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“Feels like your my ex.” He kicked a stone into the muddy chunk of grass on the side. “We didn’t even fuck.”
In the corner of his eyes, he saw Aziraphale giving him an indignant look, his mouth open for a second as if he wanted to say something. Then his lips were pressed together to a thin line. When Crowley turned his face towards Aziraphale, there was a steep crease on his forehead, only centimetres away from those unfairly alluringly gorgeous eyes that Crowley used to lose himself in. He couldn’t lose anything more than he already had now, so he went on.
“Do I really mean so little to you that you won’t say anything at all?”
“You know that that’s not true!”
“Ah yeah? Do I?” Aziraphale rumbled. “How should I tell? Used to be able to breathe when you were around me. Now I’ve been holding my fucking breath for half an eternity.”
“Your feelings are definitely not my fault!”
“I DON’T WANT THEM EITHER, AZIRAPHALE!”
Crowley’s chest was heaving sharply and for a moment all they did was stare at each other. How could they stand so close to each other but feel like the other one was a million miles away?
“But I can’t get rid of them. Trust me, I tried.” It hurt. Go-, Sat-, Someone, why did this hurt so much? “I want to be your friend, angel.” Aziraphale grimaced at the familiar pet name, but Crowley didn’t let himself be put off by it. He was far too gone to stop right now. “I want to be there for you if you need me. I want to –” He hesitated briefly. “I want to tell you about important stuff again without the fear of rejection. We once had this marvellous understanding, you and me. That we were good for each other.” Their friendship had felt like a shared fundament. Before it was ripped apart from under his legs. “We were looking for excuses to see each other. I don- … You have no idea how much I miss you. Without you, I’m just Crowley. A demon who lives on earth, looking quite cool but who cares about that besides me.” Aziraphale kept a straight face. “But when I’m with you, I …” He took another step towards the angel. “I feel like nothing can stop us. We’re better together. Stronger. The most powerful beings in the universe. Nothing can hurt us. Nothing can hurt me. No-one can, but you.” He only then realised that he had taken Aziraphale’s hand in his own. Now he lifted it up towards his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss at the back of the hand. Aziraphale let him, following his moves with a great sadness in his eyes. But still – he let him. “You’re everything for me, angel. And in conclusion, I’m nothing without you.”
“That’s not true,” he heard, merely a whisper.
“Well, it is for me.” Crowley let go of Aziraphale’s hand. “No pressure. It’s not your fault either.“
“It will go away, Crowley.”
He knew that Aziraphale wasn’t aware of the stabbing character of the words he just said. Maybe he even said them with good intentions. But nevertheless, they hurt. Because he actually didn’t want it to go away. He wished to deepen the feelings he felt in his heart. To shower the angel with love. To let himself be loved. Aziraphale was the only living being that ever made him feel like he was okay the way he was. That there wasn’t anything wrong with him. He had never felt so safe with anyone else. But it wasn’t the time to tell.
“Sure.“
“I forgive you.”
“Angel, there’s nothing to forgive. It’s never a sin to love someone.”
And with that, he let Aziraphale stand there, in the middle of the pathway, seemingly shocked by the word he just heard, about the dimensions that he hadn’t been aware of. About the emptiness he felt, now that Crowley was gone.