Hand-me-downs

by Aikopatopollo

Summary:

(insipred by junji ito's depiction of no longer human, and the book itself)

"I believe that the reason why I did not tell anyone about that loathsome crime perpetrated on me by the servants was not because of distrust for human beings, but because the human beings around me had rigorously sealed me off from the world of trust or distrust. Even my father at times displayed attitudes which were hard for me to understand."
Dazai was skeptical about the new defense against the dark magic class, it's true, he appreciated the knowledge that came with it, but a depiction of a worst fear that he himself was even unsure existed, he should have liberated himself from any human emotion, for he was a demon.. but his lips trembled at the dreaded conversation, one he never got with his father, about the truth of his unforgiving filth that tainted his blood in the mosft filthy, inhuman way

Dazai was skeptical about the new defense against the dark magic class.

 

it's true, he appreciated the knowledge that came with it, but a depiction of a worst fear that he himself was even unsure existed..
he should have liberated himself from any human emotion, for he was a demon.. but his lips trembled at the dreaded conversation, one he never got with his father,

one about the truth of his unforgiving filth that tainted his blood in the most filthy, inhuman way.

 

The start of his third year had been absolutely insufferable.
While he did enjoy the freedom that came with being an executive, and dooming himself to a temporary confinement of living in an isolated shipping container, the truth was..

 

his third year of hogwarts sucked!

The buzzing of magic in the air that pinched at his skull had brought no solace to him the second he’d entered campus, for some reason the air of magic just shifted and had become so unbearable to no longer human that it had began to physically hurt dazai, causing him several headaches

Truly insufferable– but not as bad as that slimy mori at least.
however, it would have been much, far better if it weren’t for those disgusting dementors that kept reminding him of moments in which instead of feeling hellish––he laments— felt empty, devoid of something,a silver of humanity the most paltry, diminutive and naive side buried deep inside his death yet living being, had wished, that maybe surrounding himself with human beings so pure, as the hell’s hounds he’d grown to.. shift, quite dolefully, he’d only ended up corrupting their purity, everything that dazai touches does well, adapts into something irrecognisable and then leaps out of his hands when the warmth begins to warm his soul.

Just like many uneventful presences in his life, had come and gone

 

Leaving before he could feel the puny human need of want, the mirror of the Erised left it clear to him.

 

His inhumanity transcends any want or need, osamu could only ever want a world where his existence was no more.

 

Because there was truly nothing that could ever make him happy.

A hand set on his shoulder sets his eyes back up, concerned coal colored eyes met with his, seeing as dazai had been lost in thought for too long
“dazai.” blaise called out, a head or two towering over the chocolate haired boy
“are you alright? you’ve said nothing for the past hour” his voice was smooth, dazai had never been the one to admit sappy things but whenever he heard the so familiar, unforgettable voice of his second in command, he could slump his shoulders in a silver of tranquil by the sole presence of the other

 

their footsteps stop at their class.

at that Moment dazai was regretfully unaware of what was about to come

 

in a crowded space of a mix yet again of gryffindor and slytherin, he recognized the faces of hermione, ron, draco and pansy, each of them in their respective groups and unsurprised to see dazai yet again with blaise, they were practically attached to the hip, as any second in command should

the chattering of the students echoes through the spacious walls of the classroom, that made dazai’s eyebrow twitch in annoyance

 

he groaned, and pretended to not notice the concerned look of blaise, much less hermione’s, who had been silent in the distance, yet still checking up on him, or draco’s furrowed eyebrow, surely was probably expecting to ask him what was wrong after class.. and insufferably, pansy, too, had a concerned look on her face, which she was trying to disguise as annoyance, after they made a truce when she had joined the gang, she’d been worried sick and dazai could tell, to his bad luck, it was only a matter of time before she’d join in on the ‘fussing-for-dazai-club’ and started annoying him with things like eating or sleeping

‘foolish’ he hummed

monsters like him never truly feel hunger.

a pounding headache stabbed at his skull

‘for the love of god’ he thought, eyebrows now furrowed as he rested his face in his arms, a concerned Blaise next to him
‘can’t their vocal chords rip for just a minute?’

He was torn between covering his ears and attempting to sleep or asking Blaise for his knife and tearing the student’s vocal chords for himself, Blaise had proven he’d do anything for dazai at this point, and it would inconvenience that slimy mori so mu-

“Alright, class, settle down”
professor lupin said, catching everyone’s attention, as he stood next to a relatively large closet, that had something magical, dazai could sense it judging by the way no longer human buzzed underneath his skin

“Boggarts” he started
“Can anyone here tell me what they are?”

hermione raised her hand, and dazai’s interest was piqued, he’d read about boggarts in the library before, however he didn’t expect he’d see one in class, everyone was told to line up, and he, exhausted as ever, decided to just suck it up, because he’s representing the port mafia here, and fear is a great motivator

he shot a grin at the person in front of him, a devilish, goosebump inducing, toe curling nightmare fuel grin that was replicated by the best torture especialists in the port mafia

his shoulders slumped and he bit back the triumphant smile as the person yelped and turned away in an instant, and then his eyes went back to professor lupin

“what is your worst fear?” he asked ron, expression unreadable

ron’s face paled and he scoffed before muttering; “spiders..”

 

“then, listen to me carefully”

he began to explain the spell that would transform the boggart, and then it would be taken into practice afterwards

then, as the closet door opened, a huge spider emerged, it was the boggart, however as ron’s face paled, professor lupin encouraged him
“go on, say the spell”
ron gulped and then muttered a “r-riddikulus”

pansy scoffed from behind the line and muttered “your fear is ridiculous”

with that, the spider became suddenly cartoonish, after that, people after people began

dazai was having the time of his life, neville longbottom was scared of snape!! as if that wasn’t funny enough, he got to see snape in a ridiculous costume

some others even feared him, and when he least expected he saw a boggart of him with blue hair, he snorted and said to blaise

 

“what a looker! maybe i should dye my hair blue”
Blaise huffed in amusement and dazai smiled triumphantly, both making eye contact for a slit second before something, or rather, the lack of something `

There were no more students in front of them, meaning it was Blaise’s turn

The boggart made every sound Surrounding them stopped

There, shown was a limp body with fluffy brown hair, skin pale and loveless, eyes pure black and so, so empty, not a single thought behind their decomposition.. what Blaise most feared.. was what Dazai truly wanted the most

However, Blaise was only stung for a second, and then, he said with full smoothness

“Riddikulus.”

“Boss would never die as long as I’m here.”

The boggart then put Dazai in a suit with rabbit ears juggling some bouncy balls that soon lifted the spirits of the class for just a second

 

But the tension soon returned as all eyes set on Dazai..

Dazai didn’t have any fear, right? What could an inhuman creature even fear..? Not mori, mori just grossed him out! The dogs were just gross, and ..

The servants were just.. they made him uncomfortable, but more sorrowful at himself, at his inhumanity and.. and the most vile parts of those who too like him, are monsters, monsters who perpetuate such things on a defenseless child is the ugliest, vilest, cruelest crime

And Dazai had committed many crimes to know about awful, yet nothing could compare to the sheer disgust he’d feel every time he gazed upon his own dirtied body, never bound to be clean ever again, filthied .. he smiled In his weakness because men women like his servants could snuff out his emptiness and exploit it even in such a young age

However, what he lest expected to see

What’s his own father, more sane than the last time he saw him when had attempted to kill him, no, he’s..

His eyes widened in terror, in disgust at himself, oh

Oh

Of course, what he dreaded the most, to confide in someone like his father on the hateful crimes committed to him, who had tarnished the innocence he had once had

He stood entirely still as he eyed the man.

“Shuuji.”

The words whined through the walls and suddenly, he was 10 again, and his servant had snuck into his room, and he was about to tell his father , but he could not confide, and could not move and could not breath, else he’d get beat, why should he ever confide something so brutal to his father, that would only cause it to disgust his son even further

His face was blank, eyes reddened completely as he stared wide eyed at his father

“な父さん、私は——“
(Father, I- ).

The boggarts tongue clicked and it raised its voice, manic

“A son of mine would never let himself be taken advantage of, much less of a woman, or lay in the bed of a man.”

“You disgust me, shuuji.”

 

Dazai spaced out. Unresponsive, feeling a gnawing sensation eat away at his skin, no longer human tingling as the boggart got Closer, when it sensed no longer human, it hid away back in the closet as Dazai stood there, unbreathing, the entire room was silent, because no one could believe what they heard, it was clear what the message conveyed

Dazai was in A state of pure panic, yet as silent as a needle, his fists clutched, and he forgot how to breathe and to function properly.

He scratched at his wrists, a disgusting body, filthy as it can be, unworthy of having ever been called a human, no, he was just used goods, an overused hand-me-down

Dazai then forced a smile on his lips

“Hah.. you all seem like you’ve seen a ghost!”

“Relax, it was taken out of context.”

It was a shitty excuse, but everything was so, so uncomfortable that students would force themselves to agree, surely his gabg would demand answers later, but for now.. he could relish in the lack of headache he felt, when suddenly, Blaise, out a hand on his shoulder, pale.. and looking like he was about to get sick, dragged Dazai out

And then he gave Dazai a bone crushing hug

One that Dazai did not reciprocate, feeling only numb