Chapter Text
If Seungmin were to describe his way of going through life, it would be constantly on the edge between falling out of course, but managing not to by sheer luck and good memory, and holding himself together by the small fighting spirit within him named spite. It wasn’t that he wanted to continuously fight for his existence - every single day he found himself zoning out as he faced a stranger, thinking how living and functioning like a normal human being must be so nice, easy whenever it came to things like purpose and meaning, devoid of worries of those.
It was discouraging, at first, to not know and feel like he lived in the dark, missing out on things everyone else was experiencing on the daily. Everyone seemed to have things figured out in some shape or form and even if not, they managed to find it along the road called life.
But here he was with nothing.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to change that - if he managed to get into university it meant he was doing something right, after all - but it didn’t bring him the sense of accomplishment students felt when receiving their acceptance letters. It simply made him think ‘oh, another thing’.
Another thing to let pass through him like wind and possibly knock him down like everything.
But he would let life punch him however much it wanted and it wasn’t like he was going to do anything about it, which was where most of his problems rooted - his lack of care for himself and anything that was even remotely related to him, to any goals he should have but didn’t.
In his early teens it used to anger him, how come everyone knew what they wanted to work but him; around his graduation he became severely depressed and anxious and his anxiety grew immensely; currently - three years into majoring something which would eventually have to be related to his inevitable future job - Seungmin felt an abnormal amount of calmness - even carelessness - for someone as stressed as him.
Correction, someone supposedly stressed.
He was a university student who barely made two ends meet and relied on his roommate and old scholarships and he wouldn’t even bother looking for a job.. just because it was easier that way, because he could survive - and actively survived - off ramen and the cheapest coffee grains he managed to stumble upon. Yet - even with all that and more - it was not stress but anxiety that wouldn’t leave him alone.
Anxiety over getting a bad grade on a project he began working on mere hours before the deadline, social anxiety over looking at someone the wrong way and sending the wrong impression, even if leaving his house was once a week (and rarer) occurrence, anxiety and genuine fear in his worst moments over the unknown and unwritten future he wasn’t even trying to change. He wasn’t interfering; it was easier.
Somehow those things became an afterthought - a shadow best seen on a night lamp right before falling asleep - when two things changed in his life (both unwillingly, but for different reasons); Jeongin, his best friend, and him meeting and the day he found a group called 3Racha.
Jeongin came into his life quite forcefully (which then Seungmin realized was his way of doing everything and anything in life) since Seungmin had caught his interest. The two were middle schoolers when they started to talk (well, more like Jeongin talking his ear off); it was a slow, unnecessarily hard process to get to form the true, inseparable bond that bloomed because of Seungmin’s lack of resistance at one point and Jeongin’s albeit successful tactics of making friendships; he was one of the most social people Seungmin knew for a reason.
And so here they were more than ten years later, sharing a university dorm. Since their friendship formed, they had never truly separated; they had lived in the same neighbourhood, went to the same school(s), applied for the same university and both got accepted (Seungmin vividly remembered refusing to believe luck was once more on his side to allow him to have Jeongin in his life in university, as well).
Because Jeongin gave him the closest to a purpose he had never known - their friendship.
But even then, there were things he had never shown the latter.. and never will.
Seungmin had struggled to find value within himself as a human being since way too long ago and often thought about how the world will continue to spin and the people will continue to live their meaningful lives without him locked in his dorm on a daily basis (unless he had lectures). It was something a therapist would call depression but he knew it wasn’t just that - it was something hollower, something.. ancient.
Something that hadn’t allowed him to truly feel for most of his life.
Of course, Jeongin’s abrupt arrival into the full picture changed that, even if only a bit - he would never be able to deny the positive impact his best friend had had on him ever since. Jeongin was someone who took inspiration from everything and everyone, found beauty in the littlest things, considered the tiniest accomplishments something to be proud of. He didn’t perceive living as bothersome but a blessing.
It could be called inspiring - it was inspiring - only that his approach did nothing to change Seungmin.
Jeongin also taught him a lot about ‘normal’ human behavior and way of thinking without him realizing; while Jeongin knew Seungmin was introverted and his way of seeing things was slightly crooked (Very lightly said, Seungmin thought), he wasn’t fully aware of the true depths of his fucked-up mind. The chances he lost the one thing he could call meaningful in his life were guaranteed high if he did.
Was it insanity? At first he didn’t think so..
Until something else stumbled on the front door of his mundane life - finding 3Racha.
Seungmin loved music - it was no surprise another band found its way into his Spotify playlists - though when it came to it music was just music to him, he was never interested in those famous people’s lives; he would only get jealous at how effortlessly normal they were for the cameras. Though, for some reason, 3Racha caught his attention not with their music, but through a clip. ‘Changbin from 3Racha, the fastest rapper in South Korea?’ was the caption above and with something, someone, as intriguing as that man must be, Seungmin was hooked.
He wasn’t going to say how many times he watched the compilation of Changbin’s parts from each 3Racha's song.. but by the time Jeongin came back from his last class by evening, his phone was dying and he could confidently say he knew almost the entirety of Changbin’s raps.
That was during their first year of university. Now, only two years later, Seungmin had not only become an actual stan of the group, but something more. He saw the group as something he could catch onto whenever living seemed more not worth it and pointless than usual. And that in itself wasn’t weird - music healed, music gave people purpose (Seungmin had searched for his own in-between guitar lessons).
No, but delusion that turned into true beliefs was..
Concerning, the therapist he saw for one month back in high school would say.
He couldn’t care less because, if nothing, finding something to fill his time with brought him even closer with Jeongin. Since his interest (mania) had grown too big to keep to himself, he decided to share it with his best friend, which led to them exchanging facts about their interests.
From Jeongin’s end it was mostly things he’d known; Jeongin was the talker and Seungmin, the listener for years on end, after all. He knew of Jeongin’s fascination and interest in the fashion industry - the reason he majored in fashion design. He was aware of the three famous models partaking more often than not in Jeongin’s projects as the source of his inspiration. He was obsessing.. in a normal way.
About Seungmin.. he just said he liked the music and the guys’ strangely goofy personalities.
“You liking rap? Love really does change people.” Jeongin had mused in a lighthearted tone.
Oh, if he knew just how right he was.
Because there wasn’t a night where he didn’t think of Changbin, of the most recent outfit he had shown on a random interview, of his flirtatious smirk and dark eyes which hid so many secrets, Seungmin just knew, of his passionate tone whenever he talked about his music.. of the way he mindlessly smoothed out his thigh with a rough hand, wishing it was Seungmin’s own, of him jokingly wrapping that same hand around Jisung’s throat to move him for a skit, putting the inappropriate thoughts that popped up in Seungmin’s mind to good use later on.
Of looking up at those dark eyes through heavy lashes, of said hand grabbing tighter..
No wonder he woke up almost daily to sheets for change.
Luckily Jeongin wasn’t the type to barge into his room unannounced or for no reason.
Ah, fantasies, fantasies.. which were never going to come true.
Not because the scenario was unrealistic - he was truly convinced that at the right time and with the right setting, a proper conversation and right topics, he would be able to create a connection. He wasn’t just some stan - he saw meaning in Changbin, someone special, a human being.
No, the problem was his lack of care for anything ever and his desire to even so meet the rapper clashing, an internal battle that left him doing nothing while wanting to do so much. But there was also his anxiety that made his heart jump out of his ribcage every time he talked to a stranger.. Though, Seungmin thought, Changbin was no stranger - 3Racha were very open people and so Seungmin learned a lot about their personalities through their vlogs and sincere answers from interviews. From there he could put two and two together through logic at times.
He was convinced he knew the rapper better than most people.
It wasn’t something he knew but instead felt deep in his bones.
But he wasn’t a stalker, no.. He just had multiple update accounts’ notifications on so he wouldn’t miss their (Changbin’s) next move. He definitely was not jealous every time pre, during and post-concert clips flooded his media, every time someone shared their experience of meeting Changbin, talking about his intimidating aura but sweet words and lively laughter, or when an insanely lucky fan got to be flirted with after they had tried out some cheesy pickup line. To Seungmin, the only plus he saw was that Changbin was openly flirting with men.
It made his fantasies look less insane.
Even if by a bit.
As time passed by, though, his daydreams of the rapper weren’t only for the dark parts of the day; showing up suddenly and unannounced, they flooded his thought process and made him forget everything and anything. In the middle of a lecture, while talking with Jeongin over the phone, shopping for one week ahead (and always missing a few things because of it) - always there, constantly waiting for the right time where he was either bored or very focused. The things resurfacing.. the words he heard without anyone saying them.. were only for him.
Only for him to know and file for later, to fuel with things Changbin had actually said.
The most sane thing about this entire thing was the distance - Changbin didn’t know Seungmin existed. Seungmin was still having an inner battle on whether to change that or not, but for a long while it seemed he would stay in that one-sided parasocial, obsessive relationship.
Only for a while.
…
He was staring at the dotted ceiling with unfocused eyes when Jeongin announced his return to the dorm with an unnecessarily loud bash of the door, closing it just as loudly. It startled him from his unusually quiet head; it had been at least two hours since his last class for the day finished and he returned to the dorm without any energy, not even to daydream. His subconscious had pitied his overworked mind (he had a long, shitty, filled with communicating with people day), but with Jeongin’s arrival not only was it awakened, it finally got him moving as he sat up.
“Seung, have you heard the news– pause. Why do you look like a run over puppy?”
He groaned, running a hand down his face to help him wake up. “Just– group projects and stuff.”
“Ah.” Jeongin nodded knowingly as he made his way to the kitchen island, placing a new bag of groceries on top; they had a system - one got essentials, the other sorted them out, and switched up every week. It was one of the many reasons Seungmin liked Jeongin as a roommate - he was tidy, organized his stuff better than him at times, and stuck to the unwritten rules their household held. Nothing more, nothing less, which made coming back to his dorm after a long day (even though Jeongin always returned after him) something he looked forward to every time.
“Leave it, what were you saying?” He mustered the energy to come up to his friend’s side, taking various packaged foods from the bag and putting them either in the fridge or random shelf before moving on to things like bathroom essentials; his shampoo had run out, bless Jeongin.
Jeongin didn’t start talking immediately, which was unusual but not enough to bat an eye at, so Seungmin continued sorting, going in and out of the living room. He could feel Jeongin’s eyes following his every move, though. He was already wired-up and impatient so he gave in.
“What, Innie?” He murmured without looking up as he leaned on the counter, phone in hand.
“3Racha are visiting the city! They’re going to be here!" If one heard the enthusiasm in his voice, they’d think Jeongin was the 3Racha obsessed one of them and not Seungmin; Seungmin, who obviously knew about that - he just didn’t know how to react. At first he thought he read it too quickly, replacing the name of the actual city the trio would be residing in with the one of the forgotten shell of a place Seungmin’s hometown was. It was a big city - don’t get him wrong.. however the size of the population didn’t matter when nothing ever happened.
No concerts, barely any festivals - only celebrations around the calendar holidays.
A big but fairly quiet city.
As a kid Seungmin wished to move out to Seoul or somewhere else with more people, a busier lifestyle, brighter lights and louder atmosphere; somewhere he could experience more. He used to think his hometown was the reason for constantly feeling empty and unsatisfied..
Well, let’s just say it wasn’t only that.
“I know,” His words came out as a whisper; he wasn’t sure he could raise his voice.
Jeongin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Aren’t you excited? You can literally meet them, dude!” Seungmin stared blankly at the counter, his phone automatically turning off from lack of use. He wasn’t sure how long he stood like that but it was enough for Jeongin to have made his own conclusions to Seungmin’s strange behavior. “You’re anxious. There isn’t anything to be anxious about! I’ll accompany you if you want.” Jeongin’s words went in his ear and out the other yet a sense of familiarity, gratitude, washed over him when he registered them a moment later.
He wished he could explain that the reason for his stiffened reaction wasn’t because of his usual anxiety.. only, at least. He remembered some fans speculating which city they would have as a vacation home, having them doing it every comeback; going to a random side of the country to organize fan meetings and meet people who wouldn’t have thought in a million years that any celebrity would put foot there. There was a good portion suggesting his hometown, it ticked everything past post-comeback residing cities had, but he didn’t get his hopes up.
And look where he was, barely keeping his hands from shaking at the mere thought of seeing Changbin up close and personal (if he got lucky but fate gave him enough luck), to get to brush fingers as he handed the rapper an item to sign - something he would put in the middle of his workplace so he could look back and think ‘He knows I exist.’. If it was a good thing was an unnecessary question.
Of course the answer was no.
But there was no need to overthink something that hadn’t happened and had the chance of not happening in the first place. However, as the world closed in around him, as his thoughts raced hundred miles per hour, he felt an unfamiliar feeling - a fire, passion maybe? He had felt just a glimpse, insignificantly small and forgotten a while ago, of passion back when he had gone to prolonged guitar lessons. For a moment he thought he’d found his purpose, his thing.. it got diminished before he knew it; high school was a rough period for him to begin with.
So the warmth, the energy that coursed through his veins, was new, he didn’t know how to react.
He took a deep breath, mustering a smile. “Thank you.”
When he looked up, he was met with a conflicted but fond look from Jeongin. “Anytime, Seung.”
The rest of the evening was fairly quiet, a total opposite to the storm brewing inside his head.
…
When people would say time had passed in a blur for them, Seungmin’s equivalent was it passing right past him with light’s speed, which left him unaware of the situation and how he had gotten in there in the first place. At one moment he walked towards his next class with a headache, another sleepless night under his belt, barely tripping on the stairs but still making it on time (he had consistency, if nothing).
In the next, however, he found himself overwhelmed by the crowd of people screaming, talking amongst each other as each one of them (including Seungmin and Jeongin) waited for 3Racha to arrive. He knew how he had gotten there, obviously; after practically no convincing, the two roommates headed for the meeting spot (more like line) and - having Jeongin’s lack of interest regarding anyone else’s comfortability which wasn’t Seungmin’s - after settling, they found themselves at an arm’s reach from where the group would be passing by shortly.
The urge to apologize to the people behind him was quickly diminished by the excitement of the opportunity of being so close. He had never imagined meeting 3Racha (contradicting as it was, he wasn’t delusional in that regard) and, if it wasn’t for Jeongin, he would have stayed in the back, hoping to get a glimpse over the heads of hundreds of people. Or he would be simply at home, cowering away.
But no - he was in the front, with his best friend who was his biggest (only) support in his life.
For a moment, he thought he deserved it.
“Hey, you excited?” Jeongin asked with a smile as bright as the sun with dimples on display and pearly white teeth shining from the sunlight. The warm weather of spring allowed them to wear comfortable clothes, seen in the latter’s simple choice of a plain T-shirt and baggy jeans. Some people’s eyes caught onto that, sending judging glances their way since Jeongin didn’t have merchandise (which Seungmin found stupid as someone who actually had). He ignored the judgmental eyes and his bubbling annoyance, however, and focused on Jeongin.
He nodded with eyes in the direction from which the group should arrive. His lip was red and overbitten at that point, a wound, and his short nails weren’t getting longer as he picked on them constantly, to give his hands something to do. He could only imagine how he looked.
A nervous ball of energy.
Apart from all that, he wasn’t dressed half bad - he chose his second favorite T-shirt, a fan-made 3Racha merch he bought from someone in Jeongin’s class, dark blue jeans to make the outfit look semi-official and not like he was going to the grocery store, and a cap which was official 3Racha merch. He was also well aware that he looked like a high schooler but hey, what can you do. He thought it was funny how little he had changed since then, his features had just matured yet not enough to make him seem like an adult. Luckily he had Jeongin to remind him.
They really had grown up together and only one of them knew what he was doing.
He aspired to be as careless as his best friend in some regards while determined to no end in others.
Seungmin finally turned to meet Jeongin’s eye; his smile may not have matched the intensity of the latter’s but it was genuine. He felt genuinely happy. He was reminded just how much he cared for Jeongin and how much Jeongin cared for him. “Words cannot describe it. Thank you.”
Both of them knew the alternative where Jeongin didn’t step forward. At the end of the day - no matter how much Seungmin hid in the deepest parts of his subconscious - Jeongin knew him. He comforted Seungmin back in middle school when he had made a mess, running away in panic; Jeongin was the first one to hype him up and, of course, the first one to humble him when the atmosphere allowed it.
It felt.. surreal to be known so well, it was as comforting as it was terrifying.
But right at that moment, it felt like a blessing.
Jeongin put a hand on his shoulder. “Of course.” Then both turned away at the sound of shouting.
There they were in all their glory; 3Racha. They weren’t the most famous but the amount of people that gathered in a city where nothing usually happened shouldn’t be underestimated. There were 3Racha fans all over the country, over the world, even. It made sense - seeing them in real life confirmed it for Seungmin. They were far away to properly see but when they came closer, Seungmin’s jaw dropped.
He was obviously biased but that didn’t mean he didn’t notice Bang Chan and Han’s fits, a mix of casual and professional that didn’t take a single bit from their beauty. Bang Chan’s smile was an ear-to-ear one, dimples and pearly white teeth on display; he reminded him of Jeongin, still had obvious differences though. And then there was Han whose arms were outstretched towards the crowd, high fives and fist bumps one after the other. Seungmin was pretty sure he could die; brightness as strong as the sun's from Bang Chan’s smile and a high five from Han?
All of that awaited him.
But then Changbin came into view and it was like nothing else existed; he stared in vignette.
He wore a loose T-shirt and baggy jeans, similar to Jeongin, with the sheer difference of muscle popping out. His best friend was built - he had tried to convince Seungmin to go to the gym on multiple occasions, as well - but it was different. If there was someone who possessed the same physical aspects as Changbin, it would again be different, because they would not be him. The infamous aura he possessed of someone who had got full control over their life washed over Seungmin even from afar. His breath got stuck in his throat, barely not choking.
Changbin’s nonchalance balanced Bang Chan’s light and Han’s overenergetic self; everything about them seemed in place, the interactions were familiar. It was nice to see that the connection was genuine between them and not just to put up an image. Seungmin respected that.
The last thought in his mind was respect, however, when he caught Changbin reaching from behind him to take something by Han, presumably a gift, as the muscles of his arm flexed in a way that was mouth watering yet Seungmin’s one only dried. It was a one second interaction - so fast that the people who had thought of recording wouldn’t have caught it - but he did. And the thoughts that followed.. No. He wasn’t going to miss meeting his favorite idol (even if for a second) over a delusional fantasy. Not when he was about to see the real man.
(He only filed it for later.)
He clenched his jaw, he could feel his face heating under the caressing sun rays. He didn’t miss Jeongin raising a curious brow at him, a knowing smirk on his face, before the latter went back to looking around them instead of the group, making sure Seungmin was safe and sound.
He had to return the favor someday, and will.
For now he caught onto the metal railing separating the fans and 3Racha with a grip so strong his knuckles turned white and his fingers felt numb quickly after. For a moment he looked down at his hands and frowned.. It felt like he was missing something but could not pinpoint it.
He swore he had looked down for just a second and the last time he checked, Changbin was a few meters away, so there was no way Changbin’s loose T-shirt came into view. He snapped his head quicker than intended and it hurt his neck but the view was worth all the pain in the world; bangs covering the most gorgeous eyes he had never seen, a polite smile that turned amused. Why? Seungmin didn’t know.
He felt someone knocking their shoulders together. “C’mon!” Jeongin encouraged in a hushed tone.
Oh. Was Changbin waiting for him? He wanted to scream, he refused to believe any of this was happening- “C-could you..” He couldn’t talk, his tongue was twisted from nerves and his face was burning hot. His vision was narrowing yet blurring on its own, Changbin coming in and out of Seungmin’s focus like he were a camera. He had not taken out his phone to record - he was so thankful to his past (two hours earlier) self for that, his memory was vivid enough so if– when Seungmin wanted, he’d be able to remember the littlest details of the interaction.
It felt like time had slowed because nothing happened for way too long and the crowd had become white noise. Changbin had his undivided attention and even in the state he was in, he noticed the amusement drawn on his smirk, his eyes were not only warm but piercing; he wanted to thank whatever being was looking over him in that moment. He was sure his own were wide - very comically so, as well.
“For you? Of course.” He must be hearing things, as well - Changbin’s tone was almost sultry, the amusement in his eyes too much for Seungmin to handle, his hands were shaking– Wait. He wasn’t holding the railing anymore but.. his shirt. He was holding out his shirt for Changbin to sigh. The realization must have been obvious on his face; his eyes diverted to his fists at the bottom of the T-shirt, the same white-knuckled grip. He was just about to drop it, to apologize, give Changbin something more normal to sign, before he looked up and realized it was too late.
Maybe it wasn’t professional - or maybe Seungmin’s subconscious was too dirty - but a chill went down his spine when Changbin’s hand went under the shirt, right between where Seungmin’s fists were, and wrote quickly his signature with a permanent marker, as well as a small heart. At that moment the reality of the surreal situation had started to settle down on him, he could hear the whispers and gasps.
This was not professional.
It was everything he had ever wanted, everything he thought would never exist outside his head.
“A compromise for you.” Changbin whispered and just like that he was gone, as well as his hand.
The crowd mostly moved on, only a few in the back were still murmuring, but Seungmin couldn’t care less. Not only because of his overwhelm, physical and emotional, but because in the next moment Bang Chan came into view and smiled that smile of his that made everyone feel safe and comfortable. In his panic Seungmin outstretched his hand for a shake and though random, Bang Chan’s smile didn’t falter as he took the hand with a firm shake. There was an emotion in there Seungmin couldn’t read but, again, there was no time to think. Han came after.
It felt like a breath of fresh air when Han simply gave him a high five and said he liked his shirt (noting to send the message to the maker of it). He even complimented Jeongin’s jewelry (he was wearing a lot of rings and bracelets, Seungmin could never) before he disappeared as well. Then everything - every little interaction, but mostly his one with Changbin - hit him in the head, a headache coming with it.
He would never be able to get anything done anymore. Every moment he was awake and in his dreams he would see an amused smirk and piercing eyes, he would remember the intensity the attention caused, the atmosphere. The unprofessionalism he’d pay to experience again.
He was so lucky.
“Seung?” Jeongin turned him around, a playful but curious look in his eye. “How does it feel to be noticed by your bias?” Noticed covered none of the interaction and Jeongin knew that and it was obvious he was going to tease him for it for the rest of his life, most likely. For once, Seungmin couldn’t find it in him to be annoyed. “What did he say? A spoiler, a date? I must say, it was.. unprofessional.”
Seungmin blinked once, then twice. “Oh?” His voice cracked. “I– I’ll tell you later.”
The latter nodded in understanding. After that they didn’t stay for long, only until 3Racha met everyone and announced their leave with gratitude for everyone who came. Seungmin didn’t have energy to clap or cheer, he just watched in awe as the group was escorted away.
He thought he met Changbin’s eye.
And from that day, he wasn’t the same.
…
Seungmin had shame with everyone but himself and Jeongin, so it wasn’t surprising when he got a frame on which he hung his signed shirt. A little part of him was sad, it was a comfy shirt, but the accomplishment he felt each time his eyes found the blue material on the wall was worth it. It complimented his sheets, if nothing, and it filled the space above his bed. And it wasn’t like a newcomer would just bust through his door; he didn’t have friends outside Jeongin and as for Jeongin.. he didn’t have many, surprisingly, and never took them over in their dorm.
The most he had to deal with was a playful raise of Jeongin’s brow and knowing looks.
He could manage.
On the outside that seemed to be it, life moved on and so did Seungmin.. except that he didn’t.
He spent the rest of the week stalking his social media - in every app he had and didn’t have an account for - to watch all (quite the few) points of view that had uploaded his interaction with the rapper, read all the comments and fed into his delusions. Many were shocked (fairly so), others swooned over Changbin, wishing it was them (also fair, he had been in their place before), and concluding it all, it was mostly that. Seungmin hadn’t shown his face on any social media so spammers didn’t rush for his DMs, but still, the attention was overwhelming.
In a good way, mostly.
But then there were people who called out the absurdity, the weirdness - some were even trying to cancel Changbin? He didn’t understand - nothing really happened and the most it did was fluster Seungmin - but it didn’t matter what he thought, at the end of the day, but the mass.
Still he hoped he hadn’t caused too much trouble and that the hype would die with time.
(Definitely not because the attention made him jealous of all those eyes on Changbin, not at all.)
“Seungmin-ah!” He whipped his head up from his phone at the muffled sound of Jeongin from the living room. Usually when the latter needed him he would find him personally (unless he couldn’t somehow) so the fact he didn’t that time was interesting. And probably not a good sign.
He stood up, heading towards the voice to find its owner pacing around the living room.
Jeongin was good at pretending, he could mostly hide whenever something affected him. Mostly. Which meant Seungmin noticed the nervousness in his eyes, the.. concern? It was hard to pinpoint exactly what he saw but it was definitely not something good. He lifted a brow. “Yes?”
“Do you have any plans like.. right now?”
Seungmin blinked. “I mean, does it look like I do?” He outstretched his arms as he held onto the sleeves of his slightly oversized hoodie. He didn’t feel like going out, if his friend meant that, though Jeongin would be able to tell. So it must be something else or simply more important.
“Great.” Jeongin pressed his lips in a thin line, looking between the floor and Seungmin. “Dress up!”
“Where are we going?”
“Paying my brother a visit.”
He furrowed his brows. “Minho is in town?” Lee Minho, Jeongin’s (adoptive) brother, also part of worldwide known model group DanceR, ironically called that because they were dancers - the one Jeongin has been taking inspiration from for years on end because of Minho, really. He knew of Jeongin’s brother and all but he had never actually met the guy as he, Felix and Hyunjin - his coworkers - were barely around.
A nod. “He is and I don’t know when we can catch him again, it’s about time I introduce you to him.”
Seungmin suppressed a sigh. He really didn’t feel like going out. “Sure. Give me five minutes.”
Jeongin’s features relaxed instinctively before he smiled warmly. “Thank you! Waiting on ya.”
He had planned on spending the rest of the night scrolling through Twitter and nodding to horny comments under edits of Changbin (like he did most nights) but Jeongin had other plans. Abrupt plans, as well. Seungmin hated surprises - when something came up unannounced and he was deprived of time to react or didn’t have the choice to decline - but he didn’t want to miss the opportunity, as well.
He told himself he was doing it for Jeongin.
…
Okay, he did not expect a bar.
He had gone out for a drink only a few times (again, by Jeongin’s request) and he knew there were only two results to that night - he’d either get stupidly drunk and embarrass himself in front of Jeongin’s brother (which he was not planning to do) or remain the only sober one.
It was a fancy bar, at that, though that wasn’t surprising - Minho was filthy rich, he could afford a place with good quality. It made him think how, no matter how many times he had been offered, Jeongin refused to take any money from his brother; Jeongin wanted to work for his money, he worked two jobs at one point and still refused. He wanted to prove to himself that he could accomplish things alone.
Respect, for which.
Now, as Jeongin led him into a place with dimmed lights and way too many people, he could feel himself regretting his decision. He didn’t cope with loudness and people, add onto that meeting Jeongin’s brother for the first time? Yeah, little to say nerve-wracking. The place was cozy, he admitted as he looked around - lots of places to sit, a dance floor and the actual bar in a very convenient place. Nice.
At one point Jeongin took a turn and they passed the bar towards a door with the golden words ’Forbidden for customers’ and under it with a smaller font ‘VIP only’. Seungmin wanted to ask, though he decided against it. The question was pointless as well, of course Minho would have reserved the VIP space. He took one last glance behind himself before passing through to the following room, which was much quieter but not so much brighter. The warm colored lamps illuminated the furniture and three- three? figures standing still, chatting quietly.
“Ah, Jeonginnie, you finally came!” Minho, Seungmin guessed (the lighting really wasn’t bright), stepped forward. Only when he came closer did he recognize the sharp features and familiar face; someone he had seen on the front of magazines scattered around in hair salons. Despite the cold attitude he had during interviews (which he liked to think was a persona), his voice was warm, genuinely happy to see his brother. Jeongin hugged him tight and returned the smile, though Seungmin’s awkward stance made him noticed by both. “You must be Seungmin?”
“It is me, yes.” He nodded, bowing to the older man. “This introduction is very abrupt, I must say.”
“It’s because that’s not the reason you are here.” Minho still sounded calm but there was an edge to his tone and his eyes were analyzing Seungmin like he could learn about his every dark thought simply by observing him thoroughly. Seungmin furrowed his eyebrows but didn’t comment, he remained in place because he didn’t know what to do nor say. He kept the other people in his periphery, instead.
“Seungmin,” Jeongin sounded uncertain. “You’re going to meet someone.. again.”
“Uh, sure?” He was confused.
“Me and Minho are leaving.” The latter continued. Seungmin was just about to protest - his heart beat faster than ever at the mere thought of being left alone with two strangers in a place far from home - but he wasn’t given the chance. “You’re not in danger, I’ll pick you up, okay?” Jeongin sounded assuring and he didn’t use that tone of his often; even when Seungmin went through it, Jeongin kept quiet, opting to play the role of the listener rather than the comforter. Though, to Seungmin, being heard brought a level of comfort he would never take for granted.
He blinked once, subtly attempting to take a deep breath, then twice. “Okay. When will that be?”
Jeongin bit the inside of his cheek, looking between Seungmin and the two shadowed figures. “Unsure, as of now. Hopefully quickly. I want to catch up with Minho-hyung, as well, you know. Didn’t lie about that part.” And Seungmin would give him that moment no matter what.
“Okay,” He repeated automatically. “Have fun catching up.” He tried to smile.
“Thank you.” And before he knew it, Jeongin and Minho were out from the way he came in.
He expected awkward silence to follow in which each would wait for the other to approach (it wouldn’t be Seungmin) but the moment the door behind him closed, one of the figures stepped forward. There was something very familiar about it, almost painfully so, but he wasn’t good at recognizing shapes and his vision wasn’t the best (maybe he should get glasses). Only when Changbin’s features were illuminated by the orange light did Seungmin realize; he’d stopped breathing. His eyes widened as much as it was humanly possibly, mouth agape.
“I thought he’d be more relaxed after your encounter. That will make things harder.” The other person, still in the darkest part of the room, spoke. It didn’t take long to recognize Han’s voice and soon Han himself stepped forward. He had a smug smile on his face when he stepped next to Changbin, leaning on him with an elbow on his shoulder. Seungmin barely saw the action; only Changbin existed in that moment (nothing personal, Han) and he knew he should stop staring, should’ve introduced himself properly and ask why he was there to begin with.
Though he definitely wasn’t complaining.
Changbin rolled his eyes, eyeing Han. “That is not how things work and you, of all people, know.”
Han hummed. “Right.” Then his eyes landed on Seungmin. “Oh, where did my manners go? Han Jisung to your service!” Of course Seungmin knew of Han’s animated personality but it was one watching clips, it was a whole nother thing experiencing it. Han outstretched a hand, which he reluctantly shook. He had to force his eyes to meet Han’s gaze - gaze filled with intrigue and mischievousness.
What was happening?
“I– I know you, both of you.” He said dumbly. “I’m a huge fan! I met you during the fan meeting.”
“Oh, I certainly remember that.” Han wiggled his brows, looking between Changbin and him. He wished the Earth could swallow him right there and then, but at the same time he wanted to hear Changbin’s thoughts. Or just anything from Changbin’s mouth, to be fair. But Han wasn’t done. “Quite the show you made, didn’t you? I had to look away to stop myself from gaping! I ain’t watching romance!”
Seungmin could feel his face heating up. He held the hand he shook Han's with to his chest. “I sincerely apologize for causing any unnecessary rumors.” He was sorry - sure, he didn’t regret it, though that didn’t mean he didn’t feel bad for possibly causing trouble. “I kind of– panicked, I’d forgotten what I wanted to be signed and my brain went on autopilot. I wish I could repay my mistakes, somehow.”
Sweat had begun gathering at the back of his neck and his palm was sweaty against his shirt. He couldn’t help but feel like he was analyzed under Changbin’s gaze, which only added to his nerves. Almost felt like he was being tested for something, some challenge he was yet to pass.
Han’s whistle broke the silence. “And he’s literate? This may turn out believable, Bin!” He hit his friend’s arm playfully, though Changbin’s attention was entirely on Seungmin. Any other day he would be doing mental somersaults out of happiness; the man he was obsessed with paying him attention? What was that, Christmas? He may have no idea what they were talking about but he reveled at the attention. He wondered if Changbin saw something interesting in him, anything appealing? If he were bolder he would straight up ask, but he wasn’t. Not at all.
“Uh.. thank you?”
To his surprise, Changbin scoffed. “You’re welcome. I feel like I should apologize for dragging you into something that doesn’t even matter.” It looked like Han was about to protest but Changbin was quicker to speak. “It doesn’t, Jisung, why should we feed into people’s delusions?”
“Because if we don’t resolve this, Chan will kill us.” Han’s tone was lighthearted, but there was weight to the words. Seungmin felt like he shouldn’t be hearing any of their conversation which wasn’t related to him yet his mind was like a sponge - it picked up every little thing it heard. A lopsided grin spread on Han’s face when he looked at Seungmin. “Besides, I don’t think it’d genuinely.. damage us.”
“Rumors of celebrities dating fans have ruined one too many people’s lives.”
Dating?
“But you wouldn’t be dating a fan!” Han’s grin turned mischievous. He stepped towards Seungmin and the fanboy side of him wanted to hug him, but the little more rational part kept him frozen in place as Han wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He still couldn’t believe any of it was real. “Seungmin is Minho’s brother’s best friend! And Minho is our friend! See, the connections are connected already!”
Minho and Changbin were friends?! Okay, he didn’t know anything about Minho’s friend group or Changbin’s friends outside Bang Chan and Han, but their friendship had been well hidden to be unknown by the media. Huh, Han was right - the connections are truly connected.
It led to just one question, though - how did Seungmin manage to get so lucky in life again?
He couldn’t say anything - he observed like a fish the interaction. He didn’t dare ask questions because, well, who was he to ask things? If he was understanding this correctly, he may be dating Changbin to appease the media and avoid scandals by pretending he had been his partner.. He was stuck between jumping up and down and fainting though his body chose the second option and accidentally stepped on Han’s foot as he slid out of his half hug. He was waiting for a crack, something like breaking a bone or just the sound of his body hitting the ground..
But none of that happened.
Before he knew it, he was face-to-face with Changbin, the latter holding him onto his upper arms. “Careful there, Seungmin. Don’t want to have a concussion on our first date.” Seungmin was sure nothing that went in his ears was correct - firstly, Changbin knew his name (so did Han though.. Minho!) and, secondly, did he just say they were having a date? Or were about to have a date? Seungmin was speechless.
“Oh, I’m sorry, am I interrupting?” Han’s voice sounded distant but it could be heard he was smirking.
Changbin snorted. “Yes, Sung, you are. Leave us alone for a moment. And find Minho while at it.”
Han must have already left - he couldn’t hear anything properly - for Changbin’s attention to switch back to him. He helped Seungmin stand to his feet yet his hands were still warm on his upper arms, holding tightly, like if he removed them Seungmin would fall (which he may, honestly). And in a moment of way too long silence he decided to speak up. “What is all this?” Welp, he could’ve formulated that better.
Changbin wasn’t looking at him but somewhere behind him. “That was unprofessional of me. I just wanted to poke fun and I thought you were cute. The interaction was fun, entertaining and nothing more. It wasn’t supposed to be, at least. Jisung noticed the negative attention it brought and even pointed out the cons before I could see them. He.. he helped me get you here. And I know I’m requesting a lot–”
“You’re good!” The words shot out of his mouth way too quickly to be normal. He covered it up, clearing his throat and pretending to look nervous (which wasn’t hard because he was). “I– I mean, whatever you say. It’s half my fault, after all, I should help clear your name out.”
He called me cute?
The latter squinted his eyes, analyzing Seungmin for a little too long, then smiled warmly. “I will never be able to repay you.” This is all I’ve ever wanted. “You heard Jisung, that’s how we met, which at least isn’t a lie. And then about the fan meeting..” Changbin furrowed his eyebrows in thought. There was the smallest wrinkle in-between, he wanted to suck it– “We could say it was intentional! A prank! I’ve seen celebrities with non-famous partners do that, revealing their relationship and all. We could say you were acting like a fanboy for the clips.”
Seungmin blinked, distracted. “Ah, what did you say? Was distracted by your wrinkles, apologies.”
Changbin actually snorted at that. “Wow, thank you so much, jagi.” Seungmin’s confidence was building up the longer they were alone - was it him wanting to show himself off or his nerves, it couldn’t matter less because it seemed like he was doing something right. His personality with Jeongin was a chaotic, sarcastic and brutally honest mess only his best friend knew of. So to comfortably poke fun at Changbin without even realizing it.. he must be adapting quickly. Or obsession and delusion were truly dangerous things which gave him immunity.
“Always, Bin.”
Another roll of the latter’s eyes. Then a pause. “Wait, how old are you? You look freshly graduated.”
“At least one of us has to keep the youthful charm.” Seungmin shrugged with one shoulder. “I’m twenty-four, for the record. Three years into university.” Changbin then went to ask him about his major which he despised with whole passion and he didn’t really hide that as he talked.
“When I first saw you, I thought Innie was assigned to look after you or something.”
“Well.. He was, in a way, I suppose.” He suddenly smirked. “And still thought I was cute?”
Changbin grunted but didn’t deny it. “I kinda miss when you were all nervous and not talking.”
“What, it turns you on?” He might have gotten a bit too comfortable and he realized that too late, managing only to bite his lip after the words were out. He was just about to apologize, take a step backwards to put distance.. but then his eyes locked on Changbin’s slightly parted lips.
He had received a lot as of recently, his life was fine when it should be crashing down. It would be greedy to take at that point, wouldn’t it? Should he throw himself in the dark and hope to turn out lucky once more? Changbin’s lips looked inviting.. and they were going to date soon–
It was worth the risk.
“Seungmin-” He grabbed the latter’s wrist gently but he had an iron grip on them. He couldn’t see Changbin’s face but for the moment he didn’t want to - not when he pressed his lips on soft skin, Changbin’s throat wasn’t exposed but Seungmin went downwards to suck on the skin. A shiver coursed through Changbin and he took that as encouragement, as a response, and continued. As Changbin’s head continued to go lower and lower, denying him access, he only sucked harder, naturally getting more room, and aimed for the softer spots of his throat and neck.
Shaky gasps escaped the man beneath him; Seungmin couldn’t be more thankful to be taller. He continued up Changbin’s jaw, full on biting but he couldn’t help it - the latter tasted so sweet and smelled like expensive perfume and looked so perfect, how could he not want a taste?
After daydreaming for so long..
“Seungmin-ah!” But Changbin put an end to it as he pushed him away with so much force he was close to tripping. Seungmin couldn’t help but devour with eyes the sight before him - Changbin’s shaking form, neck covered in hickies, jaw decorated with bite marks. His lips were still soft, untouched and parted in invitation. He continued to go up only to see.. tear tracks. Tears on Changbin’s beautiful face.
“What happened?” He asked quietly, gently.
Changbin’s eyes widened. “I– You– what do you–” He couldn’t find his words, still shaken.
“Let me help you.” Seungmin stepped forward and continued to, even when Changbin walked backwards until his back hit the wall. His eyes were so big and shiny - it felt like Seungmin was looking at the universe - yet so uncertain and confused. There was something else he couldn’t recognize, as well; it was again negative. Why so negative? Seungmin would make sure his contagious smile never left his face - he would do anything to keep it on his face, make sure unhappiness never reached him, make his tears dissipate into the air, disappear.
“M-min, later, okay?” Changbin spoke softly; music to his ears. “I’m just tired, it’s been a long week.”
Seungmin perked up at the nickname and his heart skipped a beat. “I understand.” He took a step back, eyes not leaving Changbin even if for just a second; the rising and falling of his chest, the unidentifiable emotion in his eyes, the slightly ruffled hair. He wanted– needed to touch, to run careless hands through that absurd body of his and explore, to ruffle his hair even more.. To investigate that emotion.
He quickly realized he didn’t like it.
“So, we’re dating now?”
Changbin blinked rapidly. “Oh– yes, for a bit.” It broke his heart to hear the shake in his voice.
He nodded because he couldn’t say anything, still thinking he was dreaming and about to wake up.
“Uhm.. We’ll discuss the details another day.”
He nodded again. “Do you need my number or..?”
The latter shook his head. “I’ll inform you through Jeongin, if that’s alright with you.”
“Okay.” He tried not to frown but also he didn’t want to demand, maybe not yet.
“I– I’ll find Jeongin and Minho now, I don’t know if you’ll stay after but I’ll definitely be going. Thank you again, I’ll meet you another time.” Changbin rushed the words before moving past him, closing the door loudly. Must be in a rush, it was rather late. Seungmin smiled a little.
How lucky was he