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A Choice
I stare at the amber liquid in my glass and swirl it gently, releasing its aroma. I prefer it straight, delighting in the way the burn attacks the back of my throat. Hovering on that fine line between pleasure and pain. It thrills me to balance there. Still, I know you’re meant to add the smallest droplet of water to open the depth of its flavour. To enjoy it the way you’re supposed to. That’s what the connoisseurs say.
So I do.
I want people to know that I know how it’s meant to be appreciated. I need people to understand, that I understand. What’s the point in sitting in this overpriced hotel bar, in my overpriced tailored suit, if not to be observed, to be seen.
Maybe even to be admired.
The chance of picking up some bird the night before my little brother’s wedding at this country hotel venue is slim. No doubt most of their shared friends will have long since been warned against me, and besides I don’t really think their friend group is ‘my sort of people’. Maybe one of Nick’s rugby mates' girlfriends could be prevailed upon, if I could get one alone. But that feels like a long shot, and a lot more trouble than it’s worth. I am also trying to be better these days and getting in the middle of a relationship on the eve of my brother’s impending nuptials probably doesn’t fit with that plan.
The barmaid is hot enough, but she hasn’t returned any of my glances, so I think I’m on a hiding to nothing.
Then I feel it. A presence slide in beside me, on the stool right next to mine. A subtle hint of aftershave fills my nostrils, and I breathe deeply and turn my head to find the source.
I’m caught off guard momentarily as a vision of Charlie circa 10 years ago sits beside me, but I come to my senses quickly and understand this must be the younger brother. It’s hard to tell since he’s sitting down but I think he’s a little taller than Charlie, and his curls are definitely longer. His eyes are just as striking, but are a rich chocolate brown instead of Charlie’s steely blues.
Look, I’m straight, I’m not blind. I know my soon to be brother in law is beautiful. I get what Nick sees, of course I do. And his little brother, well, he’s tilting his head at me and cocking an eyebrow and I’m feeling a little warm under his gaze. It’s a problem. Hot people, they do this to me.
But doesn’t that happen to everyone? It’s normal right? To find attractive people just a bit disconcerting, unnerving.
Pretty people are pretty to look at regardless of their gender, and I can’t help but feel off kilter in their presence. It doesn’t mean anything.
“You look weirdly familiar.”
I don’t think Nick and I are all that similar, not in the way the Spring siblings are so clearly related. But I guess there must be something of a family resemblance, and I suppose Charlie’s brother must know Nick pretty well.
“David, I’m Nick’s older brother. And you’re obviously the littlest Spring?”
One of his eyebrows raises, it’s thick and strong and he looks amused by me.
“Not so little but yeah, I’m the younger brother. So, you’re David. I wondered if you’d be here.”
There’s a slight hint of accusation in his tone and I feel taken aback by this. What does he know? How much of my less than favourable past with our loved-up siblings has been relayed to him. I knew of his existence before now, but that’s about all. I don’t even know his name, and he seems to have an insight into my entire backstory.
“What’s that supposed to mean? It’s my brother’s wedding of course I’m going to be here.”
“I just got the impression you weren’t that close. That maybe you weren’t too supportive.”
Shit, so he does know. Why I care what he thinks about me is neither here nor there, it’s uncomfortable being at this disadvantage.
“That was a while ago, I’ve grown up a lot since then.”
“Really?”
“It’s his life. I was never going to stop him, and I mean I’m not oblivious. He and Charlie they’re... well there’s no coming between them.”
He crosses his arms, and I’m aware of his slender wrists and trim waist, his black shirt is unbuttoned low, and I can see a hint of ink over one of his pecs. My eye shoots upward. I don’t want to be caught. To give the wrong impression. I just noticed. I can’t help but notice.
His brows are knitted now, like I’m some sort of puzzle.
“That’s not really the same thing, is it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, saying there’s no stopping it, that it’s his life. That’s not the same as saying you approve or you support them. That you’re in their corner.”
“That’s... that’s not what I meant. I just mean even if I didn’t approve it’s not my business to interfere. Nick doesn’t need my blessing. But I do... I mean, I’m fine with it.”
“How very big of you.”
“Look what do you want from me? I don’t even fucking know your name, and I feel like you’re taking me apart.”
He uncrosses his arms and offers me his hand. “Olly.”
I feel myself swallow thickly as I encase his slender, cool hand in mine.
“Well David, now you know my name, I can keep checking you’re not going to be a prick tomorrow, can’t I? Because I’m always going to be in Charlie’s corner, Nick’s too for that matter. And so, I want to know that you support them. Because from what I heard, you told Nick he should ‘pick a side’ on more than one occasion. And you once referred to my sweet and understated brother as a ‘drama queen’. Which let’s just be clear about this, was definitely some homophobic bullshit because, I am my own world of drama, but Charlie... especially Charlie at 15 he was the furthest thing from.”
“Look, Olly I know it sounds bad, but like have you never said anything you regret? I was fucking 20 years old, cut me some slack.”
“I’m only 22, David, and I don’t remember being a bigot 2 years ago so that’s not really going to fly as an excuse with me.”
22, fuck, that’s pretty young. I do the quick mental arithmetic. 14 years, that not an insubstantial age gap. Not that, I wasn’t, I was just working... Never mind.
“Well, good for you Olly. I’m glad you're such a paragon of virtue. But I promise, I’m not the same guy I was then.”
A smirk fleets across his face and he leans his left elbow on the bar, placing his chin on his hand. He reaches for my glass with his right and swipes a large sip uninvited.
“I said I wasn’t a bigot, not that I was virtuous, David.”
Fuck. Shit. My belly tightens and I feel an excitement swirl in my gut. A gentle throb in my boxers. Not today. Not here. I can’t be feeling like this here. I’ve put this to bed. I’ve made my choice.
“You’re kind of a dick, Olly. You know that malt is £18 a glass.”
“I think you’re good for it, David.”
His eyes rove down my suit, taking in my somewhat flashy watch and gold cuff links. I wish he’d stop using my name. Hearing him saying it on repeat is stirring things it really shouldn’t. Things I don’t examine. Things I never let myself consider.
“Whatever, Nick’s picked his side now, so I do, of course I support him. I’m not a complete twat.”
He catches the barmaid’s eye and orders another two Lagavulins.
“What’s your room number, David?”
Shit, is he...
“Huh?”
He raises his eyebrow again and pauses, as his lips curl into a closed mouthed grin. Then answers, his voice light and filled with faux innocence, “For the whiskey. I’ve only just graduated and if you think I’m paying nearly forty quid for two drinks you're dreaming.”
I roll my eyes but agree to putting the drinks on my room and finish off what is left of my first glass.
“David, what exactly did you mean by that?”
“By what?”
“That Nick, has picked a side?”
My brow furrows, I’m not sure I’d really thought too deeply about what I was saying, it just sort of came out.
“I... I don’t know, just that – he's obviously with Charlie. That his decision.”
“Right, but when you say a side I mean – are you saying he’s picked Charlie’s side – like they’re a team or are you meaning he’s gay, now that he’s going to marry a man.”
Oh God, here comes the sermon.
“Look, I don’t need a fucking Ted Talk Olly, I’m happy for them. I’m not going to be a prick – can't we leave it at that?”
“The thing is, I’m not sure we can.”
“Well, look, it is pretty gay right – for my brother to marry a man?”
“Charlie and Nick are in a same sex relationship, they get up to some pretty gay shit. Of that there is no doubt. But you know Nick still firmly identifies as bi, right? That doesn’t just go away because he’s with Charlie.”
I can’t help but scoff a bit at that and I shake my head.
“What? You don’t agree?”
I take a large swill of my drink, and delight in the burn, having not added the performative water this time.
“Just, I don’t know, it is kind of ridiculous.”
“What is?”
“Nick, constantly banging on, I’m bi, actually why does he even care? His little bi – flag on his profile pic, it’s pathetic. He’s never been with anyone but Charlie since he was what? Sixteen? I mean it’s all a bit theoretical, isn’t it? Fuck’s sake!”
“Jesus, David, you really don’t get it, do you?”
“I just think he’s made his choice, and he should own it. I mean Jesus, I’m more fucking bi than him, practically speaking, and you don’t hear me banging on about it!”
Shit. Fuck. Oh God. Only ever drink one whisky after dinner. Olly’s eyebrows shoot up, and he crosses his arms.
“I don’t even know what thread to pull at first.”
“Maybe don’t pull at anything, let’s just forget about it.”
“David, you know that’s not how any of this works. Nick is attracted to men and women and yes, he’s in a relationship with a man. Which we presume is monogamous, though, you never know.”
“Oh, I think that’s a fair assumption.”
“You’d be surprised but... yeah to be honest they do give very monogamous vibes. Anyway, the point is – that doesn’t change Nick’s sexuality. I can’t even really comprehend how you think it would. Like he’s made a decision to be with Charlie – but his sexuality – that's not a choice – that's just his identity.”
“Fuck, Olly, we all make choices. I mean Christ, I don’t fully get why you’d choose to be gay, because it all seems a lot more complicated but...”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! You did not just say, ‘choose to be gay’.”
“Well, you know what I mean. Obviously, I appreciate people have preferences but like for the most part, I mean, I just think you decide what you want form life.”
“But you don’t choose who you’re attracted to.”
“No but I mean, we could all go around shagging anyone we fancied all the time. I mean, sex feels good right? And you might like one thing more than another, but just because people are hot, sometimes you still need to decide. And I think it’s less stressful to do what is expected of you and...”
“Stop. Stop. What are you saying? What do you mean we could all just shag who ever we wanted.”
“No, like I just mean, God. You know what I mean.”
“I really am not sure I do.”
“Like I get that for some people, probably Charlie, he’s like definitely more attracted to guys. So, maybe that’s not a choice for him.”
“My brother is very gay, and I can assure you it’s not a choice.”
“Right but most people, I mean everyone’s a bit like... you know. I mean in the right circumstances. Like I’m straight but it’s not like I’ve never... I think it’s just something people don’t talk about. Fuck, I can’t believe I’m talking to you about it.”
“David, have you ever considered, that maybe you’re also, not straight?”
“Fuck off, yes I am!”
“OK, OK, sure. That's your identity I’m not here to tell you otherwise but... from what you're saying, I mean what it sounds like your saying, is you’ve been attracted to people who aren’t women? And that maybe you’ve acted on that?”
“Christ, Olly. Everyone experiments at uni, and like women can be so fucking frigid sometimes. So what?”
“Oh Jesus!”
“What, it’s true! You obviously don’t have to deal with convincing women into bed but...”
“I don’t have to convince anyone into bed, David. I just sleep with the people who want to sleep with me, man or woman.”
“Wait, you’re not...”
“What? You assumed I was gay too?”
“Well, I mean... yeah.”
“I’m pan, actually.”
I sigh deeply, I want out of this conversation so badly. I really have revealed way more than I meant to already and he just doesn’t get it. He wasn’t there. It wasn’t like Tom and I had a fucking relationship or anything. We didn’t kiss. I mean, not usually. Well, only a couple of times when we were drunk, but it was always in the middle of getting each other off.
Like, we were horny, and someone else’s hand, or mouth, for that matter feels better than another sad wank alone. And I’m big enough to admit that he was attractive. Like I said, I’m not blind and I just think any man who says they don’t notice when guys are hot, or who aren’t at least curious what it would feel like to... I mean they’re lying right? It’s all just one big fucking lie we tell each other to keep the status quo.
But anyway, like I said, I don’t do that, not anymore. Well, porn occasionally but usually, I keep to guys and girls. I mean best of both worlds, right? Fuck. That does sound.... But I made my choice, I’m straight.
“I just don’t think you can have it both ways.”
“Oh David, you really, really can.”
“Well, women aren’t turned on by guys who aren’t straight. That’s like a known thing.”
“I have a lot of experience of that not being the case, David.”
“And, I like women. I really think they’re hot. I like fucking women, so I’m straight.”
“Yeah, but you find guys attractive?”
“I mean... sometimes.”
“And you find me attractive?”
His directness takes my breath away and I can feel my cheeks burn under his scrutiny.
“You’re... I....” He’s staring at me and my whole body feels like it’s vibrating under his gaze. He’s almost unbearably hot, and is apparently very aware of it. I let myself meet his stare and a strangled, whispered “yes” escapes my trembling lips. He smiles at me, like it was never in any doubt.
Why aren’t I lying right now?
“And you’ve been with guys?”
I don’t know what witchcraft this is but, he’s completely misinterpreting what happened back then and I need to clarify it.
“A few shared hand jobs and a couple of drunken blowies with my uni flat mate doesn’t really count Olly.”
“I’m pretty fucking sure it counts David. Did you like it?”
“Jesus, what sort of question is that?”
I knock back the rest of my drink and consider just heading up to my room, but I can’t exactly get up right now without revealing just how much I’m enjoying the pleasurable pain of this conversation and all the memories it’s stirring.
“It’s just a normal question. Did you like it, when a guy sucked your dick?”
Fuck, OK, looks like I’m staying at this bar for the foreseeable, because he just locked eyes with me again while talking about sucking dick and my semi, is getting less and less semi by the second.
“I... fuck, blow jobs feel nice. What do you want from me Olly?”
“I don’t know, David, you intrigue me. I don’t really meet people like you. My friends are all kind of, secure in who they are. This is... new for me.”
“I’m secure.”
“Of course. You’re just a straight man, who finds other dudes hot, and likes getting his dick sucked by them.”
“Olly, that sounds... it wasn’t like that.”
“Wasn’t it? What was it like then, David?”
“I... it was just messing about. It’s not like... we weren’t in a relationship.”
“So, it’s straight if you’re not committed? Got it! Let me just quickly let all my Grindr hookups know that we were in fact participating in straight sex because we didn’t stay and cuddle.”
I blanch a little at this. The thought of Tom and I snuggled up against each other after we’d both made each other come so hard, neither had the energy to retreat to separate beds.
He smiles at me, “Oh my god!”
“What?”
“You’re a Nelson hugger, aren’t you?”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Look, I don’t talk to my brother about his sex life, but I know that Nick is a cuddler. He hugs his friends, he hugs his family, he hugs me and I’m willing to bet he cuddles my brother after sex like the simpy, little barnacle that he his.”
“Oi! We might not be close but that’s still my brother.”
“No, I think it’s cute. So, you’re the same right?”
“It’s just nice, to... I .... fuck Olly – this is getting weird now.”
“I think it’s been weird for a while, David. So, do you like giving head too?”
Do I? It’s been years but I still remember the taste, the feel, the sounds. I think people expect me to be selfish in bed, but I kind of like surprising them and when Tom slipped his cock in my mouth for the first time I suppose, I did get a little turned on. OK, a lot, a lot fucking turned on, but that doesn’t....
I shrug and try and drain more liquid from my already empty glass.
“So that’s a yes.”
“Olly, what’s all this leading to?”
He stares at me, smile on his face, his eyes trailing down to my crotch and back up, and for the first time I hope I know.
“I’m just trying to help you know yourself better David. Trying to open up your tiny little mind. Help you support your brother in his identity. Maybe help you with yours...”
I’ve kind of had enough of him being in charge now. Of having him lord it over me, with his superior, smug, self-satisfied assuredness that he’s right. That he knows everything about me. That if he just pushed the right buttons he could get anything he wanted from me. Only I think he probably could.
I briefly wonder if he’d let me fuck the smug right out of him. Shit.
There’s definitely something about the Springs siblings. I’ve come this far, confessed this much, I’ll admit that they have something almost uniquely appealing about them. Charlie was way too young for me when we first met, and I was way too angry that Nick was able to just say that he...while I...
But later, when Charlie used to come back from uni, and I was staying at mum’s place, till I got my flat sorted, and he would wander round the landing in a towel. I mean....
Not to mention the time Tori kicked my phone out of my hands down the stairwell. Jesus, there’s no two ways about it. That was hot as fuck.
But Olly, with his chocolate brown eyes, and his utter disdain for my bullshit. He might be the hottest of the lot. I can’t go there, can I? He’s pretty young and I mean obviously there’s the dick of it all, and I mean, will he technically be my brother in law tomorrow? I don’t think so? I don’t think that’s what it would mean but... None of this matters. I’ve decided who I am. I don’t get to change it now. I’m 36 years old for Chrit’s sake.
“Right, well, point made. I get it, I’m such a dick. I’m a homophobic prick, I’m unenlightened. But I just, I don’t think we get to have it all. Everyone makes choices. All I meant was that Nick has made a choice, and he should own it. I made a choice too. I chose to fit in. I chose not to fucking give in to my every whim, and little errant thought, and passing desire just because it feels good. I’m trying to do what’s right, what’s expected of me. Yet I’m still somehow the one who’s in the wrong. That’s not the son they wanted, that I’m not good enough.”
I’m practically panting. I’m suddenly so fucking angry. I can feel it, the force of my fury coursing through me. My whole life, I’ve played my part. Captain of the rowing team, graduating with 1st class honours. I’ve got the good job, I’ve invested in the right property, I’ve got the nice car, the expensive clothes. I’ve dated the beautiful girls. I’ve done everything I could think of, and I can still hear the words echoing through my empty chest. You have not grown up into the man I had hoped you would be, David.
As if I could have also come out after that. As if I could have been another son who wasn’t straight, wasn’t normal. Nick could do whatever he wanted, the baby, mum’s favourite. He could do no wrong, but that’s not my role.
I’m not allowed.
What am I even thinking? It’s nothing, it meant nothing, I like girls, women, whatever.
Olly turns on his bar stool, and his knee brushes mine and my traitorous dick pulses at the contact, as his eyes bore into mine for the hundredth time tonight.
“And what would you do, if nothing was expected of you David?”
I don’t make a conscious choice to look at his lips, or the triangle of exposed chest where his shirt is unbuttoned or where his knee is now pressing firmly against my inner thigh. None of it is thought through, or considered, or planned. I just lunge at him, and press my lips against his, and bury one hand in his perfect fucking curls, as the other scrunches at his collar. His hands reaches for my waist and he pulls me from sitting to standing between his now open legs as his tongue slips into my mouth.
He smells so fucking, good. He feels so fucking incredible. I want him. I just... I don’t... I’m so, so confused. The indecision and confliction rears, and I manage to pull back from his magnetism for a moment.
“But, I do, I do I like girls, I’m not gay, I do...”
“Jesus David. Pay attention! Why can’t you just like guys too? It really can be that simple.”
He swipes a hand up my pec and clasps at my shoulder for a moment, then leans forward and drags his nose along my jaw. I’m practically shaking at the contact as his lips reach my ear and his he purrs his next few sentences out.
“I wouldn’t normally push and I’m not saying there aren’t complications. That this shit doesn’t take time to work through and detangle and come to terms with, and that’s fair. But I also know that you’ve been fucking me with your eyes from the moment I sat down next to you. It doesn’t have to be either or. Why not both?”
As I slide my hand down the smooth column of his neck, to the warm olive skin at his collar bone, and my whole body alights with want, things seem a whole lot clearer. Why did I ever force myself to decide? What exactly, did I feel I needed to prove? And who was any of it for?
It doesn’t make any sense that he’s deconstructed my world view with just a few simple sentences and one searingly hot kiss. Yet somehow, he has.
Shit, so fuck it! Turns out maybe, I’m bi actually too.