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Waverly stirred her cappuccino in slow, distracted circles with her eyes fixated on the microfoam. Her shoulders were tense and her lips were pressed into a thin line, a sure sign that she was deep in thought about something serious. Her other hand picked absentmindedly at the frayed edge of her sleeve, which was a quiet giveaway that the something serious was also something that was bothering her.
Across from her, Chrissy sat with one leg crossed over the other, sipping a chai latte and pretending not to watch her with gentle scrutiny.
“You’ve stirred that cup into a vortex,” Chrissy said after a moment, cocking an eyebrow. “Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, or do I have to guess?”
Waverly blinked, pulling herself out of her thoughts and back to the present. “What do you mean?”
Chrissy gave her a look. “Babe, you’ve said approximately twelve words in the last half hour, and one of them was ‘mm-hmm.’ I know you. This is your ‘I’m fine but also spiraling’ face.”
“I’m not spiraling,” Waverly replied automatically.
Chrissy waited.
Waverly let out a sigh and set her spoon down on the small saucer. “I’m not spiraling. Just…overthinking some stuff.”
“Uh-huh.” She narrowed her eyes skeptically.
Waverly turned to look out the café window and immediately noticed a couple walking past, holding hands and laughing. She envied how easy and relaxed they looked. How effortless intimacy seemed for other people.
Chrissy leaned in. “Waves.”
Waverly closed her eyes for a moment, then let the words tumble out of her. “I haven’t had sex with Nicole in almost a month.”
Chrissy’s expression didn’t change. There was no judgement, just a gentle tilt of her head as she assessed the information. “Okay. And how do you feel about that?”
Waverly began to pick at her sleeve again. “Guilty. Anxious. Kind of like I’m failing her.”
“What happened?” Her tone and facial expression were much softer now.
“The last time…well, it was our first time. And I really thought I was ready. I wanted it. But afterward, I felt...” she paused, struggling to find the word, “Disconnected. Not from her, but from myself.”
Chrissy reached out and touched her hand. “Dysphoria?”
“Yeah,” Waverly nodded. “This beautiful thing happened and all I could think about was how my body didn’t match what I wanted her to see. What I wanted to feel. I cried for hours after she left. I was supposed to be happy, but instead all I felt was just this overwhelming sadness and grief.”
“Did you tell her?”
“Eventually. She was perfect.” The corner of her mouth twitched, like the beginning of a smile that didn't fully evolve. “She said we didn’t have to do anything again until I was ready. She’s been so patient and sweet. But it’s been weeks now, and I miss her. I miss the closeness. But I’m just so scared that it’s going to happen again.”
Chrissy squeezed her fingers. “It might. But also, it might not.”
Waverly nodded. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need to feel safe. I want to try again. Just, on my own terms. With me having full control over everything. Is that too selfish of me?”
Chrissy shook her head. “Of course not. You’re allowed to be cautious. You’re allowed to be in control.”
“I just don’t want her to think I’m broken or too complicated.” Waverly slumped in her chair.
“She’s still here, isn’t she?”
Waverly smiled, eyes soft. “Yeah.”
“Then she doesn’t think any of that.” Chrissy casually sat back. “Sex after an experience like that isn’t linear. You’re not broken, you're just navigating. And if Nicole is worth half of what you say she is, then she’ll be more than happy to meet you where you are. I’m sure she wants you to feel safe too.”
Tears pressed behind Waverly’s eyes, and she blinked hard to keep them from spilling.
Chrissy reached into her tote and passed her a travel-sized pack of tissues. “Comes with the job description of best friend,” she said with a wink.
Waverly laughed and took one with a small, grateful smile.
Nicole’s apartment smelled like cinnamon and pine, warm and comforting. As Waverly stepped inside, she kicked off her boots and blew out a shaky breath. She pressed a hand to her chest to calm her nerves that were spiking with every heartbeat.
Nicole emerged from the kitchen in joggers and a tank top, a soft smile lighting up her face. “Hey, pretty girl.”
Waverly’s heart gave a little thud at that. “Hey,” she said, and walked into her arms.
They kissed, and instantly they fell into a natural rhythm, slow and deep enough to taste warmth. When they parted, Waverly leaned her forehead against Nicole’s collarbone.
“I want to try again,” she whispered.
Nicole stilled for a second as her hand gently tightened on Waverly’s waist. She knew what she meant, she just wasn’t sure if she was truly ready to say it or if maybe she was somehow making Waverly feel too pressured. “Are you sure?”
“I think so.” Waverly nodded. “I’ve been thinking a lot. And talking. And crying, if I’m being honest.”
Nicole cupped her face and held her gaze. “Thank you for telling me. But just so you know, you don’t owe me sex or anything physical that you’re not comfortable with. Not ever.”
Waverly nodded. “I know.” She took Nicole’s hands and lowered them between them as she laced their fingers together. “I want it. I want you. I just also want to be able to be intimate without completely falling apart.”
Nicole’s eyes softened. “Okay. Then we go slow. You call the shots. And maybe we use a color system?”
Waverly raised a curious eyebrow, encouraging her to elaborate.
“Like green for ‘I’m good,’ yellow for ‘slow down,’ and red for ‘stop right now.’ No questions asked. No explanations needed.”
Waverly’s breath caught. “Yeah. That sounds really good."
Nicole kissed her again, slower now, more intent. Waverly’s hands trembled as they slid under Nicole’s shirt. Nicole didn’t rush, she just let her lead.
“Color?” Nicole asked when they reached the bedroom and stood beside the bed.
“Green,” Waverly answered, even as her fingers trembled.
They undressed slowly. Waverly opted to keep her underwear on, and Nicole didn’t question it. She kissed Waverly’s chest, her scars, her curves, murmuring things like “You’re perfect” and “You’re so beautiful” and “You’re everything I want.”
Waverly laid back on the bed, breath catching as Nicole climbed over her, kissing a trail down her belly.
“Still green?”
“Green.”
Nicole took her time, using her mouth and fingertips in gentle tandem as she explored every inch of Waverly’s skin. She kissed down the length of her body, lingering at the spot just beneath her belly button. Her hands coaxed Waverly’s thighs apart as she pressed kisses to the sensitive skin on the inside of her thigh. When she reached the crease where her thigh met her hip, she pulled Waverly’s panties aside just enough to run her tongue along it, savoring the softness of her skin.
She looked up at Waverly, her face giving signals that she was enjoying this. She rested her hand on the swell of her hip as she moved her mouth across to her center, kissing her bulge over the fabric.
Waverly’s body jolted.
Nicole stopped instantly. “Color?”
A shaky breath. “Red.”
Nicole eased back without hesitation. “Okay. That’s off-limits. Thank you for telling me.”
Waverly’s chest rose and fell quickly, but her eyes didn’t close, and she didn’t flinch from the touch on her hip.
Nicole moved back to her thigh, lips brushing her skin. “Still green otherwise?”
Waverly nodded, her voice steadier. “Green. I just…doing that specifically doesn’t feel right tonight. It’s not a never, just not right now.”
“Got it,” Nicole murmured, kissing her abdomen before trailing back up her body in a slow, reverent line. “There are a hundred other ways I want to make you feel good.”
Waverly exhaled, her body relaxing again.
Nicole climbed up and over her, straddling her thighs with her weight pressed gently down. She rocked forward once, the slick heat of her folds dragging against the curve of Waverly’s shaft through the soft fabric of her panties. Waverly gasped.
“Is this okay?” Nicole asked in a low voice, her hips barely moving.
Waverly’s fingers dug gently into her sides. “Green. That feels really good.”
Nicole rocked again, adding just enough pressure to make them both moan.
“You feel so good against me,” she whispered just before placing a string of kisses along Waverly’s jaw. “I love the way our bodies fit together. I love rubbing my clit against yours.”
Waverly moaned, the words sinking deep into her, warming places dysphoria usually froze.
“Is this okay?” Nicole asked softly, watching her.
Waverly’s eyes fluttered open, shining with something like awe. “Yeah,” she breathed. “More than okay.”
Nicole smiled, eyes soft. “Do you want to feel more?” She hooked a finger underneath the waistband of Waverly’s panties and pulled down slightly, indicating what she meant by the question.
Waverly nodded without hesitation. She closed her eyes and bit her lip in anticipation as Nicole lowered her underwear just enough to expose her member resting against her lower abdomen.
As soon as she felt the warmth of Nicole’s slick folds on her, Waverly whimpered.
Nicole kept the motion slow, rocking against her steadily and dragging her wet, hot sex over Waverly. And Waverly could barely think through the euphoria of it. Most days she was okay with her body, but sometimes during sex she felt like a man with the body part that she had, which led to immense distress and anxiety. But right now in this moment, she didn’t feel that way – not one bit.
“I love how wet you make me,” Nicole whispered into her neck. “I love being on top of you like this, rubbing our pussies together, both of us soaking wet.”
Waverly moaned, hips canting up with her breath coming faster now.
Nicole stayed close, keeping her pace steady and grounding. “You feel so good Waverly,” she whispered, rocking harder now. “Let me make you come just like this.”
“God, yes,” Waverly cried, voice high and desperate. “Nicole, please.”
Nicole kissed her lips as they rocked harder together, gasping into each other’s mouths. And then Waverly’s back arched, the pressure snapping all at once. Her body pulsed, muscles tightening around the hot burst of pleasure, and she came with a strangled cry beneath Nicole.
Nicole followed not too long after, moaning against her neck with her hips grinding through every wave as her own orgasm took her.
They stayed like that, tangled and shaking, still breathing hard as the rhythm slowed. Nicole rested her forehead against Waverly’s and pressed soft kisses to her cheeks, her jaw, and then her temple.
"Color?” Nicole asked.
“Green,” Waverly whispered, blinking up at her. “So, so green.”
Nicole smiled and kissed her again slowly before getting up to grab a small cloth. She gently cleaned them both off, kissing her way down Waverly’s body with every pass – her belly, her thigh, the inside of her knee, like she couldn’t stop telling her I love you in every way her mouth could manage.
When she was done, she pulled the blanket up over them both and settled beside her, slipping one arm under Waverly’s neck and the other over her waist. Waverly instantly curled into her with her cheek resting over Nicole’s heart, taking in its steady rhythm.
“You okay?” Nicole whispered, brushing a thumb along the top of her arm.
Waverly gave a sleepy hum. “I feel…” She paused, eyes fluttering shut. “I feel like I could live right here. Forever, in your arms.”
Nicole smiled into her hair. “That’s convenient, because I wasn’t planning on letting go.”
Waverly let out a breathy laugh. “You make everything easier. Even the hard stuff.”
Nicole kissed her temple. “Good. Because you deserve it.”
A silence fell between them as Nicole’s fingers traced idle shapes over Waverly’s back, and Waverly burrowed closer. Her body finally felt like hers, even if it was just for tonight, just in this moment.
“I love you,” she murmured, not needing to say more.
Nicole tightened her hold and whispered back, “I love you too.”
And with that, Waverly let herself fall asleep feeling held, seen, and fully known.