Chapter Text
Dead Space Pirates
First Mate: [sent a video]
[Video description: blurry and shaky phone camera footage of three others. Sitting across from Jonny is man dressed in a gothic look with a bad dye job sitting next to a black woman with curly hair and a larger man with glasses and ginger hair is sitting directly next to Jonny. There is a fourth person standing up wearing a Hawaiian shirt; it seems like Jonny is trying his best to angle the shot to get the man in the frame as much as possible without him noticing. All of them expect for the goth man have the same circle shaped scars somewhere on them.
Tim: "So these FUCKS the Mechanisms can't even make their own fucking original melody it's all just reused shit. They have such a cool name and for WHAT! Actually scratch that the Mechanisms isn't even that cool of a name. Don't bloody get me started on the fact these bitches don't even sing half the time and just speak normally with music playing in background, what kind of band does that???"
There are nods of agreement of everyone else there while it seems as though Jonny is trying his best not to laugh as the footage gets more shaky.
Gerry: "I went to one of their concerts before just to kill time on a book hunt and it was so bad I blacked the whole thing out of my memory."
You can barely hear Jonny mumble "that's probably for the best". No one seems to have heard what Jonny said.
Tim: "I swear the only good thing that they did was killing off all their characters, I swear if I had to put up with them more-"
Sasha: "Then why didn't you just stop listening to them?"
Tim: "Because Sasha, my brother was obsessed with them and play with 24/7 on the speakers in the living room."]
Freaky about ships: omg do they know
First Mate: they don't
First Mate: i had to excuse myself half way thru his rants to die in the washroom
Merlin*: i would simply die from embarrassment if i shit talked my co worker's own band to their face without them realizing
Lyf simp: and not just any old member but the whole ass lead singer too
Merlin*: yh no one at my work place would hear from me again after that
Only cop we respect: r u sure they really don't know
First Mate: they dont i firmly believe that all my co workers think i'm as straight as a needle
What the Hell is that?: Jonny Being Straight Is Something That Came Right Out Of An Alternate Nightmare Universe Where Ours Is Written Just As Badly As Supernatural.
Freaky about ships: thx Jonny the image of u being straight made me throw up in my mouth a little
Lyf simp: I wouldn't be surprised if our world turned out to be a tumblr blog where a bunch of teens decided to make Supernatural gay
First Mate: now y would u say that Marius
Lyf simp: felt like it
Worksinanormalarchive: honestly some times it really does feel like killing off everyone was the best thing we ever did especially after everything with the Doc
Worksinanormalarchive: but on a more silly note did u not say anything at all???
First Mate: no i literally just sat there and tried my darnest not to bust out laughing
Moon go brrr: thr better question is how in actual hell did u manage to convince these ppl ur straight
Moon go brrr: Hawaiian shirt over there looks like he has a gaydar of a god
First Mate: simple
First Mate: i made them believe that i have no personality whatsoever by consistently yapping about professionalism and killing the mood
First Mate: now they think i'm the only cishet in the office
Moon go brrr: now y would u want that?
First Mate: cus it's funny
Merlin*: r u not the same person who literally threw up when someone assumed u were cishet back in our second year of uni?
Freaky about ships: dont ever speak about of that accursed second year
Only cop we respect: the only good thing that came out of second year is that we all met each other and decided to form the mechs
First Mate: remember what Greogie said about how the second half of her first year of uni was just a blur to her?
First Mate: yh that was me but with second year
Freaky about ships: exactly we were so fucking depressed
Merlin*: I had a great time in second year :(
First Mate: maybe u did but i sure as hell didn't
Theonlymadscienist: i'm pretty sure coming down to the time of Death to the Mechanisms the hospital knew us all on a first name basis
Workinanormalarchive: they still do :(
First Mate: they still do :(
Merlin*: wdym they still do
Worksinanormalarchive: I fell down the stairs at work a while back and the nurse addressed me as the archivist of the aurora
First Mate: after the man eating worms attacked my work the emt called me 'first mate d'ville'
First Mate: I swear I felt my soul leave my body
First Mate: so i just went fight or flight and immediately responded with 'it's captain to you'
What the Hell is that?: Oh I Heard About That Sad To See Jane Go She Barely Made It A Decade.
First Mate: y am i not surprised to find out u know jane prentiss
Moon go brrr: i was about to act surprised that TS knows prentiss but then i remembered it's nikki ofc it knows the worm demon
Theonlymadscientist: hi what the hell r u going on about?
First Mate: my work got attacked by a worm lady as in she is housing a whole colony of worms in her body by the name of jane prentiss but we killed her using the co2 fire suppression system
Moon go brrr: and guess who was one of the exterminators called in to deal with the situation? me
Moon go brrr: and i was the one who had the unpleasant job of burning her body cus whoever in charge thought pest control was better suited to handle it
Only cop we respect: it got so bad passerbys called the police cus they could hear screaming and yelling coming from the inside
Only cop we respect: so daisy and i were also unfortunate enough to witness all that bullshit go down
Lyf simp: jon u work at that magnus place right?
First Mate: yup
Lyf simp: ah so that's what that was about i heading back into work from lunch when i look down the street and there was just a set of ambulances and pest control ppl surrounding the mag
Theonlymadscientist: man what kind of crossover this is?
Merlin*: right we need more mechs involved in this get the whole crew involved in the worm business
Freaky about ships: no seriouly we got Jonny D'ville staring as one of the worm victims, Gunpowder Tim as one of the heroes who sly the worms, Ashes O'Reilly as an investigator coming to check out what's happening and then we have fucking Marius over here standing down the street looking at this going 'huh wonder what's that all about'
Worksinanormalarchive: dont forget Toy Soldier who knows the worm villain on a first name basis and never told anyone
Only cop we respect: the world truly is a small place
First Mate: we could make a song about this and it would fit with literally everything else
Freaky about ships: Jonny we stopped making songs for a reason dont tempt fate
Theonlymadscientist: yh sometimes i swear i can still hear that bloody song
Merlin*: Raphie pls tell me ur joking
Lyf simp: Raph pls say that aint true i just started seeing clients as an actual licensed therapist i dont need to worry about supernatural induced homicidal rage
First Mate: i'm still on the train going home with one of my coworkers and i accidentally startled her by bolting upright and checking around all our surroundings
Moon go brrr: raph when i say that triggered my fight or flight responses i mean it
What the Hell is that?: Even I Got A Full Body Shiver Reading That Old Chap
Freaky about ships: raph pls
Worksatanormalarchive: y just y
Only cop we respect: I'm not embarrassed to say that I screamed out loud when I read that Raph
Theonlymadscientist: on careful reconsideration I think i was being delusional and never really heard that stupid song
First Mate: u better be delusional
Lyf simp: WAIT A MINUTE
Moon go brrr: oh no more worm business
Lyf simp: HIM!! [Screenshot of the goth guy Jonny was sitting across from in the video]
Lyf simp: I KNOW HIM
First Mate: okay how do u know Gerry?
Lyf simp: I'm his therapist
First Mate: oh
First Mate: I'm sorry
Lyf simp: dont be i've had worse patients
Worksinanormalarchive: didnt u just start how have u had worse already?
Lyf simp: my first ever client was a pedophile
Worksinanormalarchive: oh yh that's definitely worse
Moon go brrr: hey i had an idea y dont u play our music in the background during ur next session with him and see how long it takes for him to comment on it
Lyf simp: i can already hear what he'll say
Lyf simp: he'll probably say something along the lines 'respectfully ur taste in music is shit'
First Mate: no knowing Gerry he wouldn't say it so polite he already a weird love hate relationship with the fact that he actually wants to do therapy and get better especially with Gertrude seeming pleased with his decision to do therapy
What the Hell is that?: Ew Nasty A Gr*tr*de Mention.
First Mate: nikki what beef do u have with my boss
What the Hell is that?: She Stole My Family's Calliope >:(
Freaky about ships: hey jonny y the fuck is ur boss stealing people's circus instruments
First Mate: i dont even know how she became the head archivist with that fuckass system of hers let alone the stealing
What the Hell is that?: I Want My Calliope back :(
Worksinanormalarchive: shouldnt there be like official channels to go thru to get it back?
What the Hell is that?: She Keeps Stopping Me And The Others From Getting It Back.
Worksinanormalarchive: u know what I'm not surprised at all jonny has told me enough horror stories about that place it makes sense they're preventing ppl from reclaiming stolen propriety
First Mate: we could always steal it back
First Mate: especially with both Marius and Jordan being so close the 4 of us r more then enough to just take it back
Freaky about ships: ah good old jonny 'crime is my favorite pastime' sims strikes again
What the Hell is that?: That Would Be Wonderful Old Chap! :D
Lyf simp: oh not so sure about considering i'm ur coworker's therapist and before that u assholes voluntold me into giving everyone including my own statement there so there's good chance i might get recognized
First Mate: i would have forgotten about that statement if Sasha didn't accidentally find it then accidentally drop only to have a mountain of paper follow suit
Lyf simp: i mean it was a combined statement of 10 ppl it was bound to be long
First Mate: i'm certain that statement will be the last to get sorted just cus of the sheer length of it
Lyf simp: and it wouldn't be like that if u actually came in to give ur own statement instead of fucking off to Russia for spring break at the last minute
Lyf simp: JONNY NASYTA NIKKE SCUZZ
Theonlymadscientist: y r u calling out scuzz like she can respond?
Lyf simp: I'm making a point
First Mate: look it was either downing enough cough medicine to drop a horse or going to Russia to like a week at most with Nasyta and Nikke's family
Freaky about ships: y did u say that like my family aint ur family as well
Moon go brrr: i thought y'all weren't actually related
First Mate: Nast's grandma genuinely thinks i'm one of her grandchildren
Freaky about ships: we committed to the bit too hard now both of our extended family's think we're blood related 😭
First Mate: deadass my cousin Carlos, the one who lives in America and complained to me for 6 hours straight about all the clocks in the town he lives in not working, thinks that Nastya is actually my sister
Only cop we respect: in his defense u and Nast did know each other since fucking primary school so it's an easy mistake
Moon go brrr: takes me back to when jonny's grandmamma had a whole moral panic thinking i was going to impregnant him just cus i held hands with him back in form 1 💀
First Mate: I remember that like grandma chill out we're 11
Freaky about ships: she also thought the same about me back in standard 2
Merlin*: nah standard 2 that's crazy
Theonlymadscientist: i dont recall ever knowing what sex was at that age
Freaky about ships: back then all i knew was good touch bad touch and for some reason ships are hot
Theonlymadscientist: Nastya ur the only one who thinks that
What the Hell is that?: Not To Rush Anyone But What About My Steam Organ? :(
Lyf simp: ah yes that whole thing
Lyf simp: jonny does the blond beanpole of man whose height should be illegal still work in the archives?
First Mate: nope haven't met anyone with that description my entire time working in the archives
Lyf simp: he was the one to take my statement so the old lady is the only one i'm in danger of recognizing me
What the Hell is that?: Oh You Meant She Who Makes People's Lives Hell, Marius?
Lyf simp: yh she checked on us at the beginning and got really concerned when she realized i was still there after 6 hours
Worksinanormalarchive: i mean i would be too
First Mate: as long as we avoid her we should be fine
First Mate: I assure artifact storage employees dont give a shit anymore i have dated both a guy and a girl from there and one of my fellow archival assistants used to work there they will moan about the paperwork but secretly they're glad they have one less thing to worry about killing them if they let their guard down
Only cop we respect: man and they still think ur as straight as a board?
First Mate: it's become somewhat of a game to me how many hints can i drop before they figure out i've been trolling the entire time
First Mate: currently i have one of the gayest picture of myself and Jordan on display on my desk
Moon go brrr: oh which one we have so many
First Mate: the one that wouldn't get me in trouble with HR
Moon go brrr: ah so the one where u r straddling me while doing my makeup
First Mate: yes that one
Only cop we respect: u know we have more risky photos together that r more obvious then that one that wouldnt get u in trouble with hr right?
First Mate: yh but we co workers think ur cishet as well
Only cop we respect: ew
What the Hell is that?: Do Your Co Workers Think Everyone They Aren't Mates With Is Cishet?
First Mate: looks like it
First Mate: but i will be adding a photo of all of us at a show monday when i get into work
First Mate: anyways Marius, Jordan we on for Monday to steal back nikke's calliope back
Lyf simp: as long as we avoid ur boss
Moon go brrr: yh i'm always down for crimes
Only cop we respect: wish i could be there but i have patrol Monday with no way to avoid it 😔
Merlin*: count me in as well i should be in london by then
What the Hell is that?: :DDDD
What the Hell is that?: I'll Wait For You Nearby
First Mate: 😈
Moon go brrr: 😈
Lyf simp: 😈
Merlin*: 😈
Official Archive Work Chat
Monday 1:30 pm
Gertrude R. : It has come to my attention that one of the artifacts we store here has gone missing if anyone does something please information either myself or Alison Dare, Head of Artifact Storage.
Tim S. : idk boss i find it hard to believe anyone would steal something from there u sure it wasn't misplaced?
Sasha J. : Tim I know the people who work there they wouldn't misplace anything that could dangerous
Martin B. : Please tell me it wasn't anything dangerous
Gerry K. : it was a calliope which can be dangerous in the wrong hands
Jon S. : That's deeply concerning.