We're Both Standing At the Edge Right Now

by AyaRin39

Summary:

As Pomni confides in her about that argument with Jax, Ragatha recognizes the words he once threw at her to keep her away. She sees through his tricks now and is determined to help him get better. Even upon realizing that he won't allow another person to come close to him, Ragatha is willing to sacrifice more than she is able to give at the moment.
It all doesn't matter. What matters is that Jax steps away from the edge he has slowly pushed himself towards with his self-destructive tendencies.
And if Ragatha has to use his own lies against him for it, she will.

“Aren't I just a toy for you to play with? If I'm only that, my feelings don't matter. What matters is that you do what helps you. I can't tell you what that is. Only you can. But whatever you need, you can use me for it.”

Notes:

This is essentially just Ragatha struggling to take Kinger's advice and doing what she can to help someone else while neglecting herself.
Given that it's set right after episode 6, Jax is also not in the greatest headspace.

So just a small warning for unhealthy coping mechanisms and relationships. Have fun!

Chapter 1: Deja Vu

For someone who acted so well most of the time, it surely was easy to see through him when he suffered. Ragatha knew at a glance.

She had merely looked over her shoulder to check where Jax would sit, only for him to put himself as far away from the group as he could. The first red flag. The second one was that expression on his face. Ragatha hadn't seen him like that in ages. The third red flag was the fact that Jax stood up to go, or rather sprint, to the bathroom without a warning, only to return with a bright smile.

What had ultimately given it away from the beginning though was Pomni.

The jester had been tense before. She had also had panic attacks. Today seemed different though. Especially when she couldn't keep herself from searching for Jax the entire time.

Ragatha could barely wait until the end of the award show before she leaned over. “Did something happen?” A useless question when she had seen how Jax had left the building without saying another word to anyone here.

Pomni bit her lip, something she had seemingly done quite often today already. She didn't stop playing around with her fingers either, anxiety painted onto her face. “It...happened so quickly.”

That didn't really narrow it down. Ragatha could guess, but no scenario she could come up with seemed to match the intensity of the emotions tonight. “I see...” She hesitated for a moment before resuming. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Pomni glanced to the side as if to check if the others were listening in. They weren't, but still, she wasn't comfortable. Her expression was solemn as she replied with a whisper. “Not here.” It was bad then.

Ragatha felt her chest constricting, making it harder to breathe. “Okay, then... Do you want to come to my room?”

Pomni nodded weakly. She returned to fiddling around with her hands, barely able to hold them still. She looked like a frightened animal right now. As if every small sound would scare her.

Ragatha felt the urge to hug her or hold her hand, but she had realized that Pomni was hesitant about body contact by now. So, she merely joined the jester's side as they left the award room.

No one else seemed to have noticed the tension. Kinger was back to his usual persona, while Gangle was busy keeping Zooble in an upright position and giggling at their friend's current state. It was easy to just trail behind them and wish them a good night without having any of them ask questions. Ragatha was glad, as it gave her more time to figure all of this out.

Once they reached Ragatha's room, she opened the door carefully. “Here we are. Please step in.” She made way for Pomni to enter first, which gave her a chance to turn back to the hallway. She didn't allow herself to glance at Jax's door for long before following.

As the door fell shut, it suddenly felt very quiet. The entire fanfare of the award show still rang in Ragatha's ears, just like the many bullets from before. The end of this day carried a stark difference from most of it. In this room, none of the excitement or joy from before seemed to show.

Pomni had already walked over to the bed and sat down on it. She swung her legs around a little, her hands holding onto the edge of the mattress. Her gaze was firmly directed at the floor.

Ragatha's weak smile faded fully. She slowly approached and sat next to Pomni, a small distance left between them so that she wouldn't make her uncomfortable. “Tell me everything you want. Take your time.” She spoke as softly as she could.

Still, Pomni almost seemed to flinch a little. “It...” She closed her eyes while pressing her lips together. Then she drew in a sharp breath. “It was really weird.”

Every part of Ragatha wanted to ask, to beg Pomni to hurry up. But she wouldn't. For now, she had to give her friend time to put everything into words.

And this time, she had been right.

Pomni took a moment to compose herself. In the meantime, her eyes went everywhere but to Ragatha. The more she thought, the more upset she got. “One moment, everything was fine. Then it suddenly wasn't.” Her voice shook as her eyes turned glossy.

Ragatha leaned forward a bit, trying to hold back the frown that slowly settled on her features.

“We...fought Zooble. They had hidden in their room for a while and broke out. They got both of us down to one heart, but everything was fine then. When we got them, it was fine. When we won too, I think...” Pomni paused again. She shook her head to herself as the memories seemed to flash by her eyes. “I think...” She slowly looked up to Ragatha. “What made him mad was that I...tried to hug him.”

It seemed like such a small thing. Something careless that wouldn't warrant such a big reaction. But this was about Jax.

Ragatha felt a sting in her heart. She wasn't sure if this was jealousy or concern talking. Maybe it was a mix of both. “You tried to hug Jax?”

“Yes.” Pomni turned back, staring at her upturned palms on her lap. “He pushed me away, but that was fine too. I made some joke about shooting him to win the game, you know. He threw his gun away, so I stopped. But he wouldn't. Suddenly, he was...a different person. Insisting we weren't a team and that I should shoot him. Whenever I tried to ask what was going on, he got more upset. Then he said that...” Pomni froze in the middle of her narration.

Ragatha only tensed more.

Pomni clenched her hands into fists before breathing in deeply a couple of times. It didn't seem to lessen the impact that fight had had on her. “That we weren't friends. That we had never been friends. That nothing those past few days had mattered. That...he didn't care about me. Or anyone here.” Her hands fell open again, as if in defeat.

Ragatha wanted to say something, anything. But as she opened her mouth, nothing came to her. The more Pomni talked, the more her throat tightened and her heart ached.

'We aren't friends. We never were.'

Those words were too familiar.

Pomni shifted around a bit as if to calm herself down. She only got more worked up though. “I got mad and...” She abruptly stopped as she caught herself. Her hands flew up to pull at her face. “Oh, God. I brought up Kaufmo's funeral.” Her voice still trembled but grew louder.

Another name that made Ragatha tense.

Pomni sounded like she was about to cry now. She looked over at Ragatha as she continued, almost as if she wanted to be consoled. “I just wanted to see how Jax would react. If he would admit that he cares and that's why he didn't show up. Because he's scared of giving that away. But he just got super mad. It was the first time he scared me like that.” Her voice got louder as she spoke, only to break right at the end. She gritted her teeth for a moment. As she resumed, her voice was a mere whisper again. “I think he...thought I somehow blamed him for some of the recent abstractions.”

It made sense now. That one topic was always a definitive way of making Jax lose that cheerful facade of his.

Pomni had no knowledge of the backstory. She just knew that she had committed a blunder without being sure how it had come to this. Looking at her expression now, she blamed herself. She didn't deserve that guilt though.

Ragatha finally allowed herself to reach out. She was slow as she put her hand on Pomni's shoulder. She remained for a moment to give her a chance to pull back. When the jester didn't, Ragatha finally found her voice, even when it was weak. “It's not my story to tell, but... I think you should know. Jax...lost someone. Someone close to him. Way before all of you came here. Maybe that is why he reacted that way.”

Pomni wasn't surprised. Not after that incident during the stargazing adventure. But she put the pieces together more after all. She averted her gaze again. “Oh, God.” Her hands flew up to tug at her hat. “I feel so stupid. I attacked him. He just made me so mad, I couldn't-” She groaned loudly, only to drop her hands again. She stared at the ground before them while muttering the last part. “I punched him a couple of times. I bit him too.” Oh.

Ragatha hadn't quite expected a physical alteration, but it didn't surprise her either. Jax was someone who pushed and pushed you further. When emotions were really high, he would only bring the fuse to the flame. It seemed like Pomni had been at her limit, and whatever he had done had just been too much.

Ragatha knew that it would do little to calm Pomni down, but she wanted to help her. Putting on a little smile, she tilted her head. “Don't beat yourself up over it.”

“Yeah...” Pomni mirrored a just as weak smile, only for it to fade immediately. “But... I didn't mean any of it. And then he suddenly took a dive off the deep end. Started rambling. About how he doesn't care. About how we're just his playthings and he likes hurting us.” She let out a huff while shaking her head. “He didn't mean it. I know that. He just said it so I'd leave him alone. He couldn't even hide how deflated he was after. I don't know how that even happened. He just...switched up on me.”

Wait...

Those were also words Ragatha was familiar with.

In the beginning, it might have been a coincidence. But the more Ragatha heard, the more she felt like she had been transported back a few years. In her mind, memories of that conversation replayed and overlapped with what she was hearing now.

It was weird. Back when Jax had said it first, Ragatha had believed every word.

She remembered exactly how she had recoiled after being hit with those verbal bullets. She had still stayed there, her legs shaking. But as Jax had continued, saying everything he could to hurt her, she had eventually convinced herself that he truly hated her and needed her away from him. That he needed to process that Ribbit was gone on his own. So, she had complied.

But now, when she heard Pomni recount those same words... Somehow, Ragatha didn't trust them as easily. Not when even Pomni refused to believe them.

Ragatha found herself grasping the edge of her mattress, her mind jumping from one scene to the other. Maybe she was just fooling herself. Maybe she was just so desperately clinging to the hope that Jax could actually care about her that she found excuse after excuse. But wasn't making that assumption so easy?

Mere days ago, Jax had gloated about forming a 'blossoming friendship' with Pomni. He had tried so hard to be close to her, and it had seemingly worked well. Pomni certainly longed to be his friend. Why wouldn't he just keep reminding Ragatha of what she hadn't been able to form with Pomni? He had found her jealousy funny a couple of days ago. Why wouldn't he just enjoy Pomni's presence now?

Something had changed over the course of a week, and it hadn't been Pomni or Ragatha or anyone else. For Jax to suddenly act like that, there had to be some internal conflict.

And suddenly, it felt like the lies fell down like a house made of cards.

Ragatha was just blindly guessing. She knew that too. She was guessing and projecting her own hopes onto Jax. But if he was just acting like this because he wanted to push those who had come too close away from him, it would make sense. It was the only thing that made sense, even. It would also explain why Jax had become so horrible those few weeks after he had told Ragatha all those things. Because he had needed to prove himself.

Because he had needed them to believe that he truly saw his companions as nothing more than playthings. Because he had needed to believe that himself. Maybe that was the only thought that had allowed him to survive after Ribbit had left them.

Maybe Jax hadn't just shut down because of the grief back then. It could have been his protective mechanism too. If he told himself that he didn't care, the loss wouldn't hurt so much. If none of the people around were his friends, then losing them wouldn't kill him.

If he was just a sociopath who liked hurting people, then all of this wouldn't destroy him, would it?

In retrospect, the lie had been obvious. Jax had been friends with Ragatha before. Only Ribbit's disappearance had caused him to turn away from her. And when she had pushed nonetheless, asked if she had done something wrong, that was when he had cut her off completely. In that moment of grief and the desperate desire to protect what was left of him, it should have been clear that he barely meant half of what he had said. Especially when he claimed not to care about the deceased and painted himself to be the worst person alive.

And Ragatha, stupidly, had fallen for it.

Her head fell forward so that her hair covered her face. Ragatha's hands grasped her mattress tightly now. How had she been so naive? Why? If she looked into herself, she had obviously known that Jax cared about Ribbit. She had never believed that he had been indifferent, so why had she let Jax push her away that easily?

Looking at Pomni, she didn't seem willing to give up. She had seen behind Jax's facade and had recognized that he had attempted to push her away.

If only Ragatha had shown that fighting spirit in the past. If only. Her head was swimming at this point, barely letting her form a coherent thought. She took a while, and by the end, Pomni was already staring at her with concern. Ragatha still didn't feel ready to talk about this, but she doubted that she would ever be.

“Thank you for telling me, Pomni.”

Truly. Pomni couldn't imagine how important this conversation had been.

“You know...” Ragatha's hands came to her lap. She pulled at the seam in her fingers, if just to distract herself a bit from the numbing pain in her chest. She knew she was made of cotton, but somehow, she felt so hollow right now. “The switching up thing... It's familiar. He said that to me. All the things about him not caring and the sudden slip at the end. Almost beat for beat.”

Pomni was already looking over to her, expression filled with concern. Ragatha could see how she tensed up as soon as the words reached her. “Really?”

Ragatha took another deep breath before she slowly lifted her head. “Yeah. It isn't you...who did anything wrong.” And it hadn't been Ragatha back then either. “And...I think you're right. He got nervous when you came close.”

Pomni's eyes went wide. “He's scared of making friends, isn't he? That's why he keeps everyone away. That's why it was fine when we weren't close, but he had to push me away as soon as we became friends.”

“I think so. I...didn't...” When Pomni understood that so easily, Ragatha only became more upset with herself. She still went through each of Jax's hurtful words in her mind, coming to the same conclusion in the end. Ragatha grasped her hair, struggling to calm herself down. “Why didn't I get that? It's so obvious.”

It felt like bile was rising in her throat. So, she had been right after all. She had failed Jax when she could easily have seen through him. Someone who hadn't even been here for that long had understood. Ragatha had been here with him for years. Why hadn't she realized it first?

“Hey...” Pomni's voice reached her from the side. The jester reached over carefully, putting her hand on Ragatha's leg so softly that she barely touched her. “Don't blame yourself. Jax is hard to see through. I don't really understand him either. I just know that he's not a complete psychopath like he pretends to be.”

Ragatha allowed herself to glance at her friend. Now Pomni was trying to cheer her up. Was it that bad? “Of course, he's not.” Jax was a lot of things, but he wasn't pure evil. At least Ragatha thought he wasn't.

Her words made Pomni sit upright. “But isn't this good? At least we know what's going on with him now.” She sounded so hopeful. She was truly eager to help. But there was a flaw in that logic.

Knowing that Jax didn't hate them had never solved any issue.

“It also means that Jax is likely to shut down even more if we try to help. Especially if he holds a grudge. You saw how he is with me. He's not quite nice when he's mad with you.” Ragatha remembered how he shot her numerous times mere hours ago. How he hadn't hesitated to kill her first as soon as he held a gun. How he had emptied an entire magazine into her head. She also remembered how much glee he had chased and cornered her with. The very thought made her shiver still.

Memories of today swarmed her. Ragatha replayed those scenes in her head too. It was only here that she caught another mistake she would regret to the end of her life.

'I know exactly what you're doing with Pomni, and it'll never work!'

Maybe she had been wrong about that. Maybe Jax hadn't tried to corrupt Pomni at all. What if he had truly just been searching for a friend, and then Ragatha had assumed that he couldn't have such innocent intentions? It could have sent him spiraling even more. What if-

“Ugh...” Ragatha pulled at her hair with both hands. “All of this is a mess.”

When she looked up again, Pomni was just watching in concern. She waited for a moment as if she hoped for Ragatha to say anything else. Her gaze slowly wandered back down when nothing came. “It is, isn't it?” Now it seemed like Pomni, too, got more upset.

It was only here that Ragatha remembered what her role was. Hadn't Pomni come to her to be consoled? It wasn't her moment to cry now. “But...” She reached over to take Pomni's hand in hers. She waited for the jester to look up at her before she spoke. “You're right. We have a starting point now. This won't be easy. This won't be quick. But we know what to look out for now.”

That was only half-true. Ragatha had no idea where to go from here. She would love to have a magical solution for everything, but at the end of the day, Jax was still Jax. She doubted that he would listen to her even if she gave a heartfelt speech about wanting him to be happy. In fact, he would just get angrier if she admitted that she had seen through his facade now.

Jax's pride mattered to him. He wouldn't give that up easily. She wasn't sure if he even could at this point.

They both sat in silence for a short moment. Even without exchanging words, Ragatha could tell that Pomni thought about how to help Jax too. The determination that formed on the jester's face proved how important this was to her. How important Jax was to her.

Ragatha had to blink as she found her mind turning blank again. She could see the catastrophe coming from a mile away. It wasn't something she wanted to tell her friend, but she had to. “Pomni...” Ragatha squeezed her friend's hand before resuming. She struggled to keep her voice steady and with the appropriate sense of urgency. “If I'm right about this, Jax will become worse before he's better. Last time, after we had that...conversation... He was horrible for a few weeks, especially to me. As if to drive down his point. So...”

Even if she didn't say it all, Pomni seemed to understand. “I shouldn't take it to heart if he tries to push me away even more?”

“That's difficult when he knows just how to get under your skin. I know. But it's better if you at least know why he's doing it. And maybe...give him two or three days, just to let him calm down.” Ragatha had only seen him from afar, and that had been enough to make her scared for anyone crossing his path right now. Jax didn't manage his emotions well when he was upset.

Pomni seemed to think back to their last interaction too. She gave a small nod. “Okay.”

After that, they were silent again.

Ragatha could only speak for herself, but her head was so full of conflicting memories and ideas. It was difficult to follow one line of thought when a dozen others demanded her attention too. She decided that it was useless to try anything else today. She needed a night to reflect.

So, Ragatha gently squeezed Pomni's hand again and offered her a little smile. “I bet today was exhausting for you. You need a break after that. I'm sure we'll feel better after getting some rest.”

Pomni nodded in return. But instead of leaving, she whispered again. “Can I...stay here tonight?”

Ragatha could only blink. She hadn't thought that Pomni of all people would ask for something like that.

Maybe her hesitance had seemed like rejection since Pomni immediately took a step back. “Just if it's fine with you. I want to talk a bit more. But if you want to rest or-”

“Oh, no! Of course, you can stay! I told you I'm here for you.” Ragatha could tell that Pomni wasn't doing well today. She wouldn't ever consider just leaving her when she had come to Ragatha in the first place.

This was new to the both of them. That was abundantly clear as they made themselves comfortable in the quilted bed, just sitting there next to one another. But it was also clear that they needed this moment where they processed the day without the constant surprises the circus threw at them.

Pomni had wrapped her arms around her legs, her feet bopping up and down the entire time. She couldn't find the peace she had hoped for. She was the one who eventually broke the silence. “I keep remembering what he said to me. Every word.”

“It's okay. Tell me everything you remember.” Ragatha also wanted to know as much as she could. With how unpredictable Jax could be, it was important to find every crumb he might have left. And of course, to calm down those who had suffered because of him.

Pomni wasn't doing well at all. She really did remember almost every word Jax had thrown at her during that argument. And each of them seemed to torment her more as she had to repeat them. Pomni struggled to maintain her composure, but she came to her limit a couple of times. Still, she absolutely insisted that Jax did care. That he had felt guilty after claiming that he wouldn't remember her if she abstracted. That spouting all of those lies had just hurt him more in the end.

Ragatha tightened her hold on the pillow that rested on her lap. It was difficult to follow, but she focused on each word carefully, comparing it to what she remembered Jax telling her all those years ago. She only interrupted to offer words of encouragement.

Once Pomni was finally done with her story, she paused for only a moment. Then she started speaking again, about everything but Jax this time. About the circus, their friends and the rules of this world. About the gun fight, the lightning round and the adventures prior.

Ragatha spoke more here. She was happy to have a chance to talk to Pomni without any interruptions. Though, she wished that the circumstances were different. Like this, the pit in her stomach refused to disappear the entire time.

They kept talking until the morning arrived anyway.

Chapter 2: Mask On

 

The morning started slowly, given that Ragatha and Pomni hadn't slept. They had all the time in the world to prepare to get out and deal with the circus's chaos. Today, it was more difficult than usual though.

Pomni didn't say anything as she stood by the door. She didn't have to.

Ragatha could tell that she was nervous about facing Jax. She herself wasn't any better. In her case, the confrontation was a bit closer than expected though. “Should I try waking him up first? I could gauge what mood he is in before we see him at breakfast.” It was a selfish suggestion, not really one for Pomni.

It didn't seem like Pomni was convinced either. “I don't know about that.”

“It's okay. I'll try.” Ragatha offered her a faint smile, continuing as soon as Pomni opened her mouth again. “I want to ask him something, Pomni. Just this once. Even if he probably won't reply.” The question had rested on the back of her tongue the entire night. She couldn't hold it back for much longer.

Pomni didn't argue again after, even if her hesitance was obvious. She didn't seem like she was comfortable leaving Ragatha alone and only did so as they ran into Kinger in the hallway before Ragatha's door. Even then, she looked over her shoulder while joining their friend on his way to the breakfast area.

Ragatha stayed behind with a bright smile. She waved to Pomni for a moment while praying that her act didn't break too early. As soon as her friends were out of sight, her smile weakened. The irony of having met Kinger in his confused state now wasn't lost on her. She really did need his advice on how to handle all of this. But she knew that she would just keep delaying the confrontation further if she did it once.

So, Ragatha ignored her shaky legs and walked over to the door right next to hers. She took a deep breath and steadied herself before she lifted a hand to knock.

Her heartbeat almost drowned out the sound.

Maybe she had been too hesitant. Or maybe her heart was just beating so loudly that she couldn't hear anything. When no response came, Ragatha assumed that it was the former one, but she didn't dare knock again. She just waited. A part of her almost expected him not to answer at all. After yesterday, he might take some more time to compose himself.

When the door actually flew open, it caught her off guard.

Ragatha almost flinched and hurriedly steadied her posture. She folded her shaking hands to hide them and faked a smile.

Jax looked like he had come right from his bed. He lazily hid a yawn behind his hand, only to drop it once he was done. Instantly, his typical wide smile appeared while his ears stood up proudly. “Well, that's a surprise.” He looked and acted completely normal.

The facade had been restored.

Ragatha should be used to it. After how bad things had been yesterday, she was still a bit taken aback. “Good morning, Jax.”

“Morning, Rags. What led you here so early? Did you miss me?” There his typical smugness was again. If Ragatha didn't know any better, she would have assumed nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.

Ragatha felt the growing urge to shift and squirm, but she forced herself to stay completely still. “Oh, I... I merely wished to see how you were doing.”

“Me?” Jax puffed out his chest, pointing his thumb at himself. “I'm the winner of yesterday's adventure. Don't you remember? I'm quite proud of that.”

“I believe that. Congratulations.” Ragatha could barely hear her own voice. Her ears were ringing that much.

In contrast, Jax was up to his usual antics. “Aw, thanks. It was well-earned. But you really could have put up more of a fight.” He reached out to aim his index finger right in her face. She didn't miss the fact that he imitated a gun with his hand while doing so.

He was quite good at making Ragatha want to argue. She doubted that he would have liked it if she had fought back, judging by the reaction to her accidental victory that one time. So, really, he was just spouting nonsense. But that didn't matter. This wasn't what she had come here for.

Ragatha's throat felt dry as she finally allowed her smile to fade. It shouldn't have been so difficult to say those three words, but they almost refused to leave her mouth. “Pomni told me.”

And there she had done it.

She saw how Jax's smile shifted instantly, his eyes narrowing slightly and his grin widening even more. It gave him that almost sadistic expression that never announced anything good.

“Oh?” Jax took half a step back as he put a hand on his hip. He let out a loud laugh that didn't match the subject at all. “Are you serious? You can't joke around with that jester at all. She immediately goes crying to ol' Ragatha to send her into the ring. Are you going to yell at me for hurting her feelings now? Really, it's her fault. She's the one who suddenly started mentioning all that nonsense. I just let her down softly.” He didn't even look at Ragatha while saying that, pretending to be so amused.

Ragatha wasn't amused in the slightest though. “It wasn't very soft.”

Jax shrugged. “What did you expect from me? A heartfelt confession of friendship? She expected something from the wrong person. That's all. She'll get over it.” He smiled at her still, as if to challenge her to try to reply. He was ready to deflect every word.

It made Ragatha realize that trying to prepare him for what she wanted to say wouldn't do much. Even if it hurt her too, she had to admit it. “You know, Pomni is more intelligent than I am.”

Her soft voice did little to dull the aggression that seemed to be behind Jax's humor now. “That's kind of like being the tallest dwarf.”

Okay, then. It was better to say it outright.

“She immediately clocked it. All of the games you're playing.” Ragatha got lightheaded as she forced herself to speak. She looked right into Jax's eyes as she finally let the shoe drop. “Jax, when you said those same things to me back then, I believed them. But she didn't. She understood-”

Jax shut the door in her face.

Really, Ragatha had expected it. She had known that Jax wouldn't listen to her bringing up the past one way or the other. It at least proved that he wasn't indifferent about it, but that did little to quell Ragatha's unease. Her chest ached as she made her way back through the hallway and to the breakfast table.

Pomni's silent question haunted her, especially as she had to respond with a shake of her head.

How Ragatha wished that everything would be over here. That she could step away and take a moment to compose herself again, but she couldn't. Not when she knew that a catastrophe was just waiting to come when Jax was this tense. She had no choice but to approach Gangle and Zooble, pretending like she was completely fine as she made a single request.

She asked them to hold back today. To avoid provoking Jax. To not ask about what had happened between him and Pomni. She gave no explanation and just claimed that he might be a bit explosive right now. That had to be enough.

She received concerned expressions and countless questions in return. Zooble already seemed to understand that there was no way this didn't have a backstory. They didn't let go of it either. Not until Jax appeared.

Somehow, it felt like the entire room had gotten colder that moment. No one had really moved or said anything, but the tension was noticeable.

Meanwhile, Jax just waltzed in like always, arms crossed behind his back. “Morning~” He was trying hard to be his unimpressed self. It probably worked on most people here.

Gangle shrank in herself when she heard him.

Zooble moved their chair a bit closer to her and kept an eye on Jax after. But not without raising an eyebrow at Ragatha as if to ask. 'He seems fine though?'

Ragatha shook her head again before she tried to restore her smile. It wouldn't do if everyone saw how unwell she was. But in the end, her efforts didn't matter.

The one who was most on edge was Pomni. Her anxiety was sky-high as she took a few steps toward Jax. “Hey...” Ragatha could hear her voice shake even from afar. “Good morning.”

It ended just as expected.

Jax couldn't give her more attention than anyone else nor could he ignore her. “Good morning to you too, Pipsqueak.” With that, he already focused on the rest of the group, doing what he did best. Mocking everyone. “All of you look like you slept terribly. Couldn't deal with being the losers?”

It barely elicited a response from anyone. Merely Gangle spoke up in confusion. “We don't really need sleep though, so-”

“Oh, be quiet, you Know-it-all. It was just a joke.” Jax ignored how Gangle flinched even at his indifferent tone. “Well then, is the food ready? I'm starving.” He strode over to the table but didn't sit down immediately.

Ragatha could guess exactly what went on in his head as he inspected the seating order and then waited for the others to come to the table too. He sat as far away from Pomni as he could.

Pomni noticed too. The sight was difficult to ignore. It was even more difficult to watch Pomni try and fail to at least have a casual conversation with Jax after breakfast was over.

Ragatha had barely eaten anything but had a stomachache nonetheless. A part of her wanted to interrupt to keep Pomni from being pushed even further, but she decided that it would only worsen the situation if she appeared anywhere close to Jax right now. He would need another day before he would even talk to her again, so she kept her distance.

That was when Caine showed up and made everything worse. Ragatha barely listened to him, even as Jax and Zooble made their typical comments about the daily plan. She followed the others through the portal as well. As soon as they arrived, she sighed.

Today's adventure seemed to be an active one again with some sort of desert setting. The goal was to climb the mountain that towered before them. In the process, they were meant to avoid traps and shoot rope guns to form bridges across the many canyons. Ragatha only took one glance at the layout before she realized today would be a nightmare.

It was a great adventure to cause pain to your fellow circus members. Unsurprisingly, Jax took full advantage of it.

Gangle's comedy mask broke a minute into the adventure. It hadn't been an accident this time, not even a subtle prank. Jax had just picked up a random pebble, told Gangle to catch and hurled it right at her face. Of course, that ensured a couple of insults from Zooble, who had only come onto this adventure to protect Gangle.

Ragatha should admonish Jax, like every day. She still tasted bile in her throat though. She allowed Zooble to say everything they wanted first. Meanwhile, she just stared and watched.

Maybe it had been too obvious when everyone expected her to meddle.

As both Gangle and Zooble glanced at her, Jax turned too. The grin he gave her could only be described as a provocation. “What's with that expression, Raggy? You mind it if I have some fun?”

Ragatha felt her lip twitch. She tightened her hold on her arm. “Our definitions of fun differ.” She regretted her tone as soon as the words left her mouth. Her voice had sounded too cold right there, too bitter.

Jax noticed that too. He didn't say anything but tilted his head a little and kept watching her. Another challenge for her to speak her mind.

She didn't.

The silence was interrupted by Gangle, who slowly came toward her friend. “Is everything okay, Ragatha?” Even she had noticed. She sounded so concerned when her main focus should be on herself.

“Yeah. I'm...fine.” It didn't sound like it.

Zooble's eyes narrowed. They leaned a bit closer, lowering their voice so that Jax wouldn't hear. “You'll tell us what happened later, okay?”

Ragatha closed her eyes for a moment before forcing a smile. “I don't know if I can. It's complicated.” She turned her head toward Gangle. “But it's not because of you, Gangle. It's...different.” And it was different.

Gangle was terribly nervous from the start, as if she expected to be picked on even more. It did occasionally happen. But Gangle wasn't the main target today.

Ragatha remembered all the times she had been his favorite victim. It was usually her when it wasn't Gangle or Zooble hadn't picked a fight. Especially during moments when she had stood up to Jax or had said something he didn't like. It had been the case after the lightning round, where one wrong sentence had hurt him, but it had been much worse years ago. Right after the end of their friendship.

The situation was similar now, so Ragatha had known. Jax's main goal was to prove that he didn't care about Pomni, so he ended up being three times as cruel to her. He hurt the others too, but if he had to make a choice, it would always be her who got the worst.

Warning Pomni hadn't done much when the adventure gave so many opportunities. When she was trying to climb a rope, Jax coincidentally cut it. When she was on the floor below him, he made sure to trigger every trap he could. Poor Pomni was crushed by stones, shoved off the mountain and pierced by random rope guns numerous times.

Ragatha tried to help whenever she could, but it was almost impossible. She could only pick up Pomni after and pull all of the sharp sticks that had gotten stuck out of her body. Barely halfway through the adventure, it was glaringly obvious to everyone. At this point, Zooble doubled their efforts to keep Pomni safe too. Yet, Jax, being Jax, found a way.

It was quite painful. But physical pain wasn't the issue here.

Pomni's smile dimmed more and more each time she told Ragatha she was fine. It was only when Jax purposefully switched the rails of a train to run her over that she stopped pretending. She barely spoke after that. It didn't stop there though.

Ragatha knew what would happen as soon as she spotted a rope gun. It made her sprint in an attempt to get it first, only for Jax to shove her out of the way. She crashed right into a cactus that had been placed there by cruel design.

“What do we have here?” Jax picked up the gun and inspected it for only a moment. His toothy grin announced his actions even as he pretended to look up and inspect the stone walls around them. His eyes jumped down to a certain jester though.

Ragatha ripped herself away from the cactus and stumbled to her feet. “Jax.” Her warning was ignored.

Jax prepared to shoot at the stone wall but shifted at the last second, aiming the metal harpoon at Pomni's head instead. As she was thrown to the floor with a groan and held her head after, he just laughed at it. “Oops. Sorry, I missed.”

Pomni didn't reply anymore.

Ragatha felt her heart skip a beat as she raised her voice again. “Jax!”

Jax turned to her like he hadn't done anything wrong. “I'm here, Dollface. What do you want?”

“You know that!” Every other day, she would just argue with him. Today, it wouldn't matter anyway. So, Ragatha decided to walk past him and kneel down next to her friend. “Are you okay, Pomni?”

Pomni still sat on the floor, refusing to move. It was only now that Ragatha could see why she stubbornly kept her head turned away. At this point, her eyes were glossy and she barely looked up at her friend, shaking hard as she gritted her teeth. “No.” She raised a hand to wipe over her face. “I'm really not.”

Ragatha felt her heart break. She wrapped an arm around Pomni's shoulder, preparing to pull her up.

That was when they were interrupted. “Heh.” Jax didn't have anything better to do than to laugh at them, the rope gun slung over his shoulder. “God, you take everything so seriously.”

That was what finally made Pomni snap as she whirled around to bite back. “Just because you can't ever-”

“Pomni.” Ragatha spoke as softly as she could. She made her friend focus on her to whisper to her. “Let's have this conversation when we're all calmer. I think we'll say things we might regret.” Or at least things Jax could use against them later.

Pomni's anger faded just for a moment. Then it returned, being much more subdued. “Right.” She allowed her friend to help her up.

Jax barely gave them a moment before he kept pushing. “Oh, are you two super close now? That was quick. Didn't you say you hated Rags just yesterday?” He said that so casually.

It still made Pomni spin back around to him. “I did not say that.” She glared at him so openly that he couldn't have missed it.

Jax showed his toothy grin in return. “Guess you're just as boring as she is.”

“I'd rather be boring than-” Pomni raised her voice here, only to catch herself in the middle. She gritted her teeth and mumbled something under her breath. “No, forget it.”

Jax finally took that rope gun off his shoulder. Ragatha almost thought he would aim it at them again, but he merely threw it aside while leaning forward to mock Pomni even further. “No, go on. Say it.”

Pomni let out a bitter huff. “So that you can use it as an excuse to be mad at us later? No. I won't.” She averted her gaze and focused on getting to her feet. Once she did, she immediately stepped away.

Ragatha followed without thinking about it. She sat down on the random sand-colored rock Pomni had chosen as her seat and wordlessly glanced at her.

Pomni took a moment to compose herself before she spoke. “I want to beat him up again.”

“I'm not sure that will help.” Ragatha lifted her gaze to find Jax. It didn't surprise her that he had been watching them but immediately turned away when she glanced in his direction. He had to think he was being subtle, but he wasn't. And stupidly enough, that was what gave Ragatha the courage to get back to her feet. “I'll try to talk to him. To see if we can do anything this week or if we should just delay it a little.”

It would probably be useless. She knew that. But the alternative was letting Jax continue like this until she finally got a chance to be alone with him.

Ragatha found herself hesitating even after having made her decision. She was too scared of what Jax might throw at her, so it took an embarrassingly long time until she finally walked forward. Ragatha straightened her shoulders as much as she could before dusting off her dress. A couple of cactus spikes probably stuck to her anyway, but she ignored that.

Jax wasn't looking at her when she approached but was focused on the rope gun he had seemingly picked up again and fiddled around with it. Somehow, he managed to take all of her courage away simply by turning around and then grinning at her.

“Jax, let's talk.” She just threw it out there before she could change her mind again.

As expected, Jax just raised his eyebrows at her. “That sounds boring though. I'd rather shoot you.” If he could, he would have done that already.

“You already used up your ammo on Pomni. That makes the issue glaringly obvious in the first place. Let's-”

Jax did the only mature thing and turned his head away before loudly humming. “I can't hear you. The chirping of the birds is too loud.”

Ragatha found herself struggling to stay calm already. She still tried to avoid yelling. “There are no birds here.”

“Are you sure? Because I can hear them.”

“Sure, you do.” Ragatha pressed that out between gritted teeth. She sighed after, letting her head fall back and covering her face with her hand. She was at her limit, and they had barely endured this version of Jax for half a day. She would lose her mind if this lasted for much longer. No, they had to do something about it soon. So, Ragatha forced herself to calm down again to speak. “Jax, we can also do this after the adventure if you'd like that more.”

Jax wasn't even looking at her anymore. He already searched for what she presumed to be another weapon he could use to torment them. “Whatever you say, Dollface. Can't promise I'll have time for you though.”

“I know where your room is. I'll see you there.” Ragatha wasn't sure if her voice was too serious when she said that. She only realized that it made Jax look at her again. She didn't let him give a sarcastic reply though and left before he could speak.

Of course, that promise hadn't made anything better. The rest of the adventure was a nightmare anyway.

 

Chapter 3: If You Truly Don't Care

 

As soon as the portal spat the group out, leaving them to tumble back into the tent while groaning, Jax was the first to get back to his feet. “I had a wonderful time, Ladies and Gentlemen.” He turned to grin at Zooble. “And Zooble.” He ignored the fact that they showed him a censored middle finger and prepared to leave. “See all of you tomorrow.”

It was subtle enough, but Ragatha wasn't that naive. He never left this abruptly. Was he running away? Well, she wouldn't let him.

“Jax.”

It succeeded in making Jax glance at her. This time, his annoyance actually shone through. He didn't speak though and just clicked his tongue at her before wandering off.

Zooble waited for a split second before they glared at the group. “What the f§%$ was up with him today? And don't tell me it wasn't anything. This-”

Ragatha jumped to her feet, seeing her opportunity to have this conversation disappear. “I'm sorry. We'll talk later.” With that, she hurried after Jax.

Maybe he hadn't noticed, but his walking speed alone gave away that he wasn't in the mood. Jax pretended to be striding around without a care in the world, only for him to be so far away that Ragatha had to run to catch up to him.

“Please, Jax.” She sounded desperate at this point.

It only seemed to make Jax more annoyed. “Are you going to follow me like a lost puppy the entire day?”

“I will have to as long as you refuse to talk to me.”

“Here we go.” Jax stopped so abruptly that it gave Ragatha a scare, leaning against the wall next to him as he crossed his arms. His posture was overly relaxed, just like that smile on his face. Ragatha still got the impression that he was ready to storm off the moment she said the wrong word. “Okay, then. Let's talk. You have exactly five minutes. What do you want? And don't go complaining about today's adventure. If you're just here because poor Pomni is sensitive, you can leave again.”

Ragatha scanned his expression carefully, trying to find the lies behind that wide smirk. “It's not about that.” At least not fully.

“What is it then?”

Ragatha took a bit longer this time. She tried to sort her words before they left her mouth, but she felt like it didn't do much to soften the blow. “It's the fact that you're clearly not doing well after that argument with Pomni. Which is exactly why you are so harsh with her now. You-”

Jax barely listened for half of it before he already started frowning. “Whoa, slow down. That's a lot of assumptions on your part. I'm not feeling unwell. And I'm not 'harsh' on Pomni.” He pointed at Ragatha again, as if that would deflect whatever she had said back onto her. “Really, after spending years in here with me, you should know, Rags. I threw her onto the tracks because it was funny. Each of you goes through that, and she isn't special. Besides, she's all back to normal now. Where's the problem?”

Ragatha could tear her hair out. How could someone refuse to even budge a tiny bit like this? “She isn't back to normal. And you aren't either.”

This time, she caught Jax rolling his eyes. “Well, her limbs are attached, aren't they?” A distraction again.

“I meant her mental state.”

“Yeah, there might be an issue there. She was a real wreck today. I mean, she's constantly-”

Ragatha had to swallow a much worse comment here. How dare Jax make fun of Pomni like that when it was solely his fault that she had almost cried today? “Maybe she's anxious because she wanted to be your friend, and you suddenly pushed her away. Just last week, you proudly told me that you were getting closer. You went everywhere together. Suddenly-”

“You confuse me, Rags.” Jax's smile had returned, but it didn't seem very happy. Not when he pressed out his reply between his teeth like that. “Weren't you upset when we spent time together? I remember you worrying about our perfect, innocent Pomni being corrupted by me. Now I'm leaving her alone, and you don't like that either. What do you want me to do?”

There it was. As expected, that comment had hit him harder than he wanted to admit.

The reminder made Ragatha tense. She opened her mouth to defend herself, to explain that she had every right to doubt Jax when he made it his task to terrorize them every day. But she ended up swallowing those words. Because in the end, she had still made a mistake. She couldn't just deny it. Even when apologizing to Jax took more of her pride than it should, she had to.

“I was wrong.” Ragatha kept her gaze lowered as she spoke, trying to keep her wavering voice steady. “About that thing between you and Pomni. I was wrong for assuming that. I'm sorry.”

Her apology was followed by silence. She wasn't sure what to expect. She only knew that the response wouldn't be good. And she was right.

As she looked up again, Jax already stared right at her. It was that hollow smile on his face that gave away what he was thinking. “Oh, don't worry about my feelings, Dollface. I know you meant it.” Of course, he did.

Ragatha breathed out loudly, brushing her hair away from her face as she tried to distract herself from her growing frustration. “Why do you always assume I have the worst intentions? I was truly worried about Pomni, that's why-”

This time, Jax cut her off much earlier. His smile had disappeared again and left only the disdain he seemed to feel for her on his face. “You know, Raggy? At this point, it gets old. That entire 'I care about all of you'-shtick. It was boring five years ago, and now it's really time to let go of that.”

It was another sting at Ragatha's heart. She found herself staring back at Jax for a moment, wondering if he really thought she was just pretending. He probably did, didn't he? It shouldn't matter to her, but it did. “I know you don't believe me. And I know it's my fault for not showing that I care about you enough, but... Is it so hard to believe that I truly want everyone to be happy?” Her voice broke at the end.

“Oh, you believe that you want that. That's not the insincere part.” Jax's voice contrasted with her weak one. He spoke with nothing but certainty, even as he leaned forward to bring his face right before hers. “But you have to ask why you want everyone to play happy family so badly. And you're not doing that for anyone else. It's all about you. You just want the satisfaction of going 'Oh, I fixed all of their issues. Now they have to love me!'” He folded his hands at the end and raised his voice an octave, just to mock her.

Ragatha felt her stomach churn as she argued back. “That's not true.”

“It is. And you know why?” Jax restored his smile here but only to deal an even harder blow. “It's 'cause you're from a broken home. You hate conflict. You can't stand it when people are mad at you.” Ouch.

Ragatha almost stumbled back, reeling from the reminder of everything she struggled to carry with her now. She wanted to defend herself, to argue back and say that she at least wasn't causing harm wherever she went. But she knew that would just push Jax away. She could cry about this later. For now, she had to focus on him.

Ragatha's voice shook so much she struggled to continue. “Even if I did this all for me...” Which she might. At this point, she wasn't sure. “It would still be my intention to help you. Doesn't that part matter more? And I can also see what your intentions are. You-”

Jax rolled his eyes at her as if she was talking nonsense. “There it is again. You want to decide what I am thinking. This is just going in circles.” He pushed himself away from the wall, turning to leave.

Ragatha panicked and reached out. “Jax-”

Jax batted her hand away without a second thought, giving her a look that immediately made her back away. Wrong decision. Maybe she shouldn't have tried to touch him. But he was trying to avoid this conversation again. What was she meant to do?

Ragatha felt her head spinning as she racked her own mind for a solution to all of this. She had no idea.

'We all go through and deal with things differently, and sometimes, you just need to let people do things their own way. As long as you're still there when they need you.'

Kinger's words echoed in her head. For a moment, Ragatha wondered if he was right even in this situation. Maybe she should just step away and give Jax space. He had asked her to leave him alone, so really, what right did she have to bother him more?

But that was easier said than done. Right now, Jax wasn't in a position where he could reach out. He denied himself that option. Even if he needed help, he wouldn't admit it. If she gave him space, they would just continue like they had these past few years. Jax would treat her like an enemy, like their friendship had meant nothing, while she was left to grieve what they had once had.

She couldn't withdraw fully.

Ragatha was careful about these words too, but she didn't fight to hold back her nervousness. Even if he didn't listen, he might find out that she was serious this way. “Jax, I won't push you. I know you think this is about me, but I... I really, really don't want to hurt you. Pomni doesn't either. We just want to help. So, I won't push. If you need anything, anytime, come to one of us. We won't ask questions.”

Unsurprisingly, Jax turned even the most sincere offer into something to mock her. “If I needed help, I would certainly not come to you.”

Ragatha knew that. She also knew that it didn't have to be her. Pomni would probably be a better option. The problem was that Jax wouldn't ever communicate what he needed. “Tell me if we're not helping. If we're just making everything worse.”

“I don't need help, Raggy. I need you to stop wasting my time.”

“And I think you're lying when you say that.” Ragatha tried it again, offering the olive branch in the desperate hope that Jax would accept at some point. “I also think you were lying when you said all those other things.”

Jax pretended to be indifferent, but she could tell that he already prepared to smash all of her hopes. “What things?”

Ragatha's heartbeat almost drowned out her attempts to speak. “About you and Pomni not being friends. About...” She barely dared to say it. “About you and me not being friends.” She didn't look at Jax after. Not immediately because she knew what reaction would follow.

The chuckle that left him hurt enough. She didn't also have to look at his face.

Yet, Ragatha found herself glancing up. Her sight was blurred now, but she refused to avert her gaze again. Even if she wasn't confident, she at least had to pretend that she was. “Don't just laugh.”

Jax was laughing anyway, holding his stomach as if he wanted to make his mood extra apparent. “What else am I supposed to do? Listen to yourself. You sound ridiculous.”

It was such an obvious provocation, but it was enough to make Ragatha ball her fists anyway. She tried to calm down and give Jax a moment so that he would stop making fun of her, but he only resumed. She found herself getting even madder, barely able to hold back. “So, you don't care about either of us? Neither Pomni nor me?” That came out as a mere whisper.

“Jeez, Dollface. You're really in the mood to joke today.” Jax pretended to wipe tears from his eyes as he kept chuckling.

Ragatha didn't know why she had expected anything else. She flexed her hand, then grasped her own wrist in an attempt to calm down. It took her longer than she wanted to admit. So long that she realized that Jax had stopped laughing in the meantime and was just watching her. Surely, he could tell that his words had hurt her. He wouldn't do anything about that though. He never did.

The best option now was to give up and step away. Ragatha couldn't keep pushing when Jax didn't offer her any indication that her meddling had a positive impact.

Still, a part of her refused. She desperately wanted to dig more, to find at least a small opening that justified her efforts.

And even though it was pathetic, Ragatha tried again. “You didn't reply properly. If all of what you said was true...” It hurt her so much to even say this. What if she was wrong after all? “If nothing we had mattered at all, look me in my face and tell me again.”

It was a dangerous game she was playing here.

She knew that she had lost as Jax smirked at her again. “Are you sure you really want to hear that? 'Cause I can tell you all about that.”

“I don't want to hear it. But if you can look me in my eyes and say it, I will leave you alone.” That was the only justification she could give herself. If she failed here, she had to give Jax the space he had asked for. Ragatha had also essentially marked a red circle around her forehead and handed Jax a metaphorical gun though.

And Jax never missed a chance to hit a weak target.

“Okay, then.” Jax's grin only seemed to widen as he crouched down before her, bringing his face right in front of hers. When he said her name with that sadistic glee, it only seemed to hurt more. “Hey, Ragatha. I hate you. Really, everything you do grinds my gears. That fake smile pisses me off too.” He tapped his index onto her forehead before gesturing somewhere into the distance. “I'm happiest when you're faaaaaar away from me. Got it?”

Ragatha had already backed away a bit as his finger touched her. A small motion had felt like a bullet. His words were even worse though, making her stumble a bit further.

It hurt. Stupidly, foolishly, it hurt so much that she wanted to run away and hide in her room until she could fake a smile again.

But she had asked for this, hadn't she? Here her response was. Maybe Jax did have some issues that kept him from making friends, but he didn't have to like her. If she was honest, most of his actions implied that he couldn't stand her. She didn't want to accept that, but was playing the fool to justify bothering Jax when he had shut her down wise?

God, she was so stupid.

Ragatha blinked. She had to step back. “Yes. I...” She had wanted to say that she would leave him alone now, as promised. Her voice died in the middle though. How embarrassing. She was the one who had asked for this. It still brought tears to her eye.

Really, what a great plan. It had totally backfired.

Ragatha fought to wear her typical smile, which should have been able to cover up her personal involvement in this. She would simply say that it was fine now. That she would leave Jax alone and take care of herself a little. But somehow, she couldn't even begin to mumble a goodbye. She just stood there and played with her hands, not daring to look up.

The silence made it even worse. It was too obvious by now, too-

Jax's voice interrupted the quiet. “You told me to say it.” He sounded amused still, but there was that slight edge to his voice. One that didn't seem to belong.

Ragatha slowly tilted her head up again, almost without thinking about it.

Jax's smile didn't reach his eyes anymore, leaving an expression that would have been fine for anyone else but seemed unfitting for Jax. It looked fake. “Why are you looking at me like that? You told me to say it.” Jax sounded like he was telling himself that more than he was telling her.

Ragatha didn't even have to speak. She just stared at his face.

And somehow, that was enough to make Jax's smile fade. For a split second, Ragatha saw that anger he usually hid behind stupid jokes or tricks. But only for a split second. Jax didn't let her see any more since he just turned around and walked away, disappearing around the corner without looking back.

He left Ragatha behind, just standing there. She didn't follow but also didn't turn away. She was simply motionless for a while before lowering her gaze to stare at her own hands. Was she imagining it? Was she jumping through hoops to justify reading more into Jax's actions than she should? But hadn't that reaction just now at least implied some complicated emotion?

If Jax just hated her, he shouldn't have a problem mocking her. He should be able to spit those words in her face and laugh at her when she got upset, especially when she had demanded the conversation. Why had he looked at her like that just now?

If he didn't care, he had just made a big mistake.

Ragatha had been a second away from believing him again, only for him to immediately let her see something that broke the facade. She would cling to that idea now. At least until tomorrow, when Jax would unwillingly either prove or discard her theory. Because even if he could lie to her face, he couldn't keep his pride from showing if he felt like he had been caught.

If Jax believed that his mask had slipped right there, tomorrow would be even worse than today. Ragatha could only hold on and wait.

______________

It was worse.

Ragatha knew that this was a good thing since it proved that Jax felt threatened by her attempts to talk to him. It didn't feel like a good thing when she constantly ended up being thrown around like a rag doll though.

“This adventure is quite...something. Ha ha...” Calling it sadistic might more appropriate. Ragatha tried to keep her enthusiasm though, even as she saw cotton falling from the holes random spikes had left in her chest. She hadn't stepped aside in time.

Zooble shot her a glare in return, silently saying what everyone had to be thinking. They cursed under their breath as they looked down the hallway Jax had disappeared into. Because in reality, Ragatha had stepped aside easily, only for Jax to just hurl her toward the wall. Of everyone here, Zooble seemed to be most aware that there was a problem they hadn't been told about.

In contrast, Pomni was running around, gathering as much of the puffy white cotton as she could before it blew away. Then she returned to Ragatha's side. “Here. I got some of your cotton. I'm not sure if it helps, but we can't have you lose too much.”

“Thanks, Pomni. I'm sorry. I should have paid more-”

Ragatha's apology was interrupted as Zooble turned towards them. “I think it's time you tell us what you had to talk about with that a§%#§!$ yesterday. Whatever it was, he didn't like it.”

Ragatha's smile faded a bit. It hadn't been very subtle, had it? “Oh, that? I asked him to stop being like that with Pomni. I knew he wouldn't take it well, but this is...” It might be a more personal grudge.

Pomni understood easily. She kept her eyes on Ragatha but stayed quiet until the rag doll had stuffed some of her cotton back into her chest. She waited for Zooble to step away a bit and then leaned over to whisper. “What did you say?”

Ragatha gave up on pretending to be happy. She shrugged with one shoulder while holding the other. “It wasn't something I said. Just... I insisted that he cares about you, and I think I caught the mask slip. He doesn't like losing.”

And unfortunately, Caine had picked the perfect adventure for Jax to get revenge. The maze-like structure they were in resembled a child's playground. It was so colorful that Ragatha's eyes stung, and the plastic floors were quite slippery. The main problem was the number of traps here though. After all, today's adventure was an obstacle course. And it got even worse.

After each obstacle, a podium with a button stood. Pressing it made the obstacle even harder, usually adding another component. Upon finding that out, Jax had suddenly doubled his pace and decided to press every single button he could. He only seemed to slow down when he realized that the rest of the group fell too far behind and he couldn't mess with them anymore. Ragatha didn't like admitting it, but he was good at what he did.

The group was almost at the exit now, but Jax had already managed to push out Kinger and Gangle a while ago. Pomni and Ragatha were only in the game because Zooble had tried to protect them to spite a certain rabbit. They were already quite torn apart though, having been put through every imaginable form of pain this adventure could provide. It was quite pitiful.

All of this had been a team exercise in the first place. Meaning that Jax hadn't needed to defeat anyone and also wouldn't get a prize for being the first to reach the goal.

Ragatha pushed herself back to her feet after getting tidied up as much as she could. She tried to show some of the enthusiasm that was expected of her. “Well, then. Let's move on. Stay close and be careful.”

A useless request.

The next room had a tilted floor that made Ragatha assume the worst. She spotted the giant bowling ball on the other end and the corresponding red button too.

And there by the button, a familiar figure was already waiting. Pomni called out to him as a warning, but Jax merely waved toward them. He pressed the button too, of course.

This one hurt quite a bit.

Ragatha almost wanted to stay on the floor after being rolled over like that, but she peeled herself off the plastic and got back to her feet. “Uhm...” She stumbled a bit before looking around. “Are you okay, Guys?”

The reply came with a low grumble. Pomni lay flat on the floor as well and merely raised a hand to show her an upturned thumb.

“Pomni!” Ragatha ran over to help her friend. Luckily, their digital bodies kept them from being crushed, but their energy was slowly but surely being sapped, so it took a moment to get Pomni to move.

Pomni groaned again but sat up anyway. Her eyes narrowed at the door in front of them as soon as she had composed herself again. “What a great adventure. And it's not even Caine's fault.” She stood up as well while stretching a bit. “I heard Zooble scream, so I think they were knocked off. Do you see them?”

Ragatha turned back, her mouth flattening into a line as soon as she found the seemingly bottomless pit behind them. “I don't think...”

“Right.” Pomni threw her head back and let out something that sounded like a mix of a scream and a huff of air. “I'm tired of this already.”

The difference between Pomni now and the Pomni during the gun adventure a few days back was so stark that Ragatha couldn't miss it. She would lie if she claimed that she hadn't been worried about something else entirely back then, but now Ragatha wished they could go back. All of this was so useless.

But the more Ragatha thought about it, the sadder she got. So, she pushed herself to move forward. “I'm too. But it can't be much further. Let's keep going.”

At least she had been correct about that.

They rounded the next two corners, only for a giant neon sign to come into view. “There's the exit! Let's go, Pomni!”

Pomni was more hesitant, especially as she found another sign next to the one announcing an exit. “A piranha pool? Great. This is exactly what we needed.” Oh. She was right.

Ragatha blinked at the warning sign. “Well, usually, I would hope that the piranhas won't eat cotton, but Caine likes bending the logic on these things. So...”

Pomni already pointed over her shoulder. “Maybe we should go back and let another bowling ball roll over us. That might be less painful.” She stayed still for a moment, just letting her head hang down. When she had gathered enough courage, she nodded at Ragatha though. As much as she wanted to avoid the confrontation, it was bound to happen.

Ragatha prepared for the sight even before she pushed open the door. She still felt her stomach drop. “Oh, no.”

Jax was already there, standing at the very end of the obstacle course. The banner behind him spelled 'VICTORY!', but the two buttons before him implied that they were still far away from the exit.

A glance down revealed the feared piranha pool below them, with only two thin paths leading from the entrance to the platform Jax stood on. It would be a balancing act. Something Ragatha struggled with anyway, but when a certain bunny was here, she could forget even trying.

“Hey, Guys! Looks like you finally made it!” Jax faked that excitement well at the moment. Or maybe he really looked forward to troubling them again.

Pomni had barely set her eyes on him when she already yelled. “Haven't you pressed enough buttons today? Would it kill you to be normal for five minutes?” Any other day, it might have sounded funny. Pomni was shaking with anger today though.

Jax ignored it. “Where would be the fun in that? Come on, Pom Pom.”

Pomni seemed to be prepared to bite back, only to falter at the last moment. The nickname alone hurt her. Ragatha took note immediately.

Jax didn't pay attention to that either though. “Besides, now that you hurt my feelings, I'm gonna have to get back at you.”

Pomni muttered the reply under her breath. “You would have done that anyway.” She shook her head to herself before stepping closer to Ragatha to whisper to her. “Let's split up. He can only press one button.”

Looking at the contraption, Ragatha wasn't sure. Jax could just press both, and the obstacle course might not stop him despite it. It was worth a try though.

So, she ended up picking the left bridge while Pomni took the right. They inched forward slowly, waiting for the decision to be made. If either of them fell, the other could at least run forward and get to the exit.

Meanwhile, Jax made it out to be a game. He let his finger hover over the button panel and kept grinning at the both of them. “Oh, which button to press~” He let out a chuckle. “Who likes piranhas less?”

The question was useless.

He would choose Pomni. He had to, at least in that twisted logic he had laid out for himself, so that he could prove that their friendship meant nothing. His relationship with Pomni was fresher, so it would take more effort to drive her away now.

Ragatha could let it happen. It didn't matter now when they had been crushed, stabbed and thrown around already. But she still remembered Pomni's defeated expression from before. She didn't want her friend to be hurt more.

And maybe a more selfish thought came to her too.

It was unfair that Jax seemed to be so indifferent when Ragatha felt like her inside was filled with needles whenever she looked at him. Didn't he at least owe her a reaction too when she constantly had to endure everything he threw at her?

“Jax.” Ragatha found herself speaking before she could think about it. Jax's attention came to her, only for a moment. It was enough for her to say what she knew would hurt him most. “Remember how close we used to be?”

It was like a switch was flipped. Jax's smile disappeared to leave behind that familiar anger she feared so much.

Ragatha didn't see it for long though. She knew that he had pressed the button as soon as the wall next to her opened up, something shooting out of it. A boxing glove, she presumed. Ragatha wouldn't know since it shoved her off the platform immediately.

“Ra-”

The sound of Pomni's voice disappeared as Ragatha dropped into the icy water. She could only hear the dull ringing of her ears now and feel the cold liquid on what should have been her skin. She didn't bother swimming up when she knew that her fabric would only suck up the water and pull her down. It was only a few seconds until the game ended anyway. It didn't matter.

And maybe she also didn't want to face the anger she had elicited.

Ragatha prepared to be attacked by these fake piranhas soon and braced for the pain. It didn't come though. Instead, a hand grasped her and pulled her up. Her blurry sight wavered even more until she was brought to the surface. She broke through and finally got to breathe again.

Next to her, Pomni panted too. She gurgled on some of the water but kept holding onto Ragatha to drag her forward. It took some effort, but she managed to hurl Ragatha's body out of the water somehow and followed her a moment later.

The both of them just lay there for a moment and kept breathing heavily, coughing to get the water out of their bodies. Ragatha stared up at the colorful ceiling when she finally understood.

Pomni had saved her.

Ragatha slowly turned her head to glance at the jester beside her.

Pomni also struggled a bit, but she sat up quicker and focused on Ragatha immediately. “Are you okay?” She reached over to help Ragatha sit up.

Ragatha could barely move because her limbs were so heavy. She tried to sit anyway. “Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.” She blinked a few times, trying to process this. Had Pomni really jumped in to save her when she could just have run to the exit? The more Ragatha thought about it, the more touched she was. “Really, thank you. I didn't-”

Pomni put on a little smile. “Well, I wasn't going to let those piranhas eat you. Let's slowly...” Her voice trailed off as she heard a sound that immediately made her smile die. She glanced over her shoulder, making Ragatha follow his gaze.

Jax stood behind Pomni. Seemingly, he had come to laugh at the situation. “You look a little roughed up there, Rags. Need help?”

Pomni looked away without another word. She spoke before Ragatha could insult him. “Let's just leave.” She wrapped an arm around Ragatha's shoulder to pull her up, only to struggle immediately.

Ragatha hurriedly spoke up. “I'm a bit too heavy to move. My cotton sucks up water.”

“Oh, yeah.” Pomni scanned her friend for a moment before she tried again, this time while already getting to her feet. “It's okay, I will help you.”

Instantly, Ragatha felt her throat dry. Somehow, she almost wanted to cry because Pomni was so nice to her right now. She couldn't believe it. “Oh, I hope that's fine.”

The moment was interrupted as Jax inserted himself into the conversation. “Hey.” He snapped his fingers two times, but Pomni still refused to look at him. “Are you ignoring me now? Really?”

Pomni did just that. “Don't worry. We'll have Caine fix you in no time.” She allowed Ragatha to lean onto her. Then she started limping toward the exit.

Ragatha decided to keep her mouth shut too. As they passed Jax, she denied herself the urge to check what he was doing right now and merely focused on taking one step after the other.

It was only at the finish line that she glanced over her shoulder.

It shouldn't have been a surprise. Jax hated not being the center of attention. But after that whole debacle today and yesterday, he shouldn't be surprised that they wouldn't want to talk to him. Yet, ignoring him for two minutes seemed to be enough to wipe that smile off his face.

Why was he having that expression now? Jax was the one who caused problems and then walked off like nothing had happened. The one to exit conversations whenever they annoyed him. He had just done the same to Ragatha yesterday. But if they were the ones walking away from him, it seemed to bother him after all.

It only cemented Ragatha's understanding of his act.

Jax pretended to treat them like everyone else, to be indifferent even when he tormented them specifically. But Jax wanted to be perceived nonetheless. If he didn't care about either of them, that wouldn't be the case, would it?

At least Ragatha told herself that while praying that the next days wouldn't get even worse in revenge for this.

 

Chapter 4: Names to Call a Friend

 

Maybe she should have known. It was like Jax had made it his duty to prove that they couldn't ignore him during the next few days. He had been unbearable before, but somehow, he managed to be worse.

Ragatha woke up to centipedes every single day. When they weren't in her bed, they were in her wardrobe and at the door. By now, she even found them in her food somehow.

Pomni proved to be a real blessing because she wasn't scared of those wiggly monsters. She just threw them out without wasting a second thought on them. It didn't protect her from everything Jax did to her during the adventures though. Pomni dealt with it by ignoring Jax as much as she could, which only seemed to rile him up more.

Ragatha felt herself get more exhausted after barely a week had passed. She had considered talking to Jax again but decided that he needed time to calm down. Admittedly, that might just have been an excuse for her to grant herself more time. It was overdue, but she could use a few days to calm down before he threw the next painful insult at her face while smiling like she was the idiot here. Meanwhile, she also tried to avoid Jax.

The word 'tried' did a lot of heavy lifting, since it wasn't very successful.

In adventures, Jax naturally gravitated towards everyone he could torment. Outside of them, Ragatha kept finding him in her field of view whenever his pranks hit. She presumed he wanted to see her reaction to his lovely gifts, and as much as she wanted to be calm in those moments, she did end up yelling at him occasionally.

The tension was obvious to everyone. Gangle and Zooble kept asking about it. Even Kinger had alluded to it at this point, so Ragatha knew that they would have to give an explanation soon. She didn't feel ready for it. She doubted she would ever be, knowing that Jax would probably snap if she went around telling everyone that they had once been friends.

But then again, maybe they were past that point already.

It was during an adventure that luckily offered fewer chances to hurt anyone, having put them on a mid-sized fishing boat in the middle of a calm lake. The task here was simply to catch fish and reach a certain amount. Of course, Jax was messing with Pomni anyway. He threw fish at her and had even tried to push her off the boat a couple of times.

Ragatha had just come back from fishing Gangle's comedy mask from the lake on the other side of the boat when she found her friend in the middle of another argument. She stifled a sigh. “Hey, Pomni.”

Pomni looked like she was about to explode and only calmed down a little as she spotted Ragatha. She still glared at Jax, who kept chuckling like it was the epitome of humor to have stuck two fish to Pomni's hat. “Hey...” She paused here. That was the only thing that gave away her thought process before she continued. “Glad to see you, Raggy.”

It had been that single word that made Jax freeze up.

Pomni didn't look at him but instead pulled the fish off the bells on her hat and threw them back into the lake. “Did you find her mask?”

Ragatha should have replied, but her gaze had shot to Jax instead. She tensed unwillingly despite knowing that it was a non-issue. Usually, Pomni wasn't one to use nicknames like that, but what harm would it cause?

Apparently, the harm was to Jax's ego because he didn't like that at all.

Maybe he thought he was being subtle, but the way his smile widened to that creepy version while he slowly turned his head toward Ragatha said it all. He was completely silent but just grinned at her. Like he expected, no, demanded that she correct Pomni and explain that she couldn't use that name. Because, in his head, that was his nickname for Ragatha, and no one else got to use it. Even after all those years, that didn't seem to have changed.

Someone who hated conflict would give in to the more aggressive force here, to make sure that Jax couldn't make a big deal out of this.

But Ragatha wasn't in the mood to surrender to him, especially because he was slowly frustrating her. Who was he to act like he had any special rights to a nickname when he treated her like garbage most of the time? And Ragatha was a bit surprised, but she certainly wouldn't complain that Pomni felt closer to her now. It was something she encouraged and looked at with joy.

Normally, her heart would have skipped with happiness. The fact that Jax had taken that away from her by making her fuss over his reaction first did bother her.

Maybe that petty thought was what made Ragatha smile like nothing was wrong. “We actually did. I was a bit surprised myself, but it was intact.” She came closer to Pomni and whispered to her. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Nothing special happened. Just you know...” Pomni pretended to pinch her nonexistent nose. “That fishy smell everywhere.”

“It is quite obtrusive. Makes you wonder why Caine thought that a necessary addition here.” Ragatha hoped that she seemed unbothered as she spoke. Soon, she found her eyes wandering back to the ticking bomb here though.

She saw his hand twitch. There it was. He was getting upset.

Like always, Jax wouldn't take even such a small perceived slight in silence. He had to get back at them now, and he wouldn't delay this until later. And Ragatha knew that she was the main target this time, for whatever reason. The way his eyes stayed on her as his smile grew gave it away.

Now he would hurt her on purpose. She already knew before he opened his mouth.

But Jax scared her even more since he didn't stay where he was and instead came over to them. “It's weird. I mean, I knew you were desperate to make friends, Raggy...” He said that name like it was an insult now.

Ragatha found herself flinching a bit as she almost expected him to put a fishing hook into her head and throw her overboard immediately.

Instead, Jax did something only slightly better and wrapped an arm around her shoulder to pull her over to him. His grin was right next to her face now as he pushed his finger into her cheek. “I knew you were clinging to Pomni over here in the hope that she could bear your presence because no one else can.” Another comment that hurt her more than she wanted to admit.

Pomni understood his intentions quickly too, shifting to a much harsher tone. “Jax, stop-”

“But you were so mad at her a few weeks ago. Remember? When she left you for dead in front of Kaufy? You were so frustrated you never got an apology for that.” Jax used that fake sympathetic tone now. He spoke as if he wanted to help, even when he couldn't hide the glee that swam with every word meant to hurt Ragatha. He finished each sentence by tapping her cheek harshly, as if to rub in his words even more.

If it was a simple lie, it would be easy to ignore. But once again, Jax had seen through Ragatha, even though she hadn't told him. It wasn't something small either. This could seriously damage her relationship with Pomni.

So, Ragatha should explain herself, hurriedly speak up to stop him. But as she stared right into Jax's eyes, no words formed in her mouth. It felt like her entire body was in paralysis.

Jax's gaze shifted to Pomni now, but he still didn't let go of Ragatha and instead held her shoulders with such force that it hurt. “Isn't that messed up? That Raggy would be mad at you for protecting yourself? It was your first day, and she just expects you to throw your well-being away for her! Because that's how Raggy thinks. It's aaaaaall about her and how she feels and how she wants to be the good guy. Really, if you ask me, she has a savior complex.” He nuzzled his cheek against Ragatha's. It made a mockery of a motion that should be affectionate but only felt like an insult now.

And yet, Ragatha was still frozen in place. She had to argue back now. She knew that. She couldn't let Pomni believe that she was that-

“You are one to talk about complexes.” Pomni stepped toward them, only coming to a halt when she was an arm-length away. She was angry, Ragatha could tell. But right now, she spoke with carefully chosen words instead of wrath. “Jax, I think you're scared of people like Ragatha.”

That wasn't a response anyone here had expected.

Jax blinked at her. He took a moment before he burst out laughing. “Oh, now you're being ridiculous. Scared? Yeah, Raggy here is really intimidating. Never seen such a horrifying rag doll in my life.” He pulled her closer to him and patted her head in that patronizing way, still not caring about how he smothered her.

Ragatha parted her lips to ask for space but ended up not saying it when she met Pomni's gaze for a moment.

Pomni didn't seem mad at her. In fact, her expression softened as she gave a small nod. She immediately became sterner when she focused on Jax though. “You already admitted it. Remember the stargazing adventure?”

Ragatha tensed at the reminder of that awful moment. She almost didn't notice that Jax tensed too, but with how close he was, he couldn't quite hide it.

Pomni resumed without any reaction to it though, so she might not have noticed. “You said that you felt like Ragatha is so kind that she is taking advantage of you. That she is trying too hard. You can't deal with how nice she is to you. You struggle to push her away when she gives you no reason to. So, you made her out to be a manipulator. Because that's the only way you can justify keeping her at a distance.”

What?

Ragatha turned her head slightly to figure out whether Pomni was just grasping at straws here or if Jax had actually said something like that about her.

And just for a split second, Jax glanced at her too.

Then he abruptly let go of her and shoved her away from him. “Oh, jeez. There you go with the assumptions again. Didn't Caine teach you last time? He repeated that joke so often.” Jax vaguely gestured toward Pomni. “Stop projecting whatever goes on in your pea brains onto me.”

Pomni was by Ragatha's side a split second later, pulling her back to her feet. Whereas her friend was still busy processing this, she already had her answer ready. “I think you are the one doing the projection. Because you refuse to believe that anyone genuinely cares. You always have an excuse for why it's a trick or insincere. When we tell you that you're wrong, you refuse to listen.”

Jax didn't want to show a reaction now either, so of course, he could only push more. “What makes you so sure you're not wrong about me?” He said it as a challenge meant to take away his opponent's certainty.

But Pomni wasn't intimidated. “The fact that you flinched when I called Ragatha 'Raggy'.” She paused as if to let that sink in before she released what she had held back. “You're upset we're getting closer now. Because you cared about both of us but shut us out the same way. Seeing us together now has to be your worst nightmare.” Pomni was good at this. Maybe too good.

Ragatha could pinpoint the exact moment when Jax cracked.

“Ha.”

That came out with so much bitterness that it almost made Ragatha flinch.

Jax somehow still held onto his smile, but it did nothing to hide how upset he was. “You think you're so clever, don't you?” He took a step forward. “When did I ever make you think I cared about you or that rag doll over there? Didn't I tell you already?” He was much louder now, almost yelling but not quite. It was like he had to announce it so openly.

It was meant to scare them into staying quiet, Ragatha was sure.

But again, Pomni didn't allow it to work on her. “You don't have to do that when it's just us three, Jax. We both see through you.”

Another crack.

Jax gritted his teeth for a moment before taking another step forward. He was towering above them now, spitting the next rejection in their faces. “You're delusional. I don't care. And I'll gladly make your lives a living hell if I get a laugh out of it. Got it?”

Ragatha was scared of him when he was like that. She couldn't help but be when her brain yelled at her to take cover and avoid what would happen if she pushed further.

It was Pomni's voice that freed her from her trance. “Say it a couple more times. Maybe then you'll believe it yourself.” Pomni tugged at Ragatha's arm. “Let's go, Raggy.” She said it again. This time, it had to have been on purpose.

It was also the last thing Pomni said in that conversation. She had meant it when she told Ragatha to step aside with her.

Ragatha could only look back and find what she had expected. It was really bad right now.

It was the first time in a while that she had seen Jax struggling to keep his smile upright like this.

______________

The end of that adventure was indeed close to the living hell Jax had promised.

Somehow, Jax had found a way to start breaking the boat apart. As they slowly sank, no one could do anything about it anymore. And even worse, Jax had also realized that the portable radio on board created a vaguely realistic electric current. It landed in the water mere seconds later.

Ragatha didn't remember how often she had gotten electrocuted. Again, fabric shouldn't be affected by electricity like that, but Caine didn't seem to care. As she dragged herself back through the portal, she realized that she was once again full of water and struggled to move.

Pomni helped her get back to her room, where they had to wring out some water from Ragatha's cotton. Afterwards, Pomni had secured a blow-dryer from Caine to dry the rest of her friend. Maybe they should have just asked Caine to reset them, but Ragatha had only realized that too late. Another indication that she was struggling hard right now.

When Pomni finally turned the blow-dryer off, she threw it into the corner of the room. “So, that just proved that it does bother him when we're together.” She rolled over and lay on Ragatha's bed, her head hanging down the edge of the mattress. She looked more than exhausted. “I don't understand why he wants to hurt us so badly. I get that he's trying to tell himself that he doesn't care...”

Ragatha watched her friend for a moment without being sure what to say. It was difficult to put into words. “It's not just that. It's also to keep us away. Because he can't force himself to hold a distance for long. So he wants us to choose to distance ourselves from him.” Ragatha closed her eyes for a moment. “It worked with me once.”

Now that she looked back with a slightly different headspace, it was quite obvious. Jax had put so much effort into alienating her. She had played right into his hands by going along with it and putting herself into an opposing position.

She heard Pomni next to her shift. She still lay with her head down but reached out to pat the side of Ragatha's arm. “That isn't your fault, Ragatha. He's just hurting himself with all of this.”

It was all Jax ever did. But he wouldn't admit that to himself or anyone else.

“He wouldn't be Jax if he was easy to deal with.” Ragatha had wanted to make a small joke, but it didn't cheer her up much. Instead, she merely sat there and played with her hands while trying not to let her emotions get to her.

Maybe it had been obvious.

Pomni's expression slowly became more solemn. “Ragatha, I'm starting to think... Maybe we should give it a break.” She sat up and gestured toward her friend. “Not give up, but take some time for ourselves. You...haven't been looking so happy recently. And I feel like pushing even more right now is just going to make it worse.”

It was like she knew that this was the exact thing Ragatha struggled with. She had told herself to hold back with it, hadn't she? Kinger had reminded her to take time for herself. But when it came to Pomni, Gangle or Zooble, that might work. When it was Jax, it wouldn't do much to give him space.

“I don't know. A part of me thinks that...” Ragatha glanced down at her hands again. They shook even as she tried to hold them still. “He'll shut down, and it will be even more difficult to get anything through to him if I don't... You know, like last time. I don't want to go on like this for the next couple of years. He gave me no opening for so long. He's only so easy to anger because the argument with you is still fresh. If we don't do it now...”

They might never get the chance again.

But that thought only prompted the small one in the back of Ragatha's mind. The one that made her wonder what she should do if they were wrong after all. If Jax truly couldn't care less and would happily spit in their faces. She didn't want to believe that, but...

All of this was so complicated.

Ragatha groaned quietly as she held her head. She still had no idea how to reach out without ignoring Jax's boundaries even more. No idea how to move forward without hurting Pomni or herself even more. It felt like they were steering right toward a cliff, so they desperately needed to do something. The question was what.

The more Ragatha's thoughts spiraled, the more they went to the past. To the root of all of this. To a better time when Jax had been frustrating but still kind to her and the others.

It made way for a selfish thought.

Ragatha wanted to talk about what had happened so badly. She knew that this wasn't her story and that, if Jax somehow found out, he would be more than hurt that she had brought it up. But it was what explained his behavior best. Ragatha had never had the chance to speak about it before either. Only Jax had been there early enough to remember, and he wouldn't ever discuss the topic.

“Pomni, can I show you something?” The words came out of Ragatha's mouth before she could stop herself. She didn't want to hold back either. “I know I said that it wasn't my place to tell you. I still don't think it is. But I want to give context.”

Pomni's gaze jumped to her friend. She offered her full attention immediately. “Of course. I'm listening.”

Ragatha had what she wanted now. Still, the stinging in her chest made her feel guilty. She forced herself to get to her feet. She didn't dare say another word as she crept forward.

Opening the door took more courage than it should have. In the hallway, Ragatha came to a stop as she hurriedly looked around. A part of her almost expected Jax to show up and derail the plan before it had started.

He didn't.

Instead, Pomni came to her side and took her hand in hers. “It's okay. We can go slowly.” Her expression gave away how much grief had to show on Ragatha's.

The memories hurt. Ragatha should have processed it after all those years, but abstraction was never something you fully got over. Slowly, she walked forward, gently pulling Pomni with her to the door she tried so hard to ignore each time she came here.

There, Ragatha stopped again. She didn't dare touch the door handle, even though it should be such an easy motion.

Pomni had already understood. She didn't say a word as she waited for Ragatha to take her time.

Finally, Ragatha forced herself to push the door open. It wasn't locked. She wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Making this single step into the room was so nauseating that she almost threw up. The air felt much thinner now.

Minutes passed in silence like that. While Pomni looked around with curiosity, Ragatha didn't dare lift her head. She just kept staring at the floor and trying hard to maintain her self-control.

It was Pomni who eventually broke the silence. “Do you need a break?”

Ragatha hadn't even started, and she did. Wonderful. She closed her eye for a moment as she struggled to speak the first words. Those would be the hardest. “This room belonged to...”

Pomni gave her some time. She only continued when Ragatha didn't. “To the character on the door?”

And that question was what opened up the gates.

Ragatha suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to share all the good she connected with this room, even if it inevitably led to less happy memories. It risked tearing open all of those wounds from back then, but she couldn't help it.

“Their name was Ribbit. They were...Jax's best friend. Long before you came here. Or Zooble or Gangle.” It was a mere whisper that came out. Ragatha's voice only found some strength as she let her gaze wander across the room, finding so many little items she recognized. “They were quite the funny person. Always cracking jokes and cheering everyone up. They did bring me to my limit with their stupid pranks, but those were never ill-spirited. It always got a laugh from everyone.”

There, in the corner, was that desk Ribbit had always sat on while crafting their new prank items. Ragatha remembered catching them in the middle of it a couple of times, which had led to them hiding their new work behind their back, claiming that it wasn't ready. Their utensils were still lying on the desk there, just like the agitating confetti gun they had shot after almost every adventure. Ragatha could still hear their bellowing laughter ringing in her head.

And, after a specific day, only silence.

“We didn't see it coming. Neither Jax nor I. Maybe we should have, spending every day with them. But they were our first abstraction. We...had no idea it was even a thing until then. Well, I mean, Kinger did, but-” Ragatha got herself more and more upset, only stopping at the end when it became almost too much. Her sight blurred due to her tears again, so she forced herself to blink. This wasn't about her. “Jax took it hard. He wasn't...easy before. I won't claim that he was. But after that, he just...” She weakly shook her head. “He refused to let anything show. As soon as the tears dried up, he pretended like nothing had happened.”

More memories came back to her.

Memories of holding Jax the day of the abstraction. Her fear of losing him as well. Flashes of the funeral Ragatha had left early because she had been scared Jax would choke on his cries back in his room. After that, memories of knocking on Jax's door and asking if he was fine. Of never being allowed in again.

Ragatha reached up to wipe over her eye. “Suddenly, he refused to speak to me. To even see me when I wanted to ask if he was fine. I tried for weeks, but he just pushed harder. And that was when I asked if... If I had done something wrong. That was when he gave the entire speech he gave you too. It's when he decided that he couldn't regard us as friends or even acquaintances but as...toys.”

By now, she wasn't even sure of how the conversation had started. She just remembered random bits of it. Her mind had always tried to forget most of that day, hoping to push away the grief of losing a second friend just after the first one had disappeared. To push away the guilt of not being able to help either of them.

“It's not that you did anything wrong. Or that Jax doesn't care.” Ragatha slowly forced herself to glance over at Pomni. She could barely read her expression due to her tears. “It's because he already lost someone. He can't take another scar, so he refuses to let anyone close. If he does form some kind of bond, he risks losing them again. So he'd rather push them away before it hurts.”

She said that so confidently, but she was truly just guessing in the dark, wasn't she? Maybe she was also telling herself this because it hurt less like this. Because it absolved her of all guilt. If so, wasn't that quite pathetic?

But Ragatha wanted to believe it. Especially when she stood in this room, where she looked back at all the memories they had made years ago.

A squeaky toy in the corner of the room attracted her attention

Ragatha felt drawn to it immediately. She let go of Pomni to walk over. “Here...” As her fingers touched the rubber-like texture, she found herself brushing over it as if to wipe the dust off. There was no dust in the digital realm at all, but it felt like there should be some here. “They kept bringing this with them. They would keep it hidden until you forgot and then...”

She squeezed.

The high-pitched sound was so familiar. Back then, it had brought nothing but joy. But now it was merely bitter.

“They'd just suddenly distract everyone after a bad day. It's so stupid, but it... It worked.” Ragatha let out a little huff as she put the toy down again, being so careful that it barely made a sound. She opened her mouth to say something else after, maybe to share more stories with Pomni. But she had no chance to do so.

The creak of the door sent a shiver down her spine. It made her alert before she even heard his voice.

“What are you doing in here?”

 

Chapter 5: Use Me

 

Ragatha froze in place. In an instant, the previous melancholy was replaced with dread that sank in slowly and formed a lump in her throat.

Why was Jax here now? Why in the one moment when she had done something that would get under his skin? It felt like a cruel prank was being played on both of them.

Ragatha could almost feel Jax's eyes on her back. She didn't want to face him. A part of her subconsciousness seemed to hope he would leave if she just kept staring at the wall. Ragatha knew better.

She turned slowly. So slowly that she barely moved.

Jax had pushed open the door just slightly. The light refused to fall into the room, seeming to wait at the doorstep behind him. It left him standing there, blocking out the only light source in this room, and threw his shadow toward them. Neither he nor the others moved, leaving them at a standstill.

His expression was blank.

Ragatha could tell he was upset at a glance. He wasn't trying to hide it right now, and she knew that he wouldn't just swallow that emotion either. He would throw it at the people he blamed for this provocation. It wasn't Pomni's fault though. It was Ragatha's. She was ready to take full responsibility for it.

“Jax...” Her voice barely reached a normal volume.

Before she could explain though, Jax already spoke. “Get out.” He pointed at the door, the motion so slow and subtle that it didn't match Jax's usual attitude at all.

It wasn't meant for Ragatha. She understood that even though he kept his eyes on her. He meant for her to stay here because he knew well who had opened up this room.

Pomni was the person who moved again first. “Ragatha, let's-”

“It's okay, Pomni. Let me deal with this one. Please. It's important.” Ragatha didn't glance over at her friend. She just kept staring at Jax.

For a moment, it seemed like Pomni wouldn't leave. She still searched for Ragatha's gaze as if she wanted to convince her friend to come with her. When Ragatha didn't, Pomni also made no move to exit the room. It was only when the silence refused to pass that Pomni took a slow step toward the door. As she walked past Jax, he only glanced at her for a split second.

Then Pomni was gone.

Ragatha knew that nothing she could say would make up for this. That she could talk and talk for hours and still not justify disturbing the rest of the dead. That any apology would be ignored. Still, she wanted to speak.

“Jax-”

“I asked what you are doing in here.” His voice lacked any of his typical intonation still.

Ragatha tensed nonetheless. She held her hands in front of her body as if that would protect her. “I wanted to explain...so that Pomni would understand.”

“Oh. Because there is something to understand.” Jax finally showed emotion again, but it wasn't a good one. Instead, his smile immediately slipped to reveal the anger that seeped through. With every word he said, he lost more control of it until he just spat the words at her. “You see, there's the whole thing again. About you so desperately trying to fix me. You think if you just look hard enough, you'll be rewarded with a soft core. And that means that Ragatha once again knew from the beginning and led the poor, lost soul the right way. Wow, what a nice story.”

Ragatha took a step back as he made one toward her. “Jax, please-”

“Don't.” Jax was louder now. His voice carried so much wrath that it seemed like another threat.

Ragatha wasn't quite scared of Jax, but it would be a lie to claim that he made her comfortable at the moment. She really felt like he was a step away from snapping. “I'm only trying to help.”

This time, Jax actually yelled. “You're not!” He took another step toward her, bitterness oozing out every word now. “This has nothing to do with you. I told you to leave me alone, and you just couldn't. Is that because you project so hard onto anyone around that you can't even listen to me anymore?”

He acted like she was the bad one. Like she only did all of this to hurt him.

Ragatha should be used to it, but she wasn't. And like always, Jax's behavior just fanned her emotions. She unwillingly became louder as well. “You lost someone you cared for! You are in pain! Is that so hard to admit?”

And she had done it again.

Jax came forward again, even as she backed away. His motions seemed more frantic despite him just gesturing to Ragatha and then the room around them. “I care about no one here. Not about any of you suckers now nor about anyone who lost their marbles years ago. I don't even remember their names.”

His reaction to this room alone had proven otherwise. He probably knew that too. His only option now was to play up the persona even more.

As soon as Jax caught himself, he abruptly stopped. The more he fought to hide his rage, the more it seemed to break apart the grin he tried and failed to put on. “You know what, Ragatha?” Another step forward. “At this point, I feel like I get you more. Maybe this isn't you just desperately searching for friends anymore. Maybe you're the one who's fundamentally broken. But you won't admit that. And because you can't fix yourself, you pretend to care about everyone else! That's why you cling to every new sucker here, suffocating them with your meaningless positivity.”

Ragatha's back finally hit the wall behind her. It made it impossible to bring more space between them, even though she absolutely wanted to.

She wasn't certain if Jax even noticed how scared she was. He seemed to be busy digging his verbal claws into the deepest pits of her insecurities. He cornered her against the wall, his face unpleasantly close to hers. It let her see every bit of disdain in his eyes. “Well, did it fix you yet? Do you feel any better? I sure hope so. Because it's getting more pathetic by the minute.”

He didn't lunge at her or scream anymore. His words hurt even more than before though.

Ragatha had always been the protector in this circus. The friendly caretaker who took newcomers under her wing and helped them get used to everything. Someone who tried to keep a good relationship with everyone while de-escalating arguments. It was a role Ragatha clung to, especially during the times when she felt like she couldn't do anything right. And right now, she felt that way often.

Kinger was right. Ragatha was very harsh on herself when she couldn't satisfy everyone. That was her greatest flaw, but was that really so bad? In the very least, it should be obvious that she tried her best.

Even to Jax. He couldn't be so blind. Not when she took time out of her day to take care of everyone here.

Or did he really not see?

Ragatha wanted a lot, but not a lot of it seemed to succeed. Her thoughts wouldn't translate to the real world just like that. Maybe this was her fault. Maybe she hadn't shown Jax enough of her emotions for him to believe her. She was always so open about wanting to help Jax in her mind. Even in front of other people, she admitted it.

When she was in front of Jax, her words failed her. It made it impossible to convey what she was feeling.

But even if Ragatha did tell him everything she felt, would it do much?

It wasn't just about him believing her. Even if he did, Jax wouldn't let anyone close. He couldn't. Because he both feared losing someone he cared about and because he refused to show weakness to anyone. If she wanted him to accept help, she couldn't paint the situation with him as a helpless victim. No, Jax always wanted to have control. If she wanted to do anything, she needed him to think it was something he was doing for himself, for fun. Not something he needed.

And the unfortunate reality was that Jax wouldn't allow them to come close in this situation right now. Not Ragatha. Not Pomni. Nor anyone else. Because he couldn't admit that he needed a friend. Not when he had put so much effort into pretending that he viewed them all as playthings, as characters only meant to...

The thought that came to Ragatha was a strange one. A desperate one that was solely formed because she saw how unstable Jax was. She was scared he would push himself over the edge soon, so she couldn't leave him alone.

But if he wouldn't let her close as a friend, as a person, maybe he would if he could declare her something else. Something that fit that facade he had put up.

It was a stupid idea, really. It was absolutely foolish. Ragatha doubted that it would work in the slightest. Even if it did, she wasn't sure how to go about this. She needed more time to think about this and the consequences.

But Jax stood right in front of her, and he was still so mad. If she didn't do anything, she might lose him here. She couldn't.

The air only seemed to become thinner. Ragatha had been silent for too long. She had to give an answer now.

And so, she just blurted it out.

“That doesn't matter, right?” Ragatha found her voice again at the last moment. Her words sounded a bit hollow as they filled the room, leaving nothing but silence.

Jax narrowed his eyes at her. He had no idea what she wanted, but he wasn't talking over her. It was a chance to make him listen.

Ragatha couldn't lose that. “How I feel. If I hurt. If I'm just coping with all of this. Aren't I just a toy for you to play with? If I'm only that, my feelings don't matter.” Saying it out loud felt strange for someone who always took care to treat everyone here as equal human beings.

But that didn't matter.

Jax wasn't manically cackling at her stupid comment. He just stood there and stared, not quite understanding what in God's name she was talking about. Maybe it wasn't a good sign, but he was listening.

“Isn't that what you said? That we are your playthings. Toys you hurt when you feel like it. So, really. It doesn't matter if I'm broken. You don't have to consider my feelings or anyone else's. I'm just a plaything, like they are.”

It was weird. Jax had thrown that word around in the first place. Now he didn't seem to like it very much. Each time she said it, he tensed a little more, looking at her like she had lost her mind.

Ragatha saw a reaction, and maybe that was what made her push more. “What matters is that you do what helps you. I can't tell you what that is. Only you can. But whatever you need, you can use me for it.”

Finally, Jax opened his mouth again. “What?” He really didn't understand.

Maybe this was the worst thing Ragatha had ever done, but she still continued. “If you want a distraction, have me entertain you. If you're bored, you can make me sit with you or play pranks on me. If you want to hurt someone, hurt me. I won't be upset or avoid you. I won't cry about it. I won't even speak if you don't want me to. Put centipedes into my room, throw me onto the rails in every adventure, shove me into a pool of piranhas. Shoot me a hundred times while looking me right in my eye. Go as far as you want to. If you enjoy seeing someone suffer, I'm here.”

It was a test. Ragatha couldn't claim that it wasn't. But she finally wanted to break that indifferent facade and force Jax to acknowledge that he wasn't the mastermind he claimed to be.

And it worked.

If Jax had wanted to make her believe that he was a sociopathic maniac, he should have laughed in her face here and said that he didn't need her permission to do whatever he wanted. In reality, it was the very opposite.

Ragatha was so nervous she could throw up. Still, she took a step forward. “I know that you're going through a tough time, so it's fine. But whatever it is you need, take it from me and not the others.”

This was the first time during this conversation that Jax backed away from her. Her victory only became obvious when she saw a completely new expression on his face, one that was somewhere between anger and genuine terror. “What's wrong with you?”

“I want to help you. It doesn't matter how much it takes.” Because she could deal with it.

It wasn't healthy. Ragatha knew that. But she was desperate. Whatever Jax could do to her, throw at her, whether he used words or actions, couldn't be worse than what she feared would happen to her if he broke because she hadn't been there in time. Whatever problems he had, they could fix those later. For now, he only had to survive.

He needed a distraction right now, which he handled by torturing everyone in this circus. Ragatha didn't want any of her friends to be drawn into this though. If it was her, she could keep an eye on Jax's mental state while protecting the others she cared about. It was the best option, even if she didn't believe it would become reality for one second.

Jax had already given away his own lies again. He didn't seem delighted at her self-depreciating attitude and instead only brought more distance between them. She could see his hands shake too. He was really mad at her, just like when she had accused him of corrupting Pomni.

Right now, he didn't look like someone who found joy in tormenting others.

But Ragatha didn't hear whatever response he could have given to her long speech. The door was thrown open without a warning, making the both of them whirl around.

Zooble came in, flanked by Pomni and Gangle. They stopped right there, eyes jumping toward Jax but not addressing him. “Ragatha, is everything okay? Pomni said she was worried someone would cause problems for you.” The implication was obvious.

Ragatha's gaze wandered back.

The interruption had given Jax a moment to fix his facade. It was probably enough to fool most people here as he just crossed his arms behind his head and mocked them again. “Oh, sheesh. Are you that easy to scare, Pomni? I was just having a chat with Rags. Did you immediately cry to an authority figure?”

Ragatha heard his voice wavering nonetheless.

Zooble didn't seem to care for it. They merely kept an eye on Jax like he was a threat. “It would be better if we leave. We want to start our game on time.”

Ragatha didn't want to step away now. Not when she had managed to break down Jax's biggest lie just now. But given that he had already recovered, it didn't matter much. “Oh, sorry. I forgot the time.” She rubbed over her hand with the other as she slowly walked past Jax and toward the exit.

Jax didn't say anything. She wondered if only she understood that it meant that he was struggling with his composure.

Either way, Ragatha only dared to glance at him for a short moment. Their eyes met, but no words were spoken, and the moment was over quickly. Ragatha left the room.

Almost immediately, Gangle wrapped her ribbon around Ragatha's arm. “Did he do something bad?” She sounded like she was about to cry already.

Ragatha quickly tried to console her. “No, no. Nothing. We just had a small...argument.” She turned her head to search for Pomni's gaze, to thank her for worrying so much, even if it hadn't been necessary.

Pomni already spoke first though. Ragatha didn't like how uneasy she seemed. “He scared me today, Ragatha. I know he doesn't mean it, but I don't want him to lash out at you in a moment of anger.”

Ragatha found herself giving a small smile in return. “I know. He can be scary. But it's fine. I promise you, I can take everything Jax throws at me, even at his worst.” That was her role here. That was why she was a rag doll in the first place. “Even if he'd like to pretend, he doesn't enjoy hurting people. He doesn't.”

Zooble let out a huff. “I wouldn't be so sure about that. You see how he treats Gangle. She's still so scared of him that she barely dares to talk back.” They narrowed their eyes at Ragatha. “And it's not like he's an angel to you either. He shot you how many times during that gun adventure? The first one wasn't even part of the adventure. His first instinct when holding a weapon was just to hurt you.”

That had hurt Ragatha. She tried to tell herself that it was because Jax cared so much that he constantly had to mistreat her until people believed that they hated each other.

But again, the thought came creeping in. What if she was wrong?

Ragatha only caught all of the things she had said now. She shook her head to herself before trying to calm down. Her gaze met Gangle's after. A reminder of how selfish she was being when she said nonsense like this in front of someone who had been tormented by Jax forever. “I didn't mean to defend him, I'm sorry. I know that he treats you horribly. I just-”

Gangle's eyes seemed to get even bigger as she whispered back. “It's okay. Just tell us what's going on here when you can.” Even she seemed to know about the bigger issue now.

It meant Ragatha had to tell them soon. She wasn't sure how when she barely understood it herself.

______________

The next two days were weird.

After the constant pranking from before, it was even more obvious that Jax kept his distance from Ragatha as much as he could. He tried not to show it, but he didn't exchange a single word with her and didn't do anything to her during the adventures either. He had focused his terror on Pomni and Gangle most of the time, which caused more and more alterations with Zooble.

Ragatha then made his weak spot even more obvious when she intervened and somehow managed to make Jax give up instantly each time she addressed him. He wasn't even in the mood to argue with her, it seemed. It made helping her friends easier but did worry her a little.

This time, she didn't follow Jax around to demand a conversation though. She told herself she would give him space if he wanted it.

But apparently, his slipping mask also encouraged other people to make attempts to reconnect. Ragatha caught Pomni beginning a conversation with him multiple times, even after Jax had shut down the last few. It seemed like this only made all involved parties more upset.

It culminated in an argument shortly after.

Ragatha hadn't paid much attention to it. She had just seen Pomni and Jax in a hallway next to the dining room and taken a bow to avoid interrupting them. Sitting at the table, she had waited for her friend to return so that she could console her, only for her to see Jax storm off in a different direction.

Ragatha's gaze followed him as she stood up and walked back toward the hallway, only looking away when she searched for Pomni. Her friend seemed to have disappeared already though. It only left her the option of watching where Jax was stomping away to.

To her surprise, he didn't return to the hallway with their bedrooms but was approaching the other end of the tent. Where was he going?

Ragatha reminded herself that she had decided to give him space as her first instinct was to follow him. She was pushing it at this point. It would be better to leave him alone.

But watching how openly Jax's posture gave away his anger planted a seed of doubt into her. Something was wrong today. If she just bothered him for half a minute, it would surely be okay, wouldn't it? Ragatha gave herself that limitation as she began hurrying after him, hoping that he wouldn't see her.

Jax didn't take the turn to leave the tent like she had expected. Instead, he ran into some corridor Ragatha frankly had never seen. Her question of whether there was even anything here was answered when she found numerous doors branching off a long hallway, each without a symbol on it.

She just barely caught Jax taking one of the doors at the end of the hallway. Strange. Was he searching for something here, or had he just avoided Gangle and Zooble in the bedroom corridor?

Ragatha stopped in front of the correct door, searching for a clue as to what this was. She didn't find any. As her hand rested on the door handle, she once again considered just turning away and leaving Jax to whatever he had run to. She should.

She opened the door slowly anyway.

A quiet creak gave away that she had entered...whatever this room was. It was pitch-black, so Ragatha didn't know. The light from outside didn't fall into this room either, so she let the door shut slowly.

Ragatha stared into the darkness for a moment. “Hello?”

Her hesitant question received no answer.

Had Ragatha picked the wrong room? It was possible. But she still tiptoed forward, hands stretched out to keep herself from bumping into anything. She found nothing for the first few steps, then her feet hit something that tipped over.

Merely a second later, she heard Jax. “What do you want?”

Ragatha's gaze jumped up, even though she still couldn't see anything. It had been the right room after all. “Oh, I just... I wanted to check on you. If you want me to leave, say it.”

She heard Jax shift somewhere at the end of the room. “Oh, because that worked so well the last few times?”

“No, I mean it, Jax. If you want me to leave, say it just this once, and I'll be out the door.” Even if Ragatha didn't want to give up, she couldn't force herself into issues that didn't concern her.

Judging by the following silence, she hadn't been very convincing.

Ragatha stopped in her tracks and nervously began playing with her skirt. She already prepared to inch her way back to the door when she waited a moment and still didn't get any reply. “Okay, I'll-”

“Were you serious about what you said last time?”

It caught her by surprise. Both the fact that Jax even spoke again and the topic.

But after her surprise dissipated, Ragatha didn't have to think about her reply. “Yes. I meant every word.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Ragatha couldn't read that tone in Jax's voice, not when her pounding heartbeat drowned it out. In the dark, she couldn't see his expression either. What was she supposed to expect from him when he suddenly addressed something he had avoided her for?

Whatever Jax was thinking, it made him ask for confirmation yet again. “You're sure?”

Ragatha grew even more uncertain. But even if she was a bit worried, she would never let go of a conversation Jax started like this. “I swear.”

“Come here.” Maybe it wasn't a conversation then.

Ragatha swallowed but lifted her head up higher. She slowly came forward, trying to figure out Jax's location by the sound of his voice. At the end of the room, she hit a wall, which she followed towards the side, where the corner should be.

She randomly reached around herself, only for her wrist to be caught in a single motion.

Jax, who seemed to be able to see at least a little better than she did, yanked her over the last few steps so that she collided with him. She wanted to give him some space, but Jax didn't let go of her. “No word about this to anyone else. Or to me.”

Now that he was so close, Ragatha found herself getting even more nervous. She tried to let none of it show. “I promise.”

“Be quiet.”

Ragatha wasn't sure what to expect after that. Maybe a warning to leave him alone or another accusation of insincerity. Maybe he would chastise her for entering Ribbit's room when it was usually a silent understanding to leave the dead alone. None of her random guesses could have prepared her.

Jax abruptly shifted, a motion that made Ragatha tense. But instead of hurting her somehow or pushing her away, Jax pulled her into a hug or at least something that resembled one. It was a little tighter than one would usually be, with her body being smooshed against his completely.

Ragatha froze in place completely. Her mind refused to understand what was happening, even a moment later.

Jax was hugging her? Why? It made no sense. Especially since his hold was so tight, he almost seemed to push the stuffing out of her body.

But as Ragatha held still and allowed herself to listen, she understood.

Jax's head fell forward into the crook of her neck. She could hear his breathing now. It sounded like he struggled to get in any air, panting quickly and harshly. She could feel the violent shivers going through his body too. His hands dug into the back of her body like he was searching for something to ground himself. Even after a moment passed, it didn't get better.

He was absolutely not doing well, she realized. Oh, God.

Every part of Ragatha wanted to speak up to console Jax. To wrap her arms around him and help with whatever was happening now. At the same time, she knew that this was Jax, who would pull back if he remembered that he was being vulnerable. She couldn't console him openly.

Then, at least...

Ragatha leaned herself against Jax as much as she could, her arms firmly against her body so that he wouldn't feel like she was touching him. She didn't speak but focused on breathing in and out slowly to give him a sound to listen to.

It didn't feel like it worked at first, but Jax managed to slow down his breathing after a moment that felt like it lasted an eternity. It still didn't sound very normal. She could hear him gritting her teeth next to her ear, and the fabric of her shoulder had become slightly wet. She wondered if he was crying. If he was, he wasn't letting her hear any of it.

Ragatha kept standing where she was, even as her thoughts jumped around in a panic as she wondered what had happened to push Jax into this state. Luckily, it was getting better, but this wasn't healthy.

Jax finally seemed to be able to breathe normally again after another minute. His head still rested on her as he let out something that sounded like a frustrated sigh. He didn't let go though. Not yet.

Ragatha still didn't move, knowing that she would break the serenity they had reached just for a moment. If anyone ended this, it would be Jax. She hoped that he didn't. This was the best opportunity to finally talk. To have him admit that he was struggling and needed help. To take steps in the right direction so that they could fix their friendship and-

Jax let go of her without a warning. After he pushed past her, Ragatha could hear footsteps moving away. The door was opened for only a split second. He said no word as he stepped out and let the door fall shut behind him, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

Ragatha ended up staying in that room for a while, trying to understand what had happened. She still hadn't grasped it by the time she got to bed and motionlessly stared at the ceiling while replaying the scene in front of her inner eyes again and again.

 

Chapter 6: What Even Matters

Ragatha woke up more exhausted than she had been before. It was mainly her nervousness that kept her from wanting to step out and face Jax when she didn't know how he would expect her to act, but she forced herself anyway.

It was her fault for expecting anything in the first place, but she found herself disappointed again.

Jax tried his best to act completely indifferent, ignoring her when he could and making stupid comments when he couldn't. He had only revealed some weakness for one minute. The first time they had seen each other again, he had eyed her with obvious skepticism. Maybe he had expected her to tell someone about it or for her to ask him questions. He should have known that Ragatha wouldn't. Not after she had promised to be there for him.

So, Jax had an easy time pretending like nothing had happened shortly after.

Ragatha told herself that this was for the best. She was glad she had been able to help him. Even if it might just have been a one-time thing that hadn't changed their relationship at all. At least she had proven that she was trustworthy. It might mean something in the future. Until then, she would honor that trust and not tell a single soul.

Two or three adventures later, it seemed like the tension in the circus was slightly better than it had been before. It left room for calmer moments again, ones Ragatha found herself in desperate need of. The invitation to a sleepover came just at the right time.

At the end of the day, most of the group had gathered in Gangle's room, where they could lounge around and chat. The topics were cozy and light as they had made themselves comfortable on the pillows and blankets they had brought. It was the perfect chance to forget all the problems of daily life without the constant threat of Caine's nightmarish adventures.

Ragatha flipped through the pages of the notebook she was holding, glancing up at her nervous friend in between.

Gangle had barely dared to hand over her drawings and now sat there curled up in herself. She looked like she expected Ragatha to hate it.

Ragatha found herself getting more and more impressed with each flip though. She met her friend's gaze, which immediately made Gangle tense. “These look wonderful! Especially the new pictures you drew. They are always so...lively. I mean, it's just a still image, but somehow, you capture an entire scene with it. The way you draw the emotions especially. It's amazing!”

Even though Gangle had created so many masterpieces, it seemed like she didn't believe in herself. She sounded hesitant. “Really?”

“Yeah! I love all of them.” Ragatha's eyes wandered back to the notebook as she kept flipping the pages. She only paused when she saw a familiar shade of red on one of the characters. Ragatha still took a moment longer before she spotted the button eye and the yarn hair. “You...drew me?” She looked up.

Gangle almost seemed to hide behind the pillow they had wrapped their ribbons around. “Yeah, I... I took a lot of time to get it right. You're a really inspiring person, so I...”

She couldn't have given a bigger compliment.

The Ragatha on the page had such a bright smile. She seemed to glow, holding her hand toward the viewer as if to offer it. She was drawn so softly, with no sharp edges. If that was how Gangle viewed Ragatha, she didn't know how to deal with it.

Ragatha found herself tearing up a bit. “Oh, Gangle. Thank you. It's beautiful.” She kept staring at the picture a moment longer, trying to find the right words to express her gratitude.

They were interrupted by Zooble, who returned to the room with six arms attached and a bowl or plate in each hand. “I brought some snacks. This time, they might actually be edible. I described what we wanted a bit more.”

Pomni immediately jumped up to help make space for the food in the middle. “Ooh, that sounds great. Thanks.”

Zooble balanced the food to the small table they had gotten for their card games and slowly set everything down. The first bowl went to Gangle. “I'm not sure if it's close to what you wanted, but I did ask for chocolate-covered dough sticks. This might be similar to Pocky.” Then they turned to Pomni. “And Bubble did know what angel cake is. Here you go.”

Gangle's and Pomni's eyes lit up at the same time as they found their favorite snacks.

Meanwhile, Zooble pushed a plate over to Ragatha. “And we have pie for you.”

Ragatha was confused for a moment, only to remember a small conversation last week. Zooble had asked about their favorite foods so casually. She hadn't thought it would come up again. “You remembered that? Thank you, Zooble.”

“No problem.” Zooble took a seat next to Gangle before grabbing some salty snacks too. They began eating.

Ragatha realized a smile had formed on her face as she picked up her pie and took the first bite. It didn't quite taste like human food, even now. But it was close enough. It had been a while since she had enjoyed her food so much. Though, by the time she had finished half of her piece, she was forced to lift her head.

Zooble addressed it casually, but the topic immediately made Ragatha tense. “It's really weird. When I went out to grab drinks earlier, I saw Jax in the hallway. He was still there now. He just kept pacing.”

What?

Pomni looked up too, glancing at Ragatha's face that now showed a frown, for a split second. “Oh. Maybe he's bored because he can't bother any of us.”

That might have been an option, but Gangle made it even more questionable as she spoke up. “I'm not sure... I saw him knocking on your door earlier.” She looked at Ragatha.

And that was the moment Ragatha almost dropped her pie. “What? Really?”

“Yeah...”

Jax never came to visit Ragatha. If he looked for her, it had to be a more important reason. And seemingly, he hadn't just given up after. He was still searching for her.

“Oh, no.” Ragatha jumped to her feet, almost tumbling over the plates in the process. “Sorry, I have to-” She barely pushed out an excuse before she was already out of the door. “I'll be back in...a couple minutes. Really, sorry.”

Ragatha threw the door shut behind her. She hurriedly looked around, hoping to spot Jax close to her. He wasn't here. She didn't waste a moment before storming to his door and knocking on it numerous times.

Nothing.

“Jax? Are you in there?”

Still nothing.

Ragatha knocked even more, knowing that Jax would absolutely yell at her if she annoyed him this much. The silence betrayed that he wasn't here. She found herself whirling around. Where else could he be? There were only so many rooms in this circus.

Ragatha decided to check each of them. The first one that came to mind was the dark room from last time, so she hurried to the other end of the circus.

He wasn't in there. He also wasn't in the dining room. He wasn't at the entrance of the tent or the lake either.

Ragatha slowly but surely got scared. Nothing had implied that anyone was in danger, but somehow, she found herself assuming the worst. She couldn't give up that easily. She would check every room in this circus if she had to.

Her hurried thoughts jumped around as she tried to remember if there was any place Jax liked visiting. There was nothing though. Her mind went back to their private chambers. If he had been searching for her, maybe... Maybe he was in her room. He had a key.

Ragatha found herself praying as she rushed back to the hallway. She threw open her own door without thinking twice, her heart pounding in her chest. She abruptly came to a stop as her eyes found a familiar silhouette in her room, even in the darkness that was only held back by the dim nightlights above her bed. “Jax?”

Jax was sitting on her bed. He didn't move even when she called for him. He just kept his gaze directed at the floor in front of him. She couldn't see his expression, but it wasn't needed.

Ragatha closed the door behind her. “Jax, it's me. Are you okay?” She came toward him, moving slowly to avoid scaring him when he didn't seem to be in a good state. She stopped right in front of him.

Jax didn't say a word to her still.

Again, he gave no warning before he suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around Ragatha's waist. She let out a small yelp as she landed on his lap, only for Jax to pull her even closer. His hug was suffocating, just like last time.

Ragatha understood faster this time though. She held still and allowed Jax to put his head on her shoulder. He struggled to breathe again, and the quiet sounds he tried to hold back pierced Ragatha's heart like daggers.

This time, it was more obvious. This was a panic attack, wasn't it? It might have been worse than the last one.

Jax kept holding her like he expected her to run away. At some point, one of his hands had wandered up and grasped her yarn hair as if it was a desperate lifeline. In contrast to last time, a couple of minutes didn't seem to be enough for him to stop trembling like a leaf.

Ragatha tried not to move anyway, thinking that Jax would get better on his own accord. But as the minutes drew on, she found herself panicking too. Something was very wrong. It was obvious when Jax still didn't let go of her. Could she do anything? Maybe touch him in return to ground him a little?

She could feel how he tensed at her slight movement. He didn't pull away as she rested her hand on the back of his head though. She hoped being cradled like that would help him calm down, but maybe it had just been her desperate desire to show her care somehow. Either way, she was lucky Jax let her touch him instead of shoving her off.

Even like this, it took a long time for Jax to stop shaking. He refused to speak to her anyway.

Ragatha didn't ask him to. She told herself she would stay right where she was until Jax let go of her first, just like last time. That conviction was challenged today since Jax simply stayed. Even as he at least seemed to be able to breathe again, he wasn't feeling well.

At this point, Ragatha was itching to receive answers. She wondered if something had happened, if Jax had gotten hurt somehow.

But instead of that, Ragatha only said something else when she dared to break the silence one single time. “Want to lie down?”

Jax didn't reply that time either. He just flopped over and pulled her with him. Another sign that absolutely nothing was fine and this would take a while longer.

At least it allowed Ragatha to wrap her arms around him carefully. Then she closed her eye and just listened to Jax's heartbeat. It was a bit too fast to calm her, but it was her role to take care of him anyway. A role she took more than seriously.

She would stay, no matter how long it took. And it took hours this time.

Jax held her the entire night. It didn't seem to bring him sleep, but he stayed. Whenever they shifted, it felt like his hold tightened, as if he was still scared she would leave for some reason. Of course, Ragatha didn't.

It didn't feel like time passed in this room, but the morning was announced by the clicking that came from the giant clock on the wall. It began playing a tune Ragatha had come to hate over the years in the circus, one that signaled that Caine had decided to drum them up for another adventure.

Ragatha tensed a little, feeling that this was too soon. If Jax wasn't doing well, she didn't want to force him to go out now. Could she ask Caine for a break today?

Just as she formed those thoughts, Jax shifted to remove himself from her and sit up. She thought he would surely comment on it this time, but he got onto his feet and walked toward the door.

Oh.

Well, Ragatha was used to it. She didn't like it, but she wouldn't speak up first.

As Jax opened the door, she saw that he had straightened his posture again and held his head up high. She tensed as she heard him mumble something, but it turned out to be nothing. “See you later.” With that, Jax was out the door.

He tried to seem unaffected again. It was painfully obvious that there was a bigger issue though.

Every part of Ragatha wanted to stop him, to force him to talk about it. She knew better. So, Ragatha only allowed herself to sigh as she got up from her bed too. She flicked on the light on her nightstand before turning to her mirror to sort her hair, only to be stopped by a sound at the door. She whirled around, expecting it to be Jax. It wasn't.

Gangle's eyes were wide as she leaned into the room. “Ragatha?” Oh, why did she sound so concerned?

“Good morning, Gangle! How did you sleep?” Ragatha beamed at her, hoping that her nervousness wasn't too obvious.

Gangle didn't seem to buy her smile at all. She kept speaking with concern, her eyes already turned downward. “Did Jax mess with you again?” Oh. She had seen him. That explained her concern. If only she knew. She probably couldn't imagine Jax being vulnerable at all.

Ragatha came to meet her at the door, continuing to grin at her. “Yeah, you know. The typical thing. But it's nothing to worry about.”

“Is it really typical? He came out of your room.” Gangle glanced back into the hallway before she faced Ragatha again. “You haven't... You haven't been acting normal either those past few days.”

Maybe she hadn't.

Ragatha felt her smile slip but restored it again. “I'm really sorry for making you worry. That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry for not coming back yesterday too. I was...a little tired, so I just fell asleep.”

“Did you fight with Jax again?” Gangle mentioned him again. As if she knew that it was tied to him no matter how much Ragatha denied it.

“No, not this time.” Not quite.

Gangle slowly let go of the door frame, inching toward Ragatha. She hesitated for a moment before allowing herself to speak again. “He's... He's been picking on me less. But he was worse to you and Pomni for it. So, if anything happened...” She was still concerned about Ragatha.

Somehow, that just made Ragatha feel worse. It was her role to take care of the others, right? If she had neglected that these past few days, she would have to double her efforts from now on.

That was Ragatha's new goal for the following weeks, even if she knew that keeping everyone satisfied at the same time was almost impossible.

______________

It felt like Jax had stabilized a little. He had fallen back into his usual role. Of course, he still played pranks on everyone, but it wasn't as bad as just last week. It didn't make him pleasant to be around. It was less of a nightmare to deal with though.

Ragatha wanted to think that it was because she had calmed him down a little, but the passing of time might have caused the bigger change. Either way, she was relieved that the conflict didn't seem to be about to burst anymore. She was far from being happy anyway. All of this was weighing her down, she realized.

Caine had been a bit more enthusiastic about this adventure, happily separating the group into two to make them venture through some kind of jungle. Ragatha had found herself uneasy at the very thought of having Jax in a group with Pomni and Gangle, which would make it impossible for Zooble or her to do anything about problems that might arise.

That situation didn't come to fruition, luckily.

Ragatha was in a team with Gangle and Jax though. That made things tense from the beginning, but she told herself that she would do what she could to keep the mood somewhat fine.

At least Jax didn't try to get her killed every two minutes anymore. He spoke less with her than usual, but since he didn't constantly berate her, that was a plus too.

Ragatha actually thought it was going well as they reached their first destination. Obviously, Jax wasn't going to help with any puzzle, so she put herself next to Gangle and began pushing around the stone tablets to form an elaborate pattern. She admittedly wasn't really good at it, but with Gangle's help, results showed slowly.

Ragatha's eyes widened as the stone finally clicked open and revealed a small golden statue that looked like Caine with crossed legs and both hands raised in a weird gesture. “Oh, we got it!” She plucked the statue out and carefully presented it to Gangle.

Instead of her, Jax replied from the boulder he had sat down on. “Took long enough. And we only have to get how many now?”

Ragatha turned to him, taking in how bored Jax seemed to be. She was surprised he hadn't complained much until now, but that was bound to change. “Two more, I think.”

“Ugh.” Jax let his head fall back with a groan.

Ragatha almost found it funny, admittedly. But only almost because a part of her fully expected him to make this everyone else's problem. “This isn't your type of adventure, is it?”

Jax gave her a look that already said it all. He gestured to the jungle around them after. “Where's the interesting stuff? This is just a hike to gather some ugly statues in an even uglier forest.”

Ragatha opened her mouth to respond, only to be surprised when someone else chimed in.

“I think the scenery is quite pretty.” Gangle's voice was weak and barely reached them, but she had said her opinion. She was right too.

“Oh, ye-”

Jax snapped back without even glancing at Gangle. “No one asked you, Crybaby.”

That was enough for Gangle to flinch and shrink in herself. She lowered her gaze, tears already pooling at the sides of her eyes.

Ragatha's mood immediately got worse. She whirled around to Jax. “That's rude, Jax! This is one of the better settings, isn't it? We're lucky there isn't a monster chasing us.”

“A monster would at least make this somewhat entertaining. This is just a glorified asset re-use to waste our time because Caine couldn't be bothered today.” Jax couldn't care less about how he had affected Gangle. Maybe he hadn't even noticed.

Ragatha certainly had though. She pressed her lips into a thin line, wondering whether she should chastise him again. It never did much aside from making Jax argue with her, so she chose to give a way out instead. Something that would distract him. “If you don't like it, that's okay. But the quicker we progress, the faster we'll be out of here. Let's go find the second statue.”

Jax immediately proved how utterly childish he was by ruining that too. “Don't wanna. The other idiots can deal with that.” The mention of that actually made him chuckle and caused his smile to return. “Not that I think that team's stacked with brains. Caine put all the morons together there, so they'll take a while.”

Ragatha wasn't sure if that was a provocation for her or something he had just said for fun. She furrowed her eyebrows while asking herself if she really wanted to start the argument of the day that early. It seemed to be appropriate, but would it only make the rest of the adventure worse? He hadn't started trying to torment them yet, so-

“Don't say that.” This time, Gangle was even quieter. A single sentence was enough to make everyone look to her though.

Jax's face alone gave away what he was thinking. “What?”

Gangle's eyes widened for a moment as she held her ribbon arms in front of herself. She shifted nervously, trying to find the right words but not daring to speak much at all. “I don't...”

She flinched as Jax got onto his feet. He was in front of her with a few long strides, smile bright and intimidating. “Sounds like you wanted to say something. Go on.” That wasn't a real request, and Ragatha understood that immediately. He just wanted to scare Gangle.

Gangle would have folded any other day. But today, for some reason, she didn't, even as her voice trembled more than ever. “Zooble is really nice to me. And Pomni too, so-”

“Oh, you wanna defend those suckers? Tch.” Jax chuckled again, but it didn't sound very happy. His provocations weren't subtle anymore now. “I mean, don't take it personally. They're around your mental level, so you don't have to feel left out. Raggy here too.”

It was another moment where Gangle could have given up. Ragatha fully expected her to until the very last second. “But we were the ones who solved the puzzle...” It was a weak whisper, not a proud insult.

Yet, it was enough to immediately shift the mood.

Jax had lost his smile completely. “What are you trying to say, Ribbons. Huh?”

Gangle realized what she had done just as quickly. She backed away, almost tripping over her feet as she began trembling. She didn't say a single word anymore.

And Jax didn't stop pushing even though he had absolutely won here. “You know, something gives me the impression that I've been a bit too nice to all of you recently. Because you're starting to really get on my nerves.” He was genuinely mad at this.

That wasn't good. Not for anyone else and not for him.

Ragatha moved before things could escalate further, putting herself right between Jax and Gangle. “Jax, don't.” She wasn't even certain if she sounded angry right now or if the frustration with Jax only showed in her mind. That didn't matter though.

Jax was annoyed enough at the interruption. “What?”

“Remember what you promised.” Ragatha said it without thinking about it and only regretted it a moment later. It was too late to take it back now though.

Unsurprisingly, that just worsened Jax's mood. He brought his face closer to hers, almost hissing the reply at her. “I didn't promise anything.”

Ragatha became nauseous quickly but refused to give in. “But I did. And I said that I want you to leave the others alone. If you're mad at someone, pick a fight with me. I'm right here.”

“Are you serious?” Jax acted like she was being unreasonable.

Ragatha gave a nod. She wasn't quite sure why this came as a surprise when she had never been happy with Jax messing with anyone. Maybe she had neglected her role these past few days, but now that everyone was feeling a bit better, she could stand up for her friends again.

Jax's pupils were small again as he narrowed his eyes at her. It felt weird to have him be so mad over such a tiny thing when they had had arguments forever. It was even weirder that Jax didn't address her in response. “You stay right here, Ribbons.”

Before Ragatha could move, Jax just grabbed her arm and began pulling her with him. She stumbled after him until she realized what was going on.

Gangle behind her only seemed to panic more. “Ragatha-”

“It's okay. It's all fine.” Ragatha gave her a smile over her shoulder but quickly looked forward again so that Jax wouldn't catch her off guard with whatever he was doing. She genuinely couldn't tell.

Jax pulled her through a couple of bushes and then further away from Gangle. They were out of earshot by the time he finally said something again. “You're really good at ruining my mood, Dollface.”

Ragatha's face scrunched up. As far as she knew, she hadn't done anything to anger him. He was the one who had picked a fight.

But that anger melted quickly as Jax came to a halt and, instead of complaining again, turned around and hugged her. Ragatha blinked as she was flush against his chest, previous thoughts replaced with concern. She tilted her head up as much as she could. She didn't see much, but still, she was rather sure that this was different from the last two times.

Jax wasn't having a panic attack right now, was he? He was a bit annoyed, but he wasn't panting or struggling visibly.

It was odd for him to do this right after an argument. Ragatha decided that it was a good thing though. If it did help him calm down, this was a better alternative to vent his emotions.

Ragatha slowly shifted her arms to hug him back at his waist, not daring to move much to avoid disturbing whatever was going on here. It surprised her that Jax allowed her to do that, but what surprised her even more was that they just stood there hugging after.

Every previous time, Jax had barely been focused on the situation, so Ragatha had fussed over him and not realized how weird this actually was. Now she had all the time in the world to question what they were doing.

It left Ragatha a bit embarrassed, even though she had held him an entire night not so long ago. She decided not to say anything at first, but somehow, the silence bothered her this time. Still, it was only when she felt Jax's head resting on hers that her mind started spiraling so much that she forced herself to speak. “If you need anything...anything else, tell me.”

She feared that she had ruined the moment for a second.

But Jax didn't let go of her. He didn't suddenly shift emotions again either. When he replied, he sounded so, so tired. “What are you meant to do? We're stuck one way or the other.” Oh. That was a bit more serious than she had expected it to go.

It was a chance though. Ragatha couldn't remember Jax being that open with her in a long time. She would be a fool to ignore that. “I mean... Yes. We can't change that. But...we're all struggling and trying to find a way to deal with all of this. I am too.” Ragatha found her own voice shaking as she spoke, especially as she desperately tried to guess the right words to say so that Jax wouldn't abruptly pull back. “It helps me when I can get some support from other people. It might be different for you, but if you want to share anything or just sit together or-”

Jax interrupted her, but his voice still didn't hold anger. Just the exhaustion she knew most people here secretly carried. “Nothing in here is real, Rags. It amounts to nothing at the end of the day, so why should we pretend that it does?”

Ragatha's gaze jumped up so quickly that she had probably scared Jax. “Because it matters to us!” She finally managed to look at Jax's face. It didn't show any of the usual act. Ragatha's hold on him unwillingly tightened. “We all experience this stuff, so it's only natural we have different ways of handling it.”

Jax watched her expression for a moment as she waited for his response. He still wasn't shutting down. He just sounded utterly exhausted. “And your positive attitude does what exactly? It hasn't really done you any favors.”

“It does! I'm not saying anyone has to act like this, but I enjoy taking care of other people. It helps me process this.”

“Do you actually enjoy it, or do you just tell yourself you do because you have no choice?” Jax said that so suddenly.

Ragatha could only frown at him as he dropped his arms to let go of her. “What?”

Jax's voice lacked the aggression of an accusation or the amusement of a joke. It sounded like he was stating something he deemed a fact. “You were a doll for your mother. To dress up and parade around. To throw into a corner when she wasn't content. And now this game turned you into a rag doll.” He grabbed both of her arms, forcing them apart before tugging her from side to side. “You weren't asked before being flung into this world. And now it's just Caine or me throwing you around for fun. Isn't it just the same? What's there to smile about? You couldn't decide back then, and you still can't.”

Did that sound like genuine concern coming from him?

Ragatha's lips parted as she didn't know what to reply with for a moment. As she caught herself again, the first instinct was to free her arms to throw them around Jax again. She absolutely expected him to push her off, but he didn't stop her. It gave her a chance to reply. “No, it's different. Because I have people I care about now. Even in the worst moments, I am happy when I can just sit with everyone and be myself.”

Jax still didn't push her away or avert his eyes. His expression shifted to reveal apprehension though. “You're never yourself, Raggy. That happy mask doesn't fool anyone here.” This didn't sound like an insult either. He wasn't just saying stuff to hurt her right now. He was genuinely entertaining this conversation.

Ragatha's heart pounded so quickly that she almost couldn't hear herself anymore. This mattered so much. She couldn't mess this up. “Maybe I'm not always honest. But...when it comes to everything that matters, I am.” She didn't really think about her actions, but as she lifted a hand to Jax's face, it almost felt natural to settle it onto his cheek. Still, he didn't interrupt her. “When I say that I care about you, I mean it. Seeing you hurt yourself hurts me just as much. I know it's not my place, but-”

Bushes rustled next to them.

“Guys?”

Jax let go of her so quickly that Ragatha almost stumbled for a moment. He already turned around, a hand on his hips as he tried to sound as bored as ever. “What? Couldn't handle yourself alone for one minute?” He switched back to normal as if nothing had happened.

Meanwhile, Ragatha was frozen in place, still caught up on the previous situation. As her eyes found Gangle's, she couldn't even bring herself to say anything.

It only seemed to make her ribbon friend worry more. “Ragatha?”

Ragatha's eyes wandered to Jax for a moment, but he didn't meet her gaze. It was at this point that she instinctively knew that the chance was lost. The realization was enough to make her feel like there was a hole in her stomach.

It was a genuine struggle to compose herself right there.

Ragatha felt like her smile returned, much too late and too weak. “Oh, yes. We can keep going.” She kept her gaze lowered after that and just dragged herself through the rest of the adventure.

Jax stayed in front of them, as if to make sure they couldn't see his face. He barely spoke for the entire day.

Meanwhile, Gangle had attached herself to Ragatha and wrapped her ribbons around her, eyeing Jax the entire time as if she expected him to do something. Her silent concern made the situation feel even more oppressive.

Ragatha didn't sleep well that night.

Chapter 7: What You Give For Friends

The moment had come and gone. Jax didn't offer her chances for sincere conversations anymore after that. It didn't mean that Ragatha learned nothing about him though.

As time passed, it only became more apparent that Jax wasn't doing well and desperately needed help.

The first instance after their conversation had been an evening a few days after the jungle adventure. Jax had just appeared at her doorstep again. After letting himself in without a warning, he had pulled Ragatha into another crushing hug. He hadn't stayed there the entire night that time, but it had taken a while for him to compose himself enough to step back out into the hallway.

It wasn't the last time that happened. In fact, the frequency seemed to double as the days went on.

Moments like that appeared again and again. Jax had appeared at her door in the evenings at the beginning, but soon he randomly showed up during the day. Then he either simply grabbed Ragatha and pulled her away, mostly when they were alone. Sometimes when the others were present, he just stood in her field of view and pointed over his shoulder. She understood what it meant and made up excuses to follow him.

Each time, Jax would pull her into a hug that almost felt like an iron cage. He tried to seem rather unaffected, but the desperation that came with each embrace never hid his state. Most of the time, he was battling a full-on panic attack.

It seemed like his bad moments hit heavy and came without a warning, sometimes even without anything to have sparked them in the first place. And when they came, Jax needed someone to calm him down quickly. One time, he had woken her up in the middle of the night by hammering on her door until she had opened it. She had almost had a heart attack that day.

Ragatha grew more and more concerned, but any attempt to talk to Jax much was blocked off. So, she settled for holding him silently to battle what was tormenting him. She didn't mind that at all as long as it helped even a little.

The problem was that it stopped being subtle at some point.

“Ragatha, what is going on with you and Jax?” Zooble asked that without a warning, almost making Ragatha drop the pen she had been holding. “He suddenly acted weird after that gun adventure, and things have been off ever since. But you just won't talk to us.”

Ragatha looked up in surprise, feeling her face get a bit hotter as she imagined what would happen if they heard any of this. Jax would never trust her again. “Uhm, I'm not sure...”

Her excuse was already deflected before she finished it as Gangle chimed in from the side. “We're worried about you.”

Ragatha glanced from Zooble to Gangle and then Pomni. She inwardly panicked without knowing what to say. Denying everything seemed foolish, but what half-truth would be safe? “Uh...”

Pomni had averted her eyes as the topic had come up, but at this point, she put away her notebook to focus on the conversation fully. For a moment, she stayed silent before searching for Ragatha's gaze. “I think we should tell them. It's been a problem for long enough.” She was right. It hadn't been as subtle as hoped, so the others needed context.

Ragatha still had no idea how to communicate anything though, especially since the part about her and Jax couldn't be revealed to anyone else.

Maybe that was obvious to Pomni since she started to speak. “Something happened after the gun adventure.”

Instantly, Zooble assumed the worst, their expression darkening. “What happened? Did he overdo it? Did he hurt you somehow?”

“No.” Pomni played with the button on her chest. She thought a bit more carefully about this sentence, but then she gave it away. “It's complicated. But to summarize it, we had some sort of argument with Jax. I know he seems like an idiot to you most of the time, but we've seen better moments. And we tried to... I don't know... Encourage him to show those more.” She glanced at Ragatha as if to ask for confirmation.

That finally made Ragatha wake up as she hurriedly tried to explain more. “Jax really isn't doing well right now. And he won't admit it. And we were trying to help him. He wasn't happy about that either, and now we're...” They were making progress, but no one here knew about that.

It would have been fine to stop here, but then Pomni spoke too quickly for Ragatha to stop her. “It's...related to people who used to be here and aren't anymore.” There it was. The one topic they should avoid.

Zooble was too clever for their own good, putting the pieces together immediately. “Someone who abstracted? You mean the person whose room you were in a while back?”

“No!” Ragatha only caught herself when that had already left her mouth. Everyone was looking at her now. Her head started swimming. “I mean, yes. But....” No one should know. If Jax heard about this, he would get even worse. Especially if he heard that Ragatha of all people had started sharing it around with people aside from Pomni. “That topic is really... Please don't bring it up. I'm begging you. Everything but-”

Her voice died here. It was only now that Ragatha realized she was tearing up. She brought a hand to her mouth to hide it somehow, but that was impossible.

Merely a second later, Gangle was by her side and wrapping her ribbons around her in a hug. It didn't stop the tears but just made them quicker. Especially when Ragatha looked at Gangle's face. Seeing her reminded her of Jax's bad side she liked to ignore as much as she could.

Suddenly, the words almost poured out of Ragatha's mouth. “I know it's selfish to ask you to hold when he's also going to take his anger out on you, but... I'm really scared for him right now.”

Gangle, that angel, understood without another word. “You think he's close to...”

“Maybe.” Ragatha's voice shook so much now, just like her entire body. She held her arms up to hide her face as she tried to compose herself. It didn't work well, so she let Gangle embrace her even further. She had always been aware of her growing concern for Jax, but admitting it so openly made her spiral and imagine the worst.

For a moment, it was fully silent.

Zooble kept frowning as they waited, as if to give Ragatha a chance to calm down before they resumed. When they did, they lacked the concern Gangle had shown. “Even if that's the case, I worry. We noticed that you keep disappearing somewhere with him. When you come back, you're always tense. Your hair is tangled like he tried to rip it out.”

Ragatha abruptly looked up again. “Oh, no. That's all wrong! Jax doesn't hurt me.”

Zooble only narrowed their eyes. “How am I supposed to believe that?”

“Because I am serious! I wouldn't lie about this.”

“I think you would. You just said you worry about Jax struggling. You seem like the type to endure whatever he does because you feel like you can't be too hard on him right now.” Zooble wasn't wrong.

Ragatha still needed them to know that Jax hadn't done anything like that. “But that's not what's happening! It's Jax and I-” She stopped herself as she came to the detail she couldn't mention again. “We're making progress, I think. Just give me a little time.”

It was a strange request.

No one here owed Jax any patience after how he had treated them for so long. It wasn't their place to worry about him or to hold back to make him feel better.

And when it came to Ragatha, time wasn't a factor. It was laughable.

Just recently, Kinger had advised her to pay attention to herself and to give people space when they asked for it. But Ragatha couldn't listen to him here. Even if years passed, she would never be able to give up on Jax. As long as he came to her being vulnerable, she would always pull him into her arms, no matter what.

It probably wasn't a good idea to be so focused on him when she wasn't doing well either, when no one here was doing well. But Ragatha couldn't deny that Jax was different. For one, because he refused to rely on anyone else here. But also because the way she felt about him was different.

Denying it only did something for so long. Ragatha had realized a while back. It wasn't a coincidence that she gave Jax so many more chances than anyone else. That she forgave things she wouldn't if someone else had done them.

It was a selfish feeling. One she tried to ignore most of the time to do what she deemed best for everyone around. It was still pitifully obvious to herself.

Her thoughts came to a halt as a hand rested on her shoulder. Pomni gave her a reassuring smile as Ragatha turned to meet her gaze. “It'll be okay. You're doing all you can, Ragatha.”

Ragatha thanked her for it, but really, what she did didn't matter. What mattered was that Jax stopped having those panic attacks that seemed to wreck him more and more. Ragatha didn't know if she even had a chance of succeeding here, but she knew that she would keep trying until her last breath.

 

 

______________

 

 

Jax's panic attacks kept happening. There didn't seem to be a pattern to it, even after Ragatha had paid attention for a few weeks. No preparation was possible, and she was helpless when it came to finding solutions too. She could offer Jax her support, ear and embrace, but when he didn't allow himself to open up any more, she found herself feeling useless.

Especially since Ragatha's one task was to keep this situation between them secret, but she failed more and more. At this point, the group was fully aware that she constantly disappeared with Jax. They presumed she was talking to him, but Ragatha was unsure if that excuse worked well enough, or if they had just stopped asking because she had begged them to.

Either way, the current situation was a ticking time bomb that would inevitably blow up at some point.

Like any other time, there hadn't been a warning.

Ragatha had spent the time after the last adventure showing Pomni around the area outside the circus tent after realizing that Pomni hadn't ever visited the lake. They took a long walk there, casually chatting until they had seen enough. After returning to the tent, she decided to continue the tour when they were already in the middle of it. “We never really use it, but we do have a mini golf course in here too. Caine just mentioned it once and never brought it up again, but it's...around here. Somewhere. Along with the ball pits.”

Pomni had admitted that she wasn't much into sports, so Ragatha didn't expect her to be interested and remained correct. “Well, I can see how you'd get lost trying to find anything in here.” She stopped and demonstratively looked around the main area. “The layout of this thing should be studied. I'm a bit confused why Caine thought it had to be so big.”

“It does come in handy during in-house adventures. But aside from that, yes. It's a little difficult to find your way around. And once in a while, Caine adds new hallways for no reason. So, it's a little...” Ragatha let her voice trail off as she let her gaze wander and spotted a certain purple rabbit she hadn't expected to be here.

And the surprise was replaced with concern quickly.

Jax seemed to be pacing around without any real goal. He kept his gaze aimed at the floor and only looked up once in a while to check the hallway with their bedrooms but stayed away from it as if he didn't want to be seen. Without knowing what to search for, most people wouldn't think anything of it. But Ragatha saw at a first glance.

It was really bad right now. His pupils could barely focus on anything. He also seemed to struggle to breathe yet again.

Almost without thinking about it, Ragatha found herself speeding up to reach him.

Jax continued his rounds until he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his eye. His attention shifted to her, as if to prove Ragatha right even more. She wasn't surprised when he immediately came toward her as well. He was shaking again, which she realized when he was just in front of her. Jax wasn't well enough to say anything, so he just did the typical thing and grabbed her arm.

He dragged her after him without a warning. Ragatha followed without questioning it, only to jump as a hand grabbed her other arm and stopped her.

Pomni's expression was oddly serious as she glanced at both Ragatha and Jax. “What's going on?” She was more than tense, just like the entire situation was.

There was no hint of Jax's smile to be found right now. He just glared at Pomni, obviously itching to disappear as quickly as possible. “Nothing that concerns you.”

No, they didn't have time to argue now.

Ragatha hurriedly twisted her arm, trying to make Pomni let go while offering her a smile. “It's okay. I'll be back in a moment.”

Pomni's face only darkened. “No, you're not just leaving with him.” She turned to Jax. “Jax, you can't just drag Ragatha around like that. If you want something, communicate it like a normal person.”

This wasn't the right moment.

Jax wasn't able to listen to anything right now. His grip on Ragatha tightened, but he barely managed to meet Pomni's eyes. “What's it to you?”

“Ragatha is my friend! I've swallowed so many complaints these past few days because I didn't want to upset you, but there is a limit. I'm not gonna stand around and let you treat her like that.”

Ragatha's heartbeat almost came to a halt before it doubled. She heard her own voice tremble. “No, Pomni. I told him that it was fine.”

Pomni still refused to let go. “What is fine? That he just shows up and treats you like a stress ball?”

“Yes!” Ragatha only caught that hurried reply too late. “I mean, no.” What was she supposed to say? She had to get Pomni to let them leave, or Jax would get even worse. Her gaze flew around as her thoughts went in circles. She opened her mouth again, only to be unable to get anything out in time.

She saw Jax's face shift again, eyebrows furrowed as if he was angry but too distracted to even feel that properly. “Whatever.” He let go of her and turned to leave without another word. It was the only way he could run without destroying his facade.

Ragatha wanted to follow him. “Jax, wait!” She was only stopped by Pomni, who was still gripping her arm. She forced herself to face her friend. “Pomni, I know you meant well, but he-”

“Ragatha, what's going on?” Pomni's gaze seemed to pierce her very soul. “And don't lie. It's super obvious.”

Whatever lie Ragatha had wanted to use died in her throat. For a moment, she found herself just staring at Pomni with an open mouth. The longer the moment lasted, the weaker her resistance was, and the truth came out before she realized. “I... Jax has been having panic attacks recently. I told him that he...can just use me to distract himself if he is bored or annoyed or wants to bother anyone. And he comes to me during panic attacks now, and I can help him, at least a little.”

Pomni's anger melted away slowly, replaced by surprise. “Okay, I see. That's good.” She took a moment to process this, only to frown at Ragatha again. “But this...isn't the best option, right? He-”

That didn't matter to Ragatha.

Even at this very moment, Ragatha could only think about how Jax might be struggling on his own. “But I feel like I'm reaching him right now! At least a little. I'll be fine.” She reached out to grab Pomni's hand for a moment.

“Are you really?” Her friend sounded so concerned.

Ragatha faced her for only a split second. “I'm better than Jax right now, Pomni. I can't... I can't lose him.” She took a step back and removed her hand from Pomni's. “I'll go check on him.”

She spun around to follow where Jax had gone, towards the bedrooms. She presumed he was hiding in his own room if he wasn't in hers.

Ragatha looked around to make sure she was alone before she lifted a hand to knock on his door. No immediate response came. It only made her knock again. “Hello?”

Still no response.

“I know you're in there, Jax. Even if you don't want to talk, at least listen to me. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I should have done that more subtly. I'm sorry.” Ragatha kept knocking as more and more apologies fell from her mouth.

She was fully caught off guard when the door opened and she was dragged into the room before the door shut again.

A stumble made her rest against the door to keep herself standing. Ragatha's heart almost jumped out of her chest. It had been years since she had seen Jax's room. She didn't see much in the darkness here though.

Only Jax's silhouette as he stood right in front of her. “What's wrong with you?”

Ragatha pressed a hand to her chest, trying to calm down. The comment only made her frown. “What?”

“Do you so desperately want to be hurt?”

That only confused her more. “What do you mean? I want to help because I care about you. And this is not-”

“No, I know what this is.” She couldn't see Jax's face as he said that, but she could hear his voice tremble. She also felt his finger pressing into her chest. “Your mother hurt you so much that you can't bear any situation where you're not under her control. So, you search for someone else to keep abusing you.”

Any mention of her mother would be enough for Ragatha to freeze and panic. This one did less to hurt her though. What was Jax talking about? Did he think she was just helping him because of some trauma in her past? Or did he genuinely wonder why she was still clinging to him after everything he had done?

Ragatha didn't know. She did know one thing though. “That's nonsense, and you know it. You're nothing like my mother, Jax.”

The sound Jax let out held no joy. “What's the difference?” Was he worried about hurting her?

“That's obvious, Jax.” Ragatha tried to search for his gaze even in the dark, knowing that he could see better than she did. She wanted him to understand how serious she was. “You don't want to hurt me. You're just suffering yourself. Besides, you've never...even in your worst moments... You have never made me feel as bad as...”

Her words left behind an uncomfortable silence. It was like neither of them knew what to say.

This time, Ragatha knew what would inevitably happen once Jax caught what they were doing. It was a chance to be vulnerable, so he obviously couldn't let her in for too long.

“Get out.” Jax didn't say it with anger, but he meant it.

Ragatha already blindly reached into the darkness to find him though. “No, wait. I'll be quiet, but let me stay here. You aren't feeling well, so let's-”

Jax caught her hands and tried to push them away from him. Not forcefully but with emphasis. “I'm perfectly fine, Dollface.” What a liar. If he was fine, he would say that nickname with joy or smugness. It came out with none of that today.

“I'm not. Please.” Ragatha kept trying to reach him, refusing to be pushed out. “Just for...a minute. Please.” She froze in place after.

Jax didn't say anything immediately. She thought she would need to say more by the time he finally shifted. Jax dropped his arms and then stood still.

It wasn't an invitation or a rejection.

Ragatha took it as the former, hurriedly wrapping her arms around Jax to pull him into a tight embrace. It felt like he melted into her without resistance. Another sign of how unwell he was. Ragatha made sure to hold him even closer as she leaned her head against him.

Finally, Jax returned the hug. He still didn't say anything, but he rested his head on hers.

Like the last few times, the seconds turned to minutes. As they remained there quietly, Ragatha only interrupted the silence one single time.

“Just remember.... I'm here. Anytime. Whatever you need.”

Because she had already been proven right. Jax needed help, and he did care about what they had once had. About their friendship, about her well-being. If he didn't care, he wouldn't constantly worry about her hurting herself with her altruism.

She was right. And so, Ragatha wouldn't give up until Jax was stable again. Once he was, she could give him space if he asked for it. But until then, she would think of him every waking hour.

Chapter 8: The Most Sincere Feeling

 

It was getting better, at least Ragatha told herself that.

Jax kept seeking her out despite barely speaking whenever he was in that panicked state. He trusted her with his worst moments, something she hadn't believed to be possible not so long ago. And when the number of his panic attacks decreased slightly, she felt like they were on the right path. She prayed that Jax might actually open up to her at some point.

Things couldn't go on like that forever though. Certain conversations were bound to happen at some point.

Ragatha had hoped that Jax would be the one to pull her aside for a sincere heart-to-heart.

Instead, it ended up being Zooble, who took a seat on the sofa next to her after being greeted and crossed their arms. “Hey, Ragatha.” They turned their gaze toward the distance and didn't say anything at first. Ragatha already knew they had something to say though. It didn't take long before they finally admitted it. “Pomni told me what was...going on with you and Jax.”

Ragatha stared into the distance as well. She played with her skirt a little to distract herself. “Oh.”

Zooble slowly turned their head to her, forcing her to meet their gaze. “I'm not saying it's bad that you're there for him. God knows I'm not very fond of that idiot, but... I don't want him to break either.” The mention of that topic made Ragatha tense. Maybe Zooble had known it would since they used that soft tone as if to soften the blow. “I'm still worried about you.”

“Me? Why?”

“You're someone who will spend hours taking care of others without giving yourself a minute. Now it feels like you focus on Jax so much that you can't even enjoy a calm moment without worrying about him. Not even during our game nights or sleepovers.”

Ragatha would like to deny it, but she couldn't. She just hoped she hadn't hurt her friends with that. “Was it that obvious? I'm sorry.”

Zooble weakly shook their head. “Don't apologize. I'm just asking you not to forget to take care of yourself.” They kept looking right at Ragatha. Their gaze didn't build up any pressure as it seemed to come from genuine concern.

But maybe that was the exact reason why Ragatha averted her eyes. She inspected the floor in front of her feet for a moment. She just wanted to say that everything was fine. “I told Jax he could vent all his anger on me. That he could use me if it meant he felt better after.” She didn't know why she had said that.

That was when Zooble finally narrowed their eyes, being stunned into silence.

Ragatha only glanced at them shortly before looking down again. It was a stupid thing to reveal, especially in front of someone who hated Jax. But she wasn't as angry with herself as she could have been. It was like a part of her was dying to share this.

Zooble, being ever the good listener, didn't judge her openly. They held their thoughts back for a moment until they could sort them. “Why are you doing this? Why is that jerk so important to you?”

Feelings like that were complicated to explain.

Ragatha found herself wanting to do so anyway. Before she knew it, the words flowed out. “Even though I said that, he doesn't do it. Because, as much as he'd like to pretend he doesn't, he cares. When I deny my own humanity and treat myself like a stress ball, he gets super mad at me. A real jerk would just laugh at it. But Jax can't keep himself from worrying about me when I'm like that.” She caught herself mumbling and stopped to let out a huff. She didn't know when that small smile had come to her lips, but it stayed. “He's not fully wrong though. I think I am a little messed up. Maybe I'm too lenient with people because of my mother.”

Those were all private thoughts. Things Ragatha hadn't really told anyone ever before. She wondered why she suddenly told Zooble. But maybe that was because Zooble was someone who rarely relied on Ragatha, much like it was with Kinger. It didn't feel like Ragatha had to keep up a facade in front of them, like she had to offer support instead of asking for it.

And maybe it was because Zooble knew when to be quiet. When to just let someone talk about what was going on inside their heads.

Ragatha shifted slowly, allowing herself to look at her friend. “I care for him. So, I will be whatever he needs. If the label of a friend makes him uncomfortable, I'll let him call me a plaything or a rag doll or whatever. As long as he can rely on me and doesn't carry that mental load by himself the entire time.”

Zooble had been silent the entire time. Even now, they didn't speak much. “Well, you're carrying a lot for him too. Isn't that difficult?”

“Yeah.” Ragatha never admitted that either. Now it came to her easily. “But it's natural. You don't know this, do you? We used to be quite close.” Ragatha played with her hands on her lap, trying to focus on them instead of the small ache in her heart. “I don't talk about it much because I feel like Jax would hate it, but...it's true. Right before we witnessed our first abstraction, we were friends. Then the tragedy came. He convinced himself that nothing in this circus lasts forever after. That one of us is eventually going to go first and the other will be left behind. That everyone will at some point disappear.”

Deep inside, Ragatha had shared those thoughts on occasion too. If there was no way out of the circus, the alternatives were between eternity in here and abstraction. She wasn't sure how many souls would be able to endure the chaos and dread of every single day just to face the same the next day. When nothing was going to get better, how long could someone hold on?

But ironically, following a few bad weeks after Pomni's arrival, Ragatha had given up on that thought a little.

She had found herself looking forward to the small things. To have a chance to get closer to Pomni. To a good meal in the evening. To those sleepovers and game nights with everyone.

Not everything in this circus was perfect. It was far from it. But thanks to Kinger, Ragatha had had a chance to reconnect with Gangle and Pomni. It had brought the group closer together. They weren't past all of their issues, but they were taking the right steps. Being with them and just sitting and laughing together had brought Ragatha some of the best moments of her life.

Now she didn't find herself thinking that it had to end. No, she thought that they could make the best out of this. They had problems still, but they had time to deal with those. Arguments or misunderstandings could happen, but after a break, it was easy to solve those. Caine would still torment them too, but at least they were together.

It gave Ragatha goals to work forward to. A reason to get up in the morning.

Ragatha wanted nothing more than to offer that support she had been feeling recently to Jax too. She knew it would take him a while to trust and that he probably wouldn't ever be super close with Gangle or Zooble. But that was fine. She at least wanted them to be able to sit in the same room as him while everyone kept smiling.

She wanted Jax to regard her as a friend again, just like he had done it in the past. To have conversations with him in sincerity without all those hollow insults and provocations. She wanted him to sit next to her in the evening again, to watch the lake outside as the moon came over the tent grounds. To be able to rely on Jax to catch her whenever she was struggling.

And, if Ragatha was honest with herself, she wanted a bit more too.

But that wasn't something she needed. Those emotions she held for Jax were comfortable in her chest. If he was happy, she would be too. She needed nothing more than his friendship. As long as she could see him thrive, everything was fine.

Ragatha found her gaze wandering up to the ceiling of the tent. She was smiling still and, weirdly enough, felt more than peaceful with her thoughts. “Back then... And even now, after all these years...”

She probably shouldn't say it, but it felt right to.

“I love him.”

The serenity was torn apart by an abrupt crashing sound from right behind them. It was like something had fallen.

Ragatha jumped up, whirling around to check what was happening. Maybe she should have been frozen in shock or mortified as she faced someone familiar standing not too far away, half hidden behind the wall that contained the seating area. But somehow, she was merely a bit surprised.

Jax was the one who acted like she had caught him. She had never seen that expression on his face. Something that seemed so disturbed, wrathful and vulnerable at the same it. It was like the word 'love' had burned him.

Jax disappeared without giving her a chance to say anything.

That was when she somehow understood exactly what had happened. Jax had probably eavesdropped on this conversation on purpose, to hurt himself and find insincerity in her words. To find proof she didn't care after all or that she was telling everyone about his worst moments. Instead, he had received something else. Something he couldn't deal with at all.

Ragatha stood still, wondering if she had made things worse with her careless words. But even as a part of her feared the response, she didn't regret saying it. It was the truth. She didn't expect anything in return, but maybe it was good that she had shared her feelings so unabashedly.

It took away any chance for Jax to tell himself that she didn't care.

Zooble hadn't stood up and had merely turned their head. They seemingly hadn't spotted Jax. “What was that?”

Ragatha sat down next to them again, offering a weak smile. “Nothing. Sorry.”

Zooble didn't buy that fully, but after eyeing Ragatha for a moment, they gave up. They still took a moment before responding. “A part of me wants to give you my condolences or offer therapy. Because I really don't know what you see in that moron. But I'm guessing you don't want to hear that. I'll just wish you the best.” Their expression became a bit softer at the end.

Somehow, that was enough to make Ragatha feel warm. “Thank you. It means a lot.”

Zooble let out a quiet sigh. “I'm doing my best. I still don't know exactly what's going on with you, with him or this entire thing in general. But I really hope the both of you will get better soon. If you need any help, be it a silent listener or emotional support, don't hesitate. I mean it.”

Ragatha felt her smile grow as she watched Zooble act like they hadn't done much. It seemed like offering such great support was something that came to them easily. “Thank you, Zooble.”

Zooble gave a small nod in return. Then they seemed to be ready to move on. But that wouldn't do.

“You don't know it either, do you? What a great person you are.” Ragatha wasn't sure what it was. Maybe having shared her greatest secret so openly made it easier to say other things she was thinking without fretting over it. It felt like Zooble needed to hear this. “Gangle has been glowing around you recently. You really made her lighten up. It's only because of you that she dares to be her honest self now. And I noticed it too, of course. Pomni as well. It's easy to be comfortable around you. You're a really great friend that cares a lot. I don't think I know anyone who is as cool as you while doing that.”

As she spoke, Zooble's eyes wandered to her. They narrowed more and more until the end. “Stop it with the compliments.” They sounded a bit grouchy now, but it seemed to be from embarrassment.

Ragatha failed to hold back a little giggle. “But it's true.”

“Yes, and your caring friend is telling you to take a break for yourself. You need it. Come. Let's go do something that distracts you from all of this.” It was a genius idea on Zooble's part.

Right now, Ragatha almost wanted to check on Jax to see how he was doing, but that wouldn't be fair. He needed a moment to process this. Meanwhile, she needed to figure out how to deal with having dropped such an important thing onto him without a warning.

It would probably take a few days until they were both ready for that conversation. If they would be ready for it at all.

______________

Jax didn't go on the adventure the next day. Caine said that he apparently had asked to be excluded because the plan sounded boring, but Ragatha didn't believe that for one second. She stayed quiet to let the rest of the group treat it as a fact though.

Ragatha also would have liked to stay, just in case Jax was having another panic attack, but Caine's mood shifted so badly that he just forced her to go along. She ended up being worried the entire day, especially during dinner when Jax still didn't show up. She had no appetite due to all of this and barely managed to swallow a few bites of food. Already dreading the next few days in this state, Ragatha went to bed.

She rolled around to find some rest for a while, only to give up and take out her sewing kit instead. Ragatha had trouble focusing on her craft, but she stitched a few random color squares onto a handkerchief to distract herself. By the time she was done, the night still hadn't come to an end. Ragatha ended up lying in bed and staring at the ceiling again.

Early in the morning, much earlier than anyone else would be up at, Ragatha left her room to take a walk. The empty circus felt lonelier when no one was around and the colors were dulled due to the moon's appearance outside. It helped clear her mind a little, but that woke up more worries she denied herself.

All thoughts came to a halt when she returned to her room though.

Someone else had left their room, most likely to find a calm moment just like she did. Jax still hadn't been able to put up the wall again after that last interaction. As he saw her, his ears shifted backwards and his pupils became small like needle-pins. He had wanted nothing less than to speak to her.

It was why Ragatha just stopped where she was. She gave Jax the chance to return to his room instead of getting closer.

For a moment, it looked like Jax wanted to do so. His hand was already on the door handle a split second later. He didn't push it though. He remained still for a moment, then glancing back at Ragatha. That he didn't want to face her was blatantly obvious, but after another pause, he slowly walked toward her.

Ragatha swallowed, bracing herself for the emotional turmoil this conversation would leave her in. She was as tense as she hadn't been in a while. Everything in her wanted to break the silence as soon as Jax stopped in front of her, but she knew he would have to speak first.

He didn't.

Like she had gotten used to, Jax took her arm and started walking. He didn't pull on her as hard today, but she could feel how tense he was. She followed without a second thought.

They left the empty tent at the main entrance. Ragatha wasn't surprised when Jax steered toward the lake. It was a distant location no one tended to visit and also one they had often sat at together. But the grass plains before the lake didn't seem to be far enough for him.

Jax rounded the entire lake as if to bring them as far away from any curious onlooker as he could in this circus. Then he let her go and took a few more steps, his head turned away from her.

Ragatha wanted to say a lot but didn't know where to start. She decided to stay quiet until he found the words to start the conversation.

It took a while before he did.

“Why?”

Ragatha looked up from her folded hands. She could read Jax's posture as tense. She knew the general topic of what they would discuss, but she had no idea what he was referring to when he was so vague. “What do you mean?”

Jax finally turned to her. He looked mad, but it didn't feel like that aggressive anger he showed when he argued with someone. “Why are you doing all of this? Why do you let me drag you around? Why do you act like that's fine and you're never annoyed and you never tell me to stop?”

It was obvious from the first question. This was a breaking point. Jax seemed to recognize that he wasn't being kind to anyone right now. If he was ready to reflect, maybe this was it.

The one conversation that was direly needed.

Ragatha took extra care to find her words, but in the end, she knew how she felt. She wouldn't lie to Jax. “It's because I promised you. If the only way to help you is to act like this, I will.”

“Act like what? Like my personal stress toy?”

Ragatha gave a nod. “If that's what you need, yes. You're important to me, so I will be whatever you need. I meant it when I promised that.”

Jax still looked at her like she was insane. He struggled for a moment, seeming like he wanted to spit out something vile, but it ended up being something different. “How could I be more important than your well-being?”

“We all have our priorities. You put your pride above your well-being.” Ragatha said it softly, but the words came like a blow.

Jax's anger flared up before he spun around. He wanted to leave.

Ragatha didn't let him this time. She took the last few steps in a rush, putting herself right in front of Jax. She threw her arms around him in an embrace. “I'm sorry, I won't say that again. I'll be quiet.”

For a painful moment, she only heard her own rapid heartbeat.

Jax didn't move or speak. Nothing gave away whether he would push her off or continue this conversation. It made Ragatha tense even more, preparing to stop him if he wanted to shut down.

He didn't.

Jax's head fell forward to rest on her shoulder. It felt like he had lost all energy and could barely keep himself up. “What are we doing, Raggy?” That came out as a defeated whisper.

It pained Ragatha's soul. “That's your decision. I will do whatever you want, whatever will help you. You know I'm only here-”

She wasn't even halfway done when Jax interrupted her. “Don't act like this.”

Ragatha tilted her head slightly, trying to glance at Jax's face, but it remained hidden against her. “You don't like it?”

“I hate it.” Jax nuzzled against her shoulder even more. “Go back to normal.” The soft tone surprised her just as much as the vulnerability that had shone through him here. He was begging her.

It didn't even take a thought.

“Okay.” Ragatha finally allowed herself to do what she always ached to do, to console him openly without the fear of him pulling back. She let a hand wander upwards to gently rest on the back of Jax's head while she whispered to him. “It's okay, I'm here. We'll manage, I promise.” She turned a bit more and pressed her lips to the side of his head.

That was the moment when Jax just seemed to...fold. His legs gave in, making them topple onto the fake grass around them. Jax barely knelt upright by himself, just resting on Ragatha, who fought to find a stable position without untangling herself from Jax.

The panic attack was obvious to her immediately.

But for the first time, Jax choked out a weak whisper that admitted it too. “I can't breathe.”

Ragatha put herself into a slightly better position and sat down. This allowed her to pull Jax against her chest so that he could hear her breath and her heartbeat. “Try to focus on me. We'll go slowly.”

“My head is spinning.”

“I'll hold you.” Ragatha brushed her hand over his head again, being as careful as possible.

Jax just allowed her to cradle him. He barely seemed to be able to breathe, but he still whispered to her. “Why are you putting up with this?” Another comment that dug into her heart and ached more than any insult could ever.

Ragatha pressed another kiss to the top of his head. “I'm not putting up with anything. I love you. I'll always be here for you.”

This time, she could feel how the word made Jax flinch. It seemed to be heavy enough for him to immediately spiral again. “I will drag you down with me somehow.” It didn't sound like a threat. Not when Jax himself sounded scared.

“That won't happen.” Ragatha felt him tremble in her arms, and it broke her heart.

Jax kept mumbling, voice so weak that it didn't seem to fit him at all. “It will. You were right. I'll make everyone worse.”

Ragatha felt dread creep in like ice. Was that because of what she had said about Pomni? “No! I was wrong about that. Jax, I was wrong. You've never once done that to anyone.”

She wasn't sure if the words reached him since Jax merely said something else. “You should leave.” He hugged her even tighter after that.

Again, Ragatha refused with vigor. “Never.”

“You need to leave me alone.” Jax said that, but his hand grasped the back of her dress with pure desperation.

Ragatha's response was clear from the very beginning here too. “I won't.” She nuzzled her chin onto Jax's head as gently as she could before whispering to him again. “Jax, you're standing at the edge of a cliff right now. And I won't leave you there alone. No matter what. I won't until you are better again. Even then, I don't want to pull back from you. I'll always be by your side. I swear that on everything I am.”

Something about that promise had to have done it.

Jax remained still for a moment. Then he lifted his head so slowly that it became obvious that he struggled. He only did it to be able to look at Ragatha's face, even at the risk of revealing his own tear-stained one. “Why?”

Ragatha couldn't imagine a worse pain than seeing someone she cared about in such misery. It took away all embarrassment, hesitation or worry about what she should say. He needed to know just how much he meant to her. “I love you.”

Jax almost seemed to get more upset. “Why? I don't understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“There is nothing to love.” Jax's voice was laced with bitterness here. Bitterness and something deeper that he mostly kept hidden. It revealed what he thought about himself without that proud mask he usually wore.

Ragatha had never heard anything more startling. “Nonsense!” She brought her lips to Jax's forehead and remained there. The expression he gave her after she pulled back broke her heart yet again. “That's where you're wrong. Because you misunderstand who we, all of us here, are.”

It was a deeper topic. One that might not belong here. But this was too important to ignore.

So, Ragatha resumed as she rested a hand on Jax's cheek to calm him down. “Pomni told me all about it. About those archetypes you came up with...”

The mention of Pomni's name was enough to make Jax flinch. But Ragatha could only be grateful he had told their friend about this. Otherwise, she wouldn't have known how wrong he was about himself.

“They're nonsense.” Ragatha spoke as softly as she could, continuing to brush over Jax's head and cheek, only interrupting to kiss his forehead again. A faint smile came to her lips. “I know you'd like to believe that Gangle is sad all the time, but you've seen her shooting that Tommy Gun. She had the time of her life. You should see her face when she draws or recounts the comic she wrote a while back. She's so full of joy and love for the things she does. For someone who's meant to be sad, she is so happy when we have a sleepover and she gets to draw kitten whiskers onto my face.”

It was the beginning of a lot that had to be said.

Ragatha didn't give herself a break and just beamed at Jax more. “Zooble and Gangle have gotten quite close. Zooble always becomes so soft around her. And during our sleepovers, they are the responsible one. They keep making sure everyone is fine, bring snacks and drinks. We only mentioned our favorites once, and they remembered all of them. Just last week, they asked me about my well-being so often I felt like they took over my part.” She let out a little laugh. “For someone who is meant to be grouchy, they are so caring.”

It had to sound like nonsense to him, to suddenly bring up the others like that. But Jax listened and kept his eyes on her, giving her a chance to make her point.

“Kinger! You've never seen it, but did you know that Kinger regains his sanity in the dark? That he gives the best tips and helped me put myself back together after everything during the gun adventure? He managed to cheer me up when I thought that I was useless here.” Ragatha felt tears sting in her eye, but she blinked them away. Her smile faltered a bit just for a moment as she had to admit the rest. “And did you know that he lost his mind because his wife was here with him and didn't make it?”

That one was tough to hear. Jax, too, had lost someone. It hadn't been a spouse, but he felt the same pain. It was no surprise that he looked so upset.

“And Pomni...” Ragatha said her name even softer this time. At the mention of her friend, her smile returned. She saw Jax tense nonetheless, but her words were full of affection. “I don't have to talk about how great she is. You know it already. She's a jester, but she's anything but a joke. That girl is so clever and crafty. She always knows what to do. She tries her best to help anyone when they get emotional. But isn't Pomni also so brave? She pushed through everything no matter how shaken she was the first day she came here. She surprised all of us. Especially once she picked up a gun and just started eliminating everyone. And of course, she clicks with you so well too. She knows you after such a short time. She didn't buy any of your speech.” And that was the part Ragatha felt less happy about. “I knew you well too, and I still did. I...”

Ragatha was a person who had spent her life desperately keeping her flaws hidden. Her main goal was to shove them into the back of her mind while putting on a much different image. Even acknowledging everything she wasn't hurt.

But it was necessary.

Ragatha was crying now and couldn't do anything about it. Still, she smiled. “I'm sorry, Jax. But I'm also not what you think of me. You call me cheerful, but you haven't seen me on all the nights when I cried in my room, trying not to let you hear it. The times I thought I was right at the limit and only felt like I could hold on because I wanted to chat with all of you in the morning. The burning jealousy I felt when I saw you with Pomni. The absolute dread I feel when I look at your face and think about how badly I want to go back to how we used to be.”

It felt good to say it, in some weird and twisted way. It hurt. But at the same time, Ragatha had kept this inside for so long. It ached to flow out. But not now. This wasn't about her.

Ragatha laughed again, but she allowed it to be half-happy and half-sad this time. “If I was that perfect, cheerful doll I pretend to be, there would be nothing to hate in me, right? But you already said it. I'm annoying. I get under your skin. On bad days, I put myself before others. I even got mad at Pomni for protecting herself. But then I won't even admit it. I misjudge how strong I'm coming on and take it personally when they don't like me. I help others to feel better about myself. You're right, Jax. I am broken.”

“Don't say that.” It was only here, for the first time in her long monologue, that she heard Jax's voice again. He looked at her with such contempt for that claim, even though he should be worrying about himself.

Ragatha weakly shook her head. “But it's true. Not everything about me is pleasant or lovable. Because I'm a real person with real problems. Not just a cartoon character. That's why I make mistakes. Why I pushed Pomni away at first. Why I...failed you.” She had to pause in the middle here to compose herself. She blinked away some of her tears before hurriedly continuing. “Why I didn't understand what you needed and assumed I did. Why I pushed when you told me not to. But also why I gave up when you threw those lies in my face back then.”

Jax showed her a frown this time. “That's not your fault.”

“It is.” Ragatha's lips twisted to a smile before she reached out to tap where Jax's nose should have been. “So, it seems like you're a pretty bad judge of character. You're wrong all the time. None of us fit our archetype at all. But even if you wanna follow that cartoon logic, you have to admit it. If there is something different in all of us. Something hate-able in me.” And finally, Ragatha could do what she had wanted the entire time. To challenge whatever Jax thought about himself. Her hand cupped his face gently as she whispered. “Then there has to be something lovable in you, even if you aren't aware of it. And there is. I'm very aware of it. It's why I love you.”

Again, these words moved something in Jax. They forced him to avert his eyes for the first time in a while.

But Ragatha wasn't done, even when her voice was hoarse at this point. “It's why I know that, even if you ask it of me, I can't turn away from you. I need you, Jax. I need you to be next to me. To be happy and safe and...” Her voice finally broke, just like her self-control. The tears flowed freely now, and she couldn't hold back even if she wanted to.

As she clung to Jax, his hand came to the back of her head to bury itself in her hair. They were both trembling now, holding onto one another as if they would die if separated. No more words were spoken, but they needed each other's company nonetheless.

As time passed, the trembling slowly stopped. Jax's tears dried before Ragatha's did, but even then, they just sat there together.

Even as the sun went up and shifted all the muted colors around them into their colorful variants, they didn't move. As the audio of the scene became more lively to imply the presence of animals that weren't there at all, Ragatha found herself glancing over at the tent. No one should come out that early when they would usually just go to breakfast. She hoped they would be undisturbed for a while longer.

And they were.

Ragatha almost wanted to stay here the entire day, but she knew that they couldn't. She still delayed it as much as possible until she slowly turned her head to glance at Jax's expression again.

Even now, he hadn't restored that smile of his. He wasn't angry either. For once, he seemed to exist without putting on that front.

It felt like a mistake to break the silence, but it had to happen.

“Jax...”

Because nothing was magically fixed because of this one conversation.

Jax knew that as much as she did. He closed his eyes for a moment as if to delay the inevitable. But he couldn't do that forever either. “I know...” His voice sounded just as weak as hers did, even after he had taken a moment to compose himself. “I know where your room is.”

Ragatha knew what that meant instantly. He would come to her later. But maybe he needed a moment.

That was good. She needed one too.

And so, they eventually got up to their feet. Neither one wanted to really let go of the other, so Jax ended up holding her hand during the short walk back to the tent.

They didn't speak. Not even as they separated at the entrance.

Ragatha merely kissed his cheek before she let him withdraw and she hid in her own room.

 

Chapter 9: Space and Time

 

Ragatha didn't think she could survive an adventure today, so she took a while to calm down. Then she went to Caine and begged for a day off for both Jax and her. She claimed they were intending to clean up the circus as a surprise for their fellow cast mates, and somehow, Caine believed that story.

The others probably questioned it, but they didn't say anything. Merely Pomni gave her a questioning gaze. As Ragatha responded with a smile, she allowed herself to leave though.

Ragatha truly ended up cleaning the circus a bit, if just because she was so nervous she could throw up. She busied herself as much as she could, always looking around for Jax in between. She wanted to be ready when he wanted to talk to her.

He made her wait until the evening though.

Already lying in bed, Ragatha had prepared for a sleepless night when she heard the creaking at the door. She sat up and waited for him.

Jax came into the room slowly. He shut the door behind him before he came toward the bed. He sat on the side while leaving her some space but being close enough that they could touch if they reached out.

Ragatha also came to the side of the bed to sit next to him. She could see him well enough with the nightlight, but reading his expression was difficult.

Neither of them spoke.

It was like they both had to lay out what they wanted to say and prepare for the subject of the conversation. This wouldn't be a light one either, that was clear. Jax proved it with the very first question he asked.

“What if you disappear at some point?” Jax didn't look at her. He kept his eyes stubbornly on the floor in front of him. She could tell that he waited for her reaction carefully, but he didn't dare look at her. His voice was full of the pain he hadn't allowed himself to show in years. “What if you disappear and leave me all alone?”

Ragatha wasn't foolish enough to miss what he was doing.

Jax's protective mechanism was fighting again. He asked a question she couldn't answer. It was like he asked hoping that she would give the wrong response because that would justify shutting down again. If she promised to stay forever, he could call her out on the lie because she couldn't know. If she claimed she would leave, he was justified in his avoidant approach.

Instead of entertaining that trick, Ragatha replied with her own question. “What if we had met in real life?” She saw how Jax shrank in himself at the mention of what they couldn't have anymore. But it was too important to avoid that topic. “If we had clicked and gone on some dates and had moved in together. If we had spent years together. What if I had gone out the door one day and gotten into an accident? I wouldn't be able to return. Would that mean that nothing we had mattered?”

It wasn't a nice story. It was one that forced Jax to imagine the worst nonetheless. His expression reflected that in real time. Apparently, the very thought of losing her like that was enough to make him spiral.

Ragatha shifted to sit a bit closer to him. She reached out her hand to brush her fingers over his balled fist, just slightly but enough to show that she was there. “It's difficult, Jax. Even more so here in the circus. But life is never completely safe. It can be cruel. So unbelievably cruel that it's almost impossible to bear it. But that doesn't mean that there is no point to it.”

Jax tilted his head just slightly. He watched her expression now. Maybe he was trying to find signs of a lie again.

But Ragatha didn't put on her fake smile today. For once, she let her emotions dictate what she was showing. “If you're scared of the end so much that you can't find joy in anything anymore, you're denying yourself everything that would light up your life. There is never a guarantee that anything you love will still be there tomorrow. And when it happens, it's numbing.” Ragatha had to close her eyes for a moment to compose herself. Then she looked at Jax again, voice lowered to a whisper. “But that's not an excuse to never love anything again. You can't keep your life empty just to make sure that you have nothing to lose.”

Jax had tried that until now. She could tell. Every one of her words just made him want to argue back, to defend what had helped him to survive until now. But he fought that urge to be able to listen to her.

“Love is a complicated emotion. And if you love someone, you'll always be scared to lose them. But if you're too scared and push them away over it, aren't you just losing everything either way?” Ragatha finally let herself reach for Jax's hand. She gave him a chance to pull away.

He didn't.

He gave her a chance.

Ragatha locked their fingers as much as she could. The words came from her heart right now, holding all she felt. “At least that's how I feel. I can't tell you what is better for you. I can't force you to share the same mindset I do.” She squeezed his hand. “I can just say that I'm here for you. Today, tomorrow and even in a hundred years. Whenever you need some comfort, come to me.”

Jax still didn't say anything. He merely sat there, eyes looking towards her but barely seeing anything. It made it difficult to tell if he needed a break or had to hear more.

Ragatha decided to keep speaking. “And if you want to get better, even if you truly do... I know it's going to take a long time. But we can do it. I know we can. It might feel like there is no constant in this circus. Like we're just toys in a toy box being flung around. But we have each other. We're all here, and we took a while, but now we found comfort in one another. Everyone here is wonderful, and they all care deeply about what we can be for each other. Even if nothing else is real, we are. Our emotions are. Our friendships.” Ragatha found her free hand shaking as she reached out toward Jax. When it came to rest on his cheek, it finally made him turn to her fully. The confession came easily. “My love for you.”

Once again, hearing that seemed to pain Jax. He didn't avert his gaze this time though. He let her see all the emotions that reflected on his face, how desperately he needed support.

“I don't know what will happen. I wish I could, but I can't.” Ragatha shifted a bit closer to him, trying to relay the hope she felt even though she was crying. “But I'm better than ever before right now. Because I have the others. Because I have you. I can't promise you a lot, but I can say that I will love you every waking day.”

Maybe that final promise was what peeled away the last protective layer.

Jax remained silent, but tears started falling from those big eyes of his. Almost instinctively, Ragatha reached up to wipe them away. He didn't stop her. It was the first time he had cried and not hidden his face.

Ragatha finally had said her piece, so she allowed herself to pull Jax into her arms fully. She began playing with his ears to make him relax a bit, whispering into his ear once more. “Take all the time you need, Jax. Remember. I'm always here. We're all here.”

Jax hugged her tighter in response. He seemed like he wanted to say something but struggled to even press out a single word. He took another moment before he did it. “Can I sleep here?”

The answer was obvious.

“Always.”

______________

The next morning was quiet but also calm.

Jax was already awake by the time Ragatha opened her eyes. He still held her in his arms, even as his empty gaze stuck to the ceiling. It seemed like he had tangled their bodies as much as he could despite being so lost in his own head.

Ragatha greeted him with a small kiss to his cheek, which immediately made him melt again. She let him rest his head on her shoulder for a while longer. If she was the one to make the decisions, she would ignore the frustrating tune of her clock. She would hug him for the rest of the day instead of getting up and forcing him to go on some adventure. The decision wasn't hers though.

The interruption came with an abrupt flash of light that left behind Caine, who had entered the room like it was the most natural thing in the world. “GOOD MORNING, my superstars! There is no time to waste. I've prepared greatness today, so hurry up to the portal!” He snapped his fingers and disappeared again.

Ragatha had lifted her head to squint her eyes at him and let herself drop back onto her pillow. She held back a sigh as she focused on massaging Jax's head again. “Seems like we slowly have to get ready.” At least Caine hadn't found it weird to see them cuddling like this. “Should I ask him to...”

Jax turned his head to bury it in her chest more, eyes squeezed tight now. “He's not gonna allow that if he thinks it's so great.” That was probably true.

Given that the alternative was letting Caine teleport them onto the main stage, they had no choice but to leave. They took their time though. Ragatha didn't let herself be rushed and instead spend a few more minutes to hug Jax and promise that she'd take care of him during the day. He didn't argue against it once, which gave it away before they even stepped out of the room.

Even as they started walking toward their destination, Jax stayed close to Ragatha. He didn't make any witty comments nor did he force a smile. He couldn't pretend today at all. It made her worry even more, but as she offered to discuss with Caine again, he shook his head.

So, they slowly made their way to the main stage.

As they arrived, it seemed like the rest of the group was already present. They turned to watch the late members with obvious confusion. Caine began babbling something, but that wasn't the point of interest for everyone here.

Pomni's gaze wandered between Jax and Ragatha a couple of times before she spoke up. “Uhm... Good morning to you two.”

Ragatha offered a little smile. “Good morning, Pomni.” She glanced at Jax, not being sure if he was even in the mood to talk to anyone.

He probably wasn't, but Jax pushed out a little reply without any enthusiasm. “Morning.”

That just worried Pomni more. She nodded but then stayed closer to Ragatha, making it clear that she waited for Jax to step away so that she could address it. When he didn't, she ended up grabbing Ragatha's arm and whispering to her. “Is everything alright with him?”

“We...had an important conversation yesterday, Pomni. I think he's trying hard right now.” Ragatha scanned her companion again, deciding that he needed as much rest as he could. “But maybe we'll...stay in the background for today.”

Pomni couldn't hide how her eyes lit up as she heard the first part. “Okay. I'll try to ask Caine for a relaxed adventure.” She already began turning away, only to stop herself at the last second to add something. “I'll be here as soon as he is ready.”

Ragatha knew that Jax needed that, now more so than ever before. And maybe he heard it already. She wasn't certain, but she didn't ask. She thanked Pomni again but then stayed quiet to avoid drawing attention to her and Jax.

It was still glaringly obvious that they had appeared together. Zooble and Gangle kept their eyes on them too, probably noticing that Jax's typical smile was nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, they didn't ask the question out loud though.

As Caine opened the portal for them, Ragatha barely paid attention to their surroundings. She just walked slowly so that Jax could stay behind her and be shielded from view a little. She had no interest in the fancy mansion they had landed in either. Instead, she put herself at a distance from the rest of the group and left the puzzles to them.

As before, Jax stayed right next to her. He didn't touch her, but it seemed like he wanted to keep the option if he abruptly felt worse.

That, too, was obvious to everyone. The group was kind enough to focus on the many riddles to move the adventure forward. They only glanced at Jax and Ragatha once in a while.

The mood wasn't bad, but it was unstable. It was only a matter of time until someone cracked and started asking. A matter of time until they could stop pretending like everything was normal when it wasn't. Ragatha didn't know when it would come, but she somehow knew that they wouldn't make it through the adventure and prepared to call for Caine as soon as she saw one of Jax's panic attacks coming.

It wasn't a panic attack though.

It had been a while since their arrival, with Jax still staying quiet. He had only looked around the area of the room they were in. Ragatha had caught him inspecting the big mirror behind them for a while. He seemed to be deeply lost in thought, just standing there and staring right at his reflection.

Ragatha didn't want to interrupt him, but she saw him balling his fists after a while as he slowly seemed to get more and more upset. That was when she allowed herself to gently address him. “Jax?”

Jax woke up from his trance. He turned to her as if he had just remembered she was here, but his expression stayed that bitter one.

Ragatha began worrying even more. She opened her mouth to ask if she should call for Caine.

She never got to speak since Jax already closed the distance between them. This time, she wasn't caught off guard as he hugged her like he thought she would disappear.

Ragatha hurriedly wrapped her arms around him, turning her back towards the room in hopes of concealing Jax as much as possible. It couldn't do much when the room was so small. “The others are here.”

“I know.” Jax didn't make a move to hide behind her or pull her to another room. He merely trembled in her arms, pulling her as close as he could.

The entire room was silent. Ragatha didn't have to look to know that they were being watched. She ignored it as much as she could, focusing on Jax right in front of her. A moment passed. It was only interrupted when slow steps came toward them. Ragatha tensed as she prepared for the conversation that would start before either of them was ready. She had to force herself to glance over.

It was Pomni. A frown was painted onto her features, concern obvious. “Is everything alright?”

Ragatha wanted to reply, but she didn't.

To her surprise, Jax responded. “No...” It was a mere whisper, but it gave away so much more than he usually revealed.

Pomni's eyes widened in shock, but she caught herself quickly. Her expression softened to a smile she hadn't shown in a while. “Thank you for trusting us enough to admit that.”

Jax shifted his head slightly, glancing over at Pomni. Ragatha wasn't sure what he was thinking, but it almost seemed like he hadn't expected that reaction.

But Pomni didn't hold a hint of resentment. She had just waited for a chance to reach out to him. She turned away slightly and pretended to stretch. “Let's get Caine to send us home. I'm bored with this adventure.” Now she even gave Jax an excuse to leave early.

That was the moment when Ragatha knew that everything would be okay. Her smile slowly returned. “Thank you.”

Pomni met her gaze and merely gave a small nod.

Jax huffed right into Ragatha's ear before speaking again. This time, his voice held a hint of that amused edge it normally carried. “You're all trying way too hard.”

Ragatha felt her heart warm up, but she didn't allow herself to get emotional. Instead, she leaned her head against Jax's and replied with a similar tone. “You'll have to live with that. I don't like losing to you.”

“Mmmh.” Jax put his chin on her shoulder. “Seems like you took on a challenge.” When he said it like that, it didn't sound like he viewed it as a bad thing.

It wasn't one to anyone here either. Pomni had already started grinning as she came a bit closer again. “Challenges are nothing new to us. We're the winning team, remember? We can do everything.”

It seemed like that was enthusiastic enough to elicit a small chuckle from Jax. It wasn't as pronounced as usual nor was it loud, but it sounded honest for once. “I carried you half of the time, so don't get too cocky.” With that, he let his head fall forward a bit more, hiding his face in Ragatha's shoulder. She felt how he tensed slightly as Pomni stepped away and began calling for Caine. It took another moment before he whispered to her, lacking all amusement again. “This will take a while, Raggy.” He was still struggling.

Ragatha responded with a small kiss to the side of his head. “I know. That's okay. Just tell me whenever you want to take a step. I'll hold your hand for it.”

That perfect moment was interrupted as the floor suddenly disappeared beneath them. Ragatha had no idea what was happening until they fell onto the checkered floor back at the tent. The landing wasn't very soft, with Jax falling on top of her, but Ragatha didn't complain about it.

Zooble, somewhere next to them, already did it. “Caine, you a§$%§!%. Can't you be a bit more careful?”

That actually made Ragatha laugh quietly. But maybe that was just the case because she finally felt the tension of the last few days falling off her. She slowly sat up, taking a moment to grin at Jax.

He seemed to be a bit surprised at her mood shift, but he didn't point it out. Jax got onto his feet first, and then offered his hands to her to pull her up as well. Another peace offering that just seemed so out of character for him.

Ragatha didn't hesitate to accept it. As she stood up, she didn't let go of Jax's hands though. He didn't let go of her either, leaving them to just stand there looking at one another.

They were only interrupted when Pomni chimed in from the side. “Since the adventure got cut short, we have a lot of time today. Any ideas what to do?” She looked around the group.

Unexpectedly, it was Gangle who spoke up first. “We should have a game night again.”

Zooble glanced at their friend for a moment and was quickly convinced. “Sure. Let's all meet in my room.”

Ragatha didn't intend to say anything, knowing that she would take some time with Jax in private instead of dragging him to a busy party. But as Zooble turned to look at her, she realized that they wanted a response from her too. “Uhm-”

“You're all invited.” Zooble nodded toward Ragatha and Jax. It was obvious from the way they had said that. They had specifically included him.

Ragatha blinked in surprise. She slowly turned to Jax, not being sure what the right call was. She decided that she couldn't tell on her own, so she whispered to him. “Want to go?”

Jax was quiet for a moment. She fully expected him to reject this, to say that he needed more time off before facing anyone. But then he shrugged. “I have nothing better to do.” He paused, only to glance at Ragatha and add the rest. “I'll probably fall asleep in the middle.”

That made her grin return. “That's nice too. Sleepovers are fun.”

She hadn't expected this. Not in the slightest. But it seemed like Jax was willing to take this step too. To return to interacting with the group when he had avoided those activities so much recently. Ragatha could have cried in happiness, but she didn't. Instead, she smiled.

That smile stayed for the rest of the day.

They spent some time in Ragatha's room, just the two of them. It allowed Jax to calm down a bit. To balance his emotions before he would face everyone else again. He finally didn't seem that tense or sad anymore. He was still a bit lost, of course, but when he rested his head on her lap and fully relaxed as she brushed her fingertips over his ears, she felt like she had reached him.

In the evening, Jax was still ready to attend the game night. Though, it was obvious that he felt a bit vulnerable since he almost seemed to hide behind Ragatha's company. He didn't let go of her hand even as they stepped into the room.

Ragatha was the one to speak up first. “Hi, Guys.”

Zooble had already prepared most of the room, having placed a board game and snacks in the middle with pillows and blankets all around. “Good evening to you too. You're late.”

Jax's smile was a bit weaker than usual, but his sarcasm had returned by now. “Stop complaining when we're already giving you our valuable time.” He let Ragatha pick their seats, allowing her to bring them to a slightly less busy spot.

He noticed that Pomni chose to sit next to him. Ragatha did too, and it filled her with nothing but gratitude.

The evening ended up being nice.

Jax didn't talk much, but he answered when he was addressed. He also didn't interrupt the games or conversations like he might on any other day. It didn't feel like he was tense though. Maybe a bit uncertain but nothing more.

Being with Ragatha seemed to help a little with that. He left his head in her lap whenever he could. The only time he shifted was when he grabbed something to eat or when he had to move his piece on the board game. And of course, when he had to show Pomni a censored middle finger for pushing him out of said game.

Everyone noticed that today was different. It never came up though. In fact, it felt like both Zooble and Gangle knowingly maneuvered around that topic and acted like this was usual. Even Kinger was a bit more coherent when he could withdraw under the small cave blanket Zooble had set up for him. He met Ragatha's gaze with his knowing eyes for a moment, and even though he had no mouth, she had the impression that he was smiling.

It was like he, too, knew that today finally gave Ragatha the hope she had needed.

Jax and her stayed on the side as much as they could. Tomorrow, they would do the same. Maybe next week, they could get involved a little more.

This was what improvement looked like. No big claims or apologies, not yet. Jax would take a while longer until he was ready for detailed conversations about what had gone wrong these past few years. But for now, he was willing to go along with them. To reach out and have peaceful moments together in all this chaos. That mask of his had been discarded for a short amount of time, and he would be able to do it again if he needed to. It reassured Ragatha.

As long as Jax wanted to get better, he would.

The process wouldn't be fast or painless. It would be messy. There would be moments where he would pull back and become a hundred times worse. But Ragatha knew that it would work. She believed in Jax. He was strong enough to do this now that she had helped him take the first step.

Now he only needed two things.

For one, the support of good people who were willing to offer an ear when it was needed. Looking at the group here, it was full of such people, of good friends who would always lend a hand.

And then, of course, the room to reflect and grow, to take care of himself and to take steps back whenever it became too much. The knowledge that not being fine was okay and that it would get better. That was also a given here.

If they had one thing in this circus, it was time.

And Ragatha knew that she would be there for him eternally if he needed it.