Chapter Text
I shifted in my sleep, someone trying to shake me awake... WAIT - WUT?!
I woke up
How did I wake up? Wwll, WWE? No! Well ( there ya go) some BASTARD (looking at you, Jacob) decided to wake me up, meaning they obviously have a death wish. Since EVERYONE in this house fucking KNOWS not to bother me when I'm asleep!! And ain't no fucking way my Aunt and Uncle would bother me in my sleep. They know about my insomniac ass of a braincell!
I blinked my eyes open, not even looking at the person, and slowly sit up. I looked over to give this best a price of my min-"OOohHhHOLY SHIIiiihhHhIiiTttT!!!!! "
"Good to see you're awake, Ms.L/N."
A huge ass fucking old man in a POINTY.HAT. With a fucking yard long beard and fluffy caterpillar brows was looking straight at me. Gandalf-? No Gandalf doesn't wear a giant blue long sleeve that's more of a baggy dress than anything, I mean, get it I guess? But this is still not his house, so he gotta go. "The fuck are you doing on my house?! You better not be one of those perverted obsessive people like in those games, cause I only accept hot people, not guys who are like - fifty times my age."
Gandalf rip off doll 2.0 raised those fluffy brows- does he ever shave them?- Does he BRAID THEM?! CAN I BRAID THEM TOO? CAN WE BE BRAIDING BUDDIES? Wait- DO I KNOW HOW TO BRAID?! As I was having a small mental crisis, he laughed lightly, shaking his head, completely unaware of the thought of a dancing rat floating in my brain. "Do not fear, Ms.L/N. I am nothing of the sort, though I am a bit worried you would think that.. As for your house... Are you sure you live here? I might say, if it is then it's awfully dark. "
Yeahhhh, this guy was crazy, but at least he wasn't trying to saw my leg off to make me stay with him forever.. He glanced to the side, why did he glance to the side?! What was he looking at? I shifted my gaze to see what he wass... My face paled.. Kinda..
I rubbed my tired face "Fuck my life..."
why was I in the middle of a DUCKING WAREHOUSE?! (The old, broken crates were filled with rubber ducks, haha, all seemingly staring menacingly even though you could only see the opening of the crate. You could feel the holes burning into you from their dirty looks.) I take back what I thought about the leg thing. THIS IS SO FUCKING CREEPY!! It would've been cool if I came here prepared and all, maybe I could come back and decorate with paints or something, I could make it like a trippy mushroom fantasy- WAIT what was I thinking about? Oh! Yeah the old twinkle rinks with no sprinkles.. But still! Duck you author! (Heeeyyyy :'( meanie..)
I was on a gross mattress that had I didn't even want to know WHAT on it. And the fucking concrete floor had-... Ketchup..On it...
...
And of course there's a Pentagram with the mattress that I'm on in the middle, and a candy themed duck right next to me with judgey beady lifeless eyes. I grabbed it and chucked the thing, it made a faint quack sound when it hit the body- BODY?! Everybody ~ (Yeahh) Rock your body~ (Yeahh) Everybody rock your body right, Back Streets back to life! I really need to stop that.. Welp- At least the bodies were still breathin- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! IT'S THAT STUPID CORNDOG SMILE TO BIG TO SMALL TOP HAT GUY FROM EARLIER!! Fucking cockroach sucking price of-
(Sorry,but SOMEONE didn't want to stick to the script. "I'M A FUCKING UNICORN!! DEAL WITH IT!" We'll be right back after this message... "RAGHHH" AHH-)
I stomped over to the damn Mr. Potato head nock off, and kicked him. He stayed asleep, so I grinned and searched him, finding his wallet, "Ooh lala, what do we have here, kono igirisuhito no Chinook Shangri yarō-me?" I looked inside, the idea. obviously fake, I mean, really? What kind of name was Pigster? This had to be fake or his momma didn't love him. I wouldn't love him either, to be honest... And in the other pocket thingy was only~ DQ GIFT CARD!! You're paying for my next hot dog sundae, fucker. And of course, the mon-... Why was there only weird fucking coins? Was this guy a foreigner?
...
Naifu de koyubi o butsukete hoshī.
"...Wizarding world.. Bank...? The world is this? A cult...?" I looked around the warehouse from my spot next to this guy. Pigster or whatever his name was. Haha, Ms.Piggy... My eyes landed back to the tall as hell baggy dress old guy, a reasonable question finally popping up in my brain.
"Where am I?"
He hummed. "Well, you are certainly a long ways from home.. " I narrowed my eyes at him.
"..How long?"
" Well, where do you live? "
"Oh, I live at-..Wait, I'm not telling a creepy old guy who woke me up in woke weird duck warehouse where I live! I'm dumb, but not that dumb, dude. "
He nodded. Freaking weirdo.
I felt slightly faint, probably because I haven't eaten in like- how many days? Holy guacamole I'm hungry (Hi hungry! I'm marmar!) Shut up!
"Please, do not fear Ms.L/N-" A little late for that. ", I have no intentions of harming you. Seeing what you've done to your, ah, shall we call them, company?"
I looked at him, confused, and on edge. ".. What do you mean, and how the hell do you know my last name? That's freaking creepy, dude.."
Mr.Pointy hat caterpillar brows hummed, tilting his head towards me. "Well, considering how much magic you used to... Incapacitate your company.. The board had to, of course, investigate you. And I simply got curious, and decided to, ah, check in. Your all the talk of the wizarding world right now as far as I've heard.."
Wizarding wha- " WAIT, YOU'RE A WIZARD?! "
Twinkle toes- no, Mr.Old Wizard Guy, looked at me, brows raised, and a small smile behind his glorious mustache. "I see.. Well, this complicates things."
A time skip brought by readers dad! He was a Wizard, not too good, not too bad, and he was a whatever your dad's house is. He wasn't dead, but he left bcs mama acussed him of rape and kicked him out, when in reality she was just off her meds and head voices again.
Now, leading to you, sitting on the suspicious mattress once again, listening to this old man tell your dad's story, while eating chips that flew through a window. :-\
____
I blinked after Mr.Bippidy Boppidy Boo finished explaining how he knew dAdDy DeArEsT, sitting on the floor next to me, while eating a bag of chips that had some how flown through the window. This guy was an actual fucking wizard. Either that or he's secretly the Grimm Reaper coming to lead me in to the afterlife I the weirdest way possible... That's probably more believable than him being MaGiC, hah! Wait- "Holy shit, I'm dead..." I sat there thinking about that for a minute, a smile slowly creeping up my face.
He raised his brow again, something that I've come to realize he does a lot of.
"Well now-"
"HOLY SHITZERBURGH, I'M DEAD!!"
I stood up suddenly, raising my hands over my head, accidentally spilling some chips in my hair. "RICK YES!! FINALLY!!" I laughed maniacally , which is probably the most accurate description of my mental state right now. Grimmy here, was slowly standing up, and I was dancing like a fucking gremlin, chanting "Hell yeah!" While giggling , like ACTUAL GIGGLING. I was fucking elated!
"Now, now, hold on-"
"Nope!I see through you, Grimmy! And I'm totally ready to leave this fuck ass life. Shit sucks."
" You aren't dead-"
"But what about the chips?!"
" ...I'm simply wondering how.. That has anything to do with death..? "
"Well~!"
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•_________________________ After explaining the train of thought that started with explaining the existence of pizza and a small mental breakdown after realizing that, no, I wasn't dead. Mr.Twinkle Toes rubbing my back as I cried...