Chapter Text
Saku’s thumbs hovered over his phone nervously. His thoughts were running in circles. “Should I really tell them?” “Is it the right time?” “What will they say” were just a few of the myriad of thoughts running through his head. The timing, he thought, was only going to be more complicated as the matter between Chidori and Kikyo was still unresolved. But the flip side was that he was positive that whatever amounts of willpower he had been dedicating to keeping his secret as secret as he could, was only going to last so long and the result of the conflict was likely to be a real test of that willpower. As such he had landed on giving his friends the heads up, so as to not surprise them should something happen.
He knew all too well that if Subaru were given the chance to say some things about the future going forward with no restraint, out of either the joy of not having to run around in hiding, or there being some consequences that were less than ideal, she could very easily say something that would blast through any defense he thought he could set up. “Having you by my side puts me at ease” tumbled into his mind. It put a smile on his face. At that moment he was happy he was alone in his room, otherwise Mio might think the wrong thing if she had seen him.
He broke himself out of his love struck stupor and began to text his friends.
“Hey guys, was wondering if the 4 of us could get together soon to talk about something….. important.”
Moments later, as if they were all waiting to say something themselves, or if they had suspected something was coming, all 3 responded in quick succession with “Does tomorrow work for everyone?”
A quick round of confirmations and Saku was locked into his confession, and his thoughts.
*Saku’s POV*
I lay awake, thinking of the past, thinking of where we had come as a group, as friends. No matter what I did to avoid it though, her silver locks and graceful smile just wouldn’t leave me alone. I thought back to when I realized what I thought the truth was in regards to her, it was such a powerful moment unrecognized by anyone, but in the end, I found it simple to say that through my observations of who she’d been, and who she had become, her belief in me while I felt low, the reassurances that it would be ok, were simply the actions of a friend and that in my own way, I needed to protect the sanctity of those actions. For however much they meant to me, they wouldn’t be seen by her in the same way.
There was a lingering sense that she could help with every problem I could ever face, but not this one. The guys may not understand either, and as I could teach them about so much, this felt like a place no one could teach me about but this wasn’t something about teaching. The burden of loving her from afar was mine to bear, no one else’s. But burden wasn’t even the right word, it was too heavy, too attached to a negative connotation. It hurt so much knowing that I couldn’t do anything about her heart, but wait, and even then, life offered no guarantees. I could just as easily be one of the guys to her. So while loving her wasn’t a burden, but a joy, watching and being able to do nothing…… that was a burden. I had resolved to say nothing. No smile was going to crack that resolve. Steadfast in that resolution, I felt like I had a way forward.
At least that was how I felt at the time. Now…… all I hear is “having you by my side…… makes me feel at ease after all” on repeat. And the smile on her face….. is etched in my mind. She just seemed so calm and happy about it. Whatever resolve I thought I had built up, she just unknowingly drove a train into it. I don’t see how the others didn’t notice, the girls made up some reason to talk to her and clean her up from the waves, and the guys and I messed around in the water. Even the thought of being able to smile normally that had crept into my mind, seemed like it had been seen through. Maybe I’m too obvious now, but I’m still in no position to say anything to her. That’s about the only thing saving me from screaming at this point.
Those words she spoke….. just added to the memories of the last ones that still ring in my ears to this day, months later. And while I know I can get my walls back up, these added echoes…. What kind of wear do they add to the wall? What really remains of my resolve, and what happens the next time she says something that direct? Saying I won’t tell her, has become so much harder, I don’t think it’s a matter of won’t anymore, likely a matter of can’t or else I could really screw things up for her. The last thing she needs is to have her world turned upside down by a moment of weakness on my part. And yet…… a moment like that…… is one I dare not dream of, lest I become attached to it. She deserves so much more…..
Even if I won’t tell her yet, the weight of these feelings is becoming heavy. I hope sharing them with someone else will help with them and that I’ll feel lighter. Slowly but surely, I feel a transformation, not forward, but not backward either, and it’s something I’m not thrilled with the direction of. Maybe tomorrow will provide answers….
*End POV*
Sleep finally overtook him, a sense of calm amongst the growing internal storm over how he felt about Subaru and the suppression of his feelings. And as tomorrow became today, and the sun rose to wake him from slumber, his first thought of the day went to a beach, a smile, and a feeling on the other side of the turmoil that was an unmistakable joy.