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The life of a retired football player was way less packed than most could imagine. Jannik had much more free time in a week now than he ever had in months while he was playing, however, now, at 37, he was thankful for that. Years and years of high level training and playing were now taking their toll in his body, so a calmer life was more than ideal.
He loved football, he still does, and he’ll always be thankful that he could live his childhood dream of becoming a professional football player (and becoming a millionaire in the process). Still, that life doesn’t come without a price and little to no free time wasn’t the only item on the bill.
That day, Jannik was going to a meeting with a friend who worked for a fashion brand that was interested in hiring Jannik for their new campaign; he had already done multiple campaigns for different brands when he was active, specially for sport brands, so he thought that he would give it a shot.
When he arrived, his friend was already at the hall, waiting for him:
—Jannik, man! So nice to see you, glad you came.
—Thanks, Mathis, nice to see you too! Yeah, the samples your team sent looked pretty good, thought I could give it a chance.
—Great, let’s go to the meeting room, the rest of the team will be there soon so we can settle everything.
They went to the elevator and just when the doors were about to close, a young man slid in at the very last moment. He looked a bit flushed, maybe for the little run to catch the elevator, maybe for bursting in an elevator where one of the big names of the company was in. His eyes comically opened when he saw Mathis.
—Oh, sorry. Good morning Mr. Martin, sir…
His eyes opened a bit more if that was even possible, and his cheeks went a bit redder when he saw the other man standing in the elevator.
—Alcaraz, good morning. Actually, it’s quite convenient to see you; we’ll be in a meeting so, please, take my calls for the next couple of hours.
Still a bit flushed, this guy, Alcaraz, nodded to Mathis. They reached their floor and Jannik followed Mathis to the room where the rest of the team in charge of the campaign would be, but Jannik’s side eye kept following the intern that had shared the elevator ride with them. He was cute, handsome, and Jannik had seen the way the other man had looked at him; it didn’t look like recognition, not like “oh my god, Jannik Sinner, football star”, it looked more like the way you look at a supermarket crush, that “oh my god, I definitely didn’t expect someone attractive right here”. Jannik knew he sometimes had that effect on some people, he was attractive. However, when you’re a famous, rich athlete, there’s always the doubt there “are they really interested in me or in what they could take from a relationship with me?”. So that’s why most of the time, Jannik just did what he did in that moment, he flashed a smile and a little wink to the boy and just kept following Mathis.
It’s not that Jannik never dated anyone, he’d had a couple of long term girlfriends, nevertheless, these relationships were more based on friendship, trust and comfort than love. Jannik liked women, he felt attracted to them, however, he’d never seen himself spending the rest of his life with a woman, because, even though he liked them, he’d always prefer men. He’d always known, since he was a hormonal teenager; he’d always known that if he wanted to have a successful career as a football player he’d better not say it, too. Many times, during the almost twenty years he’d been active he’d thought about giving it a try and date a man, but he’d never had the courage to do it, the fear of being outed and losing everything to big, so he’d had to settle for quick meaningless hook ups with people that he knew wouldn’t speak, most times because they had as much to lose as him.
He shook his head, just before entering the room and tried to focus on the matter that brought him here instead of on the beautiful bright eyes of the boy that he supposed to be an intern. Jannik, dude, get a grip. He thought. Just a cute boy.
The meeting wasn’t too long, Mathis, knowing Jannik, had already talked with his team in order to prepare a contract that would accommodate him, so apart from a few specifications needed everything went smoothly.
—Well, Jannik —said Mathis once they were finished—, this is going to be great; we’re all looking forward to working with you. Now I need to go to another meeting, but we’ll see each other around. I’ll tell my assistant that we’re finished and you can ultimate the timetables with him. It’s the guy we saw in the elevator this morning. I’ll walk you to his desk.
Oh great, the cute guy.
—Hey, Carlos, this Jannik Sinner, he’ll be the face of the spring collection. You’ve already got the info, I’ll need you to ultimate the dates for the fittings and shootings with Jannik.
Carlos looked way more composed than this morning, but he was having a bit of trouble looking directly at Jannik. Good, thought Jannik, this way he won’t see I can’t keep my eyes off him.
—Yes, of course Mr. Martin.
—Mint, I’ll leave you two to it. See you, Jan!
—See you soon, Mathis.
It was at that moment, when they were alone, that Carlos finally looked at Jannik.
God, he really is handsome.
—Mr. Sinner, please, take a seat… —He returned his sight to his computer.— Mmh, so here it says that the fittings will start next week. We could arrange the first fitting Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning or afternoon, the option that suits you better…
—Tuesday morning goes well for me.
They continued for a few minutes arranging their agendas for the preparation of the campaign. Jannik caught the boy looking at him out of the corner of his eye, but if he saw, it only was because he was directly staring at him. There was something in the other man that had captivated him. Maybe it was his eyes, big, brown and bright; maybe his lips, so plein and kissable… GET. A. GRIP. Jannik interrupted his own train of thoughts and tried to refocus on the dates for the first shooting. It wasn’t long before everything was settled.
—Well, that should be all for now — said Carlos—. If you have any question or you need to modify any arrangement, this is my contact —he gave him a little card with a phone number and an e-mail, still shy—.
—Thank you so much, I hope I'll see you around.
WHAT? Really, Jannik I HOPE I’ll see you around?!
Carlos flushed at that. Jannik really wanted to say something to try to fix how that had sounded. Or a big hole that suddenly opened on the ground and swallowed him.
—Oh! Yes… Uhm…
—Carlos! —Suddenly said a woman.— Oh, you’re with Mr. Sinner. Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt. Call me when you’re done. My apologies, Mr. Sinner.
—Please, do not worry, we had already finished. I was about to leave.
Oh my god, thank YOU for interrupting. Maybe I can keep an ounce of dignity.
—Well, I’ll go now, thank you for everything…
—Thank you, Mr. Sinner. I’ll see you around —he said as he sheepishly smiled at Jannik.
Jannik could not stop the little smile that mirrored Carlos’, so he said goodbye to both coworkers again and finally left, with that stupid smile still plastered on his face.
The following week arrived and before Jannik could think about it, Tuesday morning arrived and he was back for the first fitting. At the hall, a woman indicated to him the floor he had to go to and told him that someone would be there waiting for him. He went to the elevator, pressed the button of said floor and when the doors opened again, he saw him. Carlos. He had thought about the cute assistant a couple of times during last week, and wondered if he would actually see him again. He could not decide if seeing him again would actually be a good or a bad thing, thinking about how his little crush could be a distraction, but in that moment, when Carlos saw him and smiled shyly at him he couldn’t help being happy that the other boy was there.
In the end, it indeed was a good thing that Carlos was there. Once they both could overcome the initial awkwardness, they really worked very well together. Carlos was efficiently taking notes and arranging everything with the stylist and communicating with the people in charge of the campaign and, still, he was taking care that Jannik was okay and that his boundaries were respected.
Around two p.m., they were done for the day. They were about to leave, Jannik was hungry and soon he realised that he was not the only one as he heard Carlos’ stomach rumble. He quickly looked to see if someone had heard and flushed when he saw Jannik picking up his things right next to him.
—Someone is hungry.
Really, could I have said something more cliché?!
—Oh! —Carlos laughed—. I usually stop to have lunch around one, so yeah, my stomach is complaining a bit.
—Carlos! —Jannik exclaimed.— You should’ve said it! You should’ve taken your break! Oh my god what time did you start in the morning? You must be starving! I’m so hungry and I surely came way after you!
—No! Don't worry! I’m okay, just a bit hungry, and since my superior told me that today I could leave when we finished here it is okay I’ll just go eat now!
Jannik still felt bad so he did not think when he said:
—Let me invite you to lunch somewhere.
He flushed the moment he said it, and so did Carlos.
—Mr. Sinner, it's really not your fault, really, you don’t have to…
Jannik didn’t want to pressure the other boy, but he had seen the spark in his eyes when we had said it so he just said:
—I know I don’t have to, but I would want to if you wanted, only if you’re comfortable. And please, just call me Jannik, we’ll be working together for this campaign and Mr. Sinner sounds way too formal.
Carlos couldn’t avoid smiling at that and he took Jannik’s offer for lunch. They went to a little Italian place, not far from the company, that Jannik had been to a couple of times that was actually regented by Italians and that reminded him of the flavors of his childhood. Once they were sat, in a secluded corner, since Jannik didn’t want to be recognised too many times.
—So, I know it’s a bit cliché to bring you to an Italian place being an Italian myself, but the food it’s really good, I promise. —Said Jannik once they were seated.
—Oh! It is not a problem at all, I love Italian food! —Said Carlos, smiling.—Hey, can I ask you a question?
—Yes, of course!
—I’m kind of curious, your accent is different from most Italian people I’ve met and your name doesn’t sound typical Italian…
—Yeah, that’s because I’m from the northern part of Italy, the south tyrol, near the Alps; actually, my first language it’s a German dialect.
—That’s really cool! So you used to live near the mountains?
Jannik knew that all this information about him was on the Internet, but Carlos' curiosity seemed genuine so he told him about his childhood, about the snow, and skiing and his family. Carlos, in exchange, told him about his very different childhood in Murcia, where even winters were not even that cold and they laughed, they ate, and the conversation never stopped flowing. When they finished, Jannik insisted on paying everything since it had been his idea.
—Thank you for the invite, I had a really good time and the food was delicious.
Jannik looked at him, and he thought about how he had had a really good time too, and how he couldn’t even remember the last time that he had felt so comfortable spending time with someone that wasn’t his family or one of his closest friends.
—My pleasure, I’ll see you for the next fitting.
—Yes, have a nice day, Jannik — Carlos said with a smile and waved with his hand as he turned to go.
Fashion campaigns were never Jannik’s favourites, so he surprised himself wishing the next session to arrive quickly, just to have the excuse of seeing a certain someone again.
The following weeks came and went among fittings, shootings and Carlos. Jannik did not want Carlos to be hungry again while working and he was thanked with a sweet gracias and a smile when during breaks Jannik offered him some snacks and even when it was not mandatory for him to stay, he still lingered nearby, working with his laptop instead of going back to his desk in another floor of the building, in case Jannik needed something.
They used the breaks to keep chatting like they had done during lunch that first day working together. They talked about everything and about nothing at all; from both of their families and careers, Jannik’s years as a professional football player and Carlos’ wish of becoming a translator and his dream of publishing his own books; to random things such as the tv show they were watching at the moment. Jannik confirmed that Carlos didn’t really know who he was that first time in the elevator but that his face rang a bell and that he had confirmed who he was when he received that same morning the information about the campaign. He even admitted (a bit embarrassed, though) that once he had seen his name, he had googled him; Jannik laughed at that but couldn’t help feeling a bit flattered (and kind of relieved for not being the only one who did not come out of that elevator unaffected).
Almost two weeks after that first meeting, Jannik was getting ready for a gala he had been invited for. To be honest, going to a posh party was not his favourite plan for a Saturday night, but the gala was organized by one of his biggest sponsors during his career, so he kind of couldn’t refuse. The good thing was that the hotel where they had organized it was quite close to his apartment, so he could swing by, take a few pictures and then just take a taxi home.
Jannik arrived fashionably late, not too much to be rude, but enough for the people he should say hello to would already be there. He had done the first round of handshakes and one-armed-clap-on-the-back hugs when he retreated to the bar and what he saw almost made him see red. A couple of meters to the left, a clearly drunk man well over his fifties was disgustingly talking to a bartender in a way that not even himself would probably call “flirting” when sober.
—Cutie, you don’t know what I could give to you, just to be a pretty little thing. You’d just have to be there looking pretty for me. No serving drinks, come on, just looking pretty.
Of the two other men that were with him only one of them had the decency of looking embarrassed and trying to stop him, while the other laughed and told the bartender that “he could earn way more money in a night with that man than he could serving drinks”. Jannik could not see the bartender well due to the bar being circular, but that comment was his limit and he stood up to stop those men when he saw the bartender. Clearly uncomfortable and even a bit helpless. It was Carlos. That was the moment Carlos saw him too, he flushed, embarrassed that Jannik had witnessed that. They both froze for a second, but when Jannik was about to speak, Carlos quickly turned and abandoned the bar, the assholes that had been bothering him before yelling “Where are you going, pretty boy?” not even realizing what had happened right before his eyes.
Carlos' face when he’d seen him was burning in Jannik’s brain; he could not stand the thought of Carlos being ashamed for a situation where he was the victim so he followed the way he’d seen the boy go. He didn’t have to search for too long, he saw him near one of the doors talking to a woman that looked like the head waiter, he came closer and heard that he was asking permission to take a little break; she nodded, seeing that the boy was clearly distressed. Jannik followed him out and then called his name.
—Carlos! Wait!
Carlos stopped then, he turned around and Jannik’s heart sank at the sight of him. Carlos' trademark was his big smile, Jannik cannot remember a moment where Carlos was not smiling after their first awkward moments, so seeing him like this was not only heartbreaking, it felt wrong.
—Jannik… I…
—Those guys were assholes.
—Yeah… I just, I don’t know, I can’t… I’m working there and they are…
—Idiots? Jerks? Pricks? I could contribute with a few Italian words too.
Carlos laughed a little at that.
—Yes, but if I want to keep my job I can’t do much. It’s not usually that bad.
—Do you do many of these gigs? Apart from your job at the company?
—Not many, but some weekends, yes.
—You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but do you need money for something like… urgent? Because I could…
—No! —Carlos interrupted.— It’s not that, it’s just… Do you remember when I told you that I’d always wanted to work in the editorial world? Translating and if… If it was possible to get my own works published?
—Yeah, I do…
—So, there’s a new master that collaborates with a publishing house and I thought that, maybe, if I went there and did well… Maybe…
—That’s really good, Carlos!
—Yes, the thing is that it is quite expensive, so I need the extra money if I want to do it anytime soon. And I already feel like I’m running late, I don’t know…
—Do not think that, you’re only 26, you aren’t running late for anything, you have plenty of time to build your career, and you will do amazing things, I’m sure of that.
—Thank you, Jannik, it really means a lot coming from you.
They looked at each other for a couple of seconds. Jannik didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t like watching Carlos down and he really really wanted to show him that he understood him, that he cared, so, in an impulse he reached for the boy and hugged him. Carlos was fast to react and he returned the hug, putting his hands around Jannik’s waist. They stayed like that for a few seconds more, Jannik running his hands in soothing circles on Carlos' back, Carlos lightly gripping Jannik’s suit jacket.
—I should go back to work… —Said Carlos, stepping back slowly.
—Yeah, I should go and talk to a couple of people too…
They smiled at each other and went back to the room where the gala was taking place. Carlos went back to the bar, and Jannik made the effort of socializing with executives and CEOs of different brands that were or had been sponsoring him. This time, however, he always kept the bar where a certain Spaniard was working within eyesight and if just the sight of the other boy, the occasional shared looks and smiles made his night better, that’s something that he’ll keep for himself.
Carlos arrived home bone tired, however, once he was finally lying on his bed, he couldn’t sleep. The moment he had shared with Jannik kept replaying in his mind, the way his body had felt against Jannik’s. It had been a long time since he had felt such a connection to someone. He had felt attracted to Jannik from the very first moment he had seen him in that elevator, he still remembers how embarrassed he had felt that day when he had to work with him to schedule the dates for the campaign, how he could only think about how gorgeous the man in front of him was.
He thought that it would be one of those momentary crushes that you’ve forgotten by the end of the week though. Jannik’s face had been a bit familiar, but he could not really place it, that’s why, at his desk, when he opened his mail and saw the details of the new campaign, he googled him. The moment he saw that he was a retired football player he snorted. A famous football player. And rich. And probably straight. It was useless to fuel a crush on someone like that, so he tried to shut down any thought about him.
What he didn’t expect was everything that came after that first meeting. Jannik taking him to have lunch that first day when he discovered that he hadn’t eaten anything, how much they talked at the restaurant, how interested in him Jannik seemed to be, the snacks he brought for him during shooting days in case he couldn’t take his lunch break… But specially, he didn’t expect what had happened tonight. And not only the hug, the comforting words, the way he had never gone too far from the bar Carlos was working at, making sure he was okay.
I’m fucked.
This was not a stupid crush anymore. He was falling for Jannik. Hard. And he knew that it was stupid; he knew that, even though Jannik happened to be the nicest person he had ever met, he still was famous, rich and straight. Probably. The thing is, Carlos had seen Jannik interacting with other people, with the members of the team, with Mr. Martin, Jannik’s friend and Carlos’ boss, and… he could see that it was different with him. However, most of the time, Carlos reduced it to wishful thinking and tried to convince himself that he should stop thinking that way about Jannik and forget his stupid crush. It was different tonight. He could feel it. He kept replaying it over and over again. Was it possible to make that out? Was it possible to feel such a strong connection if it was one-sided?
I’m so, so fucked.
***
Jannik woke up and, as it had become usual, the first thing he thought about was Carlos. Yesterday he had hugged him, he had held him so close to himself that all he could smell was the other boy. If he closed his eyes he could perfectly remember the exact way he had felt last night. He had wanted to kiss him; he had been wanting to kiss him for a while. The thing is, he wanted to do it at the right time and until that moment, they hadn’t seen each other outside of work. Yesterday obviously hadn’t been the right time. Jannik still wanted to punch those assholes. He kept thinking about how many hours Carlos worked each week and how he still had to take those extra jobs just to afford the studies that would help him achieve the career of his dreams. The thought of Carlos, always positive, smiling, making everybody else’s life easier, always trying to help. Jannik decided that it was about time that someone did the same for him.
***
Monday evening found Carlos nervously biting a pen while pretending to work on his desk. Today he would see Jannik again after what had happened at the gala. However, he wouldn't actually work with him. Most of the shootings were done, so today the executives and the campaign directors were having a control meeting. Carlos didn’t know if that soothed him or made him even more nervous. That night had been a turning point for him; it had felt different, more, and Carlos didn’t know if he could hide his feelings anymore. He kept looking at the elevator doors, still, his heart skipped a beat when they finally opened to a tall, red-haired man. Jannik stepped into the corridor that led to Carlos’ desk and his face lit up when he saw the Spanish boy. Carlos flushed, but couldn’t help but reciprocate the smile Jannik was showing.
—Hi, Carlos.
—Hola. I’ll tell Mr. Martin that you’re here.
—Thanks. Mhm. I wanted to ask… —Jannik seemed a bit shy all of a sudden.
He’s so cute, oh my god. Carlos couldn’t help but think.
—Yeah, tell me.
—I wanted to ask if, you know, only if you want, maybe we could have dinner tonight, after you’re done working. There’s something I wanted to speak to you about, but if you are busy or tired or something…
OH MY GOD.
—NO, NO! —Carlos interrupted him—. I mean, I’m not busy. Or tired. It’s good for me.
—Great! Then, I’l see you after the meeting?
—Yes! Yes!
They looked at each other for a couple of seconds; suddenly, Carlos opened his eyes widely.
—Oh! I’ll tell now Mr. Martin that you’re here…
—Ah, yeah, yeah, thanks.
Carlos warned his boss about the arrival of his friend and right after, Mr. Martin came out of his office.
—Hey, Jan, let’s go to the meeting room.
—Hi, Math, yeah, let’s go.
Mr. Martin started walking in the direction of the meeting room, with Jannik following him just after, but not before waving one last time to Carlos.
He’s so cute. Oh my God, how am I going to survive tonight?
A wave? Really? I’m so ridiculous.
When Jannik came out of the meeting, Carlos had already finished his shift, so he was just killing time fidgeting with his phone; it wasn’t long until he heard voices coming toward his desk, so he pretended he was just picking up his things.
—Hello, Carlos, still here? —Mr. Martin asked.
—Yes, I wanted to finish something —he blushed, avoiding looking at the real reason that had kept him in the office who happened to stand right next to Mr. Martin—, but now it’s done.
—Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow. Jannik, thanks for coming, I’ll see you soon too —and with that, he went back to his office—.
Jannik and Carlos finally looked at each other once they were alone. Both seemed a bit shy, they had spent many hours together, but except for that lunch at the italian restaurant after their first day of work and their shared moment at the gala, it had never been alone or outside of the company.
—Well, uhm, should we go? —Asked Jannik sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck while they started to walk towards the elevator.
God, I’m close to 40, why can’t I just be normal talking to a guy I like.
—Yes! Even though I must recognise I am a bit worried about what you might want to talk about…
And he was. Once the excitement of Jannik asking him out, the words he’d said about wanting to talk about something had worried him. Was it about something related to the campaign? Then it wouldn’t make sense to go have dinner to talk about it. Would it be about the night of the gala? Did he regret the moment they had shared? Had he realised the feelings Carlos had for him and was uncomfortable? Carlos had gotten to know Jannik and he knew he never wanted other people to feel bad, so maybe he was trying to be nice while telling him that he didn’t want to work with him anymore?
—Oh! Sorry. Sometimes words in English don’t exactly sound how I want them to, but I promise it is good. Well, at least I hope so.
—Oh. Great! —Ay, Dios, how am I going to eat? I'm so nervous, but he said it’s good. What could it be?
They arrived at the restaurant, once again it was one Jannik had suggested because he knew it counted with private booths where they would be safe from the rest of the customers' looks. The waitress accompanied them to one of them and left them alone to decide their orders. They talked a bit about the menu and they decided to share some dishes, the waitress came back, took their orders and then just disappeared again. It was at that moment that Carlos brought back what Jannik wanted to talk to him about.
—So… I am not going to lie, I know you said it was good, but I’m still very curious about what you wanted to tell me.
—Mhm, yeah —Jannik blushed a little bit and seemed a bit nervous, too—. So, I wanted to do something for you, but only if you are comfortable with it, I promise I really want to do it and I don’t want anything in exchange, you wouldn’t owe me anything…
He was interrupted by Carlos gently grabbing his hand.
—Hey, Jan, I know you’re a good person, just say it, do not worry please. I am not going to think anything but about you —he said with a smile—. But you said that you wanted to do something for me? I don’t understand…
—I want to pay your master —Jannik blurted out, interrupting him, Carlos froze—. I’ve just… I’ve seen that the enrollment for the master you spoke about starts in two weeks and I don’t want you to have to wait for another year when I could help you starting it now and you could stop taking those jobs, and, I don’t know, I just think you deserve it.
—Jannik… I… —Carlos couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even form coherent thoughts. Jannik wanted to pay for his master? But, why? Carlos knew that Jannik was rich but, still, it was a lot of money to pay for someone you only knew for a few weeks.— But… It is a lot of money and I could not…
—Carlos, wait. —Jannik cut him again.— Before you panic, I know it’s a lot of money for you, but, I don’t want to sound like an asshole, I promise, it is not a lot of money for me. And I promise I don’t want anything in exchange. As I said, you deserve good things and if I can help with that, I want to do it.
Carlos was still speechless. There was a knot in his throat and tears were gathering in his eyes. The man he had fallen in love with was asking to help him achieve his dreams, without asking for anything in exchange. He wanted to say yes, but at the same time he felt a little embarrassed. Suddenly, a thought came to his mind: were Jannik's feelings for him just reduced to feeling sorry for him? It’s not that he ever thought that held many chances with the Italian…
—Of course you can think about it, or say no. —Jannik said when he saw that the Spanish man didn’t say anything.— And I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable…
—No! —Carlos finally said, his voice coming rough because of how tight his throat felt.— You didn’t do anything wrong, it's just that I…
He finally broke into a sob. Jannik stood up and went next to the boy, lowering himself to be at the same height. The Italian put his hand on Carlos' shoulder, and it was at that moment that Carlos couldn’t hold himself back and threw himself at Jannik, who didn’t even hesitate and held the boy against his body.
—Hey, it’s okay, don't worry —said Jannik caressing the back of Carlos' head—. Take your time, everything is fine.
—Jan, I… You don’t even know how thankful I am. It is just that, I guess that it just made me realise how different our lives are, and how I could never offer you anything like that…
—But Carlos, I told you, I don’t want anything…
—I know! I know. But I would like to! I just… The campaign is almost done and I would really like to keep in touch with you but how could I? I have literally nothing to offer!
—Don’t say that! You are more than enough and I am lucky that you want to be in my life!
By the time he had finished that sentence, he was holding Carlos’ face between his hands and they were looking at each other’s eyes. The situation was so intimate that Carlos couldn’t avoid looking at Jannik’s lips; when the Italian saw it, his heart skipped a beat and he couldn’t help repeating the action.
—Carlos — Jannik said, his voice barely above a whisper—, you don’t have to… because of…
—I want to… I’ve always wanted to… I just never thought you would…
Jannik didn’t let him finish, kissing him. God, the kiss was even better than all his fantasies. Carlos lips were so soft and plush and he kissed him with a tenderness and a devotion that he had never felt. When the kiss ended, Jannik couldn’t stop himself and gave Carlos a little peck; he felt an immense wave of fondness towards the Spaniard.
After the kiss, the dinner went by between smiles and soft touches of their hands above the table, shy at the beginning, but more and more confident with the passage of time. And they talked, a lot. Their conversations had always been easy, but now that they had finally had the courage to express their mutual attraction, they had become even better; they talked about their first impressions of each other, this time without any censorship and how their feelings for each other had grown from that moment on. Shyness only came back once they had finished eating and were outside the restaurant, both wanted to continue the night, but were afraid of being too forward.
—So, uhm, I really had a great time —said Jannik sheepishly. —Time really passed by very quickly…
—Yeah… It was wonderful, thank you for everything Jan.
—There’s nothing to thank me for, just promise me that you will think about the master. It would really please me to do this for you.
—Okay, yes, te lo prometo.
—Thanks. Uhm, I suppose I should let you go home… You must be tired and tomorrow you have work…
—No! —Carlos said, startling both of them.— I mean… I’m not tired! But maybe you are tired and you want to go home because it’s late…
Jannik felt again a wave of tenderness towards the Spaniard, who right now was getting redder and redder for his little outburst.
—I’m not tired either —the redhead said with a smile—. But it’s true that it’s a bit late and it’s just Monday so, uhm—now it was Jannik’s time to blush—, maybe you would like to come to my apartment for a bit and, uhm, maybe watch a movie or something?
—Yeah, I’d love that.
They decided to walk to Jannik’s apartment, not too far from there. Their hands brushed a couple of times, but Carlos was a bit afraid to be the one to take that first step, knowing that Jannik had never publicly been with a boy. However, the Italian was tired of being careful, of not being able to be fully himself, so, when their hands brushed again, he left the touch lingering, and finally intertwined their hands. He was nervous, he could not deny it, but when he saw the other boy blushing and his smile becoming even wider, he knew it was worth it. The walk to Jannik’s building soon finished, they entered and took the elevator. It was there, when they were alone again that they couldn’t help themselves and kissed again.
—I’ve been wanting to do that since the moment the last kiss finished —the youngest said.
—Me too.
When the elevator’s doors opened the Italian wasted no time and grabbed Carlos’ hand to take him to his apartment, not letting him go even to open the door. The Spaniard looked at the apartment and he couldn't avoid feeling a little bit impressed, the space was wide and modern, the floor to ceiling windows of the living room displaying a beautiful sight of the city.
—Do you like it? —Asked Jannik when he saw the boy looking.
—Yes, it is beautiful, especially if you compare it with my shared apartment —he said it with a laugh, but Jannik could hear the self-deprecating tone in it.
—Well, I think I would like any place that has you in it.
It was then when Carlos looked at Jannik again and found that the older one was already looking at him. He was about to laugh and tell him off but he was stopped by the expression on Jannik’s face, one of absolute honesty; he couldn’t do anything in that moment apart from kissing him, trying to pour into that kiss everything he was feeling. He put his hands in the Italian’s face, who, in exchange, grabbed him by the hips to draw him even closer. The kiss became more and more intense. The Italian walked back until he felt the couch touching the back of his legs, he sat down, with the Spaniard following close behind finding a seat on the lap of the other man, straddling him. Then he started to kiss Jannik’s neck, who, in response to that moved his hands lower, grabbing Carlos’ ass, which made them grind against each other and drew a moan out of them.
—Dio, sei bellissimo — Jannik said, stopping the kisses to grab Carlos’ face and kiss him again.
Carlos did not speak Italian but the translation to Spanish was not complicated. God, you’re beautiful. And he did feel beautiful in that moment, he’d never felt that way with someone before. Jannik’s eyes and hands on him. He felt cherished.
—Jannik, I need you —he said then, his voice practically a moan.
At that moment, Jannik knew that he would give Carlos whatever he needed, whenever he wanted. He had fallen for the Spanish boy, hard. And the best thing? He did not regret it at all.
Jannik woke up feeling warmer than he usually did. He couldn’t help the little smile that crept into his mouth. He could feel Carlos soft breathing in his chest, the soft brush of his hair on his chest and an arm and a leg across his body.
I could definitely get used to waking up like this.
He took one of his hands to the back of Carlos’s head, softly caressing it, which made the boy subtly sigh in his sleep. Hearing it, Jannik gave a little kiss to the Spaniard's forehead. This ended up waking him up.
—Good morning, baby —said the Italian, his voice barely above a whisper.
Carlos, who had been barely conscious until that moment, startled a little bit at that, hiding his face even more in the crook of Jannik’s neck, feeling at the same time a bit embarrassed for being all over the man, but also extremely comfortable and safe. Jannik laughed tenderly at that and hugged the boy even tighter.
—Buenos días —he finally said.
Jannik resumed the caresses, this time on the back of the boy. Carlos had felt a little bit nervous the moment he woke up, not knowing how to act or how would the other man deal with that situation, new for them; but in that moment, with the older one hugging and caressing him, he relaxed again and enjoyed the feeling of being hold, starting to caress the Italian back and giving him a little peck just above the collar bone where he had his head resting. They stayed like that for some minutes until Carlos’ phone rang.
—Oh, it’s my alarm. DIOS MÍO, MI ALARMA. I need to go home and change. Madre mía, voy a llegar tardísimo.
Carlos started to panic, Jannik didn’t want to laugh but he found the sudden change in the mood of the boy funny, cute. Still, barely managing to hide a smile, he grabbed the boy by the shoulders and made him stop.
—Hey, stop, I have many clothes, I am sure we will find something that works for you. You can take a shower while I prepare breakfast. Would you have time for breakfast?
—Yeah, yeah that would be amazing, you live closer to it than me, so I think so…
—Good, then go to the bathroom, I’ll bring you the clothes, use whatever you need.
—Thank you, Jannik. De verdad, gracias.
—Nothing to thank me for —he said, giving the boy a little peck.
The Spaniard went to the bathroom then. Jannik took Carlos’ clothes from the previous year and used them to find the most similar clothes in style and size which wasn’t very difficult, taking into consideration that their size was quite close and the vast share of clothes the ex-football player owned. When he was satisfied with his choice, he brought them to the bathroom that Carlos had left open. Then he went to the kitchen and started to prepare the breakfast. He had almost finished when Carlos appeared in the kitchen. They had breakfast there at a small table next to one of the walls chatting lightly and sharing smiles; after that, Jannik gave Carlos a spare toothbrush and told him to use whatever he needed to get ready. Before leaving, they both were slightly nervous, not knowing how to say goodbye. It was Carlos, that time, who took the initiative and kissed the Italian.
—I can’t believe that after last night we’re still so shy with each other —said Jannik laughing when they broke the kiss.
—Dios mío, yes. We are a bit ridiculous, no?
—Yeah. Well I think that the best thing to fix that is spend more time together, no? To get more used to everything…
—Yeah, I’d love that.
—Well, then, I'll let you go now, but we’ll speak later, okay?
—Yes! Text me later! —And with that (and one last kiss) they separated, but with big, matching smiles.
Days passed between texts, phone calls and trying to see the other as much as possible. Then weeks. Most days Carlos ended up at Jannik’s house after his shift, the Italian preparing both of them dishes he had learnt from his father, then, he would offer to watch a movie or a show together just to have the excuse of how late it was and it just made sense for the Spaniard to sleep there. It wasn’t like Carlos needed too much convincing, at first he was a bit shy, not wanting to invade, but soon he realised the not so subtle technique the oldest was playing in order to make him stay and just caved to his desires and he even ended up with a little space for his things in Jannik’s walk-in closet and a new set of skin-care essentials in the bathroom that the Italian had bought for him when one night, while preparing to go to bed together he had confessed that he didn’t put too much effort —nor money— on it.
Their routines started to converge, the other becoming, every day that passed, a bigger, more meaningful part of their daily life. When the campaign was finally done, they both laughed about how worried they had been about seeing the other again if they had not had the guts to confess their feelings. Carlos’ master started and he was extremely passionate about his classes. They started to go outside more, always trying to choose private places, but it was inevitable that sooner or later pictures of them both would come out, in fact, when it ended up happening, Jannik was surprised they had gotten away with it for so long. It wasn’t anything too compromising, the both of them walking out of a restaurant one night, Jannik’s arm around Carlos’ shoulders while they walked and laughed; it could even pass as a friendly picture if you didn’t pay too much attention. However when he saw it he couldn’t help the panic he felt.
—Hey, dude, didn’t know you got so friendly with Sinner. Bro, I wished I had been assigned his campaign, you don’t even like football!
—What do you mean?
Carlos had just arrived at the office, he froze when he heard what his colleague had said. The other boy, oblivious to the effect that his words had had on the Spanish boy showed him his phone. There, on the screen, he could see himself, the previous night after having dinner with Jannik. They had been more carefree than they usually were and now there were pictures of them on the Internet. Sure, nobody knew who he was, this wasn’t about him, what if Jannik decides that it was dangerous for him to be seen with Carlos again? What if he decided that it was not worth it to risk his peaceful life to keep seeing him?
—Dude, and my girlfriend has wanted to go to that restaurant forever but it’s way out of our budget. Man, if now you also go to a match I’m going to so fucking jealous! —He said with a laugh.— Well, good for you, bro, see you!
Carlos tried to laugh and waved to the boy while trying to conceal his panic. He had slept that night at Jannik’s (as he usually did lately) and he had left the man sleeping. He knew that the Italian wouldn’t wake up until later and that he didn't normally check social media, so he just hoped that he wouldn’t see it until Carlos went back home and could tell him himself, but, at the same time, he was terrified Jannik would ask him to leave, he didn’t know how he would react if that happened, he would be heartbroken. The hours passed too slowly that day, he found himself reading what people were saying on social media more than once. There were people who thought nothing about it, but there were others who did, who commented on the way they were looking at each other, about how Jannik they had been alone at a restaurant known for being a cute spot for couples to have a romantic date. After a long day, he finally saw himself at Jannik’s door. He opened the door and heard that Jannik was cooking lunch.
—Amore? Ciao!
Jannik found the lack of response strange, so he quickly turned to see what happened when he heard his steps approaching.
—Carlos? What happened, are you okay?
Jannik had never seen such an expression on the Spanish boy’s face, he looked scared and just about to start crying. Carlos tried to talk but as he was about to speak, only a sob came out. Jannik left what he was doing and went to hug the boy, who just grabbed him like a lifeline.
—Carlos, tesoro, you’re scaring me. Are you okay? Did something happen?
—Jannik, I… I’m really sorry… I…
—Carlos, please, breathe —the Italian said, more than a bit worried.
—I am really sorry, Jan, we’ve been photographed together and it’s on social media and I’ve read it and some people suspect we’re dating and I know you’re not out and…
Jannik stopped him at that moment. The oldest grabbed him by the shoulders, dragging Carlos towards his body so he could hug him properly. Puzzled, Carlos separated himself enough to look at the Italian man; in his face, the Spaniard could see relief? He didn’t understand.
—Oh God, Carlos. I know, it’s okay, do not worry about that.
—Wait, you know? And you don’t care?
—I mean, someone from the agency I work with you know for the publicity and that? They sent me an e-mail just to let me know, but it’s nothing too big.
—Yeah, it’s not too big but you’re still not out and if people saw us together again…
—I kind of knew it would happen, so yeah, it’s not really a big deal now that I’m not playing anymore.
—So, you’re okay with it? —Carlos said, still a bit shocked.
—I mean, I’m still not ready to maybe, I don’t know, post us kissing on Instagram? But being seen with you, yes.
—But some people will suspect there’s something between us.
—There is something between us —Jannik said—. Wait, does that worry you? Being seen with me? I thought you wouldn’t care, being out, but if you didn’t want this that would be understandable…
—No! —The Spaniard cut him—. It’s not about me, I’m okay with it but I thought you weren’t ready and that maybe you wouldn’t want to be seen with me again to avoid rumors…
—Oh, baby… —Jannik said, grabbing Carlos’ face. — Was that what you worried about?
—Yeah…
—Carlos, I really, really care about you, and I want to be with you; and it was also me who proposed to go to that restaurant. I knew that we could be seen together, and I still wanted to do it, and I want to keep doing it. My whole life I haven’t allowed myself to be fully me, without restrictions, without fear, because I knew it would have repercussions I didn’t want to face; but now I’m retired so those fears don’t seem that important anymore. What feels important it’s the way I feel about you, what we have. You make me so happy, Carlos, that you make everything else feel unimportant.
Carlos' eyes that had been watering during Jannik’s speech couldn’t contain it anymore and a couple of stray tears escaped each eye. Carlos didn’t bother trying to dry them, grabbing Jannik by the neck and kissing him, letting himself feel everything: the relief, the care, the love. The Italian’s hands travelled to Carlos' waist pulling him even closer against him.
—I love you, you know that, no? —Said the Spaniard.
—And I love you too, so much.
Weeks passed, and with them, more date nights, more lazy mornings, more homemade lunches waiting for Carlos after work, more evenings binge-watching shows together snuggled at the couch. But, also, an accidental first conversation with Jannik’s parents one day that he came earlier from work and the Italian had been face-timing them. A not-so-accidental meeting with Carlos’ younger brothers who actually happened to like football and were more than a bit starstruck when they visited him. Carlos finally leaving his shared apartment because he barely spent time there anymore. A face-time with Carlos’ parents arranging a meeting at their hometown. There were also more pictures of them; at first, nothing too different from that first time, just them strolling around, going in and out of restaurants. True to his word, Jannik did not care about it. In fact, he became more and more relaxed with time, and it showed.
Around two months after the first pictures of them were published, the first picture of them holding hands appeared; then, it was the photograph of them with Carlos’ family in Murcia that one of Carlos’ brothers posted; later came the videos of them at a concert, Jannik hugging Carlos by the waist, Carlos’ hands on top of his. And, after that, a cute picture of them, their faces close to each other, their smiles big, with a simple red heart that one day randomly appeared in Jannik’s Instagram story. There was a bit of commotion especially on social media, but it wasn’t like Jannik had ever paid too much attention to them anyways. The people he cared about were happy for him and that was all he cared about. That, and trying to make a certain Spanish boy as happy as he made him.