Chapter Text
The clock ticked noisily above the fireplace as Remus sat curled up in his favourite armchair in their little flat. He was thinking about the last few months and how Sirius was slipping away from him. Things had been hard for a while, but Remus couldn’t put his finger on why. All he knew was that something wasn’t right, and he needed to figure it out. He screwed his eyes shut as he tried to think of the last time Sirius had touched him and couldn’t. He couldn’t even remember the last time Sirius had smiled at him or genuinely been happy to see him.
Things had been off well before Lily and James had gone into hiding, but since then, things had become even worse between them. Remus wasn’t sure if Sirius was taking out his frustrations of not being able to see James whenever he wanted on him, or if it was something else entirely. All Remus knew was that he couldn’t go on like this.
It had been over a week since he’d got more than an irritated grunt out of Sirius when he asked him something or spoke to him at all. Remus was going mad, having no one to talk to or anything to do. Mad-Eye had seen to the latter. Ever since Remus’s last assignment with a pack of werewolves had gone wrong, he hadn’t had any more missions. He’d barely survived when Fenrir’s pack attacked the small group of wolves Remus had visited. He’d been the only one to escape, and somehow that had made the Order go quiet, and Sirius became busier.
Sirius often disappeared without a word, and Remus would spend sleepless nights waiting for him to come home, only for him to brush off his concerns and go out again with no word of when he’d be back.
All his owls had been ignored when he’d questioned Mad-Eye or Dumbledore. The only person who had responded was Madam Pomfrey, and that was to tell him that she didn’t have access to any of that information and that she hoped he was being careful and remembering to take his pain relief potion after the full moon. That one short correspondence Poppy had sent him showed him more care and concern than Sirius had for months. He needed to get Sirius to talk to him. They had to figure out what was going wrong in their relationship. Remus only hoped it wasn’t too late to fix it.
Her letter reminded him that the full moon was approaching, not that he needed reminding; his aching body was doing a good job of reminding him. Remus wasn’t sure what was happening this time. James couldn’t come as he was in a safe house that even Remus didn't know the location of. Peter had been absent from his life for weeks. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him. He’d have to ask Sirius; perhaps he’d seen Peter. His stomach felt like it was in knots. They’d never left it so late without Remus knowing what the plan was for the full moon. Even if Sirius couldn’t go, he needed to know so he could prepare himself for a solo moon. He got up out of his chair to pack a bag. He’d take the usual spare set of clothes, water, snacks and a small first aid kit he kept well-stocked with wizarding and muggle remedies. Once he’d packed everything, he was at a loss for what to do next. He looked over at the enormous tome on the coffee table. He’d been reading it for Dumbledore, searching for he wasn’t sure what, as Dumbledore wouldn’t tell him. He kept detailed notes of anything he found interesting in the book and cross-referenced it with other texts. He was almost certain it was busy work, given to him to keep him out of the way. He’d had the books for months, and the stack of notes he’d made was immense, but no one had asked him for them yet. Even though he was sure it was meaningless, he kept at it, just in case.
He’d just come across an interesting passage on the reliability of true predictions when the front door opened. Sirius looked surprised for a split second before his face turned into a scowl.
“What are you still doing up?” He asked as he locked the door and removed his travel cloak, flipping his long, curly, black hair away from his face. Remus looked at the clock and was shocked to see how late it had got. He’d been reading for hours.
“I got lost in my research,” he shrugged, trying to look as carefree as he could. He was sure he was failing from the way Sirius’s silver-grey eyes narrowed. “Plus, it’s the full moon tomorrow night,” he added quickly. “You know what I’m like.
Way too much energy to sleep when it's this close,” he laughed, but it sounded flat.
“Uh-huh,” Sirius grunted at him. Remus swallowed. Sirius was back to grunting at him already. Sirius kicked off his boots and disappeared through the door off the living room that led to the bathroom and their bedroom. Remus heard the bedroom door shut, and the bed creak a few moments later when Sirius got into it, and that was their entire interaction. He wanted to cry.
He tried to take his mind off his and Sirius’s issues by throwing himself back into his research, but after he’d read the same paragraph for the tenth time, he called it a night. He cleared everything away and went into the bathroom.
Remus washed his face, brushed his teeth, and, after a moment of hesitation, downed a dose of dreamless sleep before returning to the living room. It showed how bad things had got between them when he hadn’t even considered sleeping in their bed. He pulled the blankets off the back of the sofa and tried to find a comfortable position before the potion took over. His eyes fluttered shut just as the sky began to turn pink as the sun crept up above the horizon, and the birds began to titter, greeting the morning light.
***
Remus woke four hours later. His high metabolism always burned off the potion far faster than a normal witch or wizard. The flat was quiet. Too quiet. He got up off the sofa and stretched his stiff limbs. The sofa was too small for him, but the only other alternative was to follow Sirius into their bedroom and be rejected.
“Sirius?” He called out, but there was no answer. Knowing what lay beyond their bedroom door, Remus put off going to check. This way, he could pretend just for a few minutes that he’d fallen asleep reading and Sirius was still fast asleep in their bed, waiting for him to come in.
When he finally got up the courage to open the door, the room was empty. The bed was made, the curtains open, allowing the sunlight to illuminate the deserted room. Sirius was gone, and he hadn’t even left a note.
Remus spent the entire day moving from one activity to another, not finding anything to hold his interest for long. He showered and rechecked his bag. He ate. This close to the full moon, he couldn’t eat much, or his body would reject it. He picked up and put down his research books more times than he could count. He was so full of nervous energy for that night that even sitting still was beyond him. So, he paced.
He found the only thing his mind would focus on for a while was going over and over all the things he wanted to say to Sirius when he next saw him. It settled him some as he declared his love over and over again in his head, and Sirius would smile at him, and they’d get back to where they had been. He noticed the carpet needed hoovering, so he started cleaning, and once the carpet was done, he cleaned the surfaces and the bathroom, the bedroom, until all that was left was the kitchen.
They were generally tidy people, but the kitchen was always a bit of a disaster, and with Sirius gone most of the time, Remus didn’t have the energy to clean it usually. He filled the sink with hot, soapy water, using a liberal supply of Fairy Liquid. He grinned as he put the white bottle back behind the sink. He had so many fond memories of making rockets out of the empty ones with his mum. He used to drive her crazy with his asking for the next bottle, but the damn stuff seemed to last forever.
Once the dishes were washed, dried and put away, Remus tackled the next problem, which was the oven. Considering that he and Sirius rarely cooked, the thing was filthy. It took a lot of elbow grease, but eventually, the oven was sparkling. Remus was exhausted and hungry. He put away his cleaning things and picked at the leftovers in the fridge before flopping onto the sofa and picking up a book that he wanted to read.
He must have dozed off at some point because the next thing he knew, a sharp jolt of pain ran up his spine, and he woke with a start. A quick check of the clock above the mantel told him it was four o’clock. He needed to go soon, or he’d risk transforming inside the flat, and nobody, not even Moony, wanted that.
His whole body was aching now that he’d got up. He would need to apparate soon; the closer the moon got to rising, the harder it was for him to control his magic, and he didn’t fancy splinching right before he changed. Sirius could easily apparate the pair of them, but Remus didn’t think he was coming. He’d never missed a full moon when Remus hadn’t been on assignment to one of the wolf packs, but this time, Remus had a feeling in his gut that Sirius wouldn’t come, and that feeling had never been wrong before. But still he waited, just in case.
The minutes ticked by, and still there was no sign of Sirius. Remus began to make excuses for him. Maybe he hadn’t realised that the full moon was tonight, but he shot this one down. Sirius had known the night of every full moon since they were twelve. He never forgot, and it hurt Remus to realise this. His transformations were always so much more bearable with Padfoot. Even with Prongs or Wormtail, he had a far better time than when he was alone. Perhaps he should have made contact with one of the packs he knew, but after what happened last time, he couldn’t risk anyone else getting hurt because of his presence. It neared 5 o’clock, and Remus gave up. He had to go.
In the last few minutes he had, he wrote a note, so Sirius would know where he’d gone when he came home. Remus needed someone to know where he was. The thought of being so alone that he didn’t even have that sent a chill down his spine. He’d be lost without his friends.
He’d decided on somewhere familiar, so he’d picked the forbidden forest. None of Voldemort’s followers would dare skulk around in there, especially on a full moon, far too close to Dumbledore. Even so, he’d still set up a web of wards around the area he chose; he didn’t want anyone to accidentally run into Moony.
He put the note in the middle of the table and opened the cloak cupboard. He selected his thickest one, hoping it would help keep him warm tomorrow morning until he was able to apparate home.
The front door swung open, just as Remus’s cloak had settled around his shoulders, his hands poised to fasten the clasps. Sirius was here. He’d remembered. Remus felt a warmth run through him. Sirius was here.
“Where are you going?” Sirius asked suspiciously, and his happiness at seeing him was shattered. He sounded so cold, his eyes like steel as they bored into Remus’s.
“It’s the full moon tonight,” Remus answered, a large lump forming in his throat. Anxiety coursed through his body as he built up the courage to say what he’d been practising all day. “Are you coming?” He asked hopefully.
“What? No, I don’t have time,” Sirius told him as he pulled his cloak off and hung it up in the spot Remus’s had been. He closed the door and brushed past Remus to get into the rest of the flat.
“Oh, OK. I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Remus said hopefully. He felt completely deflated. In none of his imagined scenarios had Sirius said no.
More sharp jolts of pain shot through his limbs and torso; he needed to go now, or he risked being unable to get somewhere safe to transform. He reached for the door as Sirius shot him down again.
“I won’t be here when you get back. Dumbledore and Moody have given me a pile of assignments to complete. I doubt I’ll be here for some time.” Sirius’s voice held no emotion at all, and Remus felt a twinge in his heart. He was unsure if it was breaking or the looming transformation; he’d have to figure it out later.
“See you when I see you then, I guess.” Remus opened the door. He stood in the open doorway for a second, hoping that Sirius would say anything. Remus twisted his neck; it cracked audibly, and Sirius already had his back to him, walking away. “Love you,” he called after him, his voice thick with the tears threatening to fall. Sirius stopped moving, but he didn’t turn around. The rejection hit him in the chest like a charging Erumpet. “Aren’t— Aren’t you going to say it back?”
It was true they hadn’t said it for a while. Remus racked his brain, but couldn’t recall the last time he’d told Sirius he loved him or when Sirius had told him. His arm suddenly cramped so badly it felt as though the bone was going to snap in two, and he couldn’t take it any more. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He all but screamed, bending over, his lips peeled back as Moony came to the surface. “Do you even still want to be together any more?!”
He lost it when Sirius didn’t turn around or answer him; he just stood there with his back to Remus. “Fine! I’ll make it easy for you!” he shouted at the back of Sirius’s head. “If you don’t want me, then there’s no point coming back, is there?” Nothing. “Goodbye, Sirius,” he choked out and slammed the door behind him, the metal of the handle biting into his palm; he was holding it so tightly. He tried to block everything out long enough to apparate, but he ended up splinching anyway. It wasn’t too bad, a few red welts across his chest, easily fixable. But first, he had a job to do.
He didn’t even use his wand to cast the charms around his chosen area. He let the forest's magic flow through him, far more powerful than anything he could cast himself. He forced the barrier out as far as he could before he crumpled to the floor, his heart breaking into pieces.
Moony was trying to get out between Remus’s heart-wrenching sobs. Soon, the pain became too much, and Remus welcomed the transformation. “Hurry,” he whispered, as though Moony could hear him.
The transformation came quickly, and Remus wondered if the wolf had actually heard him or if it was his body's way of taking away his pain.
Moony stood from the leaf-strewn forest floor, threw back his head and howled. His other self was hurting, and Moony felt it too. He sniffed around the area, looking for his friends, but he couldn’t scent anything anywhere near him. He sat back and howled again. He hated it when he was alone. The urge to bite himself and tear his own flesh was hard to ignore, but he pushed it back and decided to go for a run.
He tore through the undergrowth, low branches whipping against his silver fur. He ran, and he howled until he was too exhausted to move, and the sun began to rise. He didn’t want to go, but as with each full moon, he only had a little bit of time to be free; the rest, he did his best to protect the cub who carried him around. He curled into a small ball and fell asleep.
***
Remus came too slowly. His body was limp from exhaustion. He remembered snippets from Moony’s memories. The wolf had been running a lot last night, and Remus was paying for it now. A ray of sunlight broke through the canopy and straight into Remus’s eyes. He squinted and turned his head away from the offending light. It took him a second to realise how cold he was. Scotland in late October was bloody freezing, especially this high up.
He rolled onto his front and dragged himself across the ground, the fallen leaves crunching beneath him. He pulled himself up on a nearby tree and started the long walk back to the tree where he’d stashed his belongings.
His entire body was numb by the time he found his bag and wand. He immediately cast warming charms all over himself. Sighing as feeling began to return to his body, even if it was pins and needles. He forced his cold limbs into his clothes and swung the heavy cloak around his shoulders, casting more warming charms as he went. That was it, though; his last reserves of energy left him, and he crumpled to the ground, falling asleep under his warm cloak.
***
He came to hours later, stiff, sore and alone, right where he had fallen asleep on the damp forest floor. His warming charms had worn off, and violent shivers coursed through his body. He needed to get out of here.
With numb fingers, he drew his wand from the folds of his cloak and began to unravel the complex web of protection charms he had cast the night before. He felt the magic ripple away as the spells fell away, but stayed where he was, not yet able to get up off the ground.
He’d been dreaming about Sirius, hoping that when he woke up, he’d have come to look for him, and they would reconcile and go home for a hot bath and a warm meal. But the forest was silent, and Remus no longer had a home.
He had nowhere to go. He didn’t have enough money of his own to find somewhere else to live, either. He barely had enough to buy something to eat. A wave of hopelessness washed over him. He slowly rose off the cold, hard ground and started walking.
The forest was eerily silent. The only sounds were the crunching of dry leaves under his shoes and the angry rumble of his empty stomach. He could ignore the hunger for now, but he’d need to find something to eat and soon. But first, he needed to find shelter.
He ran through the few places he could go, and none of them were actually options. Lily and James would take him in in a heartbeat, but they were in hiding, and he had no way of finding them without Sirius’s help, and he couldn’t ask him. It was too soon, and he couldn’t see that blank look on his face when Sirius looked at him again. It hurt too much. That and he couldn’t put them in danger like that. Perhaps if he weren’t a werewolf, but he was. Peter might have been an option, but he still lived with his parents, and they weren’t fans of Remus’s. And that was everyone he could turn to. Mary and Marlene lived with their families, and there was no room in either of their houses to squeeze him in. No, he was on his own.
The wind picked up, blowing against his face. It worried him that he couldn’t feel it. He knew exactly how cold that wind should be biting against his bare skin. He fumbled in his pockets and pulled out his wand. He cast warming charms over and over again, directing the spells across his body. He began to shiver violently again as the spell spread warmth across his skin.
He plunged his hands into his pockets, wincing as his arms and legs began to prickle with pins and needles. It hurt, but at least his body was warming up now. But nothing could touch the numbness that was taking hold deep inside him, where Sirius’s love had once been.