Chapter Text
The favorite character awards were a total bust -at least for most. Zooble seemed to have enjoyed the stupid sauce. However, there was a lot of tension in the air between Pomni and Jax. After a complete blowout of an argument leading to a fight, their relationship wasn't very salvageable. They both knew that deep down.
Pomni wasn't ready to give up, however. She had slowly and accidentally found herself clinging more and more toward Jax as her time in the circus progressed. She saw him as a confusing art piece -maybe even one with a darker meaning deep down. She didn't care though; it only made her more intrigued by him. She needed to see beneath his façade. She needed to know him.
Through time spent together, little comments, and Pomni's knack for remembering the little things, she had felt extremely close to him before their fight. She had somehow softened him enough to learn his deepest fears, his true feelings about their situation, his thoughts of everybody else in the circus. She was in deep. He was an intricate puzzle in need of solving, and she thought she had finally started putting together the pieces.
She had seen his look of stress and discomfort as he abruptly exited the seats of the ceremony and ran off. She worried about him, but at this point-and especially after the fight-she knew better than to attempt to follow him. He wanted space, but truly he needed somebody. He was slowly becoming more consumed by the prospects of his eternal fate. He was losing his sense of reality. He coped by feeling fake, but he needed something real. Someone real.
After the ceremony ended, everyone returned to the circus and went their separate ways. Jax and Pomni went to their own rooms across from each other. Pomni sat and waited, wondering if there was ever a chance he'd want to talk to her again.
Jax stared up into his messy array of posters on his ceiling. He lay on an unmade bed with grey sheets draping off both sides. A dull blue LED sign lit the side of his face and flickered softly in the darkness of his unkempt room. He scooted onto his side.
"G#$!d^#$!" he attempted a mumbled curse and was frustrated when met with cartoony sound effects once again. He gripped his pillow onto the side of his face. His ears cowered down as he frowned, attempting to keep himself together.
"I have to do this," he thought to himself stubbornly.
"I can't get hurt again."
His mind went in spirals-the thoughts of loneliness and pain, the thoughts of ache and craving, the true and genuine horror at the effects of his actions. He could barely handle any of it. He was overwhelmed by anger, frustration, self-pity, and hatred. He leaned over on the other side of the bed and was left with the unsettling picture of himself in a mirror on the other side of his room.
"God, I'm pathetic," he thought to himself, quickly thrashing himself back over to ignore his pitiful reflection. He felt an overwhelming force behind his eyes—an unnatural and upsetting force. One he wasn't used to. Something he had been trained his entire life to fight against.
The warm welling sensation of tears.
He sniffed, embarrassed by his own state. He choked himself back as long as he could until his mental spiral caught up with him, and he felt no choice but to let it all out as quietly as he could into his pillow. He quietly sobbed, little sounds escaping his voice and warm tears streaming onto his pillow. He felt so weak, broken down, and pathetic. God knows nobody could see him like this-absolutely never.
That's when he heard the knock on his door. Immediate panic sprung over him. He quickly wiped his face and tried to steady his voice as much as he could before answering anyone.
"H-hey... it's me. I understand if you're not up for talking," Pomni asked from outside the door.
"P-Pomni?" Jax squeaked out, his voice cracking in the process.
Shit—he had hoped she didn't hear that and pick up on anything.
"Can I come in...?" she asked shyly.
Jax gathered up everything he had in him and began to mask once again. He was ready to tell her he was doing peachy and send her on her way.
"Uhhh, I guess if you really want to," he replied, cold and sarcastically.
Pomni rolled her eyes outside the door. Unfortunately, he could no longer fool her with his little games. Like it or not, she had broken down the façade at least enough to know that he wasn't always truthful when he said he didn't care.
She turned the handle on Jax's door and began to let herself in. She sat down next to Jax on his bed, noticing the disheveled state of the room. She didn't make any looks of judgment, but she was very familiar with the mental state that he must be in for the conditions. She didn't speak for a moment, just sat on the bed and stared at the wall for a bit. In her mind, she was reflecting on their argument and all their little moments together. Her mind also went to concern for Jax in what seemed to be a bit of a depression room.
"Soo... are you gonna say anything? Or are you just gonna sit there?" Jax let out, irritated by her silence.
"Y'know, Jax, ever since I got into this circus, I felt like I would never be able to feel anything good ever again. I felt like I'd been punished. I felt like this was hell, and I felt like I deserved it."
Jax had now become the silent one, his big exaggerated smile slowly starting to fade as he listened.
"As I've gotten to know some of the people here more, I've started to realize the only way I can try to not suffer is to accept our reality for what it is. You kinda showed me that, in a way."
Jax stared, stunned, barely showing an expression.
"I mean, you were the first one to make me, like—actually laugh. You reminded me of that bit of humanity in me. You made me feel... real again."
He reflected for a bit on her words, wondering if she meant them. If there was even a way to possibly feel real in here. If maybe he had been pushing down the fact that she also made him feel real.
"Anyways, I mostly just wanted to say that I care about you. Even if that doesn't make sense."
Jax was speechless. He also couldn't hold back the tear that blinked out with his breaking expression. He took a deep breath and made eye contact. He tried to find the words he wanted to say. Instead, he just looked at Pomni for a moment before wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her shoulder. There he lay, quietly crying without acknowledging it into her shoulder.
"Thanks, Pomni..." he finally spoke.
"You make me feel real too..." Jax let out in a relieved breath.
Pomni knew not to mention the tears. She just held him tighter so he knew she wouldn't see his face, but she could definitely tell. She was still upset about their argument, but right now, all she saw was a sad and scared rabbit who felt like nobody cared about him. She couldn't handle that thought at the moment. They'd figure the other stuff out later. As for right now, Jax just needed Pomni, and she had decided that was okay.