[Letter to an Old Friend]

by 7n7NoliEnthusiast

Summary:

Noli spews out his thoughts in a letter that will never reach 007n7.

Notes:

I made this with a headache, sleep deprived, with barely any plot. I apologise sincerely because this is written so terribly but it's my first fic so it's okay... rightttt? RIGGHhhtTT??!!
Sorry I don't know why I wrote this. The 77noli brainrot is real. Kill me now GAHHGGGHHH

My dear 007n7.

 

It's unbearable without you, I miss you so, so bad. I thought I liked solitude, but now it feels like punishment. It always has been when you weren’t around, it’s just so much more prominent now.. So incredibly different to when you would ghost me for days on end, working on some stupid code to improve your c00lgui.

 

I wish things didn’t end like how they did. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I find myself wanting to apologise anyway. 

There's no use now though, you’re not around to hear it. So I guess I'll just rant.

 

You’re so bloody selfish .

You were just in pain. I get that, but why? Why, Sev?

You had a life, a son, one that you didn’t even think to consider might still be alive, searching for a way home and clinging to the hope that maybe– just maybe, you would find him.

 

You had me. If you had just reached out, I would have picked up in a heartbeat. I would have helped you search for your kid. I would have given you that comfort you so desperately sought out but never received, and I know you knew that.

 

I know you had a rough life, with your parents and all that. You probably blamed yourself for your son's disappearance, compared yourself to them.. But you’re not like that. I know you, Sev, and I know you were a good father. C00lkidd was happy, I saw in the photos. He still would be, if you were here.

I wonder if you were here, would you push me away again? Tell me I'm a bad influence on your son?

 

It doesn’t matter anyway, because I've seen what he’s done when he’s got his hands on your c00lgui. There's no wonder why everyone who saw the missing posters never informed you about your son's whereabouts.

 

Speaking of the kid, It’s funny.. he reminds me of you.

 

He’s real quiet, and he’s always holding onto that stupid burger of yours after I told him you must have ‘left it’. His smile reminds me of yours too, judged by the photos in your house. He hasn't smiled since I told him I would bring him home to you.

 

He lashes out sometimes like you used to, not as bad as you did, but I know he’s just confused– it's not everyday your father vanishes from your life like he was never even there to begin with, right? Haha.

 

…

 

I never should have let you leave me. I wish I did more to help you. To prevent all of this. I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle fatherhood on your own, but I was too bitter and hurt and blinded by pain to step up and try to help you with your son. .. Maybe even afraid you would reject me or tell me you found someone else.

 

..You were always a weak soul, as much as I hate to say it. You cracked under such little pressure and resorted to coping in terrible ways that only seemed to make it worse. You never changed, I see, because I still had to be the one to find you at your lowest instead of you coming to me. I wish I had the chance to help you now like how I used to.

 

I could have done things so much differently. I wish I dropped hacking, but there was no going back after the void star. I would have tried for you anyway though, you know. If you tried for me and didn’t abandon me when things finally got tough– just like now.

We could have had a family, like we always joked about in college. You, c00lkidd and I. Bet you didn’t know I was serious about it.

 

If only I weren't a few days too late, maybe we could have made amends and lived that fantasy. 

..I was so excited when I found c00lkidd and finally had an excuse to see you after.. What, a decade? Only to be greeted by the stench of your rotting corpse against the cold kitchen tiles. 

How was I supposed to explain to c00lkidd what happened? The poor kid.

 

I cleaned it up before he saw it. Hid your body while he waited outside. I told him you weren’t home, that you’d gone out searching for him– not knowing when you would be back. It’s not much better, but at least he doesn’t know the fact you gave up on searching for him.

But I know he’s not stupid, after only two days it seems like he figured it out quite clearly. It's been a week since, and he definitely knows. He caught me crying into your pillow a few nights ago, unable to fall asleep, another time sobbing when I was rummaging through the cardboard boxes in your garage, labeled ‘NOLI’ and found out you had kept old photos of us from college..

 

I'm a wreck without you, and I have been ever since you left me. I replay thoughts of us in my head daily, reminding myself what we could have had if either of us had enough courage to finally reach out. Sometimes I even catch myself trying to persuade my mind into pretending I imagined your lifeless body– that you’re actually still alive. But that's just wishful thinking. That's what all of this is.

 

I think I finally understand the loss you felt when your son went missing for weeks on end. I understand why you did it, Seven. Guilt, pain.. It's so overwhelming. But I have to remind myself whenever my hand drifts to the same gun you used, that I have a child to take care of. As much as I used to resent the kid for dragging you away from me and tearing us apart, I'd never dream of leaving him on his own, even under someone else's guidance.

 

I’ve shared too much.. Why am I even writing this? It’s not like you’ll ever see it. This is so stupid.

 

    I’m sorry,

 

           Noli