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Yeosang knew Jongho had been in pain for a while, for years even. He’d seen their youngest limp out of more practices than he’d care to count. He’d seen him lean against the wall as soon as they’d turn the corner off-stage, always waiting to be out of sight of any cameras, never willing to show the world that something was wrong. But Jongho would be there leaning against the wall, willing his knee to stop spasming in pain, hitting the twitching muscles with his fist, doing anything to get his knee working enough to reach their waiting room.
Yeosang knew all of this, as did Hongjoong, and their managers, and their CEO. Yet, they kept scheduling them, and scheduling them, and scheduling them.
By the start of the third leg of their world tour, all of their bodies were broken down in some way. They were reaching their breaking point months ago – long before Wooyoung hurt his ankle even.
Yet, Yeosang was still shocked when Jongho went down with a shout at rehearsals in Los Angeles. Yeosang stopped as soon as the noise reached his ears and turned to look at Jongho. His face was scrunched up in pain, chin held high, as if willing the tears to stay away by the sheer power of gravity. His arms were wrapped around his bad knee and his shoulders were trembling. Yeosang had never seen him this close to tears, let alone in public.
Yeosang wanted to run to him and hold him through his pain, but three other members were already surrounding him. He didn’t want to crowd their youngest, knowing that he’d hate to be fussed over. Even if he needed it at that moment.
Instead, he turned to leave the studio to grab the managers to get Jongho to the hospital.
As managers came and went, and the American paramedics finally arrived, Yeosang stood off to the side, under San’s arm who had tears silently running down his face. Jongho, on the other hand, never let a tear fall despite the immense amount of pain he must have been in.
Jongho was finally loaded onto a stretcher, his knee stabilized in some contraption. When they rolled Jongho by where Yeosang and San were standing off to the side, Yeosang moved to grab Jongho’s hand, finding himself needing to touch the other, not knowing if he needed to reassure himself or the youngest.
Jongho squeezed his hand back and let out a “Fighting, hyungs,” accompanied by a pained smile. Only then, did Yeosang let out a choked sob and a tear rolled down his cheek. He let go of Jongho’s hand as the paramedics rolled him out of the studio. He felt San turn to him and wipe the tears off his face, but Yeosang just watched the door close behind the stretcher.
“We’re ending here for today. Go back to your rooms and please take care of yourselves. I’ll let you know when I know something,” Hongjoong said to the members left in the studio.
Using the arm wrapped around his shoulders, San pulled Yeosang out the door and toward the hotel and a promised too-short rest.
----------
Jongho was sent back to Korea for surgery and recovery. The rest of them prepared to leave for Mexico because there was no stopping. It’s all they knew.
This meant extra rehearsals to shift formations to close the gap Jongho left behind. The worst part of Yeosang wanted to throw his phone down and run and hide and cry at the unfairness of yet another thing on his calendar and more hours practicing, wearing down his body.
But he kept this part to himself. Instead, he nodded politely at the manager, started to pack his bag, and texted Jongho to have a safe flight and surgery and to not forget to take his vitamins.
The message wasn't delivered until many hours later, and by that time, Yeosang was on a flight of his own.
When they landed in Mexico City, he opened his phone to a simple, “Thanks hyung” from Jongho.
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Yeosang was prepared for the concerts to not feel right without their main vocalist. Jongho is their sound. He is their anchor on stage. The sheer power of his voice echoes off of every surface in the arena. It never wavers, and most impressively, never breaks.
But he underestimated just how weird it would be to only have Jongho’s backtrack echoing around the arena. He almost falters during their opening duet in New World. After so many performances, he’s used to that note belted into his ear. He gets through the harmony with the backtrack, thankfully, and finds himself falling into the joys of performing as he always does.
Until they get to Wave. Specifically, their part of Wave. He knows there are compilations of him twirling around the other and of them pulling on each other’s clothes.
He finds himself in the center of the arena by himself. He doesn’t really know what to do. He could twirl around by himself. Or do a cool dance. But that doesn’t feel right.
Before the decision is even a complete thought in his brain he finds his arms moving to air hug the missing Jongho. He spins to the side of the center stage and feels a blush creep up his neck.
The concert continues.
----------
Their first day off in South America is a blessing. Yeosang spends almost the entire time in bed. Except for a quick arm session in the gym, he lays in bed switching between playing games online, reading, and watching mindless TV.
It’s wonderful. He barely moves. He barely talks to anyone. He barely thinks. It’s exactly what he needs.
It’s the early hours of the morning and he’s on episode 5 of some show when he hears his phone buzz. He looks away from his laptop to find his phone but the rest of the room is blurry. When his eyes focus, he sees a video of himself air hugging the missing Jongho during the concert.
Jongho: This is cute hyung
Jongho: I miss you too
Yeosang can’t help but smile. Jongho has a Tik Tok addiction he won’t admit to. It’s how he knows every popular choreography on variety shows.
He tries to think of a witty response, but after a day of saying less than 10 words in conversation, he can’t think of anything good. So he sends a heart. A minute later of trying to focus back on his show, it doesn’t feel like enough.
Yeosang: How are you feeling?
Jongho: I mean I’m in a lot of pain. But surgery went well
Jongho: My mom is taking good care of me at home
Yeosang: That’s good I hope you’re being a good patient
Jongho: Of course and I’ll make sure she brings me my vitamins
That makes Yeosang smile.
Yeosang: Good
Jongho: You get some sleep too hyung
Yeosang agrees it’s probably time to put away the laptop so he gets himself ready for bed.
----------
Sounds are less loud and lights are less bright the next day at the airport. He feels refreshed enough to not feel overwhelmed by the flashing lights, the screaming fans, the fighting for space between managers. He can joke around with the other members. He doesn’t need to shrug off San or Wooyoung’s hands when they find him in the waiting area.
Yeosang spends the next off-day in South America doing the same thing. Yet, by the late afternoon, he’s restless and can’t focus on his anime. His legs are twitchy and his back is sore and he can’t get comfortable despite how plush and inviting this hotel’s mattress is. He’s already done a longer workout today so it’s not like he’s itching to expel energy. Maybe the mattress is too soft. He decides that’s the problem and grabs a pillow next to him to prop himself up further to protect his spine.
Once adjusted, he sees his phone and grabs it. The only notification is from his sister - probably a meme or cute animal photo. He wonders what the rest of the members are up to, but doesn’t feel like asking. He looks out the window and sees that it’s still daylight.
Usually on days off, he doesn’t like to go out to explore the city until the sun’s gone down when it’s easier to hide under hoods and beanies and masks. He used to get restless inside all day, itching to explore the cities with his friends and members. Wooyoung would come to him and they’d grab a manager and walk around until their feet felt like they’d fall off.
But as they grew in popularity, and their anonymity started to disappear, those days would end with Yeosang hyperventilating in a bathroom somewhere. He’d clam up when surrounded by fans on a hot, foreign street. He’d get dizzy and snappy with his friends. He’d have to call an uber to drive him home, more often than not having to pull whoever was with him back to the hotel.
This wore on everyone. He could tell from the frustrated sighs of his friends and managers, the calming gestures sent his way if he responded to someone in a clipped tone. His silence when surrounded by fans, leaving whoever was with him to carry the burden. He wasn’t oblivious to the fact that it was hard on everyone. So he stopped going out with them during the day. And slowly they stopped asking.
Now, they’re long settled into their travel routines. His usually starts with him sleeping in as long as his body lets him before heading down to the gym. Jongho almost always joins him; they never plan it, but their internal schedules line up. They part ways to shower and nap, and sometime later, Jongho finds him and they play video games or watch dramas until the sun goes down. Then, they’ll grab managers and whoever is around to try a local dinner. The days are almost always quiet and slow just like he needs them, unless someone finds an experience too cool to pass up. It hits him when he’s 20 more minutes into his episode but with no recollection of what happened, just exactly why he’s restless today. Jongho is missing from his routine.
There’s no one to count reps in the gym with. No one to play video games with, and he doesn’t dare ask Yunho. No one to drag him out to dinner for fresh air and to explore the city. Hell, there’s no one to even ask him if he wants to.
He again looks at his phone but there aren’t any more updates. He checks the locations of his members. They’re scattered in duos around the city so he can’t ask anyone to go out with him now. Yeosang doesn’t hold it against them. They know his preferences just like he knows theirs. But his preference isn’t possible right now.
Not for the first time since Jongho flew back home, Yeosang wishes he was here.
He moves to open his conversation with him. There haven’t been any new messages since the last day off. Yeosang’s fingers hover over the keyboard for a moment but he can’t think of what to say. He shuts off his phone with a sigh. He settles himself further in his pile of pillows content enough to kill the rest of the day in bed.
----------
He’s off-kilter at the airport the next day. It’s a blur of flashing lights and screams as he follows the feet in front of him to the waiting room. Wooyoung stands in front of him and Yeosang hears his voice but can’t make out the words so he hums along at the appropriate points – he thinks.
“What’s up with you?” Wooyoung finally breaks and asks.
“What?”
“I said, what’s up with you?” Yeosang lets out a deep breath and finally looks up around the room. He wonders how long they have until they can board.
“Nothing, just tired.”
“What’d you do yesterday?”
“Nothing.”
“Did you stay up all night again?”
“Not really, no,” Yeosang trails off. He doesn’t really want to get into his feelings in the middle of a crowded airport.
“You look tired.”
“Because I am.”
They just look at each other for a beat. Wooyoung is clearly searching for something and Yeosang answers with a blank stare. He’s too tired today; Wooyoung can read what he wants to from his face and, besides, Wooyoung is probably the only person in the world he doesn’t ever have to put up a front for. And sometimes he tries, but Wooyoung can always read right through it anyway.
“You know, Post Malone is at tomorrow’s venue tonight. Wanna go with Mingi and me?”
Yeosang pauses. Usually, he tries not to agree to plans on travel days. But he loves Post Malone. And he knows it’d be good for him to do something social. He knows Wooyoung knows this too.
“Yea, I’m down.” Wooyoung beams at him excited about the concert and clearly thinking he won something from this conversation. Yeosang lets him because if he’s honest with himself, he did.
“Whatchu talking about?” San asks as he walks up to them. And that’s how Yeosang finds himself out. In public. On a travel day. And despite everything, he really, really enjoys himself.
----------
On the third day off in South America, he tries to time his workout differently hoping to run into a member in the gym. When the elevator opens to the gym floor, San is standing there getting ready to leave. San steps back and lights up with a bright smile.
“Yeosangie!”
“Hi, good workout?”
“Yep! Did so many pull-ups my arms might fall off.”
“New PR?”
“Nah, not trying to push myself right now.”
“Yea that’s smart. We can’t afford any more injuries, that's for sure.”
“Gonna go head out for my shower. Have a good workout Sangie!”
“Thanks, San.”
Yeosang opens the door to the gym hoping to see if Mingi or maybe Wooyoung are around, but sadly the gym is empty of members and staff.
He swallows his disappointment and goes about his routine. A little while later, he pauses to think about his next set. He really wants to get some chest presses in but there’s no one around to spot him. The job is always reserved for Jongho.
With a sigh, he walks over to the free weight section to pick up some heavy dumbbells as a replacement. But before picking up the dumbbells, he takes a quick photo in the mirror and sends it to Jongho.
Yeosang: Come back I need you to spot me
He barely has time to pick up the dumbbells and move them to his spot before his phone buzzes with a response.
Jongho: Omw you look like you need a good press session
Jongho: Can’t have you losing your arm definition
Yeosang looks at the photo again. He’s standing a few feet away from the mirror in a tight, sleeveless workout shirt. He’s not flexing in the photo but there’s a sheen there from his warmup.
He wonders if Jongho zoomed in on his body. The thought sends a warm, fuzzy feeling all the way down his spine. Maybe he should have posed a little bit more for the photo.
Yeosang: Never
Yeosang: It’s still my goal to out bench you by the end of the year
Yeosang: probably got a whole lot easier now
Jongho: Yea right I bet I could catch your barbell with one leg if I needed to
Now that’s a thought. If Yeosang were to look up at himself right now, he’d probably be beat red and not from exertion since he hasn’t done anything since he sent Jongho the photo.
Yeosang: If that’s what helps you sleep at night
He puts down his phone in exchange for the barbells before he blushes anymore.
Yeosang has always found Jongho’s confidence comforting. From the day they first met, when Jongho first walked into the basement practice room and he should have been worn down and insecure from his previous company – like himself and later Wooyoung – Jongho had been nothing but self-assured in his abilities. They were so young and scared about making the right decision in coming here, and yet despite being the youngest, Jongho had this aura about him. Like he already knew he would become the best vocalist of their generation and that they would succeed as a group.
And Yeosang needed that reassurance back then. Jongho’s unwavering confidence was a grounding force as he worked to restore his self-confidence. Whenever the voices in his head told him he wasn’t good enough, he looked to Jongho. Because Jongho still worked just as hard as the rest of them, always improving his technique. So Yeosang learned from him, their youngest, their feisty teenager, that it was okay to trust in himself and his abilities, and still want to improve.
Now Yeosang was far more assured in himself and his role in the group, but whenever he falters, he still looks to Jongho for that silent, unwavering support. Yeosang doesn’t know if Jongho realizes how much Yeosang relies on him. Yeosang never brings up their trainee days unless he has to, embarrassed by the insecure boy he used to be.
There was also the part of Yeosang that was much more reluctant to admit that he loved Jongho’s confidence in his ability to take care of him. It’s no secret that Yeosang likes to be pampered. It reminds Yeosang that he’s important to his members; it secures him in their relationship with each other. And while Jongho goes about it differently than the others, he pampers him just as much. Jongho will pick up Yeosang with ease and carry him on his shoulder if Yeosang so much as pouts at him. He’ll put his weights away for him at the gym when they're done with their sets. And apparently, he’ll catch a barbell on one leg to save him. Yeosang can almost picture it and he catches a blush on his cheeks in the mirror at the thought.
To avoid perceiving his blush, he scans his form in the mirror but quickly realizes his arms are shaking from exertion. He’d been so lost in thought that he’d mindlessly kept going past his usual set. This is also why he needs Jongho here, he’s good at keeping track of these things.
After quickly finishing out the set, Yeosang can barely carry the dumbbells back to the rack. He literally drops them in their right spot instead of setting them down like he should and looks closer at himself in his mirror. The veins in his arms are popping - a sure sign of a good press. He finds himself taking another mirror selfie. This time he flexes his arms and sends it to Jongho. He doesn’t even get to think of something to justify the picture before Jongho responds.
Jongho: Looks like you don’t need me to help
Yeosang frowns. That’s not the response he was looking for. He’s never sent Jongho gym selfies before. They don’t need to since they’re usually here together. But he doesn’t know why Jongho thinks he doesn’t need him here with him.
Yeosang: :/
Yeosang: I definitely do I lost count and could barely get the dumbbells back on the rack
Yeosang doesn’t get a response right away so he goes about his cool-down routine. He’s finishing up his stretches by the time Jongho responds.
Jongho: hyung you need to stay focused
Jongho: I won’t always be there to put the dumbbells back for you
Yeosang frowns again. He hates that thought. He just wanted Jongho to compliment his arms, maybe ask him about the set. Anything but remind Yeosang that Jongho isn’t always there for him. He thinks about his response as he goes about his stretches and thinks, fuck it.
Yeosang: You should be
He’s in the elevator when he gets a response.
Jongho: I’ll keep that in mind at physical therapy tomorrow
Jongho: What will atiny think if they know my motivation is to help you in the gym and not to get back on stage
There’s a fluttering feeling in his stomach when he reads the texts and he giggles. He heart reacts to the first message before responding again.
Yeosang: Helping me in the gym is also for atiny and the stage if you think about it
Jongho: If you say so :)
For the rest of the day, Yeosang and Jongho keep up the light banter. Later on, they get on facetime and play a few games together. It’s almost like Jongho isn’t on the other side of the Pacific and it does wonders for the empty pit that was growing in the bottom of Yeosang’s stomach over the last few days.
----------
They wrap up the rest of the tour well. The concerts were full of energy and he’s so proud to have played in their first stadium, as much as he wishes Jongho was there with them for the milestone.
He forces himself to ask a few members to dinner one night so he has something to tell his parents about South America. He also works hard to maintain the text conversation with Jongho for the remaining week. Yeosang’s known as one of the worst texters in the group, so he does actually have to work for it. He thinks of conversation starters and challenges himself to keep it going when normally he would let it die off after letting hours go by before responding.
Unfortunately for him, Wooyoung and San both noticed the change in his habits, the nosy fuckers. He catches both of them trying to get peeks at his screen to see who he’s texting.
He shows them the screen, “It’s just Jongho.” San pouts and looks slightly disappointed but does ask how he’s doing. Wooyoung cocks his head and studies him. Yeosang gives him a questioning look back. Thankfully Wooyoung doesn’t ask questions that Yesoang wouldn’t know how to answer.
Finally, blessedly, they make it back to South Korea. It’s late afternoon when Yunho and Yeosang drag themselves into their apartment. Yeosang forces himself to shower and do his skincare routine before falling face-first in bed. He sleeps through the night and wakes up late the next morning. He texts his family that he’s alive and back in the country and groggily goes about washing and feeding himself. He ends up falling asleep again for a few hours. When he wakes up he makes plans with Wooyoung to go over to his place for video games later that night.
A few hours later, he quietly lets himself into Wooyoung’s apartment and toes off his shoes at the door. He pads into their living room and stops short. Jongho is sitting on the couch. As he gets closer, he sees that there’s a massive knee brace from his shin to his thigh over the loose black sweatpants he’s wearing. His bad leg is propped up on the sectional with his other on the floor. Yeosang takes the rest of him in and sees that he’s in one of his ridiculously expensive sweatshirts. Except for the hard, plastic brace on his leg, Jongho looks so soft.
Throughout the inspection, Jongho stays focused on his FIFA game on the TV, so Yeosang decides to finally let him know he has a guest.
“Jongho! I didn’t know you were back in the dorms.”
Jongho startles a bit at his name and pauses his game. He looks over his shoulder at Yeosang, who moves further into the living room and settles on the couch, sitting on one foot with his shoulders facing the younger.
“Hyung, you scared me. I didn't hear you come in.” Yeosang giggles, because it’s not easy to scare their youngest.
“Sorry, I was just excited to see you.” Jongho smiles at him. His round cheeks push his glasses up a little further on his nose. Yeosang’s fingers twitch to squeeze them, which weird, he’s never had that urge before. “When did you move back into the dorms?” Yeosang asks again.
“Oh, a few days ago. Being at home was great, but it was weird being there for so long, you know? I was cleared to walk with my brace on so I wanted to be back here with you guys.”
That makes Yeosang smile. Jongho rarely explicitly says he wants to be around them, but Yeosang hears his admission for what it is.
“We missed you too.” Jongho’s smile widens even more, to the point his gums make an appearance - a sight Yeosang realizes he was missing on tour.
“Well I know you did, hyung.” Yeosang blushes at the implication. Jongho grabs his hand before he can hide his face in embarrassment and squeezes it to reassure him. It’s the first time they’ve touched since Yeosang pulled the same move as Jongho was stretchered away. The moment lasts until Wooyoung walks out of his room and spots them on the couch.
“Ya, Yeosang, why didn’t you tell me when you got here?” Wooyoung all but yells breaking the quiet peace of the room. Yeosang drops his hand from Jongho’s and pulls it back into his lap, but Jongho keeps his resting in between them.
“Sorry, got distracted when I saw Jongho.”
“Got it, he’s more important than your best friend of 10 years.”
“9 and I mean, I saw you yesterday I think? I wanted to see how Jongho was doing.” Wooyoung sprawls down on the couch on the other side of Yeosang.
“Sure, whatever. It’s not like you don’t know with all the texting you guys did.” Yeosang sputters and blushes at that. He peeks over at Jongho, who also has a slight blush on his face, but his eyes are back on his FIFA game. When he looks back at Wooyoung, his best friend is smirking at him. Yeosang doesn’t know what to say, and thankfully Wooyoung takes pity on them, “Have you guys eaten anything?”
They order food and play games for the rest of the night. He spends the night in between them, with Wooyoung’s screeches and maniacal laughter getting increasingly louder as Jongho riles him up, all the while Yeosang giggles trying to take advantage of the lack of focus on him to win the games.
Eventually, the jet lag catches up to Wooyoung and Yeosang and they can’t keep their yawns in anymore. Yeosang starts getting his things together after a text from his manager that he’s downstairs. He sees Jongho swing his bad leg off the sectional next to his other leg. When he looks like he’s bracing his arms on the couch to haul himself up, Yeosang rushes to his side.
“Wait, what are you doing? Don’t get up.” Jongho waves him off.
“I’m fine. The doctor cleared me to walk remember? And I have to move to my room eventually,” but he does grab Yeosang’s hand to help himself up when he offers it.
They stand eye to eye for a moment and then Jongho pulls him in by the shoulders for a hug. Yeosang wraps his arms around his middle and buries his nose in the soft expensive hoodie, inhaling the leftover muskiness of his cologne. A piece of Yeosang settles within himself.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Jongho murmurs into his neck.
“Me too.” Jongho pulls back and softly smiles at Yeosang as he steps towards his shoes, avoiding making eye contact with Wooyoung. But he gets pulled into a quick hug by his best friend anyway.
Over the next week or so, Yeosang finds himself at Wooyoung’s apartment most nights, sometimes with Wooyoung there, sometimes not. Jongho’s a constant in his routine, with his leg propped on the sectional looking soft and cuddly in expensive sweatsuits. Yeosang’s ability to resist relaxing into Jongho’s cozy vibe has weakened every night.
Tonight, they started by sitting shoulder to shoulder playing a FIFA game. But after Jongho wins the second game of the night, Jongho pauses on the home screen and asks “Are you tired, hyung? Want to watch a movie instead?”
Yeosang shrugs yes and Jongho looks to find a drama that they both haven’t seen. They eventually settle on one and as it starts, Yeosang looks over to see Jongho looking up pouting at the lights as if they’re purposely offending him.
Yeosang pats the younger’s chest and stands, “Don’t worry, you big baby, I’ll get them.”
Jongho's pout deepens, “Thanks hyung.”
“Take advantage now, it’s going back to normal as soon as you’re cleared.”
“Of course, your highness.” Now Yeosang’s pouting as he sits back down to Jongho, shoulders and thighs pressed together. “Don’t give me that look.” Jongho throws an arm around his shoulder and pulls his upper body into the younger’s so that his head rests on his chest. Yeosang relaxes into the warm, strong arm wrapped around him and stretches his legs out on the couch.
If anyone asks later, he tries his hardest to stay awake. But between the familiar scent of Jongho’s body wash, the hand slowly moving up and down his arm, and the firm pillow of Jongho’s chest, he’s fighting a losing battle against his eyelids.
He wakes up to a quiet darkness. The only light coming from Netflix’s home screen and the only sound is faint puffs of air coming from somewhere above his head. Based on the slow rise and fall of his pillow, Jongho also fell asleep at some point. He’s tempted to tuck himself deeper into the younger’s side and fall back asleep but he knows he needs to get back to his bed if he wants to feel alive for tomorrow’s schedule.
Slowly, he uses his hand on Jongho’s thigh to push out of Jongho’s hold. He uses his other hand to rub the grit out of his eyes and looks back over at Jongho who groaned when the weight on him shifted. Now, the younger man is pouting as his eyes slowly blink awake. Yeosang fights the urge to squeeze Jongho’s cheeks.
“What time is it?” Jongho mumbles lowly, bringing his own hands up to rub at his eyes under his glasses, still pouting.
“Ummm,” Yeosang doesn’t actually know so he has to feel around for his phone for where he left it on the couch. Once he finds it, he sees there are a few notifications in the group chat. “It’s almost 11.”
Yeosang opens the chat and blushes at the photo he sees posted there. It's of Yeosang and Jongho curled up sleeping on the couch sent by Wooyoung, of course. He’ll have to yell at the brat about privacy later, again.
Wooyoung: Look at these cuties <3
Yunho: Oh so that’s where Yeosang’s been
San: What do you mean
Yunho: He’s been missing from the apt most nights
“What? Why are you blushing?” Jongho startles Yeosang out of his chat catch-up.
“Wooyoung happened.”
“Ah,” Jongho sighs, probably used to the antics of the long-standing best friends.
San: How do you lose Yeosang
Yunho: ?? I didn’t lose him, just didn’t know where he’s been going
Wooyoung: Anywho he’s been here
San: Sangie you’re always welcome over here for cuddles!!!
Seonghwa: ^^^
Luckily there wasn’t more said in the group chat, so Yeosang moves over to his chat with a manager to get a ride back to his place. He puts his phone down and sees Jongho reading over the chat as well. The younger chuckles.
“I guess I have a hot commodity over here, aren’t I lucky.”
Yeosang blushes yet again and punches Jongho’s arm. “Shut up” he mumbles.
His phone buzzes again with a message from his manager that a car will be there for him in a few minutes so he reluctantly moves to stand up. They hug goodnight and Yeosang can’t help but linger in the warm embrace of Jongho’s arms until the younger slowly pulls away and lightly pushes him towards the door with a soft, “Get some real rest, hyung.”
In the car, Yeosang opens the photo from Wooyoung again. He zooms in on Jongho’s face and realizes he’s pouting even in his sleep. So cute. He saves the photo, which Wooyoung will never have to know.
Later as he’s falling asleep, he thinks about how soft Jongho’s lips look and imagines what they’d feel like pressing into his skin. He imagines pressing his lips against them and in his hazy sleepiness, the idea warms his core.
----------
Yeosang wakes up the next morning hard, his throat and lips dry, and his hips moving against the mattress, seeking friction. He’d woken up from a dream filled with soft, plush lips, big hands holding him down, loving caresses up and down his body, and his own arms wrapped around a thick middle pulling the other body closer to him. When his dream self had opened his eyes, he’d made eye contact with Jongho’s big eyes, looking down on him with the same playful look in his eyes he catches when the younger is about to throw him over his shoulder and carry him around. And that’s when he’d woken up.
As the memories of the dream flood his conscious mind, his hips don’t stop moving. Yeosang knows he’ll have to take care of his aching dick to find some semblance of mental focus for the day. He rolls onto his back and takes himself in hand. He thumbs over his head to gather some pre-cum and tugs on it a few times but it’s still too dry. He’s too lazy to get his lube out, so he decides to spit in his hand to make it easier.
He gets lost in the sparks of pleasure from moving his hand quickly up and down his shaft, and his brain strays back to his dream. He shakes his head and closes his eyes, willing himself to not think about Jongho right now. Instead, he tries to imagine the hand on his dick is a non-descript dream man’s. Someone who’ll make him feel small as he leans over him. Someone strong enough to hold down his hips, but with soft lips to counter the strength, moving along his jaw and neck. He speeds up and tightens his hold on himself as he gets closer to release, already so worked up from the dream.
But as he gets close to his peak, his mind betrays him and imagines Jongho picking him up and fucking him against the wall, crowding him in with his bigger frame, using his strong thighs to push up into his own body. The thought is enough to bring his release, thinking of being surrounded by strong arms that he trusts inherently. Every nerve is lit up at the thought and he heaves deep breaths to get his heart rate down.
Guilt sets in almost as soon as his mind comes back to himself. He throws the tangled covers to the side, standing up to make his way to the bathroom, not letting himself bask in his relief, and makes sure not to touch anything with his dirty right hand. His heart is still racing when he steps under the still lukewarm water, not wanting to wait for it to heat up because he can’t bear looking at himself right now with his face probably still flush from relief but hands shaking from anxiety.
He feels more confused and off-balance now than he did when he woke up. So many different questions float around in his head and swirl away, nothing sticking at the forefront enough for a coherent thought, and interspersed through it all are flashes of Jongho. Yeosang tilts his face up into the now scalding water hoping to shut his brain off for just a second. He doesn’t know how long he stands there under the water trying to get his mind in order, but he does notice when the water starts to cool off.
He’s finishing up his routine when his mind falls back to Jongho, which seems to be the theme of the morning. More than anything he’s thrown off by the suddenness of how hot he found Jongho in his dream. He’s never thought of the other in that way before, nothing more than the passing acknowledgment of his attractiveness, his strength, his competence. He’s always admired Jongho, but this is more than anything he’s thought about the other before.
As he’s toweling himself dry, he imagines strong hands carefully rubbing him down instead, and his breath hitches. He shakes his head to get Jongho out of his mind for the nth time this morning. He needs to get whatever this is out of his head so he can be normal around Jongho the next time he sees him.
----------
Yeosang needs to talk to Wooyoung as soon as possible. He can’t get the newfound realization of Jongho’s sexiness out of his head. It doesn’t help that the other sat across the table from him during this afternoon’s meeting about their comeback concept. He probably stared at Jongho the entire time, if the amount of times they made eye contact during the meeting was any indication. Each time Jongho looked up with his big round eyes and made eye contact with Yeosang, his heart stopped and he had to look away. And as soon as he got his breathing under control, his eyes would fall back on the younger.
Needless to say, he only has the vaguest idea of their upcoming concept, and no idea how it fits into the storyline or really what the song will be like. It’s a problem, but not his immediate problem. And he knows himself. He knows he won’t be able to think about anything else until he gets his worries off his chest.
So that’s why he’s entering Wooyoung’s apartment tonight with more urgency than usual. Jongho looks up from his spot on the couch when Yeosang enters, accidentally slamming the door behind him. When Jongho sees him, his face lights up with an expectant smile.
“What did you want to play tonight, hyung?”
“Oh - uh - I’m actually here to see Wooyoung,” Yeosang says trying to keep moving to Wooyoung’s room. He can barely make himself make eye contact with the younger, but he sees Jongho’s smile slightly drop.
“Oh ok. Yea he’s in his room.”
“Ok thanks, have fun Jongho,” he scurries to Wooyoung’s room before anything else can be said. He quickly opens Wooyoung’s door and doesn’t say anything as he flops face-first on the bed, groaning.
“Hello to you too?” Wooyoung says from his spot propped up on his headboard.
“Hi,” Yeosang says into the mattress.
“You good?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is it about the comeback?”
“No.”
“Is it about The Show?”
“No.”
“Is it about Yunho?”
“No.”
“Wait! Is it Chuseok?”
“No.”
“Ok, I give up, this isn’t fun anymore.”
Yeosang sighs into the mattress. It’s getting harder to breathe with his face buried in the comforter with the air getting hotter with every response but he doesn’t want to face his friend just yet. With another deep inhale, he exhales and lets out, “It’s Jongho.”
“What? I can barely hear you, Sangie.”
Yeosang groans again but complies and rolls over onto his back so he’s looking up at the ceiling, which works so he doesn’t have to look at Wooyoung yet. But he knows he’ll have to say it again.
“It’s about Jongho.”
“Jongho?” Wooyoung asks at his normal volume, which is probably still too loud.
“Shhhh. He’s in the living room, don’t let him hear you!” Yeosang frantically demands.
“He’s farther away there than he is in his room, it’s fine,” Wooyoung insists but thankfully lowers his voice. “What about Jjong-ah?”
“I don’t know, I’m confused,” Yeosang all but whines.
“Why?”
“Something’s changed.”
“Okay?” The question clear in Wooyoung’s voice. Yeosang hears him shift on the bed and he feels a hand make it into his hair, gently scratching. It feels good, scalp sore from all the recent bleaching and dying, and it grounds his anxious mind.
Yeosang opens his mouth to say something but closes it without saying anything because he doesn’t know where to start. His muddled thoughts still haven’t crystallized into a single coherent idea since this morning and he really doesn’t want to start by saying out loud that he had a sex dream about their youngest. Besides, deep down, Yeosang knows that it’s more than that - that whatever this is about is more than a passing sexual fantasy. It’s a whole new way of thinking about someone incredibly important to him, someone he can’t risk losing.
As he thinks of where to start, Wooyoung’s hand doesn’t stop moving in his hair, just hums and lets him think. Yeosang opens his mouth to start again but closes it again because he isn’t sure what will come out.
“Would it help if I started?” Wooyoung softly asks to which Yeosang nods his head. “I know you missed him on tour. Of course, we all did, but I think it was different for you, wasn’t it?” Yeosang nods again. “Yea, I know you guys have your gym bro routine, but it’s more than that, right? I’m sorry for not being there for you more while we were there.”
“It’s fine,” Yeosang says softly, because it is, “You’re right. I don’t think I realized how much my routine revolved around him until he wasn’t there.”
“Of course that’s hard. You guys are good for each other.”
“We are?”
“Duh, our quiet introverts need each other,” fondness seeping through Wooyoung’s voice. Yeosang snorts softly in response. “No but seriously! You both need your routines to relax, you have similar interests, whatever you guys do clearly works for you because I could tell you were struggling in South America.”
“Yea I guess. Do you -” he cuts himself off. He takes another breath and tries again still looking at the ceiling, “Do you think it could ever be something more?” Wooyoung’s hand pauses in the light scratching for a moment, but starts again.
“I think you’re going to have to explain more.”
“Do you think it’s just because I’m there?” Yeosang didn’t even realize that was a worry of his until he said it. “Like, do you think I’m as special to him as he is to me?” There’s a pressure building behind his eyes as soon as he gets the question out. He tries not to blink because he will absolutely not be crying tonight.
“I do,” Wooyoung responds softly, no judgment in his voice, “You know him. He doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to. He wouldn’t always be with you if he didn’t want to be, Yeosang.”
Wooyoung’s not wrong, and that settles something in Yeosang’s chest, the pressure slowly dying behind his eyes. But he does need to get the rest of his feelings out. He shuffles around on the bed until his head’s on a pillow next to Wooyoung. “I think I like him. I don’t know when it changed, but I realized I want something more with him.” He finally looks up at Wooyoung and his friend is already looking at him, softly smiling, eyes soft with fondness. “But I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“You’re going to hate this, but you won’t know unless you try talking to him.” Yeosang dreads the thought. He can’t imagine having that conversation, of putting his heart on the line and risking messing up a friendship so important to him. “But I will say, you guys do already flirt with each other. A lot.”
Yeosang looks up sharply at that. Wooyoung’s looking back with a smirk on his face. “What!? No, we don’t!” And that makes Wooyoung laugh.
“Yes, you do! You’re telling me if I read your texts it wouldn’t all be flirty banter?”
“Not at all!” Still indignant, but his mind is going over all the texts he’s ever sent to Jongho. He is reminded of a particular selfie sent in the gym trying to get a compliment from Jongho. He may need to go back and reread them all with this newfound realization.
“If you say so,” Wooyoung stays still chuckling, “Also! He’s literally always trying to undress you or manhandle you. And you let him!”
“You all try to do that.”
“We try. But you let him!” Yeosang punches him because he can’t think of a good defense as Wooyoung’s right. He does let Jongho get away with more skinship than any other member, recalling every time he’s thrown over the younger’s shoulder, or a hand moves to unzip a stage outfit in front of the camera. And now he knows he’s blushing based on the heat on his face. Maybe Wooyoung’s right. “See you know I’m right,” and then Wooyoung cackles, no longer caring about his volume.
“Whatever,” he huffs. None of that means anything. It’s probably all performative from Jongho. Wooyoung can probably see the skepticism on his face, because he takes his hand and pulls until he’s pulled into Wooyoung’s side, arm wrapped around his friend’s small waist.
“You should talk with him when you’re ready. I think it’ll make you feel better to get it off your chest,” Wooyoung says, hand moving up and down his back.
“I’m scared to lose him,” Yeosang mumbles into Wooyoung’s chest.
“I know. It’s scary and never easy,” hand never stopping in its path up and down Yeosang’s back and after a moment, Wooyoung adds, “I really don’t think you’ll ever lose him.” Yeosang can’t respond; he doesn’t know what else to say. So he just stays cuddled into Wooyoung’s side for the rest of the night, soaking up the warmth and comfort from his oldest friend.
----------
It’s a few days later, and Yeosang is walking around the company building in a daze. They’d just had a meeting about their upcoming schedules. Yeosang had looked down at the paper with the calendar and froze. The next month is full of short trips far away. A few days here. A few days there and then back here again. Never enough time to settle down into a routine of being on the road or at home. Quite frankly, it’ll be hell on Yeosang’s mental stability. He’d walked out of the meeting already spiraling and thinking of ways he would have to find to stay sane, especially because Jongho wouldn’t be joining them for most, if not all, of the schedules.
He is on his way to the dance studio to help San with his choreography when he runs directly into Jongho, who has to hobble back with a few jumps, not nearly as solid as he usually is because of the injury.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Jongho-ya. Are you ok? I didn’t hurt your knee, did I?” Yeosang asks, eyes roaming over the other’s body before looking at his face to make sure he didn’t find any pain there.
When he makes eye contact, the other is looking at him softly, “I’m fine, don’t worry.” Yeosang nods, accepting it as the truth. But he bites his lip and looks away. This is the first time he’s seen the other since the quick conversation in Wooyoung’s apartment the other day. He hasn’t had time to see him between all his schedules. “Are you okay, hyung?”
“Huh,” Yeosang looks back at the other, “Oh uh I guess. Just got our calendar and it kinda sucks.” Jongho nods sympathetically. “What are you doing here?”
“Voice lesson. Might as well when I have nothing else to do,” Jongho replies with a shrug. “Come over later?”
Yeosang panics. He is not ready to have a conversation about his new feelings with Jongho, and he’s not sure he’d be able to be normal around the other now that he’s thought of kissing the other’s lips, the way it’d feel to be pinned down on the bed by him — he shakes his head of those thoughts, which has become almost a habit in the last few days. He can’t even have this normal conversation without his thoughts straying, can he really handle a movie night, as much as he wants to soak up time with him while he can?
“Hyung? Are you sure you’re ok?” Yeosang realizes he’s been staring at Jongho’s chest with his mouth open, not responding, which is definitely not normal. He hopes he wasn’t drooling.
“Uh sorry, maybe? I’m going to help Sannie with his choreo.”
“Ok,” Yeosang sees a faint line of worry in Jongho’s eyes, “Well let me know if you want to come over after, I’m around. I’d like to see you before you guys head out.” Yeosang blushes faintly and nods. Jongho takes a step forward, careful to not put too much weight on his bad knee, and Yeosang takes a step to the side. They look at each other for another moment before Yeosang takes a step towards the studio. He starts walking, finally pulling his eyes away from the other to pull himself away from whatever awkwardness was happening there. He hears a “keep me posted, hyung,” from behind him.
He gets a warm welcome from San in the studio, and he moves to stand in the back to watch the sequence he’s working on. The sequence is great, shows off San’s power in all the right ways, and he makes sure to let him know. He gets a full dimple smile in response.
San moves on to another sequence that isn’t as polished yet. He’s working through some movements for a bit and Yeosang can’t help but zone out, thinking about the interaction with Jongho in the hallway. He wants to know why Jongho wants to see him tonight, wants to know what everything means.
“What do you think of that, Sangie?” Yeosang's eyes focus back on San when he hears his name. He realizes he has no idea what move San is asking about. He sends the other a sheepish smile.
“I’m sorry, can you show me again?”
“‘Course.” San runs through the move a few more times and Yeosang gives him some notes. He doesn’t know if they’re all that helpful, but San does look cool and he tells him so again.
His mind betrays him again though and goes back to Jongho. By the third time San’s had to get his focus back, Yeosang knows San’s patience is waning even if San will never tell him. “Why don’t you go get some rest, Sangie?”
“Are you sure? I can stay and help more.”
“I’ll send you some videos, don’t worry. Thank you for your help today!” Yeosang knows a San dismissal when he hears one. He’s far too polite and kind to say it directly, but Yeosang is slowing him down tonight.
“I don’t know how much I helped, but it looks great, Sannie. Seriously.” San smiles widely and hugs him tightly. “You get some rest too.”
Yeosang exits the studio, ready to leave the company. But the thought of being alone tonight to stew in his thoughts even more makes his stomach churn. He remembers that Wooyoung has plans tonight, so he’s not an option.
Jongho did ask him to come over. He would really hate to blow him off for a second time in a row and he does want to spend time with him before the next trip. Besides, it would probably be good to try to spend time with him normally to get over these feelings instead of overthinking about them for the next month. He knows he’s definitely not ready for a conversation like Wooyoung wants him to try. Maybe he’ll try to lightly test the waters with Jongho. See if he reciprocates what Yeosang is willing to try tonight.
With that, his decision is made and he texts Jongho that he’s on his way, probably earlier than the other expected since he’d only spent an hour or so with San. On his way over to Jongho’s, he tries to get lost in his music instead of overthinking what he’ll say when he gets there, with only middling success. By the time he opens the door to Jongho’s, he’s worried the skin away from his bottom lip and his heart rate is picking up.
Jongho is in the kitchen and looks up when he hears the door open. He smiles at Yeosang as he makes his way over. He stops on the other side of the island of Jongho to keep some space between the two. “How was San?”
“Good. The choreo is very him. It’ll be cool.” He’s staring at his hands on the counter, rubbing them together and avoiding eye contact with Jongho.
“Must be. It didn’t take long.” Yeosang softly smiles but still refuses to lift his head.
“Yea, he kicked me out as forcibly as San can. I couldn’t stay focused.” Yeosang hears light, uneven footsteps move around the island and feels Jongho’s presence at his side. Jongho lifts a hand to Yeosang’s back and starts to rub up and down his back, his hand leaving a tingling sensation everywhere he touches. Yeosang has to suppress a shudder at the feeling of the hands he hasn’t stopped thinking about for days. Another hand finds his chin, lightly lifting his head. He finally lets himself look at Jongho, who’s in yet another soft sweatsuit, his eyes full of concern as they scan his face. Yeosang tries to lock down the overwhelming emotions that are flooding his brain in response to the soft touches.
“Hey, don’t hide from me. What’s wrong?” Jongho all but whispers, hand not leaving his chin knowing Yeosang will try to duck away. Yeosang shakes his head in the hold. If he opens his mouth, he’s afraid a sob will come out instead. Jongho moves the hand from his chin to the back of his neck, pulling him so his forehead is buried in the younger’s shoulder. Yeosang takes a deep inhale, trying to suck up the familiar smell of Jongho and lets out a shaky exhale. He repeats it for a few more breaths. Jongho doesn’t push him, lets him relax into the hold, with his hand a grounding force on his neck and the other hand never stops moving on his back.
Yeosang doesn’t know how long they stand there, but he notices Jongho start to shift slightly from one foot to another. Before long, the younger breaks the silence softly, “Hyung, do you mind if we go sit? My knee is starting to ache.” Yeosang lifts his head quickly at that, instantly feeling guilty for putting stress on the other. Jongho must see the worry in his eyes because he quickly says, “Hey, I’m fine, don’t worry. We’ll both be more comfortable sitting, hmm?”
Yeosang nods and waits for Jongho to take a stilted step back. Jongho winces when he takes a step back, the impact of standing for so long clearly taking a toll, but he doesn’t move his hand from Yeosang’s waist. Yeosang stands and steps almost directly into the other’s arms. He doesn’t look away from Jongho and is rewarded with a smile. “Let’s go to the couch.”
“Can we go to your room instead?” Yeosang quietly asks. He hasn’t spent time in his new room, but he has a sudden need to see it, to be surrounded by the younger’s smell. Jongho raises an eyebrow but nods and starts to move down the hall, hand never leaving his waist.
Jongho opens the door for him and Yeosang steps in first. He inhales the clean muskiness of Jongho and looks around. It’s as minimalistic yet expensive-looking as he expected –black, plush comforter pulled tight over the mattress facing a large flat screen. There’s a nice gaming set-up in the corner. Jongho moves around him and sits on the mattress, stretching out his bad knee and looking up at him.
Yeosang runs a hand over the comforter. It’s as soft as it looks. “How much did you spend on this?” He can’t help but ask with a smile.
Jongho chuckles, used to the teasing of his expensive taste. “You won’t judge once you lay down and feel it.”
“Oh?” Yeosang raises an eyebrow and suddenly feels brave. Now that he’s calmer he remembers his earlier goal of coming here. “Are you inviting me into your bed, Jjong-ah?”
“You invited yourself in here, hyung.” Yeosang’s face instantly heats up and he tears his eyes away from Jongho. But before he can feel too self-conscious, Jongho pats the bed next to him. “Come over here, please.”
Yeosang moves to sit next to Jongho and practically melts into Jongho’s side. The younger moves a hand to his waist to help prop him up. They sit quietly for another minute with Yeosang resting his head on the younger’s shoulder. “Do you want to lay down?” Jongho quietly asks and Yeosang nods into his shoulder.
Yeosang has to stand to let Jongho shuffle around to lie down on his side of the bed. Yeosang walks around the bed to lie down on the other side. When he settles his head down on the other pillow with his hands clasped over his stomach, he hears a soft sigh.
“What are you doing over there? Come here.” Jongho has an arm extended towards Yeosang. He makes a grabby hand gesture and pouts when Yeosang looks over. He blushes and scoots over until he’s cuddled into the other’s side. His head nestles into Jongho’s shoulder and Yeosang’s nerves are lit in every place they’re touching. Jongho’s fingers lightly trace the shape of his biceps through his t-shirt. Yeosang can feel the moment he lets go of all of his anxiety and melts into the touch. Only then does Jongho break the silence and ask, “Do you want to talk about what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
Yeosang’s breath stutters at the question, but Jongho’s hands don’t stop their trail up and down his arm, so he focuses on that. After another breath, he quietly answers, “I guess I’m just overwhelmed.” Yeosang feels Jongho nod his head. “This schedule sucks. I hate going back and forth like this, you know.” After another pause, he adds, “I’m so tired.”
“I know. But we’ve had hard schedules like this before. You’ll get through this as well as you have before.” Jongho reassures him.
“Yea, but you were there before.” Yeosang mumbles into his chest. Jongho’s hand stills but doesn’t leave his arm.
“I’m sorry, you know I wish I could be.”
“Don’t apologize, please. Someone was bound to get hurt, maybe it will be a wake-up call.” They both snort, knowing that there wasn’t any slowing down anytime soon. Yeosang takes a deep breath and confesses, “I really missed you in South America.”
Jongho squeezes his arm, “I missed you too.” Yeosang racks his brain for something to say next. He must take too long because Jongho adds, “Is that all? Because you know I’m always a text away.”
Yeosang internally curses Jongho’s ability to read him so well. He moves his head to look up at the younger, eyes tracing his jawline. His round cheekbones are so prominent from this angle. Jongho tilts his head down to look at him back and smiles, cheekbones rising and almost obscuring his eyes. He considers lying and dismissing his worries. But there’s something in the younger’s eyes that makes him pause. Maybe it's the tenderness of the whole night breaking down his walls.
“I guess I’ve been thinking,” He pauses, trying to find the right words. Jongho moves his hand to his waist, fingers tapping a light beat. His breath hitches as the skin tingles. He’s not sure if Jongho even realizes he’s doing it, but it’s making it hard to think. Yeosang moves a hand down to the other’s hand, resting it on top to stop the movement. Jongho doesn’t say anything, so he opens his mouth to start again, “I realized just how important you are to me when you weren’t there if that makes sense.”
Jongho squeezes his waist under his hand. Yeosang can’t figure out if he wants to squirm into the hold or out of it. “You know you’re important to me too.”
“But it’s more than that,” Yeosang presses. “You’ve been a rock for me since pre-debut, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that.” He guesses this is the angle he’s taking tonight, it’s not the full truth but it feels good to get it off his chest nonetheless.
“Since pre-debut? But I was a disrespectful menace back then.” Jongho protests with a chuckle. Yeosang laughs too because he’s not wrong.
“I mean yeah, but I needed that back then. I was so broken down when I joined. I didn’t have confidence in anything anymore. And you had so much confidence even coming from a similar situation. You were so sure we would succeed, and I’m sure you would have dragged us with you kicking and screaming. So I looked up to you a lot to find that balance again of working hard and improving and also building my self-confidence.”
After a moment, Jongho says, “You never said anything.”
Yeosang snorts, “I was embarrassed. I’m the hyung and had the experience, but I was so insecure.”
“That’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It shows your determination if anything. It shows how much you wanted it to keep going. Thank you for telling me.”
Yeosang buries his smile in his shoulder and groans lightly, still embarrassed. He clears his throat, “And I guess, in South America, I realized that I never stopped relying on you. I rely on you in other ways. You take care of me really well.” He mumbles the last part, barely believing he’s saying it out loud.
“I’ll always take care of you if you let me, hyung,” Jongho says softly.
“See that’s what I mean.” He pulls his head out of his shoulder to look into the other’s eyes, making sure he understands just how much he appreciates it. “I know you will. But –” he cuts himself off before he can say more and pulls his eyes away to trace over the collar of his sweatshirt, suddenly embarrassed.
“But what?” When Yeosang moves his eyes to look back at Jongho, whose eyes are wide with an emotion he can’t place.
“But I’m scared,” Yeosang whispers.
“You have nothing to be scared about. I’m not going anywhere.” Jongho’s eyes are still furrowed in concern.
“I’m scared I’ll push you away.”
“You won’t.”
“Yes I will,” Yeosang insists.
“Yeosang,” Jongho pleads, “Please help me understand. I don’t get what you’re saying.” Yeosang lightly groans in frustration bringing his hand up to rub at his eyes, hoping to keep the tears at bay but he can feel the tell-tale sign of pressure rapidly building. He wishes he could just share a piece of his brain with Jongho instead of trying to put his thoughts into words. He’s never been good at expressing the depth of his feelings, never been good at finding the exact words he’s looking for. It’s part of why he’s so quiet.
He shakily takes another breath in and tries again, tries again for Jongho, “I’m scared my feelings for you will push you away,” he gets out quietly.
Jongho’s breath hitches and Yeosang swears his chest stops moving under him. “Yeosang, please look at me.” Yeosang slowly moves his head to look at Jongho whose eyes are wide. He knows his own are wide and glassy with unshed tears. “You won’t lose me because I feel the same way.”
“What?” Yeosang breathes out, not sure if he’s understanding correctly.
“I like you a lot, hyung. Like more than a friend.” Yeosang stares down at him, eyes wide. Jongho maintains eye contact as Yeosang processes.
“You like me? Like you want something more too?”
“More than anything,” his hand squeezing his waist.
“Oh.”
“Oh?” Jongho chuckles. “Is that all you have to say?”
“Don’t laugh at me! I’m processing.”
“I’m not laughing at you, I promise. I just can’t believe we’re talking about this,” hand squeezing his waist again. Jongho moves his other hand up to Yeosang’s face, brushing the newly dyed hair out of his eyes and behind his ears. “Only you could pull off this color, hyung.” Yeosang blushes, the heat in his face almost unbearable and a few nervous giggles escape.
Once Yeosang’s face cools down, he asks, “You really like me too?”
“Yes, hyung. Can I kiss you to prove it?” Yeosang short circuits. His eyes flicker down to Jongho’s soft lips, the same ones that have been haunting his dreams this week.
“Yes, please,” he breathes out and Jongho reaches up to pull him down. Their lips softly press together. Their chapsticks make the glide against each other easy, Jongho’s lips even softer and gentler than he could ever imagine. He feels Jongho’s big hand splayed out on his waist, pulling him in closer against him. Yeosang licks along the seam of his lips, asking him to open up and the other answers. Their tongues meet and start the exploration of each other’s taste. They get lost in mapping out the other until they’re both breathless. When Yeosang pulls away panting, his leg is tangled over Jongho’s good one. He looks down to see Jongho’s lips bruised red, falling into a pout at losing access to Yeosang. They look at each other for a moment, catching their breath.
Yeosang blurts out, “This was not what I was expecting when I came over here tonight.” Jongho laughs loudly at that, gums on display. Yeosang chuckles along with him and Jongho wraps both hands around him to bring him flush into his chest.
“Nice surprise, then?”
“Yea,” he giggles into his chest. They settle back down into each other’s body, basking in the familiar warmth of the other. Yeosang closes his eyes and his mind is finally quiet after days and days of working on overdrive. He knows there are answers to questions not fully formed that he needs from Jongho. He knows they have to talk more about what they want from each other and to find out what this could look like. But tonight, he is so tired. He’s content to breathe in the strong muskiness of Jongho and to not feel bad about the way his skin tingles with excitement wherever they touch.
“Hyung, do you want to stay over tonight?” Yeosang’s eyes fly open when he hears the question. Jongho must see the surprise in his eyes because he quickly corrects, “Just to sleep!” And in true Jongho fashion, his gaze quickly turns mischievous. He pulls Yeosang in even closer, “So naughty, hyung. You have a long flight very soon, I can’t have you uncomfortable for that.”
Yeosang gasps in shock, pulling back against Jongho’s arms who easily lets him go as he laughs to himself. Yeosang slaps the other’s chest, “That was awful!”
“You said you liked my confidence!” Jongho defends himself, still laughing. Yeosang rolls off the bed away from the menace.
“I know and I’m mad that it kinda worked on me.” Jongho starts madly giggling at that. Cheeks pushing up at his eyes, gums on full display. His giggles only intensify when he catches Yeosang pouting. Yeosang walks around the bed to Jongho’s side and reaches down to Jongho’s face, palming his face, tracing the outline of his cheekbones as his giggles slowly die down. “But that’s a yes. I’d love to stay the night.” He quietly whispers.
He helps Jongho out of bed, who goes to find him some sleep clothes and an extra toothbrush. They go about their routines quietly and settle back into bed, in the same position as before. Jongho brushes a few kisses on the top of his head as they settle in for the night. They quietly say goodnight to each other and Yeosang falls asleep faster than he has in weeks, mind finally quiet, tangled in the arms and legs of the man of his dreams.
----------
Yeosang wakes up first to his quiet alarm. As he comes into his body, he realizes they hadn’t moved much in the night. His head is still pillowed on Jongho’s chest and their legs are tangled under the cover. With a sigh, he untangles himself and smiles as he sits up because of the pout on Jongho’s face even in his sleep. He’s quickly becoming obsessed with the other’s lips.
He drags himself out of bed and pads out to the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He stops short when he sees Wooyoung standing over the stove working on his breakfast. Wooyoung looks up, looks back down, and then looks back up with shock, clearly taking a moment to register that Yeosang is still here. Wooyoung opens his mouth and Yeosang can just tell something very loud is about to escape his mouth so he all but runs over to him to shut him up. He slaps a hand over Wooyoung’s mouth to muffle any noises.
“Shut up,” Yeosang hisses, “Jongho’s still sleeping.” Wooyoung screeches from under his hand. Yeosang slowly moves his hand away, but ready to pounce again if Wooyoung gets loud.
“Sooooo, good night?”
“Nothing happened!” Yeosang quickly protests, blushing profusely. Wooyoung raises an eyebrow, still smirking, but goes back to working on his eggs.
“So it was a platonic sleepover?”
“Well,” Wooyoung looks sharply up at him, “we talked about…. things.”
“Things?”
“Feelings, I guess.”
“And? Are you ready to talk about it?” Yeosang starts moving around the kitchen to get himself some coffee and water, busying himself to let his mind wake up more before answering. Wooyoung lets him, humming himself over his eggs.
Once Yeosang has some caffeine in himself and Wooyoung plates the eggs, splitting them on two plates, Yeosang answers quietly, “It went well. We kissed.”
Wooyoung splutters over the coffee he had just inhaled and after his choking dies down he whisper yells, “Why the hell did you leave me in suspense?! I was working on a comforting speech! And a lecture for Jongho!” Yeosang softly chuckles at how easy it is to rile up his friend.
“Sorry! It hasn’t really set in.” Wooyoung’s face softens.
“I’m happy for you. Both of you.”
“Thanks,” Yeosang smiles back and tucks himself into his breakfast he didn’t even have to ask for.
“So?”
“So what?”
“Give me the details!”
“Um. He asked me to come over. We talked. I ended up blurting out my feelings. He asked to kiss me. Then we went to bed.”
Wooyoung looked like he was hanging on to every word. When Yeosang turned back to his breakfast, his friend huffed. “That was hardly details, but I’ll give you a pass because we have to head to the airport like now. Go say bye to your boy.”
It was Yeosang’s turn to choke on his breakfast. He manages to get out through a mouth full of food, “He’s not my boy.”
“We’ll talk more about that later. But get moving.” Yeosang obeys because it’s easier, handing his empty plate to Wooyoung with a thanks for breakfast. He walks back to Jongho’s room and quietly opens the door. He shuffles around the room as quietly as he can to get dressed in his outfit from yesterday, texting Yunho to grab his go bag before leaving the apartment. He looks towards the bed when he hears movement.
“Hyung?” Jongho softly asks, rubbing his eyes, lips pursed. He extends a hand out to Yeosang and makes a grabby motion. Yeosang moves over to the side of the bed and takes his hand.
“I have to leave for the airport soon,” Yeosang says quietly. Jongho nods, eyes barely open.
“Have a safe trip. We’ll talk more when you get back,” Jongho promises, squeezing his hand.
“Okay.”
“Kiss me goodbye.” Jongho cutely demands and purses his lips. Yeosang can’t help the blush that heats up his whole face. Still, he leans down and plants a soft kiss on the younger. It’s chaste to avoid morning breath, but it’s full of promise. Yeosang pulls away reluctantly and brushes some hair off Jongho’s forehead, whose eyes are quickly closing again. He drops his hand and moves to pick up his things. As he opens the door, Jongho softly calls out, “Text me, please.”
“I will,” he promises.
----------
The schedule was fine. Quick and uneventful. He ate some good food with the others. They performed well on stage. He and Jongho texted a lot, and Wooyoung didn’t stop trying to get more details out of him. As helpful as Wooyoung has been since he first panicked over his feelings, Yeosang doesn’t want to get in his head too much before they’re able to talk more. He’s trying to stay in the happy warmth of the bed, replaying their first kiss over and over again.
The near constant conversation thread with Jongho helps a lot. Something is even cuter about Jongho. He’s sent a few selfies – in the vocal studio, at rehab, cuddled in bed (which are Yeosang’s favorites). He’s also sent Tik Toks that he thinks Yeosang would like. It’s the same but also different, and that difference settles the anxiety ebbing in the back of his head, to know that something tangibly changed for Jongho too that night.
He is brimming with excitement to see Jongho by the time they land back in Seoul a few days later. He was basically wiggling in his seat and Wooyoung loudly asked San if he could have a sleepover in the car back to their neighborhood, sending Yeosang an unsubtle look.
He rushes through his unpacking routine when he gets back to his apartment, but spends some extra time cleaning himself in the shower just in case.
He’s outside the door of Jongho’s apartment in no time. Before he raises his hand to knock on the door, a wave of panic violently shoots down the entire length of his body down to his toes. He swears he can feel his heartbeat down there. He takes a step back from the door in case Jongho is nearby. He takes deep breaths in and out. Reminding himself that Jongho told him he likes him.
Breathe in.
This is real.
Breathe out.
This isn’t all in his head.
Breathe in.
Jongho asked him to come over.
Breathe out.
He didn’t change his mind.
Breathe in.
He was excited for this.
Breathe out.
He can do this.
On the final exhale and with a nod to himself, heartbeat still racing but firmly felt within his chest, he knocks on the door.
----------
He looks down from his perch on Jongho, knees resting on either side of his hips. He finally asks a question that’s been nagging at him for a few days. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Why didn’t you?” Jongho counters with a playful raised eyebrow.
Yeosang lightly punches his shoulder, “I did!”
Jongho scoffs, “We both did by that logic.”
“Answer my question,” Yeosang responds laughing, punching him again. Jongho moves to grab Yeosang’s wrist to stop the assault.
“Fine. Fine. To be honest, I didn’t think you’d be into me.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I mean look at you. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” Yeosang’s face heats up. He bends down to press a searing kiss onto the younger’s lips. When Yeosang pulls away, Jongho releases his wrist and moves his hand to rake some hair behind Yeosang’s ear, letting his hand linger on his jawline. “I’ve liked you forever, hyung, so I resigned myself to just being a good friend.” Yeosang gasps at the admission. He had no idea. Jongho tucks another piece of hair back and adds, “I haven’t been able to look away from you since you walked through the doors into the old basement practice room.”
Yeosang ducks his head down into Jongho’s neck and inhales the other’s scent, not able to look at the other with the force of that admission. Their chests are pressed together and Jongho’s hold around his waist is solid. Yeosang never wants to move, and then he remembers something and pulls back up to look into Jongho’s eyes.
“I thought you were painfully straight until recently.” Jongho laughs loudly at that, all gummy smile.
“I thought I was too until I met you.” Jongho moves his other hand from his waist down to Yeosang’s ass and squeezes, pulling Yeosang impossibly closer, “You caused quite the gay panic for me.”
“You’re lying.”
“Why would I lie?”
“You’re flattering me.”
Jongho pauses his ministrations of Yeosang’s ass and his eyes grow serious, “I promise you, I’m not lying.” He moves his hand to Yeosang’s neck to pull him back down so his lips can graze Yeosang’s jawline. He kisses along it and up towards his ear and quietly says in between presses of lips, “Have you never wondered why you’re the only hyung I get handsy with? Sometimes I can’t help myself.”
Yeosang can’t help the whine that escapes at the words or the aborted grind of his hips against Jongho’s when strong hands squeeze again. Jongho groans against his ear and says, “Fuck, hyung, you sound so good.”
Yeosang moves against the hand on his neck so he can kiss the other, pouring all his feelings into it. Their lips move against each other, further mapping out the contours of the other's mouth. He pulls back to catch his breath, sitting up more, hands resting on Jongho’s strong pecs. “For the record, you’re exactly my type.”
Jongho smirks up at him, “Am I?”
“Yep,” matching the smirk back down, rubbing his hands along the strong chest below him.
“How so?”
“Fishing for compliments are we?”
“It wouldn’t hurt.” Yeosang laughs but complies.
“Well obviously your strength,” running his hands up Jongho’s chest to his shoulders, squeezing lightly at the broad frame before moving down to his biceps.
“Obviously.”
Yeosang ignores him. He moves his right hand to trace the outline of Jongho’s lips. “I love your lips and how you’re always pouting.” Jongho pouts between Yeosang’s fingers and Yeosang laughs at him again. “It softens your presence just the right amount.”
He moves his hand to rake through the messy strands of the younger’s fringe, “Your eyes are beautiful.” He keeps his hands moving down Jongho’s neck, raking over his chest and down to his waist, wrapping his hands around them. “Your whole body is sexy. I love knowing you could hold me down, or up against a wall.” Jongho groans and shifts his hips up against Yeosang’s, seeking friction.
“You’re a menace.”
Yeosang can’t help but giggle, “You asked!”
“C’mere,” Jongho murmurs and Yeosang complies. They get lost in each other’s mouths until they’re both gasping for air. Jongho pulls back and mouths along Yeosang’s neck. “If it weren’t for this knee, I would take care of you so well right now.” Jongho tugs at Yeosang’s earlobe with his teeth, sending sparks down his neck, and making him gasp.
“I can’t wait,” Yeosang gasps. He grinds his hips down and feels the other starting to get hard in his sweats. He tries it again, vying for the delicious friction. Jongho’s hands fly to his hips when their half-hard cocks move against each other through the layers on Yeosang’s next grind down. Jongho’s lips don’t stop moving along his neck and Yeosang continues to grind down like a horny teenager. “You know I’m pretty good with my hips.”
Jongho groans and squeezes his hands on his hips, probably leaving fingertip-shaped bruises for him to find tomorrow, which just makes Yeosang grind down harder. “Trust me I know. You’ve been torturing me for years.”
“I could ride you.” Jongho bucks his hips up at the suggestion. Yeosang pulls back a bit and puts his hands on the other’s hips to hold him down, “But you’d have to promise me you won’t use your knee.”
“Only if you want to. But God hyung I’ll be so good for you.” Yeosang raises an eyebrow at the promise and leans down for another searing kiss, Jongho’s tongue moves against his. Jongho’s hands are restless on his body, running up and down his waist down to his ass, squeezing every time Yeosang’s cock makes contact with his.
“Yeah, I really want to.” Jongho surges back up for another kiss, but Yeosang pulls away after a moment. He shuffles down his body until he’s resting on the other’s shins. “Do I need to take this off?” He gestures at the brace trapping Jongho’s sweats on his body. Jongho nods and sits up to help him buckle his leg out of the contraption.
Once his knee is free, Yeosang moves his hand along the waistband of Jongho’s pants, lightly tracing the skin there. He pulls them down along with his boxers, revealing Jongho’s rapidly hardening cock. Yeosang’s mouth waters as he takes him in. He’s not particularly long, but he’s thick just like the rest of his body.
Yeosang peels his eyes away from Jongho’s dick to look at the other, whose mouth is open in a pant. “Can I?” And Jongho’s nodding before the question is even finished. He leans down and presses kisses along his inner thighs, noticing the twitch of the taut muscles under his touches. He moves along closer, leaving the lightest caresses in his wake.
Finally he reaches his destination and takes an inhale of the scent emanating from Jongho. He mouths from the base of Jongho’s half-hard dick up to the tip before wrapping his lips around the very top. He moves his hand to squeeze the base to help him along. He runs his tongue in a circle around the tip, continuing to move his hand up and down hoping the slide isn’t too rough for Jongho.
He looks up, tip still in his mouth. He makes eye contact with Jongho and sucks. Jongho tenses and curses, clearly fighting with himself to keep his hips in place.
“Fuck, hyung.” Yeosang hums, pleased with the compliment. He continues working Jongho with his mouth. Before long Jongho huffs out, “Sangie, Sangie, please, come here.”
Yeosang pulls off with a pop. He wipes his spit-slick mouth off with the back of his hand and looks at Jongho, silently asking why he was made to stop.
“I need to be inside you.” Yeosang frantically nods, he needs that too. He pushes up and crawls back up Jongho’s body and surges for a kiss, tongues battling, the feeling of Jongho’s bare cock grinding up under him nearly unbearable. Jongho pulls back and Yeosang barely holds in a whine. “Take these off please.” Jongho pleads, pulling on Yeosang’s sweats. Yeosang scrambles off of Jongho, careful of the knee, and pulls off his sweats and boxers. He takes off his shirt too while he’s at it. “Fuck Sangie you’re so hot.”
Yeosang needs to kiss him for that. He quickly swings his legs back over Jongho’s torso and surges in for a kiss. Jongho’s hands move to his ass, palming and squeezing the cheeks in time with the motion of their lips.
“Can I prep you?” Jongho asks against his lips. Yeosang nods, breathless and speechless. He doesn’t know if he can form words right now, he’s so worked up. “Fuck. Ok. Can you grab my lube from that drawer over there?” Yeosang, doesn’t think he’s stopped nodding to be honest. He leans over and finds the lube and puts it back in Jongho’s hands.
Lube acquired and warmed up, Jongho moves his hands back to Yeosang’s ass. Yeosang gasps and arches his back, basically pushing his ass back into Jongho’s hands when he feels the first cool touch of Jongho’s fingers. Jongho’s fingers send sparks shooting up his spine with each thrust. His elbows give out and he pushes his face into Jongho’s neck, mouthing at the skin he finds there as Jongho continues working him. His fingers are thicker than his own. Each slide in and out deliciously filling him up.
By the time Jongho has three fingers worked inside of him, Yeosang is panting and sweating, hard and rutting against Jongho’s strong torso. With unsure arms, he pushes himself up. He looks at Jongho who is almost pouting in concentration as he continues to thrust into Yeosang.
“I’m ready.” Yeosang gasps out, quiet. He’s so ready. He’s already shaking.
“Me too, I’m so so ready Sangie.” With his free hand, he pulls Yeosang in for a deep kiss, simultaneously pushing his fingers into a spot in him that makes him see stars, makes his toes curl.
Yeosang moans into the younger’s mouth and clumsily pulls at Jongho’s hands. Jongho pulls his fingers out as Yeosang leans back, who reaches back to find the bottle of discarded lube. He turns back to Jonho’s dick, quickly slicking him up. Yeosang is moving quickly and clumsily, not able to move fast enough to get Jongho in him.
“Sangie,” Jonho breathes out. “Sangie.” Yeosang looks at him and cocks his head. “God you’re perfect.” Yeosang ducks his head, static noise ringing in his head, cheeks hot. He scoots back to line himself up with Jongho’s dick, hovering his ass over the slicked up member, and he looks at Jongho who nods emphatically. Jongho’s dick catches on his rim and they both moan. Slowly, so slowly, in contrast to his previously frantic motions, Yeosang slides down Jongho, pausing occasionally to adjust. The whole time, Jongho keeps his hands on his hips, holding tightly, gasping occasionally.
When he’s down to the base, hips flush with each other, he looks at Jongho and smiles. Jongho fills him up so well, he feels so full. Jongho just stares back. They don’t need words in this moment. Yeosang loves hearing Jongho’s tight, quick inhales. Loves hearing how hard he’s working to keep still. He can feel it in the ways that Jongho’s fingers tighten when Yeosang adjusts his position. He leans back to rest a hand on Jongho’s thigh and experimentally pushes his hips up. The slide was delicious, so was the way Jongho’s eyes zeroed in on the movement of his hips. So he did it again, soon finding a rhythm. The slap of their skin echoed around the room, only broken by the occasional grunt from Jongho or whine from Yeosang.
He continues to roll his hips up and down Jongho’s cock with precision and control, slamming his hips back down. Jongho tries to buck his hips up at some point, but Yeosang moves his other hand to his hips, cocking an eyebrow and holding him down. Jongho whines.
“Fuck Sangie, you’re so fucking hot, fuck.” Yeosang moves his other hand to Jongho’s other hip bone to hold him down. The new angle makes Jongho hit a spot so deep in him that his vision gets spotty on the next slam down of his hips. He speeds up the rhythm, not sure how much longer he can keep going, but he knows he’s close by the way his gut is tightening and the feel of his dick slapping his stomach.
“I’m so close.” Jongho gasps out. Yeosang is breathing too hard to respond, not wanting to stop. Jongho must see he’s close because he moves a hand to the older’s dick, timing the movement of his hand up and down with Yeosang’s thrusts.
They both come like that. Jongho first, who bucks up into Yeosang with a grunt despite the strong arms holding him down. Then Yeosang comes, slamming down on Jongho, who still holds his dick tight. He can’t hold in the loud moan that escapes him as his vision blacks out, beads of sweat dripping down onto Jongho’s chest, his cum shooting out to mix in. He slows, but fights the burn in his thighs to keep up a slow movement up and down Jongho’s dick to ride it out.
Eventually Yeosang slows his movement, thighs burning, heart racing. He stills and looks down at the younger who is smiling up at him, chest heaving, covered in sweat and fluids.
He groans as he pushes up on his thighs one more time to pull off and all but collapses on Jongho’s good side, ignoring the feeling of everything leaking out of him. Jongho reaches over, and pushes his sweaty hair off his forehead and behind his ear, still softly smiling.
“You really can ride,” Jongho says, breaking out into his dorky grin. Yeosang punches him in the shoulder.
“Shut up, you’re so dumb,” but he’s smiling.
“I’m serious!” They’re both giggling now, their heart rates having come down from the exertion. As the giggles die down, they’re both quiet. Just enjoying the moment, their warm sweaty skin touching. His mind is quiet, except for one niggling thought.
He rolls his head over to look at Jongho who was already looking at him. Jongho wiggles an eyebrow at him. Yeosang can’t help but smile fondly at him.
“Hyung, normally I would be such a gentleman and go get something to help you clean up and get you water and -”
“Jongho,” Yeosang interrupts. “It’s ok, I know.” Jongho is pouting, looking genuinely put out that he can’t move around as he wants. He’s too cute for Yeosang not to push himself up and give him a light kiss.
With a groan, he pushes himself up to find a towel to clean them both up. Jongho continues to pout but accepts the help.
Once clean, hydrated, and cuddled back in bed, the niggling thought continues to pop up in his head. He stiffens in Jongho’s hold, who has been humming something while running his hands up and down his back.
“You ok?”
“Yes.”
“Sangie.”
“I’m good I swear.” Jongho hums in assent and goes back to his quiet singing. But Yeosang can’t get back to the relaxed headspace he was just in.
“It’s just,” Yeosang interrupts Jongho who stops and looks down at him. “You liked it right?” Yeosang can’t believe he just asked that and buries his head in the pillow above Jongho’s shoulder, unable to look him in the eye.
“I’m going to be cheesy right now, so you better be ready,” Jongho says seriously. “Yeosang, it was literally a dream come true for me. I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have experienced that with you.”
Well now Yeosang was too embarrassed for a different reason, but he’s smiling into the pillow, cheeks heating, and he squirms, wiggling deeper into the warmth from Jongho's body. He can't help it.
“Ok, I just wanted to make sure.” Jongho doesn’t make him come out of the face cave he’s burrowed himself into, just continues to run his hand up and down his back.
He’s not sure how long they stay like that, but eventually the humming stops . It’s late and when he looks at Jongho, he is greeted with a gummy smile and tired eyes.
He shyly caresses Jongho’s face and whispers, “I had fun too.”
Jongho whispers back, “Good.”
----------
The schedule doesn’t get easier for Yeosang. It’s just as grueling as he expected all those months ago.
But he gets through it.
He facetimes Jongho constantly. They watch movies, they play games, and Jongho even sleepily keeps count of his reps for him in the gym from time to time. Jongho tells him about the changing weather back in Seoul, about the hyung who’s leading his rehab, and stories from colleagues back in the building. It’s good. They’re good.
They don’t have a name for what they’re doing, but they’re not a secret either. The members have started coming to him for signs of life from their youngest. To send along their wishes for him to get better quickly.
He’s tired. His body has no idea what time zone it is in at any time. And there’s a low-level simmering of anxiety from not being settled in one place for long enough
But he’s also happy. And excited for the future. And counting down the days for Jongho to rejoin them on the road.