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September 2nd, 1991 - Headmaster’s Office, Hogsmeade, Scotland
“Are you evil?”
Dumbledore blinked at me in my Hufflepuff robes who cornered him after dinner whispering his beloved sister’s name to ensnare the Headmaster into this private conversation. “I certainly hope not, Mister Olsen. Yet again, no one thinks themselves the villain of their own story.”
“Did you put Harry Potter in an abusive home so that he would be sheltered, uninformed and malleable when he finally did enter the magical world?” The unguarded shock on Dumbledore’s face gave me reason enough to imagine that this was the flawed canon wizard and not an evil fanfic version. “Well, at least that’s news to you. Not sure if Figg doesn’t report it, or if you don’t listen. Moving on, you’re sure that Tom is coming back, but you haven’t done much about it. I don’t want to know your reasoning, but if you want to get shite done expeditiously you will likely need to trust a few folks; Snape is probably a must even if he’s an absolute arse, Bones and Moody would likely be very helpful as well.”
“Mister Olsen, no matter the topic such language…” I cut Dumbledore off with a word that should impact him even more than saying ‘Ariana’ had done.
“Horcruxes.” I spoke, then allowed the sudden silence to continue.
Seconds ticked by before Dumbledore wet his lips and stroked his beard, perhaps for some comfort. “Multiple, but how could you…”
“Possibly know?” In for a penny, in for a pound, and I was all in this time ‘round. “I shouldn’t be here. This place, Hogwarts, you, Tom Riddle, Harry Potter? All stories in my previous life where I was simply relaxing and watching an unrelated program with my partner on a Sunday night. Next thing I know a hat calling out Hufflepuff and McGonagall pulling it off my head and pointing me to the Badgers’ table.
“So last night I tried to figure out who I am now, which aside from being Chris Olsen, a half-blood from outside Cambridge with a bloody stamp collection and a doting mother who sent me to school with five pounds of Twix bars and an admonishment to only have one a week unless it is a terrible week… Too bad I’ve got no memory of being him at all. So I panicked and slept and hoped I’d wake up in bed with my spouse. I didn’t. Then I spent today until dinner in the library confirming what I could of the things I remembered from the stories.
“Now, before I get struck down by the Narrative for messing up the plot, let me tell you what I think is important for you to know. Tom wanted to have a seven part soul so he was going to make six horcruxes, which he accidentally succeeded in doing. Tom’s diary was the first, mundane manufacture, black cover and it has T. M. Riddle somewhere on or in it, left in the care of Lucius Malfoy. Hopefully Snape will be able to recover it before the disgusting man plants it on Ginny Weasley to discredit Arthur next summer. Then there are the three founders’ artifacts: Ravenclaw’s diadem in the Come and Go Room which the elves can help you find, Slytherin’s locket is at one of the Black properties and I’ll tell you in a little bit how to get that, Hufflepuff’s cup is in the Lestrange vault which might require DMLE pressure to recover if you can’t get the goblins on board somehow. Tom also turned the Gaunt family ring into a horcrux and put it under the family shack in Little Hangleton, it is super cursed and you shouldn’t go there alone or put it on.
“Now, the story says that Tom’s familiar, a big ass snake, was a horcrux by the end but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen until after he gets a new body. That leaves the uncomfortable one, a sliver of Tom’s soul is stuck in Harry’s scar as a side effect from whatever happened with the protections Lily either deliberately or accidentally invoked that Halloween.”
Watching Dumbledore pale at the implication was further proof to me that he wasn’t malicious. “Don’t worry too much, ten minutes with the kid will convince you that Tom isn’t in control of the boy. Of course you still have to figure out a safe way to get it out of him that isn’t dependent on a bloody prophecy. Can’t you trust anyone you don’t hold a vow over? No, don’t answer that, I’ll just get sad. Maybe send him to healers overseas so you don’t need to worry about the local Death Eater sympathizers.
“First year Gryffindor Ron Weasley’s rat is Peter Pettigrew who framed Sirius Black ten years ago, the Marauders that weren’t werewolves were animagi. Capture the one and free the other, then Black can get Salazar’s locket from the house-elf at 12 Grimmauld place with the promise it will be destroyed per Regulus’ desires. Sirius Black may also be able to help get the cup in the Lestrange vault out if there was anything strange about Bellatrix’ betrothal or marriage.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?” Somehow, Dumbledore actually seemed confused by my choice.
I tried to tap my foot for a few seconds but my legs were too short to touch the floor, then looked directly into Dumbledore’s eyes, I honestly couldn’t give a crap if he read me like a book. “Because this is your bloody mess and for once I hope you fix it and don’t leave it to children. You tormented Tom Riddle by showing him your magic was bigger to scare him away from doing bad things rather than trying to teach him any form of morals. Why wouldn’t you mentor him instead of fearing how he was too much like Gellert?”
Dumbledore’s wide twinkling blue eyes were barely occluded by his half moon glasses but he seemed surprised yet again, I pushed on. “Dozens, perhaps hundreds of innocent people will die if you follow your path. Many who are not innocent will likely die if you follow mine. Tom is already possessing Quirrell. Dose him with the Draught of Living Death and lock Tom down until the horcrux issues are dealt with. Even if he flees the body you have more time to work with and that alone will save two or more unicorns from the forest. Do I think you should protect Harry? Sure, but his horcrux needs to be dealt with. Is that the most important thing? In the short term, maybe. There are other important issues. Dark Marks were only granted voluntarily because Tom wanted the committed, not people he enforced his will upon. Bartimus Crouch Junior is in the home of his father and kept under the Imperius Curse until that fails.” I sighed. “Use that to gain veritaserum testimony from Bellatrix or other inner circle Death Eaters. Just ask Snape what was required to be marked.”
The steely gleam in Dumbledore’s eye caused me to abandon that avenue immediately. “The Ministry of Magic is authoritarian and is not concerned with the wellbeing of their citizens. They battle to suppress the rights of Beings that are not witches and wizards; doing so will cause them more strife than they are prepared to deal with. The Statute will fall in the next two decades, find solutions and integrate or the non-magicals will deal with magical society using their weapons, tailored viruses or whatever they see as appropriate to deal with a subset of humanity with powers they are not equipped to comprehend or address.”
Now Dumbledore seemed truly startled. “How would that even be an issue?”
I rubbed my now tiny hand over my currently small face. Why couldn’t I have at least been reincarnated as a girl, or a metamorphmagus, at least that would be something new (and perfect considering my gender identity). Well, I suppose having magic is pretty new. “Satellite imagery, CCTVs, the internet and instantaneous file sharing, god forbid they ever get the Cloud functional before… Whatever, magical Britain is a shit-show and if things aren’t better fast enough I’ll just leave.”
Instead of surprised or startled, Dumbledore now seemed aghast. “Leave?”
I looked at the old man who seemed slightly smaller than when we started this conversation. “You can’t imagine I want to live here if it doesn’t get better. For fucks sake, Dumbledore… I already sent my Mum a list of problematic shit to watch out for in the coming months, as well as a written synopsis of what I remember that is actionable. Obliviate me if you want, but I told you everything I could think of so you can use your pensieve to review it. I’ve placed a couple of notes for myself in addition to telling my Mum. If shit isn’t noticeably better by my third year, I’m gone.”
I wouldn’t kidnap Lovegood and her father unless things went absolutely to hell, but Albus ‘So-Many-Secrets’ Dumbledore didn’t need to know I cared about anything in Britain.
Several seconds passed quietly before Dumbledore spoke again. “And your mother will support you if one of her trusted instructors cautions her…”
“What was the first thing I asked you, you bloody arse? ‘Are you evil?’” I didn’t even raise my voice, but I watched Dumbledore’s eyes widen slightly. “Exactly, my Mum isn’t going to doubt me before she doubts you, even if I already admitted my memories are scrambled, I'm her baby. Maybe the adventure of having children might have taught you something.” I yanked on memories that certainly weren’t gained in this world. Still hoping I might slip back to my spouse I pondered my course of actions. “Besides, V likes the Harry Potter books more than I do, so I’m going to be stuck researching how to get them here if I don’t get back to them first.”
There was more blinking, but after a dozen seconds or so Dumbledore spoke again. “I will investigate the information you have provided and take appropriate actions if I find corroboration. I imagine I may call on you if I have further questions?”
“You know what? So long as you keep the kids out of danger, sure. Putting a cerberus behind a door that a first year can unlock, absolutely daft. What were you thinking?” I paused and grimaced. “Nope, don’t answer that either. What I do want to know is what areas of magic I’ll need to focus on to perform cross dimensional transportation on a human?”