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“We gather here today to commemorate our dear friend, who we’ve tragically lost, Applejack.” Twilight Sparkle stood before her friends at the graveside, all in various states of despair, mourning their lost friend.
“I’m not dead guys, I’m right here.” Applejack stood off to the side, looking unimpressed with the other ponies present.
“Well, you’re dead to us.” Fluttershy looked to Applejack, displeased by her interruption.
“All this just because I didn’t want to join your polycule?”
“It’s not that you rejected us, Applejack, it’s how you did it.” Twilight Sparkle provides.
“Hey, I just don’t agree with the lifestyle, alright? You can do whatever you like so long as you leave me out of it.”
Twilight Sparkle stares at Applejack, trying to comprehend her thought process. “That’s not… you know what? Never mind.” She turns and begins waling away, the other four ponies following behind.
“It’s just my opinion, you don’t have to go and be such a snowflake about it.” Applejack mumbles to herself as she watches her friends go.
The penta-pony polycule had made their way to Twilight Sparkles house to settle down after what had transpired at the graveyard. The five of them sat in a circle, deciding it would be best to discuss their relationship to avoid anything similar from happening in the future.
“So, I think the first step in this process should be to confirm everyponys stance on gay rights. Everypony agrees?” Twilight Sparkle took charge of every meeting they had, whether it be a friendly get-together, date, or because a terrible disaster plaguing ponyville. She was the main character, so alas, she had to do it.
A chorus of “Yeah”’s filled the circle as everypony agreed.
“Good. So, Rarity, do you support gay rights?”
“I am gay, dear.” She responds, deadpanned.
“SHE’S AVOIDING THE QUESTION!” Pinkie Pie yells, pointing accusingly at Rarity.
“We’re literally dating!”
“That still doesn’t answer the question.” Twilight Sparkle retorts. “I guess this means you’re out of the polycule.”
“WHAT?!” Rainbow Dash finally cuts in, “You can’t just kick her out of the polycule for a stupid reason like that. You didn’t even ask the rest of us our opinions!”
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy nod in agreement with Rainbow Dash, making Twilight Sparkle glare at them for siding with the clearly wrong side in the argument. Nobody noticed Spike hiding behind the door frame, watching his five adoptive mothers fight in the middle of the room.
“I want a divorce!” Pinkie Pie shouts, “I can’t handle being in a relationship anymore with ponies as immature as you!”
“I want a divorce too.” Fluttershy agrees.
“We can’t get a divorce.” Twilight Sparkle tries to reason. “We were never even married.”
“Well, I want one anyway.” Rarity begins packing things into a conveniently placed suitcase to accentuate he point. Though since she didn’t live there, she ended up packing just Twilight Sparkles books, which were the only things in the house anyways. “And I’m taking Spike.”
“Wait, you can’t take Spike.” Twilight Sparkle argues.
“Yeah, why should you get sol custody of him?” Rainbow Dash asks.
Rarity goes to answer, but Twilight Sparkle cuts her off, “Nobody is taking Spike. He lives here and is my unethical science experiment given to me when I was in middle school. He stays here.”
“Fine, you can have him during the weekdays, but I still want him on weekends.”
“NO! You can’t have him at all!”
“You only want him for the child support, well I’m not paying!”
“I never even wanted kids!” Fluttershy butts in.
“STOP!” Spike runs into the room. “Just look at you all, fighting over such stupid things! You’re all y moms, and even if you don’t love each other anymore, or get along, you all still love me. So please, stop fighting each other and just be friends. We can work something out, together, right?” Spike was standing in the middle of the ponies as they stared at him, surely moved by his heartfelt speech about love and friendship.
“Wow Spike. That was so enlightening.” Rainbow Dash wipes a tear from her eye. “It really made me realize that I;m actually straight and never really loved any of you at all.”
“Wait, that wasn’t supposed to-” Spike was shocked by the development.
“I’m gonna go kiss boys now, See ya!” Rainbow dash flies away.
“You know what? Me too.” Pinkie Pie also flies away to everyponies surprise.
“I think I’m straight now as well.” Fluttershy also leaves.
Spike and Twilight Sparkle both look to Rarity, expecting her to to also denounce her lesbianism and leave. “What?” She she asks, “I’m still very much homosexual. Just not for you.”
They all continue standing there for some time, awkwardly avoiding eye-contact until Twilight Sparkle decides to break the silence. “You know what? I think I’m going to apologize to Applejack.” She then meekly shuffles out the door before popping back in a few seconds later. “Watch Spike for me while I’m gone.”
The door shuts and Rarity tuns to Spike. “Go pack your things darling, we need to be gone before she comes back.”
“What for?” Spike looks to her, confused.
“You think I was kidding about the custody thing? Ha! The last thing I’m going to be doing is paying child support.”
“You do know this wont hold up in court, right? You’ll probably be charged with kidnapping or something.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, now chop-chop!” She ushers Spike up to his room to pack his pitiful bag of his stuff.
Later, Rarity did indeed get charged with kidnapping, but was able to charm the judge into a lighter sentence, definitely not using blackmail, and even got partial custody of Spike on the weekends… somehow.
Twilight Sparkle and Applejack able to make up (and make out) about their problems, and Applejack got over her homophobia.
As for the rest of the mane crew? They all lived very sad, boring lives. With sad, boring nine-to-five jobs, because being straight is not nearly as fun as being gay.
That’s the moral of the story, folks. The end.