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Spying was not an easy occupation.
For the dark lord, Peter had given up his remaining semblances of pride and his loyalty to his closest friends. His mother was ill and she couldn’t be cured by traditional magics. The dark lord had promised him her cure. It had been done.
The ritual still kept him up at night. His mother wasn’t speaking to him - but at least she was alive.
Peter had known spying would be difficult but he had not anticipated this.
PP
“...oh James.”
In his rat form, Peter burrowed himself deeper into the closet in Lily and James’ room. He was hoping to avoid hearing anything else but had thus far been unsuccessful.
Woe was him.
“Yeah, you like that, don’t you, Lils?”
Even in sex, he sounds so arrogant, Peter complained to himself. He had come in here hoping to overhear the Order’s plans and had instead been forced to sit through a bout of enthusiastic sex. So much for marriage drying up people’s sex lives.
The entire Order of the Phoenix had temporarily moved into Grimmauld Place. Unfortunately for Peter, he couldn’t share this information with anyone because he wasn’t the Secret Keeper.
PP
“Right there!”
How had this happened again? Peter was this time directly under the bed. Sirius and Remus’ relationship was a poorly concealed secret.
Sirius was as noisy in bed as he was in all other aspects of his life. I hate this, Peter thought, disgusted as the bed began hitting the wall.
“Yes, yes, yes!”
PP
“I want to tell Lily…” James and Sirius were talking in hushed whispers.
Peter’s rat ears perked up. Was he about to learn a secret of the Order that he could convey to his lord?
“You know you can’t, Prongs,” Sirius whispered back. It sounded… loving?
Peter’s stomach sank as he realised the situation. James and Sirius had always been close at Hogwarts and there had been that one night he had sworn he’d heard them together. After they’d gotten together with Lily and Remus respectively he’d put the thought out of his mind.
But his gut instinct had been right all those years ago. They were more than codependent friends. They were codependent lovers.
“When the war is over,” James said with grim determination. “We must remain united until then.” Kissing sounds soon began.
Peter screamed internally.
No! Go away, you sex pests! Did everyone in the house have nymphomania? Both of these men had slept with their partners this same morning.
“Oh, Prongs…”
PP
Okay. This was getting ridiculous.
“He thinks I don’t know,” Lily confessed to Remus in a whisper. They had been in the library, quietly researching together.
Peter had assumed it was safe to spy on them.
Peter had been wrong.
“It’s obvious they’re in love,” Remus concurred, sadly. “They always have been.”
Then he reached under her skirt and did Things.
Peter was beginning to feel insulted. Was everyone in this house sleeping together except him? Why had no one propositioned him? He attempted to leave the library but his scampering paws were overheard.
“Did you hear something?” Lily asked in concern.
Peter froze. Merlin fucking damn it.
“No,” Remus reassured her. “Everyone is in the meeting right now.”
“Then go on, Remus,” Lily encouraged, breathily. “Touch me.”
Fuck my life. Peter added, as an afterthought, not literally, please.
PP
He did his own research in the library. As the days continued, he became convinced his former friends had been cursed by vile Black sex magic.
Despite his investigations, Peter came up with no evidence of magical intervention. He could only presume this obscene magic was undetectable… or that his “friends” were sex-addled maniacs.
PP
“You always know how to touch me just right,” said Alice Longbottom.
Peter had thought it was safe to spy on her and Lily. Peter hated his life and had never been more wrong.
“Practice makes perfect,” purred Lily.
Peter had once regretted his decision to become a Death Eater. Now he had no such guilt.
They all deserved to die. They all needed to stop sleeping with each other.
“Oh, Lily…”
PP
Peter did feel left out when Remus, James, and Sirius had a threesome. It was just like them, after all. They were as thick as thieves, the three musketeers, and he was the odd one out.
Sirius was the centre of a sex sandwich. Peter was becoming convinced that he was the one who was cursed.
Please, Mother Magic. I will repent. I will leave the Death Eaters. I will be a good man from here on out.
“You like that, don’t you, Padfoot?” James panted in his best friend’s ear.
“You know he does,” Remus said. Peter could hear the smirk in his voice.
I will be a good man. I promise.
PP
“I know you’re sleeping with James,” Lily said churlishly.
Finally! Peter had held out hope that there would be a resolution to this sordid affair. These idiots needed to communicate with each other - then they could stop sneaking around and Peter would stop overhearing them.
The dark lord had told him that if he did not do his job then his mother was as good as dead. Peter had been determined to betray his friends, to spy on them, to bring the downfall of the Light.
Now, he questioned whether it was worth it. He was coming apart at the seams.
“I’ve loved him longer than you,” Sirius replied. “You’re lucky… You’re the one with the ring on your finger.”
Lily and Sirius did not have a falling out. No, the world could not be so kind to poor Peter Pettigrew. Instead, they slept together, hateful of each other, desperate to be loved by one stupid Gryffindor.
James Potter couldn’t be that good in bed, could he? Why was this happening?
Freaks! Peter wanted to pour Cleansing Potion into his ears. Sex pests! NO MORE!
PP
“Peter,” Remus asked him, concerned. Peter had dark circles under his eyes and was barely touching his food. “Are you feeling alright?”
The werewolf held out a hand to check the temperature of Peter’s forehead.
The rat Animagus flinched back, eyes widened to the whites. “Don’t touch me!”
Remus blinked, nonplussed. Someone had woken up on the wrong side of the bed.
PP
Peter fled that night. He’d rather face his lord’s wrath than deal with these kinky bastards for another minute. He’d wear his Mark proudly.
Secrecy and lies were evil things. These idiots slept together, ashamed of themselves for entirely the wrong reasons. It was not loving many people that they should guilt themselves for. It was the medically concerning amount of sex they had on a daily basis.
Still riddled with the aftershocks of disgust, he appeared out of the Main Floo of Riddle Manor. He fell to his knees in relief. Finally, he would be surrounded by normal sex-fearing purebloods who had the sense to value their chastity.
“Severus…” The teasing tones of Lucius Malfoy reached Peter’s ears. “You are always so bendy, my love.”
Peter saw red. He had never felt such hatred. “ Avada kedavra. ”
A scantily clad Severus Snape fell down, frozen in death.
“Traitor!” Lucius shrieked, his own Killing Curse reaching Peter before either could blink.
PP
With Severus dead, the prophecy never reached the ears of the dark lord and the Potters never died. Peter Pettigrew was remembered not by the mark found on his shoulder - as his body was never discovered - but by a story echoed down in history of his Gryffindor bravery in turning against the Dark.
Little would they know the true reason for his murderous impulse…
PP
In magical heaven…
“Oh thank Merlin,” Peter gasped as he reached the pearly gates. “No sex here. No philandering or adultery or fiddling. Only the pure of heart, surely.”
Through the gates, his heart turned to stone as he saw hordes of people, freed from their Earthly constraints. A writhing mass of orgy. A free and loving hedonism.
“TAKE ME TO HELL,” screamed Peter Pettigrew. “I WOULD RATHER DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS THAN SEE ANOTHER DICK OR PUSSY! I WOULD RATHER BE RAKED ON HOT COALS THAN GLIMPSE ANOTHER FINGER IN AN ORIFICE OR A MOUTH ON A BALLSACK! SPARE ME, PLEASE.”
His wish was granted and the floor sunk out from under him. Falling into the fiery pits of hell, Peter Pettigrew breathed out a sigh of relief.
Before the great molten volcanoes and the endless river Styx, the King of Hell, Satan, sauntered over to him. “People will say you are a hero, Mr. Pettigrew, but I do think you are rather dashing anyway.”
Peter’s throat went dry. He was the most gorgeous man he’d ever laid eyes on.
Satan smirked. “Do you see your heart’s desire?”
Peter nodded, blushing furiously. A man, clothed head to toe in cloth, not an inch of skin exposed. A flaccid penis. A sexless creature. “Please, Satan. Your wish is my command if only you can stop sex on Earth.”
The devil nodded amiably. “Exactly my opinion. There is a reason I fell from heaven. Now come - not literally - and we will plot the great Purge of the Earth.”
Peter followed on behind him, relieved. Finally, a sane person. “Yes, master.”