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It’s maybe the thirty-sixth loop when Abaddon realizes that maybe, just maybe, Nathan’s death is his fault. It makes sense. Abaddon knows he’s aggravating. Katherine has called him the source of her problems time and time again, and Nathan seemed so happy when he’d first found Abaddon. It wasn’t until a few months later that he’d gone downhill.
So, of course it stands to reason that Abaddon had simply made his caregiver so miserable that he killed himself. He should be happy about this. He’s a demon. His whole purpose is to solve pain. But it feels like something’s clawing at Abaddon’s stomach from the inside, and he doesn’t know what it is.
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Abaddon is already in the hole, so he’s left to wait for Nathan and think about how to be good.
Eventually, Nathan comes, greeting Abaddon with that “hey, bud,” like he has every single time. And Abaddon smiles and takes his hand, like he has every other time.
And he tries to be at least a little better than he was every other time. He answers Nathan’s questions as honestly as he can, he tries to eat the sandwich Nathan makes him at the hotel neatly. Hell, he only argues once when a bath is brought up. And it goes on like that for almost two years. Abaddon makes less messes, only scares guests who he really doesn’t like (though some get scared when he isn’t trying), and tries to help out more, but that backfires half the time and Abaddon is scared that maybe he’s making things worse.
He tries not to think about that.
But he knows for certain that he is when he finds Nathan slumped over in his favorite armchair in the lounge with pill bottles at his feet and vomit spilling from his lips and blank eyes and no one else finds him for at least a week Abaddon doesnt know he doesnt remember and he’s not keeping track of the days this time around he cant its all his fault hes useless useless useless and-
Abaddon can’t save the Freelings this time around.
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Abaddon doesn’t dig the hole for the first time ever in the thirty-seventh loop. It’s cold in the forest, and maybe he’s lonely (no, that's wrong, demons don't get lonely) lacking companionship, but this way, Nathan will never meet him, and never die. Eventually, Abaddon thinks, his attachment to the Freelings will wear off having never met them, and he can go find his acolytes and cause the apocalypse guilt-free.
But then Nathan finds him resting in a tree, and everything goes the same way as it always does.
Abaddon doesn’t try for the next few loops. He doesn’t know how he could.
-
He finally realizes, sitting in the hole for the fourty-fourth time, that he’s an idiot. Abaddon is thousands of years old. He’s lived the entire history of the world over and over again, and just now, is he realizing that maybe, just maybe, he should hide the pills. It’s so obvious he wants to laugh. It’s still because of Abaddon of course, he knows that, but at least Nathan won’t actually be able to do anything to himself this time.
In the months leading up to Nathan’s death, Abaddon hides the pills, bottle by bottle. He flushes some, and buries some in the woods, and even keeps some in the vents just to keep an eye on them.
They make it past Nathan’s death date for the first time, and Abaddon almost wants to cry because he did it, he did it, he did it!
Nathan shoots himself in the mouth the next day with a gun Abaddon didn’t know he owned.
Abaddon vomits when he finds him, which is odd, because he’s seen much, much worse. Done much worse. He goes back early this time, because he didn't want to look at the gory mess for days. He probably deserves to, though, as a reminder of what he caused. It takes five more loops for Abaddon to figure out where he keeps the gun.
When Abaddon hides the pills and the gun, Nathan hangs himself.
When Abaddon hides the pills and the gun and the rope and tries so so so hard to be good to not make any mistakes and Nathan jumps off the top floor of the hotel Abaddon gives up. That makes him even worse, probably, but he’s so tired of failing. He’s starting to think that if he ever gets back to Hell, he’ll be one of the damned.
-
Abaddon gets it, finally, on the hundredth loop. He gives up his glory, but he saves the Freelings. But he still feels guilty. Just a little bit.
Because he still has blood on his hands.