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Sledgehammers and Dust

Summary:

This is what happens when Severus figures out he's free from his vows...

Notes:

I have no idea where this came from, but it’s about 6k words of, hopefully, humour.
Enjoy the read!
Also posted on my FFNet: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14516650/1/Sledgehammers-and-Dust

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:


o.O.o


Sledgehammers and Dust


o.O.o


 

Something had been missing for some time now.

He hadn’t noticed between grieving, feeling betrayed, and betraying his closest living friends. To be fair, the betraying and feeling betrayed went hand in hand. He’d seemingly betrayed his friends and they, in turn, betrayed him by turning against him.

If only they knew the truth.

But then he’d be dead, and Albus’s master plan would be in shambles.

It was what he wanted to do the most… to take a sledgehammer to the path laid before them… and smash it all into a fine dust.

There was that missing thing again…

He was slow in putting his finger on what it was, but he got to it eventually.

The tug of betrayal for the desire to dismantle one of his Master’s plans.

He regretted it had taken him so long to put his finger on what it was, but, thankfully, he did figure it out before the new term at Hogwarts started.

He was free from one set of strings, free to disobey his other Master however he saw fit.

The sledgehammer in his hands forced its way into the dismantling of his life as he laughed and swung away.


o.O.o


“Are you sure this will work?” His companion whispered as they snuck about the considerably sized estate. He grumbled when he was ignored and noted the family’s coming and goings.

Severus Snape always did hate to be asked anything twice.

The lights went out for the night.

Severus finally shifted as he prepared himself.

“Stick to the plan,” he said as he moved.

He went straight for the elder Grangers, already in bed, and spelled them into a deeper sleep just as Miss Granger’s scream disturbed the night’s silence.

Dolohov never could do anything without subtlety.

Severus grumbled as he finished his task and nearly exited the Granger’s bedroom before ducking behind the bedroom door to petrify his student from behind.

He was a Slytherin, sue him.

Miss Granger fell unceremoniously onto the carpeted floor, the expensively carpeted floor.

Her family must be old money… interesting.

“Your parents are safe, Miss Granger,” Severus said as she looked up at him, frightened. “Antonin and I are here to set you and Potter on a new path, one with hopefully less loss of life and destruction.”

“We’re still missing Potter,” Antonin pointed out.

Severus sighed as he held the bridge of his nose.

“Remind me not to work with that Ravenclaw again,” he said to Miss Granger as he levitated her onto her parents’ mussed bed, sans Granger parents. He could see the question in her eyes.

Where are my parents, traitor?’

“Get to work on the charm,” Severus growled, reminding Dolohov.

“This is the thanks I get for betraying the Dark Lord,” Dolohov grumbled as he set to work.

Severus could see Antonin’s statement caught Miss Granger’s interest, as did the golden threads leaving Dolohov’s wand sinking into the floors, walls and ceilings of the Granger home and being absorbed by the three of them. Antonin and Severus whispered for a few moments. Hermione felt the threads tighten and hum around her before becoming pleasantly warm and disappearing.

“The Fidelius was successful,” Antonin said, satisfied with his work, then began on other protective and defensive enchantments.

Miss Granger’s eyes were very expressive and interesting, Severus had never taken the time to notice this, she was both wary and curious about why they were hiding her home.

“There we are,” Antonin murmured as he finished up. “I would say this home is more protected than Hogwarts, at the moment.”

“You are safer now, Miss Granger,” Severus said. “If you wish, I will return your parents to their normal state, you may go on with whatever Albus planned before he made me vow to kill him,” he paused as he let that sink in. “I do know his end game will end with Potter’s death. It is my duty to see Potter through to dying at the Dark Lord’s hand.

“Is this what you wish, Miss Granger? To see your friend to his death?” He asked. “I, myself, do not wish to betray my childhood friend again.” He observed her. “Curious?” He asked. “Lily Potter, nee Evans, grew up with me in Cokeworth. We were confidantes before James Potter and his gang of mates became a wedge between us.

“She married Potter, after we came of age, had your friend Harry Potter, and then died.” He was quiet for a few moments. “Her death is on my head,” he said quietly. “I was the one who overheard a small portion of Trelawney’s prophecy and reported it to the Dark Lord. I painted Lily and her family with a target,” he hoarsely revealed.

Idiot,” Antonin muttered as he smacked the back of Severus’s head.

“More than,” Severus said quietly, “That leads us here, Miss Granger. The night I lost my best friend, I promised her I would see her son through this war. I mean to keep my promise to her one way or the other. I wish to destroy Albus’ predetermined path. This one will see students in danger, dying, losing their families. With your help, I will crush this path. I will see my friend’s son live. This is my solemn vow to you, Hermione Granger, every word I have spoken to you this evening is the truth as I know it.”

“What about Dolohov?” Hermione asked, then was surprised that she had been released from her petrification.

“I follow where my brother leads,” Antonin said determinedly, causing Severus to blush.

Hermione couldn’t help but be amused.

“I’m assuming you don’t know what Dumbledore tasked us to do then,” she said to the two men. “How strong is your Occlumency?” She asked them. “If No Name finds out what we know, it’s a checkmate that can’t be reversed,” she warned.

Severus frowned before looking to Antonin, who nodded.

“Tell us,” he said decidedly.

“Our task is to find the soul pieces he imbued into objects of value to himself,” Hermione said as Severus and Antonin whipped back.

“Bloody fuck,” Severus cursed.

“Language,” Hermione said automatically, and blushed at her own response. “Er, my job is to research what those objects are, Harry and Ron will destroy.”

“Fucking lazy arse,” Severus muttered to himself. “I’ll bet the bastard knew this since the basilisk.”

“I’ve been suspecting that as well,” Hermione admitted.

“We’ll need time to experiment the best way to destroy these things,” Antonin said thoughtfully. “If in doubt, use fiendfyre.” He nodded to himself while Severus sent him an amused glance.

Hermione thought it interesting that her most enigmatic Professor was allowing her to know more of him.

“What happens now?” Hermione asked them.

“Now, we need Potter,” Severus said.

Hermione flinched.

“I supposed this is why you came to me first,” she said.

It was, they couldn’t deny her comment.

“Now what did you do with my parents?” She looked at Severus and scowled.

“They are… in my pocket,” he said hesitantly.

“What?” Hermione asked.

“I’m sure Potter told you of Slughorn’s ability to transfigure himself into an armchair,” Severus said. “I… helped along your parents transfiguration.”

“You transfigured my parents!” Hermione shrieked.

“Bloody hell, Snape, that was brave,” Antonin commented with awe.

“That’s all you have to say?” Hermione asked Dolohov. “He transfigures my parents with the possibility of permanently disfiguring them, and you call that brave!”

Both men flinched at her screeches.

“They’ll be fine, Miss Granger,” Severus said a bit too dismissively for Hermione’s liking.

“They better be fine, Snape, or you’ll find something sensitive you really enjoy permanently disfigured,” she threatened.

He paled and noticed Antonin looked highly interested in her abilities.

“Now, fix my parents,” Hermione said quietly, threateningly.

Severus paled more.

Hermione actually seemed concerned he was losing blood before her concern for her parents became more prominent than worrying over her professor’s possible blood loss.

“That’s… you see…” Severus stuttered. “They’re safer as they are now.”

“They’re safer?” Hermione yelled, breaking the tense, brief silence after her quiet threat.

Antonin laughed at his knees.

“Thank you for sending me after the girl instead,” he laughed, to Severus’ dismay.

“Shut up, Dolohov!” Hermione and Severus hissed and turned to each other.

She glared.

He swallowed.

“We’ll just need to feed your parent dolls a few times a day. No one else will suspect, they’re safer this way,” he explained without explaining much.

Hermione shrieked as she reached for his neck and wrestled him to the floor while Dolohov barked with laughter above them.

“Turn. Them. Back!” She shrieked while Severus tried to push her off while her hands clung to his neck, choking him.

“They’re,” gasp, “safer,” Snape breathed with each push and shove.

“Now!” Hermione demanded.

“Dolohov!” Severus gasped for air.

Antonin continued laughing for the next five minutes until Severus finally had enough and sent Hermione sailing across the bed while taking in every bit of sweet oxygen into his deprived lungs.

Hermione squeaked as she landed on the other side, sprawled out on the floor.

“Fucking bastard,” she muttered as she stood up and glared.

Severus shivered at her demonic countenance while Antonin howled with more laughter.

“Give them to me,” Hermione ordered.

“I won’t let you attempt to turn them back, Granger,” Severus said.

“I won’t try, you imbecile!” Hermione yelled. “I know the extent of my abilities! But I would rather have them in my care than yours while they’re this way!”

Severus sighed, then opened his frock coat to hand over the Granger dolls.

“Fine,” he said. “Just remember to feed them.”

Hermione glared at him as she cradled her parents and looked at their frightened faces with sudden tears.

“If you die before changing them back, I’ll find some way to curse you, Snape,” she muttered.

He shivered.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied. “Now we need to collect Potter.”

Hermione smirked at him.


o.O.o


They waited nearly a week until it was Mundungus Fletcher’s turn to guard Harry.

The Order simply believed in too many second chances and continued to leave Mundungus to guard Harry alone.

Heaven help the poor bastard, Harry that is.

Antonin set about putting a flea in Mundungus’ ear about some valuable shipment of potions’ ingredients that would be easy to steal and unload on the unsuspecting populace of wizards and muggles alike. Mundungus was very interested in aforementioned value.

The thief merely checked in long enough to relieve Tonks from her guard duty before eyeing his surroundings and taking off to ‘collect’ his shipment.

Severus and Antonin raised hell with the muggles at Number 4 Privet Drive while Hermione coaxed Harry into packing his trunk and taking off before the Death Eaters discovered his home was unprotected. Harry didn’t need any more convincing and was out of there before anyone could call out for him to wait or change their mind about rescuing him.

It wasn’t until he was safely inside Hermione’s home, his wand safely stowed in his trunk, that he discovered who accompanied Hermione.

“What the hell, Hermione?” Harry roared.

“Well I didn’t have any other choice, Harry!” Hermione responded over his yells. “Snape there transfigured my parents into dolls! Dolls! The bloody bastard!” She glowered at Severus while Antonin barked with laughter again at her previous attack on Severus.

“They are safer this way!” Severus hissed.

They’re safer this way!” Hermione repeated mockingly. “As if that’s comforting. I’m killing you myself after we defeat your fucking Dark Lord, Snape.”

“Before or after I change your parents back,” Severus snarked.

Hermione shrieked as she reached for his neck again and tackled him to the floor while Antonin laughed and Harry gaped at the two of them.

He finally saw the dark humour in the situation about the fifth time Hermione’s shoves caused Snape’s head to bang into the carpeted floor and couldn’t help the snicker that escaped while Snape called for Dolohov’s help and was ignored.

Harry turned to see two painfully familiar dolls sitting on the mantle looking over the parlour room, both with amused, Bert Granger, and horrified, Charlotte Granger, faces.

“You know what would top this?” Harry asked Dolohov.

“Tell me,” Dolohov said between laughs.

“If Mister Granger could curse with Mione,” Harry replied.

Antonin sat as he wheezed.

“Enough!” Severus shouted as he sent Hermione sailing onto the nearest couch.

She growled and muttered as she dusted herself off before sniffing at him and turning to ignore his own grumblings.

“So, what’s going on?” Harry hesitantly asked.

“Let Snape tell you,” Hermione bit out. “I’m making myself tea, and Harry,” she added. “You two arses can go bite yourself.”

“Is that any way to treat your allies, Granger?” Antonin pouted.

“Bite me!” Hermione growled as she headed toward the entry hall.

“So, what’s going on?” Harry asked as Hermione disappeared somewhere into her home. He spied some dark bruising at Snape’s neck with others bruises already forming.

“Bloody chit,” Snape was muttering.

Antonin explained what was happening, what had happened, with humour that had Harry snickering and wondering how the hell the man was a Death Eater.

Asking was another long story that mentioned following Snape into the unknown for prestige and acceptance that turned into slavery and torture.

Harry could see the parallels between himself and Snape, and he didn’t want to see the parallels.

He still wanted Snape to be Dumbledore’s murder, for everything to be so easily labelled… but, he felt himself relax internally, because nothing was as easy as he wanted it to be… there was always going to be grey in a world that wanted everything to be black and white.

Hermione was waiting for the kettle to whistle when Harry found the kitchen.

“So, uh, you’re well off,” Harry commented.

“It’s inherited,” Hermione said shortly.

“So’s Malfoy Manor,” Harry responded.

“My parents inherited a home, Harry, not money,” Hermione said dryly.

Harry shrugged. “Could be exchanged for money.” He pointed out.

“The memories are more important than sand appointed with value,” Hermione responded.

Harry hummed.

“You’re bloody awesome and fucking scary,” Harry said.

Hermione smirked at him.

“Snape’s not going to know what hit him when I have my parents back to normal,” she darkly promised. “Until then, we get to benefit from the dust he’s making of Dumbledore’s plans.”

Harry lifted an eyebrow.

“You always know what’s best,” he said. “This time I’m following where you lead.”

Hermione’s face softened.

“Thank you, Harry,” she said quietly. “I have a feeling this will all be for the best.”

“Thank you for getting me away from the Dursley’s,” Harry responded. “Watching you choke Snape was the best thing ever.”


o.O.o


Harry woke to Hermione’s shrieks and Snape’s gasping the next morning and curiously wandered downstairs to find out what Snape did… again.

The man was a glutton for Hermione’s punishment.

“Fix. Them. Now!” Hermione shrieked as she choked Snape in his seat at the breakfast table.

“What’s going on?” Harry asked Antonin who actually looked concerned this time.

“Severus doesn’t know how to feed the Grangers,” Antonin said. “He just knows they need to eat.”

“Get. Off,” Snape gasped.

Harry eyed the Granger dolls sitting at the head of the table with steaming plates of a full English set in front of them with black tea for Mrs. Granger and coffee for Mister Granger. It was some dark mockery of playing dolls and tea. Both Granger dolls had a displeased expression.

Harry shivered.

If he didn’t know the dolls were actual people he would think they were possessed.

He shivered again and nearly turned away before Hermione was tossed across the table.

“Bastard!” Hermione shrieked as she started mopping up her spilled tea before stopping to see her doll parents soak it up. “Well that’s new,” she commented. She picked up her mother and found no stains in her miniature pyjamas.

Harry came back at lunch time to find the Granger parents soaking in a bowl of soup that gradually disappeared.

“That’s bloody creepy,” he commented to Dolohov and Snape who silently agreed while Hermione mothered her parents by switching them to tea baths. “I’m scarred for life.” He shivered.


o.O.o


Antonin was Hermione’s research partner, with Snape desperately helping as far away from her as he could… mostly to give himself time to run if he made Hermione upset.

Antonin eyed him when he was about to open his mouth to ask if Hermione thought her parents were doing well.

He promptly shut up.

He’d no doubt hear about it if they weren’t.

And feel it, courtesy of the Granger’s deranged daughter.

Antonin was enamoured with Hermione, Severus could see it every time Hermione verbally and physically sparred with Severus. Severus promised to hex the wanker after he showed Hermione how to hold on when Severus threw her off him.

“Hey, Snape,” Harry said when it was just them. Antonin was off somewhere falling harder for their resident demonic bookworm.

“What is it, Potter?” Severus responded.

“How come the Granger dolls don’t need to shit or piss?” He asked.

Snape paused.

“Magic,” he replied and shivered.

He had never meant for the dolls to show any sort of expression, and he was never going to admit that to anyone who would accidentally slip that to the Granger demon.

He should have gone straight for Potter and left the chit to her own devices.

“I’ve finally narrowed it, with Antonin’s help,” Hermione said with a smile for Antonin, then looked to Severus and scowled. “We need to find who RAB is to find Slytherin’s locket, the lost horcrux. Next is something from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. I highly doubt there’s anything related to Gryffindor, seeing as that was Dumbledore’s favoured house. The diary was another, something entrusted to those close to him, which means the Lestranges should have hidden something from him somewhere.”

“He was closest to the Malfoys and Lestranges back then,” Antonin mused, “and Regulus Black.”

Severus startled.

“Regulus Arcturus Black,” Severus said. “RAB.”

“The locket must be somewhere at Grimmauld Place then,” Hermione said.

“Potter and I will go,” Severus decided.

They returned two hours later with one locket and one bloodied fist.

Mundungus would think twice next time the attempted to steal from Grimmauld Place, especially since Snape seemed to be taking his anger out on him more than anything to do with stealing from Sirius Black’s estate.

There were a lot of things Severus was taking to his grave, especially taking his anger for Miss Granger out on ‘Dung. He never hit any woman, he never would, but he would a hit any man who deserved it… unless the man was as big as Hagrid.

Hermione and Antonin were found in the conservatory, among some hothouse flowers with tea set up and the Granger dolls soaking up soggy tea cakes.

Mrs. Granger looked pleased while Mister Granger was scowling.

“We got it,” Harry interrupted their oddly domestic tea time, except for the dolls.

He shivered and held up the locket.

The evil locket.

“Now the practical research begins,” Hermione said with a bit of dread and excitement.


o.O.o


The food pantry was low.

The food pantry was low and Granger wanted to go shopping.

The food pantry was low and Granger wanted to go shopping for necessaries with her parents.

“Mum and Dad are going stir crazy trapped as dolls in this place,” Hermione said determinedly.

How the bloody hell did she know that?

We are going to Waitrose,” she said as she dressed her parents in miniature clothing.

What the bloody fuck was this?

She was dressing her parent dolls now?

Like a fucking child playing with dolls?

“No,” Snape said.

Hermione paused and scowled.

“Watch me,” she said quietly.

He bloody hated that quiet voice.

“Fine,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’ll have to accompany you.” He divested himself of his frock coat but left his simple vest on. “It’s your damn fault if anyone figures out what your parents are,” he muttered.

“It’s your damn fault you’ve left them so vulnerable!” Hermione hissed.

Harry and Antonin rushed into the entrance hall, ready to go.

“No, Potter,” Snape said. “Stay.”

“He’s not a bloody dog, Snape!” Hermione snapped. “At least make him a boy instead of a teen before saying no!”

“I’ll make him a boy,” Snape retorted. “I’ll make you a little girl too!” He shouted as he flicked his wand at her while Hermione screeched.

“Stop transfiguring people!” Hermione shouted in a high voice.

Harry and Antonin stood back, surprised at the new miniature Hermione.

“Do you really want me to stop?” Snape smirked.

Hermione stomped her foot as she grabbed her parent dolls and made a very rude gesture.

Antonin and Harry flashed their membership to the laughter club as they followed after Hermione.

Snape drove them to the store in the Granger’s black Jaguar SUV. He ignored Hermione huffs as he sped through the narrow roads to some small town two hours away instead of the store she had anticipated fifteen minutes away from her home. The town was filled with pensioners and the very rare young ones.

They were the outliers in town, and notable.

Hermione smirked as she grabbed her parent dolls.

“Daddy?” Hermione stopped Severus cold as she grabbed his hand near the produce.

Harry and Antonin paused to watch.

“You didn’t remember to hold my hand so I don’t get lost,” Hermione said with wide, teary eyes. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

Severus felt a cold shiver down his spine as several grey-haired matrons paused to watch his interaction with his daughter.

“Of course not sweetie,” he said through gritted teeth and squeezed her hand.

“Owie, daddy!” Hermione wailed as she pulled her hand out of his grasp. “Stop hurting me!”

Whispers and glares broke out… Severus started sweating.

“Forgive my muscle spasm sweetie,” he said quickly. “You know that’s why you ride in the trolly instead,” he made up as he lifted her and set her inside.

Doll Mum fell from her grasp.

Hermione gasped, then wailed.

“You made me drop Mummy!” She cried at the top of her lungs. “Mummy’s hurt!”

“She’s fine, just fine!” Snape hurried to pick up the doll oh so carefully and dusted her off before handing her over to the girl. “See? No bumps or bruises, sweetie,”

Hermione grabbed her mum doll and harrumphed at him.

Severus’ eyes twitched as he hastily hurried on under the scrutiny of his new audience. He oh so patiently followed her directions when Mummy wanted this, or Daddy that, to a few snickers and indulging glances from the pensioners who he swore were doubling in number.

“Mya wants chocolate biscuits,” Hermione said suddenly. “Mummy says that’s fine.”

“Mummy doll can’t really approve, sweetie,” Snape said. “Mya already has butter biscuits.”

“But Mummy says it’s fine,” Hermione insisted.

Harry and Antonin paused from completing their split up list to watch.

“Your mummy does not approve so much sugar,” Snape said knowingly.

“Mummy wants chocolate biscuits!” Hermione said more insistently. “Daddy’s ignoring mummy! Daddy doesn’t care or love us!” She looked so close to tears and Severus started sweating again, but he already said no. What would the pensioners think if he went back on his word? That he spoiled his not daughter too much.

“Daddy has already said no, sweetie,” he repeated through gritted teeth.

“But daddy hasn’t said he does love us!” Hermione wailed. “Daddy hates Mya and Mummy!”

“No! No, I love you sweetie!” Severus insisted and he attempted to calm her.

“Then we can have chocolate biscuits?” Hermione stopped wailing to ask with wide, teary eyes.

Severus groaned as he looked up at the sky.

“Just because I said no doesn’t mean I don’t love you, girl,” he replied.

Hermione paused, than wailed.

“Shut up or I’m taking Mummy doll away!” He snapped.

Hermione stopped, then glared.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to stay.

Hermione was up in a flash and clinging to his neck, shaking him back and forth with her small hands.

“You. Will. Not. Touch. My. Mummy!” She screamed.

Harry and Antonin were laughing at their knees. Some of the pensioners were snickering or staring disapprovingly at the ‘father and daughter’ scene.

“Get off me demon child!” Severus yelled as he attempted to push Hermione off him.

“Is there a problem here?” A man in a suit asked as he looked between the two.

Hermione paused and sniffed.

“Daddy says I’m a… a… demon child!” She wailed.

Severus’s cheeks darkened as he took in their audience.

“I know a priest,” The suited man whispered to Severus who nodded with relief.

“Yeah, I’ll need him,” Severus replied as he hastily headed to check out.

He was done with this fucking chit and her antics.


o.O.o


Severus purposely left Hermione as a girl and made himself scarce for the next few days.

When he did return, it was with the priest and a wicked smile as he tied Hermione to her bed and let the priest have a go at exorcism.

Hermione screamed and cursed at him until she figured out that turning into a docile child would send the priest away.

Severus obliviated the man and returned to Hermione wielding a kitchen knife as she chased him about the house, threatening to kill him.

Harry and Antonin needed to dismantle their laughter society.

The two were absolutely no help for his calls to stop or catch her.

His only reprieve was the Dark Lord calling him to plan for another school year. He kissed the man with blessed relief, to the snake’s surprise and pleasure.

“This is devotion,” the Dark Lord said to the Malfoys.

Devotion his arse.

Devotion didn’t stop him from nearly being tortured to death.

Lucius and Narcissa had to return him to Hermione’s home… and stayed for the show.

Bastards.

Severus never knew true fear until he woke to a soft tug on his bed sheets. He mumbled as he groaned in pain and tried to shift.

Tug

Another groan.

Tug Tug

He opened his eyes…

He didn’t scream like a girl.

If anyone insisted otherwise, he’d gut them.

He shoved the male Granger doll off his bed and vanished the knife it dropped as it scowled at him.

He got the message.

He definitely got the message.

No dying until he fixed Granger’s parents.

“Daddy! There you are!” Hermione said with relief, then turned to scowl at Severus. “Why are you here with the sour puss?” She asked as she left him gasping with pain on the floor and slammed the bedroom door.

Lucius and Antonin appeared a second later, surprised to find him on the floor, Harry peeked around them and snickered.

“Fucking dolls.” Severus shivered. “Should have dropped them in the vault at Gringotts. When did they start moving on their own anyway?” He asked and shivered with Harry.

Lucius lifted an eyebrow.

“They’re living, Severus,” he said. “Even the permanently transfigured dolls at the Victoria and Albert move and eat.”

“I swear, Potter, you can’t win soon enough,” Severus muttered to Harry. “I’m done here. Granger’s worse than Albus.”

“If you transfigured her back to her age she wouldn’t be as bad,” Harry pointed out.

Antonin looked at him hopefully and he sighed, resigned to an older teen Granger.


o.O.o


Narcissa was obviously upset to have lost ‘baby girl’ Hermione.

Hermione allowed Narcissa to continue doting on her and her dolls. They still had tea time and Hermione insisted they play dress up with period clothing transfiguration.

Dad doll wasn’t pleased.

Antonin rescued Dad doll and set him to soak in a whiskey tumbler.

Dad doll was very pleased…

… and now drunk.

Severus avoided Dad doll like the plague when he found him near an old hunting rifle.

Apparently, Antonin cleaned and polished the weapon back to working order.

Severus was very tired of parent dolls.

They were so close to finding all the horcruxes before the year began at Hogwarts. He wanted it over now, thank you very much.

Everything was so close to being over, if only he could have some peace until then.


o.O.o


Severus made a Very. Big. Mistake.

He hid the Granger parent dolls downstairs in the cellar.

Hermione was frantic, looking for her parents, blaming Severus for them being so vulnerable, crying and sobbing about them missing lunch. Antonin was busy modifying summoning spells to help her find them while Severus relaxed in his bedroom and drank whiskey as he read various news journals and smoked a cigar.

His bedroom door banged open and he splattered whiskey on his best shirt.

You!” Hermione hissed.

Severus lifted an eyebrow.

His whiskey and cigar vanished and he swallowed as he stared at Hermione.

His arm burned.

“The Dark Lord calls,” he said and apparated away.

Lucius and Narcissa returned with him later.

Hermione was still frantic, Antonin was worried. Harry was double checking every nook and cranny for the Granger dolls.

“Perhaps they walked to the garden?” Narcissa asked. “The weather today was very agreeable.”

Hermione ran outside to look everywhere.

Lucius eyed Severus who gulped.

Lucius sighed.

“Where?” He asked.

Severus’ shoulders slumped.

“Cellar,” he said.

“She’s definitely going to murder you, Snape,” Harry said.

Fucking Granger dolls.


o.O.o


“What the hell are you thinking!” Severus hissed at Antonin and Hermione, mostly Antonin.

The idiot just kissed the Granger chit in front of her parent dolls.

Male Granger doll was obviously not pleased.

Antonin woke with a girlish scream in the early morning hours and Severus chuckled.

At least Dad doll wouldn’t be visiting him with a knife anymore.

Bang

That was an odd sound, somewhat familiar.

Antonion came barrelling into his room.

“Dad doll tried to kill me!” He exclaimed. “You have to turn them back Severus!” He pleaded.

“Daddy!” Hermione shrieked from Antonin’s bedroom. “That was too far! You know I love him!”

Bang

“Stop throwing a tantrum!” Hermione huffed as she left Antonin’s room with the rifle and Dad doll.

“It’s your fault, you know,” Severus said to Antonin. “You fixed it up to impress him, then you had to go and kiss the doll’s daughter in front of him.”

They both turned at Mum doll’s plop at Severus’ door.

I’m sorry for Bert,” was written in a perfect flowing cursive script.

Antonin picked her up and murmured to her as he reunited her with Hermione before warily eyeing Dad doll and heading to his room.

“I’ll cage you,” Hermione threatened dad doll.

Severus’ heart sped up as he dearly hoped she followed up on her threat…soon.

They woke up to Antonin’s girlish shrieks for the next few nights with Hermione rescuing him from Dad doll and the hunting rifle. The one time Harry tried to help first, Dad doll nearly murdered him. Harry had a healthy respect for avoiding Dad doll after that accident.

Lucius finally helped them by taking the hunting rifle to Malfoy Manor, along with the kitchen knives.

They could get by chopping and slicing in the kitchen with a modified cutting hex if it came to it.

Dad doll found rope, the threat was there, but not immediate death when he alternated between Severus and Antonin’s bedrooms.

Hermione was busy with research, the end was so close they could all feel it.

“Narcissa said we must get into the Lestrange vault at Gringotts,” Lucius said as he rushed into the garden. “Bellatrix was bragging about holding something else important there for the Dark Lord. Narcissa remembered she did the same a year before he nearly offed himself with Potter as a baby.”

“How are we getting into Gringotts?” Harry asked.

They all turned as the sound of a spoon knocking against porcelain.

“No,” Hermione said to her dad doll.

The teaspoon knocked against the tea saucer a few more times.

“No, Dad!” Hermione responded again.

The spoon was more insistent.

“I said no!” Hermione scowled at her scowling dad doll.

“Er, Mione,” Harry said what no one else wanted to say with Hermione’s temper when it came to her parent dolls. “We should at least know what his idea is… I’m sure he wants to be returned to normal as much as you want.”

Lucius was tasked with taking the male Granger doll into Gringotts with the threat of his family jewels vanishing if Hermione lost her daddy doll.

Lucius lifted an eyebrow as he released daddy doll near his vault and pointed out the Lestrange vault. His Goblin guide was blissfully unaware of what was going on under his nose while Lucius reorganised a corner of his vault and picked out a few interesting books from his library.

Daddy Granger scowled at him when he returned with a familiar gold cup.

“No,” Lucius said. “You got to have your part in this, I’m not doing the extra.”

Daddy doll kicked a few piles of gold coins, gaining unwanted Goblin attention.

Lucius hummed as he fixed his coins and eyed daddy doll’s attempts to be sneaky around the vault until he slipped into his cloak’s pocket with the cup.

“Damn spy music and daddy Granger,” Lucius muttered and yelped as the goblin eyed him. “I have what I need,” he said a bit shortly to the goblin.

He returned to the Granger estate with Hermione looking at him carefully and yelped again, then hummed the same spy song as daddy doll back flipped out of his cloak and ran across the entrance hall with the cup. Hermione caught her daddy doll by the back of his collar and snickered.

“We shouldn’t have tortured Lucius so much, daddy,” she said to him. “He’s more innocent in this than Snape.”

Daddy doll shrugged as he climbed onto Hermione’s shoulder, satisfied with himself.

“Tea service is in the garden,” Hermione said to Lucius. “Your favourites are all there for bringing my daddy back safe.”

Lucius gave a satisfied hum as he followed Hermione outside.

“We’ve been needing to kill that damn snake,” Severus said to Antonin while Mrs. Granger doll twirled in her tea bath and Hermione added some cake.

Mrs. Granger doll gave her daughter a highly disapproving glance before the cake ended up in Hermione’s face.

Harry snickered at his friend and received the same treatment.

The male Granger tossed a golden shell at Lucius with a smirk.

“Oh, good idea daddy,” Hermione commented as she wiped cake off her face with a floral cloth napkin. “He wants you to dip the bullet in poison and use his hunting rifle to kill Nagini.

Hours of rifle practise ensued for Narcissa when it turned out she was the better shot than her husband and his brothers. By the time should could hit her moving target dead on, they had collected the Ravenclaw diadem and figured out how to relieve Harry from the portion of Voldemort’s soul residing in his scar.


o.O.o


The evening before they set a trap the lure the Dark Lord to the Ministry to finish him off with an audience, Severus brought back several bottles of fire whiskey from his most recent meeting.

He woke to the male Granger doll wielding a kitchen knife and absolutely did not squeal like a damn girl.

“I get the fucking picture, you bloody doll!” He yelled. “Where did you get that knife anyway?” He asked.

The Granger doll scowled and sauntered out of his bedroom, twirling the knife with such accuracy.

Severus shivered.

They couldn’t defeat the Dark Lord soon enough.


o.O.o


The bloody Dark Lord couldn’t be defeated soon enough.

He was being tortured to death and the Potter brat was taking his sweet time, monologuing right back to the fucking snake face.

Severus Snape was Dumbledore’s man all along, blah blah blah… need I mention Antonin Dolohov and my best friend, the mudblood, are in love? Don’t look now Tom, there goes your snake curtesy of Narcissa Malfoy with a muggle rifle.”

He hoped Lucius beat the bloody brat for pointing out his wife.

Bellabitch was down and her boy toys were out from under her boot.

More allies was fucking brilliant, a big relief from the crucio.

Narcissa finally had enough of everyone running around, Potter’s monologuing right back, Granger’s… well Granger and Lucius were just about the only useful fighters of their mod podge group.

Voldemort ended up with a bullet between the eyes.

Potter finally shut up and looked up to wink at Narcissa.

They were all surprised when the former Dark Lord’s body suddenly poofed into a pile of dust.

The Daily Prophet snapped a picture and Scrimgeour dusted off his duelling robes as he tugged Snape onto his feet and struck a pose with the rest of their group.

“Thanks for the advance warning, Miss Granger,” Scrimgeour commented as he posed with the now former Death Eaters, Harry Potter, and Hermione Granger. The Minister of Magic pulled Narcissa into a twirl as she shouldered the Granger hunting rifle and laughed with his smile.

Lucius was not pleased… but was surprised when Scrimgeour turned to plant a kiss on his lips.

A picture of Lucius blushing was right next to the picture of the Minister twirling Mrs. Malfoy on the front page that evening, along with the headline of their pardon and rumours of an Order of Merlin in there somewhere.

Severus spelled the Granger dolls to sleep before Granger could ask him to turn them back, and got the hell out of their home before the male Granger non-doll could have a go at him.

Good Riddance to Riddles, Dumbledores, and Grangers.

Let Dolohov deal with the murderous Granger bastard.

He was going to enjoy his cut strings and find a nice beach somewhere in Australia.


o.O.o


...

Notes:

Poor Severus! Lol.
I’ve heard too many horror stories about possessed dolls in real life. Dolls really freak me out! I didn’t realise I wanted a humorous take on dolls until I finished writing this…
The Holidays are coming up… I just want to wish everyone happy greetings.