Poker Night at the Inventory III

by AGNerdBot

Summary:

After so long, the Inventory has once again opened its doors to host yet another high-stakes poker game. Old faces and new faces alike have shown up for this event, and of course, the esteemed guest of honor, the Player, is here to win it all once more!

Notes:

• Inspired by UNO Night at the Inventory by MarioGMan25

Chapter 1: Back to the Inventory

*The rain was pouring hard as an orange Dodge Charger roared through the city streets as a blonde man in a tight black polo shirt gripped the wheel like the neck of a strangled assassin. The Player sat in the back of the car, nonplussed as Brock Samson skidded this way and that. Eventually, the ride ended as the car screeched to a halt, right in front of a building known simply as ‘The Inventory’. As the Player stepped out, Samson rolled down his window, leaning on the side of the door and giving them a knowing look.*

Brock: Enjoy the game, kid. Knock ‘em dead. Or don’t. I still remember how much cash ya took from me last time, ya mute prick.

*The Player merely nods in response, before exiting the car, looking around the ever-familiar old alley as they make their way to the back entrance, the sound of Brock's Charger peeling out filling the air. The Player raises their hand and knocks on the door of the Inventory. The door swings open, revealing a six-foot tall dog wearing a trench coat. Recognizing the figure at the door, he gives a friendly wave.*

Sam: Well I’ll be! We didn’t think you’d show up for another game! Especially after… y’know.

Sam - Sam and Max

Sam: C'mon inside, it’s wetter than me after a fifty mile car ride. And it smells almost as bad.

*The Player follows Sam indoors, thankful to get out of the terrible weather. The building had clearly seen better days, but it was obvious the staff had done their best to present it as close to its peak as they could. Sam pushed open one of the walls, revealing the ever-familiar game hall of the Inventory. The talking dog turned and gave the Player a wink and a smile.*

Sam: I hope you weren’t wanting to play me or Max in a game of cards tonight. We’re just here since Reggie was kind enough to offer us a place to stay after Telltale went kaput. Still, if ya need us, just give us a holler! We’ll be at the bar. Well, I’ll be at the bar. Max will be wherever he pleases. Probably breaking stuff.

*Sam waves the Player off, heading off to grab himself something to eat. As he does so, a short man wearing a sailor’s cap walks up to the Player, beaming at the sight of an old friend.*

Winslow: Aha! Glad to see you’ve made it! I was beginning to worry no one would show up. You’re the first to arrive, which I admit is surprising given your track record…

Commodore Reginald Van Winslow (Retired) - Monkey Island

Winslow: Regardless, it’s always a pleasure to see your familiar, albeit perpetually hard to remember, face, my friend. The Inventory may have hit a hard bump in the road, as it were, but we’re proud to say that we’ve returned with a flourish! Now then… your seat.

*Winslow gestures towards a table in the center of the room, with five seats all gathered around it. The Player takes their spot at the fifth seat, and idly begins to look around. As per usual, Moxxi is running the bar, and Sam and Max can be seen walking around doing… whatever it is they do. As the seconds pass, Winslow looks at his watch irritably.*

Winslow: Honestly, must everyone be late tonight? I would rather hope they would have learned to be punctual-

???: BRAAAAAAAP!

*Before Winslow could finish his complaint, a loud burp echoed throughout the Inventory. The source of the noise was a large grey-skinned behemoth of a man, his head devoid of hair, save for the large bushy beard on his face. A large axe hung over his shoulder as he let out a bored yawn.*

Grog: Sorry, I got lost trying to find this place. And then I got distracted by the hot lady with the nice rack serving the food and drinks. And then I got lost lookin’ for more food.

Grog Strongjaw - Critical Role

Winslow: Ah! Splendid! The first of our new players has arrived. I can assure you, Mister Strongjaw, provided you have the required finances for our entertainment, the libations and the sustenance shall flow like gilded honey.

Grog: …what?

Winslow: *sigh* You can eat and drink as much as you want so long as you have the money to play the game.

Grog: Fuckin’ awesome!

*Grog eagerly takes a seat at the fourth chair, setting his axe next to him as he grins towards the Player cockily.*

Grog: Can’t wait to beat your nerdy ass and get rich! Scanlan, Pike, and me are gonna party like every day’s our birthday!

???: WAAAAAAAH!

*Suddenly, a portal opened above the poker table, and a red-jacketed android with white spiky hair fell out from it, followed by a black humanoid creature with strange neon accents. The android quickly got to his feet, before firing multiple rounds into the creature, until the monster vanished into rainbow particles. The robot let out a sigh of relief, before turning to the rest of the table.*

Billy: Phew. Ethereals, am I right?

Billy Kid - Zenless Zone Zero

Winslow: Well now, our third player has made himself available! And in quite the dynamic entrance!

Billy: Hah! Yeah, sorry about that, I was busy doing some side work in a Hollow. Luckily for me this place is apparently connected to one of ‘em!

Winslow: Am I to take it that means that there are more of those ‘Ethereals’ to interrupt our game with?

Billy: …nooooooo?

Winslow: Hmm. I suppose we’ll have to get that ‘Hollow’ looked at. The zombies are enough of a problem as is.

*With Winslow satisfied, Billy holsters his pistols and hops over the table, taking a seat next to Grog. The Goliath smiles at the newcomer and eagerly slugs the robot in the arm, causing him to wince. As the robot gets settled in, another figure walks in from the shadows. A scraggly-looking man dressed in a rumpled white shirt and brown slacks made his way over from the bar, taking a drag from his cigarette.*

Bigby: Sorry I’m late. The case went on a bit longer than usual. Prince Charming’s dumb ass didn’t really help at all.

Bigby Wolf - Fables

Winslow: Ah! Good to see you, Bigby, old chap! Don’t worry about the time, the others just arrived mere moments before.

*The Big Bad Wolf merely grunted as he took another drag from his cigarette as he looked over the other two players at the table. Grog was picking something out of his teeth, while Billy looks up at Bigby in surprise.*

Billy: Wow, they even let PubSec play cards in this place?

Bigby: What? Gotta problem with me, tin can?

Billy: Hahahaha… nope! No problem at all! Pleasedon’thurtme.

*Bigby snorts derisively in Billy’s direction, before taking the seat next to the Intelligent Construct, who lets out a nervous breath.*

Winslow: Excellent! That’s four players at the table! All that remains is our last, who, according to our security team, should be here riiiiiiight… now!

???: Hey, hey, easy on the merchandise! WHOA!

*All eyes turned to the entrance as Sam walks into the room, carrying a rather large man covered head to toe in futuristic metal armor painted a dark orange. Standing next to him was Max, the white rabbit eagerly baring his bear trap-like teeth at the Player.*

Sam: Finally found the big fella six layers deep in the seven layer dip. Sorry about the holdup, homies.

Max: Sam, seriously, you gotta stop saying that.

*Sam shrugs, before chucking the armored soldier in the direction of the Player, where he lands in a heap. The new arrival groans in pain as he holds his aching back, before dusting his armor off and taking the last spot at the table.*

Grif: Sheesh… I figured a place this nice would’ve learned to be more gentle with the customers.

Dexter Grif - Red Vs Blue

Winslow: Apologies, Mister Grif, but the game needed to begin soon. After all, it’d be rude to keep the others waiting while you stuffed your face at the all you can eat buffet, no?

Grif: Tch. Whatever. I was just about done anyways.

Grog: There’s a buffet?! Aw, man, I knew there was more food!

Winslow: Regardless, with the arrival of Grif, our four players have arrived. But of course, what is a game of poker without a dealer? Granted, our usual dealer is unfortunately busy with ‘science-based activities’, as it were. So for this game, we have a new host selected for the game based on her ever-sarcastic recommendation.

*Just as Winslow finishes his sentence, a burst of magic and confetti explodes atop the table, revealing Caine, a humanoid figure clad in an extravagant red suit and black hat, bearing a set of giant teeth and eyes for a head.*

Caine: That’s my cue, my fleshy new performers!

Caine - The Amazing Digital Circus

Grif: Oh, great…

Bigby: What the-?!

Billy: Huh?!

Grog: Ooooooh!

*Grif hangs his head in exasperation as Bigby and Billy take defensive postures. Meanwhile, Grog eagerly claps at the dramatic entrance, to which Caine begins bowing at the applause.*

Caine: Thank you, thank you! Your noises of bewilderment are all I ever wanted to hear!

Winslow: I shall leave the rest of the affairs in the capable hands of our digital friend here. Ta!

Caine: Alright, the name’s Caine, folks, and tonight we have a game of No-Limit Texas Hold-‘em! Buy-in is thirty thousand dollars, so I hope you all are big spenders!

Grif: What?! Thirty thousand?! I thought this was a twenty grand game!

Caine: Well, you thought wrong, my little orange friend! Ol’ Slow-Mo back there said that the Inventory needed to escalate the stakes since it’s been so long since the place opened its doors, so he added another ten big ones to the pile to spice up your sad, sad lives!

Bigby: Fine by me. Just means that there’s more for me to walk away with.

*Bigby smirks as he tosses in a wad of cash. Billy soon follows after he manages to scrounge together some extra money from his jacket pockets.*

Billy: I was hoping I’d get to spend this on additions to the Girls, but hey, I’ll be able to spend even more if I win!

*Seeing the others put in their wagers, Grog pulls out a large sack of gold coins and slams it on the table.*

Grog: Get ready to fund my drinks for the next week! Week and a half even!

*Realizing that nobody else was protesting the change, Grif sighs, before tossing in his own wads of cash.*

Grif: Fine. Not like I had much else planned for the night.

*Once all the other poker players contribute to the pot, the Player tosses in their own wad of cash. The money is then gathered up by Caine, and several poker chips manifest on each player’s part of the table with a snap of his fingers, before a deck of cards is shuffled mid-air and dealt to all the players. The Player can’t help but smile as they look down at their hand. It was good to be back.*

Notes:

After rewatching several clips of Poker Night 1 and 2, I wanted to try making my own version of a Poker Night game with a new cast. Hopefully I put together a semi-interesting group of strangers together with this one. Up next: introductions to each character!

Chapter 2: Player 1: Grog Strongjaw(Critical Role)

Summary:

Starting off the roster of poker players, we have none other than Grog Strongjaw, the raging berserker of Vox Machina! He... he tries, bless him.

Grog Strongjaw - Critical Role

The Raging Berserker

Playstyle

Grog barely understands the game of poker, and struggles with the more strategic aspects of the game, seemingly just playing by ear and hoping for the best with what little he knows about the rules of the game. As a consequence, while he’s fairly easy to knock out of the tournaments, he can also be one of the most unpredictable players at the table and can run rampant if left unaccounted for. As befitting his nature, Grog presses forward, uncaring of how badly the odds are against him. As a result, it can be hard to tell if he is trying to bluff the Player or not, given his unabashed recklessness. Grog's tells often involve his large bushy beard. For example, if he is pulling at it in frustration, he probably has a bad hand, but if he's stroking it in thought, he likely has something good that he can play.

———

Grog: I wonder what happens when I get all the colorful circles…

*Grog tosses in a handful of chips to raise the pot.*

Grog: Guess we’ll never know.

Drink of Choice - Sandkheg's Hide

Drink Description: One of the strongest drinks Exandria has to offer, Sandkheg’s Hide gets its name from the massive insectoid monsters that roam the deserts of Marquet. Extracted from the acidic spittle from the Sandkheg and then wrapped in the chitin of the beast, this drink is famed for its equally acidic taste that can numb the drinker's body near-completely, getting most drunk in a matter of seconds. Even a massive Goliath such as Grog can get tipsy after only a few sips. While the taste has much to be desired, drinkers have slurred their approval of the sheer potency of Sandkheg's Hide.

———

*Moxxi saunters over towards the table, setting down two green glass bottles filled with a foul-smelling liquid next to Grog, much to the Barbarian's confusion.*

Moxxi: Two bottles of Sandkheg’s Hide, just for you.

Grog: Huh? Did I order booze and forget again? Aw, man! Vex is gonna kill me!

Moxxi: You can put away your purse, big man. The Player over there has generously chosen to pay for your drink with their tab.

*As Moxxi walks off, Grog turns to the Player and smiles wide. Eagerly, he uncorks one of the bottles and raises it high in the Player’s direction, the Goliath fully ready to drink to his heart’s content tonight.*

Grog: You are officially one of my most favorite people I’ve ever met. Y’know, after Scanlan, Pike, and a lot of the other people that buy me booze.

Collateral - The Deck of Many Things

Collateral Description: The bane of any D&D campaign, the Deck of Many Things is a selection of twenty-two cards, all of which can alter reality to bring about great fortune or terrible disaster upon the person dumb enough to draw from the deck. Grog has drawn from the Deck several times, most famously having his soul stolen and banished to Pandemonium, requiring a perilous journey to reclaim it. Are you brave and/or dumb enough to try and follow in Grog's footsteps?

———

*Grog is rifling through his Bag of Holding, tossing out random junk in a panic as he tries to find something within.*

Grog: Aw, damnit! I knew I forgot to pack something!

Caine: Is something wrong, my muscular milkmaid?

Grog: I forgot to bring the gold for the poker game! I can’t play without my gold!

Caine: Well, whaddya got instead? The Inventory takes things including but not limited to: gold, flammable objects, the souls of the innocent, angel food cake, money, your first born child, your marriage, unused socks, magic orbs, mystical books, TV awards, banjos, personality cores, guns, badges, used watches, shutter shades, spare decks, the screams and whimpers of your soul-

Grog: Hey, I got a deck of cards right here!

*Grog pulls out a shimmering deck of cards, each one magically enchanted. He tossed the Deck of Many Things onto the table, grinning widely.*

Grog: Vex stole it from me, but I stole it back when she wasn’t looking.

Caine: Well, that settles it! Whoever knocks out Grog in the tournament will win Vox Machina’s very own Deck of Many Things!

Grog: …wait, what was that part about a milkmaid-

Dialogue

Fold

Grog: I wanna… what’s the one where you run away like a chicken because your hand stinks?

Grif: Uhhhh… fold?

Grog: Yeah, that one.

———

*Grog looks over his cards, inspecting them in what appears to be his attempt at scrutiny, before tossing them aside.*

Grog: Hmmm… nope, don’t like the shapes and colors on these. Can I have new ones?

———

Grog: This is why I hate math! Why couldn’t Vex play this dumb game?!

Caine: Why did you answer the invitation if you can’t play the game?

Grog: I just saw the words ‘free food and drink’ and ignored everything else.

———

*Grog raises his cask of ale to the air as he tosses down his cards.*

Grog: Could I have some more ale? I’d like to not think about these numbers anymore.

———

*Grog snarls angrily, baring his teeth as he crushes his cards in his hands. Everyone at the table flinches, hands flying to their weapons as Grog gets to his feet.*

Grog: I… would like…! TO!

*Grog then gently tosses his cards into the center of the table, looking completely nonplussed, before folding his arms politely.*

Grog: Fold, please.

———

All In

Grog: Come on... how do you wanna do this?!

*The Goliath shoves all his chips into the center of the table, before gleefully brandishing his axe, ready for some financial carnage.*

———

Grog: Hmmm... What would Vex do in this situation...?

*Grog shrugs before shoving all his chips forward. The Goliath crosses his arms, looking proud of his decision.*

Grog: That's probably it!

———

Grog: Hey, look!

*Grog shoves all of his chips into the pot, before turning to smile at the others obliviously.*

Grog: Now the pile’s even bigger!

———

Grog: You think I’m gonna back down?! HELL NO! ALL IN!

———

*Grog snarls as he slams his fist on the table, baring his teeth at the others as he goes all in.*

Grog: Hope you fuckers know a good necromancer, because right now I’m lookin’ at a bunch of dead men!

———

Bluff

Grog: That’s right! Professor Grog proves once again why he’s the smartest!

*Grog cackles to himself as he shovels all of the pot his direction.*

———

*Grog scratches his bald head as he looks over at the pot before him.*

Grog: Seriously? Even I thought that was a bad idea!

———

Grog: Hah! And Vax says I’m the dumb one! Shows him!

———

*Grog turns to look at the Player in genuine concern.*

Grog: Are you okay? I don't think I'm supposed to be able to outsmart people.

———

Grog: Wow, this lying stuff is easier than I thought!

———

Victory

Caine: The winner of tonight’s game is none other than Grog Strongjaw!

*Grog laughs as he scratches at his beard, looking as proud as he could be.*

Grog: Heh. Told ya. I have an Intelligence of 6. I knew what I was doin’.

———

Grog: YEAHHHHHHH! FOR STRONGJAAAAAAAW!

*With an excited whoop of victory, Grog slams his axe into the table, sending chips flying everywhere. He only seems to realize his mistake after Caine turns to him in annoyance.*

Grog: …oops.

———

Grog: …I’m sorry, I blacked out there for a sec, what the fuck just happened?

———

Grog: So you’re saying, I win all of these little chips? Awesome!

Caine: G-Grog. No. Th-the chips belong to the Inventory. It just means you win the money.

Grog: I WIN MONEY BY PLAYING THIS GAME?!

———

Grog: Oh, Vex is gonna be so proud! She might not even mind that I used her money for this!

———

Elimination

Caine: Grog’s been knocked out from the tournament!

Grog: Wait… did I win?

*Grog turns to Caine, who shakes his head sadly.*

Grog: Aw, man! Vex is gonna kill me! That was the party's gold!

Vex: *from offscreen* GROOOOOOOOOOG!!!

*Grog winces, before awkwardly slinking away in a corner to hide.*

———

*Grog growls in frustration as he throws his cards down, before folding his arms and looking around the table.*

Grog: This game is dumb anyway! Anyone up for a game of Ball Tag?

*Instinctively, everyone present covers their crotch with their hands as they lean away from Grog, who frowns in disappointment before skulking off.*

Grog: Fine, play your dumb card game… See if I care!

———

Grog: If you’ll excuse me… I’m going to go eat my way out of this sadness.

*Grog proceeds to slink over to the bar, where Moxxi sets down a massive plate of food for Grog.*

———

Grog: I… would like… to RAGE!

*Letting out a primal scream, Grog pulls out his axe and slams it into the table, splitting it in half. All the remaining players and the dealer turn to glare at the Goliath.*

Grog: …’m sorry.

*Pouting, Grog sheepishly walks off and takes a seat at the bar as Caine quickly repairs the table.*

———

Grog(Losing the Bounty): Wha-?! That’s bullshit!

*Angrily, Grog slams his fist down on the table as the Deck of Many Things is taken away.*

Grog: Hey, wait, that’s mine!

Caine: Not anymore it’s not! You put it up as collateral, remember?

Grog: Oh yeah…

*Depressed, Grog slinks over to the bar, before slamming his head down onto the bar as Moxxi pours him a stein of ale and pats him on the shoulder.*

———

Notes:

Grog's an interesting character to write for a game like this. He's undoubtedly the least qualified member of Vox Machina to play a game of poker(which is why he's also the best choice for shenanigans), so I wanted to try and hit a sweet spot of 'Grog has no clue what he's doing' and 'Grog can still actually play the game' for him. Hoping I nailed that middle ground well!