Chapter Text
150 years ago
Madja entered the room at the Healer's Hall with confident authority. Thea straightened her posture in an attempt to emulate the wise Healer's gravitas as she kept her mental wards high.
"Hello Cassian, Azriel," Madja said as she stepped further into the room. Thea followed. Madja had briefed her about these patients a few moments prior. Illyrian. Inner Court. Rhysand's brothers, in a way. General of the army. Spymaster. Powerful. Tended to get injured - a lot.
What Madja did not mention was how attractive they were. Both still clad in leather armor resembling scales, but was slashed in places. Some kind of confrontation had occurred. Two sets of alert hazel eyes focused on Thea, sizing her up.
She did the same. The larger of the two Illyrians was sitting up on the bed closer to the window, long dark hair partly pulled back off his square, stubbled jaw. His gaze was curious, with a bit of a twinkle. He was the embodiment of the term ruggedly handsome, which Thea usually preferred. The one closer to Thea was gorgeous with short and neat dark hair, a pronounced nose, full lips, and a clean shaven sharp jaw. He reminded Thea of a statue chiseled from ice - beautiful, cold, perfect.
"This is Thea, she's my new senior Healer. Specializes in Lesser Fae," Madja said by way of introduction.
Thea cleared her throat and looked at Madja. Madja tilted her head in recognition. "I mean non-High Fae people," Madja corrected herself.
"Nice to meet you both," Thea said.
"You as well. Ever worked on an Illyrian before?" Cassian asked. His voice was rough but warm.
"I have not," she said.
"Other winged people though," Madja supplied.
"Peregryn," Azriel ascertained. His voice was just as sharp as his features.
Thea nodded, glancing at Azriel's damaged wing carefully.
"Our wings are different. More...sensitive," Cassian said, his tone highly suggestive.
Madja narrowed her eyes. "Behave around my new Healer."
"It's alright, Madja," Thea said calmly. "Does the correlation of wingspan to penis size also apply to Illyrians?" she asked, her tone scientific but her eyes twinkling.
Cassian chuckled, gobsmacked, while Azriel's lips quirked up ever so slightly.
Madja rolled her eyes. "I see. You all will get along just fine," she said, leaving the two Illyrians with their new Healer.
Thea turned to Cassian and Azriel. "So, how did you get your injuries?" she asked, walking closer to Azriel who was in worse shape. "May I?" she asked him, putting her hand out to touch his chest and assess him. Azriel nodded. Thea's hands glowed with golden light as she scanned his body. "Broken left arm. Broken left collarbone. Lacerations on the left wing. No internal injuries," she said, sharing her assessment. She noted the deep and old scars on his hands - burns.
Thea moved to Cassian to make sure he was not experiencing any internal injuries. She scanned his body. He had a dislocated shoulder and some gashes on the side of his ribs but was otherwise fine. "Why are you even here? Couldn't you set this yourself?" she teased, pointing to his shoulder.
Cassian smiled. "I dragged his ass here," he said.
Azriel grunted in protest. She returned to Azriel to begin healing him. She first worked on the collarbone, placing her hand upon it. Azriel's eye twitched with pain but otherwise he did not react. He had a high pain tolerance, unsurprising as he endured severe burn wounds. She catalogued that knowledge for future treatments. His cold skin warmed at her touch as she targeted healing energy towards his broken bones. The breaks were consistent with getting slammed into something hard. Once she healed the collarbone, she touched his neck to see if any muscles were strained from the impact. Azriel flinched.
"I'm sorry, I'm checking for muscle hyper-extension. You hit something hard, right?" Thea said.
Cassian nodded from the other bed as Azriel silenced him with a glare.
"It doesn't matter," Azriel said icily. He turned that deadly glare onto Thea.
Thea pursed her lips, unimpressed with his response. "Oh, so you're the Healer? You know what's relevant information?" she retorted.
Cassian fidgeted awkwardly in the other bed as Thea and Azriel just stared at each other, a battle of wills.
"It was a large tree," Azriel said finally.
Thea resumed healing Azriel's neck strain and broken arm. She then turned to his wing.
"Full disclosure, this will be the first time I'm healing Illyrian wings. I've studied them since my arrival here," Thea said.
"So when did you arrive in Night Court?" Azriel asked.
"Probably six months ago? Madja thoroughly vetted me to make sure I knew what I was doing with patients," Thea said, examining the wing.
Knowing he had impacted on a tree, she decided to flush the lacerations with water to remove any debris. After cleaning the wings, she placed two fingertips on the top of the first cut.
Azriel inhaled sharply.
"I'll be as quick as possible," she said, her voice clinical. She knew Illyrian wings were sensitive, sexually, before Cassian's crude suggestion. She took no pleasure in making a patient uncomfortable.
Azriel nodded curtly. She began to heal the laceration, her fingers tracing down the wing as she stitched together the two sides efficiently.
"Okay, first one done. Anything I should adjust to make the next pass more comfortable?" she asked Azriel.
Azriel's jaw tightened. "Firmer is better," he said.
She nodded. "Sure." For the next laceration, she use a more deliberate touch while stitching together the sides.
"Why did you leave Dawn Court? It's so beautiful there," Azriel asked, clearly taking his mind off her touch on his wings.
"Well, Spymaster, as I'm sure you already know, there is a new High Lord. With any transition in High Lordships there are usually changes. And I decided I did not want to navigate those changes. I just wanted something different," Thea explained.
"Night Court is quite different," Cassian piped in.
"Yes, but in good ways," she said.
"How so?" Cassian said.
"Less formality. I appreciate that."
She finished with Azriel's wing, pleased with the result. Azriel extended and contracted his wings in an experimental fashion before nodding his approval.
"Did you come to Night Court with family? A mate?" Azriel probed.
"Relax, Az. Forgive my brother. He's usually not this...talkative," Cassian said, glaring at Azriel.
Thea smiled in that reserved and professional way. She turned her attention to Cassian. "It's fine. He didn't know about me before today. As a Spymaster, I can see how that would be frustrating. But when he looks into me, he'll know I'm no threat," Thea said breezily.
She read the situation clearly, and Azriel's eyes narrowed. She ignored him as she quickly rectified Cassian's dislocated shoulder manually, then spread healing energy to the site to address inflammation. She healed Cassian's lacerations on his side.
"Okay, all done," she said. "Anything else I can help with?"
Thea and Azriel locked eyes, neither giving an inch as they simply stared at each other. One calmly dispassionate. The other piercing and cold.
Cassian chuckled, and both Azriel and Thea looked at him at the same time.
"You must have ice in your veins to stare down Az like that," Cassian said, amused.
"Oh? Is he supposed to be intimidating?" she asked, feigning ignorance.
Cassian howled with laughter as Azriel smirked, his eyes softening ever so slightly.
_________
100 years ago
Thea rubbed her temples as she finished up some paperwork. The desk in her bedroom served as her informal office where she could complete patient records in peace and quiet. Whenever she attempted to finish this work in the main areas of the Healer's Hall, someone was always going to her for advice on treatment plans or diagnoses. And while she delighted in helping the apprentices and other Healers, she was dreadfully behind on her patient records. Madja was always on her about this, and, notably, the apprentices and Healers did not go to Madja for advice. Thea knew they were worried about being seen as less competent if they did so. Better to go to Madja's deputy. The deputy who was now very behind on paperwork.
Just then, Azriel stepped out of a shadow winnow into her bedroom.
He'd never done this before. "What's happened?" Thea asked. Over the last fifty years she quickly learned Azriel preferred a no-nonsense communication style. It took him a couple years to fully trust Thea, but after that he had always been respectful towards her.
"Rhysand's hurt, please come," he said, extending his scarred hand to her.
Paperwork forgotten, Thea grabbed her medical bag - a staple she had in her room for emergencies - and placed her hand in Azriel's. In fifty years she had never held his hand. It was rough and cold, but warmed upon contact. She flushed for a moment at the physical contact, but then Azriel pulled her into a shadow winnow which was a very unique experience she did not have the words for. When she came out, breathless, she was at the House of Wind. More specifically, the main room. She had been here several times over the years to heal Azriel and Cassian especially.
"Az, I told you I'll be fine," Rhysand said, the annoyance in his voice clear. He glared at the other Illyrian.
Azriel's eyes blazed with restrained anger towards his brother.
"I'll be the judge of that," Thea said, stepping in front of Azriel and walking towards Rhysand who was sitting on a couch with Mor stanching blood coming from his shoulder and wing.
"Where's Madja?" Rhysand asked, grimacing a bit.
Thea examined the wound. It was a spear wound through his shoulder that also had pierced his wing. Perhaps he had been flying when he was speared? "I'm not sure. Would you like me to address the injury, or would you like to bleed more while Azriel goes to get her?" Thea asked.
Rhysand smirked, his purple eyes sparkling at Thea. While they had had friendly and professional conversations in the past, this was the first time Thea was serving as Rhysand's Healer. It was true he usually asked for Madja. Thea took no offense to this. Rhysand deserved the best and that was often Madja, but this time his wing was injured, and Thea understood why Azriel opted to get her instead. Over the decades Thea had developed a strong reputation among non-High Fae people as the preferred Healer in the Night Court.
"Go ahead, Healer, let's see what Cassian and Azriel have been raving about," Rhysand said.
She looked quickly at Azriel who only shrugged noncommittally. She felt deep satisfaction knowing Cassian and Azriel thought so highly of her work.
Mor moved out of Thea's way, opting to stand next to Azriel as the pair watched. Mor touched Azriel's arm comfortingly, and Azriel did not shrug her off. Instead he looked at her with a deep yearning. Every time Thea saw Azriel and Mor together, it was always the same look. He loved her. Likely for centuries.
Thea focused her attention on Rhysand's shoulder injury. "The spear was ash," Thea said, a bit dismayed. Rhysand nodded but didn't explain further. Who was throwing ash spears at the High Lord of the Night Court?
She compartmentalized her curiosity and focused on getting the shards of ash still lodged in his shoulder and wing out. Once that was complete, she stitched Rhysand's shoulder up. Because the wound was clean through, that required several passes to heal the skin, muscle, nerves, and blood pathways. Thankfully the spear only nicked a bit of bone, so healing bone - some of the hardest parts of the body to truly heal - was minimal.
"How's that?" Thea asked, about an hour later. It took a while to heal the shoulder to completion, but she knew for the High Lord she needed to ensure things were...
"Flawless," Rhysand said, moving his shoulder around to test mobility.
"Good," Thea said, moving on to his wing. Because the wing had a large puncture wound, she placed her palm wholly over the hole and held it there. She poured healing energy into the area, concentrating on rebuilding blood, nerves, and membrane at the site of the wound. Over the decades she had gotten very good at healing Illyrian wings, and this kind of wound, while time-consuming, was not complicated. It required patience and detailed work, but she could return the site to a good state. After another ten minutes, she was done.
"How is that?" she asked, stepping away so Rhysand could move his wings.
Rhysand looked at his extended wing, not even seeing a scar where the puncture had occurred. "Remarkable. Better than before even," he said.
Thea smiled in that reserved and professional way. "Wonderful, anything else I can help with?"
"No, well, yes. How did you learn to heal like that?" Rhysand asked, curious. He looked at her intently, and Thea could feel him against her mental wards - he was trying to get into her head.
"Nice try, High Lord. I don't take kindly to people trying to extract my secrets," she said charmingly.
Rhysand smiled widely. "But there are secrets," he said.
Thea shrugged. "We've all lived long enough to collect them."
"Does Madja know you can do this? Heal someone this thoroughly?"
"She does. I've only ever done it for Azriel and Cassian. She found out when they came back the next day injured again after I had healed them. She had been confused how they could even resume activity to begin with," Thea said, pointedly looking at Azriel.
Mor rolled her eyes at Azriel who again just shrugged.
"I trust you'll keep this knowledge contained?" Thea said to the High Lord.
Rhysand smiled, noting the tone was a bit regal. "Of course," he said.
"And anything I need to know about how you got that injury? Do we expect ash spears to be raining down on Velaris anytime soon?"
Rhysand shook his head. "I would never allow that to happen. I was not at Night Court when the injury occurred. And hopefully, it was a misunderstanding with Amarantha's crew," he said.
"Amarantha?" Thea shivered at the name. While not alive during the War, that name was infamous. At the orphanage, the staff would threaten to send misbehaving children to Hybern to endure her wrath.
"She claims to come in peace. We'll see," Rhysand said.
Thea pursed her lips together but did not say anything further.
"Thank you, Healer, for your excellent work," Rhysand said, clearly excusing her.
Thea bowed slightly, and Azriel held out his hand to escort her back to the Healer's Hall.
Once they returned, Azriel spoke. "Thank you," he said.
"Of course. Thank you for entrusting me," Thea said.
Azriel tilted his head in acknowledgment.
"Tell me honestly, should we be concerned?" Thea asked the Spymaster.
Azriel paused before speaking. "I am," he said simply.
Thea nodded, and Azriel winnowed away.
75 years ago
"You know, between the two of you, I think I could have a full time job healing," Thea teased lightly as she entered their shared room in the Healer Hall.
They were bloodied and bruised, with small tears in their wings and multiple dagger gashes along their torso and legs.
Azriel smiled through his grimace. "You're not wrong," he said.
"Yeah, we only see you when Amren's healing ability isn't enough or she's not around. So if we accounted for that, I think you're right," Cassian agreed.
If Azriel grimaced, he was in bad shape. While both Illyrian males had perhaps the highest pain tolerances she'd ever witnessed, they tolerated it differently. Azriel internalized it. Cassian expressed it.
Thea wrapped her apron around herself as she assessed Azriel first, her warm golden light finding broken ribs in addition to the visible injuries. She turned to Cassian to assess him. Thankfully he had no internal injuries and less external ones. Indeed Azriel was in worse shape. That was a consistent pattern. There were not many times the two of them showed up together where Cassian was in worse shape than Azriel. Thea wondered if that was because Azriel was a less skilled warrior or a more reckless one. She suspected the later.
From what she gleaned throughout the decades of stories from members of the Inner Circle, Azriel struggled with self-worth, which she assumed translated to a self-sacrificing streak. Everytime he showed up injured, either with others or by himself, Thea got a particularly heavy pit in her stomach.
"Cass, I'm going to work on Azriel first," she said.
"Of course," Cassian said. She handed Cassian some herbs to chew to help the pain subside while he waited.
"I'm fine, work on Cass first," Azriel wheezed out.
Thea frowned. "Your rib punctured your lung. Don't tell me how to do my job," she snapped.
Azriel gave her an apologetic look and acquiesced.
"So do I want to know what happened?" Thea asked as one hand worked to heal Azriel's ribs and lung while giving him heavy pain relief with the other. She had learned decades ago that Azriel did not like to be sedated if it could be avoided. So she usually worked on him while he was awake. It was an endeavor to split her energy and focus, but Thea relished the challenge.
"Fight among some of the Illyrian clans," Cassian said. "It was more challenging since Az and I didn't want to actually kill anyone."
"Hm, what was the disagreement about?" Thea asked.
"What else? How to handle Amarantha," Cassian grumbled.
Amanrantha had returned to Prythian about twenty-five years ago claiming to come in peace and to open trade with Hybern. However, Rhysand expressed skepticism about her intentions and did not want to engage. Thea imagined some of the Illyrian clans were open to trade with Amarantha if it meant more wealth for them.
"And how are those on other sides?"
"Worse shape, but alive," Azriel said.
Thea frowned. "After I'm done here, I should go and see if they need help," she said.
Azriel grunted. "You're the only person I know who actively seeks out going to Illyrian war camps."
"It's the place with the highest percent of injuries in this Court."
Neither countered that point.
"Besides, they adore me there," Thea joked. While the Illyrians were not known to be a respectful society towards women, the warlords had ensured she had been treated with respect once she had healed a warrior's wings expertly. The fact that they continued to request her help and avoided insulting her were clear indications they appreciated her.
Cassian snorted from his bed.
"Oh? I'm wrong?" She had completed the rib and lung and was now moving on to the sword gashes.
"No..." Cassian began.
Thea furrowed her eyebrows. "I provide them with superior care to what they had before my arrival in Night Court..."
"That's definitely true," Cassian agreed, struggling to find the words to explain his initial reaction.
"But..."
"You're beautiful," Azriel said simply.
Color flushed Thea's cheeks at his words. While she was confident in her skills as a Healer, she had never put much stock in her physical appearance. She always thought she was just...brown. Brown skin, light brown hair flecked with gold, brown upturned eyes. Her broad shoulders and muscular thighs were well suited for playing sports. Growing up at the orphanage, teenage boys had never looked at her with sexual desire. That had been reserved for females with large bosoms, big eyes, and narrow, delicate frames. It had taken a few decades for Thea to believe males found her attractive. It was still a jarring concept.
"Yes, you're an excellent healer. Honestly the best for Illyrians. But your beauty is why they request you rather than let their pride force them to muddle through on their own," Azriel said.
He had said it again. It hadn't been a fluke. She blushed harder.
"But...but I thought they didn't find High Fae attractive," Thea rambled as she struggled to recover from Azriel's compliment.
Cassian snorted. "If that were the case, Rhys wouldn't exist. And Az..."
Azriel shot him a death glare that made Thea believe he was fully capable of killing someone without touching them. Cassian stilled immediately. The silence was thick.
And Azriel wouldn't be in love with Mor. Thea knew how that statement ended but did not need that reminder, that pang of jealousy. She sighed quietly.
"Let me look at you now, Cassian. Clearly the blood loss is fucking with your brain," she teased.
Cassian and Azriel chuckled, grateful to Thea for easing the tension.
"Smart, funny, and beautiful. How are you not already partnered up?" Cassian flirted as Thea began to heal the sword wounds on his torso.
Thea quirked an eyebrow. "And who says that's what I want in life?"
"Isn't it what we all want? In a way?" Cassian asked, uncharacteristically thoughtful.
Thea shrugged. "In my experience, the only person you can rely on is yourself. People change their minds. And that can hurt," she said vaguely.
"Ah, you want that guarantee. Mate or bust, huh?" Cassian assessed.
He was more astute than she gave him credit for. Usually Azriel was the one with the insightful but brief comments.
"It's very rare to find a mate, and for it to actually truly work out," she commented. And she lived a full life as a Healer. Perhaps a bit lonely. But busy, meaningful, and challenging.
"Well, until then, I'm happy to keep you company, Healer," Cassian said, his voice low and a bit rough.
Thea knew it was a seductive tone, but it did not entice her. Cassian was gorgeous and if she just wanted to roll around and fuck...it would never be with him. That would simply be too complicated.
Azriel cleared his throat from the other bed, having heard the entire conversation. Perhaps he thought they had forgotten about his presence. She certainly did not.
"I'm flattered, General, but no thank you," she said sweetly.
Cassian sighed, tipping his head back in defeat. "You wound me," he said dramatically.
"I'm positive in short order you'll find someone else to make it right for you," she said.
Cassian and Azriel both laughed heartily.
50 years ago
It was evening, and the shift in the city was palatable. It felt like a wave of power had surged through her body and everyone else's in the Healer's Hall.
"Madja, what was that?" she asked her mentor.
Madja frowned. "I don't know," she said. That was concerning as there were very few things Madja did not know.
"Should we go to the House of Wind?" Thea asked.
Madja shook her head. "If we're needed, Rhysand will call for us."
Late in the evening, when she was in her bedroom at the Healer's Hall, Azriel appeared perched on the railing of her patio. He was nearly engulfed in shadow, and it was hard to see his body.
"Azriel, are you hurt?" she asked, quickly looking over the Shadowsinger.
"We're trapped," Azriel said darkly.
"What? What do you mean? That surge I felt?"
Azriel nodded. "Everyone's felt it. It was Rhysand. He's Under the Mountain. He's trapped. All the High Lords are. I didn't see it would be a trap. He threw out wards to protect Velaris from her. As long as the four of us stay in Velaris, the people are safe. But we're trapped here. If we leave, the wards fall and the people are vulnerable. He fucking trapped us here! We can't try to help him!" Azriel said, anguished.
"Azriel..." Thea whispered, grasping his wrist and pulling him against her. She wrapped her arms around his broad back.
His body shuddered with rage and anguish, but he didn't cry, didn't hold her in return. He rested his forehead on her shoulder as the shadows surrounded them. The tendrils of shadow wrapped around her waist when his arms did not. The pressure was similar to thin limbs, but without a temperature.
She wasn't sure how long they stood like that, but she continued to hold him until he pulled away.
"Thank you, I'm sorry," he said. There was shame on his face. He got his shadows under control and the lighting on the patio returned.
Thea furrowed her eyebrows. "There's nothing to be sorry for," she said.
"I have to get to the other Halls and tell them. Please tell Madja. There will be more news in the coming weeks. Amren is in charge going forward until..." Azriel couldn't finish that sentence as he didn't think Rhysand would ever get out from Under the Mountain.
"I understand," Thea said, her voice firm.
Azriel nodded and flew off.
******
The weeks and months following Rhysand's sacrifice were a big adjustment for everyone in Velaris. Ameren called a meeting of all of the leaders of various Halls - Healing, Farming, Trade,
Merchants, Learning, Artists, etc. - to take stock of what was needed in order for the city to continue to thrive despite no one being allowed outside of the wards. Velaris needed to become a self-sustaining and sustainable community.
Madja spoke for the Healer's Hall. "We need to shift our focus from just physical health to also address the mental health toll of this transition," she said.
"Say more, Healer," Ameren requested.
Madja looked to Thea to fill in the details. "Many residents of the city, especially those who are not High Fae, regularly left the city to address their needs. That can't happen anymore. But they need space to swim, burrow, fly," Thea explained, taking a quick glance to Azriel who was still. He needed to fly and run drills and train, his face was pallid.
Ameren nodded. "Excellent point. And we need to prioritize the continued cultivation of the arts. Not only because it's important for our economy, but also for the mental health of our people."
Thea nodded.
The meeting was long, and when it was done, Thea rose from her seat. Mor was winnowing leaders back to their Halls, and Madja left with the leader of Trade to discuss how to continue to get access to rare medicinal herbs.
"Good comments at the meeting, Healer," Cassian said. Azriel, who was at his side, nodded in agreement.
"Thanks," Thea said. "Thanks for being our leaders in these challenging times."
Cassian scoffed. "More like glorified security guards," he said, the bite in his tone clear.
Thea nodded. "True. But literally you're the only four protectors we have. So you have to remain in tip top shape, right?" she nudged, eyeing Azriel.
Azriel's eyes narrowed as he carefully assessed Thea. He knew she knew he was not in a good place. That he should train. Fly. Be out in the sun. The shadows grew around him.
"Az..." Cassian said, jabbing his brother's side as he looked at the swarm of shadows around Azriel.
"It's fine," Thea said. She held out her hand to one of the shadow tendrils. It wrapped around her palm, the pressure squeezing her hand. She smiled. "We're friends," she said softly to the tendril, which squeezed her hand again.
Cassian's eyes widened with surprise.
"Azriel, help me with this," Mor called over.
The tendril slipped out of Thea's hand. Thea felt bereft. But that was the pattern. Mor calls, and Azriel answers.
"See you later, Thea. Let's go train tomorrow," Azriel said, turning to Cassian who nodded in agreement. And then Azriel turned around and went to Mor to figure out what she needed.
Cassian chuckled. "How do you do that?" he asked.
"Do what?"
"Know exactly what he needs," Cassian said.
"It's my job," Thea said.
Cassian was skeptical. "You're damn good at your job."
Thea scoffed. "I've been here a hundred years, and you figure that out only now?"
"No, that came out wrong. I meant that you take care of everyone else. Who takes care of you?" Cassian asked.
Thea flushed at the thought of who she wanted to take care of her. Someone who was currently moving various boxes of files into an office under Mor's direction.
"Let someone take care of you," Cassian purred.
She frowned. "I'm not getting in the middle of all that."
"All what?"
"Whatever three-way relationship you have with Mor and Azriel."
Cassian laughed heartily. "I understand why you think that, but it's not like that."
"What's it like?" She couldn't help but be curious. For a hundred years she had heard whispers and rumors, but she never asked any of them outright. It technically wasn't her business.
Cassian shrugged. "Whatever's between Az and Mor is their business. But the point is that it's not mine."
Just as she had thought. There was something there. Her stomach clenched and jealousy flared, but she tamped it down.
"And you and Mor?"
Cassian hesitated.
Thea smirked knowingly. There was something there.
"Ancient history," Cassian said.
While Thea was interested in that ancient history, that was only curiosity. Not jealousy.
"So, dinner? Let me take care of you tonight?"
It would be so easy to accept. She had no doubt Cassian would be a skilled lover, that he would throw her around the room like the ragdoll she wanted to be. He would fuck her thoroughly. She could unleash every trick and skill she knew, and he would delight in all of them.
And it would all be hollow pointless fun. No love. Just lust. She had taken a few lovers in Velaris, and they were all the same. Excellent sex, sure. When one was immortal, one had centuries to perfect the art of fucking. So excellent sex was the baseline.
What Thea wanted transcended that. And none of her lovers had offered that. She wanted a connection. Deep. Hers. And that was definitely not going to be with Cassian. Or Azriel.
"Cass, you're hurting. We all are. So I'm going to excuse you forgetting that I've rejected all of your prior advances and say in a polite tone: No, thank you."
Cassian looked at her as though trying to figure something out. He sighed. "Too bad. I could have shown you a good time."
Thea smirked. "I think it would have been me showing you a good time," she said breezily with that quiet confidence.
Cassian groaned. "Well now I really do want to fuck," he grumbled.
Thea chuckled as she patted his shoulder and walked away. She glanced over to Azriel who had been watching, and likely listening, to the whole exchange.
Forty-five years ago
Thea knew she should be grateful for the monotony of life in Velaris. The city and its people were safe from the horrors occurring under Amarantha's rule. There was no war. People where trying their best to live their lives to the fullest, to make the sacrifices Rhysand and everyone else Under The Mountain made worth it.
But after five years, there was a chronic restlessness. Ameren worked hard to keep things running as smoothly as possible in the city. The Inner Circle kept the peace - whether that meant neighborhood disagreements or bar fights. And the Healers stayed busy with everything from minor injuries to a noticeable uptick of attempted suicides. Madja, Thea, and the rest of the Healers worked hard to provide not just physical healing but support for emotional and mental wellbeing.
Thea worried about Cassian and Azriel. One or both of them showed up at the Healer's Hall on a weekly basis. They were neutered warriors - a General with no army to command and a Spymaster in a place with hardly any secrets worth collecting. To cope, they beat the shit out of each other during "training" just to feel something. And Thea patched them up each time, sending them on their way just to do it all over again.
One night, Azriel perched on the railing of her bedroom's patio. His shadows were particularly dark and swirling.
Thea opened the door to the patio and walked out into the crisp night air.
"What's wrong?" she asked. "Are you hurt?"
Azriel's body remained slumped as he balanced on the railing - defeated.
"Azriel," she said. She grabbed his icy wrist and pulled him off the railing to stand on her patio floor.
"Today's his birthday," he said, his voice distant.
Thea swallowed hard. "Rhysand's?"
Azriel nodded, the shadows growing darker around him. Thea stood with him, watching the shadows ebb and flare all around them. She could feel the sadness roll off him in endless waves.
"It's just too much. He sacrificed himself so the rest of us could live. But this isn't living," Azriel said, anguished.
"How can I help?" Thea asked.
"Help me forget. Give me an herb, a poultice, anything. I'm just so angry and sad and there's no place for any of it to go," Azriel said, no, begged.
Thea took his scarred hands in hers and poured warm, calming energy into his body. His hands quickly warmed, and he gasped with surprise. Once Thea was done, she let go of his hands.
Azriel looked at his still-warm hands. "What was that?" he asked.
"It's calming energy. It's a light sedative. It's meant to just take the edge off when someone's mentally...spinning," Thea said. She and Madja had been developing this skill the last few years and started administering it as they noticed people needed a bit of mental support. It was a bandaid solution and not a cure, but at least it was something.
"Thanks," Azriel said, clearly surprised to feel noticeably better so fast.
"Sure. It's meant to be used sparingly," Thea said.
"I understand," he said. "Thanks again." With that, he flew off into the night.
Azriel came about once a month to her patio and asked for the calming energy. Thea was worried he was becoming a bit addicted, but at the same time she knew he in particular was under immense strain. She told herself if it became more frequent than once a month she would stop providing it to him.
She understood people were having a difficult time. She herself was struggling as well. About eight months after Azriel's first visit to her patio, Thea found herself at Rita's, one of the dance halls in Velaris. She sat at a booth with Beatrice, one of the other Healers, nursing her fourth drink of the evening.
"There's our favorite Healer!" Cassian said loudly, coming over to the booth to slide next to Thea, a beer in hand.
Thea groaned but couldn't help but crack a smile.
Azriel pulled up a chair and sat backwards in it at the end of the table. He nodded at Thea and Beatrice, who was intimidated and transfixed by the Shadowsinger.
"What's wrong?" Azriel asked, picking up on Thea's mood.
Thea looked at him, his hazel eyes clear and focused on her. She loved and hated how astute he was.
She tried to explain what happened, but the words didn't come out. She looked at Beatrice for help.
Beatrice nodded in understanding. "Thea lost someone on the table today," Beatrice said.
Cassian frowned. "I'm so sorry."
"It was a female river nymph," Beatrice explained.
"Did you know her?" Cassian asked.
Thea shook her head, the lump in her throat getting bigger. It didn't matter if she knew them or not, every person she couldn't save was tattooed in her memory.
"I'm sure you tried your best," Azriel said.
"She did! The nymph had been crushed under a rock slide and found days later. The injuries had been so severe. Thea tried for hours to stabilize her. She completely drained herself to try to keep the nymph in this world, but in the end, she passed," Beatrice recounted.
"Other Healers would not have tried so hard," Azriel said.
"Not at all," Cassian said grimly.
"Do you lose patients...often?" Azriel asked.
"Not at all! She's got the highest save rate of anyone in the Hall," Beatrice said.
"I hate that metric," Thea said, finally speaking.
"Why? That's impressive." Cassian said.
"Anything below 100 percent means someone dies," Azriel said.
Thea nodded. Again, Azriel's astuteness was so disarming and attractive. "I've been a healer for 200 years. I've lost 89 people."
Azriel nodded in understanding. "89 too many," he said.
Thea looked at Azriel. She deeply appreciated how he was comfortable being in the sadness. He didn't shy away from her pain. He looked at it, unflinchingly. And she felt seen.
They locked eyes for a long moment. Azriel's intense and concerned gaze stripped Thea of all her defenses. She wanted so desperately to hold his hand, to have him comfort her. The stare was so long that Beatrice and Cassian looked at each other nervously.
"I think this is the first time I've ever seen you drunk, Thea. Tell me a secret," Cassian said flirtatiously, changing the subject to try to lighten the mood.
She chuckled. "No. You tell me one first," she countered.
Beatrice excused herself as she was asked to dance, and Thea said goodbye to her friend.
"A secret? Hm. Sometimes I let Az cut me up during training because then I get to visit you," Cassian said, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.
Thea rolled her eyes. "I already knew that," she said.
Cassian laughed. "Really? How?"
"Because some of your injuries are just baby things," Thea bantered back.
"Well, fine. Az, I'm hearing Thea wants us to beat the shit out of each other more," Cassian joked.
Thea punched Cassian in the shoulder. "No, idiot, that is absolutely not what I'm saying," she said. She looked at Azriel who watched the exchange with a stony glare.
"Alright. I told you a secret. Out with it, Healer," Cassian said, nudging Thea.
Thea finished the rest of her drink, the alcohol burning down her throat. "I prefer Azriel," she said to Cassian, her filter gone. In the morning she would probably cringe at her behavior, but right now, she felt bold in her statement.
Cassian's eyes widened with surprise. He looked over at Azriel who was focused on Thea.
Mor approached the table. "Boys, I'm feeling restless. Come dance! Enough talking," Mor said excitedly, squeezing in between Azriel and Cassian and pulling them on the shoulder.
Thea and Azriel locked eyes for a moment before Azriel moved to follow Mor to the dance floor. Cassian chose to stay at the booth.
"You're fearless, Thea, trying to get in the middle of that," Cassian said, looking at Azriel and Mor dancing. His tone was serious and a bit disbelieving.
Thea shook her head. "Who said I was trying to get in the middle of that? I'm not suicidal. You asked for a secret. And apparently being drunk makes me..."
"Brave," Cassian supplied.
"Stupid," Thea corrected.
Cassian smiled, amused. "Well, now I know you're a pretty fun drunk. A bit depressing, but definitely fun."
"I'm fun all the time," Thea said defiantly.
"You know what? Sure, you kind of are," he said.
"So tell me another secret. Mine was way better than yours," Thea said.
Cassian bristled at the criticism. "What do you want to know?"
"What happened between you and Mor?" she asked.
"Ah, that. We fucked one time. She chose between me and Az. We were so young, but it created a lot of tension between all of us for a while. And afterwards, Mor's family...it was awful and so fucked
up," Cassian said, looking at Mor dancing freely with a bunch of women and Azriel.
"But you don't love her now?" Thea asked, remembering their conversation on this topic five years ago.
Cassian shook his head. "No. Not romantically."
Thea nodded.
"I was hoping a certain Healer was going to fall madly in love with me. But then she tells me she prefers my brother," Cassian added dramatically. Thea looked at Cassian carefully and wondered if there was a bit of truth to his words. He was always so humorous and light with his flirtations that she just brushed them off as those of a rake.
She rested her head on his shoulder affectionately. "Well, she did say she was stupid," Thea deadpanned. She let out a large yawn, the alcohol catching up with her.
Cassian chuckled. "C'mon, I'll walk you home," he said.
******
A few days after her cringeworthy display at Rita's, Azriel showed up on Thea's patio. She fleetingly wondered how he always knew when she was in her room. But then remembered he was a spy after all.
"What's wrong?" Thea asked.
"Could I have more calming energy?" Azriel asked.
It had only been two weeks since she had last administered it.
Thea shook her head. "That's too frequent. It's basically a tranquilizer. You can't walk through life just numb all the time," Thea said.
"Why not?" Azriel asked sharply.
"That's not life, Azriel. Life is awful and beautiful. Sharp and soft. You know this," Thea said.
"I've had too much of the awful and sharp. I need more of the beautiful and soft," Azriel said, looking at Thea meaningfully. His shadow tendrils reached up her back to caress her shoulders, neck, and arms.
She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation.
Azriel watched her closely, his eyes dark with something new. Desire.
Finally.
He advanced on her as the shadows pulled her by the hips, urging her to walk backwards into her room, as though they knew he would enjoy the chase. His steps quickened as did hers until her back slammed into a wall. Azriel caged her body, bracing his hands above her head. His face was so beautiful, so pained.
They stood like that for a long moment, both slightly breathless. Desire flooded Thea's body. She was certain he could scent it. Just as she picked up on his own lust.
"Let me kiss you," she said, her request sounding more like a command.
Azriel's whole body stiffened, and for a moment, Thea feared she had read everything wrong. But then he loosened and bent down to her, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing his lips to hers hungrily.
Despite thinking the contrary for years, she would ruin her heart for a night with Azriel. Just one night.
Her tongue demanded entry, and he allowed it. She swept against his tongue, and admittedly his mouth was cool at first. She wondered if that coldness permeated all of him. Was he always cold? What made him warm? She answered her own question as she could feel the temperature in his mouth rise. One of his hands, now warm, caressed her neck as they kissed. His grip was assertive but not painful.
Azriel seemed to regain control as he pressed her against the wall with his hips, pinning her there as his mouth made a trail of kisses down her jaw, neck, and clavicle. His erection was evident, and large. He was on fire now. And so was she.
He fisted her hair firmly, and Thea moaned, writhing for a bit of friction between her legs. A shadow tendril pressed against her apex, and she moaned again. "Let me take you somewhere," Azriel said, his voice low and thick.
His dominant tone slid deliciously along Thea's spine. "To your play room?" Thea bantered back, her mind hazy with pleasure.
Azriel's hands chilled and the shadows pulled away as his whole body stiffened. He pushed away from her, eyes full of betrayal.
"What did you say?" he asked fiercely.
Thea knew she had fucked up. Her brain muddled through the shock of his kisses and touch to the complete absence of them. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up," she said.
Azriel, while discreet, did have sexual proclivities that would be considered non-traditional. And this came up when Thea did patient intake around the question of sexual partners, especially when the patient already knew Thea often treated Azriel. According to a few of her patients, he had a room full of sexual toys that supported bondage and other forms of sexual play. It was not uncommon, perfectly fine as long as everyone was consenting, and according to the patients, everyone always was. And Thea was, admittedly, quiet curious about it.
Azriel's eyes narrowed. "You aren't supposed to know about that," he spat.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a secret. There's nothing to be ashamed of or..."
"How do you know? Who told you?" he demanded, the shadows around him looking truly menacing.
But she knew deep down there was nothing to be scared of with Azriel. He would not hurt her. He was pissed and ashamed and trying to scare her. She had made him feel vulnerable, not on his terms, and that was terrifying for him.
"I'm not going to say," she said, her eyes defiant. She would never disclose her patients.
Azriel's shadows darkened, as did his face. She held his gaze firmly. He growled and turned around, vanishing through a shadow portal.
Thea exhaled and gasped for breath. He was gone. What had she done?
***
The next morning, Mor winnowed to the Healer's Hall, her eyes wild.
"Mor..."
"Come, Cassian needs help," she said, grabbing Thea. Thea grabbed her medical bag, and they landed at the training grounds at the House of Wind.
Cassian laid on the ground, Azriel's anguished body bent over him as he held his abdomen together. Shadows swirled all around.
Thea knelt down. The tension between Azriel and Thea was thick as their gazes met fleetingly.
"Azriel, I can't see," she said.
Azriel inhaled and exhaled, the shadows clearing. Cassian's abdomen had a sizable hole in it. Straight through it.
"It was my Siphon. I was shooting targets to blow off steam. He snuck up on me as a joke and I blasted him. I wasn't focused," Azriel said, his voice full of despair.
Thea sedated Cassian and worked quickly, blasting the full force of healing energy into him to stanch the bleeding and made immediate repairs to save his life. She worked for two hours, her knees cold in the blood soaked ground, her back aching. But she ignored all of it.
Azriel handed her tools, fresh water, cloth, and other supplies as she commanded.
She stretched her neck back and rolled her shoulders. Azriel watched her carefully.
"He's stable, you can move him into the House now," she said, exhausted. "I'll work on getting him to full health inside."
Azriel picked up his brother and flew him inside as Thea rose from the ground, her body screaming from being in a kneeling and hunched position for so long. She stretched as she walked down the stairs from the rooftop training grounds towards the house.
Mor and Azriel were embracing in the main room when Thea arrived. Thea swallowed hard at the view. While it was a touch for comfort and not romantic, they were so beautiful together. Upon hearing her enter, they separated. Azriel's gaze was dark, but Mor's eyes lit up.
"Thea, thank you," Mor said, rushing over to the female. "Thank you so much. I told Madja you're here. She said you can stay as long as needed."
"Of course," Thea said, her voice hoarse from dryness. When was the last time she drank any water?
Just then Azriel appeared, a large water glass in hand. "Drink," he commanded quietly.
She took the glass greedily and drank, trying to contain the exquisite shiver that ran down her spine at his tone. Admittedly, if he had commanded her to do something else, she may have been open to that as well.
"Az, don't boss her around," Mor teased, attempting to lighten the mood.
Thea snorted, the water getting into her nostrils, burning. She coughed and sputtered.
Azriel turned around and walked away abruptly.
Thea continued to cough as Mor called after him.
"Don't pay him any mind. He's just in a mood," Mor said. While she was trying to be upbeat, she was clearly concerned about whatever was affecting the Shadowsinger. Thea had a pretty good idea.
"Could I wash up somewhere?" Thea asked, changing the subject abruptly.
Mor's eyes widened, as though she realized she was being a terrible host. "Of course! And new clothes!"
After a quick bath, Thea attempted to fit into Mor's largest clothes. But could not. Thea's shoulders and hips were noticeably wider than Mor's.
"Let me get something of Azriel's," Mor said, hurrying out of her dressing room.
"I can just go back to..."
Mor was back with a set of black clothes. "Here," she said, handing the pile of clothes to Thea. Thea gulped but nodded with appreciation.
Now she was going to wear his clothes. The male she had kissed yesterday. The black linen pants fit well but low on her hips, and she rolled up the legs so she could walk. The accompanying short-sleeved linen shirt had gaps in the back for where the wings would fit, but the shoulders were spacious and comfortable. She used a strap of leather to bunch the excess fabric in the back so it would not impede her movements while she continued to work on Cassian.
"And here, food," Mor said as Thea emerged in the main room again from the dressing room in her new attire. Azriel, who was sitting at the table, looked at her up and down and swallowed, averting his gaze.
Thea sat down, not realizing how hungry she was until facing such a delicious spread of meat, fruit, and bread. "Thank you," she said as she dug in. The two members of the Inner Circle did not say anything until she had finished, and she had been so hungry she did not realize there was no conversation around.
"What's your assessment of Cassian?" Mor asked.
"After I finish, he will be fine. That hole was clean through him. He had almost lost too much blood. Almost," Thea said, getting up.
"How much time should he spend convalescing?" Mor asked.
"It's best if he took it easy for a couple days, but he won't. So I'll heal him to the point where that won't be needed." She usually healed both Cassian and Azriel to the point their recovery time was minimal. This finer work took more energy from Thea, but she knew they would go out anyway.
"It'll drain you," Azriel said.
"Have more faith," she said with a wry smile. Her stamina for Healing was unmatched in the Healer's Hall. It far exceeded what Madja could do, though Thea hid that when the elder healer was around.
Mor chuckled as Azriel frowned.
"Back to work," Thea said, heading to the bedroom where Cassian lay, sedated.
This detailed work - stitching back together every tendon, muscle fiber, regrowing organs - was some of Thea's favorite work. She loved how precise she needed to be. It was tedious and slow, but she knew the finished product would be better. Cassian would wake up and be at near 100 percent. And that's what this city needed. She worked for three hours, taking a quick break for more food. Azriel was not around, but Mor was. Thea suspected Azriel was monitoring the city and covering Cassian's shift. Another three hours, and the work was done. It was nearly ten at night. She contemplated waking Cassian from his sedation but decided to let the magic fade naturally, which would mean he would wake up in the morning. It would give his body a bit of time to settle into the repairs.
Azriel was waiting in the main room, sitting at the dining room table, his eyes focused in the distance.
"All done," Thea said.
Azriel rose from the table. "Thank you."
"Of course. The least I could do."
Azriel scowled. "None of this was because of you," he said, his voice as cold as ice.
Thea nearly flinched at the tone. Nearly. But she saw so clearly through that exterior. Felt how he had heated from their kiss. "Sure," she said neutrally.
The neutrality of her statement seemed to only enflame Azriel further, but he changed the topic. "I can fly you to the Healer's Hall."
"Sure," she said. She had only flown with him or Cassian a few times, but each time was exhilarating.
They walked to the patio where he scooped her in his arms and launched down towards the city below. The cold night air swept across her body. She retreated further into Azriel's chest, which was blessedly warm. The flight to the Healer's Hall was just a few minutes, and soon they were at the patio of her room. He dropped her off, and her body shivered from the lack of contact, craving that warmth again.
Azriel was breathing heavily, as though he also felt bereft of her presence. It was too much to hope.
"Forget what I said earlier. If you had just helped me, given me the calming energy, none of this would have happened," Azriel said, his voice once again icy.
His words were a gut punch. "Don't you dare blame me," she spat back.
Azriel glared at her, assessing. It was as though he was sizing up if all of this confusion, this tension, this heat between them was worth it.
"We're done," Azriel said, his tone one of utmost finality.
Thea snorted. She had come up short, apparently. No surprise. Who could compete with over four hundred years of a pining love for the incomparable Mor? She never stood a chance.
"We never even started," Thea shot back.
Azriel turned around and flew away.
Thea didn't have a meaningful conversation with him for forty-five years.
Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! After finishing the first three books of ACOTAR, I could not get Azriel out of my head, thinking of the kinds of people who could reach him emotionally. I totally respect folks who want Elaine or Gwen or Eris or someone else to be endgame for our emo hero, and I'm so excited for his story to be officially told soon. This story is just something I felt needed to pour out of my head and onto the page for my own sanity. It's been thrilling to write fanfiction again after almost 20 years away from the genre! I've been working on this story in earnest over the last couple of months, and it's nearly done. Spice starts in Chapter 3. The main events will span ACOMAF and conclude at the end of ACOWAR. Thanks again for reading and let me know what you think!
Chapter Text
Thea walked through the gardens behind the Healer's Hall, deep in thought. The air was crisp and the leaves on the maple trees were just starting to change color from green to red. Rhysand had returned from Under the Mountain only a few days prior. The spell he had cast had been lifted, and the people of Velaris celebrated with relief and appreciation for the return of the High Lord and the freedom to move beyond the limits of the city. Rhysand had held a meeting for just the Heads of the Halls at the House of Wind yesterday, and Madja had relayed the message that Rhysand wanted to talk with Thea the day after. She had no idea about what.
She saw the winnow open, and the High Lord of the Night Court stepped through.
"Rhysand," Thea said, standing up from the garden bench. She swallowed hard with emotion upon seeing the High Lord after fifty years. He looked different - tired and a bit haunted around his violet eyes. But he was alive. And back.
"How has our ace Healer been?" Rhysand asked, his voice smooth with that wry edge that was so familiar yet almost lost in Thea's memory. He extended his hand for her to take.
Thea smiled widely, squeezing his hand tightly. She had once tried to courtesy before him when they first met, and he laughed in her face. "Much better now," she said honestly.
Rhysand smiled in return. "Thea, will you walk with me?"
"Of course," she said.
They strolled quietly through the garden.
"This garden is nice," he said, looking around.
"Thank you. It is a good project for some of the longer term patients or guests. Gardening helped people focus and feel productive during a...tumultuous time," Thea said. The garden was something she had started shortly after the shields had gone up around Velaris when people had come to the Healer's Hall feeling trapped and lost.
"Thea, I want to thank you for all your work over the decades I was away. Azriel said you really stepped up for the non-High Fae community and provided mental health services along with physical healing. You kept it together for so many of my people," Rhysand said.
Thea was caught off guard. Outside of when he would get injured, she and Azriel had barely spoken over the last forty-five years. She did not realize he would have anything to say about her to Rhysand. Although, he was the Spymaster, so perhaps he had been keeping tabs.
"You're welcome. But we all stepped up however we could. Not just me."
Rhysand's expression turned thoughtful. "This is what I wanted to talk with you about. Cassian and Azriel. How were they while I was gone? I want your honest assessment as their Healer."
Thea hesitated. She wanted to answer her High Lord, but she also wanted to protect patient confidentiality. "They did a wonderful job protecting the city. But this time was hardest on them. In the beginning their mental health suffered, especially Azriel. They have a lot of guilt that they couldn't help you. They stayed physically fit by regularly beating the shit out of each other. Sometimes it got...a little out of hand," Thea said.
She remembered the time Azriel blew a hole in Cassian's stomach with his Siphon the day after they had kissed. There was another time Azriel's wings were crushed from Cassian throwing him against a cliffside. One time they both blasted each other with their Siphons and the impact of their shattered shields led to severe internal injuries.
Rhysand frowned. While he could not see into her mind, he understood. "I wanted to spare them, but I also made things harder," he said thoughtfully.
"You did spare them. They know you did what you did out of love. But all that frustration and anguish needed to go somewhere," she said carefully.
Rhysand nodded.
"And you? How are you feeling?" Thea asked softly.
Rhysand sighed before chuckling ruefully. "You know, no one's actually asked me that," he said.
"What?" she asked, the shock evident.
"Everyone's too scared, I think. Physically, I'm...fine. Mentally..." his voice trailed off as his eyes grew distant.
"It'll take a while to feel any semblance of normal. The trauma will be present for a while. Be patient with yourself," she advised. If the quiet rumors were to be believed, Amarantha had taken him as a lover. Thea could not imagine that being consensual, and the horrors of that kind of sexual trauma would take a long time to truly heal.
Rhysand snorted lightly. "I have patience for everything but myself."
"Exactly. Why do you think I said what I said?" Thea quipped, trying to lighten the mood.
Rhysand chuckled. "I can see why Az talks about you," he said.
Thea's eyes widened. This was the second time Rhysand mentioned Azriel talking about her. "Hopefully nothing too damning?"
Rhysand smiled, his eyes regaining a bit of that twinkle. "Not at all."
"Over the past several decades, I've mostly talked with Cassian. I haven't had many conversations with Azriel recently," she said.
Rhysand looked at her carefully, as though trying to discern her true meaning.
She hurried along to what she wanted to ask about. "In fact, Cassian and I had spoken about what we'd want to do when you came back. With your approval, I would like to visit the Illyrian war camps to check in with the people and provide healing support."
"Yes, he mentioned that. I think that would be excellent to help rekindle diplomatic relations," Rhysand said. "I was planning to visit Lord Devlon tomorrow actually, so you could join. I'll let Madja know."
"Great," she said.
The next day, Rhysand, Cassian, and Azriel picked up Thea at the Healer's Hall, and Rhysand winnowed them to Lord Devlon's camp. Thea was surprised to see Azriel, who had never gone to the camp when she had visited prior. He made minimal eye contact, which had been the norm over the recent decades. But like anytime Thea saw Azriel, her stomach tightened with desire and regret.
The snowy war camp looked the same as it did fifty years ago. Lord Devlon and two lieutenants emerged from the large central tent.
"Ah, so the dog was right? You got out from Under the Mountain," Lord Devlon sneered.
Rhysand smirked, his stance changing to that of the terrifying High Lord facade he projected at the camps. Thea had seen this a few times, and each time it was admittedly a bit intimidating to witness.
"I did. Cassian tells me the girls have not been training. I gave that order one hundred years ago. You still haven't been following it," Rhysand said, his voice deadly.
"They train," Lord Devlon stated. "If they are awful in quality, it's not my concern."
Azriel's Siphons glowed with anger, and Lord Devlon's lieutenants stared at him.
"You will personally ensure they train. Or else I will not offer up our gift," Rhysand said. Thea had been obstructed from view, but now Rhysand stepped out of the way so Lord Devlon could see.
Lord Devlon's eyes lit up with recognition. "Thea. You are as breathtaking as ever, Healer," he said with an actual smile. He extended his hands, which Thea stepped forward to take.
She courtesied low to Lord Devlon, and his smile of approval only deepened. She could almost feel Rhysand, Cassian, and Azriel roll their eyes, but it did not matter as this was about her relationship with the Illyrians. Her goal was to help as many of them as possible, and she had no qualms about showing the leader the deference he desired in order to do that. "Lord Devlon, Tierien, Garlon," Thea said, addressing the leader and his top lieutenants, "It's been too long. How are you? What can I do to help?"
Tierien and Garlon beamed at the acknowledgement. They stepped closer to Thea, which made Azriel produce a surprising low growl next to her. His eyes blazed with icy rage. Lord Devlon frowned at Azriel, and Rhysand glared at his brother.
"I will ensure the females train. Come, Healer, let us take you on a tour so you can begin," Lord Devlon said, pulling her hand to the crook of his elbow. Tierien and Garlon closed in behind the pair, leaving Rhysand, Cassian, and Azriel behind.
Once out of earshot of the trio, Lord Devlon spoke frankly to Thea. "We have several who are ill. Remnants of a plague that tore through us last year. And some bones that could use mending. Some chronic illnesses among our wise elders. The last fifty years have been a challenge. We will always survive, but seeing you brings such strength," Lord Devlon said.
"I'm sorry it's been so long, but I'm happy to be here now. Can I use the Healer's tent?"
"It's yours. And if you would like to stay overnight, we can set up a house for your comfort," Lord Devlon offered.
Thea smiled but declined. Cassian had warned her never to stay overnight without him, and she knew he had planned this to just be a day trip to give Rhysand an update on the troops. Thea set up the Healer's tent with the supplies she had brought - herbs, fresh bandages, tools. She then began her rounds, checking in on all the elders who would not be able to leave their homes and visit the Healer's tent. By the time she had returned to the tent, there was a queue of people waiting for her.
She saw each patient privately in the tent. Many of the women were asking about contraceptives, and she discreetly provided them with tonics. Several warriors came for various muscle sprains or old injuries that healed improperly. She had to re-break many bones that had healed wrongly, but that was the only way to address some of the issues.
A couple of hours into the work, one warrior came in with an old wing injury. It was affecting his quality of flight, which for an Illyrian was deeply shameful.
"I'll need to re-break the wing bone to fix it," Thea warned, looking at the place in the middle of the wing where the bone had not healed correctly.
"Do it," he said gruffly.
"Wing injuries are very sensitive. It'll be painful. Potentially sexually arousing," Thea explained using her clinical tone.
"I said fix my wing," he said rudely.
Thea sighed. This was going to be a difficult patient.
She rebroke the wing bone as quickly as she could.
"Bitch," the warrior gritted out, clearly in pain.
She ignored the comment, and proceeded to heal the new break. She also touched areas of wing membrane that had thickened with scar tissue.
"Fuck," the warrior said gruffly.
She healed the wing as quickly as was possible. "Okay, that should do it," she said, stepping back to carefully examine the wing. It looked good. The warrior would be able regained full flight ability.
"Finish the job," the warrior grunted out.
She looked at him quizzically. He looked down to his groin where his erection pressed against his leather pants.
Thea scoffed. "That's what your hand is for," she said flippantly. She turned her back to the warrior to bring the next patient into the tent. Suddenly, she felt a brutal and painful yank on her hair. She fell backwards into the warriors arms.
"No, you hungry bitch, finish the job," he snarled.
"Let go of me!" Thea screamed, now actually truly scared. She jammed her elbow into his stomach but through the leathers, the move did minimal damage.
Azriel ran through the tent, his expression focused and deadly. Thea did not even know Azriel had been outside the tent, but immediately her body flooded with relief.
The warrior sneered. "Oh I see. She's a hungry bitch for you," the warrior spat out.
Azriel roared and charged at the male who tossed Thea aside to fight. Azriel quickly overpowered the male, punching him thoroughly. And again. And again. And again.
"Azriel, enough," Thea said firmly. He stopped punching the warrior, and the fact that he listened to her command made her feel powerful for a fleeting moment. It was exhilarating.
Thea kneeled next to the unconscious warrior and assessed the damage Azriel caused. Broken nose and jaw.
"Don't heal him," Azriel said, his voice cold. "He needs to remember not to touch females like that."
Azriel extended his hand to Thea to help her up. She placed her hand in his, the scarred flesh achingly familiar. When was the last time their hands had touched? She couldn't even remember, it had been so long. But now that her hand was in his, it felt...peaceful. Azriel pulled her out of the tent.
Rhysand and Cassian strode over. The queue of patients looked at her and Azriel curiously, obviously having heard the entire confrontation.
"What the fuck was all that?" Rhysand whispered, looking into the tent.
"The bastard touched her," Azriel seethed, his rage clear. He still had not let go of her hand.
"Are you hurt?" Cassian asked, looking over Thea carefully.
"I'm fine," she said, embarrassed and frazzled. Maybe if she hadn't made such a thoughtless retort to the warrior's advances, none of this would have happened.
"None of this is your fault," Rhysand said firmly.
Thea slammed her mental walls down. "Out of my thoughts, High Lord," she scolded.
Rhysand smirked. "Fair enough. But do not blame yourself. Let's talk with Devlon." Rhysand started walking over to the central tent.
Azriel let go of her hand to press his warm palm to the small of her back as he walked with her. Rhysand told Lord Devlon what happened. The leader was apologetic and promised harsh consequences for the warrior who had harmed Thea. Thea was going to protest, but Rhysand's glare made it clear she should not. The warrior went against Devlon's orders. That means Devlon is in charge of the punishment, Rhysand explained in her mind.
Thea resumed healing the warriors, but now both Tierien and Garlon were stationed right outside the Healer's tent. Satisfied with the resolution, Rhysand prepared to return to Velaris with Azriel.
"I can stay," Azriel said to Rhysand in protest.
"Let Devlon handle this," Rhysand said.
"Rhys, she's our healer," Azriel said.
The possessive tone made Thea shiver with desire. That asshole warrior had picked up on it easily - she would always want Azriel. It was hopeless and pathetic, but that did not change a simple truth.
"Yes, who is here to build stronger relations with the most reasonable of the Illyrians through her service. How Lord Devlon is seen after this trip is important. If you stay here, it sends the message that we don't trust him," Rhysand reasoned.
Azriel gave Rhysand a look that screamed, I don't trust him.
"Thea, are you alright?" Rhysand asked.
"I'm find, Rhys, thank you," she said. "I have fifteen more patients. So perhaps three to four more hours."
"Alright, Azriel will be back in three hours to check on you. And Cassian is around somewhere overseeing the girls' training. So if you need anything..."
"I know," Thea said simply. She could scream for Cassian, and he would hear her.
Rhysand and Azriel left, the latter fairly reluctantly though he did not look at Thea.
It took Thea four hours to finish with the patients. At the end, two younger Illyrian males were added who looked like they had been sparring and hurting each other earlier in the day just for the chance to interact with the Healer.
Thea stretched and wiped her brow. She was exhausted and nearly drained, but felt useful. She had seen twenty-three patients in the Healer's tent and at least a dozen elders in their homes. With the exception of that one brute, everyone had been respectful, by Illyrian standards at least. She came out of the tent to an awaiting Azriel.
"C'mon, let's go home," he said gruffly.
"No, wait, I need to say goodbye to Lord Devlon," she said as she strolled over to the central tent.
Azriel rolled his eyes but followed, clearly not wanting to stay a moment longer than he needed at the camp.
"Just go be with your people, I'll be a minute," Thea said.
Azriel's hands fisted into balls. "These are not my people," he gritted out.
She looked at his hands, cobbling together the bits Cassian had let slip over the decades. Azriel had been hurt. It had been his half-brothers. It was bad. Azriel seemed to actively avoid coming to the camps. Thea realized he hated it here.
"I'll be quick," she amended, as she walked faster to the tent to bid farewell to Lord Devlon.
Lord Devlon was appreciative, going so far as kissing the back of Thea's hand. He also presented her with an Illyrian dagger from his personal collection.
"There isn't some kind of culture significance to this, is there Lord Devlon? You aren't secretly trying to trick me into marrying you or something?" Thea teased.
Lord Devlon chuckled, actually chuckled. "No. Just a gift. Though both Tierien and Garlon have said they are interested..."
"Goodbye, Lord Devlon. I'm glad we are able to reconnect and rebuild relations after fifty years of distance. And I look forward to visiting sometime in the future to support your people," Thea said, not letting him complete his thought.
Azriel was again waiting outside, scowling.
"I'm sorry," she said. It had taken longer than she wanted to say goodbye.
"Already getting marriage proposals," he commented, his tone cold.
"Not from anyone I'd consider," Thea shot back. Before he could respond she said, "Take me home."
He opened up a shadow winnow, and they were gone.
It was not until March, four months later, that Thea saw Azriel again. She had heard from Madja that Azriel was on various missions for Rhysand - spycrafting no doubt, though about what Thea did not know. And there was a new arrival to the House of Wind, Feyre. The Cursebreaker. Madja was personally overseeing any healing Feyre needed, which was just fine from Thea's point of view. Though, admittedly, Thea was curious about Feyre and why she was staying in Night Court when she had been the lover of the Spring Court High Lord. Perhaps she was escaping, in which case Thea could empathize.
Azriel landed on Thea's patio one evening, looking, for lack of a better word, ragged. But physically uninjured.
She went out to the patio to meet him.
"Hi," she said, intrigued by what could have instigated this visit.
"I need something to calm me down," he said, his voice tired and bottomless as shadows swirled around him.
Not this again. "Azriel, we've gone over this. Without treating the root cause, anything I do is just a short term bandage. It's basically like giving you a drug," she said.
"Exactly," he snapped.
"No. It's not healthy just to rely on something that temporarily numbs you. Without facing..."
"You want to know what I'm facing?" Azriel snarled. "I tortured the Attor today. It tried to kidnap Feyre, and I chained it up in Hewn City and made it scream. Made it tell me and Rhys all its secrets. And then I sliced it up, broke its bones, and left it for Hybern to find." His tone was brutal, icy, and angry.
Thea swallowed. "Did you not want to do those things?" she asked carefully. Had Rhys made him?
Azriel let out a dry, dark chuckle. "I loved every moment of it," he confessed.
Thea nodded carefully, thoughtful.
"Doesn't that frighten you?" he accused.
"No, I already knew this about you," she said simply.
His eyes narrowed, clearly not expecting that response.
"Look, I'm not one to judge. You enjoy torturing evil things and taking revenge. You enjoy "playing" with females who consent to a harsher kind of treatment. Are you hurting innocent people who don't consent?"
"Of course not," he said quickly with a look of disgust.
"Then why are you here asking me to calm your mind?" Thea asked.
Azriel paced, his shadows twirling around him wildly. "What's wrong with me?"
"You're different. Not out of the range of normal, though," Thea said, her tone scientific.
"What?"
"There's a healthy percent of the population who is like you," Thea said. She couldn't say how many. But across the thousands of patients she ever had over the centuries, this was not the first time she was having this kind of a conversation.
Azriel stilled, his shadows quieted. "You're completely unfazed by all this," he said.
Thea sighed, a bit exasperated. "You seem convinced that I'm going to run in terror or something," she said.
"Most people flinch around me. Feyre, she's kind, but she's scared of me," he said, the sadness seeping into his voice.
"Give her a century and she'll get used to you," Thea said wryly.
Azriel shook his head, remaining focused. "You didn't even flinch in the beginning. You've never been scared of me," he realized.
"You've never given me reason to be scared of you," she said. She was scared of what she felt. Scared of when she messed up her shot with him. But no, she never feared him. Perhaps she was a bit different as well.
He stalked towards her like a predator, his shadows flaring once again. He stopped inches away, the tendrils of his shadows caressing up her legs and tickling her palms. They stood like that, the darkness of his shadows surrounding them, for a long moment. It reminded Thea of how they had been forty-five years ago. She could feel the chemistry swirl between, even without Azriel actually touching her. And she desperately wanted him to touch her.
"After all this time, I still don't know what to do with you," Azriel admitted, his cool breath against her cheek.
"I have ideas," she said boldly. She felt the shadows snake up her lower back and wrap around her waist. She closed her eyes at the sensation.
Azriel let out a low growl of approval. His lips grazed her forehead. He was now warm.
"You strike me as someone who likes the chase. I'm a good runner," Thea said, her voice low and husky. She did not know where this bravery was coming from. Perhaps the century and a half quietly pining for him were culminating into this moment of insanity. Of laying everything on the line.
"Cauldron save me," Azriel cursed. "What else?"
Thea thought through all their interactions. "You take orders well. Does that apply in the bedroom too? If I commanded you to get on your knees, would you?" she asked. Reckless, she was being absolutely reckless.
Azriel moaned and pressed himself closer to her. His lips brushed down the side of her face. Thea gasped, wanting desperately to turn towards him and pull him into a kiss. But she remained still, having learned her lesson the last time. She would let him take the lead.
But instead of doing anything, Azriel stepped back, the heat between them dissipating. His eyes were unfocused. Rhysand was talking to him in his mind. Then he ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated.
"I have to go. There's a family dinner in town I forgot about," he said.
Thea nodded, that daring streak gone. He was leaving. No.
"I'm sorry, fuck," he said, clearly pissed. The moment they had was clearly over, but he was still standing before her.
"It's okay," Thea said.
"No, it's not," Azriel said, no, whined.
Thea laughed at the sound, having never heard that tone from him before. Azriel cracked a sheepish smile.
"We are finishing this conversation at some point," Azriel said. "Work is...there's a lot of work right now. But we are going to have this conversation," he promised.
"Yes, Spymaster, whatever you say," Thea said demurely, finding her rhythm in the conversation again. She was teasing him. They both knew it.
Azriel groaned. "I'm trying to calm myself down, Thea. I've always had the feeling you're...dangerous," he said, the wonder clear in his voice.
She was tempted to say something else provocative, but didn't push her luck. He bid her farewell and left.
Indeed it was a month until Thea saw Azriel again. In that month she had received a steady stream of patients, but no Shadowsinger. She was relieved. It meant he was unharmed, at least. Work was fine, busy as always with treating patients and training the apprentices. And yet she could not figure out why she felt so uneasy and frustrated.
But now, being in the main room of the House of Wind for Starfall, Thea's frustration eased. It was a magical, sacred night. All of the leaders of the Halls and their most respected deputies were in attendance. The whole room shimmered. And Thea herself felt beautiful. She wore a black backless halter dress that showcased her muscular arms and balanced her broad shoulders. And like so many in the room, she had opted for a dress that sparkled in the light with hundreds of small crystals sewn into the gauzy fabric. Her straight brown hair, adorn with hair pins of crystal, was up off her neck in a stylish bun. And her slightly upturned eyes were highlighted with some sparkling golden eyeshadow that complemented her warm brown skin.
"Finally, after fifty years, things feel truly celebratory," Madja said, taking in the room and her surroundings.
Thea smiled. "Indeed."
"Madja, Thea, it's lovely to see you," Mor said in greeting. She wore a gorgeous white gown, and she was accompanied by Feyre.
"You too, Mor. Thank you as always for the invitation," Madja said courteously. "And Feyre, it's nice to see you. You both look so lovely."
Feyre wore a gorgeous blue gown that shimmered with every small movement.
"Thank you. And it's nice to meet you, I'm Feyre," Feyre said, turning her attention to Thea.
Thea smiled. "I'm Thea. I'm Madja's deputy at the Healer's Hall," she said by way of introduction.
"Thea specializes in non-High Fae people. So she's healed Cassian and Azriel more times than I can count," Mor explained.
Feyre's face broke out into a mischievous grin. "I bet you've seen Cassian act like a big baby," Feyre said conspiratorially.
Thea snorted, nearly choking on her drink. She looked at Madja who wore a bemused look. "You're...not wrong," Thea said carefully.
Feyre and Mor chuckled. The sound caught Azriel's attention from across the room. He looked gorgeous in a dark gray tunic and matching pants. He was talking to the head of Trade, but his eyes landed on Thea, and he nodded in acknowledgement. And then he proceeded to stare at the backside of Mor's dress. Thea sighed, so typical. The jealousy she felt towards Mor was dull at this point, having been so used to Azriel's attention fixed on the other female.
"Well, this is a gorgeous gathering," Cassian said jovially, walking up to the females.
"Ah, just the person we were teasing," Mor said breezily, placing her head affectionately on Cassian's shoulder.
Cassian's eyes narrowed. "Are you divulging my secrets, Healer?" he asked, directing his attention to Thea.
"Only a bit, General," Thea replied.
Feyre's eyes lit up at the flirtatious interaction as Mor dragged Feyre away to gossip. Madja excused herself from the conversation.
"I show up and everyone leaves," Cassian observed.
"Don't you always have that effect on people?" Thea teased.
Cassian nudged Thea a bit harder than she expected, especially wearing heels, and she nearly fell over. Cassian quickly grabbed her, wrapping a hand around her bare back. He frowned as he righted her on her feet. He craned his neck to study the back of her dress, or the lack thereof.
"Fuck, Thea. You don't mess around," he said approvingly.
Thea rolled her eyes. Just as she was about to retort, the first spirit streaked across the night sky, and people cried out in delight. She looped her arm inside the crook of Cassian's as she pulled him to the patio. "C'mon, I want a better view."
He chuckled and deftly led them outside. They watched the spirits in silence until Mor beckoned Cassian to come dance. He excused himself and joined Mor on the dance floor.
"Nice dress," a voice next to Thea said.
She shivered, savoring the sound of his voice. "Thank you," she said. She briefly glanced at Azriel standing next to her, but his attention was to the sky, watching the spirits. "So how have you been?" Thea asked, returning her gaze to the sky.
Azriel kept his eyes on the spirits. "Busy. Frustrated. Work's been...a lot. You?"
Thea shrugged. "Strangely enough...same," she said simply.
They were silent for a long moment, just watching the sprits run across the sky.
"I had hoped to visit to continue our prior conversation..." Azriel started to explain.
Thea completed his sentence. "But you're off trying to save the world, so don't worry about it."
Azriel chuckled. "Yeah. That." There was a heaviness in his tone.
The music inside was getting louder. Thea inhaled, gathering up her courage. "So I was wondering..."
"Az! Az! Az! Come, let's dance!" Mor said excitedly, running up to Azriel and grabbing his wrist to pull him to the dance floor.
Azriel's eyes met Thea's in quick apology before heading towards the center of the floor to dance with Cassian and Mor. The three melded and glided together seamlessly. It was both intoxicating and painful to watch, so Thea looked away. She redirected her attention up towards the sky to continue to watch the spirits overhead. There was nothing like this in Dawn Court, and this, along with many others things, made her love her current home so deeply.
Thea spent the rest of Starfall mingling, eating, and laughing. She only occasionally watched Azriel, who more often than not was watching Mor. Thea was getting ready to leave when suddenly Azriel appeared. So quiet. She hadn't heard or felt him until he was in front of her.
"What did you want to ask me before?"
Thea smiled slightly. He had remembered. "Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to dance?" she asked, digging deep for that courage.
While Azriel danced the more upbeat songs, Thea knew he didn't dance the slow ones. In all the years she knew him, he never danced a slow song with anyone. She was asking for a slow song.
Azriel glanced tentatively towards the dance floor.
"We don't have to dance there," Thea said quickly, looking at the dance floor where Rhysand and Feyre were sparkling together, dancing with no space between their bodies. "I was thinking there," she suggested, looking at a shadowy corner of the patio.
Azriel quirked an eyebrow as his lips broke out in a small smirk. He shadow walked them to the corner without warning.
Thea gasped with surprise. "A little warning next time," she grumbled, lightly punching him in the chest.
He chuckled as he grasped her hand, placing it on his shoulder. She thought he would hold her other hand in his, but instead, he put it on his shoulder as well. Azriel's shadows surrounded them as they swayed to the music, some of the tendrils sliding up her bare back while Azriel's scarred hands remained fixed at her waist - they were cold at first, but warmed quickly. When a shadow tendril wrapped around the back of Thea's bare neck, she gasped.
"Sorry," Azriel said, and the pressure was gone.
"Don't stop. I liked it," she said, bending her arms more so that she was now closer to him. "Bring it back."
Azriel appraised her, that piercing, calculating gaze holding so much uncertainty, loneliness, surprise, and desire. The shadow tendril returned to Thea's neck, the pressure comforting. It was as though there was another hand there, gently caressing her.
Thea closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of Azriel's hands on her waist and the tendrils along her back and neck. She bent her arms further to rest her cheek on Azriel's chest as she swayed.
Was she being too forward? Fuck it. He wasn't saying no. Was he wishing it was Mor in his arms? Probably. Oh well. Thea chose to pretend Azriel actually wanted her the way she wanted him. Her chest warmed at the fantasy as the two of them continued to sway.
They danced for several songs, until the dawn broke, the music stopped, and the shadows receded.
"Thanks for the dance," Thea said as they pulled apart.
Azriel looked at her, almost shyly. He opened his mouth to speak.
"Ah, there you are, Az, you disappeared," Cassian said, clapping his brother on the back.
Azriel slightly jolted at the contact, as though getting pulled from a daydream. "I've been here the whole time," he said quietly, sharing a small secret smile with Thea.
"What? I looked for you. You definitely were not there."
Azriel shrugged. "I was."
Thea saw the last of the guests were leaving.
"Thanks for hosting," she said. "Definitely the best Starfall since I've lived here."
"Let me take you home," Azriel offered.
"I'd like that, thank you," she said softly. "Goodnight, Cassian," she added. Cassian wore a curious expression on his face, as though he was going to grill his brother or Thea about what happened later.
Instead of shadow winnowing, Azriel scooped Thea in his arms to fly her back to the Healer's Hall. Thea pressed herself into his chest as she closed her eyes. She hadn't flown with Azriel in forty-five years, and she savored being in his arms like this once again.
The flight was too short. She wanted more time, but soon he was landing on her porch. He held her for a moment in the dawn light before tipping her feet down to the floor. His hands brushed her bare back, and she inhaled quietly from the contact, her heart racing.
"I had a nice time tonight," Azriel said, a bit shy.
"Do you want to stay a while? Thought we might talk?" Thea asked.
Azriel shook his head. "I have to leave later today, otherwise I would."
She struggled to hide her disappointment. All she wanted to do was pull him into her room and not leave.
Azriel looked at her carefully. "I'm sorry about all these years. I was embarrassed. It was...juvenile."
"It really was," Thea agreed dryly. Azriel chuckled. It wasn't okay how he had iced her out. But she understood why. "Don't do that again."
"I won't. Please forgive me."
"Already forgiven."
Azriel bent down and kissed her cheek. "You're right. It was the best Starfall."
Thea stretched her back and shoulders as she walked around the Illyrian war camp. It was cold, but it was nice to be outside after a full morning of patients. As Cassian had told her when he and Mor had fetched her at dawn, war was imminent. The Illyrians needed every warrior in top health, and her job was to get them as close to that goal as possible. She just needed to find a camp mother to get some lunch before resuming her work.
Thea.
Rhysand? She froze mid-step. Why was the High Lord speaking in her mind?
I need your help.
Where are you? Thea looked around the camp. She had thought Rhysand and Feyre were training elsewhere.
My mother's house. He sounded tired, defeated.
She ran to the modest house at the edge of the camp. Cassian was outside scanning for her and visibly sighed with relief when he saw her running.
"Where is he?" she asked.
"Take a breath," Cassian advised.
"I'm fine," she said, brushing off his concern. She was a good runner, after all.
"C'mon," Cassian said, leading her into the house and up the stairs to a bedroom.
Rhysand was sitting on the edge of the plain bed. He was breathing heavily, but what caught Thea's attention were the holes in his wings. Seven of them.
"Fuck," she cursed as she went to him. She held her glowing hands out to assess him. There was also poison in his system. "Bloodbane." He had a couple broken ribs. And his back was torn apart by at least a dozen lashes. "Shit, get me water and towels, lots of them."
Cassian nodded and left the room to get the supplies.
Thea sent a blast of healing energy into Rhysand to stabilize him and stanch the bleeding on his back. Then she began working on his ribs, pouring healing energy into his chest to repair the bones.
It took a while, but eventually his breathing was no longer strained.
"Hybern?" she asked.
"Yes," Rhysand muttered.
"Where is Feyre?" she asked, looking around the room.
"She left," he said, the anguish in his voice clear.
"Did she leave before you got injured or after?" Thea carefully examined the arrow holes in his wings. Judging from the pus and rotting smell, the ash arrows had been dipped with Bloodbane.
"After. She saved me," he said. "She found out we're mates."
Thea's eyes widened at the news, but she was not surprised after seeing the two of them cling to each other at Starfall a month ago. She was, however, perplexed. "She doesn't want to be mates?"
Rhysand snorted. "I...I don't know," he said, his voice hollow.
He sounded so defeated, so wounded. It was jarring to see the most powerful High Lord in history in this state of despair.
Thea's mind raced to find something to say that could help his mood. "Honestly, everyone could tell at Starfall that things were special between you two," Thea said matter-of-factly as she cleaned the wing wounds.
Rhysand chuckled ruefully. "Speaking of Starfall, you had a nice time," he said, a bit of that trademark mischievousness re-entering his voice.
Thea narrowed her eyes. "Are you trying to read my mind again, High Lord?" she asked.
"No. It's much easier to read Azriel's," he said, watching her carefully to gauge her reaction.
Thea blushed.
Rhysand seemed pleased by what he saw. "He's...happier around you. Lighter."
Thea sighed. "Are we really going to discuss this because you need something to keep your mind off your mate?" she asked, annoyed.
Rhysand's eyes glinted with mirth. "Yes."
Thea rolled her eyes. She almost contemplated walking away and not healing his wings. Almost.
"What I don't really understand is why him for you? You can have your pick of suitors, especially among Illyrians. Why Az?"
"You don't think he's deserving?" she asked, watching his face carefully.
Rhysand's expression turned a bit dark. "He's done horrific things. We both have."
"Are you a horrific person?" Thea asked. She started to heal one of the wing wounds.
Rhysand gulped. "I'd like to think not," he said quietly. He clenched his jaw as the healing energy rebuilt the veins, nerves, and tissue missing from the hole.
"Neither is he," Thea said simply.
Thea worked on three more wounds in silence. She assumed Rhysand was concentrating on not getting aroused from the experience.
He eventually broke the silence. "Feyre called me a mess. I am a mess," Rhysand said, his eyes distant.
Thea snorted. "So is she," she said, her tone perhaps a bit too impertinent.
Rhysand glared at Thea as his posture stiffened, the stance of a vengeful mate.
Thea quickly explained what she meant. "We all are, Rhys. In our own ways. The better question might be, does your mess and hers complement each other?"
He posture relaxed as he thought over her words. Another long silence passed. Thea worked to heal the last arrow wound.
"Does yours and Azriel's messes complement each other?" Rhysand asked.
Thea chuckled ruefully. "I don't know yet."
"But you want to find out."
"I do. Does he?" She shrugged in answer to her own question. She had no idea what Azriel wanted, except Mor.
"I hope Feyre wants to find out," Rhysand whispered.
"Rhys, I promise you she does," Thea said confidently.
"Did she say something to you?" His tone was a bit eager.
Thea shook her head. "I have eyes," she said dryly.
Rhysand laughed. Just then, Mor came into the room. Rhysand's posture once again turned aggressive. "Where is she?" Rhysand demanded.
Mor help up her hands. "Feyre's fine, safe. She needs some time to process."
"I want to talk to her," Rhysand said.
Mor rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Rhys, I don't give a fuck what you want. You chose to not tell her. She had to learn from capturing the fucking Suriel?"
Thea's respect for Feyre increased exponentially. Thea had never even contemplated speaking to the Suriel let alone capturing it.
"I know I fucked up. I want to fix it," Rhysand said.
Mor threw up her hands dramatically. "That's not what she needs. She just needs time to think."
Rhysand turned towards Thea who was now inspecting his back to determine the best way to heal the lashings. "How long do I have to convalesce?"
"I can heal you completely within a couple hours. But it would mean I would need to take a break from healing the Illyrian warriors," Thea said.
Rhysand thought it over. "No, don't exhaust yourself. It's more important to continue helping the troops."
Thea nodded.
"Tell me where she is," Rhysand said, turning his attention back to Mor.
"No. You can figure it out yourself," Mor said, leaving the room.
Rhysand sighed.
Thea worked quietly on stitching his back together. He had been tortured, and her blood ran cold as she envisioned what that must have been like. She thought about Azriel enacting this kind of brutality on an enemy and enjoying it. While she found Hybern disgusting, she did not feel the same about Azriel. She knew her feelings for him led to these inconsistencies in her morality. But honestly, she didn't care.
Once she was done with his back, Thea spoke again. "Rhys, I can get you in flying shape in a couple hours," she offered again.
He shook his head. "No."
"Oh, you mean you aren't eager to get out there and find Feyre?" Thea teased.
Rhysand chuckled. "I am. But Mor is right. Giving Feyre more time to think things over is better. She's still so young," he said thoughtfully.
Thea nodded with understanding. "Oh to be twenty years old and to have found your mate," she said, a bit wistful and wry at the same time. Feyre was incredibly fortunate to have this kind of love, this kind of certainty, at such a young age. Thea doubted Feyre would ever truly appreciate how precious that was. And how much heartache she avoided.
Rhysand snickered as he stretched his wings and back. "Your time will come," he said, his tone drenched with haughtiness.
Thea scoffed. "Don't be cruel, High Lord," she bantered.
"If it doesn't work out with Azriel, there's always Cassian. Or I'm sure Lord Devlon would give you both of his top lieutenants," Rhysand teased.
Thea laughed at the absurdity, and Rhysand joined her. After a few moments, Thea was able to calm down and focus.
"Okay, that's enough. I'll let the Bloodbane work it's way out of your system naturally. Don't fly tomorrow. You can start your search the next day," Thea instructed.
Rhysand nodded. "Thank you, Healer," he said, his voice warm and full of appreciation.
"Of course, High Lord."
Author's Note: Thank you so much for the interest in the story! I'm hoping to upload two chapters every weekend. Really appreciate the kudos and welcome additional thoughts too!
Chapter Text
Thea and Madja were in the main area of the Healer's Hall when the screaming started.
"Madja?" Thea said, turning to her mentor as apprentices pressed their faces to the windows.
"Someone's attacking the city!" Gloria, one of the apprentices cried out.
"Get away from the windows!" Madja yelled.
But it was too late. A blast erupted and part of the Healer's Hall exploded, knocking Thea and Madja off their feet and flinging them back. Thea felt the heat, the dust, and the vibration of the blast as she flew backwards, but lost all sense of time and space as she laid on the floor. Her ears were ringing, her body ached, her head throbbed.
"Thea!" someone yelled. Was that Beatrice? Madja?
Thea tried to move, but everything hurt.
"Thea, get up girl!" Madja yelled.
Thea's head began to clear, and she forced herself onto her knees, trying to get her bearings. It was so shiny and bright. At that's when she realized the front wing of the Healer's Hall was now rubble. Through the dust, the early afternoon sun shined down on Thea's face. She winced and looked away. But her eyes then snagged on a motionless body - Gloria - the apprentice who had been by the window.
Thea crawled over to Gloria and felt for a pulse, for any sign of life. Nothing. Thea gasped. She blasted healing energy into Gloria to try to jumpstart her heart. Nothing.
"Thea! Stop, conserve your energy!" Madja cried out as she healed another apprentice who had been by the window.
Thea's heart squeezed with regret as she scrambled over the rubble to where Madja was. "What do you want me to do?" she asked her mentor.
Madja placed a hand over Thea's forehead to assess her. She pulsed a bit of healing energy into Thea, which helped clear her mind further. "We can handle things in here. But out there, all those people," Madja said, her lips pressed together in a grim line as she watched grotesque winged soldiers attack the people of Velaris.
"I'll help who I can," Thea said. She ran to her bedroom in the back of the Healer's Hall and grabbed her medical kit and the dagger Lord Devlon had gifted her. Upon returning to what used to be the front of the Hall, she crouched down in the rubble, wrapping the belt with her dagger around her waist and plotting out a course to get to the injured.
"Do not linger on anyone. If their injuries are serious, you do what you can in a couple minute's time and move on. Protect yourself, keep moving," Madja instructed.
Thea inhaled deeply, her heart pounding. She had never seen such violence. Heard such screams. But she buried all of her own terror deep down and launched herself out into the chaotic streets. The cacophony of screams was overwhelming, and at first Thea got distracted by people clinging to her, begging for help finding a lost loved one or a safe place to shelter. She wanted to help everyone, but quickly disciplined herself to look for the injured.
She healed a few head injuries and broken leg bones from fallen rubble, instructing people to head to the Healer's Hall for further help. She wasn't sure if it was even safe at the Healer's Hall in actuality, but people needed hope.
Thea saw a large red shield encase the city, delaying more winged soldiers from landing on the streets. Cassian. She looked around trying to find her friend, but did not know where he was.
"Help!" a female voice wailed out.
Thea turned her head to the sound to find a woman clutching a small, still child in her arms. Thea ran along the walkway and knelt down. It was a male river nymph.
"Please, please help!" the female cried out, likely his mother.
Thea scanned his body but found no signs of life. Thea's heart broke. She surged healing energy into his little body, grasping for hope. A pulse, she just needed a little, faint pulse.
"Save him, please!" the female cried out.
Thea tried again. Nothing. "I'm sorry, he's gone," she said.
"No!" the female cried, clutching the boy.
Thea attempted to find another person to help, but the female grabbed her.
"No! Don't leave us! Please! Please try again, please!"
Thea's throat burned with unshed tears. "I'm sorry. I have to go," she said. If this were under different circumstances, she would have stayed and worked longer to try to revive the boy, but she could not linger. That meant other lives lost.
"I hope the Cauldron curses you!" the female lashed out.
Thea's heart broke a little more as she scrambled away from the crying female and the lifeless boy. She inhaled deeply and buried her anguish. She knew the female said that out of anger and grief. She needed to focus on what she could do. The lives she could save in this absolute chaos.
Winged soldiers were on rooftops, tearing into buildings and scaring people out of them and into the streets where they were being slaughtered by other soldiers. This was not war. This was a massacre of innocent people. Thea did not know how to fight, but she unsheathed her dagger and crept behind an enemy who was about to deliver a killing blow to an older male High Fae. Thea stabbed the soldier in its neck, blood spraying everywhere. The male scrambled to his feet and grabbed the soldier's sword out of its hand and stabbed it from the front.
This was the first life Thea had ever taken. Under different circumstances she would have felt awful, but right now she just felt angry and terrified.
"Are you hurt?" she asked the male.
"No, I'm okay. But my wife..." he said, looking into the house.
"Show me," Thea said, following him into the house where she saw a female High Fae bleeding profusely on the floor from deep claw marks along her chest.
Thea blasted her with healing energy to stop the bleeding and sealed the wounds. "She's stable and can move. Get her to the Healer's Hall, and they can help her further," Thea instructed.
The male nodded, and Thea carefully left the house and re-entered the fray. She continued down the street and healed a few more people. Just as she was about to move to the next house, the ground vibrated hard behind her as someone landed.
She turned around, ready to strike the enemy.
"What the fuck are you doing out here?" Azriel roared at her. His eyes were wild, his face full of rage and darkness, and his seven Siphons gleamed with power. He looked like death incarnate, beautiful, glorious death that she would welcome.
But he had never raised his voice at her before. "Saving people!" she hollered back.
"It's not safe!" he said, looking around and up for any potential attacks.
"Obviously," she said, walking towards the next house.
Azriel grabbed her shoulder to stop her. "Survey the house first. Make sure it is clear of enemies. Then enter," he instructed.
"Azriel, go, defend this city," Thea said. He was wasting precious time talking to her. He needed to fight, to kill.
He hesitated. "Thea..."
"Go! Protect us," she urged.
He held her gaze for a long moment then nodded, launching into the air and attacking the remaining winged soldiers on rooftops ahead of where Thea was running.
So much death. She was too late to save so many. And some she tried to save and failed to do so before they succumbed to their injuries with scared expressions on their faces. Some had worn expressions of relief at seeing her, thinking she would save them. How badly she wanted to, but for some, their injuries were simply too catastrophic, and it would take too long and too much power to try. She felt so guilty telling them lies that someone else would arrive to help them. Some begged her not to leave.
It destroyed her, but she buried it further down. She needed to save who she could. Her gaze went to the Rainbow where people were fleeing and screaming, and a legion of winged soldiers were savoring the slaughter. Thea ran over, healing a few people along the way. As she entered the artistic heart of Velaris, she saw Feyre summoning the water in the river, forming wolves that attacked the soldiers, drowning them on land. Then the wolves morphed to winged creatures to follow the soldiers who attempted to escape by air. Thea gasped, having never seen such remarkable magic.
Thea ran down the alley that Feyre had just cleared of soldiers.
"Thea! Why are you outside?" Feyre asked, her expression wild like Azriel's had been.
"Trying to save as many people as I can," she replied.
Feyre nodded in approval. She turned to a shopkeeper who held a pipe as a weapon. "Help her find the injured. She's a Healer," she instructed.
The shopkeeper nodded, and Feyre was off.
Thea turned and smiled with relief. "Hi Iris, I'm relieved to see you're okay," she said to the shopkeeper.
"Likewise, Thea. Who the hell was that warrior with the water magic?" Iris asked as she guided Thea over to a few people huddled around a male Urisk with a severe stab wound.
"That was Feyre, the Cursebreaker," Thea said.
Iris nodded in understanding.
Thea healed the Urisk and bid farewell to Iris. She was back in the alley, looking for the next tranche of injured people when a wave of starry darkness flooded the street, the whole city. Thea sighed in relief. Rhysand. She could hear a few screams and realized the darkness was attacking the last of the enemies that had infiltrated the streets.
The darkness quickly lifted, and the afternoon sun was back. People reemerged from their hiding spots and flooded the streets to take stalk of the destruction, to find their loved ones. Thea inhaled and exhaled deeply before refocusing on her task.
Rhysand! she called out in her mind.
Rhysand winnowed in front of Thea a moment later.
"Thea," he said, clearly relieved to see the Healer uninjured.
Thea did not want to waste time. "We need to set up triage protocol. Could you let Madja know where I am? I'll scout ahead and try to stabilize as many people as possible, but some of the apprentices and Healers need to come out to bring people back to the Healer's Hall."
Rhysand nodded in agreement. "Of course," he said and disappeared.
Thea asked Iris to coordinate the people of the Rainbow to find any injured neighbors in the area and sent a message to Rhysand to have the Healers coordinate with Iris to find the most severely injured. Thea then moved on to the next neighborhood of the city and did the same thing, working with a local leader she trusted to coordinate their neighbors to find everyone who had been injured. Thea saved her magic for only the most critically injured.
After a few hours, Thea took a break to eat some food at Tanvi's restaurant, the spicy curry warming her soul. Tanvi had made a huge vat of curry for everyone helping with repairs and the injured.
"Smells good," Cassian said, looking at Thea's bowl before sitting down and enjoying the momentary reprieve.
"Get your own," Thea said grumpily but with a relieved smile at seeing her friend alive. But..."You're injured."
Cassian shrugged, his bruised face coming into even sharper relief at the motion. "Not a big deal," he said. Tanvi set a bowl of curry in front of Cassian who looked at the owner with appreciation. "Thank you, Tanvi. Sorry this visit is under such awful circumstances. Much prefer being here with the whole family and not after, well, an attack."
Tanvi patted Cassian's shoulder affectionately. "It's always lovely to feed you and your brothers. Where are they?" She looked around but did not spot Rhysand or Azriel.
"Rhys is building new wards. Stronger ones. Az..."
"I'm here," Azriel said quietly, emerging from a shadowy corner.
Thea took him in with her gaze. He was exhausted, Siphons dull. But he was alive. And also injured. Blood was dripping from somewhere.
Tanvi smiled as Azriel sat down next to Thea. She gave him a bowl of curry that he took with an appreciative nod.
Thea scanned his body with a glowing hand to assess his injuries. A few slashes and stab wounds. But they avoided his organs thankfully.
"I'm fine," he said, beginning to eat. "How are you?"
"I'll be better if you aren't injured," Thea said, blasting healing energy through Azriel to stanch the bleeding.
"That's enough. Save it for others," he said quietly. "But thank you."
Thea nodded. Other than the few words they exchanged during the invasion, they had not spoken since Starfall.
"Are you okay?" Azriel asked carefully.
Thea knew what he was asking. But she hadn't even processed anything. She was just running on adrenaline. And there was so much work to do before resting and slowing down her busy mind. "I don't know yet. But probably not," she replied truthfully.
Azriel nodded in understanding.
"You?" Thea asked.
"Same," Azriel admitted.
"Me too, not that either of you seem interested," Cassian said, testy, as he scraped the bottom of his curry bowl.
Thea rolled her eyes. She leaned across the table and shoved Cassian's head lightly. He chuckled which made Azriel and Thea do the same.
Once the meal was done, Azriel and Cassian flew off to help in a different part of town. Thea continued her survey of the injured, working well into the night. It must have been two in the morning when she finally went back to the Healer's Hall. Madja briefed her on the patients they had saved, and those they had not. Thea felt numb, her nerves frayed, as she trudged to her room. She bathed, washing the blood and grime off her body, and got ready for bed.
But rest did not come. Flashes of the day flooded her mind. The lifeless boy. The weak cries for help as she walked away from people who were too injured to save. The curses of people who saw she was abandoning their loved ones. The soldiers slaughtering people she knew. Their blood on her hands. The fear. The screams.
"Thea."
Thea looked up to find Azriel crouching in front of her. She was curled up on the floor in a fetal position. How did she get here?
"Here," Azriel said gently, placing a pillow below her head.
Thea shattered at the soft gesture. She wept. Azriel laid down on the floor next to her on the floor, wings tucked against his back as cradled her against him, saying nothing. Thea was not sure how long she cried against his body, his chest shielding her from the outside world. Shadow tendrils encased her back, cocooning her in their embrace.
Eventually Azriel asked, "How many?"
"Thirty-four. I let thirty-four people die today," Thea croaked out.
The shadows tightened around her. "Don't say it like that. You didn't let anyone die," Azriel said.
"But I did! I made choices that led them to die. I allowed it to happen."
"Hybern did this. Do not forget who the enemy is."
"They are the enemy, yes. But I betrayed those people. They trusted me to help. Their families thought I would help. And I left them," she heaved out.
"To save others," Azriel said. "I know each loss is painful. But you saved so many."
"Not enough."
"Did you count?"
"No."
"Count next time. You deserve to know."
"I'm not seeking some balance of the scales, Azriel. I don't need that validation. I just don't want their looks of betrayal and suffering branded into my mind," Thea confessed.
Azriel's arm wound around Thea's back, and he tightened his grip. People did not treat Azriel like this. He was a defender of the city, and while so many residents were scared of him, they always regarded him as almost other-worldly. Thea was someone people relied on to take care of them. And today, she was destined to fail so many. Yes, save many. But also fail miserably.
"It'll get better with time, but that feeling might always be there. That...hole," Azriel said.
Thea buried her face in his chest further, seeking escape. At some point her breathing evened out, and Azriel gently picked her up off the floor and put her on the bed.
She stirred. "Are you leaving?"
Azriel nodded. "We have to prepare for retaliation," he said.
"We? You mean the Inner Circle?"
"Yes."
Thea frowned sleepily. "The only thing that would be true retaliation would be destroying Hybern..." She paused as realization struck her.
The lack of protest only confirmed her suspicions. The Inner Circle was going to enter Hybern. And that was beyond dangerous. That was suicidal. Then again, if anyone could do it, they could. And that's why they were attempting it.
She sighed as Azriel watched her. She may never see him again. Before Rhysand had thrown the shield over Velaris, she had this thought every time she and Azriel parted. It had been a habit. But this time, it felt more...likely.
This was life now. Scary. Unknown. Dangerous.
"Come back, and I'll patch you up," she said, her voice unwavering.
He gave her an approving nod, perhaps proud of her bravery. "I'll hold you to it," he said before walking over to the patio to leap into the night sky.
She didn't even have time to thank him for helping her.
Thea spent the next few days supporting people's recovery and mourning the dead. She felt numb and kept expecting patients to accuse her of failing their friends and loved ones. But no one did. In total there were one hundred and twenty-seven people who were killed in the attack. The living were trudging along, trying to grieve and rebuild at the same time.
Suddenly, Thea felt a painful stab to her back and chest that burned. And while it was not debilitating, it was ever present.
"There's nothing wrong," Madja said, puzzled, after assessing Thea.
"My mind is playing tricks, I guess," Thea said. But felt like something was terribly wrong.
Madja's eyes grew distant for a moment before she refocused on Thea.
"Thea! With me! Quickly. We must get to Rhysand's townhouse!" Madja cried out.
No. They're hurt. And if we're going to the townhouse, it's bad. Thea had never been to the townhouse. She knew where it was, sure, but Rhysand and the others preferred getting healed at the Healer's Hall or the House of Wind. There was a layer of removal in those places. His townhouse was personal.
Thea grabbed her medical bag. For days she had been going over every possibility of injury given her last conversation with Azriel. She had fresh stocks of every herb and fresh bandages of all sizes.
"Come, Madja, I can winnow us there," Thea said to her mentor.
Madja's shock was evident. "You can winnow?"
But Thea did not respond as she opened a gate and gripped Madja's hand as they walked through and arrived at the front of Rhysand's townhouse. Thea had never told Madja she could winnow as it risked disclosing her true identity.
"Come!" Ameren cried out as she flung the door open.
Thea ran through the unfamiliar door and was greeted by shouts and moans...and so much blood.
Azriel and Cassian. They were writhing in pain. Cassians wings were...non-existent...shredded. Azriel was in Mor's arms as she attempted to stanch the bleeding. Suddenly, Thea understood the pain she felt earlier in the chest. Because in Azriel's chest was an ash arrow.
And as Thea looked at Azriel's wild and pained eyes, she felt an abrupt tug within her body, a flood of desire and love, and a fierce primal need to protect.
She gasped. The mate bond. After all these years...now? It had been him all along?
She froze for a moment before her Healer instincts took over. He was so pale. Dying. Compartmentalizing, Thea knelt in the pool of Azriel's blood assessing the injury as she placed a hand on his forehead to flow calming pain relief to his mind. Azriel moaned with appreciation.
All of this must have taken just moments as Madja finally got to the scene, her legs wobbly and slow.
"Thea, switch, help Cassian," Madja directed.
"What?" Thea asked, breathless. The thought of leaving Azriel, after what she just discovered seconds ago, felt impossible.
"The wings! You're the specialist," Madja barked already assessing Azriel's chest wound herself.
"Right...of course," Thea said, rushing over to Cassian. She flooded his mind with pain relief as she assessed the damage. This was catastrophic.
"Save them," he begged Thea. "Save them or kill me." He was crying, his face one of pure anguish.
Thea inhaled as she looked at Rhysand, who's face was ghostly pale. He was unsure the wings could be saved. It was so clear in his expression.
But she could do it. It would take nearly everything within her. But she could.
She looked at Cassian straight in the eyes. "I've got it, Cass. I promise. I need to sedate you. I would do a better job that way. Is that okay?"
"Yes, do whatever it takes," Cassian gritted out, the pain starting to overpower the temporary relief she had been providing. Thea quickly sedated Cassian and placed his now heavy head gently back on the floor.
"What do you need?" Rhysand asked once Cassian was out.
"Water, lots and lots of clean water. And all the clean blankets you have," she said. Rhysand nodded and hurried to get the supplies.
The first step was to clean what remained of the wings to avoid infection. This meant delicately flushing every area with water to remove debris and minimize the risk of infection. Rhysand used the blankets to sop up the bloodied water from the floor. The wings were not only shredded, but partly burned. This meant that she needed to remove all the burnt tissue before she could determine how to rebuild his wings.
The ache in her chest started to ease, and she turned her head to look at Madja and Azriel. Azriel was sedated, the arrow was out, and his chest was now healed. He still looked terribly pale, but he was alive.
"How is he?" Thea ventured to ask her mentor.
Madja frowned. "That arrow was Bloodbane tipped. The poison was spreading through his body fast. I've contained it, but he'll need..."
"I have the herbs in the bag," Thea said.
Madja looked at Thea, pleased. "Good girl," she said approvingly, finding the right vial with dried pink flowers. "I'll make the tea," she said.
Thea resumed her work removing the dead flesh from Cassian's wings. When Madja came back to the room, Thea washed her hands and took out a clean scalpel. She cut her palm, cupping the blood that pooled. Mor looked at Thea curiously.
"Madja, here," Thea said.
Madja held the cup out as Thea poured in her blood. Madja nodded in understanding, healing Thea's wound once enough blood was in the cup. Thea was going to do anything she could to help Azriel.
"You're of the Dawn Court?" Mor asked, shocked.
This might have been the first personal question Mor asked Thea in the one hundred and fifty years they knew each other. Mor was always friendly but with that casual indifference one holds acquaintances or the help. And she never once attempted to know Thea more deeply. And given Azriel's open desire for Mor, and Thea's own feelings towards him, Thea made no attempts to ingratiate herself to Mor. She knew Mor was lovely, fierce, brave, intelligent, and beautiful. She completely understood why Azriel had loved her for 500 years. But that didn't mean she wanted to be friends with the female.
"I am, originally. But I prefer the night," Thea said, glancing at Azriel.
"You do bear a remarkable resemblance to Thesan," Rhysand assessed, as though looking at her for the first time.
Thea did not disagree. "Later," she said. She fortified her mental shields, not wanting Rhysand to know about the groundbreaking discovery of the mating bond.
Rhysand pursed his lips but said nothing further on the topic.
Madja roused Azriel just enough so that he could drink the tea with her support. Once all the liquid was drained, Madja resumed the sedation and rested Azriel's head back to the floor. "He's stable, you can move him," Madja said to Rhysand.
Relief flooded through Thea. Azriel would live. Now she just needed to make sure his brother did too.
"Mor, go check on Elaine and Nesta. Bring Madja. Ameren, handle the book. I'll get Azriel to a bed," Rhysand directed.
"Who's Elaine and Nesta? And where's Feyre?" Thea asked offhandedly as she planned out how to rebuild Cassian's wing. The dead silence that followed her questions made her realize she had said something wrong.
She looked at Rhysand, his face severe. And Mor looked heartbroken.
"Oh, fuck," Thea whispered.
"Feyre's alive but now in Spring Court. Elaine and Nesta are her sisters. They were...changed from human to fae," Mor supplied.
Thea met Rhysand's eye. His mate was back with Tamlin? What was going on? Thea quickly compartmentalized her thoughts. This was important, but she needed to focus on Cassian's wings.
"Later," she whispered to Rhysand. They were going to have a talk later. About her. About what was going on. But now was not the time.
Rhysand nodded. "Later."
Rebuilding Cassian's wings was the hardest thing Thea had ever done. Mor set Thea up in a guestroom at the townhouse so she could rest. She would sleep for four hours and then do an eight hour shift on Cassian's wings. Then another four hours of sleep. And then another eight hours of work. It was a grind where she lost sense of time, of days. She started with fixing the wing bones that were broken. Then worked on arteries and veins, then the nerves. Upon her request, Rhysand brought every book on Illyrian wing anatomy from the libraries which admittedly was just a few. As she ate, she studied the anatomical drawings to make sure she wasn't missing anything. Having worked on Cassian so much over the last century and a half, she also used her memory of how his own individual wings had looked, felt, and operated. From all that, she reconstructed a paper thin layer of membranes and tissue.
She spent so much time, energy, and attention working on Cassian's wings that she did not give herself much time to think about the fact that she and Azriel were mates.
Mates. She couldn't help but feel dread at that fact. Deep down, she should have known. She read him so well, too well. While Cassian often lamented that he did not know what Azriel was thinking or feeling at any given moment, Thea never had that problem. She had thought Cassian was just not observant enough. But it wasn't Cassian. It was her. Something far more primal mixed with her observational skills and led to her to understand Azriel when others did not.
Her mate.
But he loved Mor. He loved Mor so deeply and for nearly his entire life. He must have been waiting for the mating bond to snap into place with Mor all these centuries. He would be so...disappointed. Thea's stomach churned.
Thea knew he felt something for her. Lust. Curiosity. Some kind of loose interest. Like he thought perhaps someday she could be one of his partners in his play room.
But she knew with absolute certainty he did not love her. And it was likely he never could. Not really. He already loved someone. And Thea was not foolish enough to think Azriel would want to redirect his attention, even if he noticed the mating bond.
Did he even know? Did he suspect? She had never heard of a case where the female felt the mating bond first. But she was also not an expert in the bond. When he woke up, she would see if he suspected. And if he did not, she would not tell him. Not yet. Perhaps never.
She needed to figure out what she wanted. Well, she knew what she wanted. She wanted him as her mate - mind, body, and soul. She wanted his love - forever. But knowing that was not going to happen, she needed to figure out what she was willing to settle for.
Settle. How would she balance her unyielding desire for him with protecting her heart from the heartbreak she was positive would come?
Azriel recovered and awoke after three days. She could have sped his recovery if she had the energy, but all her attention was on Cassian. Azriel stirred from the bed, impatient to rise.
"Easy," Thea said, helping him sit up. She gave him a glass of water.
"How do you feel?" she asked as she watched him gulp down the water. She refilled the glass.
Azriel flexed his back and shoulders. "Like I was speared," he said dryly.
Thea chuckled.
Azriel cocked his head to the side at he looked at her and for a moment she thought he might have felt the mating bond too.
"What?" Thea asked, watching him carefully.
"You look tired," he said.
Thea rolled her eyes. He definitely didn't feel it. Or if he did, he was being an asshole, which would be worse.
Azriel looked over at the other bed in the room where Cassian lay.
"You're saving them," he said, staring at the progress of the reconstructed wings.
Thea nodded as she continued to assess Azriel's recovery. "From bone and just a bit of salvageable flesh," she said. She still had hundreds of layers of membrane and tissue to build over the few layers she had already made, but she was doing it.
"Thank you," Azriel said, his voice thick. "The bastard shielded me from the king's blast, took the full force of it on his wings."
Thea nodded. "I know," she said softly. She checked his wound site, which Madja did an excellent job on. She suspected his aches was due to a lingering bit of Bloodbane.
Azriel shook his head angrily. "He shouldn't have done that."
"Of course he should have," Thea said. "You would have done it if the roles were reversed, right?"
"Absolutely."
"Why shouldn't he?" Thea asked. "Because you think you're not worth it?" She already knew that was the answer. Cassian had said as much in the past.
Azriel didn't respond.
"Cassian thinks you're worth it. Don't taint his choice with your own angst. Someone can love you and you not love yourself at the same time. Don't confuse the two," Thea said.
Azriel held her gaze and nodded curtly but said nothing further on the topic.
"You can resume normal activities tomorrow," she said.
Just then, Rhysand came to visit. He recapped what had happened while Azriel was recovering. The pair strategized what Azriel should work on starting the next day.
"There is a bit of news we learned about Thea. But I don't know the details myself yet," Rhysand said, looking expectantly at Thea.
"Oh, is now "later"?" Thea asked, looking up from building out yet another layer of Cassian's wing.
"What is it?" Azriel asked.
"Az!" Mor said happily as she came into the room. She sat on his bed and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Azriel hugged her against him, and Thea looked away, focusing on her task. Rhysand glanced at Thea, but he said nothing.
"Thea, it's looking really good," Mor said encouragingly as she watched the healer work.
Thea smiled at Mor. "Thank you," she said.
"So Mor, I was just saying that we had learned a bit about Thea in the last few days," Rhysand said.
Mor's eyes widened. "Oh, that's right!"
"What the fuck is going on?" Azriel asked impatiently. Clearly the Spymaster did not like being out of the loop.
"I'm of Dawn Court," Thea said.
Azriel's eyes widened, and he looked quickly at Rhysand to judge his reaction.
"You already knew," Rhysand said, appraising Azriel. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Azriel shrugged. "Wasn't my secret to tell, and you never asked me," he said.
Azriel looked at Thea who was shocked. Azriel had known? For how long? She shouldn't have been surprised, she supposed. He was a Spymaster and likely knew many secrets.
"Well, for those of us not named Azriel, would you mind telling your story, Thea?" Rhysand said, an annoyed edge to his tone. It was clear he was going to have words with Azriel later, but Azriel's expression was calm.
Thea cleared her throat awkwardly. "Thesan and I share a father. I don't know who my mother was. A servant at the Court originally from Xian. She left me at the orphanage days after I was born. I didn't know about my lineage until I was older. I didn't dare tell anyone. There were rumors the High Lord, Thesan's father, had killed prior illegitimate children who could pose a threat to his heir. I didn't want to threaten Thesan. I don't even know him. I got a job at the Healer's Hall and worked my way up to being a skilled healer. My stamina advantage had been evident, so I attempted to hide it. I didn't want anyone to ask questions. But if we ever had an emergency and people's lives were on the line...I just did the work. I...I got into a disagreement with another healer. He and I had been...involved. I thought he loved me. He accused me of being a witch. He submitted a formal accusation."
Azriel's eyes were sharp. He hadn't known that part. "What's his name?" he asked, his voice taking on that icy tone. Thea sensed he would have no qualms about enacting retribution, but did not know his motivation.
"Let her finish the story, Az," Mor said, rolling her eyes. She was probably used to witnessing Azriel wanting to defend the honor of any number of people.
Azriel did not press the issue, but Thea sensed this would not be the last time they would talk about that part of the story.
"The Head Healer thought there was enough evidence to warrant deeper examination. She had never really liked me, but she accepted me since I was a good Healer. The next step was that the Head Healer would take the inquiry to Thesan who would review. I didn't want to go before Thesan. He had just become High Lord. I was terrified he would figure out my identity. That given my strength as a Healer and where it came from, he would see me as a threat to his very new and vulnerable position. And I would be thrown in prison or executed. So I ran. Took a while, but I got all the way to Night Court. I asked around about a Healer, and tracked Madja down. Begged for her to take me in. And she did. She didn't know my lineage, just that I was running away from Dawn Court," Thea explained.
Mor got off Azriel's bed and crossed the distance to hug Thea. The gesture caught Thea off-guard, but she hugged the female back.
"I'm so sorry this happened to you. But I'm forever grateful you're here," Mor said.
Thea tightened her arms around Mor. "Thank you," she said. They both loved Cassian and Azriel in their own messy ways.
Rhysand thought over Thea's story.
"I'm sorry, Rhys. I never wanted to create a diplomatic nightmare for you," Thea said.
Rhysand chuckled darkly. "Considering my mate is in Spring Court hopefully wrecking havoc, I would say this situation doesn't rise to the top of diplomatic challenges."
Thea snickered.
"But I agree we don't need to tell Thesan. It doesn't help anyone. We're going to need him soon, and I don't want anything to fuck that up. So, we keep this quiet...for now," Rhysand said.
Thea looked at Azriel deep in thought.
"How did you get discovered now?" Azriel asked.
"Madja said Rhysand needed us at the townhouse. I knew what you all had planned to do, and if we were being called to the townhouse, then it was bad. So I winnowed us here to save time," Thea said. Winnowing was a power reserved for the most powerful High Fae, and disproportionately High Lords and people related to them.
"The Bloodbane was spreading in your system so fast. Those minutes saved your life," Rhysand said to Azriel.
"She also gave you her blood for the Bloodbane," Mor added. Dawn Court blood was blessed with special healing properties against Bloodbane.
Azriel looked at Thea. "Thank you," he said.
Thea shrugged. "I told you I'd patch you up," she said flippantly, as though she did not sacrifice her most precious secret for him.
Azriel smiled, a genuine smile. Mor and Rhysand were visibly surprised at his reaction, it being such a rare occurrence. Thea memorized that smile, unsure if she would get to see it again.
"They are just so...shiny," Cassian said at the training grounds as he extended his wings tentatively in the afternoon sun. It was just over two weeks after his catastrophic injury. Rhysand had told him about Feyre's decision to go back to Spring Court, which angered Cassian. He was motivated to get back to flying as quickly as possible, likely to keep tabs on her, although Thea suspected Azriel was already doing so.
"They aren't done yet," Thea said as she carefully examined his wings and Azriel's for comparison.
For two weeks Thea had worked tirelessly on rebuilding Cassian's wings. And now it was time for the refinements - the ridges, bumps, variations in thickness and texture that gave Cassian's wings the uniqueness he needed in order to fly in an expert fashion.
"I know. It's not a complaint. I've already told you I'm grateful like a dozen times," Cassian said charmingly.
Thea smiled affectionately at her friend. "That's true," she said, pleased.
Azriel looked at the pair and shuffled his feet uneasily. "That area needs to be thicker," he said, directing them to business. He pointed to an area of membrane on Cassian's right wing.
"I'm aware," Thea said, directing her attention to her mate.
Her mate. The desire for Azriel was a bottomless pit she continually swam through these last two weeks. She has no defenses. No coping mechanisms. Everything just felt raw. No amount of compartmentalizing worked. All she wanted to do was be close to him. Touch him. Listen to him speak. Take care of him. Protect him at all costs. And kill the bastard who had hurt him - Jurian. If she ever had the chance, she would take it.
Thea placed a hand on each side of Cassian's right wing and thickened the membrane in the location Azriel advised.
Azriel stood behind Thea, but as he bent his body towards Cassian's wing to examine it, his cheek neared Thea's. She inhaled, feeling his presence and his crisp scent surround her. Overwhelm her. Prior to the mating the bond, this would have been a challenge. Now with the bond, it was impossible.
Thea stepped away to allow Azriel to look at Cassian's wing more carefully and to give herself a moment to gather her wits.
"No, not quite. There's more variation in thickness. Ripples. Right now the whole area is thicker," Azriel analyzed.
Thea inhaled deeply than exhaled. She was fine with the feedback. She was not fine with what she needed to do in order to do a better job. "Can I...Can I touch your wing for comparison?" Thea asked.
Azriel's hazel eyes shot to Thea. He was calculating the cost, but finally conceded. "Sure."
Thea swallowed hard as she used her fingertips to touch both sides of Azriel's wing in that area. She could feel every ripple, the richness in the variation in thickness, how each detail could help aerodynamically as he flew.
Azriel's jaw tightened as he pressed his lips together. She knew this was uncomfortable for him. She didn't make eye contact as she went to Cassian and adapted what she had felt from Azriel's wing to his.
"How's that?" Thea asked, carefully examining her work in the sunlight.
Azriel looked it over. "Good," he said tightly.
Cassian looked at the spot as well, pleased. "Great. Now only nineteen more places to refine," he joked.
Thea laughed, but Azriel frowned. "I'll get us some chairs," he muttered. He returned with two stools for himself and Cassian as well as blankets they could place over their laps to hide any awkward reactions. The two Illyrians faced each other and settled in for a long session refining the wings.
Thea attempted to make the next refinement to Cassian's wings by just making visual comparisons to Azriel's.
"No, still too thin," Azriel said. He was a perfectionist when it came to his brother's wings.
"Can I..."
"Yes, it's fine. Touch them however you need," Azriel snapped moodily.
Thea frowned. She knew his reaction was not a personal attack on her, but he was so deeply uncomfortable with this whole situation. She touched his wing and understood what he meant by the area being too thin. "I'm sorry about this," she said quietly to Azriel. It pained her to be the cause of his discomfort.
"It's fine," he repeated through clenched jaw, deliberately not making eye contact. He was probably so annoyed with her.
She, on the other hand, was getting more turned on being in such proximity to Azriel and touching him so intimately. It was so deeply unprofessional. She attempted to bury the mating bond within herself, but it continually surfaced, strumming her heart. She inhaled, trying to calm down.
Over the course of two hours, she made refinements to Cassian's wings as informed by touching and adapting Azriel's. Every time she touched Azriel's wings, he refused to look at her. She tried to keep each touch as swift as possible, but even through the blanket she could tell he had a large erection. She felt so wrong for looking. This whole situation was painfully awkward.
"Okay, Cass, why don't you try to fly?" Thea finally suggested, creating significant distance between herself and Azriel.
Cassian jumped off the stool. He stretched his wings and made a running start into the air. It took a lot of effort, but he was airborne. Relief washed through Thea at seeing Cassian fly. He banked left, then right, and did a few spins and dives in the air. Thea cheered and clapped. He would be fine. He was fine.
When Cassian landed, he was all smiles. "You are the greatest Healer in the world!" he said, picking Thea up and spinning her around with appreciation.
Thea laughed at his joy. "It was okay? Anything to refine?"
Cassian set Thea back down onto the training grounds. "It was great. I should try these out for a while, and I'll let you know," Cassian said, still holding Thea.
Azriel growled. "Great. We're done," he said, pulling Thea by the elbow away from Cassian.
"Huh?" Thea said, confused.
Azriel quickly made a shadow winnow and pulled her through it. They arrived in her room in the Healer's Hall. What was happening?
"Azriel..."
Azriel did not let her speak. Instead, his body pinned Thea to the wall and his mouth plundering hers. Thea was shocked by the kiss for a moment, but melted into it. This was happening. Finally. After all these decades, they were back to where they had been. Azriel's tongue dueled with hers, and it was a battle she was happy to lose if it meant he would never stop kissing her. All she wanted was to be possessed by him, and to possess him. The need was all-consuming.
Azriel grunted as he wrapped his arms around Thea, holding her up against her bedroom wall as she succumbed to his thorough kisses.
"You touch my wings like that for over two hours. Do you have any idea what that does to me?" he growled as his lips moved from her mouth to lick and nip her neck.
"I tried...I tried to be clinical about it," Thea said, dazed. Her core ached more and more deeply with ever swipe of his tongue and teeth.
"You failed."
She could feel herself become even more wet at those words. She was losing all sense of time, of reason. The bond tugged on her. The bond. He still did not know. "We have to talk."
Azriel did not seem to hear her. "For so long I've thought about what it would be like to fuck you. I imagine you like it rough. Question is, how rough?" he said, his tone serious and full of promise.
She moaned. Oh fuck.
"Az...Az..."
Azriel suckled at her neck. He chuckled darkly. "It's only taken you a century and a half to call me Az. I've had to listen to you say Cass and Rhys for over a hundred years," he grumbled, the jealousy clear.
It was true, she never used his nickname. It was too intimate. Too familiar.
He pulled the drawstring lose on her pants, and his hand slipped inside. His scarred, rough fingers stroked the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs, and all thoughts fled her mind. She moaned as she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. He stroked her folds and her legs weakened. It felt so good. So right.
"Already drenched. Good girl," he whispered roughly.
Thea whimpered. His words only made her wetter. She wanted to be his good girl. She clawed desperately at him while her pelvis ground down on his beautiful perfect hand teasing her to get even more friction.
"Az..." she gasped. Words escaped her. She was a bundle of sensation. Of need.
Azriel continued to stroke her as he watched her reaction. His eyes were dark and focused on her face as his fingers entered her core.
"Fuck, Thea, you feel so good. So fucking warm," Azriel said, his tone a mixture of darkness and wonder.
She cried out at the pleasure. It was all too much and not enough at the same time. She undulated her hips as she tried to get even more pleasure from his hand in her, on her.
"Greedy, take what you need," Azriel urged as his fingers penetrated her faster, harder, deeper.
Her hips moved wildly to meet every thrust of his fingers as the heel of Azriel's hand pressed roughly into her clit. It did not take long for her to come. Perhaps it was the bond. Perhaps it was her pining for so long. But the orgasm came quickly and fiercely, weakening Thea's legs to jelly. She gasped and screamed her release as she clung to him.
"Az!" she cried as the waves of pleasure cascaded all around her. She lost all sense of time and space, and all she felt was Azriel's body and shadows holding her up, almost as though she was floating.
"Gorgeous, even more gorgeous than I imagined," Azriel said, his tone laced with a bit of awe.
That Azriel had imagined Thea in the throws of passion was such a turn on. She wanted more. She wanted him inside her, fucking her hard and fast.
But they needed to talk.
"I need...I need to tell you something," she said, breathless, as she came down from her orgasm.
His shadows wrapped around her wrists and legs, pinning her to the wall. She could not move. Desire flooded her again. All her fantasizing. All her wishing. It was finally here. Finally real.
And it was all wrong because he didn't know they were mates. He needed to know before they did anything else.
"Stop!" she said reluctantly. It killed her to say it.
Azriel's face changed to one of horror. The shadows released her as he stepped back, creating distance. She could feel him change before her. He became ice - cold, empty, impenetrable. Gone was the wild and passionate male who had been so warm - hot even - under her palms.
"I apologize. You've changed your mind," Azriel said, as though he should have expected this reaction.
"What?" she said, confused and still weak from her orgasm. She leaned against the wall. She just needed to catch her breath, and then she could talk.
"I'm sorry," he said without looking at her. And with that, he disappeared into another shadow winnow.
Thea screamed.
He fucking left! He didn't even give her a chance to explain. To speak! She had just experienced what was perhaps the best orgasm of her life, and she just needed to catch her fucking breath and tell him some critical information before they did anything else. And he fucking leaves?! After nearly half a century of waiting and hoping he would touch her again. Fuck! Sanity in shreds, she lost all sense of reason. Her mind was in free fall as her compartmentalizations were...nonexistent. Part of her wanted to fuck Azriel's brains out. And the other part wanted to beat the shit out of him for leaving her without letting her even speak. And all of her was incredibly pissed off.
She needed to talk to Azriel. No, she needed to punch his beautiful perfect face for leaving her without letting her say anything.
Rhysand! She reached out to the High Lord for help.
A few moments later, Rhysand appeared. He wore a curious expression as he examined the Healer. "Thea, usually you're so calm, that was a loud shout."
Thea lowered her mental walls and showed the High Lord what happened. The bond. The kissing. Azriel's leaving.
Rhysand's eyes widened, surprised. "Oh shit."
"Where is he?" Thea barked. In hindsight, it was not wise to speak to the High Lord in such a manner. But Thea's mind was not her own.
Rhysand held up his hands in a defensive posture. "I'll take you to him, but be gentle, you are positively feral," he warned.
They winnowed to the House of Wind's training ground where Azriel was beating the shit out of the training dummy. Cassian watched from the side, a bewildered expression on his face.
Thea charged up to Azriel. "You bastard!" she screamed, pushing Azriel away from the dummy.
"That's not a good idea when he's in this state," Cassian warned, concerned.
"Stay the fuck out of this, Cassian!" Thea snarled.
Cassian's eyes widened with surprise as he had never heard her speak so harshly.
Azriel looked resign, but did not touch Thea. She pushed him again.
"You left me, you just left!" she screamed.
No emotion. No response. Ice. His eyes were distant as he looked to the ground. It was like his mind was somewhere else as his body endured this confrontation. A coping mechanism. After centuries of hardship, Thea should have known he knew how to endure anything, block everything out.
That cooled her fury. She did not want him to block her out. She inhaled and exhaled a few times, calming down - marginally.
"Look at me," Thea commanded.
Azriel did, reluctantly. But his gaze was still distant.
"You didn't let me explain. I told you to stop, but not because I didn't want you. I told you to stop because we needed to talk," she said, her voice firm, the frustration simmering under the surface.
His eyes widened with understanding and surprise. "I didn't...force you..."
"Of course not," she said dismissively at the absurd notion. She had wanted everything they had done. She wanted more.
Azriel sighed in relief. "Then what was wrong?" he asked, curious.
Thea struggled to find the words. Rhysand and Cassian were now no where to be seen, offering them a semblance of privacy.
"I didn't want to tell you at first. I'm still reluctant to. But things were moving so fast just now. And if you found out later..." she shivered. If the roles were reversed, she would want to know about the mating bond before they went any further. It was only right.
Azriel looked at her quizzically. "What are you talking about?"
"Do you feel it? At all?" Thea asked quietly. Perhaps it was too much to hope that he felt even a sliver of what she did.
"Feel what?"
She was going to fuck this up again. Once he knew, he was going to leave. That was their pattern.
"Feel what?" Azriel pressed, stepping closer to her.
She surfaced the threads of the bond within herself, envision them extending to Azriel, wrapped her mind around it, and tugged - hard.
Azriel's body lurched forward. His eyes widened. Realization. "You?" he said softly. He was surprised.
Thea didn't say anything for a long moment. Neither of them did. But finally the silence was too much for her.
"I know I'm not the one you want. I know that must be disappointing. But I didn't want us to fuck without both of us knowing. I'm not interested in...trapping you into something you don't want," she said quickly.
Azriel looked at her thoughtfully. He stepped closer to her. "Who's to say I don't want this?"
Thea rolled her eyes. "You're in love with Mor. You have been for 500 years. Mating bond or not, that doesn't just go away. Nor should it," Thea said bluntly.
Azriel nearly flinched at the forthrightness of her words. They had never talked about Mor. But now everything was on the table. They stood there on the training grounds for minutes in silence.
Finally Azriel spoke. "I didn't know. The males are supposed to know first."
Thea smirked. "Like I said, you've been a little emotionally preoccupied," she replied dryly.
Azriel chuckled lightly. "But I've always felt connected to you. Since we first met. You've always been...important."
"Same."
"When did you know?"
"When you came back from Hybern. Before I knew what was wrong, I felt a pang in my chest. And when I saw you with that arrow through yours, I knew. I would do anything to save you. And I would destroy anything that hurt you," she said passionately.
Azriel's lips curved into a small, almost bashful smile. "I need to think about things. Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. I'm sorry I left without talking."
"It's okay."
Azriel closed the distance between them. He brushed his fingertips from Thea's forehead down her temple and around her jaw. It was a delicate and soft gesture. "I'm not disappointed," he said.
Thea scoffed, disbelieving, but Azriel placed his fingers under her chin to tilt her head up to meet his gaze. He was focused, inquisitive, and serious. There was no more ice.
"I'm not disappointed. I'm honored. We'll speak soon?" Azriel said, his question more of a statement.
Thea nodded.
Author's Note: Alright folks, it's getting serious between the two heroes. Appreciate you reading my work and thanks for the kudos and feedback. I decided to post this early and made this a long chapter since I live in the U.S., and we have a long weekend ahead of us, so this will be the only chapter posted for this weekend. Also note that I think the whole story will be 10 long chapters like this. I originally mapped out 9 but I think 10 is where it'll land at the end. Thank you for reading!
Chapter 4
Summary:
Spicy (and emotional and psychologically challenging) scene ahead, you have been warned
Chapter Text
Azriel entered what remained of the Healer's Hall from the entrance. The throngs of people shuffling about parted as he strode to Thea who, along with an apprentice, was tending to an Urisk.
"Hi," he said.
Every eye in the Hall was trained in him. They were all grateful to the Shadowsinger for protecting the city. And most were also deeply terrified of him.
"Hi," Thea said, not taking her eyes off her patient.
"When are you available?" he asked quietly. It had been a couple weeks since their conversation at the training grounds, and they had intentionally not spoken since.
"After I'm done here," she said, finally looking at him and offering a small smile.
He nodded and watched her attentively.
"Lilian, what do you see?" Thea asked the apprentice.
Lilian, a young High Fae female, glanced nervously at Azriel.
"No, not the Shadowsinger. On our patient," Thea said.
Lilian blushed and returned her attention to the Urisk. "Skin lesions on the neck," she said.
"Good. Potential causes?"
Lilian paused for a moment. "Contact with a poison and allergies are the most common reasons," Lilian responded.
"Treatments?"
"Poultice of herbs on the lesions for at least eight hours," Lilian said.
"Great. What are the next steps?"
"Ask the patient relevant questions. Identify potential causes. Then develop the poultice and apply," Lillian rattled off.
"Good. After you have identified potential causes, report to Beatrice to discuss the contents and ratios for the poultice," Thea said.
Lilian nodded. "Yes, Healer," she said.
Thea took off her apron, and briefed Beatrice for a quick moment. Beatrice eyed Azriel, intimidation and intrigue evident.
"I'm done with my shift. Shall we?" Thea asked Azriel, leading him towards the residential area of the Healer's Hall where her room was located.
Azriel nodded and followed.
"So no patio entrance today I see," Thea lightly teased.
The time apart had been a good thing for the two of them. It allowed Thea to settle into the mating bond. She felt more like herself now and less like a bundle of arousal and desire. Marginally.
"Well, I wasn't an emotional wreck and the world isn't ending to my knowledge, so I figured I'd come in the normal way," he said, the self deprecation clear.
Thea chuckled at the dry, slightly dark humor she enjoyed so thoroughly.
Once they were in her room, Azriel straddled a chair at her small table to give his wings some room.
"You were good in there. Teaching," Azriel praised.
"Thanks, I should hope so. I've been teaching apprentices for over a hundred years," Thea said dryly, matching Azriel's earlier humor.
Azriel smirked. "Fair."
"So, how are you?"
"We got Feyre back," Azriel said, his eyes shining with excitement.
Thea's clapped. "Amazing! How?"
Azriel regaled her with the fight on the ice. No, he and Cassian were not injured. Yes, Feyre revealed she's High Lady. "She brought someone with her - Lucien."
"Who is that?" Thea asked.
"Lucien was sort of the spy for the Spring Court. And he is mated to Feyre's sister," Azriel explained.
"Nesta?"
"No, Elaine."
"Oh, thank goodness," Thea sighed with relief.
Azriel raised an eyebrow. "You see it too?"
"Of course. Cassian is enamored with Nesta," Thea said. She had only seen it towards the end of her extended stay at the House of Wind once Cassian was able to be moved there from the townhouse. He and Nesta verbally sparred in a way she had never seen before.
Azriel gave a curt nod.
"We also learned that Tamlin had locked Feyre in the house when they had been together," Azriel said, his tone grim, cold, and deadly.
"Oh shit," Thea whispered.
"And Rhys...he talked about how he felt her terror through the mating bond," Azriel said carefully.
Thea had a feeling she knew where this conversation was going. "Ah," she said, noncommittally.
"What do you feel through it?" Azriel asked quietly.
"You were excited earlier today. I assume that's when the fight happened," she said.
"That's it?"
"Before, when you woke up from your injuries and were angry about Cassian shielding you, I knew exactly what you felt," Thea said.
Azriel nodded. "That you did. So it's only when I feel something sharply?"
Thea paused before answering. "No."
Azriel was silent for a long moment, his face seemingly blank. But there was a storm behind his eyes, and his posture was stiff.
"We don't have to talk about this if you're not comfortable," Thea said.
Azriel shook his head. "No, I'm asking. What do you feel?"
Thea inhaled and exhaled deeply. "Your darkness. Your self-loathing. Your pain. Your loyalty, your love, your kindness. Your desire to always be better. Az, I feel...everything."
Another long silence. If Thea was not used to holding silences after years of waiting for patients to answer questions honestly, she may have felt a need to fill it with more talking. But her experience kicked in, and she waited for him.
"No one knows all of it. Not even Mor, Cassian, Rhys. Aren't your frightened by it?" Azriel asked, almost accusingly.
Thea shook her head. "No, I'm not frightened."
"It will consume you," Azriel warned darkly. Like it consumed him, was what was unsaid.
Thea looked at him unflinchingly. "It's multifaceted. Prismatic, if you will. I'll feel the darkness and then it'll turn into how much you love Mor and then turn into how sad you are about her and then turn into how annoyed you are with Cassian. Sort of like a river of emotions. And so, no, I don't think it's overwhelming. I can handle it."
Azriel looked at Thea uneasily. "You can feel what I feel for Mor?"
Thea sighed. "Yes, it's very complicated." And admittedly, not something Thea particularly enjoyed feeling. The jealousy she had felt towards Mor had scabbed over to a numbness during the last century. But that was before the bond. Now she could sense the depth and intensity of his feelings for Mor, and it felt so raw again.
Azriel chuckled darkly as he stood up from the chair and walked closer to Thea. "Can you tell what I feel for you?" he asked softly.
Thea swallowed hard. He was so close now. "Yes. You feel happy about me. You admire me. You desire me." Thea blushed as she said these statements she knew were true. They felt like a salve over that rawness she had felt earlier.
"I told you I wasn't disappointed," Azriel said, an arrogant lilt in his voice.
She nodded, looking away. "I believe you."
There was a long silence where she looked anywhere but at him as she struggled to sift through his feelings through the bond as well as her own.
He tugged on the bond, the pull drawing her eyes to his.
"I don't feel your emotions very strongly yet. I have a general sense, but it doesn't feel like the river you described. Maybe a small delicate stream?" Azriel said.
Thea chuckled, unsurprised given the bond had not snapped for him.
"I want to explore what's between us. Do you?" Azriel asked softly.
She hesitated. "Az, we've known each other for so long. And we already had...a false start forty-five years ago. I don't want that again. I went feral just from one orgasm, can you imagine what will happen if we fucked?"
Azriel smirked, his face turning wolfish. "I can. I'm pretty excited about the prospect," he said, brushing her hair away from her face.
Goosebumps sprang up on her arms from that small contact. She already wanted more. She was in so much trouble with this male, her mate.
"Me too," she confessed.
"But?" he asked, watching her expression become more uncertain.
"But I want all of you, Az. That includes your heart," Thea said.
Azriel sighed. "All of me is..." he shook his head a bit in disgust at the thought of himself.
"I can already feel you. I know what I'm getting myself into. You won't scare me away," Thea assured.
Especially when he was nearby, Thea could feel the deep loneliness, the self-loathing, the desire to disappear or freeze over and become unfeeling. But she also knew he wrapped himself in that icy exterior to protect himself. He was a sensitive soul. He felt things deeply. He loved deeply.
Azriel searched Thea's eyes for any hesitation but found none. "About Mor, she's important to me," he started.
Thea nodded. "I never want her level of importance to diminish in your heart. But I don't think I'll survive if you're completely in love with her and fucking me. I have to protect myself from that level of heartbreak," she said.
Azriel thought about what Thea said and nodded. "That makes complete sense," he said.
Thea smiled sadly. "Maybe we'll never accept the mating bond. That's okay. Or maybe it'll be another one hundred and fifty years."
Azriel looked at her quizzically. "You would wait for me? Why?"
"You're worth it," she said simply. She sent a surge of her feelings across the mating bond. She wanted him to have a sense of how she felt.
His eyes widened as he pulled her close. "How did I get so lucky?"
Thea smiled, knowing his feelings were genuine.
"So, can we still kiss?" he asked.
"Yes, I would like that. But no orgasms," she warned.
Azriel pouted, actually pouted. "But you looked so beautiful the last time," he whined.
She realized he was a bit whiny when he was aroused and not getting his way.
"Remember the whole feral thing?"
"It's because I left. I'm sorry about that. But I'll stay this time, every time. And if you want, I can take you to my place and restrain you so you're not a menace," he suggested, his voice turning impossibly seductive.
Thea's arousal overwhelmed her capacity to think. "Not today. I need to think about what boundaries I want to set around you," she said.
"Okay," Azriel said before sweeping her mouth into a kiss.
Thea and Azriel strolled down the streets of Velaris on a starlit night. It was their first actual date, and Azriel had picked Thea up at the Healer's Hall to get dessert after the first family dinner with Nesta present.
"Any progress with the human courts?" Thea asked, after Azriel recapped the awkward dinner.
Azriel frowned.
"Ah, say no more," Thea said understandingly.
Azriel looked at her appreciatively. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "But here's something interesting...Feyre wants to learn how to fly," he said.
"Really?" Thea asked as she tucked her arm behind Azriel's back below his wings.
"She can shapeshift," he whispered into Thea's ear.
"That's incredible."
"I'm going to teach her. I learned later in life, so I think I'll be best at it," Azriel assessed.
"Instructor Azriel. That sounds so cute," Thea teased.
Azriel looked at her quizzically. "Cute? I don't think that word has ever been used to describe me."
She looked at the handsome male, his hazel eyes glinting with seduction. During this date, they had agreed to talk about boundaries. While Thea was enjoying the current conversation, she knew Azriel was eager to discuss more...delicate topics.
"No, I suppose not," she said, her voice husky. "Shall we get some cake? Sop up that wine you drank at dinner?"
Azriel smirked. "Yes, good idea."
"Azriel! Thea!" Feyre called out. The High Lady waved them over to the bridge crossing the river.
Thea waved back and the two went to greet Feyre and Rhysand.
"Hello, High Lady. It's lovely to see you, welcome back," Thea said kindly. She had not seen the High Lady since her return to the Night Court.
Feyre's eyes were sparkling. "So much happened in the month I was gone! When I heard about your mating bond, I was so excited. Azriel's the best of them," Feyre said, baiting her mate.
Rhysand scoffed as Azriel looked embarrassed.
"I wholeheartedly agree," Thea said, giving Azriel's waist a small squeeze of assurance.
"I'm standing right here," Rhysand grumbled.
Feyre and Thea chuckled.
"We were going to get some cake. Join us?" Thea asked.
She felt a quiver of annoyance through the bond. Azriel did not want them to join.
"Oh, thank you, but we're going to head home," Feyre said, her eyes glistening with anticipation.
"Ah, of course," Thea said knowingly.
"But I would love to spend time with you. Learn more about you. Maybe you can come to the next family dinner?"
Thea wanted to accept but hesitated. She glanced at Azriel who looked uneasy. She realized he hadn't told Mor yet.
"Once Mor knows, absolutely."
Feyre's eyes flickered with understanding. "Of course. Well, I look forward to it!" Feyre gave Thea a big hug before walking off with her mate back to the townhouse.
Thea and Azriel turned around and walked in silence to the late night cafe. It had thankfully been spared in Hybern's attack. "Does Cassian know? Ameren?"
"I think Cassian suspects something after our fight at the training ground," Azriel said. "It's not like I don't want to tell them. But there's been a lot happening. We're likely weeks away from war. We're trying to assemble all of the High Lords. I'm trying to manage the network..."
"Az, don't worry about it. I understand. It's not like I've told Madja or Beatrice," Thea said.
Azriel nodded, embarrassed he had been rambling.
"So, here's the important question. Chocolate cake? Or Strawberry cream? I've narrowed the options. You pick," Thea said.
"Chocolate."
"Oh, no hesitation, I like that," Thea flirted. She placed their order at the counter.
Azriel led them to a secluded table in the back to wait for the arrival of their dessert.
"So...have you thought about our last conversation? About...boundaries?" he asked.
Thea nodded. "I've thought of little else," she admitted.
Azriel smirked. "It's been dominating my thoughts too," he said.
A waitress came to their table to deliver the large slice of cake. She gave a wink to Azriel, which made Thea growl. The waitress' eyes widened, and she hurried away.
Azriel chuckled. "And people think I'm terrifying," he joked.
Thea continued to glare daggers at the waitress, her body warm with quiet rage. How dare some stranger flirt with Azriel right in front of her. It was clear they were on a date. They ordered one cake with two forks for fuck's sake. It was so shameless...
"Hey, come back," Azriel said, his voice stern.
Thea's eyes snapped back to Azriel. She inhaled. "Sorry," she said.
Azriel shrugged, a bit bashful. "It's flattering, I admit. Your possessiveness."
Thea catalogued that for later. Perhaps because he had felt chronically unwanted by Mor, the fact that he knew without a doubt that Thea wanted him was a heady feeling.
"So...boundaries...I've thought of some," Thea said, reverting to their original conversation.
"I'm listening."
"No fucking," Thea said.
If they had sex, it would essentially mean accepting the mating bond. And Thea didn't want to do that unless there was love as well. While Thea did not expect Azriel to stop loving Mor anytime soon, she had decided she needed him to love her too - at least a bit.
"Be more specific," Azriel said softly, his hazel eyes never leaving hers.
Thea gulped. "Your penis doesn't enter anywhere below my waist," she said, getting specific.
Azriel's eyes darted to Thea's mouth. He licked his lips. "Of course," he agreed easily. "What about my mouth? Where can it go?"
"Anywhere," Thea said. She was getting warm with this conversation.
"And my hands?"
"Anywhere."
"And my shadows?"
Thea mulled this over. "Anywhere except orifices," she said.
Azriel smiled wickedly. "Okay, I'm clear."
"What about you? What are your boundaries?"
Azriel thought it over. "With prior people, I didn't get touched that much. They were usually...restrained," he said.
Thea swallowed, the image of her restrained on a bed with Azriel over her naked body flooded her mind, making her wet. "Would you be comfortable being touched?"
"By you? I think so," he said carefully. "But not my wings. And not my hands."
Thea nodded. "Have you ever been the submissive?" she asked.
Azriel arched an eyebrow. "Rarely."
"Do you think you'd like to try it?" She remembered the time they flirted where she talked about him getting on his knees. He seemed to have liked that idea.
Azriel's gaze was cautious and alert. "Eventually, perhaps," he replied.
Thea nodded in understanding. "Okay, I'm clear. Shall we go play?" she asked, her voice husky, the chocolate cake forgotten.
Azriel nodded. He quickly pulled her out of her seat and through the exit of the restaurant. He shadow winnowed them to the inside of a small apartment. They were still in Velaris.
"Is this your place?"
"Yes, when I need a place to get away," Azriel said.
A place that was quiet. And fully his. Thea walked around. They were standing in a cozy living room, and to the right was a small kitchen and dining table in an open air concept. There was a hallway with two bedrooms and a bathroom.
Azriel opened a door on the right side of the hallway, offering her entrance.
It was a large bedroom, dimly lit, with a wide bed, a few contraptions, and a walk-in closet with built in drawers. She looked at him for permission to snoop around, and he nodded. She pulled at the top drawer where she found various blindfolds, gags, collars, and restraints - cuffs, soft rope, chains. The next drawer had whips, flogs, and paddles. The third drawer had dildos to insert into the vagina or anus. She took a more careful scan of the bedroom itself. The four-poster bed looked sturdy with many different ways to restrain someone on it. There were also hooks hanging from the ceiling of the room so someone could be restrained standing up with a partner able to walk all around them. There were hooks on the floor to restrain someone in a kneeling position. And there were hooks against a wall. There was also a pile of differently shaped pillows and cushions.
"Do you have experience with any of this?" Azriel asked, watching her carefully.
"I've dabbled with past lovers. It was enjoyable," Thea said. Nothing she'd seen in this room scared her, but there was a lot of new ideas that raced across her mind as she thought through all the different things that could be done with the set up Azriel had.
Azriel's nose flared as he smelled her arousal. "Pick out what you'd like to use," he said. "I'm happy to answer questions."
Thea's gaze lifted to the ceiling hooks.
Azriel chuckled. "No...not the first time," he said.
Thea pouted, her curiosity only increasing.
"Let's ease into things the first time," Azriel advised.
"I want to be restrained, no gag," Thea said. She wanted to have the ability to speak.
"Hands only? Hands and feet?"
"Whatever you want," Thea said.
Desire, which Azriel had been doing an admirable job containing as she explored his play room, rolled off of him in waves. His shadows gathered around him.
Thea stepped into them as she touched his clothed chest with her hands. "Use the shadows too. Like you did before," she said.
"Blindfold?"
"Sure."
"What about pain?" he asked.
"I've liked rough sex in the past. Spanking. Hair pulling. But I've never been flogged or whipped," she said.
He nodded slowly as he mulled over her experience while his shadows swirled around. He had yet to reach for her. To touch her.
"Do you usually not touch the females with your hands?" she asked delicately. She noticed the plethora of toys available in addition to his shadows, all of which could lead a female to orgasm without him ever actually laying his scarred hands on her.
"Usually not," he admitted.
"You used your hands on me the other day," she said, biting her lip at the memory of how quickly and fiercely she had orgasmed under his ministrations.
"I hadn't been thinking at the time. And technically, all it took was a couple fingers," he said dryly.
Thea laughed and rolled her eyes. Azriel chuckled at her reaction. She stepped closer to him, looking at his hands at his sides. "But in all seriousness, would you touch me with your hands? I'd like that," she said. The fingers on her right hand hovered over the rippled flesh on his left, but as he requested, she didn't touch his hand.
Azriel swallowed hard as he watched their hands. "I have toys that are smoother, softer," he offered.
Thea shook her head. "Nothing will be better than you touching me," she said honestly.
Azriel's breathing became heavier. "I'll use my hands," he whispered.
The promise hung in the air.
"You need a safe word. Say it when you want me to stop. I won't stop otherwise," he said.
His hazel eyes focused almost too attentively on her. It was a bit overwhelming. Thea said the first thing that came to mind. "Apples."
He scoffed. "Never looking at apples the same again," he muttered.
She chuckled.
"Shall we begin?" he asked.
"Yes, please," she said.
He groaned at her demure response, leaning towards her body without even realizing. He quickly righted himself and with a flick of his wrist, his shadows swarmed around Thea and carried her towards the bed. She became weightless for a moment before the shadows placed her down on the bed, wrapping around her wrists and ankles to restrain her against the firm mattress.
"Oh woah," she said, surprised by the magic. Surprised, and excited.
Thea craned her head around the room, but Azriel had disappeared. Fear rose in her stomach. Did he just leave her here?
"Az?" she called out tentatively.
"Yes?" he responded, emerging from the walk in closet carrying a silken blindfold and set of leather cuffs in his hands.
Thea gulped, drinking in the sight of him. She had seen him in various stages of nakedness countless times, but that had always been in a clinical fashion. And when her mind would wander inappropriately as her eyes lingered too long, she would scold herself. It was a pattern - to look at Azriel, to get pissed at herself for ogling him, and then to look away and focus on healing him.
But now, he was just standing there. No shirt. Biceps and pectoral muscles flexing as he played with the blindfold. Swirling tattoos marking his warrior status wrapped around his arms, shoulders, and upper chest. Well-defined abdominal muscles moving as he inhaled and exhaled. Loose linen pants slung so low on his hips that much of his pelvis was on display. A large bulge slightly bouncing under his pants as he walked.
And Thea stared openly, hungrily. Her heart pounded in her chest and her mouth watered as Azriel walked over to the bed. She swallowed hard.
"You okay?" he asked, his eyes tracing slowly up and down her restrained body.
"I thought you left."
His eyes met hers, troubled. "I would never leave you tied up."
"I know. It was irrational," Thea said, embarrassed. "Should I play a role?" she asked, changing topics.
Azriel's eyebrows furrowed at the question, gathering bits of intelligence about Thea. Yes, she had played sexual games before. Yes, she enjoyed rough sex. Yes, she had done roleplaying before.
"No. I want to experience you," Azriel said.
She bit her lips, and Azriel's gaze honed in on her mouth. "Same," she said. Heat swirled between them, ebbing and flowing along the mating bond as Azriel's shadows gathered, darkening the room. This was really happening.
"Ready for the blindfold?" Azriel asked, his voice gravelly.
"No. Let me stare at you for a bit longer," Thea said. Her eyes raked across every visible morsel of his body, and the ache between her legs deepened. She wanted to touch him, everywhere, desperately. Why did she request restraints and a blindfold? A fool's agreement.
Azriel smirked at her clear objectification of him. He returned the hungry look. "Ready now?" he asked, his posture taut.
"Yes."
With that one word the blindfold slipped over her eyes and her world became dark. But also vibrant. She paid more attention to Azriel's breath, the dips and movements on the bed, any rustling sound.
Azriel's fingers toyed with the straps of her dress. "How much do you like this dress?" he asked, his voice low. She could feel he was holding himself back from ripping it off her.
"I like it. The color reminds me of you," Thea said. It was a simple knee length cotton dress with thin straps. But it was blue - specifically cobalt blue.
Azriel stopped breathing for a moment. And then his lips were on hers hungrily. Appreciatively. She responded to his kiss, opening her mouth to allow his tongue inside. They kissed thoroughly for what must have been minutes. Azriel would move to her neck, her jaw, just for a few breaths before kissing her lips again. It was as though he had been starving and her lips were the feast.
"I'll be gentle with the dress," he murmured. He felt proud that she had worn the color even if he hadn't realized the intentionality before.
She sighed with affection as his lips bushed against her ear and down the column of her neck.
He unbuttoned the back of the dress delicately and undid one of the shadow restraints to slide the strap down her arm. She felt the cool and smooth leather cuff wrap around her free wrist. She seized the opening to touch his neck, her hand tracing down his shoulder and pecs. His skin was cool but quickly warmed as she touched him.
Azriel groaned and laced the cuffs behind the bars of the bed. "Naughty," he scolded lightly.
Now her arm was above her head as Azriel slid the other strap of her dress off. With the free hand she continued to touch his shoulder, his bicep, his forearm. He grabbed it firmly and cuffed it as well with a grunt.
She giggled mischievously as she tested the cuffs. They would hold. She was well and truly restrained with her arms above her head.
"I see how this is going," he said dryly, the amusement clear in his voice.
"It's your fault. You're gorgeous. How could I not want to touch you?" she teased as she rattled the cuffs a bit in an effort to reach for him.
Azriel chuckled.
There was a long silence where Thea tried to hear what Azriel was doing, but he was still. "What's going on?" she asked.
"You look good," he said, his voice thick. Suddenly the dress was quickly pulled down her breasts and her hips until she was naked except for her underwear.
"Shit," she said, breathless. She had not expected the dress to go so quickly.
"This is even better," Azriel said, pleased. He gathered her underwear in his hands and dragged them down her hips as well.
Thea's heart pounded. She was naked. She had just been teasing him, but now her voice was caught in her throat. She was so exposed.
"This...this is the best," Azriel assessed. Suddenly he was on top of her, his weight pressing her into the mattress. He kissed her on the lips greedily before dragging his mouth down to a breast. He swirled her areola in his mouth and sucked her nipple - hard.
"Fuck!" she cried out, bucking up against his body.
Azriel fed off her reactions. His mouth went to the other breast and did the same thing as a rough hand teased the first. The sensations overwhelmed Thea. Every place Azriel made contact with her body felt like a frayed raw nerve, and all of it zinged down to the apex of her thighs. She arched her back as she attempted to grind her hips against his quite prominent erection. But Azriel slid off of her, instead going to her side and wrapping an arm under her back. His knees slid under her back as well so much of her torso was off of the bed. His free hand stroked down her chest, her stomach, her pelvis, and landed on her clit. He rubbed gently.
Thea whimpered and bucked again. It was like she was his own personal zither, and he was playing her in an expert fashion.
"You're so beautiful," he said, his tone full of fascination.
She felt shadow tendrils wrap around her ankles and secure her feet firmly to the mattress. And then his mouth was once again on her breast as his fingers stroked her clit, her folds, and teased her entrance.
"Az..." she cried out, flailing against her restraints as he held her against him. Her mind was fracturing. All she could focus on was how badly she wanted his fingers inside of her.
"Use your words," he commanded calmly.
She inhaled, trying to catch her breath. But it was impossible. Between his fingers and lips skillfully playing with her body and the mating bond pulsating his excitement and desire to her, Thea was all feeling. No logic.
"I'm waiting," he teased.
"Fuck me with your fingers," Thea managed to grit out. Her voice was raw and demanding. She did not even recognize it.
"There you are. So beautiful, so wild," Azriel said, pleased.
He inserted two fingers inside her wet entrance, and she screamed. She lost all sense of propriety as she cursed loudly and urged him to pump his fingers faster, harder. Her toes curled and her back arched high as her orgasm approached.
And then he was gone. His fingers were out of her body. Her back no longer rested against his thighs. He had disappeared.
She screamed with frustration. "Az! What the fuck? I need to come!" She writhed around on the bed to try to get some friction between her legs, but the shadow restraints prevented that.
"Oh I know," he said confidently. He sounded like he was off the bed.
"Bastard!" she cried. What the fuck was he doing? Who the fuck did he think he was?
She felt him kneel on the bed, his mouth close to her ear but not touching it. "I control when you get your orgasms. They belong to me," he said. The possessiveness she felt through the bond only made her want him more. But she was also raging mad.
"Arrogant fucking bastard," she snarled.
His hand came down on the side of her hip, hard. He had spanked her. It only made her angrier. And more aroused.
"You have the foulest mouth when you're feral," Azriel observed. "All that clinical professionalism just falls to the wayside. And what's left is pure need."
Azriel rubbed her clit, and her body arched up to meet his fingers. She did not dare speak out of concern he would just continue to tease her.
"You know, the mating bond is handy. I'm learning to feel when you're about to come and can just...stop," Azriel said, removing his fingers from her clit.
She screamed. "I fucking hate you!"
Azriel chuckled, knowing that was simply untrue. "Use the safe word, and I'll stop this. And I'll still bring you to completion after if you like."
As frustrated as she was, she was not ready to stop playing. She wanted to experience more with Azriel. "What's the alternative?"
"Let me into that beautiful mind of yours. Let me earn your submission," Azriel said.
Thea licked her lips. "I want to continue," she said, her body so sensitive.
Azriel stroked down her arm gently. "Okay. What's the name of your former lover, the one who accused you of being a witch?"
Oh, so this was going to be an interrogation now? "No, you're not going to hurt him or kill him," Thea responded.
Azriel grabbed a fistful of hair at the base of Thea's skull and pulled firmly. Thea moaned.
"You protect him? From your mate?" he asked, his tone icy but his lips against her ear were warm.
"Protect is not the right word," Thea said.
"Do you still love him?" Azriel snarled. Thea could feel an undercurrent of fear course through the mating bond. Azriel was worried.
"Of course not. But you will not hurt him or anyone else involved with my leaving. I won't allow it. It was my choice. And I've moved on. I found you after all," she said.
He gasped in surprised. He released his grip on her hair and cradled her head as kissed her passionately.
"I swear I won't hurt him or kill him. I just want to observe. Maybe scare him, just a little," Azriel said, his tone a bit sinister.
Thea chuckled. She mulled it over for a moment. "Damien."
Azriel grunted in approval. "Good girl," he said. He positioned his body above her and swirled his tongue around a nipple and sucked.
"Gods, don't stop," Thea moaned as she arched into his mouth.
But he did stop. Fucking bastard.
"When did you first desire me?" Azriel asked. He was still hovering above her, and she desperately wanted to touch him. She pulled at the restraints.
"Az...you are not being fair," Thea argued, breathless. She was strung so taut.
"You're right. I'm not. When did you first desire me?"
Thea grunted with frustration. "When I first saw you," she said.
"Why?"
"You figured out I worked on Peregryns before I mentioned I was from Dawn Court. I liked that you were observant and smart," Thea shared.
There was a pause, and Azriel's voice turned a bit mischievous. "So it wasn't because I'm better looking than Cassian?"
He was enjoying this too much. "I actually think Cassian is better looking," Thea retorted.
He lifted up her thigh and spanked part of her ass and the side of her hip. The impact was loud and the sensation stinging. Thea moaned and writhed.
"Is that so?" Azriel said, his voice dangerously low.
She nodded. It was the truth. Cassian's more rugged good looks had been what Thea usually found attractive.
"Then why didn't you fuck him? He's offered countless times."
She hesitated. "You know why," she said softly, the conversation suddenly turning serious.
"Say it," Azriel demanded as he massaged where he had spanked her.
"He's not you. Doesn't matter what he looks like. I wasn't going to fuck him when I wanted you," she confessed.
"You still fucked that artist in the Rainbow and the deputy of Trade," Azriel pointed out.
She tilted her head. Those had been her two casual lovers during the forty-five years Azriel and Thea had not been talking. "Keeping tabs on me?"
"Of course. You were doing the same, weren't you?"
"No. I was doing patient intakes. People know I heal you and Cassian. They like to brag about fucking you. I hated hearing about it each time," she gritted out.
"Jealous?"
"Absolutely."
He chuckled, pleased.
"My point still stands. You fucked others, why not Cass?" Azriel pressed.
"Isn't it obvious?" Thea asked.
"Tell me."
Thea sighed. "Mor chose Cassian over you. When I learned that, I knew I would never risk you thinking I did that too," she admitted.
She could feel his deep satisfaction through the bond. Mor was theirs - his and Cassian's. But Thea was his. Only his.
He moved to kneel on the bed and tilted her hips as he buried his face in her folds. He licked, kissed, sucked. "Oh gods, Az..." she moaned as she attempted to writhe against his mouth. He inserted two fingers into her, and she screamed. She was not sure how long he plunged his fingers in and out of her as he kissed, licked, and nipped her most sensitive area. But her orgasm began to mount again.
"So gorgeous, so fucking delicious," he muttered as he gave her folds another long lick.
And then he was gone.
"No, no you fucking bastard! Finish it!" she screamed. She twisted and turned on the bed, pulling at the cuffs. She would break the fucking bed if it meant finding Azriel and shoving his face between her legs to finish his damn job. She knew he wanted to make her orgasm, she could feel it so clearly through the bond. But he also loved this game and seeing how far he could push her.
Azriel laughed, a dark edge to his tone. "Do you touch yourself enough? You're wound so tight," he teased. She could tell he was now to her right.
She snarled.
"When you touch yourself, do you think of me?" he asked. She could hear him wiping his mouth of her wetness.
"What do you think, bastard?" she growled. She was so pissed at him.
He released the shadow restraints on her ankles and flipped her over on the bed such that her ass was now up in the air. He spanked her soundly on her ass.
She gasped with surprise in this change of position as well as the impact of his hand. She could feel her wetness slide down her inner thigh.
"Answer."
"Yes," she said.
"What do you think about? Be specific," he demanded, rubbing where he had spanked her.
"Being here, you fucking me here," she admitted.
"You'd wish you were those other females," Azriel said, his hand on her ass becoming a bit cold.
"Az..." she said, her tone a warning. She did not want to talk about other females right now.
"You would think about why them. Why would I invite them here and not you? You'd think to yourself, what's wrong with me?" he pressed, his voice turning icy.
"Azriel, you're being an ass," she warned. She reached for him through the mating bond, but it was as though there was a wall around him. She could not feel anything from him.
He plunged his cold fingers inside her. "You'd think about what those other females had that you didn't. What did I see in them that I didn't see in you? Why weren't you worthy of coming here?"
He was being cruel now, and her body cooled.
"Azriel, stop. Where did you go?"
He ignored her. "What was wrong with you? What was wrong with this pussy that I didn't want it?" he snarled.
Azriel pulled his fingers out of her and slapped her pussy. She gasped. While the act felt good, she still could not feel him through the bond. She was alone.
"Apples," she said.
Azriel immediately released her from the cuffs, and she removed the blindfold.
"I'm sorry, did I slap you too hard?" Azriel asked, his eyes alert and full of concern.
"No. But where did you go?" she asked.
Azriel didn't try to deny it. "I slip into myself when...when I get cruel," he said.
Thea studied his face as she felt for the mating bond. It was back. He felt awkward and ashamed and aroused.
"If being cruel is what you want and need to be, I support you. I will experience it with you. But it has to be you. I won't expose the most intimate parts of myself to...a wall," she said.
He nodded with understanding. She straddled his lap and faced him, unwavering. He was still hard. And she was still so turned on.
"Try again. Just don't hide this time. Let me feel you through the bond," she said as she threaded her fingers through his hair.
He shook his head. "I don't know how to go that far without retreating inside myself. I said awful things to you."
There was a long pause where Thea gently stroked the sides of his neck.
"I understand that you'd need to retreat inside yourself for work. If you're interrogating someone or if Rhys commands you to torture someone. It's a defense mechanism. A version of compartmentalizing. But this...what we do here should be fun and intense and intimate. I want your cruelty, your darkness. But I don't want to be walled off from you when experiencing it. It felt too lonely. That was the scary part. This is a boundary for me."
He was thoughtful, unpacking what he had learned about her, and himself. "I understand. I'm sorry about what I said. I'm sorry I didn't give you a warning I could get like that. I just slipped into that place. But it's no excuse," he said.
She pressed her lips. "Did you enjoy doing that?"
"Enjoy?"
"Yeah. Like you enjoyed torturing the Attor. Did you like making me upset? Did you like pressing further when I asked you to stop?"
He thought it over. "I didn't really think about it as enjoyment. It's just what I do. I hurt people. Even when they beg me to stop. That's who I am. So I hurt you. It's fucked up. And I'm sorry," he said.
There was too much to unpack in that statement. And Thea was still incredibly aroused.
"New rule - I want you to enjoy our time together. If you aren't actively enjoying yourself, try something else. Practice having fun with me. Be as rough as you want, as cruel as you want, but be here with me and enjoy it. That's what I need to enjoy it too," Thea said.
"Okay."
She smiled wickedly. "Can we resume?" She ground herself against his hardness.
He hissed, gripping her hips to still them. His eyes were sharp, a warning. She tried to grind again.
He flipped her back onto the bed, but did not cuff or blindfold her. Thea moaned and arched her hips as he hovered over her.
"So hungry," he said smugly.
She savored the freedom to touch him. She tried to pull him closer to her.
"Is this what you wanted?" he asked, his clothed erection thrusting against her. The roughness of the fabric against her most sensitive flesh made her gasp with pleasure.
"Is it?" he teased. Another light press of his hardness against her, and then nothing.
"Bastard," she gritted out as she dragged her nails down his pecs.
He gasped. "Takes one to know one," he said dryly.
She chuckled. He had a point. She was one too.
He licked a column from her collarbone up her neck to her jaw. She mewled and tilted her hips, trying to get some friction.
"Az, please, more."
But he held her hips down with a hand. "Tell me a secret for another stroke."
"What kind of secret?"
"Anything."
"I think your voice is so sexy," Thea admitted.
Azriel rocked his hips a few times, and she greedily rose to meet them.
"Oh?" Azriel asked.
"It always starts a little gravelly because you are usually so quiet. And then it smooths out, gets deep. I like how often it sounds like you're holding back a secret or a quip when you speak. That restraint I hear, I want to unleash it."
He groaned, and she could feel through the bond how he delighted in her words. He ground against her, and Thea hooked her legs around his thighs to lock him in place.
"Fuck," he said, surprised.
She writhed against his erection. She knew she was being completely wanton. And she did not care.
"So wild, so fucking good," he said, his voice in fact gravelly with desire. He continued to rock his erection against her as she undulated her hips.
She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Harder," she moaned. She would not last through another round. She was at the end of her rope. Her mind frayed with need.
"Beg."
She moaned as she clung to him, their hips working together to bring her ever closer. "I'm begging you. Please, Az. Please let me come." She felt no shame. He had wanted her submission, and he had it.
"Good girl, come for me," Azriel said, clearly pleased.
Her climax was hard and fast. She shouted with surprise at the force and intensity. Perhaps it was the bond. Or the game. But it rolled over her for what felt like minutes.
She clung to Azriel, and he held her against him. "Perfect, so perfect," he said softly, stroking her hair and pulling it back to kiss her lips tenderly as she came down from the high. She could feel his satisfaction at seeing her orgasm. His pride. But also his arousal.
"You need to come," Thea said, moving to get up off the bed.
"Easy, it's okay," Azriel said, kissing her cheek.
"I haven't even seen your cock yet," she realized.
Azriel chuckled. "Eager?"
"Of course. You have the largest wingspan that I know of," she said.
Azriel smirked. It was a confident expression, which made it so sexy.
"Go brace yourself on the ceiling hooks," she said.
Intrigued, Azriel raised his eyebrows as he sauntered over to the hooks. He grabbed the chain of the restraints dangling down with one hand.
Thea scrambled off the bed and went to the pile of cushions to find the perfect one. She placed it in front of him and kneeled down.
"Fuck," he whispered as he looked at her.
"I haven't even done anything yet," she teased, untying the drawstring of his pants.
"The sight of you...on your knees..." he didn't finish the sentence but swayed a bit, the ceiling hooks in fact bracing him.
"I look forward to the reverse someday," she said with a devilish smirk.
"Cauldron save me," he breathed. Thea could feel his arousal deepen.
"If this was all it took for you to swoon, I would have been on my knees a century ago," she flirted.
Azriel chuckled then groaned as his erection was freed from his pants.
Thea looked at his cock, her eyes wide. She swallowed, hard. "Well, this does not disappoint."
Azriel laughed heartily as he continued to brace against the chain. She could tell through the bond that he was so pleased and proud.
"I'm not going to fit this all in my mouth. My gag reflex is too sensitive. I'll need a couple decades of practice," Thea said, evaluating his impressive length and girth.
Azriel laughed again. "Anything you do is going to be great," he assured her.
Thea licked her lips and kissed the tip of his cock. Azriel was not breathing. She then licked the underside of his cock from base to tip.
"Gods..." he muttered as he watched her, his eyes wide, his shadows encircling them.
"You mean goddess," she corrected.
He was about to chuckle, but she stole it away as she took him in her mouth as far as she could and sucked hard.
"Shit, Thea!" he gasped out.
She set a slow pace as she sucked and kissed him. She could feel his arousal become stronger, understanding what he meant when he said the bond helped him judge when she was closer to her own release but never over the edge. It was a powerful, heady feeling.
She changed to her hand, grabbing him in her fist and moving up and down his shaft while maintaining a tight grip. He moaned and almost lost his balance.
"Do you like being teased, Az?" she asked as she let go of his erection and watched his body bend with frustration. He groaned deeply, a sound she had never heard from him before. His shadows swirled around her, a tendril pulling her hand back towards his cock.
She giggled. "Apparently not," she said, as she fisted around his erection once more, now adding her mouth.
"Thea...Thea..." Azriel chanted, his head flung back as one of his hands anchored at the base of her skull. He didn't push her on or off his cock, but he clutched her hair at the scalp, grounding them together.
She picked up the pace and could feel him losing control. His orgasm was imminent, almost as though she could see it in her mind.
"Fuck!" Azriel cried out, spraying himself in her mouth. She sucked and licked him clean, swallowing his salty seed. She wiped her mouth, pleased with herself.
Azriel pulled her up from her knees and kissed her appreciatively, tasting the last of himself on her tongue. He clutched her and guided them back to the bed where they collapsed.
"Did you enjoy yourself?" Thea asked.
Azriel chuckled. "Fuck, yes. That was fun. You?" he asked.
"You mean besides the psychological warfare?" she teased.
His cheeks colored, a bit embarrassed.
"I even liked parts of that. Like you wanting to scare Damien. That's such a turn on," Thea admitted.
"But the things I said later, about the other females..."
Thea cut him off. "Everything you said were things I have already said to myself," she said darkly.
Azriel grew concerned. "Thea..."
"It doesn't matter, we're here now. That's what matters to me," she said assertively. She pushed down her jealousy towards those other faceless females and tried to focus on Azriel's desire for her now. Nevermind the past.
Azriel nodded. "I'm really glad we're here now."
They kissed for a while. Azriel held her hair by her nape and pulled, exposing her neck. Thea smiled, pleased, as he kissed her exposed flesh. It was a vulnerable position.
"When did you know you liked to be restrained? Likes things rough?" Azriel asked.
Thea thought it over. "I think I always did. At the orphanage, there were some older boys, a trio. Two peregryns and a river nymph..."
Azriel's eyes narrowed, concerned about where this story was going.
"They would play rough with me. Nothing sexual. It was a lot of fighting, restraining, pushing, running. Because they were bigger, I was a bit at their mercy when we fought. It was thrilling to be at that disadvantage. As I got older, I realized I preferred things rougher because it gave me that same thrill. Coupled with, you know, pleasure," Thea explained.
"They never...abused you?" Azriel asked.
She shook her head. "Rough housing, yes. But never abusive. They treated me like a boy, and honestly I liked it. There was safety in that. Freedom."
"Did that last the whole time you were there?"
"Gods no. By the time I was thirteen, things changed. The boys were more interested in girls, sneaking off to have sex. And eventually they aged out of the orphanage."
"So what happened to you?" Azriel asked.
Thea shrugged. "Tried to keep to myself. Take care of the little ones. Avoid the wrath of the caretakers. Some of the High Fae girls were terrible. They knew I had been friends with the trio of boys and either judged me for it or were jealous. They set me up to get in trouble with the caretakers all the time. It was...unpleasant."
She shivered at the memories. To this day, Thea did not do well in small confined spaces as the default punishment had been being locked in a small closet.
"And your friends? Why didn't they check in on you?"
"I think they were normal 18 year old males. They only thought of what they wanted. By the time they left, they didn't have any loyalty to me. I never saw them again," Thea said, the sadness evident in her voice.
Azriel frowned. "I'm sorry."
Thea hadn't thought of her childhood friends for a while. There had been a few years there where she felt included, part of a found family with brothers. It had been so fragile, and it was gone so quickly.
"So anyway, the rougher sex, being restrained, it's just my own way of feeling free. I know it's fucked up..." Thea said.
"It makes perfect sense," Azriel assured her. He kissed her, and she smiled weakly. "Thank you for telling me."
Author's Note: How we feeling folks? We finally see Azriel's play room, which does have endless possibilities. But alas, there's also a war brewing, so inconvenient! Thank you for the kudos and comments on prior chapters, it means so much to me as I do spend a lot of time planning out each chapter and drafting and redrafting. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post another chapter this weekend given other commitments, but hope this spicy one tides you over.
Chapter Text
A week went by without any contact from Azriel. Thea knew he was working on some negotiations with other Courts, but he had kept the nature of the work rightfully vague. Thea had no shortage of work per usual, but something was wrong. Thea could feel through the bond that Azriel was distraught about Mor - ashamed and lonely.
But he did not come to visit Thea.
Thea tried to compartmentalize her disappointment. Azriel was not obligated to share anything with her. What were they to each other at this point anyway?
And yet. After what they had done in his apartment. After talking and joking together until the sun crested over the horizon. After he had dropped her off at her room, kissing her so sweetly and promising to see her soon...
Azriel was an emotional wreck, and he was not confiding in her.
Thea pushed her anger and disappointment down deep and focused on doing more work. Herbs needed crushing. Bandages needed rolling. Never mind there were apprentices for that. She needed to keep busy.
Until one night, when she was organizing the herb surpluses, it became too much. Thea had buried her feelings down too far. And now, under the strain of exhaustion, they bubbled up to the surface.
Thea rushed to her room and burst into tears. Azriel would never love her. He would never trust her. He would never want her the way she wanted him. She thought she could do this. She thought she could share him, at least in the beginning. But she needed him to share himself. And it wasn't fair to expect him to give more of himself than he was ready. It was her problem that she wanted more. She wanted too much. This was doomed. She needed to reject the bond.
She sobbed on the floor of her room for minutes, the flood of emotions overwhelming her.
Azriel shadow winnowed into her room, his eyes sharp as his knife Truth-Teller gleamed in his hand. "What's happened? I felt you," Azriel said, his tone deadly as he surveyed her room for any possible threat.
Shit. The bond did go both ways after all.
"I'm fine," she said, wiping her tears quickly. In the entire time they had known each other, Thea had only cried in front of him after Hybern attacked Velaris. This, by comparison, was juvenile - a female crying over a male who would never love her. How trite.
He put the knife away and knelt on the floor in front of her. "What happened? Why are you crying?" Azriel asked, placing his hands in her shoulders and examining her body.
"I'm fine," she repeated, shrugging his hands away. She got off the floor and moved to the opposite side of the room. She felt so foolish that her emotions had gotten the better of her. That he had felt it.
Azriel rose from the floor, his gaze piercing. "Why are you crying?" he asked again. He was not letting this go.
Thea did not respond, but Azriel allowed the silence to breathe. She used the time to calm her frayed nerves. Finally, she spoke without looking at him. "You."
Azriel flinched. "Is this about what happened at my apartment?" he asked warily.
"No. Yes. A bit."
"Did I push you too far?" he asked, a clear undercurrent of fear coursing through the bond.
Thea turned to face him. "No, no. I loved it. And I felt close to you after. But you didn't come visit me when you started feeling like shit earlier this week. I...I spiraled after that," she said. She snorted derisively at herself. Foolish. "I'm sorry to worry you."
Surprise and then shame streaked across Azriel's face. "I'm sorry. I can explain," he said.
"You don't owe me any explanation. I know this. But with this mating bond...I feel irrational. And that's not fair to you. I don't want to impose myself on you," Thea said.
Azriel closed the distance between them. "You're not an imposition. You're my mate. Tell me what you need."
Thea shook her head. He was being too kind and understanding. It was always this pattern with him. He accommodated everyone else. Rhysand. Cassian. Mor. And now with this bond, he wanted to accommodate her. He always put what he wanted last.
"Thea, tell me," Azriel said.
"I need you to reject the mating bond," Thea forced out. She grimaced at how the words felt leaving her body, like a thousand small needles scratching at her heart.
Azriel's eyes widened. "What?"
"I feel so guilty being this pathetic burden..."
"Stop," Azriel commanded.
Thea wiped tears from her eyes. "You don't want this. You don't want me. This isn't fair for you. I can't do this to you," she said.
Azriel gripped her shoulders to look squarely into her eyes. "Thea, you're saying everything I'm feeling. I think our emotions are so tied around each other, it's getting confusing who feels what. You're not a burden. You're a haven," Azriel said, slicing though all of her - their - insecurities.
Thea was silent for a long moment. It made sense their emotions would be entwined messily.
"You think you're a burden?" she asked.
Azriel scoffed. "Of course. Who I am, what I do...I know I'm hard to be around. My emotions are literally infecting you. I'm fucked up in the head about sex and intimacy, as you learned last week. And yet...I want you, desperately. I relish that you're my mate," Azriel admitted, the greed evident in his voice.
Thea inhaled, calming her mind. I relish that you're my mate. She loved hearing that. "You're not hard to be around, Az. I've never thought that," she said softly.
A flood of relief - perhaps hers or his or both - coursed through the mating bond. Azriel held her tightly, burying his face in her hair and neck. They stayed like that for a while as they both calmed down. Thea breathed in Azriel's scent and felt her mind relax.
Finally, Azriel spoke. "In the Hewn City, Rhys and I made a tough call, and it deeply hurt Mor. It was the right decision, but we didn't give her warning. And that was wrong. She called us out on it. I planned on telling her about you, but I couldn't for a few days because she wasn't even talking to me. I was just stuck."
Thea rested her head on Azriel's chest, listening to his heartbeat. "You could still have come to see me," Thea said.
Azriel shook his head in disagreement. "When Feyre invited you to dinner, you were excited. But then you remembered Mor didn't know. I didn't want to come to you without having taken that step. I want you to be able to come freely to the House of Wind or the townhouse and not have people wonder why."
"So, she knows now?"
Azriel nodded. "Yes. They all do. Mor says she's happy for us. She wants to talk with you."
"Okay. Thank you for doing that. Next time, though, just visit. You don't need to make progress on a project in order to visit. I just want to spend time with you. Any time you're available," Thea said.
Azriel's cheeks colored as he gave her that shy smile. He pulled her over to the edge of the bed, sitting down and placing her hips on his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and they sat in comfortable silence for minutes.
But then Azriel's eyes turned dark.
"What is it?" Thea asked.
"Another thing happened. Hybern attacked the library under the House of Wind," Azriel said softly.
"What?" Thea said, shocked.
"Feyre, Rhys, and Cassian stopped it. But I didn't sense it beforehand," he admitted, his tone full of self-loathing.
Thea searched his face. "Is the mating bond a distraction?" Was this preventing him from doing his job?
"No, it was a spell. Impossible to detect. But still, I..."
"Blame yourself," she finished.
"Yes."
"You already know what I'm going to say, but I'll say it anyway. You're a damn good spy. You can't catch everything. That's impossible. And this one was beyond your control. It's a terrible feeling. I imagine it's like how I feel when I lose a patient," Thea said.
Azriel sighed. "I think you're right."
Now that her eyes were finally clear of tears, Thea looked at him carefully. He looked truly exhausted. "Would you like to sleep here tonight? Just sleep?"
Azriel looked longingly at the bed and nodded. She got up from his lap and undressed in front of him. She sauntered over to her dresser to put on her night shirt, and he watched her with simmering hunger.
He washed up next to her in the bathroom, the sheer domesticity of this act striking given they only started talking again months ago. Thea pulled him to her bed and laid against the wall knowing he would want more space for his wings.
He laid on his side. She turned off the faelights, and they settled down.
"This bed is small," Azriel grumbled.
"You can leave if you want," she retorted.
He chuckled. He shifted so he was even closer to her, his right wing curving around to cover them. It was far from completely taut, and Thea stared at how the folded membrane looked in the starlight.
"You can touch them if you like," Azriel said softly.
Thea gasped. He had said a week ago when they played that he didn't want her touching his wings. The trust he placed in her so quickly was unexpected and filled Thea with pride.
"I'd like to very much, but I know it's arousing. And we agreed to just sleep," she said.
"I'd be up for a little activity before sleeping," Azriel said.
"Oh?"
"Yes. You?"
"Well, yes. I thought I was being sweet and understanding by offering to just sleep," Thea teased.
Azriel chuckled as he pulled her flush against him and kissed her soundly.
"Touch them, but be gentle," he urged.
"Where do you like to be touched?" Thea asked as she stroked the inside of his wing.
Azriel groaned quietly. "You tell me. You're the only person who's touched them since we've known each other..."
Pleasure bloomed in Thea. Although all prior times she had touched his wings were clinical, she still savored the knowledge that only her hands had been on them in the last century and a half.
"Well, let's find out what you like, Az," she said, her voice low.
Thea's hand reached up to touch the top of his wing, from spine to tip, her palm curving around the bone the whole time.
"Fuck..." Azriel cursed, gripping Thea's waist as he rested his forehead against her shoulder.
Once Thea's hand reached the tip of Azriel's wing, her hand moved down, caressing the outer edge.
Azriel heaved. Thea imagined what it would be like to have him on his knees, chained to the floor as she played with him like this, taunted him like he had taunted her by withholding his orgasm as he begged her for release.
But not tonight. Tonight he was exhausted, and she was learning what he liked. How much pressure to use. What parts were most sensitive. And she would make him come undone. That was the promise she made with each touch.
Her hand continued its exploration, now palm up as she caressed the bottom ridge line of his wing.
"Gods..." Azriel moaned as he gripped her more tightly and thrusted his hips against the side of her thigh.
"The bottom's particularly sensitive," Thea observed, repeating the stroke on the underside of his wing.
Azriel groaned as he fumbled with the laces of his pants. He freed his cock enough to ensure he would not come in his pants but got too distracted to actually remove them.
Thea's fingers started at the top of his wing and made long light strokes down the membrane to the bottom.
Azriel bucked against her side. "Mother save me," he groaned, grinding his erection into her thigh.
Thea changed directions, moving her fingers from bottom to top against the membrane, and Azriel lost all semblance of control. His hands gripped Thea's hips as he rutted hard and fast against her thigh.
Being the cause of Azriel's imminent undoing with just her fingers on his wing was a heady feeling. Thea was powerful, and it was intoxicating.
"You keep talking to the Gods and Mother, but really, you should be worshipping me," Thea said, stepping into her power. She curved her fingers so her nails gently scraped up from the bottom of his wing to the top.
"Thea! Fuck, Thea!" Azriel roared as she continued to drag her nails over his wings until he surged against her, coming undone. His seed sprayed against her hip and thigh as he shook with the intensity of his orgasm. "Thea...Thea..." he chanted quietly as he came down from his high.
She had felt his climax through the bond, and she delighted in bringing him to completion. She went to the bathroom to clean up, and brought back a small damp towel for Azriel to use.
Azriel was still breathing heavily. "You're fucking incredible. Thank you," he said, his eyes heavy with sleep. He kissed her appreciatively.
She held him tightly, feeling his bone-deep exhaustion. "You're welcome, Az. Go to sleep, I've got you," she whispered.
He closed his eyes and fell asleep immediately.
Thea walked through Rhysand's winnow to bright late afternoon sunlight. She squinted, taking in the scene before her. They were at an Illyrian style camp in the hills of Adriata in the Summer Court, but it felt odd for it to be warm and sunny rather than icy with snow on the ground.
"Oh no," Beatrice whispered from beside Thea, having just arrived as well through the winnow.
Thea, Beatrice, and several apprentices stood in front of the large Healers' tent. Loud moans came from within, and wounded Illyrian soldiers littered the floor around the tent.
"Come, let's go everyone. Triage protocol. Beatrice, you're in the tent with Lillian. I will make rounds to stabilize patients. Others, spread out and examine the injured. Call me as needed for the most serious cases you find. If it can be healed with herbs and manual work, do that. Do not waste your energy as it'll have to last all night and into the morning. Save wing healing for later unless life threatening. Apprentices, be respectful of the Illyrian healers and take direction from them," Thea instructed.
Beatrice and the five apprentices nodded and scattered.
Thea sighed, the sight of so many injuries was admittedly overwhelming.
"What are you doing here?" Azriel said, coming up to Thea. Blood and dirt smeared his face and armor.
Had it just been last night that she held him in her arms as he came undone from her touching his wing? Early this morning he had kissed her and left the Healer's Hall to meet with the Inner Circle, and she knew something serious had happened as bloodlust and adrenaline coursed down the bond. Azriel was fighting. A lot. Thea warned Madja something was wrong, and when Rhysand winnowed to the Healer's Hall to demand Thea and others come with him, it all made sense. War with Hybern. A battle in the Summer Court.
"Are you hurt?" she asked, scanning his body with her hands.
"I'm fine," he said.
"Cracked ribs," she assessed.
"What are you doing here?" he repeated.
Thea healed Azriel's ribs, thankfully not too serious. She knew under triage protocol she should conserve her energy, but he was her mate. She couldn't bear to see him hurt. And now that he was in good shape, he could help her by using his energy to make field dressings.
"We are helping the Illyrian healers. Providing additional support," she said.
Azriel looked at her, concerned, as he followed her to the nearest wounded Illyrian. With shredded wings and a hole through his chest, Thea blasted the warrior with healing energy to stabilize him.
"Az, use a patch right here," she said, holding the sides of the chest wound together. Azriel obeyed and make a battlefield patch at the instructed spot. "Someone will be over as soon as possible to help further," Thea said to the soldier.
"Thea, are you sure you should be here?" Azriel asked delicately as they walked quickly to the next injured warrior.
Thea whipped her head around. "I'm the best Healer for the Illyrians," she said.
"Of course. But if some were to die..." Azriel said quietly. The attack on Velaris was still fresh in their memories. Thea remembered the dead faces of each of the victims she could not save. And Azriel knew.
"This is war. I understand that," Thea said firmly. She compartmentalized her uneasiness with loss. It was likely people were going to die today. She needed to accept that, even if each death would scar her.
Azriel looked at her, clearly remembering how she had broken down after Hybern's attack. How he had held her in the silence.
"I'm stronger now. I've been mentally preparing to have to do this ever since then. And I have you now. Right?" Thea asked.
Azriel nodded. "I've got you."
"Good. Now help me in this first round with stabilizing the patients," she said.
Together, they stabilized thirty-seven wounded warriors waiting for help near the Healer's tent. She healed several of the more serious injuries up to a safe point to hand over to Illyrian healers or the apprentices, and directed Azriel to produce field dressings in strategic locations that maximized the likelihood of survival for those who needed to wait.
But Thea also lost eight soldiers in her arms, unable to heal them fast enough before they succumbed to their injuries. And each time she lost someone, it felt like a knife wound to her soul.
"I'm sorry. It's not your fault, it's Hybern's," Azriel had said each time.
She had compartmentalized each loss away in her heart as Azriel had led her to the next patient.
Now, sweaty and panting from all the exertion, Thea washed her hands, face and neck in clean water Feyre had given her when she joined in the effort to help the wounded. Thea shared her assessment of the most seriously injured with Beatrice who was going to prioritize their healing in the tent.
Thea inhaled and exhaled, trying to get a grip on her frayed emotions.
"Drink," Azriel said, giving her a large cup of water.
Thea took it. "Thank you," she said, gulping it down.
"I'll get you some food," Azriel said, looking around for a camp mother.
Thea's eyes widened. "No! I'll get it myself."
Azriel looked at her quizzically until he realized why she was startled. "It's the female offering her mate food that's significant," Azriel said.
"Usually. But given our...atypical start...let's just avoid giving each other food until..." Thea's voice tapered off. Until he accepted the mating bond. Until she did.
Azriel's eyes were piercing with desire. "Okay," he said quietly. He touched her cheek. "You're remarkable. What you just did. Thank you."
Thea smiled, but she was still haunted by the eight warriors she could not save. "Thanks for assisting, you'd make a great apprentice," she teased, pushing through her sorrow.
"I'd only serve you," he said, his voice now low and thick.
Thea gulped. It was an odd feeling to be both sad and aroused. What she wouldn't give to have her way with him right now. She hadn't orgasmed last night despite being incredibly turned on as she had insisted Azriel sleep. But now she was regretting that.
"You should go, right? I'm sure there's a lot of intelligence to triangulate," Thea said.
Azriel nodded reluctantly. "You're not wrong."
"Go, work."
"Please eat," he said.
"I will, you too. Go," she said.
He leaned in. "I'm going to take care of you later," he promised, his voice so smooth.
She moaned as he jogged away to talk with Rhysand. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mor carrying blankets. Their gazes met, and Thea nodded with acknowledgement. Mor gave Thea a tight smile. Thea was not sure what to make of Mor's expression, but she did not have time to dwell on it. There was too much work to do.
At dawn, Thea dragged her body back to the tent she was sharing with Beatrice. She had not seen Azriel again and assumed he was busy being Spymaster. Thea collapsed on her bed and fell asleep.
An hour later, the apprentices and Beatrice left with Rhysand, Feyre, and Mor. Thea continued to sleep until strong hands shook her awake.
"Thea."
She opened her eyes to see Azriel crouched next to her cot.
"Good morning," he said, an amused glint in his eye.
"What time is it?"
"Nearly nine."
Thea clamored out of bed. "Shit. The patients! Did we lose anyone else?" She had lost three more patients in the early morning when they took turns for the worse and her power had already been spent.
"No, everyone survived," Azriel said.
Thea sighed with relief. "I should have woken up hours ago," she said, frustrated with herself.
Azriel frowned. "According to the Illyrian healers, you left around dawn. So you've barely slept as it is. We need to move the legions, otherwise I would have insisted you sleep longer."
Thea rubbed the sleep from her eyes, her body still admittedly exhausted.
"Would you like to fly with me or go home? Cass and I are staying with the legions, and we are flying to our southern border."
That was a dumb question. "Hm, spending a few hours in your arms, or going home to an empty bed. What kind of choice is that?" Thea asked flirtatiously.
Azriel blushed a bit, his eyes gleaming with amusement. "Get cleaned up. We're leaving," he said, exiting her tent.
She went to the wash basin and cringed at her reflection. She had not realized her face was covered in blood splatters, sweat and grime. She had forgotten to wash up before sleeping and then proceeded to flirt with Azriel looking like a complete mess. No wonder he was amused.
Thea quickly cleaned up, changed clothes, and stuffed her things in her pack. Racing out of her tent, she was surprised to see the camp was nearly completely packed up, most of the legions already flying off.
Azriel was waiting outside. "Hi, the camp mother set this bowl of stew on the floor here. I never touched it," he said, his tone incredibly dry.
Thea chuckled as she picked up the bowl and ate. She was starving. Azriel quickly broke down her tent, and another Illyrian came by to collect it, Thea's pack, and the bowl.
"We won't need this tent at the next site," Azriel instructed.
"What?" Thea asked, confused.
Azriel's hazel eyes met hers. "Going forward, you're sleeping in my tent," he said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Thea's body froze and burned at the same time. She nodded, not daring to speak. She regretted not dragging Azriel back into the tent before he broke it down.
Azriel seemed to notice her arousal. "C'mon, the sooner we fly, the sooner we land," he said, his implication clear.
Thea wrapped her arms around his neck, and he picked her up. He fully extended his massive wings and launched into the sky.
This was the first time Thea was flying in his arms since they discovered the mating bond. She studied her mate as he flew, easily catching up with the back of the legion given the power he could generate from his enormous wingspan.
She nuzzled into his neck and kissed a line up to his jaw.
He hissed. "Thea..." he warned.
"What?" she asked, feigning ignorance.
His sideways glance clearly indicated he was unimpressed with her innocence act.
She laughed, and he smirked. She idly traced circles and swirls with her fingertips on the side of his neck. His jaw tensed and after several flaps of his wings, he abruptly stopped flying forward, letting the last of the Illyrians flying behind them to pass.
"What are you doing?" Thea asked.
Azriel flew them a bit higher until the only sound they could hear were the flaps of his wings, the legion out of earshot.
"You are trouble," he said, rearranging her so that her legs wrapped around his waist. "It's my own fault. I haven't taken care of you like I promised I would."
He kissed her thoroughly, their tongues entwining as Thea clung to Azriel mid-air, her hips grinding but not catching any friction as his erection was below where she was braced against his body.
"Az..." she mewled. He licked and suckled the sensitive area of her neck and clavicle.
"You need to come," Azriel teased.
"Yes, please. Haven't I been good?" she asked brazenly, kissing him again.
Azriel groaned. "So good," he agreed. He carefully moved one of his hands to the front of her body and pressed his knuckles between her thighs. His other arm wrapped her tightly against him, and his wings beat steadily to maintain their altitude.
Thea gasped, wantonly grinding her hips into his knuckles.
"That's it," he urged, nibbling at her neck.
Thea was all sensation, all need. She knew she was in the air, and she should be clutching at Azriel to avoid plunging to the ground, but she also knew he would never let her fall. Her hand tangled in Azriel's hair at the nape of his neck as she continued to grind against his hand.
Azriel licked the shell of her ear. "I've got you," he said.
Thea shivered as she ground against his hand. "More. Please, Az," she begged wantonly.
Azriel groaned. "Wrap your arms around my neck. Do not let go," he commanded.
She did as he directed, and he loosened her legs from around his waist to create a bit of space for his hand to slide into her pants as the other grabbed her ass. He surged two fingers inside of her, and Thea screamed. In the back of her mind she was grateful the legion was well ahead of them now, and that this piece of sky was just theirs. Because she was overwhelmed with need.
"Faster, Az. Do not fucking stop, please," she begged. Her arms burned from hanging onto Azriel so tightly, but all of her focus was on her orgasm mounting quickly after delaying her own needs for a day and a half.
Azriel watched her, enraptured, as his fingers pumped faster inside. "My girl...so wild, so gorgeous," he said, his tone thick with desire.
Thea nearly purred at his endearment. His girl. Fuck. "So good, so good," Thea moaned as she ground her hips into his hand. She was so fucking close.
"Scream. No one's out here but us," Azriel urged.
That's all it took.
"Az!" she cried out from the depths of her chest as her orgasm exploded within her. Her mind was in freefall, but Azriel held her tightly, insuring she did not plummet even when her legs went slack around his waist as she rode out the waves of her orgasm.
Eventually, Azriel pulled his hand out from her pants and sucked his fingers clean. It was perhaps one of the most erotic things Thea had ever witnessed.
"Fuck," she breathed before kissing him appreciatively.
Azriel chuckled between kisses, clearly pleased with himself. He gathered one arm under her knees and the other at her back once again. Thea sighed, her eyes closed as she savored how special this experience was.
"Good?" Azriel asked knowingly, as he began to fly forward once again.
"Mmm hmm," Thea said, resting her head on his shoulder. She still felt weightless, and being in the air added a deeper dimension to the sensation. "Thank you," she whispered before falling asleep. Thea dozed in Azriel's arms and when she awoke, they were descending in the afternoon.
Azriel landed in the snowy southern hills of the Night Court, not releasing Thea until she was acclimated to being on the ground. He flexed his arms.
"I'm sorry," she said, assessing his arms and shoulders for muscle strain. She flooded his body with a bit of pain relief and had faith his fast healing ability would take care of the rest.
"I'm not," Azriel said, his gaze mischievous.
"Az!" Cassian called out.
Azriel looked at his brother and sighed. "Work," he said regretfully.
"Me too. I'll be at the Healer's tent," Thea said.
Azriel nodded, and they parted. Thea checked in with the Illyrian healers who were setting up as there were still several warriors who were seriously injured. Thea got to work accelerating their healing progress.
A few hours later, Tierien and Garlon, Lord Devlon's lieutenants, stopped by.
"Hi, you two. How's the shoulder?" Thea asked Garlon. He had suffered from a stab wound yesterday which Thea had healed, but not completely in her hurry to ensure as many people as possible stabilized.
Garlon smirked at the opening. "A little sore," he said, sitting down and letting Thea examine it.
She peeled back the Illyrian leather armor to examine the wound. "Hm, yeah, I'm sorry I didn't have energy to come back to you yesterday. I'm impressed you flew all this way," she said, concentrating on carefully sealing the stab wound together.
"It was not without difficulty," Garlon said as he watched Thea work.
"Do you need anything? Have you eaten lately?" Tierien asked.
She thought about it. She hadn't eaten anything since the morning stew. It was nearly dinner time. "Food would be great, actually, thank you."
Tierien nodded and went to find some nourishment for Thea.
"How are you finding life at the war camp?" Garlon asked.
"It's mostly work, so it's been fine," she said.
Garlon chuckled. "You're strong."
"Thank you," she said, knowing that was high praise from an Illyrian. She finished sealing the wound, concentrating on leaving minimal internal scarring.
Tierien came back with a bowl of porridge and an apple.
"Ah, thank you so much," Thea said appreciatively, digging into the porridge. "Move your shoulder, how does it feel?" she asked Garlon.
He moved his shoulder experimentally. "Perfect," he said.
Thea smiled, pleased.
"You take care of us, we take care of you," Tierien said, his voice smooth.
"Yes, we wondered if we could take care of you tonight? We are good at sharing a lover," Garlon said, his gaze roaming up her body.
Thea froze, spoon halfway to her mouth. She looked at the Illyrians, and four beautiful hazel eyes focused back on her as though she was a delectable dessert. They made no move to advance, but their intentions were crystal clear.
Shock and arousal flooded Thea's body. They wanted to...share...her. With each other. At the same time. Fuck. She had never been with two males at once and the thought was intoxicating. Thea recalled her conversation with Rhysand where he joked that Lord Devlon would be happy to give her both of his lieutenants. And here they were, offering themselves up to her. Her mouth watered, until she caught sight of the apple still in Tierien's hands.
Azriel. The mating bond. They had never agreed to refrain from entanglements with other people, but she had assumed it. He had requested she stay in his tent for fuck's sake. He had called her my girl just hours ago.
"I...I'm flattered...truly. But I can't," she said, walking backwards.
Garlon wore a skeptical expression as his nostrils flared and picked up her arousal. Tierien stroked the skin of the apple as his eyes remained fixed on her.
"Excuse me," she said, darting out of the tent and walking quickly away.
She needed to calm down. Her nerves were frayed from witnessing so much carnage yesterday. From taking care of so many people. From coming undone in Azriel's arms as he flew. From being offered two gorgeous males at one time. Gods...
"I was looking for you, hi," Azriel said, coming up to her. He frowned when he caught scent of her, his emotions morphing from confusion to anger. "What is going on?" he asked, his tone deadly.
Tierien and Garlon had followed but stopped upon seeing Azriel standing in front of Thea. Azriel's shadows swirled erratically, his glare blazing with icy fury as he focused his attention on the lieutenants and started to stitch together a story in his mind.
"Nothing happened," Thea said as she stood between him and the two other Illyrians.
Azriel advanced two steps, but Thea kept her body between the males.
"Az, nothing happened," she said again. She placed a hand on his chest. She chose him. She would choose him every time.
Tierien took a bite of the apple he still held and turned away with Garlon in tow.
Once the Illyrians left, Azriel pulled Thea by the hand towards his tent. Once they were inside, he placed a shield around.
"Speak," he said, his tone on the edge of dangerous.
Thea inhaled, trying to wrap her mind around everything she was experiencing and feeling. "I just need to clear my head and walk around," she said.
"You cannot walk around camp smelling like you want to fuck," Azriel spat out.
She cringed. He had just made her come that morning. In the sky no less. But with the mating bond and in the thick of war, everything felt so raw.
"Do you want to fuck them?" Azriel asked, anger, disbelief, jealousy, and hurt evident.
"No," Thea said. "They offered themselves to me. And I declined," she explained as clinically as she could manage.
Azriel mulled over her words. "You declined, but you want to," he pressed.
"For Cauldron's sake Az, if two beautiful females offered to fuck you at the same time, I wouldn't hold it against you if you got aroused!" she retorted. She turned around and buried her face in her hands. Her cheeks burned with arousal and embarrassment.
A long silence filled the tent as Thea worked to calm down.
"I'm sorry. You're right. Getting aroused doesn't mean you'd do something. But what aren't you telling me?" Azriel asked, sensing something amiss within Thea.
He always pressed for more information from her. She supposed that was his nature as a Spymaster. And she actually didn't mind sharing with him.
The problem was he didn't share with her.
"Thea..."
"A lot, Azriel. I don't tell you a lot of things. But I tell you a hell of a lot more than you tell me," she said. He winced. Her instinct was to comfort him and apologize, but she stopped herself. "Do I still smell like I want to fuck?" she asked rhetorically, knowing full well she was no longer aroused.
He shook his head.
She walked out of the tent, inhaled the night air, and headed to the edge of camp. The cold wind pierced her thin jacket, but she was not going to go back. She was too frazzled.
As Thea walked around the camp, she realized what was so damn appealing about Tierien and Garlon's offer was not only the idea of two males fucking her at the same time, but how transparently they had offered. No games. No walls. No rules. They said they wanted to share her and that was it. Simple.
Everything was always more complicated with Azriel. What he did not say was often more important than what he did. And while she knew he was physically attracted to her, protective of her even, he kept his feelings so close.
I relish that you're my mate. At the time she had enjoyed hearing these words from him, but now that she turned them over in her mind, they did not mean much. They were words of hunger. But not of affection. Not of intimacy.
She was not being fair. Touching his wings in her bedroom had been incredibly intimate. Azriel had trusted her. And the trust she had placed in him as he made her come undone in the sky was also intimate.
But that was physical intimacy. There was an emotional component to that, yes, but that wasn't the only thing she wanted. She thought back to when they talked at his apartment until dawn. She had shared about her past, but he did not share in return. He had only expressed appreciation for her story.
She barely knew anything about him.
"So, are you done freezing your ass off?" Cassian said, walking up to Thea.
Now that Thea thought about it, she was in fact freezing. "I guess," she said reluctantly.
Cassian chuckled as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and guided her to the fire by his and Azriel's tents. "Let's get some alcohol in you. Then at least you're a fun emotional wreck," he teased.
Thea laughed heartily as she sat down on a log by the fire. Her fingers were quite cold. Cassian handed her a large cup of wine, and she drank it and requested a refill.
She warmed by the fire for several minutes until Cassian finally asked, "You want to talk about it?"
She looked around. "Didn't he already tell you?" she asked. Azriel was no where in sight, but she suspected he was keeping an eye on this conversation.
"Sure, but you haven't."
Thea smirked. She visualized the threads of the mating bond reaching out to Azriel and pulled. Azriel emerged from his tent, a tight expression on his face.
"Is Cassian our mating bond counselor?" Thea asked Azriel, her tone dry.
Azriel's face relaxed every so slightly. "It was the best I could scrounge up," Azriel bantered back, grabbing a cup of wine.
"Hey, I am a great counselor," Cassian said defensively.
Thea thought about it. "Actually, you probably are after dealing with Az and Mor for five hundred years," she admitted.
Cassian howled with laughter, and Azriel choked awkwardly on his wine. Thea giggled as her mate squirmed and coughed.
"Thea, you are savage," Cassian teased.
Thea rolled her eyes. "And you love it. Nesta is way more vicious than I am," Thea pointed out.
It was Azriel's turn to chuckle as Cassian's eyes bulged and then narrowed.
"No comment, Cass?" Thea pressed. She had barely eaten anything all day, and the alcohol was indeed making her more bold.
Cassian shook his head. "Absolutely savage," he muttered as he took a long drink.
Thea and Azriel shared a knowing look. Azriel's eyes lingered a bit longer on Thea, and his hand reached out to caress hers. Thea watched his scarred hand in the firelight as it stroked the top of hers resting on the log. She smiled at the show of affection and turned her attention back to Cassian.
"So Cass, when do you go to the Steppes?" she asked.
Cassian sighed. "Tomorrow morning. I'll visit a few families. There's too many to see them all," he said darkly.
"What was the final death toll?" Thea asked.
"Fifty-six. But almost all in battle. Would have been much higher without you and the other Healers ," Cassian said, the appreciation clear.
"I'm glad we were able to help," Thea said.
"How do you feel?" Azriel asked softly. They had not talked about any of it yet.
Thea reflected on the question. "I'm pissed about the eleven I lost," she said.
Cassian sighed. "You saved many more," he said.
"I tell her this every time," Azriel said in agreement.
"You're going to go mad if you only think about the ones you lose. I have sent thousands to their death over the centuries. But their lives meant tens of thousands were saved. In war, that's the best any soldier can hope for. That their death meant others live," Cassian said.
"Exactly," Azriel said.
Thea sighed. "I gave you both shit about the females you're in love with and now you're giving me shit for my fucked up guilt," Thea said, her joking tone hiding her defensiveness.
Azriel's gaze pierced through all the bullshit. "Thea," he said quietly, his hand squeezing hers.
This was the second time she brought up Mor. Thea knew she needed to get a grip and stop this madness. "You're right, Cass. War is different. I know that in my mind, but my heart needs to catch up," Thea said.
Azriel squeezed her hand again, lifting it off the log and placing it on his lap as he inched closer.
Cassian nodded as he appraised Thea. "Have you ever wanted to learn how to fight?" he asked, changing the subject abruptly. Thea knew he did this when he was uncomfortable.
Thea tilted her head. "You offering to train me?"
Cassian nodded. "Everyone should be trained with the basics."
She looked at Azriel for his opinion.
"Cassian's the best at teaching combat," Azriel said.
"Okay, do what you can in whatever time's available, I suppose," she said.
Cassian cracked his knuckles. "Excellent."
"This isn't a situation where you're going to make me throw sacks of flour around or something, right?"
Cassian thought over the suggestion. "That's a good training idea for Feyre. She's so damn skinny. But no, you have muscle on you. No strength conditioning necessary. How flexible are you?"
"Flexible," Thea said matter of factly.
Cassian raised his eyebrows and looked at Azriel, who kept his stare on Thea. She could feel Azriel's hand getting warmer against hers.
"Okay, we'll have to test that," Cassian said.
Azriel glared sharply at his brother.
"Combat-wise, I meant," Cassian clarified.
"When should we start?" Thea asked.
Cassian shrugged. "After the High Lords and Lady meeting. Everything's shit until then."
"When is that happening?"
"In two days. I dispatched the messages to the other Courts today," Azriel said.
Thea nodded, and her stomach grumbled. Perhaps the alcohol was disagreeing with her.
"Hungry?" Cassian teased, producing a small loaf of bread from his pack by the fire.
"Yes, my savior!" Thea said enthusiastically, reaching for the bread.
Cassian chuckled and tossed the loaf to Thea who tore off a big piece and tossed it back. "You aren't keeping your mate fed, Az," he scolded lightly.
Azriel's jaw clenched. "She won't take food from me," he said.
Cassian looked at the pair quizzically.
"Just in case," Thea explained weakly between bites of bread.
"There's no significance in the male giving the female food, other than providing for her," Cassian said.
"Thank you," Azriel said, looking at Thea as though it was obvious.
"There are bonded pairs of males and bonded pairs of females. How do they figure out which way is significant?" Thea asked.
Cassian thought it over. "I suppose the person who felt the bond first would be the one to wait for the other to offer food? Oh, I see now. You felt it first."
Thea nodded.
"You know, that's clever, might as well be safe," Cassian said. Thea preened a bit at Cassian's agreement as Azriel sulked. "And in the meantime, I'll keep you fed."
Azriel growled at his brother, and Thea got up quickly from the log, still holding Azriel's hand.
"Okay, that's enough from you," she said pointedly to Cassian who chuckled in delight at making his brother pissed. He would have a hard day tomorrow at the Steppes, so Thea let it go.
She looked at Azriel. "C'mon roommate, let's go to bed," she said with an overabundance of drama. Being tipsy really was doing a number on her.
"Roommate?" he said incredulously as they walked back to the tent, and Cassian howled with laughter.
Once Azriel placed a shield around the tent, he spoke. "Thea..."
"It's late, let's go to bed," she cut off.
"I want to talk," Azriel said, his voice firm and gentle at the same time, like the hauntingly beautiful music she would listen to at the amphi-theater in Velaris.
Thea inhaled and exhaled deeply. "Okay, about what?" she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Azriel sat down beside her. "Whatever you want to talk about."
Thea gasped. She had not expected that response.
"You're right. You share more than I do. I don't think I'll ever be as...forthright as you are. But I can do...better," he offered.
Thea swallowed hard. It was so foolish to compare any other male to Azriel. She didn't want things to be easy. All she wanted was for him to try. And he was.
"What happened to your hands?" she whispered.
Azriel balled up his scarred hands in recoil to the question. And Thea almost took it back, but she stopped herself. He wanted to try and talk. She needed to give him the opportunity to do so.
Finally, he spoke quietly. "I have two older half-brothers by blood. When I was eight, they pinned me down, threw oil on my hands, and set them on fire. They did this multiple times. Each time my hands healed a bit before they started again."
Thea was speechless. He was tortured as a child? By his own family? The pain. The betrayal. The terror. The disgust. She ran to the tent's exit and threw up just outside in the dirt, the wine and bread coming up as she processed this gruesome revelation. She spat in the dirt and wiped her mouth before coming back into the tent.
Azriel watched her carefully as she went to the wash basin and cleaned up.
"I'm sorry," she said, wiping her face with a towel.
"It's alright. That's actually a very reasonable reaction," Azriel said.
Thea grunted. "Why didn't anyone find you? You were a child. You must have been screaming."
"I don't want you to get sick again," Azriel warned.
Thea braced herself. "I've already emptied the contents of my stomach," she said darkly.
Azriel continued. "I was a bastard son. I was kept in a cell. No one knew except my father, step-mother, and half-brothers. Yes, I was screaming, but by the time the warriors found me, it was too late. My hands had healed into this," Azriel said, looking at his own hands in disgust.
"And your mother? Did she know you were in a cell?"
"I was forbidden from telling her anything. They threatened to kill her if I did. But once she saw the hands, she realized. It broke her. She wanted to get me out but had no power."
"You had to stay there after that?" Thea asked, horrified.
Azriel nodded. "For another three years. Until I went to train and found Rhys and Cass."
"Fuck."
Azriel continued, his gaze unfocused as he remembered. "I couldn't use my hands for a long time. I felt so powerless. Cold. Angry. Lonely. And that's when the shadows came. To help me. To keep me sane, in a way. I learned I could speak to them. They would tell me things, secrets they learned from beyond the tiny pitch black cell I was in."
"Fuck," Thea wheezed out. A tiny dark cell? This was Thea's own version of hell. She had spent plenty of hours and nights in the "redemption chamber" which was a small closet at the orphanage outfitted with locks. And that was nothing compared to this. Azriel had been tortured for eleven years. That he even survived was a testament to his strength.
"When my father realized I was a Shadowsinger, he finally saw value in me. He agreed I could fly and train," Azriel said.
"You said you learned to fly later in life," Thea whispered, recalling the memory. He had said it so casually and only in the context of teaching Feyre. Thea hadn't picked up on it then.
Azriel nodded. "Fly. Train. It felt impossible to be older and so behind. And broken," he said, his voice distant.
"Az..." Thea could feel the swirl of emotion emanating from him. Sadness, such deep sadness.
"And cold. So cold. The shadows kept me warm," Azriel said. He lifted up his hand, and a shadow tendril wrapped around it, almost as an act of comfort.
"But the shadows don't have a temperature," Thea said, confused.
"They do to me," Azriel said.
Thea furrowed her eyebrows, thinking through how this could be possible medically. "To survive, your core temperature dropped permanently. How?"
He shrugged.
"Az...that's...impressive magic."
"I did what I needed to survive," he said hollowly.
Thea was still confused. "I don't understand. You're warm when I touch you," she said.
"Only with you," he clarified.
"Really?" She thought through the implications of what Azriel was saying. Everyone thought he felt cold all the time? Was this the mating bond?
"Yes. The first time we met and you healed my collarbone, I felt so warm. It was such a strange sensation. One of the reasons I distrusted you at first."
"Did you think I was a witch?" Thea teased.
"The thought did cross my mind," Azriel admitted. "I'm relieved I never voiced it."
Given her past lover Damien accused her of the same thing, she was also glad Azriel did not repeat that trauma.
Thea sat back down next to Azriel. "May I?" she asked, holding her hand palm up for him to place his own in. He did. She carefully examined the scars, her palm glowing as she assessed the injury. "I could heal them, but I would need to remove all the skin and regrow the muscle. There would be no guarantee you'd be able to use them as well as you use your hands currently. It would take a long time to rehabilitate," she said.
Azriel sighed. "Honestly, that's the best assessment I've ever received. Other Healers have said it just couldn't be done," he said.
"Well, others aren't me," Thea said, a bit haughty.
Azriel chuckled. "They certainly are not," he said. "Thank you, but no. I don't want to do anything, especially so close to war. Maybe when I'm retired."
Thea laughed. "So like another 500 years?"
"Pretty much."
The two workaholics shared a dark laugh.
"Thank you for telling me," Thea said.
Azriel nodded as he brushed Thea's hair affectionately, signally what he thought was the end of the conversation.
But Thea was not done asking questions. "What happened to your half-brothers? Were they punished?" Thea asked.
Azriel nodded. "Rhys and Cassian beat the shit out of them, broke their wings so they couldn't fly for a long time."
Thea frowned. "That's it?"
Azriel quirked an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" he asked distractedly. He continued to play with her hair, twisting strands around his fingertip. His mind was clearly on other activities.
"I would have doused them in oil and set them on fire," Thea said, enjoying the brutality in her fantasy.
Azriel froze and looked at her, an unnamable glint in his eyes as he witnessed a side of her he had not realized was there. The darkness. The protectiveness. The ferocity.
"Was that too harsh?" she asked self-consciously. Perhaps she was coming off as too drunk and crazy.
Azriel answered with a swift and hungry kiss that Thea matched. And as Azriel pushed her down onto the bed to kiss more thoroughly, Thea could feel through the mating bond the deep appreciation he had at her statement.
Thea sent a silent prayer to the Mother that she would in fact never come across Azriel's half-brothers, because she knew she would do exactly as she said if she ever did.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading and the support! Things are getting more emotionally intimate and serious for our heroes as they learn more about each other. I'm always struck by how fast ACOWAR is - just the pacing in terms of the number of days the book covers, it's actually a very short number of days. So that fast timeline is a key piece of the plot for this story. Thea isn't used to this fast life, and it's affecting her! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, comments and feedback welcomed!
MaySoE on Chapter 2 Thu 28 Aug 2025 02:09PM UTC
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