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Pomni’s week has been bad. And it is all Pomni’s fault.
Oh, and of course, Jax’s—but she feels like she can’t even blame him for it. Don’t get her wrong, she’s not over how he’d treated her, the genuinely hurtful things he’d said to her. She wished she’d gotten a few more hits in, just to make him realize how dumb he was being, but thinking about their fight just made her feel sort of sad. Because, at the end of the day, she had cracked into Jax a little. And for much that he insisted that there was nothing to see there… she couldn’t help but to get hooked.
And it made her sad how much he didn’t want her to do that.
That’s why she couldn’t bring herself to look at him anymore. He made her sad, with his stupid silence and crestfallen bunny ears. The fight had clearly taken as much out of him as it did out of her.
Finding Gumigoo again hadn’t helped, really. Her emotions were already all jambled up, the presence of the alligator—the first friendly face she really felt she could trust—had just messed her up even more.
Even in her deep feelings, she couldn’t brush away the weight of Jax’s stare. It felt like they were both mourning, in a way.
“What’s his problem?” Gumigoo had scoffed, staring at Jax’s retreating figure. Pomni’s eyes also followed him, forcing herself not to tear up. She hated how easy she could tear up.
“He’s angry with me,” Pomni murmurs quietly. Despite knowing better, it feels so nice to be able to talk about it with someone who cares to listen. He liked everyone else well enough, but they’d all chalk it up to Jax being Jax, because no one could imagine Jax being nice to hang out with. Ragatha had plainly told her that she didn’t know what she thought she’d get by sticking with Jax.
It made her kind of sick to think about, knowing everyone else is so nice… but he really is the only company she enjoyed at all.
Pomni couldn’t help it. “I… we had a fight. It was ugly, and I think I messed up somehow, but he also hurt me a lot. We aren’t really talking right now.”
Gumigoo makes an understanding sound, looking at her with an apprehensive smile. “Ah, that reckons. Love ain’t the easiest thing, right?”
She can’t help but to choke on air. “What—huh—hello?”
“Oh, my bad, mate,” he apologies, shaking his hands in front of her as if to say nevermind . “He just seemed, ahem, annoyed at us for other reasons. I had a feeling it was something more… well, I don’t know.”
“Well, it’s not ,” she repeats, feeling her face heat up rapidly the more she thinks about it.
The idea of Jax being jealous is so…
No . She can’t even entertain it. He doesn’t even want to be friends! She shakes her head, forcing herself to forget all about it.
“Right. My mistake,” Gumigoo repeats. The air between them is awkward.
Pomni can’t stop thinking about it. It’s maddening, how much the idea has stuck to whatever mimicked her brain in this mind space. She shouldn’t indulge, really. But she had always been too curious for her own good, exactly what brought her to this stupidly crazy place.
“...Is there any reason you thought that?” She asks, willing her own voice to sound disinterested. Gumigoo stare tells her he’s anything but fooled, but he obliges with her silly request. Honestly, this is why he's the best.
“Well… I really don’t know what’s going between you two,” he starts, apologetic. “But by the way he was looking at me, I thought he’d rather shoot me for helping you get around. And that he was just a bit shy to let you know, miss.”
Pomni digests these words quietly. Truly, the last word he’d refer to Jax with was shy… but he had been down all week, barely throwing quips in. She missed his stupid comments, as much as she loathes to admit, the ones where he’d dip down to her level and whisper. Like she was special. Like she’d care if anyone else got that close to her.
She nods. It’s a bit of a reach, really, but it makes her chest warm the smallest amount. “Thanks, big guy.”
—
Ragatha looks like she’s dying to ask, so Pomni’s gaze just meets her eye with a bored expression and lets her out of her misery. “What’s up?”
“Is everything good with Jax?” She asks, looking embarrassed about her own enthusiasm.
“We haven’t really talked since…” she mutters, rolling her head in case that’ll help with the headache she feels coming in. Everything about this situation keeps stressing her out. Most presently, how invested Ragatha and Gangle seem to be in it.
“But—you two were together in today’s adventure!” She exclaims, like Pomni wasn’t there to witness Jax walk away .
“Yeah, I’m not gonna lie, it didn’t mean much,” she says, rolling her eyes. Then, the way Ragatha said those words hit her. “Wait, did you plan that?”
“ I didn’t,” she claims, offended. Then, her own voice lowers in strength. “Gangle said it would help…”
Pomni groans into her hands. “Honestly, I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“I’m sorry!” Gangle, who appears to her right without making any noise, and thus, scares the shit out of Pomni, says with a teary face. “I just—it really seems like a good solution!”
Pomni groans again. She feels her face heat up against her best judgement. “This really isn’t necessary,” she tells them, as sincerely as she can.
“That’s what I keep trying to tell Gangle!” Ragatha says, her usual tone of disgust at being confronted with anything Jax making itself present. It makes a sensation similar to goosebumps travel through Pomni’s body. “He’s only ever mean to you, and me, and everyone!”
“Well, that’s not—” Pomni starts, before another set of wails interrupt her words. Gangle is hutched over, her ribbons tied into themselves.
“ That’s why I worry. He’s been leaving us alone for a week,” Gangle says, her mask trembling with the strength of her sobs. “I hate when he messes with me, believe me, but I don’t want anyone to—to abstract.”
What a way to kill the mood. Pomni’s mind goes into overdrive again, thinking about her first day here, the way her hand had glitched in and out of existence, the monster destroying every code in its path, Ragatha—
I’d move on, Jax’s voice tells her with glee. And probably forget about you.
She won’t cry about it. She won’t .
“He’s not going to abstract,” she says, with conviction. Despite their recent hang ups, she won’t let it happen. Ragatha and Gangle side-eye her, with different levels of trust in their eyes.
“I know I don’t really know much about what happens before,” she tells them, feeling her jaw tighten. “But I know he’s strong.”
Ragatha scoffs. “I guess you can give him that…”
Pomni doesn’t dignify that with a response. “We could just, I don’t know, invite him to hang out or something? If that’d help, Gangle. It may bring him out of his moping zone.”
“Yeah… yeah!” Gangle smiles, as best as she can with her sad mask on.
—
After all it’s said and done, Pomni feels her own body walk towards her room, rather than willingly take herself there. She brushes off Gangle and Ragatha with small words, her mind too stuck in Jax’s outburst to really talk with them.
Her chest feels too tight. I can’t believe Gumigoo was right chanting inside her skull, barely letting her think. She thinks she’s out of it, a little. And Jax may always keep her there, right on her toes, proving how she can’t imagine what his next move will be.
She’s left standing in front of her own door, struggling to understand anything. He doesn’t care, then he does, and he makes her feel all these stupid things about him and for him and—
And, you know that? Fuck that.
She turns her body around, a maniac energy to her movements as she bangs her fist against Jax’s door. Pomni has had enough of everything about this, about him getting the last word in and not even letting her react. There’s so many feelings simmering inside of her that are just about to boil over and she doesn’t care if he doesn’t care, goddammit, he’ll deal with it.
He opens his door with a jank, and she almost falls over as she can’t correct her knocking soon enough.
“What do you want,” Jax scowls, his eyes rolled up in annoyance.
“What do you want?” She asks back, a bit nonsensically. It seems like he wasn’t aware it was Pomni who knocked, because his eyes scroll down with such urgency it looks silly. He’s so prone to dramatic faces, and it always leaves her a little amused. She bites back the smile, like she’s been doing all week.
“What—” He asks, a bit too loud, before rolling his eyes and changing his expression into the blank state Pomni has started to dread. Knowing it’s an act makes her feel a bit sick.
“You came to my door, you answer,” he says, after a few seconds of neither of them breaking the silence.
“I don’t—I can’t believe you keep doing that,” she says, forcing her mind to focus. “The saying [BEEP]ed up stuff and then walking away.”
He seems unimpressed by her confrontation, leaning against the doorframe with a half lidded eyes. “Get used to it, that’s all there is.”
“Okay, but it’s not,” she says, resisting the urge to laugh out of sheer surprise at how nonchalant he’s being. It’s honestly really stupid to witness. “What you said—what you implied—what the hell was that?”
His eyes cloud, his face falling down even further from disappointment to plain disgust. “You’re smart, Pompom. You figure it out.”
“No, like, I know,” Pomni says, ignoring the way the nickname feels like a bullet passes through her. “But I’m just so confused because where did you get that?”
Jax looks even more pissed. He doesn’t even answer, the ends of his mouth curving so much it almost looks like a pout.
“I’m serious,” Pomni insists. The more she thinks about it, the more ridiculous it seems. “I don’t know where you even started to think that way. Gumigoo is just—yes, I was surprised to find him, but he wasn’t like, I wouldn’t change him for you, or anyone here. I know…,” she sobers up, thinking about those few seconds where he understood , and mourning it. “I know he isn’t a person. And even if he was, I wouldn’t want you gone. I’d never want you gone.”
Jax scowl smooths out, leaving nothing but a very tiny mouth and big, big eyes staring into her soul . It reminds Pomni of a story she’d read once, before the circus. But Mr. Bunny, what big eyes you have. To better see you? It was something amongst those lines.
“I don’t want you to be gone , and I didn’t want you to think that I would, that’s why I came here,” she sighs. Ultimately, while she still feels the urge to berate him for being stupid, it can wait. “That was all.”
She turns to leave, all her energy depleted by her small outburst, before she feels a hand reach out to her own and grab it. He doesn’t jank it, like she’d expect him to, but rather just holds on tight.
“Wait,” he mumbles, voice raw.
She turns her head to the sound, finding Jax hunched over and holding onto the doorframe for dear life, like he was struggling to stay up. Whatever it is that mimics her heart palpitations picks up, turning around and finding Jax’s face where it is tucked towards the floor.
“You kept ignoring me this week,” Jax says, and it sounds so fragile Pomni wants to—she doesn’t know. He’s so confusing. She’s entranced by it, for her detriment.
“I thought we were, like, mad at each other,” she explains, shrugging a little. “I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me .”
“Oh, [BEEP],” Jax breathes out.
It happens slowly at first—his face meets Pomni’s—then all at once. His knees give up, and she does her best to keep his torso up. “Jax, you’re freaking me out a little,” she whispers, looking around into the empty hallway in case there was someone near to help. But nobody was around and, either way, it may be for the best. His body was still too much for her to carry, though.
Except… she has loathed to think about that day, but something that stuck with her was Jax’s lesson about how this world not being real gave them powers. Maybe if I think I can carry him, she thinks on the verge of panic, I will actually be able to.
She breathes in, breathes out. Remember how Jax had looked at her as she used the gun with confidence. Then she thinks, he can’t be that heavy.
He locks her knees and pushes up. He comes with.
It’s easier than she thought, dragging him inside and throwing him into his bed. Jax, oddly enough, is easy to manhandle, and just ends up sitting on the bed with his wide eyes still taking her in, though they are not as malicious as she’d expected them to be.
They’re just… sort of cute.
“Are you okay?” She asks, frowning. Jax doesn’t look like he’s willing to give her anything more, just studies her face with his big eyes. She lets him take his fill, willing herself not to flush or do anything dumb, like scratch that spot between his ears that looks terribly soft.
She’s still mad at him for being an asshole, he doesn’t deserve to get pets. Even if she really wants to.
After a while, he reboots again. Except this time he doesn’t make her face that blank smile and stare, but rather, his pupils just sort of look tired, and his smile can barely pass as that. “I, uh. Sorry about that, then. You can go, Poms.”
She can’t believe him.
“What, so you can go back to pretend nothing happened tomorrow?” She asks, and his ears flatten like he’s chastised. “I don’t think so.”
She smiles a little, though. “But thanks for apologizing. Now I just want to know… why.”
“Why what,” he scoffs, looking away. Pomni takes the chance to take in a bit of Jax’s room, even if it’s darker than her own. She takes notes of the amount of blankets and pillows on his bed with small satisfaction.
“Why did you say that,” she reminds him, rolling her eyes and sitting beside him on the bed. His blankets are soft . She wonders if he chose them with that function. He wants to know what other secrets this room across hers holds.
“I said many things,” he mutters, looking away.
“Do you really think I would replace you?” Pomni asks, gently. Her right hand ends up centimeters away from Jax’s, and she doesn’t notice this until he spreads it and their pinkies touch. She wants to reach out.
“I don’t think anyone is particularly thrilled at having me here, no,” he scoffs. “I know what they say about me.”
“Well… you are mean to them, sometimes,” Pomni answers, because she doesn’t feel like she should lie about that. And, in the interest of being sincere, she continues. “But I wouldn’t change you. I think that it’s refreshing that someone can always point out the bull[BEEP]. And—I did really like being evil buddies with you.”
Jax freezes. His chest moves impossibly fast, all of the sudden, and Pomni’s face falls. “Jax,” she says, confused once again.
“It’s just—don’t you see it, Pomni? I’m not—this is who I am,” he says, his voice trembling just like his body shakes next to her. “It may be quirky, or funny, right now, but this is who I am . I don’t—it doesn’t ever change. Everyone else has already realized what I do, and it’s fine , but with you, I know it won’t last but this last week sucked, and I’m stupidly happy you’re here, but I can’t stop thinking about when I’ll [BEEP] it up again.”
“Have you considered,” she says, her heart on her throat. “Not trying so hard to push me away?”
“I can’t,” Jax gasps out. He seems to hide in the darkness, but slowly Pomni’s eyes have gotten used to it and she can see more and more just how scared he looks. “I can’t—it doesn’t work like that.”
“What do you mean?” She asks, gently. She can feel her own anger and resentment fade away, much to her chagrin. How can she stay mad when he looks so upset?
She’s reminded of their last seconds of conversation. “You told me to stop looking, but I can’t,” she confesses quietly, finally gathering the courage to put her hand on top of his. It makes him turn to look at where their bodies touch, in awe. “I wasn’t trying to ignore you, I was just so sad. Every time I looked at you I could just think about the things you said, and I know they were lies, but they still hurt a lot. Even if they were a little dumb, or cringe.”
The words shock him out of his staring. “ Cringe?! ”
“The lines about being your toys were so cringe,” she deadpans.
“Oh [BEEP],” he stifles a giggle. “I don’t think I even remember that. I was just throwing things to the wall, hoping it’d stick.”
The confession raises a weight Pomni didn’t know she was carrying from her shoulders. “Some of it did,” she says, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can forget some of them.”
He stares at her, quietly. “Would saying sorry even… do anything?” He asks, looking grim. It makes her smile, despite himself. He’s trying, she thinks.
“It’s a start,” she admits. “It’s okay, you’re taking baby steps.”
“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Jax mutters, but he’s smiling. A real smile. Pomni feels like a winner.
There’s another thing, though…
“Say, with all that, I just can’t help but to think,” she asks, moving impossibly closer to Jax. “Why Gumigoo?”
Jax’s scowl makes a comeback. “What about him?”
She decides to just go for it. Worst comes to worst, he’ll just laugh at her. “Did you know he thought you were jealous?”
“Say that again?” His jaw drops. Pomni has to hide a giggle behind her hands.
“You heard me,” she says. “What do you think about that?”
“Why would I give a [BEEP] about what a stupid NPC has to say?” Jax asks, crossing his arms and pouting away. He's not selling his indifference. Pomni wonders, a little pleased, if it’s something reserved for when they’re alone.
“I don’t know, I think he made a few points,” she continues. Jax turns again to look at her, betrayed. “You were pretty preoccupied looking at us…”
“I—Pomni,” he sort of wails.
“So you weren’t jealous,” she says, pretending to be disappointed. His eyes stick to her face, studying it again.
“I don’t get jealous,” Jax affirms. He’s slowly coming back to the loveable and overconfident asshole she likes to hang out with.
“So,” she continues, to meet his bluff, “you wouldn’t care if I kissed him.”
The temperature of the room drops .
“W—what?” He asks, dumbfounded. He recovers quickly, his slumped body suddenly growing in height. “What do you—you kissed him?” His hand, which until this moment had rested idly under Pomni’s, springs to life and grabs her closer.
“What does it matter to you?” she asks, rolling her eyes dramatically.
“Did you actually?” He asks, again, like he can’t bear it. The grip on her hand is strong, but not hurtful.
“I didn’t,” she admits, a little embarrassed about how affected he looks. I’m a little blind, she thinks. “But you—”
He cuts her off with a kiss. It’s nothing more than a chaste press of lips, but it overrides whatever system is being used to keep her conscious here and all she can think about for a few seconds is Jax . It’s over before it even starts, with Jax jumping away from her the second it’s over.
“[BEEP]. [BEEP], [BEEP], [BEEP],” he curses out, staring at her from the other end of the bed like he has never seen her before. Pomni just sits on her side of the bed, bringing her hand to her lips in shock.
“Jax?” She asks, quietly.
“[BEEP], I’m, I don’t know—” Jax says, freaking out on her once again. She can see the way his wires are turning, and she thinks about how his instinct to anything remotely good is to lash out.
“Shut up,” she says. He does, with a small click of his jaw. His lips are pressed together and, God save her, she thinks he’s the cutest thing she has ever seen.
She moves slowly towards where he had cornered himself, giving him ample time to stop her. He just stares.
“You really like looking at me, huh?” She asks with a small smile, sitting on his lap with only a little embarrassment. Her excitement overrides any other feeling she may get.
Jax just nods, meekly. She wants to ask him why he’s shy now, why he feels like he needs to ruin this when this is the only thing that makes sense out of anything else in the circus, why he’s so mean to everyone including her except when he isn’t . She doesn’t say any of that in case it breaks the small spell that seems to have befallen him.
“Can I,” she asks, instead. “Do that again?”
The room is quiet for a few precious seconds, and Pomni notices how harshly he’s breathing again. She’s about to take it back when he stands up, again, and moves his hand on the back of her head to lean her in, making their lips press properly this time.
It’s electric now. She can feel him in the way he moves his mouth, strong and alive and passionate, like he’d rather be eating her. She remembers that rhyme, once again. Why did Mr Bunny have such a big mouth? To eat her better… She gives back with everything she has, and if it isn’t enough she wouldn’t be able to tell with the noises that he makes in return. Some of the anger that hasn’t managed to frazzle out from before slips into the kiss, making it wild. Or maybe that’s just what Jax is. Either way, she’s addicted, and the second she feels the need to lean back for a breather, she’s immediately back in.
How will she ever stay away now?