Work Text:
1, 2, 3, 4.
Move.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Move again.
Kairi's wide, unblinking gaze stared at the crown of the hospital's wall, counting the ridges in the architecture. Co had been doing this for some time now - over and over, one's eyes traveled the room, keeping track of the ridges in the ceiling, the tiles on the floor, even the pens in the nearby cup - there were 12 of them, by the way. 16 ridges on the crown of each wall. And 48 visible tiles on the floor, with roughly 56 counting the ones hidden beneath the countertop.
All divisble by four. The number of stability to some, the number of death to others. Kairi's gaze fell from the upper edge of the wall, hands squeezed together in a tight grasp. It was truly odd to co, that a number could hold such dual meaning to different cultures.
And, coincidentally, seemed to mirror ones own situation, considering the circumstances…stable here, inside this place of healing, when just a day ago, she…
Co clasped cos hands together a bit tighter. A familiar fuzziness rippling at the corners of her mind, as Kairi's eyes fell to the floor.
It was hard to believe it had happened. The co had done that.
That any of this was real…
The sound of a door opening drew Kairi's gaze back from the floor - up to a new individual. A member of staff who had bright hazel eyes, a small smile, and frizzy, shoulder-blade length black hair walked in, clipboard in hand. Around her coat, a rainbow lanyard had an ID attached - it read Nurse Xiomara Huapaya, PMHNP.
24 letters on that tag. Divisible by 4, once again.
"Well, hello there!"
Kairi blinked. Automatically, she sat up straighter, eyes once again widening.
"Hello."
"You are…" The nurse, with a small hum, started to leaf through papers, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. Co noticed her brows furrowing. "Room number, room number…"
"202."
The woman looked up, lips pursing in sudden surprise - before what Kairi assumed? Hoped? Prayed? Was an amused hum left her.
"Thank you, Miss…Herring? Kairi Herring?"
"That is correct."
"Good, good! Apologies! When you know a place so well, silly details like room numbers get lost in the cracks. Muscle memory and all that!" The lady giggled with a sigh, sounding a tad sheepish. "And where are my manners? My name is Xiomara Huapaya - though considering you remembered the room number, I have a feeling you may've already noticed."
Kairi only hummed in acknowledgement as the nurse - Xiomara - got herself settled. As the woman turned her back to Kairi, one hunched, observing her movements. Mannerisms. How she, once again, clicked her tongue as she searched through the drawer nearby for something. How she bounced on her feet as she did so, too. Kairi took in a deep, deep breath as a subconscious fog started to pile in cos mind.
A flashback. A young Kairi, in the church, over the course of many years one couldn't fully remember. But she remembered clicking ones tongue, kicking ones legs as she sat in the pews. It was unconscious. A way to pass the time, as a younger Kairi listened to the pastor speak of Him in all his glory.
Co remembered the disapproving looks from the adults around her. And, sometimes, even the scolding from her parents. For distracting from the sermon. For disrespecting the pastor's sermon, and His word by default.
Seeing someone else do it…
"Are you interested in a stim toy at all? Maybe some water? There's a water cooler outside."
The fog had been penetrated, and once more, Kairi's back straightened as Xiomara looked back. Eyes darting off to the crown of the wall. The ridges.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Kairi allowed the breath one had taken in to finally release. How long had co been holding it?
"I…have no preference to either."
A beat of silence, and Kairi's eyes darted to another crown. She wasn't in the church. Co had to prove it to coself.
1, 2, 3, 4.
"Alright then. Well, if it's really no issue for you, then I'll just bring the bowl out. You're free to grab water if and whenever you'd like."
…Bowl? Kairi's curiosity drew her eyes towards Xiomara - or, well, her hands - to find a small teal bowl, filled with what seemed to be various different fidget toys. Somewhat haphazardly, she placed it down on a tray next to the examination bed Kairi was sitting on. Just out of her peripherals, Kairi could see the nurse still smiling - albeit gentler now - at one for a brief moment, before grabbing a small cube out of the bowl. It had various little buttons, clickers, and even a small joystick on the side.
Co watched Xiomara fidget with it as she went back the rolling chair at the computer desk, opening a different drawer and pulling out various papers - briefly getting a glimpse at what seemed to be a questionnaire.
"Alright, Kairi, today will be- sorry, is Kairi alright? Any preferred names or titles? Should I use your last name?"
Kairi shook cos head no - acutely aware of a slight ache in the back of her neck from how stiffly one was sitting.
"Kairi it is, then!" The nurse chirped, before her eyes fell back to her clipboard. "Alright, where was I…today we will be doing a standard psychological evaluation. Do you know what that entails?"
Once again, co shook her head no.
"That's fine," The nurse spoke, starting to move papers around on the clipboard as she spoke. "It varies case-to-case and hospital-to-hospital. At Ehawee, we typically do 'interviews' for the PHQ-9 and GAD-7 to test the severity of general anxiety and depressive related symptoms - though there is also the option to fill out the forms yourself! Then, we talk for some time, and go from there - discuss treatment options and such. We'll make sure to contact your family, as well, with any major updates."
Kairi's shoulders tensed, and for a moment, the small line Kairi's mouth naturally fell into crinkled into a slight frown.
Something impulsive tumbled from ones lips:
"Would…my family, do they…"
"Hm?"
Xiomara didn't look up, but Kairi saw the nurses hands had ceased their movement.
'Your family brought you in. They have a right to know. You remember what He said about familial loyalty, no?'
A sickening guilt seeded in Kairi's stomach.
"Kairi?"
"Ah," Kairi sighed, ones lips once against straightening out as one did her best to swallow the feeling. "…It's…nothing."
Daring a brief look at the nurse, co could see that the smile had fallen - the brows of the lady once again furrowed as she had a confused frown. Cos eyes fell to the floor, absently staring at the marbled patterns.
"Are you sure?"
"Mhm."
A silence from Xiomara that Kairi couldn't read stretched for a long few seconds, before the nurse let out a small sigh.
"Alright…but any concerns you may have will be handled as professionally as possible. We want to make this as comfortable as possible for you."
Kairi hummed, trying to push the blooming doubts that came from that statement deep into the recesses of her mind. Xiomara started to fidget with the papers once more, just for a few seconds, before pulling one of the two questionnaire pamphlets to the top.
"Then...if you've no questions or possible concerns-" A pause, and Kairi could feel the nurses eyes on co, though with no idea what emotion they may yield. "-then we'll start the evaulation. Would you prefer I ask you the questions, or to fill them out yourself?"
Kairi's eyes flicked to the clipboard.
"I would prefer to do it independently, Miss Xiomara."
Kairi could hear the surprised 'Hm?' leave the nurse, alongside a chuckle.
"Did I say something funny?" Kairi spoke softly, with a slight cock of ones head.
"Just the phrase Miss Xiomara, dear," The nurse hummed, still chuckling. "I hear it so frequently, yet it never ceases to surprise me. It makes me feel way older than I am!" An icy prickle shot through Kairi's back, and cos eyes fell to the ground once again.
'Disrespecting someone helping you? For shame, Kairi. We do not disrespect those guiding us.'
"My apologies…"
Another confused hum, followed by the sound of wheels rolling.
"Oh, it's nothing to apologize for, Kairi!" Xiomara reassured, coming into view from the peripherals of Kairi's gaze. "I understand the formality of it! No offense taken."
A beat of silence, as Xiomara offered Kairi the clipboard. The smile on Xiomara's face…
Kairi's eyes drifted up, briefly and without thought, meeting Xiomaras for 1, 2, 3, 4 beats.
In the church, Kairi had realized from a young age that smiles and laughter meant nothing compared to the eyes. Eyes were the window to the soul, often peering in voyeuristically and with scrutiny. Tension. Divine judgement, even. Keeping ones head down kept Kairi out of that dangerous, fickle limelight. And…when Kairi met Xiomara's eyes, she saw none of it. None of the scrutiny. The expectation.
Her eyes matched her smile.
How odd.