Chapter 1: Tsukishima Kei doesn't like the bus
Chapter Text
Sometimes, Tsukishima regrets ever joining the volleyball club. And by sometimes, he means whenever someone (usually Hinata, Kageyama, Tanaka, or Nishinoya) is being an irremediably loud, noisy, annoying idiot. Which, of course, means that Tsukishima has regrets nearly every day.
And at other times, just like this one, his regret is caused by the sheer idea of yet another training camp. Only this one would be worse than the previous one, for several reasons that Tsukishima lists as such:
- This camp is in Tokyo. Well, Saitama, mostly. But anyway, it is far from home, and Tsukishima Kei doesn’t do well with such big changes, thank you very much.
- This camp will have several other teams. Meaning a bunch of wild, rowdy, smelly, sweaty teenage boys packed in just one place, and he shivers at that very idea. Plus, Tsukishima knows there won’t be any boy cute or hot enough to make up for it (or to make out with).
- He knows already he’ll be constantly surrounded by people. At all times. Mealtimes? People. Training? People. Matches? People. Showers? People. Sleeping time? PEOPLE. It will get too noisy and too people-y, and he hates it already.
- Is. SUMMER! Tsukishima doesn’t want to train and sweat all day with his equally sweaty (or worse, sweatier) teammates, opponents, and be yelled at and reprimanded by various coaches. It’s going to be hot, and not in the way he would have liked it. And he’s missing his A.C. already.
- It’s the evening, and they have to leave. Why? At this time, usually, he would be in his bedroom, minding his own business, perhaps rewatching Jurassic Park (as much for the dinosaurs as for Jeff Goldblum), listening to music, just overall being happy in his own little peopleless bubble.
Instead, they are about to be stuck on a tiny bus for more than five hours, not counting the various stops at disgusting public restrooms… Yeah. Tsukishima really wasn’t looking forward to that. In fact, when he sits down on the bus, he already has that annoying tug in his chest, restricting his breathing. He needs to calm down. The last thing he wanted was to have a full-blown panic attack in front of the whole team, in such a constricted space. He’d been humiliated enough the few times the team saw him having a meltdown.
He rests his head against the window as Yamaguchi sits down next to him. The chatter from the other teens doesn’t waver at all as the bus starts, after biding goodbye to Hinata and Kageyama, who are stuck at school for at least one more day because they have to retake the exams they failed. He hopes that, at least without the two biggest idiots, the travel would be quieter, but it is without factoring in Tanaka and Nishinoya’s equally loud presences. He sighs as both older boys hollered about some inane things about Kioyko’s beauty and other heterosexual things that Tsukishima has no care for at all.
Tsukishima feels his stomach tightening at the first turn. He wanted to embark on the bus on an empty stomach, but his mom had managed to force him to eat some light meal, and he could already feel a fight to keep it inside his stomach and not… everywhere on the bus, his clothes, and his best friend. He tries to calm himself down. He is going to be alright. He is not going to be like Hinata and get sick on the bus. Nope, he refuses it. He wants to sleep. He knows he needs it. They all would, eventually. They weren’t supposed to arrive at Tokyo until the early hours of the morning, due to the various breaks their two drivers would need to take. But he always had trouble sleeping in unfamiliar places. Hell, he barely slept when they were doing the training camp during Golden Week, and they had to stay at school.
An hour into the ride, Tsukishima tries to remember if he took medicine for motion sickness. He reviews his evening before leaving the comfort of his home. He had forced a light dinner down his throat, took his usual medicine, gagged a bit in the bathroom, and finally left after checking his bag for the fourth time. When he arrived, he gave all his medications to Takeda. They weren’t allowed to have their meds with them. They had to leave them with the teachers and the nurses, who would then give them their medicine when it was time for it. Something he found deeply intrusive and infantilizing, but he had no other choice, did he? Still. Even if Takeda had been kind and considerate enough to try not to look at his meds, Tsukishima didn’t like the idea that his teacher, and potentially other people, would find out what medicine he needed.
It was just… Deeply personal. Intimate. He doesn’t care that everyone knows about his autism. He has no problem with that. Because he isn’t ashamed of this word anymore. But that doesn’t mean he is okay with people knowing about his severe depression. Oh, right, Major Depressive Disorder, as it is the official diagnosis placed upon him a couple of years ago. Which was odd, because he had felt the same way for much longer. Low energy. Loss of interest in previous passions or hobbies. Low mood. Sleep issues, either too little or too much. Loss of appetite. Weight loss. Self-harming habits not linked to the involuntary ones did during his meltdowns. Not to mention the occasional but never too far-gone suicidal thoughts. Some of his symptoms had gotten a tad better over the years of therapy and a nice little drug called Aripiprazole. It’s not that he is ashamed of his mental health problems, okay? He isn’t. He just… Well, he would just rather they stayed private. Didn’t mean he was ashamed. Because, again, he isn’t. Not at all. Alright, fine. Is he afraid of being perceived as weak if people know about his depression? Yes. No. Maybe. Oh, God, can’t his brain ever shut up? Look at how peaceful and happy Tanaka and Nishinoya are! So, it is true after all, ignorance is bliss. He envies them. His legs start bobbing up and down.
Another thing he wants to keep hidden from everyone, but would be difficult if people put two and two together after seeing his other medication, his anxiety. As far as he remembers, it had always been there. An invisible life companion, always hanging by his side. Sometimes quiet, sometimes loud. Sometimes resting, sometimes looming, sometimes exploding. His father had mercilessly ridiculed him for that, calling him an even bigger freak when they all thought he ‘only’ had autism. Dick. His mom had been nicer. But as well-meaning as she was, she made some mistakes. Telling him everybody felt like that was one. Because no, mom, not everyone is hyperventilating every day at the idea of going to school. Nor are they shaking, stuttering because they had to interact with people. Not everyone feared failure so much that it plagued them with daily nightmares, paralyzing them during the day, making them unable to make a decision or take action. It feels like watching a train coming at you at full speed, but you’re so terrified that you just can’t move, and instead, you’re simply waiting for the impact, barely bracing for it. Eventually, his anxiety became too much, and coupled with his depression, his mother finally agreed for him to be put on medication for both disorders. He was thirteen when he was put on both Aripiprazole and Prozac. A bit young for it, his mother feared it would be dangerous, but his doctors told her it would be more dangerous if he were left in that state any longer. It had taken some weeks, but eventually, Tsukishima did start to feel a bit better. Not enough to be healed. But enough to be almost functional again.
The rising bile in his throat interrupts his reflection on his prescriptions. Huh. Alright, so, clearly, he had taken his usual treatment, but nothing for motion sickness. When he was a kid, he used to get car sick (and bus sick, and boat sick and even plane sick) all the time. Akiteru and his clothes sure remember all the disastrous family trips that inevitably ended in a rushed but too-late stop on the road. He never liked school trips, and you could easily guess why. It was embarrassing to throw up in front of your family, but it was outright humiliating when it was in front of your whole classroom. Over the years, it had mostly gone away, but every once in a while, his motion sickness liked to make a comeback. And apparently, tonight was the night. He curses himself internally. How could he have been so negligent!?
“Tsukki?”. Tsukishima dares to throw a quick glance at Yamaguchi. His friend is concerned. And knows what was going on. Yamaguchi leans on him to whisper. “Do you need a plastic bag or something?”. Tsukishima wants to say no. That he isn’t going to be sick. Instead, the minute he opened his mouth, he knew he wasn’t going to make it. Fortunately, Yamaguchi remembers the drill from their trips since elementary school. He quickly rummages through the bus seat cargo net and extracts a plastic bag just in time as Tsukishima lurches forward and vomits in it, leaving Yamaguchi to awkwardly pat his back as he keeps retching.
“Here, Tsukishima”. Both boys turn their heads towards the voice, only to find Daichi smiling gently at them, holding out tissues and another plastic bag. Tsukishima wipes his mouth, his blush deepening when Daichi kindly ruffles his hair.
“Do you want me to ask Takeda if we can stop?”. Tsukishima would rather die than attract more attention that’s already coming his way, so he tries to shake his head to say no. Big mistake. Next thing he knows, he is puking in the second bag, handed by Yamaguchi and Daichi just in time again.
“Tsukishima! What’s going on? You’re looking to take Hinata’s place by being the one barfing on the bus this time!?”, Tanaka yells, leaning against his seat, towering over him.
“Tanaka, leave him alone”, Daichi warns, frowning.
“Aw, come on, Daichi, I’m just joking! Puking stories are always funny”.
“Yeah, you didn’t seem to find it hilarious when Hinata threw up in your lap”, Daichi points out, and all Tanaka can do is grumble a muffled apology before sitting back down.
“Huh, Daichi? Do you have any more bags?”, Asahi asks, shaking. After seeing his underclassman vomiting twice in a row, the ace didn’t feel so well either, now. Know the adage, ‘Monkey see, monkey do’?
“Same for me, please”, Kinoshita mumbles, while Ennoshita starts to take his distance from his seatmate.
Suga unbuckles his belt and gets up to join his captain, giving bags to their team members who need them, while Kiyoko goes to the front of the bus.
“Sir, I think we need to stop”, she tells Takeda, in her usual monotonous voice. Takeda and Ukai, who was half-sleeping in his own seat, looked at her, surprised.
“Huh? But our next stop is planned in thirty minutes anyway, why…”
A loud gagging sound can be heard from the back of the bus, before something splatters all over the floor.
“C’mon, Noya! You usually have a better aim than that!” Tanaka yells. Nishinoya coughs before wiping his mouth with his sleeves.
“Shut up, Ryuu! Not my fault, it happened so fast!” Nishinoya responds with just as much gusto.
Kiyoko’s placid eyes are fixed on her teacher.
“So, we need to stop because Tsukishima, Asahi, Kinoshita, and now Nishinoya are all throwing up”, she says, her voice not betraying any sense of panic.
“Yes, I can hear that”, Takeda says while Ukai groans, rubbing the sleep from his face. They need to clean the bus now. Great.
The bus mercifully pulls into a rest stop. Tsukishima is among the first to get off from the bus, a clammy hand clamped to his mouth. It takes nearly twenty minutes for the bus and the kids to be clean and dry again. Fortunately, Yachi and Kiyoko were prepared for everything and had medication against motion sickness for anyone who needed it. Or rather, anyone who was ordered by Ukai and Takeda to take them before they could get on the bus again.
Tsukishima slumps back into his seat, resting his head against the window once again. He is utterly exhausted and miserable. His stomach is still doing loops, and he just prays that the medicine will help him not to be sick again. It’s 10 P.M., and they are still in Miyagi. It is going to be a long night. Tsukishima grinds his teeth, wishing he had something to chew on. Ever since he was a kid, he had the habit of constantly chewing on a lot of things. Crayons, pens, his brother’s sleeves, his own sleeves, some of his figurines and stuffed toys… He doesn’t know why, but that sensation always helps him calm down. It was often a welcoming distraction from other sensory inputs. The same reason why he still has his thumb in his mouth when no one is looking, which is embarrassing enough as it is. Only three people in the world know about that: his mom, Akiteru, and Yamaguchi, and that would be it. The CIA couldn’t waterboard this little fact out of him. Hopefully.
But he has nothing to chew on. Oh, he does have his chewable diplodocus necklace under his sweatshirt, but to reiterate, he would rather die than use it in front of everyone. The same reason why he can’t jam his thumb in his mouth right now to distract himself. And boy does he need a distraction, stat. The smell of disinfectants is pungent, although it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else and is, without a doubt, a better smell than that of vomit. Now that Nishinoya feels a lot better, he and Tanaka are back to being their usual, noisy selves. And Daichi, while well-meaning, only adds to the noise when he yells at them to shut up. Tsukishima slips on his headphones. At least, the noise quiets down a little. Not as much as he’d like, but it’s better than nothing. He looks at his phone and selects a podcast about sharks. Geeky, nerdy podcasts or documentaries always soothe him. Hopefully, it will also distract him from both his car sickness and his threatening sensory overload.
As the hours go by, the breaks are coming far and few in between, as everyone is starting to fall asleep, and unless someone needs the restroom, Takeda and Ukai try not to take too many breaks, so as to avoid waking them up. Which means Tsukishima is soon faced with his other dilemma: he is positively, entirely wiped out. Tired, exhausted, you name it, he is it. But as he stated earlier, he always has trouble falling asleep in an unfamiliar place. And the bus is no exception. He looks around him, his eyelids heavy. Besides him, there are only three people who are awake: Takeda, who is currently driving, Ukai, who has finished his previous nap, and Yamaguchi, who looks just as weary as his childhood friend.
“Yamaguchi, go to sleep”, Tsukishima whispers, his headphones taken off. Yamaguchi startles a bit before looking at him.
“No, Tsukki, I’m fine. I don’t feel tired”. Which would have been convincing had he not yawned right in the middle of his sentence. Yamaguchi chuckles a bit, embarrassed.
“Yeah, your solidarity moves me to tears, really, but you do not have to force yourself to stay awake because I can’t fall asleep”, Tsukishima quietly says.
“I want to keep you company. And make sure you’re alright”, Yamaguchi protests just as quietly.
“There’s no need for it, Yamaguchi. Also, I’m fine. I don’t have nausea anymore, okay? So, if you feel like sleeping, do not fight it”. Yamaguchi looks at him, trying to decipher his expression, searching for the truth, the white little lies, the cracks in his friend’s foundation.
And in doing so, he sees that Tsukishima is wriggling his hands, the bottom of his hoodie all torn up from him messing with it. He notices that Tsukishima is rocking slightly and that his legs are bouncing impatiently. A few seconds pass, and he sees Tsukishima almost putting his thumb in his mouth. He is getting antsy, and it never leads to anything good. He knows the day has been long. They had their morning training, all their classes, afternoon practice that ended rather late, and then, they left less than a couple of hours after that. Yamaguchi knows his friend did not have the time to unwind. His composure is starting to crack, and Yamaguchi flashes back to all the times Tsukishima either had a panic attack or a meltdown in those kinds of situations.
“Hm, tell me about the podcast you were listening to. Maybe if it’s boring enough, I’ll fall asleep”, Yamaguchi teases. Tsukishima frowns.
“It stated that the Greenland sharks have the longest lifespan among all shark species. Scientists think it can live between 250 and 500 years. So, I thought about the living organism with the longest lifespan, glass sponges…
-As one does”, Yamaguchi interrupts gently, tongue in cheek. Tsukishima frowns again, lightly taping his friend on the arm, but Yamaguchi sees the hint of a smile on his lips, and considers it was worth it.
“Glass sponges can live up to more than 10,000 years. And I started to think about how insane that is, based on the timeline we use. Can you imagine? Let’s say a Greenland shark is currently 378 years old. That would mean it was born in the Edo Period, during the Kan’ei era, although you could say it is a bit ethnocentric to phrase it that way. The Greenland shark wouldn’t care about which periods of Japan it lived through. Which would be Edo and its thirty-five eras, then there are the Meiji, Taishou, Shouwa eras, and finally, it is still living in the current one: the Heisei era”. Yamaguchi blinks. He didn’t ask for a history lesson, but he wasn’t exactly surprised either. But he does notice that, instead of calming him down as it usually does when he infodumps, Tsukishima appears even more agitated than before. Hm. Not good.
“And what about the glass sponges, Yamaguchi? Let’s say a glass sponge is currently 9947 years old. So, it would have been born during the Holocene epoch, which is the one we’re living in right now, but it would have been present at its earliest beginning. Maybe during the Boreal period. Anyway, I started to imagine what it would be like to live that long. To witness so many events, so many battles, wars, devastating, life-changing events, and… And I have vertigo, now”. So does Yamaguchi. Thanks, Tsukki!
“Hum”. He tries to come up with something that would make Tsukishima feel better, but he is all out of ideas. Seriously, he wasn’t trained for that. His friend had always been peculiar, and for the most part, that’s what makes Tsukishima so fascinating and unique. But sometimes, even Yamaguchi wants to yell at Tsukki’s brain to leave them both alone.
“I just don’t like the idea of such a long lifespan”, Tsukishima whispers, his breath speeding up a tad. Uh, oh.
“Kids? Everything okay? Why ain’t you sleeping?”. Both Yamaguchi and Tsukishima get startled by the sudden, gruff intrusion. Their coach is looking at them, scratching his stubble, as if wondering what he is supposed to do with two insomniac teens.
“Oh, hum. We were talking about… About…”. Yeah. Yamaguchi has no idea how he is supposed to sum up Tsukishima’s logorrhea.
“Mostly, I was telling Yamaguchi about Greenland sharks and glass sponges. Those are the animals with the longest lifespan, and it just made me feel lost in it, like I was drowning in a sea of infinite time, periods, eras, epochs, and that there was no end to it”, Tsukishima says, his voice as composed as ever, but Yamaguchi knows him well enough to detect his anxiety bubbling up the surface.
“Huh…” is all their coach has to say as his eyes widen. Greenland sharks? What, were they Viking sharks? Glass sponges? What on earth was the kid going on about? Ukai sighs, rubbing his eyes.
“A’ight, huh…”.
“That dark, infinite sea, it’s just like the one we’re in, currently”, Tsukishima mutters, as he fiddles with his fingers some more, looking down.
“Dark? Like, because it’s the night?”, Ukai tries. He can see the kid’s breathing is starting to get a bit erratic, and his tics, or whatever these nervous gestures are called, are also getting worse. He’d seen the kid having meltdowns during practice. But he knows this is a bit different. Either way, he needs to calm the kid down before he starts hyperventilating.
“Okay, okay, slow down, boy. I’m not smart, and I’m not a genius like you, alright?”. Tsukishima nods and lets Yamaguchi hold his hand in a comforting, grounding gesture.
“It just feels endless, and I know it’s not, but it does feel endless”, Tsukishima mutters again. Ukai scratches the back of his head. He wasn’t paid enough for that… Okay, granted, he wasn’t paid at all, but who’s counting? Besides his bank accountant.
“Okay, kiddo, first, take a deep breath, alright?”. When he sees both kids do that, he continues. “Second, you’re right, the journey’s not endless. I know it feels like it, but we’ll arrive in Tokyo in around five hours, tops. Well, maybe six, if traffic is bad. Why don’t you try to sleep? Time’ll go faster that way”. Tsukishima shakes his head.
“Time does not go faster when we are asleep, though”, he counters, frowning. “The Earth would still rotate at the same pace as usual. We simply wouldn’t notice it”. Ukai represses another sigh. Man, smart people like him were kinda hard to deal with. Not because they were insufferable. But simply because they were hard to follow.
“Uh, yeah, you’re right. Just try to relax, and go to sleep, okay?”. He notices that Tsukishima squirms a lot. Which is rather unusual. The boy usually has a worrying lack of energy.
“Hum, do you need the bathroom?”. It’s dark, but Ukai sees well enough to see Tsukishima’s cheeks going pink.
“No. I… I can’t sleep”, Tsukishima quietly admits, as if he were confessing to having killed the emperor.
“Ah. You’re not tired?”. Tsukishima’s face tells the opposite. His eyes are swollen, there are dark circles already appearing underneath them, and he is paler than usual.
“He is. It’s just that he always has trouble falling asleep when he’s not in a familiar environment”, Yamaguchi answers on his friend’s behalf.
“Oh”. So, the kid was exhausted. And so was Yamaguchi. It was sweet of him to stay awake as a way of supporting his friend, but gee, these two seem a bit codependent.
“I see. Is there anything I can do to help you guys?”. Both teens shake their heads. To be honest, Ukai is out of his depth here. He has no training to take care of a teenager, let alone a special-needs teen. Takeda is the one who deals with Tsukishima the most, although he doesn’t have any specific background for it either. But he does have a much easier time than Ukai at managing and helping him. He once told him that, when he learned he would have an autistic student, he did some research to help him and make sure he’d be alright during classes and practices. Ukai admires his dedication. And judging by Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s surprised reactions at the beginning of the year, it might have been the first time that a teacher would get out of their way like this to better understand him.
Ukai exchanges some more unhelpful platitudes and advice with the kids, telling them to try and get some rest because they’ll start right after breakfast when they arrive. Then, he goes back to the front of the bus, sitting next to Takeda. He can’t shake the feeling that he is utterly useless. Both Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were exhausted, but he wasn’t able to help them. He just hopes they will eventually fall asleep, because he’s afraid they won’t be in great shape in the morning otherwise. He also hopes Tsukishima is not about to have a freak out all of a sudden, because his breathing was a bit fast. And so was his speech. Usually, the kid doesn’t say much, and what few words he does, it’s slow and deliberate.
“Is everything okay, Ukai?” Takeda asks him, still focused on the road. The coach sighs, itching for a cigarette. There were some aspects of his job that he hadn’t taken into consideration when he accepted it. Notably, dealing with teenagers and helping them, and not just with volleyball. They need to nurture the kids so they can give their best freely on the court. He knows that. But it’s harder than he thought.
“It’s Tsukishima. He and Yamaguchi are the only ones who still aren’t sleeping. From what I got, Tsukishima has a problem with falling asleep in unfamiliar places or something like that?”. Takeda nods.
“Hm. It makes sense. Children, even teenagers, like routines. And it’s especially true for an autistic child, apparently. I do recall Tsukishima being sleepier than usual during our Golden Week camp. I guess the change of environment upsets him than he’d let on”.
“Yeah. But… I don’t know, the kid was acting weird. All spacey, and he actually talked to me, really fast. Bunch of words I didn’t get, by the way. I mean, come on, usually he doesn’t go out of his way to talk with me, or anyone else who’s not Yamaguchi”. Takeda smiles at that.
“Yes, it’s true. It’s been four months since school started, and from what I can tell, Tsukishima hasn’t gotten any closer to anyone in the club. Or even in his class, for what matters. He seems to crave privacy and quiet. And let’s be real, the other boys are anything but quiet and calm”, Takeda says, chuckling. It’s true. The boys were all rather rambunctious. Ah, youth.
“Specs, do you think his autism makes it harder for him to connect with people? Could it be a problem in the team, later down the road?”, Ukai asks, concerned. And angry and disappointed in himself. He hates the idea of doubting the kid just because of his disability. Or his personality. Takeda ponders his question.
“Hm, well, yes, partly at least. Just like Kageyama, Tsukishima has issues with communicating with others. But it’s more than that, and we shouldn’t blame it all on his autism. I think his personality also gets in the way. Not intentionally. He’s just a very guarded kid; it’ll take him longer to let his walls down. But I do think that eventually, the others will win him over. Yamaguchi or someone else might be the bridge for that”. Ukai looks at the teacher and nods. He was right. They need to trust the kids. All of them.
“Wait, did you say he was behaving weirdly?” Takeda asks, frowning. Ukai nods.
“Yeah, but not like when he’s having a meltdown, you know? It was… Different? Like I said, he was speaking really fast, and I thought he was having trouble breathing. But he seemed better on that aspect before I left. I would’ve stayed by his side otherwise”, Ukai quickly adds. Takeda smiles again.
“I know. I suppose he was feeling anxious, maybe that’s why he was acting like that”.
“Huh. That’s odd. I never thought Tsukishima could have anxiety. Asahi, Yachi, and Yamaguchi, yeah, I totally see it, but Tsukishima is just so… in control, y’know? He’s always cool-headed. Well, unless he’s having a… a sensory overload? Is that the word?”. Takeda nods.
“I’m not surprised. Usually, kids like that, who are very in control and so stoic, most of the time, it’s just a façade. A way to protect themselves from the exterior world. And when a kid is in control, it’s typically because they have anxiety and they’re trying to curate it by controlling every aspect of their life and by concealing everything. Which isn’t healthy or helpful, but I can’t fault them for that. It’s often the only tool at their disposal. And they’re more likely to have self-esteem or confidence issues. I mean, remember your own teenage years. And your classmates. Some who seemed so confident, almost arrogant, were riddled with anxiety or self-hatred. They were actually the most fragile and vulnerable of all”, Takeda explains. And Ukai reflects on his own adolescence. On how, sometimes, he wanted to hide from the world. Afraid of being judged, being mocked on and off the court. And how he’d never let it show. Because that would be showing a weakness, a vulnerability. And no one, especially a teen, wants to do that.
“Huh. That makes a lot of sense”, Ukai whispers. Then, he glances towards Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. “Wait, do you think I should go check on him again? To make sure that he’s not having a panic attack or something?”. Not that he would be able to guide him through it anyway. Oh, man, he really needed to add a few tricks up his sleeve if he wanted to be a good coach.
“Hmm… Unless one of them seems too much in distress, let’s not overcrowd them. They’re clearly very used to one another, and Yamaguchi is better than us at helping Tsukishima”. Ukai hums quietly. Takeda was right. It was all going to be okay.
Finally, after hours of driving, they arrived in Tokyo. Ukai cracks his back as the boys all run off the bus to happily (and loudly) greet the Nekoma team. He hears Takeda laughing a little.
“Ah, I think they’ve finally solved their sleeping issues”. Ukai turns his head and nearly facepalms. Tsukishima was finally sleeping… standing up against the bus, seemingly unaware that they had arrived.
“Are you kidding me? Now he’s asleep?”, Ukai mutters. A few seconds later, he sees Nishinoya, in his 159cm glory, pushing and guiding a still very sleepy Tsukishima.
“C’mon, dude, wake up already! We’re here! We’re gonna eat breakfast and then, training begins!” the libero yells excitedly. Tsukishima simply yawns, rubbing his eyes. An equally zombified Yamaguchi follows them sleepily. Uh… Yeah. It was going to be alright, surely, Ukai thinks as the morning sun is already warming them up, announcing a particularly hot week in the capital.
Chapter 2: Ugh, training. Ugh, noise. Ugh, people. Ugh - Oh, hey, Kuroo!
Summary:
This is day 1 and already, Tsukishima is getting this close to stealing the keys of the van and driving himself back home. But he can't reasonably do that, so instead, he suffers. Alas.
Chapter Text
Day 1 of the training camp in Tokyo. So far, not so good. The breakfast had been a bit of a disaster. It took almost five minutes to convince Tsukishima to at least enter the Shinzen cafeteria once he saw how many hungry and noisy students were packed inside. This was only half the battle. Yamaguchi had to then coax him gently for him to eat at least small portions, before Tsukishima took advantage of Tanaka and Nishinoya having a loud discussion with some of the boys from Nekoma to sneak out of the cafeteria.
But then, the real training started. Tsukishima felt his ears explode as soon as he stepped inside the vast gymnasium. It was twice as wide as theirs at Karasuno, and it had four teams currently doing drills. In total, there must have been close to one hundred players, plus a dozen coaches, teachers, supervisors, and half a dozen managers, including their two own. What little is inside his stomach is not settling great. Before he can make a quick dash towards the door and freedom, Daichi grips his arm firmly, smiling at him.
“Now, now, let’s go, Tsukishima!”.
“Yeah! Those city boys ain’t got nothing on us!”, Tanaka hollers. Tsukishima winces. First of all, he was too loud. They all were. Second, of course, those “city boys” have everything on them. How could they not see it? Those teams were all so much better than they were. They stood no chance; it was ridiculous to think they could win any of their practice matches. What was the point, giving your all against an adversary way too powerful compared to you? It felt crushing. Soul-crushing. But Tsukishima didn’t say that, because he knew it was a waste of time.
And he was proven right. Very quickly, actually. Their team ends up being decimated each time, at every match they participate in. It pains him to admit it, but without the idiot duo, they are nothing. It’s not even noon when it hits him: if he weren’t there, it wouldn’t change anything for the team. If Kageyama and Hinata were there but he wasn’t, the team would still be just as strong. The familiar sensation of the pang in his chest made itself known again. It just kept growing as the hours went by. Each time he was blocked. Each time he failed to block. Or to spike. Or to serve. He doesn’t know what’s more suffocating: the temperature, the crowd, or his own anxiety. He never should have come. He never, ever, ever, should have joined that stupid club. He –
“Oi, Glasses? Ya alright?”. Tsukishima catches his breath as Kuroo is suddenly very close to him, his face only a few centimeters away from his, watching him curiously. How much did he space out not to realize that Nekoma’s captain got so close to him!? The younger boy takes a step back, hoping he could blame his blushing on the heat, rather than on whatever Kuroo was doing to his body. Stupid hormones.
“Nothing. I’m just…”, Tsukishima trails off as Kuroo’s shark grin widens as he gets even closer to him. Tsukishima takes another step back, still not meeting the captain’s eyes. And speaking of captains…
“Hey, Kuroo! Stop bothering my junior!”, Daichi yells playfully.
“Not my fault, he’s too cute not to tease!”, Kuroo pleads. Okay. Wait. What? Cute?
“Yeah, well, he’s not yours to tease! Tease your own first-years, not ours!”, Tanaka replies. Seriously, could everyone back off and shut up so Tsukishima could rewind what just happened!? Kuroo said he was cute. Granted, it wasn’t a direct compliment but…
“Tsukishima? Are you okay? You’re a bit red”, Sugawara asks him nicely. Tsukishima blinks several times before nodding as he drinks from his bottle, trying to give himself some composure.
“It’s lunch time, and Tsukishima, this time, I expect you to eat everything on your tray! I’m counting on you!”, Daichi says. Ugh. Tsukishima knows it’s not very polite, but he can’t hold back a sigh. Why, why was everyone so obsessed with his eating habits!? They weren’t his mother!
“Oh? You too, you also have a picky eater and bird-appetite player in your team? And yes, Kenma, I’m talking about you!”, Kuroo says, addressing the last bit to his setter, who groans.
“Ugh, I’ve already told you, Kuro, I don’t 'eat like a bird', I simply don’t overeat like most of you”. Yes, exactly. Thank you very much, dear Nekoma setter whom Tsukishima doesn’t know that well but still agrees with, nonetheless.
After finally getting rid of his pushy, though well-meaning, team and Kuroo, Tsukishima manages to make a quick detour to the infirmary to have his meds, with Yamaguchi on his heels. And now, for the second time today, was one of his worst nightmares: mealtimes. With around a hundred people. The cafeteria they had lunch at was even bigger than the one they ate in this morning. And the lights? Neon upon neon.
“I’m not going”, he simply declares, before trying to take off. Right on cue, Tsukishima finds himself face to face with Daichi, who has his “You better behave” patented smile on his face.
“Come on, Tsukishima! Time to eat!”. Less than two minutes later, Tsukishima is sitting down at his team’s table, with a tray a bit too full for his taste, surrounded by his upperclassmen who intend to make him eat. Why were they acting like the witch in Hansel and Gretel, trying to fatten him up before cooking him into a stew!?
They’re sitting too close to him. The smell of the food is too overpowering. The lights hurt his eyes. And of course, the noise. It bleeds into his ears. He can pick up several different discussions, different intonations. He can hear two or three people, a couple of tables away from theirs, having a spat. He can’t tell if it’s heated or in good jest. All he knows is that they’re annoying him. Then, there’s the noise of people chewing, swallowing their food, drinking their water, and even though no one else seems to care about that, Tsukishima feels these tiny noises still drilling holes into his skull. He wants his headphones. He wants to scream. He wants to go home. He wants it to stop. But it’s not possible. So, trying to ignore the agony between his ears, he picks at his food. Each bite is yet another sensory input just piling up upon another one, and Tsukishima has to fight his nausea every time.
He glances at the clock. He’s been here for less than ten minutes. He barely ate one-third of his plate, but he doubts he could do more. He also doubts Daichi or Sugawara will let him leave the table, unfortunately. He so wishes he could. Or at least bang his head against the table until he blacked out. Or maybe bang his teammates’ heads instead. How gross could they be!? They are in high school and still have zero manners. Talking, eating with your mouth open? And did they have to make that much noise? Ugh! And can’t someone turn the lights off? His eyes are hurting so much, he’s getting close to ripping them off.
“Uh… Tsukishima, you good, bro?”, Nishinoya asks as he is scarfing down the giant portion of rice on his tray.
“Oh, yeah. You look pissed. Like, more than usual, I mean”, Tanaka adds. “Come on, dude, just relax and eat. How hard can it be?”.
“I would probably be in a better mood if you people had manners that didn’t remind me of Jabba the Hutt”, Tsukishima spats before he can stop himself. Internally, he bites his tongue and tells himself that he was dumb. Externally, his sour expression tells the others that they’re dumb.
“What the hell did you just say!?”, Tanaka yells. Tsukishima winces. Why, why did he have to be so loud? Had Tanaka never heard of a little concept called indoor voice?
“You two, enough!”, Daichi says, his booming voice rising easily above the loud chatters in the cafeteria, making people stop talking to look at them. Tsukishima flinches involuntarily before bringing his hands to his ears.
“Sorry, Daichi…”, Tanaka apologizes before shooting a worried glance at his underclassman. Yamaguchi has his right hand rubbing soft circles on his friend’s arm, trying to soothe him, while Daichi starts to feel a bit guilty.
“Hum, Tsukishima? Everything’s fine. I’m not mad, okay?”. No response from the taller boy.
“Tsukishima, do you want to go take some fresh air?”, Sugawara suggests. “Ah, you’re not being punished! I just figured you’re starting to get a bit overwhelmed”, he quickly adds, not wanting his junior to mistake his intention. Tsukishima nods, his hands still clapped over his ears.
“I’ll go with you, Tsukki!”, Yamaguchi says as his friend gets up.
“It’s okay, Yamaguchi. Finish your lunch, I’ll accompany Tsukishima”, Daichi says, smiling gently at him as he guides Tsukishima out of the cafeteria. In the corner of his eyes, his hands still covering his ears, Tsukishima sees Kuroo giving him a glance he can’t quite decipher. Pity? Curiosity? Hard to say. Hard to know. Hard to see. He hated the idea of people looking at him in this state, but it was even worse if Kuroo witnessed it. He doesn’t really know why. It’s stupid. Who cares, really?
Daichi sits him down on the stairs, a little bit further in the hallway, far from the noise and the ruckus. As Tsukishima rests his head in his arms, knees brought up against his chest, Daichi crouches down, trying to assess the situation.
“Do you need anything?”, he asks him quietly. Some seconds pass, as the noise finally stops drowning Tsukishima before the younger boy can answer.
“Head… Headphones”, he stutters, barely recovering from his sensory overload. His nails are still making marks on his skin, as his knuckles are blanching from his grip.
“Okay, I’m gonna go get them. Are they in your bag? In the dorm, right?”, Daichi asks, and when Tsukishima nods, the captain wonders if he can really leave the boy alone. And when his underclassman starts scratching himself while being seemingly unaware of what he is doing, Daichi feels like he shouldn’t leave.
“Sawamura?”. The soft voice of their teacher stops Daichi’s spiral of self-doubt and hesitation. Takeda smiles at him as he steps towards his two students.
“You can go back to the cafeteria. I’ll take Tsukishima to the dorm for a bit, so he can rest and have his headphones”. Daichi looks at his teacher, then at Tsukishima, hesitating. He doesn’t want to disobey Takeda, but he feels like a bad captain, leaving his underclassman like that. Fortunately, Takeda’s usual perceptiveness sees right through him.
“Do not worry, Sawamura. I’ll take it from here”. Daichi nods before leaving after ruffling Tsukishima’s hair gently and quickly. Once he was sure he had stopped shaking, Tsukishima stood up from the stairs before silently following Takeda, his eyes fixed on the ground. The only time he looks up, he sees Kuroo leaning out of the cafeteria, and the blond teen feels his entire face and body heat up in shame and self-loathing. Why, why did Kuroo have to witness him being led to the dorms, like an unruly, bratty little kid being punished by his mommy?
He tries to put an end to his negative thoughts as he sits down in the dorm, to no avail. Seriously, how could he already have a meltdown on the first day!? How ridiculous was that? He could have understood if he’d freaked out on the third or fourth day, when the frustration and anxiety had accumulated, but nooooo, he had to be a big baby on the first day! He barely held it together until lunch. And Kuroo saw it. Gah, why does he always circle back to Kuroo?
“Tsukishima? Here are your headphones”, Takeda whispers. There was no need anymore for them, since they were away from the noise. But Tsukishima still wanted them, still needed them. So, he puts them on his head, enjoying the light pressure against his ears as he keeps fiddling with his fingers, almost roughly pulling on them.
“Tsukishima, try that”, Takeda suggests softly. He looks at him and sees that his teacher is holding an infinity cube.
“I don’t know if you have a lot of fidget tools, but I’ve heard that they can be quite useful to self-regulate”. Hesitantly, Tsukishima takes it.
“T… Thanks”, he stutters. He appreciates Takeda’s efforts to understand and help him, even if it’s awkward sometimes. He lets his fingers run on the smooth surface of the infinity cube. It’s made of dice, and the slight round bumps have a strangely soothing effect on him. It doesn’t take him long before he starts playing with, immersing himself in all the possibilities he can fold the cube into. He tries to quiet down that annoying little voice telling him that he was childish for being soothed by that, simply focusing on regaining his composure. His eyes were heavy, and he had that fuzzy, cottony feeling that he always had after a meltdown, although that one hadn’t been that bad.
“Tsukishima, would you like to rest for a bit until training starts again?”, Takeda asks him. The boy frowns slightly. He was determined to prove that he wasn’t a baby. He didn’t need to take a nap. God, he was pathetic, why –
“Tsukishima, you haven’t slept at all during our travel here, right?”, Takeda asks, interrupting his overthinking.
“Huh… No, sir. I didn’t”.
“So, rest. Your lack of sleep is probably why your meltdown happens faster”, Takeda reasons. “Ah, sorry, I don’t want to sound patronizing. It’s just… There is no shame in being tired. And there is no shame in needing to rest”, he adds. Tsukishima nods. He’s not fully convinced, but he does want to be alone for a little bit. Satisfied, Takeda leaves the room.
Tsukishima didn’t manage to sleep. The opposite would have surprised him. But he does feel better and rested now that he has had the time to cool down. Well, except for his shame and guilt that is eating him alive, feeding his anxiety, making it bigger and bigger until he can feel it sitting on his chest, constricting his breathing. How was he going to face his team after his pathetic outburst? Granted, they already saw him having more, err, visual and brutal meltdowns, but still. This was embarrassing. Everything was. And Kuroo? Nope, not going here. He needs to stop thinking about Nekoma’s hot captain. Nope, wait, scratch that, he’s not Nekoma’s hot captain, he’s just Nekoma’s captain. He wasn’t hot. Okay, Kuroo wasn’t ugly, obviously. Tsukishima pinches himself lightly, scolding himself mentally. Dumbass. Now wasn’t the time to think with your, err, southerner brain.
A light knock on the door, fortunately, interrupts him before his stupid hormone-addled brain decides to act on its own.
“Tsukishima? Do you feel better? Ready for the afternoon training?”, Daichi asks. Tsukishima nods as he stands up, stretching lazily. He slips the infinity cube in his short pocket. It is only then that he notices a slightly flustered Tanaka.
“Hey, Tsukishima. I, huh… I’M SORRY!”, Tanaka suddenly shouts, before clasping a hand on his mouth when he sees the younger player getting a bit startled.
“Shit. Sorry”, Tanaka apologizes quietly, trying to modulate his voice.
“Hm. It’s… It’s okay. I… I also apologize. I should not have snapped at you”, he says, fiddling with his fingers again, not making eye contact. He needed to show that he was mature. That he wasn’t a baby and that he shouldn’t be treated as one. Daichi smiles at his two underclassmen.
“Now, I’m proud of you! Tsukishima, next time you’re starting to feel overwhelmed, or like you’re about to have a, y’know, huh…
-Meltdown?
-Yes! Don’t hesitate to tell us. Or, like, if you feel like you can’t tell us, just… Y’know. Get up and leave the room or do whatever so you’ll feel better, okay? We won’t be upset”. Tsukishima nods. Yeah. He needs to work on that. Usually, he’s a bit better at managing his triggers, but in a new and unfamiliar environment, he’s often at a loss for a while.
The rest of the training is mostly okay. Mostly because he’s doing his best to avoid Kuroo. Which isn’t so hard until their paths cross in the gym, during a rare moment of calm.
“Hey, Glasses. Are you okay?”, Kuroo asks him. Kuroo’s nickname gives him an idea to stall and pretend that he is not flustered by the interaction AT. ALL: he takes off his glasses, cleaning them with the hem of his shirt.
“Hm, why wouldn’t I be?”, Tsukishima tries to ask casually, failing miserably. Not that Kuroo appears to notice.
“Oh, sorry, it’s just… I thought you were sick in the cafeteria”, Kuroo says, scratching his neck. Tsukishima puts his glasses back on, stealing a quick glance at Kuroo. Ugh. Why did he have to be so hot and beautiful!? Was it because of his earlier complaint about there being no cute or hot boys at camp? Seriously? Ugh, fate could be so immature, sometimes! Whatever. Tsukishima doesn’t care how hot Kuroo is. He really doesn’t.
“I wasn’t sick. I was… I was, hm. I wasn’t sick”, he replies, flustered. Ugh. Could he please have a break?
“Oh. Okay, that’s good to hear”, Kuroo says, smiling at him so earnestly, so frankly, so brightly, Tsukishima almost wants to put on sunglasses instead. Double ugh. Fuck that guy for being hot and nice, this shouldn’t be allowed.
“Kuroo! Stop picking on the little first years!”, Nekoma’s libero, Yaku, yells at his captain.
“Little? Yaku, he’s way taller than you! Like, by a huge margin!”, Nekoma’s newbie, Lev Haiba, happily and blissfully replies. Which, thankfully, earns him the ire of his upperclassman, who kicks his ass, distracting Kuroo enough that Tsukishima can sneak off to Yamaguchi’s side.
Speaking of Yamaguchi, he’s looking at him intensely, and Tsukishima doesn’t like that.
“What?”, he mutters.
“Hmmm…”.
“Seriously, what?”, he insists.
“Hmm… Nothing. Kuroo seems very nice, huh?”, Yamaguchi teases gently, grinning. Now, why was everyone under the extremely wrong impression that Yamaguchi was an angel ascended from Heaven, hm? He was a dick. Otherwise, Tsukishima doesn’t think they would have ever gotten along anyway.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi”. His so-called friend giggles at that, choking a small “Sorry, Tsukki”. Yup. Dick.
During the breaks, Takeda allows him to have his headphones, as long as he is still being careful and pays attention to his environment. Ugh. All of that because his mother, his doctor, and this traitor called Yamaguchi had warned the teachers that Tsukishima occasionally tends to wander off, especially if he’s overwhelmed. Seriously. You get lost a couple of times as a kid, and suddenly, everybody’s acting like you’re a constant runaway. He wasn’t. Okay, fine, sometimes, when he gets too overwhelmed or panicked, he does take off, trying to find a peaceful, quiet environment, and yeah, sometimes, he does stay hidden until he comes back to his senses. So, what?
Their next practice match is against Fukurodani. So far, they’ve lost every single one. And they had to do penalties each time. Ugh, ugh, and uuuuugh. Tsukishima feels the sweat cooling off his skin; he feels sticky and gross and wants to take a shower. Or a bath. Or a shower, then, a nice, long, bubble bath. With a nice bath bomb that smells so good and colors the water pink or purple. Yes, he likes ‘girly’ things. Is that a problem? No? Yeah, didn’t think so.
He tries to wipe as much sweat as he can before taking a sip of water.
“Ah, Tsukishima, I… I, huh, I think you should drink more!”, a squeaky voice from the ground tells him. Huh? Tsukishima looks down. Oh, yeah. The manager in training. Yachi. Right.
“Huh?”, is all he has to say. He tries to be more mindful when he talks to a girl. Can’t upset them. That’s not how his mother (and Akiteru) raised him. Not that she raised him to be an asshole to boys, but eh, he thinks most of them deserve it anyway, so who cares? Still. He doesn’t want to scare her or be mean to her. But she’s such a teeny, tiny nervous wreck, and he has forty centimeters on her and he has the worst resting bitch face, so of course, she’s always scared when she talks to him. Or anyone else, for that matter.
“Ah, sorry! It’s just that sometimes, I’ve noticed that you’re not drinking enough! Compared to others, I mean! And it’s really starting to get hot, so you need to be careful, so you won’t get dehydrated!”, she says, speaking fast, her arms scrambling in all sorts of places. Hm. She was probably right. Wouldn’t be the first time he ends up being dehydrated. Not because he doesn’t like to drink, he just tends to forget it.
“Here! Oh, and the coaches gave us sports drinks for you guys! They say the temperature is going to rise, so they want you to be fully hydrated”, Yachi dutifully explains to him, as she gives him another bottle. He nods before thanking her, and this time, he drinks as she watches carefully. He’s bothered by the attention, but he knows she means well, and she does the same with everybody. So at least, she’s not singling him out.
When the practice match starts again, Tsukishima has a hard time focusing on the ball. The rest of the team seems out of it as well. Was it… Was it really because Hinata and Kageyama weren’t there? The team’s whole energy has shifted, and not for the better. It feels unbalanced, incomplete. And once again, as the ball blasts through Tsukishima’s block, he can’t quite tell the little voice telling him how much he sucks to shut up. Because deep down, he knows the voice is right. He is lame. He is tired. He is not good enough. He’ll never be good enough. After another missed block, he impulsively pulls at his hair. Just once. It’s brief and in the ruckus of the gymnasium, almost no one notices it. But when Tsukishima turns his head to the left, he meets Kuroo’s worried gaze. He lets go of his hair, pretending that he was only scratching it. That he wasn’t hurting himself.
He takes a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. For once, he lets his mind wander a bit further than usual. He always had that strange capacity, as a child, to completely detach himself from reality. Even before the incident with Akiteru. Capacity might be a bit of an exaggeration. He didn’t really have any true control over it. And it wasn’t a superpower. No, it was simply dissociation. Shutdown. For a few minutes, it works. He sees himself out of his body, so he responds a bit better to his blocks. Not perfect. But good enough that he isn’t frustrated and angry with himself.
The loud and sudden opening of the door brings him back to reality sooner than he would have liked. He turns his head towards the sound, like everyone else.
They have finally arrived. The idiot duo, panting, looking ready to kick everyone’s ass. And just like that, Tsukishima is pissed off all over again.
Chapter 3: Anxiety, weighted blankets and some pretty, shiny stars
Summary:
Now that their team is complete thanks to the idiot duo, Tsukishima's insecurities and anxiety raise their ugly heads, messing with him. Add to that a hot-headed setter and you've got the perfect recipe for a disaster. And in the middle of that, Tsukishima still hopes he won't come out of it looking like a massive fool in Kuroo's eyes...
Notes:
Phew, this was a long one! Sorry for the wait, I really hope you'll enjoy this one as well. Thanks for the kudos and comments, it makes me so happy! Hurray for Autistic Tsukki! The romance should start for real (but still a bit slow) with the second camp and the 3rd Gym Training.
Chapter Text
Tsukishima brushes the sweat off his forehead while gently massaging his temples. Ever since the idiot duo came back, the training and the matches have been more intense than ever. Their team is still, unsurprisingly, losing all matches and nearly all sets, but there is a new energy. They are all more eager, hungrier, and more determined. All of them. Except one. Tsukishima himself, of course. He has never been a very motivated person to begin with. But with what happened to his brother years ago, and his own mental health issues, it made it even more difficult for him to be determined.
Most of the time, he lacks the drive. What’s the point of giving your all if you’re going to fail anyway? It’s a waste of time, a waste of energy. And he hates false hope. He doesn’t want to hurt himself, be it physically or emotionally. Being truly, one hundred percent invested would be too dangerous. The higher you climb, the harder you fall after all, isn’t it? When Tsukishima thinks about the road ahead, he just wants to stop everything. He wants to get off the vehicle, give up, and return home rather than continue. All the matches, all the teams they might have to play against, it’s akin to a huge summit, and he feels too tired to even try climbing it.
And when it’s not his lack of drive causing him troubles, it’s his anxiety. The one yelling at him that he isn’t good enough. That he will never be good enough. That his teammates are tired of him anyway. That the coach is probably thinking about replacing him. And if he isn’t, then he should be. It gnaws at him every second he’s awake. It disturbs his sleep, because he either has insomnia or nightmares, rarely in between, and a true respite. Sometimes, he can keep it at bay. But quite frankly, he’s no longer doing a good job at it. On the second day, right after dinner, he had to sneak out to take a breather, away from everyone else. And when he was all alone with his thoughts and no music to block them out or drown them out, they ended up spiraling, swirling in his head until he couldn’t breathe.
It took him several minutes to calm down and regain some control. When he passed by the gym, he saw that they were full. Everyone was still going. After an entire day of training, drills, and practice matches. Where did they find the energy? The desire? The yearning? Everything that Tsukishima lacked. He felt his stomach twisting. When he met Yamaguchi’s gaze, he saw it. It was faint, and maybe it was just his paranoia, but Tsukishima could have sworn that his best friend, his only friend, seemed… disappointed when he shook his head ‘No’ at the implied question: do you want to do more?
It would be easy (well, almost easy) to ignore the whole team being mad or disappointed at him. Or at least, Tsukishima liked the idea that he could handle it. But not being good enough in Yamaguchi’s eyes… That one would hurt like hell. What if he ended up driving Yamaguchi away? Out of the two of them, most people would peg Yamaguchi for being the weakest, the neediest of them. The one who desperately clings to the other. Who didn’t feel complete without him. But deep down, Tsukishima knew it wasn’t the truth. Sure, they had always been in their own little bubble ever since they met, but in the past few months, Yamaguchi had truly begun to come out of his shell. He had asked Shimada to mentor him; he had gotten closer with the idiot duo and Yachi… Meanwhile, Tsukishima was just stuck. He didn’t form any meaningful bonds with the rest of the team. Not for a lack of trying on their parts. Just his. He didn’t want to let people in. Because then, they would get to see how truly lame he was. And he could feel his energy being drained even more if he got closer to other people.
Maybe that’s why he keeps avoiding Kuroo. Despite how frequently Nekoma’s captain would come across him and try to talk, Tsukishima always finds a way to get rid of him politely but quickly. He doesn’t know why, but Kuroo keeps coming to him, making jokes, always looking at him, even though he doesn’t even seem to know his name. He always calls him Glasses. How creative. How observant. He sighs and flinches a bit when the whistle blows.
“Alright, guys, that was good! Don’t lose hope and keep on fighting, okay?”, Coach Ukai tells them after the match ends. Yet another match they lost. But who’s counting? They all groan in agreement, before doing their diving drills, the usual punishment.
It only takes two minutes after they’re done for the first fight to explode in their team. With the usual culprits, Hinata and Kageyama, also known as Dumb and Dumber.
“You should have jumped higher! It was so easy to make!”, the setter yells. Of course, the tangerine takes the bait immediately. Daichi and Sugawara groan. Coach Ukai and Takeda sigh and facepalm. While the rest of the team look at the two arguing as usual, but with more bites than ever. Tsukishima can see that Yachi is stressed and anxious at the idea that they might end up in a physical fight like last time. Everyone is exhausted, on edge. It’s a good thing there’s only one more day. It’s a bad thing they’ll have to come back in less than two weeks for the other training camp, in Shinzen. That one will last an entire week, and Tsukishima already wants to find a doctor to induce him into a coma, so he’ll have an excuse not to go.
“Huh, Karasuno’s team sure is, huh… Energetic”, one of Ubugawa's players whispers to his teammate.
“Ha, yeah. They’re funny”, his friend replies, an amused expression on his face.
“Oh, please, they’re just so immature”.
Tsukishima doesn’t dare to look at who said that. It doesn’t matter who did. He knows they’re right. Their team is immature. Especially, them, the first years. And yes, he has to include himself, because truth be told, he isn’t as mature as one would think. They’re always bickering or arguing. Always. It’s either Kageyama and Hinata, or him and Kageyama, or Hinata and him. Or the three at the same time. Yamaguchi is the only one who never participates. On the contrary, he’s always the peacemaker among their group. Well, he and Yachi try, at least. Tanaka often has a firm grip on them, which is surprising given how chaotic he can be when left to his own devices with Nishinoya.
“C’mon, man, you’re being a little harsh, don’t you think? We’re all kinda immature when we’re starting high school, just chill out”.
This time, Tsukishima has no need to turn around to know who the voice belongs to. Kuroo. Ugh. How he hates that he memorized his voice, his calm, placid intonation, his teasing way… Tsukishima needs the training camp to end for several reasons, his growing attraction to Kuroo being chief among them. He doesn’t even understand why he’s so attracted to him. Okay, yes, Kuroo is hot, we’ve covered that already. But is there really nothing more? So, what, Tsukishima just happens to be yet another gay horny teenage boy who doesn’t care about anything else but physical appearance? How disappointing. He would’ve hoped he’d be more thoughtful than that and less superficial.
Kuroo notices him staring at him and grins widely.
“Hey, Glasses”. Tch. Stupid heart doing a stupid skip and a stupider loop. “D’you see anything interesting?”, Kuroo asks him. Hmph.
“No. Now, if you’ll excuse me”, he says as he takes his leave to sit on the stairs, next to Yamaguchi.
“Hey, morons, when Coach said to keep fighting, he didn’t mean it that way”, he snarks to Kageyama and Hinata, who snap their attention back to him.
“Why are you always so mean, Meanieshima!?”, Hinata yells, indignant. Tsukishima smirks. Ah, well, he’ll behave in a more mature way later. It’s too funny to tease the idiot duo, and Tsukishima believes that he deserves some fun. It’s called self-care. Ever heard of it?
“Shut up, Beanpole!”, Kageyama snarls at the same time. “And YOU could’ve also jumped higher during the match!”. Tsukishima frowns. Ugh. So annoying, that guy…
“Oh, my apologies, is His Majesty not satisfied enough with my performance? Does His Highness happen to find it subpar?”, he asks, his smirk still plastered on his face. This should be fun. He wonders if Kageyama will take the bait.
“Sub… Subwhat? Argh, you’re the worst! Just move your scrawny ass, you’re blocking the way!”. Mission accomplished. Still, though, this is the most fun Tsukishima has had since they got there. He wants to push it a little more.
“Well, since my ass is scrawny, surely you won’t have any problem circumventing me, right, King?”. Kageyama blinks and scrunches his face, the way he does when Tsukishima and Yachi are trying to explain to him simple mathematics.
“Cir… Vent? Can’t you talk like a NORMAL person!? Why do you always have to use big ass words I don’t understand!?”, Kageyama yells.
“I’m not responsible for your astonishing lack of vocabulary, King”, Tsukishima snaps in return.
“See! You keep doing it again!”. Yamaguchi groans and rubs his temples.
“Guys, enough. Let’s all calm down”.
“Yamaguchi’s right. Y’all are annoyed and snappy because it’s late, we’re exhausted, but we still have another match to play. So, settle down”, Tanaka intervenes. When he wants to, he can really act like a good, responsible, reliable upperclassman. Not that Tsukishima would ever tell him that.
“I’m not tired! Unlike Four-Eyes over here, I’ve got loads of energy!”, Kageyama protests. Tsukishima rolls his eyes.
“Yes, congratulations on having the same energy levels as a Husky puppy on methamphetamines, it’s a real exploit. Kudos, my Liege”, Tsukishima drawls. Before Kageyama can reply – or rather, before Tanaka can hold him back and tell them to knock it off once more – Kuroo and Daichi enter the gymnasium again, interrupting their little spat. Kuroo is chuckling lightly as he leans towards Karasuno’s captain.
“Tss, tss, see what I mean, my dear Daichi, when I tell you that you can’t let your kids alone for one minute?”. Daichi laughs as he agrees. Tsukishima bites his lips as he feels his face heating up. Ugh, great, now he looks like an immature brat in Kuroo’s eyes! That’s not what he wanted! Stupid Kageyama. It’s entirely his fault, really.
“Huh? Four-Eyes, why are you all red all of a sudden?”, Kageyama asks, making everyone look at Tsukishima’s blushing face. Yep. Stupid, stupid Kageyama, as Tsukishima curses him in his mind.
“I just stood too long in the sun, that’s all”, Tsukishima grumbles as he stands up and joins the gym, not wanting to let this discussion go any further. Fortunately for him, their final match of the day was about to start. Oh, joy.
During their match against Ubugawa, the tensions kept increasing between Kageyama and Hinata, still frustrated that they couldn’t create a new, better quick fast enough. They would start fighting or yelling at each other during the game, interrupting everyone until either Daichi or Ukai would intervene and berate them for it. Tsukishima doesn’t have his headphones, and so, he can hear all the whispers, all the little shared laughs about them. He knows their team is the weakest, and also the less serious one. Now, he wouldn’t say he was ashamed of it, but still. He doesn’t know why, but it stings, even though it’s all in good spirits and none of it is serious. But each time Kuroo grins and shakes his head at their team’s antics, Tsukishima hates it. And he hates it because he doesn’t want to care about Kuroo’s opinion. Or anyone else’s, really.
Tsukishima sighs. He’s exhausted, his eyes are hurting just as much as his joints, and he wants to give up everything. He can feel a dip in his mood. Not severe enough that he’ll have a breakdown right at this moment, but he knows what’s ahead of him, as it has happened several times over the last few years. He will soon have no motivation to eat or get out of bed, either sleeping too much, or not sleeping enough, simply rotting in bed, letting his imagination spiral out of control, letting his fears, his anxiety take over him. If he can hold on just a little bit longer, he’ll get to break apart for the rest of the vacation and won’t be a complete mess for the next camp. Not that he cares about that. He just wants peace. Not reproach.
He knows he’s on edge. He tries to calm himself down. And for the most part, he almost succeeds. But then, he and Kageyama bump into each other after a (failed) block, which ticked them off. Tanaka manages to keep the situation under control, but after another (failed as well) spike, Kageyama explodes.
“Are you kidding me!? Can’t you move a bit more!? It’s like you have zero energy and zero stamina!”. Tsk. Tsukishima knows the setter is partly right. He has no energy left, and his stamina is nearly over as well. He can’t breathe, his head is spinning, and he can feel the bile rising in his throat, threatening to escape. He knows part of it is because he hasn’t been eating enough. He has tried. Really. But he has even less of an appetite when he is not in a familiar, safe environment. And if he does manage to eat, he sometimes gets sick because of a sudden smell or texture that he wasn’t expecting. So, yes, he is absolutely, positively exhausted. But go explain that to someone who is as stubborn and as healthy as Kageyama. It pisses him off.
“Hush, you tyrant. Not everyone has the luxury of having as much energy as you do”, Tsukishima replies, too annoyed to ignore him.
“Luxury!? It has nothing to do with that! You’re out of breath and out of energy because you don’t train enough!”.
There is a silence on the side of their court when Kageyama finishes his sentence. To his credit, the setter does appear to regret his little outburst. But once words are out, you can’t take them back. Tsukishima knows that. Just like he knows that the setter is right. He has one of the lowest stamina on the team and he’s not exactly working hard to improve it. Just because he knows it doesn’t mean he likes being reminded of that fact. Or being blamed.
“Tch. Can you not scream like you’re talking to a dog!? You’re behaving exactly like you did in middle school”, Tsukishima says, maybe in haste, surely in anger, and in less than two seconds, Kageyama has grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Instinctively, Tsukishima digs his nails into Kageyama’s hand. Leave me alone, don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me, he chants in his mind, alerted.
“Kageyama, Tsukishima! Enough you two!”, Coach Ukai yells at them as Tanaka and Daichi hurry to separate their teammates, who are both panting and fuming, the adrenaline suddenly high.
“Alright, that’s it. You two, out. You’re both taking a break until you’ve calmed down”, Coach Ukai tells them, his voice leaving no room for debate. Tsukishima’s ears are ringing while Kageyama seems in distress. The blond teen looks around the room, realizing that it is a lot quieter than before. Oh. A lot of the players from the other teams have stopped and are now looking at them, curious. Nosy. Either amused by their little spat or annoyed at their nuisance. And among them is Kuroo, who looks puzzled, before he focuses on his match again. Oddly enough, Tsukishima feels a bit of a pang at that.
He goes to sit on the bench, keeping his head down. Kageyama finally sits next to him. Both their coach and teacher look at them in disappointment. Ukai quickly turns back to the rest of the team, as Yamaguchi and Sugawara replace them. Now that his focus is out of the game, Tsukishima feels invaded by all the noise all at once. He can sort of manage it during a match, thanks to the adrenaline being high enough for him to tune it out a bit more. But now? Now he can hear all the squeaks of the shoes against linoleum. All the screams. All the time someone hits the ball. All the time the ball smashes against the floor. The coaches screaming, giving advice. Some other players also get heated against each other, shoving or yelling at someone else. Others tell them to calm down. But mostly, he hears his heart pounding, roaring in his chest. The other thing he can hear clearly is Kageyama’s own ragged breathing. If Tsukishima were alone, he’d be chewing on his necklace. Or hell, he’d even suck his thumb. But he’s surrounded by people, and he can’t afford to stim the way he’d like. So, he starts digging his nails into his arms. His thighs.
“Guys? What’s going on?”, Takeda asks them softly.
Tsukishima thinks about all the mistakes he has made ever since the beginning of the camp. He thinks about how far away he is from home. How he misses his own bedroom. His own quiet. His own stuff. He feels dysregulated, lost at sea. Worse than when he was on the bus, while they were heading here in the night. So, he starts scratching himself. Leaving long, red marks up and down his arms. There are many things he wants, needs to express. But he can’t. Can’t find the right words. Can’t find the right tone. He feels like it’s useless to try and explain himself. There is no point. They won’t understand. They’ll call him a baby. Dramatic. Annoying. A pain in the ass. He scratches harder. Makes the mistake of tugging at his hair. Once. Twice. Then, he feels two smaller, warm hands on his, stopping him.
“Tsukishima? Can you hear me? Do you want to go somewhere else?”. Takeda’s voice is as soft and gentle as ever as he shushes the teen boy, while looking over Kageyama. Neither teen is faring well. He needs to do something, and fast. He strokes Tsukishima’s hair lightly, hoping the kid won’t take offense to it.
“Kageyama? Do you also want to go somewhere else?”, he whispers to the other boy, who shakes his head. For a no. Then a yes. Then another no, while a strangled noise comes out of his throat.
“Sensei? There’s a room where your students can rest, if they need it. Follow me”. Tsukishima vaguely recognizes the voice of one of the managers. Takeda follows her, guiding his two pupils, who are still both scrunched up, scratching themselves, or having struggle breathing. Quickly, they arrive in a room with bare walls. Just some gym mats. A singular locker. And curtains. The room is dark. Quiet, peaceful. It looks like a storage room but nearly empty. No external stimuli. Tsukishima could cry in relief.
He hears his teacher thanking the girl. Then, Takeda sits him and Kageyama down, their backs pressed against the pile of mats.
“Do you have your cube?”, Takeda whispers to him. Tsukishima nods before taking the item in his hands. He starts playing with it. Tries several combinations. And finally, he is able to take deep breaths. He can already feel his skin and his new scars burning and hurting. A problem for another time.
Next to him, Kageyama is also coming down from his own meltdown, thanks to Takeda’s gentle tone and his expertise. From the corner of his eyes, Tsukishima sees that their teacher gives Kageyama an infinity cube. He is a bit puzzled, but then, he imitates Tsukishima and seems to relax after a bit.
“There are weighted blankets. Do you want them?”. Tsukishima nods instantly. He loves his weighted blanket and misses it so badly. But he didn’t want to take it to camp. Kageyama, for his part, seems a bit lost.
“What’s that?”, he asks, his voice still hoarse.
“It’s a heavy blanket. It feels like you’re getting squeezed but without the gross feeling of human touch”, Tsukishima replies in a sleepy murmur. Takeda smiles at his answer. Especially when Kageyama nods approvingly. He fetches two weighted blankets from the closet. Tsukishima immediately takes it, enrolling himself in it. He loves the weight on him. It’s warm. Soft. Safe.
“Huh. This feels nice”, Kageyama whispers. Tsukishima nods. He is ready to fall asleep.
“I’m going to let you two rest for a bit, alright? Unless you want us to go over the apology part of the punishment?”, Takeda asks. Tsukishima munches on his lips.
“Let’s do it now. I won’t be able to rest otherwise”. Surprisingly, Kageyama agrees.
“Alright. I want to know why you two were so aggressive with each other. Explain it to me, calmly”.
“I don’t know. I was just pissed off”, Kageyama mutters. His face scrunches up. He is trying to understand his own behavior.
“Same for me. I… I knew my eyes and ears were hurting. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was getting overwhelmed again. And it made me snappy. I should have controlled myself. Sorry”. Tsukishima can feel their eyes on him. But this time, he’s too exhausted to care. He fetches his dinosaur necklace and starts chewing on it. He needs it. Doesn’t matter if they see it.
“Oh. I… I guess I’m stressed about the quick. It’s like there’s no solution. And it makes me feel weird here”, Kageyama says, pointing at his chest, “And then, you said that thing about middle school and I thought… I thought that it was going to happen again”.
“Being abandoned by your teammates?”, Tsukishima finishes for him, his necklace falling off his mouth. Takeda is ready to intervene, noting the blond’s bluntness. But Kageyama doesn’t seem to mind it.
“Yeah”. Tsukishima nods. He mulls this one over.
“I don’t think it’d happen with our team. We won’t do that, no matter how much you piss us off”, he says, before putting his necklace in his mouth again. He’s too tired to continue the conversation.
“Thanks. And huh, sorry”. Tsukishima frowns.
“Gross. Don’t apologize. I don’t like that”.
“Fine. Then don’t apologize either. It also feels gross”.
Takeda sighs. Sure, the boys are still a bit rough around the edges, but they have apologized in their own way.
“Well, I’m proud that you were both able to express yourselves and take amends for your mistakes. Next time you feel like you might lose control and get snappy with your teammates, try to remember to take a deep breath and hold it in, for at least ten seconds. You’ll get a clearer mind. If you just go ahead and yell at someone, they’ll only get angry in return, and then it ends up in a big fight. Understand?”. When both boys nod, he smiles.
“Now rest. You’ll need it. I’ve heard Ukai mutter something about making you do some extra laps after the match”. Takeda chuckles softly when he sees them groaning. He is understanding and compassionate and so is Ukai, but they still have to discipline them when it’s necessary. During the next half an hour, neither Tsukishima nor Kageyama uttered a single word, simply focusing on decompressing and recovering.
“Oi, Four Eyes”. While Kageyama’s tone is as gruff as usual, his voice, this time, is low. And not hostile.
“What?”.
“Is that… Is that how you always feel after an episode or whatever this is called?”.
“Meltdown”, Tsukishima corrects him. With no rudeness either, for once. “And what do you mean by that?”.
“Like… Bone-tired?”. Tsukishima looks at his teammate, tucking his necklace back in his shirt.
“Yeah. Depleted”. Kageyama nods, humming, mulling this one over.
“Hm. I think it was the first time I had a meltdown. Or like, one as big, I think?”. He seems unsure. Tsukishima shrugs. He is no expert on autism. But…
“You know. You should seek a diagnosis.
“Huh?
“Hm. I think you could be autistic”, Tsukishima says, shrugging again. Kageyama frowns, and for a second, the blond wonders if the setter is going to be insulted. “Here, I’ll send you an article about autism. Read and see if that rings a bell for you”, he continues, quickly sending a link to his teammate’s email.
“Thanks? I’ll read it”, Kageyama says. Neither one of them is a great conversationalist, and the silence continues for a few more seconds until Takeda opens the door.
“Boys? Are you feeling better?”. Both nod but stay silent while helping their teacher to fold and put the blankets back into the closet.
“Sensei? How did you know about this room?”, Tsukishima asks softly.
“Oh, apparently, Kuroo is the one who signaled to his coach that you two seemed in distress. Then, Kuroo and Coach Nekomata told one of the managers to show us this room”, Takeda explains.
Upon hearing Kuroo’s name, Tsukishima’s heart skips a beat. And upon hearing that Kuroo saw him freaking out, Tsukishima’s heart breaks a bit. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. He doesn’t want Kuroo to look at him differently. Between that, the incident on the first day in the cafeteria, and his fight on the court with Kageyama, Kuroo was going to think of him as a complete weirdo, a lunatic he should avoid. Not that Tsukishima would care. Kuroo’s just another hot, very hot guy he’ll forget in a few days. Err, probably. Hopefully.
When they come back to their team, no one makes fun of them or even teases them. But they are made to apologize to their coach and their teacher. And then, they are forced to run five extra laps. Tsukishima hates every second of it. When Kuroo sees him struggling to keep up the pace with Kageyama, he shouts at him.
“Come on, Glasses! You can do it!”, with his trademark wide grin and his deep, booming voice. And when Kageyama asks him why he’s all red once again and choking on his own spit, Tsukishima just pretends that it was the sun again. And even though it was evening and the sun was setting, Kageyama just nodded and didn’t prod any further. For once, Tsukishima thanks him internally.
___________________________________________________________
Sometimes, Tsukishima thinks that the Universe is out there to get him. Or help him. Or hinder him. Or lend him a hand. He can’t decide, and apparently, neither can the Universe. This is the last day of the first training camp. They have to go in less than an hour, and Tsukishima just needed a freaking break before he had to be on the bus for hours with all his team. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes, it is.
At least, that’s what he thinks when Kuroo sits down next to him, on the roof of the building. It is quiet, and the stars are high and pretty and shiny in the sky and Tsukishima can’t help but think about how gorgeous Kuroo is in the moonlight. Nekoma’s captain is sitting right next to him, just observing him, rambling about constellations, and maybe in other circumstances, Tsukishima could be happy. But now isn’t the time. Because, of course, Kuroo approached him right when Tsukishima couldn’t talk. At all.
It happens to him frequently. Nothing to worry about. His therapist calls them “nonverbal episodes”. He was a late talker, and a terse one at that. Still, they were all quick to realize that there were moments when he couldn’t talk, even if he needed or wanted to. It was and still is hindering. Most of the time, it happens because he has been going through too many sensory overloads. Or thrown off his routine. Over the years, he and his family have developed strategies to compensate for it. Namely, Sign Language. He, Akiteru, and their mom were all fluent now. And so was Yamaguchi, who has always been eager to learn so he could help him and be his translator. In the last few months, he and Yamaguchi have started to teach their team Sign Language. At their own asking. They wanted to communicate with him, even or rather, especially if Yamaguchi wasn’t available to be the interpreter. Which was great. And sweet. Although Tsukishima would rather eat glass than admit that.
But right now, they’re alone. Just him and Kuroo. And he has no way of telling or signaling Kuroo that he can’t talk right now. What if Kuroo thinks he is rude to him? What if he leaves because he thinks he is bothering him? Sure, he kind of is, but strangely enough, Tsukishima doesn’t mind being… bothered by him. In fact, he really, really, really wouldn’t mind if Kuroo could –
“Anyway. Phew, sorry I’ve geeked on so bad the stars”. Tsukishima blinks several times. Oops, he may have spaced out a bit. He was so busy thinking about Kuroo that he didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying. Stupid hormones, once again. Kuroo stands up suddenly and cracks a smile.
“Heh. Look, your teammates seem to be looking for you”. Tsukishima gets up and stands next to him. He’s right. His team is next to their bus and seems to be looking for someone.
“I… Yeah, I guess you guys need to leave soon, huh?”, Kuroo whispers, looking down. Was that sadness in his voice and on his face? If only Tsukishima had his little paper, the one with the facial expressions and their meanings. It had saved him several times since he was a kid. Kuroo turns to look at him.
“Err, sorry. Hope I didn’t bore you to death with my impromptu astronomy lesson”. Tsukishima shakes his head in haste. Kuroo smiles at him again, while getting closer. Dangerously closer.
“Damn. You’re even prettier underneath the moonlight”, Kuroo whispers. It is so low, Tsukishima thinks he wasn’t even meant to hear it. Kuroo gets a bit closer, their faces inches away from each other.
“Hey, Glasses. Hum, do you
“Tsukki!”.
Never in his entire life had Tsukishima wanted to kill Yamaguchi, his dear, dear friend, so badly.
“Tsukki, there you are! We’ve been looking for you. The bus is gonna leave”. Oh, screw the bus! Go, shoo. Can’t Yamaguchi sense the tension between them? Seriously!
Kuroo stumbles away from Tsukishima. The boy swears that, if he gets sick on the bus again, this time, he’ll aim for Yamaguchi’s shoes. He sighs and turns to Yamaguchi.
“I’m coming. And I’m also killing you, dumbass”, he signs to his friend, before bowing slightly and politely to the older boy. He leaves as quickly as he can, not wanting him to see his burning cheeks.
“Eh? Why are you mad at me? Wait, Tsukki!”, Yamaguchi asks, before scrambling behind him after shooting an apologetic goodbye to Kuroo.
“Hm? Was that Sign Language?”, he whispers, puzzled and now alone on the roof.
In the bus, Tsukishima backtracks on his plan of killing his best friend, after Yamaguchi tells him that they could watch the two new episodes of David Attenborough’s series, Natural World, on the baboons and on the Sumatran tiger at his place. His friend knows him so well that it’s annoying. And he’ll need any and all distractions not to think about the next camp in two weeks. And it’ll be even longer than this one. Was he really going to survive that!?
divnekdknv on Chapter 1 Thu 21 Aug 2025 05:30PM UTC
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Shi_r0 on Chapter 1 Sat 23 Aug 2025 11:06PM UTC
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Audrey Griffin (Guest) on Chapter 1 Wed 27 Aug 2025 09:03PM UTC
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