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Julie wakes with a smile on her face. This isn’t typical for a Monday morning - it’s not typical for any morning, really, over the past year or so.
But today is different. Today, she’s Matt Saracen’s girlfriend again.
At least, she hopes she is.
They still haven’t defined things in any clear terms, but they spent the night together. She lost her virginity to him, made love with him, and it was everything she’d hoped it would be and more. Her mother’s words from nearly two years ago echoed in her mind before she surrendered herself to her own emotions - that she needed to be ready, that she should make sure she really loves someone before taking that step.
She’s glad she listened, because she wasn’t ready two years ago. She still had a lot of learning and growing to do. And as for the loving someone part, she loved Matt then, but she loves him even more now.
Not once during or after her first time did she question if it was the right decision, because she knew it was. She had never felt more safe, more secure, more loved, than she did in that moment. It was just her and Matt, surrounded by the lake and the crackling fire, and nothing else in the world mattered.
She could see in the smile on his face when they met eyes across a crowded church yesterday morning that he wasn’t regretting it, either. So the only question remaining is if it meant the same thing to him that it did to her - the beginning of something new. A fresh start.
“Honey, are you alright to make your own way home from school today?” Tami asks as she attempts to consume as much coffee as possible while also feeding her youngest daughter. “I’ve got to take Gracie to the pediatrician for her check-up and your dad’s got a meeting with the boosters.”
“Yeah, that’s no problem,” Julie replies, trying to appear as casual as possible when she turns to her father. “Does that mean practice is cancelled today?”
“Yes, it does,” Eric confirms, not without a touch of suspicion. “Why do you ask, Jules?”
“No reason,” Julie shrugs, trying not to smile as she eats her bagel.
She hasn’t told her parents about the new development with Matt yet, nor will she until she’s sure there’s something she can share with them. This means a label - her parents wouldn’t take kindly to a “we’re figuring things out” or “we might be back together” or, God forbid, “we spent the most perfect, romantic night of my life together and I’m pretty sure I want to be with him forever.”
Yeah, that wouldn’t go over well. Even if it’s true.
It’s not the easiest secret to keep, since she can’t seem to wipe the smile off her face the entire drive to school. She sits in the passenger seat of her mother’s car, gazing out the window and daydreaming about her quarterback (he may not be QB1 anymore, but he’s still her quarterback.)
Tyra meets her at her locker, telling her something about her new cowboy-boyfriend, but Julie can hardly pay attention, her eyes scanning the hallway behind her.
“What are you looking at?” Tyra asks, raising an eyebrow. “Did you hear a word I said?”
“Sorry, I was just looking for - have you seen Matt today?”
“Matt? No, I haven’t, why are you…” Tyra reads Julie’s expression for a moment before her eyes shoot wide open. “Are y’all back together?”
“Um, maybe,” Julie says. “Hopefully. I just need to…confirm things.”
“Well,” Tyra smirks, nodding her head as she looks over Julie’s shoulder. “He’s walking over here right now.”
She should play it cool, but she immediately spins her head around until she finds those beautiful green eyes she adores so much.
Time seems to stand still for a moment as he pauses in his tracks, that crooked smile spreading across his face and making her weak in the knees. She feels like a damn Jane Austen character, swooning over a guy like this, but she really can’t help it when he’s looking at her like that.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Tyra says quietly, squeezing Julie’s shoulder as she steps out of the way so Matt can take her place.
He closes the gap between them, fiddling with the strap of his backpack.
“Hey,” he murmurs, still charmingly shy as ever - even now, after he’s seen every inch of her.
“Hey,” she responds, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
She glances up and her eyes meet his lips, and she wants to kiss him so badly it almost hurts. She restrains herself, but it takes every fibre of her being to do so.
“So…practice is cancelled today,” Matt says. “Something about a booster meeting.”
“I heard,” Julie says, a small smile creeping onto her face. “Um, do you want to go grab some food or something? I would invite you over, but I’m not exactly sure when my parents will get home and I haven’t told them about us yet-“
“Us, huh?”
Her face flushes with embarrassment as she realizes what she’s said, but Matt’s soft laugh immediately puts her at ease.
“I’m just messing with you,” Matt smiles. “And, um, Shelby’s actually taking Grandma to bingo - the doctor said it’s good for her to get out a bit more - so we could hang out at my house. If you want.”
Her heart races at the thought of being alone with him again, and she’s nodding before she regains the ability to speak.
“That sounds perfect,” she blurts out. “I’ll meet you by the back doors at 3:30?”
“Alright,” Matt grins, scratching the back of his neck. “Um, I’ll see you then. I mean, I’ll probably see you before then, but…I’ll see you.”
She can’t suppress the giggle that leaves her throat at his sweet awkwardness.
“See you then.”
It feels like the longest day of school in the history of her education, but the last bell finally rings.
Despite their conversation this morning and some stolen glances during lunch, she’s no less full of butterflies when she gets to the doors and finds Matt already waiting for her.
“I normally get a ride with Landry, but I told him I would walk,” he says. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah, totally,” Julie smiles. She’s pretty much okay with just about anything as long as it means spending time with him.
They chat comfortably as they walk to Matt’s. She can tell he still doesn’t really want to talk about football, so they don’t. Instead, they talk about their days - she tells him about her Spanish test and Matt does an impression of his math teacher that makes Julie laugh so hard her stomach hurts.
By the time they get to the house and walk through the front door, her nerves have mostly dissipated, and she makes herself comfortable on the couch while Matt grabs them each a soda.
“Thanks,” Julie says as he passes her a Coke before sitting down next to her and opening his own drink. “Since when are you a Dr. Pepper guy?”
For a moment, she feels guilty for assuming she knows everything about him. In reality, they’ve only recently begun hanging out again after a pretty lengthy separation caused by her own foolishness. For all she knows, he’s been drinking Dr. Pepper for months now.
“I’m not, really,” Matt shrugs, “We only had one Coke left and I figured you would want it.”
Maybe it’s the pent-up emotions from the past couple days while she’s been waiting to touch him again, or maybe it’s the reminder of how sweet and caring he is, but Julie can’t hold herself back anymore.
She sets her drink down on the table and grabs Matt’s face with both hands, pulling him in for a passionate kiss. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up, but then his hands are on her waist and he’s kissing her back just as fervently.
Kissing him is like a drug, one that she’s deprived herself of for far too long. Now that she has him back, she can’t get enough of him.
She sighs in delight as Matt pulls her into his lap so she’s straddling him, and the feeling of how hard he already is beneath her makes her want him even more.
Matt begins to kiss down her neck, his hands gripping the fabric of her shirt, and the words leave her lips before she can realize what she’s saying.
“I love you.”
It’s not the first time she’s said it to him, but it’s the first time since they broke up. She certainly thought it many times since - when she saw him with other girls and regretted letting him go, as she walked him home from the Arnett Mead game a few weeks ago, definitely when he sunk into her the other night after one of many whispered confirmations that she was sure.
Matt abruptly stops kissing her and pulls back, meeting her gaze. She’s not sure if she should feel embarassed or not, but the look of complete awe and joy on his face indicates that she has nothing to worry about.
“I’m sorry if it’s too soon to say that again,” Julie murmurs. “But it’s true.”
Matt’s hand moves from her waist to her cheek, gently stroking her jaw with his thumb.
“It’s okay,” he smiles softly. “I love you too, Julie. I - I never stopped.”
Guilt washes over her again, making the matching smile on her face falter and her lip tremble slightly - just enough for Matt to notice.
“Hey, what’s-“
“I’m so sorry, Matt,” she whispers, shaking her head.
It’s not the first time she’s apologized, but it certainly bears repeating. Especially when he’s being so damn sweet and all she can think about is how she broke the heart of the kindest boy she’s ever known, the boy who still loves her in spite of it all.
“I was an idiot,” she continues. “I thought I needed to try new things or whatever but all I’ve done since then is regret it-“
“Jules, it’s really-“
“I treated you like crap and I completely understand if you can never forgive me-“
His lips on hers finally get her to stop talking, slow and sweet and without an ounce of resentment.
“I do forgive you,” he says. “I did a while ago, actually. And if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that I only wanna be with you.”
She asked him at the lake - afterward, when they were tangled up together - if he had lost his virginity during their time apart, fearing that he would tell her he slept with that perfect cheerleader Lauren and she would never compare. Instead, he told her about his relationship with his grandma’s nurse Carlotta, which only made Julie’s heart ache for him more.
“It’s okay that you cared about her,” Julie says now, softly. “I know you spent a lot of time together.”
“I did care about her, but it was never like this,” he says sincerely, his hand gently cupping her face. “You and me on Saturday night, that was perfect . It was…”
“Right,” Julie finishes for him. “It felt right.”
Matt nods, smiling warmly at her and making her melt with affection.
“Yeah,” he says. “And for the record, as happy as I am that it happened, I didn’t plan to bring you to the lake and - um - seduce you, or whatever - I just…wanted to spend time with you.”
God, she can’t believe how much she loves this boy.
“I know,” she murmurs, turning her head to press a kiss to his palm. “That’s why you’re the best guy I know. And why I’m so happy it was with you.”
She sees a flash of his wide grin before he pulls her back in for a firm kiss that she immediately gets lost in. She’s still in his lap, and the friction between them is driving her crazy. Now that she knows what he’s capable of making her feel, it’s hard to think about anything else.
“Matt,” she exhales between desperate kisses. “Can we - can we go to your bedroom?”
Matt pulls back again to look at her properly, making Julie involuntarily whine a bit at the loss of contact.
“Are you sure?” he asks. “I mean, I know girls can be a bit…sore down there after the first time, right? I don’t want you to feel like we have to do it again so soon if you’re still…”
His hand, previously on her lower back, moves to gently stroke her inner thigh, and she can see the pure adoration and respect he has for her in his eyes. She feels like the luckiest girl on the planet to have found the only teenage boy who would interrupt her trying to have sex with him on multiple occasions to ensure she was completely okay with it - first emotionally, and now physically too.
“I’m sure. I was a bit sore yesterday, but I’m okay now,” she says. “Thank you for checking. You’re very sweet. Now can we-“
She doesn’t have to ask him again - with surprising ease, he lifts her up with his hands on her thighs, her legs instinctively wrapping around his waist.
“Whoa, you’re-“ Julie mumbles in between desperate kisses, “- strong .”
Matt chuckles, kicking his bedroom door open and gently laying her on the bed.
“Yeah, well, your dad’s been making us hit the gym a lot lately, so you can thank him,” he says, climbing over her to kiss her again. “Actually, wait, forget I said that-“
“Oh my god, Matt,” Julie groans. “Please never mention my dad when we’re… doing it again. I beg of you.”
“Got it,” Matt says firmly, shaking his head to get the thought out of his own mind. “Never again.”
She laughs and rolls her eyes before dragging him back down to kiss her even more hungrily.
They take their time undressing each other, or at least more than they did at the lake. Now that Julie knows what to expect, she’s a bit less frantic, a bit more sure of herself.
Plus, it’s Matt, and he still asks if she’s okay every time they shift position at all. She feels so safe with him that she doesn’t have to worry much about if she’s doing it right - and judging by the sounds he’s making, she’s doing something right.
It feels even better than the first time, now that most of the discomfort is gone and she can focus on his gentle touches and the feeling of their bodies moving in perfect harmony.
“I love you,” Matt whispers in her ear as she hits her peak, and she feels so overwhelmed by joy and bliss and a million other emotions that she could cry.
Afterward, when he’s carefully helped clean her up and she’s laying with her head on his chest, she finally gets the courage to ask the question that’s been playing on her mind since she got home yesterday morning.
“Matt,” she murmurs.
He hums in response, tightening his arms around her and pressing a kiss to her temple.
“Does this mean we’re back together?”
His hand stills where it was tracing circles on her bare back. She tilts her head so her chin rests on his chest and she can look him in the eye.
“I - um, well, I hope so,” Matt says shyly. “If you want to be.”
Julie’s heart skips a beat, and she nods quickly.
“I want to be,” she says quietly, a soft smile on her face. “I really missed being your girlfriend.”
Matt leans in to kiss her, cradling her head with his hand like she’s the most precious thing in the world.
“I really missed you being my girlfriend too,” he breathes when they part.
And now, in the quiet of his bedroom with the early evening light creeping in and the warm wind blowing in through the window, everything falls back into place.
-
Julie gets home in time for dinner, both of her parents’ cars in the driveway already as she walks up to the house, a lovestruck grin still plastered on her face.
“Hey, sweetheart, I was just about to call you,” Tami says, standing at the stove and stirring something when she walks in. “You go to Tyra’s after school?”
She considers saying yes, delaying the inevitable conversation, but she’s too happy to keep this from them - so happy that even if they respond with their typical lecturing and advice, she doesn’t think they could bring her mood down.
“Um, no,” she says, setting her backpack down by the couch and sitting down across the kitchen table from her dad, who is bouncing Gracie on his knee. “I was hanging out with Matt.”
“Oh, really?” Tami says with a raised eyebrow, still stirring and, without a doubt, biting her tongue to give Julie the chance to elaborate before she asks a thousand follow-up questions.
“You two been spending more time together lately, huh?” Eric comments.
Of course, the stolen moments they’ve shared over the past month or so - Julie hanging around after games to see him, Matt walking her to class after lunch - have not gone unnoticed by her father.
“Yeah, we have,” Julie says. “We’re actually…back together.”
Tami drops the spoon and does a 180 degree turn.
“You’re - when did this happen?”
“It’s new,” Julie says vaguely - her parents believe she slept at Lois’ house Saturday night, and she’s not about to tell them where she really was. “But it’s…good. Really good, I think.”
Her parents exchange a look, having a full conversation with their eyes that only they are privy to. Julie always wonders if she’ll be able to communicate like that with someone someday.
With one person in particular, if she’s lucky.
“You know what you’re doing there, Jules?” Eric asks her after a moment, slowly and calmly. Obviously, part of her mom’s non-verbal warning to him reminded him to keep his cool.
“Come on, Dad,” Julie sighs. “Don’t pretend you don’t like him. The guy won you a state championship, he’s never treated me badly, or anyone for that matter-“
“It’s not that I don’t like him,” Eric cuts her off with a raised hand. “I know he’s a good kid, and he obviously thinks the world of you. I’m asking if you’re sure about him.”
It dawns on her what her dad is really worried about - not Matt hurting her, but her hurting him. Again .
“I’m sure,” she says quietly. “I know I screwed up last year. There was a lot going on and I didn’t handle it well-“
She sees her father wince, almost imperceptibly, at the memory of his ill-fated coaching stint at TMU and the toll it took on their whole family.
“-but I’ve apologized to Matt, and he understands,” she concludes. “I…I won’t hurt him again.”
Eric doesn’t look completely satisfied, nor will he ever where her dating life is concerned, Julie suspects, but he gives her a nod in response.
“Well, alright then,” Tami says gently, her hands on her hips. “Thank you for letting us know. And we’d better have him over for dinner soon now that he’s your boyfriend again.”
“Yeah,” Julie grins. Her boyfriend. Matt Saracen is her boyfriend again. She’ll never tire of hearing or saying it. “Yeah, I’ll invite him.”
Julie’s smile doesn’t fade as she walks to her bedroom, and she collapses on the bed the moment she’s inside.
Her hair is still a bit messy from him running his fingers through it. Her hoodie smells like him. She knows that if she pulls down her shirt, there will be a small mark on her collarbone from his mouth, just low enough that her parents wouldn’t see it. Down the hallway, she can faintly hear her mom suggesting they have steak when Matt comes for dinner and her dad mumbling his indifference about Matt Saracen’s food preferences.
He’s back in her life again. He’s hers again.
She’ll be damned if she ever lets him go.