and potentially-lethal or not, Rin had already fallen into the self-destructive habit- no… impulse of submerging himself beneath the water almost every single day; At this point, nothing would be able to deter him.
Luckily and in an unexpected turn of events, Sae had apparently decided to grace him with the small ‘mercy’ of momentarily halting his unprovoked verbal-assaults—For now; He could still decide to strike at any given time for literally zero reason other than ‘he felt like it’—giving Rin an ample amount of room and time to focus solely on going through the motion of training and conditioning himself… But, that didn’t make Sae’s presence any less obvious- actually… If anything, despite the newfound still silence, it almost seemed to get even more suffocating and intense as the next few days marched on.
Sae’s frosty yet alert gaze would stick to him like glue to paper whenever they happened to be within vicinity of eachother… And, for some reason, Rin couldn’t help but feel on-edge; It felt as if Sae were some sort of ever-present predator stalking him from the underbrush with an almost unnatural amount of unwavering focus. To describe the new odd and inexplicable ‘dynamic’ that had developed between them as merely strange or unsettling would be an understatement… But, despite how uncomfortable the situation had become, Rin still gave his best attempt at ‘coping’—By coping he meant oxygen-deprivation and pseudo-drowning; fun.
Truthfully, it had started to become a little bit concerning and alarming just how much his brain had come to crave, anticipate, and feen for the twistedly-comforting sensation. Rin would be seized by spontaneous and random cravings so intense that they distracted him from whatever current objective or task he happened to be in the midst of; While robotically moving through his morning football-routine at the field, one of said ‘urges’ had taken him by surprise without warning, causing him to trip over his own mid-step foot. He had just barely managed to catch and brace himself on his forearm, sparing himself the pain and shameful humiliation of a full on face-plant… But, even still, he had—For some strange reason that he couldn’t quite decipher at the moment—opted to lay still and unmoving against the painted turf for the better-half of an hour before finding the will to get up and head home.
On some subconscious level—And conscious, realistically—Rin knew that something was wrong. He knew that this—Whatever the Hell that was happening to him—was far from normal… But, he just couldn’t find the energy or will-of-mind to care. It took almost every last ounce of willpower and mental-strength just to drag himself out of bed each morning; Nothing sparked any type of genuine motivation or passion within him anymore, so it wasn’t that surprising that he couldn’t find the desire to deal with the train-wreck that was this.
Who cared if a part of Rin withered and died every time that he caved and resorted to relying on his newfound self-destructive coping-mechanism? He would do anything necessary to calm—Or, at the very least, just manage—the raging storm of unbearable pain and emotion that swirled within him; Rin couldn’t care less if finding reprieve meant sacrificing a part of his soul to the Grim reaper himself each time.
The second Rin had made it home and stepped through the living-room threshold, he felt his mood plummet from bad to worse when—To no one’s surprise—he found none other than Itoshi Sae casually lounging about on the couch as if he owned the place. As usual, Sae said nothing to him, opting to simply stare with that same frosty, almost predatory gaze… But, his presence alone was enough to make Rin feel like absolute shit regardless so, as soon as he’d finished stuffing his football-bag into the storage-closet, he made a beeline straight for the bathroom; His mind practically buzzed with the excitement of knowing that he would soon be receiving his much-anticipated fix—God, Rin now operated on the same level as a legitimate drug-addict; Good thing he didn’t care anymore.
Exactly as he’d imagined, the satisfying burning pain that grew to engulf and consume his entire sense of perception felt amazing. The sensation somehow gave him the impression of isolation… But, not in a bad way; Down beneath the surface of the water, Rin felt freed and unshackled from every source of anxiety that would otherwise plague him 24/7. Here, he didn't have to stress-out about Sae’s cruelty, his parent’s negligence, or the expectation and unrealistic standard that he imposed upon himself… But, unfortunately, he couldn’t remain within the safety of his little underwater-paradise indefinitely.
Despite the fact that Rin had slowly been taking longer and longer to resurface for oxygen—Hed been getting progressively more desensitized to the pain, meaning that he had to increase the intensity level via ‘time spent under’—he did still have a limit that he could not afford to strain; Pushing himself too far could result in death—He refused to die in a goddamn bathtub. “Hmph.” Grumbling with frustration and disappointment, Rin begrudgingly tore himself away from the now-cold water of the tub, already dreading the notion that he would soon be forced to return to reality- “ouch!” He hissed with startled surprise halfway through removing himself from the bathtub, frowning and rubbing at the strange, red-hued rash-looking discoloration that had appeared on his wrist. “Tch, what the hell?” He clicked his tongue with agitation, pausing with momentary confusion for around a minute before the puzzle-piece clicked into place; He must’ve scraped up the skin of his wrist when saving himself from that almost severe fall in the field earlier. “Great, now I’ll have to deal with this bullshit for the next few days.” He groaned with exasperation, silently cursing at his past-self for having been so clumsy and distracted.
After stretching and picking at the already-aggiated and rug-burned skin on his wrist for a little while—Don’t ask him why he did it; He wouldn’t be able to answer even if he’d wanted to—before moving to finish drying and clothing himself, a twisted and morbid sense of hollow satisfaction rushed through him as he stared at his ragged-looking reflection in the dim-lit mirror; Having received his ‘fix’—He literally was an addict at this point—Rin found that he felt ‘better’—In quotation; He wasn’t sure if the superficial distraction that his newfound coping-mechanism offered him could truly be considered as an actual emotion improvement—but… because nothing could ever remain in his favor for more than a teasing moment-or-two, the small amount of reprieve that he’d just-barely managed to get for himself did not last long.
After half-heartedly going through the motion of tidying up his disheveled hair—And just exhausted-looking appearance in general—until he deemed himself somewhat presentable, Rin carefully began to descend back down the stairway, trying his very-best to ignore the lightheadedness and fatigue that plagued him as he did—It seemed that the little underwater-excursions that he subjected his straining body to were already beginning to take their toll on his physical-wellbeing. After a minute-or-so of standing at the base of the staircase in an attempt to steady himself and find both mental and physical stabilization, Rin eventually made his way into the living-room, taken aback and not at all expecting to find Sae still in it. “Shit…” He hissed almost inaudibly through gritted teeth, willing for his startled and now-racing heart to relax.
Why the Hell had Sae not left to go up to the guest-room yet?
Going wide-eyed, Rin took a side-glance at the microwave-clock, his chest coiling with confusion and discomfort when he read 7:02 PM; Sae maintained a very strict schedule that usually demanded that he be settled-down and in bed by this time… So, why the hell was the bastard still in the living-room!? It didn’t look like Sae was actively doing anything other than sitting there, so why the actual fuck had he not clocked-in for bed yet!?—Could it be doing it solely to torment and mess with him even further?
Not even bothering to hide the blatant and bitter scowl that twisted at his expression, Rin shot the other the nastiest, most venom-filled glare possible. He had hoped that it would signal to Sae that he was not wanted in the living-room at the moment—Or ever, realistically—but, being the inconsiderate and ever-uncaring piece of literal trash that he was, Sae didn't even seem to notice the pointed warning being aimed in his direction—Not that he would comply even if he had seen it—but… whatever; As long as he didn’t attack or make an attempt at starting something, Rin would—For the most part—be able to ignore him.
Consciously choosing to regress into a state of mindless-autopilot, Rin went about retrieving the utensils and dishware that he would need to prepare himself dinner, only pausing midway to scratch and pick at the agitated skin that would occasionally flare-up with the desire to be etched beneath his hoodie-sleeve—This damn rash would probably be bothering him for the rest of the day, at the very least—and, for whatever luckily reason, Sae had chosen that exact moment to get up and leave. From sitting-down with utter stillness, he had leapt up to his feet and beelined straight for the staircase with so much rushed-insistence that Rin would have been a little-bit shocked to see had he not been so damn exhausted and lethargic; He felt much too drained to care much about anything other than celebrating the fact that Sae had left and taken his unsettling and soul-piercing gaze with him—Seriously, what the Hell kind of problem did the guy have; Why did it feel as if he were watching Rin with exaggerated precision as of lately?
With a shake of the head, Rin made the active choice to file the situation into the back of his mind—He would like to be able to tell himself that he would get to addressing and analyzing the situation in greater detail later… But that would be a lie; Again, he felt way too tired and fatigued to care about anything. “Whatever.” He murmured to himself with a half-hearted shrug, deciding to simply warm up leftover-food from last night; He couldn’t find the motive to cook himself something brand-new. After watching the microwave-timer tick down second-by-second as if ensnared within some type of hypnotized-trance, Rin stumbled his way to the dinning-room table with all the grace of a broken, almost lost-looking teenage boy, preparing himself to eat the still-cold and borderline-gross leftover omelet that he’d ‘prepared’ for himself… But, when the sound of frantic and chaotic shuffling sounded from what he assumed to be the upstairs-bathroom, he paused, unable to stop himself from silently questioning what the actual Hell Sae could be doing up there. “What the hell is that idiot even doing?” Rin clicked his tongue with exasperation, annoyance, and even a little bit of curiosity… But, like many other things, he didn’t really have it in him to actually go and check it out; If Sae had—For some inexplicable reason—decided to make a mess, then Rin could just clean it up—Or possibly just leave it there seeing as it wasn’t even his mess to begin with—during his next ‘bathing’ session.
Grimacing when another whiff of the food that he’d warm-up caught his attention, he turned back down to gaze at the omelet with disgust. Truthfully, despite having exhausted himself and burned an excess-amount of calories during his football-training earlier, Rin didn't feel like eating; Lately, his appetite had been dwindling—To the extent that he almost completely ignored hunger-cues in general—but, he knew that if he didn’t force himself to eat, he would undoubtedly suffer for it in the long-term. Swallowing the borderline-nausea that had taken root in the back of his throat, Rin scooped-up a bite-size spoonful of egg and had been just a mere second away from eating it before the sight of Sae returning to the living-room caused him to freeze with a mixture of confusion, anxiety, and dread. For a terrifying second, he’d been certain that the other would try to start something again… But, after proceeding to burn a hole into Rin’s very soul with that same unbelievably piercing turquoise-colored gaze, he turned on his heel and left without another word—Sae got weird and weirder by the day.
“Fucking weirdo.” Rin cursed with exasperation, sighing and shaking his head before re-focusing his attention to the foot before him—He still didn't want to eat it. He wouldn’t even try to decipher whatever the Hell that had been or what could’ve possibly been going through Sae’s mind…
After all, it would only be a lost cause.
Notes:
It’s been a long week guys sorry for the constantly spaced out posts… sch**l is KILLING me rn 😭💔 since a 3 day weekend is coming up for me soon, hoping to knock out chapters consistently 🙏🤩
+ guys… Seeing Rin slowly but surely spiraling into depression in every greater detail while KNOWING that he’s gonna die is literally KILLING me 💔🥀
Chapter Text
Sae could not figure this out and it was driving him insane. He would usually consider himself a man of rational and calculating intelligence—To the point that he actually took pride in it—which meant that the still unsolved mystery surrounding Rin and the blood that occasionally appeared in the sink-basin was really starting to take its toll on his psyche.
Almost every-single night since he’d seen the blood make an appearance for the second time, Sae had made a habitual-routine of periodically heading upstairs to check the bathroom just in case Rin had happened to leave any more… But, much to his frustration, he hadn’t found any sort of clue, hint, or piece of evidence to aid his personal-investigation; It seemed that Rin had either stopped injuring himself—If he even had been doing it purposefully to begin with; Sae still couldn’t be 100% sure without direct concrete-evidence—or might’ve created the habit of washing the blood-splatter residue down the drain—He hoped that it was not the latter.
Truthfully, Sae had, for a moment, almost been convinced that this entire situation could be chalked-up to paranoia and that the other really had just gotten injured and left the blood by accident… At least, that was until he caught Rin scowling and rubbing at his wrist through his hoodie and- hold on… now that he thought about it, despite that observation alone being a cause for alarm, Sae couldn’t help but lament over the fact that Rin never seemed to take off his hoodie anymore; On top of being fixated on his wrist of all places—An optimal spot to inflict self-harm—he also never wore anything too revealing or bare around the arm-area.
…
That had been the last straw for him; The second that he’d observed the suspicious amount of fixation that Rin had on his wrist, Sae didn't even care to maintain or upkeep the nonchalant-facade. By the time Rin had fidgeted and rubbed at the exact same spot on his wrist for the fifth time in a row—Enough times to be acknowledged and scientifically-labeled as a pattern—Sae had leapt from the couch—Literally; He quite literally leapt up—and hurried up to the bathroom in record-speed, frantically searching for blood or just anything that caused alarm in general.
The day following the second appearance of the blood in the sink, Sae had crept into the bathroom to carefully and meticulously arrange any object that he deemed sharp or potentially-dangerous into a very specific pattern that only he would recognize; If Rin had or were to touch anything, then he would know- and, yes… Logically, Sae knew that the other could just end up using the razor or clipping-scissors for something normal—They were common bathroom-appliances, afterall—but, he would still like to know regardless. After eyeballing and mentally-measuring the exact placement of each item—The system that he’d created for doing such without a ruler of tape-measure bordered on manic and obsessive—Sae was startled to find that nothing had changed in the slightest?
Rather than be stained crimson-red with blood, the spotless sink-basin retained its signature sterile-white color; There wasn’t even any sign of leftover water-residue or wetness lining the ceramic either, meaning that any potential staining couldn’t have been recently washed away or purposefully disposed of. “… Tch.” Sae clicked his tongue with exasperation, bringing a hand up to his right-temple to apply pressure when he felt the pressure-like pain of an oncoming headache—Or maybe even a migraine; This situation alone had single-handedly spiked his cortisol-level in a way that nothing else had managed to in over a year.
Gritting and grinding his teeth together for a moment, Sae scrambled to piece-together any logical conclusion that would work to explain all the pieces of damning-evidence that he’d uncovered surrounding Rin and the situation… But, identical to every other time he'd made an attempt at pondering, he couldn’t formulate anything that felt logical and realistic enough to encapsulate everything; Any time he found himself coming close to something that might fit, it always failed to account for a certain piece of evidence. “Godamnit.”
Everything about the predicament was driving Sae insane; Both the fact that he couldn’t get a stable-enough read on Rin and the situation to form a solid conclusion and take the appropriate following action, and also the fact that he was getting so riled and bothered up to begin with. Without doubt, Rin had talent and might one day be able to become a respectable striker, but there were countless people like him being created and discovered almost every day—He shouldn’t be concerning himself over specifically Rin to this extent—and yet, Sae had still gone completely out of his way to not only spend his own personal time-off with him to check-up on his progress, but had also reserved a countless amount of time contemplating, crafting, and meticulously calculating a plan to prepare him for world-class football.
Sae was supposed to be focusing solely on himself and his own motivation while leaving Rin to develop a sense of self-sufficient independence and ‘thick-skin’ on his own… And yet, look at the almost-laughable situation he’d gotten himself into; Unable to smother the inexplicable sense of anxiety-ridden dread that had somehow managed to slip through the crack in his mask and penetrate the heart of the frigid and otherwise-barren wasteland of detached and apathetic ice that he’d spent so long creating for himself. “Lukewarm.” Sae hissed at himself with cold self-disgust, somewhat taken aback by the extent of the genuine frustration that jolted through him; Feeling in such a raw and unsurpassable way felt foreign and startling. “Tch, Just forget about it…” He chided through gritted teeth, resenting the fact that he had allowed himself to slip-up to the point that he needed verbal-discipline to begin with. “Don’t ever think about it or him ever again. Just forget it all.”
…
…
…
But Sae couldn’t just ‘forget about it’! If moving-on and detaching himself from the situation and these dreadful emotions were as easy and straightforward as he’d like it to be, then he wouldn’t be having to stress-out over this goddamn problem in the first place!
Realistically, If Sae wanted to tackle the source of the problem in a straightforward manner, he could technically just be blunt and upfront with the other via direct confrontation… But, he knew that if he did go with that route, Rin could potentially get the wrong impression that he could start latching into and expecting the same amount of love and attention that he’d received from Sae when they were little; They couldn’t ever return to that dynamic—The cruel complexities of life and sacrifice wouldn’t allow it—and Sae really did not want to deal with the hassle of potentially undoing all of the long-cultivated work and effort that he’d put in to maintain the emotional-distance between them.
He could demand that Rin give him an explanation… But, if it did turn out that Sae had been correct in his assumption, then there would be no way for him to reasonably justify his meddling without letting in to the fact that he was indeed worried—Not about Rin personally, of course; He simply felt pained by the idea of potentially losing a somewhat-promising football-player to such a trivial situation.
It’s not like the extent of his anxiety, turmoil, and just overall discomfort went beyond that.
…
…
…
Whatever… Moving on.
By now, Sae understood that, if he wanted to put the situation to rest and get back on track, he would have to walk the tight-rope that was the delicate balance between straightforward confrontation, and inconspicuous prodding. From what he had observed, it seemed that provoking Rin had been the catalyst for this entire situation to begin with… So, as logic stood, if Sae wanted to recreate the environment required for his observation, then he would simply have to provoke the other to the point of snapping and pay extra close attention to his behavior for the hour-or-so following; Essentially, he would run through a factual-based experiment.
Now, If Sae’s method of research proved to be efficient, then he would have either found an inconspicuous and nonchalant way to ‘stumble upon’ Rin during the act of self-harm and then promptly confront him about it right there and then… Or, his initial assumption would be proven wrong and he would be able to put the exhausting ordeal to rest without further contemplation or hindrance; Regardless of which outcome unfolded, he would finally be able to put his stressed-out mind to rest.
If it did turn out that everything that he had been assuming from the start turned out to be correct and that Rin was indeed resorting to a method of self-harm, then Sae knew that purposefully provoking the other to the point of forced-relapse might not be the best thing to subject him to… But, if he didn't acquire an answer to his question soon and by any method necessary, then life would once again force them to separate before any preventative action could be taken- and, again… Sae didn’t personally care whether or not Rin engaged in such a self-destructive coping-mechanism… He just- it would just make sense to… suggest an alternative method to help Rin deal with the problem in a way that didn't involve self-harm; It would bring Sae much-need peace of mind to know that the somewhat-decent talent that Rin possessed wouldn’t become waste potential—Speaking from the perspective of solely football, of course.
…
…
…
That was all.
Notes:
Sae… SAE 🔪 REWRITING YOU OLD DELUDED ASSHOLE-SELF IS SO DAMN EXHAUSTING WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SWIMMING IN DENILE WHILE YOUR LITTLE-BROTHER IS ✨LITERALLY✨ TRYING TO ‼️DROWN‼️ HIMSELF YOU STUPID MOTHEHFIKAKKDJJZJ
👁️👄👁️
I have a lot of feelings fam… and Sae AINT MAKING THEM BETTER RN- like, ik that I write him and am in full-control of everything that he says, thinks, and does… But, when I write it almost feels as if he’s his own sentient being making his own choices and I’m just the medium 😐 idk… is that weird or is it just a writer thing? 😭🤷♀️
Chapter 10: Walking The Edge
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rin didn’t know what the actual Hell was happening to him… But, as per consequence and side-effect of whatever it was, he felt far too tired and apathetic in regard to his own potential plight to care; Investigation required effort… And he couldn’t be bothered to expend any at the moment. With each passing day- no, screw that… With each mere ever-marching hour that passed, Rin felt the already-flimsy grasp that he just-barely managed to retain on reality slipping further and further away from him; He felt lethargic to an extent that he had never before felt in his life—Not even the agonizing month that followed that soul-crushing night in the snow with Sae had ruined him to this extent. Nothing managed to ignite even the slightest lingering echo of passion or excitement within him anymore; Football, watching horror-films, listening to music, reading manga, playing video-games… Every single beloved-hobby that he once found enjoyment in felt dull and uninteresting, almost as if the bright and exciting spark of colorful essence that they once harbored had been drained, leaving behind nothing but an empty husk of long-dead meaning.
Lost amidst a horizon-swallowing sea of hollow-meaning with a long-dead sense of identity and purpose, Rin could do nothing but drift aimlessly along with the tide of swirling emotion, hoping and praying that whatever final-destination the ocean had planned for him wouldn’t result in him being swallowed and laid-to-rest in the abyss for all of eternity.
How ironic that could do nothing other than plead for the mercy of an unyielding-destruction fueled by nothing but his own mind; Rin had no strength, no will-power, no motivation… He had nothing. The only coping-mechanism that he’d developed could arguably be considered just as—If not even more—destructive and painful as the original thing that he’d created it to escape from… And, he knew that if something didn’t change, one or the other would be the final-blow that whisked what remained of him away—Whether that ‘final-blow’ be the metaphorical drowning or the physical one, it wouldn’t make much difference in the end.
Rin felt like a hollow-shell masquerading as something ‘playing the part’ of a human-being. He’d become a creature with no true purpose or drive to do anything beyond droning through the almost-robotic routine that he still maintained due to drilled-in habit; Eat—Despite the fact that it felt nauseating and borderline pointless—‘bathe’, and sleep—He wouldn’t describe the restless and patchy rest-scheduled that he’d come to develop as genuine sleep; He spent the majority of the night awake, mourning the loss of an older-brother who used to love him and life that he’d once found joy in.
In more than just one aspect, Rin felt so damn exhausted- almost to the point of ditching the last remaining aspects of his already-scattered and patched-together routine… But, alas, old habits died hard. Even when he felt both the physical and mental anguish that weighed-down on him 24/7 made him wish that he’d never woken up to begin with settled in the moment he’d cracked open his sleep-crusted eyes, Rin—Fueled by pure instinct and habitual-drive—forced himself to stumble out of bed, brush his teeth, and go through his morning yoga-routine with all the sentience of a walking corpse.
Rin didn't even blink when he walked into the dimly lit, almost grayish-hued living-room—The recent spike in humidity and overcast had cast the world into a monotone spectrum of gray and sterile-white—to find Sae already awake and eating breakfast at the table—He had long grown to expect the other’s pain-inducing presence without question—nor did he flinch or even really react when that cold, soul-piercing turquoise gaze burned a hole through him as he went about preparing himself a meal of his own—Sae could stare and judge as much as he wanted; Rin couldn’t even bring himself to feel self-conscious at this point.
Like he’d mentioned earlier, the concept of eating felt repulsive and nauseating… And, not just because Rin couldn’t be bothered to cook himself fresh breakfast and was still surviving on the questionable-looking scraps of potentially-dangerous reheated leftovers, but simply because the whole ordeal of eating and sustaining himself in general felt like a hassle… But, whatever. If Rin didn't force himself to consume sustenance, then he would die… And he didn't want something like that to happen, did he?
…
…
…
The small part of his brain that apparently still had the remaining willpower to give a damn about anything screamed and protested that Sae was still sat down at the dinner-table and most-likely still would be by the time Rin himself finished ‘meal-prepping’—Reheating those aforementioned disgusting leftovers—and took a seat of his own… But, the rest of him—The vast majority; Something like 99%—didn’t give a singular fuck about Sae or what he chose to do anymore- and, wow… For the first time ever, Rin found that the realization wasn't just some deluded, denial-rooted coping-mechanism that he’d crafted to convince himself that he no longer cared about what Sae thought, but was actually the truth this time around.
It would have been amusing and satisfying—In a bitter sort of way—to have achieved this level of freedom if the emotion that Rin had previously felt with such intensity—Such as rage, resentment, spite, and pride; All that remained were lingering-echoes and brief passing flickers—hadn’t faded away into the dull, washed-out ebb-and-flow that it had. Before all of this had started—His slow yet steady deterioration and drawn-out plight—Rin had spent so much time and effort trying to convince himself that he didn't want, need or love Sae anymore… Which is why he found it quite ironic and almost laughable that he’d inadvertently managed to achieve that mindset without even having been aware. The sensation of unshackled freedom that he’d spent so much time and effort chasing had essentially fallen into his lap without him even having realized it; Rin had won.
…
…
…
But… could the price sacrificed for such a victory be considered worth-while? He felt like a hollow shell devoid of anything and everything that made him Itoshi Rin… But, maybe in order to separate himself from the omnipresent-shadow that was The Itoshi Sae, he just had to give up and forsake his sense of identity as a whole? After all, Rin couldn’t compare himself or be compared to Sae—Or anyone for that matter; Isagi came to mind—if he didn't even exist… right?—Twisted, irrational, and borderline-manic logic… But, to him, it sounded foolproof and definite; He chose to indulge in the senseless conclusion.
…
Wow… After all this time, after every-single grief-filled night and moment of emotional-confliction that he’d gone through… Rin had finally done it; He had finally achieved victory—Of course, not in the exact sense that he’d been hoping for seeing as this win hadn’t involved crushing Sae like he’d originally been planning… But, he supposed that, at this point, he should be grateful for any small win that he could scrounge up.
In truth, Rin didn't feel different or satisfied; Despite internally counting the situation as a victory, he did not feel the smug satisfaction and sense of accomplishment that would usually befall a winner… But, whatever—‘Whatever’ seemed to be becoming his new life-motto. The bitter and somewhat-conflicted feeling that came with this was nothing more than a passing, unstable wave of straggling emotion that hadn’t yet succumb to Rin’s new way of life yet—Dull, empty, and utterly motionless—so he simply opened to cast it aside and narrow all that remained of his dissociated-focus back onto the pathetic excuse of a ‘meal’ that lay plated before him—How strange; Rin couldn't recall the memory of taking his ‘food’ out of the microwave or even having sat himself down at the table.
Exactly as he had predicted—Not that it had been a feat of great puzzle-solving to begin with—Sae, being the ever-slow and meticulous eater that he had always been, still remained at the dinner table even after had taken his own seat… And it wasn’t long before Rin felt his body prickle with chicken-skin; With that ever-anticipated turquoise-blue gaze, Sae stared at him with such insistence that he almost felt inclined to believe that the other wanted to be acknowledged and engaged with… But, even if that did turn out to be the case, he didn’t care enough to comply or entertain it.
The ‘food’ that he forced himself to chew and swallow with robot-like movement was objectively disgusting; Apparently, reheating two day old chicken didn't make for the most gourmet meal—Shocker—but… Rin found himself too apathetic and dissociated from his sense-of-taste to acknowledge the repulsive texture of the ‘food’ that much, meaning that he didn't even realize he’d finished when he’d scooped the last bite of abnormally-squishy chicken and rice into his mouth and swallowed.
After his metal-fork scraped against the ceramic of the now-empty plate with a disturbing screeching sound, Rin paused and took way too long to register the blatant lack of ‘food’; He felt exhausted—Had he mentioned that yet?—and it felt as if someone had tuned his brain to be on a five second delay. “Oh.” He breathed out with dumbfounded realization, somewhat startled that it had taken him so long to comprehend such a simple notion… And, now that he thought about it, seeing as he felt so damn fatigued and unmotivated, maybe Rin should just skip his football-routine today? There wouldn’t be much harm in missing it just once; He could just make up for it tomorrow by pushing himself twice as hard.
…
Or not; Technically he didn't have to ‘make up for it’ tomorrow, the next day, or ever.
The idea of improving at football—Something that used to ignite a flaring passion within Rin—becoming the best striker, or just attempting to do anything that required him to get out of his bed sounded like way too much of an exhausting and pointless hassle. Maybe he should consider taking a soothing ‘bath’ to clear his mind, then spend the rest of the day- no, break- no… The rest of his life in bed; That sounded much more appealing than training.
Doing anything other than laying in bed would be a pointless waste of time that would only serve to drain him even further… Like talking; A useless, unproductive activity that brought nothing but pain and humilating… Which was quite unfortunate seeing as Sae seemed to be making an attempt at speaking to him at this very moment.
After having dealt with another five second brain-lag, he somehow managed to collect his scattered and fragmented focus just enough to realize that Sae was speaking to him; Based on the way he was staring, he must’ve been trying to catch Rin’s attention for a little while now. “Huh?” He mumbled with untrying incomprehension, not even caring about how idiotic and slow he must’ve looked or the impatience that seemed to flare in Sae’s gaze when Rin regarded him. “Were you saying something to me?”
Taking an almost imperceptible breath and reeling in his impatience, Sae simply stared at him for a moment before lazily raising an eyebrow, his expression once again settling into detachment and apathy—Rin felt that he had begun to both understand and align with Sae’s penchant for uncaring disinterest; The ‘not caring’ lifestyle had really started to grow on and appeal to him. “I just couldn’t help but mention how slow you eat. It’s a waste of time… Especially considering that you need all the time that you can get if you ever hope to amount to anything not completely worthless in terms of football.” Sae drawled with a frigid and nonchalant shrug and, if it were any other day, Rin might have been seized by a rush of rage or humiliation that the other had dared to say such a cruel thing for no reason… But, today, he didn’t.
Blinking and taking a moment to process and comprehend the attack, Rin found that he felt nothing; No heated and humiliated surge of rage, offense, or indignation… Literally nothing. Gaping at Sae with a gaze so apathetic and detached that it rivaled his, Rin simply shrugged and nodded. “Okay.” He acknowledged with a dull hum, his expression zombie-like and motionless… But, to his misfortune—What else was new?—Sae didn't seem to get the memo that Rin no longer cared about anything; He still felt the need to push on even more.
“If you're trying to mimic my attitude, then you should know it’s a pathetic and unconvincing emulation. Everyone already knows that you can’t control your temper, Rin.” This time, his drawl betrayed a little bit more insistence and edge; Sae seemed to be getting frustrated.
“Yeah.” Rin agreed without hesitation, mindlessly scraping the prong of his metal-fork at the empty plate; He wasn’t quite sure why he did so considering the noise that the motion created sounded abhorrent.
“You know… You’re pathetic in comparison to Isagi. I have no doubt that he will surpass you- no… that he already has surpassed you and that he’ll become the best striker in the world.”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll never become the best striker in the world or even amount to anything halfway decent with such mediocre talent… It's disgusting how worthless you are.”
“Yeah.”
“Sometimes I wish Isagi had been born as my little-brother instead of you so that I could actually have someone to be proud of.”
…
…
…
Rin didn't care about much of anything anymore… But even that one still managed to hurt. “Yeah.” He agreed with a trembling bottom-lip, allowing for his metal-fork to fall out of his now-limp hand with an obnoxious clatter. Despite it being painful and startling to hear for the second time, this wasn’t a surprise; Of course Sae would prefer to have someone like Isagi for a little-brother rather than him… Even Rin himself couldn’t help but agree with the sentiment.
In comparison to Isagi, Rin really was a pathetic and useless excuse for a little-brother; Could he really even fault Sae for despising him so much? Rin would probably hate and abandon himself too if he had to be an older-brother to someone as shameful and worthless as what he’d allowed himself to become- or… Maybe he had always been this pathetic and unlikable even since childhood; Sae could have harbored resentment and distaste for him long before he’d begun to outwardly express it.
…
…
…
For the first time in a long time, a small dabble of non-monotone color seemed to splash into and illuminate Rin’s grayscale-world… A pain-inducing color that represented everything that he both despised and mourned:
Turquoise.
The color that both he and Sae had shared since birth; It was a genetic reminder of brotherhood and kinship that had been bestowed upon them… But, Rin didn’t have a doubt in his mind that Sae would rather share that color with anyone else in the world other than him.
…
…
…
For an inexplicable reason, Sae had deemed the torture-session to be enough. He immediately fell silent and motionless, his turquoise gaze tracking Rin as he got up without another word, rinsed-off and put his plate into the dishwasher, and walked out of the living-room; His destination should be more than predictable.
This process had become something like second-nature to Rin at this point; An instinctive and intuitive ritual.
Step one: Draw himself a bath.
Step two: Take off his clothing.
Step Three: Submerge himself beneath the water on repeat for two hours.
Step Four: Get out of the water before he ended up drowning himself for real.
Step Five: Chew on the inside of his cheek and spit it out into the sink-basin—Though, this step in particular was an optional one that he only added when he felt extra miserable; Today warranted it.
Step Six: Exit the bathroom feeling even more hollow and depressed than before.
…
…
…
Rin was really tired… Had he mentioned that yet?
Notes:
Omfg- guys… I forgot how AWFUL Rin had it in the earlier chapters! He’s so damn broken and it hurts my heart 💔 I think this was the peak of his depression—before the big night actually happens—and I’m already SUFFERING 😫🥺
Sae…
👁️/👄\👁️🔪
Ik ur broken and traumatized to, but what the actual fudge is wrong with you 🙄(again I’m speaking as if I don’t control him and everything that happens 😭)
Chapter 11: Wrong…?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Sae wouldn’t lie to himself- no… He couldn’t lie to himself; Seeing Rin—Someone who already seemed exhausted beyond description—looking to be on the verge of crying after what he’d said made Sae’s stomach churn with something that he hadn’t felt in a long time:
Guilt.
Sae had long ago decimated his capacity to feel depthful emotion; The isolated and sterile-white landscape of barren snow that he’d encapsulated his heart within served to be a mechanism of self-defense that he’d grown to find comfort and familiarity from… But, as it turned out, even someone as frigid and apathetic as himself had a limit. Logically, he understood that everything that he’d said—And had been saying this entire time—had been crafted with the intent to help and motivate Rin… But, his heart—As frozen and detached as it had become—understood no such logic or ration; Sae couldn’t recall having ever spoken with such unreserved and merciless cruelty before, and it made him feel sick with himself in a way that he didn't even know was possible…
But, he could ponder this entire ordeal and what he perceived to be a sign of his impenetrable-mask cracking later. Sae had managed to push Rin to the point of retreating to the bathroom, meaning that staying focused and remaining attentive for the next few hours would be crucial if he wanted to execute the plan without flaw and succeed in putting an end to everything.
From what he had managed to observe, Rin would usually spend around an hour or two in the bathroom—If Sae’s assumption turned out to be correct, then he dreaded to see the extent of the physical-damage inflicted; Self-harming for such an exaggerated amount of time would not leave a pretty mark—which meant that, while he did still have an ample amount of time—If pattern held true and reliable—he should still choose to play it safe by springing into action without hesitation or delay… But, he found that he couldn’t quite convince his body to move on immediate-command. “Damnit.” Sae muttered to himself with frustration, pressing his mouth into a thin line and willing for the slight tremor that wracked his entire body to dissipate—It seemed that the guilt from having gone so far had taken a greater toll that he’d realized.
Swallowing with an audible gulp, Sae released a long, drawn-out breath… Then another, then another, then another. He repeated the breathing-excise until he’d managed to stabilize his fluttering heart and quell the trembling to a manageable degree. “Get yourself together.” Sae chided through gritted teeth, pulling himself up to his feet and—After having stumbled and almost tripped; The trembling hadn’t left him entirely—disposing of his still almost-full plate of food—The uncomfortable anticipation that came with putting the initial-phase of his plan into action hadn’t left much room for appetite—before strolling up the stairs with as much nonchalance as he could faux—It wasn’t much; How could he remain casual in the midst of such a situation?
Somewhere between almost having tripped and making his way up the staircase, Sae had concluded that he would simply make-up the excuse that he wanted to bathe and was waiting for Rin to wrap-up in the bathroom—Despite there being two bathrooms in the house, only the hallway-one had an actual tub. There were many faults to such a rushed and mediocre excuse… But, seeing as Rin seemed to be somewhat-dazed and not in the mood to speak, Sae hoped that it would suffice just enough to give him the chance to pull everything off without a hitch.
Right on cue—Almost exactly on the two-hour-point down to the second; Sae had been anxiously checking the time and counting-down with enough precision to know this—shuffling and movement could be heard from behind the bathroom-door, the noise quickly followed by the sight of an exhausted, miserable-looking Rin stepping outside. “Hm?” He frowned and blinked a little after having realized that he wasn’t alone in the hallway… But, other than that, he didn’t react to Sae in the slightest—Alike how he had reacted to the purposeful torment earlier, this behavior was not normal; He would usually scowl, glare, and just display defiance and distaste at any given opportunity.
Without so much as a single word or glance of acknowledgement, Rin stumbled past him and descended the staircase with all the enthusiasm of a walking-corpse… But, despite the fact that his apathetic and alarming-inducing behavior did not do much to give Sae hope for the eventual outcome of his experiment, he supposed that not being questioned or met with skepticism would be a convenience; He could simply observe and make his analysis without hindrance now. “I swear… If this lukewarm kid is just taking stupidly long baths-” Sae began with exasperation… But, he almost immediately snapped his mouth shut with a resounding clack when the familiar, dreaded sight of crimson-red staining the sink-basin sent a shiver of mortification down his spine. “Blood.” He exhaled, gulping with audible tension before creeping further into the bathroom to check if any of the sharp objects had been misplaced, and…
“Fuck.” A razor had been moved. It would be imperceptible to anyone not keeping a mental-tab on it… But, to Sae, the slight displacement screamed at him as if it were a rotating neon-sign in the middle of a pitch-black field.
Now, if there hadn’t been any blood in the sink, then Sae might’ve felt inclined to assume that Rin had been using the razor for a normal purpose… But, the blood, the razor, and the way he kept rubbing and fixating at the skin beneath his hoodie-sleeve paired with the fact that this pattern repeated anytime Rin felt overwhelmed or provoked? Yeah… Only an absolute idiot wouldn’t piece the situation together with such straightforward evidence; Rin was self-harming and Sae would be damned if he continued to ignore it for even just a moment longer.
He hadn’t been prepared for the frigid rush of raw dread that seized his heart with the grip-strength of a vice, nor the instinctual surge of emotion that demanded that he march into the living-room and confront Rin head-on… And, in truth, it felt overwhelming in a way that nothing else could compare to. Going from the emotional-detachment and general apathy that he sported on the regular to suddenly being plunged head-first into the unforgiving depths of dread and fear felt like the equivalent of an ice-plunge; Sae’s nervous-system felt so stunned and shell-shocked that, for a moment, he couldn’t bring himself to move… But, after having somehow managed to regain his balance—Both physical and mental—he bolted from the bathroom, his heart-rate hit a new record-speed as he practically launched himself down the staircase. “RIN!” He roared with unrestrained emotion, the sheer volume of the shout tugging and straining at his vocal-chords; Sae couldn’t even remember the last time that he’d gotten worked-up enough to yell at someone. “Rin! Where the hell are you!?” Now that he thought about it, when had been the last time that Sae had gotten this emotional? Being humiliated and crushed by his ‘teammates’ in Spain might’ve been the runner-up… But, even the anger and pain of that experience didn’t hold a candle to raw fear coursing through him right now.
With a heaving chest that felt knotted enough to restrict oxygen-flow, Sae stormed down into the living-room, his gaze locking in on a dazed, exhausted-looking Rin who barely even seemed to register or acknowledge his presence. “Rin, stay still.” He commanded with a voice so stern and chiding that it rivaled steel, his body subconsciously shifting into flight-or-flight mode when the demand prompted a certain level of hesitant defiance to cross Rin’s previously-sluggish expression; It seemed that doing this in a gentle and peaceful manner wouldn’t cut it.
“What…?” Rin questioned, his skeptical gaze narrowing with indignation; He could probably feel the underlying accusation aimed at him. “What are you- hey! Hey what the fuck!?” Rin gasped with indignation and startlement when Sae lunged forward and attempted to yank down his hoodie-sleeve without warning. “Sae!? Hey- hey! What the actual fuck is wrong with you!? Get off of me you crazy freak!” Rin screeched with desperate protest, flailing at sparing no strength when attempting to shove him away.
“Stop moving, Rin!” Sae snapped back with an equal amount of indignation and frustration, the unguarded emotion and anger that surged through his voice seeming to startle the other to the point of faltering for a split-second; That small window-of-opportunity had been all that Sae need to get a firm grip on Rin in a way that blocked him from escape. “I know what you’re doing to yourself, so stop trying to hide it!” With the accusation, Rin’s expression faltered and morphed into one that could be the textbook picture-example of guilt; This confirmed everything that Sae had been fearing.
This entire time… Rin had been cutting himself.
…
…
…
Sae wouldn’t let this go- no, he could not let this go even if he’d wanted to; He refused to sit back and do nothing with the knowledge that his little-brother a promising striker had resorted to such a thing as cutting himself while they were living under the same damn roof! “You… you fucking lukewarm idiot!” Sae spat without reservation, the rage and hurt—wait, hurt? It hurt him to know that Rin had started cutting himself?—climbing closer and closer to tipping-point each time Rin tried to flail and protest against him.
“What the Hell… what the Hell are you even talking about!? Get the fuck away from me you damn psychopath!” Rin shouted with a rage-filled gaze, putting up a commendable struggle… But, in the end, despite being a little bit taller, he still lacked the age, experience, and physical-development that gave Sae the upper-hand in the midst of a brawl—Plus, the injuries that he’d been inflicting on himself wouldn’t do well for his stamina or strength. “Ack!? Sae!” Rin shrieked and gasped when Sae managed to knock him off balance and pin him to the ground.
“Stop fighting it, Rin.” Sae commanded without warmth as he maneuvered the still-squirming and flailing Rin into a position where he could check under his hoodie-sleeve while still keeping him subdued… But, when he caught a glimpse of the other’s genuinely terror-stricken expression—Did he believe himself to be in actual danger right now?—Sae couldn’t help the split-second falter in vigilance… And that moment of hesitation had been all that Rin needed to reclaim the upper-hand.
With a starting amount of strength, determination and coordination, Rin yanked at his right-arm while sweeping his opposite leg with a well-placed kick to the knee—That would bruise—effectively switching their positions and pinning Sae to the floor instead. “You…” Rin fumed, his chest heaving and gaze sharpening with a sudden rage so intense and pointed that it managed to startle Sae’s little bit. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you!?” He roared with a heat so scalding that it would intimidate most people… But, Sae refused to let his focus scatter any more than it already had.
“More like what the fuck is wrong with you, Rin!” He snarked back with all the warmth of a polar ice-cap, the uncharacteristic display of attitude paired with the fact that Sae had actually cursed only causing Rin’s outward-rage to tenfold—Y’know what? Good; Sae would happily put up with any emotion that the other had to offer as long as it wasn’t that dull, zombie-like behavior from earlier. “I already told you, didn’t I? I know what you’ve been doing in the bathroom, so stop trying to fight against and deny it and just let me see before it can get any worse, you lukewarm bastard!”
Similar to earlier, Rin’s expression paled and contorted into one of guilt and shame… But, it also betrayed a hint of genuine hesitation when the second-half of Sae’s accusation and demand seemed to register. “See? What the hell do you mean that you want to ‘see’?” Rin spat with a potent amount of venom… But, his gaze faltered with a certain-level of innocence and confusion that Sae would have seen if he hadn’t been so overwhelmed by adrenaline and unfaltering-conviction—Too bad; If he hadn’t been so blinded and short-sighted at that very moment, then everything might’ve been different.
“Don’t play dumb with me.” Sae scoffed with impatience, taking full-advantage of the brief second that Rin faltered to sweep and wrestle him back down onto the ground, stealing back the upper-hand for good this time. “Just stop fighting it already, Rin. This is going to happen whether you like it or not, so just make it easier for the both of us by cooperating.” He sighed with a mixture of exasperation and physical exhaustion as he once again set to the task of pinning Rin in a way that he wouldn’t be able to escape when Sae finally managed to reveal what disfigured mess might be beneath his hoodie-sleeve.
As he struggled through the process of restraining the other, Sae’s heart thumped so insistently that he feared it might tear a hole through his knotted-chest; This sensation wasn't just because of the physical-exertion either. “Tch.” Ignoring all of the spite-filled curses and insults aimed in his direction, he eventually managed to pin Rin in a way that he wouldn’t be able to wriggle and gain any leeway even if he were to flail in a blind-panic.
Sae could hear nothing except for the sound of blood roaring when his trembling grasp found the sleeve-cuff of Rin’s hoodie and began to slide it down to expose the skin—He worked with an uncharacteristic amount of gentleness; He could not afford to risk agitating the wounded skin with any further rough-treatment… Especially considering that their scuffle and blind-brawl had probably already caused Rin to re-injure himself to a horrific extent.
Sae felt his stomach churn with discomfort and borderline-nausea when his mind offered up mental-images of what he imagined would be hiding underneath Rin’s sleeve; When taking into account how much time he spent in the bathroom during this past week alone, just how awful had it become?
Sae himself had been ‘lucky’—In quotation because the term ‘luck’ only applied when looking on the bright-side; It was 100% not lucky that he’d at some point found himself so deep into the midst of depression that he’d resorted to self-harm to begin with—that he’d been caught early and had been thoroughly pumped full of antidepressants long before he’d had the chance to truly cut and scar his own body to a disfiguring extent… But, what about Rin? He lived alone and, as far as Sae knew, didn't have any friends or visitors stopping by to take-care or check-in on him… Which meant that nobody would have been around to prevent him from doing such an awful thing to himself.
Just how long had this been going on for? Had Rin really only discovered self-harm as a method of coping as of recent, or could this have been going on for years without anyone realizing? How bad would the skin beneath his sleeve be marked-up and sliced? How deep did he drag the blade? How often did he do it? Had Rin ever gone so far as to consider making a vertical cut through his major-artery rather than a horizontal one?
For a brief moment, Sae found himself petrified under the weight of the countless agonizing and borderline-torturous questions and ‘what-if’s that raged through his mind in a violent whirlwind… But, with the knowledge that each and every one would ultimately be answered when he lifted Rin’s sleeve, he forced himself to focus and grit through the uncertainty.
Despite the fact that Sae had spent a shamefully drawn-out amount of time mulling and sorting through his mind—He should just be honest; He’d been stalling because he’d been terrified of what he might find—Rin hadn’t once lessened the intensity at that which he cursed and attempt to escape with… And Sae realized that, if he didn't work-up the courage to get this over with now, there was no telling how much more time he had before the other managed to break-free and slip away.
Steeling himself for the worst, Sae willed himself to keep his eyes open as he slowly slid the cuff of Rin’s right hoodie-sleeve down—the one he’d been rubbing—and what he found was…
Nothing?
…
…
…
There was absolutely nothing.
Notes:
Guys… Rin dying is so much closer than I actually realized 😭💔💀 ITS HAPPENING SO SOON ☹️🥺 IM LITERALLY GOIJG TO SPEND TIME STUDYING THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF AND PSYCHOLOGICAL BEHAVIORS OF SOMEONE GRIEVING JUST FOR YOU ALL TO GET THE BEST ANGST POSSIBLE 🫵💋
Chapter 12: Point of No Return
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rin’s chest heaved with a level of exhaustion and fatigue that he hadn’t felt for a while—Courtesy of his newfound preference to do nothing and not train—but, rather than be from the physical-exertion he’d just expended, it sourced more so from the swirling mixture of uncertainty, indignation, and humiliation that crashed through him like a tidal-wave as Sae went about immobilizing him
Rin didn’t understand why or how this situation had come to be, nor what the other kept demanding to ‘see’ and ‘be shown’. For a split-second, he had almost been convinced that Sae had somehow managed to find out about the little ‘underwater-adventures’ that he took in the bathtub… But, that didn't make much sense when taking into account the specific verbiage that he’d used to confront Rin with—One couldn’t ’see’ evidence of suffocation; It seemed that Sae had reached the conclusion that something else had been happening in the bathroom.
In truth, he felt startled; Sae hadn’t expressed so much blatant emotion in years—Or, well… Ever; Even in childhood, he had never lost his cool to this extent—and Rin had zero clue as to what he’d done to be on the receiving end of it. He knew that Sae hated and despised his existence to the point of being disgusted… But, seriously? This entire time, Rin had done nothing but mind his own business and endure tormenting that Sae had battered him with… So, what could he have done wrong to deserve whatever the Hell was happening right now?
What could Rin have possibly done to prompt the apathetic, emotionless-mask that was The Itoshi Sae to lash-out at him in such a violent way- and, even better question… What the actual Hell was he planning to do to Rin right now!?
Was it possible that Sae… was actually about to hurt him?
…
…
…
It almost felt funny, in a morbid sort of way. If someone were to ask Rin’s past-self from just a mere few years ago that exact question, then he would scoff and resent whoever had dared to even suggest that his precious Ni-Chan would ever be capable of laying a finger on him with the intent to cause purposeful harm… But, as it turned out, a lot could change in such a short time; Here Rin’s current-self stood, overcome with fear and uncertainty that his ‘older-brother’ might be planning to hurt him.
Despite being exhausted and fatigued for multiple reasons, Rin never let up; He cursed, kicked, and flailed with every remaining ounce of physical-strength that he could muster… But, something within him seemed to crumble and succumb to the tide when his mind began to acknowledge the fact that Sae truly seemed to resent and despise Rin to the point of wanting to cause him physical-harm…
At least, that was until he caught glimpse of something that he would have never expected; Beyond the initial layer of anger that sheened over Sae’s wide-eyed turquoise-gaze, there resided an emotion that Rin didn't even realize the other still had to capacity to experience:
Sae looked concerned… And that alone was enough to shell-shock and stun Rin down to his core. First and foremost, he almost couldn’t believe that Sae could still feel and express a positive emotion beyond apathetic-nonchalance… But also that said tender emotion seemed to be both caused and directed at Rin of all people?
The startling revelation caused him to falter, his resolve to fight against the other’s grip lessening ever so slightly; For the first time in a long time, Rin felt a flicker of genuine hope bloom within his yearning heart… But, in what felt like a sucker-punch to the gut, Sae’s expression almost immediately turned dark and sour with anger right after he’d managed to finish what he’d been attempting to accomplish—Of course it had just been a trick of Rin’s desperate mind; There was zero chance that Sae could ever reserve such a loving emotion for someone like him
“What…” Sae breathed out through gritted and bared teeth, his gaze going wide before sharpening with a mixture of confusion and impatience as he yanked down the cuff of Rin’s hoodie-sleeve and exposed the skin of his bare wrist—Seriously, this made zero sense. “No… this is- give me your other wrist right now!” He demanded, his agitated expression only contorting even further when, after having managed to expose Rin’s other wrist—The psychotic bastard had manhandled him to do so!—he still didn't find whatever the Hell he was searching for. “What the fuck.” He cursed with disbelief and frustration, his frigid, yet still-panicked gaze flaring when he met Rin’s own. “Where the Hell are they then!?” He seethed with unconcealed anger and accusation, bringing a hand up to start… feeling at Rin’s arms?—What the actual fuck; Was this supposed to be a pat-down or what!? “Where are you hiding them!?”
“Hiding what- stop! Stop it right now! What… WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME RIGHT NOW YOU PSYCHOPATH!” Rin shrieked without restraint, the anger and humiliation that had been swelling and building-up within him like an incoming tsunami-wave reaching its peak; The crashing-destruction of the impact and break invigorated him with the sudden burst of strength and willpower required to throw Sae off of him for good. “ Just get- get the Hell away from me!” He snarled with bared-teeth… But, he imagined that it didn't quite retain the level of threat and intimidation that he’d been hoping for; The sight of him scrambling and backing himself against the wall in an attempt to guard from Sae probably looked pathetic and the opposite of fierce. “What the Hell… WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DAMN PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!?” Rin sobbed—Yes, sobbed; In such a terrifying and pain-inducing situation, he couldn’t help but cry—trying and failing to suppress the fresh wave of fear and humiliation that crashed through him.
Finally having managed to recover from the shell-shocked stupor that he’d been in after having been out-maneuvered, Sae’s expression twisted into one of rage so potent that Rin dared say could rival his own in intensity. Slowly and without once breaking eye-contact, Sae pulled himself up to his feet and began to stalk closer to him; A predator hunting and closing-in on the helpless prey. “Rin…” He began without even an ounce of warmth, his sharp and relentless gaze paired with the fact that he had managed to corner him sending a bone-deep shiver of fear down Rin's spine. “Do not lie to me. Tell me what you’ve been doing and why you’ve been spending so much time in the bathroom this past week.” The quiet razor-edge in his voice could slice through steel; He seemed to be daring Rin to lie to him.
Scowling as he pressed his back against the wall with even more desperate insistence and curled up into a pitiful self-hug, Rin allowed every-last remnant of the blackened, bitter poison that pumped through his bloodstream to pour out into the vicious, hateful response he snarked back with; It managed to catch them both off-guard. “I’ve been taking goddamn baths, okay!? What- am I not allowed to take those anymore? Do you find me so pathetic and unworthy that you think that I’m not even deserving of having a little bit of privacy and alone-time in my own fucking house!?” It wasn’t the full-truth… But, it also wasn’t a lie; Rin had been spending the time in the bathtub, he just hadn’t specified the extent of why or what he did in it- and, besides… He didn’t even understand why Sae gave a damn about such a trivial thing to begin with.?
To no one’s surprise, Sae did not seem to be pleased with his answer. “I told you not to lie to me, Rin…” He began with an ominous and foreboding tone. “If you’re that adamant about being difficult and refusing the chance that I’m giving you, then just now that, if you don’t tell me the truth, I will personally check every last inch of your skin for those fucking cuts!” He growled, his posture stiffening as if he were a split-second away from launching at Rin and making good on his threat; He sounded serious.
“BUT IM NOT FUCKING LYING!” Rin protested with desperation and indignation, hugging himself even tighter as he began to rock back and fourth; His heart and mind ached for any coping-mechanism that would lessen the pain. “I- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!” Rin didn't understand what was happening and it scared him; He just wanted Sae to leave him alone! He just wanted to escape from the pain!
Cuts? What the Hell was Sae trying to get at right now- and, better question, why; What was his—no doubt cruel and twisted—motive for doing all of this anyways? All Rin had ever wanted was to be left alone to his solitude; He understood that Sae resented him, but he had tried so damn hard to stay out of the way the entire time, so why… Why and what could he have done to make his older-brother despise him to the point of wanting to cause him pain and suffering!?
What had Rin done to deserve this!?
“I warned you what would happen if you lied again!” Sae hissed, ignoring the desperate cries of fearful protest that sounded from Rin when he began to stalk even closer. “I saw the blood in the sink, and I know that you’ve been touching the razor! Do you think I’m a fucking idiot? I know that you’ve been cutting yourself!” He accused and, if Rin had been in a state of mind even the slightest bit more stable than ‘fucking terrified’, then he might have caught the desperate fear that strained Sae’s voice… But, as fate had it, he did not—What a shame; Another opportunity that could have changed everything wasted and overlooked.
“I’M NOT CUTTING MYSELF!” Rin cried out with protest, a mixture of humiliation and indignation welling up within him at the accusation; He wasn’t that pathetic- or, okay… He did technically participate in self-harm—in a sense—but his methods of doing so were still mild in comparison to what Sae was accusing him of! He would never allow himself to resort to such a shameful and lukewarm thing!!!
“LIAR!” Sae countered with just as much—If not even more; That was saying a lot—force, the sudden realization that he’d never heard the other yell to this extent startling Rin. On occasion during their childhood years, Sae had gotten upset enough for the emotion to shine through in his voice, but he’d never yelled in such a raw and guttural manner before; Fitting that it would be Rin to draw such a negative thing out of him.
“NO I’M NOT! I’M- no… no, stop it! DON’T YOU DARE COME ANY CLOSER TO ME!” He screamed with instinctive terror when Sae closed the distance between them even more; It seemed that he had gotten tired of arguing. “EVEN IF I HAD BEEN, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN CARE!? YOU HATE ME!” It had been a last-ditch effort fueled by nothing but the panic and anguish that Rin had been bottling up deep within himself all this time… But, regardless, it had done the trick; Sae faltered
“I…” Freezing in position, Sae’s expression cycled-through an array of different emotions before eventually returning back to that apathetic and disinterested expression that Rin had grown so expectant of… But, the blatant emotional-weight straining his gaze paired with the fact that he’d just been screaming his head off a mere moment ago didn't quite sell the illusion that Sae had probably been aiming for. “You’re right. I do hate you.” He managed after an extremely awkward, drawn-out delay… But, it was too late; The small, abused part of Rin that still had the naive capacity to hope that his older-brother—Even if just a small, minuscule fraction of him—still cared about him even a little stirred.
“T-THEN WHY THE FUCK WON’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!?” He sobbed and stuttered out, a cacophonous hurricane of emotion surging and manifesting within his desperate, strained question… But, in that overwhelming and confusing rush, there resided something else; Something that Rin had felt a brief flicker of earlier but had smothered before it had been allowed to flourish:
Hope.
Hope that, maybe- just fucking maybe, he might still have the privilege of witnessing even just a brief and passing flicker of the previous, loving older-brother that he so deeply cherished and missed; The one who had raised, nurtured, and protect him for the majority of his young life…
But, as the ancient saying went: ‘History will always repeat itself.’
Every. Single. Time.
“Fuck…” Sae cursed through gritted teeth, that same seething, deep-rooted anger and frustration seeping back into his voice and turning it bitter and resentful. “There’s no fucking reason for me to care about someone as lukewarm as you… fuck!” He growled with something like disbelief and, for a moment, it almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself rather than just Rin… But, what he said next decimated any and all hope that he might have had in regard to his older-brother still caring for him at all. “God- It’s so fucking stupid! It would have been so much easier for me if I didn't have to worry about you- if I had never had to worry about you to begin with… Damnit- EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER FOR ME IF YOU’D JUST NEVER BEEN BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!”
…
…
…
Oh.
The storm, the towering waves, the unbearable current of emotion that flowed through and eroded him from the inside-out seemed to climax, growing and building to record-height… And, as Rin’s heart-rate quickened and grew in parallel with everything else, he found himself terrified of what would happen next. It felt that, any second now, he would burst at the already-thinning seams and spill-forth every single thought, emotion, and impulse that had been gradually swelling up within him since day one; With each passing moment, it grew stronger, and stronger, and stronger, and then…
Nothing.
Just like that, it had all stopped within an instant, leaving nothing behind but a monotone silence that felt sharp enough to slice through Rin’s very being without challenge. The feeling that settled within him wasn’t the desperate, agonizing sorrow that would usually accompany him whenever his emotions were pushed to their absolute limit, no… This time, right before the wave had peaked- right before Rin had been on the verge of being swallowed whole by its cresting impact, it had just…
Vanished.
Something strange and foreign had taken root within Rin’s heart—At least, in whatever shattered and shapeless fragments that had managed to survive of it—the moment that cold, twisted declaration had left Sae’s mouth; Something startling similar to acceptance… Except, this time, Rin could tell that there was something dreadful wrong with it and himself.
This feeling wasn’t the kind of acceptance that one would usually consider a relief or peaceful end to torment, nor did it in any way resemble the colorful, intimate memories that he had of Sae comforting him through childhood-turmoil with those nostalgic blue-colored ice-creams that would always end up melting onto his hand and leaving it coated with syrup; Back then, finding acceptance meant having his beloved Ni-Chan walking side-by-side with him—Both in a physical and metaphorical sense—until the stinging, crushing weight of whatever it was that plagued him dispersed.
Whatever this feeling was, it was not that.
…
Really, in a morbid sort of way, it was almost laughably ironic how everything had ended up playing-out; Sae used to smother Rin with such an abundance of love that he felt as if he were drowning in it—And he would’ve been willing to, aswell; He would have been at peace if he were to take his final breath bathed in the love and affection that that his older-brother’s presence used to invoke—But now, in a cruel twist of fate, Sae’s very existence had, in Rin’s perspective, become the personification of actual drowning—Speaking within the context of pain.
The acceptance that coursed through Rin as what-used to be his precious Ni-Chan struck the final-blow, just felt… Hollow. Essentially, both his heart, mind, and spirit had reached a point of giving up; A point of no return.
He felt no anger, no sorrow, no hurt…
Nothing.
Notes:
I don’t even know what to say anymore… reliving this with the knowledge that he’ll never receive the comfort or opportunity to heal literally makes my heart ache with pain 💔
Sae… SAE YOU BASTARD! 🔪 Y’know, in waves crashing down, I actually internally forgave Sae for a lot of the things that he had said and done… But, what he said in this one specifically was never one I could move-on from. He was literally so mean in this one 🥺
Chapter 13: What Could Happen?
Notes:
GUYS! NEW CONTENT FINALLY! Half of this chapter is relatively the same as Waves crashing Down, but the second-half is NEW AU TERRITORY!!! ✨🤩
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The second the words had left his mouth- no, scratch that… As the words had been leaving his mouth, Sae had regretted them. Despite every purposeful insult he’d subjected Rin to in the past, Sae realized that, in that very moment, he had spat what was perhaps the worst thing that he’d ever said to anyone in his entire life—That was saying a lot for someone like him—and, it seemed that Rin understood this too; His expression was nothing short of heart-wrenching and hollow.
It wasn’t even the choice of wording itself that made what he’d just done so terrible—It did contribute, though; It had been nothing short of inhumane—but the way he’d said it and the intent that he had for doing so. Before today, Sae had never once insulted Rin for the sole intent of releasing his anger; He had never once spoken in such a cruel manner without methodical intent and planned-out calculation.
Maybe it had been the ruthless combination of frustration from having misread Rin’s situation to such a laughable degree—He didn’t have any self-harm scars; Sae had just been being paranoid—the shame and humiliation from having caused such a scene, and just the sheer weight of having to endure and process emotions that he had believed to be long dead… But, Sae knew that, regardless of any excuse he could create, he had allowed himself to get too caught-up in the heat of the moment. He had failed to reign-in his irrationality and ended up taking everything way too far… And, what made the situation even worse, was that a part of him had truly meant what he’d said; Maintaining his apathetic lifestyle would have been so much easier if he’d never been burdened with having loved Rin during childhood to begin with.
Sae just couldn’t understand why it seemed that, no matter how hard he tried to separate and detach himself from Rin, his stupid and irrational heart continued to yearn for the sentiment that it still harbored? Whether it be going out of his way to condition the other for world-class football, gaslighting himself into believing that he had chosen to spend break at home under the guise of ‘monitoring Rin’s progress’ when, in reality, he had just wanted to spend time with him, or just the fact that he could not get the bastard off of his mind… Sae had, in fact, not been able to detach himself at all.
He had thought that he’d rid himself of all emotion long-ago, meaning that he shouldn’t care… But, the fact that his heart and mind were waging internal-war against each other was testament enough that he had not been as successful as he’d believed; Sae didn't think that someone who was emotionally-detached would be getting this worked-up and stressed on behalf of their relationship with another… And he hated it.
Every string of rational and logic agreed with and reinforced the fact that the two of them separating from each other would be optimal and beneficial to both parties; Rin would finally have the opportunity to develop his individuality and let his true football-ego flourish, and Sae would be forever freed from the curse that was caring about another… Which is why, no matter how intensely every nerve and instinct within his being screamed and begged for him to take it all back or—at the very least—apologize for his erratic and pointless cruelty, he refused to listen.
Even when a rigid, suffocating silence settled between them, Sae made no move to speak or explain himself… And, eventually, it wasn’t long before Rin pulled himself up to his feet, paused to give him one final—final; Sae would soon be able to understand and grasp the true weight of this word soon—dull, emotionless glance, and simply… walked away; He said nothing else.
…
…
…
For a little while, Sae just stood there, frozen in place with a downcast gaze and slumped shoulders that betrayed his guilt, listening to the sound of Rin’s increasingly distant footsteps echoing through the hallway—Had this house always felt so empty and silent?
Maybe… It was for the better that everything had turned out this way in the end. By now, Sae had to admit that he himself was far too weak to sever the final tie holding their relationship together that had somehow managed to endure through all of the pain and torment… So, maybe in doing this- maybe in allowing Rin to walk away with a heart damaged beyond repair, he would be doing the both of them a favor; Sae was too weak to have self-restraint and mental-discipline, which meant that he would have to set them up for a situation that would allow for Rin to cut the final weary, straining threat that remained of their fragmented bond.
…
…
…
“It’s better this way…” Sae told himself with a thin-pressed mouth, flinching when the sound of a bedroom door clicking shut rang and bounced through the house with a startling amount of definition. “Well both be better off…”
That’s what he told himself… That’s what he told himself over, and over, and over again. It was what he told himself when he sat down on the couch to soothe the bone-deep exhaustion and headache that began to throb stab at his temple, it was what he told himself when an hour passed and he had to force himself to get up and prepare himself a meal—Was Rin hungry? He hadn’t seemed to be eating very much these past few days—it was what what he told himself when another few hours passed and the illuminating light of the sun faded into an eerie, foreboding twilight—He couldn’t be bothered to turn on the lights—that set his already-frayed and on-edged nerves alight with anxiety. “It’s better this way.” What was that, the hundredth time that he’d repeated those same empty, hollow words out loud? “It’s better this way… it’s-“ Sae’s voice cracked and he didn't even try to fight it when his body slumped backwards onto the couch with defeat and mental-resignation. “Whatever.”
‘Whatever… Yes, that’s what he needed; Like in all other times of mental-crisis or stupor, Sae just had to suppress all of the emotions raging through him back into the familiar, convenient little bottle and bury it so far down that the light of day wouldn’t ever be able to reach it again. If it was truly ‘better this way’, then it was high time that Sae started acting like it. He had pulled himself out of stupors far worse than this before, and he had already wasted enough time moping; It was obvious that what he had done to Rin was irreversible and that whatever remained of the fragile bond they once shared had been shattered by those cruel and hurtful words… So what use did Sae have in continuing to wallow in such a pitiful and unproductive manner?
What had to be done was done; Sae had no further use for something as trivial as emotions and would be better off just forgetting about everything to do with Rin-
WHOOSH!
THUMP!
“What- Rin?” Sae startled and gasped when a familiar silhouette stopped with dark-green hair rushed past the corner of his peripheral-vision just as the sound of the front door swinging open and slamming shut bounced through the house with a scattered echo. “Rin?” He called out again, his mind flaring with discomfort when the only reply he received was that of the disarming, rhythmic drumming of rain-droplets pelting the window—At some point during his brooding, it had begun to rain. “Rin?” He tried one more time, his chest tightening with jitteriness when, once again, the only thing that paid him any answer was the sound and vibration of a sudden, powerful gust of wind howling whipping against the house with enough force to rattle it.
Had Rin… left the house- and at this hour no less? It was nothing short of pitch-black outside, and the steadily intensifying trickle of rain paired with the piercingly sharp gusts of wind that periodically howled in the distance were a pretty plain-as-day indication that a vicious storm was brewing; Anyone going outside wouldn’t even be able to see anything more than ten feet ahead of them at most.
…
Sae couldn’t just let him leave in the middle of the night in a storm, could he? Something had to be wrong; He didn't care if his instincts had led him astray the first time, nor if continuing to interfere would only worsen the shame and humiliation that he’d brought upon himself today… because there was no way in Hell that his skin would be standing prickling with such intense warning if something wasn’t wrong. He had to get moving; he had to find and reach Rin just in case-
RING RING RING; The sound of his phone ringing with an incoming call.
…
…
…
“Tch.” He clicked his tongue, his nose crinkling with disgust when he realized that he didn't know the number; Rejected. It was no doubt just a generated call-bot trying to scam him-
RING RING RING; The sound of his phone ringing again with an incoming call from the exact same number immediately after having rejected it the first time.
“Dumb shit… Fuck off.” Sae cursed through gritted teeth, flicking at the bright-red ‘ignore-call’ button with too much force before blocking the number and silencing his phone without a second-thought—There it went; The last chance that the two of them might’ve had to change the course of fate, gone and ignored alongside the rest. “Don’t have time for this crap.” He growled with impatience, rushing up to the guest-room and rummaging through his suitcase in search of a suitable coat that would protect him from the storm… But, as if struck by some kind of invisible, out-of-body force, he froze halfway through fitting one on, his mind screeching to a sudden halt when a small, but insistent voice pierced through the haze of panic and resolve:
‘Why should you go? If you were serious about moving on from him, then you wouldn’t care.’
…
…
…
That’s right… If Sae was serious about detaching himself from the other and his emotional-turmoil to the extent that he’d just resolved himself to do less than five minutes ago, then he shouldn't go- and, to be fair… Just because Rin had chosen to leave at such a peculiar time didn’t mean that something was afoot or that anything bad would happen, did it? “What’s the worst that could happen?” Sae murmured to himself in a daze-like trance, his body, as if possessed, working on autopilot to remove and re-stuff the coat he’d been just about to put on back into his suitcase. “I shouldn’t care either way.” Tonight alone, he had already caused the both of them enough stress and humiliation for a lifetime by meddling; interfering now would alone cause more conflict and pain, and Sae could not afford to risk the chance that his weak state-of-mind ended up caving and ruining the opportunity that they had to fully detach from each other.
Besides… What was the very-worst that could possibly happen? As he’d come to learn—With much humiliation and error—Rin hadn’t been cutting himself like he’d thought; Paranoia and overreaction at this point would be baseless and rooted in irritation. At most, Rin had probably just, in moment of emotional-charge and flusteredness, made the impulsive and uncalculated decision to put distance between himself and Sae through any means possible; Chance is that he would do one of three different things: One, run around without direction for a little while before getting put-off by the harsh weather-conditions and returning home, two, find shelter somewhere else, or three, just… remain outside—Even if he did choose the latter, it’s not like that warranted much alarm; A little bit of rain and a somewhat-chilly night wouldn’t kill him.
To get to the point, Rin should be perfectly fine regardless of whatever he chose to do; He would just take some time to cool-off and come back later or tomorrow, no doubt with that same deep-set scowl of resentment that would signal that everything was back to normal—Apart from their fight and now even worse bond. “He’ll be fine.” With hindsight and a now somewhat still state-of-mind, Sae realized that the dread and pressing-urge that he felt to chase after Rin had simply been a manifestation of his own emotional-charge and guilt; After having his first assumption disproven, it was obvious that his instincts couldn’t be trusted as logical or accurate… right?
…
“Tch, of course it’s not accurate.” Sae chided himself when a few too many beats of mental-silence and uncertainty passed; Unless he wanted to damage the frigid, apathetic mask he’d worked so hard to maintain even further, he couldn’t allow himself to fall back down into the pit-trap that was being blinded by emotion and gut-feelings.
Gritting his teeth and pressing his mouth into a thin line, Sae froze for just a split-second more, the ominous cacophony of gusting wind and rain causing him to falter one last time with uncertainty and hesitation… But, with one final well-placed reminder that he shouldn’t care regardless—A thought that he would soon come to believe had been orchestrated by the Devil himself—Sae clenched his trembling-fists, let out a drawn-out huff, and shook his head with finalized decision; He would not be chasing after Rin.
Re-zipping his suitcase with pointed insistence, Sae marched downstairs, didn’t even glance at the front door, and flicked off the singular yellow-cast lamp that had been turned-on before marching right back up into the guest-bedroom and slamming the door shut behind him; He would not allow doubt to taint his resolve and hard work… Which is why when he flicked off the overhead light to cast the room into blue-tinted darkness, settled his exhausted self into bed, and shifted the blanket to his liking, he ignored and rejected the feeling of dread and panic that welled up within him when a distant crack of thunder followed by a flash of lightning split the sky—Not without a lot of conscious effort though; Despite it being irrational and rooted in impractical-bias, Sae’s discomfort and jitteriness would not go down without a fight.
…
…
…
What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen?
Notes:
Okay, I know this turn of events may not be what u guys from Waves Crashing Down were expecting… but, here’s my ✨Vision✨. Obviously since Rin’s gonna die in this fic and there WONT be a emotional-growth process in the sense of them reconciling, I wanted to have Sae discover Rin’s death in a more startling and ‘out of nowhere’ sort of way. I feel like putting him through the whole chase/trying to rescue Rin scene would kind of rush the whole process and make it feel less surreal for him since he directly experienced the trauma/understood the consequences of his actions in a very tangible and physical way. I wanted the process of him discovering Rin’s death/the shock of the situation to be like a ‘everything’s okay’ to suddenly ‘he’s gone’… I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope this turn wasn’t disappointing for anyone expecting the chase chapters 😭🙏
Also, my logic for making Sae NOT chase after Rin was that, because he didn’t answer the call and have Isagi’s panic reinforce the idea that something was actually very wrong, he eventually let the apathetic side of his personality win out. Again, idk if this makes sense or if I’m just rambling, but that’s what the brain led me to write 😭💀👍
Also… again, SAE U MTHRDUJAKA 🔪🔪🔪 YOU DAMN IDIOT! WHY DO I WRITE U THIS FRICKING STUPID U DIMBASS U LR LITTLE BROTHER LEFT IN THE MIDDLE FO THE NIGHT AND U DECIDE NOT TO FIGURE OUT WHY SUSKABUXXHKudjsoqohd
…
the next two chapters describing Rin’s final moments before death are gonna hit hard
Chapter 14: An End to Burden
Notes:
Guys… I’m so sorry 😭💔 I somehow found a way to make it even more painful than the first time 💀 legit cried when I rewrote this
BTW, for any of u new readers who didint come form waves crashing down, this chapter is a rewind-time type that shows what Rin was doing BEFORE he ran out of the house from Sae’s PoV in last chapter
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
This feeling- or, more like lack of feeling, was strange to say the least. The relentless storm of emotion that used to crash over Rin with such merciless insistence had just… disappeared? It was a surreal sensation that was difficult to describe… But, if he were to try his best, he would say it felt as if he were floating in the midst of a glass-still ocean on a clear, star-speckled night; Not even a singular trace of a ripple to disrupt the eerie-stillness of the water could be seen, and Rin might have labeled the feeling as relief… if he could still feel anything at all, that was.
‘Everything would have been so much fucking easier for me if you’d just never been born in the first place!’
Those haunting, soul-piercing words echoed through the otherwise empty and silent landscape that was Rin’s shell-shocked mind but, even then, they still hadn’t managed to stir the slightest hint of movement or turmoil within the stagnant, reflective water… In fact, they actually offered him something like clarity; A sense of understanding, even.
Ever since that night in the snow, the main and most pressing question that had been plaguing Rin almost every single night following had always been: Why?
Why had his brother abandoned him?
Why had he gone out of his way to be so cruel?
Why and what had Rin done that was so horrible that his older-brother would wish for him to never have been born?
But, with this newfound clarity, he felt that he finally understood the answer to those elusive questions… And it was painfully simple and straightforward; Rin was inherently a burden.
It truly was that simple. The answer to almost every single turmoil in his life could be traced back to that one singular truth… And, the longer he thought about it, the more Rin realized that he wasn’t just a burden to Sae, but to everyone; His parents, Bluelock, anyone and everyone that might have the misfortune of meeting him in the future…
Everyone.
That’s why Sae couldn’t love him—Or, maybe he never had to begin with. No matter how talented, skilled, and accomplished Rin managed to become, it would all be pointless… Because, at the end of the day, beneath those flashy, shallow layers of compensation, the core- no… the essence of his identity would remain the same; He would still be nothing but a burden.
…
…
…
As understanding washed through him, Rin felt a sense of what was almost… peace trail right after it. For the first time in his entire life, he felt that he had managed to come to peace with everything; Like if he were to let his gaze slip shut and allow himself to fade away and succumb to the quiet ebb-and-flow of the current that he’d been swimming against all this time… Then, maybe, he would be okay.
Laying on his back and staring up at the popcorn-ceiling of his bedroom, Rin hummed along with the rhythmic sound of rain pelting at his window, the monotone melody of his voice and the water soon accompanied by the accenting howl of gusting wind; It was like music… Beautiful, siren-like music that Rin couldn’t help but contemplate and harmonize with—Had the consistent, thrumming pattern of water ever felt so calming, peaceful, and alluring before.
…
…
…
Was he… Really considering doing this? Was he actually considering just… Letting go of everything once and for all- because, if so, then what kind of mess or aftermath would be left in his wake if he did? Would his older-brother, mother, and father mourn his death for the many years to come, or would they move on from his wake, unbothered—And maybe even relieved?—that their youngest family-member had done them the favor of leaving and disappearing without a trace or hassle?
Would Rin be missed and grieved over, or would the erasure of his existence be cause for celebration to them all? He knew that, in their own way—That often failed to be expressed and reinforced—his parents harbored some level of affection for him… But, at same time, they also seemed to get along just fine without him. They hadn’t even been bothered to visit or check-in with him once during break… And could you really neglect and be so detached from someone that you allegedly loved for so long and to such a severe extent?
Unfortunately, despite Rin’s newfound sense of clarity, he couldn’t quite come to a conclusion in regard to that… But, that did lead him to confronting the question lurking just beneath it; How would Sae react to him leaving for good?
‘Everything would have been so much fucking easier for me if you’d just never been born in the first place!’
…
…
…
“Pft.” Rin almost snorted with hollow amusement. “Yeah right.” Who was he even trying to kid with such a trivial question? Rin was a burden to everyone… But, if there was a singular person that he’d caused more trouble and exasperation to than anyone, then it was without a doubt Sae.
His older-brother had essentially been forced to care and look after Rin for his entire life; No child should be cornered into a parental-role at such a young age… And, on top of all of that, of the eight-billion people that populated the planet, he’d gotten stuck with Rin as his little-brother—Talk about rotten luck; anyone would have been better than him.
Would anyone grieve Rin to the extent that he’d regret having left them behind? Would anyone be happier and better-off if he made the decision to pick himself up, move on, and choose life rather than escape?
…
…
…
“Heh…” Rin chuckled with a bitter and borderline manic grin—That would be the last time he ever laughed; Too bad it was empty and reflected no genuine happiness. “What a delusional and lukewarm thought to even bother entertaining.” Pulling his phone out of his pocket, Rin fiddled with his screen, opened the text-app, and hovered over Isagi’s contact-name with a hesitating thumb. He wasn’t sure why his mind had chosen NPC-1 of all people to talk to before he left… But, something about it just felt right; Besides, as much as he ‘hated’ the guy—He didn’t really hate the other at all—Rin still had a goodbye-message to leave and a request to make before they parted.
To: NPC 1(Isagi Yoichi)
“Hello Isagi… I know I don’t usually text you and when I do it’s just to tell you to fuck off, but this time, I have something I really need to say before I leave. When Bluelock first started, I truly thought you were just another boring, untalented extra with no future… But, as much as I hate to admit it, you really are an amazing, incredible striker, and I have no doubt that you will one day achieve your dream of becoming the very best in the world. I probably have no right to be making requests from you considering how rude I’ve been in the past, but I’m going to ask anyway. My brother, Sae… He sees something amazing in you. He’s really hard to impress, but you’ve always had a way of achieving the impossible. I don’t know if he’ll care or even be fazed at all after I’m gone… But, regardless, I’d like for you to look out for him. I know it’s kind of stupid considering Sae is an adult and his own person, but I think he’d like it if he could have a little-brother that he could be proud of again, and I think that you would be perfect to fit that role. Sorry for having sent this drawn-out message so out of the blue, but before I end it all, I would just like to say thank you. Regardless of how rude and dismissive I’ve been, you’ve always tried your best to look out for me and be my friend. Given the type of person that I am, that must not have been easy… so, I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being my rival… Thank you for everything, Isagi.”
“Thank you, Isagi.” He whispered aloud into the darkness one last time—Just for good measure. “If there’s anyone who can do it, I know that you’ll achieve your dream of becoming the best.” Rin meant it; Every single word, both written and spoken, had been unfiltered, earnest, and sourced directly from the fractured remnants of the heart he’d believed to be long-dead a while ago—As much as he hated to admit it… He would miss Isagi.
Afterwards, Rin took the time to send a brief but heart-felt message to his parents—They may not have ever loved him to the extent that they did Sae, and they might not even care that he would soon be gone… But, Rin didn't want to leave the world behind with any potential regret; He’d rather play it safe than sorry. “I love you, mom. I love you, dad.” He whispered with earnest, and—Call it foolish, immature, and irrational given his relationship with them; He didn’t care—pressed a gentle, chaste kiss against his phone where his parent’s contact-pictures lit up the screen, the pressure and skin-contact thankfully not dialing them by accident; Rin didn’t think that he’d be able to stomach going through this if he were to potentially meet any protest—Not that he believed that he would even if he had ended up calling by mistake.
Well, now that those parting-texts were done with, that just left one more person to leave a goodbye-message for; Sae.
…
…
…
Maybe it was the fact that his older-brother was still in the living-room and no doubt back to his apathetic and unbothered-self… But, something about the idea of leaving him a text-message as a final-farewell while they were still under the same roof just felt… strange; In fact, leaving Sae any message at all just felt odd—Not just because of the lingering resentment; it just felt surreal in general—but, alike with his mom and dad, Rin didn't want to go without leaving him something. For as much pain that his older-brother had caused him, he was still Rin’s one and only Ni-Chan, the person who had looked-after and cared for him during his first fifteen-years of life—Even if it might have all been a facade and chore to begin with—and he that he couldn’t leave without saying anything… Even if it most-likely wouldn’t make much of a difference to Sae regardless if he chose to leave a message or not.
After chewing his bottom lip for a moment, Rin pulled himself up to his feet, rummaged through his desk-drawer until his searching hand managed to clasp around a piece of scratch-paper, and settled down at his desk with a ballpoint-pen. “Hm.” He hummed as he flicked the switch of the small, white-colored study-lamp on to illuminate the space, the small noise of contemplation sounding way too innocent and casual given what it was that he was pondering and planning-out.
It was still difficult given the fact that he could not seem to get the mental-image and echo of Sae’s hate-filled expression cursing those cruel and hurtful things at him… But, after a minute or so of mental-block, the words began to just… flow. Almost as if possessed, Rin hunched over and set his pen into motion with trance-like focus and conviction, his intended final-message spewing forth from the depth of his mind easily and without resistance; Despite having finished writing the whole thing in around five minutes, he hadn’t made a single spelling-error—Good thing; Ballpoint-pen couldn’t be erased, and he wouldn’t want for the last thing that he left Sae to be ugly and misspelled.
Folding the paper into four neat and identical-sized quadrants, Rin found himself in the midst of one last conundrum; Where should he leave the note? “His room…?” For a moment, he considered sneaking into the guest-bedroom and leaving the paper in a spot where he knew Sae would find it before bed… But, he eventually decided against it and simply opted to leave it on his own desk—He didn't want to run the risk of the other catching him in the act of sneaking the note into position… and, besides, it’s not like Sae finding the note was that important anyway; Knowing that his older-brother wouldn’t care if he left a final-message or not, Rin had more-so decided to leave one for his own piece of mind.
…
…
…
Well… nothing else remained except going through with it, huh?
“Guess it’s time to go.” He murmured to himself, allowing for his gaze to sweep over the nostalgic, bittersweet space that was his dim-lit childhood-bedroom one last time. These four walls had been witness to countless memories; Sae helping him with his elementary-homework late into the night whenever he got frustrated with the english-portion… The two of them play-fighting and wrestling whenever they get into lighthearted, not-serious arguments… The sight of their bright, triumph-filled grins whenever they brought home another football-trophy…
If only things had been different; If only that list could have gone on for forever.
…
…
…
Rin already knew where he wanted to take his final-breath—No pun intended. He wanted to return back to the place where everything had started- and, not in terms of his pain, but where his entire life as a whole had begun… back to the earliest, happiest memories that he had; The turquoise-colored, sparkling ocean that he had his precious, loving Ni-Chan would admire together on the salt-stained pier.
Rin’s life had started with the sea… And he wanted it to end there as well.
Notes:
Adding that small little section where Rin was reminiscing of his and Sae’s memories together is what kind of like… mentally finalized what’s about to happen 💔
Also, someone pointed out that on 9/9 it will be Rin’s birthday…
IM SO SORRY, I DIDINT PLAN THIS BUT OUR BOY IS GONNA TO DIE ON HIS LITERAL BIRTHDAY IRL 💀
Chapter 15: Farewell, My Tomorrow
Chapter Text
Between the suffocating curtain of darkness, the ruthless spray of unending rain, and the deafening sound of howling wind and pelting water-spray, Rin found almost every sense of perception that he had distorted and disorientated by the storm… But, that was okay; He’d taken this particular route to the pier so often as a child that he could do it blindfolded—Literally; That wasn’t an exaggeration.
The frigid, constant spray stung at the nerve-endings beneath his skin, and he would be lying if he said that being out at night in the midst of a raging storm fueled by nothing but the intent to take his final-breath wasn’t intimidating—Or, at the very least disturbing enough to put him on edge—but, the calming, steadying sense of peace and acceptance that had taken root in the remnants of his shattered heart were more than enough to keep him grounded and level-headed.
At some point, Rin became aware of his phone buzzing and vibrating in his pocket—arguably a remarkable feat of hearing considering how blaring and all-encompassing everything else around him was. He wasn’t sure if it was Isagi reacting to his message, or maybe his mom trying to reach out to him… But, either way, Rin didn’t stop to check—As determined as he was to end everything tonight, he also had enough self-awareness to know that the resolve and confidence fueling him was a delicate and easily-broken thing; He didn’t want to end up chickening-out.
Around midway through the journey—Or, at least, that was his estimate; The rain and darkness obscured any telltale landmarks that would give him a concrete pinpoint on his exact location—a certain level of pain began to set in. The newfound sense of numbing-peace that had seized him definitely worked to shield his conscious mind from the majority of the pain, but he wasn't completely impervious to discomfort… and yet, Rin found himself too engulfed by his own mind and pondering to be that bothered or that inhibited by it—Whatever, he was no stranger to pain; Occasionally, it even offered him a twisted sort of comfort.
“Sae…” Rin spoke his older-brother’s name aloud for no rational reason… But, predictably, the gusting wind swept and stole his voice away, the quiet noise merging with that of the raging storm.
Despite having left his final-message to the other, Rin found himself still wracked with turmoil… And, it hadn’t helped at what-would-be his last interaction with the other had completely thrown him into a loop. Even now, with an emotional clarity-of-mind that felt clearer than even the most polished glass, he still struggled to comprehend what had just happened between them… But, whatever. It still bothered him a little bit but, aside from that, he didn’t care that much anymore. Rin had already left his final-message and somehow managed to find inner-peace; It didn't matter if his last conversation with Sae would confuse and stump him until the end of time… He saw no reason to stress-out over the ghost of a past that he would soon be freed from.
After a brief period of silence—From his phone, not the storm; The latter was constant—another incoming wave of vibration and buzzing alerted him of the fact that people were once again trying to call him—Who specifically, Rin didn't know?—but, after a split-second of contemplation, he simply paused to power-off his phone and ignore it. He was certain that any and all incoming-messages sent by his parents, Isagi, and maybe even Sae—Again, who was he kidding?—were nothing but surface-level, performative empty-gestures fueled by the moment rather than actual care- or, heck… Maybe they were even encouraging him to go through with it? After all, it would make their lives a lot easier if he were to disappear without a trace.
Rin hadn’t specifically mentioned in any of his final-messages that he was planning on killing himself—Though, it was heavily implied; It would be plain-as-day to figure out if anyone were to put genuine effort into trying—nor had he been intending to fish for pity or shallow protest… But, at the same time, he couldn’t help but wonder: ‘Do they actually know?’
Had any of the people he’d said goodbye to truly understood the weight and significance of what he’d left for them—Or, at least the significance they held to Rin?—or, were the attempts at reaching him simply confused replies from people who didn't understand what it was that he was about to go through with? “Mm, whatever.” Rin hummed out with an apathetic shrug after a moment of contemplation and, identical to before, the swirling storm swept up any trace of his voice before it could even reach his own ears… So, he simply continued on without falter, each step resolved drawing him closer and closer to his chosen-fate; To the final chapter in the short, unremarkable story that was his life… and, before he knew it, Rin found himself face-to-face with the very thing he craved:
The ocean… Or, well, at least the vague, wavering-outline that was the pitch-black, abyssal-void of the shoreline before him.
For a moment, He couldn’t will himself to move; He couldn’t do anything but stare and marvel at the sight before him. Despite the world around him being pitch-black and the sound of howling wind so deafening, Rin could still feel the sheer destructive power radiating off of the shoreline less than thirty-something feet ahead of him; The ever-moving, shapeless mass shifted nonstop, swelling to striking height in certain places while crashing and breaking in others with fearsome power… But, the visual aspect of the ocean’s presence couldn’t even hold a candle to the sound.
If Rin had previously believed that the deafening, all-encompassing noises produced by the whipping storm were powerful, then the sound of waves roaring put all of that to the utmost shame. As they swelled to life, they sang a haunting melody that finished with the powerful, dramatic, and conclusive note of them roaring when they broke… And, as Rin stood there, simultaneously petrified and mesmerized by the almost-incomprehensible display of force that mother-nature had bestowed him the privilege of witnessing, only one singular, crystal-clear thought rang true within his mind:
It's beautiful.
If the sound of rain falling were a song, then what Rin saw and heard before him right now could only be considered the incarnation of art in its purest form; A haunting, siren-like orchestra of the most harmonious, flawless melody… a beautiful, expressive piece of high-quality artwork fit to be displayed in the most prestigious of art-museums… a scene so surreal that even the most highly-regarded and accomplished poets would fail to adequately verbalize or capture…
Even those symbolic comparisons fell short in description.
The gorgeous, unparalleled view before Rin was something that would have rivaled and been an adequate portrayal of his identity just a few short hours ago… But, now the rageful, thrashing void served as a perfect contrast to the calm, glass-like water that represented his peace-of-mind; In a poetic sort of way, this situation was beautifully ironic… and Rin knew that he couldn't have chosen a better destination to be his final view of the world that he was about to leave behind.
With a mere few steps, it would all be over. With a few steps, Rin’s very existence would be erased from the word and- no… actually, that wasn’t true at all; his existence wouldn’t be erased… it would become a part of something larger than just himself. Long after his body became a soulless, hollow shell, he would eventually begin to decompose and dissipate into the water that cradled him… But, he still wouldn’t be erased. Both his physical and spiritual body alike would become one with the harmonious balance of the ocean… And, truthfully, Rin didn’t think that he could dare to ask for a more hauntingly beautiful way to go.
As if his mind had powered-down and surrendered all control to autopilot, Rin began to walk forward without falter or hesitation. Not a singular thought flickered through his mind except for the unyielding ‘it’s so beautiful’ that seemed to play on repeat like a broken record; There was no regret, no sadness, no anger, no joy… nothing apart from the inexplicable, alluring urge to just keep walking forward.
So he did.
He kept walking without a single falter in his step, placing one foot in front of the other in perfect rhythm… He kept walking when the smooth, stabilizing feeling of concrete beneath his feet shifted into that of wet, clumping sand… He kept walking when the skin-prickling sensation of salt-water spraying his skin intensified, signaling that he was ever-closer to reaching the ocean… He kept walking when his soaked-to-the-bone shoes grew heavy with water-weight as he stepped into ankle-level depth… He kept walking when that frigid, teeth-chattering feeling inched higher and higher until he was waist deep and far enough out that the waves were starting to uproot and thrash him around… and then, with an flowing grace that would look seamless and borderline unremarkable to anyone watching from the outside, Rin found himself mid-step when a surge of powerful undercurrent coiled around his ankle with vice-like grip and simply… coaxed him downward until he was submerged from head to toe.
He didn’t fight against it.
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…
For the majority of the world, when the night passed and welcomed yet another day, almost nothing would change; When the earth in all of its incomprehensible magnitude rotated just enough for the peeking sunrise to illuminate the purple-hued twilight and signal for the morning-finches to greet the dawn with a lighthearted song, the young, bright-eyed school-children to prepare themselves for class, and for the world in its entirety to say ‘hello’ to another boring, uneventful day… nothing in the grand-scheme of life, the universe, and existence itself would be affected in the slightest.
Time would, as it had since the beginning of creation itself, continue to march ever-forward in welcome of the new tomorrow.
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…
But, on that night Itoshi Rin, son, friend, and little-brother…. bid farewell to his tomorrow.
Notes:
Guys… he’s gone 😔 Rip Rin, you will be missed by all.
…
No but seriously I’m actually BAWLING rn 🥺💔 I was having a difficult time figuring out a way to end this chapter in a way that would feel impactful, but I think I cooked with it in the end… though, I might be doing revisions in the future to add a little bit more since this one is meant to be special 😭
IM DYING 💔 HES GONE. IVE NEVER KILLED A CHARACTER BEFORE AND ITS BREAKING ME
+ since this marks the definite end of all re-used content, I’ll be taking a small break from writing for maybe a few days just to get back into the rhythm, study/plan out how I want to proceed, and just possibly add little revisions to this chapter here and there… I hope this chapter lived up to the pain I promised 😭🙏
Chapter 16: The Worst That Could Happen
Chapter Text
That uneventful, mundane morning when Sae blinked open his sleep-crusted gaze, drew back the white-colored draping that lined the window parallel with the guest-bed, and begrudgingly pulled himself up to his feet to set about his morning-routine, nothing had looked, seemed, or felt any different than that of the previous one… But, as he would soon come to realize with utmost disbelieving mortification, nothing of the world that he used to know remained.
Everything would be different.
*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*
“Gh- ack.” Sae gagged with a rasp, wrinkling his nose with disgust and exasperation as he bent over the sink-basin to spit out the excess blueish-tinted toothpaste-foam that he’d swallowed by accident. “Tch.” With practiced, fluid motion, he uncapped the hair-gel that he’d retrieved from his suitcase, organizing and slicking his peached-colored hair with utmost precision and attention to detail; Appearance was the first and foremost impression that one could make, and Sae spared no effort in maintaining his aura of pristine effortlessness. “Mhm.” He hummed with a subconscious nod of approval once he deemed himself presentable enough to meet his self-enforced high-standard criteria, spending the recommended fifteen-second minimum to wash his gel-coated hands before toweling them dry, flipping off the light-switch, and setting course for the living room.
“Tch.” Clicking his tongue when an uncomfortable prickle of hunger gnawed at his growling stomach, Sae paused, taking a moment tune-in with his current preference before deciding that, this morning, he was craving a breakfast-omelette—Odd; He hadn’t desired for the dish in quite the while. Pulling open the living-room curtains, he allowed for the gray-tinged morning light to illuminate his workspace before rummaging through the kitchen in search of the required ingredients and cupboard-ware. “Hm…” He hummed with contemplation, taking a brief moment to shift through his longterm-memory in search of the specific recipe that he craved; an egg—that much was obvious—butter, salt, pepper, cheese, bacon, onion, garlic… “Ah, whatever.” He sighed with an uncaring shrug when, after having reached a mental-block, he couldn’t quite remember if he happened to be forgetting about an ingredient or not. “All the same stuff anyway.” He reasoned to himself with an assuring nod, turning the oven-knob to medium before oiling his frying-pan and cracking the egg onto it; As per usual, he didn't leave an accidental shell—He considered himself to be quite the respectable cook.
With effortless execution, Sae finished preparing himself what he considered to be a picture-perfect omelet—He even topped it off with a little cilantro-leaf; That had been a pointless, yet satisfying decision. With much care to not jostle the plated-food too much, he settled down at the dinner-table with a metal-fork, knife, and paper-towel in hand… But, a split-second before he’d been about to cut into the steaming egg, his suspended hand froze right before aligning the knife-point with the inviting surface.
Before the thought had even managed to form in full, Sae’s chest tightened with both exasperation and frustration; He knew full-well what had prompted him to stop against his conscious-will. “Rin…” From the moment he’d woken up, Sae had given it best effort to commit to last night’s resolution… But, the sight of the plated-omelet—Both he and Rin had loved to eat these when they were younger; It was a staple of their home-life and childhood—had managed to dredge up the one topic that he had been trying so hard to ignore. “Damnit.” He sighed with mental-exhaustion, dropping the knife into the wooden-table with a clatter before bringing the same hand up to pinch and rub at the crinkled bridge of his nose; He felt a headache coming on.
Don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t faltering or second-guessing his determination to uphold his resolve… But, he couldn’t help but wonder whether Rin had been deterred enough by the short-lived storm enough to return home last night, or if he could be expected to appear sometime throughout the remainder of the day.
…
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to at least check Rin’s bedroom? This morning, Sae had, in his determination to maintain distance and detachment, strolled past the shut-door with pointed effort to not let his curiosity get the better of him… But, seeing as that, from a logical standpoint, soothing his wor- his question would benefit his state-of-mind and allow him to sever that last remaining thread of involvement, it was just common-sense that he do so—He didn’t care on an emotional-level; Doing this would be beneficial to him.
That settled it.
After pausing to shoot his cooling omelette a glance of silent promise—He would soon return to eat it without interruption as intended—Sae stood up from the dinner-table and beelined straight for Rin’s bedroom without a split-second of hesitation; He wanted to make this fast—Y’know, so he could finish his breakfast; There was no other reason.
…
“Ehm- hey…” Sae called out after clearing his throat, bringing a knuckle up to rapt at the wooden-door of the bedroom; He didn't want to barge in uninvited just in case it happened to be occupied. “Hey, Rin are you- uhm… are you in there?” The stiffness wasn’t from a sense of lingering guilt, awkwardness, or anything along those lines… Sae just- look, he just wasn’t sure what to say given the circumstance.
…
“Tch, Rin, if you’re in there, just answer me. Don’t be all stubborn just because you’re sulking.” Sae chided with an edge of impatience weighing-down his tone, his knuckle drumming against the door with a little more pointed insistence. “Alright- if you are in there and are just choosing to ignore me, don’t get upset that I walked in without asking first.” He warned with an exasperated huff, gripping the metallic-doorknob and rattling it as a final-warning before pushing the door open and…
“Oh.” He breathed out with an uncomfortable mixture of embarrassment and slight disbelief when he gave the unlit room—Save for the lamp on the writing-desk casting a sterile-white glow—a quick scan and realized that, unlike what he expected, no one was inside; Despite having entertained the idea that Rin might not have returned last night and therefore wouldn’t be in the room, Sae had been almost convinced that he would walk in to find the other sleeping or moping on the bed. “I guess… He spent the night somewhere else.”
…
Okay, but… now that begged the question as to where he would’ve gone- and, again, don’t get Sae wrong, he still didn't care… it was just, now that he was aware of the fact that his assumption of Rin having returned last night was wrong—That had not been anticipated—he couldn’t help but question where the other would or could have gone? “To a hotel, maybe?” Sae pondered aloud, his brow crinkling with turmoil as he chewed on his bottom-lip and wracked his brain for any logical conclusion. “There isn’t any other place that he could have gone, unless-“ Before the thought could progress into anything more, he snapped his mouth shut insistence so pointed that the teeth lining his upper-jaw hurt from the sudden impact of that with the lower.
He shouldn’t care- no… he didn't care—The more aggressive and absolute way of wording his resolve made it feel more concrete. So what if Rin hadn’t returned last like he’d been expecting? Once again, it wasn’t Sae’s business to monitor or babysit him; Besides, as he’d concluded last night, even if the worst-case scenario were to come to pass, how bad could it be? What, Rin would spend an uncomfortable night out in tropical-storm level weather and catch a little head-cold because he was too irrational and stubborn to return home? “Tch, that's his problem, not mine.” Sae scoffed with a self-directed disapproving shake of the head, feeling agitated with himself for having caved to such an extent to begin with. He should have cast the thought aside and finished—Or, more like started—his fresh omelette.
Closing the bedroom-door behind him with pointed insistence, Sae strolled back down into the living-room, turned on a TV-show for background-noise, sat down at the dinner-table, and prioritized enjoying his—Not so fresh anymore—omelette without any distraction.
Right before he’d been about to finish his final bite of stale breakfast, the chiming of the doorbell being set-off sounded through the house. Startling when the noise registered, Sae once again dropped his metal-fork onto the table-surface with a clatter, his now-alert mind perking up with anticipation and expectancy. “Rin?” He breathed out, leaping to his feet with an hurriedness that he felt ashamed of just a moment after—He didn’t care… it’s just that he would just prefer for the situation to be done and dealt with as soon as possible. “Tch.” He clicked his tongue, making a pointed effort to saunter over to the front-door with casual nonchalance that befitted his apathetic nature. “Took you long enough to get back…” He drawled with a cold, condescending tone as he unlocked and swung the door open but, when he realized that the man and women standing before him were in fact not Rin, he trailed off with startled confusion; Based on their matching uniforms, they were… police officers?
Despite being almost half a head shorter than Sae, the man—in his late-forties?—was heavily-built and carried himself with a certain level of professional confidence that one wouldn’t find in the average, unremarkable citizen. He had well-trimmed raven-black hair that matched in hue with his gaze, a slim, almost imperceptible scar tracing from his chin to the corner of his lip, and just gave off the vibe of what one would consider ‘grizzled’… Which is why the expression on his face when he stepped forward caught Sae off-guard; downcast, somber, and filled with… what was that- pity? “Hello.” The man greeted him with a polite nod and delicate smile.
“Uhm- hello?” Sae responded with a polite smile in turn, but it was rigid, stiff, and awkward in comparison—He was never one for social-pleasentries. “Can I help you?”
This time, rather than it being the man who responded, the women—Around mid to late-twenties; She was young—stepped forward to answer. She had chin-length, pale-green hair that framed her freckled-face with bone-straightness, and a sharp, magenta-pink gaze that served as a vibrant contrast to the color-scheme… But, similar to her partner, her expression seemed to be weighted with something somber and hesitant. “Me and my partner here are officers from the Kamakura Police Station… We’ve been dispatched here because I’m afraid that we have some bad news to deliver.”
“Bad news?” Sae repeated, his brow crinkling even with furthering confusion and incomprehension when he caught-on to the thick, almost suffocating atmosphere; Everything about this situation was way too sudden and he, despite being a fast-learner, found it difficult to keep up with and predict—What sort of ‘bad-news’ would warrant two people from law-enforcement to show up at his doorstep in such an unexpected, off-putting manner?
“Yes.” The woman nodded with another hesitant, reserved smile—What was going on? Why did they seem so on-edge and uncomfortable?— before releasing a long, drawn-out breath. “Are you of familial relation to Itoshi Rin?”
“Yeah- wait… why? Does this have something to do with my little-brother?” Sae couldn’t help himself from blurting the question aloud the moment his mind had pieced together the implied correlation; The sudden and unexpected appearance of law-enforcement, a forewarning of ‘bad-news’, and the direct mention of Rin with the implication that he was the topic of this somber atmosphere all tied-back to one logical conclusion. “Does it?” He urged when, rather than receive an immediate answer, the pair exchanged another silent glance; That did not give him confidence.
Swallowing hard, he tried his damn best to ignore the rapid increase in his heart-rate, the pale-fingered death-grip that he crushed the doorknob with, and the spike in sudden discomfort that weighed-down his entire mind. “Answer me.” He demanded after a beat of silence, the electric-current that zapped through his nervous-system jolting him with the impulsive need to have an answer now; At the moment, staying dedicated to his resolution of apathetic uncaring wasn’t even a passing afterthought.
Despite having just assured himself with absolute conviction that he would not and did not care about Rin, his instinctive response to the implication that the other had gotten hurt or was in danger said otherwise; After all, last night—and this morning—he, in favor of creating justification for his own agenda and decision, had been so complacent and dismissive when considering the chance that something bad might or could’ve happened.
“Yes, this does involve Itoshi Rin.” The green-haired woman nodded with a sigh, her deep-magenta gaze staring into Sae’s own flared, on-edge one for a moment before twinkling with sorrowful-compassion. “May we come in? I feel this type of news will be best delivered while sitting-down in a space of comfort.” What the actual Hell did ‘this type of news’ even mean? Just what could have happened to Rin that it warranted hand-holding and beating-around-the-bush to this extent?
Had he, in his state of emotional-instability, caused trouble or damage?
Had he gone missing- and, now that Sae thought about it, was that why he hadn’t returned last night or this morning?
Had he managed to get himself injured whilst out in the storm!?
…
With a thin-pressed mouth and balled-up fists so white that he felt the blood-flow thinning, Sae clenched his lower-jaw and somehow managed a rigid, impatient nod, stepping to the side to gesture for the pair to enter. “Now, tell me what happened and what you’re here to explain to me.” He demanded without warmth once the three of them had gotten seated on the living-room couch; The action/comedy movie that Sae had put on earlier whilst eating breakfast was still playing—He was both too distracted and just didn’t care enough to turn it off. “You said this was about Rin… So, I’m guessing that he got injured and is in the hospital, right?” He offered with impatient insistence, desperate to understand the extent of the situation and what he should be prepared for. “Did he slip in the water and break a bone or something- or, shit… did he catch hypothermia from the rain and cold? If he did fall, then did he hit his head and- wait, did he get a concussion!?” It was uncharacteristic of Sae to ramble and spiral, but he couldn’t help it; The more he attempted to guess what had happened, the more his searching-mind realized just how easily Rin could have gotten injured to a severe extent—Forget catching a ‘head-cold’, he could have caught stage-three hypothermia or gotten concussed!
…
Sae couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t alarmed by the situation anymore. Being detached and separated from Rin in an emotional and kinship-sense was one thing, but ignoring and feigning disinterest when there was a chance that he was in real danger or had gotten injured was a whole different ball-park that he couldn’t bring himself to step foot into.
He wouldn’t allow himself to get too close or involved seeing as he still had no interest in rekindling their ruined relationship… but he wouldn’t just ignore something this drastic; At the least, he could just check-up on Rin to make sure he was fine, maybe… stick around for an extra day or two if he was injured to the point of being bed-ridden, then move on with his life when he determined that the situation was under control enough to be put to mental-rest. “Shit.” He cursed with an exasperated but conclusive hiss, bringing a hand up to run through his now-dishevelled, untidy pink-hair. “Just… just what happened?” He sighed, forcing himself to take a deep breath and allow for the poor women to speak… But, he would soon come to wish that he had delayed what came next as long as possible; Even if living in denial and delusion was cowardice, he would choose ignorance over the incomprehensible Hell that his reality would soon devolve into any day.
Pressing her pink-hued lips into a thin, wavering line, she took a deep, drawn-out breath that rivaled Sae’s own in exhaustion before steeling her gaze with something firm but still gentle and compassionate. “There’s no easy way to say this and I’m deeply remorseful to be the one delivering the news… but, at 6:22 AM this morning, Itoshi Rin’s body was found washed-up on the shoreline and he was declared to be deceased by the arriving paramedics on sight. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
…
…
…
…
…
…
“You’re saying that Rin is… dead?”
Notes:
guys…. ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN SOON 🫣 get ready for the most in-denial, slow-build crashout/realization/mental-breadown you’ve ever seen 😭💔
Our boy Sae here thinking Rin just broke his ankle or something like… no you dumbass 🖕
Also, about my posting-schedule form now on… since school as been getting more busy and time-consuming as of lately, I probably won’t get back into the one chapter a day thing since that’s kind of a lot. I can’t promise reliable consistency or intervals that I’ll be posting in from now on, but I highly doubt I’ll go any more than two days in between each posts. Sry guys 😭🙏
Chapter 17: Denial
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Having never before experienced true loss, Sae hadn’t ever given the whole ‘five-stages-of-grief’ notion much depthful contemplation beyond a surface-level opinion. He’d found himself doubtful that the collective response to grief was so tangible and pattern-like that it could be used to categorize human-nature in such a concrete and all-encompassing way… But, as he would come to realize, the published data and consensus on the study had been dead-accurate.
Despite priding himself on the apathetic, frigid nature that he believed to be superior to emotion and attachment, Itoshi Sae would not be the one-in-a-million except to the first stage of grief: Denial.
*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*
“You’re saying that Rin is… dead?” Sae repeated an uncomprehending, almost amused smile, the mechanical-clockwork that allowed his brain to function screeching to a sudden halt as he struggled to process the outlandish situation in full. “Uhm- what are you talking about?” He questioned with stupefaction, not understanding what purpose two people from law-enforcement would have for orchestrating such a humorless and tasteless ruse.
Shooting her partner another silent glance, the green-haired woman sighed, her shimmering, magenta-colored gaze shutting for a moment before re-opening and staring into Sae’s own with regretful determination. “This morning at around 6:00 AM, the Kamakura Police Station received a call that a body was found washed-up on shore about a mile or two away from this location. A team was dispatched and paramedics rushed to the scene, but it was far too late. The body was transported to the morgue at a nearby hospital and was identified as a young man by the name of Itoshi Rin. Me and my partner here have been dispatched to break the news to the immediate-family on his emergency-contact list… and again, I’m so sorry for your loss.” She finished with a sorrow-filled, wavering smile similar to the one that the man sitting next to her wore… But, Sae couldn’t get past the fact that, rather than answer his question, she repeated the exact same made-up story with just a few added details of fabrication.
With a dumbfounded, puzzled expression that hadn’t so much as twitched during her recounting, Sae continued to gape with that exact same plastered-on smile splitting his uncomprehending face. “Okay… but like- what are you talking about? Is this some sort of prank- or, did Rin put you up to this to get even with me?” He offered with an encouraging smile and nod, urging for the actor and actress—They weren’t real police officers; That much was more than obvious now—to admit defeat and expose Rin’s mischievous revenge-plan and hiding-spot in full… But, as it seemed, they were both extremely dedicated to their hired-roles. “C’mon, I know that he’s just trying to get even with me, so just admit it and tell me where he-“
“Sae.” The man cut-in before he could finish, his black-colored gaze—while still compassionate—sharpening with a dead-serious, humorless edge of insistence. “This is not a ‘prank’ nor are we attempting to ‘mess with you’. We are from the Kamakura Police Station and have been dispatched to inform you of Itoshi Rin’s death.”
…
…
…
“You’re not joking?” Sae whispered after a minute-or-two of strained, motionless silence, the upturned-curve of his mouth leveling-out into a flat poker-face so rigid and emotionless that he could pass for marble-cut statue. Digging his poised fingernails into the couch-armrest with enough pressure to leave a lasting indentation, Sae analyzed and dissected the body-language of the two sitting before him with merciless attention-to-detail and a gaze so piercing that it could slice through a solid glass-pane with ease.
After a while of searching, he found no visible hint of concealed-deception… But, that didn’t at all persuade him to believe the ridiculous, outlandish bullshit they were trying to sell him; The notion that Rin had died was impossible and so untrue that it was almost laughable. “So what then? You’re just lying to me because you’re bored and you feel like it?” Sae snapped without warning, his voice dripping with venomous accusation as his poker-faced soured into something resentful and indignant; The audacity of the people to come into his house and lie straight to his face about something so deranged was mind-boggling!
Rather than be taken aback or intimidated by his sudden demeanor-shift, the pair exchanged another silent, knowing glance—That was starting to get annoying—before the green-haired woman once again made an attempt at explaining the situation—AKA: lying to him without shame. “Sae… I know that this is startling and I can only imagine what level of emotional-stress you must be under right now, but you have to understand that we are not joking, lying, or trying to deceive you-“
“Liar.” Sae interrupted with frigid accusation, his lower-jaw clenching so hard that he felt the pressure might cause his bottom-teeth to crack right out of his skull. With a thin-pressed mouth and white-knuckled fists that felt numb from prolonged lack of blood-flow—He’d been maintaining a death-grip for a while now—he glared with unrestrained animosity; Sae was beyond offended right now. “You’re a liar- you’re both liars. How fucking dare you pretend to be law-enforcement, waltz into my home, make up disgusting lies about my little-brother right to my face, and then have the audacity to act as if you’re telling the truth!”
“Sae, we’re not-“
“Yes, you are, and stop saying my name as if we know each other! How- what the fuck kind of lame-ass bullshit lie even is that!? Did you even try when you were coming up with that ridiculous story!? Why and how the fuck would Rin even be close enough to the damn shoreline to get swept up, huh? Do you think I'm an absolute idiot with zero common-sense!?” He exploded without restraint, leaping up to his feet with a pointed-aggression that caused the green-haired woman and her partner to follow in suit; They were still at ease and sporting compassionate expressions, but they were poised as if preparing to defend themselves.
Looking as if she were battling with turmoil and indecision, the woman gave her partner a troubled, pleading frown that, after a moment, prompted the man to step forward with one hand held up in a gesture of placating and surrender; He kept the other near his gun-belt. “Based on the current information that we have, we believe that it was a suicide-” He began to explain, but Sae didn’t allow him finish his sentence before interrupting with an almost animalistic and manic sound of disbelief and offense; If their was any chance thag he would have ever believed their made-up story before, that ludicrous detail razed it to the ground.
Itoshi Rin, the most stubborn, single-minded, determined, and ambitious person that Sae knew… committing suicide of all things? Did these two even have the brain-capacity to process how ridiculous and unbelievable that sounded!?
“BULLSHIT! That’s such fucking bullshit and I’ll prove it right now!” He shrieked with such high-pitched indignation that his voice cracked, his wide-eyed, frantic gaze searching for the aforementioned source of evidence; His phone. “I’ll call him right now and, when he answers, you can bet that I’ll make you regret all of this, and- and…” He threatened with an almost smug confidence, rushing over to snatch his phone off the kitchen-island when he remembered where he’d left it… but, when he pressed the power-button to turn it on and was met with a home-screen filled to the brim with unread texts, missed calls, and voicemails, he froze.
Being somewhat detached from the online-world paired with the fact that he hated being nagged by his manager and team, Sae had created the bad-habit of not checking his phone until he had a reason to; Having woken up this morning with no agenda in mind, he had carried the device around in his pocket without having opened it… and, because he’d silenced his phone last night, he hadn’t received any of the notifications. “What- what the hell is all of this shit…” Sae breathed out with confusion, his already-frantic heart-rate spiking with even more discomfort when he processed a brief overview of the text-messages.
Some were from his mother, some were from his father—That was strange; His father wasn’t a ‘text’ type of man—and an array were from an unknown-number with the ‘045’ Saitama Japan area-code—He had zero clue who that might be—and, from what he could piece together, each message was similar in nature.
Pressing his mouth into a thin, trembling line, Sae gaped at the overwhelming selection of missed-messages before bringing a shaking finger up to accept a random one from last night; A voicemail from his mom sent at 11:29 PM last night—He had been dead-asleep at that time.
“SAE! SAE, HONEY, P-PLEASE ANSWER ME AND YOUR FATHER’S CALLS! ARE YOU WITH RIN RIGHT NOW!? DID HE SAY ANYTHING WEIRD TO YOU!? I- oh my g-god… p-please tell me he’s with you! PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE'S OKAY! I-I’m…” With that, the sound of his mother’s voice began to cut in and out as if she were moving around, the background-chatter and static distorting the remainder of the message to the point of being unintelligible before going silent.
The voicemail ended.
…
Swallowing in a way that agitated his hoarse, dried-out throat, Sae let out a weak exhale, his wide, frantic gaze looking up to the two other people in the room in desperation, silently pleading for them to switch-up and announce that all of this was just some elaborate, well-planned joke. “T-this isn’t, no… no. This is all bullshit.” He scoffed with a high, shrill bark of laughter, shaking his head with stubborn disbelief as he clicked open another voicemail, this time one from his father—The man never joked around; if this was a staged-scheme, then Sae could count on his message to be the telltale.
“Sae, answer the phone right now. I don’t care what you’re doing or how busy you are, this is serious. We got a text-message from Rin and we… w-we think that something bad might’ve happened to him. If he’s with you, just answer and tell us. Please, son, we can’t… me and your mother are just scared that he’s in danger.”
…
…
…
“This isn’t- no… no, I- hah! This isn’t real… this is not real.” He chuckled with disbelief, shaking his head with stubborn refusal when, one after another, each voicemail and text-message—the unknown-number was Isagi Yoichi; Somehow he’d gotten involved in all of this—told him to exact same thing; All of them were dancing around the one word that Sae was dreading to hear most, but the implication was there and it matched with the claim that the officers were trying to sell him. “It can’t- Rin wouldn’t ever… he would never do something like that!” Sae huffed with another high, shrill bout of hysteria-driven laughter, bringing a hand up to squeeze and twist at the white-colored fabric of the shirt above his racing, fluttering heart.
There was zero chance that this was happening; This had to be some sort of guilt-induced nightmare—Maybe this was a deluded hallucination manifested from the lingering guilt and regret of having hurt Rin last night?
“He isn’t dead… He is not dead.” Sae declared with a borderline-manic grin, his phone-screen letting out an audible crack when he let it fall out of his now-limp hand and onto the hardwood-floor below.
Sae didn't care what anyone else told him right now; he knew with utmost confidence that Rin was not dead… Because, c’mon, how could something like that make any logical sense whatsoever? Just last night, he had been speaking with the other- and, yeah… granted that they did have a fight and some not-so-kind words had been said in the heat of the moment, Rin had still been fine; He'd still been as alert, defiant, and alive as he’d been since forever.
The notion that Sae’s little-brother had committed suicide and was dead just… it just wasn’t even possible; Whenever there was mention of talk of suicide and death, it was always in reference of other people… not his little-brother or someone else that Sae knew on a intimate-level.
“Heh…” Sae chuckled, shaking his head with blatant, stubborn refusal. Nothing in the world- no… nothing in the universe would ever be able to convince him that this situation was real. “This is just… you all have to be misunderstanding something.” He reasoned with a desperate nod and forced grin, reaching the conclusion that, rather than everyone else being in on some sort of complex, well-orchestrated prank, they must’ve all just reached a collective misunderstanding. “Mom, father, and Isagi must just be misinterpreting something- and you guys had to have gotten the body identification wrong b-because… he- look, I just know that he’s not dead, okay? I would know if my baby-brother died. I would feel it.”
With a sorrow-filled, regretful smile, the woman sighed, taking a step forward with one hand held out in a gesture of placating and the other fishing into her pocket in search of a folded piece of paper; She looked as if she were attempting to approach a feral, rabid animal that could rampage at any moment. “I can assure you that the identification process is very high-tech and reliable.” She began with regretful assurance, offering out the paper for him to take whilst moving to explain further; It was Rin’s death-certificate. “The body was found in good preservation and the hospital-morgue didn’t have any doubt in determining that it was-“
“No.” Sae interrupted before she could finish, shaking his head with unfaltering, outright refusal as he shoved the ‘death-certificate’ right back—In quotations; Rin was not dead and therefore did not have a death-certificate. Everything that she told him went in one ear and right out the next; Whether she believed what she said to be true or not, Sae knew that it was all false regardless. “I don’t buy it for one second. How would they even know what Rin looked like, huh?” It’s impossible-“
“Medical-files contain records on physical-appearance, DNA information, and-“ The dark-haired man tried to interject with helpful explanation, but Sae ignored him and continued right on as if he hadn’t heard; Logic was not something he cared to listen to at the moment.
“-which is why I won’t ever believe it unless I see it for myself.” He declared with finalization, his tone leaving zero room for argument or follow-up… which is why, what green-haired women responded with next startled and caught him off-guard.
“If you wish and feel that it would make this process easier to process, you are entitled to visitation rights. It is somewhat uncommon but, if you make the request, me and my partner would be willing to drive you to the hospital that his body is being kept at.”
She was… offering to let Sae see the dead-body in the morgue?
…
…
…
Shit- why was he hesitating? He knew for a fact that Rin was not dead and that all of this was just one big, ridiculous misunderstanding… But, something about the notion of visiting a corpse in the hospital-morgue—Despite the fact that it would not be Rin’s—was unsettling and disturbing to the point of making his stomach churn with discomfort. “I- I’m…” He spluttered with shell-shocked indecision, his mind rearing with frustration and indignation when, after hesitating for way too long, he realized that a small, despicable part of him was terrified that, despite being so convicted in his belief that Rin was alive, the evidence at the hospital might say otherwise; He squashed that stupid, laughable flicker of doubt on sight. “I’m- yeah… yeah, I’ll go.” He eventually agreed with a determined, pointed huff, deciding that, to ensure that everyone else realized how idiotic and gullible they sounded for believing that Rin was even capable of committing suicide—of all things; how stupid—he would march right up to the hospital-morgue and, upon confirming that the corpse was not his little-brother, laugh in their shocked, dumbfounded faces and gloat about it.
He would prove that Rin wasn’t dead.
…
…
…
…
…
…
Rin was not dead.
Notes:
Oh Sae… DeNile is a river in Egypt and you are drowning in it almost as much as Rin was drowning in that ocean before he died 💀
Mans is employing ALL of the mental-gymnastics techniques to dissociate from the truth rn 😭 it’s sad but also funny bc he lowkey brought this on himself
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