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Anton has always made trips between Korea and America. His mom is still in America with his brother, while his dad is in Korea. He didn’t see the point in choosing, which is why he routinely takes trips back and forth. He wouldn’t say he spends more time in one country over the other. It really depends on what he’s doing and feeling. When he’s in America, he spends his days doing nothing in particular. He’s lucky to have a mother who lets him live freely as he figures everything out. When he’s with his dad in Korea, it’s pretty much the same. The biggest difference is the amount of time they have to give. His mom has all the time in the world to dote on him and his brother, whereas his dad is often holed up working. Anton isn’t troubled by that. In some ways, it makes his life a bit easier. The time he spends in Korea forces him to be more independent. His dad gives him a safety net for sure, but it’s different. He lives in his dad’s old condo and usually picks up a random dead end job until he feels trapped and goes back to the states.
The day things changed was an average one. That day, he landed in Korea and dropped his bags off at his place before doing anything else. He remembers being hungry and exhausted. It was after midnight, so he couldn’t go out to eat. That was fine, he didn’t want to deal with table service after such a long flight. He only had the tolerance for a quick trip to the 24 hour convenience store right by his apartment building.
He’s been there a million times before, enough that he knew to brace himself for the incessant buzzing of the lights inside. Thankfully, the employee wasn’t behind the counter. He was glad he didn’t have to feign pleasantries.
He didn’t look around much, just grabbed a small bottle of painkillers and a pack of instant noodles. Neither the brand nor the flavor was given the time of day. He eats anything, there was a nearly zero percent chance he wouldn’t like it. He finishes everything, even if he doesn’t like it.
The employee was waiting for him by the time he reached the register. He must have heard Anton’s heavy steps and came over. Anton didn’t recognize him. Then again, the employees were rarely the same by the time he got back from America.
Neither of them said anything through the entire transaction. The employee even let Anton read the total on the register himself. That isn’t up to customer service standards, but Anton chose to believe he was being perceptive. Anton’s expression at the time did not imply any interest in conversation.
He didn’t think much of the name written on the tag pinned to the man’s shirt. Sohee is a common name. Coming across the graveyard shift employees often enough for it to matter felt unlikely, so he didn’t commit it to memory.
He fished his wallet out of his deep front pocket and sifted for cash. Sohee, who seemed just as enthusiastic about cutting their interaction off, turned his change over in record time.
Right as Anton turned towards the door, Sohee spoke for the first time. “Have a good night.”
The words barely came out loud enough to be heard. Anton didn’t bother responding. He showed Sohee a weak thumbs up and walked straight out the door. Looking back on it, that’s a really boring and borderline unpleasant way to have met someone that would become his partner. Boyfriend. Either works.
At the time, it felt like nothing. He didn’t care or truly think about it until later, when he and Sohee started getting acquainted. He put all the pieces back together until he recalled everything about it. He remembers how one row of lights were off in the store, how Sohee stared at him while he walked up to the register. He regrets avoiding eye contact.
He’s since learned that Sohee saw something in him, even then. He knows that Sohee was hoping for him to pay with a credit card so he could get his name. He knows that Sohee scheduled shifts at various times in hopes of seeing him again.
This restaurant is loud. His dad called around noon to ask if he wanted to get dinner. It wasn’t really a question, they always go out the day after he arrives. He still appreciates the thought behind asking.
Anton doesn’t pay any attention to the food. He eats whatever meat his dad puts on his plate and focuses on staying present in the conversation. He sincerely wants to have a good evening with his dad despite fighting off the jet lag.
The predictable small talk lasted all of ten minutes. He should’ve known there would be something to answer for. His dad mentions it after a beat of silence. “You didn’t let your mother know you made it.”
Ah. She probably waited around all day to hear from him. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t forget last time too. Because of that, she told him three times to not forget on the way to the airport. And then again when he got out of the car. He pushes a piece of meat around his plate pitifully. “Is she mad?”
His dad sighs and puts his chopsticks down. “She’s not happy.” Disappointed is too harsh of a word to describe his dad’s expression. Tired, maybe. “I had to come to the apartment to see if you were there. You weren’t picking up your phone.”
Anton winces. “Sorry. I left it on the kitchen counter. Did you come in? Or…”
He gets a long nod in response. His dad takes forever to say anything. “I did. Evidently, you didn’t hear me. I know I wasn’t able to pick you up, and I’m sorry for that, but try not to give us that big of a scare. Your mother was thinking the worst.”
“I was really tired…” Defending himself with an excuse is not the way to go, if his dad’s face is any indication. “Can I call her with your phone? I have to get a new phone plan that accommodates international calls.”
“After we eat. She should be awake by then.” The disapproving look staring back at him has melted away. His dad likes to move on quickly after a resolution is agreed upon. He goes back to eating like this conversation had a bow put on it.
Anton has no option but to follow suit. He’ll send his mom a card with some pictures of him and his dad to make it up to her. He really doesn't want to hear about it for the next few weeks. It’s a good time to mention something productive and salvage whatever he can. “I’m gonna try to get a job. Maybe in electronics at a department store.”
That grabs his dad’s attention. He’s pleased to hear it. “Are you staying that long?”
Anton nods. ‘That long’ is relative. If he planned on going back to the states after a month or two, he relied on his savings and used the time to reset. The times he stayed longer than that, he would find a one off job to replenish what he spent and give him something to do. “I’m thinking 3 months or so. I’m going to apply tomorrow.”
His dad pinches his cheek the same way he’s done for as long as Anton can remember. “Good. Make sure you tell your mother that.”
Anton did tell her, after he apologized. She didn’t reprimand him. She wasn’t one to get angry. The main emotion he had to subdue was fear. He considers this an expert level diffusion, all things considered. Small wins.
He made good on his word the next day and went up to the closest department store to apply. The store must be hard pressed for staff, they practically hire him on the spot. Limited hours a few days a week like he wanted. Big wins.
Settling into his new schedule didn’t take much time. His shifts are almost entirely spent helping a number of older women buy the right phones and computers. They always tell him the same thing in the most exasperated voices. Their grandchildren need this, they need this device to keep up with said grandchildren. It’s sweet. Sweet, but also funny. He doesn’t laugh at them, of course. He masks his amusement as good customer service and they believe him. The job is easy in the way he expected it to be. It couldn’t get more convenient, honestly.
Today was the same as the others. He stopped to grab a drink on his way home and planned on wasting the rest of his day in bed. His interactions with Sohee have been completely average, typical customer-employee stuff. They make small talk and Anton walks out with his stuff. Nothing to write home about, no matter how much he might linger around the store. He likes walking around and poking at things until he commits to what he wants. He also likes sharing space with someone who has no expectations and makes no demands.
He ends up bringing a few different things to the register. A movie night sounds good. He still has a lot to watch from the pile of DVDs he’s been working through.
Sohee greets him with a smile. His smiles get warmer each time they interact. “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Anton hates how awkward he sounds. There’s nothing else he can say in response to that question, but he wishes it didn’t come out so dry. He tries to put it out of mind by falling into the routine of this. His fingers fumble over each other trying to get his card out of his wallet. He can feel Sohee watching him.
Sohee takes the card once he gets the chance. He flips it over a few times. The corners of his lips twitch when he looks at Anton and reads his name out, “Chanyoung. I’ve been waiting for you to run out of cash.”
Huh. Anton has known Sohee’s name since the first time they came across each other. He’s been on a first name basis with him in his head, and Sohee has only just discovered his. He feels shy at the revelation. “I had a lot from exchanging currency. You could have asked.”
Sohee looks more interested than he did before. “I could have, but I wouldn’t have found out you’re… Foreign? If I didn’t.”
This is the longest they’ve ever spoken. Anton is starting to get embarrassed under the attention. Still, he wants Sohee to keep asking questions. “I’m American.”
Sohee hands his card back over and finds his smile again. “Do you live here?”
“Um, sorta.” Sohee wouldn’t know the difference if he left it at ‘yes’. The actual answer might prolong this conversation, which is the goal. Sohee quirks an eyebrow and waits for Anton to continue.
“I go back and forth. My dad is here and my mom is in America. My brother hasn’t graduated yet, so they’re both there. I like having the option…” he says, embarrassment really creeping up on him now. He looks down at the bag on the counter. “Sorry, I’m taking too much of your time.“
He’s met with a weak shrug and the same gentle smile as before. “I asked. I’m curious about you, outside of your snack preferences. I’m very accustomed to that.”
There’s no way around it. Lying to himself is pointless. Anton is gonna leave here with a crush. An innocent one, but a crush nonetheless. He can’t remember the last time someone asked personal questions that weren’t of the sexual variety.
Sohee picks up where he left off. “When do you go back?”
That makes Anton scratch his neck. He doesn’t know. The timeline he’s considering could change at any moment. His brother is set to graduate, so he’ll have to go back for that. There’s a long time until then. He could be home well before the event demands his presence. Dropping everything and leaving isn’t impossible.
He’s overthinking it. Sohee is just making small talk. He can say anything and it would be satisfactory. “In a few months? I don’t have a routine. Just kinda,” he vaguely waves his hand around in the air, “Work around my plans.”
As he suspected, Sohee has a neutral reaction. A big one wouldn’t make much sense. His laidback demeanor folds strong. “Well, I hope you have a good time while you’re here. Don’t disappear on me.”
Is he flirting? Telling Anton not to leave without a word pushes the boundary of appreciating a pleasant customer. That could be wishful thinking born of his overarching loneliness. If that’s the case, he’ll get over it. Until that becomes apparent, he won’t let it leave his mind. One slow deep breath is where he holds the confidence to let his words flow. “I’ll give you a heads up.”
Sohee seems to enjoy how unquestionably Anton agrees to it. “Cool.”
The curt reply makes Anton more awkward. His lack of certainty about Sohee’s intentions are the reason he’s gonna take off before he can humiliate himself. He grabs the handles of the bag in front of him and takes a step back. “I’ve gotta go. It was nice talking to you.”
Sohee lets him off easy. He’s back to his general customer service voice when he says, “You too.”
Three weeks of working and catching Sohee during his shift has given Anton a sense of purpose. Usually, in both countries, hours feel like days. Now, he’s lucky if the days feel an hour long.
The Sohee part is silly to get hooked on. What can he say? Sohee is good looking and nice to him. And the only person he consistently sees and speaks to, even if the conversations don’t count for much. Or didn’t count for much. They moved past benchmark pleasantries last week.
Tonight, Anton leaves his apartment with the sole purpose of seeing him. Saying hi. Something like that. It’s been a few days and he’s itching to speak with someone he isn’t trying to sell a phone to.
Anton can see Sohee standing zoned out behind the counter from the street. He can also see the exact moment Sohee notices him.
Jogging the rest of the way would make him look too eager. He opts for a speed walk, showing an equally polite smile until he’s inside the store and in front of him. Then, they both smile with their teeth.
Sohee crosses his arms over his chest, clearly about to give Anton a hard time. “Where have you been?”
Anton tries the short sentence thing Sohee does. “Working.”
“I was starting to wonder if you found a different store to go to.” Sohee looks to be having fun. He puts a hand over his heart and makes a sad face. “I thought my favorite regular found someone new.”
Anton knows he’s just joking, but he likes being someone’s favorite anything. It helps that Sohee is really hot and charming. A guy like that waiting up for him is more than enough to keep him coming back. He’s still thinking of a reply when the automatic door opens to his left. He’s on borrowed time standing at the register. “Definitely not. I live in the building down the street. I haven’t considered making the trip in any other direction.”
“Hm. Good to know,” Sohee murmurs, eyes looking past Anton. A teasing smile blooms on his face. “Are you gonna buy anything?”
Anton didn’t grab something when he came in. He pats his pockets, growing more panicked as he doesn’t feel his wallet anywhere. Leaving it at home is a rookie mistake. His words come out sheepish, “Ah, no. I’ll be back later. I forgot my wallet.”
Sohee’s voice is low and apologetic. “I’ve gotta take care of the person behind you.”
He nods at Sohee, then the person behind him as he turns to leave. A bit of a fumble, but he got what he came for. Intentionally or not, Sohee is actively enabling him.
Anton has to admit, he didn’t think he would ever find himself locked in a staff only bathroom. The possibility of this situation never crossed his mind, which he thinks is pretty normal. It’s not some average weekday occurrence. If it is for someone out there, good for them. If they had it half as good as Anton, he’s happy for them. Truly.
He doesn’t think the moments leading up to it were particularly significant. He walked in and pretended to look around the same way they were used to.
He glanced at Sohee over the shelves a few times. He kept breaking eye contact because he was already staring back. He was perched on a stool, very obviously waiting for Anton to stop walking around. If he had to guess, he would say Sohee never stopped looking.
Anton made his way up to Sohee as slow as he could manage. He dropped whatever it was he grabbed on the counter that separated them. Sohee didn't move. Not even towards the register instinctively. He made a face that Anton can only describe as amused. He didn’t say anything, instead going for a quick tilt of his head.
Anton felt kinda dumb sticking his thumb out in the same direction. He’s seen the door where employees go in and out. He tried his best to contain the idea he had about what might happen, but his mind never stopped racing.
Sohee shrugged, like it was the most innocuous command in the world. He walked away when he made it verbally. “Come on.”
Anton let out the breath he’d been holding as soon as Sohee was too far away to hear it. He could be assuming all the wrong things because he hasn’t been with anyone since he came to Korea. Dating isn’t the easiest. He’s given up on it, really. His options were mostly nice guys, but not usually looking for a long term relationship. Maybe it was an Anton thing. He tries not to wonder about that.
Standing in front of Sohee convinced him that his assumption was right. Sohee had his back against the door with ‘employees only’ engraved into a small piece of metal. He smiled at Anton, eyes raking up and down, leaving no room for confusion. “Do you want to?”
“Um. Yeah? I think so.” He internally cringed at himself. He hoped Sohee didn’t think he was unenthusiastic. That was the farthest thing from the truth.
“Are you sure? You want to?” Sohee sounded dead serious. There was no smugness or teasing. He wanted to be sure he didn’t read Anton wrong.
Anton nodded so hard it looked like he had a broken neck. His fingers twitched at the sides of his thighs too. He felt like he was suffocating on how badly he wanted to be touched. He didn’t know or care about what Sohee wanted to do, there was quite literally nothing he would say no to.
Sohee nodded back, relaxed and genuine. He turned the door handle and pushed it open, pointedly staring at Anton. “Go ahead.”
Anton definitely walked too fast. He probably looked too eager, as opposed to the potentially unenthusiastic impression he might’ve given earlier. Maybe not. This was Sohee’s idea.
Inside is just a bathroom. If he wasn’t so desperate, he’d think this is too pathetic. He thought he was past his public-bathroom-sex phase. Apparently not.
Anton was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t realize Sohee came in and closed the door. He had to look like a deer in headlights. He needs to ask the question that’s ringing in his head. “How did you know I’m…”
He hasn’t called himself gay many times in his life. Not gay, not queer, none of it. He’s not ashamed or anything. Pretending to be straight caused more pain than it was worth. He accepted only being attracted to men at a young age. He doesn’t think he really needs to proclaim a label, given the fact that most of the gay and bisexual men he’s met seem to just know.
Sohee shrugs again, the open space between them getting smaller with strategic steps forward. “I just did. Had a feeling.”
Yeah. Right. That’s what he thought. He’s not offended, it’s just interesting. Everyone seems to know as well as he, himself, does.
Sohee picks up on Anton’s mental distance. He distracts him by grabbing his wrists and switching their places in one go. He forces Anton into walking backwards by stepping closer and closer into his face. Anton most definitely wants Sohee in his face, but that wasn’t the point.
Once Anton’s back hits the door, Sohee drops his wrists and brings his hand up to Anton’s jaw. The other is on his waist. Sohee stares at him, eyes trailing from his eyes to his lips. He looks content when his gaze comes back up.
Anton is frozen in his spot. His teeth are sunken deep into his bottom lip, silencing any stupid thing he could say. He can’t believe this is happening. He’s really turned on by Sohee being unprofessional in pursuit of him. It’s unfathomable.
Sohee uses the space between his index finger and thumb to turn Anton’s face side to side. He seems keen on getting a long look before anything else happens. “Can I kiss you? Do you want me too?”
Anton feels like he’s about to be eaten. He releases his bottom lip and whispers, “Yeah, yeah. Please.”
Sohee smiles so beautifully. His canines are really long and sharp. They would feel amazing scratching lines into the side of Anton’s neck.
He doesn’t get that kiss. He gets Sohee pulling his neck down to crush their lips together. Crush is a bit dramatic. It feels like a huge, cataclysmic thing because Anton is so touch deprived. In reality, it’s very normal and safe.
His fingers curl into the wooden door. It’s like he’s forgotten how to navigate this kind of thing. He can’t think straight with Sohee controlling every aspect of the kiss. Relinquishing control feels almost as good as their lips slipping and sliding across each other. Anton can feel every tuft of air coming from Sohee’s nose against his upper lip. Their noses also keep bumping into each other, but Sohee doesn’t seem to mind. If he doesn’t mind, Anton doesn’t either.
Anton chases Sohee’s mouth at the slightest indication he’s pulling away. Despite the earnest attempt, he doesn’t get much of a choice. Sohee pushes his upper back flat on the door and stares in a way that tells him moving won’t get him what he wants any faster. A small frown weighs heavy on his features. He wants to keep kissing. He wants to kiss for the rest of Sohee’s shift, whenever it ends.
Sohee looks the opposite. In fact, he laughs. It’s not mocking, more so surprised. “You’re really into this. I wasn’t sure if coming onto you like that was weird. We’re strangers.”
His hand is the lone force holding Anton against the door. He can absolutely feel how fast his heart is beating. “It wasn’t weird. I think I’m being weirder about it, actually. I would let you do almost anything to me right now.”
That makes a bigger laugh burst out of Sohee’s chest. “I’m flattered. You shouldn’t say that to people you barely know. Luckily for you, all I want to do is make you feel good. You’re always walking around here like a puppy that hasn’t had anyone to play with. I think we can fix that.”
Anton’s fingers circle Sohee’s wrist. He won’t ever repeat what he said. He knows Sohee didn’t mean it like that, but he loves being told what to do. All he was hoping for when he came here was eye contact with a person who looks back. A little small talk would've been good too. He’s worried he’s gonna wake up with a boner because all of this is a really vivid wet dream. “I want you,” his fingers close tighter around, “I want you to fix it.”
They don’t know each other very well, but the look on Sohee's face is pure satisfaction. “You have to let me go. I can’t do much when you’re cutting off circulation to my hand.”
“Sorry. Please touch me,” he begs, releasing the hand he was holding hostage. Over eager would be an understatement.
Sohee doesn’t waste time now that they’re on the same page. He takes Anton’s face into his hand just like before. Instead of diving right in, he sticks his tongue out to trace the shape of Anton’s lips. He looks Anton in the eye the entire time. When he goes over the outline, the cupids bow, the crease where the top and bottom lips meet, and when he kisses both corners.
Anton is relieved when Sohee really kisses him. Sohee’s tongue is so far in his mouth that his small noises don't make it out, their existence morphing into mere vibrations. It’s a good thing. Anton has resigned himself to his eagerness. That said, moaning and whining like crazy over kissing is something he’d prefer to stifle.
Sohee grabs Anton’s elbows and guides him into holding his waist. It’s remarkably tiny. Anton knew Sohee was small. Proportionate, but small. Anton isn’t too proud to admit he’s imagined him naked before. Even though he still can’t see what Sohee’s body truly looks like, he’s amazed by how his hands fit around it.
The way their tongues roll over each other is making Anton feel drunk. They could stop now and Anton would be able to will himself into contentment.
Sohee’s free hand snakes down to unzip the baggy hoodie he’s wearing and that thought is thrown out the window. There’s a loud smacking noise and a long string of spit connecting their lips when Sohee takes a step back. For the first time, Sohee is the starstruck one. “I can’t believe you’ve been hiding this.”
Anton squirms under Sohee’s fingers ghosting across his faint abs. His exhales are shaky from such small touches. Sohee only has two total fingers grazing his stomach and thinks he might get hard.
”You’re really sensitive.” Sohee uses all of the fingers on his left hand to follow the edge of Anton’s waistband and rub his cock through the two layers. “So cute.”
Anton is getting frustrated. He thought he was fine with just kissing and not touching below the belt, but that’s not true anymore. Sohee is so close to reaching into his pants and touching him where he needs it.
“I can’t keep waiting,” he whines, patience rapidly depleting. His hands shoot around Sohee’s waist and grab his ass to pull him forward. Anton won’t feel close enough until their dicks are pressing right against each other. Sohee lets him do it, seemingly unfazed by getting manhandled and used for friction. Anton rocks their hips together over and over, to the point where his eyes start rolling into the back of his head. He could cum from this and he wouldn’t care. Sohee would pity him, but that’s an issue for later.
Right when he decides to take it that far, Sohee resists and draws him out of his haze. “Wait a second. I haven't seen your dick yet.”
Dry humping was one thing. Sohee actually taking his dick out and getting his hands on it was another. Managing his volume while Sohee touched him like that would be a no go. He’s genuinely beginning to question Sohee’s lack of apprehension. Partially because he doesn’t want any random people hearing him moan through the door in a convenience store, partially because he wants Sohee to keep his job. He doesn’t know where Sohee lives, him getting fired could make seeing each other a lot more difficult. If Sohee wants to keep seeing him at all. “What if someone hears? You’re supposed to be working.”
Sohee rolls his eyes. “Do you want me to suck your dick or not? If anyone comes in, they’ll leave because no one is out there. Don’t worry about it.”
He drops to his knees and looks at Anton for permission. Anton wishes he could take a picture from this angle. The best he can do is take one mentally and nod.
The jeans and underwear he’s wearing are off his hips and pooling around his feet in seconds. His cock sprung straight up in front of Sohee’s face, the tip red and raging. Anton can’t stand to look at it. Being rock hard already is so embarrassing, Sohee has barely touched him.
Sohee’s mouth is gaping a few inches away from where his cock stands between them. “Holy shit. I thought the top of your body was crazy, but this is ridiculous. I won’t be able to take it all.”
He hears that a lot. The novelty of it as a compliment wore off fast. “It’s fine. Just hurry and take what fits. I can get off on half of it inside,” he bites out, eyes squeezed tight to ignore the breaths fanning over it.
Sohee scoffs and loosely wraps his hand around the base. “I thought you were shy.” He spits on the head, waiting for it to dribble down while flicking his tongue over the biggest vein. He leaves a kiss there and adds, “I wouldn’t let you get away with talking to me like that if I didn’t think you’re so cute.”
He slowly takes about half of the shaft into his mouth before pulling off again. Anton forces himself to look down. His cheeks are burning and knows how pent up he must look by now. It would be hard not to with Sohee’s eyes staring up at him.
Sohee raises his palm up and waits. Anton isn’t totally sure he interprets it right, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He spits as much saliva as he can onto it and prays he thought right.
Based on Sohee’s smile, that’s exactly what he wanted Anton to do. “Good boy.”
The teasing is too much. He isn’t gonna make it. Lasting isn’t his strong suit and he doesn’t want to turn Sohee off by making him think he can’t control himself.
Sohee takes more than half of it in his mouth and uses the hand covered in Anton’s spit to twist around what he can’t fit. Anton’s hands are balled up in fists at his side to avoid grabbing the back of Sohee’s head and pushing his whole cock down his throat. He wants to so badly. He could hurt Sohee like that. He needs to be good enough that Sohee will let him come back for more.
The suction Sohee has around his cock is unwavering. He has no trouble with the length stuffed in his mouth. Sohee pulls back a little to focus on the head. He goes back and forth between letting it poke out of his cheek and swirling his tongue around the small hole on the tip.
Anton might as well be singing. The lines between where his moans end and begin are nonexistent. His back is arching like a bowstring off the door. He’s ready to unload everything he’s been fighting off into Sohee’s mouth. He shouldn’t do that without asking.
He touches Sohee’s head for the first time and tries to pull him off, just in case he doesn't want to swallow a cumshot. It’s futile. Sohee makes it a point to take more of his cock, making it the most he’s tried thus far.
“I… h-have to pull out.” He’s a hypocrite. He could have said it louder, given Sohee some kind of tap as a warning. Against his better judgment, he doesn’t stop his fingers from trying to grip the short hairs on the back of Sohee’s head.
Sohee holds his hips against the door so he can’t thrust while his cum coats his throat. Each of Anton’s breaths are cut off in the middle by stuttering moans. Sohee swallowed everything he had to give like he planned on doing so all along. He cringed a little, but swallowed it nonetheless.
He drops his jaw to keep his teeth from scratching Anton’s dick on its way out. Anton’s abs reflexively contract from the light kiss Sohee leaves on the tip before letting it hang and finish softening. Anton is going to remember this forever.
Sohee inhales sharply when he tries getting up from his knees. The tile had to be painful after that long. Anton offers him a hand in the process and asks, out of sincere concern, “Does it hurt?”
Sohee does take his hand. “Not too bad.” He pulls Anton’s underwear up and gently tucks his dick back in. He pulls his pants back into place as well, zipping and buttoning them up like Anton is a doll. “Worth it.”
Anton’s heart drops when he remembers how little he contributed. “What about you? You’re still hard, right? I didn’t get to do anything for you.”
Sohee smiles at him, clearly pleased by the concern. “It’s okay..” He toys with the zipper on Anton’s hoodie for a few moments before continuing, “I had to test the waters. How would I know how big your dick is if I didn’t? I’ll let you fuck me, but it’s really big. We’ll have to spend some time working up to it, okay?”
He’s saying this stuff like it’s common conversation. Anton will never have to watch porn again if sleeping with Sohee becomes a regular occurrence. Anton needs, like, twenty more experiences like this. He’ll beg if he has to.
“Okay. I want to. I can help get you ready to take it.” He sounds so juvenile. If he weren’t so concerned with keeping Sohee’s interest, he’d laugh at himself. Right now, absolutely nothing is funny.
“Great.” Sohee is smiling wide and patting Anton’s covered chest. “My shift isn’t over yet. Come see me tomorrow and I’ll give you my phone number.”
Anton nods a dozen times. He’s a little scared of Sohee. In a good way.
Sohee steps back so Anton can come off the door. Once he’s out of the way, he opens it to let him out. Anton notices Sohee hiding halfway behind it and not following him out. He must look visibly confused, because Sohee offers an explanation, “You go ahead. Don’t worry about me. I’ll think about you the whole time.”
Anton doesn’t move when the door shuts in his face. His feet aren’t responding to his brain. He needs to leave. Sohee didn’t say he could stick around and listen.
The usually five minute walk back to his apartment takes ten. He has to walk differently to not overstimulate his ridiculously sensitive dick. Despite the lingering physical proof of what happened, he won’t actually believe it was real until he sees Sohee again.
They fuck 3 more times before Sohee says he wants to take Anton’s whole dick. That’s the exact sentence that hits Anton’s ear through the phone. No greeting, straight to the point.
He’s so glad Sohee wants to do this today. Not because he wants to rush him, but because he’s not working and doesn’t have to say anything close to no. Even if he was working, he would’ve called off. He wants to pretend he would’ve put his literal job first. Unfortunately, that’s not true. Sohee doesn’t have to know that.
The volume on his phone is low, but he jolts upon hearing Sohee’s voice again. “Are you there?”
Anton has to get better about keeping up with him. To be honest, his brain hasn’t caught up since Sohee blew him in that bathroom. The other three times they had sex, Sohee did whatever he wanted, trying to squeeze as much of Anton’s cock as he could fit inside him. Anton never intervened. He was way more turned on by watching Sohee figure out how much he could or couldn’t take than any idea he could’ve conjured up on his own. He didn’t mind being on his back while Sohee treated his body like a challenge.
He sits up in his bed. “Yeah, sorry. Do you mean now?”
“Now. Come over.” The connection promptly cuts off. Sohee really isn’t a man of many words.
Anton flips his blanket off his legs and gets dressed as fast as he can. Sohee only lives a few blocks away. Walking won’t keep him waiting as long as public transit.
Sohee meets him at the door in a tank top and shorts that look like they might slip off when he takes a step. Though, they aren’t loose enough to hide the fact that he’s hard. That, coupled with the flush that starts on his face and goes down to the lowest part of his exposed chest, is insane.
Sohee leads Anton to the bedroom by a sticky hand. He seems more eager than Anton for once, walking so fast that he has to take longer steps to match his pace. Once they’re in, Sohee grabs Anton by his collar and pulls him down into a wet and messy kiss. This is what Anton means when he says he can’t keep up. Sohee has to bite his bottom lip a few times before he remembers to put his hands to work.
He makes good use of them. Sohee moans into his mouth when his dick catches on his waistband in the middle of them being pulled down. No underwear. They had the same idea. Anton doesn’t have any on either.
His fingers are lifting the edge of Sohee's top before his shorts hit the ground. He wasn’t sure he wanted to rush this, but Sohee would not take kindly to him drawing anything out right now.
They’re both panting in each other’s faces as they take turns yanking their shirts off. Sohee slams their lips back together the moment Anton’s is past his head. Sohee doesn’t stop devouring Anton the whole time he’s untying the drawstring on his sweatpants. Sohee whines — which is rare — when Anton separates them. They can’t keep going if he doesn’t know what Sohee prefers. “How do you want me?”
“You have to be on top. My thighs will shake too much if I try to ride you with all of it in me.” Sohee says things that Anton never thought he would hear. Never in his life has someone spoken to him like this. Sohee is so blunt about what he wants, lewd commands come out casually.
Both of Sohee’s arms cross behind Anton’s neck. Accurately reading his cues has been hit or miss, this is one of those times where his best guess is the only option. Sohee has kept himself busy by kissing Anton’s jaw and neck while waiting for him to do something.
There’s a moment of hesitation leading up to it. He places both hands on the back of Sohee’s thighs so he can lift him up. Sohee helps him out by wrapping his legs around his waist once he’s high enough. Definitely the right choice.
The bed is less than five steps away. Sohee keeps his arms locked tight on the way down to the mattress. There was a pillow close enough for Anton to position it under Sohee’s lower back. From his clothes to this, Anton can tell he set everything up to make the process easier and faster.
Sohee’s voice is barely more than a breath, “It’s to your right.”
Anton looks beside them, and just like Sohee said, it’s all there. He was expecting the condom and lube, not the two dildos. He looks back and forth between them and Sohee’s face as if it’s the craziest thing in the world.
“What? Did you think fingering myself would be enough?” Sohee asks, sounding every bit embarrassed. “I’ll have to use one again if you keeping staring instead of fucking me.”
Anton shakes his head fast and reaches for the condom. He lifts it up to Sohee’s mouth and rips it open from the place Sohee holds it between his teeth. Making him do that revives some of Anton’s dignity.
Sohee watches him roll it on with his mouth dropped open. Anton knows his dick is big, but Sohee’s reaction to it is consistently strong. Maybe he’s not used to bottoming? Anton doesn’t know. Now isn’t the time to ponder on it.
Sohee grabs the lube himself and pushes the bottle into Anton’s hand. “Use a lot.”
The amount Anton spreads on his dick feels like excessive. He'd rather use too much than too little. Doing what Sohee says is best. He could turn his brain off, only opening his ears to Sohee’s commands, and satisfy him. Sohee chooses his words carefully. He tells Anton exactly how he wants it every time, the only one he questions in these situations is himself.
Asking Sohee if he’s ready would result in an eye roll and exasperated sigh, so he decides against it. He keeps close watch on Sohee’s face as he feeds his cock in, looking for any microexpressions while it goes deeper and deeper. He wants this to be a positive experience and do it as many times Sohee will allow. That’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one.
A strangled moan claws out of Sohee’s throat when Anton’s cock pushes past the halfway point. The farthest Sohee could take before today was half. They’ve both had mind blowing orgasms with only that much, how all of it will feel is overwhelming to think about. Sohee can’t stop crying out as Anton keeps going. It’s hard not to worry. Sohee told him very sternly not to on his behalf. If he wants to stop, he’ll tell him in plain words.
Sohee breathes through another inch without needing to throw his hand back and brace himself on the headboard. He sounds out of breath when he grits out, “Is that it?”
Anton is slow to reply. He can’t tear his eyes away from the place they’re joined together. Sohee did a lot of prepping before Anton got here, but looking at it now, Anton isn’t sure it was enough. It looks and feels really, really tight. “…Almost.”
“Fuck—” Sohee cuts himself off to argue against Anton moving backwards. He grabs his face with his dormant hand to catch his attention. “Do not pull out. I can handle the rest.”
Anton holds eye contact and takes his word for it. They make very similar whimpering noises when Anton finally pushes all the way inside. This isn’t at all comparable to the other times Anton has fucked someone. In the past, he felt like one part of a transaction. He wanted to have sex with those people, but seeking them out had a lot to do with his isolation. It was the easiest way to connect with someone and not have to explain anything. He didn’t feel like the orgasms took his breath away or stuck with him well after the fact. Those guys happened to like, and exploit, his dick on the first attempt. Because of that, the sex was quick and unremarkable. Anton is human, so he almost always got off just from being inside someone.
His disillusionment came from how impersonal it could be. Sleeping with Sohee has a more personal edge. Every time they’ve been together, Sohee came to him under the pretense of taking time and effort to go farther than he had before. His motivation stemmed from a vulnerable place. An outside party might say Anton is reading too much into it. The difference still counts for something. He loves that Sohee likes something about him this much, even if it’s just his body.
Sohee is heaving and slowly adjusting his hips. Anton sees that as an opportunity to comfort him. He interlocks their fingers on the mattress and uses the other to rub Sohee’s chest. On one of the passes, Anton grazes his nipple.
“Ah— Come on.” Sohee looks insanely sexy. Strung out and on edge and he hasn’t even told Anton to start moving yet. The skin underneath Anton’s fingers feels like it’s on fire. Anton keeps his hand heavy on Sohee’s chest when he arches his back and starts moving around. “Need it, Chanyoung. Need you.”
“I know, I know. Just a second.” Anton shushed him, trying to sound more put together than he feels. He tilts Sohee’s hips the tiniest bit to get the right angle. It’s hard to pull out when Sohee is sucking him in so much. Not pulling out is sexy in its own right. Next time, he’ll ask if it’s okay to stay like this for longer.
Today isn’t about him. He needs to make this good for Sohee. He swallows the moans that try to break free with every small thrust. He works up to a steady pace, one that’s on the slower end. His brain isn’t betraying him very much, he isn’t overcome with the need to pound into Sohee. His head is still clear enough to focus on giving it to Sohee how he wants it.
Sohee grows impatient by the second. He’s rolling his hips faster than Anton is fucking him, unable to tear his eyes away his own cock bouncing against his stomach. There’s a battle between his mind and mouth, each attempt at speaking interrupted by Anton burying his cock as far as it can go. He fills his lungs with air and spits it out. “Harder. Fuck me like you mean it.”
Anton tries a couple different combinations. Hard and shallow, hard and deep. If Sohee had a preference, he couldn’t tell. The additional force behind his thrusts alone makes his face contort and body surge up. Answering demands with obedience is his only defense against the sight beneath him. He doesn’t know what’s more of a test, looking at Sohee’s cock or his face. Focusing on neither will have to be the solution.
Sohee wasn’t lying about the thigh shaking thing. On his way to tuck his face between Sohee’s neck and shoulder, Anton felt spasming under his fingers. Concern should be Anton’s prevailing emotion. It’s not. Not when Sohee set this up. He wanted this to happen. He knew Anton would have to watch him rattle without permission to do anything else.
The new pace he sets is one he’d argue is too fast, but who is he to make that call? Giving it to Sohee fast feels great for them both. He adjusts the angle one more time to see if he can find Sohee’s prostate. By the looks of it, Sohee might cum just from getting split open. As appealing as that is, finding it and making Sohee scream would be a lot more rewarding. Not to mention, it will give him an incentive to ask for it again.
The angle change works. Sohee’s nails are scratching down his back, digging deep to the point where Anton winces. He’s mewling and riding the rhythm like he wants to cum right now. “F-faster.”
Anton ramps it up as much as he can, which isn’t a lot. Obscene squelching and smacking noises accompany the realization that Sohee is cumming. His body locks up, unable to writhe underneath Anton’s weight. Anton loves how piercing Sohee’s moans are. He hates how he can’t see his cock spitting and twitching. It’s an ego thing, wanting to see the impact he had on someone who could flaunt stamina.
Their current position helps him feel like he’s not missing out on much. They couldn’t be any closer. Chest to chest, heartbeats banging against each other, is the extent of contact they can get in any position. Anton’s lips are constantly pressing onto different areas of Sohee’s cheek and jaw as he tries to find the words. “Feels so good— Sohee, it feels so good. Please let me cum inside you next time. Please let me.”
To tell the truth, that isn’t an appropriate thing to ask someone he’s only fucked a few times. He’ll apologize later. For now, his cum shoots into the condom and stays trapped there. His whimpers are short and small as he rides it out.
They stare at each other long and hard while coming down. Anton takes his time pulling out, letting Sohee breathe through the loss. His remaining coherence is spent lingering on the gaping hole he leaves Sohee with.
Nervousness washes over him as soon as his back is sticking to the mattress next to Sohee. He should explain himself. The begging came without warning and he’s still worried about saying or doing something Sohee won’t like.
Sohee breaks the silence. “I can’t believe you just did that.”
Anton‘s eyes go wide. It was the begging. He did everything else Sohee told him to. If Sohee didn’t think it was good, he might become celibate. Seriously. No point in trying to fuck after that. “Did what?”
“Fucked me like that. You’re so sweet and sensitive, I didn’t think you had it in you. I was wrong. I thought you were gonna split me in half at the end.” Sohee is laughing like Anton asked a stupid question. Anton’s brain is about to leak out of his ears and Sohee is laughing.
He’s stuck somewhere between being offended and proud. Despite the latter, he has to stand up for himself. “I wasn’t a virgin before this, you know. I’ve had plenty of sex.”
The amusement in Sohee’s voice persists, “I know that now! You just made me cum my vision went out and didn’t even touch my dick. That never happens.”
Knowing that will go to his head. It makes him more than proud. Smug is what he’s actually feeling. He’s not in competition with the other people Sohee fucks, but hearing that makes him think he’s winning. “Don’t stoke my ego too much.”
A smile hangs on Sohee’s face. “If stroking your ego makes you fuck me like that, I’ll have to keep doing it. ”
He sits up from where he melted into the mattress and retrieves his clothes from the floor. He looks at Anton from across the room every time he doesn’t have to pay attention to getting his clothes back on.
“You should come over to mine in a few days. I want to do this again when I’m not sore. We can order takeout after.” He sounds excited. His voice doesn’t carry an ounce of fear.
The offer is his way of saying he wants to hang out. They did so briefly last week, for about an hour. In the context of their relationship, that counts as ‘spending time together’.
Anton is too tired to do anything but nod. He’s greatly looking forward to it and would show that if he had more energy. Sohee won’t take it personally.
He thought Sohee was all the way out the door when he leaned his head back in. “By the way, I will let you cum in me. I like that you begged for it.”
It wasn’t an invitation to go running for it now. Just like Sohee would want him to, he stays in his bed and listens to the front door open and close.
As of now, the most they’ve done together in public is catch a couple movies. Anton was able to convince Sohee the first time when Sohee ran into him at work. They ended up going to a super late showing. They had the auditorium all to themselves, which gave them the opportunity to be a little obnoxious. Typical PDA wasn’t something they crossed into, but they did sneak in more- than-friendly contact.
Anton talked Sohee’s ear off throughout most of the runtime. He chose a movie he’d already seen so he could spend 2 hours basking in their time together, rather than waste it on the screen. It was selfish to purposefully make himself a distraction.
Sohee seemed amused more than anything. When Anton’s rambling went on and on, Sohee popped a popcorn kernel in his mouth and said he was trying to watch the movie. Anton took it seriously. He didn’t utter a word until a few minutes later. Sohee tapping his foot against his and asking a question about a character opened the door for communication again. Sohee has a knack for teasing in the name of a power trip.
He searched for it again at the end of the movie. There wasn’t much time before the lights would cut on, so he made the most of it. Anton was in the middle of a lore dump when Sohee stuck a finger slick with butter in his mouth. If Anton made it through his shock fast enough, he would have grabbed Sohee’s wrist and licked them all clean. All he managed was a muffled yelp and open mouth after Sohee pulled it out.
What got to Anton the most was how bold it was to do in public. Sure, they were alone in a dark theater past midnight on a weekday. The risk of it was low in that particular circumstance. Regardless, the risk was there and Sohee took it. It felt really good.
Anton wanted more of it than Sohee would let him have. He has an endless pool of want when it comes to him. While he makes sure he stays content with what he’s given, he can’t shake how excessively he hangs onto every intimate detail of their interactions. The depth of his need for Sohee would maim a person with less determination.
He will maximize every moment like it’s the last. If he gets his way, Sohee will make it so he doesn’t have to worry about running out of time. Ideally, there won’t be an alarm that rings and shatters the world Anton is trying to build.
Now that the movie is over and Sohee is walking away from their seats, Anton faces reality. He has, at best, thirty minutes left.
Sohee never turns around to see if Anton is behind him. Anton has to jog to catch up. He leaves a small distance in case Sohee is annoyed or something. Anton is still learning how to decipher Sohee’s microexpressions and inexplicable bouts of silence.
Sohee isn’t paying Anton a lick of attention. He might not even respond if Anton confronted him. An internal debate about how far he could trail Sohee was plaguing him. He’d been walking kind of slow, gradually speeding up as Sohee got closer to the door.
Sohee suddenly stopped in the middle of the walkway and turned on his heels. If Anton picked up his pace as much as he wanted to, he would’ve walked right into him.
The lights weren’t bright enough to combat the shadows casted over his face. He had no confident read on what Sohee was thinking. The only thing he had to go off of is swearing he saw the glint of Sohee’s teeth.
He gives into the game. “Why did you do that?”
The lopsided smile Sohee is sporting shows through the darkness. “I wanted you to chase me. You’re just like a puppy. If I said bye and walked away right now, you would still stay close to me. I bet you’d ask to walk me all the way home.”
Anton is glad it’s dark over here. He doesn’t want to give Sohee the satisfaction of seeing him blush. He looks away and crosses his arms over his chest. “I wouldn’t,”
“You weren’t planning on convincing me to bring you home? No intention of taking me to my apartment and finding a reason to come in?” Contrary to his predicament, Sohee reads him like a book. He’s always one step ahead. Anton feels caught up in a web, stuck under the mercy of all the ways Sohee runs circles around him. “I think you should go to your place. You won’t miss me if I let you sleep with me everyday.”
That’s the only thing Sohee’s gotten wrong so far. He starts missing Sohee a couple hours after they part. It’s not the kind of missing that ruins his whole day, rather the kind that makes him anticipate the next time they see each other. If he had more shame, he would blame it on his lack of friends. Sohee scratches the itch he has for companionship. Getting used to another new person isn’t necessary.
For what he lacks in shame, he makes up for in attitude. They both know that Anton only unleashes his complaining for show, pouting and whining whenever Sohee didn’t indulge him. Anton huffs, mumbling under his breath, “Whatever.”
Sohee snaps his fingers and points at him. “See! You’re getting spoiled. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.”
Anton isn’t spoiled. He’s greedy. No amount of time and affection from Sohee is too much. He already told Anton to go to his own house, he had nothing to lose in throwing all of his cards on the table. “Do whatever you want with me. To me.“
The comedic undertone held in Sohee’s initial words gets lost. Anton is unfazed by his confession hanging in the air. Sohee should know he isn’t joking.
Sohee fidgets, taking his hat off and readjusting it aimlessly. The point of this conversation was to play with Anton and make him look a little silly. Playing the game has a time and place. For Anton, it stopped being a game when Sohee said he wouldn’t miss him. How could he let him believe something so comically untrue? He intends on winning Sohee over, not keeping him at a distance for a ridiculous reason.
A solely sexual conquest means next to nothing when it comes to Sohee. The sex is never the only thing he misses. When they aren’t together he misses Sohee laughing at his expense. He misses asking him simple questions and answering the ones Sohee poses. He misses listening to him breathe while he sleeps and watching his chest slowly rise and fall. He misses the opportunity to power through shaking legs so he can wipe the sweat off of Sohee’s chest.
If he told a friend about Sohee, they could say it’s too fast. He wouldn’t argue about it, because so what? At the end of the day, it changes nothing. Sohee gives him what he needs after years of being deprived. In Anton’s opinion, they haven’t moved fast enough.
Sohee stopped fussing over his hat and stuffed his hands in his pockets. His resolve is broken in pieces. “Let’s go.”
He doesn’t initiate any conversation during the ten minute walk to his place. Anton worries about pushing his luck, so he leaves the quiet as it stands.
Very few words are exchanged before they get into bed. Sohee could have leaned into a sexual interpretation of Anton’s words, and he would’ve been fine with that. Still, he would be lying if he said sleeping through the night wrapped up in the warmth of Sohee’s body, sharing his blanket, and eliminating all personal space didn’t mean more.
The comfort he felt was palpable. He could have dozed off in minutes if his mind wasn’t running wild with ideas about where they could go from here. He imagines one of them staying in bed past the time the other left for work and sealing goodbyes with kisses. He imagines buying a second toothbrush and spreading clothes between their two homes. He imagines lifting Sohee on the counters so they could be the same height for a little while.
Sohee holding Anton at a distance eggs him on. Sohee is soft around the edges. He might even be hiding bigger feelings for Anton. Call it wishful thinking, call it delusion. Anton will find a way to get Sohee all to himself.
They’ve been laying together for a few hours. Sohee came over to watch a Naruto movie that just got a dvd release. He loves it way more than Anton likes anything. Anything except sohee, obviously.
His personality comes out explosively whenever he rants about a new episode. Sohee intended on bringing Anton up to speed with the story, like he did in that movie theater. Sohee would have been successful if cuddling hadn’t knocked him out an hour in. Anton joined him relatively quickly.
By the time they woke up, the menu screen was idle and no light passed through the curtains. They waste another hour ranting about work instead of finding where the movie left off.
When the conversation lulls, Sohee sits up from his place on Anton’s chest and straddles his lap. He’s staring at Anton, eyes slowly making their way across every inch of exposed skin. “Your mole here,” Sohee says, poking a spot just above Anton’s armpit. “It’s like mine.”
Anton looks between both of Sohee’s arms until his eyes lock on it. Sohee has a tiny mole close to the place his finger is touching. Anton hadn’t made the connection before.
Sohee is looking down at him with more sweetness than Anton has ever been the subject of. Sohee’s finger comes up to Anton’s top lip and taps the mole there. “I thought this one was my favorite. I like sharing one with you better.”
God. Becoming familiar with hidden parts of someone’s body only takes a few hookups. Mentioning it would be normal after that amount of time, too. That said, seeing each other every few days for a month established a different kind of intimacy. One that makes Sohee’s wording feel loaded. If he said something earlier, it would’ve been playful and treated as a coincidence. Sohee bringing it up right now, on a day where they haven’t had sex, makes Anton want to give himself up. He’ll do anything to keep hearing Sohee say he wants to share things. Being born with the same moles isn’t sharing, it’s more intense than that. That being: Sohee likes being stamped in the same place Anton is. Sohee looks in the mirror and sees Anton on himself.
Anton has always been one to dish out affection, maybe to a fault. He questions it less with Sohee because he says what he means. He wouldn’t describe Sohee as transparent, but his vulnerability hits like a punch when he does open himself. He rubs his hands up and down Sohee’s thighs. “I like the one under your eye. You have the prettiest face.”
Anton continues with a small voice, “I counted all of the moles on your face once. The second or third time I saw you. I found so many more when I had the chance to look at you naked. I counted again when you slept over for the first time. I pretended to sleep first in case you’d think it was weird.”
Anton can tell Sohee wants to look away out of embarrassment. Pride swells in his chest the longer Sohee fights it. In a conflict with himself, he pins Anton's hands to the mattress until it dips under the pressure. “I’ll be honest. I would’ve been spooked. Not because it's weird, you’re very romantic. I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. I don’t think I do now.”
Anton can feel his heart rate increasing in his rib cage. If he heard that from anyone else, he would have taken it personally. Sohee‘s perspective raises no insecurity. He’s been jumpy forever. Even so, Anton knows Sohee isn’t immune or resistant. An immune or resistant person wouldn’t point out matching moles to a hopeless romantic. “You don’t have to. I’ll remind you until you do.”
Sohee purses his lips and hums. “Where’s your camera?”
“Um, on my dresser.” Anton has no idea what Sohee wants with it at the moment. He doesn’t move on the bed while waiting for Sohee to grab it and come back.
Sohee plops down on the middle of Anton’s thighs, a little lower than he was before. He points the camera over them and takes three or four pictures. He smiles when he goes through them and turns the camera around to show Anton the results.
They’re near identical shots. The frame captured up to the top of Anton’s belly button and the top of Sohee’s thighs. It’s not lewd at all. The contrast between their underwear and the size of their bodies is the focus. Sohee is wearing white, Anton black. Here, they don’t match. They look like opposites, but the picture paints them as puzzle pieces.
Sohee turns the camera back around instead of waiting for Anton to reply. He smiles at it again and giggles, “Good, right? Kinda sexy.”
Anton parrots the first word back and takes his bottom lip between his teeth. Sohee completely avoided verbally responding to his declaration. He had a self-inflicted rule about honesty. Supplementing words with immortalizing his side of the story was meeting Anton in the middle. They could print one of those pictures out and remember what was said forever.
He grabs Sohee by the hips and flips them both over. He mimics the way Sohee straddled him and takes the camera. He couldn’t help himself. It’s only fair. “Your turn.”
Anton makes note of Sohee’s lack of reaction to being straddled. At first, Anton was scared to lay on Sohee's chest and trap him with his legs. He wasn't sure Sohee would like being dwarfed entirely by another body. Sohee does like it— even more than he likes straddling and being on top of Anton.
He shifts under the shutter sound and covers the lens after Anton takes one too many. “Okay, enough. You got what you need.”
Anton doesn’t go through them, just turns it around and shows Sohee the first one without his hand in the shot. “My thigh isn’t much smaller than your waist. So tiny.”
Sohee smacks his hand over his eyes and pushes the camera away. “Ah, stop it. You’re just big.”
“I think it’s both…” Anton is pushing it. It’s too easy when it’s obvious that Sohee isn’t actually telling him to stop. He places his hand horizontally across Sohee’s stomach and goes farther. “I can cover the whole thing.”
He holds his hand out in front of Sohee and waits for him to fit them together. Sohee does, meticulously lining the bottom of his palm up with Anton’s. Anton curls the longer tips of his fingers above Sohee’s and fixates on his eyelashes. Staring into his blown pupils while building the confidence to say something he shouldn’t is too daunting. They have a good thing going and he doesn’t want to spoil the mood. Or the future. It’s not like him to hold his tongue, so he won’t. There’s a rawness to his voice when he blurts out, “I want to keep spending time with you.”
The air shifts a little. Sohee loses his shyness and adopts thinly veiled uneasiness. He keeps himself busy by picking up the camera and scrolling through the pictures. “Who says you won’t get to? I’m not sleeping with anyone else.”
A bomb dropping would have been less shocking. There’s been a number of romantic-leaning statements, particularly from Anton, but he didn’t assume it meant Sohee was exclusively seeing him. He figured Sohee liked it and moved on, not necessarily reciprocating the desire for something more. It’s not that he was insecure and believed they were hooking up out of convenience, he just perceived Sohee as someone with options who favored him over the others. “You’re serious?”
Sohee sets the camera to the side and tilts his head. “Yeah? I see you multiple times a week. When would I have time to be with anyone else?”
The logistic angle is the safe way to go. It makes sense that Sohee would choose that.
Anton is accustomed to not overestimating his importance. He was trying to hold that tradition, especially because he wanted to have realistic expectations. He’s now realizing that his insecurity led him astray. “I didn’t want to assume anything.”
“Why do you sound surprised? Are you fucking other people?” Sohee is frowning now. He looks confused and on the brink of anger. This is what Anton was afraid of.
“No—” Anton waves both hands, words coming out fast and panicked. “No. I was scared to get my hopes up and convince myself we were exclusive.”
He exhales when Sohee’s eyebrows return to an unpinched state. “We definitely are. I thought you knew that.”
This is a dream. Anton was fine with the way things were. He was making it work. Exclusive is… Alien. Welcome, though. Quite literally could not be more welcome. “No worries. I… Don’t mind. Knowing now is good.”
Sohee softly punches his shoulder. “Go order a pizza before it’s too late. I left my wallet on the couch…” he stretches his arms with a long groan and adds, “Use the one with the Naruto cover. Don’t laugh.”
Being told not to laugh makes it funny. He might not have laughed if Sohee didn’t mention it. He’s here because of Naruto. Anton has seen the figures and the t-shirts he wears once a week. He doesn’t think anything of it anymore. Sohee preemptively defending himself is the silly part.
He manages to hold it in. He even lasts as he walks out through the living room. Seeing the card ends his ability to do what Sohee said. To avoid embarrassing him, Anton giggles into his palm. Sohee is such a nerd. The good news is, Anton likes him that way.
Calling at this hour is selfish. Sohee mentioned going to visit his family. This night would be one of the rare ones that he doesn’t work through. Cutting into these quiet hours because he can’t wait? Objectively shitty thing to do. The guilt, unfortunately, is not enough to stop him from picking up the phone.
He picks up on the third ring. By then, Anton’s thumbnail is bitten around the edge. “Hello?”
This call woke him up. The sleep in his voice is louder than his words. Anton’s question didn’t need to be answered urgently. Apologizing and hanging up might be good.
“Chanyoung, are you good?”
Too late to hang up. Sohee will just call back. Anton is going about this all wrong. “Sorry for waking you up. I…” he turns his face away from the speaker, “Just wanted to hear your voice.”
Anton doesn’t know where Sohee is. His own room? A shared room? A living room? He should’ve considered that before calling. He can vaguely hear ruffling on the other line. It would be really great if Sohee is alone.
His voice comes out clearer this time. “That’s not why you called.”
It takes Anton several breaths and readjustments to work up the confidence. It’s not a big deal. He just wants to clear something up. Not having a clean cut answer was eating him alive. He can have the phone hung up and Sohee on his way back to sleep in under two minutes. “When you said it’s just you and me last week, you meant all the way? Like, not just sexually?”
God, he sounds pathetic. Opening this conversation, over the phone, at three in the morning, is not his proudest moment. Waiting an additional six hours would’ve prevented him from looking bad in front of Sohee.
Sohee laughs, much more awkwardly than usual. “Um, yeah. Yes. Is it so hard to believe?”
Anton is moderately insecure. He has self-deprecating thoughts on what Sohee sees in him regularly. Ever since Sohee agreed to being ‘exclusive’, he wanted to hear more. He really, really wants Sohee to talk to him about it.
What he’s longing for is absolute clarity. Clarity, then the green light to smother Sohee in everything he holds close to his chest. The sound of Sohee breathing on the other line feels similar to being stared at. He keeps his face turned away from the phone. “…A little.”
Sohee doesn’t bite immediately. It’s too late for this. Throwing it on his plate a week after the initial conversation and fishing for reassurance is not the foot Anton wants their real relationship to get off on.
“Listen,” Sohee says, voice even. “You’re really good in bed. You don’t need me to tell you that.” He pauses to clear his throat. “I’m not trying to use you. I like having you around. I can’t tell you everything right now, you’ll just have to trust me. I meant what I said.”
Trust isn’t the issue. Anton is alone in his bed and he wants to know Sohee is real. The last time they saw each other, Sohee poured a shot in his mouth and laughed him into getting more wine drunk than any person should ever be. He’s been replaying that night in his head and trying to prove his heart’s investment isn’t unfounded. “Do you miss me?”
A hybrid laugh and scoff cracks through the speaker. “I saw you three days ago.”
Three days, three years, it felt the same. The empty bottle and glasses are right where Sohee left them. Clinging to every memory, no matter how close it is to the next, is how he’s dealt with not being able to spend all of their time together. “I know. I want to know because I miss you.”
Sohee’s voice is even louder. He must have his hand cupped over his mouth. “I do. I can't talk about it here.”
Anton needs nothing else. Sohee told him what he wanted to hear with very little pushback. Somehow, he wasn’t satisfied. More shy than before, he asks, “Can we stay on the phone if we talk about something else?”
“Only if you promise not to snore next time you sleep over.”
“I do not snore!” He’s acting overly scandalized. To be fair, no one has told him that before. It’s an embarrassing enlightenment.
“You totally do.” Sohee does an exaggerated impression of Anton’s supposed snoring, “Like that. All in my ear.”
It’s a shame Anton can’t roll his eyes in Sohee’s face. “It can’t be louder than you when you’re playing one of your video games, and you do that when I’m sleeping.”
Sohee’s voice gets higher pitched when he complains or defends himself. “That was one time! You needed to wake up anyway. Not comparable.”
Smiling like an idiot over gentle bickering surprises him. In the past, he was notoriously sensitive to being called out for harmless or unconscious habits. Sohee exposing his never rings as malicious or offensive. Anton has a grasp on the endearment woven into it. It’s the farthest thing from negging. He would say it actually ushered him into playful brattiness. “I’m sticking my tongue out at you. I want to keep talking, not get bullied for something I can’t control.”
“I’m sorry, baby. You walked right into it, couldn’t let the opportunity get away. And, you’re keeping me up. Had to get you back.” Sohee is smirking. Anton can hear it through the poor audio quality.
Pause. A joke like that could easily be rooted in actual annoyance. “I can let you go. I was having a hard time falling asleep, so I called. I guess texting first might have been better.”
“No, it’s alright. I went to bed early. Things have been kinda crazy here.” It’s funny, the way Sohee justifies his own desires with facts.
Anton is wondering if Sohee will answer questions about what’s going on with his family. “Crazy, how?”
Sohee gets off his bed and walks… Somewhere. A couple of doors open and close before he responds. “Sorry. Had to go outside. Crazy, as in, my sister is pregnant. And getting married.”
“That’s—” Amazing, is what Anton tried to say, giving up when he realizes Sohee isn’t finished.
Dry leaves and twigs crunch under Sohee’s footsteps. “I’m really happy for her, she seems to love this guy. I can’t ask for much more, as a brother. I feel like such an asshole for thinking this, but I can’t help myself, you know? Now that she’s getting married, I’m the last one left. Everyone is gonna be looking at me and waiting for me to announce something like that. The baby won't keep attention off of me forever. It’s messing with my head.”
This is new. Sohee tended to dodge questions about his family. Anton didn’t internalize it. They’ll have plenty of time to talk about it. Time like this, organically and at the will of Sohee’s mood.
Anton’s knowledge of Sohee’s family begins and ends at the amount of people in the unit. Mom, dad, two older sisters. Sohee mentioned them sparingly, each time strategically related to the topic at hand. He hasn’t talked about them on his own until now. Late night vulnerability, face to face, hadn’t brought anything out of him before.
It’s hard to find something helpful to say. He wants to tell Sohee that there’s no pressure or rush, they can do everything on their own time. In theory, that’s true. It would be a comfort if one of them was a woman. If so, they could go through their relationship aspiring to something legally bound. Worries like this would be waved off so early in their relationship. The trouble is, they can’t worry about it, ever. They don’t have the option of having their relationship legally recognized, even if they stay together for years and years. They won’t be able to sign a marriage license and legitimize it. That’s possible somewhere in Europe, maybe, but it doesn't help Sohee’s situation. As long as he’s with a man, he won’t be able to fulfill the wish his mother has for him.
“This is the first baby, right? They won’t have time to worry about you until the little one starts school.” Anton can only offer himself. He has nothing else to give, material or otherwise. Giving himself is giving everything, and he will. “And I need you to look after me while I’m here.”
Sohee stays quiet for a long time. His troubles are there with them, almost like a third caller. Anton can hear its breath alongside the humor in Sohee’s voice. He’s begun to anticipate Sohee cushioning vulnerability with it. That’s better than him running away from his discomfort. “You’re gonna make me a deadbeat gay uncle. You aren’t a good influence.”
Anton barely squeezes a laugh in. Sohee jumps straight into the story after making his assessment. “My sister sat us all down, packed on the couch together like sardines. I knew something was up because her boyf— fiancé — couldn't stay still. She blurted it out after he made a few broken attempts. She mentioned the baby first. She’s thirteen weeks pregnant, whatever that means. We all jumped up to hug her, of course.” He stalls for a moment, then continues, “Just when everyone was settling down and going to hug her fiancé, she pulled the ring out of her back pocket. We’re a loud family, but I swear your family in America could’ve heard my mom’s squealing. I don’t think she’s ever been so happy.”
“What about you? Were you squealing?” Anton moves his phone to his other hand and rolls onto his side. Milking every detail of Sohee’s mindset about this excites him. Sohee being a willing participant is a major step.
The wind whipping around Sohee picks up. He's gotta be cold. Staying out there much longer might make his teeth chatter. “I’m not gonna lie, yeah. Only when she let me touch her stomach. It’s hard to believe one of us is gonna be a parent.” He takes a sharp inhale, “…I’m glad you called. I wasn’t feeling great and wouldn’t have called myself. I miss you. I’ll text you when I’m on my way back tomorrow.”
Anton could sit on the phone with him for hours. He isn’t unreasonable, though. It’s far too late to debate about it. “I’d really like that. I’d really like you to come straight over. If you feel like it.”
A soft whistle gets past Sohee’s teeth. The temperature is clearly getting to him. “I will. Get some sleep.”
“‘Kay. You too.” He kisses the air, adding an extra loud mwah sound, and hangs up. Nothing about how honestly he likes Sohee can be overstated. Chipping away at his harder exterior is a blessing.
Anton totally forgot his dad texted him this morning saying he wanted to drop something off that evening. He only remembers when, in the middle of dinner with Sohee, there’s a knock on the door.
They’ve been eating takeout that Anton brought back on his way home from work. Talking, more than eating for the last twenty minutes.
Sohee is sitting on his lap with his back against the wall so they can eat on the same side of the table. He could have just dragged his chair closer to Anton, but that’s no fun. Anton was perfectly fine with the idea when Sohee presented it. Thrilled, even.
Anton can feel how fast Sohee tenses up. “…Who is that?”
His hand twitches on Sohee’s thigh. “My dad said he needed to bring something to me. It slipped my mind because I got busy at work. I meant to warn you.”
Anton can’t tell what Sohee’s expression means. He doesn’t really have one at all, looking and sounding refined. “So, what now?”
Neither of them considered being at the meet-the-parents stage. It'll be fine if they act normal. There isn’t anything incriminating about having someone over for dinner.
Another knock sounds through the door. They’re running out of time to talk about this. “He won’t say anything. You can go in the room if you want. Or say hi. He’s just dropping something off and then we’re in the clear.”
Sohee is up and off him fast like he’s been burned. He gets really freaked out over this stuff. He doesn’t perform straightness, but he panics about situations where he can’t be sure the people he’s interacting with don’t know.
He knows Anton’s parents have some concept of their son being gay. His dad could make an assumption about their relationship simply because they’re alone here. Sohee can’t control possibly being perceived as gay in this situation. Anton is expecting him to retreat to the bedroom. His face is red and his fingers are fighting each other in front of his stomach.
Anton’s dad knocks for a third time. Then his phone starts ringing. Sohee turns on his feet and bounds to the bedroom before Anton can do anything.
He doesn’t answer his phone. He gets up quickly, jogging to the door and swinging it open. “Sorry I kept you waiting. I was in the bathroom.”
His dad smiles at him with no semblance of agitation. He walks past Anton and into the living room with a box in his hand. He’s going towards the kitchen. Where there’s two half eaten portions of food on the small dining table. Anton speed walks to intercept his path. He cuts in front of his dad and takes the box. “You don’t have to carry this. I can put it on the counter.”
His dad looks at him kind of weird, but nods and pats him on the shoulder. “Did you get my message earlier?”
Anton groans when he drops the box on the counter. It was oddly heavy. “Yeah. I typed a response but couldn’t hit send because a customer came up to me. I stayed busy for the next hour of my shift and didn’t remember to check in.”
He can see his dad looking past him and at the table. His eyes come back to Anton’s face slowly. So much for keeping it out of sight. “I know you’re busy. Your mother sent some clothes she got for you and one of the cameras you said you forgot…” He points in the direction of the table. “Did I interrupt?”
Anton turns his head around and points back with his thumb. “Oh, no.” They’re saying a lot without saying anything at all. He wonders if Sohee has his ear on the door and is listening to the conversation. “Don’t worry about it.”
His dad nods and drops it. “I’ll let you enjoy the rest of your night. I want to go have dinner before your birthday, if we can manage.”
Anton ruffles his own hair and puts both hands on his hips. He’s doing a great job of not acting suspicious. He totally isn’t acting strange. Not at all. “I can take some time off next week. Tell me when you see a gap in your schedule.”
They don’t exchange a single word after that. Nothing went wrong, it was a matter of them both knowing Anton was keeping something to himself. He’s an adult, he’s well within his rights to do so. His parents are just worriers.
He isn't out to them, but he’s not closested either. He hasn't told them formally because there isn't a reason to. They know, he knows they know. It's something the whole family has known since he was a kid.
Anton walks him out and flashes a smile while he closes the door. Once it’s locked, he exhales and drops his forehead on it. It went fine. He knew it would. Nothing is wrong and it’s fine. He uses both hands to push off it so he can go get Sohee. He prays he isn’t freaking out.
He knocks first. Sohee doesn’t say anything. That’s not good. He cracks the door open very slowly and pokes his head in first.
It’s really, truly not funny. This will be an intense encounter, however, Sohee laying face down on the mattress is so cute. He looks like a kid.
Anton keeps his steps slow, light, and quiet. His fingers are nearly touching Sohee’s back when he hesitates at the last minute and pulls back. He holds his breath and commits to it a few seconds later.
Sohee flinches at the contact. He doesn’t roll over or move in any other way. Anton rubs his hand in circles over a small section of Sohee’s back. Lying a little to coax Sohee into calming down isn’t a crime. He doesn’t have to know everything. “He’s gone. He didn’t notice anything.”
Sohee mumbles something into the pillow. Anton doesn’t want to ask him to repeat himself, but whatever he said was unintelligible. Anton didn’t catch any of it. “Can you tell me again?”
Sohee’s back rises high from a big inhale. He pushes himself up, refusing to make eye contact. “What did he bring you?”
Anton didn’t want to hear that. Even though Sohee doesn’t know how insignificant the box was, getting asked about it at this moment makes him sad. Sohee is obviously distressed and trying to deflect attention away from that.
“Nothing important. Stuff from my mom.” Sohee turns his head away. That seemed to make him more upset. The only way Sohee could get farther away from Anton’s touch is if he left the room. Anton thinks he might do that soon. He tries to bring him back by caressing his cheek. “What’s wrong?”
Sohee grabs Anton’s wrist and takes it away from his face. He’s standing up and speed walking towards the door before Anton can process what’s happening. “I have to go. I need to leave.”
“Woah! Hey—” Anton chases after him instinctively. Sohee is too fast. His fingers barely grab Sohee's bicep in time. “What’s wrong? Why are you leaving?”
Sohee still won’t look at him. He’s going as far as to try shaking out of his grip. “Chanyoung, let me go.”
Anton’s eyebrows are upturned from his confusion. This isn’t Sohee being uncomfortable. This is ugly and angry. “I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t want you to leave.”
The look on Sohee’s face when he turns his head over his shoulder makes Anton’s heart break. Sohee is about to cry. “Please, just let me go.”
His head is spinning. He releases Sohee’s arm slowly, like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. It's clear that he can’t convince Sohee to stay or talk.
He watches Sohee step into his shoes and throw the door open in record time. The loud slam when it closes makes him jump. He’s at a loss. Everything happened so fast. He wants to call Sohee right now and figure this out.
Four times is how many calls it takes for Sohee to pick up. He brushes Anton off immediately. “I don’t want to talk.”
Anton is still standing where Sohee left him in front of the door. He has his hand on the back of his head when he starts pacing around the living room. “Baby…” His heart seizes when Sohee sniffles on the other line. “What’s going on? Are you at your apartment?”
“Don’t come over.” Anton doesn’t recognize the person he’s speaking to. Sohee is being mean. Anton would describe him as many things. Mean isn’t one of them.
He waits for Sohee to answer the first question, but gets nothing. He’s dizzy from walking around in circles. “You’re scaring me… I don’t know what to do— what you want me to do.”
Sohee snaps, aggressive and flat out rude. “Well, I don’t either. Just stop talking.”
This is a mess. Anton doesn’t even know how they got here. “I can’t do that. I’ve never seen you like this and I want to know what's wrong so it doesn’t happen again. I don’t want you to be alone right now.”
He can hear Sohee flip a light switch and turn his shower on. “I want to be. I’ll call you tomorrow when I get off work.” Sohee is being short with him. He is seriously delusional if he thinks Anton will agree and let it happen.
“No way. Fuck that. I’m coming over. You don’t get to shut me out and expect me to go along with it. You don’t get to make all the decisions because you’re upset.” Anton is getting angry. Sohee can be inconsolable without fighting words. This is out of control and Anton is not letting the evening end like this.
He doesn’t knock. He has a key and uses it to walk in without warning. He takes huge strides towards Sohee’s bedroom door. The knob gets stuck the first time he tries to turn it. Then again the second time. And again the third time.
He throws his head back with a sigh and forces himself to speak loud enough to be heard through the door. “Sohee, come on. Unlock the door. Don’t do this.”
Sohee sounds far away when he yells back, “I told you don’t come over. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to see you.”
He jerks the doorknob again. His hand unfurls from the doorknob as it dawns on him. Sohee hasn’t taken it back. Anton can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You don’t mean that.”
He’s still reeling from disbelief when footsteps close in near the door. Sohee swings it so hard that it hits the doorstop. He faces Anton for all of two seconds before turning his back and going to lay down.
Anton feels like a dog for how much he’s followed Sohee around to today. It’s fine, though. He’s okay with that. He’ll do whatever it takes to sort this out tonight and not a day longer.
Sohee is facing the wall his bed is pushed up against. He looks really small in the fetal position. Anton strips down to his underwear the way Sohee requires, then crawls across the bed and leans over to see his face. He tucks Sohee’s hair behind his ear and, very softly, asks his first question. “Will you please talk to me?”
He has to lean closer to Sohee’s face so he can hear him. “I’m ashamed and it’s not fair to you.”
Anton is still confused. Where is this coming from? Sohee has never expressed anything similar, except when he alluded to not being able to get married one day. “What are you talking about? Nothing you do is unfair to me.”
Sohee curls up even more, bringing his knees closer to his chest. “It is. You don’t get it. I took off the moment I could’ve been seen with you in front of your dad. I couldn’t face him and I couldn’t face you because of the implication. You shouldn’t be with someone who’s a coward.”
Anton starts rubbing his back again. “You go out in public with me all the time.”
“That’s different. Those people don’t know you’re gay. They have no reason to look at us as anything other than friends hanging out.” Sohee is so stubborn. He doesn’t want to hear anything Anton has to say.
Matching Sohee’s obsession with being realistic might get through to him. “My dad doesn’t either. It’s not like he walked in and saw you sitting on my lap. He didn’t see you at all. He has nothing to make an assumption about.”
Sohee relents, sitting up and positioning himself parallel to Anton. “That’s not the point. You’re right, everything could have looked completely innocent if he met me. The point is, the possibility would’ve been in the back of his mind. And I couldn’t handle that.” He’s talking with his hands. Smacking the back of his fingers against his palm for emphasis, pointing to his chest like he’s accusing himself of something.
Anton closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. “What do you want me to do? I don’t think you’re a coward and I want to be with you. I don’t know how to help.”
The room is so quiet when no one is speaking. The only noise is their breathing and the fan above them. Anton is scared. This would be reasonable if Sohee let it. He’s shutting down everything Anton offers.
He’s never had to navigate something like this and has no idea if he’s doing it right. He reaches out again, “I knew what I was getting into and I think you did too. I don’t expect you to be ready for everything. I’m not ready for everything.”
Sohee stares at him with a heart shattering expression. He swallows hard and reimagines his characteristic neutrality. Like Anton did at his apartment, he droops forward until his head hits Anton’s chest. Anton doesn’t miss a beat, welcoming Sohee into his arms and waiting for him to move.
A few minutes pass like that. Anton doesn’t want to say anything that might escalate the situation. He’s hoping it gives Sohee a chance to recover.
Sohee raises his head and leans back against the wall behind him. “I’m so jealous of you.”
Anton turns his head. He has an idea of what Sohee means, but he’ll let Sohee say it. “Why’s that?”
His words have no aggression left in them. He’s worn down to the bone. “Your relationship with your family. I’m scared that I’ll meet your dad and I’ll get attached because mine isn’t like him. And I’m scared of being gay outside of the sexual context. I didn’t think I would find something like this. It’s really intense now that it’s happening. I want to be with you and I want people to know about it. I can’t cope with the impossibility of it.”
It’s true. Anton didn’t think he’d find it here, or in America. It’s more socially acceptable in the latter, but most of the laws only got turned over in the last few years. The only places he’s safe to be himself are third spaces founded in the name of bringing people like him and Sohee together. It’s a bit ironic that they didn’t meet in a place like that.
When it comes to the dad thing, Anton understands. He has no illusions about how fortunate he is on that front. To this day, he doesn’t know what parents truly think about him being gay. He doesn’t know what conversations they had when they figured it out. Maybe they had them before Anton even knew the word ‘gay’. He was shielded from those discussions as a child when it mattered most. He wonders if they had them early in the morning to fit between the time difference and Anton waking up for school. It would be easy to have them when he’s here, lethargic and detached from them both. Whenever they do, they don’t make it his problem. They aren’t the kind of people to try to change things they can’t control.
Sohee’s voice drags Anton out of his thoughts. “A lot of bad stuff happened to me growing up. In school. You know how it goes. My mom didn’t know what to do and my dad thought the bullying would make me different. They didn’t—” He pulls his legs up to his chest. “…Don’t want me to be gay in their house. So I’m not.”
Anton really wants to hug him. He can’t protect Sohee from this, and wouldn’t have been able to protect himself if he was dealt similar cards. He hates that he can't fix it.
“I’m happy you haven’t lived like that. You deserve the parents you have. I’m sorry for taking my jealousy out on you. You aren’t responsible for my parents or my issues.” Sohee looks exhausted and is still apologizing. Anton won’t let himself cry. He holds it back so Sohee doesn’t regret opening up.
Sohee’s situation is the reality loads, if not most, queer people live in. It’s really hard to see how it manifests in the life of someone he would move mountains for. “Don’t say sorry. Thanks for telling me.”
Sohee’s blinks are slow and heavy. He keeps them closed while he nods, just as slow and heavy.
“I won’t forget to plan around him coming over next time. I’m sorry that it had this impact on you, but I do want to tell you something.” Sohee opens one eye, suspicion and discomfort fully present, despite being half awake. “I want you to meet him. Not yet, but eventually. He won’t ask anything invasive. Promise.”
Sohee goes back to how he looked before, both eyes closed and nodding. Anton will take that as a win for now.
“Can I stay here with you?” He’s holding his breath. Coming to an understanding doesn’t mean Sohee will want him for the night. It could go either way.
“Mhm,” is all he can muster through his sleepiness. He sticks both arms out towards Anton and makes grabby hands.
That is waaaaay beyond Anton’s expectation. He was prepared to be rejected and out the door within five minutes. Talk about a best case scenario.
He lifts him up under his armpits. He would’ve preferred grabbing him by the waist, but Sohee’s knees were in the way. It’s easy to manhandle him from just about any position, so Anton always finds a way.
He moves them around to make Sohee lay in the way Anton usually lays on him. He doesn’t protest or say anything at all. He goes limp as Anton tilts his head on the middle of his chest. The last thing Anton does is wrap his arms around Sohee’s waist to keep them stuck together.
Anton was really happy when Sohee asked him to meet his best friend. Meeting him is like meeting his family.
Sohee’s index finger taps the table at an even tempo.u “I think he knows me better than anyone else.”
Shotaro got a head start. His knowledge of Sohee is leaps and bounds from what Anton has gathered these past few months. It’s fair, but it isn’t. Based on the way Sohee talks about him, he must have truly earned it. Anton can only hope Sohee will talk about him like that one day. He puts that thought away and asks something worthwhile. “How did you meet?”
Sohee makes his thinking face, eyes pointedly inspecting the wood grain on the table. “At a bar.”
Anton knows his brows are furrowed and his mouth is twisted up. ‘Met at a bar’ is code for ‘hooked up’. He knows he shouldn’t make any sweeping assumptions, but he really doesn’t like the mental image of Sohee being with anyone else. Much less someone that’s still so close to him. It’s not fair to Sohee or Shotaro, the latter being someone he doesn’t know at all.
Sohee was prepared for this. He peeks at Anton’s pained expression and tries to reason with him. “It was one time. We were young and the dating pool isn’t particularly abundant. He wasn’t living here in Korea full time yet. I was under the impression that we wouldn’t see each other again.”
Anton wants to say something, needs to say something. He doesn’t quite trust himself to open his mouth right now. He doesn’t think he’s an especially jealous person. It’s more of a possessive thing. He’s relieved that Sohee has a gay friend. A lot of people don’t have that. Anton is lucky to have some himself. The ones he has are in America, though. He would never feel that they’re a threat to his relationship with Sohee. If he’s gonna assume anything, it should be that. Some of his friends check on him via MySpace from time to time. They even organize hanging out when he’s back in the states. He used to hook up with them at random when he was there. Since so much time passes between each trip, it didn’t tend to be the same person. It’s unreasonable to feel sick about Sohee hooking up with someone a long time ago and becoming best friends after the fact.
He trains his voice so he doesn’t subject Sohee to more of his nonsensical displeasure. The question he asks is dual intentioned. It’s self-serving and genuine, to some degree. “How long have you been friends?”
Sohee does the same shrug he always does. “A few years. We haven’t been with each other in the way you’re thinking since the first time we met. And he wasn’t my first time.”
Anton’s stomach flips. Sohee covers all of his bases without Anton needing to pry context out. It’s disarming.
Sohee sits back against his chair, looking very comfortable with the prospect of reassuring him. “You’ll see that you don’t have anything to worry about when you meet him. We discovered very early on that we weren’t romantically compatible. We never tried to date. I was a little drunk when it happened and so was he. It was one of those things that happened because we were in the same place at the same time.”
Anton is disappointed by the knots in his stomach. Sohee is doing everything right. All Anton can do is trust him and relax until he meets Shotaro himself. Still, he can’t get himself to speak. He’s staring down at the empty plates stacked up on the table in front of them. He needs to be an adult about this. It’s not fair to pout when he’s done his fair share of the same thing. The distance between him and the guys he’s been with doesn’t make those experiences illegitimate. He knows as well as Sohee how isolating it can be to make friends that understand their experiences.
He works hard to look up. “I believe you. I want to meet him. I’m really happy you want me to. Tell me when there’s a good time for him.”
Anton doesn’t ask whether it will be in public or the safety of one of their homes. It might be hard to meet up in public if their conversation will have a lot to do with their sexualities. Vagueness can only go so far. Anton will just have to wait for Sohee to get it sorted out within all of their comfort levels.
The smile Sohee shows pushes his ugly thoughts out of mind. Anton mirrors it with newly found ease. He’s still insecure and possessive, but Sohee is clearly relieved by the end of Anton’s reaction.
“Kiss.” He taps his bottom lip a few times. The verbal reassurance was good. Physical touch is just as important at the moment. He’s gonna need a lot of it from now until after he meets Shotaro. Sohee doesn’t say it, but he loves seeing Anton needy. He likes how Anton chases attention whenever he wants it.
Sohee indulges him, obviously. He’s not tall enough to reach Anton’s mouth by leaning over the table, so he has to stand up to get close to Anton’s face.
The kiss is short and sweet. That’s all Anton wanted out of it. Sohee makes it better with gentle scratches on the back of his head after. “It’s gonna be okay. Shotaro wants to meet you. He’s very interested in the person that’s been taking up all my time.”
Anton needed to hear that. He bites his lip bashfully to keep from smiling too big. He doesn’t want to be the reason Sohee is isolated from his friends. Nobody wants to be that person. And yet, he’s not too proud to admit that he loves the idea of taking a huge amount of Sohee's time. Enough that his closest friend notices and is curious about who’s behind it.
Sohee looks like he wants to laugh at the look on Anton’s face. This is so silly. Anton feels like a teenager from how taken he is by Sohee.
Anton waits for Sohee’s next move. It’s a surprise when he gets up and leaves the dishes in the sink unwashed. He’s very particular about that. Tonight, he walks away without even washing them off. There’s nowhere Sohee could be going except his bedroom.
Sohee is half undressed when Anton leans against the door frame. The staring and undressing isn’t sexual in nature. Sohee always takes everything but his underwear off before getting into bed, another thing he’s particular about. If his clothes have touched any surface or the outside air, they’re not touching his bed. Or Anton’s bed. It’s the same no matter which place they’re in.
Sohee looks really good. His body is perfect. From the natural definition on his stomach, to narrow hips and shoulders. Anton is stuck there, watching him go through the motions. He disappears into their bathroom eventually. Anton isn’t actually sure he can call it theirs. He does it anyway.
Sohee stops himself at the doorway and turns his head over his shoulder. “Come brush your teeth so we can go to sleep.”
Smiling is sufficient acknowledgement. Give it a few more months, and they’ll have the living together thing figured out.
Their shared routine takes about 15 minutes. Anton gets done first today. He passes the time by slotting behind Sohee and binding their skin together.
Anton doesn’t let go when Sohee tries to free himself. He knows he won’t get anywhere with that. Sohee settles on allowing an awkward walk to the bed, both of them taking the same steps at the same time so they don’t trip over each other.
Sohee grabs the hands that Anton has clasped together at the front of his stomach and wiggles around. “Off.”
Anton doesn’t listen. He tucks his face into Sohee’s neck and rubs his nose everywhere it can reach. “You smell good.”
Sohee lifts his hand to Anton’s neck as he stumbles forward, the other still holding his clasped fingers. He melts more with every kiss pressed into his neck.
He swats his next to Anton’s face when he comes to his senses. “Enough. We both have to work in the morning.”
Anton decides meeting Shotaro is the least of his concerns when he gets to feel how much Sohee belongs to him every night. He gets to have Sohee under his weight whenever he wants, stuck together long enough that their heartbeats sync up.
Sohee has to crawl to get in the middle of the mattress where he likes. It makes him look even smaller than he usually does, which says a lot.
Once he’s turned around and flat on his back, Anton follows suit. He crawls just like Sohee did and takes his place. His favorite position is having his forehead by Sohee’s collarbone and one leg bent at the knee. It’s amazing that Sohee doesn’t find it uncomfortable. He’s said multiple times that he doesn’t mind and actually likes being boxed in. The allure of it was being weighed down and avoiding restlessness. He compared Anton to a weighted blanket of sorts.
Beyond that, he loves to baby Anton. He loves taking Anton’s clothes off for him and holding shirts over his head to slide into when they get dressed in the morning. Sohee does everything and more, things Anton didn’t think he could ask for.
The bar they’re meeting Shotaro at is similar to the one they met at, years ago. Sohee made them take the bus, which Anton didn’t prefer. It gave him more time to get into his own head. Sohee reassured him a million times before they left, answering his questions and kissing all over his face while they got ready. Anton wants to do this. He does. He’s not paranoid about the relationship between Sohee and Shotaro, he’s worried about himself. He would hate for Shotaro to wonder why he and Sohee are together, or if they simply don’t get along. Anton wants this to go well and build a positive relationship with the person Sohee considers his closest family.
Sohee holds his hand out for Anton when he’s all the way into the booth and near the wall. Anton loves being able to take his hand in this setting. Shotaro’s attention would’ve been on Anton regardless, but Sohee bringing him into their space like that makes him feel secure. Sohee pulls him in until their shoulders touch and interlaces their fingers under the table before looking at Shotaro.
“Thanks for saving the table. This is Chanyoung.” Sohee only looked at Shotaro for a second. Once ‘Chanyoung’ passed his lips, his head turned so he could show Anton a dopey smile.
Anton mouths ‘stop’ at Sohee and looks at Shotaro. His smile carries over, “It’s nice to meet you. Thanks for finding some time.”
Shotaro has held a big smile on his face since they got here. He keeps looking back and forth between them like he’s studying what’s in front of him. “I’ve been bothering him about it for a few weeks now. He wouldn’t tell me anything or show me any pictures…” He laughs under his breath and shakes his head. “I was offended. I thought he didn’t want me to know. Now I’m thinking he just wanted to keep you to—”
“Woahwoahwoah.” Sohee tries to interject, but Shotaro is relentless.
He puts his hand in Sohee’s face to maintain eye contact with Anton. “I think he just wanted to keep you to himself. You’re here now, so I’m satisfied. I started thinking I’d have to track you down myself.”
Anton can feel his cheeks getting hot. He runs the back of his hand over his mouth and nose to detract from it. “He talks about you all the time. I was just as curious as you were, I think.”
Shotaro is about to respond when Sohee successfully gets between their conversation. He only throws a fit when he feels like he doesn’t have any control. “You two are talking like I’m not here. You guys are here because of me.”
Shotaro plants his elbow on the table and points at Anton. It’s clear why they’re best friends. If Anton didn’t watch Shotaro say it, he would’ve said there was a strong chance it came from Sohee. “Actually, I’m here for him.”
“Yeah, Sohee. He’s here for me.” Anton has to play into Shotaro’s teasing. He never gets to be on this side of it. He sticks his tongue out at the end to really rub it in.
Sohee scoffs, “I don’t think so. You’re both here because you love me.”
All three of them freeze. Shotaro and Sohee leave Anton hanging while they have a brief conversation with their eyes. He and Sohee haven’t said that to each other before. Anton was shocked to hear it at all, let alone around other people.
Nobody was saying anything. Anton was singularly excluded from their thoughts. He felt like a door was closed in his face and he would have to press his ear against it to get the slightest clue about what was going on.
What if Sohee didn’t want Shotaro hearing that? Knowing that he’s confident enough in their relationship to say Anton loves him? What’s true when they’re alone isn’t automatically true out in the real world.
Anton starts pulling his hand out of Sohee’s. He doesn’t want to make him feel pressured to stand on his slip up. Physical distance between them could sell backtracking better.
To his surprise, his hand is slotted back where it belongs before it got very far. Sohee puts their rejoined hands into his lap and shows Shotaro his index finger. “Just a second.”
Sohee turns to Anton and hides his mouth pressing against Anton’s ear behind his palm. His voice is a low whisper in Anton’s ear, “I love you. We’ll talk about it when we get home. Don’t freak out.”
If Anton had a say, they’d be home right now. Telling him to not freak out is unreasonable. He wants to say it back now and prove that he’s earned Sohee’s love. Cutting their night out with Shotaro short would do the opposite. He’ll be on his best behavior until he can get Sohee alone.
Any signs of discomfort from Shotaro aren’t apparent. He’s the one to break the ice, charming as he was earlier. “I do love you and I’m happy to be here with you both.” He turns his glass of beer around and lifts it to his mouth, pausing for a moment to swallow a laugh. “I’m gonna need six of these if I have to watch you act like this for another two hours.”
Anton and Sohee share pained groans. Even so, Anton can’t really blame Shotaro. Kissing in his face would’ve been less intimate. There’s no shame in it, though. Sohee showing this side of himself to his best friend felt like an achievement.
It went better than Anton expected. He doesn’t know what he was expecting. Anything. Everything. Sohee was right, he had nothing to worry about. He understands why Sohee loves Shotaro so much. He gets it, he sincerely does. He’s not just saying that to cope or control how much he wants Sohee all to himself.
Anton doesn’t have to cope. Sohee ran his hands up, down, and around his body the whole time they were there. Anton felt the most grounded with his head on Sohee’s shoulder and fingers curled around his bicep. When Sohee wanted to talk with his hands or reach for something he couldn’t with his other arm, he made it quick. He always found Anton’s hand after and rubbed his thumb over the back of it. Having the warmth restored never got old.
There were a few times where Anton couldn’t keep up with them and zoned out to focus on the way Sohee was touching him. He wasn’t disinterested, just not well versed in all of their inside jokes. He left them to it and jumped in later when he saw the opportunity.
Sohee is so animated and boyish with Shotaro. Sometimes, they would get so caught up in conversation that they’d start grabbing and smacking each other’s hands through their laughter. One of those times, Anton’s head was on Sohee’s shoulder and got knocked around like crazy from all the movement. They were both very apologetic, Sohee going as far as to kiss the top of his head before falling back into conversation. Anton loved being a witness to their joy. And feeling like a trophy, if he’s honest.
They took a bus back to the stop near Sohee’s apartment. It sucks not being able to hold hands in public. Anton has to keep his arms wrapped around himself to resist the urge to do it anyway.
Sohee bumps into his shoulder, briefly knocking him off balance. “So, what did you think? All good?”
Anton doesn’t lift his eyes from the concrete underneath their feet. “Yeah. He’s really nice. Is he dating anyone?”
Hm. Not a good question. Poorly timed. He asked because he has an idea, not insecurity. He looks over at Sohee and sees the suspicious face he already knew was there. “I like him. I figured if he’s dating someone, we could all hang out together. For a holiday or something. When you come back from your parents’ house.”
Sohee steps in front of him. He looks like a kid with the smile he’s wearing. “Look at you! I couldn’t tell how you were feeling in there… I’ll definitely ask him.”
This is embarrassing. It actually isn’t, but Anton thinks everything is embarrassing. He gets really shy when Sohee looks at him a certain way. He fakes an annoyed sigh to cover it up. “It’s inconsiderate to stand in the middle of the sidewalk. It’s cold out here.”
Sohee makes sure to roll his eyes at the same time steps out of Anton’s way. “It’s inconsiderate to hang off of me when I’m talking, too. You had me pushed so far into the wall that the poor server couldn’t hear my order. Shotaro is gonna give me an earful about you sticking to me like I glued you there.”
Now it’s Anton’s turn to stop in the middle of the sidewalk. He smacks Sohee’s shoulder and unleashes the most childlike whining ever, “Ahhhhhh, stop it.” The end of his words drag for an eternity. “I haven’t had the chance to touch you in public. Not like that…”
That gives Sohee pause. His hand instinctually lifts up to Anton’s face, but doesn’t land. It drops on Anton’s shoulder, then back into the pocket it came from. He looked around first to make sure no one was around. “I guess I just proved your point. I’m sorry we can’t.”
Neither of them are making eye contact. Anton is looking at the frayed edges of Sohee’s shoe ties. Being on the streets with him is a reminder that the fantasy world they’ve made up doesn’t exist out here. When it does, they’re with other people like them that know the risks.
Impatience is chipping away at him. He wants to bring it up. He wants to tell Sohee he loves him. Technically, he could. He could mouth it. No one is around. Just because he can, doesn’t mean he should. Holding off means no sanitizing, no hiding. The apartment next to Sohee’s is vacant. The first time he says it could be loud and unabashed. He could yell and they wouldn’t have to worry.
He keeps his eyes on the ground and rocks on his feet. ”It’s okay. Let’s go home.”
Sohee instructed Anton to sit on his lap when they got into bed. Not through words. He patted his thighs from his place on the mattress and waited for Anton to come sit down.
Anton turns beet red every time Sohee takes on the size of his body. It makes him feel like the small one for once. He never got to do that before. The other people he’s been with were strict bottoms who didn’t consider that Anton might want to switch or, at the very least, be the little spoon afterwards. He was scared it would be the same with Sohee. Very soon after they met, Anton trusted Sohee’s promises to take care of him. He knew when Anton needed extra care and do none of the work.
Anton started their kissing off hungry and sloppy. He’s been leading the charge, moving his tongue in Sohee’s mouth in the same motions he would if he were fucking him. The most recent roll of his tongue is interrupted by Sohee poking the spot on his side that makes him squirm.
Sohee wipes the spit off of his mouth and chin. “Don’t you have something to tell me?”
Anton didn’t forget. He got distracted, but he didn’t forget. “I love you. I love you,” he nods, saying it louder the second time.
He moans when Sohee pushes his fingers past his waistband and grabs his ass. Sohee is keeping him stable, squeezing harder and guiding his hips into a slow grind. “How much?”
His spine is curved, pressing their chests flush to each other. He clears his throat and answers, “A lot. So much. I really, really love you.”
Sohee snaps the elastic against his lower back, humming, “That’s right. Do you want me to fuck you?”
“So bad. Pleasepleaseplease—” Anton whines, clinging to Sohee’s shoulders with too much strength.
Sohee laughs, “Okay, baby. I’ll give it to you.” He runs the tip of his tongue under his jaw and gently smacks his hips. “Lay down.”
Anton lifts off faster than he needs to. Sohee waited for him to get farther on the mattress before standing up and turning his back so he could take his underwear off.
Speaking of, Sohee didn’t have Anton strip completely before getting into bed. He didn’t question it. His current neediness exceeds the fleeting confusion. Every aspect of what they’re doing breaking away from their usual approach didn’t worry him at all.
Anton can’t see Sohee coming before his shoulder is gripped and his whole body is flipped over. “Not like that.”
“Sorry.” His breath shakes under Sohee’s furrowed eyebrows. He shouldn’t have laid on his stomach. Sohee doesn’t like not being able to see his face.
Sohee peels Anton’s underwear off and tosses them somewhere on the floor. “I want to do this with you. You don’t have to be shy about it.”
Anton finds one of Sohee’s hands and lifts it to his stuck out tongue. He keeps it stretched out of his mouth while dragging Sohee’s index and middle finger up and down the expanse. He stares into Sohee’s eyes when he’s satisfied enough to close his mouth. He doesn’t let go of Sohee’s wrist immediately, choosing to take it even further. He kisses the two fingers, each knuckle on the back of his hand, then his palm.
At some point, Sohee wrapped his hand around the base of his own cock. That won’t do at all. Anton takes over the top half of Sohee’s cock tightens his grip as much as he can without it hurting. Just as Anton thought he would, Sohee removes his hand and watches Anton cover it entirely. As opposed to Sohee needing two hands to eclipse Anton’s cock, Anton only needs one to hide everything but the very top of his.
Sohee pushes Anton’s shirt up past his nipples, then the hem past his lips. “Bite it. Hold it there.”
Anton doesn’t think twice. It’s pinched between his teeth, lips wrapped around it, and soaked in spit like it’s supposed to be there.
He holds his breath while watching Sohee squeeze more lube than necessary on his fingers. Anton likes it like that. He also likes when it isn’t warmed up. True to form, Sohee leaves it cold.
Anton stabilizes himself with his hands on Sohee’s shoulders. It’s easy to stay grounded when his hands cover so much surface area on Sohee’s body.
Sohee spreads his legs open, bending it at the knee until his thigh touches his stomach. Sohee looks dazed. His questions hardly classify that way. Two short words get his point across. “Good? Ready?”
Anton tilts his head back and commits to the bratty response sitting on the tip of his tongue. “I’ve been ready since we started making out.”
“Were you feeling this desperate at the bar?” He sinks his middle finger in. He ignores Anton’s gasp and doesn't let him adjust to it.
Anton can’t speak. Sohee is pulling his finger almost all the way out and then as far as it can go inside without pausing. Anton thinks he can get away with a curt nod.
“That’s sweet. I’m proud of you for controlling yourself. Keeping your mouth shut and pretending to listen to me and Shotaro. I bet you were thinking about what I would do to you when we got home.” At the same time he kisses the hand Anton is gripping his shoulder with, he pushes his index finger past Anton’s rim.
Anton is panting hard. There’s barely anything inside him and it still feels like too much. He’s only done this once before and it did not go well. He wants to learn how to take it like Sohee did. It’s bold to compare those things, considering the fact that Sohee had to get used to something a lot bigger.
Sohee scissors his fingers apart and pumps them faster. Anton knows he’ll have to start curling his fingers soon. Anton wants to be able to handle it. “Hah… I wasn’t.”
“You were. Getting to be all over me in front of other people fed right into how much you want everyone to know I’m off limits.” Sohee says it like he doesn’t care if it’s not true. It is, but confirmation from Anton isn’t needed. “It’s alright. I don’t want anyone thinking they have a chance with you either.”
Sohee’s fingers are thin and short, Anton wasn’t expecting them to feel like they’re reaching so deep. He adds a third finger and tweaks them just right. An enormous moan rips out of Anton’s chest from Sohee pressing on his prostate. He doesn’t let up, keeping him folded and spread wide open. He isn’t trying to get away, his body is just jerking around from Sohee’s experiments with pressure. It’s like he’s testing what it will take to make Anton break.
When he puts the most pressure thus far, Anton screams. His eyebrows curl upwards from how extreme the stimulation is. He sits up a little on his elbows to look at Sohee’s face. He can’t get real words out with his shirt in his mouth, all he has is a constant stream of ‘ah-ah-ahs’ muffled by the fabric. He cringes when he lets go and the wet part sticks to his skin.
His hands wander around Sohee’s biceps and upper back. He'll check if he broke skin on his shoulder later. “I want it now.”
Sohee stills his fingers and quirks an eyebrow. “Since when do you tell me what to do?”
“Since I realized I can take it.” He won’t be able to look at Sohee tomorrow. This is a new level of desperation, even for him. “Please give it to me. I don’t care if it hurts.”
Sohee prefers to do rather than speak when he’s insatiable. He makes up for taking his fingers out in one move by gently setting Anton’s foot flat on the mattress.
They aren't gonna use a condom. They decided not to use them about a month after they called it official. The condoms they have would fit Sohee anyway.
Anton sits up on his elbows again to watch. Sohee’s hand is shaking as he lines his cock up to his hole. Sohee taps it there a few times. “You’re really sure?”
He is seriously gonna lose his mind. If Sohee is scared, he should just say that. “I'm sure. I don’t think you have any more precum to spread over it.”
Sohee’s red face gets pale fast. “Sorry.” He finds the lube again and squirts it right on his dick. “You have to tell me if you want me to pull out.”
Anton passes his knuckles over Sohee’s cheek. “I know. Please don’t make me ask again.”
He distracts Sohee from his hesitation by wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss. He’s in the middle of wrestling with Sohee’s tongue when he feels Sohee’s dick breach his hole. When it keeps going, Anton breaks the kiss and takes deep breaths through his mouth.
“Baby,” Sohee mumbles into his ear while lifting himself up and sitting on his calves. Anton wants to cry when his dick slips out. “Hold on.”
He does, in fact, make a sound that’s similar to a sob. “Put it back in.”
Sohee looks out of his depth. “Chanyoung, I can’t hold your hips up. I have to put a pillow underneath you.”
Anton has to keep his eyes closed to stay calm. “Just fix it.”
Sohee taps Anton’s hips like he did before. “Up.”
He digs his feet into the mattress and lifts up enough for Sohee to slide the pillow underneath his back. The only thing on his mind outside of getting fucked is following commands. Anything else has no significance whatsoever.
Sohee doesn’t ease his cock in. He did what Anton had relentlessly asked for and disregarded any resistance he came across. Sohee holding himself up on the headboard and the other caressing the side of Anton’s face. His thumb makes its way to Anton’s bottom lip and pops it open until he gets the idea. If Anton wasn’t already on edge, he definitely is now.
He opens his mouth wide and tilts his chin up. Sohee makes sure he’s right above Anton’s mouth before spitting into it.
Anton has never felt anything like this before. When he tried to bottom with that other guy a couple years ago, they didn’t even make it past the fingering part. The guy wasn’t committed to making it good for him. He was trying to do the absolute bare minimum from the start. It sucked. This does not. They don’t have it all figured out, but it’s really good.
Sohee is watching his face closely. “It’s okay?”
He wipes sweaty hairs sticking to his forehead off, tucking the longer pieces behind his ear. “Mhm… Really full. Don’t stay still.”
Sohee shakes his head ever so slightly. “I, uh, definitely have to. For a second.”
Anton’s hands pause. “Why? I can handle it.”
Sohee’s fingers are twitching where they hold his waist. He has his eyes trained on the ceiling when he says, “I can’t handle it. I won’t last if I move right now. You’re…” He moans when he shifts slightly. “Super tight. And warm.”
The possibility of Sohee cumming first motivates him to take some initiative. He starts grinding in small motions and comes off the pillow to cover Sohee’s neck in glistening wet spots. “That’s not fair. You don’t stop when you know I won’t last. I want to see it happen to you.”
Sohee takes it slow. Long, drawn out thrusts force Anton to feel the ghost of his cock. He’s missing Anton’s prostate by a very small margin. It wouldn’t really matter if he just touched his dick, but he doesn’t want to yet. Sohee unraveling from his total surrender is more important.
Anton puts his own hands under the backs of his knees so Sohee can get a different angle. His legs are almost flush against his torso. He makes a mental note to work on his flexibility.
Breathing is harder and his back is aching, but Sohee hits Anton’s prostate with every plunge. His high pitched moans drown every other noise in the room out. Neither the lewd smacking against Anton’s ass or his whining can compete with Sohee’s voice. If he thought Sohee had half a mind to change what he’s doing, he would.
Anton would be touching everything he could reach if he wasn’t holding his legs up. “I love you. I need it inside me. Don’t pull out even after you’re done.”
The last part makes Sohee grip Anton’s waist so tight it hurts. He stops moving, save for his heaving chest, when he’s the deepest he’s been. He can tell Sohee holds off a little longer so he can echo the sentiment. “Love you,” Sohee mumbles, voice shot from his incessant moaning. Still, his voice peaks alongside his cum painting Anton’s insides.
Hearing that alone could send him over the edge. He’s fortunate enough to hear it and get filled up at the same time. His back arches high over the mattress, followed by his cock spitting five or six times. For a minute there, he swears it sounded like he and Sohee were in competition with each other about who could be the loudest.
Sohee kept his hands on Anton’s waist so his dick didn’t slip out when he moved to sit back. He looks upset? Or like he’s thinking really hard. “It’ll go smoother if you want to do it again. I’ve never done that before.”
Hold on. He thought it was Sohee’s first time in a while— not his first time ever. He had an intense reaction to fucking him, but Anton wrote that off as it being the first time they did it together. Sohee showed no intimidation when asked if he wanted to. “Never ever?”
There’s that shrug again. “Never.”
Anton’s biggest take away is that Sohee handles topping just as well as he does. Meaning: not well at all. Between the two of them, self restraint was out of reach. Crazy, considering Anton has never done anything except top before today. His tolerance should be much higher, given his experience.
Sohee continues, “I didn’t say anything because you needed it. I know you’ve been wanting to. The time was right, so I asked. I do feel like I didn’t focus on you enough, though.”
Anton is shaking his head while Sohee is still mid sentence. He isn’t dense enough to not pick up on Sohee’s behavior earlier. He took two shots at Shotaro’s suggestion, then stopped drinking all together. He planned on doing this well in advance. His forethought was greater than Anton knew.
He rebuffed Sohee’s concern, “Don’t say that. You’re still inside me right now because I asked you to be. I’m not sure it gets more focused on me than that.”
Sohee profiles Anton’s face and body, stopping on his stretched out rim. “I have to pull out soon. I’m tired and need to clean this up.”
Anton does not want to do any of that. Showering and washing the sheets is fine. He knows he has to. Having Sohee’s cum washed out of him? Not so much.
It’s gross and messy. The logistics of it don’t make sense. However, in some perverted way, he wants them both to be soiled like that. It makes him feel close to Sohee in a way he wasn’t before. He doesn’t believe bottoming is more intimate than topping, they both are. It’s about having shared something neither of them had done before they got together. He loves staking claim on Sohee. That’s the deepest aspect of his desire. He wants to do special things with Sohee so their lives are inextricably linked. He wants to be everywhere and leave no room for anyone to question their relationship. He needed to do this tonight and cross another bridge. He got a taste of what it’s like to be freely affectionate around other people and had to find another way to recoup the feeling of that closeness. The only option was doing another brand new thing.
He doesn’t give Sohee any trouble about cleaning up. He offers to strip the sheets and replace them so Sohee can get straight into the shower. Sohee doesn’t like to sweat, much less to sweat and have it dry on his skin before he can do anything about it.
Anton likes being in perfect harmony with Sohee. He’s willing to do anything to keep it that way. He thinks small things like this are the most important.
A month after Sohee agreed to meet his dad, Anton wanted to turn eventually into soon. His birthday, soon. He won’t be mad if Sohee doesn’t feel up to it, but he has to ask. He would love to share the day with them both. Twenty-three isn’t a milestone, so it's not that serious if Sohee isn’t ready. There’s no harm in asking.
Anton is sitting on the couch in the living room when he catches Sohee. He’s been cleaning all day, running around in circles going down his list of tasks. Anton offered to help, but Sohee said doing it himself is more productive. Anton doesn’t take offense, it’s endearing to know that Sohee can’t focus if Anton is around him.
Sohee is mid stride when Anton interrupts him. He has to shout to get his attention. “Hey! Do you have a second?”
“Uh, sure.” Sohee pivots and lays on his back with his feet on Anton’s lap.
Anton severely underestimated how nerve-wracking this would be. “I won’t keep you for long. I was just wondering if you would come over on my birthday. For dinner my dad.”
Sohee lifts his head to look Anton in the eye. “Next week?”
“You can say no. I won’t be upset.” He would be upset. The sad kind of upset. He doesn’t want Sohee to worry about that.
Sohee is intensely focused on the ceiling. “Yeah, I will.”
Anton holds himself back. He needs to hear it again first. “For real?”
Sohee nods, gaze stuck in the same spot. “Yeah.”
Anton throws Sohee’s legs off of his lap and flings himself across the couch. Landing on him so suddenly punches all the air out of Sohee’s chest, which Anton considers a necessary evil. He’s too excited to hesitate.
He gets a hold of himself long enough to settle their bodies into a more comfortable position. They need to talk about it more. Sohee agreeing with four words isn’t the only thing that decides it.
Anton kisses different parts of Sohee’s face between sentences. “You can always say no. Like, if you change your mind. I want to celebrate with just you either way.”
Sohee shakes his head and chases Anton’s lips after the last peck. He takes his turn, planting a quick kiss on Anton’s lips. “I won’t. I want to meet him and spend the day with you. The whole day.”
This is so important to him. In ways he can’t describe without sounding hysterical. Sohee sticking around for Anton’s celebration meant one less obstacle taking away from their impermanent time together. His birthday fell close to the time he’d be leaving for America. He hasn’t made Sohee aware of how soon that will be.
Anton has spent the better part of eight months in Korea. The longest he’s stayed in one place since dropping out of high school was nine months. It was a long, boring eight months. He was there because his mom was irate and refused to fight with him about it. She put him on a plane and told him to sort it out with his dad. Claiming that they all needed time and space. Staying in Korea for too long used to remind him of the teenage wistfulness that tore his family apart.
His mom called the other day and asked him when he’s coming back. She tends to get antsy when he’s away for over three months. His brother’s graduation closing in isn’t helping his case. He brushed her off, saying he doesn’t want to quit his job until he has more money saved up.
That’s true, to some degree. He could stay for a couple more weeks and be set up for a trip to the states. The bigger truth is that he doesn’t want to leave Sohee. Sohee would be understanding and try to come up with a plan to make it easier. That’s what makes Anton feel sick. He knows Sohee will be accommodating and not fully transparent about how Anton leaving for an uncertain amount of months would make him feel. Anton knows, realistically, that he doesn’t have to leave at all. He also knows not going back for a milestone would be in poor taste. The baby of the family crossing over into young adulthood is a big deal.
He’s been grappling with the options he and Sohee would have during the distance. They wouldn’t be totally cut off from one another. They could Skype. Anton could send his pictures over email. They could make it work. It would be fine. It could be, if Anton committed to convincing himself.
He decides to bring it up a week after his mom called. The conversation is inevitable. Sohee got home from work an hour ago. He joined Anton on the bed and fit next to him as the big spoon. He feels safer bringing it up when they’re in such a familiar position. It helps that Sohee is alternating between rubbing his side and petting his hair. He likes falling asleep this way. He doesn't have to say anything about going back to America. He could go to sleep right here, right now, and Sohee wouldn’t have any idea about it.
Anton wishes he could. He has to bring it up now. There’s a plane ticket waiting to be booked and half of his family calling for him. He keeps his eyes forward. There’s nothing to look at except a shut closet door. He has to rip the bandaid off. “I have to go back to America.”
Sohee’s hand stops moving immediately. His fingers are frozen right where they are. Anton can feel Sohee’s breathing become a victim to his anxiety.
Sohee keeps his voice level, knowing Anton can feel his heart knocking on his spine. “Okay. When?”
Anton’s fingers form a fist around the edge of the blanket they share. “A few weeks. My brother is graduating.”
Sohee doesn’t say anything for what feels like hours. Anton is starting to get scared. He doesn’t want this to put a rift between them. Adult couples are separated by responsibilities that call for it all the time. His parents are proof that long distance can work under certain circumstances. He and Sohee wouldn’t have to be long distance long term. It was just a trip. None of this rationalizing is making him feel better.
Sohee resumes petting his hair. “It’s okay. We’ll still be able to talk. It’s slow at work when I’m on the night shift. I could talk to you sometimes while I’m there.”
His voice offers no insight. This is the kind of reaction Anton knew Sohee would have. It should be a comfort. He should appreciate Sohee’s maturity, but he wants Sohee to tell him to stay. He wants to have a reason not to leave and come up with an excuse that his family would accept. It’s unbelievably selfish to be thinking this way. At his best, he knows he won’t leave his brother hanging. At his worst, he wants to. He loves his family very much, but he loves Sohee too.
For the first time in his life, Anton feels good where he is. He wants to stay. He doesn’t want to bounce around and ghost people who care about him because he doesn’t keep track of anything. He wants to stay here with Sohee and maybe try to make friends. He wants to do right by people now that he’s in a better headspace. Himself, too. He wants to make more of his life.
Sohee being supportive should inspire him to start by mending his relationships back in America. He’s not the kind of person to be selfish or encourage people to alter their lives for him. Anton should take that as an example. If he does, he can come back to Sohee as a better man.
A kiss lands on the back of his neck, followed by an arm wrapping around his waist and squeezing tight. “I think you should go. I’ll be here when you get back. Next time you go, I’ll come with.”
Anton doesn’t want to cry. He will when he books a flight. Making peace with every complex emotion can wait until another day. For now, he wants to go to sleep and leave the topic alone. Sohee keeps him from floating away as he gets used to the idea of being away from each other.
Anton told his dad that a guest would be eating with them. He could tell he was surprised. As usual, he didn’t pry. He could make his assessment when he met Sohee. Anton told him what he wanted to eat and they left it at that. They planned to order takeout from his favorite restaurant and keep things casual and comfortable. It would be easier for his dad and Sohee to get to know each other in a place they’re both used to.
Sohee came over the day before and searched for any possible way to come off as nonchalant. He made no mention of his dad, nor asked any questions. He spent at least three hours playing a video game Anton didn’t recognize.
He sat on the floor in front of the couch and made space for Anton to sit between his legs. Occasionally, he handed the controller to Anton and let him try. He’s useless at the games Sohee likes to play. He walks into the humiliation for Sohee’s sake. His laughter is worth playing his frustration up. He had to replace a controller once, because he dropped it mid air and pouted like he was actually suffering.
The unspoken part of the exchange comes in the form of Sohee holding him by the waist while he embarrasses himself. The typically innocent touching in that position far outweighs the handful of times Sohee stuck his hand in Anton’s pants and reduced him to a moaning mess.
Sohee touched him like that yesterday. He played the scene out. Handed the controller over, waited for Anton to rage quit, rewarded him with an orgasm. The whole ordeal, from Anton attempting to play until Sohee came, was no longer than ten minutes.
Sohee was so dedicated to selling false tranquility that he exposed himself. On a normal day, he would’ve gotten up and changed clothes immediately. Last night, he kissed the shell of Anton’s ear and went back to his game. The amount of time spent on the floor extended by an hour because Anton made a comment about Sohee’s avatar. Midnight discretely crept closer, going unnoticed amidst their bickering about what looked cool.
When all was said and done, Sohee’s avatar looked totally different. At this point, it was Anton’s. They went back and forth about the different options, but every point of customization ended up set to Anton’s preferences. Calling it a ploy sounds wrong. Sohee didn’t manipulate anything but time, and he did it well. Anton stayed distracted, only realizing the time when Sohee’s watch alarm went off. He wished him a happy birthday, there, on the floor of a living room they’ve begun to share.
Anton shouldn’t be thinking about this right now. Sohee is a few feet away, sifting through his closet for something good. He sticks various shirts and pants outside the door until they reach an agreement about what Anton is gonna wear. Truthfully, Sohee makes the final call. He’s a lot more concerned about it. About everything, actually.
Sohee found a pocket in time, two hours before Anton’s dad was set to arrive. He used it to give Anton his real gift. It was a small photo album, one that fits two photos per page. Every photo Anton could remember taking was in there, including another copy of the photo Sohee keeps in his wallet.
Anton discovered that a couple months ago, when Sohee dropped it on his way to work and Anton had to bring it to him. In the clear pocket where an ID or driver’s license should be, was a small picture of him. It made him feel faint.
The photo itself was nondescript. It was a candid shot of him leaning against the kitchen counter at his mom’s house, smiling with his lips at a slant. Sohee picking that one out made him feel crazy. He thought, perhaps, it was chosen because the setting is one Sohee has never experienced. To him, it might feel like a way to put himself in Anton’s other home and make himself a part of the narrative. Anton would have to do the same.
Sohee hid the first photos they took together in the middle. Flipping a page and seeing the two perspectives next to each other was like finding a grenade in a time capsule. The other photos were circumstantial, taken out on the street or in very specific lighting that would be hard to replicate. Their earliest photos had a mundane quality about them. They could strip down to their underwear and recreate them right now. They don’t need to dress up or jump through hoops to find the magic again. Ridding themselves of fabric barriers and comparing their bare bodies, hidden away from the world, would bring them back to the place it began.
Sohee obviously plans on adding more memories until the empty pages fill up and he has to get a new one. His archiving is a testament to his anticipation for the future. Sohee documenting their entire relationship and compiling it in one place is the single most romantic thing he’s ever done. Anton believes that to the deepest parts of his heart.
Everything that happened after that is a blur. Sohee had just finished framing Anton’s face with his bangs when they had to go greet his dad. His thoughts trampled over each other as he got to watch his dad and boyfriend make conversation on their own.
He could tell his dad put the pieces together early. The context of their relationship was evident. He didn’t mention any of the clear signs of domesticity all over the place. Amongst different sized shoes lined up by the door and DVDs Anton would never buy on his own, his dad seemed most intrigued by the grocery list and pictures stuck to the fridge. There were ones of their family, and ones of Sohee. Anton and Sohee together, Sohee and Shotaro, and Sohee alone. Nobody called it what it is, but they don’t pretend it’s anything else.
The best part of the night, perhaps, was when Sohee offered to take a picture of Anton with his dad. Something about him wanting to capture them together woke something up in Anton. Every day with Sohee has felt lived in. Everything has come together naturally, even the bumps along the way.
Sohee has never been the most forthcoming guy. If Anton were younger and less trusting, that would have been a struggle. Despite Sohee’s calculated communication, there hasn’t been a trend of Anton questioning what Sohee tells him. Sohee doesn’t have a habit of withholding his feelings when it comes to their relationship. The way he expresses himself isn’t always in the clearest words, but the truth is in there somewhere. If he wanted to hide things, he wouldn’t share his fears in the best way he knows how.
The acceptance of their relationship didn’t stop with Sohee opening himself up to Anton’s family. The camera was passed to Anton’s dad without a word shared between him and Sohee. They didn’t need Anton to understand each other. A glance and nod was all they needed to get on the same page.
Sohee made a quick gesture towards Anton to beckon him over. He didn’t flinch when Anton rested his hand on his waist for the picture his dad took of them. To say what transpired across the night was a dream scenario would be a gross understatement. He wishes it could’ve lasted forever. Until every moment of it flowed through his veins, from his heart to his fingertips so he could touch everything with the life it created inside him.
Since time didn’t stop, keeping his heart in a state of anticipation will count for everything. Maybe next year he can spend his birthday with his whole family. That’s plenty of time to get Sohee on board with the idea.
Sohee has mostly worked from the morning shift since finding out Anton was leaving. He’s a reliable and responsible enough worker to have escaped any pushback from his manager. He wouldn’t have given him the grace, had he known about the bathroom blowjob. He doesn’t, so the transition was spotless.
Anton’s heart leapt out of his chest when Sohee told him he switched so they could sleep together at night. Sohee didn’t make an announcement about it, Anton was the one to bring it up. He noticed that Sohee was around a lot more and asked why he wasn’t leaving in the evening.
As it turns out, his improved presence was plain proactivity. Anton wouldn’t have asked him to switch shifts. Sohee making the change on his own volition told his feelings more than his words did. Their relationship started with Sohee wanting to push himself. He hasn’t stopped doing so.
Anton burnt out on giving too much in his naive years. He’d long given up on sharing his full capacity for affection before Sohee came into his life. With Sohee, he discovered that trying is what he needs from other people. Sohee tried to make the best out of everything they had together. Emotionally, he did things scared. He did it all on his own, driven by the sincerity of his love.
Leaving without Sohee to accompany him still isn’t an idea he likes. Accepting it is paramount. Sohee has made it possible through his unwavering belief in their promises. They’ll talk everyday. They’ll both close the gap everyday.
Anton’s flight is tomorrow. He agreed with his mother to stay for a month. Sohee has the same reaction as when Anton told him he would be leaving.
They’ve only been dating for six months. His trust in Sohee went far before this day. It will go far again, but the suitcase taunting him across the room makes it feel like the end of the world. When he tries his best to reason with his extreme emotions about it, he understands that it’s, most likely, caused by this being his first real relationship. He’s still young, lots of people are overdramatic the first time they’re in love. He’ll have to get used to not spending all of his free time with Sohee eventually. Even as a kid, his family traveled between two countries. He can’t overhaul his lifestyle because he fell in love. Sohee is mature enough to agree. Anton has to meet him in the middle.
Anton has stayed at Sohee’s apartment for the last two weeks. He quit his job at the department store a couple days before then. He didn’t want to do anything except commit everything about Sohee’s life to memory. He didn’t have to do this to remember it. He’s doing it anyway.
He won’t be able to rest when he gets to America if he forgets the way Sohee’s candles smell. He feels like a freak for obsessively doing the dishes so he can smell the dish soap. The laundry detergent is by far the worst one. The brand isn’t sold in America. The kind his mother has used his entire life won’t be comforting anymore.
He’s been good about not wallowing when Sohee is home. He wants to use their time wisely. Sohee has noticed how emotional Anton has been. He isn’t teasing or pushing him around half as often. Everything now is quality time and a lot of innocent touching. Anton thinks Sohee is apprehensive about initiating sex because of his behavior. He’s assuming Sohee doesn’t want to make him cry. Sohee is the sweetest, most mindful guy, but Anton is not leaving him without having sex.
They’re both completely naked. Anton is perched on Sohee’s lap. They’ve been this way for a while. Skin to skin contact calms Anton down. He would have found a way to be inside Sohee’s skin by now if there was a way.
Anton lifts his head from Sohee’s shoulder to look at his face. He’s been having a hard time facing him today.
Staring is a big part of their relationship. Sohee was the one to set that precedent. Finding words was not a strong suit of his, hence the intense nonverbal communication that comes with prolonged eye contact. Anton has kept his face out of sight for long enough.
Sohee plays with his ear and kisses the corner of his mouth, whispering, “You’re so pretty. I’m gonna miss you a lot.”
Anton doesn’t try to speak through his wobbling bottom lip. It’s too soon to cry. If he can control it until they’re actually fucking, it might be sexy.
Sohee coos at him like he would at a child. “You won't be gone long. I’ll only be a call away.”
That isn’t anything they haven’t already discussed. He has his eyes squeezed tight. For the first time in two weeks, he doesn’t want to look at Sohee. It’s more that he can’t.
Sohee grabs Anton’s face with both hands. “Are you sure you want to have sex?”
Sohee would have laughed at how fast Anton’s eyes shoot open in any other situation. “Yes. I’ll go crazy if I don't have the freshest memory I can.”
Anton slides off Sohee’s legs and waits for him to lay next to the spot they just shared. Anton’s breaths are faulty from the mix of nearly crying and how badly he wants to be all over him. He’s glad they waited until now. He really is. The only problem with it is how fast he might cum.
He reaches over to yank the drawer open and snatch the bottle of lube out. He hopes he doesn’t seem aggressive.
Anton almost blacks out when turns and sees Sohee face down, ass up. Anton has, of course, seen him like this before. The position isn’t the only thing that’s making his dick twitch. The position will always be lewd and make Anton want to put Sohee through the mattress. It’s the fact that Anton hasn’t touched Sohee below the belt in so long that’s making his hands shake. He got used to fucking every other day in the last six months. If it weren’t for Anton becoming one big open wound, that wouldn’t have been interrupted.
He’s happy Sohee can’t see how stupid he looks crawling over. He doesn’t make a significant move yet. They need to take their time. It’ll be the last time they’re together for a longer amount of time than they’ve gone since they met.
Sohee shifts on his knees and does his version of begging. “Chanyoung, hurry up. I’ve waited as long as you have.”
Anton traces over the knobs of Sohee’s spine, reveling in the goosebumps that raise under his index finger. His voice is small when he says, “I’m trying to look at you. Give me a second…”
Sohee huffs and swings his arm back to catch Anton’s arm. This is the kind of thing that makes Anton feel like he’s going to pass out. Sohee is making three of his fingers disappear inside of his mouth and sucking on them like a dick. His eyes used to water when he tried taking them in until his lips reached Anton’s knuckles. Sohee is comfortable with it now, enough to moan and make a show of Anton’s longest finger pressing down on the back of his tongue. Anton promised to work Sohee up to being able to take his dick, and by proxy, his fingers. Their shared determination got Sohee there fast.
Sohee releases his fingers with a pop. He licks his lips and brings his voice back, “Go ahead.”
Anton still doesn’t grab the lube. All of that licking and sucking was just to rile him up. It worked, but not in the way Sohee meant. If Anton gave in and rushed the process, it would be over too fast. Sohee can stand to be frustrated this once.
Anton pushes Sohee’s legs farther apart and spreads him wide open. He rubs his dry thumb over Sohee’s hole to make him arch into his touch. “I was gonna start here, but I don’t think I want to anymore. Looks like you already fingered yourself.”
“Of course I did. You didn’t?” The impatience in his voice is booming.
Anton leans over his back and lowers his voice, “You caught me. Do you want to fuck me first?”
Sohee tilts his head on the pillow and looks at Anton incredulously. “Obviously not. I wouldn’t be in this position if I did. I have a plan.”
Anton accepted that. There was no use in arguing, Sohee knew what he could handle better than he did. He needs to get to work now. Sohee will touch himself if he takes too long.
He slides his hand from Sohee’s lower back to his stomach. His fingers left a trail of spit in their wake, leaving none to spread on Sohee’s dick. He wraps his hand around it anyway.
Sohee hisses, thrusting into Anton’s grip more than letting Anton truly jerk him off. His hips stutter through the effort he has to make against the chafing. “You—” He chokes on a groan, “Have to get it wet… Hurts.”
“But I like it like this,” he pouts, intentionally provoking Sohee. He went into this thinking he would be sad and crying the whole time. Instead, he wants to extract as much as he can out of Sohee. He doesn’t want Sohee to be quiet and lose out on pleasure because he got into his own head.
Sohee reacts perfectly. He gets up on his hands and knees with a massive sigh. “You know what? You’re done.” He throws his arm behind his back and grabs Anton’s forearm to yank him down onto the bed. He looks agitated when he says, a little harshly, “I was gonna let you do whatever you wanted first since you’re leaving me. You clearly can’t handle the responsibility.”
Sohee can say whatever he wants. Nothing can hide how desperate he is. Either way, he’s gonna fuck Anton’s brains out. They can get there however Sohee sees fit.
Anton feels smug watching Sohee frantically slather his cock in way too much lube. He managed to collect some of the excess in his hand before Sohee sat down on it. He sat on the entire length of Anton’s cock in one go, not giving himself nor Anton a chance to adjust to the sensation.
“H-help—” Sohee spits, unable to take full breaths. “Me. Lift me up.”
Anton obeys, slowly bouncing Sohee on his lap. “I thought you were gonna do the work.”
Sohee’s fingernails are digging into his chest. He straightens his fingers out then, then curls them tight. “Shut up. I will.”
The claw marks are gonna be red and sore for days. The skin is already burning from the irritation. Anton will wince any time fabric touches it. How incredibly sexy that is cannot be overstated. He wants to visit the pool near his house in America just to show them off. No one would know they came from a man instead of a woman. They would only know that he made someone feel good enough to mark him up.
“Or what?” He thrusts up into Sohee on his way down, prematurely connecting their bodies. He’s having fun with this. He loves doing what Sohee says, chasing praise and being good for him. However, giving him a hard time will be more memorable.
Sohee yelps, then replies. “Or I won’t let you cum inside me. That’s what you want to remember, right? Your favorite part?”
Well. Turns out, there are consequences to his actions. Sohee doesn’t joke about that kind of thing, he will quite literally pull off and let Anton’s cum go to waste. Nightmare scenario.
He takes too long to react. Sohee sits up on his knees and lets his dick slip out. He wails at the loss and tries to forceSohee back down. He’s a lot stronger than he looks, resisting Anton’s strength with a hand on the center of his chest.
The squelch when his dick slipped out plays in his ears like a broken record. Looking down his chest and at Sohee’s horribly neglected dick isn’t helping his disorientation. His own is glistening from behind so wet. Sohee felt anything on his dick since Anton jerked him off. He feels stupid now, he lapped up some of the lube earlier because he wanted to make sure Sohee got some attention there. Most of that lube is uselessly coating his hip.
Anton takes Sohee’s dick in his hand and swirls his hand around. He shows Sohee a sad little expression, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I want to.”
Sohee swipes Anton’s hair out of his eyes and smiles at him. He lines Anton’s cock up to his hole and sits down on it, fast and unforgiving like the first time. “That’s what I thought.”
Sohee doesn’t reintroduce the drool-inducing bouncing. He’s treating Anton’s hand like a makeshift fleshlight and thrusts into it. It works for both of them. From Anton’s position, it feels similar to riding.
Suddenly, Anton felt something wet hit his stomach. Nothing it could have been made sense in his head. He cracked one eye open to see what it was and didn’t have to look down at his stomach to figure it out. Sohee is crying. Anton must have been too focused on his body to differentiate the noises he was making. The only way to actually tell he was crying was through his tears.
He releases Sohee’s dick and weakly asks, “Do you want to stop?”
Sohee looks up towards the ceiling and tries to blink the tears away. “No. I feel good. Gonna miss you so much.”
Anton can tell he isn’t lying. His heart aches all the same. Sohee rarely cried. Anton hates being the cause of it.
Sohee isn’t uncomfortable, so Anton won’t protest. Plus, sad as this situation is, Sohee looked really great with a red nose and teary eyes.
He rolls them both over. Sohee is small to the point where his lower back lifts off the bed in missionary. It’s even more exaggerated right now because he has his ankles crossed behind Anton’s back.
Anton is fucking Sohee deep and slow, carving the shape of his cock into his body. He sucked half a dozen hickeys on Sohee’s neck and chest to distract himself from the tears in his own eyes. It’s a miracle none have escaped yet.
What Anton does next might be overkill. There’s no reason to hold back— not when they’re running out of time.
He sits up on his knees, allowing his dick to repeatedly kiss Sohee’s most sensitive spot. He splays his fingers over half of Sohee’s stomach and presses on the skin underneath his belly button. He releases the pressure, then applies it again. He can’t actually feel his dick through Sohee’s stomach, but it’s the thought that counts. He sniffles ahead of his confession. “I love you so much, Sohee. I really do.”
Sohee, moaning and convulsing, says nothing. Anton’s hand was the only thing keeping him in place through his orgasm.
Anton pulls out one last time, shooting more cum than he’s ever produced out on the way back inside. Going without Sohee for months might kill him. Nothing in his life has given him such a vast, deeply human spectrum of emotions. His adult life to this point had been devoid of… All of this. He can’t say he’s ever felt so strongly about another person. He stares down at Sohee recovering and ignores the bite of his tears. He was feeling the weight of this night deep in his chest, as if his body was trying to make it physically impossible for him to leave.
Sohee must notice, because he swipes a thumb under both eyes to gather the tears up before they can fall. Worse, he sticks that same thumb in his mouth and sucks all of the salty tears off. This whole thing is incredibly emotional and that was the cherry on top.
Anton doesn’t know how long they laid there. He’s just thankful Sohee put his strict showering routine on the back burner for a bit. Not that he could’ve made it to the bathroom alone immediately after.
However long it was, it wasn't long enough. Sohee probably thinks he’s sleeping. It makes sense, his motionless state sells that possibility. Still, he is not a fan of the mattress bouncing back into shape from the lack of weight after Sohee gets up. If he had more energy, he would’ve made an effort against Sohee’s decision.
He listens close to every sound coming from the bathroom. The door was wide open. Anton could hear the patter of Sohee’s feet on the tile, caps popping open, even shampoo lathering up in his hair.
Anton wonders what time it is. It’s okay if he can’t get much sleep. The time would be better spent tired with Sohee.
Right on cue, the water cuts off. Sohee walks back to the bed a few minutes later. Anton hasn’t moved. He isn’t actively trying to look asleep, though it surely looks that way.
Sohee pushes him by the shoulder gently, using the same voice he does when he wakes Anton up for work. “Hey, baby. We’re not done.”
Not done? Sohee has edged him and coaxed multiple orgasms out of him before, but what they did tonight was intense. Anton wasn’t adverse to the idea, just intimidated. Vulnerable doesn’t begin to cover how he feels right now. “What did you have in mind?”
His answer comes by way of two dildos landing on the bed. He points to the smaller one first. “That one is for your mouth.” Then, he points to the bigger one and matter-of-factly adds, “That one is going inside you.”
Anton laughs. Pornographic things roll right off his tongue. The tone of his voice is the same as it is when he talks about, say, groceries they need. He could be pointing at two heads of cabbage right now, asking Anton which one looks better, and his demeanor would be the exact same. It feels good to laugh. Anton hasn’t done enough of it lately.
Sohee smiles at him, fully embracing the length of Anton’s laughter. It wasn’t funny to him, nothing he said was abnormal from his perspective. His smile came from gratification. Anton can see it all over his face, how pleased he is to warrant that kind of reaction.
His eyes wander around the bed, particularly the spot he occupied. His nose is slightly scrunched up, looking at the mess they made with mild disgust. Duh. Anton didn’t believe for a second that Sohee would get on it in this state.
Anton cuts to the chase. “Are you gonna make me get up?”
Sohee thinks on it, ultimately shaking his head. Anton assumes time is a big factor in that. They can’t have much of it left. He has to shower and double check his bag at some point.
Anton picks up the bigger dildo and turns it around, getting a read on its size. It’s a little disappointing. It’s beautiful and big, yeah. And yet, nothing like the real thing. He has to ask, “Why aren’t you gonna fuck me yourself?”
Sohee replaces the dildo in Anton’s hand with the smaller one. He shrugs, “It’s bigger than mine. You’ll feel it longer because you aren’t used to it. Ideally, you’ll still be feeling it when you’re in a different timezone. I want what I did to you to follow you there.”
Okay. Yeah. Right. Sounds good. Not an insane thing to say at all.
The dildo he has in his hand suddenly feels heavier. Sohee said it’s going in his mouth. This is a lot of silicone. He holds it up to Sohee’s face and raises another question, “And this one? At the same time?“
“This one first, then both,” Sohee confirms with a nod. He kisses Anton’s forehead and holds his hand out. “Can I have it?”
Anton holds his gaze and passes it to him. Sohee finally joined him on the bed, sitting crisscrossed between his legs. He can’t speak or move on his own. He fingered himself while Sohee was out earlier, on the off chance that Sohee wanted to do something like this. He remembers Sohee mentioning a plan, but getting left on the mattress had him thinking it was abandoned.
Sohee taps the dildo against his cheek and smiles at Anton opening his mouth without further instruction. He’s staring at Anton in awe. “Look at that. Do you think you’ll gag?”
What does it matter? Anton needs something in his mouth. He’ll take however much Sohee wants him to. He turns his head to reach the dildo with his mouth. Sohee makes it hard on him, pulling it farther away the closer he gets. Anton gives up and closes his eyes. They don't have time to play so much. “Doesn’t matter. I want it.”
Sohee goes along with it. He kisses the tip of the dildo and begins feeding it to Anton. He slowly pushes it past Anton’s lips, holding it steady about halfway in. He checks Anton’s eyes for tears before continuing. The inches gradually disappear into his mouth, which makes it feel bigger than it actually is.
The last bit does make him gag. Anton panics when Sohee starts pulling it out. He doesn’t want to disappoint him. He collects himself quickly and chases after it, craning his neck far off the pillow. Sohee is taking it too far away, he has no choice but to let it pop out.
“Baby, you have to relax.” Sohee's voice is gentle, bordering on concern. “I changed my mind. I want you to take care of it. Don’t overdo it trying to impress me.”
Anton wants his mouth filled up so bad that he doesn’t question it. They’ve passed this stupid dildo back and forth way too many times. He does value having the liberty to control what he’s gagging on.
In the meantime, Sohee is kissing down his neck and chest. He pauses over the welted scratch marks that end dangerously close to his nipples. The wounds are still fresh, the lightest touch of Sohee’s tongue makes gasp. Sohee moves on from licking and kisses them instead. Any contact hurts. They feel tender under the kissing, whereas licking feels like their healing processes goes back to the beginning.
“Sorry for these. I wasn’t thinking.” Sohee moves down a little more, planting similar kisses on each nipple. He giggles at Anton arching into it and repeats the action twice. His eyes are locked on Anton’s face. “Do you forgive me?”
Anton tries to say ‘yesyesyes’ like a mantra, only for it to sound like incoherent babbling. He was unwilling to take the dildo out of his mouth for the sake of clarity, so his enthusiasm will have to do the trick. The gargling and spit leaking out of the sides of his mouth say it all.
Sohee takes his time intermittently sucking on his nipples and squeezing his cock. Anton is barely using the dildo properly. Its purpose is to keep his mouth full, rather than push the limits of his gag reflex. It’s a good thing there isn’t a real cock in his mouth. Sohee wouldn’t be satisfied. A real cock requires consistent repetition and reliable suction. Anton is treating the silicone as a plug of sorts. It’s a placeholder, relying on the heat inside his mouth to imitate a red hot cock.
Anton feels cold lube on two fingers circle his hole. Two will fit easily. He rushed to open himself up, but he got the job done. Stretching him out more won’t be an uphill battle. Sohee’s voice cuts through his haze. “I’m gonna use the big one soon. Don’t take that out of your mouth until I flip you over.”
Jesus Christ. Sohee is out of his mind. ‘Don’t take that out of your mouth until I flip you over.’ Who says that?
Sohee bypasses two fingers, going straight for three. The burn is mild. Honestly, Anton likes it. Sohee isn’t being rough, just doing exactly what he said he would and making Anton revel in it.
Patience is not Anton’s strong suit. Sohee is intentionally avoiding his prostate. He understands why he’s focusing more on stretching him out. He would respect it, if he didn’t know Sohee is doing it to string him along.
There’s a brief second where his middle finger rubs against it. It happens while Sohee is making his pinky finger fit alongside the rest of them. Anton tries to find the pressure again by rolling his hips around. He accomplishes nothing.
Sohee’s fingers stall once the fourth is settled in. “Do you want to take it already?”
Anton has to remind himself to communicate without words. He isn’t allowed to take the dildo out of his mouth yet. He nods through his delirium, jaw ache and all. Nodding doesn’t express how strongly he wants to take it. He decides to reach down between his legs and slip Sohee’s fingers out himself. The emptiness leaves a gaping hole in two places, where he’s about to get fucked and his heart. A singular second without being stuffed makes him feel miles away from Sohee.
Sohee registers what Anton is telling him in no time. Every inch of the dildo is angled towards his prostate, sitting perfectly like it was made for his body. The sensation caused him to accidentally swallow around the dildo in his mouth and cough. He’s certain Sohee watched a stray tear roll down the side of his face and onto his ear.
“You can take it out. Go ahead and roll yourself over. I don’t want to manhandle you.” Sohee is looking down at him so fondly. Sohee has been excellent at crippling his ugly emotions tonight. His face, his fingers, and the expanse of his skin wipes Anton’s anxiety from his mind. He hoped to have it lost in the back of his mind, but Sohee’s sincerity sent it all the way out. It won’t last. They still have to reckon with the separation in a few hours.
Anton is thankful for the reprieve Sohee provides in the meantime.
He takes huge, gasping breaths after he takes the dildo out of his mouth. Having his windpipe obstructed for so long definitely started to make him lightheaded. While that would be uncomfortable for most, he liked it. He liked it because he was doing what Sohee wanted, and because Sohee had to watch over him closely. Granted, he always did so.
Anton has never bottomed face down. It feels pretty natural. He spreads his knees wide in order to expose everything. The most perverted part of his mind wants Sohee to make him watch through a mirror. There’s so many things he’ll ask to do after getting back.
Sohee uses the dildo like he did the first time he fucked Anton, sudden and without pause. The biggest difference is, Anton doesn’t have to beg for it. Sohee alternates between fast, pounding thrusts and holding it flush against his ass for several seconds. He holds it there by pressing his palm against the suction base as hard as he can, fully aware of how the pressure milks Anton’s prostate.
There’s a hand on the back of his neck, lightly squeezing the sides and holding him down on the mattress. Sohee has made it impossible for Anton to do anything but lay there and take it. He can’t tell if Sohee is jerking off, mainly because his ears can’t register noises outside of Sohee’s voice.
He’s speaking softly. His tone creates a major dichotomy between it and his words. “No one else could fuck you like I do. I’m sorry you won’t feel this good for so long.”
Giving him something different was a good call. What Sohee is doing to him can’t be grouped with the other times they’ve had sex. On top of that, Anton wouldn’t be able to handle getting fucked after first orgasm. He swallows the spit that’s been leaking onto the pillow, words slurring and struggling to get through Sohee’s grip. “Don’t stop. Please, don't stop.”
Sohee laughs and slams the dildo in and out faster. “Don’t worry. I won’t make you wait. You can touch yourself while I focus on this. Cum whenever you want.”
Permission is where his most mindblowing organs come from. Sohee isn’t one to torture him, so that’s not why it works. He’s addicted to validation from Sohee on every front. His wants and needs are taken care of under no duress. Bickering on occasion is something they both like, particularly because it reminds them of the endless pit of enabling Sohee is dedicated to. Anton gets away with more than he ever imagined possible.
Precum and lube that messily spread between his legs is what he uses to ease the slightly uncomfortable sensation of his dry palm on his shaft. Exclusively twisting his hand around the head of his cock is surprisingly good. That could be because he already came once. Speculating isn’t worth his attention. He only cares about how good and fast it’s working.
The dildo is roughly the same size as his cock. He’s taking the same amount Sohee does on the regular. On the receiving end, it’s no wonder why Sohee acts the way he does. Anton doesn’t have the gall to pretend he could ride a cock this size on his own. He respects Sohee more now. He can’t imagine having the focus to hold off when the length of it doesn’t need maneuvering to tap his prostate.
Sohee receives no warning. Anton’s cock spurts cum on the already soiled sheets, riding it out by pathetically fucking himself on the stationary dildo.
Less cum than before forms a pool underneath him. He overcomes his exhaustion in order to get away from it. His skin is already sticky, making a bigger mess of himself isn’t appealing. Laying on his back saves catching his breath from being a struggle.
The dildo slipped out when Sohee let go of it as Anton flipped himself over, leaving him with a gaping hole and half a mind.
Sohee is hard, naturally. He speaks as though he has no interest in doing something about that. “You have to shower. We don’t have time for you to put it off. And you aren’t finished packing.”
The numbers on the clock shine neon green that illuminates the bedside table. The majority of the light comes from a weak lamp nearby. One side of Sohee’s face lacks definition under the forced shadows. Fortunately, Anton’s brain fills in the gap. A pitch black room wouldn’t disturb his recognition. Adjusted eyes, followed by the time it takes for a heartbeat to occur, and he‘d be able to recognize Sohee’s face. He’s confident that he could point to his moles, one by one, from memory alone.
The time says they have two more hours together. Staying awake is more attractive than sleeping for such a short amount of time. It would take half of that for him to fall asleep. Cutting it close on time is inevitable. A few extra minutes with Sohee makes the prospect of running through the airport the least of his worries.
Anton waits a total of five minutes before dragging his feet to the bathroom. Sohee sits on the counter and watches him do his routine, start to finish. After what they’ve done, he shouldn’t be embarrassed. Being silently observed accentuates the shyness baked into his personality.
Sohee says nothing while Anton uses his products. Washing away the evidence of how Sohee affected him warped his sense of reality. Physically, he looks the same. Tackiness from sweat and an inordinate amount of cum disappearing down the drain leaves him feeling naked. Ironic, since he is actually naked. It just isn’t that simple.
The nakedness he’s experiencing now reminds him of anatomy models in a textbook, the ones that are made to study internal organs. Most of the model has skin, but the heart and lungs are fully exposed. Cleaning Sohee’s mess off feels like the layers of skin protecting his chest cavity are going with it. Coating his body in Sohee’s signature scent is the closest replacement, or rather, repair he can get.
Their routines sync up after Anton gets out of the shower. Sohee, in all of his tenderness, sets them up to help each other. Anton washes Sohee’s face, Sohee washes his face. They swap lip balms after brushing their teeth independently. Sohee tells Anton to bring it with him. Anton is thinking Sohee did that because he used his stuff in the shower. Tasting Sohee on his lips is better than smelling him. It’ll go a long way as the days go by.
Anton extends his self care farther than he would do on a normal day. He also drags folding the last few articles of clothing he needs out for minutes on end. Exhausting every option is irresponsible. And yet, neither of them care. Sohee helps him with the clothes, rolling pairs of socks together and folding shirts in a convoluted way.
No amount of claiming to forget something and kissing in the living room before leaving for the airport helps. He can feel the dreadful energy radiating off of the suitcase beside them. The extent of their goodbye at the terminal will be a hug. Squeezing as many significantly intimate touches here is all they have. The last bit of touching they do isn’t a kiss. Anton hugs Sohee tight around the shoulders, while Sohee’s overlap around his waist. He’s caught off guard by Sohee mustering all of strength to lift him the tiniest bit into the air.
Sohee isn’t strong enough to hold him up any higher or longer. The gesture is plenty romantic, not needing a long duration to make an impact. Getting swept off his feet, literally this time, is a massive comfort. Sohee didn’t even grunt at the effort. Nothing impairs him when it comes to reaching into Anton’s heart. Nonverbally, nonsexually, or both at the same time, he always makes it happen. He utilizes the right means of communication based upon the nuances in Anton’s emotional expression at any given moment. Anton would argue that, outside of his mother, Sohee knows more about him than anyone else. Sohee studies him with conviction. It’s different from familial love.
Being loved by family members is inherent, even with complications. His family didn’t learn to love him over time. It came without question when he was born. Sohee loving him is rooted in active infatuation and labors of love. It’s constantly evolving and informing itself. Anton’s body takes the shape of Sohee’s perception. He’s come into the resplendence Sohee sees in him, and is motivated by the fresh vivacity Sohee discovered through his passion for him.
Later, taking the bus is their refuge. One other person is on it, and he’s sitting at the front facing away from them. They were lucky for that. It made it possible for them to press their shoulders against each other and avoid a suspicious stare. Anton would prefer Sohee being able to rest his head there too. He imagines taking a photo of Sohee’s cheek squished against it with the camera lens turned backwards. Doing that simply isn’t possible. Nothing he wants to do is.
Passing his index finger over Sohee’s fingers is another thing he desperately wants to do. In some far off future, he’ll get to do that. Putting his hand on top of Sohee’s and tightening his grip until his nails leave indents wouldn’t be perceived as inappropriate. Sohee’s hand could travel from his thigh to his knee and stay there for the entirety of the trip and not raise any eyebrows. One day, they wouldn’t have to resist the urge to take turns kissing each other's knuckles. He’s horrified by how stunted their affection is. He feels helpless and paralyzed by the burden of sanitizing his desires. He can’t do anything about these circumstances except endure.
Outside of the sliding doors that welcome the travelers, they don’t hug for longer than a minute. Anton slipped his last ‘I love you’ into that inadequate time. Sohee stayed stone faced during the goodbye. Anton guesses that his coping mechanism is zoning out. Emotionally shutting down must help immensely. Anton wishes he was capable of such a thing.
Sohee ardently held himself together by speaking sparingly. His ‘I love you’ came in the form of mouthed words. It felt like he left his heart in his apartment and locked it inside on the way out. Anton can’t remember another time he’s felt so irreparably awful.
Sohee’s commitment to composure had one silver lining. The lack of visible distress allowed him to also control himself. The tears took a long time to flow, doing so only after he entered the jet bridge. It took four hours of crying on and off for his eyes to dry up. Each fit of hysteria was expended by staring out the window. Being questioned or pitied for it would’ve triggered him. Under no circumstances would he invite someone else into his sadness. It was his and Sohee’s alone. Sharing it was out of the question.
What a remarkably depressing decision to make.
Anton’s mom picks him up from the airport. She does a lot of cheek kissing and pinching when he comes up to the car. He puts on his most convincing smile and hugs her like he did every other time he came back. Making sure she doesn’t notice how dejected he is for as long as possible is his priority.
His brother is at that age where he acts disinterested in closeness to his family. Anton isn’t in the mood to tease him about it. He throws his suitcase into the trunk while he waits for his brother to get out of the front seat and into the back.
Anton deflates into the passenger's seat and tries to ignore everything about being here. He’s slouched in the passenger's seat, arms crossed over each other. His mom doesn’t say anything. Jet lag is the simplest explanation.
The airport is about an hour and a half away from their house. He’s scared to open his eyes and watch all the familiar buildings pass. It will make the distance feel real and in his face. He felt bad enough stepping off the plane and into the terminal.
He doesn’t open his eyes when his mom rubs her hand on his head. Her voice is small like his. “We’re almost home.”
Anton sits upright for the remainder of the ride. The short distance is a microdose of reality he can’t escape anymore. Turning left onto the street he grew up on is the first thing that doesn’t upset him. The cars parked in driveways and on the street are the same. If nothing else makes sense, this does. This quaint neighborhood doesn’t need tending.
His mom makes Junyoung bring his suitcase into the house. She said something about respect and responsibility when he whined about it. Anton didn’t stick around for their debate. He was able to grab the keys from her hand before they really got into it. He’s in the mood for sleep, not whatever life lesson that boy is being taught. The first day might be the worst. He doesn’t want to find out.
His instinct was to fall right on his bed without changing or getting undressed. He’s right in front of his bed when he remembers that Sohee doesn’t like outside clothes on the bed. This is the kind of thing that will torment him for the next two months.
With an excessive amount of force, he rubs both hands up and down his face. He opens his door to go retrieve his suitcase, even though he could have just gone in his closet and found something to wear. No reason to put it off.
Junyoung left it right in front of his door. He feels a bit ridiculous for how hard he swung it open. He rolls it in until it’s barely out of the way. He can’t put it on the bed either. Instead, he pushes it over and lets it hit the floor. The handle makes an awful clanking noise when it makes contact.
Anton is totally zoned out as he unzips it and flips the top part off. He doesn’t want to wear any of this. He would sleep in his underwear if he didn’t have to worry about his mom or brother walking in. It’s not inappropriate, but he doesn’t like the lack of control he has over when he’d be seen in that state. He keeps tossing each thing he grabs behind him. He’s about halfway into the suitcase when something falls from his fingers mid toss. He’s been throwing a couple things at once, so he must not have had a good grip on something. He turns his back around a little to see what it is. It’s white and folded up. He thought it was underwear at first and picked it up without thinking anything of it. That lasted a solid two seconds when it rolled out into the air and he discovered what it really is. There’s no way.
He brought it in front of him and held it in both hands. His fingers were crinkling the fabric from how tight he was holding it. It wasn’t anything crazy. But it kind of was. At some point, Sohee hid one of his pillowcases between Anton’s clothes. There’s a piece of paper stuck in the middle.
Bring it back in one piece. You come back to me in one piece, too. I didn’t give you any clothes because they wouldn’t fit. You’ll have to make do. I love you and I miss you very much.
Anton’s fingers are shaking like some teenager who gor a note from their crush. He doesn’t know why Sohee doesn’t think he’s romantic. The pillow is better than clothes. He sleeps on his stomach most nights. Having it means he can sleep with Sohee infiltrating his senses.
He does laugh at the realization that they had the same idea without coordinating. Sohee was right. He did leave two hoodies and a pair of sweatpants in Sohee’s closet.
Anton takes a pause, vaguely remembering something he was supposed to do. It hits him when he looks at his nearly empty suitcase. He was supposed to text Sohee when he made it home. It slipped his mind after being on autopilot for hours.
He gets up way too fast. He doesn’t know why he rushed to the laptop. It’s been dormant for months. He left it here once two years ago and has treated it as a built-in computer since then.
He occupies himself by throwing the pillowcase on his bed and shaking one of his pillows until it’s bare. He does that again, the opposite way, to put Sohee’s pillowcase on.
Once the laptop is booted up and their chat box is open, Anton’s fingers furiously type a bunch of very loving nonsense. He saves his other thoughts for their upcoming call. At the end, Anton types ‘thank you thank you thank you’ and goes to hit send. The cursor is just over the send button when he remembers to add the most important thing. He hits the return button and makes ‘i love you’ the first thing Sohee will read.
He definitely has to sleep now. His present got him riled up, but it’s not enough to keep him awake. He puts on the closest t-shirt and shorts and face plants onto the pillow. Sohee will be waiting for him.
Anton woke up about twelve hours later. He didn’t check the time before he slept, so that’s an educated guess. He’s surprised his mom didn’t wake him up for dinner.
He’s glad she let him sleep. It’s the perfect time to look for Sohee's reply, he’s definitely off work. Anton isn’t sure if Sohee would have time to reply before work. If he didn’t, he certainly did by now.
He stumbles to his desk and sees a message from Sohee waiting at the top of his inbox. He didn’t shut his laptop off before going to sleep, in hopes that he’d be online again soon. Anton was right about Sohee sending a reply by now. The timestamp says it’s from a couple hours ago. He’s glad he didn’t keep Sohee waiting for long. A smile is trying to burst across his face over the first line. It mirrored what he wrote on his, with an added bonus. “I love you too my baby.”
Sohee doesn’t use proper punctuation. Every statement is a full stop. Maybe that’s because he likes everything that Sohee does.
The message is roughly as long as the one he sent.
I’m glad you made it safely. I read what you sent before I left for work. I didn't want to reply right then because it would've been too short. I thought about you all day. I don’t know what your room looks like you know. Show me before you come back.
I’m at your place right now. I’m gonna sleep here until you get back I think. I brought the clothes you left for me, so don’t think I didn’t notice. I have the sweatpants on. The drawstring is tied as tight it goes but they still won’t stay up all the way. I wore one of your shirts so the whole world didn’t see my waistband.
God. Anton feels winded. He assumed Sohee would go to his place sometimes. Sohee being there every day and every night makes him feel lightheaded. He didn’t make his bed before he left. The sheets weren’t dirty, but he wishes he fixed the place up a bit beforehand.
On the other hand, Anton is really enjoying the mental image of Sohee wearing his clothes constantly. Anton has to lean back in his chair and cover his face with his hands. Sohee is going to spend the better part of two months walking around looking and smelling like him. Anton doesn’t like to indulge his possessiveness, but he can’t help it when Sohee tells him things like this. All that matters is Sohee engulfing himself in Anton.
He doesn’t respond to anything else in the email when he sends one back.
antoni:
can you Skype? like right now?
If Sohee doesn’t reply in about five minutes, Anton will assume a video call will have to wait. His thought is interrupted by the ringing of an incoming call a minute later.
Anton jumps up with his laptop in hand and bounds to his bed. Sohee’s face pops up big on the screen. It looks like he’s laying down on the couch with the laptop on his stomach.
Anton is sitting up on his knees and setting everything right. He drags his pillow down from his headboard and replaces it with the laptop. He pats it a few times to fluff it up before laying on his stomach, one hand on top of the other to make a stool for his chin.
Sohee watched it all with a smile on his face. The one he does when he wants to control his outward enthusiasm. He looks really young when he makes this face.
They stay on call for hours. Anton heard birds chirping soon after they started talking. The sun is up now, it’s light breaching his room through the light curtains. Sohee asked him several times if he was tired and wanted to go back to sleep. It was really endearing. Anton’s day was just getting started, and Sohee was worried about him sleeping. Anton repeats the question to Sohee each time. It’s getting late over there.
In theory, Anton does want him to go to sleep. He’s been yawning on and off for the last 45 minutes. In practice, Anton won’t initiate hanging up.
He’s in the middle of a sentence when his door swings open. He whips his head around and barely leaves his laptop open.
It’s his mom. Half of her body is in his room. It’s very likely she caught a glimpse of his screen before he could react. Sohee isn’t making any noise. He definitely knows what’s happening. Anton really wishes his mom treated him like her adult son in moments like this.
“Who are you talking to? I’m making breakfast before Junyoung goes to school. Come eat.” She doesn’t stay to hear the answer to her question. Anton waits to lift the screen of his laptop up until the door clicks.
Sohee’s mouth is twisted up like he’s losing a battle against his amusement. He breaks when he sees the pitiful look on Anton’s puppy eyes. “Sorry. You reacted like she was gonna catch you watching porn or something. Now she has a reason to be suspicious.”
That makes Anton drop his head on the pillow. His words come out as a muffled whine, “I knoooooow.”
Sohee is sitting up farther by the second. “Just tell her the truth. I’m gonna go to sleep and you should go eat with your family. We can talk later.”
“Wait—” Anton sits up to match his position. “…Are you going to sleep in my bed?”
Sohee deadpans. “I’m gonna take one of the last buses to my place. I’m gonna do that when I could walk twenty feet and sleep in a king size bed that smells like you.” He turns away from the camera and lets the sarcasm dissolve. “…It’s almost ten o’clock. I’m sleeping here. Go be with your family.”
“Let me know when you wake up. Love you.” Anton ends the call immediately. Sohee doesn’t like when one of them doesn’t say it back. He’s gotta pay for laughing at Anton misfortune.
A bunch of messages flood the chat box after the call. Sohee is remarkably easy to provoke.
Sohee:
Call back
Seriously
I won’t be able to sleep call me back
antoni:
i can’t my mom sent junyoung to get me
we can talk later :)
Sohee:
Chanyoung I’m serious call me back
antoni:
laterrrrrr
His mom did not send Junyoung to get him. He said that to make Sohee think he went away from his keyboard. He’s waiting for Sohee to send one last message before he actually leaves his room.
Sohee:
Why are you being evil
I’ll deal with you later
But
I do love you
Don’t do that to me again -_-
Only now does Anton close his laptop. He’ll come back to reply in an hour or two to keep up the facade. His stomach flips when he reads the messages again. If he did something like that in person, Sohee would have used all of his strength to push Anton around. In a good way. As foreplay, even.
Anton has to physically shake the idea out of his head for two reasons. One, he really has to go to the kitchen. His mom will make it an interrogation if he doesn’t. Two, wandering thoughts about what Sohee would do if they were together will ruin his day. He doesn’t want to take away from the good call they just had.
Breakfast isn’t awkward, but Anton is waiting for the other shoe to drop. He thinks he might be in the clear when his mom collects the empty plates and starts washing them. Junyoung took it as a chance to spend a few more minutes in his room before going to school, so it’s just the two of them.
Anton stays put. Maybe it’s better if she asks now. On the last plate, she looks at Anton over her shoulder. “Were you talking to somebody I know?”
He appreciates the simplicity of the question. She always gives him an out when something about his personal life comes up. She has her eyes back on the dish, too. It feels less like an interrogation this way. It’s not supposed to be one.
“Uh—” He still has a hard time responding with confidence. “No. I met him in Korea.”
“Oh,” she says, turning the water off and wiping her soapy hands. “That was the boy your father met? Sohee?”
Hearing her say his name is dizzying. He forgot about the inevitable debrief his parents would’ve had after his birthday. He pinches the fabric on his thighs and looks down at the floor to make his smile less obvious. “Sohee, yeah.”
She’s smiling when he lifts his gaze. “That’s nice. I heard you had a good time on your birthday. The pictures came out great.”
Anton hides his face with his hand and nods. “I was really happy. He, um…” He doesn’t know how to begin explaining what it meant to him. “Sorry. It was good. I’m glad they were with me.”
Her expression is serene and knowing. “I am too. You haven’t smiled like that in years. I’m gonna ask you something. You don’t have to answer, but I hope you do.”
The other guys he’s been with were people his mom already knew, ones he played sports and went to school with. She watched them grow up, so she never needed to fish for information. She has to learn about Sohee from the ground up.
She sits back down at the table and grabs his hand. “Does he love you?”
His heart skips a beat. This isn’t vague or passive. She’s asking him to say what they’ve avoided all these years. Sohee is the best reason to confront it. “Yes.”
She closes her eyes, nods, then smiles. It’s so contagious. “That’s what your dad said. He likes him.”
Sohee would fall over if he heard this conversation. Anton can’t wait for him to meet his mom and Junyoung. He wants Sohee surrounded by the interest they have in him. Anton will get him here.
“Thanks. For asking and for breakfast.” He gets up to give her a side hug and disappears into his room for the rest of the day. So much to think about. His dad telling his mom Sohee loves him, for one.
It’s the third week of his time here. He and Sohee have a good system, talking everyday in some capacity has been manageable. They’ve been really consistent.
Anton misses everything about Sohee, that much is undeniable. Missing Sohee, romantically, is hard. It’s the hardest part. He won’t get used to it no matter how much they talk.
Quiet as it’s kept, he’s ridiculously horny. If he thought those two weeks without sex before he left were bad, his current situation feels like torture. He could still touch and lay with Sohee when they weren’t having sex back then. The most irrational part of his brain nearly compares it to withdrawal.
Prior to Sohee, he wouldn’t have called himself an exceptionally sex-forward person. He could go months without sleeping with someone and be fine. Touch deprived, but fine. If he wanted to have sex, one outing to a gay bar in Korea would resolve it. Jerking off was sufficient, as well. The process of finding someone was only worth it when nothing else was enough.
Now, he feels borderline insane. He’s exhausted all of his resources. His last few attempts have been more creative, in the shower with the knob turned to make the water excruciatingly hot. He powered through scalding, all because he was trying to simulate the warmth Sohee engulfed him in.
He’s rubbed his dick against every reasonable thing to no avail. The other day, he was so desperate that he fingered himself for thirty minutes straight. Sohee never needed that long to cum from his fingers. He did successfully get off most times, but it was never satisfying. All it did was make a mess, physically and emotionally.
The only option he had left was mentioning it to Sohee. He can't bring himself to ask him on camera. If he sends a message and Sohee doesn’t want to talk about it, the rejection won’t be as humiliating.
antoni:
i really miss you. not in the way we’ve been talking about. i can’t wait to come back
Anton sends it when he knows Sohee will be home to see it immediately. He went as far to set an alarm. That’s another thing that makes him miss Sohee. He never had to set alarms when they were together. Sohee took care of it. Even when they weren’t physically in each other’s presence, he would call Anton’s phone and coax him out of bed.
Anton is two page refreshes away from sending another message. He lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding when something finally pops up.
Sohee:
Don’t tell me that
I can’t get off. Even when I’m in your bed I can’t. Nothing works. Nothing is big enough. Not my fingers not my hand not any dildo I buy.
I can’t get off if you aren’t touching or fucking me. I'm gonna use you when you get back. I’ll be ready so we don’t have to wait.
Don’t leave me like this again. You have to take me with you.
Sohee might be in worse shape than him. While he’s been having underwhelming orgasms, Sohee hasn’t been having them at all.
Anton hates that they aren’t together. He hates the distance and he hates that he’s away for an important family event. Realistically, he knew from the start that he would have to come back around this time. He had a responsibility proceeded falling in love.
The emotional turmoil is where his sexual frustration is coming from. Physical touch would eliminate most of his distress in an instant. It’s just impossible to rectify when they’re a world apart.
Anton is relieved Sohee is struggling, even though he shouldn’t be. He doesn’t want Sohee to feel like that. It’s miserable. At the same time, that lewd message made all the blood rush to his dick. Sohee can’t make himself cum because his body is so used to Anton. He’s spent money trying to recreate the way he feels when Anton is splitting him open.
The mental image of Sohee trying to make his tiny fingers reach as far as Anton’s can is insane. It seems like jerking off didn’t work either. Anton thinks that would fall under the hand-size umbrella. Sohee’s fingers can close around his dick, but Anton’s could cover it entirely. The tip of his index finger can reach the second knuckle on his thumb when he closes his fingers around Sohee’s dick.
He covers his mouth. He’s not good at keeping quiet and doesn’t want to risk it. It's gonna be quick anyway.
He sticks his hand down his pants completely dry. Whatever precum there is will be enough. Sohee has done most of the work by triggering his imagination.
A big emotional reunion was primarily what Anton thought about up until this point. He wasn’t considering the possibility of sex being the first thing they did when he got back. When he did think about it, he zeroed in on what it felt like before. Lingering on how far off it felt was too hard to reckon with, so he didn’t. Maybe that was compartmentalizing.
He squeezes his hand as tight as he can around his cock to simulate being inside Sohee. It’s not remotely comparable to the real thing, but it’s as close as he can get right now.
He has to loosen his grip so his hand can actually move up and down. Both of his hands are a mess from his panting mouth and drooling cock. After a handful of pumps, his mind wanders to another part of the message.
‘I'm gonna use you when you get back. I’ll be ready so we don’t have to wait.’
When the time comes, Anton will spend the entire 14 hour flight thinking about Sohee getting ready. Will he only finger himself? Or use one of those dildos too? Anton doesn’t want him to use one. Sohee shouldn’t waste time on a silicone cock he could wait a little longer for a real one. It would be a tighter fit that way.
The visual in his head is too much. He takes his hand off his mouth so he can grip the edge of the desk and thrust into his fist. It doesn’t stabilize him much. His hand is covered in drool and slides when he puts too much pressure on it. His frustration is through the roof. He’s so close to finally getting off how he needs to.
All of the air in his lungs goes out with a huge sigh. He leans back in his chair so the angle is better. It’s more comfortable with something stable behind him.
Squeezing his lips to keep quiet was getting harder by the second. A singular whimper breaking free forces him to stick three fingers in his mouth. It’s too much, really. He did three because that’s how many Sohee uses on Anton for him to feel the stretch, both in his mouth and hole. Three of his own fingers is a lot. He can only keep them in past the second knuckle. The thought that Sohee can fit four down his throat makes Anton’s back arch off the chair.
Sohee said he’s going to use him. Just like he did when he had Sohee folded in half hours before his flight took off. He can only guess what Sohee has in mind. No matter what, it will look something like this. Anton drooling, squirming, and on his back.
Anton presses down on his tongue to distract himself from crying out. His ass and lower back are completely lifted off the chair, chasing the rhythm of his hand. He chokes and gargles on his fingers through the wave of relief that washes over him. He should’ve known he needed Sohee for this.
Most of the cum got on his stomach. His cock always sticks out from his waistband when he’s fully hard, so little of the mess stays in his underwear.
There is absolutely nothing on his mind except catching his breath. He’s grossed by the cum dripping in his belly button, but he really doesn’t care to do anything about it.
He was two seconds from passing out when he heard ringing coming from his laptop. His whole body shot up like he was never dozing off.
On the fifth ring, Anton answers. He tilted his screen up so Sohee wouldn’t be able to see anything below the top of his shoulders.
Sohee’s face greets him as it would any other time. Anton feels a little guilty for the state he’s in. There was no version of this call in which Sohee would be oblivious to what he did. Anton still wasn’t keen on leaving the scene in frame. “Can you wait a second?”
It’s not a question. More so letting Sohee know that he wouldn’t be paying attention. Sohee can see him looking down at the floor around him. The one time Anton needs dirty laundry on the floor, there isn’t any. He can’t use some part of his shorts to wipe the cum off because his dick is still sensitive. He doesn’t want to accidentally touch it and moan.
Sohee is starting to get impatient. “What are you looking for?”
Anton has no choice but to give up. He’s gonna have to survive the duration of this call with dried cum on his stomach. Anton wants to pull that nonchalant act Sohee does. He makes eye contact with Sohee and shrugs. “A shirt. I don’t know where I put it.”
Sohee does not look convinced. “Right. Where did you go?” He shuffles around in the bed and puts his hood up over his head. “I was waiting to hear from you.”
Anton feels like he’s being shoved into a corner. Sohee has a way about getting in his face and head without saying much. He can’t run away and Sohee knows he doesn’t want to.
“I didn’t go anywhere. I was here.” He crosses his arms over his shoulders to cover his chest. It’s embarrassing to be shirtless on camera. They have pictures of each other topless and sweaty, so it’s not unusual. His shyness stems from what he just did.
Sohee presses further, “Oooookay. What were you doing?”
Anton looks off to the side and mumbles, “You know what I was doing.”
“I’m asking you about it, though. You’re the one who wants attention. I told you nothing makes me feel like you do and you won’t tell me how you just got off?” Sohee is great at manipulation. Just like that, Anton has no bite left.
He doesn’t look back at the camera. He loves when Sohee mocks him and can’t afford to get hard again. “I’m sorry you haven’t been able to. I—”
He gets cut off there. “I can’t hear you. You have to face this camera.
He works himself up to it by chewing on his lip for a second. “I said, I’m sorry you haven’t been able to. To—” He lowers his voice even more, “…You know. I’m sorry. I wish I was there.”
Sohee’s mouth is quirked up at Anton’s whispering. They’re grown adults being forced into acting like teenagers. Anton will think it’s funny once he’s back in Korea. He doesn’t feel the humor in it now, being stuck and perpetually horny.
“You still haven’t told me. I’m not gonna forget just because you’re being sweet. You can type it in the chat,” Sohee yawns, eyes blinking slowly.
Anton’s fingers hove over the keyboard. He didn’t do anything crazy. In all actuality, it was the most average method ever.
antonie:
i used my hand
i was sitting right here
Sohee’s eyes shot away from the chat and to Anton’s face. “ Not in the bed?”
Anton shook his head. “I couldn’t wait and it was easier to reread the message.”
antonie:
didn’t take my dick out because i was so desperate
i wsnted to find a shirt to wipe the cum off my stomach
Typo. He always does that. So annoying at a time like this.
it’s mostly dry now
the wet spot in my underwear isn’t
you called so i couldn’t do anything about it
Sohee smacks his hand over his eyes. “I’ve gotta go. Take a picture of how you look. Don’t change anything. Leave your underwear on. I love the way your cock fills them out.”
Anton has no chance to reply or react on camera. The end of the call is abrupt. He must want to try touching himself again. It’s for the best, Anton’s he wouldn’t be able to watch Sohee do it without going for a second round.
Sohee slipped ‘I love you’ in at the end so Anton couldn’t hang up on him. The cat-and-mouse thing is never ending. Who can say what first, who can do what first, who can rile the other up more. Anton is happy to ‘lose’ most of the time. Both outcomes lead to him getting exactly what he wants: A reaction. Sohee used to say Anton was easy and too quick to fall into traps. He’s written that off as compensation for how simply he gets Sohee in the same positions.
Two weeks later, Anton runs into one of his friends. He hadn’t told this particular friend he was here because they slept together before he left. Anton didn’t feel great about hanging out with someone he hooked up with in the past year. It’s not like there was an expectation, he just didn’t want to have to reject him. It only makes sense that they’d run into each other in the area they grew up in. It was a matter of time.
Anton was reading the blurb on the back of a book in his favorite bookstore when his friend came up to him.
“Anton? Hey!”
He recognizes the voice immediately. Hajoon is a nice guy. Anton doesn’t want to come off as uncomfortable or disinterested. He slides the book back on the shelf and shows his friendliest smile. “Hey.”
“How have you been? When did you get back?” He seems genuine and enthusiastic. He should be, considering the fact that they’ve been friends for years now. The pleasantries aren’t a precursor to the sex question Anton knows will come.
He plays with the strap on his bag and tries to look less awkward. “I’m good. I got back last month. I won’t be here long, only a few more weeks before I leave for Korea again.”
Hajoon doesn’t lose his smile, but his eyes soften a bit. “That’s a shame. Give me a call before you do, we could find time to get together.”
That’s his socially appropriate way of asking to fuck. Last time, they hung out at a house party hosted by mutual friends and walked to Hajoon’s apartment down the street. If Anton said yes, it would be like that again. Hajoon would invite him somewhere with a group of friends and then they would go have average sex in a place Anton wouldn’t bother remembering. Their friendship came from proximity. Hanging out with the others first was a way to avoid truly getting to know each other.
Anton’s hand tightens around his bag strap. He throws an apologetic look Hajoon’s way, saying, “I can’t, sorry.”
Hajoon isn’t smiling anymore. He doesn’t look mad. Reading the room, maybe. “Can’t like you don’t have time or can’t like you’re seeing someone?”
That takes Anton by surprise. He was hoping for the conversation to end right after he said no. “Does it matter?”
Hajoon cringes at himself and backpedals. “That came out wrong. It would’ve been okay if you just didn’t feel like it. I asked because I’m curious, I’ve never heard of you not getting with someone while you’re— Wait. That still sounds wrong.”
Anton looks at Hajoon like he’s crazy. He knows what he’s getting at, but the delivery is terrible.
“It doesn’t matter, you’re right.” Hajoon pauses to scratch his neck. He’s making a valiant effort to salvage this interaction. “We worry about you, you know? Me and the rest of our friends. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“I am. Seeing someone. I’m dating someone.” His exhale at the end is shaky. He doesn’t have to tell Hajoon Sohee is in Korea. It’s implied by the fact that he’s leaving again so soon.
Telling someone who is an integral part of his past freaks him out. Extending his relationship into the place that made him sends a wave containing a million different emotions over him. It doesn’t help that he wishes Sohee was here. If he was, Anton would rid himself of the anxiety. Bringing Sohee into the fold would take precedence over the noise in his head. Bringing him here wouldn’t exactly mean telling the whole world, Sohee is still very much closeted. He would keep it vague even if Sohee was out. What he wants is to exist together, amongst his friends and other hometown faces.
Sohee should be here. He should be in this bookstore, in his home. He should be here to feel the transitions between hard wood and carpet under his feet. They should be driving past Anton’s elementary school. All the things they can’t do with Sohee’s childhood and hometown.
Anton’s mind is far away from where he and Hajoon left off. He can’t talk to anyone without relating it back to his life with Sohee. Sohee is the topic of their conversation, so he got more caught up than usual. The opportunity to speak about him with courage stirred up things he’s been so good at choking down.
The look on Hajoon’s face says he can tell he’s missing something. “I hope you’re happy. It sounds like you are. Leaving all of us hanging for months,” he jokes, making a full recovery from his previous blunder.
Only his parents have seen the impact Sohee has had on him. Another person coming to that conclusion confirms everything he’s known to be true. He is so, so in love.
“I am. We both are, I think. He’s good to me. And I did miss you guys.” The corners of his mouth twitch from his attempt at holding his laughter. “Not as much as I miss him, though.”
Hajoon’s amusement flows through his words, “Oh my god. We totally lost you.” He gently nudges Anton’s shoulder, trying to get a look at his face. “…You’ve always been romantic. I’m glad you found someone to share it with. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
Anton agrees with a nod and stays in his spot smiling like an idiot. For a random confrontation, the conversation went well. He‘s been avoiding parties because he didn’t want to announce his relationship in a crowd of people. He had way more control over the narrative in the way it happened.
Thinking about it now, Anton is having a revelation. He had a lot of crushes growing up. Getting attached to people and wanting to spend every moment with them was a constant cycle. When he got out of high school and started sleeping around, he learned how to take it how it was. He learned how to wait and only seek someone out for sex when he was irreconcilably desperate. At the time, he thought he knew everything about the nature of causal sex.
Saving himself from heartbreak was the only way to survive. With all the restraint his body could hold, he kept his heart to himself. He did everything in life with affection, dishing it out right before and after sex was his saving grace.
The brief salvation he found in those encounters wasn’t enough to meaningfully attack his profound loneliness. Skin to skin contact only did so much for a person who was always swallowing their need for romanticism.
Sohee making a sexual advance didn’t feel much different. Anton was very used to being pursued that way. He isn’t unaware of what he looks like, he’s heard it from men a million times over.
Anton misjudged him entirely. The way Sohee expressed himself that time in the bathroom gave a very different impression. He was thinking they’d sleep together a few times and go their separate ways. He can’t believe how much his life has changed since then.
The graduation ceremony comes and goes. Anton's mind has felt outside of his body since he woke up. It’s such a happy day, celebrating his brother as a complete family made it so. Since Anton didn’t graduate, everyone was anxious for the experience. They all cried like babies watching his brother walk across the stage and get his diploma.
As they expected, the kid rebuffed their theatrics and took off to be with his friends after they caught their dinner reservation. Teenagers.
His absence gave them all the more reason to flip through memory books his mom diligently put together over the years. There’s more than one for each child, spanning from birth to the present. Anton is thankful for it as an adult. He used to hate it and begged her to spare him of the cameras for years. He can’t guess how many pictures she had to delete because he covered the lens with his hand or tossed a blanket over his head.
He’s considering asking to take his back to Korea. Sohee could learn a lot about him, more than he’d ever be able to remember on his own. He’d like to hand it over and tell the stories he does recall.
Sohee starting a similar book for their relationship is poetic in itself. Anton is so incredibly loved. Sohee mirroring the device his mother used to nonverbally show how loved he is makes him want to sink into the floor. Sohee isn’t aware of the books his mother keeps, he made one purely of his own volition. It was a natural idea that came from his heart, not a calculated recreation.
Next time he comes here, he’ll bring the book Sohee gave him. He meant to bring it this time. He would have, had Sohee not asked to hold onto it. As a compromise, Sohee printed out a stack of pictures and sent them with Anton. If he did bring the book to show his mother, she would be thrilled to get copies of some of what he brings.
The last week is tough. He's come to terms with the time they had left apart. Sohee has worked a lot more this week so he can stay home with Anton. Two things about that make his heart hurt. On the negative side, they can’t talk as much. On the positive side, Sohee is absent so he can be with him 24/7 for a week. Anton tries to focus on the latter.
An hour ago, he showed Sohee family portraits over video call. The night of his brother’s graduation, it dawned on him that Sohee didn’t know what his mother and Junyoung looked like.
He held up pictures from every other year since his birth. Sohee didn’t say much. Anton could tell it was making him emotional. He figured it had to be an amalgamation of affection and sadness, due to his relationship with his mostly estranged family. Sohee’s sisters reached out semi-regularly and that’s it. They don’t have any animosity for him or his sexuality. He moved away and things got difficult. Anton choosing to be separated from his only sibling probably hit a sore spot.
Sohee had to work, so they didn’t have hours to talk. Anton called to show him the pictures as fast as he could and send him off.
One thing Sohee said made him absolutely lose it. It was a simple compliment, blowing it up into something that needed to be resolved made him uncomfortable. So, he swallowed his oscillating emotions down until he hung up.
Sohee told him he looks like his mother. Pretty like her, delicate features like her. Anton didn’t fully understand why that caused endless tears, everyone who has seen her expressed the same opinion. It could’ve been related to his relationship with his appearance over the years. As a teenager, he went back and forth between confidence and neutrality. Neutrality prevailed into adulthood, presumably due to being sexualized. Pretty was something he heard before. Delicate was new. Delicate transcended his and his mother’s face alone. Their voices were delicate, as were their overall demeanors. The word made Anton realize he would miss her when he leaves. He’d been so caught up in missing Sohee that he wasn’t thinking of how much he needed his mother.
That’s why, after washing his face, he cries to her about it. He walks into her room in the middle of the night and, shamefully, goes to wake her up.
He stands near her side of the bed and whispers ‘mom, mom, mom’ until her eyes snap open.
She jolts up and reaches for her glasses on the nightstand. “What’s going on?”
Anton can’t speak. His eyes are welling up with tears and his lip is quivering like crazy.
Panic washes over her face. “What happened? Are you okay? And Junyoung?”
He shakes his head, clearing up absolutely nothing. He captures her by the wrist when she moves to stand up. “I’m fine. He’s fine. I just want to sleep in here with you. I don’t feel well.”
She knows better than to believe him. If all he wanted was to sleep in here, he wouldn’t have woken her up. He would have laid down next to her without a word. She scoots over to make room for him. “Chanyoung, what’s wrong? Sit down.”
He sinks down and puts his head on her shoulder. He doesn’t know what to say. She’s petting his hair just like Sohee does. His breaths stutter alongside every tear that drops onto his hoodie. “I miss him. I don’t want to leave you guys here, but—” His voice is unintelligible through his blubbering. He takes two big breaths and tries to slow down. “I miss him. I think about him so much.”
She coos at him like he’s still her little baby, “Oh, honey. You only have a few days left. He wouldn’t want you to be this upset.”
Anton pulls his sleeves over his fingers and wipes the snot away. “I can’t help it.”
Her humming fills the air. “I wish I could tell you it gets easier with time. I miss your dad every day. I cry about it sometimes too. What I can say is, it does get better. If you decide to keep going back and forth, the two of you will find better ways to cope with the distance.”
He’s sniffling more than crying at this point. Tears are still dropping, albeit less frequently. He’s scared to speak and start bawling.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to. She understands him better than he understands himself. “I want you to remember you feel this way for a reason. I can’t speak for your relationship, but I know your heart. What’s hard right now is only a small part of what you have with him.”
Anton’s breath gets caught up when he sniffles. He has to take his time before replying. “I don’t know how you deal with it. You’re stronger than me.”
“Ah, don’t say that. It took your dad and I years. You two are young. Don’t worry so much. You have plenty of time to figure it out.” She plants a kiss on the side of his head. “Go to sleep. I won’t wake you up early.”
With that, she lays back down and starts trying to sleep again. He lays down, but doesn’t close his eyes. He’s happy and convinced him to come back. The distance has given him perspective. He understands that his life here matters, but he can still forge a meaningful one in Korea. He doesn’t have to cut himself in half and lose sight of his needs in the process.
When his mom dropped him off at the airport, Anton asked her to come to Korea with Junyoung before he left for college. Her promise to honor that, coupled with desperation to see Sohee again, got him on the plane in record time.
Miraculously, the flight didn’t drag. Getting off the plane felt the longest. His seat on the plane was at the back, so basically everyone else on it made it off before him. Every time he took a step forward, caught behind a stranger that he resented for their lack of urgency, he looked around their body to remember he was getting closer to the door.
Running towards Sohee in the middle of the airport wouldn’t be a good look. Sohee would certainly find it endearing, but Anton wanted to keep a low profile. He spotted him waiting by baggage claim, waving inward to encourage Anton to hurry.
Sohee threw his arms around Anton so hard he dropped his bag. His ferocious desire to kiss and spin Sohee around surged through his body. Soon. Soon, he could do that.
Only when the conveyor belt started moving do they separate. In a perfect world, they’d be holding hands or side hugging while waiting for Anton’s bag to come around. The impossibility of those options isn’t lost on either of them. It would hurt more if Anton didn’t know the promise of uninterrupted intimacy was only about an hour away. He and Sohee could get in each other’s skin if he wills himself to be patient.
They’re quiet for all of 30 seconds after turning away to watch the passing bags.
Sohee’s smile when he looks over to Anton is softer, not quite as huge or showing all of his teeth. “Was the flight okay? I got here hours ago. The waiting was driving me crazy. I love your bed, but I could only roll around it for so long when I knew you were on your way back.”
Anton keeps his hands in his hoodie pocket to fight his urge to touch Sohee. “I slept on and off for most of it. There was a little kid with his mom next to me. He told me about second grade and we played rock, paper, scissors six times. It was nice. Now that my brother is older, he only wants to play video games with me. And that’s because he always wins. Sounds like somebody else I know.”
That makes Sohee laugh. “Don’t act like you haven’t done the same. You wrestle with me all the time because I let you win when I’m feeling nice.” Sohee raises an eyebrow after a few seconds, asking, “Did you let the kid win?”
He tries not to look cocky. “Mostly. I beat him a couple times. And you don’t let me win nearly as much as I let you win. You push me around, like, once a day.”
Sohee squints at him, then smiles again. “How humble of you. You say that like you’re doing the three of us a favor, but you love to boost people’s ego.”
Anton only responds with a half eye roll. They might’ve missed his bag by now. Anton is more interested in hearing Sohee’s voice, not filtered through a speaker.
Sohee notices his bag first. He has more of a smirk on his face when he points to it and turns to walk towards the closest bathroom.
There’s no ambiguity in his intentions. Anton makes his way over to his bag, lifts it as casually as he can, and traces Sohee’s steps.
Luckily, it’s empty. He walks farther in until he can see Sohee’s feet under the stall closest to the wall. The door is slightly cracked and ready to receive him.
Anton pushes it a little bit and sticks his head in. They waste time smiling like young sweethearts. That’s kinda what they are, depending on what ‘young’ means to someone.
A sigh of relief passes Anton’s lips with the click of the door lock. Sohee doesn’t have to push him against the door. It’s his second nature to leave against it. Sohee closes in on his body and turns Anton’s face side to side, the same way he did the first time they were locked in a bathroom together.
He takes him time planting soft kisses everywhere. Anton’s cheeks get hotter with each one, especially the one that presses against the tip of his nose. The last is on his forehead. Anton gets a lot of pleasure out of Sohee gripping his shoulders and standing on his tippy toes to reach it.
Anton’s hands rest on the sides of Sohee’s neck, thumbing the prickly hairs on the back. “Did you cut your hair?”
It’s a bit random to bring that up in the middle of their heart to heart. What can he say? He can’t help but notice every aspect of Sohee’s appearance in the flesh. He’s sensitive to even the smallest changes after his time away.
“Not much. I just got it cut yesterday. Do you like it?” Sohee is basically batting his eyelashes. It’s cute that he’s really anticipating Anton’s answer. He seems to be chasing a compliment.
Anton makes him wait for a response with a smirk on his face. He raises a hand and shows Sohee an ‘ok’ gesture. “Love it. Love you. I’ll love it more when you take me home.”
Sohee drops his head on Anton’s chest and squeezes the muscle under his fingers. Anton is overcome with pride. Sohee is the most level person he knows. Being able to reduce him to a ball of embarrassment is something he considers a feat.
“I love you so much,” Sohee declared, a little muffled from his mouth facing the floor. His hands find Anton’s hips alongside a swift lifting of his head. “You belong with me. No matter where we go.”
It isn’t said with any offense or slight towards Anton’s family. Anton knows Sohee means he wants to go everywhere together. Sohee wants to make memories in America with him going forward, or any other place Anton may want to go.
Anton nods, smiling bright. He matches the kiss Sohee planted on his forehead. He almost mentioned the smell on his shampoo coming from Sohee’s head. Maybe later. It’s far down on his list of his priorities at the moment. “Come on. I’m really tired. I don’t want to fall asleep before we can f—”
Sohee’s eyes bulge out. He covers Anton’s mouth and whispers, “Oh my god. Don’t say that here.”
It’s funny enough that Anton isn’t phased by the half-seriousness. “Sorry,” he says, shrugging how Sohee taught him. His Sohee impression is getting good.
Anton isn’t really sorry, but he holds Sohee’s elbows to make sure he doesn’t fall into a panic. “I’m not gonna ask again.”
Sohee takes it upon himself to pull Anton’s suitcase and carry-on bag while they get on their way to the bus stop. Taking care of Anton’s things was both a gentlemanly gesture and self-serving. The handles might still be warm from the heat of his hands. Holding onto them was the closest he could get to touching Anton on their way back home.
Anton is so happy. He has some lingering guilt about wanting to come back so badly, it can’t be helped. They’ll meet him soon. Anton won’t have to choose once that happens. The four of them can give Sohee the family he deserves. Even more, that’s all the five of them ever wanted. To be comfortable and happy, together.