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"My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled."
-Patterns by Simon and Garfunkel
Things were changing for the Torrances.
It wasn’t obvious yet, and Wendy clung to every bit of normalcy she could. She had finished all her errands. It was Friday and Jack would be done with classes for the week. Even the weather was in a good mood. Yet, Wendy couldn’t help the worry that dwelled in her heart. Her apprehension only grew more as she sat in their little apartment, wrapping a little box in leftover wrapping paper.
Everything was going to change.
Wendy and Jack had graduated— her with sociology and him with English. Both of them wanted to go to graduate school, but with all the expenses they agreed to enroll Jack first, then send Wendy. But things would be different— more than they had initially planned. When Jack graduated, they couldn’t afford to send Wendy to graduate school.
As it stood, Jack’s part-time job at his university was just enough for the two of them. It paid for the necessities of two adults living together, but that was it. Wendy could only hope the next job would be better for him. As long as she wouldn’t have to go to her mother, Wendy was content.
Wendy looked down at the little box in her hands. The bright colors were a flashy reminder of the changes that were coming for the Torrances in eight or so months. Wendy quickly covered the box with the generic wrapping paper.
As she sat waiting for Jack’s arrival, Wendy thought about when to give him the gift. She didn’t want to give it to him right away in case he was in a bad mood, but she also didn’t want to take away from his late afternoon writing. Wendy definitely could not do it in the evening under any circumstances. Friday evenings were reserved for Jack to work on papers and blow off steam with people in his program—Jack never called them his friends, but Wendy thought otherwise. Wendy was at a loss for when she could break the news to him. All of this did nothing to calm her worry.
Wendy was starting to feel worse and worse. She bit her lip as it began to tremble.
It wasn’t a big deal, she told herself. Jack needed the evening to blow off steam. She never wanted them to feel cooped up in the apartment. Spending time away from each other was good, healthy even. Even if it meant leaving Wendy with only her knitting and her records…
(“You’re going to end up alone. College girls usually do.”) Her mother’s words popped hauntingly into her brain.
That wasn’t true, she thought. Wendy was married. Jack cared about her, didn’t he? He always came home before midnight. They had a baby on the way. That had to count for something.
Yet those words felt true. The more Wendy sat in silence, the more she thought about those words. The more she thought about them, the more they weighed down on her like a big, bulging bag and no matter how she arranged the contents, the result was always the same. She was alone.
Wendy’s hands were shaking. Her forehead was warm from perspiration. Her throat tightened while her stomach churned. She clasped her clammy hands over her mouth.
Wendy dashed to the bathroom. She knelt on the floor, staring into the porcelain bowl. The bulb in the bathroom flickered above her. A slight cough escaped her lips. She shifted her position to get more comfortable, then waited.
A few more weak coughs came, but nothing more. The nausea must have been a false alarm, she guessed.
(That’s a thing, right?)
Just as Wendy began to stand up, she coughed— or rather, hacked. She knelt down as her throat threatened to tighten.
Just then, Wendy heard the unmistakable squeak of the front door opening. Heavy steps hit the floor. Jack’s voice filled the apartment.
Before she could respond, her stomach lurched. The tightness in her throat jumped out of her and was replaced by a burning sensation. The putrid smell of vomit filled her nostrils. She groaned.
“Wendy?”
Jack’s footsteps drew closer to the bathroom. Wendy turned her head to find him looking in on her.
“Hi, hon,” she mumbled, managing a weak smile.
Jack stared and said nothing. His gaze did little to give away how he felt or what he was thinking. He examined the scene of Wendy knelt over the toilet bowl.
Jack took a step closer. He looked past her and grimaced. Frowning, his eyes returned to hers. “Are you… feeling all right?”
“I’m fine,” she sighed.
“You just puked,” Jack replied flatly.
“I feel better now.”
“When did you start puking?”
“I threw up this morning and—” She was cut off by Jack’s eyebrows raising.
He knows, Wendy thought to herself. He must know. Jack already had a weird way of knowing things he shouldn’t, but she had ruined the surprise by her own admission.
Jack stared at her. He didn’t say anything and just stood there, expecting her to go on.
“What?” Wendy frowned.
“You tell me,” he said.
Did he have to play games with her too? She huffed. “You’re just staring at me. I don’t know what you want.”
“Calm down.” Jack held up his hands in surrender. “I’m just trying to help you. What medicine do you need?”
Wendy took a breath. “I don’t need medicine.”
“Did you already take some?”
“I did this morning,” she said, “but it came right back up.”
Jack frowned. “How many times have you puked?”
“Three times.”
“Including just now?”
“No. Four times,” she mumbled.
“Four?” Jack echoed, his eyebrows and pitch rising. He knelt down in front of her. Jack pushed some of her hair away and pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. “Do you have a fever? Your forehead feels warm.”
“No.”
“Did you eat anything weird?”
“No, it’s just—”
“Maybe you’re dehydrated,” he decided.
“No, it’s not that.”
“Can you stand up or do you need to puke again?”
“I’m feeling better now.”
“Are you sure?” Jack asked. He held her arm to help her up. “Do you need a doctor?”
“No, not yet.”
“What do you want me to do then?” he asked. Frustration was evident in his tone. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you!”
“Nothing is wrong with me, Jack,” she assured him. This only confused Jack more.
“You’ve been puking all day, you can’t take any medicine—”
“Because I’m pregnant,” she explained.
Jack paused. “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” she repeated, slower this time.
Jack’s eyebrows furrowed, drawing lines of confusion on his face. The mental cogs were working overtime to understand the last several minutes.
“Go look on the couch,” she said.
“What?”
“It’s a surprise.”
Jack wandered out of the bathroom, dumbfounded and hesitant. While he fetched the wrapped box, Wendy pulled herself to her feet. She flushed the toilet and washed her hands and mouth.
“What is this?” he asked, holding the box awkwardly.
“Open it.”
He pulled the wrapping paper away, trying not to rip it. Jack stared at the box for a moment, then back at her.
“A pacifier?”
“For the baby,” she explained.
“Baby?” he asked with an impossibly innocent tone.
“Yes, Jack. We’re having a baby.”
His eyes widened, yet nothing else changed. Wendy’s heart thumped as she tried to decipher what his expression meant. It was akin to the vague look he had when he said he loved her for the first time. His face had the same unreadable expression when he proposed marriage. He was just as vacant when he watched her walk down the aisle with her father.
“Jack?”
“Huh?”
“How do you feel?”
He glanced at the box again. His eyes drifted over to her, lingering on her stomach. Something flickered in his eyes as he met her gaze.
Wendy smiled at him. She stepped closer. Her hand found his and squeezed it. He squeezed back, but his attention was on her stomach again.
“You’re sure?” he whispered.
Wendy nodded.
When he looked back at her, he broke into a wide smile. It scared her a little, yet it was endearing to see him so happy about the baby.
“This is…I don’t know,” he mumbled. “It’s a lot to take in. I just…”
Suddenly, Jack hugged her. He pulled her close and kissed her forehead. Wendy happily wrapped her arms around him.
He leaned back. “I think we should do something this evening.”
“Weren’t you planning on going out?”
“I was,” he said, “but I’m going to stay here instead. With you.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Wendy mumbled. She didn’t want to make him feel obligated to stay with her if he didn’t want to.
“I want to,” he said. “We should celebrate.”
“I don’t know if I can handle going anywhere.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. We’ll just stay here. You and me.” Jack smiled. One of his hands slid down to her stomach. “And the baby.”
Wendy’s heart fluttered. She watched as he methodically rubbed her stomach. It looked like he was trying to feel for any noticeable changes. There hadn’t been, but she wasn’t going to ruin that for him.
On the surface, the celebration was nothing different from a typical evening. There wasn’t a lot they could do to make it special, but that didn’t matter. Something beyond the routine made it a celebration. Perhaps it was how Jack kept her close by keeping a hand on her at all times. Maybe it was the way Wendy broke into a smile when the conversation drifted away. Whatever it was, Wendy and Jack were too busy enjoying it to put a finger on it.
The buzz of excitement slowly melted from Wendy as reality began to seep in. She stared at her lap, her eyes vacant.
Jack lightly poked her. She turned her head to look at him, but he looked away as if he hadn’t done a thing. Wendy gave him a half smile.
“Jack?” she whispered, her face turning serious.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure we can afford a baby?”
“I already told you we can.”
Wendy still wasn’t too sure. Their apartment was already tiny without a baby in the mix. A crib would take up a lot of space, not to mention all the other things they’d need to buy before and after the baby arrived.
“I’ll take care of you and the baby.” Jack moved closer to her. He gave her a kiss. “Don’t worry.”
“I’ll try.” Wendy stared at the wall in front of her. She just couldn’t shake all her worries away.
Wendy had been the first woman in her family to go to college. She was only able to go because her father had supported the idea. Her mother was completely against it.
(“Why would you go to college? You’re going to end up alone. College girls usually do.”)
But she wasn’t alone. She had Jack and the baby. Jack kept her company and the baby would keep her busy
(from what?)
The baby would need her and Jack. Her whole day would revolve around the baby. It would be just Wendy and the baby until Jack came home. Just Wendy and the baby. Wendy and the baby…
This was how it happened, she thought to herself. She had been convinced that college would make things different only to end up like most young women before her: married and at home. She could almost hear her mother taunting her.
(“See what a waste of time and money that was, Winifred? What were you even going to do with a sociology degree?”)
At least Wendy had the words to explain the circumstances that led to this. Her mother had, unsurprisingly, been a factor in it, but not in the typical way. If that had been the case, Wendy would never have gone to college in the first place, and would never have met Jack. Maybe it was how unhappy her mother had been or how her parents’ divorce panned out, but Wendy had been determined not to end up like her mother. Going to college was enough deviation, but studying sociology instead of getting an associate’s degree was practically an insult to injury. Despite all of that, Wendy still ended up—
A hand on her arm interrupted her thoughts.
“If you’re really worried,” Jack said, “we could always find you some small work to do.”
“Worried about what?”
He hesitated. “Finances…”
“I won’t be able to work for long,” she said.
“That’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”
Wendy sighed. If only he could see how silly it would be. What was the point of having a job if she would have to leave it in a few months? Even if her employer didn’t fire her, they certainly didn’t have money for daycare or a sitter. Besides, what kind of a mother would she be if she let some stranger look after her baby?
Jack took her hand. He squeezed her thumb. “She’s still got the thumbscrews on you, huh?”
“Who?”
Jack gave her a knowing glance. Wendy stared at him.
Thumbscrews. She knew exactly what he knew, but she didn’t know how he knew it. Wendy hadn’t said anything about her mother. But this was Jack and he had a weird way of knowing things he shouldn’t.
“It’s nothing.”
Jack was quiet as he looked at her. She hated when he got like that, especially when her mind was so restless.
“Jack?”
“Hm?”
“I… I’m scared,” she whispered.
“Of what?”
“Everything.” Her eyes met his. “It’s going to be so different. I don’t know how I’ll do it.”
“I’ll help you take care of the baby.”
“I know you will, but I don’t know what will happen when I’m by myself.”
“You’ll be fine.”
”I don’t mean it like that.” Wendy sighed. She searched for a better way to explain it. “I don’t know if I can stand being home all day, everyday with only a baby.”
“I thought you wanted a baby,” he said, giving her a puzzled look.
“I do! I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon,” she protested. Her voice softened. “I was supposed to go to graduate school.”
Jack frowned. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“I don’t know either,” she admitted. Wendy buried her face in her hands. Her cheeks burned against her palms.
“Are you crying?” Jack asked carefully.
“No.”
Jack wrapped his arms around her. Wendy curled up in his arms, her cheek pressed against his shoulder.
“Are you upset because you can’t go to graduate school?”
She looked up at him. “It’s the baby. I don’t know how it’s going to change me.”
“Change you?”
“What if I’m not cut out to be a mother?” Wendy asked.
Jack shifted in his seat to look at her properly. He was frowning again. “Who says you’re not? No one’s saying that, Wendy.”
“What if they do? What if I become miserable and awful?” Wendy’s eyes searched his for reassurance.
“Just because your mother turned out like that doesn’t mean you have to. As far as I’m concerned, you’ll be a much better mother than that bitch ever was,” he said firmly. “The only way you’d get that miserable is if you ended up going back to her.”
“How do you know that?”
“You’re not going back to her, right?”
Wendy shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t want to,” she mumbled.
“Exactly,” he replied. Jack leaned over and kissed her. “Now stop worrying and let’s celebrate our baby.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“But you’re happy, Wendy,” he murmured. “You’ve been happier since you stopped letting her control you.”
Of course she was happy with him. They were married. A baby was on the way. She never went to bed by herself. There was never a doubt in Wendy’s mind about how much Jack cared about her, but was this the only way to be happy?