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The whole thing starts because Han’s never stood a chance.
It isn’t that he’s particularly unlucky. It’s more that at some point, his luck had to run out, and it just so happens to be today, when Juwon appears in the doorway to Han’s room after he gets home from swim practice, radiating an aura of chlorine and misery.
Han is immediately concerned. He’s at his desk with his calculus textbook in front of him, sitting in an overly stiff position because Cookie is sleeping in his lap, curled up like the cat version of a croissant. He shuffles around awkwardly to face Juwon, trying not to disturb her.
Juwon really doesn’t look so good. The pronounced cupid’s bow of his mouth means that he’s got a gorgeous smile when he’s happy, but it also means that he’s got a pout of epic proportions when he’s depressed. And Juwon is, like, depressed right now. This is a once in a decade kind of a pout, a pout that might make the local news.
“JL’s mad at me,” Juwon says.
… That would explain it. “Oh, jeez,” Han says. “Why?”
Somehow, the pout intensifies. “You know that meme?” Juwon says.
“Oh,” Han says. And then, “Oh.”
“Yeah,” Juwon says.
So, the meme. It’s been haunting Han ever since school started back in August, and even though Han knew that the meme would ruin his life one day, the problem was that it was actually really funny.
What he remembers is that August was sweltering. It was the first week of junior year and the school’s air conditioning was fighting for its life; some of the classrooms were as cold as iceboxes, while the hallways were uncomfortably humid, Han’s shirt sticking to his skin with sweat.
This year, his locker was next to Woongki’s. He’s had math class with Woongki ever since freshman year— Woongki didn’t want anybody to know this about him, was deeply ashamed of the fact, but he was actually great at math. They had math first period so they always saw each other in the morning, and the first time that Woongki opened his locker, he said, “Huh? What’s this?” in a time which was slightly perplexed.
“What’s what?” Han said, leaning over. In lieu of a response Woongki just opened his locker wider. Unlike Han’s new locker, it wasn’t empty; on the top shelf of the locker was a book.
“Interesting,” Shuaibo said. His locker was nowhere near this hallway, and his first period class was on the other side of the school, but for some reason he was here anyway.
“Somebody probably used this locker during summer school and accidentally left it here,” Han said.
Woongki grabbed the book off the shelf. “365 Dad Jokes,” he read. “Oh my god. Guys. IT’S THE SACRED TEXTS.”
“I’m scared,” Shuaibo said.
Woongki lifted the book up, Lion King style. “I’m going to be so powerful,” he said gleefully. He opened the book, flipping it to what Han presumed was the joke of the day. “I once submitted ten puns to a joke competition. I really thought that with that many, one was sure to be a winner. Sadly, no pun in ten did.”
Shuaibo groaned. “That was awful— wait, Han, are you laughing?”
Han was, unfortunately, laughing. It was probably because his sense of humor was broken. “I don’t know, I thought it was pretty good,” he said.
Shuaibo didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. His judgmental expression said everything for him.
Ever since that day, Woongki has started off the morning with a pun from the book. Han, because of the proximity of their lockers, was always in the audience, but otherwise Shuaibo and Jeongwoo were usually there as well. It was almost September when JL was also at Han’s locker to discuss the new music they had received in choir, JL insisting that Han should audition for the solo.
“Come on, your voice is so pretty,” JL said. “You’d definitely get it!”
“I don’t know,” Han said, shy.
“The part is like, perfect for you,” JL insisted.
“Yeah, Hani, it’s perfect for you,” Woongki agreed.
Han groaned. “You don’t even know what the part is.”
“I trust JL’s judgment,” Woongki said, and JL shot him a finger heart.
“I have to get to class now but we are not done talking about this!” JL yelled, and headed off for the stairs.
“Bye JL!” Shuaibo yelled. Jeongwoo waved.
It really was almost time for class, and Han wondered if Woongki had forgotten about his little routine. He’d done it consistently for two weeks now. But right after JL left Woongki whipped the book out with a flourish, dramatically flipping its pages. “Okay, guys,” he said. “Today’s joke is: What crime did Han commit?”
“Huh?” Han said. “Me?”
He had a bad feeling about this.
Woongki smirked. “I don’t know, but apparently he’s really into JAIL.”
Shuaibo and Jeongwoo burst out laughing; a second later, Woongki collapsed into giggles as well.
“That was not the joke of the day,” Han protested, and he wanted to be serious and offended but he couldn’t help but join into the laughter.
“Um, it totally was,” Woongki said, screaming and clutching the book to his chest when Han made a grab for it.
“That was a good one,” Shuaibo gasped.
“Yeah, that was really good,” Jeongwoo agreed. “I like how it is both a joke and a fact.”
Han was definitely blushing at this point. “It’s… okay.”
It was way too late for denial.
So, it was funny, that day in front of their lockers, when they were all almost late to class. It was funny two weeks later, too, when Jeongwoo photoshopped prison bars onto a picture of Han and captioned it CRIME in blocky white letters.
It was slightly less funny when the meme escaped containment and JL started asking around about the context behind the picture. And Han should have just told him. He should have just laughed and said, haven’t you heard? I’m into you. But then he found that he couldn’t laugh about it at all.
It was a terrible pun, actually. The only reason that it worked was because it was true. And Han realized, with a sinking feeling, that this was when his luck ran out. Of course it was something stupid and ridiculous, but Han would expect nothing less. JL was always going to find out at some point. Why not now?
---
Back in elementary school, JL was Juwon’s friend first.
Sometimes Han still feels like JL is Juwon’s friend first. JL doesn’t know about this, but Juwon was really worried about it back in elementary school, that Han and JL were becoming friends as well. Han remembers Juwon crying, saying, he’s going to like you more than me. And Han retorting, that isn’t my fault, I want to be his friend too.
Obviously, they were really young back then. Juwon would never say something like that now, and if he did then Han wouldn’t respond so callously. But he’s thought about it over the years. The most truthful answer he would give is that Juwon and JL are best friends, and because of that, Han gets to be part of JL’s orbit as well.
He isn’t quite sure what JL thinks of him, actually. JL’s always been kind to him, and Han would like to believe that they’re friends. Well— of course they’re friends. But for some reason, sometimes Han feels like JL is awkward with him in a way that JL isn’t at all with Juwon. And Han thinks that maybe it’s his fault.
There was one time when Han got unusually high marks on one of his papers for English. He had been analyzing a poem and wrote that the speaker used metaphor as a rhetorical device to emphasize that falling in love was like being struck with lightning. His teacher had circled it and commented that it was a lovely comparison.
The thing was that Han wasn’t all that great at writing. He liked to write, and his vocabulary was solid enough, but the usual feedback that he got was that he focused too much on the technical details, like the act of getting up and eating breakfast. It was difficult to write with feeling, to tear himself open and pour himself out on the page, the way he knew would be required of him if he really wanted to make his words come alive.
And maybe that’s why he could never write about it, how when he was in fifth grade he was struck by lightning. He didn’t know what a crush was before that. Didn’t know what everybody else was talking about. Didn’t understand those books where the main character would throw everything away for the love interest. It just seemed so boring.
He still remembers it, even though he’ll never admit it. That it was a spring day and JL had turned around and smiled at him and suddenly Han understood everything. He was terrified that JL could see it. That everybody could see it, that flash of light which had set every cell in his body aglow.
In eighth grade they were in health class and their gym teacher was lecturing them about cigarettes. “I know that vaping is the new trend, but I’m required to cover all the bases,” she said. She told them about how these days all cigarettes had warning labels where it was written that every cigarette increased your chances of lung disease.
Sometimes Han thought that JL should come with a warning label. CAUTION: PROLONGED EXPOSURE MIGHT CAUSE PAINFUL INFATUATION. Han had been around JL for years at this point, so he was a lost cause in that regard.
Juwon was no exception. He had the platonic version of Han’s debilitating crush.
Maybe it wasn’t lung disease, but Han’s chest frequently hurt around JL, so maybe it was something similar? Definitely something chronic: now he was in eleventh grade and it still felt as bright and terrifying as six years ago. Sometimes he wants to believe that it makes him special, that he’s liked JL for so long, but isn’t it meaningless? In the end, it won’t make JL like him back.
Han’s just accepted it at this point, along with his terrible eyesight and mild scoliosis. He’s been dealing with it for years, and he’ll continue to deal with it. But just like how his parents found out about the issue with his eyesight because he kept squinting at everything, his friends found out about him liking JL because Han was just too obvious. He could hide it for a short period of time, but not for multiple years.
Well, with one exception. Han is pretty sure that JL still doesn’t know.
---
It’s been a few minutes since Juwon told Han that he’s in a fight with JL about the meme, but for Han it’s been forever. And really, there’s a very simple solution to Juwon’s problem.
“Don’t worry,” Han tells Juwon. “I’ll explain it to him, and I’m sure he’ll understand why you didn’t say anything.”
“What?” Juwon says, eyes widening.
“I mean, you didn’t want to sell me out, right? Which, by the way, thanks, I owe—”
“No, I mean, you’re going to tell him? ” Juwon asks, shocked. “Like you’re going to tell him that you like him?”
“Uh…” Han says. “That is the plan, yes.”
Juwon’s eyes and mouth are all circles: surprise, disbelief, and… excitement? Meanwhile, Han doesn’t even know what he’s thinking. He feels a little bit like he’s in line for a rollercoaster, one he’s waited three hours for on a dare, and now at the front he’s got a good view of the loop-de-loops and ninety-degree drops, but it’s too late to turn back. It’s been too late for a while now.
“Oh my god,” Juwon says. “That’s…”
“What?” Han says. “Did you think I would just never say anything ever?”
“Um,” Juwon says.
“Yeah, don’t answer that,” Han concedes. Up until like thirty minutes ago, he had planned to keep it a secret until he died.
“So, like, when are you going to tell him?” Juwon whispers.
Han thinks about it for a second. “Maybe Saturday?” he says. “That way I can do my homework beforehand and then have a weekend to be depressed if I get rejected. Or, I guess, when I get rejected.”
“Wait— you think that he’s going to reject you?” Juwon says, and now he looks confused.
“I don’t know,” Han says. “Yeah? Probably.”
It’s never really been worth thinking about, the possibility that JL might like him back. Han is just Han. It makes no sense. He is starting to feel like this might be a terrible idea, but there are no good options anymore. At some point JL is going to hear it from somebody. It might as well be him.
“That makes no sense,” Juwon says.
“It’s fine,” Han says. “I mean, I’m pretty obvious. Maybe he already knows.”
It’s true that Han had always hoped that JL didn’t know, but maybe he did. Maybe JL was just too nice to say anything, not wanting to hurt Han’s feelings. It would explain why they were always kind of awkward with each other.
“There’s no way,” Juwon says immediately.
Han is taken aback by the authority in Juwon’s voice. “How can you be sure?”
“I mean there’s just no way. JL is so oblivious,” Juwon says, and okay, yeah, that’s true. “And personally I think—”
Juwon stops.
“What?” Han says.
“Um,” Juwon says. “Well, I don’t want to say anything, because I don’t know for sure. But, like, he cares a lot about you, you know? I don’t think it will go as badly as you think it will.”
Han grimaces. “I appreciate that.”
They stare off at each other. At this moment Cookie wakes up and gracefully jumps off Han’s lap, totally uncaring that he has been holding himself unnaturally still for the past hour. She pads toward Juwon, who immediately brightens up and squats down to pet her.
“Okay, well, I think that’s all I have to say,” Juwon says, standing up with his arms full of cat. He hovers in the doorway of Han’s room, seemingly unsure of himself. “And also, just, good luck?”
Han laughs despite himself. “Fighting?”
“Fighting!” Juwon repeats, with a small smile, and then he leaves the room.
---
Han doesn’t tend to stress about things until they’re right in front of him, which is probably why he hasn’t considered the logistics of confessing to JL for the multiple years that he’s liked him and is now cramming all those considerations into the last two days.
He sees JL at morning choir on Thursday and is surprised that he can act normal. He talks to JL about music theory and all the while he’s thinking, this is one of the last times I’ll talk to you without you knowing.
Part of him doesn’t want to confess. The truth is he isn’t ready to be rejected. He’s in math class on Friday picturing JL’s reaction, his friend’s gaze hardening in disgust, asking do you really think that I would ever like you back? before punching Han in the face. Which is— fine, that isn’t what Han’s scared of. It would be pretty entertaining if it went down like that, actually, but it would never happen.
No, JL will be nice no matter what. That’s what Han is scared of. That JL will reject him nicely. To close the lid on the coffin of that quiet hope Han’s held for years.
At least it should explain to JL why everybody wouldn’t tell him. Han can’t believe a literal meme is ruining his life, but his life can be ridiculous at times. But he needs to make sure that JL and Juwon don’t stress about something this stupid. After Han confesses, those two should be fine. Maybe JL will stop coming over in the mornings, which would make Han sad, but— those two can always hang out without him.
If it’s too awkward. If JL pities him too much.
“Pop quiz,” their teacher announces.
“On a Friday?” Woongki demands, as the rest of the class groans.
Han closes his eyes and thinks, get me out of here.
---
Come Saturday morning, Han sits at his desk and stares at his phone screen, trying to work up the courage to text JL.
Are you free right now? he finally sends.
JL responds right away: yeah I’m not doing anything. what’s up?
They agree to meet at the park. As Han is tying his shoelaces, Juwon taps him on the shoulder.
“Are you…” Juwon whispers.
“Yeah,” Han says.
Juwon nods. “Let me know how it goes.”
Han walks to the park like a prisoner heading for the gallows. He gets there before JL and takes a seat on the swings. It’s too cold today; there’s nobody here. He looks up at the sky, squinting at the bright sunlight, so brilliant it hurts his eyes.
JL takes a seat on the swing next to him.
“Hey,” Han says.
JL smiles at him. “Hi.”
And here is the thing. Having a crush on JL is inconvenient and brutal, but it’s also really… not. Sometimes when Han is around JL, liking him just feels natural, a warm feeling like a gift. So even though Han is extremely aware that he’s about to ruin their friendship, it doesn’t feel as bad as it should.
When he tells JL the meaning behind the meme, quoting Woongki’s joke almost word for word, he’s so nervous that he feels like he might throw up. And he was so concerned about whether JL would accept or reject his feelings that he didn’t exactly consider that there might be another reaction. Which is why he is not at all prepared for what happens next.
JL starts laughing. He grabs Han’s hand and laughs so hard that he nearly falls off the swings.
Come on. The joke is not THAT funny.
“Are you good?” Han asks.
“Yeah,” JL says, nodding, but then he starts laughing again. “Wait, wait, no. Give me a minute.”
“I don’t know what’s happening,” Han says.
He’s literally terrified. They’re still holding hands and JL still hasn’t given him an actual answer. So Han waits for him to calm down, waits for JL to kill him with kindness. He’s pretty sure he’s already dead, anyway.
Instead, JL kisses him.
It’s cold outside and Han’s never kissed anybody else before, and it’s okay because he doesn’t ever want to kiss anyone besides JL. Somehow it reminds him of when he fell in love for the first time, all those years ago, how it rewires every fiber of his being. The way the ice in his chest melts, sunlight rushing through his veins, his heart gently illuminated.
“Um,” JL whispers as he pulls away. “I hope that was okay.”
“Yeah,” Han stutters. It was more than okay. Please do that again, he wants to say, but he’s not used to this at all. He wants to bottle up the way that JL is looking at him right now and keep it safe forever. Something that no amount of money would ever be able to buy.
“Sorry if I’m bad at kissing, by the way,” is what Han ends up saying. “That was my first time.”
JL hides a smile behind his hand. “I don’t have any more experience than you.”
“Yeah but you usually look at the screen when people kiss in movies while I look away,” Han says.
“And you think that makes me better at kissing than you?” JL says incredulously.
“I don’t know, maybe,” Han protests.
“Hani you’re usually so smart but I really don’t think that’s how it works,” JL says, which makes them both laugh.
“Okay then, let’s practice,” Han says.
“Practice?” JL asks, and Han suddenly realizes that both of them are kind of terrible at speaking. Han says the weirdest things while JL tends to ramble. This might be a disaster.
Han is so looking forward to it.
“Yes,” Han says seriously. “What? Practice is not a crime.”
“I guess it isn’t,” JL says. His eyes are so bright right now. Han can’t look away. “Let’s practice a lot, then.”
---
Han usually isn’t one to lose track of time, but with JL the minutes slip away, a thin silver chain through his fingers. He would have stayed with JL in the park until sunset, until the sky was full of stars.
However, because Han’s confession was poorly planned at best and JL had no idea about it until it was happening, JL had told his mom that he would be back home at noon for lunch. Han doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, why it’s so difficult to say goodbye. JL isn’t going to another country. He literally lives a few blocks away. Han thinks he might be losing his mind.
But— “I should definitely put Juwon out of his misery,” Han says. “That was the original point.”
“The original point of what?” JL says.
“Um,” Han says, embarrassed. “Well, he said that you guys were fighting over the meme, so I decided to tell you what it was about, so that you would stop fighting.”
“You wouldn’t have told me that you liked me otherwise?”
“Probably not,” Han says.
“You’re so…” JL says, and shakes his head. “I’m going to buy Juwon flowers. Or maybe just one flower because while Juwon deserves flowers plural I don’t have enough money for that. But yeah, tell him I’m not mad at him anymore. I’m really glad I got to hear it from you.”
“Okay,” Han says. “You should… go to lunch now.”
“I should go to lunch now,” JL repeats.
JL ends up staying at the park for another half hour.
Han doesn’t even know what he’s going to tell Juwon. Maybe just it’s cool, I explained it to him, you guys should be fine now. He doesn’t have much time to figure it out because Juwon is waiting on the porch when he gets back. When Juwon spots Han he jumps off from where he was sitting and runs over.
“You were gone forever,” Juwon demands. “So how did it go?”
Han needs to say something. He needs to sound normal. However, there are no words in his brain so he just ends up smiling, crazy and lovestruck, and Juwon gasps.
“Oh my god,” Juwon says, taking a step back.
“Um,” Han says.
“OH MY GOD,” Juwon repeats. “He likes you too, right?”
Han looks away. “I think so…”
“You guys— I just—” Juwon says. Every emotion that has ever been invented in the course of human history is flashing across his face right now, one after the other like he’s trying to decide which one to settle on.
Eventually, Juwon just screams.
“Are you okay?” Han says.
“I KNEW IT. I CALLED IT,” Juwon says, excited but also deeply aggrieved and exasperated. “Oh my god. I suffered for YEARS.”
“I apologize.”
“This is going to be so…” Juwon says, before shaking his head. “Anyway. Congrats, I guess.”
Han laughs. “Thanks.”
“You guys are both idiots. Seriously.”
Han can’t argue with that.
They’re both silent for a minute, processing the information. Eventually Han recovers enough to tell Juwon, “JL isn’t mad at you anymore, by the way.”
“Well, he better not be,” Juwon scoffs. “Actually, I’m mad at him now! You guys are going to be so insufferable.”
Han says nothing. He wants to promise that they won’t be insufferable but he already has a feeling that they might not keep that promise.
Juwon sighs. “Hey,” he says. “I really am happy for you, by the way. Sorry if I’m being weird.”
“No, I think it’s fair,” Han says.
“So like, what even happened?” Juwon says. “You were gone for a really long time. You should explain. In detail. But not too much detail if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Juwon protests. “You were literally there.”
Han really doesn’t know, though. The whole thing felt like a dream. He still can’t believe it really happened. Somehow he feels like if he tells Juwon he’ll wake up. “I told him that I like him and we decided to go out,” is what he finally says.
“I see,” Juwon says. “Well. This should be interesting.”
---
Han had timed his confession so that he would have the weekend to recover if he got rejected, which works out because even though he didn’t get rejected it turns out he has to recover anyway.
Maybe it was a dream. Like there is no way that actually happened. He wants so badly to see JL again, just to confirm it. He replays the memory in his head over and over, the way that JL had looked at him like he was everything. Han doesn’t think he imagined it, because he could never come up with something like that, but it’s really crazy.
Like. Seriously. JL likes… him?
To be fair, JL is kind of insane in his own way. Han remembers that their middle school had a Twilight craze, or maybe a Twilight controversy, in that everybody had very strong opinions about the series whether they loved or hated it.
Han’s friend in English was vehemently on the hate side— he distinctly remembers her explaining to him that Bella was a terrible role model for teenage girls and that her relationship with Edward exhibited so many toxic behaviors. Han was pretty impressed by her argument, but for a long time Han’s only opinion of the Twilight series was that it was incredibly boring. He read the first few pages of the first book, where Bella described her outfit and her thoughts on the weather, and then decided that he didn’t need to read the next hundred pages. At that point in his life Han was beginning to understand the draw of romantic novels, but this was not it.
However, JL loved Twilight, and since Han had decided he wouldn’t read it and Juwon also decided that he wouldn’t read it (in middle school Juwon was scared of vampires), JL ended up insisting that they watch the movies instead. “Or, just the first one,” JL said. “At least. Juwon, I promise it isn’t scary.”
“... Alright,” Juwon said.
So in seventh grade they had all sat down to watch Twilight (2008). Han made three types of popcorn so that even if the movie was bad the snacks would compensate.
“Isn’t Robert Pattinson so hot?” JL said dreamily.
“I mean… he could use a bit of a tan,” Han said critically.
“He’s a vampire,” JL stressed. “He’s supposed to be pale.”
Han shrugged. “He looks anemic.”
JL’s eyes twitched. “HE’S A VAMPIRE.”
Han thought he would be bored out of his mind but it was entertaining in a ridiculous way. When Edward started sparkling in the sun he burst out into laughter. JL looked so done with him.
“That was pretty funny,” Han said, when it was over.
JL crossed his arms. “I don’t think you have a single romantic bone in your body.”
“Maybe not,” Han said. “Can we watch the next one the next time you come over?”
They ended up watching all five of the movies in the Twilight saga, spread over several weeks. Juwon looked kind of traumatized by the events of Breaking Dawn, but after that he was less scared of vampires.
It was a point of contention between Han and JL, whether the Twilight movies were romantic or not. There was one time Han made fun of it a little too much and JL actually got pissed at him, and after that Han tried to say less. He liked Twilight ironically, because it was so ridiculous and because he had fun watching it with JL and Juwon, but JL never liked anything ironically.
If Han didn’t know how to be romantic, then JL didn’t know how to be insincere. Han admired him for it, really. Han liked to be witty but sometimes he could be mean instead, and he always regretted it afterward. JL’s honest view of looking at the world was what made it so easy to be around him.
They haven’t talked about Twilight in some time. Han also hasn’t rewatched it because there are other movies he would rather rewatch. But he stands by Edward being unattractive, and that it’s stupid that he sparkles in the sun. Han knows someone who actually shines, and it’s a lot more subtle— a sparkle in his eyes and the sun in his smile. Compared to that, CGI glitter just seems kind of tacky.
The point is, Han’s kind of always known that JL has terrible taste. Turns out it works in his favor.
---
JL had asked him at the park if Han wanted to tell their friends that they were dating.
Han had said no, not yet. First of all, because Han hadn’t processed the news himself and was still half-convinced that JL was going to take it all back and reject him. Second of all, because he wanted to keep JL to himself for a bit. And third of all, because their friends were definitely going to tease them to hell and back and Han isn’t ready for that.
However, maybe Han should have considered that it wasn’t his choice.
On Monday, when he stops by his locker, he makes eye contact with Woongki and immediately starts to panic. It must be written all over his face. He immediately looks away and starts fidgeting with his locker combination, eyes focused on the dial.
“What?” Woongki says, sensing blood in the water.
“What?” Han repeats. He’s managed to get his locker open at this point and is now shoving his backpack into it.
“You’re being weird,” Woongki says. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” Han says, hiding his face in his locker and rummaging through his backpack.
“Did you do something wrong?” Woongki asks, clearly not believing him. “Should I be mad at you?”
“No.”
“Jeongwoo!” Woongki calls.
This is bad. This is so bad.
“What’s up?” Jeongwoo says, walking over.
“Han’s being weird,” Woongki stresses. “I think something happened. Do you know anything about it?”
“I’m not being weird,” Han protests. He is still halfway in his locker.
“Look me in the eyes,” Woongki demands.
Han reluctantly turns around and faces Woongki, trying to look normal, but instead he breaks into a smile, nervous and elated. He wants to tell JL it’s his fault. Ever since that day Han has had no control over his facial expressions.
“Okay something SO happened,” Woongki says.
“No! You’re just making me nervous,” Han says.
“You’re nervous because you have something to hide,” Woongki counters. Han is grateful that at least Shuaibo isn’t here this morning. Woongki’s hard enough to deal with on his own, but an interrogation by the both of them would have been infinitely worse.
“You do seem to be in an unusually good mood this morning,” Jeongwoo observes.
“I am so not,” Han protests, but he keeps smiling, despite himself. Hey, isn’t Jeongwoo supposed to be his friend?
“Yeah, Han, share with the class,” Woongki says.
Han checks his watch. There are still a few minutes left before the bell rings. “I… did well on the last pop quiz?”
“You always do well on the pop quizzes,” Woongki says. “Why do you look like JL kissed you or something?”
Han immediately turns back into his locker, but it’s too late.
“HAN?!” Woongki shouts.
“NOTHING HAPPENED,” Han shouts back, muffled.
Woongki attempts to pull him out of the locker. “LOOK AT ME.”
“Oh my god,” Jeongwoo says. “Han. Really?”
“Fine, Han, don’t tell me!” Woongki threatens. “I’m going to ask JL if he knows anything about why you’re in a good mood when I see him in physics.”
“Okay, fine, ask him,” Han says. They are in so much trouble.
“I will,” Woongki says sweetly.
“Wait, Han, are you serious?” Jeongwoo says, but then the bell finally rings and Han is saved for the time being.
Woongki keeps trying to catch his eye in math but Han keeps his eye on the board, writing notes out of instinct even though he isn’t actually paying all that much attention. It’s fine. One time Juwon remarked that Han would still keep his grades up even if it were the apocalypse, and honestly it kind of feels like that right now.
Han’s morning ends with AP Physics, which is one and a half periods long, so that Han only has half a lunch. As always Han beelines to the cafeteria so that he can eat before his next class, and once he’s safely situated at a table with his sandwich he checks his phone, where there are way more notifications than normal.
Woongki has texted him multiple times. Han doesn’t open the texts but the preview has a concerning amount of exclamation marks. Shuaibo has also texted him: OMFG HAN. Han ignores that one too.
There’s a string of texts from JL which he does open.
JL: UM
JL: i’m not sure how he figured it out but woongki just came up to me in physics and asked me if we were dating
JL: i couldn’t lie
JL: sorry
Well. Telling Woongki about their relationship is like calling into the local radio station and announcing it there. Everybody is going to know by the end of the day.
Han: It’s okay.
Han: It’s my fault anyway. Woongki just saw me this morning and knew.
JL: lol
Han: Aren’t you in class right now?
JL: … yes.
Han: JL. FOCUS.
JL dislikes the message but stops texting him. Han likes this boy so much.
A message appears from Jeongwoo at the top of the screen. I’m bringing popcorn to school tomorrow.
---
Han has morning choir with JL the next day. As soon as they’re dismissed Han grabs his bag and goes to find him. JL is on the other side of the room with his binder open, writing notes on his sheet music, and Han taps him on the shoulder. JL turns around and beams at him.
“You know how my locker is next to Woongki’s, right?” Han says.
JL puts his hand over his mouth, understanding immediately. “Yeah.”
“Wish me luck,” Han says.
“Good luck,” JL says. “Do you think it will be better or worse if I’m there with you?”
“Um,” Han says. “I think it might be worse if you’re there but also I kind of want you there anyway?”
“Okay,” JL says. “Should we hold hands?”
“I don’t think we should give him more material to work with.”
“... You might be right.”
Somehow it feels alright if JL’s by his side. Predictably, Woongki, Shuaibo, and Jeongwoo are all crowded around Han’s locker, passing around a bag of— what the hell, Jeongwoo actually did bring popcorn. It’s the nice kind too, the caramel and cheddar mix which is so popular around here.
“Guys,” Han says. “I actually do need to put my backpack in my locker.”
Woongki looks like it’s his birthday and Christmas all rolled into one. “So,” he says, and it’s actually incredible how he manages to load that one word with so much unabashed delight.
“So,” Shuaibo says, equally gleeful.
“Did you two rehearse this?” Han asks.
Woongki ignores him, turning to face Shuaibo. “Hey, you know how we became friends with JL in sophomore year, right?”
“Yes, it was really interesting,” Shuaibo responds solemnly, looking at Woongki. “We kept asking him back then if he had a crush on Han but JL kept saying that they were just friends.”
“Right? He repeated it often enough that I actually ended up believing him,” Woongki says.
Shuaibo sighs. “JL? More like DENI-AL.”
“They definitely rehearsed this,” Han says to nobody in particular. JL looks like he’s about to die.
“So what do you have to say, JL?” Woongki asks.
“Okay, well, obviously it wasn’t true,” JL stammers. “I really like him…”
“Oh my god look at Han’s smile,” Shuaibo stage-whispers.
“I’m going to class now,” JL announces. He looks at Han, blushes violently, and walks away.
“This is so much fun,” Woongki gushes.
“I’m glad you’re having a good time,” Han grits out.
“So like, how did it happen, anyway?” Woongki says.
“Did it by any chance have anything to do with the meme?” Shuaibo says. “I was going to apologize to you, actually, but now I think I did you a favor. My Venmo is zhangshu02 if you want to say thank you.”
Han rolls his eyes. He was a little mad at Shuaibo for sending that meme into the group chat but he can hardly be mad at him anymore. “You really stressed JL out with that.”
“Yeah, but it worked,” Shuaibo says.
“Okay, fine, thank you,” Han says. School hasn’t even started and his social battery has already been drained to a negative percentage. He steals the popcorn bag from Jeongwoo and grabs a handful. At least this popcorn is fucking delicious.
---
So. Now everybody knows.
He and JL don’t have to figure out how to break the news, because Woongki and Shuaibo do it for them. By the end of the week, the whole school is aware that Han is JL’s boyfriend.
It’s a little daunting. Liking JL is simple enough— so many people liked JL that it was mainstream. Telling somebody that you liked JL was kind of like telling them that you liked How To Train Your Dragon, or You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. It was a safe bet, something that made you relatable.
Dating him? Well.
It’s kind of awkward because Han has AP Gov Econ with Steven, and they have the liking JL thing in common. The two of them are good friends, and Han considers Steven one of his favorite people in this school. Their teacher often assigns group projects, and Han always likes working with Steven because they split the work fifty-fifty, instead of Han having to do everything himself.
Han had to respect Steven in that Steven’s symptoms were even worse than his own, and for a while Han thought that Steven had the best chance out of any of them. So when Steven slides into his seat next to Han, Han has no idea what Steven is going to say. There’s a moment where they just look at each other, and then Steven gives him a small smile.
“I heard from Woongki that you’re dating JL now,” Steven says. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” Han says.
He wants to tell Steven, my friend thinks that you’re cute, but he knows that this is not the time and that he shouldn’t be the one to say it. Oh well. Jeongwoo can tell Steven himself when he feels up to it.
So, even though Han is over the moon that JL likes him back, it also freaks him out. He gets a text from Woongki later, saying oh btw hani i’m sure i don’t even have to tell you this :) but if you mess up i’ll ruin your life you know that right and Han texts back Yeah I know.
He isn’t used to feeling like this, at all.
Han has never minded being bad at things. His friends have a running joke that Han is such a good cook that it would put Gordon Ramsay to shame, but Han has no idea where they got that from because Han is not a good cook at all— he’s just one of the only people that he knows that actually tries to cook. He’s failed at it plenty. But Han’s always figured that failing today doesn’t mean failing tomorrow.
He’s lucky, because his parents are both obsessed with books and read all these parenting manuals before he and Juwon were born, so instead of comparing Han to those around him like some of his friends’ parents did, they always insisted that Han should only compete with himself.
One time Chihen had come over, because he and Juwon had a project together. “Are you guys friends?” Han had asked, and Juwon had said that he would probably say yes but Chihen would probably say no. Anyway, Chihen had tried to leave before dinner but Han’s parents insisted on feeding him, and so Chihen had sat at their dinner table and ate a plateful of rice and fish and kimchi, and before Chihen left he told Juwon and Han, his face perfectly blank, “Your family is perfect.”
It stuck with Han. He’s pretty sure it stuck with Juwon too. Their family isn’t perfect by any means— sometimes their parents fight so loudly that he and Juwon can’t sleep, and sometimes Han and Juwon fight so loudly that their parents can’t sleep, but they’ve always been the kind of family to eat dinner around the kitchen table together when they’re all at home and maybe that’s enough.
So. Failure. Han isn’t all that sensitive to it, because his parents are kind and because he isn’t a sensitive person in general. Not like Juwon. Juwon loves swimming but when he was younger he couldn’t admit it, because he loved it too much. He’s always been good, yeah, but that wasn’t good enough for him— he practiced so much so that he could be an ace, so that he could be good not just for his age but in general, so good it was undeniable.
It made criticism hurt that much more. There were plenty of times that Juwon would come home from practice, his eyes red, insisting that it was just the pool chlorine. Angry at himself for not improving fast enough, for having so much room to improve in the first place.
Han didn’t understand that. When he burned something in the kitchen, he just figured that he would try it again. When his voice teacher criticized him, Han listened and took notes. It was fine if he wasn’t good at something right away. He’s always tried to approach things with the mindset that he could get better.
But dating JL? Being his boyfriend? Han has never been so scared to fail at something in his entire life.
---
Maybe it’s like a counterpart to the five stages of grief, though. Something like the five stages of excitement?
Because yeah, dating JL is terrifying, but it’s also exhilarating, and sometimes when they’re together Han just feels totally at peace. Like, there’s a reason why it’s been you for so long.
And also… it’s just kind of funny, sometimes.
For the record, privacy is not a concept at either of their houses. Han’s never minded that, because he doesn’t really have anything to hide, and his parents and brother also aren’t the kind of people to go reading his diary or anything. He rarely even closes the door to his room, let alone locks it.
JL lives in a cramped townhouse, and didn’t have his own room until his two sisters were both in college. Han’s been over a couple of times and doors might as well not exist in that house, his mom barging in to ply Han and Juwon with more fruit than they could ever possibly eat, three separate times in one day.
So actually, it was pretty rare for Han and JL to ever be alone together, especially because Han and Juwon fought over JL’s time like they did over the last custard bun from the A-Mart, measuring it down to the millimeter. It was easier, in the end, to just hang out as a group of three.
Basically, Han isn’t really used to being alone with JL at all.
JL: hani!! are you free right now
Han is doing his homework right now, but he types yes anyway.
JL: yay ^_^ do you want to meet at the park?
Han: See you there.
“I’m going on a walk,” Han shouts.
“Okay,” his mom shouts back.
It isn’t unusual for Han to go on walks. Oftentimes, when he gets sick of doing homework or practicing a song, he’ll take a lap around the neighborhood, and by the time he gets back he’ll feel more refreshed. Juwon takes walks by himself a lot as well for similar reasons.
It isn’t like Han is lying, or anything. Sure, he has a particular destination these days when he never used to, but it’s still technically a walk.
Han went to this park a lot with Juwon when he was younger, sometimes with both Juwon and JL, since it’s so close to their houses. The playground is on the simpler side, and Han remembers that once he and Juwon had mastered using the playground equipment, they began to work on misusing it. There was a sign on the side that said DO NOT CLIMB, but Han thinks it’s just human nature, after going down the slide a couple of times, to try and climb back up. He and Juwon would dare each other to get around the entire playground without touching the floor of the structure, and when Han was nine he somehow ended up atop the plastic roof, the tallest point.
Juwon had started crying out of fear. Han wanted to console him, but he had no idea how to get down, and at that moment was also discovering that he had a fear of heights. It’s a memory he will never forget.
Once they grew up a little they stopped coming here as often, as there were more impressive parks and playgrounds in their area. But now Han thinks that it’s charming. He once again familiarizes himself with the details of the playground, imagining himself as the engineer, carefully fitting all the pieces together. On one wall of the playground is a solar system represented by concentric disks; a crank in the middle caused the planets to orbit around the painted sun. Built underneath the structure is a plastic panel with fat metal keys, covered in gold spray paint, a piano with a single octave; above it, engraved in the panel, are several bars of sheet music.
Han squats down, woodchips getting on his knees. Plonks out Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Last time it was Frere Jacques.
He feels JL settle next to him. “That A is so flat,” JL says.
“We should call a piano tuner to come and fix it,” Han says.
“How much do you think a piano tuner would charge for this?” JL asks. They’re sandwiched between the mini piano and the back of one of the slides, and there’s nobody here at the park but Han likes the shield anyway, and he hopes he’ll never run out of one-octave songs to play.
He closes his eyes when JL kisses him. They’re in a bad position and Han ends up falling into the piano, a discordant metal clang. He feels JL laugh against his mouth.
It’s too cold these days to be outside, but Han likes this too much. There are woodchips in his sneakers and he can feel the distinct places where he and JL are touching, the slide of JL’s jeans against his track pants, JL’s knee on his thigh. JL’s face is cold where Han’s fingers rest against his cheek and his mouth is so, so soft.
They kiss curiously, sweetly. Han hopes that JL is having as much fun as he is.
It’s just them, until the sound of the wind changes and Han pulls away. “Somebody’s here.”
He looks around the plastic panel. On the trail leading into the park is a girl walking her dog.
“Oh my god,” JL gushes, excited.
“It’s so fluffy,” Han agrees, fascinated.
“Let’s go ask if we can pet it,” JL says, grabbing his hand. And then— “Wait, do I look presentable?”
Han considers this. “Yeah. You look fine.”
“Great. You too,” JL says, and Han ducks out from underneath the playground right after him, their laughter carrying on the wind.
---
So, while being alone with JL still makes Han so nervous that he wants to explode, JL definitely makes it easy for him, this look in his eyes like he’d be okay with anything that Han wants to do. Han wonders why JL trusts him that much, but he can’t complain.
Maybe the real issue is being with JL around other people. Han didn’t really think anything of it before they started dating, but these days he can’t remember what it was like before.
At least with Juwon, JL had told him explicitly what to do. “I don’t want him to feel left out,” JL had said. “So let’s not, um…”
“Be insufferable?” Han supplied.
“Yes,” JL said, relieved. “Let’s not be insufferable.”
That worked, because when the three of them walked to school together the week after Han and JL started going out, Juwon started off looking like he wanted to bolt, his eyes shaking, but slowly relaxed as they all talked as they usually did. Han and JL didn’t hold hands, didn’t touch except on accident.
Han was glad for that. He knew that Juwon was in an awkward position, and he didn’t want to make it more awkward for him than necessary.
But while Han had received instructions about Juwon, he didn’t know what to do around everybody else. When Woongki and Shuaibo looked at them, Han felt like they expected a show, but he wasn’t the kind of person to do that. When they ran into Chihen in the hallway, Chihen took one look at the two of them and rolled his eyes, and Han took a step away on instinct.
JL didn’t say anything until later.
“Hey, um,” JL says hesitantly, when they’re at the park, sitting on the swings. “Are you, um, embarrassed?”
“Of what?” Han asks.
“Of… me? I guess?” JL asks. He won’t meet Han’s eyes. “Like, are you embarrassed to be dating me?”
“What? No!” Han says. I’m the luckiest person in the world to be dating you, he thinks, but does not say.
JL still won’t look at him. And Han realizes he should probably say it.
“I’m not embarrassed to be dating you,” Han says, fighting the discomfort. “It’s the opposite, really.”
“Then,” JL says, fiddling with his sleeves. “Why do you act like we’re just friends, in school?”
“I thought that was what you wanted,” Han says. “Like with Juwon. You’re a really considerate person. So I guess. I just thought…”
JL is silent for a moment. And then— “I’m not as considerate as you think I am.”
“Okay,” Han says, his chest uncomfortably tight. “Thanks for telling me. I’ll keep that in mind.”
JL finally looks at him, gaze anxious, and Han realizes at that moment that JL is as terrified of messing up as he is.
The next day at school, Han takes JL’s hand after morning choir and demands that JL walk with him to his locker. Keeps his grip on JL’s hand even as Shuaibo and Woongki tease them, telling himself it’s fine, that they’ll be old news soon. When they’re waiting for Juwon after swim practice in the afternoon, Han can feel Chihen’s gaze boring into his back, and Han presses a kiss to JL’s cheek.
“What was that for?” JL asks. He’s blushing, but there’s a small smile on his face so Han figures he did something right.
Han shrugs. “Nothing.”
It’s alright if JL isn’t as considerate as Han thinks that he is. Han isn’t considerate at all.
---
Han is aware that he needs to tell his parents at some point that he and JL are dating, but he’s putting it off because, well, he’s pretty sure that they’re going to tell him not to do certain things, and then it’s going to be written all over his face that those are things that he really, really wants to do, and then he’ll die of embarrassment and never get to kiss JL again. Because he’s dead.
He’s lucky that Juwon’s no snitch. Juwon’s also able to look him and JL in the eye again these days, so things are definitely improving on that end.
But he needs to tell his parents soon, because first of all if he waits too long then it’s going to start getting weird, and second of all, Han is just not good at lying. Like at all.
JL texts him this weekend asking him if he wants to go to the forest preserve with him. The forest preserve is close by but not that close by, and it would be easier to take the car, but his parents are pretty strict when it comes to Han borrowing the car and if Han has to explain why he needs it today he will crumble like wet paper.
It’s fine. He’ll just bike instead. Unfortunately, his mom catches him with the bike lock around his wrist, and asks, “Hani, you know the combination, right?”
“Um, yes,” Han says, and recites it. His dad set the combination years ago, and it seemed random until one day his mom mentioned that it was the date that they first held hands. Han was pretty shocked. His dad is usually funny in a cynical way, giving off the impression that he didn’t care much for romance at all despite literally being married, but he uses that combination for so many things. It was just so unexpected.
“Where are you going, anyway?” his mom asks. It’s just a casual question but Han immediately panics.
“I’m going to the forest preserve,” he says. “For an assignment.”
What the fuck. Where did that come from?
“What’s the assignment?” she asks.
“Um… identifying native and invasive species,” Han says. He is definitely sweating at this point. He isn’t taking environmental science right now. He is in AP Physics. Why the fuck would he have that assignment?
“Ooh,” his mom says. “That sounds interesting. Let me know what you find.”
“Alright,” Han says, ears burning red.
For the record, Jeongwoo is taking AP Environmental Science right now, and genuinely did have the assignment that Han lied about. Han is going to have to ask Jeongwoo to send it over.
Nobody else asks him any other questions on the way out of the house. Han always feels weird after a lie so the long bike ride is nice. He resolves to tell his parents next weekend.
As poorly designed as the suburbs can be— the sidewalks aren’t well-connected so Han has to walk his bike along several stretches of grass— the ring of forest preserves around here is genuinely a great example of urban planning. The preserve that they’re meeting at is so vast that JL and Han actually have to text to find each other.
“Sorry,” JL says, when Han finally meets him. “I forgot that this place was so big.”
“No problem,” Han says.
“I volunteer here sometimes and the meeting location for that is always the same. The steward is really nice, he always brings food and when it gets cold he also makes hot chocolate for everybody and— um. Anyway. Do you want to walk around?”
Han smiles. “Yes.”
It’s a gorgeous day, late fall setting the preserve ablaze in burnt shades of red and orange. It’s probably one of the last days they’ll have before winter officially creeps in, and it’ll really be too cold to meet up outside. Han has his hands shoved deep in the lined pockets of his jacket, and JL shyly sticks a hand into Han’s pocket as well.
“Your hands are really cold,” Han observes. “Did you bike here?”
“Yeah. I lost my gloves.”
Han winces. Offers his other pocket to JL.
It’s so cold that it’s really not a permanent fix than anything, but after JL’s hands are somewhat less cold they start walking around. There’s a map of the various trails on the side of the road, and they pick the one that seems the least insane.
“Do you think you’ll take AP Environmental Science next year?” Han asks.
“Yes,” JL says immediately. “It will be my reward for surviving physics this year.”
Han considers this. “My reward for surviving AP Physics this year will be taking more AP Physics next year.”
JL grimaces. “Hani, I’m sorry that I have to tell you this, but while I like you very much, I also think that you are also clinically insane.”
“That’s alright,” Han says. The only part of that sentence he cares about is I like you very much anyway.
They walk around, following the trail. Hilariously enough, JL does actually point out several invasive species to him, and when they see a family of deer they stop for a good five minutes just to stop and stare.
While the main trail is a circle, there are a few side paths leading out, like leaves off a stem. At the end of these paths are abstract stone sculptures, carved with drawings of the plants in the preserve, labeled with their names. “Silphium laciniatum,” Han reads, with no idea if he’s pronounced it correctly. “Compass plant.”
“I always wonder who made these sculptures,” JL says.
Han nods. “It does feel kind of Easter Island-ish.”
“I remember that time you explained to Juwon and me all the different theories about Easter Island,” JL says. “That’s probably one of the times I’ve heard you talk the most.”
Han looks away. He did have an Easter Island phase back in middle school. It’s just interesting, okay? Like, how did those statues get there?
They end up making a game of looking for more of the stone sculptures. Near the end of the trail, like a grand finale, is a small stone pavilion, the names of the seasons carved into the pillars. It’s surrounded by grasses taller than their heads, vines wrapping around the roof.
They walk into the pavilion. “I’m going to tell my parents next weekend that we’re dating,” Han says, not looking at JL. “It’s been like a month. So I think it’s time.”
“Let me know how it goes,” JL says. “I hope they aren’t. Like. Disappointed, or anything? That it’s me.”
“You know my mom likes you more than she likes me and Juwon,” Han says. Actually, that’s another reason that he hasn’t told his parents yet. He needed to make sure that they were actually dating first— if he told them and it turned out to all just be a dream, his mom might take it harder than Han himself.
“That’s not true,” JL laughs.
Han decides that he will let JL think that he’s kidding. “Have you told your parents yet?”
JL nods. “A while ago. I’m bad at keeping secrets so I just told them. It was kind of… well. Now every time I say that I’m going over to Juwon’s my mom goes, you mean, you’re going to Han’s? Which is kind of embarrassing.”
Han smiles.
“Why did I just tell you that,” JL says, eyes wide.
You’re cute, Han does not say. Instead he just backs JL up against one of the pillars and kisses him. JL tastes like the wind, like the berries and seeds under their feet, his mouth open and pliant. Han presses closer, JL’s hair soft underneath his fingers where he has a hand curled around his nape.
They stay like that for some time, and Han’s reluctant to pull away but when he does—
It’s like, JL is so lovely, right? And while some part of Han wants to keep JL’s pretty smile to himself, he also knows that this is a stupid wish. It would be akin to trying to steal the blue out of the sky. JL’s smile is a natural resource, like sunlight and water, meant to be shared by everybody.
Right now JL is not smiling. Right now his eyes are dark and his mouth is red and he looks at Han like he wants more. And Han thinks, let this be mine. Let this version of JL be his and his alone.
---
Han really was planning to tell his parents the next weekend, but he’s always been too honest and he feels hyperaware of the secret like a shirt tag against his skin, so instead of sticking to the plan he ends up just saying it when he gets back home for dinner. Informs everybody, “By the way, I’m dating JL,” and then shovels a spoonful of rice into his mouth so that he doesn’t have to say anything more.
“Oh, boy,” Juwon says quietly.
“Wait, really?” their mom says.
Han nods.
“JL? Like, our JL?” their mom asks, eyes shining. “Two blocks away JL? Kimchi JL? That’s why you’ve looked so happy these past few weeks?”
“He is unusually obsessed with kimchi,” Han agrees, focusing on the part of the dialogue which isn’t so mortifying.
“But is it him?” their mom presses.
Han opens his mouth to respond but Juwon beats him to it. “No, it’s another JL that Han has been in love with since forever,” Juwon says, but since Juwon’s never known how to be sarcastic, not really, he immediately follows it up with, “Yes, that JL!”
Their mom gasps, hands over her mouth like she’s been praying for this outcome for years. Han is so embarrassed that he wants to die.
“Minji, calm down,” their dad says.
“Oh, right, sorry,” she says, composing herself. “That’s great, Hani. I’m really happy for you.”
Even though Han’s looking away he can hear Juwon giggling to himself. At least one of them is enjoying this.
Their dad clears his throat. “Because your mom seems to be out for the count right now, I need to remind you to make sure to keep your grades up. You’re in junior year, you can’t afford to be distracted.”
That’s fair. It’s uncomfortable, but at least this is territory that Han is familiar with. And it’s true— the stress of junior year is impossible to ignore, the pressure of getting good grades and scoring well on tests and thinking about potential colleges cutting starkly through the soft haze of a first love. He nods.
“Also,” their dad says, looking like he’s regretting every single life decision that he has ever made which has resulted in him being at this dinner table, right here, right now, up to and including the next string of words which comes out of his mouth, “JL’s not allowed to sleep in your room anymore when he comes over.”
“Oh my god,” Juwon squeaks, terrified.
The lights glint off of their father’s glasses. “Don’t traumatize your brother, understand?”
Han’s blushing so hard that he’s sure he’ll burst into flames at any moment. “Got it,” he says.
“Great. Otherwise, good job. I’m glad you guys finally got together.”
“Finally?” Han repeats.
“Yes, FINALLY,” Juwon says, voice heavy with the weight of somebody who has had to deal with bearing witness to intense romantic tension for multiple years, with zero financial compensation to show for it.
“Well, this is the best news I’ve heard in weeks,” their mom says. “Anybody want more rice?”
“For the record, I am already traumatized,” Juwon says, to nobody in particular. “And yes I would like more rice. Thank you.”
---
Even though Han and Juwon have been friends with JL since elementary school, JL actually doesn’t stay over that much. That wasn’t a decision made by any of the three of them— when they were younger, Han and Juwon would always beg their parents for JL to stay a little longer, or try to be quiet so that maybe their parents would forget JL was there, which unfortunately has never worked.
The point is, they grew up in a household where sleepovers were reserved for special occasions. Han always found it interesting how sleepover policy differed so much within his friend group— Jeongwoo’s parents were even more strict than his own, only allowing Jeongwoo to have sleepovers twice a year, while Woongki and Shuaibo basically lived in each other’s houses and called each other roommates.
Anyway, JL didn’t usually stay over. When he did, the three of them would try to get away with all sleeping in the living room, but then Han’s mom would say something like “JL, you don’t want to end up with scoliosis from sleeping badly,” and since Han actually did have scoliosis it was impossible to argue with that.
So JL would sleep on a futon in Juwon’s room. It was a little upsetting because Han knew that JL and Juwon would end up staying up a little longer and talking without him, but it was also relieving because Han wouldn’t know what to do with JL in his room instead. So that arrangement was better.
In January, a mishap with the plumbing system in JL’s house causes part of the first-floor ceiling to crumble and fall, and in the resulting renovation chaos JL ends up having to clear out of his house.
“Thank you so much for letting me stay the night,” JL tells Han’s parents.
“Of course,” Han’s dad says warmly. “We wouldn’t want you to not have a place to sleep.”
“You’re welcome anytime,” Han’s mom adds.
It’s different from the other times JL has stayed over, because there isn’t a special occasion (unless you count JL’s ceiling caving in as a special occasion) and because Han now has the words don’t traumatize your brother inscribed in his brain. And it’s fine, because it’s just a regular school night. Nothing is going to happen.
“Juwon, I’m sleeping in your room, right?” JL says.
“Yep,” Juwon says. “We bought a new futon recently, actually.”
“One of our cousins broke our old one,” Han clarifies. “Please do not ask us how he broke it. We don’t know each either.”
“Aw,” JL says. “But it was so comfortable!”
“Don’t worry, apparently this one is really comfortable as well,” Juwon says. “So you won’t end up with scoliosis.”
Han glares at Juwon. JL hides a smile behind his hand.
Usually Han reads for a little bit before going to sleep, but since JL’s here tonight they play Connect Four instead, where Juwon ruthlessly demolishes both of them. There’s a bit of a situation where Cookie decides to take a nap on JL’s lap as the night winds down, and JL declares that he can’t possibly move and will sleep on the couch tonight if he has to. While Han 100% understands this sentiment, he eventually saves JL by scooping Cookie up and setting her on the floor.
Cookie looks extremely miffed at Han’s decision. “Sorry,” Han tells her. She ignores him and stalks off.
JL laughs at him. Han pretends to hate it. After that they rotate shower usage between the three of them, and Han goes to sleep.
Or. Well. Tries to sleep. It’s one of those nights where his brain just refuses to shut down. It’s funny because Han is someone who is perpetually tired and if not for things like siblings and alarms and social norms could probably sleep the whole day away if he tried, but the falling asleep part has always been difficult for him.
He sits up, pulling the covers up to his chin, legs tucked safely under the thickest blanket he owns. Stares at the moonlight seeping through the cracks in the blinds, painting patterns on his bedroom walls. It’s freezing, the coldest month of the year. The heating in their home has never been all that great, but Han’s just used to it, January a time of chapped lips and cracked skin and poor circulation. Next week it’s supposed to be so cold that the local radio station is telling everybody to stay inside and stay warm.
It’s strange, but somehow that piercing cold makes Han feel alive.
The blinking red numbers on his alarm clock cross midnight. Han remembers elementary school, making wishes at 12:34 and 12:48. He wonders what he wished for back then; he can’t remember at all. And he’s too old to do that kind of thing now, but it still feels like a wish realized when the door to his room, already a sliver ajar, is gently pushed open so that JL can slip inside.
“Hani,” JL whispers, and Han should be surprised but somehow he was waiting for this. “Are you awake?”
“Yes,” Han answers. He can only really see JL’s silhouette, his face obscured by the darkness.
“I…” JL says. Swallows. “I, um, actually don’t know why I’m here, I’ll just go now—”
Han reaches out, wraps his fingers around JL’s wrist. Gives it a light tug, without any force at all, but JL follows as if Han had pulled with all his might. The bed dips under his weight, and Han scoots over to make room for JL under the covers. It isn’t cold at all anymore, heat emanating from JL’s body like a furnace.
He pulls JL closer to him, JL’s forehead to his shoulder. He can feel JL’s heartbeat, racing a mile a minute, a hummingbird trapped inside a cage. It calms him down, somehow. He shifts a bit until they’re face to face and then JL kisses him.
JL tastes a little like mint, the lingering trace of the toothpaste he had used earlier, and Han kisses it out of his mouth until all they can taste is each other. He hadn’t known the word desire until this moment, hadn’t known the definition until it unfurled within him, a flower blossoming in the night. He doesn’t know what he’ll do from now on, now that he knows what it’s like to have JL in his bed.
He ends up halfway on top of JL, his weight pressing his boyfriend into the mattress. JL is so unbelievably warm underneath him. It’s a hundred degrees, summer in January, yet Han is still taken completely off-guard when he shifts and JL makes a small noise like he’s in pain, something hard pressing against Han’s hip. Han thinks, for a moment, that JL’s shoved his phone into his pajamas and that’s what this is, until he realizes and his brain turns to static. He freezes.
“Sorry,” JL whispers.
JL always apologizes for everything and normally that’s just JL but Han will seriously kill him for apologizing for this.
He sits up until he can grab his phone from where it’s charging on his nightstand. The light is too harsh when he turns it on and he squints out of instinct. He taps on the notes app, his hands shaking as he opens a random note and hits enter several times to add empty lines to the end.
Do you think you can be quiet, he writes, and then hands the phone to JL.
JL’s response is fast. He’s always been better at texting than Han.
I don’t know, he writes, and then before Han can type a response grabs the phone back and adds, I want to be.
Okay, Han types. I can help.
He sets the phone back onto the nightstand, and then he places his left hand over JL’s mouth. His sight has adjusted to the darkness enough that he can see JL’s eyes, blown open wide.
He’s never done this before and prays that it’s okay. His right hand ghosts over the warm band of skin above JL’s waistband, and then he slips his hand under the layers of boxers and pajamas and wraps his hand around JL’s dick. He can feel JL’s lips part, the way he gasps soundlessly, the noise crushed underneath Han’s palm.
Han tries to make it good, tries to remember what he likes for himself and do it from a different angle. Drags his thumb over the tip, slick smearing across skin, and pumps his hand until he finds the rhythm that has JL shaking underneath him, every nerve of his body a live wire. Han wonders if he’s cruel, that JL’s the kindest person that he knows and now all Han wants is to watch him fall apart.
Even though Han can barely think around the roar of static in his mind, he tries to remember everything, so that he can make it better next time. The way that JL tenses when he’s close, the way his whole body goes taut, how he curls into himself when warmth pours over Han’s hand like he can’t tell pleasure apart from pain. As soon as JL recovers he moves as if to return the favor, but actually Han is not mentally prepared for JL to touch him like that so he just closes his eyes and gets himself off on the friction between their bodies, burying his face in the curve of JL’s shoulder. It doesn’t take him long. He’s never been this hard in his life.
They’re quiet as they clean up. This isn’t the first time that JL has borrowed Han’s clothing, although this is definitely the first time that JL’s borrowed his clothes in this specific context. After JL has left the room Han closes his eyes and falls asleep instantly, shirt sticking to his skin with sweat.
He wakes up to his school alarm, the early one for the days where he has morning choir. Han’s never been great at waking up in the mornings so it’s only when he’s in the bathroom, halfway through brushing his teeth, that he remembers what happened last night. Somehow, in the pale light of the morning, it feels more like a dream than anything.
Juwon’s running late this morning and JL doesn’t come into the kitchen when Han’s eating his toast, so Han only really thinks about it when they’re outside about to go to school, shivering in the cold. Juwon’s saying something about an NCT comeback and JL unintentionally makes eye contact with Han.
JL blushes and averts his gaze. Han looks away as well and smiles. So it did happen.
---
Han is naturally a fairly disciplined person, which is the only thing keeping him from losing his mind around JL these days.
When they’re at school JL always looks at him with his usual expression, which can best be described as a mix of fond and amused. While definitely not platonic (actually, Han is dumb as hell for thinking it was platonic for like, six years), it’s the sort of look which won’t get either of them in trouble, which is for the best.
Likewise, while Han is more touchy than he usually is, it’s still normal. He teases his friends all the time, and even though they’re dating, JL is his friend first and foremost. So what if he leans into JL a little more when he laughs or finds any excuse to press a hand to his arms, his shoulders, his back? Anywhere above the waist is fair game.
It’s fine.
He’s fine.
The thing is that Han used to have a clear opinion on sex, which was that he didn’t have an opinion at all unless there was an opportunity to make somebody laugh. Han was an awkward person, and sex was an awkward subject, so combining the two of them was absolute comedy gold.
He’s watched porn on accident more times than he’s watched it on purpose— it’s a natural hazard when trying to find bootleg recordings of musicals on the internet— and he’s always felt more embarrassed than turned on by it. He was more comfortable with the sex in movies, because it was part of the story that the director was trying to tell, but he would still look away.
The point is that sex was an abstract concept, one that he didn’t seek out in media. On the days that his body reminded him that he had a dick, he would jerk off and then move on with his life.
All in all, he isn’t used to wanting like this, and it’s terrifying enough that it’s almost a relief that he can’t get JL alone. He takes comfort in JL’s warm gaze, and when the night falls he closes his eyes and gets himself off, imagining that it’s JL’s hands on him instead.
So, February is an exercise in self-control.
On Valentine’s Day Han makes chocolate, except it really isn’t that romantic because Han just likes trying out recipes, and this time he suffers from success because Juwon, Woongki, Shuaibo, and Jeongwoo end up eating more of it than JL even though that was not the plan. Meanwhile, JL has always used Valentine’s Day as an excuse to give everybody chocolate, so yeah, Han gets chocolate from JL but so do most people within a five kilometer radius.
It’s late at night when he receives an email of all things from JL. Han has received messages from JL on every instant messaging platform imaginable but he’s sure that JL hasn’t emailed him in years. He opens it curiously.
Hani!!
I wanted to write you a letter but maybe an email is a little less embarrassing. You can delete this if you want.
I know I talk a lot but actually sometimes when I look at you I forget everything that I wanted to say and I end up just talking about whatever. I’ve always thought I was really lucky to be your friend, and sometimes I don’t really know what to do around you, but I also think that you make it easy.
I’m glad we met all those years ago! And I’m glad that you told me that you liked me, even if it was in the most insane way possible. Although I can’t say anything because I could never be that brave in the first place. I didn’t know if I could do it at first, being your boyfriend. I’m still not sure I’m all that good at it. But let’s keep practicing ^_^
Also, I probably shouldn’t say this, but I hope that the plumbing system in my house breaks down again.
Yours, JL
After Han stops laughing, he downloads the email and prints it out, so that he can hold on to it forever.
---
The thing about this year’s winter is that it really is fucking cold, holding on strong at the end of February.
It’s 9 PM on a weekday and Han is stepping into his shoes to go to the A-Mart. There was some kind of miscalculation with groceries at his house last weekend and the fridge is now devoid of both eggs and milk. Getting his driver’s license means that Han is now the person who runs these kinds of errands. At least he’s done with his homework.
At this point in February the cold has settled into his bones. Going outside at night is akin to going to war, the layers of scarf and winter jacket as bulky and inconvenient as armor, and actually Han can’t even be bothered so he forgoes gloves and wears sneakers instead of boots. He shivers on the way to the store, the steering wheel like ice underneath his hands, the heating in the car puffing and wheezing in its best effort to push the temperature up another degree.
At least the A-Mart is warm. He debates taking off his jacket but figures it isn’t worth the effort. Eggs. Milk. Ooh, the strawberry yogurt is on sale. Juwon really likes this brand.
“Hani?”
Han whirls around. “JL!”
“I didn’t recognize you for a second,” JL says. He’s also wearing a thick winter jacket and his hands are full of produce, threatening to spill onto the floor.
“Do you want to borrow my shopping cart,” Han says dryly.
“Thank you so much,” JL says in relief, dropping his stuff into the shopping cart and rolling out his shoulders. “I thought I wouldn’t need one, but I was a fool.”
“What are you doing here, anyway?” Han says, and immediately feels like an idiot for asking. Their houses are so close that of course their families would shop at the same places. But he doesn’t think he’s run into JL here before.
“Some of my family is visiting from the Philippines,” JL explains. “I was sent here to buy fruit.”
“Cool,” Han says. “We just ran out of milk.”
JL nods. “A tragedy.”
Han ends up buying the strawberry yogurt, and then he goes to pay for his stuff. They walk out into the parking lot, Han bracing himself against the cold night air. The sky seems to surround them, pitch black, studded with the icy pinpricks of stars. “Where did you park?” he asks JL.
“Over there,” JL says, pointing at the far end of the parking lot.
“Oh,” Han says. Realizes that they’ve parked with one space between them. “I didn’t realize that car was yours.”
They unload the groceries into their respective trunks, and then Han goes to return the shopping cart. When he gets back, JL wraps a hand around his wrist and pulls Han into the backseat of his car. When Han realizes what’s happening he starts to laugh.
“I think I’ve seen this in a movie before,” he says.
“You’re so annoying,” JL says. Pauses. “I just tried to punch you but I don’t think it went through.”
Han considers this. “Was it on my left shoulder? I felt like a very light tap.”
“Your jacket is too thick,” JL complains.
“Okay, wait, we should probably use my car since it’s an SUV. I mean it isn’t technically mine but you get what I mean,” Han says. “It might be. Um. More comfortable?”
“Oh?” JL says. “What do you think we’re going to do?”
“Our taxes?” Han says stupidly.
JL once again attempts to punch him; it once again does not go through. They relocate, and Han turns on the engine so that they don’t freeze to death. He thinks that logistically this is kind of a nightmare. “Your jacket is really thick as well,” Han says. Right now all he can feel of JL are multiple layers of fabric and zippers and buttons.
“Right? I’m like fifty percent jacket right now,” JL agrees.
After a few minutes it’s somewhat warm enough in the car to take off at least the outermost layer of clothing. Once JL is down to his sweater and jeans he climbs into Han’s lap and kisses him.
“Hani,” JL whispers, pulling back, his hands still cradling Han’s face. It’s too dark right now for Han to see JL’s expression, which is disappointing but also a relief. “I keep thinking about how I can make it good for you too.”
It’s already so good for me, Han thinks, but he doesn’t end up saying it. Ends up making a choked-off noise instead when JL wedges a knee between his thighs and presses forward.
“Um,” JL says, a slight tremor to his voice, “are you okay with me giving you head?”
Jesus fuck, JL. “You don’t have to,” Han says, pained.
“I don’t think that you get it,” JL says. “I want to.”
“Then… okay.”
JL slides off his lap. Han covers his face, looks through his fingers. He can feel JL’s fingers on the zippers of his jeans, and lifts his hips so that JL can slide them down to his knees. He’s half hard already, a damp patch forming at the front of his boxers.
Han’s pretty sure he isn’t breathing when JL pulls those down as well. There’s a feather-light kiss pressed to the inside of his thigh, and then JL takes him into his mouth, this sudden, incredible warmth. Han bites down on his hand to keep from gasping.
He can’t tell if JL’s nervous. He can’t really think of anything at all, helpless to the pressure of JL’s tongue and the seal of his lips as JL sucks him off. His rhythm is sloppy and uneven but somehow that makes it better. The tightness in Han’s stomach builds embarrassingly fast, the sensation electric and unbearable.
“I’m close,” Han warns, trying not to sound like he’s dying.
For a second Han thinks that JL is going to ignore him and keep going. Fortunately, he does pull off, but only at the last second, and ends up with Han’s come on his face.
“I’m sorry,” Han gasps, as soon as he’s recovered enough to speak.
“It’s okay, I wanted to swallow anyway,” JL says, his voice wrecked. Because JL is actually, clinically insane.
“Come here,” Han demands, pulling JL back into his lap. The position is awkward, the backseat really not a good place to be doing this kind of thing, and when Han kisses JL he can taste himself which is kind of gross but still alright. He sticks a hand down JL’s pants and wishes that it weren’t so dark, so that he can see what face JL makes when Han has him like this.
“Hani,” JL says, after they have used the tissues in the glove compartment to conceal the evidence of their crimes and are outside in the parking space between their cars.
“Yeah?”
“I want you to fuck me.”
Han short-circuits. “Now?”
“No, not now,” JL says. “Just. At some point.”
JL is sweet when he’s embarrassed, but Han is realizing that he really likes the JL who asks for what he wants. JL isn’t looking at him, and Han wonders if maybe it’s easier for JL to say these kinds of things in the dark.
“Okay,” Han says. “We’ll make it happen.”
JL kisses Han on the cheek, bids him goodnight, and then gets into his own car. Han watches through the window as JL drives out of the parking lot, headlights shining in the dark. Then he goes back into the A-Mart and buys ingredients to make the cheesecake bars that his whole family likes. First of all, because it’s a plausible excuse for why he was out for so long. Second of all, because he does feel kind of guilty about what just transpired, even though he can’t be completely sorry. He just likes JL too much.
---
Winter officially gives up in March, spring slamming its hand down on the table in a decisive victory. Han trades out his winter jacket for a regular jacket, and even though it’s still cold outside it feels different, the air as bright and crisp as the skin of an apple.
It’s always some practice exam or other in class now. Han knows he can’t afford to be distracted, and he makes sure that his relationship doesn’t affect his grades; his parents would be disappointed, and Han would never forgive himself.
Still. He doesn’t forget what JL said, I want you to fuck me engraved in his brain. Every time he thinks about it his body splits in two, a tug-of-war between panic and desire. JL doesn’t like asking anything of anybody, but he asked Han for this and it’s just— what if Han can’t make it good?
He draws free body diagrams for physics and when he gets tired of that imagines his body with JL’s body. Thinks about that E. E. Cummings poem that he didn’t understand when he first read it, but now he wants to know what it means.
i like my body when it is with your / body. It is so quite new a thing.
It’s okay. They’ll figure it out.
Since it isn’t as cold anymore, he goes back to meeting up with JL at the park. It’s the same as last fall, seeing JL under the guise of a walk, but it’s different in that they don’t kiss as much. Han no longer trusts himself to recognize the moment when they aren’t alone anymore, to keep it appropriate for somewhere which is, in the end, a public space.
He kisses JL and remembers restraint, like an open door in his consciousness. How easily he could let himself fall to the other side, and lose himself completely.
---
At the end of March, his dad informs them at dinner that he’ll be going on a business trip to Belgium for two weeks. It’s rare that his work has him travel, and Han and Juwon both immediately start talking about the chocolate, before the discussion slides into what Belgian foods are a must-try in general.
“Do you think that you could sneak a waffle past airport security?” Juwon asks.
“A single waffle? Why not,” their dad says. “But I don’t think it would taste very good by the time that I got it to you guys.”
“What about fries?” Juwon says.
Han stares at Juwon in disbelief. “Are you trying to make us both miserable?”
“I was just asking!” Juwon protests.
“I’ll bring you guys chocolate, I promise,” their dad says, and Han makes a note to look for recipes which use chocolate. It isn’t everyday that he has access to international ingredients.
“Now I want waffles,” Juwon says sadly.
“Goddammit Juwon,” Han says. Now he wants waffles too.
It’s only several articles about Belgian waffles later that Han realizes. Usually at least one of his parents are at home, but if his dad is in Belgium for two weeks, then the house will be significantly emptier than it is usually. While Han can’t say for sure what the situation will be, there’s a good chance that he could find a window of time where nobody else would be home.
The knowledge feels like an electric current, humming under his skin.
It’s mid-April when his dad leaves for the airport. It’s weird how quiet the house feels with just one person gone, the air silent and subdued. Dinner is more informal with just the three of them, Han’s mom returning from work with bags of takeout, the stovetop cold to the touch.
“Hani,” his mom says. “I’m taking Juwon to the mall this Saturday to buy him clothes for the end-of-the-year award ceremony the swim team is holding. Is there anything you need to buy as well?”
“Um,” Han says. “I don’t think so.”
“You don’t have prom this year, right?”
Han shakes his head. “It’s just for seniors.”
“Okay. If you’re going to go out during that time, remember to lock the door, then.”
“Alright,” Han says. “I might go to the library.”
He is so not going to the library.
Han: Are you free Saturday?
JL: i am ^_^ what’s up!
Han: It’s just going to be me at home for a few hours.
Han: Do you want to come over?
JL types for a long time.
JL: yes. just tell me when.
---
On Saturday, Han takes a shower and cleans his room. He listens to the garage door close as his mom leaves with Juwon.
Texts JL, they’re gone.
Han gently carries Cookie into the little office space in the basement and shuts her in. “It’s just for a little while,” he tells her. “I don’t want to traumatize you, either.”
Several minutes later, there’s a knock on the front door. Han takes a deep breath and opens it.
“Hi,” JL says.
He looks nice, wearing a soft pink sweater and blue jeans. JL comes in, closing the door behind him; it shuts with an audible click. Han has never felt so self-conscious in his life. He feels like he’s about to explode.
“Do you want water?” he asks.
JL looks at him fondly. “Sure.”
JL’s been over at his house enough times that he has a glass in the kitchen basically reserved for him, but even after all these years there are times where Han or Juwon will randomly remember his manners and offer water to JL like he’s any guest. Apparently now is one of those times.
Han pours him water from the pitcher in the fridge and hands him the glass.
“Thanks,” JL says quietly, accepting it.
Han needs to say something. He needs to make this not awkward. Why has he forgotten every single acceptable conversation topic known to mankind? But JL isn’t saying anything either, JL who rambles when he’s nervous. Han wonders what’s going on in JL’s head right now, as he silently lifts the glass to his lips and drinks from it.
“Should we go to my room?” Han asks.
JL nods. “Okay.”
They go up to Han’s room, and Han closes the door. Sunlight streams through the windows, shafts of brilliant white, so bright you can see the dust motes lazily drifting through the air. JL’s eyes are clear and he still isn’t saying anything, and at this point Han is so nervous that he wouldn’t be surprised if JL were actually mad at him because maybe Han is already doing everything wrong.
“We don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do,” Han tells him.
JL’s gaze slides away from his. “You know what I want to do.”
Han can’t remember how to speak or move, caught up in JL like the tide, lets JL drag him underwater. JL kisses him, and Han steps back as JL crowds him against the bed, the back of his knees hitting the frame. Han sits down and JL climbs into his lap and Han has never felt so much desire in his life.
JL pulls away, leans back. “I brought concealer. You can do whatever you want.”
Han can’t form a single coherent sentence in response so he puts his mouth on JL’s neck, runs his teeth over his skin, feels JL’s full-body shiver and wants to die. He has never met this version of himself before, the one that marks his boyfriend up and thinks now he belongs to me, and it terrifies him but at least JL seems to like it.
His hands slip under the hem of JL’s sweater; he isn’t wearing anything underneath, and Han gently tugs the fabric upward. JL breaks the kiss so that he can take it off, his expression shy. Han falls backward onto the bed, pulling JL down with him, and JL gasps when Han flips them over so that JL is under him, their legs tangled together. Han moves downward, pinning JL with his weight, puts his hands and mouth everywhere that he can reach.
JL’s skin is smooth and tan everywhere that Han touches, his chest, his waist, his arms, and Han almost wonders if after this he’ll come up with his palms and lips stained gold. Glowing with the sunlight that JL always carries with him. You’re perfect, Han thinks deliriously.
JL moans when Han kisses his chest. “Han— Hani,” he whispers. Grabs Han’s shoulder and pushes him off.
Han stares at JL’s face, the way his eyes are glassy, his lips bitten raw and red. “You too,” JL tells him. “It’s not fair if it’s just me.”
“Okay,” Han says, blushing. Unzips the gray hoodie that he’s wearing, so that he’s just in the black t-shirt underneath. JL looks at him expectantly, and Han holds his breath and pulls the t-shirt over his head like he’s jumping into a cold pool.
The air is cool against his exposed skin, and Han thinks about looking in the mirror and only ever feeling indifference at his pale skin and wiry build, remembers how much he disliked locker rooms until he just got used to changing as quickly as possible. He opens his eyes and finds JL staring at him in wonder.
“You’re gorgeous,” JL says, reaching out to touch Han’s chest. “How did I end up dating you?”
Han looks away. Whenever he’s with JL he can feel the words pile up at the back of his throat, and he wishes he were better at forcing them out, so that JL has something more substantial to work with. Instead he just tugs JL up so that they’re fully on the bed, their heads on the pillow that Han sleeps on every night, and when he kisses JL again he presses JL into the mattress and drowns in the sensation of skin against skin, trying to get JL as close as possible.
Eventually he remembers what JL asked of him and pulls away. JL’s eyes flutter open, dismayed that they’ve stopped, but Han tugs him up into a sitting position so that they can talk.
Han is trying so hard not to stare right now. “It might not be that good for you,” he says, forcing himself to look JL in the eyes. “Since it’s the first time.”
“That’s okay,” JL says easily. “It’ll be good, because it’s you.”
“No, I’m saying that it might hurt, as in you might actually physically be in pain,” Han says. “I mean, we can stop if it’s like that, just…”
“Okay, then we can do better next time,” JL says. “But we need to have a first time, right?”
“Right,” Han says softly, JL’s fingers tracing his blush all the way down. “Alright then.”
Han gets up, opening the bottom cabinet of his nightstand and retrieving the lube and condoms which he had bought a month ago at the pharmacy, thankful to be born in the age of self-checkout.
He can feel JL watching him. When Han comes back, he kneels on the bed, tells JL, “you can tell me to stop anytime.”
JL smiles. “I won’t.”
Han reaches out and undoes the fastening on JL’s jeans. Pulls those down along with his boxers, so that JL is completely naked, flushed and hard and spread out on his bed. JL bites down on his fist when Han leans down to suck a mark on the inside of his thigh, a red-purple flower in the shape of his mouth.
“Hani,” JL begs. “Please.”
Han has lost his power of speech for the day, so he just reaches out to uncap the lube and pour some over his fingers. The seal on the bottle is broken, already a little used up from when Han had tried fingering himself. It had been a mildly pleasurable and extremely confusing experience for him, but he was glad that he could at least practice that part a few times before trying it on JL.
It’s an easier angle, actually, when he goes to stretch his boyfriend out. JL’s trying to keep his expression steady but he can’t quite hide the discomfort at the foreign sensation; Han rubs his thigh gently in apology, focused on working JL open. He crooks his hand around experimentally until JL gasps, squeezing his eyes shut. Han pauses, repeats the motion, smiles when he realizes that he found it.
Eventually JL loosens up enough for Han to add another finger. JL’s fidgeting around him, but there’s a distinct sense of pleasure now mixed with the discomfort, like while his body still can’t decide whether it wants less or more, it’s leaning toward the latter. Han’s getting used to the feeling as well, the heat and slick around his hand, JL’s cock leaking precum onto his forearm. Every time he brushes against JL’s prostrate, JL makes a choked-off noise, like he’s trying to swallow down the sound but isn’t quite succeeding.
Han thinks, it’s okay, I want to hear it, but he doesn’t know how many times they’d have to do this before he could say something like that out loud. Instead he just works in a third finger, and at this point JL is definitely getting something out of it, clenching down around Han’s hand like he wants him deeper, mouth slack when Han leans over to kiss him.
“I think I’m good,” JL says, voice breaking at the end when Han twists his hand.
“Yeah?” Han says.
“Yeah,” JL says. He already looks ruined, slick running down the sides of his thighs, glistening obscenely in the light. Han is sure he doesn’t look much better, flushed and sweaty, dick straining against his track pants.
“Do you know, um, how you want to…” Han can’t finish the sentence.
“I heard that it might be easier for me if I’m on top, the first time,” JL says. “If you’re okay with that.”
Han nods. Lies down. Lets JL strip him naked as well. He’s usually so logical but right now it’s all just feeling, like a river of colors, desire amplified by embarrassment, anxiety braided with want. He covers his face with his arm and feels JL straddle his hips.
“I like the view from up here,” JL tells him.
Han squeezes his eyes closed. “Shut up.”
JL’s hands come up to cradle his face. “But you see, Hani, I like you so much,” he says warmly. “So I’ll keep telling you that.”
Han cracks his eyes open when JL slides down. Ever since JL had asked Han in the parking lot, Hani, I want you to fuck me, he’s tried to predict how this part would go. Of every possible thing that could go wrong, he was most worried that JL would get hurt. That somehow Han might hurt him.
JL’s face is twisted in concentration as he tries to fit Han around him. It’s apparent that there’s some pain involved, the way he hesitates as he tries to sink further down. At the same time, Han is trying not to die, JL’s body warm and tight around him. The least he can do for JL is to give him some time to adjust.
JL hangs his head, sweat dripping down his neck. Fucks himself shallowly on Han’s dick, these tentative movements, trying his best to just take it. Han touches his hands, his thighs, wanting to comfort him. It’s working in that JL gets a little further down each time, until Han is almost fully inside him.
“JL,” Han warns, his voice almost unrecognizable to himself, the way it breaks like a sob.
“Yeah?” JL asks.
“I’m not going to last that long,” Han admits.
“Oh, thank god,” JL says.
“Huh?”
“I was scared it wouldn’t be good for you.”
Han distantly thinks that JL should be less worried about him and more worried about himself, but that’s just the way that JL is. He can feel his body going taut, white crawling into the edges of his vision; he fades out of existence when he comes, an electrical overload.
He comes back to JL wincing as he pulls off. Han ties off the condom and throws it out, and then he’s immediately on JL, desperate to make sure that JL comes too. JL is way more sensitive than usual, trembles when Han touches him, his whole body shivering when Han wraps a hand around his dick. He tries to speak but it comes out as a moan instead, and Han thinks, good, you were going to kill me with the way that you were talking before. Maybe now JL will know what it’s like to be Han, to feel so much and not be able to say any of it at all.
JL comes with a cry, spilling onto Han’s hand. Han lets him catch his breath for a minute, and then he gets up.
JL catches his hand. “Where are you going?”
“We have to clean up,” Han explains, and JL pouts but lets him go. Han returns from the bathroom with a damp washcloth, and carefully wipes down JL’s thighs. They really didn’t make as much of a mess as they might have, which is a relief.
It’s strange. Han’s had this body for seventeen years but right now it feels brand new, like for the first time he’s discovering it, his skin wrapped around muscle and bone. He goes to get dressed, sliding his shirt over his head. JL puts his pants on, and then he grabs Han’s hoodie.
“This is mine now,” JL says.
Han laughs. “Okay.”
“I’m glad you understand,” JL says, and Han watches as his abdomen disappears under the gray fabric. It’s disappointing that JL is wearing clothes again, but at least they’re his clothes.
Han looks at the clock on the nightstand. They have some time left, but JL probably shouldn’t be in the house when Juwon and his mom get back. That might result in some questions which Han really does not want to answer.
“Do you have a mirror in here?” JL asks, and Han nods. He gets him the little circular mirror on one of his cabinets; Han doesn’t remember why he has it, has never really used it. JL grabs it and examines himself, and Han realizes he’s looking at the damage that Han inflicted on his neck.
“Jeez, Hani,” JL says. “Are you a vampire?”
Han blushes; fine, he went overboard, sue him. Retorts, “Wouldn’t you like that?”
“I plead the fifth,” JL says. He sets the mirror down on Han’s nightstand and pulls a slender tube from the pocket of his jeans, and Han realizes that this is the concealer that he was referring to. JL smooths the makeup over his skin, obscuring Han’s impromptu necklace.
“Where did you buy that?” Han asks. He doesn’t know anything about makeup but he can already see how something like that would be useful.
“Shuaibo gave it to me for Christmas,” JL says. “Along with um, certain advice.”
Han considers this. “Maybe I should Venmo him.”
“It would be funny if you did, but he’d definitely know something was up.”
“Yeah, that would be bad,” Han concedes. “Do you have plans after this?”
“Not really.”
“Want to pretend to go to the library with me?”
“As opposed to actually going to the library?” JL says. “Wow, I’m such a terrible influence on you.”
Han raises an eyebrow at him. “We can actually go to the library if you want. I can help you study for physics.”
“Absolutely not.”
After Han has hidden JL’s sweater in his closet and let Cookie out of the basement, they wind up at the convenience store, sitting on the curb and drinking flavored ice, the colors staining their mouths. It’s an unbelievably clear day, the breeze ruffling Han’s hair, sunlight on his exposed neck and wrists.
“Your birthday is soon,” Han remarks. JL will be seventeen, like him. Han has been trying to figure out how to make kwek-kwek for him as a present, and while he doubts it’s anything like the real street food version he still thinks his attempts so far have tasted pretty good.
“Yeah, it’s in a week,” JL says. He looks at Han and his lips curve into a smirk. “Was today your gift for me?”
“NO,” Han sputters, and when JL laughs it’s like music.
---
On the day of their first anniversary, JL asks Han to meet him at the park.
It’s cold today, the sun hidden behind the clouds. In senior year the pressure is on, everybody obsessing over college applications like it’s the end of the world. Han tries his best not to let it get to him.
“Hey,” JL says. He’s shivering a little bit, and Han grabs JL’s hand and puts it in his pocket.
It’s too cold today to sit still, so they walk along the trail that leads in and out of the park. “Hey,” JL says. “Remember when you confessed to me via meme?”
“How could I forget,” Han says dryly. Of course he remembers, telling JL that he liked him and then immediately asking him to be his boyfriend. Not even really knowing what he was asking for, only knowing that this was his chance and he should take it, when JL was looking at him like that, so ready to give.
“Honestly, I don’t mind that it happened like that,” JL says. “I just think that you should have told me sooner.”
“How soon?”
“As soon as you figured out that you liked me,” JL says. “I think that you should have told me then.”
“In fifth grade?”
JL freezes. “You liked me in fifth grade?” he demands.
“You didn’t know?” Han says. He tries to remember if he ever told JL about this. He feels like he did, but apparently not.
“You never told me that.”
“I mean…” Han says, embarrassed. “Keep in mind that I was ten. So yeah I liked you, but I was mostly concerned with what I was going to have for dinner and when the next Percy Jackson book was going to come out.”
“Hani, I’m pretty sure I’m still not as sexy as the average Belgian waffle to you, so I don’t care about that,” JL says, delighted. (Actually, JL is sexier to him than the average Belgian waffle, but if it were a Belgian waffle with strawberries and whipped cream and dusted with powdered sugar, then JL would have some competition). “I remember asking you in elementary school if you had a crush on anybody, and you said no.”
“It’s called self-preservation,” Han says, averting his eyes. Actually, it checks out that he never told JL this information. It shouldn’t be a surprise; they rarely talk about things like this.
“So what was it like to like me back then?” JL says, and somehow Han just knows that his eyes are sparkling. “I really thought that you had zero interest in romance.”
Han grits his teeth. “I…”
JL waits.
“I thought that you had a nice smile,” Han mumbles.
JL doesn’t say anything. When Han peeks over JL is blushing. Good. JL deserves to suffer for asking.
“I’m not sure when I started liking you,” JL says. “I think I liked you for a long time, maybe not since fifth grade but still a really long time. But I always tried to tell myself that I didn’t because I didn’t know if you liked me back.”
“You’re so oblivious,” Han says. “Everybody knew.”
“Whatever,” JL scoffs. “I really liked being friends with you, you know. I didn’t want to ruin it.”
“Do you feel like we ruined it?”
“I think we’re actually better friends now,” JL says.
Han considers this. “That’s true.” The awkwardness he used to feel around JL has slowly been replaced with a sense of ease.
“It was so difficult for me,” JL says. “Like I was trying really hard not to think about it, right? But it was freshman year and you texted me this ZB1 meme, saying you’d seen it online and that you thought I might like it. And to me it was like, this old meme, which I’d seen floating around for like months at that point, and I just thought, oh my god, this is the most romantic thing anybody has ever done for me. I literally collapsed on the floor.”
Han smiles. “So… you’re saying that you fell for me via meme?”
JL stops walking. “No,” he gasps.
“Just admit it,” Han says.
“No, I didn’t,” JL says, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself. “Just forget everything I just said. You heard nothing.”
“I’m pretty sure that I just heard you say that you fell for me via meme.”
JL shoves him, hard enough that Han stumbles. “Why are we like this,” JL says, mostly to himself.
Han laughs, and pulls JL in for a kiss, slow and sweet.
“Hani,” JL sighs, when Han pulls away. “I’m so in love with you.”
“I…” Han says. He stops.
“It’s okay,” JL says warmly. “You don’t have to say it. I know.”
They talk about other things after that, like what songs they’re listening to and how Woongki’s college essay is the funniest thing since Who’s On First and how Steven is basically dating Jeongwoo these days but won’t admit it. And then at night, Han sends JL an email.
JL,
I’m not really good with words. You know this. It’s strange because I think that I’m an honest person, but when I look at you I can never tell you how I feel about you. I like that you understand me anyway, but I know that it’s something I should work on.
I’ve always thought that you were too good for me, but I still don’t want to let you go. Can I keep you forever? Can you be mine for the rest of our lives?
I don’t think I knew myself until I met you. I didn’t know I could feel all this until you taught me. I didn’t know that I could be the person that I am today, the one that loves you, but I like this version of me. Everything about me which used to feel so ordinary became special because of you.
I love you.
Han
---
They get accepted to the same college. In March Han gets a letter that he received a scholarship which would take care of most of his tuition, which makes him cry in relief. There were so many nights he stayed up studying hoping that it would pay off somehow.
The world keeps turning; the finish line of university becomes a start line instead. Han and JL are rarely teased about their relationship anymore, and Han is glad. He likes that they are old news, that he can love JL in peace.
The gossip these days is about Juwon and Chihen. Han knew that those two had become better friends last summer, that they actually hung out on purpose these days instead of letting the universe push them together in the form of swim practices and group projects, but he is still shocked when Juwon appears in his doorway in the spring to say, “Chihen asked me out. I think I’ll say yes.”
“He did what now,” Han says in disbelief.
Juwon shrugs. “He asked me out a while ago, actually. But I didn’t think that he actually liked me or anything.”
“Do you like him?” Han asks, regaining his bearings. He flips through his memories, trying to figure out when this happened.
Juwon smiles, hopeful and heart-shaped. “Probably.”
Han is trying to figure out how he feels about all this. All he knows is that he’ll kill Chihen if he messes up.
The only people he knows who saw this coming are Woongki, who had personally manifested it, and JL, because he’s Juwon’s best friend. Han can’t help but feel concerned more than anything, because he doesn’t want to see Juwon get hurt, but he admits it’s interesting to see this version of Juwon, Juwon who isn’t 100% sure that he likes Chihen, who goes out with Chihen not knowing if they’ll last more than a couple of weeks.
Juwon tells him, “We aren’t like you and JL. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
By the time Han starts university, those two still haven’t broken up, and Han is starting to get it. Plus, he was told to not traumatize Juwon but maybe someone should have told Juwon not to traumatize him, because Chihen absolutely does not care at all who sees them doing what. One time Han walks in on those two making out and Chihen just salutes him.
“You know you can’t say anything, right?” JL tells him.
Han closes his eyes. This is karma at its finest. “Yeah. I know.”
Their university requires them to live in the dorms for at least one year. Han rooms with Jeongwoo, who had done his first year at community college to save money, while JL chooses to let the system pair him with somebody random. They had agreed not to live together for the time being, which was a decision made by Han because JL was distracting and he needed to pass his classes. To which JL had replied, “I understand, and I know it’s a good idea, but also, I hate it.”
It is regrettable because Han wants JL literally always, but it’s for the best. Besides, university still comes with more freedom than high school. Jeongwoo is often out of the room, and before the semester starts he hands Han a satin ribbon from his collection of origami supplies and cheerfully tells him, “Let’s tie this around the doorknob to let each other know when it isn’t safe to come in.”
Han nods. “Got it.”
It’s fun to want JL these days. Han makes sure to keep his Snapchat notifications turned off; sometimes JL will send him pictures or videos that make his head spin. He didn’t know how to react at first, but somehow the knowledge that the messages will disappear in the morning makes it easier for him to write back things he would never say out loud, you’re gorgeous, I wish I were there with you, I want you so bad that I could die.
But freshman year is difficult, actually, and it really is for the best that Han and JL don’t room with each other. Han wasn’t prepared for it, how the world expands in university, so much bigger than it used to be.
He’s always known that JL is different from him; it’s something Han loves about him, that JL is everything he is not, but it doesn’t make things easy. He finds that there are many things he can’t do for JL because of it, that as much as Han loves JL, he can only be himself.
He never gave much thought to his own introvertedness in high school, but he realizes it now, when he absolutely hates going out or attending parties, even for JL’s sake. He prefers to stay at home, or go to the library, but JL is someone who genuinely loves other people and goes out as much as he can. In university people aren’t shy, and JL often gets asked for his number or asked out in general, and while JL always informs them, sorry, I have a boyfriend, sometimes Han feels so jealous that his teeth hurt.
It’s also true that Han can be too blunt, too practical. He had as many childhood dreams as anybody, but he always knew that he would have to get a job that paid the bills, was prepared for it. He had applied for electrical engineering as his major right off the bat, knowing if he worked hard at it he could make enough money that he wouldn’t worry his family. But somehow that pressure to choose is much more difficult for JL. He had gone to university undecided, and the strain of choosing a major and deciding a single path to commit to, the act of conceding his dreams to the reality of ordinary life, is terrifying to him.
Han doesn’t know how to comfort JL. He’s too honest; he can’t just tell JL something that he wants to hear, unless it’s the truth. Instead he just tries to give advice on how JL might fix the problem. And at first JL just avoids the subject, but then it turns to avoiding Han in general. Han can’t figure out what JL is thinking at all, can’t figure out how something which seems so simple to him could give JL such a hard time.
But Han’s the one who really fucks up, so desperate to give JL a solution. It’s a cold, rainy day at the end of February. They’re in JL’s dorm room, his roommate out for the time being, and JL can’t meet his gaze.
“Maybe I’m only meant to be your first,” Han says.
JL looks like Han slapped him. And then, with his eyes dead and his voice emptier than Han has ever heard it, he tells Han, “Don’t you ever say that again.”
“Okay,” Han says quietly. “I’m sorry.”
JL starts crying. Han pulls him into a hug.
Honestly, it’s the worst kind of practice, figuring out how to fight. But it’s a relief when they get better at it, when Han learns to be kinder and JL learns that it’s okay to tell Han what he’s doing wrong. JL doesn’t like to criticize anybody, so Han always feels proud when JL criticizes him. JL thinks that he’s crazy for that, but JL telling him is so much easier than Han trying to read his mind.
He isn’t really a sensitive person at all in that sense.
---
Han thought that he was free of memes now that he’s been dating JL for over two years, but unfortunately he is stupid to think this. In April Woongki invites everybody to one of the campus bars that he’s now eligible to enter (Shuaibo flies all the way over from the West Coast to attend), and the DJ is playing these 2010s throwback songs that has everybody singing along despite themselves.
A familiar beat starts up, something that Han hasn’t heard in years but instinctively remembers from watching Victorious with Juwon back in elementary school, and Shuaibo shouts, “Oh my god, is this Best Friend’s Brother?”
Woongki looks like— well, like it’s his birthday. Han had forgotten about this song, they had all collectively forgotten about this song or else he would have gotten teased to hell and back for it in high school, but he genuinely must have the worst luck in the world. JL looks like he’s about to pass out from embarrassment for the first minute until he just gives up and sings along, my best friend’s brother is the one for me.
A day later, Han wakes up to find that Woongki has changed his contact name in every group chat to punk rock drummer (6’ 3”). So that just goes to show that Han can never let his guard down, ever.
Sophomore year is in some ways easier than freshman year. Han and Jeongwoo are renting a two-bedroom apartment a little bit off campus, and it’s a relief to have both his own room and access to a kitchen, even though he has very limited time to cook. He’s often in the engineering building late at night, trying to get his circuits to work.
(There’s a running joke at their school that the electrical engineering students are too busy to shower, but Han refuses to fall into that stereotype.)
JL is busy as well. He’s often on the opposite side of campus from Han. Since he had such a hard time choosing what to study, in the end he just chose to do as much as possible, double majoring in Psychology and English and minoring in Social Work. He’s also in god knows how many clubs. Han knows that JL is still figuring it out, but at heart, JL is someone who is so kind and likes to give everything that he’s got. How can somebody like that not eventually succeed?
It’s the middle of October now, a cruel bite to the wind. The sun sets early these days, the sky dark when Han leaves the library at six, munching on the rice balls that he got from the convenience store on the way back.
It’s Saturday. JL’s finishing up with his shift at a fundraiser, and Jeongwoo is visiting home. Han unlocks the door to the apartment and flips on the light switch. He likes having Jeongwoo as a roommate; Jeongwoo always respects that he’s an introvert and doesn’t bother Han when he’s in his room, and Han enjoys his company when they do talk in the living room or kitchen. But he likes having the apartment to himself on occasion, too, the whole space his own. He likes the stillness, having the option to fill it with music if he wants or to just enjoy the silence. Han has always found joy in solitude, even though he has the people he loves.
He rolls himself into a little ball on the couch, reading the book that Jeongwoo had gotten him for his birthday. The writing in it is so engaging that he’s almost sad when there’s a knock on the door. He bookmarks the page and goes to answer it.
“Hi,” JL says.
He’s wearing one of Han’s hoodies, forest green with white strings. At this point JL owns more of Han’s hoodies than Han himself does, but JL just tells him that he’ll get them back once they move in together. It isn’t like Han minds, anyway.
“Hey,” Han says.
JL steps out of his shoes, sets his backpack on the floor, the bag full in a way that means that JL is planning to stay over for the night.
“I’ve been thinking about you all week,” JL says, smiling.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you want to know what I’ve been thinking about?” JL asks, and Han pulls him in and kisses him.
He knows that when JL speaks like this it’s more for Han’s benefit than his own, that it’s his way of trying to get them both what they want.
JL pulls Han closer, kisses him deep and open-mouthed, telling him what he came here for. Somehow it always feels like the first time when JL touches him like this, the certainty of his desire.
Han likes that pleasure is a word that they had defined for each other. It had taken several times after that first time for JL’s body to get accustomed to him, for sex to go from something that it begrudgingly accepted to something that it actively wanted, but Han could feel it when the shift happened and had immediately proceeded to try and figure out how he could best make JL lose his mind.
There must be something deeply wrong with him, but JL is someone who gives and gives, and whenever Han has JL like this he always wants JL to take, to force him to the point that he can only beg for more. Besides, he has to fight JL’s words somehow. JL’s version of dirty talk might be unconventionally sweet and generous but damn, if it doesn’t work on him.
He remembers one night when JL just kept talking, I want you inside me, Hani, don’t you know that I’m yours, and Han had pressed JL into the mattress and fucked him with his hand around JL’s dick and his mouth on JL’s neck, wanting to overwhelm him, trying to get him to shut up before Han combusted. When he had looked up JL was crying, and Han immediately stopped, touching his face, frantically asking JL if he was alright. JL just yanked him down and hissed, “If you stop now, I’ll kill you.”
It’s a good memory.
Tonight the windows in his bedroom are dark, and the light which spills from the lamp is warm and golden. Han pulls JL into his bed and strips him of his pants and boxers, leaving the hoodie on. JL is already half-hard, and Han goes to mark up the insides of his thighs, until JL is shivering impatiently.
“Touch me,” he demands.
Han thinks about it. “No,” he says.
JL bites his lip. “Can I touch myself?”
“Don’t.”
When Han goes to stretch JL out, there’s barely any resistance. JL stares at him with his eyes lidded, his shyness something that he had left behind at seventeen. Han works him open with practiced ease, remembering what JL once told him, I do this sometimes and pretend it’s you, but I like your hands better than mine.
It’s familiar now. At this point Han knows JL’s body better then his own, knows exactly how to make him feel good, how to make him feel better. It’s an easy rhythm and he knows exactly how this night should go, what JL wants from him.
He likes to think that he’s good at being JL’s boyfriend these days, their relationship a song which he has practiced so many times, trying to get it right.
But what they don’t tell you about loving somebody is that the music always changes. That you can’t ever truly know somebody else because you don’t know who they’ll be tomorrow. Can’t ever truly know yourself either for the same reason. So Han has loved JL for so many years but somehow it still feels brand new, that ordinary magic of being by his side never leaving him.
Han is bad with words. He speaks awkwardly and says strange things and he is laughably terrible at telling JL how he feels about him. He had to confess to JL via a stupid meme just to confess at all and he knows that JL talks this much to help him out because he just can’t do it, all the words in his heart getting stuck behind his throat, that locked door in his mouth staying firmly shut no matter how much he bangs on it.
But it’s weird how practice works. How he will never know when he might try the door and find it open, as if it had never given him so much trouble at all.
He reaches out and traces a pattern on JL’s thigh, keeping his eyes fixed on where the hem of his hoodie meets JL’s skin.
“I like when you wear my clothes,” Han says quietly. “You look amazing in them.”
JL stills.
“You feel so good around me,” Han continues. “Sometimes I want you so much that I can’t focus on anything else.”
He looks up. JL’s eyes are wide, and Han smiles, helpless. Tells him, “I think you’re perfect for me. I love you.”
He shuts his mouth, feels the bolt click back in place, but it’s okay. It’s easier to do something right again then do it for the first time.
JL is staring at him in wonder, unable to speak. And then JL is kissing him, pushing Han into the mattress, his hands everywhere, tugging Han’s clothes off as if they personally offended him. Han tries to cover his face but JL pins his wrists down, so harsh that it almost feels angry. He climbs on top of Han and rides him, the fabric of the hoodie brushing against the top of his thighs. JL looks like a god and Han feels dizzy, overwhelmed, all the oxygen in the room consumed by passion.
“Come inside me,” JL commands, and Han follows suit, his vision going dark for a few seconds.
JL is still hard, not touching himself as Han requested. He cries out when Han covers his body with his own and gets him off, biting down on Han’s neck when he comes, a burst of pain and pleasure blooming along his skin. Han works him through it until JL is shaking from oversensitivity, and then he rolls off of JL and pulls him in, the crown of JL’s head against his shoulder.
They lie there for a while until Han gently shakes him. “Come on. We have to clean up.”
“Okay,” JL sighs.
They shower, and then Han starts up the laundry, the washing machine whirring to life. He comes out to the living room to find JL messing with the TV, the channel open to the college sports network, where the last thing that they had watched was Juwon’s recent swim meet.
“He’s really amazing, isn’t he?” JL says.
“Yeah,” Han agrees.
JL replays one of the clips. Juwon had been offered a sports scholarship out-of-state, and while Han can’t attend his meets in person he always watches the broadcast. On screen, Juwon dives into the pool to the cheers of his teammates, cutting through the water like a bullet.
“Do you want ramen?” Han asks, when the clip ends.
“Yes please.”
Han turns on the stove, the electric coils glowing a soft red as it heats up. He waits for the water to boil, adds in two packs of ramen along with the eggs and leftover dumplings that he has in the fridge. It’s warm in the apartment. Steam rises from the pot, the water gently bubbling. Once the ramen is done he divides it into two bowls and sets them on the coasters on the coffee table.
“Thank you,” JL says gratefully. “What do you want to watch tonight?”
“My classmates in my Signals class were arguing about WALL-E so I kind of want to rewatch that.”
“What were they arguing about?”
“Which of the characters would be easiest to build from scratch,” Han says. “I think it might be because we’re engineering majors.”
“It’s definitely because of that.”
Han turns off the light while JL searches the movie up. It’s a kind of peace with JL that feels like forever, like a kind of love that lasts a lifetime. He wants it always, the good days and bad days and everything in between, a story with so many chapters left to write.
He never thought it would be like this. He’s scared of heights, and falling for JL is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to him. If there was an option, at the beginning, he might have chosen not to feel this way. To stay where it was safe and comfortable. But it’s JL, and there is no world where Han wouldn’t love him, so all there really is to do is to keep falling, to keep practicing, until the day that he gets it right. And in a way it’s so easy. After all, when it comes to JL, Han has never stood a chance.