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July - nine months ago
‘Will Jim have a plus one?’ Seth asked, frowning at something on the laptop screen.
‘Probably.’ Louis put a fresh mug of decaf oolong on the table. ‘We’ll be getting RSVPs.’
‘Yes, but we have to have a venue address before we can send the invites, so we do need an estimate,’ Seth grumbled, reaching for the mug. ‘Thank you,’ he added, accepting the little kiss Louis dropped onto his lips while he was passing.
‘Put in a plus one for him, then. He’s been talking my ear off about that woman he met at the New Years do. Maybe he’ll have his shit sorted out in the next eight months.’
‘Alright. What about Angel?’
‘Not sure.’
‘Wasn’t she seeing somebody last time you talked to her? You mentioned something.’
‘They’d gone on a couple of dates. That was a while ago.’
Seth sighed.
Scooping Jasmine off the soft mat in front of the sofa, Louis swept her into the air and zoomed her around a little over his head to make her squeal, coming in to land against his shoulder and patting her back gently as she burbled. Her little fingers tugged at the collar of his t-shirt as she tried to put it in her mouth, drool soaking through the soft cotton. He huffed wryly as he headed back to the table.
When he glanced up, Seth was watching them, a distant, tender expression softening the creases around his grey-blue eyes. Seth ducked his head and sipped his tea to hide his smile at being caught, and Louis rubbed a thumb against Seth’s neck as he passed. The scent of him was sweet with contentment in the still air.
‘We’ve got nearly thirty people already, even if we assume half of them won’t bring anyone,’ Seth said, going back to his laptop as Louis helped Jasmine to find her footing on his knees. Her delighted giggles as he bounced her up and down made Louis smile, and he made silly faces at her as her tiny turned-up nose wrinkled with her gummy grin.
‘That’s not bad,’ Louis answered as an afterthought. ‘’Bout what we were hoping for.’
‘We said twenty-five.’
‘So what is it? Twenty-seven? Twenty-eight?’
‘If everyone brings a date? Closer to forty.’
‘Not everyone will.’
‘But they might, so we have to account for that.’
Jasmine squealed, and Louis lifted her up to blow a noisy raspberry on her tummy as she wriggled.
‘It’s still a small number,’ Louis said as Jasmine stamped her feet on his thighs, hair-raisingly close to a more sensitive area. He nudged her gently into a safer spot. ‘Most places we’ve been looking at can go up to a hundred.’
Seth grunted, still hunched behind his tea and frowning at his spreadsheets.
‘Are you still thinking about Phil and Alison?’ Louis asked, keeping his attention on their daughter.
Seth huffed and sat back in his chair, cradling his tea mug. He watched Louis and Jasmine with a pensive frown that couldn’t quite hide the fondness.
After another moment, Seth sighed. ‘They’re my parents,’ he muttered. ‘I can’t not invite them.’
‘You can.’
Seth scoffed under his breath and glanced away, but his gaze trailed back to them like he couldn’t help himself. ‘They’re not monsters, Lou. They’re just—It doesn’t matter. If I refuse to even invite them, I’ll look like a stroppy child. They’re adults, they’re capable of some tact. They won’t say anything offensive at our bloody wedding.’
‘Mm.’
Jasmine was losing interest in bouncing, wriggling a bit in an effort to scoot herself around and see what was on the table. Louis steadied her so she could turn, but kept a restraining hand on her belly so she wouldn’t get too far, setting his own tea further out of reach. Laptops and scalding hot mugs were best left unexplored for the moment.
‘We’ll have two dozen people there we’re very fond of,’ Seth said, arms still folded as he watched Jasmine reach for the nearest prospective toy—a pen. It had a cap on it, so neither of them stopped her. ‘That’s a perfectly respectable number.’
‘Yeah.’
Jasmine got ahold of the pen in one little fist and promptly experimented with putting it in her mouth. Louis intervened smoothly with a gentle but stern reminder of what was and wasn’t permitted to be eaten.
Possibly the message sank in, because Jasmine switched to grappling with Louis’s fingers and started to make the little restive noises that generally precipitated a demand for food.
‘Here,’ Seth sighed, putting his mug aside and unbuttoning his shirt. ‘It’s about that time.’
Jasmine changed hands smoothly as Seth pushed his chair back and settled her comfortably in his arms. Lost in thought, Louis watched her suckle, her mouth latched onto Seth’s fat pink nipple and her little fingers kneading at his freckled chest. Seth made a noise and peeled her pinchy grasp free of a particularly sharp hold; either a fistful of chest hair or her persistently razor-sharp fingernails. She was easily distracted, though, with a finger to squeeze.
‘I’m going to ask Nicole to walk me down the aisle,’ Seth said. His gaze, like Louis’s, was fixed on their daughter’s placid little face and her tufty dark hair.
Louis took a breath and let it out. He nodded. ‘Good.’
Seth flicked his eyes up to meet Louis’s, and he gave Louis a small smile.
‘Good,’ Seth echoed, and stroked Jasmine’s dark hair back from her tiny brow.
February - 20 years and two months ago
‘—fucking hate Rebecca,’ Nicole was ranting, flinging her arms around violently enough that her school backpack bounced on her shoulders. ‘She is such a cow, I hope she falls in a hole and dies—’
Louis snorted, taking a last quick puff of his cigarette and then stubbing it out against the concrete of the garden wall they were passing. They were nearly at the end of the snicket, despite slowing to a lazy amble for the stretch between streets so that he could light up without too many onlookers. He tucked the unfinished butt into the old tin he used for his smokes, and stuffed the whole thing back into the pocket of his threadbare down jacket.
‘—can’t believe she’d say that—’ Nicole’s voice trembled with a sudden onrush of emotion.
‘She’s a cunt,’ Louis said as they turned the corner to walk along the side of the park. ‘Ignore her.’
‘We’re supposed to be friends!’
There was the crux of the matter. Louis could only shrug.
‘Ugh. I know why she did it, too,’ Nicole muttered darkly, kicking a crumpled plastic Sprite bottle off the path in front of them. ‘Gareth talked to me in Chem.’
Louis grunted. Gareth. Too loud and annoying, but.
He listened as they walked the last stretch through the corner of the park, past the playground with its sad, rain-drenched swings. It’d held off while they were heading home, but the air felt bone-chillingly damp in the way only a dimming February afternoon can.
‘Nicole!’
Nicole startled like a deer, all legs, nearly jumping behind Louis at the ringing voice. It wouldn’t have done her much good, since they were almost the same height.
‘Oh my god, what!’ she shouted back across the wet concrete at the approaching figure, who was haloed by the streetlamp that’d come on early near the end of the terrace.
‘Where the hell have you been? It’s half past!’ her older brother snapped harshly as he materialised in front of them, only a little ghostly with the way the streetlight washed out his pale skin. He had a shock of red hair, the same rust colour as Nicole’s, that was looking uncharacteristically rumpled for some reason, and golden freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheeks like fairy dust. And oh, that scary (scarily pretty) pink mouth, which was currently drawn into a thin line.
‘It’s none of your business!’ Nicole retorted, giving her brother the finger and shoving his shoulder so she could pass him. ‘So what! You’re not the fucking police, Jesus.’
‘Mum’s having a fucking fit, you little arsehole,’ he growled, whirling to keep up with her and shoving her shoulder right back, though without much malice. Louis followed a few feet behind them, keeping a watchful eye. ‘It’s basically pitch black out here, and you’re walking home on your own—’
‘Get your fuckin’ eyes checked, I’m not alone, I’m with Louis,’ Nicole hissed at him furiously, giving him another shove and gesturing at Louis behind them.
‘Oh, fantastic, Louis,’ her brother repeated, with an eye-roll that took his whole head with it. ‘That’ll make her feel so much better, good luck explaining who the fuck Louis is. I’ll leave that one to you, shall I? I’m sure she won’t have any questions about you staying out late with random boys from school and coming home smelling like cigarettes. Idiot.’
‘Ugh, Seth, I hate you so much, why do you always try to ruin my life!’ Nicole shouted at him, speeding up. Her school trainers slapped on the wet concrete as she ran the last of the way to the edge of the park, turned the corner, and disappeared through the wooden gate into the back garden of the house at the end of the terrace.
A couple of moments later, a door slammed.
Seth huffed, hands in his pockets. He’d stopped where he was, so Louis stopped too; it was that or walk into him. Stepping around and carrying on was a possibility, but…
Seth turned his head and his blue-grey eyes landed on Louis again, heavy.
‘If you touch my sister, I’ll break every bone in your fucking body,’ Seth said, voice low and flat.
Louis snorted.
It wasn’t intentional; if he’d had a little more self-control, he would’ve shut the fuck up. Seth had a good six inches on him, and while Louis was solid enough for fifteen, Seth had the lean strength of a couple of extra years and probably, like, bicep curls.
Seth’s already-thunderous expression darkened and he took a step closer, getting into Louis’s space, using that extra height to tower over him.
‘You think I’m being fucking funny?’ Seth growled. ‘Think I won’t break your fucking legs so you can’t run away while I take my time destroying you?’
Louis squared his jaw and didn’t move. His hands curled into fists inside his pockets. This close, Seth’s breath misted on Louis’s face in the cool air; he could count his freckles.
‘I’m gay,’ Louis said. His mouth was dry around the admission, freshly pressed and untested. ‘So.’
Seth’s eyes widened a fraction, his gaze darting all over Louis’s face like he was looking for something. He breathed out. Rocked back on his heels.
‘So why the hell are you lurking around my sister?’ he snapped, but some of the bite had gone out of it.
Louis raised an eyebrow. ‘Why not? Is your sister shit?’
‘Fuck you, you little prick,’ Seth scoffed, rolling his eyes and half turning to glare across the wet grass towards his house. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘We walk the same way,’ Louis shrugged. ‘Also, she’s funny. And she was walking on her own, ’cause that Amy kid moved. A couple of twats in year twelve were saying shit about her the other week, like… about her tits, and ’cause she’s ginger. So.’
Seth blew air through his teeth. ‘Fuck’s sake.’ He was quiet for a minute. ‘Fine. Thanks. Keep an eye on her, yeah?’
‘Sure.’
Seth cast him another sharp glare. ‘You’d better not be fucking lying about the gay thing.’
Louis gave him a bleak smile. ‘Why the fuck would I lie about that?’ he said quietly. ‘Chance is you’d probably thump me either way.’
Seth scoffed and gave his house another quick glance, shoving his fingers through his messy mop of dark red hair. ‘Yeah, well.’ He stopped, looked at Louis sidelong. ‘I’m not a complete hypocrite.’
Louis’s throat bobbed, mouth suddenly back to desiccating dryness. He nodded.
‘Whatever. Don’t be a shit, and I won’t have to hunt you down,’ Seth warned, turning away.
‘Yeah,’ Louis said. He watched Seth leave, standing there in the quiet twilight until the frigid air made him shiver, and then headed for home.
September - seven months ago
Some small noise made Louis stir. The bedroom was still dark and quiet when he rolled over, just the steady breathing of the other person in the bed—
One person. Should’ve been two. Taylor had stayed over. That was his messy hair spread darkly across the pale pillowcase, distinct even in the shadows.
Sliding quietly out from under the covers, Louis padded to the bedroom door, opening and closing it gingerly so it wouldn’t clunk against the doorframe.
There was no light on in Jasmine’s room, but there was a faint sound from the direction of the kitchen.
The shape of Seth’s broad shoulders was outlined against the moonlight creeping through the kitchen window. Louis paused in the doorway for a moment, just watching, taking in Seth’s graceful stance, his bowed head, the way his pale skin caught the light and made him seem to glow ever so slightly, ethereal in the shadows.
Jasmine’s little hitching breaths of distress kept him from lingering. She was quite quiet, muffled—Probably the cool teething ring out of the fridge.
‘Shh, sh sh,’ Seth murmured, just a breath in the dark.
Louis padded to him, slipping an arm around his waist. Seth leaned into it wordlessly; he must’ve heard Louis’s footsteps in the hall.
‘Okay?’ Louis murmured, rubbing Seth’s shoulder softly, warm skin under his fingers.
‘Mm.’ Seth’s voice was very quiet and low, but there was still a rasp in it—a little crack. Louis felt him swallow and shakily breathe.
With careful hands, Louis eased Jasmine out of Seth’s arms and against his own chest, hushing her and stroking one flushed little cheek with a knuckle as she grimaced and gurned quietly with discomfort. She was drooling around the chewy silicone ring, and he dabbed some of it away from her chin with a corner of her blanket. She didn’t complain beyond a squirm and a little whimper, too exhausted to protest.
Seth sniffed and turned away, grabbing a tissue from the box on the windowsill. Louis rocked Jasmine gently as Seth quietly washed his face at the sink, blew his nose again, and leant on the counter with his head down for a little while.
‘Love,’ Louis whispered.
Seth nodded jerkily, taking a shuddering breath, and then turned and came back to them. He kissed Louis’s mouth, slow and very soft, more like a shared breath, and Louis nuzzled their noses together. Then Seth curled himself around Jasmine’s little body, resting his head on Louis’s shoulder above her, his arms linked like a vice around Louis’s waist.
‘Did she wake up, or did you check on her?’ Louis asked very quietly, resting his temple on the top of Seth’s head.
There hadn’t been a cry. If there had, Louis would’ve wakened much earlier. He was the lightest sleeper out of all of them.
‘She was awake,’ Seth mumbled. Louis felt wet droplets transferring between Seth’s eyelashes and Louis’s skin, cool little salt-stained particles of some exhausted, overwhelming grief.
Louis kissed Seth’s hair, easing one hand free so he could curl it around the nape of Seth’s neck, thumb stroking the cropped-short fuzz and velvet skin, just as vulnerable somehow as the little creature nestled in the cradle of their arms.
‘She’s going to be fine,’ Louis murmured.
Seth’s arms squeezed him tight, and Seth’s mouth brushed against his skin, soft and safe and warm.
April - 20 years and two weeks ago
Long tree-shadows stretched across the grass to meet Louis as he left the snicket, climbed over the fence, and kept on walking across the empty field.
The breeze plucked with cool fingers at the mouth of his heavy Tesco bag. The thin plastic was straining around the weight of a six-pack of baked beans, a jar of peanut butter, a tub of marge, and the relatively blameless loaf of white own-brand ready-sliced.
Louis took a pull of his cigarette, shoulders hunched against the chill creeping under his black hoodie.
The park was empty at nearly eight on a Tuesday evening, the football kids already called in for dinner and bed. There was someone on the swings, though.
The figure was familiar. Even hunched over on the swing-set that was five sizes too small, the head of rust-brown hair was unmistakable.
Louis looked along the rows of houses beyond the boundary of the park, fiddling with the cigarette between his fingers. He changed trajectory slightly towards the silent boy.
His footsteps were a little louder as he crossed the concrete path that cut through the top end of the park, separating the field from the wood-chipped area that held the play park. The noise alerted the other inhabitant, and Seth’s head snapped up to eye Louis warily.
Setting his plastic bag down by the base of one metal support pole, Louis propped himself on the neighbouring swing. He crossed his ankles, looping his elbows around the linked chains holding him up and taking another pull on his nearly finished cigarette.
‘That’s disgusting,’ Seth said from a metre or so away. His voice was a bit raspy. ‘You shouldn’t smoke. You’ll get cancer. Also how fucking old are you, aren’t you Nicole’s age?’
Louis took another drag, letting out a slim stream of smoke slowly into the cool evening air. ‘Don’t think the cancer cares if I’m fifteen or forty,’ he said.
Seth scoffed and went quiet.
Louis finished his cigarette.
‘Do you get along with your parents?’ Seth asked into the silence, as Louis was stubbing out the embers on the nearest pole.
Louis flicked the butt away to disappear into the wood chips, his eyes on a black bird that was picking at something some way off, near the other end of the field. Maybe it was a crow.
‘I live with a foster family,’ he said. ‘They’re alright.’
‘Oh.’
‘Bit religious,’ Louis added. ‘Don’t really get it. Better than some of the other places I’ve stayed.’
Seth didn’t reply.
Louis felt in his coat pocket for his cigarette tin. His fingers brushed the packet of Bonjela that he’d picked up at the shop, and he thumbed the corner of the cardboard, watching the crow hop along the grass in search of something.
‘You?’ Louis asked finally.
Seth made a scornful, cynical sort of noise, and the chains rattled as he adjusted his seat on the too-small swing. ‘My mum’s a fucking bitch,’ he said flatly.
Louis nodded.
‘She went through my stuff,’ Seth added blackly.
Louis’s mouth turned up at the corner. ‘Dirty mags?’
Seth laughed. ‘I fucking wish,’ he muttered.
There was another lengthy pause, and Louis shifted slightly as he contemplated the other possibilities.
‘She found my suppressants,’ Seth added abruptly, and Louis went very still.
The silence was different, suddenly. Louis kept on watching the crow.
‘And my blockers. And she fucking—Fuck.’
Seth’s swing clinked again as he hung his head and grasped fistfuls of his hair. From the corner of Louis’s eye, the strands caught the last rays of sunset, shooting it through with glittering gold.
Louis fiddled some more with the Bonjela in his pocket, fingers mapping out the corners of the slim cardboard box.
‘Worse than being a fucking queer, apparently,’ Seth muttered. ‘At least they could be in denial about that.’
Louis nodded.
‘But this—Oh, no. This is a capital fucking offense, apparently. Why the fuck does she think I didn’t tell them in the first place?’ Seth cut himself off with a snarl, grabbing the chains and jerking them noisily, kicking at the wood chips. Some scattered as far as the concrete path.
‘That sucks,’ Louis said quietly.
‘I mean, I don’t know what the fuck she wants me to say—’ Seth burst out furiously. ‘It’s not like I fucking picked it, I didn’t want it, it just fucking happened to me—’ His voice cracked and he broke off, sucking in quick, shuddering breaths.
‘Yeah.’
‘I was going to tell them at some point, like when I move the fuck out, but apparently she doesn’t fucking trust me or respect my privacy enough for that, so here we fucking are, making a giant fucking deal out of it, when it’s none of their fucking business anyway.’ Seth hissed air through his teeth, hanging his head again. ‘Fuck.’
Louis pushed a clump of wood chips flat with the toe of his trainer.
The swings creaked and clinked quietly as they both swayed ever so slightly. The wind rustled through the trees along the side of the park.
‘She’s probably told Dad already,’ Seth muttered thinly. ‘Or she will, when he gets home.’
‘Will they kick you out?’ Louis picked at the corner of the Bonjela box.
Seth scoffed. ‘No. Worse, they’ll just fucking shit on me for it for the rest of my life because they’re disgusted with me without ever actually telling me to my face. Because they’re good samaritans, they don’t want to look bad, even though they’re fucking horrified that their supposedly perfect son is a fucking freak.’
‘You’re not.’
‘The fuck do you know? You’re just a kid. We’re both freaks, anyway, since we’re both faggots. Being fucking omega is just the icing on the cake. Now they have to fucking know I’m going to take it up the arse.’
Louis’s fingers curled around the Bonjela in his pocket, and around the cold chain of the swing. He watched the crow ruffle its wings and then launch itself into the air, disappearing off into the trees.
Seth laughed humourlessly. ‘Two more months,’ he said darkly. ‘Have to finish my GCSEs and get the fuck out of sixth form, and then I can leave this shithole. They can go fuck themselves if they think they can order me around after that.’
‘Where are you going to go?’
‘Who cares? Not here,’ Seth snapped, and then made a frustrated noise, ruffling his hair again. ‘University, obviously. Durham, probably, if I can get the marks.’
Louis nodded.
The swings squeaked and creaked a little as Seth pushed himself back as far as he could with his feet on the ground and then let himself sway, forward and back, forward and back.
‘What about you?’ Seth asked finally. ‘What do you want to do after you finish school?’
‘Go.’ Louis pushed his heel deeper into the chips, working it into a rut. ‘Away.’
Seth laughed huskily. ‘Mm.’
‘I don’t know. I’m pretty thick, so I probably won’t get into uni or anything.’
‘What?’ Seth looked at him sidelong, and Louis met his gaze, taking in his affronted look. ‘Who the fuck says you’re thick? Nicole told me you’re a fucking wizard with maths.’
Louis shrugged and went back to forming a deep V in the mulch. ‘Numbers are alright. I can’t spell for shit.’
Seth scoffed. ‘Spelling’s not that hard. You’ve probably just had incompetent teachers. It’s not like they’re fucking worth the piss they’re all drinking around here.’
‘Everyone else seems to manage,’ Louis muttered. ‘Doesn’t matter. I’d rather do something with my hands, anyway.’
‘You shouldn’t have to waste your potential just because everyone’s too lazy to properly teach you. I can tutor you, if you want.’
‘No, thanks.’ Louis kicked the dirt. ‘Don’t have time anyway.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t have time?’ Seth made an exasperated noise.
‘Barely get any homework done most weeks, anyway,’ Louis said flatly. ‘I have stuff to do, alright? I have to get home so Jilly can go to work, and I have to get the little kids their tea, and clean up, and put them to bed and that. Viv’s pretty good, but she’s only nine, she can’t keep an eye on Kevin and Faith for that long while I’m doing fucking French conjugation or whatever bollocks, and she’s got her own homework, anyway. And Angel’s fucking teething, so she cries, like, all fucking night, and Jilly and Mark get pissed off if she’s not quieted down by the time they get home, so I usually sleep with her next to my bed so I can calm her down, which means I’m the one who has to change her fucking gross nappies and get woken up at half five every bloody morning.’
He broke off, breathing roughly through his nose, and swept a foot across the furrow he’d been making in the wood chips, scattering them back into the breach.
‘Wait, where the hell are your foster parents, then?’ Seth sounded wary.
‘Mark and Jilly. They have to work a lot. Jilly does night shifts. She’s a nurse. Mark commutes, he doesn’t get back until ten or eleven most of the time.’
‘That doesn’t seem legal. They shouldn’t be leaving you alone like that.’
Louis shrugged moodily. ‘Dunno. There’s Elaine next door keeps an eye on us or whatever, but she’s got her own kids.’
Seth didn’t say anything else.
Louis stood up, swing jangling as it sprang back without his weight on it. He flattened out the wood chips with his feet and scooped up his Tesco bag.
‘Better go,’ he said. ‘Elaine said she could stick around for a bit while I nipped to the shops, she’s probably watching telly, but she’ll get snitty if I’m gone too long.’
Seth stood, too, the second swing rattling like the first. They stood and looked at one another in silence for a few moments. The air felt a little odd between them, sort of heavy.
The sun had set already, and the sky was darkening from pale grey to deep blue. The streetlight by the edge of the park cast its yellow glare across their faces, highlighting Seth’s sharp nose and pointed chin with stark shadows. Louis could still see his freckles, though.
Taking a sudden step forward, Seth reached out and tangled his fingers in Louis’s hair, gentle at the nape of Louis’s neck. Louis’s pulse slammed as Seth swooped close and pressed their mouths together in the oncoming dark.
Seth’s lips were dry and lightly chapped, but very soft. Louis kissed back, pushing against him hungrily, the tip of his tongue darting out to feel the seam of Seth’s lips. He felt them part on a little breath, felt his heartbeat thundering through him all the way to his fingertips.
Seth pulled away again with a rough noise, letting go and putting some space between them, and Louis stood dumbly, staring at his face where it was haloed by the glow of the streetlamp.
‘I should go deal with my fucking parents,’ Seth muttered.
‘Okay,’ Louis said.
Seth stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked away.
December - four and a half months ago
The front door slammed. Taylor broke off mid-sentence and he and Louis glanced at the open doorway to the hall. In the silence, there were a couple of thuds like Seth’s shoes had been thrown across the floor.
‘I’m going to fucking murder them,’ Seth hissed, so low it was nearly a vibration as he stormed into the kitchen and slapped his phone down on the counter on his way to the sink.
Louis’s gaze followed him, as did Taylor’s, but Jasmine made a gurgling noise and Louis had to return his attention to helping her scoop up rice and peas with her little Peter Rabbit spoon.
‘What did they say?’ Taylor asked.
Seth barked an ugly laugh over the sound of him scrubbing his hands clean. ‘What didn’t they say—No. That’s not fair. They didn’t say a lot of things, like we’re so happy for you, or we’d drop everything to be there, but we did get onto the topic of Jasmine.’ He spun around, drying his hands on a teatowel and then flinging it onto the counter as he stalked back to his seat. ‘And after they insinuated that maybe it was for the best that she doesn’t have my genetics, given my condition, I had to point out that Taylor is not a woman’s name and you’re also omega, so it really makes no difference which of us provided the embryo, she’s got at least two AO parents no matter how you look at it.’
Taylor had recoiled halfway through that rant, one hand still curled around his wine glass and the other splayed on the tabletop as he stared at Seth in disbelief. ‘Wait—Wait, wait. I don’t understand. What condition?’
‘My parents are fucking troglodytes who subscribe to the entirely debunked theory that two AO people have a vastly higher chance of producing an AO child,’ Seth snapped, snatching his own glass of sparkling water and taking a sip. ‘So their roundabout way of reassuring me that they approved of my life choices after once again questioning our decision to have children was to say that oh, it’s alright, we’re so glad you at least managed to avoid saddling your innocent infant with a future as an unholy abomination.’
‘Oh my god.’ Taylor’s face twisted like he’d tasted something horrible. ‘I didn’t know that was a real thing people still believed. What the fu—fudge?’
‘They’re a riot at parties,’ Louis said, claiming Jasmine’s spoon, much to her annoyance, so he could scoop spilt green curry and rice off her chin and her bib and pop it into her mouth.
‘Speaking of which—Wedding invite rescinded?’ Taylor asked, eyebrows raised in alarm.
Seth scoffed, returning to his own plate that he’d been so rudely dragged away from. ‘Oh, don’t worry, we didn’t even get that far. I made it clear to them before I hung up that they’re not welcome, and I’d be blocking them immediately, so good fu—flipping luck with any future calls.’
The sharp pitch of Seth’s voice rose enough that Jasmine’s grizzles of annoyance at having her spoon stolen turned into nose-scrunched grumbles of real distress. Seth seemed to realise it instantly, his face crumpling as he put down his fork.
‘Shh, sh, you’re just fine,’ Louis murmured, plucking Jasmine out of her highchair and popping her on his knee so he could use the ever-present damp flannel to wipe the worst of the curry off her face and hands. She was not to be appeased, though, her eyes watering and her little fists clenching as she squirmed.
Seth jolted to his feet again, half turning away and rubbing his forehead as he made a pained noise of frustration.
‘C’mere,’ Taylor said quietly, pushing his chair back and putting his hands out. He gave Louis a meaningful look, his eyes flicking back to Seth, and Louis gave him a correspondingly minute nod, bouncing Jasmine a couple of times before swooping her into Taylor’s comforting embrace.
‘Hey,’ Louis said, getting up and circling the table to the background hum of Taylor softly chattering to their daughter. He caught Seth’s hands from where his arms were folded tightly across his chest, gently unwinding them, and tugged him towards the hall doorway. ‘Come with me.’
‘I can’t do this,’ Seth croaked, voice a rasp, eyes tight shut.
‘Provably false,’ Louis said placidly. ‘Come on.’
‘Lou—’
‘Don’t make me throw you over my shoulder, my back’s already been giving me shit this week.’
That startled a laugh out of him, at least, and Seth stumbled a little unsteadily after Louis and towards the bedroom, where it was quiet and smelled mostly of them, and Taylor, and Jasmine’s baby shampoo, rather than curry and Seth’s own stress.
‘Louis—’
Louis pulled Seth into his arms silently, and Seth curled around him with a broken noise and buried his face in Louis’s shoulder.
They stood there in the muffled quiet, the only sound Seth’s ragged breathing. More distantly, they could hear Taylor’s warm voice speaking in low tones from the dining table, accompanied by Jasmine’s delighted giggles.
‘I’m a fucking terrible mum,’ Seth choked, and stifled a racking sob against Louis’s t-shirt. ‘I’m going to be j-just like her, I can’t—I can’t—’
‘Bullshit,’ Louis murmured, sliding his fingers into Seth’s hair and holding him close. ‘You’re already a hundred times better, and we’re only ten months in.’
‘I made her cry,’ Seth whimpered.
‘No, you didn’t.’ Louis cupped the back of Seth’s head and very gently tilted it, half turning them closer to the door. ‘Hear that?’
Another squeal of excitement and a subsequent squall of giggling echoed down the corridor.
‘She w-was going to, if I—if I’d stayed in the room, she—’
‘Don’t be daft.’ Louis put both hands on Seth’s cheeks and forced him to meet Louis’s gaze. Seth’s eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were stained, a painful pinch between his brows. ‘She could tell you’re upset, that’s all. It’s normal. She’s okay.’
‘I should be able to control myself better,’ Seth rasped with his eyes squeezed shut, fingers clutching at Louis’s hips just a bit too tight.
‘’S’that what Caroline would tell you?’
Seth opened his eyes so he could glare at Louis, not unfairly. Bringing up his therapist was a low blow.
Louis stroked his thumbs across Seth’s cheeks, smudging away a few stray tears. ‘You’re doing fine, beautiful. And your parents are cunts.’
Seth snorted, damp eyes crinkling with his water laugh. ‘God. They are, aren’t they? Why the fuck do I keep trying?’
Louis shrugged. ‘Think that’s just how it works, with family.’
‘You’re my family. All three of you.’ Seth gestured over Louis’s shoulder in the direction of the kitchen, and Louis smiled.
‘Yeah.’ He drew Seth into a gentle, slightly salt-watery kiss. ‘We are.’
Seth clutched him close and kissed him again, quick and rough and excruciatingly loving, and Louis closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Seth’s as they breathed.
January - 19 years and three months ago
< Is this Louis?
Louis read the message from the unfamiliar number a couple of times, pulling his coat tighter around him as he leant against the wall under the shelter of the Tesco roof overhang. It was raining onto the pavement a few feet away, sleet turning the tar seal into an ice rink.
Ye >
Woh r u
His fingers were a bit numb, even in his gloves, but he managed to type out the response on the stupid little buttons of his Nokia. It was running low on charge. He was pretty sure the library might have charging cables, though, and they opened at eight, so he’d probably go there in the morning. Not that he had anyone to talk to, really.
His phone vibrated to life in his hands, buzzing with an incoming call.
The distraction was enough to make Louis answer. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do than stand around trying to come up with a plan. And he hadn’t had much luck with that so far.
‘Louis?’ Seth’s voice was a bit crackly, a bad line, but electrifyingly familiar.
‘Hey,’ Louis said, a little hoarse.
‘What the fuck is going on? Nicole told me you weren’t at school today, and when you texted her you said you’d got kicked out.’
Louis cleared his throat. His nose had been running in the cold. ‘Yeah.’
‘Yeah? Yeah what?’
‘Yeah, I got kicked out.’
‘What the fuck, Louis!’
He cleared his throat again. The tickle was annoying. ‘Jilly and Mark said I had to go, ’cause they didn’t want me around the little kids. They’re gonna talk to the social worker tomorrow or something, I think. S’probably okay, though. I’m sixteen now, so I can ask for, like, a flat. Well. A dorm room, I think. I can get a thing to say I’m allowed to live on my own, anyway, so I don’t have to go to another foster home.’
There was a dangerous little silence on the other end of the line. Louis coughed into his fist and stamped his feet a bit, stuffing his free hand into his pocket. It wasn’t much warmer, but at least it was less damp than the icy air.
‘Where are you right now?’ Seth asked, voice flat.
Louis looked up at the overhang, galvanised metal beams and white paint and rivets.
‘Outside Tescos. Waiting for ten o’clock, then I’m gonna head back and sleep in the shed, and get out of here early when the bus is running.’
‘You can’t fucking sleep in a shed tonight, it’s the middle of January! You’ll die of hypothermia,’ Seth snarled. ‘Don’t be so fucking stupid. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck hold on.’
‘It’s fine. I’ve got layers on. Got my clothes, they let me take my stuff,’ Louis said, squeezing his rucksack between his knees again for reassurance. Still there.
‘Let you,’ Seth repeated, voice dripping with disgust. ‘I’ll take them to court myself, I don’t give a fuck how long it takes, the second I pass my SQE—Okay, there’s one more train running tonight, can you get there in twenty minutes?’
Louis looked across the car park. There were trees planted between it and the road beyond, shadowy in the dark, but somewhere past that was the train station. Five or ten minutes on foot, tops.
‘Yeah,’ he said.
‘How much cash do you have?’
His wallet was heavy in the inside pocket of his coat. It wasn’t like this had come entirely as a shock. He’d been squirreling away odds and ends for a while.
‘Enough, probably.’
‘Good. Get there, get on the train, I’ll find a connection to get you here tonight. If I have to, I’ll steal Eric’s car and come and get you.’
Louis watched the branches of a tree become luminescent for a moment, backlit by somebody’s headlights glittering through the icy rain. ‘Why?’
‘Why the fuck do you think? I’m not letting you sleep in a fucking shed because those worthless fucking hypocrites care more about their fucking doctrine of hate than about the wellbeing of a fucking child. And I don’t trust you not to get yourself into trouble if you’re on your own.’
Louis smiled crookedly at the darkness. ‘I’m sixteen,’ he said.
‘Exactly. Old enough to think that makes you a grown-up, still too young to have a fucking clue what that means. Go catch the train. I’ll call you back.’
‘Okay.’
Seth hung up without saying anything else, so Louis put his phone back in his pocket and picked up his rucksack.
The station platform was awash with sleet, even under the shelter of the darkened ticket building’s wide eaves. There was one other person waiting, an older guy in a heavy jacket with a suitcase beside him. Louis hunched himself against the wall and let the freezing wind buffet him in silence.
The train arrived eventually, disgorging a couple of reluctant passengers who hunched their shoulders and fought with their umbrellas as they hustled for the car park. Louis boarded, picking a different carriage to the other guy. There were enough passengers that nobody really looked at him, and there was warm air coming from the vents as he sat down by the window closest to the platform. He kept his arm looped through his rucksack straps, and gazed out at the streetlit rainy smear of town as the train started to move again. As they pulled away, the place turned into a greying smudge and then vanished behind the trees.
The ticket collector came by. Louis paid him in a lot of smaller coins, and the man huffed at him but let him have his ticket anyway.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he checked it.
< You should arrive 9.32, get on the 9.47 to Carlisle
I’ve called ahead and paid for your tix, go to the desk and tell them your name and mine, if they need confirmation you can call me and put me on the phone w/ them
OK?
Ok >
The transfer went smoothly. The lady at the ticket booth smiled at Louis like she thought he was terribly sad, and gave him a boiled sweet from a basket behind her desk. The train arrived on time. He boarded it and texted Seth to let him know.
He fell asleep for quite a while on the next leg of the journey, not waking until the train braked noisily coming in to another station, jolting him back to consciousness and making him clutch at his pack and nearly throw himself into the corridor. They were still one stop away from his, though, when he read the signs on the station wall, so he slumped back in his seat, heart thundering in his chest.
He made the switch at Carlisle, and texted Seth again from the next train. Seth texted back, Good, see you at the other end. He always spelt and punctuated all his messages perfectly, apparently.
It was late when Louis stepped down onto the platform at Durham, or maybe early, but at least it wasn’t raining. With his rucksack clutched to his chest, Louis walked along a bit haltingly underneath the wrought iron canopy, his burning eyes searching for any familiar figures in the glare of the electric lights.
Seth was waiting for him near the exit, wrapped up in an oversized wool winter jacket and a thick scarf and a beanie. He spotted Louis first, calling his name across the echoey concrete. Louis breathed out for what felt like the first time in hours.
By the time Louis reached him, Seth was already swearing about his inadequate coat and lack of hat, and stopped him where he was to ruffle up Louis’s hair and then plonk his own beanie over it. The wool was soft, and warmed by Seth’s skin. Seth glared at him and snatched his bag and pulled Louis by the hand all the way to his flatmate’s car.
They drove back to Seth’s flat more or less in silence, listening to Kings of Leon on the radio. Seth turned the heater all the way up. Louis held his hands in front of the vents and closed his sandpapery eyes.
Seth’s place was upstairs in an old stone building that was probably Victorian or something, so they had to walk up endless flights of steep steps in a tall, echoing stairwell. He let them in quietly, muttering at Louis to not make too much noise—his flatmate was asleep, early classes in the morning, apparently. He directed Louis towards the bedroom for his stuff, the bathroom for a much needed shower, and the kitchen afterwards for something hot to eat. Louis didn’t argue.
When he stumbled into the kitchen, clean and warm and in pyjamas, Seth was by the sink, washing something. He glared at Louis over his shoulder.
‘There’s hot chocolate and some pasta on the table. Finish it, I don’t trust those arseholes to have fed you before they threw you out on the street, so don’t give me any bollocks about not being hungry.’
‘I’m fucking starving,’ Louis agreed, sitting down at the tiny table in the corner.
Seth disappeared while Louis was eating, and came back a little while later, just as Louis was finishing the last mouthfuls of cheesy penne and broccoli and mushroom. He paused with his fork halfway to his mouth, though, when Seth sucked in a breath and stopped right in the doorway.
‘Oh,’ Seth said, staring at him.
Louis put the food in his mouth.
Seth came and sat down opposite him.
‘You didn’t say,’ Seth said.
Louis looked at him over the rim of his mug. The dregs of his hot chocolate were only lukewarm, but he drank them anyway.
‘Is that why?’ Seth asked, his brows beetling with anger. ‘They kicked you out because they found out?’
Louis put the mug down carefully and nodded. He looked down at his empty bowl.
‘Sorry,’ he said quietly.
‘What the fuck? What are you sorry for?’
‘I didn’t say.’
Seth scoffed. ‘So what? Like that makes a difference. What, you think I would’ve said you couldn’t come if I knew?’
Louis picked up a remaining morsel of mushroom with his fork and didn’t answer. Seth hissed through his teeth.
‘Well, I’m not them. I’m not—Jesus, they—Fuck. Ugh, I’m going to kill those people.’
‘Not like I wanted to stay with them forever, anyway,’ Louis muttered. ‘’S’fine.’
‘It’s not fucking fine, they kicked you out for presenting, something you literally cannot control—So fucking illegal, we’re going to call CPS in the morning and make an official complaint, they shouldn’t be allowed to be responsible for any other children, ever. Not that they even were, since they were making you do all the work! Fuck, I hate them so much.’
Louis smiled to himself without quite meaning to.
‘Come on. You must be fucking exhausted, go to bed, I’ll do the dishes in the morning,’ Seth said, snatching up crockery from in front of Louis and heading for the sink.
‘Okay,’ Louis said, getting carefully to his feet. He glanced at the kitchen doorway. ‘Uh… Couch?’
Seth turned back with empty hands to look at him flatly. ‘Don’t be stupid. My bed. We’re sharing, I don’t want to scare the shit out of Eric in the morning. Also, I don’t have any spare blankets, and you’re probably basically hypothermic anyway after all that, so we should huddle for warmth or something. Buzz off, I’ll make a hot water bottle.’
Louis did as he was told.
Seth’s room was small, like the rest of the flat, though the ceilings were very high. There wasn’t much in it, just a double bed with dark green linens, a wardrobe, an Ikea bookshelf groaning under the weight of textbooks, and a tiny desk by the window. The bedside lamps were fixed to the wall, with funny yellowing glass lampshades and little chain pull-switches underneath, and the single bedside table was a plastic crate turned on its side, also weighed down and stacked high with books.
Slipping under the covers, Louis curled up and tucked his face into the squishy pillow. There was only one set, a two-stack, and they smelled like Seth. Peppermint shampoo, a cologne Louis didn’t know the name of, and… something else, which had to be Seth’s real scent. Just him.
He startled back awake at the sound of Seth coming into the room, Louis squinting at him under his eyelashes. Seth was drying his hair carefully with a towel, dressed in nothing but low-slung sweats, and the expanse of milky, freckled skin, rust coloured body hair, and lean muscle was dizzying. Louis closed his eyes again in a hurry.
The mattress dipped after another minute, and the covers rustled. Seth clattered around with something on the bedside table, and then the light clicked off.
‘You’re hogging the pillows,’ Seth murmured.
‘Sorry.’ Louis shifted reflexively, so far back his head fell off the edge and bounced on the mattress. Seth snorted.
‘Don’t be stupid. Come here,’ Seth said, and a cool hand curled around Louis’s shoulder, tugging him in.
‘You smell good,’ Louis blurted, because it was true. Seth was close, and warm, and mostly naked, and he smelled like something Louis didn’t have a name for. Honey and musk and something greener, deeper.
Seth huffed a silent laugh as he wrapped his arm around Louis and pulled them chest to chest.
‘Of course I do,’ he murmured. ‘I’m omega, you’re alpha. You’re genetically coded to find my scent appealing.’
Louis wrinkled his nose, squinting at Seth’s face in the dark. ‘You kissed me before,’ he said quietly.
Seth was very quiet for a few moments.
‘It was a stupid impulse,’ Seth said finally, voice a little rough. ‘I shouldn’t have. You’re too young for me anyway, and you were fifteen, for fuck’s sake, that’s child abuse. I don’t—’
Louis leant in and silenced him with a soft kiss. Seth made a noise against his mouth, surprised and then exasperated and then… something else. Something warm.
‘Do I smell good to you, too?’ Louis whispered against Seth’s soft lips, breathing his breath.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ Seth whispered back. ‘Yes, of course you do. You smell fucking incredible. And horny, you little shit.’
‘You’re two years older than me, you’re not thirty.’
‘Still wiser,’ Seth countered, but he was already kissing back as Louis tilted his head to fit their mouths together again.
They didn’t stop kissing, even though Louis was so tired his bones ached. It didn’t matter.
‘Fuck,’ Seth muttered when Louis slid a hand under the waistband of his sweats. His back arched a little and he nuzzled closer to Louis, kissed the corner of his mouth, his jaw. ‘Wasn’t why I said you should sleep here. We don’t have to.’
Louis scoffed under his breath, breath stuttering ever so slightly as he curled his fingers around the flesh of one warm, yielding arsecheek. Holy fuck.
‘Mm.’ Seth groaned softly. ‘Fuck. Hold on. Are you a virgin?’
Louis leant his head back on the pillow to give him a look. ‘No. Are you?’
Seth snorted, rolling his eyes violently. ‘Obviously not. I’ve been here five months, I’ve visited every gay bar in a hundred mile radius.’
Louis’s fingers clenched, and Seth made a low noise and rolled his hips a little, his thigh pressing tantalisingly against Louis’s hip.
‘Can I fuck you?’ Louis asked hoarsely, adrenaline crackling.
Seth laughed under his breath. ‘Jesus. Yeah. Okay.’
In a flurry of motion, Seth shoved Louis onto his back, kicked his sweats onto the floor, and slid on top of Louis under the covers. Louis’s breath caught, his hips stuttering upwards as Seth reached down and yanked his pyjama bottoms down enough to pull his cock out, and then they were touching, skin to skin. Cock to cock. Louis panted raggedly, hands searching for some kind of safe harbour on the endless swaths of bare flesh.
‘You want to?’ Seth whispered against Louis’s mouth. ‘Wanna be inside me?’
‘Yes,’ Louis choked.
Seth grabbed Louis’s wandering hand and shoved it between his legs, guiding it to the place where he was warmest. He pushed Louis’s first two fingers in alongside his own, and Louis nearly inhaled his own tongue.
Wet hot slick soft more more more-
‘Feel that?’ Seth whispered. ‘’S’cause you smell so good. I’m so fucking into you, it’s fucked up. God.’
Louis laughed a bit raggedly. ‘Shit. Yeah. Uh—Do we- Should we—Y’know—Condom?’
‘Don’t need it, I’m on the pill,’ Seth said impatiently. ‘C’mon, just—’
He lifted himself up, balancing on his knees and one hand as he grabbed Louis’s cock and pressed it against his sopping hole. Louis’s hands scrabbled at Seth’s hips as he sank down.
‘Nn.’ Louis clamped his mouth shut, and his eyes as well. Safer to not look, not even see Seth’s hazy outline in the dark.
‘Ohfuck,’ Seth breathed against Louis’s lips, brushing clumsy kisses as he settled himself down, talking Louis to the root. ‘You’re—Fuck. Big.’
‘Is it okay?’ Louis’s voice came out very thin. ‘Don’t—wanna hurt—’
‘It’s fine, oh my god, you little martyr, it’s amazing. I love cock, are you stupid? It’s just been—a little while. And you’re—Fuck. Bigger. I think. But it fits. It’s so good. Feels like you were made for me.’ Seth laughed breathlessly, very quiet. ‘Fuck. Those scumbag morons who kicked you out don’t know fucking anything, sweetheart. You’re perfect, just the way you are.’
Louis laughed raggedly too, gripping Seth’s shoulders like a vice and lunging up to kiss him. They giggled into each other’s mouths, and then Seth moved his hips, rocked forwards so Louis slid out a little bit and then back to take him in again, and Louis whimpered and sank back into the pillows.
‘God, you’re so good,’ Seth moaned softly, hanging his head as he leant on his elbows and fucked himself slowly onto Louis’s cock.
Louis concentrated on breathing and not coming.
It wasn’t that he’d lied. He’d exchanged blowjobs with another guy from school in the woods a few months ago, just after his birthday, and they’d done handjobs a few times before that as well, so strictly speaking, he was pretty sure virginity was out of the window. But. Well.
It would’ve always been different with Seth, regardless.
Seth was moving faster, rougher, slamming himself down onto Louis’s dick so hard the slapslapslap of it echoed off the high ceiling, even from under the covers. Louis panted like a dog, clutching Seth’s biceps, fingers not quite meeting around the muscle.
‘Wait,’ Louis groaned quietly, as Seth hitched himself up.
‘You okay?’ Seth said breathlessly, slowing, resting a hand on Louis’s chest. Louis could feel every long finger, even through his pyjama top.
‘Yeah.’ Louis caught his breath, and then caught Seth around the hips. ‘Just—’
It was stupid, probably, but he was still quite pleased with himself for managing to roll them over without even pulling out. Seth yelped, clutching at him, but he was already laughing as Louis hovered over him, cradled between Seth’s thighs.
‘This okay?’ Louis asked breathlessly.
‘Give me a pillow and it will be,’ Seth snickered at him. Louis did.
‘Can I—?’ Louis asked.
‘God yes, fuck me hard, wanna feel it,’ Seth groaned.
Louis gritted his teeth and gripped Seth’s thighs and took him as fast and hard as his trembling body was able.
They both felt it when Louis popped. Seth gasped like he’d been wounded, and Louis shuddered through the headrush.
‘Fuck—I’m gonna—’
‘Oh my god,’ Seth whispered shakily.
‘Should—? I can—’
‘No, yes, I want—Wait—’
A few moments of frantic renegotiation later, Louis curled over Seth’s back and eased inside of him again, listening to Seth’s whiny little breaths as he got deeper and deeper. His knot was filling up too fast, so fast he was light-headed as all the blood got pulled south—Or maybe it was just the pleasure. But it was worth it.
Seth squirmed and moaned and rocked back on his knees to try and take the last of it, grabbing his own arsecheeks to spread himself wider. The room was deep dark and they were under the covers, and Louis hoped like fuck he’d get to do this again, because never getting to see that for himself would haunt him forever.
The widest part of Louis’s still-thickening knot slipped inside with an obscene sort of pop. Louis dropped his head to rest between Seth’s shoulder blades. He didn’t try to pull out again. That was definitely the limit.
His orgasm was wrung out of him in the thundering seconds that followed, with the inevitable crushing weight of a truck backing slowly over a cardboard box. Louis panted and clung to Seth’s warm, sweat-damp body.
Seth whimpered, fisting the pillow around his head and moaning softly.
‘Okay?’ Louis whispered hoarsely.
Seth made another desperate little noise. His hips kept twitching, hole fluttering where it had Louis locked impossibly deep inside.
Louis shivered and ran his hands up and down Seth’s heaving flanks.
‘’Can feel you coming,’ Seth whispered into the still dark.
Louis felt his cock twitch inside Seth at the words, and Seth moaned in answer.
‘You… Should I…?’ Louis trailed off, and Seth laughed raggedly.
A hand groped around for Louis’s under the covers, catching it and guiding it between his spread thighs. Louis’s breathing hitched as his fingers curled around Seth’s cock—Already wet, sticky warmth smeared across Seth’s belly and cooling quickly on the sheets below him.
‘Oh,’ Louis breathed.
‘Mmhm.’
They stayed like that until they couldn’t, and then shuffled gingerly onto their sides. Seth whined like it hurt when they moved, and Louis tried wordlessly to soothe him, stroking his hip and kissing his neck and nuzzling the hinge of his jaw. Seth’s scent was still heavy and thick with something incredible, though. He laced his fingers through Louis’s and rested them over his belly. Louis lay and felt Seth breathe in his arms.
‘Feels weird,’ Seth whispered.
Louis swallowed. ‘Sorry,’ he whispered back.
Seth gave a slightly inelegant snort. ‘Not bad weird, idiot. Just—’ He broke off.
For a few quiet moments, Louis rested his nose in the curve of Seth’s shoulder.
‘Have you never, uh… done this?’ Louis asked quietly.
Seth clenched around him, and his fingers squeezed around Louis’s, too. ‘No,’ he admitted, barely a breath.
‘Oh.’
Louis’s eyes had grown more or less accustomed to the dark, but the blinds over the window were heavy, only a sliver of pale light from a streetlamp creeping in around the edge. He watched it move ever so slightly, tree-shadows dancing across the narrow strip of window frame.
‘It’s good,’ Seth whispered.
‘Yeah.’
Seth’s fingers tightened over Louis’s, and he squeezed back. Seth’s stomach fluttered under his palm with a shivery breath.
‘We’ll phone people in the morning,’ Seth said quietly. ‘But it might take a while to get everything sorted out. So. You’re staying here, until you can get your own place.’
Louis nodded against the back of Seth’s neck.
‘I’m not letting you go back to that shithole, even if CPS are insane enough to try and make you,’ Seth added darkly. ‘You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to anymore. There’s lots of people we can get involved if we have to.’
‘Okay.’
‘You deserve better.’
Louis squeezed his eyes shut, pressed his mouth to the knob of bone at the top of Seth’s spine, and breathed.
December - four months ago
‘Hello, hello, hello,’ Seth said, punctuating each greeting with a smiling kiss—one for Louis, one for Taylor, one on the top of Jasmine’s head. ‘Hi. Sorry I’m late. You’re all the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen, I really needed this.’ He sank into his chair beside Taylor with a sigh.
Taylor beamed at him, slipping an arm around Seth’s waist and resting his chin on Seth’s shoulder. ‘You’re a sight for sore eyes, yourself.’ He kissed Seth’s cheek. ‘How’s work?’
Seth sighed, leaning into him. ‘Fine. Exhausting. Mentally draining. Occasionally enraging. The usual. Let’s talk about something else, tell me how you three spent the morning.’
Taylor hummed in amusement, catching Louis’s eye across the table. ‘Well, we had an incident after breakfast that resulted in an early bathtime. But other than that, smooth sailing.’
‘Incident?’ Seth arched an eyebrow, unbuttoning his cuffs so he could roll them up to his elbows.
‘Tell you when we’re not about to have lunch,’ Louis said dryly. ‘We went to the park after.’
‘Mmhm!’ Taylor sat up straight again in his excitement, reaching for his phone. ‘Oh my god, did you see the photos I took?’
‘I was looking on my way here,’ Seth smiled.
‘Well look again, Louis is too dry, I have to have someone to squeal with,’ Taylor said, giving Louis a dismissive flick of the fingers.
Louis chuckled, catching the crayon that Jasmine accidentally knocked off the edge of her high chair’s tray before it could hit the ground. ‘Carefully does it,’ he murmured to her idly, not that she was paying attention. Her focus was all on the scribbles of brown crayon she was spreading with artistic flair all across Elsa and Anna’s faces. Clearly already a taste-maker.
They’d ordered ahead once Seth had confirmed he’d left the office, so they didn’t have to wait long. Taylor insisted on calling it brunch, despite all of them having had breakfast at the usual time and the meal being distinctly post-noon. Apparently it was a vibes-based definition, not a technical one. Seth bowed to Taylor’s superior expertise, and Louis kept to himself the opinion that one could eat french toast at any time of the day if so inclined, regardless.
Jasmine ate like a queen, as usual, if a messy one, tearing apart her own piece of french toast and smearing berry juice all over her face as she enthusiastically worked her way through Taylor’s offerings. She munched on a small piece of Louis’s burger, too, although quite a bit of it ended up crumbled beyond recognition, and enjoyed the cherry tomatoes and cucumber slices from Seth’s steak salad.
Their waitress kept coming back over, ostensibly to check on them, but it was pretty obvious she was mostly there to be dazzled by Jasmine. Not that anyone blamed her.
After he’d finished with his salad, Seth swabbed Jasmine down with a baby wipe and shifted her to his lap, and they chattered to one another while Louis and Taylor polished off the rest of the food. Seth’s voice was low and tender when he talked to her, nodding along very seriously to her half-formed babble and ma ma mas.
Taylor stacked the plates skillfully when they were done, telling them a story about his little brother’s flatmate woes as he arranged the cutlery so it wouldn’t spill. Then he wrinkled his nose, almost in unison with Seth.
‘Uh-oh,’ Taylor said dryly as Seth sighed. ‘I’ll take her, I need to use the potty myself.’
‘You sure?’ Louis checked.
Taylor was already scooting himself out past Seth, and he laughed as he plucked Jasmine out of Seth’s arms. ‘You took the bullet last time, and Mama’s back on the clock any minute, don’t want to send him back to the office with anything untoward on his tie. Be back in five.’
Seth made a face and Louis huffed, handing Taylor the nappy bag. Taylor disappeared towards the café bathrooms.
‘That leaves me with the bill, I suppose,’ Seth said dryly, reaching for his wallet.
Louis snorted, and Seth winked at him as he got up gracefully and headed for the till.
Glancing out of the window, Louis watched the the dead leaves gusting along the gutter with the pigeons. Christmas lights were twinkling in the shopfronts across the road.
He finished the dregs of his coffee and looked over at Seth. Straight backed, taller somehow in his subtle pinstripes and the sharp cut of his tailored suit, talking politely with the young woman behind the till. As Louis watched, Seth threw his head back and laughed.
He wasn’t the only observer, he noticed after a moment. There was another guy hovering a few steps back, still bundled in his winter coat and scarf like he’d just come in from outside. He was smiling a bit as he admired Seth, from behind and a little to the left.
Louis sat back in his chair, lacing his fingers over his belt buckle, and smiled faintly to himself as he watched the stranger watch Seth.
Seth turned, nearly bumping into the man and stepping aside, apologising. The guy waved it off, said something Louis couldn’t hear—a question, apparently, from the way Seth paused to answer. They exchanged a few more words, and Seth laughed. The stranger ducked his head, all smiles, and said something else.
With a familiar wry smile, Seth nodded his head towards Louis and gestured with his left hand.
Lips curled up at the corner, Louis watched Seth make his way back to the table. Seth was fiddling with his suit jacket, tucking his wallet away and redoing a couple of buttons, but when he got closer, he glanced up and caught Louis’s eye, his mouth quirking into a matching smirk.
‘Smug,’ Seth murmured, bending to drop a kiss onto Louis’s waiting smile.
‘Yup,’ Louis agreed.
‘He was very polite,’ Seth added primly, sitting down again to wait for Taylor and Jasmine. ‘He’d noticed the pride sticker in my wallet.’
‘Mm.’ Louis watched the funny, pleased little twitch of Seth’s mouth.
‘You’re such a caveman,’ Seth added, eyes glittering under his rust-red lashes as he smirked at Louis across the table.
Louis smiled and breathed deep; coffee roasting, something cooking from the kitchen, the cool bite of a fresh breeze from the street as the café door opened and closed. Under the table, he hooked an ankle around Seth’s, and Seth smiled out of the window.
Seth’s hand came to rest on the corner of the table, palm up.
Wordlessly, Louis reached out and linked their little fingers together, and Seth gripped back tightly.
December - 17 years and four months ago
‘I Gotta Feeling’ transitioned awkwardly into ‘Hot N Cold’, and Louis made a face into his lager. The girl who’d been talking to him for a while was shouting something else in his ear. Across the room, over the heads of the dancers, he could just about see Seth leaning on the countertop of the open kitchen, talking to the guy who was mixing the drinks.
‘We should dance!’
The words got through, despite the volume of the music, and Louis tossed back the last of his beer and dropped the can into a nearby plant pot.
‘Sorry, can’t,’ Louis muttered, and turned away.
There were more beers in the kitchen, so he skirted the dancefloor to get there.
‘Oh my god!’ he heard Seth laugh as he shuffled through the archway into the kitchen area. ‘That’s insane.’
‘Wanna see something cool?’ bartender bro was saying, with an audible smirk.
Louis grabbed the nearest lager out of the fridge and shouldered the door shut again with a rattle of metal and glass clashing together. He met Seth’s gaze across the sea of bottles on the kitchen kitchen counter. Seth had narrowed his eyes at him.
Cracking open the the pull-tab with a hiss, Louis took a slow sip without tearing his gaze away. Seth’s stare flickered ever so slightly, but stayed in place, even though the guy was doing something complicated with a couple of cocktail glasses and a bottle of tequila.
Unhurried, Louis slipped back out of the kitchen and circled to where Seth was standing. Seth kept eyeing him sidelong, but he didn’t even twitch when Louis slid an arm around his waist.
Louis propped his chin on Seth’s shoulder, still cradling his beer, and watched the barman showing off his needlessly convoluted drink-mixing technique.
‘Go away,’ Seth murmured, barely audible over the strains of Kelly Clarkson.
‘Why?’ Louis murmured back.
‘I’m trying to get laid, you cock.’
Louis huffed and sipped his beer.
The guy finished his business with a flourish and handed the concoction to Seth. Apparently he noticed Louis at that point, several seconds late, because his expression soured instantly.
‘Wow, thank you!’ Seth trilled. Louis wrinkled his nose and watched Seth taste the thing. The corner of Seth’s mouth went very flat. Not surprising. He fucking hated tequila.
‘Hey.’ The guy was watching Louis with an unfriendly eye. ‘Can I get you something?’
Louis gestured idly with his beer. ‘M’good.’
Seth rolled his eyes, sliding the presumably disgusting cocktail away subtly without a second glance. ‘Louis, this is Jonathan. Jon, this is Louis, a friend of my little sister’s. Are you even old enough to drink, you little shit?’
‘Close enough,’ Louis said. He didn’t say, I turned eighteen last month, which you know because you were the only one who remembered, and you made me a very shitty cake. He also didn’t say, You brought me to this shite party in the first place, you didn’t seem too worried about my age then. Nor even, Didn’t seem too worried about it when you were jumping on my dick last week, either.
Bar-guy relaxed, though, laughing across Louis’s answer, and started in on some deeply uninteresting story about something or other—a gap year in Brazil, maybe? Who gave a fuck, frankly. He sounded like an arsehole.
Louis emptied his beer in a few long draughts and set the can on the counter, and then slid his hand into the back pocket of Seth’s jeans. Seth straightened a fraction, but he didn’t move away, just giving Louis a look from the corner of his eye.
Since he wasn’t being brushed off, Louis rested his chin on Seth’s shoulder again, nuzzling into Seth’s gelled-back hair. He smelt like the chemical bite of the gel, his shampoo, his deodorant. None of the warm, musky layers of his own raw scent, like the last time Louis had woken up in Seth’s bed. He’d smelled so sweet and comfortable then, half asleep as they murmured to one another and laughed across the pillows.
‘Why’re you wasting your time on this twat?’ Louis murmured against Seth’s ear. ‘He sounds like a fuckin’ accountant, and he looks like knockoff nineties Justin Timberlake.’
Seth muffled a snort. ‘Shut up,’ he hissed, shoving Louis lightly with an elbow. Louis could see the corner of his mouth curling up, even though Seth was still pretending to listen to the guy.
Rolling his eyes wordlessly, Louis buried his nose in Seth’s neck. He breathed deeply, searching for any trace of that undercurrent of smokey, burnt-sugar joy. Seth’s blockers were alright, but he’d been sweating a bit, they’d danced together when they’d got here earlier—Louis could just catch a hint.
With his eyes closed, he leant his forehead into the soft little place behind Seth’s ear, mouth pressed lightly to his warm skin.
Somewhere in the background, the incessant, irritating buzz of the aspiring bartender’s story slowly faded out. Louis smiled against Seth’s shoulder.
In his arms, Seth made an exasperated noise and elbowed him again, and then Louis had to detach himself, because Seth was spinning around to scowl at him.
‘Fucking seriously?’ Seth grumbled, hands on his hips. ‘You are such a fucking child.’
Louis blinked at him and glanced over his shoulder. They’d been ditched, apparently. The kitchen was empty.
‘What?’ Louis said, shrugging and sliding his hands into his pockets.
‘Ugh.’ Seth rolled his eyes and grabbed Louis’s arm. ‘I don’t think you could be less subtle if you fucking walked up and pissed on my leg to mark your territory, Alpha. C’mon, if you’re not going to let me get fucked tonight, you’d better do it yourself.’
Hiding his grin, Louis followed silently; but he turned his hand around so he could twine their fingers together.
Upstairs, they skipped past a couple of locked doors and ended up in a small bathroom, with only a little shower cubicle, a toilet, and a sink. Seth muttered a complaint but ignored Louis’s offer to keep searching, yanking him inside and flipping the latch.
‘You’re such a brat,’ Seth hissed, already fumbling with Louis’s fly. ‘I’m not your fucking property, Alpha. You fuck who you want, I fuck who I want—You’re not my fucking keeper. We’re not dating. I don’t date children, remember?’
Louis shrugged, letting Seth yank his jeans far enough down his thighs to grab his cock. Louis’s head thunked back against the bathroom door with a heavy breath as Seth’s fingers curled around him.
‘If you want my attention that badly, you can just ask nicely, you know,’ Seth growled darkly, pressing his body to Louis’s and nipping meanly at his jaw. ‘You don’t have to throw a public tantrum like that. Next time, why don’t you save us all some embarrassment and just send me a dick pic, that would’ve been far less indecent than whatever that was.’
Louis snorted under his breath and grabbed Seth by the arse, sliding his hands into Seth’s back pockets. He nosed at Seth’s ear, biting at it softly, and Seth moaned breathily and ground against his thigh.
‘Relax,’ Louis murmured, kissing Seth’s neck. ‘Gonna fuck you now.’
Seth started to scoff, and then yelped as Louis spun him around and shoved him up against the sink. He was already complaining about the porcelain not being clean as Louis made quick work of Seth’s jeans and yanked his sleek black underwear down under the curve of his arse. Louis’s fingers shut Seth up, though, as he pressed two inside Seth’s hole and spread them, letting a flood of slick trickle out between his knuckles and soak Seth’s pale skin.
‘Oh fuck,’ Seth groaned, grinding back against Louis’s palm.
‘Mm.’ Louis stroked slick over his own cock and then pushed into Seth without waiting.
Seth was more than ready. Felt like he’d been fucked already, how soft he was inside. If Louis hadn’t arrived with him, been watching him all evening, he would’ve spent the rest of the night obsessing over that.
‘Ohh fuck, Lou—’ Seth groaned, scrabbling for purchase at the edges of the sink and knocking a bottle of hand soap onto the floor with a clatter. ‘Fuck fuck fuck—’
‘’Kay,’ Louis said, gripping Seth’s hips and rocking into him, deep.
When he raised his head a fraction, stopped staring at the place his cock was sinking into Seth’s warm body, he found himself watching their reflections in the mirror over the sink instead. Seth’s eyes were closed, rust-red lashes fluttering against his flushed, freckle-dotted cheeks. And there was Louis, dark and dim in comparison, with none of Seth’s ethereal shimmer, watching him with a kind of consuming greed that made his muddy hazel eyes seem emerald green.
‘Lou, god, yes, don’t stop,’ Seth whimpered, arching his back into Louis’s thrusts.
Louis fucked him until Seth was sobbing and clinging desperately to the sink, until Seth choked out a wail and his orgasm splattered onto the tacky yellow vanity cabinet below. And then Louis pulled out and shoved Seth’s shirt up his back and finished himself off with a handful of rough strokes, spilling messily across Seth’s freckled skin.
The bathroom echoed with their ragged, panting breaths. Seth hung his head between his shoulders. Under Louis’s fingertips, settled in the delicate crease between Seth’s hip and thigh, he could feel Seth’s rabbiting pulse.
‘Did you seriously just fucking come all over me?’ Seth growled hoarsely.
Louis rubbed the tip of his cock, still sticky, through a patch of his own congealing come that was forming a slow trickle down the inner curve of Seth’s arsecheek.
‘Yeah,’ he said.
‘I’m going to fucking kill you.’
‘Didn’t have a condom,’ Louis pointed out. ‘Figured you wouldn’t wanna have it coming out of you for hours.’
‘I also don’t want to stink like a fucking brothel all night,’ Seth hissed, glaring back at Louis over his shoulder. ‘Now I have to fucking shower, you little prick.’
Louis shrugged, reaching for a roll of toilet paper off the back of the loo.
‘You possessive fuck,’ Seth said, very low and dangerous, watching in the mirror as Louis gently cleaned him up.
Louis tossed some crumpled loo roll into the toilet bowl and gently tucked Seth back into his clothes. Before he pulled Seth’s shirt down, though, he bent and pressed a kiss to the small of Seth’s back. His skin was flushed warm and smelled like his body wash, and the musk of his arousal from his half-covered scent glands, and like Louis.
When Seth straightened up, he fussed over his clothes for a minute, washed his hands, tidied his hair, and only then turned and gave Louis his most unimpressed look.
‘I can’t fucking believe I keep shagging you,’ Seth said acidly, folding his arms over his chest. ‘You’re so childish, it’s actually unbearable.’
Louis leant on the edge of the sink, caging him in, and kissed Seth’s mouth very softly. Seth breathed out sharply through his nose, but he kissed back.
‘Wanna go?’ Louis whispered. ‘Can grab a Chinese on the way home. You can shower. I’ll suck you off in the morning.’
Seth huffed irritably. ‘If anyone fucking smells your spunk on me before we manage to get out the door, you are going to owe me so many fucking blowjobs you’ll be on your knees for the rest of your life,’ he snipped back, but he leant in for another kiss when Louis tilted his head.
‘Many as you want,’ Louis promised, as Seth grudgingly wound his arms around Louis’s neck. ‘Long as you want. All yours.’
January - three months ago
Strapped into her car seat, Jasmine was giggling and gnawing on her toy of the hour—a little truck that was small enough to be grasped in one tiny fist—as Taylor narrated his struggles to extract the tupperware of grapes from the damn nappy bag to the singsong tune of a slightly off-key nursery rhyme. From the front seat, Louis checked his phone again, still smiling.
< OMW
Seth’s message arrived just as Louis was about to set it aside again. He pressed the little thumbs up reaction and put it back on the dash.
‘Here you go, jaanu,’ Taylor hummed, popping the lid off the tub and picking out a couple of grapes to pop into Jasmine’s hand. ‘Take the edge off, we’ll be home soon. Nearly time for dinner.’
Louis watched Seth appear out of the clinic doors, in the process of wrapping his scarf around his neck. His breath misted as he turned his head to look for the car, and then he headed towards them, shoulders hunched against the cold.
‘Hi,’ Seth said as he slid into the passenger seat, leaning across the handbrake to kiss Louis briefly. Taylor leant between the seats expectantly for his own kiss, and Seth laughed and gave it to him, peeping back at Jasmine in the carseat behind him with a warm smile. ‘Hello, angel. Did you have a nice time at the shops?’
Jasmine shrieked happily, a little preoccupied with chewing on a grape.
‘We looked at Lego and discussed choking hazards,’ Taylor said wryly. ‘And tested the cuddlability of several gigantic stuffed animals that I was a little afraid of.’
‘We’ve just done Christmas and birthdays,’ Seth groaned, laughing and belting himself in as Louis started the car. ‘Please, don’t start anything we can’t finish for another year.’
‘It was for science!’ Taylor protested, laughing too. ‘It worked out well. We confirmed our hypotheses that Pineapple is the superior soft toy, none of the ones there were even close to as cute. And Lego was mostly a bust, so we don’t have to worry about that yet, although we did spend a little while trying to say dog at one of the boxes.’
‘We got as far as ‘duh’,’ Louis added, smiling wryly and shifting gears.
‘Amazing!’ Seth tried to lean around his chair again, somewhat handicapped by the seatbelt. ‘Did you see a dog, Jasmine? Dog?’
‘Mama!’ Jasmine giggled, kicking her feet. Her legs weren’t long enough to bump the back of the seat just yet. Seth huffed and settled back as Louis pulled out of the car park.
‘So?’ Louis asked quietly as Seth fiddled with the heating controls. ‘How’s everything looking?’
Seth’s mouth pursed into an unhappy line as he frowned out at the road ahead of them.
‘Fine,’ he said shortly. ‘She’s happy with how I’ve been doing, my health’s good. She said we can start preparing if we’re ready. But she wants me to have my heat first.’
Louis’s eyes flickered sideways to Seth’s face, searching briefly. ‘Okay.’
Seth scoffed and folded his arms, sitting back in his seat. ‘Apparently even if it’s completely useless to me, I still have to have one every two years, and we’re counting the time I was pregnant and in recovery in that calculation, even though you’d think that wouldn’t matter since I wasn’t on suppressants for all that.’
‘I guess it makes sense,’ Taylor put in, leaning an arm on the back of Louis’s seat to talk to them. ‘It resets your hormones, brings your body back to your normal rhythm.’
Seth sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair and resting his cheek against the headrest so he could meet Taylor’s gaze. ‘I know, I know,’ he said, a little bit of a whine. ‘I just—God, it’s so annoying, I thought we might be able to skip it this time, since it doesn’t do anything for me, it’s not like I’m popping out any eggs in the process.’ Seth made a face. ‘It’s just a pain in the arse to schedule, especially now, with Jasmine. God, I can’t even imagine how frustrating it’ll be to fit in once we have two.’
‘It won’t be so bad, probably,’ Taylor said, shrugging. ‘She’ll be a little older then, so it won’t be two tinies. I’m sure we’ll manage.’
Seth grumbled under his breath and looked at the road again.
‘Hey, why don’t I take her for a few days?’ Taylor offered, brightening. ‘We could have our first sleepover! When are you thinking of fitting it in? If it’s over the weekend, Dev might be able to come down, he’d be so excited to get some more Jasmine time.’
‘No,’ Seth said shortly. ‘I mean, of course, Dev’s welcome, but—I’m not sending my daughter away for a damn biological function. We don’t need that. Thank you. We can manage. If I can’t take care of her around the bloody thing, then my f—egghead parents are right and I don’t deserve to be her mother.’
Jasmine squealed in the back seat, throwing her toy car on the floor.
‘Oh, careful, baby, don’t drop it,’ Taylor said quickly, disappearing into the footwell to get it.
Louis braked to a stop at a pedestrian crossing and flicked his gaze sideways to catch Seth’s eye. Seth was frowning, lips twisted into something pained. He took a quick, shuddery breath at Louis’s look.
Louis focused on the road again, pulling away as the woman with a pram turned onto the other pavement.
‘If you wanted to come over and spend some time with her while we’re… busy, she’d love that,’ Louis said, as Taylor fussed over the sticky toy with a baby-wipe. ‘And you can have her for a sleepover any time. We can work out a date if you want.’
‘Oh—’ Taylor started.
‘Yes, of course,’ Seth cut in quickly, sighing and rubbing his hands down his face. ‘Shit. Shoot. I’m sorry. That sounded horrible, I didn’t—That wasn’t what I meant.’
‘No, it’s fine,’ Taylor said quickly, smiling at them in the rear-view mirror. ‘Really. I mean, yes, I’d love that, but I wasn’t offended. It was just an idea.’
‘Sorry.’ Seth looked for him again, and reached out and caught Taylor’s hand. Taylor smiled at him. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.’
Taylor kissed Seth’s knuckles. ‘I forgive you.’
With a sigh, Seth shuffled in his seat and smoothed a few wrinkles out of his slacks. ‘God. I don’t know. I wanted to get things started as quickly as possible, now we’re sure, but—I’ll have to talk to Joel and Susanne, if I need to take heat leave.’ He groaned quietly. ‘It’ll probably run long, too, because it’s my first one in a while. I might need to take the whole week off, in case. I’ll be a nightmare to work with in the run-up anyway. Ugh.’
‘You’ve still got holiday to use up,’ Louis pointed out.
‘I know. It’s just not a good time, we’re just wrapping up discovery for the Lucerne case.’
‘They can’t ask you to postpone it if your doctor’s insisting, though,’ Taylor put in, frowning.
‘No, no, of course not. It’s just a pain.’ Seth grimaced.
There was pensive silence for a little while. Jasmine burbled to herself, still munching on a grape, and Louis watched the road.
‘Grape?’ Taylor offered, poking the tupperware between the seats.
Seth huffed and took one, popping it in his mouth. Louis smiled, and turned his head a little so Taylor could feed him one. He met Seth’s gaze again as he pulled to a halt at the traffic light. He watched Seth swallow, and Seth’s grey-blue eyes turn from stormy anxiety into something calmer, steadier, as he gazed back.
Seth turned to look at Taylor again, gripping the back of Louis’s seat as they pulled away from the junction.
‘Would you come?’ Seth asked.
Taylor looked up from putting the empty tupperware away. ‘Hm?’
‘For—for my heat. If you’d like to. You could come and stay.’
Taylor took a sharp, surprised breath. ‘You mean—For childcare, or—?’
‘For the whole thing.’ Seth patted Louis’s seatback distractedly; Louis could see Seth’s thighs flexing as he crossed and uncrossed his ankles under the dash. ‘If you wanted. You don’t have to. But I’d—It would—If you’d be comfortable with it, it would be…’
‘Baby, oh my god.’ Taylor put his hand on Seth’s shoulder, giving him an urgent squeeze. ‘That’s—Wow. I mean—You don’t have to invite me, just because. I am so not expecting it, I mean, I had my last one solo too, it’s not—We haven’t even been together that long. I promise, I’m not going to feel left out if you’re not ready for that.’
‘We’d been seeing each other for less than six months when you had yours last,’ Seth said firmly. ‘That was a totally appropriate decision, we were all still testing the waters, but two years is more than enough to get to know you, as far as I’m concerned. And half of that we’ve been co-parenting. You’ve been staying over with us four nights a week nearly since Jasmine was born, which is a year ago now. My heat isn’t that different. I’ll just be even more of a hormonal mess than usual for a few days.’
‘You were with us for my rut,’ Louis added quietly, gaze fixed on the car indicating in front of them. ‘It was good.’
‘I mean…’ Taylor laughed a little sheepishly, ruffling his wavy hair. ‘Okay. Yes. You’ve convinced me. I would fu—absolutely love to join you, if you’re sure. But—Yeah. It’s not expected. Is all.’
‘I want you there,’ Seth said firmly.
Louis nodded, and Taylor breathed out shakily, smiling at them in the mirror again.
‘It’ll be easier with Jasmine, with the three of us,’ Louis added, turning onto the little street that led up to their house. ‘We can take turns taking care of Seth, and one of us’ll be available to play with her during the day, or take any unplanned wakeups. Keep both of them happy and relaxed.’
Seth huffed as Taylor laughed. ‘Oh, I’m in the same boat as our infant daughter, am I?’ Seth grumbled, but he was smiling a bit. ‘I don’t plan on being completely useless, thanks, I’ll still be doing my share.’
Taylor rested his chin on the back of Louis’s seat, still chuckling. ‘Of course you will, baby. You’ll be great. But I’m honestly so excited to help out, it’ll be fun. I can give you a massage! We can do a mini spa setup, luxe bathtime and face masks—Ooh, I’ll get some of Henry’s sexy sugar scrub.’
Seth laughed too, resting his head back and looking over at Taylor and Louis with a fond smile. Louis glanced back, smiling softly, and nodded.
May - 16 years and eleven months ago
Louis grabbed the shopping bags out of the front seat of his beat up old Suzuki, scrabbled for his keys, and fumbled his way out of the car. It was raining lightly, soaking the shoulders of his hoodie and sticking his hair to his scalp.
His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he grabbed for it as he got under the shelter of the awning at the front of the grey concrete block of flats.
< Are you coming?
He hit the buzzer instead of answering. After about a minute, he hit it again. Finally, the intercom crackled.
‘It’s me,’ he said.
The door unlocked with an electronic clunk, and he shouldered his way inside. The bang of it closing automatically behind him echoed down the sterile entryway.
Seth’s flat was on the fourth floor, so Louis took the lift, though by the time the doors creaked open in front of him, the stairs would possibly have felt faster. He shifted around in his trainers as he waited for the little metal box to carry him upwards, the mechanism thumping and rattling all the way.
Louis rapped on Seth’s front door with the back of his knuckles, shopping bag thudding against the timber in the process. After a couple of seconds, the latch rattled and the door opened.
‘Why did you take so long?’ Seth snapped, glaring at him from reddened eyes. His hair was a mess, and his face was flushed, and he hadn’t put a shirt on.
Louis slipped inside and kicked the door shut behind him, listening as he headed into the little kitchenette and not relaxing until he heard Seth finish locking up.
‘Jimmy stole my fuckin’ keys,’ Louis said, putting his bags down on the counter. ‘Again.’
‘I don’t fucking know why you put up with this bullshit, you should report him as a kleptomaniac,’ Seth snapped, coming to hover beside Louis without quite reaching for him. ‘Was he drunk driving?’
‘Nah, just over at Gina’s.’
‘You need to move out. He’s a nightmare.’
Louis shrugged. ‘He’s just a kid.’
‘He’s your age,’ Seth said dryly.
Louis smiled crookedly. ‘Yeah, but.’
Seth huffed. ‘Yes, okay, you’re mister maturity, don’t be smug.’ He frowned at the things Louis was unpacking. ‘What the hell did you get? I asked for Seven-Up and doughnuts.’
Louis pulled out a paper bag and slid it over to him. ‘Here.’
Seth tore the top open and grabbed a custard doughnut with a happy little noise, shoving half of it into his mouth in one. A bit of custard spilt down his chin as he chewed, sugar crystals spraying everywhere, and he smeared it away with his thumb, ducking his head. ‘Thanks,’ he mumbled, and then gestured with his half-doughnut. ‘Doesn’t answer my question.’
Louis shrugged. ‘’S’your heat, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘You need stuff for a few days. More healthy shit, as well, not just sugar and carbs or whatever.’
Seth was silent, just watching as Louis started putting things into the fridge. He took another, much smaller nibble of his doughnut.
Neither of them said anything else as Louis finished organising the kitchen, tossing away the bags, and wiping up the scattering of sugar from the counter.
‘Want dinner?’ Louis asked, washing his hands at the sink. ‘Gonna make you stir fry.’
‘Why?’ Seth asked quietly. He had finished his doughnut, but he was still just standing there.
Louis shrugged, wiping his hands dry on his jeans. He turned and looked up, finally. ‘’Cause.’
Seth blew air through his teeth, looking around, and then stalked closer. Louis straightened up a bit, but Seth just pushed him aside to wash the sugar off his fingers and his face.
‘How did you know?’ Seth asked, voice clipped. ‘That I’m—’ He broke off.
Louis paused, leaning his hip against the counter and looking back through the open kitchen door at the grey wall of the corridor beyond. ‘Just… figured,’ he said carefully. ‘You were… I could smell, sort of. Last time I was over. That you were coming up.’
‘What the fuck do you know? You know nothing about omegas,’ Seth snapped, turning and wiping his wet hands down Louis’s t-shirt. The arsehole.
Louis let him, just shrugged. ‘Been reading.’
Seth rolled his eyes and turned away, opening the fridge roughly and grabbing one of the tepid cans that Louis had just put away. He cracked it open one-handed as he was shoving the fridge closed.
‘You’re such a fucking nerd.’
‘You’re the one doing a degree.’
Seth scoffed into his can of Seven-Up. ‘You’re a stubborn idiot, or you would be too,’ he complained. He glared at Louis over his drink for a few seconds, then finished his sip and set it aside with a decisive clunk. ‘Come here.’
Louis pushed away from the counter and went.
Seth’s hands were in his hair before Louis had reached for him, and Louis tilted his head up hungrily to meet Seth’s mouth.
Lemon-lime and sugar crystals on his tongue.
‘This is my first one,’ Seth whispered, voice a little shaky, as he clutched Louis close and Louis cradled him. ‘I mean—I had one before, before I left home, but—I did it on the drugs, so—I hated it. Felt like I was numb for a week, like I couldn’t fucking think. I don’t want to ever do that again.’
‘’S’okay,’ Louis murmured. ‘I’m gonna be here, I’ll take care of you. Anything you need.’
Seth half laughed, breathy and not quite as disbelieving as he seemed to have meant. ‘Of course you’d say that. You’re a child, you have no idea what you’re talking about.’
Louis shrugged one shoulder loosely, kissing under Seth’s jaw, trailing his lips down Seth’s warm neck. He smelled better than he ever had; thicker, darker. The adrenaline-sex-musk of him was so strong it was stupefying, layered over with bright-sharp anxiety, and something else much more sweet and fragile.
‘Rut’s shit,’ Louis muttered. ‘’S’not that different.’
Seth pulled back to glare at him. ‘When the fuck have you had your rut?’
Louis squinted at him. ‘Last year.’
‘When?’ Seth demanded, fingers digging into Louis’s shoulders. His eyes were wide and glitteringly angry. ‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? Who the fuck were you with?’
Louis huffed. ‘No one,’ he said. ‘It was Christmas. You were at your mum and dad’s.’
Seth’s mouth went very flat for several long seconds, and then he growled and pulled Louis into a biting kiss. ‘If you fucking hide that from me again I’ll kill you,’ he hissed. ‘What the fuck, Lou. I would’ve come home if you’d said.’
Louis just nodded, gently pressing Seth back until he was propped against the counter.
‘What do you need?’ Louis murmured between kisses. ‘’You eat today, or was this the first thing?’ He jerked his head towards the doughnuts.
‘Ugh, I’m fine, I had leftover pizza in the fridge,’ Seth muttered. He nuzzled into Louis’s shoulder—Louis hadn’t bothered to put his blockers on before he left his place, even though he’d had shopping to do. Seth’s breathy little noise of pleasure was more than enough reason to deal with the unfriendly glances of the other shoppers who’d caught a whiff of him.
‘’Kay.’ Louis kissed Seth’s neck. ‘Shower?’
‘No, you smell good,’ Seth murmured huskily. ‘C’mon.’
They stumbled down the corridor to the little bedroom. Seth’s bed was a mess, duvet and sheets in disarray, and the room smelled like sex already. Louis hesitated in the doorway as Seth let go of him, and he watched as Seth bent just enough to push off his sweats and step out of them on his way to the bed.
‘Fucking don’t just stand there,’ Seth snapped, catching sight of Louis as he flopped back onto the crumpled sheets.
Louis yanked his hoodie and t-shirt off over his head in one motion, and shoved his trousers down just as hastily, hopping on one foot to finish freeing himself from his trainers and socks. Seth scoffed at him from his impossibly seductive repose, all long pale limbs and red-gold hair.
‘You sure?’ Louis asked as he peeled down his boxer-briefs, looking up searchingly at Seth’s watchful face.
‘Get over here,’ Seth snapped, reaching for him, and Louis didn’t argue.
Seth was already soaking wet between his thighs when he spread his legs to make room for Louis between them. Louis thumbed his hole, tugging it open wide, and dropped down onto his belly so he could lap and nuzzle between his spread fingers and listen to Seth gasp and beg. Seth wouldn’t let him indulge himself for that long, though, ordering him up on his knees and then rolling over to present all that perfect, milky, freckled skin for Louis to worship, demanding Louis’s cock inside him before Louis could even begin to appreciate it.
Louis fucked him into the mattress, made him come, made him cry. His knot popped, but he didn’t put it in, because Seth hadn’t really noticed it start and anyway, it’d probably just be a pain, he’d have to get up and grab them snacks and drinks and wet flannels and stuff in a minute. Getting stuck together for half an hour wasn’t convenient when there was other shit to do.
He left Seth in a sated heap after licking his hole clean, tongue-fucking him until he was loose again after his half-lock and until Louis could taste nothing but Seth’s slick. Probably there was more of his come still inside, but too deep to come out that way. The thought made something hot curdle in his belly.
‘Where’d you go?’ Seth grumbled when he got back, glowering at him as Louis handed over his half-drunk Seven-Up and a plate of sandwiches to share.
Louis settled back into bed beside him, sipping from his own can. ‘Need to keep your energy up,’ he said. ‘Blood sugar, electrolytes and stuff.’
‘Don’t be a smart-arse,’ Seth grumbled, stuffing a quartered square of sandwich into his mouth. ‘Was cold. Don’t just fuck off like that, next time.’
Louis hooked his leg over Seth’s and curled an arm around his waist and nodded, kissing Seth’s neck. Seth huffed at him, but nestled into it greedily.
They fucked again a little while later, but only after Seth had insisted that they both brush their teeth and wash their hands and change the sheets, because apparently crumbs in bed were a war crime.
Louis popped a knot again as they were fucking slow, and Seth noticed it immediately this time, his legs clenching around Louis’s spine as he gasped and scrabbled at Louis’s shoulders, nails scoring hot lines across Louis’s skin.
‘Fuck yes, Alpha, put it in, please, fucking knot me,’ Seth moaned.
Louis’s breathing was ragged, but he stopped where he was, propped up on his hands with his knees under Seth’s hips, gazing down at him against the dark, crisp sheets.
‘Don’t call me that,’ he said hoarsely.
Seth’s eyes were a little glazed and hazy, but he blinked back and frowned a little. ‘What?’
‘Don’t call me Alpha.’
‘Why not?’
‘’S’not my name.’
Seth huffed. ‘Fuck, fine. Louis, for the love of god, can I have your fucking knot?’
Louis bent over him, flexing his hips so his quickly thickening knot pushed and tugged teasingly at Seth’s tightly clenching hole. Seth whined and clung to his neck desperately, trying to pull him closer.
‘’This what you wanted?’ Louis whispered, still holding back just a little, not quite kissing him, not quite letting the widest part of his knot slip inside. ‘When you texted and said bring me snacks and shit and you didn’t tell me why, was that bollocks? You just wanted me to come over, didn’t you? You fuckin’ made up a reason.’
‘Yes, fuck,’ Seth gasped desperately, hips squirming for more.
‘You could’ve asked anyone,’ Louis murmured, brushing a sweaty lock of Seth’s red-brown hair back from his brow. ‘One of your other hookups. Some random off Grindr. So why me?’
Seth hissed at him. ‘Why the fuck do you think?’ he snarled, eyes flashing. ‘Like I’d fucking trust anyone except you, you jackass.’
Louis growled and rolled his hips, shoving his almost fully expanded knot inside Seth’s stretched hole with an obscenely wet pop. Seth wailed, eyes practically rolling back in his head.
‘Yeah,’ Louis grunted hoarsely. ‘So don’t fuckin’ call me Alpha, like I’m fucking… disposable. I’m your alpha, I have a fucking name, I’m not just a cock to fill your pretty cunt. Got it?’
‘Yes, godyes, fuck, Louis,’ Seth whimpered, nails digging into Louis’s shoulders deep enough to ache as he squirmed and writhed around Louis’s knot. ‘Mine, my alpha, Louis, please, god, so good, so fucking good—’
Louis lunged to kiss him roughly, and Seth panted against his mouth, kissing back in erratic, gasping bursts, his whole body trembling in Louis’s arms.
‘Don’t let anyone else fuck you again,’ Louis whispered raggedly, his voice cracking as he pressed their foreheads together. He was shaking, too, his fingers in Seth’s hair, tremblingly gentle. ‘Please. Fuck. I can’t—I can’t keep—I’m so—Fuck, Seth. You’re—Please.’
Seth choked out a weird laugh, and Louis flinched, but Seth’s hand slithered down from his shoulder to cup Louis’s cheek, forcing him to meet Seth’s gaze.
‘I haven’t fucked anyone except you since… I don’t even remember,’ Seth said hoarsely. ‘Before Christmas. When you were being a prat at Pam’s party.’
Louis’s breath left him in a rush, and he had to gasp in air, off balance. ‘Yeah?’ he pleaded.
‘Fuck, there stopped being any fucking point, Lou, you’re so much fucking better than any of those other arseholes,’ Seth groaned, threading his fingers into Louis’s hair and giving his head a gentle shake. ‘What about you?’ he added, eyes dark and searching, and Louis jolted and swore as Seth clenched around him, achingly tight. ‘When was the last time for you?’
Louis shook his head dizzily. ‘I don’t—Fuck, I don’t know, ages. Like, last summer, maybe? That guy at the bar, when you hooked up in the toilets. He sucked me off in his car.’
Seth hissed through his teeth, bit at Louis’s lip, twined his arm around Louis’s neck and held him tight and rocked his hips with him inside. ‘Good,’ he growled. ‘No one else, Alpha, you’re my Louis now. Any slutty bitches throwing themselves at you can fucking go through me, I’ll bite their fucking faces off.’
Louis choked out a laugh, straining and weird because he was coming, okay, his knot had finished filling up and Seth was locked around him and the long, head-spinning orgasm of knot was sending him flying into space. It was so good. Seth was right. None of the other guys he’d fucked had felt anything like this, beta or omega.
‘Don’t want any of ’em,’ Louis whispered. ‘Just you.’
Seth’s breathing hitched and he nodded jerkily, kissing Louis clumsily, like he was off balance. A funny little sound made Louis blink, and Seth’s face, already flushed, got redder.
‘Shut up,’ Seth hissed. ‘Don’t make fun of me.’
‘What—’ Louis glanced down at Seth’s chest reflexively as his brain caught up, but there was nothing about Seth’s flushed, freckled skin or his fuzz of red chest hair or his pink, pink biteable nipples that could adequately explain what Louis was hearing.
‘I can’t fucking help it,’ Seth whisper-shouted, smacking Louis’s shoulder without much heat behind it. He kept purring, though, the second the words were over.
He looked so flustered and embarrassed about it that Louis’s mouth couldn’t help but turn into a stupid grin.
‘It’s nice,’ Louis promised, and kissed Seth softly. ‘I, uh… I don’t know how. Sorry. But I would, if I could.’
‘I hate you,’ Seth pouted, squirming and red in the face.
Louis huffed. ‘You don’t,’ he murmured, kissing Seth’s mouth, his cheek, his jaw. ‘I don’t hate you, either,’ he added, very soft. ‘Wanna date you,’ he whispered against Seth’s ear. ‘Be yours. Stop pretending I’m not.’
Seth moaned as Louis slid a hand between their bodies and gripped his cock. He hadn’t come yet—didn’t always, when Louis knotted him, although he said it always got him so close he could barely hold on. Under Louis’s hands, Seth shook apart with a sob and slipped into shuddering aftershocks, spine arching off the bed as he trembled with it all.
‘Please,’ Louis whispered, his face pressed into the curve of Seth’s shoulder, where it was sweaty-warm and smelled so strongly of him that Louis could taste him on every breath.
‘Yes,’ Seth gasped.
Louis lay over him and listened to Seth’s breathing race and felt his pulse jitter under his fingers.
‘Yes,’ Seth whispered again, into the quiet. ‘Yes, please. I want—I want that. Too.’
Louis nodded, and kissed Seth’s shoulder, and breathed.
February - two and a half months ago
Jasmine’s bedroom was quiet, just the soft little sounds of her breathing as Louis sat in the nursing chair and listened with his eyes closed.
She’d been mostly sleeping through the night for several months now, so all of them were better rested accordingly. But the odd nighttime incident still stirred him up, her small noises of discomfort just audible from across the hall. A quick nappy change and a sponge down and she’d settled again without too much trouble, still so sleepy and floppy she’d barely even had the wherewithal to kick while he was wrapping her back up.
Once she was zonked out, he pushed himself to his feet and went to give his hands a proper wash.
Their bedroom when he got back was quiet and dark, but a sliver of light crept around the curtains, falling across the rumpled coverlet and the two bodies underneath. Taylor was sprawled face down on the far side of the bed, as usual, one long, dark leg hanging half off the mattress and both arms slung loosely over his tousled head. Beside him, though, the shadows wreathed Seth’s upper body where he was sitting propped against the headboard.
Louis quietly pushed the door to and padded over to join them.
The air was still heavy with Seth’s heat-scent from the past few days. They’d changed the sheets a lot, kept things clean, but the layers of sex-musk were impossible to hide when they were this ingrained. There was a little spark of something salty and aching, though, as Louis slid under the covers at Seth’s side.
A tissue was crumpled in Seth’s fist, a pale glimmer in the darkness. He sniffed quietly.
Louis slid an arm around him, tucking Seth into his side, and Seth folded into Louis’s embrace with a shaky sigh.
‘Okay?’ Louis murmured against Seth’s hair.
Seth shrugged silently. He didn’t say anything for a while. ‘Is Jasmine alright?’ he whispered finally.
‘Yeah. Just a wet nappy. Clean and dry and sleeping again now.’
Seth nodded against Louis’s shoulder. ‘Thank you,’ he mumbled.
Louis kissed the top of his head.
For a little while they were both quiet. From Taylor’s side of the bed, there was the occasional little grunty snore.
Seth finally huffed a tiny laugh. ‘We wore him out,’ he whispered.
Louis smiled, nodding with his chin propped gently on Seth’s head.
‘I can’t—’ Seth broke off, voice fragile again. He fumbled with his tissue, and Louis let him shift around a bit to mop his eyes and blow his nose quietly.
With a careful hand, Louis groped around on the bedside table in the dark to find the water bottle. He unscrewed the lid with a little metallic squeak and handed it over, and Seth murmured his thanks and drank.
They emptied it between them. It’d been a long few days. Good, but tiring.
‘Did I wake you when I got up?’ Louis murmured, setting the empty bottle aside.
There was a rustle as Seth shook his head. Louis wrapped an arm around him again, and Seth settled back into the curve of Louis’s shoulder, cheek against his collarbone, breath warm through his t-shirt.
‘I don’t think so. I just—’ Seth cleared his throat quietly around the rasp. ‘I heard you with her. Settling her back down. I—’
Louis found Seth’s empty hand where it was clenched into the covers and gently pried it free, tangling their fingers together. Seth squeezed back, tucking his face into Louis’s collar.
‘I think—I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m upset,’ Seth whispered, voice cracking. ‘It’s so fucking stupid. Everything’s perfect. Why does it hurt?’
Louis gave a tiny shrug, careful not to jostle him. Pointing out that Seth’s hormones were probably still in turmoil from his first heat after thirteen months of suppressants and raising a new baby was perhaps not the most constructive answer.
‘I was scared, listening to you,’ Seth breathed out roughly. ‘It—I was afraid. I don’t know why. Of—I don’t know. Everything… going away, maybe.’ He stopped to take a shuddering breath. ‘I listened to you talking to our baby and it… scared me. Because I love you both so fucking much. And Taylor, and—It’s so—I don’t… deserve this.’
Louis grunted and squeezed Seth tighter against him, shaking his head silently. Seth just sighed.
‘I just can’t… It’s so… hard to believe, I think,’ Seth whispered, his voice suddenly thick with exhaustion. ‘That it’s real. That I… we… get to have this. I didn’t—I wanted, but I was so scared, for so long, that we couldn’t. Wouldn’t.’
‘You get to have this,’ Louis said quietly, brushing a few strands of hair back from Seth’s temple. He hooked a knuckle under Seth’s chin and raised his head, nosing at Seth’s cheek in the dark. ‘You deserve to be happy, love. You’re allowed that.’
Seth laughed, quiet and a bit damp, and kissed the corner of Louis’s mouth clumsily.
‘We’re getting married,’ Seth whispered, smile soft and silly against Louis’s.
‘We are.’ Louis smiled crookedly back, and kissed him again, very gently.
‘And we’re going to have another baby.’
‘We’re going to try.’
Seth breathed deeply and nodded. ‘And… We’re going to ask Tay to move in with us, aren’t we?’ he whispered, so quiet even Louis could hardly hear it.
Louis nodded.
Seth’s fingers tangled into Louis’s hair, the shaggy bit at the top that he’d been growing out, and they kissed, quick and hard and tender.
‘It’s gonna be okay,’ Louis murmured, as Seth dropped his head back onto Louis’s shoulder with a sigh.
Seth nodded and held on tight.
October - 14 and a half years ago
Seth was waiting at the bus stop a couple of blocks down from the solicitors’ offices when Louis pulled in. His headlights glanced off Seth’s tall frame and cast spidery shadows down the nighttime pavement beyond.
‘Hey,’ Louis said as Seth slid into the passenger seat.
Seth grunted, shoving his laptop bag into the footwell and belting himself in without a word.
Louis pulled away from the kerb. There wasn’t any point waiting for a proper hello or a kiss.
The car smelled a bit of diesel fumes, but mostly like the fish and chips on the dashboard. Seth pulled the bag into his lap and tore it open. For a minute there was only the rustling of the paper and Seth fiddling with the little packets of tartar sauce, accompanied by the rumble of the engine.
‘How was the first day?’ Louis asked.
‘Fine.’
Seth shoved a couple of chips in his mouth, and then held one out for Louis to take. Louis delicately bit it from between Seth’s fingers, licking a trace of salt and vinegar and creamy sauce from Seth’s fingertip before it retreated.
They both chewed quietly as Louis drove. Seth found the half empty bottle of Irn Bru in the cup holder and stole a mouthful.
‘New boss okay?’ Louis tried.
‘Fine.’ Seth sighed and ate another chip. ‘It’s just for a couple of months. It doesn’t matter. It’s experience.’
Louis frowned.
Seth stirred tartar sauce with another chip, prodding at it pensively, and then blew a breath through his teeth.
‘He called opposing counsel a bunch of samaritan fags when I was getting briefed,’ Seth burst out, thumping his head back against the seat with a groan. ‘And one of the other partners called some of their clients bitches, insinuated that they deserved to get gangraped in prison—I can’t fucking—It’s so—Fuck. Why am I even doing this? What’s the fucking point? My life’s a fucking mess, I’m going to be in debt for a thousand years by the time this is over, and for what? So I can spend the rest of my fucking life working with even more fucking hideously myopic, narcissistic old white men who think empathy is a dirty word. I should fucking kill myself now and save myself another fifteen years of trouble.’
‘Fuck ’em,’ Louis said flatly. ‘That’s why you’re doing it. Because they’re fucking scum and you’re going to be better.’
‘I can’t,’ Seth rasped, hanging his head and clutching a fistful of greasy newspaper like it was the only thing holding him together. ‘I can’t, Lou. Fuck. I’m so fucking—I can’t be that guy. I’m not strong enough. All I can think about right now is—’
He broke off, and Louis took a hand off the wheel to grip Seth’s wrist and squeeze, rubbing the jut of bone with his thumb.
Neither of them said anything else. After a few moments, Louis had to take his hand back to shift gears. Seth dipped another chip and reached over to pop it in Louis’s mouth.
Parking in the garage below their flat, Louis took the rest of the fish and chips and Seth took his satchel and they headed upstairs. The corridors were empty and quiet at eleven o’clock at night. The lift in their new building was a lot less rattly and slow than the old one.
Seth let them in, keys jangling in the silent hallway, and locked up behind them as Louis kicked off his work boots by the door and headed for the kitchen in the corner of their one room flat. Light from the street crept in through the front windows, bathing the room in a yellow-tinged glow.
Sighing heavily, Seth left his bag on the floor by the table and joined Louis at the counter, reaching under his elbow to tear off another piece of battered fish. Louis nudged their shoulders together, licking grease off his fingertips.
‘I hate my life,’ Seth said quietly. He dropped his head into the crook of Louis’s shoulder, his free, un-sticky hand sliding around Louis’s waist to hold him close.
Louis rested his head on top of Seth’s and breathed out. ‘…I don’t want you to go,’ he murmured.
Seth’s arm squeezed around him. ‘I’m not going to kill myself,’ he said. And after a moment: ‘I won’t. I promise.’
Louis nodded slightly. ‘I know things are shit right now.’
Seth cleared his throat. ‘Well. It’s nobody’s fault.’
‘Except those cunts you’re working with.’
Seth snorted. ‘Yes. Fuck them.’ He hugged Louis harder for a moment and then let go, sighing, and turned to the sink to wash his hands. ‘God, it all feels fucking pointless. Even getting out of bed feels like a waste of time. How the fuck am I supposed to care about any of this bullshit when I’m so—?’ He made a helpless little noise and thumped his head against the cabinets above the sink, once, twice. ‘Fuck.’
Louis pulled a couple of cereal bowls down from the cupboard and split the rest of their dinner between the two, emptying another packet of tartar sauce over both bowls.
Neither of them bothered to put any lights on. There wasn’t much to trip over. The flat was pretty empty apart from the tiny dining table with its two chairs, the cramped two-person sofa, and a flatpack TV cabinet that Seth had assembled himself for his first place and refused to let go of, even though it wobbled dangerously every time they touched the telly. The carpet still smelled like someone else’s cigarette smoke whenever they vacuumed.
They both settled into their corners of the couch, socked feet tangled together. Louis paused to pull off his hoodie, his t-shirt half peeling off with it before he tugged it back down. Opposite him, Seth undid the top couple of buttons of his shirt with a sigh.
Louis peeled the batter away from his fish and ate it a piece at a time, gaze on the hollow of Seth’s throat where the shadows moved across it as he breathed and chewed and swallowed.
After a while, Seth dug out the remote from under the sofa and flicked through the channels, blueish light flickering across his face as he watched the screen.
Louis licked his fingers clean when his bowl was empty, and rubbed his ankle against Seth’s softly. Seth didn’t move his foot away, which was better than nothing. After the past few weeks, that was an improvement.
The canned laughter of a sitcom soundtrack echoed quietly around the empty room, bouncing off the walls and the insides of the shonky TV cabinet. Seth idled with the remote in his hand, gaze lost somewhere in the distance, far beyond whatever was on the screen.
Silently, Louis got up and took their dishes to the sink.
When he came back, Seth still hadn’t moved, just sitting there with his greasy hand hanging loose over the back of the couch so it wouldn’t touch anything, his vacant stare spotlit by the glare of the television.
Louis stood behind the sofa and half watched the TV, though mostly his eyes stayed on Seth. In his pocket, his fingers found the little plastic baggie the lady’d given him at the second hand shop. He fiddled with the ridge of the ziplock top, and felt his way around the shape of the contents.
‘’S’late,’ he said finally. ‘Want me to run you a bath?’
Seth breathed out thickly and straightened, pulling himself in, shaking his head. ‘No, I’ll just have a quick shower. I’m tired.’
Louis nodded, watching Seth extract himself from the sofa, all legs and ill-fitting in his skin. He’d been like that, lately. Limp. Unwieldy. So sad that his scent made the air feel like tar and tears.
Their bathroom was too small to fit both of them without someone having to clamber over the toilet or stand in the tub to brush their teeth, so they took turns. Seth showered first, disappearing into the bedroom with the hair dryer while Louis did a scrub-down to get rid of the sawdust and the sweat. After, he followed the sounds of the dryer into the dim little room with its bare bulb on the ceiling and its dents in the walls. It had a big double bed in the middle, and a wardrobe in the corner for Seth’s suits—another flatpack, but a bit sturdier than the other one, which Seth stubbornly refused to attribute to Louis being the one who’d built it.
Seth stood in front of the full length mirror that was screwed to the wall, dressed only in his holey grey sweats, working over his hair slowly with the dryer and a comb.
Without interrupting, Louis pulled on a pair of loose cotton boxers and a t-shirt and sat down on his side of the bed. He’d taken the little baggie from the pocket of his work trousers, and he fiddled with it again, staring down at it blindly where it lay on his palm. It was too small. Plain. It’d only cost him twenty quid.
The hairdryer’s whine switched off into blessed silence, and Louis tucked the thing under his phone on the bedside table and leant against the wall, shoving his pillows into place behind him. There was no headboard—the bed they’d picked up for cheap hadn’t come with one, and he hadn’t had the time or money to make something.
Seth turned off the light at the wall and slid under the covers. For a few moments he rustled around, trying to get comfortable on his back. Then he rolled over onto his side, his knees pulled up, the glow through their thin blinds outlining his form under the duvet. He wasn’t facing away, at least. That was better than most nights, recently.
After a minute or two, Louis reached out hesitantly and touched Seth’s soft, dryer-warmed hair. It felt like froth under his fingertips, prickly-soft as he brushed it back from Seth’s cheek, like bubbles popping.
‘I love you,’ Louis said in the stillness.
Seth made a noise, and his hand rustled under the covers and grabbed Louis’s thigh, gripping tight. Louis pressed his knees together, trapping Seth’s fingers.
‘I know, um… things haven’t been great. Since,’ Louis tried, haltingly. The thud of his heartbeat was heavy enough that surely it should’ve been a drumbeat, heard through walls. ‘And it’s okay, we don’t have to—talk. About that. I know you don’t—want to. But.’
Seth’s grip tightened and he tugged, his other hand shooting out from under the covers to grapple at Louis’s arm, and Louis let himself be dragged down and under the covers, into Seth’s punishingly tight embrace. Louis clung back, just as desperate, wound around Seth inextricably.
‘I just.’ Louis took a shaky breath, tucked his chin over Seth’s head, cradled him. ‘Uh, I just wanna. You know. We’re still… I’m gonna love you, no matter what, for my whole life, probably, and… we can try again. Like, on purpose. When our shit’s together, and stuff. When we’re not broke, and you’re done with school, and we’re older. I… want that, with you. For real. But even if we don’t ever get to… you know, do that, you’re still my family. Always.’
Seth started to cry, just on the edge of audible; in the hitching of his breathing, mostly. It took about three seconds for Louis’s t-shirt to get wet enough to stick to his skin. Louis tightened his arms, tangled their legs together inescapably, held on.
‘Love you,’ Louis whispered again.
Seth nodded, small and jerky, and twisted his fingers into the hem of Louis’s shirt until the seams creaked.
When both of them were breathing quietly again, and Seth was no longer squeezing Louis’s shoulder so tightly it hurt, Louis shifted a bit. Seth let him shuffle, following him as Louis rolled onto his back against his piled up pillows, until Seth was tucked into the hollow of Louis’s armpit, cheek pressed to Louis’s chest. Louis lay and stared at the ceiling for a few long, quiet moments, listening to Seth’s soft, slightly shivering breaths.
‘I got something,’ Louis said.
Seth made a small, tired, quizzical sort of noise.
Louis reached across for the bedside table, shuffling his Nokia aside and retrieving the ziplock bag. He opened it awkwardly, reaching around Seth’s shoulders so he could use both hands, and then carefully shook the little thing onto his palm, flicking the empty bag aside onto the darkened floor.
‘Here,’ Louis murmured, feeling for Seth’s wrist. Seth grunted at him, exasperated or confused, but let Louis turn his hand over.
‘What’re you doing?’ Seth grumbled, voice a little muffled, still slightly nasal from crying.
Louis carefully pressed the thing into the centre of Seth’s hand and closed his fingers around it.
‘Marry me,’ Louis whispered.
Seth froze against him, and Louis swallowed thickly.
‘Didn’t have much money to spend on a ring, so. It’s not much,’ Louis went on hoarsely, wrapping his hand around Seth’s closed fist. ‘But it’s—I got it just so… When we’re doing better, we can get a nicer one. You can pick. But I wanna be with you forever, and I didn’t want to wait around to ask until we’re thirty or something, and I wanted—I want us to be… Y’know. Something. So people know. We’re family. We belong to each other.’
‘Oh god,’ Seth choked out, voice strangled, and he jerked upright at Louis’s side, flailing free of Louis’s embrace and nearly losing his balance. ‘Oh guh—You’re serious?’
Louis struggled to sit up straighter, too, grabbing at Seth’s arm and capturing his fist again, Louis’s own hand shaky as he held Seth’s steady.
‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m serious. Marry me.’
‘Oh my god. Louis, what the fuck, we can’t—Louis. We’re—You’re twenty! I’m only twenty-three, we’re not even—We can’t! We can’t fucking afford—I have, like, fifty more years of this fucking degree, and I might never get a job unless I sell my fucking soul to do it, and I’m a fucking mess, I’m dragging you down—’
‘I’m in love with you. You’re my mess. I don’t give a fuck.’
‘Louis.’ Seth hit his shoulder lightly in the dark, hissing at him like a panicked cat. ‘You can’t just fucking—We can’t! We’re not ready!’
Louis shrugged. ‘So we wait a bit. I don’t care when we do it, I just wanna know we’re going to. Eventually.’
‘I mean, we literally can’t, since it’s not even legal yet in this country,’ Seth retorted, voice high and trembling. ‘And God knows how fucking long that will be! I—Louis. Why would you—?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Louis said. ‘They’ll legalise it eventually, probably, but even if they don’t, fuck it. We can still get married, even if we don’t have a piece of paper.’
‘You’re insane,’ Seth whispered. He was shaking. Louis could see the whites of his eyes, bright glimmers in the dark.
‘You’re worth it.’
Seth choked out a laugh and crumpled, folding over on himself. Louis curled around him, holding him tight.
‘Fuck,’ Seth whimpered quietly. ‘Fuck, fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing, oh god, Lou, Lou I love you so much, what do I do?’
‘Say yes?’ Louis suggested with a wince.
Seth sputtered another, more desperate laugh, unfurling a little and grabbing for Louis’s hand.
‘Fuck. Okay. Yes. Yes, yeah, I—Fuck.’
Louis kissed Seth’s temple. ‘Cool.’
Seth laughed harder. ‘Oh my god.’
For a few moments, they both just held each other, through Seth’s desperate giggles and Louis’s shaky breathing.
‘Can I put it on you?’ Louis asked finally, voice low.
Seth’s breath hitched, but he sat back and they fumbled a bit, hands touching in the dark. Seth’s palm was sweaty as it uncurled under Louis’s fingers, had warmed the little flat band of something that the lady at the op-shop had said was probably gold plated, love, yes, it’s a nice shape, not worth anything though. Louis peeled it from Seth’s skin and very carefully parted his fingers, counted them in his head just to make certain he was holding the right one. Slid the ring gingerly down over the digit.
It went over the knuckle without a fight.
‘It’s not much,’ he muttered again, settling it securely on Seth’s hand and running his fingertips over the place, smooth metal and soft skin. ‘When we can afford it, I’ll buy you a proper one.’
‘I don’t care,’ Seth whispered. ‘I can’t even see it.’ He blurted out another incredulous laugh. ‘I can’t even fucking see it, you asked me to marry you in the middle of the fucking night, you lunatic, and I don’t fucking care. It could be fucking plastic, I don’t give a fuck. You—Jesus. Fuck. Come here.’
He yanked his hand out of Louis’s grip so he could cup Louis’s face in both and pull him into a breathless, bruising kiss. Louis wound his arms around Seth’s neck and breathed him in.
For the first time in a month, Seth smelled a little less like acrid misery and loss. The familiar bittersweet warmth of him washed over Louis’s senses, and he drank it in greedily like he was starved.
‘Tomorrow—Fuck, no, tomorrow’s Tuesday,’ Seth hissed through his teeth, resting his forehead against Louis’s, little quick breaths against Louis’s lips. ‘This weekend. We’re going to a shop this fucking weekend and getting you a ring, too, you chauvinist pig. You’re mine, if you get to put your fucking stamp of ownership on me, I’m fucking getting one on you, too. You don’t get to waltz around looking like you’re free as a bird.’
‘Okay.’ Louis was smiling so wide it was hard to speak.
Seth kissed him, quick and sharp, and then drew back again and ran his hand over Louis’s hair, a little rumpled, getting too long, still damp from the shower.
‘I don’t fucking know what my life would look like without you,’ Seth whispered hoarsely, voice cracking. ‘I don’t—I don’t think I could do it. I fu—I fucking love you, so—so much. I—God, Louis. Fuck.’
Louis nodded, kissing the corner of Seth’s mouth where it was trembling around his ragged breaths.
‘’S’okay,’ he murmured. ‘I love you, too. You don’t ever have to do it on your own.’
Seth’s laugh broke in the middle, and he buried his face in Louis’s shoulder.
Now
Jasmine’s overstimulated tears were calming a bit as Louis rocked her steadily, propped by an open window in a quiet back corridor. He adjusted the hand towel over his shoulder, smoothing out a wrinkle under her scrunched little cheek as she whimpered, and rubbed her back soothingly. On the windowsill, his phone lit up with a reply to his last message, and he thumbed it open quickly.
< All OK, poor bb still a bit green but keeping down water now!
Were u at?
He typed back with one finger, shushing Jasmine softly as she sniffled into the towel.
Btween kitchn n entrance out bakc >
Quiet now, all ok here to
He got a thumbs up from Taylor in response.
< Well come to u
Jasmine grizzled restlessly, and Louis jogged her gently up and down, humming under his breath. He tried a purr, which went okay for a few seconds and then petered out hoarsely, and he had to clear his throat. At least Jasmine didn’t seem to notice.
He was fiddling with the nappy bag on the bench by the window, trying to extract a teething toy, when footsteps and voices turned the corner. He glanced up, and Taylor brightened and waved to him, the other arm wound firmly through Seth’s.
Seth looked wan against the crisp cream and black of his suit, but his smile softened too at the sight of them.
‘There you are,’ Taylor crooned, reaching for Jasmine. Louis let him take her gently, sliding an arm around Seth as Seth bumped up against him with a sigh.
‘Hi,’ Seth murmured, resting his chin on Louis’s shoulder, head lolling.
‘How’re you doing?’ Louis asked quietly, rubbing a gentle hand down Seth’s arm, over the smooth fabric of his suit.
Seth grimaced. ‘Fine. It was just the drive.’
Louis gave him a sidelong look, and Seth huffed.
‘It’ll clear up in another hour anyway, it hasn’t been that bad.’ Seth sighed. ‘It had to start this week.’
Louis kissed his temple. ‘I’m sorry.’
Seth shrugged that off, shaking his head. ‘It’s fine. How’s the little lady?’
Louis nodded towards where Taylor was chatting to Jasmine. Her mood was still a little subdued after the hectic morning and her mother’s anxiety and discomfort, but she was smiling and giggling a little bit as Taylor tapped her nose playfully.
‘Nothing to worry about,’ Louis murmured. ‘Just a big day.’
Seth nodded, tucking his face into Louis’s shoulder with a shaky sigh, gusting minty breath in Louis’s general direction.
‘Nicole’s been texting,’ Louis added, glancing at his phone on the sill. ‘Seating’s sorted, last of the flowers just getting set up.’
Seth hummed, nodding slightly. ‘Cake?’ he mumbled.
‘Saw it come in, kitchen has it.’
‘Okay.’
‘Mum messaged me while we were in the loos,’ Taylor added, glancing up at them with a crooked smile. ‘She and Dev are here already, I think they’re rounding up the other early birds so nobody gets in the way.’
Seth straightened and smoothed his suit reflexively, glancing out of the window at the sun dappling across the grass at the corner of the building. ‘If it rains now, after all this, I’m going to scream,’ he said tightly.
Louis huffed, catching Seth’s simple black bow-tie and settling it more neatly against the lines of his collar. Under his ivory waistcoat and suit jacket, Seth’s shirt was black, too, with a subtle paisley pattern woven into the silky fabric so that it nearly shimmered as it caught the light. Beside him, Louis’s plain black suit and black shirt looked quite drab, although Seth and Taylor claimed the tailoring more than made up for it.
‘It’s not going to rain,’ Taylor put in, fond and wry. ‘We’ve checked every forecast that exists on the internet. There is quite literally not a cloud in the sky. It’s going to be perfect.’
‘It f—damn well should be, we’ve waited fifteen years for this,’ Seth snapped, but his hands were gentle on Louis’s hips as he smoothed down the lines of Louis’s jacket.
‘Mama.’ Taylor leant in, ducking his head to meet Seth’s frowning gaze with a gentle smile. ‘Honey, it’s going to be fine. Even if it does rain, we can come back inside to finish everything in the hall, like we planned. Nobody will mind, it’ll be fun.’
‘Fun!’ Seth scoffed, grimacing.
Louis cut him off with a quick kiss before he could break into a tirade. ‘It doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect,’ he murmured against Seth’s searching lips. ‘We’re here. That’s the only part that’s important.’
Seth grumbled wordlessly, resting his forehead against Louis’s and sliding his arms around Louis’s neck. The towel slid off Louis’s shoulder with the motion, but none of them reached for it.
Taylor laughed softly, nudging his shoulder against Louis’s and resting his head on Seth’s arm. Jasmine squealed happily, cheerily puzzled by why everyone was huddling.
‘You know what’s amazing?’ Taylor said. ‘You guys. All the people who love you the most are here because of that, not because they’re expecting some Insta-trendy party. You two have been together, what, more than half your lives? So we’re just here to have a nice time and celebrate you, and how much you love each other, and that you got this far. I think that’s fuuudging incredible.’
Louis nodded wordlessly.
Seth huffed, but his grey-blue eyes glittered with a smile, and he leant in and kissed Taylor’s forehead. Taylor laughed again and tilted his head up for a proper kiss. Seth obliged.
‘It’s going to be fine,’ Seth agreed curtly, breathing out through his nose. He gave a decisive nod, meeting Louis’s gaze again. ‘It will be perfect, because it’s ours.’
Louis smiled. ‘Yeah.’
‘Hell yeah!’ Taylor grinned. ‘You two have survived sh—stuff that would break lesser men. If somebody trips over a root or the flowers get messed up or something, it’s not the end of the world.’
Seth sighed. ‘Let’s hope nobody chokes, at least, or gets stung by a bee,’ he muttered. ‘I’m not sure a near-death experience would fit the mood. But fine. You’re right. Small mistakes are normal.’
‘Nobody likes a wedding where nothing hilarious happens, anyway,’ Taylor added dryly, putting Jasmine into Seth’s arms when he reached for her. ‘Somebody’s got to flub their lines or have a wardrobe malfunction, or the guests will all fall asleep.’
‘Absolutely not,’ Seth grumbled, making a face. ‘If I muck up my wedding vows after fifteen sodding years of working on them, I’ll be breaking out the arsenic and taking the whole lot of you with me.’
Taylor cackled, and Louis huffed and rolled his eyes, leaning against the window frame and watching Seth bounce Jasmine gently in his arms.
‘Well, I volunteer as tribute,’ Taylor said wryly, tucking himself into Louis’s side and resting his head on Louis’s shoulder. ‘If either of you does anything embarrassing, I’ll engineer a nip-slip or something, nobody will remember it after that.’
‘You’re already going to outshine both of us,’ Seth huffed without heat, smiling at them fondly. ‘You and Jasmine are going to look like the stars of the show no matter what we do.’
‘I’m wearing what you told me!’ Taylor protested, gesturing demonstratively to his outfit—dark purple velvet trousers, a more violet toned silk shirt, and a fluttery purple and mauve jacket of something airy and sequinned. His wrists were glittering with bangles, too, and his ears were weighed down by heavy gold loops that Jasmine had been magnetically enamoured with all day.
‘Exactly,’ Louis murmured, smiling.
‘You’re going to put the rest of the wedding party to shame, to the surprise of absolutely no one,’ Seth sighed, though his eyes were twinkling as he lifted Jasmine up to address her seriously. ‘And so are you, aren’t you, darling? You and your pappa are going to steal our thunder, nobody will care at all about the ceremony after you two arrive.’
Jasmine squealed under the attention, giggling and kicking her feet in her tiny white shoes and socks. Her chubby little brown legs wriggled under the gauzy skirt of her purple dress.
Taylor checked his phone and muttered a curse. ‘Babes, it’s almost time, we need to go get your makeup touched up,’ he said, all business again, reaching for Jasmine. ‘I’ll take this one. Lou, you ready? Oh, god, you need your boutonniere—’
‘I’ll come and grab it,’ Louis said, picking up the nappy bag. ‘Let’s go.’
After a sprucing up, he left the others a few rooms over, with Nicole, and Taylor’s mum, and Seth’s friend Amy who was doing the final hair and powder pass.
Outside, the chairs were filling up as the guests milled around, and everyone was talkative as he made his way up to the gazebo behind the hotel. The whole archway had been strung with flowers, white mixed with deep green leaves, and the scent of jasmine blossoms hung in the air with that of the cut grass. Louis found his mark, and Jim caught up with him there, chuckling as Louis fumbled gingerly with the delicate little spray of violets and baby’s breath.
‘Fat fingers, mate,’ Jim said wryly. ‘Should’ve got one of the girls to sort it for you.’
Louis huffed, and managed to get the pin into place without stabbing himself a third time.
The celebrant stopped talking to Taylor’s brother and came over, giving Louis a nod and a smile. ‘Ready?’ the man asked.
Louis nodded back.
‘Better late than never,’ Jim put in with a laugh, clapping Louis on the shoulder.
It wasn’t much longer to wait before Taylor’s mum peeped out from the back doors and signalled to them, and the celebrant signalled to somebody else, and the music started up with a gentle piano piece. The little crowd quieted down, craning their necks to see, and Louis’s gaze stayed fixed on the door. Despite not wearing a tie, and the top button of his shirt loosened to catch the breeze, it seemed like all the air was silently escaping from the garden as they waited.
Taylor’s brother opened the doors wide, and then Taylor stepped out, with Jasmine in his arms. Jasmine squealed in excitement as the sunshine washed over them, and there was a susurrus of coos and warm laughter.
Behind Taylor, Nicole’s two kids appeared in their matching little mauve suit and flowery mauve dress, both of them scattering petals somewhat more liberally than was strictly necessary. And after that, Angel, her slinky purple dress jewel-bright against her dark skin and radiant smile, and then Taylor’s mum, Meera, wearing a violet and gold saree and an equally delighted warmth in her dark eyes.
The music changed tempo right on cue, and Nicole’s fluttery mauve dress appeared in the doorway first, followed by Seth. They paused, arm in arm on the doorstep, exchanging an encouraging little smile, and then stepped out into the sunshine.
Louis took a quiet breath and let it out again, very slow.
Seth had a bouquet in his hands, modest and simple, just a few fat white blossoms studded with little violets. He seemed to be concentrating on his feet for the first few steps, watching the petals and the smooth grass, and then he glanced up as Louis watched him and their gazes met.
Louis saw Seth’s chest rise and fall, quick and shaky, and his mouth curve up inexorably at the corners. His blue eyes sparkled in the sunshine, and his head rose confidently as he walked, his gaze never straying from Louis’s face.
Louis smiled.