Work Text:
It was hot, everything around him was burning with steam, and he could barely see, barely hear over the dull rumble, and he couldn't see anything over the smoke that reached into his soul. He felt like he was walking on lava, everything was boiling, everything melted at his touch, and he was terrified of melting inside himself! His own mind was on fire, he felt the sun taking over every limb, every repressed part of him bursting forth with strength and cunning for the worst purpose he could imagine! Ironic, isn't it? The man who abhors guns, becoming a walking firearm ready to explode! Everything was crumbling to ash in his own mind, he was turning to ash! Heading towards darkness, his fall, his death, the end of his soul, culminating in coal so that the sun could take its place, as if he were the remains that a phoenix uses to transform itself! Everything was fading away, everything was disappearing, his memories, his thoughts, his feelings, everything was melting away... and suddenly he hears a scream, coming from outside, coming from a person, Not just anyone, the most important person to him at that moment, the person he was most worried about, the only one who could break whatever trance he was stuck in, Martha! He quickly tried to see over the smokescreen that threatened to consume him, he tried to override his mind over the sun, he fought for control just so he could get away from her, give her time to escape! "Humans! You drained me, used me, took the worst of me, and now... you will all pay!” he heard the sun say, reverberating from within him like thunder! Shaking everything around him and sounding so much like his own voice, coming out of his own mouth like spewed venom! "NO!" He screamed, trying at all costs to make himself present, to make himself visible, trying to overpower the sun in his mind or at least talk to him. "Don't do this to her! She didn't do anything, she's not with them, she's innocent!” But the sun ignored him, or even heard him. He was fading out of his own existence at the same time that when the sun advanced beneath Martha, he had never felt so aware of his senses! The doctor screamed loudly within himself, "STOP! PLEASE STOP!" He felt as if the living sun were laughing at him in his suffering. He could see through his eyes once more, he could feel each of his limbs, but he still had no control whatsoever! He felt like he was being forced to watch this, to do this. He was going through the most horrible kind of torture and there was no escape. He felt the sun at the roots of his mind, keeping what was left of him still in place, forcing him to be aware of what was about to happen! He tried to scream for it to stop, tried to scream at Martha herself to run away, but only the sun's voice came from his own mouth. "You're all going to burn!” He spoke loud and clear, as if in a mixture of pleasure and anger, and the doctor could see Martha's terrified look as she tried to escape from his arms, how much she begged him to regain consciousness, her tears streaming down her eyes, which were barely visible with all the sweat covering her beautiful face, but he could see it, he could feel the terrible weight of being the one who was making her feel this way. "I'm begging you, anyone but her, please! I'll do anything you want, please!" the doctor pleaded desperately. But once again, he was not answered. And the most horrible thing happened: he felt the soft skin of Martha's neck in his hands, he could feel the pressure he applied as he squeezed it tightly, he could sense how much he was blocking her breathing and hurting her at the same time, he could feel her go limp against his hands, like lava spreading and destroying everything around. But the only destruction he could see was that of their two hearts breaking at the same time! Her eyes fluttered, she looked at him one last time, terrified, disappointed, hurt, and whispered just one word: "Doctor..." and she fell into unconsciousness, fainting instantly. The doctor let out an internal scream that could crack walls, he felt like he was crying like he had never cried in his life, but all that came out of his mouth, still possessed by the sun, was "BURN WITH ME MARTHA!"
"MARTHA!" He screamed desperately as he woke up in his room in the TARDIS, dark and lonely. Regaining consciousness, he realized he was just having a nightmare, a very, VERY bad one! He ran his hands through his hair trying to calm himself. He was very sweaty and his eyes were full of tears, and he trembled slightly, trying to erase from his mind the feeling of Martha fainting in his hands. It was so real! Shaking his head, he got out of bed and went to Martha's room. He knew he shouldn't, he knew it wasn't a good time, but he had to see her, he HAD TO! Then, taking a deep breath, he opened the door to her room and saw her still sleeping peacefully in her bed, her face perfectly relaxed and her breathing even. He let out a soft sigh of relief and knelt beside her bed, watching her, waiting for his own breathing to return to normal. He then saw one of Martha's arms fall off the bed, slightly tilted toward where he was kneeling, and as if in invitation, he lightly held her hand there. She didn't wake, just sighed softly and smiled slightly, as if unconsciously happy for him to hold her hand. The doctor felt himself crying again as before, he lightly squeezed her hand like an anchor to hold on to, like something to lean on. She was it, she was what kept him there, he couldn't lose her! He couldn't. He looked at her again; she was so beautiful, so calm and serene! He smiled fondly, though when his gaze dropped to her neck, flashes of what happened in his nightmare made him want to shrink away from her, as if his touch burned her. But he really did, didn't he? Look what he did to her, how much he hurt her by comparing her to Rose and not being able to assimilate her feelings for him, or even his own feelings for her! Look how close he came to losing her all those times, but especially that last time with the sun. He could have destroyed her! "You Wil!" A voice that sounded very similar to the sun in his nightmare spoke. "Look at her, so young, so beautiful, so full of dreams, that's how you find them before you reduce them to ashes, isn't that right, doctor?” He began to sob in his cry. "All you ever do is destroy, you're much more lethal than me…” The doctor lowered his head in defeat. It was true, he had destroyed so many lives, and he couldn't imagine what that would do to Martha! How he could destroy the bright future of a beautiful young medical student! He felt trapped. He should have let her go after she helped him at the hospital, continued his life as usual, not gotten involved, not followed her, not invited her to go with him under the pretense that it meant nothing because he KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING THAT IT WASN'T TRUE! He should have left Martha out of his life and put himself out of hers, and yet... he couldn't see himself without her from the moment he saw her. He couldn't move on without her beautiful smile for him and without seeing her eyes shining with excitement whenever they arrived in a new world or time! He needed her... he love...oh, what was he thinking? He looked at the young woman's hand that he still held in his and knew he would never be able to part with her if he wanted to, even if he wouldn't admit why, not even to himself. He would keep her with him even though deep down he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't find the strength to move on with his life without her. Moving on without her presence suddenly seemed so meaningless, and that's why the realization that he was so close to actually losing her, especially because of himself, was SO scary! And he put himself in that danger to save her, but he was so close to destroying her even more! He caressed her hand with the same tenderness he'd caressed her face when he'd first kissed her. That woman would destroy him before he could do anything to her, he was sure of it, or so he hoped. He'd surrendered more than he ever thought he would to anyone; she was his downfall. But a pang struck his twin hearts at the thought that he was nothing more than the person who would end his life for her, nothing more than the ashes that had once burned Martha, but from which she would rise stronger and more alive than ever. They were destined to end up burned. And bringing her hand to his lips, he finally gave in to the tears that had been slowly falling. He spent the entire night sobbing uncontrollably, resting her small, delicate hand in the center of his chest between his hearts.He wanted her handprint to be etched there, to be immortalized where it belonged, with him. After a long time, he found the strength to get up, to leave her room before she woke up. He didn't know what he would do if she woke up and saw him there, so vulnerable, more so than she had seen him when he was being possessed. God, he was such a coward, always. He looked at her one last time before leaving the room, still so fully asleep and spoke softly, even knowing she wouldn't hear "please, if either of us has to burn the other, burn me then, don't let me burn you, don't let me hurt you... I'd rather turn to ashes than see you mixed in them" and defeated he returned to his room, hoping that his energy would return before she woke up and they could forget all of this but he knew he never would, he knew that those words uttered by the sun inside him both in his nightmare and in his own life, were not just a direct threat, they were a warning, a big siren, a big red alert, for her to run, for her to get away before it was too late and by god he hoped she could, because he didn't want her in the state he saw her in before his eyes in the dream, dead and by his own hands. Internally, he begged her never to leave, never to be consumed by him like that, even as he himself grew increasingly consumed by his own personal fire. He was a lost cause, but he hoped he would never be the one to turn her into one too. And that those words would never reach her, that they would be just a fire extinguished by the wind and not the living fire of a rising star, that they would be lost in time and not take away from him all the time he would never have and the secret dreams he would never realize.
" BURN WITH ME MARTHA!"