Chapter 1: i. the fuckening
Summary:
It started with something small, something barely noticeable. Once a while, Neil would either nudge Charlie discreetly or whisper something in their ear, and they would make some outlandish excuse and retire to Neil’s room.
(“Sorry, but the monster under Neil’s bed gets lonely if we leave them alone for too long.”
“Ah, so it was the monster that kept shaking your beds.”
Even though Neil and Todd’s faces were as red as Cameron’s hair, his proud grin did not distract Todd from noticing how Charlie had their arm around Neil’s waist.)
Chapter Text
Todd wouldn’t consider himself a pessimist — not really.
It’s just that good things rarely happened to him — not surprising, since he lived in Jeffrey’s shadow. Everything he owned was handed down from his brother. And even if he got something new, sooner or later, it will inevitably be snatched away from him. He learnt that from a young age.
His family completely ignored him on his 5 th birthday. Jeffrey had this competition or something, Todd didn’t really remember, and they were out the whole day. The celebratory dinner was held for Jeffrey winning the competition, not a single word uttered about Todd’s birthday.
That night, Jeffrey tucked him in, gifting a notebook to him, wrapped up nicely and secured it gently in his arms. Todd hummed sleepily as he leaned into Jeffrey’s hand, soaking up the comfort and safety he felt with his brother.
The next morning, he clutched the shiny, bright, hard covered notebook tightly against his chest. His parents took one look at it, and claimed that Todd stole it from Jeffrey, as it had been his prize for winning the competition. Ignoring Jeffrey’s protests and scoffing at Todd’s eyes welling up with tears, they harshly snatched it from his chest and shoved it into the crossed arms of Jeffrey.
He thought Jeffrey would be mad at him, but when he tucked him in, he returned the notebook and planted a soft kiss on his forehead, a soft but firm reminder to hide this from their parents.
Jeffrey, who tucked him in every night, even though he had to get up earlier for school than he does. Jeffrey, who got punished the morning after for giving the notebook back to Todd. Jeffrey, who hid his pain behind a smile, insisting that Todd should keep the notebook.
Todd was 5 when he decided that Jeffrey got good things because he was good. And he rarely, if not ever, got good things, because, well…
Nothing lasted forever — all good things must end.
Todd was 5 when he had memorised that phrase by heart.
So when Neil had asked if he could be Todd’s boyfriend, and a smooth 2 months had passed, Todd was not surprised when the other shoe dropped.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really — stress about assessments, running on 3 hours sleep, and a diet of “2 shots” espresso was bound to make anyone cranky.
It hadn’t even been a fight, not really — Todd kept pushing Neil about something or another, neither of them could remember — but one second Neil was snapping at him, though his voice was never raised, the next second Neil was choking out sobbed apologies, collapsed at Todd’s feet and holding his hands like a lifeline, so softly and gently, as if Todd alone could refill the amount of energy that had been drained out of him.
Apologies were made, reassurances were given, and life carried on as normal.
Almost.
It started with something small, something barely noticeable. Once a while, Neil would either nudge Charlie discreetly or whisper something in their ear, and they would make some outlandish excuse and retire to Neil’s room.
(“Sorry, but the monster under Neil’s bed gets lonely if we leave them alone for too long.”
“Ah, so it was the monster that kept shaking your beds.”
Even though Neil and Todd’s faces were as red as Cameron’s hair, his proud grin did not distract Todd from noticing how Charlie had their arm around Neil’s waist.)
Then Neil started coming back to the dorm late.
The first time it happened, Todd’s little “hi” startled a small yelp out of Neil.
“What are you doing up?” Neil had asked after regaining his composure, concerned instead of accusing, “are you okay?”
Todd immediately melted.
“Yeah,” he replied softly, “just finished a call with Jeffrey.”
“That’s good,” Neil smiled, collapsing onto his bed, “wanna tell me more?”
“You’re literally half-asleep right now, my love. Do you want to change?”
A string of muffled, incoherent mumbling came from Neil’s pillow.
Todd giggled softly.
“I’ll tell you about our call tomorrow.”
Neil hummed sleepily.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” Todd returned, falling asleep with a smile on his face.
Since then, Todd had always stayed up until Neil had come back to the dorm. Neil always insisted that it wasn’t necessary, that Todd should get as much rest as he could, but nothing he said could change Todd’s mind.
(Sometimes, Neil would come back disheveled, his hair stuck upwards flying in all directions, with one hand on his neck, the other on the wall to support his heavy limp.
On those days, he would hear Charlie outside their room, checking him over and bidding him goodnight. Their conversation always included some form of:
“Does it hurt?”
Silence, but sometimes there would be shuffling.
“We should tell someone.”
“I know.”
“Neil.”
“Char.”
“Be safe, okay? I love you.”
“I love you, too.”)
Todd trusted Neil, he really did — it was himself he was insecure about.
On a rare night where Neil and Todd had some time to relax together after dinner, Todd hesitantly asked, “...are we okay?”
Neil immediately dropped his phone (he was always on his phone nowadays) and gave Todd his full attention.
“It’s just that…” Todd trailed off, not really knowing where to begin. Neil, bless his heart, only stayed silent, tilting his head in that adorably encouraging way that Todd always caved into.
“We… we rarely spend time together anymore, and it kind of feels like we’re sort of… drifting apart?”
Todd sneaked a glance at Neil, who scrunched up his face like he always did when he was trying to find the right words.
“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” Neil said, eyes fixed on his hands.
His voice was so soft, Todd had to strain to hear him, despite the suffocating silence in the room.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been enough.”
The way Neil said it made Todd shiver. He wasn’t trying to guilt-trip Todd — he genuinely thought he wasn’t enough. Like he wasn’t the best thing that’s ever happened to Todd.
“...I understand if you want someone better. You deserve someone better.”
“What?” Todd’s head shot up so quickly, he swore his neck cracked.
“...What?” Neil echoed, his voice hollow. He raised his head in a less dramatic manner, the single tear trailing down his cheek breaking Todd’s heart.
“I- huh?”
“...you’re not breaking up with me?” Neil’s voice was so small and hesitant and vulnerable , as if he was trying to squash out the small glimmer of hope.
“No! I-” Todd immediately broke off when Neil flinched at his raised voice.
“No, my love,” he continued lowly, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Neil scoffed and looked away, but Todd couldn’t bring himself to stop.
“I just thought… Maybe I wasn’t enough for you?”
A hush fell over the boys.
Todd knew Neil well enough to be able to read his face as he went through a series of emotions:
- Indignation (that the thought had even crossed Todd’s mind)
- Confusion (why did it feel like Todd was trying to break up with him, and what did he mean by him not being enough for Neil?)
- Realisation (did Todd think Neil’s been cheating on him?)
- Anger (Todd couldn’t decipher this one. He’s never seen Neil angry before — at least, not this angry.)
- Distress (He should’ve known this was too good to last. Of course he wasn’t good enough for- wait, what?)
“You think I’ve been cheating…” Neil trailed off, hands flying to grip his hair, struggling to breathe.
“Todd, I would never- I- god, I’m so sorry, is that what you think I’ve been- and you’ve still stayed up waiting for me- what the fuck is wrong with me, why- god, fuck- I didn’t mean to hurt you, please Todd, please believe me, I would never- fuck, and you still- fuck!”
Neil broke off his incoherent rant with a whimper, curling into himself as he hyperventilated, his breaths short and wheezy, as if every inhale hurt .
It took a long time for Todd to calm Neil down, and if the poets noticed their tear-stained cheeks and hefty eye bags, they were kind enough to not mention it.
(Todd didn’t miss when Charlie subtly caught Neil’s eye, silently mouthing, “did you?” and Neil’s deft shake of his head.)
Todd was alone in their dorm again, scrolling on his phone in an attempt to quench his worry for Neil, when a notification popped up.
es50 created a group chat with you , who’s there , what is love , and baby don’t hurt me .
es50 changed the group chat name to “ Sorry if this is rude, but I think this needs to be said ”
es50
Hi y’all, please read the group chat name and come for me if I’m overstepping boundaries, but it’s not just me, right?
Neil and Charlie are acting weird? Like, clingier and touchier than usual?
baby don’t hurt me
y’all
but yeah me and @what is love have been wondering too
who’s there
wow talking about us behind our backs?
but yeah i asked char
they just deflected w/ a joke but there was /gen panic in their eyes and i didn’t wanna push
whitman jr
so
funny story
what is love
are you okay? do you want us to come over?
whitman jr
OH NONONO IT’S FINE
just
when i brought up feeling disconnected w/ neil
his first thought was that *i* was breaking up with *him*
because he wasn’t good enough
but when i told him it was vice versa
he legit had a panic attack/meltdown
he was ripping his hair and hyperventilating and everything
we spent so long calming down we didn’t even get to sleep lol
what is love
is that what happened that day?
whitman jr
yeah lol
funny thing is i didn’t even accuse him of cheating
i just said i thought i wasn’t good enough for him
who’s there
todd :(
whitman jr
and the moment he came to that conclusion by himself
i don’t think i’ve ever seen him this distressed
i don’t think i’ve ever seen *anyone* this distressed
baby don’t hurt me
awwww :(
whitman jr
so yeah
don’t really think he’s cheating on me lol
but tysm for checking in @es50 !! :)
who’s there
yeah, thanks @es50 :D
es50
I’m sorry if I’m going to offend anyone, but may I say what I think?
whitman jr
ofc! even if it was rude, we know that you’re just trying to help! and that’s all i can ask for in a friend!
baby don’t hurt me
god todd you’re so pure ilysm <333
whitman jr
lol i love you too <3
who’s there
sorry for ruining the vibe but what did y’all get for maths 5c
what is love
70
baby don’t hurt me
70
whitman jr
70
who’s there
…
i got -192
:)))))))))))))
baby don’t hurt me
LMAO KNOX
whitman jr
…the unit is minutes?
what is love
asdskdflshdfklkasdhkjj KNOX
need any help?
who’s there
yeah that’d be great thanks T_T
es50
I respect you all, and I respect Neil and Charlie. You all decided to become my friends after I had been the outcast for so long. It pains me to think ill of my friends, but I can no longer dismiss what I see. What we all see.
Neil and Charlie constantly make excuses to leave and be alone by themselves. Charlie frequently sneaks away in the middle of the night, and I would hear them talking to Neil in the hallway, oftentimes saying things like, “we should tell someone.” Neil would generally have a limp and wear makeup on his neck or wear turtlenecks the days after.
Speaking of Neil, he is practically inseparable from his phone at this point, obsessively making sure that it’s facing down in the rare instances he does put down his phone.
I understand that communication is the key in any relationship, but to be the devil’s advocate, lying is also a form of communication. I don’t want to say this, as I know people can change (myself being the perfect example), and I despise putting down mental health issues, but it is no secret that Charlie used to be a player, and Neil is a very good actor. I’m not saying he was faking his meltdown, but maybe he wasn’t having a meltdown for the reasons you think he was.
Again, I’m sorry if my message has offended anyone. I merely want to point out what I think, as I hate seeing my friends hurt.
Also, @who’s there , I got 70 minutes.
who’s there
GODDAMNIT
ok wait give my dyslexic ass a sec to read that
ah ok
so
- you didn’t offend me at all! it’s great to have a friend pointing out what they see, cause i know you won’t deliberately paint your friends in a bad light, and sometimes i ignore stuff i don’t wanna believe is true lol
- i didn’t know abt any midnight meeting ups, but i did notice char’s been getting more and more exhausted, but every time i ask them abt it they tend to shut off, so i never really pushed them on that
- yeah this one’s undeniable. he used to be the one telling us to get off our phones, but now he’s become the most attached. thing is, char hasn’t really changed their phone usage much, so i don’t really think that’s a connected thing? like it’s def a “neil” thing, just not a “char + neil” thing, if you get what i mean?
- i know you mean well, but i truly believe that char has changed.
but /gen, tysm for looking out for us! :D
whitman jr
- yeah, what knox said!!! :)
- i kinda noticed there’s 2 types of sneaking out? one is just neil, as in char doesn’t check in on him after, and he doesn’t usually limp/hide his neck the days after. he’s also less dissociated? if that makes sense? two is like you said, the midnight meeting with both of them. but it kinda doesn’t make sense bc *if* they *were* cheating, neil’s “alone” nights don’t really make sense?
- i did notice that, but he always puts his phone down when we get his attention, like he’s not completely lost in it? so i just kinda let him be lol
- i know this could be vindicated by me literally being in love with him, but cam, you didn’t *see* him. i don’t think i’ve ever seen *anyone* this genuinely upset before :(
es50
I understand. Thank you for not dismissing my concerns, and if there’s anything I can help you with, please don’t hesitate to ask.
what is love
god i love a friend group that COMMUNICATES T_T
baby don’t hurt me
REAL
who’s there
of course! thanks, cam!
whitman jr
thank you for looking out for us, cam!
you’re a good friend :)
es50
:)
who’s there
what the fuck
how did i get 1167 minutes
what is love
i’m coming over
Everyone in Hellton knew Mr Keating was the best teacher.
Todd had never been so grateful that his captain lived up to the praise.
Even though Neil was drained every night he came back to their room, barely able to stand up without help, his nights are filled with creased brows, laboured breaths, and panicked whimper.
The only time Todd had seen Neil truly relaxed was in Mr Keating’s class.
Todd could tell Neil tried so hard to stay awake, doing his best to pay attention, desperate to show his respect for his favourite teacher.
But even when he lost the battles, Mr Keating would simply slip off his coat and gently lay it like a blanket over the boy.
In those moments, Todd would take a good look at his lover — how his jaw was unclenched, how his shoulders sagged, how his frown disappeared from his face. Todd would suddenly be reminded of how young Neil was.
Charlie’s ease in Mr Keating’s class was prominently apparent. They weren’t as exhausted as Neil, but their slouched shoulders and uncrossed arms had not gone unnoticed.
Mr Keating would often bring in large flasks of warm tea and packets of light snacks, keeping his classroom well-stocked, encouraging his students to take what they want, whenever they want.
And even though he had changed the nature of his activities quite a bit — not leaving the classroom so that Neil and Charlie could take a break — his lessons were just as engaging and interesting.
Mr Keating was a godsend.
The other teachers were not.
Like clockwork, loud yells and rulers banged on tables often sent Neil awake with a panicked yelp, their thundering reprimands barely covering Neil’s hyperventilating. Like clockwork, Charlie would rush to his defence, drawing the attention to them. Like clockwork, they would both receive detention, causing them to return to their room late. Like clockwork, the cycle repeated itself.
The poets barely get to hang out together anymore. Every weekend, Neil and Charlie would sleep in late, and none of them were heartless enough to wake their exhausted friends.
At this point, Todd didn’t even care if Neil was cheating on him with Charlie. He just wanted his friends to stop looking so dead.
Chapter 2: ii. the shattering
Summary:
It was Cameron’s voice that stopped them.
“No.”
Charlie turned their head, keeping their movement slow and making sure not to jerk Neil too much.
“What do you mean, no?”
“No.”
Chapter Text
By some miracle, the poets managed to squeeze out a few hours on a Saturday to have a group picnic.
Picnic blankets were laid on the oval by the dock, the sun shining brightly, as if urging them to enjoy this rare moment.
It had been a good day. Neil hadn’t flinched at Todd’s touch, and actually managed to stomach some breakfast.
It had been as if nothing had happened. Conversations floated around easily, and the tension between the boys faded.
Almost.
Neil tried to pipe in softly a few times, but he always got cut off by Cameron talking over him. Todd would gently encourage him as Charlie glared daggers at Cameron, but Neil would only retreat back into his shell and shoot Todd a reassuring smile, as if he understood why Cameron was behaving the way he was.
Despite his incessant yawns and shifting, Neil would always find some way to make sure he was touching Todd, needing the physical contact as if he needed air.
As the group slowly started to mend, Todd couldn’t suppress the feeling that something bad was going to happen.
Something bad happened.
After yet another yawn from Neil, for the first time in 3 hours, he finally broke contact with Todd and leaned on Charlie’s shoulder instead.
“Alright, my love?” Charlie asked lowly, playing with Neil’s hair softly.
Knox’s breath hitched as he froze.
Charlie took no notice of their partner’s look of confusion and hurt. Instead, they planted soft kisses on Neil’s temple, hugging the boy close.
Neil let out a ghost of a breath, slumping his shoulders and burrowing his head in Charlie’s chest.
It was Neil’s face that drew Todd’s attention. His face, so young and vulnerable and trusting , Todd’s not even sure he’s seen Neil like this before.
Charlie broke the silence and muttered some lame excuse about Neil being tired, and began to help him walk back to the dorm. The duo remained absolutely oblivious to the turmoil they had created — Knox was on the verge of tears, Todd was shifting uncomfortably, and Meeks and Pitts exchanging glances.
It was Cameron’s voice that stopped them.
“No.”
Charlie turned their head, keeping their movement slow and making sure not to jerk Neil too much.
“What do you mean, no?”
“No.”
Charlie scoffed lightly, and began helping Neil back towards their dorm.
“You can’t just walk away like this! What the fuck? How dare you even have the audacity to feign ignorance? Knox and Todd trusted you! Still trust you! You know Knox was hurt after his last partner cheated on him! And you, Neil! You weren’t only Todd’s boyfriend, you were his best friend! He trusted you with his secrets! He came to you about his trust issues and always feeling second best, and this is how you repay his trust?”
“Cam, I really don’t think-”
“ No , Knox. I know you love them, and I’m sorry this is happening, but you have to wake up and see the truth!”
“No,” Todd muttered softly.
“Todd-” Cameron tried.
“ No ,” Todd said, firmer this time, “I know you mean well, but I trust Neil-”
“Then why is he practically inseparable from his phone? Why would he make sure his phone was facing down every time he actually does ?” Oblivious to Knox and Todd’s distress, and Meeks and Pitts' futile attempt to offer even just the tiny bit of comfort, Cameron barged on.
“Don’t even try to lie or deny it! Don’t think I haven’t noticed you sneaking out and meeting Neil at nights! You come back dishevelled and anxious! You’re jittery and so fucking touchy with Neil, and you keep making excuses to leave! Case in point!”
Cameron finally broke off, staring at Charlie, as if daring them to rebut.
He didn’t expect Charlie to blink slowly, as if absorbing the information dump that Cameron just told them. The poets watched as their face dawned in understanding, then a mixture of hurt and guilt.
“Well?” Cameron prompted, practically yelling in their face.
The smallest, pained whine from Neil’s lips cut through the tense silence.
Charlie immediately dropped their gaze from their staring contest with Cameron, softening their entire posture and curling around Neil protectively.
“Char,” Neil whimpered, so softly and childish and vulnerable , “icky.”
“I know, my love, I know,” Charlie mouthed, barely audible, “you’re doing good. You’re doing really good.”
Turning to the poets, Charlie fixed them with a stare. No one could decipher the waves of emotions swirling behind their eyes.
“Neil’s tired,” Charlie said, their voice deadly quiet, “and I’m taking him to his dorm to rest.”
The duo barely managed to take a step when Neil practically collapsed into Charlie’s arms, Charlie having to practically carry him the way back.
The rest of the poets were all shocked into silence. Charlie’s always been the dramatic one — the loud, confident one, unafraid to say what they think; the aggressive one, never missing a chance to fight back.
Quiet Charlie was scary.
Neil’s agonised laboured breaths, quiet whimpers, and short gasps of pain filled the unnerving silence, gradually growing fainter as the duo slowly disappeared from sight.
The group didn’t know what to do. They just sat on the blanket, not a single word uttered.
About half an hour later, Charlie came back alone. They’ve lost all fight in their eyes — they were resigned and worried and tired and almost relieved.
They sat down heavily and heaved out a long, exhausted sigh.
“I’m sorry,” Charlie said, running a hand through their hair.
No one broke the confused silence hanging in the air.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you can’t trust me.”
“Char, I never-”
“It wasn’t Knox’s fault, it was all me-”
“But it wasn’t my secret to tell.”
Charlie heaved out another sigh, letting his posture slump.
Todd thought they somehow looked more tired than Neil.
Charlie took yet another breath, as if preparing themselves for what they were about to say.
“When Mr Perry found out about the play,” they began slowly, taking their time and trying their best to find the right words, “he said it was girly. Said he no longer had a son. Pulled out the papers needed to disown Neil like he had been waiting for this moment. ‘S why he’s always out late. Work. Didn’t wanna tell you guys ‘cause he doesn’t take charity. Stress caused his chronic migraines to flare-up.”
“What about the times you asked if he was hurt?” Meeks asked, careful to keep his tone light and not accusing, “does his work hurt him?”
Charlie wiped their palms on their thighs, staring resolutely at their hands.
“Mr Perry said…” they trailed off, taking a couple of deep breaths to compose themself.
“He said if Neil was gonna act like a girl, he would be treated like a girl.”
A pained whine escaped Todd’s throat.
Charlie let out a sympathetic hum, and turned to Knox.
“I’m so, so sorry,” they said, reaching out to take his hands, “I was so focused on helping him, I genuinely didn’t realise what it looked like. I would never betray your trust, my love, I promise.”
“I know,” Knox whispered, bringing their hands up and placing a gentle kiss.
“Was that what Neil was trying to tell us?” Pitts piped up cautiously, testing the waters.
“Yeah,” Charlie whispered, gaze never leaving their lover.
“I’m sorry for not trusting you and Neil,” Cameron finally spoke up, avoiding Charlie’s eyes.
“Hey,” Charlie said, slowly and gently as if coaxing a child, “it’s not your fault.”
Cameron didn’t lift his gaze.
“Genuinely, Cam. We didn’t realise what it looked like, but hearing your side of the story, your assumption was perfectly logical.”
“I assumed you couldn’t change."
And that would mean I couldn’t change.
“But I did. And so did you ,” Charlie said, pulling a hand away from Knox and gently tilting Cameron’s chin, “I’m proud of you for standing up for your friends.”
They considered Cameron’s watery grin as a win.
“Wait, did Captain know? Is that why he’s so lenient?” Meeks chimed in.
“Nope,” Charlie said, popping the “p”, “he’s just that slay.”
As their light-hearted laughter cleared the tension in the air, Todd finally felt like everything would be fine again.
Maybe, just
maybe
, good things
could
happen to him.
Chapter 3: iii. the healing
Summary:
Mr. Keating held him as he cried, each yell of anguish and agony and betrayal and pain shattering Mr. Keating’s heart.
He yelled and sobbed until all his tears were cried out, shoulders slumping as a soft whimper escaped from his lips.
“It’s not your fault,” his captain whispered, his grip never loosening, his tone never changing, so patient and soft and loving-
Chapter Text
Things got worse before they got better.
“Hi,” Todd greeted softly, perched on the window sill, reading by the sunlight slipping through the chink of the curtains.
Comfortable silence fell as Neil slowly blinked himself awake, taking several deep breaths.
“Hurts,” Neil mumbled, closing his eyes and scrunching his face, “wan’ Todd.”
“I’m right here, my love,” Todd set his book on his bed and kneeled beside Neil’s, running his fingers gently through his lover’s hair.
Neil hummed sleepily, still not fully awake, subconsciously leaning towards his touch.
Another ten minutes had passed before Neil opened his eyes again.
“Todd?” He whispered, confused.
“Hi,” Todd repeated, with a grin filled with so much love.
“Hi,” Neil muttered, returning the smile but glanced confusedly around the room.
Understanding dawned on his face as he let his head fall on Todd’s shoulder.
“Charlie told.”
Todd hummed in affirmation, waiting to see his reaction.
Neil seemed to be debating something in his head. Todd waited patiently.
“Does Captain know?”
Todd shook his head.
“We wanted to let you decide if you wanted to tell him.”
Neil nodded slowly.
“I want to.”
“Okay.”
“After breakfast?”
“Of course, my love.”
“Alone?”
“If that’s what you’re comfortable with.”
Neil smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“‘S my fault.”
After 20 minutes of arbitrary rambling to fill the silence, and to let Neil build up his confidence to say what he wanted to say, Mr. Keating fell silent after being cut off mid-sentence.
“‘S my fault. Deserved it. Now ‘m dirty for Todd.”
Mr. Keating froze.
“No,” he breathed, watching as tears fell down Neil’s cheeks, and feeling his own rolling down his.
“No, Neil,” he said, firmer this time, “absolutely not. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?”
Neil shrugged and looked away.
Mr. Keating sighed.
“You don’t have to look at me, but please listen to me?”
Neil hummed.
“Neil. Son, none of this is your fault. There is absolutely nothing that can justify what your father did to you. Even if acting was feminine — which it isn’t — it wouldn’t be a valid reason. Nothing, Neil, nothing could ever justify raping another person.”
Neil thought the engraved desk was the most interesting thing in the world.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil hummed, mind clearly elsewhere.
“Neil. It’s not your fault.”
Neil met Mr. Keating’s gaze.
“I know.”
“No,” his captain repeated, his voice never raised, patient as ever, “it’s not your fault.”
“Yeah,” Neil looked away.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil shrugged and hopped on the table, letting his legs swing.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil tightened his clench of his jaw.
“It’s not your fault.”
A sniffle escaped Neil.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil scoffed, indignant and bitter.
“Don’t bullshit me.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Not you, please,” Neil begged, losing the fight and tucking his legs under his chin, curling into himself, “anyone but you. Please. Don’t do this to me.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Stop,” Neil whined, covering his ears, turning his back to his captain and rocking back and forth.
“Neil,” Mr. Keating said levelly, still as patient as the first time he said it, “it’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is! If I’d been a better son, if I’d listened , if I’d been just a little braver, if I’d fought back -” He broke off sobbing.
Mr. Keating held him as he cried, each yell of anguish and agony and betrayal and pain shattering Mr. Keating’s heart.
He yelled and sobbed until all his tears were cried out, shoulders slumping as a soft whimper escaped from his lips.
“It’s not your fault,” his captain whispered, his grip never loosening, his tone never changing, so patient and soft and loving -
Neil turned and buried his face into his captain’s chest, gripping his sweater so tight his knuckles turned white, the steady drumming of Mr. Keating’s heartbeat grounding him, cutting through the chaos in his head.
This must be how it feels to have a dad.
“It’s not my fault.”
Todd looked up from his book as Neil entered their dorm, cheeks red and eyes puffy, but the tiny and determined smile that graced Neil’s face finally reached his eyes.
“No, it’s not,” Todd said slowly, upset that he had a pretty good guess on what Neil was talking about.
Neil let his grin widen as he plopped onto his bed.
“I think we should tell someone.”
Neil cocked his head.
“Legally.”
Understanding dawned on Neil.
“I really don’t want to be a bother-”
“Neil,” Todd cut him off gently, fixing him with an expectant stare.
“...It’s not my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
Todd stayed silent as he watched Neil carefully thought over his offer in his head.
Finally, Neil nodded.
“Okay,” he said, softly at first, as if trying to convince himself.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, my love. But I do think it’s best if we did.”
“Okay,” Neil repeated, firmer this time, “if you trust Jeffrey, so do I.”
Neil’s eyes lit up as Todd went over, tenderly caressing his face and pressing a kiss onto his forehead.
“I’m so proud of you, my love.”
For the first time in a long time, Neil looked alive.
(And if Todd noticed Charlie’s puffy eyes and mellow posture at dinner, as if truly being able to relax for the first time in a long time, he didn’t point it out. He simply shot Mr. Keating a grateful nod, allowing himself to believe that good things could happen to him, too.)