Work Text:
Shen Wenlang is on a business trip when he receives a phone call from a familiar and smooth-talking someone asking him to start a certain kind of relationship with him. "Excuse me?" he raises his voice loud enough to startle passersby in the lobby of the hotel. His secretary, Gao Tu, eyes him in surprise at the exclamation. "Are you out of your clearly deranged mind?" he quickly changes to a hushed tone.
Despite his knee-jerk reaction, these things no longer surprise Shen Wenlang. He has known the lunatic long enough to know that he would not take no for an answer. Not to mention, he still owes him one for his entrepreneurial success. "I need to think about it. Don't talk to me now. I'm busy." He taps the hang up button on his phone in sheer incredulity. Beside him, his secretary is standing by, patient and professional.
"President Shen, the driver is at the pick-up point. Shall we?"
It is summer and the skies are an inviting azure blue. A light breeze blowing in his face brings a premonition as he walks towards a sleek, black car waiting for him outside. Gao Tu catches Shen Wenlang's eye briefly when he opens the car door for him. His secretary's hair is slightly ruffled by the wind, making him look younger than he is. Shen Wenlang does not pause to consider the moment. It is still summer and all is still well.
*
For a long time, Gao Tu thinks they could carry on like this. Working closely with Shen Wenlang for the past five years has established a routine between them that is comfortable in its familiarity. Gao Tu knows how to prepare meeting agendas exactly the way Shen Wenlang prefers with minimal instruction. He has Shen Wenlang's schedule arranged such that he never has to hurry and is never late. Shen Wenlang only drinks the tea that he makes – everything else is simply not good enough.
The subtle shift begins when Gao Tu notices the length of time his superior is spending with the new secretary in his office. For the first month, he manages to convince himself that it is because Shen Wenlang needs Secretary Hua to familiarise himself with the order of business. By the second month, he starts finding it difficult to look Secretary Hua in the eye without feeling a quiet ache in his chest.
There is an ethereal quality to Hua Yong that resembles poetry. His face is as exquisite as white jade, his lips red like wintry plum blossoms. The flutter of his eyelashes draws people towards the shimmer in his eyes. He dresses in flowing white blouses and fitting black pants and moves like a fairy in the mist. In the years that Gao Tu has known Shen Wenlang, he has never seen anyone who truly captures Shen Wenlang's imagination. Now he knows why. Shen Wenlang may despise omegas, but not all omegas are made equal.
There has never been evidence that Shen Wenlang is even remotely interested in the frivolity of romance, so much so that Gao Tu is content to remain as his secretary if it means he can be a part of his life. He realises he cannot be more wrong when he opens the door to Shen Wenlang's office one day to see him leaning towards the fair omega ensconced in his chair like a damsel in distress.
It is only the fact that he is in a professional setting in the presence of guests from industry giant Shengfang Biotech that is keeping Gao Tu from turning around and leaving. He goes through the motions of protocol and manages to retreat from the room with Secretary Hua and Secretary Chen, their counterpart from Shengfang, leaving their bosses to speak in private. He keeps up with an image of calm until he finds an opening to excuse himself.
"Are you okay, Secretary Gao? You look unwell," Hua Yong asks.
"I'm fine, thank you," Gao Tu says quickly and makes his way to the wellness room that he knows will be deserted after hours. There is an unbearable tightness in his chest. He collapses onto the sofa in the darkness of the room and waits until a terrible realisation sinks in: He has never been content. He has always wanted more.
*
Every sharp-eyed HS employee knows that President Shen is partial to Secretary Gao. He entrusts confidential information to Secretary Gao, brings him to important meetings and social events, and even delegates the task of managing his personal schedule to him. Then there are the more subtle signs picked up by the observant few. The way Secretary Gao accurately reads President Shen's non-verbal cues. How people naturally seek him out for advice when it comes to matters concerning the boss. The fact that he seems to be the only one who can deal with the boss' bad mood.
It is not as if Shen Wenlang is unaware of how he comes across when it comes to Gao Tu, even though he would never admit to it. It gives him legitimate reasons to talk to Gao Tu every day. To manage potential resentment towards Gao Tu, he has even instructed Chief Secretary Qin to report anything of the sort on the grapevine to him. But his worries are unnecessary. Besides the fact that Gao Tu is capable and generally well-liked, other employees are more than happy to let him take on the extra work associated with pleasing the boss.
This line of thought extends to everything Shen Wenlang does in relation to Gao Tu. Everything needs to be justified. He calls Gao Tu into his office every so often because they have work to discuss. He insists that Gao Tu picks out a new business suit at the company's expense for some high society cocktail because the image of an employee reflects on the company. On the rare occasion that he sends Gao Tu home after a late night at work, it is because he expects him to report on time the next day.
Ever since he had to accommodate Hua Yong in HS for his grand scheme in pursuing Sheng Shaoyou, Shen Wenlang has had to put up with not having Gao Tu by his side. After all, Hua Yong is supposed to be his new favourite secretary who does not help with actual work. When the doors are closed and the act is dropped, all Hua Yong does is stalk Sheng Shaoyou on social media and plan his next move.
It is fortunate that Hua Yong is a good negotiator. "I'll make Mr Sheng pay for Secretary Gao's sister's surgery fees," he says when Shen Wenlang starts complaining about having to bring him to a dinner organised by the chamber of commerce that Sheng Shaoyou will be attending. The lunatic has basically appropriated Gao Tu's life story, pretending to be some tragic but resilient member of the working class from a broken family with a sick sister in tow, all to appeal to the sense of pity in Sheng Shaoyou. "Fine, fine, whatever," Shen Wenlang relents. If being forced to watch the push and pull between Hua Yong and Sheng Shaoyou for another evening would help Gao Tu ease his financial burden, then so be it.
He informs Gao Tu of the agenda that evening. "Would you need me to attend?" Gao Tu asks. "No, you don't have to go. Secretary Hua will be there." There is a split-second shift in Gao Tu's expression that Shen Wenlang cannot read, there and then gone. Gao Tu looks tired. Shen Wenlang has been so caught up with Hua Yong's antics that he is just realising he has not looked at Gao Tu properly in a while. He starts wondering if Gao Tu is falling sick from overwork. He thinks about asking him to go home earlier and rest, but the words feel too intimate to speak. Instead, he says, "If there are no other tasks at hand, you can leave. Secretary Hua will handle the rest."
*
When one of the junior secretaries whom he is friendlier with comes up to him and asks, innocently, if there is anything going on between President Shen and Secretary Hua, Gao Tu knows that it is almost inevitable. Chief Secretary Qin, ever diplomatic, has reassured him more than once that he is still very much favoured by their boss. Yet as much as people try to pretend otherwise, the fact that Secretary Hua is somehow involved with President Shen is already an open secret and the secretariat is careful not to work the newcomer too hard.
The reality hits close to home when Shen Wenlang asks Gao Tu one day to accompany him in selecting a gift for the omega. Gao Tu is usually the one helping Shen Wenlang with the formalities of gift exchange with business and personal contacts. Asking him is only natural. He conditions himself to think of the request as strictly business and goes along with it showing as little emotion as possible. They spend about half an hour looking at accessories in a luxury boutique when Shen Wenlang pauses at a display case with a collection of pens and signals to the sales staff to show them the stationery.
"What colour do you like?" he asks.
"I think lavender suits Secretary Hua," Gao Tu offers helpfully.
"What about you?"
Gao Tu looks at Shen Wenlang, not understanding his question. "Black, perhaps," he says.
"Try this." Shen Wenlang hands one of the black pens to Gao Tu.
It is an excellent fountain pen that glides across the paper, producing smooth, clean lines, except that it feels slightly heavy.
"How about this?" Shen Wenlang picks out a second design.
The pen is elegant and understated with a glossy black cap and barrel, accented by a silver clip and a silver band around the end of the cap engraved with an intricate pattern. It feels just right in the hand. Gao Tu likes that it is functional and does not draw attention to itself.
"This will do," Shen Wenlang says.
Eventually, they settle on a delicate orchid brooch for Hua Yong. The accessory is sophisticated in its simplicity, much befitting of the omega's beauty, which Gao Tu thinks is already sublime without further embellishment.
When Shen Wenlang calls him into the office the next day and presents him with the pen, saying it is a gift for the five years of service as his secretary, Gao Tu's surprise gives way to a mix of gratitude and guilt along with a minor stab in his heart. He does not expect Shen Wenlang to remember a work anniversary. "I'm just doing my job, but thank you," he says, sincerely. He chastises himself for his greed. He knows that he carries a certain weight with Shen Wenlang and he should be grateful to even have this much, but he knows too well that it is not the kind of significance he wishes it would be.
*
Word gets around fast. The handsome and capable leader of one of the fastest growing companies in the biotech industry has suddenly gotten over his omegaphobia and learnt to embrace the delicate experience only this special breed of people can provide. Invitations start streaming in requesting Shen Wenlang's attendance at events where promises of introductions to beautiful and eligible omegas abound, whether for business or otherwise.
Shen Wenlang himself, though, is in no mood for these nonsense. His secretary has recently passed out after being exposed to alpha pheromones on the day a crazed Sheng Shaoyou barged into HS demanding to know Hua Yong's whereabouts. The obsessive behaviour Hua Yong has induced in Sheng Shaoyou is exactly why Shen Wenlang avoids omegas like the plague. It was an utter embarrassment to see the president of the reputable Shengfang Biotech act so irrationally in public, all for one omega whom he is not even sure if he is committed to.
The truth is, Shen Wenlang only agreed to play antagonist in this diabolical courtship because Hua Yong had invested in HS at its infancy. Without Hua Yong, the company would not have taken off as quickly as it did, though Shen Wenlang was confident that it would, sooner or later. He has never been one to show his gratitude openly, but loyalty has always been his weakness.
The more he thinks about it, the more he finds something amiss. There is no reason a beta would be this affected, even if he has asthma. Could it have anything to do with the pheromones being from S-class alphas?
"I have not found any case study similar to the situation you described. It is unlikely that alpha or omega pheromones would have any significant effect on a beta, regardless of the alpha or omega's class. The beta might be somewhat affected if the scent is highly concentrated, but such scenarios are uncommon. The thresholds of betas are generally high and any discomfort would arise more from the smell than the intended effects of the pheromones," the pheromone specialist at the research and development department reports dutifully to Shen Wenlang.
Shen Wenlang files the information away in his mind. "It goes without saying that this query is confidential. There is no need to let anyone else know," he says. The researcher, conscientious and eager to please, is only glad to be of use.
Still, it does not mean anything conclusive. It could have been stress from the commotion that triggered the asthma, not the pheromones.
Now that Gao Tu is hospitalised, Shen Wenlang is starting to feel guilty for the outburst back when he found out that Gao Tu has an omega partner. Gao Tu, who hardly ever excused himself from work, had uncharacteristically taken a week off. The chief secretary informed Shen Wenlang that Gao Tu had gone to care for his omega, who was in heat. No one knew Gao Tu had a partner until then. Outwardly, Shen Wenlang showed no sign of disapproval, but the knowledge thrust upon him seeped into every fibre of his being and before he knew it, he was picking on Gao Tu for some minor mistake when he returned to work.
Watching Gao Tu try to maintain his professionalism while looking bewildered, Shen Wenlang became even more frustrated by whatever it was that overcame him. It was only decorum that kept him from lashing out further. He knew deep down that he had no right to express any indignation at what his employees did during their personal time, not even when that person was his most trusted secretary. He tried to keep the damage to a minimum and ended the conversation abruptly. "I'll be at my desk if you need me," Gao Tu said. He picked up the document on the table and slipped out of the door. Shen Wenlang remembers watching him leave, his back view forlorn and small.
*
There are days when Gao Tu almost forgets that he is an omega. There is a rush of lightness followed by a sore that radiates from the nape of his neck to his entire body. It takes just minutes for the suppressant to settle in. Then, his scent is gone.
In his adolescent years, this was necessary for survival. His gambling father would do anything to get cash and prostituting his own son was not out of the question. Gao Tu had always thought he would eventually stop when he broke free from his father's charge. By the time he could support himself and live independently, however, the beta identity seemed to have stuck onto him like skin.
He knows that a large part of why Shen Wenlang trusts him is because he is a beta, a neutral presence in which Shen Wenlang finds a sense of security. A beta would never arouse desire in an alpha by way of his scent nor be forced to grovel because of what the pheromones dictate. As a beta, Gao Tu is safe and reliable and what Shen Wenlang needs.
HS is in chaos today. The shares of the company have tumbled by twelve per cent in a week after Shengfang Biotech undercut them in three major tenders. To make matters worse, the securities regulatory commission has launched an investigation into HS for market manipulation based on reports that the failed tender bids were staged. Gao Tu has an inkling of the reason behind Shengfang's hostility, but he says nothing about it. He spends the entire day with Shen Wenlang in various meetings, helping the company put out the fire.
It is almost midnight when Gao Tu brings tea into the president's office. Shen Wenlang does not drink tea that is steeped. He likes it made by boiling the tea leaves. Over the years, Gao Tu has perfected the art of making tea catered to Shen Wenlang's specific tastes. The lights in the room are dim. Only a desk lamp illuminates the workspace before Shen Wenlang, who is reading from his computer screen, deep in concentration.
"Could you double check the revenue projections?" Shen Wenlang says without looking up. He pushes a document on the table in Gao Tu's general direction. They have a long day tomorrow meeting with investors to reassure them of the company's long-term viability, especially now that the targeted therapy for pheromone gland cancer has been approved for clinical trial. "Just do it here," Shen Wenlang adds when Gao Tu makes a move to leave.
Gao Tu has long been used to Shen Wenlang's workaholic tendencies, but it is not always that they would work like this, in the same room, sitting across each other in silence. Watching his profile casted in the light from the desk lamp, Gao Tu is reminded again of how Shen Wenlang has grown out of his boyish good looks from their university days into a fine alpha with a face that still makes his heart skip a beat.
It has been a month since Hua Yong mysteriously left HS, but Shen Wenlang does not seem the slightest bit concerned. The retaliation from Shengfang is the only reminder that the two had something going on. Was it a fling? Shen Wenlang does not seem like the sort. As his closest assistant with detailed knowledge of his daily schedule, Gao Tu has never seen him involved with anyone, not even temporarily.
Gao Tu brings his attention back to the document before him. The room is completely silent save for the occasional rustling of paper or the click of the mouse. He can hear Shen Wenlang biting into the mung bean cake that he left on a plate beside the tea. Shen Wenlang does not usually have tea with snacks, but Gao Tu has taken the liberty to include a small treat after a hard day's work.
There are a few times when Gao Tu almost feels like Shen Wenlang is looking at him, but he dares not react. He tenses for a second, fearing that his scent is emerging, but the air is clear. The one time he glances up, so very briefly, he finds Shen Wenlang still looking at the screen. Of course. Everything exists only in his imagination.
*
His role in Hua Yong's scheme to manipulate Sheng Shaoyou into becoming his lover, Shen Wenlang thinks, is becoming absurd. Not only did he have to pretend to harass a defenceless omega at work and send him to serve as an escort for non-existent X Holdings officials, he is now being asked to hold a life-saving cancer drug ransom in exchange for said omega.
"No," Shen Wenlang speaks into the phone. "Why don't you get Chang Yu to agree to his request and reveal your identity? I'm sure he will be touched by the lengths you went to develop the drug and pledge his undying love to you on the spot."
"Amateur, Wenlang. You're such an amateur," Hua Yong says with mild disdain. "There are many ways to make Mr Sheng feel indebted. You would obviously choose the most effective."
Shen Wenlang wants to smash his phone against the wall. As if it is not enough that he is not allowed to retaliate every time Sheng Shaoyou tries to pick a fight. He even has to clean up that huge corporate mess after that besotted alpha snatched his business and shorted his company's shares.
"Don't forget, I was the one who entrusted the development of the drug to you," Hua Yong says, ignoring Shen Wenlang's complaints. "Have I ever denied you anything in terms of funding or expertise when it comes to this project?"
He should have known that there is no free lunch in this world. While it is true that HS has benefitted from Hua Yong's plans, Hua Yong has always been acting for no one but himself. Still, the success of the pheromone gland cancer drug would definitely bring HS to the next level. As much as using the recovery of a cancer patient as stakes leaves a bad taste in his mouth, it would be unwise to go against Hua Yong. He surprises even himself by the amount of sympathy he has for Sheng Shaoyou and his ailing father.
Shen Wenlang feels a wave of relief wash over him when Gao Tu enters his office to consult him on a few matters at hand. The best thing about Hua Yong finally leaving HS is that he gets to have his real secretary back. Besides the business aspect of things, Gao Tu has always had a calming effect on him. His presence alone puts him at ease.
The thing about Gao Tu is, he is responsible and diligent and a constant. There is an unspoken understanding between them born out of countless hours working together. With the wisdom of experience, Gao Tu has developed a quiet confidence that sometimes makes Shen Wenlang forget that this was the timid beta who followed him around campus under the pretext of forming a study group. Back then, Shen Wenlang had excelled in chemistry and did not mind Gao Tu asking him for help. One meeting led to another and Gao Tu has been around ever since.
"The minister of trade from Country P is visiting Jianghu next month to meet with the business leaders here. Shall I put this on your agenda?" Gao Tu says.
Shen Wenlang answers in the affirmative. "You're coming with me, as usual."
Then there it is again, that faint scent clinging to Gao Tu that Shen Wenlang's alpha radar immediately picks up as an omega's scent. Watching Gao Tu go about his business, he is not sure if his secretary even realises that his partner's scent is stuck onto him. Betas may not be sensitive to scents, but alphas – and an S-class one at that – can sniff things out from a mile away.
It makes him restless.
Gao Tu catches him looking and asks, "Is anything the matter, President Shen?"
Shen Wenlang pauses for a moment, as if struck by the idea of a certain possibility. Then, he says, "No, nothing at all."
*
Gao Tu has been teetering on the edge for a while. His heats have become more irregular and his scent has sometimes spilled over even with a higher dose. The doctor whom he sees regularly has strongly advised him to stop using any form of suppressants. "Your pheromone disorder has worsened. Your scent gland is severely inflamed and you need to give it time to heal."
When he first started, he did not think about how it would end. It is not as if he has a choice now. When he takes his daily fix these days, he can feel his scent gland throbbing for longer than he is used to. Still, the evening with the minister is something he cannot miss. He braces himself when he pierces the skin on his arm with the syringe needle. Just one last time, he thinks. Then he will go on leave to recuperate.
Leaders from the top businesses in Jianghu have all graced the party being held at the lavish X Hotel. Country P has been actively looking for overseas investment opportunities lately, especially in the biotech space, and no one wants to miss out on getting on the good side of the trade minister.
At high-tier events like this, invited guests are encouraged to bring a social companion to join in the mingling. It is a norm in the business circle, partly for networking and partly for alphas to flaunt their appeal. That night, the ballroom is filled with beautiful omegas clinking glasses with alphas over charming smiles. Seducing pheromones are swirling around everywhere.
Despite having gone to numerous such events, Gao Tu still finds himself out of place beside Shen Wenlang, who has been adamant in not having omega companions for any of the events he attends. He has always brought Gao Tu along, who would dutifully help him exchange name cards, down alcohol or explain the technicalities of their business. "My secretary is good enough," he would say should anyone broach the topic. The other party would look unconvinced, as if expecting Shen Wenlang to know how to appreciate fine art.
The cocktail of scents is making Gao Tu nauseous. His lips are pale, but his expression gives nothing away.
"Why, Wenlang, I thought you changed your mind about omegas a while back," the head of sales from one of HS' suppliers says as he raises his glass for a toast. "I heard you even fought with the president of Shengfang Biotech over someone."
"That little thing has been nothing but trouble," Shen Wenlang says dismissively. "He is lucky he has a pretty face."
"I can always introduce someone. With our President Shen's calibre, the omegas who would want to be yours are as plenty as fish in the sea."
Speaking of the devil, Sheng Shaoyou appears in that moment before Shen Wenlang can reply and the business contact slips away quietly. Sheng Shaoyou is with a different omega today, probably to shield Hua Yong from unsolicited attention.
"If it isn't President Sheng," Shen Wenlang says with a smirk. "Well, have you thought about it? I think I'm being extremely generous here. One night with Hua Yong in exchange for a new frontier in pharmaceuticals. Not a bad deal, I'd say."
"Keep dreaming, Shen Wenlang," Sheng Shaoyou retorts and the exchange of insults ensue and suddenly the guests standing around the two S-class alphas are scrambling to get away as two strong waves of suppressing pheromones pour into the air.
Then it happens.
Gao Tu can feel a piercing pain in the nape of his neck as the scent of wood sage rushes forth like water behind a broken dam. Everything before him is floating. He can hear noises from the commotion and the sound of footsteps and perhaps a broken glass. In the fog of his consciousness, he remembers voices and movements and then he is in a room with Shen Wenlang, the lock clicking into place.
His back is against the door, Shen Wenlang's tall frame trapping him like a cage. It takes everything in him not to touch the alpha before him. Every cell in him is exploding. Never has he needed an alpha more than he does now. Shen Wenlang is a fusion of incense and iris and Gao Tu wants to drink it all in.
"Get away from me," Gao Tu says feverishly. He wonders what he must look like to Shen Wenlang now, eyes closed and lips apart, blazer unbuttoned and carefully ironed shirt taut against his chest with a perfectly knotted tie concealing the body on fire underneath. He feels like a sin.
He can feel Shen Wenlang raising his hands to his face but not touching him. The hands roam to his cheeks, his chest, along the length of his arms, caressing him all over without any physical contact. Gao Tu is so wet he can barely stand.
"What are you?" Shen Wenlang whispers, close enough for Gao Tu to feel his breath. Gao Tu collapses onto the ground, legs liquid like water. Shen Wenlang kneels down and pulls him close. "Tell me. What do you need?" He sounds almost desperate.
This is the closest Gao Tu has ever been to Shen Wenlang, their scents intertwining. He clutches at Shen Wenlang's arm like a lifeline. He wants to fuck, but his rational mind is screaming. He might get pregnant – What are the chances? He would ruin everything – He already did. He is going to lose his job – He is going insane. In one swift move, he shoves Shen Wenlang's sleeve up his arm and bites into the flesh. Hard.
Shen Wenlang hisses at the sharp pain but does not jerk his arm away. "Stay still," he orders. "I'm not going to mark you." He closes his mouth over the nape of Gao Tu's neck and licks at the scent gland. Gao Tu can hear his own muffled sobs as he lets Shen Wenlang bring him to a close.
When the episode subsides, neither of them moves. In his daze, Gao Tu stares at the teeth marks on Shen Wenlang's arm, blood oozing out of the small breaks in the skin, the silence in the air heavy with a realisation that they are both afraid to verbalise.
*
In the dream, he is sprinting towards his prey, which, agile as it may be, cannot outrun him. He lunges forward and pins it down and sinks his fangs into its neck. The fresh, metallic taste of blood fills his mouth. He starts ripping the carcass apart, feeding on the flesh until his hunger is satiated. There is a sweet taste of wood sage to the meat. It tastes like someone he knows. Then his stomach flips and it all comes back up.
Shen Wenlang wakes up with a start, his heart beating so fast his chest hurts.
He was twelve when he first had a similar dream. That year, his omega father had killed himself after finding out that his alpha father had a lover. His young mind struggled to process the sudden loss of the person who gave birth to him. He blamed it on the pheromones, on his alpha father's promiscuity, on his omega father's lack of willpower. The emotions were so intense that shutting down was his only defence. He remembers showing up at the funeral, unable to feel anything. Since then, he has developed a visceral reaction towards omegas. He loathes their scent. He despises the way they lose themselves when in heat, grovelling at the feet of an alpha with no pride, just to satisfy a mindless need.
Shen Wenlang feels around on the bedside table for his phone. It is three in the morning. He opens WeChat and taps on the chat log with Gao Tu, scrolling through old minutiae of their daily interactions, as if seeking some sort of comfort. He feels disoriented, like a small animal that has lost its way home.
It has been two weeks since he transferred Gao Tu out of the secretariat.
"If this is because of what happened at X Hotel, I can resign," Gao Tu had said. His voice was steady, but the apprehension on his face was clear.
Shen Wenlang blocked out any emotion bubbling under the surface. "As you already know, HS is going to start researching on how to apply its gene editing technology to the treatment of pheromone gland cancer. I need you to rotate through the departments and familiarise yourself with the people involved," he recited as a superior would to his subordinate.
He knew that there was an elephant in the room, but the easy way out was easy for a reason. He knew that Gao Tu still had to pay for his sister's medical bills and he was almost certain that no other company could offer a better salary than HS. What he did not know was this new urge that surfaced every time Gao Tu was near. The scent of wood sage lingered in his memory. So many times he had thought about crushing Gao Tu's bones and burying his face in the nape of his neck, like a drug addict, just to get a whiff of it again.
"I understand," Gao Tu said. "If there is nothing else, I will take my leave now."
Shen Wenlang did not look when Gao Tu walked out of his office that day. He was not sure if he could.
*
If Gao Tu were to pinpoint the exact moment he fell for Shen Wenlang, it would be the day they met in the convenience store where he worked part-time. He was on night shift when Shen Wenlang walked through the automatic door that sounded the bell whenever someone passed through. Gao Tu glanced up from the cashier counter, but Shen Wenlang did not see him.
Later, a customer set down two bottles of hawthorn juice on the counter. Gao Tu, who was arranging the shelves behind the counter, turned around. Shen Wenlang. "What a coincidence," the customer said, not unkindly.
It was the first time they spoke since Gao Tu saw him on stage speaking on behalf of his family's charity foundation that awarded scholarships to students in need. Gao Tu was one of the recipients. Watching Shen Wenlang speak, he felt extremely lucky to have been on the receiving end of such generosity. A respectable university degree was his only chance at getting a high-paying job to afford his sister's medical bills and escape the trap that was his father. Since then, he found himself walking past the lecture halls where Shen Wenlang would appear, like a planet drawn into an orbit around the sun, chasing after something that he could not yet name.
It was not as if the attention was not returned. Shen Wenlang had obviously noticed him. Every time, Gao Tu would look away quickly and Shen Wenlang would continue walking as if he saw nothing.
"Why do I keep seeing you everywhere?" Shen Wenlang said. Gao Tu felt his face turn warm at being found out. He grasped the two bottles of juice and scanned them quickly. "T-Twenty-four yuan, please." He could feel Shen Wenlang staring at him while opening his wallet. When he glanced up, he caught Shen Wenlang looking at him and their gaze lingered for a second too long. At this distance, Shen Wenlang looked more handsome than he remembered, setting his heart aflutter. He struggled to say something, anything, but all he could do was to watch him leave.
"Shen Wenlang." It was the first time Gao Tu called his name. It felt foreign and wrong on his tongue. "You forgot the other bottle."
"It's yours," he said, turning around, nonchalant. "You look pale. Hawthorn is good for the body. And stop stalking me."
Gao Tu remembers that night when the automatic door bell rang again and again, the disappointment in his chest when he looked up, realising it was just another stranger strolling in.
In many ways, Shen Wenlang is the same today. He has a knack of doing things that move Gao Tu without seeming like he means it. Back in Gao Tu's second year in HS, Shen Wenlang had transferred him from consulting to the secretariat and raised his salary for assisting top management, which allowed Gao Tu to rent a proper apartment in Jianghu on top of providing for his sister and giving his father an allowance. He was also the one who arranged for Gao Tu's sister to seek treatment at the renowned Heci Hospital. He always seemed to be there when Gao Tu needed help the most, but Gao Tu has never dared to think that there was more to these actions than what they were.
After all these years, he is still nineteen, a drop in the ocean of admirers looking up to Shen Wenlang from below the stage. Gao Tu knows his place. With Gao Tu, Shen Wenlang is demanding but not unreasonable. He is kind, but it is not affection. He cares, but he is not in love.
At work, things are well. No one has dared to question whether Gao Tu has fallen out of favour with the boss when he was deployed away from the secretariat. Shen Wenlang has sent him off in the name of gaining experience in a cutting edge field. With the president's personal instruction to each department on the secondment, the relevant departments have been most obliging. As far as their personal relationship goes, however, Shen Wenlang has not spoken to him for almost two months except for the obligatory exchanges during high-level strategy meetings.
"Secretary Gao, I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you due for a promotion after these rotations? It feels like President Shen is really putting you in places where it matters. I'm sure you already know by now, but our first-mover advantage in this research is huge." The chatty scientist on the research team is asking in such an earnest way that Gao Tu finds it hard to think that she is prying.
"He probably thinks I still have a lot to learn," Gao Tu says good-naturedly. He puts his laptop into his bag and smiles politely at the colleague. "I'll see you tomorrow."
As he walks out of the office building, a small sort of sorrow floats up within him. With Shen Wenlang, it has always been charity. The standstill between them feels like a breakup, but there has never been anything between them from the start.
*
Shen Wenlang normally does not interfere with Hua Yong's methods in pursuing Sheng Shaoyou, never mind his protests about having to bear the brunt of the other S-class alpha's misplaced wrath. He knows that he and Hua Yong do not see eye to eye on everything, but as long as Hua Yong does not sell him out, he is willing to go along with his games, however questionable they may be. So it comes as a surprise when he feels the need to engage Hua Yong beyond the passing sarcasm that he usually dishes out whenever the lunatic goes too far.
"What was that for?"
Shen Wenlang rises to his feet when Sheng Shaoyou passes out from the effects of the targeted seducing pheromones that Hua Yong released in the middle of a tea session between X Holdings and selected companies. As the highest authority of the powerful X Holdings, Hua Yong is sitting behind a screen that keeps his identity a secret. He was in the midst of listening to Secretary Chen of Shengfang Biotech make his pitch when he suddenly decided to induce a heat in Sheng Shaoyou in front of all the guests. A wave of suffocating suppressing pheromones launches itself into the air, most likely an uncontrollable reaction from the currently unconscious S-class alpha, causing a huge commotion. Chang Yu gives the signal to security to help the room evacuate.
"Didn't you notice that he was the only one who asked his secretary to speak on his behalf?" Hua Yong says, unconcerned. "Everyone else did it themselves."
"What has that got to do with anything?"
Shen Wenlang is only here because Hua Yong said he might find some of the companies interesting. Now, his scent gland is aching from the repelling effects of Sheng Shaoyou's pheromones like some kind of sick joke.
"He may be an S-class alpha, but with me, he can only submit. If I want him to be my exclusive omega, I need to make sure he knows who's boss."
"And you had to do this in public." Shen Wenlang gestures in the vague direction of the now vacated conference area. "This is fucked up."
"What's the matter with you today?" Hua Yong shifts his line of vision towards his co-conspirator. "I never knew you were this concerned about Mr Sheng. Don't get any ideas."
He does not care about Sheng Shaoyou all right. The alpha is already at the top of the food chain. He can fend for himself just fine. Shen Wenlang does not know why he is so worked up. He has always known it on an intellectual level, but with the haphazard mix of pheromones still harassing his senses, he is keenly aware of how vulnerable an omega can be in the face of an overpowering predator.
"Where are you going?" Shen Wenlang asks when Hua Yong gets up from his seat.
"Mr Sheng is in heat. He needs me," Hua Yong says with that smugness that he puts on whenever he gets his way.
Shen Wenlang does not want to think deeply about what that statement means. He does not want to know. "Just. Don't do anything stupid."
"Like what?" Hua Yong asks, innocently.
"Fuck off."
On an instinctive level, Shen Wenlang knows how to make an omega weak in the knees and how to make them beg. He could have them wet and wanton and eating out of the palm of his hand. As an S-class alpha, he was born to dominate. He too is at the apex of the biological and social hierarchies and the power is his to wield. He could have anyone he wants, regardless of what they wish, but he is not an animal.
*
By the fourth month that he is away, Gao Tu stops using suppressants completely. At the start, he would still rely on the inhaler. These days, he uses an inhibitor patch when he is at work, hardly visible unless someone scrutinises the back of his neck. His body is not used to it after two decades of suppressant abuse. It punishes Gao Tu with nausea and unpredictable outbreaks of fever. The doctor says this is normal. Withdrawal symptoms.
Gao Tu was nine when his mother taught him how to use suppressants to hide his identity. The inhaler is the mildest, to be used five times a day and as and when needed. The pills are one level up. One pill can last six hours. The syringe is the most effective. One shot can last twelve hours. The suppressants were his armour, protecting him from exploitation of the omega sex. What he did not know was, they had also numbed him to his most basic desires.
Liberated from the drug, Gao Tu misses Shen Wenlang like his body misses the suppressants. He accidentally presses the lift button to the top floor on certain days, before quickly realising his mistake and getting off on the correct floor. He sometimes ends up making tea when he means to make coffee for himself. For no reason in particular, he still writes meeting notes as if he is going to report the key points to someone.
Then there are nights when the feelings overcome him. He is alone in his longing when he curls up in bed, imagining the warmth of Shen Wenlang's chest pressed against his back, his arms around his waist, holding him to sleep. Guilt creeps up on him when he wakes up the next day, feeling like he has violated someone just by indulging in the images in his mind.
With the free time from not having to work after hours, Gao Tu finds himself wandering into a bookstore one evening after work, before going to visit his sister at the hospital. A magazine with a bright blue cover catches his eye. It is a travel guide with a collection of essays and pictures on the scenic coastlines around the world. Gao Tu has never travelled for leisure before. He considers himself lucky enough to be able to visit other cities for business. He wonders what it would be like to go somewhere with Shen Wenlang without any agenda, just the two of them. Then he realises how farfetched his thoughts have become. He buys the magazine anyway.
"A penny for your thoughts," Gao Qing says when Gao Tu brings out a warm bowl of noodles from the thermal bag. "You're a little quiet today."
"Am I?" Gao Tu reassures his sister with a smile. "I got to leave work early today, so I had time to queue up for your favourite food."
"Brother, did something happen at work?"
Gao Tu is not the sort to share his worries with other people, but his sister has always been perceptive.
"No, of course not. What made you say that?"
"You don't seem like yourself lately. I thought something happened."
"No, nothing happened. Things are fine," Gao Tu says, putting in his best effort to look cheerful for his sister. Things have always been fine.
*
Ever since Gao Tu was transferred out, his workload has been divided among the remaining staff in the secretariat. Even though everyone is doing their job to the best of their ability, no one knows Shen Wenlang like Gao Tu does. They are unfamiliar with his peculiar preferences. They cannot guess his intention from the slightest change in tone or expression. Shen Wenlang knows this is his own doing, but it still frustrates him how laborious working with his other subordinates is. When he flares up for the third time in an internal meeting, the chief secretary gently suggests that he take the rest of the day off.
He ends up slipping into one of the exclusive bars owned by X Holdings and drinking by himself in the evening. A few omegas try to strike a conversation with him, but he ignores them all. Then another one comes and sits beside him. There is a note in her scent that is reminiscent of the one that has been on his mind all this while. "Care for a dance, handsome?" she says, setting her glass down on the counter.
Maybe he is already tipsy or maybe he is momentarily disarmed, he lets her guide him towards the floor where people are swaying to slow jazz. She places his hand on the small of her back and pulls him towards her. At this distance, he can smell her clearly. In his alcohol-addled mind, he tries to grasp at a certain scent that keeps eluding him. She leans in and says, "You look so lonely tonight." She almost pulls him into an embrace when he suddenly realises what she is doing and wrests himself out of her arms. "I need to go." He fumbles with his phone and speed-dials his driver to pick him up.
When he reaches home, Shen Wenlang stumbles into his study half drunk and knocks a few books off the bookshelf. He discards his blazer and picks up the books when one title catches his eye. He remembers this book. He had grabbed it from a bookstore in an airport, thinking he would read it on the flight but never got around to it. Out of curiosity, he flips it open and starts reading, sitting on the floor with his back against the bookshelf. After a while, the lines of text start to float away from the page. He remembers the last thing he reads before succumbing to sleep.
Everything in the universe possesses the alpha and the omega. The alpha leads, the omega follows. The alpha gives, the omega receives. In receiving, the omega gives. In giving, the alpha receives. To reject one is to deny the other. There is no alpha without the omega and no omega without the alpha.
*
Gao Tu is enveloped in the thick scent of wood sage when he experiences one of the worst heats in recent months. His body burns with high fever as he falls in and out of sleep with fragmented dreams. It is almost as if his omega identity is being reborn after having been killed off for so many years. Now he is lying in bed, sweet and ripe, the warmth of his body preparing him for a finish that will never come. He wonders what it must feel like to have an alpha open him up and fit into him, but there is ever only one whom he is yearning for.
He thinks he must be hallucinating when he hears someone knocking on the door.
"President Shen?" Gao Tu says weakly, holding the door frame for support. "What brings you here?"
"I heard you went on leave again."
"Sorry, I've been feeling under the weather. I'll be back next week. Is anything the matter?"
"Can I come in?"
Never mind that they have been apart for six months since that day at X Hotel. Never mind that Gao Tu is currently feeling extremely compromised.
"The apartment is quite messy. I haven't had time –"
"Are you staying alone?"
Gao Tu hesitates for a long moment, then, "Yes."
Shen Wenlang brings with him a flask of black chicken soup. Good for nourishing the blood, he says, placing it on the counter in the kitchenette. As if out of habit, Gao Tu starts scrambling in his mind about how he should explain the scent that is filling every corner of the room.
"You're sick again," Shen Wenlang says without wasting a single minute. Gao Tu immediately looks down at the floor when Shen Wenlang turns to face him.
"You're in heat," he says, softly this time.
"So you know."
"I do."
"Then all the more you shouldn't be here. Don't you know that it's dangerous –"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"How could I?" Gao Tu closes his eyes. His voice is trembling. Tears fall like raindrops on his cheeks. "You hate omegas."
The silence between them explains more than they can ever say.
"I don't hate you," comes a whisper.
Gao Tu can feel two hands removing his spectacles and setting them aside. A pair of strong arms wrap around him and bring him close. Shen Wenlang buries his face in Gao Tu's neck and murmurs, "I've missed you."
Pheromones rush into the air like the burst of a fountain from the natural pull between an alpha and an omega, weaving themselves into an intricate web that falls on them like a blanket. Gao Tu cannot help the seducing pheromones that keep spilling out of him. He wants so much for Shen Wenlang to stay. "Yes," Shen Wenlang whispers, already tonguing his neck. "Yes, I want it too."
A decade's worth of fatigue seeps into Gao Tu's bones when he lets Shen Wenlang carry him to the bed and peel off all the layers between them until all there is left are their scorching souls. The fever from his heat is white-hot.
"You're my first, you know that?" Shen Wenlang is hovering on top, his eyes serious and certain. He looks aggressive and vulnerable at the same time.
"What about –"
"Fuck that lunatic." Shen Wenlang brushes his thumb across Gao Tu's cheek. "Do you trust me?"
He does. He does, he does, he does.
Shen Wenlang feels like a dream. Gao Tu puts his hands on Shen Wenlang's chest, careful and reverent, as if fearing that everything is a mirage. His body is lean and defined, lines converging at a point that reminds Gao Tu of mermen. He has always known Shen Wenlang to be heartbreakingly handsome, but he does not know that he can be so much more. He does not deserve this, but Shen Wenlang is already beside his ear, whispering sweet nothings to him until he is all milk and honey.
These are Shen Wenlang's hands kneading his chest, curious and eager. It is his tongue rolling the pearl of a nipple around, over and over until Gao Tu sighs and whimpers and sobs. Just the thought of Shen Wenlang touching him makes Gao Tu so light-headed it feels like swimming in clouds. Your cheeks are red, like roses, Shen Wenlang says. He kisses along the artery on the neck as Gao Tu tilts his head back with his eyes closed, like a petal in bloom. Then he kisses Gao Tu, swallowing the sounds that Gao Tu makes, and Gao Tu responds with a sort of hunger Shen Wenlang has never known.
Shen Wenlang licks along the shell of an ear and sucks gently on the soft lobe. Gao Tu wonders if he might die just from being touched like this. Spread your legs for me, Shen Wenlang whispers and Gao Tu almost finishes from the words alone. Shen Wenlang, Gao Tu whines, turning his head to look away, embarrassed. I'm here, Shen Wenlang says, letting Gao Tu hold his hand. Do you want to stop? Gao Tu shakes his head. He opens himself up slowly as Shen Wenlang kisses the inside of his thighs. He has never felt so exposed before. He makes noises like a small animal when Shen Wenlang strokes him until he makes a mess of himself.
Put it on for me, Shen Wenlang says. Gao Tu's eyes flutter open. The fact that he came prepared. Gao Tu keeps his hands from shaking when he helps Shen Wenlang roll on the protective layer, feeling the alpha swell even more under his touch. Shen Wenlang grabs him by the wrist and pulls him close and whispers against his neck, I want you so much it hurts.
Gao Tu wants to cry when Shen Wenlang rides him, strong and decisive and relentless. It feels like being seasick on a vessel sailing across turbulent seas. He feels so full and fulfilled, so much more than anything he imagined during the heats he endured alone. A sheen of sweat is forming on Shen Wenlang's back and Gao Tu has to sink his nails in to keep his hands from slipping, leaving small crescents on the skin. Shen Wenlang's tongue is everywhere, on his chest, along his neck, in his mouth. Fuck, Gao Tu, he curses when Gao Tu wraps his legs tighter around the waist, taking in more of him. You're so –
So erotic. So devastating.
Shen Wenlang locks their hands together in a prayer as he buries himself deeper. His movements are intense and controlled and it is not enough. I don't want to hurt you, he says when Gao Tu pleads with him to go even faster. He kisses Gao Tu's jaw and throat and collar bone, gentle enough to soothe, and Gao Tu touches his face and looks at him, feverish with love and lust. I'm not going to break so easily, he says. Shen Wenlang pauses for a moment, then says, hold on to me tight. He kisses Gao Tu on the back of the hand and surrenders to the alpha in him. Gao Tu takes everything Shen Wenlang has to give. All of it.
He bites down on Shen Wenlang's shoulder when they fall off the edge, an earthquake rippling through their bodies until all that linger are the scents of iris and sage.
Afterwards, Shen Wenlang kisses him slowly, stroking his hair. In their delirium, Gao Tu has somehow agreed to let Shen Wenlang mark him. Come to me next time. Let me make love to you again, Shen Wenlang murmurs, kissing the skin beside the wound.
Gao Tu touches the temporary mark on the nape of his neck, his fingers touching blood. Shen Wenlang's mark. Something like joy starts spreading within his chest, making him a little shy. He kisses Shen Wenlang gently on the lips then burrows into his arms, letting the sound of heartbeat lull him into slumber.
*
Shen Wenlang first noticed the clarity in Gao Tu's eyes on a nondescript evening in their first year in university. At the time, he had somehow allowed Gao Tu to follow him around and found it worth his while to help the beta with his assignments. Gao Tu majored in biology, but chemistry had been his weakness. Shen Wenlang, who studied chemical engineering, found it amusing that Gao Tu would struggle with something he could so effortlessly understand.
That evening, Gao Tu had received a phone call from his father asking for money to gamble. Shen Wenlang had noticed the look of apprehension on his face when he came back from taking the call. It was only when Shen Wenlang pressed the issue did he mention what happened. Even then, he did not say much.
"It isn't something pleasant. I wouldn't want to bother you with something like that," Gao Tu said.
"So your father is a jerk too."
Gao Tu was quiet for a while before asking, "Are you on bad terms with your father?"
"I don't have a father."
Since his omega father died, Shen Wenlang had stopped talking to his alpha father. After he graduated from high school, he applied to one of the universities in Jianghu to get away from Country P. His alpha father, perhaps in an attempt to maintain a connection, had instructed the family's charity foundation to give out scholarships at the university. Shen Wenlang's communication with the foundation director was the only link he had with the family.
Shen Wenlang remembers the look in Gao Tu's eyes, curious and compassionate. It was in that moment that he was struck by how beautiful those eyes were and how quickly he had to guard against them from touching the softest spot inside of him. He suddenly understood why he was drawn to Gao Tu when they seemed to belong to two different worlds. Gao Tu understood his loneliness. This was why he could sit beside Shen Wenlang for hours on end, not saying a word unless Shen Wenlang wanted the conversation, soothing Shen Wenlang with his presence, even if they were doing something as mundane as poring over dry academic texts.
"I understand if you don't want to say more, but I'm willing to listen," Gao Tu said and they left it at that.
Fast forward to graduation day four years later, Shen Wenlang had thought he and Gao Tu would walk out of campus together, maybe talk about their future plans over a nice dinner, but Gao Tu had disappeared without a word. He received a text message one week later from Gao Tu, saying he had to miss the graduation ceremony because something came up and asking to keep in touch. Shen Wenlang never did reply. He did not know it then, but it had always been like this. If he pushed people away first, they would never have the chance to abandon him. If he never got too close, the inevitable separation would not hurt as much. If he could predict every heartbreak, no one could ever break his heart.
Later, much later, he discovered that Gao Tu had joined the consulting department at HS. He did not find out if it was intentional or a coincidence. Regardless, Gao Tu had somehow found his way back to him.
Shen Wenlang feels like twenty-two again when he deliberates on the text message that he is drafting, making sure he sounds in equal parts sincere and casual. He is all butterflies when he presses send, not at all certain how his intended recipient would respond.
*
So they start from the beginning.
Gao Tu is Shen Wenlang's secretary again. He finds himself startled when Shen Wenlang walks to his desk on a Friday evening, asking him if he is ready to go. He can feel the other staff in the secretariat looking in their direction or pretending not to look. Even though Gao Tu knew in advance that he would be having dinner with Shen Wenlang, he cannot help the faint flutter in his heart when the two of them walk out together, nodding at colleagues who pass them by. There is no agenda tonight. It is not about work.
These days, Shen Wenlang still calls Gao Tu into his office whenever he needs something, but he would ask if Gao Tu can stay for a while. They would have lunch together every so often, at restaurants with dishes that Gao Tu mentioned in passing that he would like to try. Then there are the late nights. Shen Wenlang would insist on sending him home, even though Gao Tu says there really is no need to go through the trouble.
The involvement with Hua Yong has also been explained, as wild as the story is. Gao Tu is amused when Shen Wenlang complains to him about Hua Yong ordering him to deliver fish soup to Sheng Shaoyou in the hospital. Gao Tu offers to place an order for the dish with the restaurant like the dutiful secretary that he is. Shen Wenlang explains that the trip is strictly business and Gao Tu can only hide his smile and reassure him, "I know, I know."
The irony of feeling like happiness is within reach is that it could just be a magical illusion. Gao Tu thinks it is almost masochistic to remind himself that this could be a phase that Shen Wenlang is going through. Perhaps he would wake up one day and realise what he is doing and snap out of it. Yet there is nothing Gao Tu can grasp at now to persuade himself that it is something else.
It is raining that night when Shen Wenlang sends him home. Gao Tu lives in one of the cheaper neighbourhoods at the fringe of the city. The carpark is in the open air. Shen Wenlang wants to take an umbrella and walk Gao Tu to his doorstep, so they huddle together and side-step the puddles until they reach the apartment block. Shen Wenlang makes sure Gao Tu is in a dry spot before he closes the umbrella and they shake off the water droplets clinging to their clothes. They walk up the stairs, all the way to Gao Tu's apartment, and Gao Tu waits for the moment when they would say goodbye. It does not happen.
Instead, Shen Wenlang leans in and Gao Tu flinches before he realises what he just did.
"President Shen –"
"We're not in the office anymore."
"Shen Wenlang." Gao Tu looks at him and sees fear and hope and uncertainty and courage shining in his eyes.
"Yes?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I'm in love," Shen Wenlang says with a slight tremble in his voice. "I'm in love with you."
This time, it is Gao Tu who draws them close and Shen Wenlang kisses him, sucking gently on his lower lip until he lets Shen Wenlang explore his mouth. He closes his eyes and feels the softness of the tongue inside him, the comfort of Shen Wenlang's scent. This time, Gao Tu realises all he has to do is to stand there as he is and let Shen Wenlang love him.
*
Family has always been a foreign concept to Shen Wenlang. It occurs to him when Gao Tu asks him one afternoon when they are spending time at his place if he would ever want a child of his own. He thinks he knows why Gao Tu is asking. He has been careful not to subject Gao Tu to the risk of pregnancy, but only because Gao Tu is still recovering from the effects of the pheromone disorder. Just the thought of Gao Tu loading himself with suppressants on a daily basis in the past is like a twist of the knife in his chest.
"If it's yours," Shen Wenlang says, surprising himself. The idea of creating a new life and being responsible for it is unknown to him. He never had role models to learn from. For years, he told himself repeatedly that he was unloved as a child. Even as the intellectual part of his brain knows that there were reasons for how his parents turned out, the emotional damage has already been branded into his subconsciousness.
"I know it may be a bit early to ask, but things may get complicated if I get pregnant on accident," Gao Tu says.
"Things have always been simple," Shen Wenlang says firmly. He needs to put a stop to this line of thought. "I want you, with or without a child."
With Gao Tu, everything changes. Shen Wenlang has never considered any situation in which his commitment to Gao Tu would change. He thinks about the darkest nights when he would curl up on the floor, wishing there was someone who would accept him as he is, including his brokenness and fears and distorted ways of expressing himself. Now he wants to give Gao Tu and everything that is a part of him a safe place to rest.
"Would you –" Gao Tu is pressing his lips into a line, as if finding it hard to continue speaking.
"You can tell me anything," Shen Wenlang encourages him.
"Would you want to –" Gao Tu's face is flushed. Shen Wenlang looks at him earnestly. Gao Tu leans in and whispers, "Would you want to finish inside?" And Shen Wenlang feels all the blood drain from the organ that facilitates rational thought.
"I want it only when you're ready," he says and means it, despite his instincts. "Just give me the word. It doesn't have to be now. It doesn't have to be any time soon. I'll wait."
"Besides," Shen Wenlang continues, with a hint of mischief. "I like how you look like a mess when I come on your thighs."
Gao Tu buries his face in Shen Wenlang's chest as a flame creeps up to the tips of his ears, even though he says nothing in protest. The self-conscious reaction arouses Shen Wenlang more than he already is, but he thinks they are good. He is content to stay like this with Gao Tu all day, talking about anything and everything until the moon comes out. Then they will have dinner – Xiang cuisine, Gao Tu's favourite – and spend the evening reading or completing a jigsaw puzzle. They will have a warm bath before bed and kiss until they fall asleep in each other's arms.
*
The sky is cloudless and a watery blue on the day Gao Qing is discharged from hospital. She hooks one arm around Gao Tu's as they wait for Shen Wenlang to pick them up. Before today, Gao Tu had told his sister that he would be renting a larger apartment for both of them. It was then when she told him that she had been accepted for dormitory residence in university. "You've been caring for me all these years, Brother. I'm a grown-up now. I hope you can be free to live your own life," she said. Gao Qing had stood firm on her decision. She refused to let Gao Tu make any more compromises for her.
Shen Wenlang had offered to let Gao Tu and his sister stay at his spare condominium unit until school starts. That evening, Gao Tu prepares dinner for the three of them with the help of Shen Wenlang, who has taken the day off for the occasion. Watching his sister eat, Gao Tu is struck by how much she has grown. There is a healthy colour on her cheeks now that she has recovered and he thinks about all the adventures that await her as her life unfolds.
He watches Shen Wenlang try to answer his sister's questions about how they came together, taking care to paint a picture that reassures the young alpha that her brother would be well taken care of. The scene before him looks surreal. Here they are, the two people he loves the most, together with him, healthy and alive.
For the past ten years, Gao Tu has been so focused on securing a stable life for himself and his sister that he has almost given up on imagining life as anything else. His father is absent. His mother is deceased. He has struggled with his identity for as long as he can remember. How many decades does one have in their lifetime? Gao Tu is suddenly realising the weight of duty he has been carrying all these years. He suddenly feels weary. He thinks he may fall into a deep sleep if he closes his eyes.
"Little Bunny. Can I call you Little Bunny?" Shen Wenlang's voice cuts through his thoughts. "Xiaoqing said that was your childhood nickname."
"Xiaoqing, why did you tell him that?" Gao Tu admonishes, feeling his cheeks turn slightly warm. When he was a child, his mother would call him that. Those short-lived simple days before he was forced to become an adult. He thinks about being Shen Wenlang's Little Bunny, about being cared for in the way he had dreamed of as a child. Yes, he allows himself to think. Yes, he would like that.
Later that night, after they clean up together and Shen Wenlang takes his leave early so that the siblings can spend some time, Gao Tu helps his sister unpack in her room. She asks him what he would like to do when she leaves for university in another city. "Travel, perhaps. I'd like to go see the ocean," Gao Tu says. He is remembering he used to have an interest in photography. Maybe he can pick it up properly now.
Gao Qing leaves one month later. Shen Wenlang accompanies Gao Tu to see her off at the train station. He helps them take photos so that Gao Tu will have something to look at when she is away. They stroll around until it is time to get onto the platform and Gao Qing gives her brother a goodbye hug. "Promise me one thing," she says, pulling back to take a good look at Gao Tu and give him a bright smile. "That you will hold on to the happiness that you deserve."
*
In August, Shen Wenlang goes on a vacation for the first time since he founded HS. He delegates all of his and Gao Tu's work and blocks off a week for the two of them. The day before departure, he leaves a few instructions with the chief secretary and switches his phone to airplane mode. Nothing, not even Hua Yong threatening to destroy HS, will have his attention.
They travel to a remote island where colourful fish swim in turquoise waters. Shen Wenlang had seen the photos when Gao Tu showed him the place in a magazine with a bright blue cover, saying it would be nice to visit one day. He rents a villa with a glass wall in the spacious bedroom that overlooks the sea, where they can watch the sky and the waters change colours if they stay in all day. Food is provided for by two private chefs who would bring fresh fish from the island and other ingredients to the villa to cook when asked. Shen Wenlang has arranged for the chefs to stay at a nearby lodging for convenience, but far away enough to maintain their privacy.
He finds Gao Tu by the viewing wall, admiring the sea. "Do you like it?" "Yes, very much. It's more than what I could ask for." They have plans to go out to sea to fish, to visit a local market selling fruits. Shen Wenlang has gifted Gao Tu a camera for the trip and they are going to go around and take photos.
"Little Bunny, my love," Shen Wenlang says, wrapping his arms around Gao Tu from behind and breathing in the sweet scent of sage in the crook of his neck. "Let me come inside you tonight."
He is finally asking because Gao Tu has recently said he is willing, all shy and fumbling. At first, Shen Wenlang was even worried that Gao Tu might be doing this to please him. "No, I want to explore – with you," Gao Tu had said. "I want to know you more. I want you to –" and he was too reserved to finish the sentence, but Shen Wenlang was already holding him, swaying him from side to side, dizzy with happiness.
The chances of pregnancy are low, at least until Gao Tu recovers, according to the doctor. They will leave the child to the natural course. Shen Wenlang had promised Gao Tu they will give their child the best if it comes.
Gao Tu whirls around to look at Shen Wenlang, who is putting on his good boy face and holding Gao Tu's hands. The point-blank statement makes Gao Tu blush, but his smile is knowing. He leans in and asks, not at all related to matters of geography, "Is there going to be a high tide tonight?"
It is all Shen Wenlang can think about for the rest of the day, even as he wills himself to keep up with Gao Tu's enthusiasm for sightseeing.
They come back in the late afternoon with a bag of summer plums, which they enjoy after a bath. They are sitting on the floor at the glass wall again, watching the sea. Gao Tu is sitting with his legs opened up in a butterfly stretch. Shen Wenlang watches him bite into a cleanly washed plum. A water droplet slides off the smooth skin of the fruit. "Feed me," Shen Wenlang says, feigning petulance.
Gao Tu is making that expression again, the one where he looks put on the spot when Shen Wenlang teases him. "Here," he says, picking up another plum and putting it in front of Shen Wenlang's mouth, but Shen Wenlang catches his wrist and puts the fruit back into the bowl. "No," he says. "This." He pulls Gao Tu close and bites down gently on his soft, full lips, tasting the real sweetness of summer.
Later, he ends up pressing Gao Tu against the glass wall as they meld into each other, hands everywhere, when Gao Tu suddenly stops and says, "Will anyone see?" The villa is completely inaccessible to outsiders and facing the sea. "Only the seafarers," Shen Wenlang says on purpose, even though he is almost certain that there will not be any ships. He indulges in the moment when Gao Tu looks hesitant. "No one will see us. I'll draw the curtains if you don't want it," Shen Wenlang reassures him. "No, I want it," Gao Tu says, his boldness surprising them both.
The sun disappearing over the horizon is on fire, burning the sky in an intense orange hue. Gao Tu's cheeks are the colour of sunset when Shen Wenlang takes him. He watches the waves roll like the rise and fall of their bodies, his breaths coming out as small clouds on the glass against the sky that is now a gradient of peach and purple. "The sunset –" The words tumble out of his mouth as Shen Wenlang plasters their hands on the glass. "It's beautiful." The moment is theirs alone in the wide open view. The sea opens up before them, reflecting the vivid sky above, sunlight bouncing off the water surface like golden crystals. Shen Wenlang turns and kisses Gao Tu on the cheek and says, "So are you."
He bends Gao Tu over when the last light fades away. The position would have made Gao Tu embarrassed if not for the cover of darkness. Shen Wenlang holds that narrow waist down. Watching Gao Tu beneath him, pushing against the glass for support, he cannot help but pick up pace until he is all rapid-fire, forcing sounds out of Gao Tu that are almost primal. He is on the verge of losing himself when they collapse against the glass, hearts pounding, but he is still sober enough to put his arms around Gao Tu to cushion him from the hard surface.
Gao Tu leans in, limbs slippery from sweat, and says, "I want more." "How much more?" Shen Wenlang's voice is on the edge of a growl. He is more of an alpha now and less of himself. "Can I fuck you senseless?" The scent of wood sage is not just coming in waves now. It is a tsunami and Shen Wenlang is drowning. Gao Tu holds his face and kisses him, sensual and wanting. Yes, anything you want.
He takes Gao Tu to the hilt. In one swift motion, he lifts Gao Tu's ankles onto his shoulders folds him into half. They are on the bed now and Shen Wenlang can't remember how they ended up here. He can feel his control slipping as Gao Tu milks him and swallows him deeper and he doesn't realise he is pounding into an intoxicating warmth until he suddenly grasps Gao Tu's hands and says I love you I love you I love you and buries his face in the shoulder as he fills Gao Tu to the brim. Everything is bursting. Everything overflows. He is sobbing as Gao Tu holds him and tells him, it's okay, Wenlang, it's okay.
Outside, the stars are silent in the brilliant night sky, keeping vigil over them.
Gao Tu looks exceptionally tender when Shen Wenlang brushes his damp hair out of the way and kisses his forehead. He still has that irrational fear of what is inside of him, of what he could become. He does not tell Gao Tu this, but Gao Tu is already caressing his face, his touch gentle like salvation, whispering, I love you, too.
*
On the last day of their vacation, they walk through a mountain path at four in the morning towards a clearing that overlooks the sea. Gao Tu can smell the salt in the sea breeze when they arrive at the cliff, listening to the waves breaking on the rocks hundreds of metres below. The air is chilly. Gao Tu flips the collar of his jacket up to cover his face from the wind. Beside him, Shen Wenlang is rubbing his hands and blowing air on them to keep warm. Gao Tu takes Shen Wenlang's hands and rubs them in his own.
"Do you feel warmer?" Gao Tu asks. Shen Wenlang nods. His hair is tousled in the wind and Gao Tu is struck by how handsome he still is.
They wait in silence, keeping each other warm, until the first light illuminates the horizon. A perfect orange sphere climbs gradually into the sky. Everywhere the light touches turns into gold. Gao Tu turns to look at Shen Wenlang in the exact moment Shen Wenlang does the same and he never thought his heart would beat like this again, like the moment he fell in love when their eyes first met.
Shen Wenlang holds their hands together. His hands still feel cold even though the sun is out. Gao Tu feels his heart beating even faster, as if it knows what is about to happen before he does. Shen Wenlang looks at him, his eyes serious and sincere, and says, "Gao Tu, let me take care of you from now on. Let me be your anchor and your harbour."
In that moment, Gao Tu cannot find the words. He brings Shen Wenlang's hand towards his chest and rests the palm on where his heart is. "But I have nothing worthy to give you. I have nothing except for this."
The warmth of sunlight is gentle on their skin. Gao Tu starts thinking about love, not in terms of years or decades but lifespans, enough to last through seasons and age. Shen Wenlang takes Gao Tu by the hand and kisses the inside of the wrist, the back of the hand. He pledges himself in the form a pure silver band that he slips around Gao Tu's ring finger. Forever is a nebulous concept, so he says every day instead. Today, and the next, and every single day after. When Gao Tu embraces him, it feels like being surrounded by light, comforting and hopeful and warm.