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Cas dips his finger in the bath water to check the temperature and finds it to be perfect. He shuts the tap off and turns to Sam, who is sitting patiently on the sink counter where Cas left him.
Cas smiles at him as he approaches. “Ready, baby?” he asks softly.
Sam nods. He obediently lifts his arms as Cas takes all his layers off, and his hips as Cas takes his pants off.
Once Sam is undressed, Cas picks him up—his boyfriend is not a small man, so his grace does most of the heavy lifting—and gently lowers him into the tub.
Cas kneels on the outside of it and scrunches up the sleeves of his trench coat to his elbow. He grabs the washcloth, gets soap on it, and begins to scrub Sam’s body.
Sam is quiet through the process, but Cas can tell he’s comfortable. Sam is always quiet when he’s regressed; as Cas has discovered in the past week, the boy goes mostly non-verbal. Sam only became okay with regressing around Cas a week ago, despite the fact they’ve been dating for close to a year. This is their first bath time—the first time Sam has needed one while regressed. He’s been little nearly all day and hasn’t showered yet, and it doesn’t seem like he’ll get big again anytime soon.
The two of them enjoy their quiet bath time until Cas reaches Sam’s inner arms. He stares, frozen, at Sam’s wrist.
There are cuts running down the length of it.
That can’t be right, though. Cas healed Sam just a few days ago, after a hunt. Any injury he may have sustained before then should be gone. Scars from his childhood must be long gone.
These cuts have to be fresh.
Cas quickly checks Sam’s other wrist to find more of the same. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he knows what these are. They aren’t from a hunt.
Cas takes a deep breath to steady himself as he continues to wash Sam. There is no use worrying the boy when he’s little.
As he scrubs, Cas starts to wonder how it took him so long to find out. He rethinks all these little things: Sam covering up with flannels and jackets, even wearing long sleeve shirts to bed; Sam refusing sex every time Cas used to ask until Cas finally decided Sam must be asexual or something and stopped asking; all the times Cas was watching over Dean when he should have been watching over the person actually at risk.
Cas is a terrible boyfriend. He needs to be better—do better.
He thought he was being considerate by caring about Sam more than sex and not getting on him about his wardrobe choices. He thought he was being nice for not forgetting about Dean even after starting his thing with Sam, for continuing to watch over him like he always had.
He realizes now what a fool he’s been.
The bath is over before Cas can berate himself any longer. He gives Sam one last rinse before pulling the plug and carrying him out of the tub.
He carefully dries him off with a large towel, and Sam has a lazy smile on his face.
Cas smiles back, if a bit forced. He still needs to do his job, even after what he’s discovered. “Nice and clean now, right, honey?”
Sam nods in agreement. He looks so adorable. It hurts Cas, what this boy does to himself.
He continues, “I’m gonna get you all warm and cozy in your jammies, and then we can cuddle. Does that sound good?”
Sam nods again, excited by that idea.
Cas makes sure Sam is wrapped snugly in the towel before picking him up bridal style. He carries him to their bedroom and sets him down on the edge of the bed.
He boops his nose before moving to the dresser to pick out clothes for his boyfriend. He thinks he’s doing a good job acting normal so far.
Sam chose all his pajamas while he was big, and they all have long sleeves. Cas grabs a Ghostbusters top and the matching bottoms before turning to Sam. “Are these okay?” he asks, holding them up.
Sam nods, so Cas approaches and gets Sam changed. They don’t do diapers yet, but Sam went potty right before his bath, so he should be fine.
After Sam is dressed, Cas takes his tench coat off and lays down on his back. His boyfriend quickly lays face down over top of him. Their outstretched legs tangle together and Sam’s head rests on Cas’ chest.
Cas hugs him close and kisses the top of his head. “I love you,” he whispers into his hair.
“I love you,” Sam echoes.
His breathing slows until he falls asleep after a few minutes of cuddling.
Cas lies awake, thinking.
Sam wakes from his nap not long after, and Cas can sense that he’s not little anymore.
Sam sighs and props his chin on Cas’ chest to look up at him. “Hi,” he murmurs.
“Hi,” Cas says back. “Good sleep?”
“Yeah. Good pillow.”
Cas smiles a little bit. He takes a moment to work up the courage and then quietly asks, “You remember what we did?”
“Bath time.”
“Right.” Cas strokes Sam’s hair. “Sam, sweetheart…”
“I didn’t want you to see that,” Sam says, not angry or afraid. It’s just a statement.
“I know.”
“You should’ve asked me when I was big if giving me a bath was okay.”
Cas sighs. “You’re right. I am sorry for not doing that, Sam. I wasn’t thinking. But, I think there’s a bigger problem right now.” He says the last sentence quietly. He’s not angry. He could never be angry at Sam.
Sam presses his lips into a thin line and looks down. He knows it’s true too. They need to talk about this.
“How long?” Cas whispers.
“Since I was 14,” Sam admits, and Cas’ heart stops. “I mean, on and off. Not all the time, y’know.”
God. How could Cas not have realized? “Why?” he asks. “Why now?”
Aren’t you happy now? You’re with me.
Sam looks up. “Look, Cas, it’s just a thing, okay? I can’t explain it. Not really.” Quietly, he adds, “I don’t wanna kill myself if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Cas shakes his head. “Does Dean know?”
Sam looks away again. “He caught me, once. I was 15. He thinks I stopped.”
Cas huffs out a breath. Even Dean, who isn’t the most observant person, found out within a year of Sam starting. Cas is the worst boyfriend ever.
The two are quiet for a moment. Sam eventually gets up off Cas. He sits on the edge of the bed, back to Cas, feet planted on the ground.
Cas sits up too, against the headboard. He’s scared of the answer, but he asks, “Do you want to stop?”
Sam takes a second. Not to think—he knows the answer—but to get brave enough. He doesn’t look at Cas as he shakes his head.
Cas starts crying. He’s never done that before.
Sam immediately turns around. “Cas…” He scoots closer, wraps his arms around him. “Oh, Cas, please don’t cry,” he whispers.
Cas hugs back and sobs into Sam’s shoulder. “How could you do that to yourself?”
He knows he’s being terrible right now. Sam should be the one crying. Cas should be the one comforting. But he can’t stop.
“I’m sorry,” Sam says helplessly.
Cas shakes his head. He needs to explain to Sam that it’s not his fault, but he can’t get the words out. He’s crying too hard.
Sam just holds him until he calms down.
Finally, Cas can speak. He pulls away from the hug and holds Sam’s face in his hands. “Sam, you are the most wonderful person to ever grace this planet. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t know before.” Cas smooshes Sam’s cheeks to keep him from protesting. He looks a little funny like that (he looks beautiful), but now is not the time for laughter. “I’m your boyfriend. That’s my job.”
Sam sighs and Cas stops smooshing his face to let him speak. “I hate being your guys’ job,” he whispers.
Cas could cry again, but he doesn’t. “Dean and I are more than happy to take care of you. You take care of us too.”
Sam shakes his head.
Cas leans in and chastely kisses his lips. “Please understand, Sam,” he murmurs when he pulls away. “I love you so much.”
Sam doesn’t respond.
Cas sighs. He strokes Sam’s cheek with his thumb. “Well, I’m not just your boyfriend,” he tries. “I’m your caregiver. You have to listen to me.”
Sam smiles a little bit. “That’s not how it works, and you know it.”
“Oh, my little is talking back now, huh? Doesn’t want to listen to Daddy?”
Sam’s smile grows. “Stop it. You’re being ridiculous.”
Cas stops. That strategy might work if he keeps it up, but it doesn’t feel right.
“Please let me help you,” he says instead, quietly. “If you can’t do it for you … Do it for me? Please?”
Sam sighs.
“At least talk to me. So I understand. I don’t want you to hide it.” Cas continues stroking Sam’s cheek. “And next time you get the urge … maybe you could come to me for help instead? Maybe you could get little instead? Or talk to Dean if that’s easier. Whatever you can do. Baby steps. Anything is fine. Please.”
“Okay,” Sam concedes. “I’ll … try.”
Cas kisses him again, nice and slow, relieved and believing. “I love you,” he says against his lips.
Sam hugs him and rests his chin on Cas’ shoulder. “I love you so much.”
They sit there hugging for a while. Afterwards, Sam starts to explain. Cas listens.
Afterwards, Cas heals him with his grace.